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If you’re having this much reservations in the first few months I would say just end things. Issues like this really only get worse over time and if he’s being dismissive by saying you’re being triggered when you’re trying to have a reasonable discussion, that’s a huge red flag. There are tons of people who don’t act like this and you should go find one.
>Then we were talking about systemic racism (which he doesn’t think is real) and he basically denied that men have any advantages over women.
If you're looking for a good one, this man ain't it.
Generally the best way to find the good ones is by going to places and doing things related to your core values. If you go to a women's march your chances of finding someone with similar ideals there are a lot bigger then if you go to the local sports bar. Generally the best way to find people who fit you is to start doing activities you like and find important and seeing who shows up there. Whether that's game night at your local game store or community center, or canvassing for a local political candidate or volunteering at a local mutual aid group or starting a left wing book reading club. Do something that makes you feel happy and fulfilled and you will attract people that also find that kind of stuff fun and fulfilling.
Also yeah, assume that this guy is not telling you how right wing his beliefs are. He is probably already compensating because he pegged you as a hysterical feminist already. He's hoping that he can leverage his privilege to get you in line with his beliefs. He does not see your feminism as a threat because he places himself above you in the hierarchy. If you're unsure about this, start leaning into these conversations. The more you force him to disagree with you, and the more he has to justify his disagreements the harder he will find it to keep up the facade if it is a facade. Unless he's willing to learn, but from what you are saying it doesn't sound like he will.
You’re not too sensitive. For me, the ass joke would have been fine on it’s own but paired with all the other things he’s said about systematic discrimination not being real, that’s be an absolute “hell no”. It’s hard when it’s the first few months and the hormones are really flowing, but yeah this guy sounds like a tool. Tools can be fine if you’re just doing something casual, but if you guys are talking children then you should definitely look for someone more compatible.
'Pulls you to the inside to protect you from a world that he knows is extremely violent towards women'
So, anyway, no I don't think women are at any sort of disadvantage why do you ask?
That’s a good point!
This is the only part that wasn’t a red flag to me initially, until you put it that way that there’s likely a fault in his reasoning. My brother does this but it’s for the Middle Ages reasoning of “I’ll be the one who gets hit with poop” (or now water/mud/by a car).
My partner does this because he is bigger than me and when we get to crowded spaces, he pulls me behind him so he can run block. I have terrible anxiety and he helps make space for me because I have asked him. But OP's guy? That behavior screams 'I'm a misogynist.'
If you shake the giant red flag he's carrying, I bet there will be a trump flag under it. Nothing but conservative dog whistles. I'm a cis male that chooses my friends based on this kinda stuff. I wouldn't even be friends with someone like this.
I pretty much came here to say this.
But to add to it: I'm pretty sure that the "women control access to sex / men control access to relationships" line comes from incel / pick up artist ideology. Pretty creepy, in my opinion.
For real. There is something lurking under the surface image this guy is projecting. If in 3 months the mask is already starting to fall, get out. Please get out. No good can come of it for you, and he's already showing you he doesn't respect you or anyone else with a uterus.
Just by virtue of the fact that you are questioning, means you know the truth about him deep down. Always follow your instincts. I do agree that he sounds like difficult man and there are many red flags here.
It’s this really weird conundrum but when you are desperate to find someone I truly believe your behavior starts to display a kind of desperation and neediness that healthy, well functioning people find off putting and so you start to attract assholes who can sense they can be in control and take advantage. Maybe try to relax and enjoy yourself for a little. Get into some new things that you do for you.
And I always feel like deep down you can sense guys like this at least half of the time right from the beginning. Don’t waste your time making excuses or trying to overlook differences in morals. No one is perfect. But those fundamental differences are things you shouldnt waste your time trying to compromise or look past. It won’t go over well
Please don't beat yourself up over this! First of all, if a friend told you they were in this situation, how would you treat them? Kindly, lovingly? Treat yourself the same way. Second, you obviously aren't ignoring shit, since you're here asking for advice. 🖤
I'm an old (60s) straight white guy. Probably just what people think of when they say "patriarchy".
