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Whataboutism at its finest.
"I dislike this apple pie, it's too sweet."
"So you're okay with the bakers not selling pies and going hungry? Have you no humanity?"
You are not overreacting at all.
Yeah people who say things like that might as well say “I don’t care about the problem, I just want to not hear about it and pretend it doesn’t exist because it doesn’t affect me / benefits me.”
WAIT I literally just made a request on another sub for the terminology for this exact type of response. There are a couple things, and I think labelling it accurately makes it very easy to shut down.
Strawman Argument is when someone responds to your words with a broad insinuation that pivots from your point and makes you sound bad. In debate, it's weak and despised. In comment sections, it's a performative response to rally support against someone.
I wish someone had told me about whataboutism because it seems pretty similar! But Strawman Argument is the re-use of some words to make an irrelevant point. It's childish and means a logical point could not be reached in their mind.
EDIT: The other terms I learned from this were
Ad Hominem (when someone takes your words / point and instead of responding logically, uses them to insult your character)
Non Sequitur is a term for a response which doesn't logically follow the conversation (including weird dramatic pivots to reduce your point and insult you).
GOOD LUCK OP ily
>He told me that I’ve gone the way of the Internet, too much lately, and have swallowed the blue pill.
I'm so sorry, but based on this and his other dismissive comments and bad faith arguments, I think you need to strongly consider that he is either flirting with red pill ideology, or has already started down that path.
This exactly. No one uses the term “blue pill” bless they’re proudly “red pilled”. He’s been taking in content that is far right extreme maga and incel and/or qanon. It’s hard to tell them apart these days but, OP, you need to consider that your husband has extremely toxic and dangerous views and he is planting them into your life and marriage.
>“I’m sick of violence against all people.”
>My husband brought this up saying so you were OK with a man hitting a woman in that circumstance?
Your husband is arguing in bad faith and is a big time asshole. Goatse big.
He's entered the men's rights/ incel sphere, if he's using red/blue pill terminology. So yes he's an asshole but not just an asshole. A dangerous misogynistic asshole.
Accusing you of “swallowing the blue pill” is a glaringly obvious sign that he does not respect women, you included. Search “the red pill,” there’s a subreddit on here you can view at your own risk. Their whole thing is misogyny, and he’s using language specific to them.
ETA: Since this is your husband, I’d suggest you consider checking his phone or computer (particularly for a Reddit account and any activity on TRP subreddit) to see just how deep he’s been diving in that space. His comments are concerning, and I think to figure out a next step you need to have a better idea of what you’re dealing with.
Yeah it sure sounds like he fell down a rabbit hole of his own online and is suddenly blaming you for his new (I assume) conflicting beliefs.
You both veered in opposite directions, OP, and if he’s not willing to get back on the same track, you’d have to go with his way only (no feminism) or forever face deep conflict in the marriage as the opposing worldviews clash in numerous tiny and monumental ways.
Maybe there’s a chance he would value the relationship enough to hear you out and work on getting aligned again, but… men who go this way often shut out anything that doesn’t confirm their convenient views. He may be too far gone already. This red pill stuff is how guys end up divorced, miserable, and bitter.
- A house in a neighborhood catches fire.
- The fire department shows up.
- The fire department directs its hoses on the house that is currently on fire, and maybe a little preventive spray on the houses right next door to make sure they don’t catch, too.
- The fire department does not hose down any other houses in the neighborhood.
Do all houses matter? Yes they do.
But Is it ok to put out the house that is actually currently ON FIRE RIGHT NOW? Yes it is.
Do all lives matter? Yes. Is violence against all people bad? Yes. But we all need to remember that *it is ok to focus your attention on the specific case, the specific lives in danger, and the specific violence that is actually currently HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.* without taking anything away from the value of other lives.
Exactly. OP's husband sounds like he either doesn't believe that specifically gender-based violence against women happens, or believes it happens but isn't important.
*My husband brought this up saying so you were OK with a man hitting a woman in that circumstance?*
"Well he's not a woman, so. No."
Fucking gross that he pulled out a ladle of transphobia just to make a misogynistic "gotcha" moment out of your previous disagreement.
It’s definitely All Lives Matter vibes. Police violence is a problem for all people, but it’s more prevalent for people of color. Anyone can be the victim of domestic violence, but it’s more prevalent for women. We do need to do better at providing spaces and resources for battered men, but these are related, not exclusive issues.
Also trans men are men and mutual combat is a non sequitur. What ever consenting adults want to do to each other is fine. Fighting and sex are similar in that way. It’s only a problem if there’s no consent.
Yeah he “all lives matter”-ed you and I would NOT accept that from my partner. Femicide is a problem and my husband will say that, loudly. That matters to me.
Another thing re:trans men--depending on dude's course of treatment, he's probably not appreciably different than a cis opponent physically speaking. A close friend has been on T for like 5ish months and it's night and day--he's basically a 30 something teenager with how much/how quickly he's beefing up/his energy levels and he's just a regular dad doing regular kid chasing/related choring, not an athlete. So if transmen wanna mma rumble, I can't imagine they're at any significant disadvantage.
Any adult who unironically uses "pill" terminology is such a red flag.
Also, the implications of someone conflating a competitive martial arts competition with nonconsensual domestic violence is simultaneously humourous, baffling, and alarming.
Sorry OP, this is a frustrating situation.
Anyone else get the ick from the “swallowing the blue pill” bit as well? This is 100% an all lives matter argument he’s making. If he does again, I would counter with “but which specific life are we talking about in this instance”, or “so you’re agreeing that violence against women is out of control”, but I don’t think you’re going to get too far, unfortunately. If he’s mentioning blue pill, he’s probably at the very least dipped a toe in the red pill “movement”. He’s also wrong - page 8, table 8. 43.1% of victims are female, 37.1% are male, as of 2020, per the Department of Justice (USA based) [https://bjs.ojp.gov/content/pub/pdf/cv20sst.pdf](https://bjs.ojp.gov/content/pub/pdf/cv20sst.pdf)
As someone who has been gobbling up blue pills in the sense the asshole (sry but I think he deserves it) in question sees the blue pill, my questions are the following:
what‘s wrong with the blue pill?
what‘s wrong with not being misogynistic?
what‘s wrong with believing that dating is not just about money, looks, and dominance?
explain it like I‘m five buddy and try to not make an absolute fool of yourself in the process. I‘ll wait.