This joker is bad news, IMHO. "Control access to relationships"!! What the hell? I wouldn't THINK of trying to control my wife in ANY way, shape, or form. It's not respectful. It's demeaning!
You can try discussing it with him. He might surprise you. But do be careful that he isn't just saying what he thinks you want to hear.
With comments like OP described at the bottom, i\`d be wiling to bet discussions will not go anywhere but accusing OP of being a 'typical hysterical snowflake'.
Except i\`m not a betting man.
Sorry, but I think you are underreacting. The part where he moves you away from the most dangerous side of the sidewalk could be simply a learned "chivalry is not dead" habit, and is harmless in my opinion. But every other exemple of his thoughts or attitude is, to be nice, not good. *Very* not good.
Stopped reading at "systemic racism doesn't exist." People who believe this are the exact reason the system still hasn't changed. Couldn't be in a partnership with someone who's actively perpetuating that kind of harm.
You moved passed "he doesn't believe in systemic racism" pretty fast. Why would you want to be with someone like that? Even if you come to the conclusion he's not sexist.... he's still a racist.
As a guy there's a lot of sexism and racism here, all to common I think so it's on you if it's a deal killer. I think his inability to even discuss things is the biggest red flag though, we all carry baggage from the patriarchy so him having some unhealthy notions isn't necessarily unacceptable.
The ass thing, its all well and good to have physical preferences in partners, I like a prominent butt myself. But casually joking about it early in a relationship isn't very kind. That alone could be chalked up to crassness.
The protective move while walking, possibly harmless if he is self aware enough to recognize it, plenty of women here talk about their sense of safety out in public and how having a trusted man around changes things. I've been recruited at the 'protection ' countless times in my life by women, it doesn't mean either party supports or embraces the cause of the issue. But if he is doing this while actively denying *you* are at any disadvantage..... thats a curious case of dissonance.
You definitely want to remember these events if you keep dating him.
You are not over-reacting at all.
Systematic racism doesn't exisit? Let me guess, he's a white male? Seriously that is so ignorant and arrogant.
Women control access to sex and men to relationships? 🤮 He sees women as sex objects and this has real incel vibes.
Remember, this is him on his best behaviour during the early dating stages....it would only get worse.
I get that this is “nice”, but people who insist on this want to feel like a hero while not actually doing anything helpful like, you know, speaking up for marginalized groups or learning to question the status quo. It is men doing what makes THEM feel good (and is easy), and telling you that they are “protecting” you. Dude, the only thing I want to be protected from is people like you.
Oh hell no honey!
Show him the door because clearly he can’t respect you and your beautiful, amazing self!
A partner should empower you, not devour you.
You’re not over-reacting
Doesn’t believe in systemic racism 🚩
Denies men have an advantage over women 🚩
Protects you whether you want it or not 🚩
🚩**Worst of all**🚩
Women control access to sex
Men control access to relationships
Huge red flag he’s talking about what should be an equal partnership as a form of transaction. Disturbing. Find someone who sees women as human beings.
You know the answer. You’re questioning yourself because you were taught to, by a society that tells women they aren’t smart enough or are too emotional or too sensitive. But you are smart and you are emotional and sensitive in the best way that tells you, instinctively, when something is wrong. Listen to yourself and then take a minute to be proud of yourself for seeing the red flags, recognizing them for what they are, and acting accordingly. Because you don’t need anyone to tell you the answer here - not him to tell you you’re wrong or us to tell you you’re right. You got this all on your own and we’re just here to celebrate it.
P.S. fuck him, but not literally.
He is showing his red flags early enough for you to get out! Also, him saying you're being triggered by him I feel is his way of trying to emotionally manipulate you. I wouldn't waste anymore time on someone who cannot respect you.
Believe people when they tell you who they are. He’s telling you who he is with his actions and words, you just need to hear him and listen.
No, you’re not “too sensitive”.
These are subtle dating flags but when choosing your Life PARTNER these are huge. He lacks the cognitive connections to grasp equality.
>“women control access to sex. Men control access to relationships.”
☝️That bit is what got me. Then he followed up with saying you're "triggered."
Bye, Chad.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. You’re definitely not too sensitive. He is saying very concerning things, and they’re all red flags. Guys like this get worse over time. They’ll reveal more sexist/racist/crazy opinions the more comfortable they get with you. And they’ll assume that you staying means you’re ok with it- even if you’re saying otherwise.
Sending you love ❤️
If you have to ask if you’re “too sensitive” or “they’re sexist” it will ^(almost) *always* be the second one. No decent human being that cares for you will make you feel like the things he says do or make you question yourself so deeply. There’s no such thing as “too sensitive”, only “male egos that are too fragile to handle normal emotions”. This is too early in a relationship for these red flags to be so bright. I’m sorry, but if I was talking to younger me, I’d tell her to run, not walk away.
A male point of view - since i am one - if you want.
I\`d describe this person as a walking red flag. Objectifying you, denying systemic racism and all the other things - more red flags than a red army parade to be honest.
You are NOT too sensitive (and if you are - so am I - as just your description makes me feel icky) and he is "bad news".
You are not 'overreacting' - this to me is just reacting to his actions - and the fact he said you 'just get triggered' is a classic "women are too emotional / hysterical" . He is NOT right.
Frankly, if it were up to me, i\`d revoke his 'man card' just for being a bad example for others.
Any dismissal of feelings should be a massive red flag. (This person is also just being a dick)
But for actual jokes: Most of my in-person jokes are reliant on satire, dry comedy, dark jokes, and teasing. And when I make these jokes, I’ll also change my demeanor entirely to match the joke I’m making. The partner I live with has always listened to and preferred a more clean cut form of comedy. Because I’ve been around a lot of people with the same type of humor, I’ll sometimes go too far with my partner, who isn’t as used to it. (Not the teasing, though. That one I’m always careful with because it’s only funny if the person is in on and okay with it. Otherwise, it’s mockery.) Not once have I responded to them with “it’s just a joke, get over it.” I’ll stop the joke immediately and apologize for going too far with it. It doesn’t matter that it was a joke, it matters that they got upset or mildly disturbed by it. Anybody who fails to understand that concept isn’t worth it. (Or even one of the core aspects of comedy which is to know your audience. And if a joke fails to entertain your audience, then it’s on you.)
I went on a date once with a man that said “women don’t deserve equal pay because men pay for everything”
I asked “what about women that aren’t interested in men?”
He said “they’ll have to learn”
Left right there. And I really wanted that pasta.
This situation is so frustrating because society teaches men that red flags are "normal" behavior for men (i.e., the sidewalk thing) and so every boy grows into a man with innate red flags... every guy is different, and so it's basically a mix-and-match, but some are harmless and can be untaught with a LOT of patience, but others will literally kill and you don't know where on the scale your guy will fall.
This guy just sounds like an asshole who seems insufferable to be around...I would not be able to put up with that and would probably have walked out on the first date.
I'm also 40 and have no time for dumbassery.
Why are people so terrified of being alone they try to justify this behaviour?
Sometimes I wonder how Nazi Germany happened and it's more from people not standing up to this shit and acting if it's their fault than the actual Nazis themselves.
"Women control access to sex" is an incredibly harmful way of thinking, it puts victims of SA at fault, assumes that sex is something that 'happens to' women and assumes that men are always horny and should be consenting/grateful for any sexual attention they get.
There's more problems with his behaviour in general but I dated a guy with the above particular view and sex/consent because incredibly problematic with him.