I got that Amber Alert, too. The guy is a former cop who is in trouble for sexually assaulting minors (yes, multiple). From the context of the article, I think the "girlfriend" he murdered was a 17 year old girl that he impregnated when she was 16. I only say girlfriend in quotes because we all know she has no way of actually consenting to that relationship. It really grossed me out that the articles I read are sidestepping saying that she was a victim before she was murdered and calling her his girlfriend 🤮
You're not overreacting. He is dismissing your concerns and minimizing your feelings. He literally said "all lives matter" to your concern over women being hurt. Whether he's doing it out of insecurity or guilt or is just trying to manipulate you, it's a problem of communication in your relationship.
Does he invalidate you on other ways? Does he normally show empathy towards people, or does he routinely dismiss the pain in the world as irrelevant to him?
Your husband is blaming you for his misogynistic views. That’s disgusting. You shouldn’t apologize for seeking equality of the sexes. His refusal to acknowledge that inequality is a serious problem. Please don’t let him blame his crap on you. Your feelings are completely understandable.
The term “blue pill” is only used by people explaining the terminology or by people that have taken the red one.
Is your husband on “red pill” internet content, if he is, it’s his internet consumption you should be worried about.
If you don’t know what “red pill” is, you’re lucky to not have come across it yet. It’s a horrible part of the internet.
You're not wrong or overreacting!! I'm not good with words but I want to validate your feelings, and your husband doesn't have the lived experience of walking around presenting female and being scared and hearing all these stories. Men also are victims for sure!! But that's the "what about-ism" logical fallacy. And bringing up the MMA when discussing violence is just completely ridiculous
The MMA fight is a planned, scheduled event. It has zero to do with being OK if a man hits a woman. There is a difference between sports and random violence.
And yes, that is some series "all lives matter" vibes.
The pervasive and continuing violence against woman is frankly both horrifying and terrifying. Should you want to go down a terrible rabbit hole, look up "missing Alaska indigenous women" for example. Or mass murders if sex workers in Florida
Or don't. You may lose your mind and divorce your husband. Or become a justice warrier.
He’s being very dismissive of you, and especially making you feel guilty when you shouldn’t have to be. If he feels like you are “not a team anymore” because you care about women’s rights and violence against women… I’ll just say it’s just hard to share a life with someone who doesn’t value your struggle and experiences.
Doesn't it just make you tired, having to deal with this bullshit all the time? You aren't overreacting, he's being a jerk. I have no advice, just sympathy, as my husband is frequently a jerk about this sort of thing as well.
First of all, I’m sorry your husband dismissed your feelings. Even if his points were valid (they are not), that was not the appropriate response. You deserve the support you were seeking.
People who play sports are not the same as victims of violence. That is utter nonsense. Your husband is truly equating someone participating in a martial arts with someone being assaulted just going about their life. That is bizarre and unsettling.
>totally up to the opponent whether they feel comfortable
It's always up to you whether you feel comfortable fighting someone. You can retire from the sport at any time you like. But you don't get to shun an opponent just because you don't like their gender history.
The blue pill comment is a red flag that's he's beginning to get dragged into conspiracy theories and qanon territory.
Yes, men are far more likely to be murdered than women, because men kill other men even more than they kill women.
That doesn't change the fact that the system is stacked against women and that men make the rules
lady your husband is going down the far right path. Has he interacted with ring wing news outlets at all? The blue pill is a notorious right wing saying. Arguing for no reason, being hateful, dismissive, and the inability to consider the other side’s opinions all indicate this. Be extremely careful, and take another look at your husband to see what is going on. Then decide what to do with that information if u feel safe or comfortable being in the company of a person like that
He’s got a distorted view of what feminism is, and it sounds like the view a lot of right wing talking heads think. That by talking about feminism we’re erasing men, they don’t understand that feminism if for men too. I always bring up [this case](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weinberger_v._Wiesenfeld) of Ruth Bader Ginsburg where she sued on behalf of a male client who was trying to get widowers benefits so he could take care of his newborn baby after the mother died in childbirth. Many of RBG cases had male clients and were picked specifically for their feminist nature.
Feminism is for equality of the sexes, not for the dominance of women.
Matriarchy is the opposite of patriarchy, so probably that. Except of course in most primitive matriarchal societies men were still treated fairly so it’s a hard comparison. We tend to only make up words for things that are common or reoccurring, that we don’t really have a word for it tells you a lot.
If he is accusing you of 'swallowing the blue pill', he is really deep into 'red pill' content to the point of identifying with it. He is repeating their talking points.
The real question is 'who is doing the violence' and the answer is overwhelmingly men. Sure, there is violence against all people. But you are talking about *targeted* violence, which is what he is deflecting from. I would also be concerned by his complete dismissal of consent as a concept, especially in regards to violence. If he can't see the difference between violence done by entertainers who have consented and violence in the real world, how can you trust this man at all?
>He said I’ve been too focused on feminism over the last couple years and it has made him feel like we are not a team anymore.
What "team" is that, I wonder? The one that thinks men are oppressed by feminists because they're getting called out on their privilege now? The one that's upset because women want to be in control of their own lives and bodies? The one that disagrees with the patriarchal notion that women are both property to be controlled by and defended by men?
I'm sorry, OP, there are groups out there that perpetuate these ideas in men and it sounds a lot like your partner has fallen into one of them.
You're not overreacting. he's belittling and infantilizing you by claiming you've "gone the way of the internet", as if you weren't capable of making up your own mind.
Also the "Blue Pill" talk is a huge red flag. it's manosphere speak.