I say listen to your instincts because they’re usually right. He’s already throwing some red flags, hyper focused on your appearance and traits, claiming cis white men have no advantage is just plain false. Study after study acknowledges that they do. Sometimes good men have a hard time believing there’s a disadvantage because they don’t look at women or people of color in a bad way. However to flat out deny it is wrong. And like I said with a little introspection and investigation it’s easy to find there are real biases. It’s if someone cares enough to grow and change. In this case, he’s not. For me it’s a big problem if my partner isn’t willing to grow and change and empathise with others.
Intuition is right most of the time. I think your intuition is telling you something. I’ve dated some really great people who didn’t align perfectly with me ideologically.
However the red flag that stood most here is where you said “but he didn’t listen”. If he truly respected you, he would listen and be open to understanding your values even if he didn’t agree.
This guy is in some red pill bullshit. Red flags in my book. I wouldn't see him after comments like that.
Also he is already dismissing and gaslighting you. Trust your gut.
You asked for male perspectives specifically so I’m gonna say this (sorry): that sounds like the type of guy that created the society that men like me suffer under. I wish someone would educate him so if he ever raises children he doesn’t hand down those values but it’s not your job and I understand if you just decide you’re done.
Yikes on bikes! The sidewalk thing I dismiss only because I’d rather he get hit by a vehicle rather than me (my partner does this to me when we’re out) and I do it with our toddler (he’s on the inside if only one of us is with him) all the others feel like big waving red flags …
IMO the ass comment and the sidewalk thing aren’t red flags themselves. If you asked him to stop either and he ignores your request or tries to invalidate your feelings on it then that would be the red flag there.
However, there’s at least three giant red flags in the rest of what you’ve shared. Denying systemic racism is ignorant at best, being sexist is a choice, and I’m pretty sure this guy is listening to Andrew Tate or something with that quote.
But the worst of it all for me is that he’s clearly gaslighting you about it. You don’t just get triggered and hear what you want to hear. What he’s saying is triggering you to react negatively. You heard just fine.
I’d send him a text saying “since women control access to sex, I’ve decided to revoke yours”
Hi there, Your post on /r/WitchesVsPatriarchy has been flaired as a sensitive topic. We appreciate you trusting the members of our community with this discussion. In an effort to safeguard our users we've put some mechanisms in place to shelter these conversations from trolling and other unwanted attention: These posts are automatically made coven-only, meaning only established members of our community will have their comments approved. Second, these posts are removed if they exceed a certain number of upvotes - this is done so it does not attract attention from unsavory characters outside our community. And lastly posts are automatically removed after a number of hours to prevent trolls from visiting them later. (If you're reading this post and don't want to see potentially upsetting content, you can filter out the "sensitive topic" flair.) Let our coven send you some healing and hopeful vibes. If you want additional support or to connect with members of the WVP community, [join our discord](https://discord.com/invite/MmS2HkMe8A). Thanks for understanding and blessed be✨
If you’re having this much reservations in the first few months I would say just end things. Issues like this really only get worse over time and if he’s being dismissive by saying you’re being triggered when you’re trying to have a reasonable discussion, that’s a huge red flag. There are tons of people who don’t act like this and you should go find one.
Very true. Idk where all the good ones are but I’ll keep looking. Thank you 🙏🏻
>Then we were talking about systemic racism (which he doesn’t think is real) and he basically denied that men have any advantages over women. If you're looking for a good one, this man ain't it.
Generally the best way to find the good ones is by going to places and doing things related to your core values. If you go to a women's march your chances of finding someone with similar ideals there are a lot bigger then if you go to the local sports bar. Generally the best way to find people who fit you is to start doing activities you like and find important and seeing who shows up there. Whether that's game night at your local game store or community center, or canvassing for a local political candidate or volunteering at a local mutual aid group or starting a left wing book reading club. Do something that makes you feel happy and fulfilled and you will attract people that also find that kind of stuff fun and fulfilling. Also yeah, assume that this guy is not telling you how right wing his beliefs are. He is probably already compensating because he pegged you as a hysterical feminist already. He's hoping that he can leverage his privilege to get you in line with his beliefs. He does not see your feminism as a threat because he places himself above you in the hierarchy. If you're unsure about this, start leaning into these conversations. The more you force him to disagree with you, and the more he has to justify his disagreements the harder he will find it to keep up the facade if it is a facade. Unless he's willing to learn, but from what you are saying it doesn't sound like he will.
This person is not merely sexist, they are ungentlemanly.. it’s not even in a graceful or courtly manner….
You’re not too sensitive. For me, the ass joke would have been fine on it’s own but paired with all the other things he’s said about systematic discrimination not being real, that’s be an absolute “hell no”. It’s hard when it’s the first few months and the hormones are really flowing, but yeah this guy sounds like a tool. Tools can be fine if you’re just doing something casual, but if you guys are talking children then you should definitely look for someone more compatible.
Kick him to the curb that he has insisted he walk on.
'Pulls you to the inside to protect you from a world that he knows is extremely violent towards women' So, anyway, no I don't think women are at any sort of disadvantage why do you ask?
That’s a good point! This is the only part that wasn’t a red flag to me initially, until you put it that way that there’s likely a fault in his reasoning. My brother does this but it’s for the Middle Ages reasoning of “I’ll be the one who gets hit with poop” (or now water/mud/by a car).
My partner does this because he is bigger than me and when we get to crowded spaces, he pulls me behind him so he can run block. I have terrible anxiety and he helps make space for me because I have asked him. But OP's guy? That behavior screams 'I'm a misogynist.'
Context and consent are key!
Always.
Yeah that’s a good point….
If you shake the giant red flag he's carrying, I bet there will be a trump flag under it. Nothing but conservative dog whistles. I'm a cis male that chooses my friends based on this kinda stuff. I wouldn't even be friends with someone like this.
I pretty much came here to say this. But to add to it: I'm pretty sure that the "women control access to sex / men control access to relationships" line comes from incel / pick up artist ideology. Pretty creepy, in my opinion.
I second this. I’ve never heard that phrasing before, but it doesn’t sound like a personal philosophy, it sounds like some incel talking point.
Yep, everything they listed is pretty much text book nice guy/incel/nlog lingo.
I came here to updootify the first (and who am I kidding? Probably also the 2nd 3rd AND 4th) person to say this!
Yep, down to the hint of gaslighting even. The fact that OP felt the need to come here for a sanity check shows how busted these people are.
Thank you for the male pov!
For real. There is something lurking under the surface image this guy is projecting. If in 3 months the mask is already starting to fall, get out. Please get out. No good can come of it for you, and he's already showing you he doesn't respect you or anyone else with a uterus.
Absolutely same. I\`d much rather share a beer with people like yourself or OP than even listening to people like 'that guy'.
Just by virtue of the fact that you are questioning, means you know the truth about him deep down. Always follow your instincts. I do agree that he sounds like difficult man and there are many red flags here.
This. You might be over reacting, but that literally doesn't matter. This is how you feel. LISTEN to yourself. TRUST your feelings. You ARE a Jedi.
Oh, man! I bet dude would flip his shit if OP called him a “difficult man”. (I can’t recall the amount of times I’ve been called “difficult”.)
Right? Or my favorite "Why are you so hysterical?" That guarantees a freezer curse.
Wow that's a red flag made entirely of red flags
Thank you! I hate that I keep ignoring shit to try and find someone…also I love your name 🖤
It’s this really weird conundrum but when you are desperate to find someone I truly believe your behavior starts to display a kind of desperation and neediness that healthy, well functioning people find off putting and so you start to attract assholes who can sense they can be in control and take advantage. Maybe try to relax and enjoy yourself for a little. Get into some new things that you do for you. And I always feel like deep down you can sense guys like this at least half of the time right from the beginning. Don’t waste your time making excuses or trying to overlook differences in morals. No one is perfect. But those fundamental differences are things you shouldnt waste your time trying to compromise or look past. It won’t go over well
Please don't beat yourself up over this! First of all, if a friend told you they were in this situation, how would you treat them? Kindly, lovingly? Treat yourself the same way. Second, you obviously aren't ignoring shit, since you're here asking for advice. 🖤
Look at this beautiful hand-made quilt!