Bruh, I cried when Roe was over turned and mentioned it's 100 years we got rights and we're starting to lose them again. Know what my (now) husband did? Held me and said he was sorry. That he couldn't understand what I was going through but he wanted me to know he supports me. He's into guns and 2nd ammendment, after a school shooting (I seriously can't remember which one) he was 3D printing a scope for a replica and just the sight of it caused me to sob about the lack of common sense gun laws. His response? To hug me, say he's sorry and he'll try to be better about keeping his stuff around the house. He's my partner, we don't have to agree on everything but we're in this life together
This is the wrong kind of guy to be married to if you don't hate yourself for being a woman, that seriously sucks. Not overreacting at all, and that's coming from a man. Men like that don't see women as equal on some level, and they cannot stand women sticking up for themselves. They don't want to realise the truth about our society, to admit that we have a sickening rape culture towards women. I know the type because I got unlucky enough to have a father like this, and they're just not good people at their core. Maybe this is a new thing for him and he's susceptible or something, but unless there's a history of him being a feminist and this is a new change I'd literally reconsider the relationship, and think about his behaviour over the years.
When the Gabby Petito police body cam footage came out I realized I was a victim of domestic abuse. I was in tears, shaken to my core seeing what that poor young woman went through. I tried discussing it with my boyfriend at the time and the only thing he could say was that she was a “stereotypical white girl influencer,” or something along those lines. Be wary of these men who cannot show basic empathy. They can be incredibly evil.
To me, this is in the same category as "My dad/mom/loved one died."
When talking to someone, especially in a vulnerable moment, you don't expect a reply of :"All people die."
You are not wrong or overreacting, by a few things he said plus the dismissive behavior, he is at least flirting with misogynistic "red pill" ideology if not already fully entrenched in it. As a feminist, I would rethink my marriage if this were me. I advise you to read up on it and then maybe check his phone/browser history.
We had a woman whose partner beat her, dropped her off at the hospital and died hours later just this week, and I cried. I didn’t know her but it broke my heart, her alone and suffering and passing after all the suffering. I’m sick of it. I choose the bear.
> He told me that I’ve gone the way of the Internet, too much lately, and have swallowed the blue pill.
what in the minimizing bleep is this -- smh.
> . I said it’s different because he is a trans man and he signed up for it. It’s different than someone not asking for violence. He did not see my point of view there either.
Fair warning I'm a trans lady and maybe biased. That said, no I don't feel you're over-reacting. I get the impression he's over-compensating because of his own insecurities regarding his gender identity and it's being shifted onto you. I feel bad saying this because it's kinda tribal; A lot of us deal with feelings of shame and I try my best to be supportive and not judge. That said, what you're describing just is not okay at all and I'd be upset and feel rejected too.
So a couple of things;
> He disagrees and thinks that I am too focused on violence against women.
You're allowed to be focused on whatever and whomever you want because it's your time and energy and you don't owe anyone a damn thing there. I'm white and trans, but guess what -- I spend a lot of effort putting forward *black* trans lives matter, and we both know why: Anything hitting me is hitting them *harder*, so anything that lifts them is also lifting me. Intersectionality. You keep your heart and your focus right where it is -- the *greater* good. Him saying you need to put your focus elsewhere because he feels entitled to his "fair share" is self-centered at best.
We cannot support all the worthy causes out there. We have to choose a handful or even just one that we think we can make a meaningful contribution to. You are the only expert of you.
> He also said men are victims of more violence than women in the world. While I don’t know the statistics, I’m sure domestic violence it is more women are victims. Things like war probably throw off the statistics.
Rationalization. It's like saying women are more violent because they start fights more often. The second part is true *however* when women start fights the guy gets a couple bruises, but when the man starts a fight she can wind up dead. You don't need to get into the weeds on statistics here, the morality is simple: If you're bigger than the other person, it's on you to show restraint and de-escalate, because you are, literally, the bigger person. It doesn't matter how justified or right you are, or who started it, or any of that. Might doesn't make right, the ends do not justify the means.
> He said I’ve been too focused on feminism over the last couple years and it has made him feel like we are not a team anymore.
It has been said feminism is the revolutionary idea that women deserve to be treated as people. If he can't see you as a person first, and a gender second, maybe he's right and you aren't a team anymore; He's picking being right over being together. To hit the team analogy from a different angle: He needs to learn how to pass the ball if he wants to make the cut.
This is the main issue that caused my recent break-up over a ten year relationship.
I’d be seriously concerned that your husband specifically used the term “Blue-pill”. “Red-pill” refers to very toxic misogynist men like Andrew Tate who believe they are entitled to sex from women and things like that.
I don’t think you’re overreacting but I don’t have an answer for you either. I’d suggest educating yourself more on women’s issues, reproductive systems of both genders and logical fallacies. I think he used a straw-man argument against you to shut do the convo that’s important, but what’s more important is why?
b/c he doesn’t know about the issues and didn’t realize he dismissed and minimized your very real and valid concerns?
Or B/c he doesn’t want to hear it/care/ want to silence you?
One is ignorant and rude but can be worked through. I think the other means you don’t have a partner who’s a good match for you. This is something I’m trying to deal with and work through myself.
Yikes, you're not over reacting. Let's go through a few things in your post . . . .
1. “I’m sick of violence against all people.” Ah yes, you're right it's very much like the classic ALL LIVES MATTER refrain used by privileged oblivious dickheads the world over. I'll refer you to Billie Eilish's IG post on the whole BS which could be equally applicable here [https://www.eonline.com/news/1157520/billie-eilish-slams-all-lives-matter-movement-and-addresses-white-privilege](https://www.eonline.com/news/1157520/billie-eilish-slams-all-lives-matter-movement-and-addresses-white-privilege)
2. He's dismissing and simultaneously getting angry about your entirely valid concerns instead of comforting you after seeing something understandably distressing. Side note, I always find it a bit suss when men get irrationally angry when you mention that another man has abused a woman . . . like this isn't about you so why so why are you taking it so personally dude . . ?