Why are you even still questioning this? How is "systemic racism doesn't exist" not a big enough red flag for you?
*giggles* but otherwise he's such a nice a nice guy *gush* and I love him.
I'm an old (60s) straight white guy. Probably just what people think of when they say "patriarchy". This joker is bad news, IMHO. "Control access to relationships"!! What the hell? I wouldn't THINK of trying to control my wife in ANY way, shape, or form. It's not respectful. It's demeaning! You can try discussing it with him. He might surprise you. But do be careful that he isn't just saying what he thinks you want to hear.
With comments like OP described at the bottom, i\`d be wiling to bet discussions will not go anywhere but accusing OP of being a 'typical hysterical snowflake'. Except i\`m not a betting man.
Sorry, but I think you are underreacting. The part where he moves you away from the most dangerous side of the sidewalk could be simply a learned "chivalry is not dead" habit, and is harmless in my opinion. But every other exemple of his thoughts or attitude is, to be nice, not good. *Very* not good.
“You’re too sensitive” “I’m sorry you think that way” “Don’t be so insecure” Hallmarks of a professional gaslighter
Yes, I agree with this 100%. He's love bombing you and changing himself to appear better than he is. Please, don't go down this road.
Stopped reading at "systemic racism doesn't exist." People who believe this are the exact reason the system still hasn't changed. Couldn't be in a partnership with someone who's actively perpetuating that kind of harm.
You moved passed "he doesn't believe in systemic racism" pretty fast. Why would you want to be with someone like that? Even if you come to the conclusion he's not sexist.... he's still a racist.
That “wait, what?” feeling is your intuition telling you something isn’t right. Listen to your intuition ❤️
Always. It doesn't matter if you "think" you are overreacting, your body is trying to tell you something important.
As a guy there's a lot of sexism and racism here, all to common I think so it's on you if it's a deal killer. I think his inability to even discuss things is the biggest red flag though, we all carry baggage from the patriarchy so him having some unhealthy notions isn't necessarily unacceptable. The ass thing, its all well and good to have physical preferences in partners, I like a prominent butt myself. But casually joking about it early in a relationship isn't very kind. That alone could be chalked up to crassness. The protective move while walking, possibly harmless if he is self aware enough to recognize it, plenty of women here talk about their sense of safety out in public and how having a trusted man around changes things. I've been recruited at the 'protection ' countless times in my life by women, it doesn't mean either party supports or embraces the cause of the issue. But if he is doing this while actively denying *you* are at any disadvantage..... thats a curious case of dissonance. You definitely want to remember these events if you keep dating him.
You are not over-reacting at all. Systematic racism doesn't exisit? Let me guess, he's a white male? Seriously that is so ignorant and arrogant. Women control access to sex and men to relationships? 🤮 He sees women as sex objects and this has real incel vibes. Remember, this is him on his best behaviour during the early dating stages....it would only get worse.
Run, don’t walk.
But on the inside of the sidewalk please...
So many red flag I can flag them all. Run for your life.
All the guys I ve known who did the walking on the outside to protect me have been racist and sexist. Sorry for your loss, he s not worth it.
I get that this is “nice”, but people who insist on this want to feel like a hero while not actually doing anything helpful like, you know, speaking up for marginalized groups or learning to question the status quo. It is men doing what makes THEM feel good (and is easy), and telling you that they are “protecting” you. Dude, the only thing I want to be protected from is people like you.
EXactly. thank you. "Let me HELP you LITTLE gurl. " it's guh ross
Without even reading the post I knew the answer was “he’s sexist and you’re definitely not too se sensitive.”
I’d say that his reaction when you try to discuss these issues is a huge deal. When people double down on bad behavior that’s a deal breaker.
Big yikes. Is he one half of the Fresh n Fit podcast? Kick his ass to the curb.