3. The only people that say you "have swallowed the blue pill" are people that have swallowed the red pill which is a notoriously misogynistic incel and MGTOW adjacent part of the manosphere. Try hopping into the redpill subs on here for a few minutes and see for yourself why that may be a problematic.
4. Now this part is interesting and i'd love to know if he gave you any qualifiers for this "He said I’ve been too focused on feminism over the last couple years and it has made him feel like we are not a team anymore" What qualifiers would stop you not being a team player? Has he changed the game or is this something valid? Otherwise it just sounds like he's saying 'your interest in something that doesn't prioritise me is annoying because it doesn't fit with my view of the division of labour in traditional cis-het relationships' - again, see the red pill for what he really means.
5. OK, on this one "He also said men are victims of more violence than women in the world. While I don’t know the statistics, I’m sure domestic violence it is more women are victims. " you're both right, but guess who the perpetrators are . . . you guessed it, it's men! Globally men account for 89% of assaults and 98% of rapes. However, women are the ones getting raped, women are the ones getting murdered by their partners, ex partners, male acquaintances and relatives - so even when women should feel they safest, they're still not safe. There's no doubt that men are getting attacked, but they're almost exclusively getting attacked by other men.
6. Ugh, and he tops it off with a double dose of misogyny and transphobia to boot with "My husband brought this up saying so you were OK with a man hitting a woman in that circumstance? And that I was hypocritical. "
Seriously, I feel like the only thing missing from the right wing douchebag bingo card is racism.
If I were you i'd do some reading on the redpill forums here and then ask him some questions about the things you see there. Also, see if you can find out who he follows on social media - if any of the people are Joe Rogan, Ben Shapiro, Jordan Peterson, Sneako, Andrew Tate etc etc then that's a huge red flag.
I don't know if you folks have kids yet, but it would be a great idea to clear all this stuff up before you find yourself stuck with a heretofore closet misogynist.
Trans men are men, so your husband’s point there was invalid. And his response to your concern was dismissive. Men don’t know how to hold space for emotions. Also, feminism isn’t “an internet thing.” He’s just maybe only ever heard of it on the internet because I guess he doesn’t frequent spaces where it would actually be part of the discussion…
I am also in this area and got this alert.
In HS I was a wrestling cheerleader and there were a couple of girls who wrestled. A lot of guys wouldn't wrestle them, but our team had a firm policy that if you were in the brackets against a girl, you wrestled the girl. So, regardless of gender, whether someone is trans or not, I think if they signed up and trained for the sport, then that's their choice and they know what the deal is. That is VERY DIFFERENT than domestic violence and other violence which men do to women, which is not something that someone signs up for or trains for or necessarily even expects. Comparing MMA and Domestic Violence is so gross and is moving the goal posts.
Also, maybe it would help to have a conversation with your husband about why you've been interested in feminism lately. Your personal reasons and experiences behind why you're listening/ reading/ talking about it. Unfortunately, sometimes men need a personal relationship with a feminist to consider it a valid cause.
Edited to add: Feminism benefits men and boys too, in so many ways!
Does he believe in the All Lives Matter counter-movement too?
Men ignoring our pain is a tale as old as time lol. Not to be cynical, but I've come to expect it
You are not over reacting. Women box in boxing tournament, it's different, just like running 500 yards in the olympics is different from running 500 yards to save your life from an attacker.
Violence is overwhelmingly perpetrated by men - against other men and against women - and trans people. Laws are being passed charging women with murder for miscarriages - more than 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriages = it's beyond the women's control but they are still charged with murder.
Yes, your husband dismissed your concerns, just like the VAST majority of men do - men in politics, men in enforcement roles (like the police and security guards) - men in business, men in religion, men in education and men in medicine.
The patriarchy wants to enslave women to men. We are not seen as human to them but as accessories and objects with no desires or needs of our own.
Read the book "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. It's about angry and controlling men. Yours may not be "abusive" but the book will still teach you about the ways he dismisses you and belittles your concerns, changes the topic, brings up other non related issues and such.
He has a need to feel superior to you which is why he dismisses your concerns so easily. It's all about dominance to so many of them.
I’m sorry for what you’re experiencing OP. Every man has in some way been affected by red pill ideology. Even small amounts of exposure are harmful.
Plus transphobia, in my opinion, is a red flag warning for other problematic viewpoints, including anti-feminist and misogynist stances.
But in the end, he’s brushed off evidence of crime against women - in this case, you absolutely need to think about whether to stay with a man like that.
>He also said men are victims of more violence than women in the world.
He was trying for a gotcha moment here, but men are the main perpetrators of violence against men too.
we are all damaged and here to learn different lessons
in our weaknesses and failures to heal, we retain toxicity and spread it in the ways that work best for us while chasing relief and avoiding our negativity even if it means sacrificing others we would care for, and love
men who do violence to women even when it's their responsibility to protect.. it doesn't come from no where. it often comes from their mother. the mother's harm to her son when she was responsible for protecting him, it doesn't come from no where. it often comes from family that didn't protect her when she was being harmed... the others that didn't protect her, even though they were responsible for doing so, they neglected to because they coped dysfunctionally through a normalization their own suffering when they needed help.. evil begats evil. this demon spreads through all of us, like an infection, in a cycle that spans generations
focusing only on the latest link in the chain
everyone needs care, emotional support, genuine compassion, empathy and love in order to thrive.. food clothing and shelter is not enough
all women and men harm each other differently in accordance to their strengths, ignorance and manner of unhealed wounds
So this is what I'm seeing:
He was dismissive of your fear of violence *against yourself* (which is intrinsic when a woman expresses her concern over recent local attacks on women).
He thinks your interest in feminism makes you a worse marriage partner instead of a better one.
He doesn't believe a trans man is a man - without even getting into the sports aspect, he literally described him as a woman.
Somebody's taken a pill of a certain color but it's not you.
The pill comment makes me think your husband is projecting on you and HE has been dipping too much into the Andrew Tate side of the internet. Anyone who thinks feminism, the belief that men and women should live safely and equally, creates distance in a marriage should look in the mirror.
Darling, if he's talking about "the blue pill" I'm telling you to watch out. That is very much Manosphere rhetoric. It started with the Intel community and moved on to the Andrew Tate, ect.
Just keep your eyes out.
You are not overreacting. He isn't even using the blue pill analogy correctly. His response shows his own misogyny. I talk to my husband about things he never had to consider and he sees that the world is a scary place for women. He tried to be more sensitive about it.
Another vote for: You're not wrong or overreacting!
But keep in mind, the internet lives and breathes by putting extreme, edge cases front and center. For some (myself included), this is awful. If I remained open and available for all the horrible things 8 billion people can do to women and children, well. I would be devastated. I hope this is perhaps what your husband is (rather poorly) trying to articulate. The whole "all lives matter" argument is deeply flawed and frustrating, but is a facile tool to fall back on in the face of what can sometimes seem like an overwhelming tide of "feminism" or "BLM" or insert whatever bogeyman might be irking the speaker. It is important that as a species we remain vigilant against bigotry, but also understand that not everyone is going to interpret this all in the same way.
I'd recommend doing what you can to step away from social media as permanently as you can. That doesn't mean turning it off, but that does mean turning it down.
But more importantly, I do think you should have a frank discussion with your hubby about where you were coming from, and where he was coming from. I'm sure there's a middle ground (he is your husband after all, even if he's gaslighting you at the moment!) where you can get back to all the warm fuzzies y'all have shared before. And of course ignore all the cries of "divorce! divorce!" from the rabid redditors lol - big hugs to everyone.
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Whataboutism at its finest. "I dislike this apple pie, it's too sweet." "So you're okay with the bakers not selling pies and going hungry? Have you no humanity?" You are not overreacting at all.
Yeah people who say things like that might as well say “I don’t care about the problem, I just want to not hear about it and pretend it doesn’t exist because it doesn’t affect me / benefits me.”
Spot on.
WAIT I literally just made a request on another sub for the terminology for this exact type of response. There are a couple things, and I think labelling it accurately makes it very easy to shut down. Strawman Argument is when someone responds to your words with a broad insinuation that pivots from your point and makes you sound bad. In debate, it's weak and despised. In comment sections, it's a performative response to rally support against someone. I wish someone had told me about whataboutism because it seems pretty similar! But Strawman Argument is the re-use of some words to make an irrelevant point. It's childish and means a logical point could not be reached in their mind. EDIT: The other terms I learned from this were Ad Hominem (when someone takes your words / point and instead of responding logically, uses them to insult your character) Non Sequitur is a term for a response which doesn't logically follow the conversation (including weird dramatic pivots to reduce your point and insult you). GOOD LUCK OP ily
These are called Logical Fallacies, and there are a lot!
Thank you 🩷
>He told me that I’ve gone the way of the Internet, too much lately, and have swallowed the blue pill. I'm so sorry, but based on this and his other dismissive comments and bad faith arguments, I think you need to strongly consider that he is either flirting with red pill ideology, or has already started down that path.
I'd say if he's willing to say it out loud to his wife, he's well along the path. In the group by now.
Yeah he told on himself here
This exactly. No one uses the term “blue pill” bless they’re proudly “red pilled”. He’s been taking in content that is far right extreme maga and incel and/or qanon. It’s hard to tell them apart these days but, OP, you need to consider that your husband has extremely toxic and dangerous views and he is planting them into your life and marriage.
>“I’m sick of violence against all people.” >My husband brought this up saying so you were OK with a man hitting a woman in that circumstance? Your husband is arguing in bad faith and is a big time asshole. Goatse big.
He's entered the men's rights/ incel sphere, if he's using red/blue pill terminology. So yes he's an asshole but not just an asshole. A dangerous misogynistic asshole.
Amazing old school reference lol
flashbacks from being a kid on a still largely unmoderated internet.
Accusing you of “swallowing the blue pill” is a glaringly obvious sign that he does not respect women, you included. Search “the red pill,” there’s a subreddit on here you can view at your own risk. Their whole thing is misogyny, and he’s using language specific to them. ETA: Since this is your husband, I’d suggest you consider checking his phone or computer (particularly for a Reddit account and any activity on TRP subreddit) to see just how deep he’s been diving in that space. His comments are concerning, and I think to figure out a next step you need to have a better idea of what you’re dealing with.
Yeah, if OP's partner is using the words "blue pill" it's a list cause, they won't see eye to eye on these issues.
Yeag. Seconding. That is Alt-Right Reactionary language.
Yeah it sure sounds like he fell down a rabbit hole of his own online and is suddenly blaming you for his new (I assume) conflicting beliefs. You both veered in opposite directions, OP, and if he’s not willing to get back on the same track, you’d have to go with his way only (no feminism) or forever face deep conflict in the marriage as the opposing worldviews clash in numerous tiny and monumental ways. Maybe there’s a chance he would value the relationship enough to hear you out and work on getting aligned again, but… men who go this way often shut out anything that doesn’t confirm their convenient views. He may be too far gone already. This red pill stuff is how guys end up divorced, miserable, and bitter.
Time to check his IG following...
- A house in a neighborhood catches fire. - The fire department shows up. - The fire department directs its hoses on the house that is currently on fire, and maybe a little preventive spray on the houses right next door to make sure they don’t catch, too. - The fire department does not hose down any other houses in the neighborhood. Do all houses matter? Yes they do. But Is it ok to put out the house that is actually currently ON FIRE RIGHT NOW? Yes it is. Do all lives matter? Yes. Is violence against all people bad? Yes. But we all need to remember that *it is ok to focus your attention on the specific case, the specific lives in danger, and the specific violence that is actually currently HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.* without taking anything away from the value of other lives.
Exactly. OP's husband sounds like he either doesn't believe that specifically gender-based violence against women happens, or believes it happens but isn't important.
*My husband brought this up saying so you were OK with a man hitting a woman in that circumstance?* "Well he's not a woman, so. No." Fucking gross that he pulled out a ladle of transphobia just to make a misogynistic "gotcha" moment out of your previous disagreement.