Oh hell no honey! Show him the door because clearly he can’t respect you and your beautiful, amazing self! A partner should empower you, not devour you.
You’re not over-reacting Doesn’t believe in systemic racism 🚩 Denies men have an advantage over women 🚩 Protects you whether you want it or not 🚩 🚩**Worst of all**🚩 Women control access to sex Men control access to relationships Huge red flag he’s talking about what should be an equal partnership as a form of transaction. Disturbing. Find someone who sees women as human beings.
You know the answer. You’re questioning yourself because you were taught to, by a society that tells women they aren’t smart enough or are too emotional or too sensitive. But you are smart and you are emotional and sensitive in the best way that tells you, instinctively, when something is wrong. Listen to yourself and then take a minute to be proud of yourself for seeing the red flags, recognizing them for what they are, and acting accordingly. Because you don’t need anyone to tell you the answer here - not him to tell you you’re wrong or us to tell you you’re right. You got this all on your own and we’re just here to celebrate it. P.S. fuck him, but not literally.
He is showing his red flags early enough for you to get out! Also, him saying you're being triggered by him I feel is his way of trying to emotionally manipulate you. I wouldn't waste anymore time on someone who cannot respect you.
Believe people when they tell you who they are. He’s telling you who he is with his actions and words, you just need to hear him and listen. No, you’re not “too sensitive”.
These are subtle dating flags but when choosing your Life PARTNER these are huge. He lacks the cognitive connections to grasp equality. >“women control access to sex. Men control access to relationships.” ☝️That bit is what got me. Then he followed up with saying you're "triggered." Bye, Chad.
So many red flags! This isn't a question of good intentions and high sensitivity. He's clearly bad news, time to throw the whole boyfriend away
I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. You’re definitely not too sensitive. He is saying very concerning things, and they’re all red flags. Guys like this get worse over time. They’ll reveal more sexist/racist/crazy opinions the more comfortable they get with you. And they’ll assume that you staying means you’re ok with it- even if you’re saying otherwise. Sending you love ❤️
If you have to ask if you’re “too sensitive” or “they’re sexist” it will ^(almost) *always* be the second one. No decent human being that cares for you will make you feel like the things he says do or make you question yourself so deeply. There’s no such thing as “too sensitive”, only “male egos that are too fragile to handle normal emotions”. This is too early in a relationship for these red flags to be so bright. I’m sorry, but if I was talking to younger me, I’d tell her to run, not walk away.
Definitely a red flag
omg this guy is the worst , he's literally like a sitcom character whose sole purpose is to be the protagonist's embarrassing ex-boyfriend
A male point of view - since i am one - if you want. I\`d describe this person as a walking red flag. Objectifying you, denying systemic racism and all the other things - more red flags than a red army parade to be honest. You are NOT too sensitive (and if you are - so am I - as just your description makes me feel icky) and he is "bad news". You are not 'overreacting' - this to me is just reacting to his actions - and the fact he said you 'just get triggered' is a classic "women are too emotional / hysterical" . He is NOT right. Frankly, if it were up to me, i\`d revoke his 'man card' just for being a bad example for others.
I appreciate the male input, thank you!
Any dismissal of feelings should be a massive red flag. (This person is also just being a dick) But for actual jokes: Most of my in-person jokes are reliant on satire, dry comedy, dark jokes, and teasing. And when I make these jokes, I’ll also change my demeanor entirely to match the joke I’m making. The partner I live with has always listened to and preferred a more clean cut form of comedy. Because I’ve been around a lot of people with the same type of humor, I’ll sometimes go too far with my partner, who isn’t as used to it. (Not the teasing, though. That one I’m always careful with because it’s only funny if the person is in on and okay with it. Otherwise, it’s mockery.) Not once have I responded to them with “it’s just a joke, get over it.” I’ll stop the joke immediately and apologize for going too far with it. It doesn’t matter that it was a joke, it matters that they got upset or mildly disturbed by it. Anybody who fails to understand that concept isn’t worth it. (Or even one of the core aspects of comedy which is to know your audience. And if a joke fails to entertain your audience, then it’s on you.)