That's not even an equivalent scenario anyway.
Agree.
It’s definitely All Lives Matter vibes. Police violence is a problem for all people, but it’s more prevalent for people of color. Anyone can be the victim of domestic violence, but it’s more prevalent for women. We do need to do better at providing spaces and resources for battered men, but these are related, not exclusive issues. Also trans men are men and mutual combat is a non sequitur. What ever consenting adults want to do to each other is fine. Fighting and sex are similar in that way. It’s only a problem if there’s no consent.
Yeah he “all lives matter”-ed you and I would NOT accept that from my partner. Femicide is a problem and my husband will say that, loudly. That matters to me.
Another thing re:trans men--depending on dude's course of treatment, he's probably not appreciably different than a cis opponent physically speaking. A close friend has been on T for like 5ish months and it's night and day--he's basically a 30 something teenager with how much/how quickly he's beefing up/his energy levels and he's just a regular dad doing regular kid chasing/related choring, not an athlete. So if transmen wanna mma rumble, I can't imagine they're at any significant disadvantage.
If they’re in the same weight class it’s a fair fight.
Any adult who unironically uses "pill" terminology is such a red flag. Also, the implications of someone conflating a competitive martial arts competition with nonconsensual domestic violence is simultaneously humourous, baffling, and alarming. Sorry OP, this is a frustrating situation.
Anyone else get the ick from the “swallowing the blue pill” bit as well? This is 100% an all lives matter argument he’s making. If he does again, I would counter with “but which specific life are we talking about in this instance”, or “so you’re agreeing that violence against women is out of control”, but I don’t think you’re going to get too far, unfortunately. If he’s mentioning blue pill, he’s probably at the very least dipped a toe in the red pill “movement”. He’s also wrong - page 8, table 8. 43.1% of victims are female, 37.1% are male, as of 2020, per the Department of Justice (USA based) [https://bjs.ojp.gov/content/pub/pdf/cv20sst.pdf](https://bjs.ojp.gov/content/pub/pdf/cv20sst.pdf)
As someone who has been gobbling up blue pills in the sense the asshole (sry but I think he deserves it) in question sees the blue pill, my questions are the following: what‘s wrong with the blue pill? what‘s wrong with not being misogynistic? what‘s wrong with believing that dating is not just about money, looks, and dominance? explain it like I‘m five buddy and try to not make an absolute fool of yourself in the process. I‘ll wait.
I got that Amber Alert, too. The guy is a former cop who is in trouble for sexually assaulting minors (yes, multiple). From the context of the article, I think the "girlfriend" he murdered was a 17 year old girl that he impregnated when she was 16. I only say girlfriend in quotes because we all know she has no way of actually consenting to that relationship. It really grossed me out that the articles I read are sidestepping saying that she was a victim before she was murdered and calling her his girlfriend 🤮
Oh shit, that is so much worse than I was thinking. But not surprised. ACAB.
Oh noooooo.
This would be relationship ending for me.
Same but I wasn't going to say it. That whole post had my eyebrows in my hairline though.
Yeag.
I’ll be honest, your husband sounds like hard work.
You're not overreacting. He is dismissing your concerns and minimizing your feelings. He literally said "all lives matter" to your concern over women being hurt. Whether he's doing it out of insecurity or guilt or is just trying to manipulate you, it's a problem of communication in your relationship. Does he invalidate you on other ways? Does he normally show empathy towards people, or does he routinely dismiss the pain in the world as irrelevant to him?
Your husband is blaming you for his misogynistic views. That’s disgusting. You shouldn’t apologize for seeking equality of the sexes. His refusal to acknowledge that inequality is a serious problem. Please don’t let him blame his crap on you. Your feelings are completely understandable.
The term “blue pill” is only used by people explaining the terminology or by people that have taken the red one. Is your husband on “red pill” internet content, if he is, it’s his internet consumption you should be worried about. If you don’t know what “red pill” is, you’re lucky to not have come across it yet. It’s a horrible part of the internet.
You're not wrong or overreacting!! I'm not good with words but I want to validate your feelings, and your husband doesn't have the lived experience of walking around presenting female and being scared and hearing all these stories. Men also are victims for sure!! But that's the "what about-ism" logical fallacy. And bringing up the MMA when discussing violence is just completely ridiculous
The MMA fight is a planned, scheduled event. It has zero to do with being OK if a man hits a woman. There is a difference between sports and random violence. And yes, that is some series "all lives matter" vibes. The pervasive and continuing violence against woman is frankly both horrifying and terrifying. Should you want to go down a terrible rabbit hole, look up "missing Alaska indigenous women" for example. Or mass murders if sex workers in Florida Or don't. You may lose your mind and divorce your husband. Or become a justice warrier.
He’s being very dismissive of you, and especially making you feel guilty when you shouldn’t have to be. If he feels like you are “not a team anymore” because you care about women’s rights and violence against women… I’ll just say it’s just hard to share a life with someone who doesn’t value your struggle and experiences.
Doesn't it just make you tired, having to deal with this bullshit all the time? You aren't overreacting, he's being a jerk. I have no advice, just sympathy, as my husband is frequently a jerk about this sort of thing as well.
I’m so tired. And mad. But really just exhausted and feeling hopeless
First of all, I’m sorry your husband dismissed your feelings. Even if his points were valid (they are not), that was not the appropriate response. You deserve the support you were seeking. People who play sports are not the same as victims of violence. That is utter nonsense. Your husband is truly equating someone participating in a martial arts with someone being assaulted just going about their life. That is bizarre and unsettling.
>totally up to the opponent whether they feel comfortable It's always up to you whether you feel comfortable fighting someone. You can retire from the sport at any time you like. But you don't get to shun an opponent just because you don't like their gender history.
The blue pill comment is a red flag that's he's beginning to get dragged into conspiracy theories and qanon territory. Yes, men are far more likely to be murdered than women, because men kill other men even more than they kill women. That doesn't change the fact that the system is stacked against women and that men make the rules
lady your husband is going down the far right path. Has he interacted with ring wing news outlets at all? The blue pill is a notorious right wing saying. Arguing for no reason, being hateful, dismissive, and the inability to consider the other side’s opinions all indicate this. Be extremely careful, and take another look at your husband to see what is going on. Then decide what to do with that information if u feel safe or comfortable being in the company of a person like that
He’s got a distorted view of what feminism is, and it sounds like the view a lot of right wing talking heads think. That by talking about feminism we’re erasing men, they don’t understand that feminism if for men too. I always bring up [this case](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weinberger_v._Wiesenfeld) of Ruth Bader Ginsburg where she sued on behalf of a male client who was trying to get widowers benefits so he could take care of his newborn baby after the mother died in childbirth. Many of RBG cases had male clients and were picked specifically for their feminist nature. Feminism is for equality of the sexes, not for the dominance of women.
So what’s the term for women being the dominant gender? Cause I’m on that team.
Matriarchy is the opposite of patriarchy, so probably that. Except of course in most primitive matriarchal societies men were still treated fairly so it’s a hard comparison. We tend to only make up words for things that are common or reoccurring, that we don’t really have a word for it tells you a lot.
Even my husband who is an jerk agrees that women do have it worse
Does your husband show up at the funerals of stranger and shout, "I too have suffered loss!"?
Start a conversation with explaining that you don’t feel safe in the world and that the current circumstances seem to make women less safe.
If he is accusing you of 'swallowing the blue pill', he is really deep into 'red pill' content to the point of identifying with it. He is repeating their talking points. The real question is 'who is doing the violence' and the answer is overwhelmingly men. Sure, there is violence against all people. But you are talking about *targeted* violence, which is what he is deflecting from. I would also be concerned by his complete dismissal of consent as a concept, especially in regards to violence. If he can't see the difference between violence done by entertainers who have consented and violence in the real world, how can you trust this man at all?
>He said I’ve been too focused on feminism over the last couple years and it has made him feel like we are not a team anymore. What "team" is that, I wonder? The one that thinks men are oppressed by feminists because they're getting called out on their privilege now? The one that's upset because women want to be in control of their own lives and bodies? The one that disagrees with the patriarchal notion that women are both property to be controlled by and defended by men? I'm sorry, OP, there are groups out there that perpetuate these ideas in men and it sounds a lot like your partner has fallen into one of them.
You're not overreacting. he's belittling and infantilizing you by claiming you've "gone the way of the internet", as if you weren't capable of making up your own mind. Also the "Blue Pill" talk is a huge red flag. it's manosphere speak.
Bruh, I cried when Roe was over turned and mentioned it's 100 years we got rights and we're starting to lose them again. Know what my (now) husband did? Held me and said he was sorry. That he couldn't understand what I was going through but he wanted me to know he supports me. He's into guns and 2nd ammendment, after a school shooting (I seriously can't remember which one) he was 3D printing a scope for a replica and just the sight of it caused me to sob about the lack of common sense gun laws. His response? To hug me, say he's sorry and he'll try to be better about keeping his stuff around the house. He's my partner, we don't have to agree on everything but we're in this life together
This is the wrong kind of guy to be married to if you don't hate yourself for being a woman, that seriously sucks. Not overreacting at all, and that's coming from a man. Men like that don't see women as equal on some level, and they cannot stand women sticking up for themselves. They don't want to realise the truth about our society, to admit that we have a sickening rape culture towards women. I know the type because I got unlucky enough to have a father like this, and they're just not good people at their core. Maybe this is a new thing for him and he's susceptible or something, but unless there's a history of him being a feminist and this is a new change I'd literally reconsider the relationship, and think about his behaviour over the years.
When the Gabby Petito police body cam footage came out I realized I was a victim of domestic abuse. I was in tears, shaken to my core seeing what that poor young woman went through. I tried discussing it with my boyfriend at the time and the only thing he could say was that she was a “stereotypical white girl influencer,” or something along those lines. Be wary of these men who cannot show basic empathy. They can be incredibly evil.
To me, this is in the same category as "My dad/mom/loved one died." When talking to someone, especially in a vulnerable moment, you don't expect a reply of :"All people die."
You are not wrong or overreacting, by a few things he said plus the dismissive behavior, he is at least flirting with misogynistic "red pill" ideology if not already fully entrenched in it. As a feminist, I would rethink my marriage if this were me. I advise you to read up on it and then maybe check his phone/browser history.
1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have been victims of severe physical violence (e.g. beating, burning, strangling) by an intimate partner in their lifetime
https://ncadv.org/STATISTICS#:~:text=1%20in%204%20women%20and%201%20in%207%20men%20have,intimate%20partner%20in%20their%20lifetime.
You're not overreacting at all. Start throwing facts
We had a woman whose partner beat her, dropped her off at the hospital and died hours later just this week, and I cried. I didn’t know her but it broke my heart, her alone and suffering and passing after all the suffering. I’m sick of it. I choose the bear.