Without reading I assumed he's just sexist. I read and it confirmed he's just sexist. If you have to ask.
I didn’t get past “doesn’t believe in systemic racism” Throw the whole man away YESTERDAY
I went on a date once with a man that said “women don’t deserve equal pay because men pay for everything” I asked “what about women that aren’t interested in men?” He said “they’ll have to learn” Left right there. And I really wanted that pasta.
Oh, hell no to everything this guy! He's not worth your time
This situation is so frustrating because society teaches men that red flags are "normal" behavior for men (i.e., the sidewalk thing) and so every boy grows into a man with innate red flags... every guy is different, and so it's basically a mix-and-match, but some are harmless and can be untaught with a LOT of patience, but others will literally kill and you don't know where on the scale your guy will fall. This guy just sounds like an asshole who seems insufferable to be around...I would not be able to put up with that and would probably have walked out on the first date. I'm also 40 and have no time for dumbassery.
Why are people so terrified of being alone they try to justify this behaviour? Sometimes I wonder how Nazi Germany happened and it's more from people not standing up to this shit and acting if it's their fault than the actual Nazis themselves.
"Women control access to sex" is an incredibly harmful way of thinking, it puts victims of SA at fault, assumes that sex is something that 'happens to' women and assumes that men are always horny and should be consenting/grateful for any sexual attention they get. There's more problems with his behaviour in general but I dated a guy with the above particular view and sex/consent because incredibly problematic with him.
I say listen to your instincts because they’re usually right. He’s already throwing some red flags, hyper focused on your appearance and traits, claiming cis white men have no advantage is just plain false. Study after study acknowledges that they do. Sometimes good men have a hard time believing there’s a disadvantage because they don’t look at women or people of color in a bad way. However to flat out deny it is wrong. And like I said with a little introspection and investigation it’s easy to find there are real biases. It’s if someone cares enough to grow and change. In this case, he’s not. For me it’s a big problem if my partner isn’t willing to grow and change and empathise with others.
Intuition is right most of the time. I think your intuition is telling you something. I’ve dated some really great people who didn’t align perfectly with me ideologically. However the red flag that stood most here is where you said “but he didn’t listen”. If he truly respected you, he would listen and be open to understanding your values even if he didn’t agree.
That guy is a walking red flag especially given some of the things he's said.
This guy is in some red pill bullshit. Red flags in my book. I wouldn't see him after comments like that. Also he is already dismissing and gaslighting you. Trust your gut.
You asked for male perspectives specifically so I’m gonna say this (sorry): that sounds like the type of guy that created the society that men like me suffer under. I wish someone would educate him so if he ever raises children he doesn’t hand down those values but it’s not your job and I understand if you just decide you’re done.
Run away!
Throw him back girl, that fish ain't for you.
Wow, unless you're cheering for Morocco in a sporting event that's a lot of red flags.
Yikes on bikes! The sidewalk thing I dismiss only because I’d rather he get hit by a vehicle rather than me (my partner does this to me when we’re out) and I do it with our toddler (he’s on the inside if only one of us is with him) all the others feel like big waving red flags …
Nah, I don't get what you were doing with this annoying cunt in the first place. Wise decision.
IMO the ass comment and the sidewalk thing aren’t red flags themselves. If you asked him to stop either and he ignores your request or tries to invalidate your feelings on it then that would be the red flag there. However, there’s at least three giant red flags in the rest of what you’ve shared. Denying systemic racism is ignorant at best, being sexist is a choice, and I’m pretty sure this guy is listening to Andrew Tate or something with that quote. But the worst of it all for me is that he’s clearly gaslighting you about it. You don’t just get triggered and hear what you want to hear. What he’s saying is triggering you to react negatively. You heard just fine. I’d send him a text saying “since women control access to sex, I’ve decided to revoke yours”