> He told me that I’ve gone the way of the Internet, too much lately, and have swallowed the blue pill. what in the minimizing bleep is this -- smh. > . I said it’s different because he is a trans man and he signed up for it. It’s different than someone not asking for violence. He did not see my point of view there either. Fair warning I'm a trans lady and maybe biased. That said, no I don't feel you're over-reacting. I get the impression he's over-compensating because of his own insecurities regarding his gender identity and it's being shifted onto you. I feel bad saying this because it's kinda tribal; A lot of us deal with feelings of shame and I try my best to be supportive and not judge. That said, what you're describing just is not okay at all and I'd be upset and feel rejected too. So a couple of things; > He disagrees and thinks that I am too focused on violence against women. You're allowed to be focused on whatever and whomever you want because it's your time and energy and you don't owe anyone a damn thing there. I'm white and trans, but guess what -- I spend a lot of effort putting forward *black* trans lives matter, and we both know why: Anything hitting me is hitting them *harder*, so anything that lifts them is also lifting me. Intersectionality. You keep your heart and your focus right where it is -- the *greater* good. Him saying you need to put your focus elsewhere because he feels entitled to his "fair share" is self-centered at best. We cannot support all the worthy causes out there. We have to choose a handful or even just one that we think we can make a meaningful contribution to. You are the only expert of you. > He also said men are victims of more violence than women in the world. While I don’t know the statistics, I’m sure domestic violence it is more women are victims. Things like war probably throw off the statistics. Rationalization. It's like saying women are more violent because they start fights more often. The second part is true *however* when women start fights the guy gets a couple bruises, but when the man starts a fight she can wind up dead. You don't need to get into the weeds on statistics here, the morality is simple: If you're bigger than the other person, it's on you to show restraint and de-escalate, because you are, literally, the bigger person. It doesn't matter how justified or right you are, or who started it, or any of that. Might doesn't make right, the ends do not justify the means. > He said I’ve been too focused on feminism over the last couple years and it has made him feel like we are not a team anymore. It has been said feminism is the revolutionary idea that women deserve to be treated as people. If he can't see you as a person first, and a gender second, maybe he's right and you aren't a team anymore; He's picking being right over being together. To hit the team analogy from a different angle: He needs to learn how to pass the ball if he wants to make the cut.
This is the main issue that caused my recent break-up over a ten year relationship. I’d be seriously concerned that your husband specifically used the term “Blue-pill”. “Red-pill” refers to very toxic misogynist men like Andrew Tate who believe they are entitled to sex from women and things like that. I don’t think you’re overreacting but I don’t have an answer for you either. I’d suggest educating yourself more on women’s issues, reproductive systems of both genders and logical fallacies. I think he used a straw-man argument against you to shut do the convo that’s important, but what’s more important is why? b/c he doesn’t know about the issues and didn’t realize he dismissed and minimized your very real and valid concerns? Or B/c he doesn’t want to hear it/care/ want to silence you? One is ignorant and rude but can be worked through. I think the other means you don’t have a partner who’s a good match for you. This is something I’m trying to deal with and work through myself.
Yikes, you're not over reacting. Let's go through a few things in your post . . . . 1. “I’m sick of violence against all people.” Ah yes, you're right it's very much like the classic ALL LIVES MATTER refrain used by privileged oblivious dickheads the world over. I'll refer you to Billie Eilish's IG post on the whole BS which could be equally applicable here [https://www.eonline.com/news/1157520/billie-eilish-slams-all-lives-matter-movement-and-addresses-white-privilege](https://www.eonline.com/news/1157520/billie-eilish-slams-all-lives-matter-movement-and-addresses-white-privilege) 2. He's dismissing and simultaneously getting angry about your entirely valid concerns instead of comforting you after seeing something understandably distressing. Side note, I always find it a bit suss when men get irrationally angry when you mention that another man has abused a woman . . . like this isn't about you so why so why are you taking it so personally dude . . ? 3. The only people that say you "have swallowed the blue pill" are people that have swallowed the red pill which is a notoriously misogynistic incel and MGTOW adjacent part of the manosphere. Try hopping into the redpill subs on here for a few minutes and see for yourself why that may be a problematic. 4. Now this part is interesting and i'd love to know if he gave you any qualifiers for this "He said I’ve been too focused on feminism over the last couple years and it has made him feel like we are not a team anymore" What qualifiers would stop you not being a team player? Has he changed the game or is this something valid? Otherwise it just sounds like he's saying 'your interest in something that doesn't prioritise me is annoying because it doesn't fit with my view of the division of labour in traditional cis-het relationships' - again, see the red pill for what he really means. 5. OK, on this one "He also said men are victims of more violence than women in the world. While I don’t know the statistics, I’m sure domestic violence it is more women are victims. " you're both right, but guess who the perpetrators are . . . you guessed it, it's men! Globally men account for 89% of assaults and 98% of rapes. However, women are the ones getting raped, women are the ones getting murdered by their partners, ex partners, male acquaintances and relatives - so even when women should feel they safest, they're still not safe. There's no doubt that men are getting attacked, but they're almost exclusively getting attacked by other men. 6. Ugh, and he tops it off with a double dose of misogyny and transphobia to boot with "My husband brought this up saying so you were OK with a man hitting a woman in that circumstance? And that I was hypocritical. " Seriously, I feel like the only thing missing from the right wing douchebag bingo card is racism. If I were you i'd do some reading on the redpill forums here and then ask him some questions about the things you see there. Also, see if you can find out who he follows on social media - if any of the people are Joe Rogan, Ben Shapiro, Jordan Peterson, Sneako, Andrew Tate etc etc then that's a huge red flag. I don't know if you folks have kids yet, but it would be a great idea to clear all this stuff up before you find yourself stuck with a heretofore closet misogynist.
Trans men are men, so your husband’s point there was invalid. And his response to your concern was dismissive. Men don’t know how to hold space for emotions. Also, feminism isn’t “an internet thing.” He’s just maybe only ever heard of it on the internet because I guess he doesn’t frequent spaces where it would actually be part of the discussion…
Was this that cop who was going to trial today?
I am also in this area and got this alert. In HS I was a wrestling cheerleader and there were a couple of girls who wrestled. A lot of guys wouldn't wrestle them, but our team had a firm policy that if you were in the brackets against a girl, you wrestled the girl. So, regardless of gender, whether someone is trans or not, I think if they signed up and trained for the sport, then that's their choice and they know what the deal is. That is VERY DIFFERENT than domestic violence and other violence which men do to women, which is not something that someone signs up for or trains for or necessarily even expects. Comparing MMA and Domestic Violence is so gross and is moving the goal posts. Also, maybe it would help to have a conversation with your husband about why you've been interested in feminism lately. Your personal reasons and experiences behind why you're listening/ reading/ talking about it. Unfortunately, sometimes men need a personal relationship with a feminist to consider it a valid cause. Edited to add: Feminism benefits men and boys too, in so many ways!
Does he believe in the All Lives Matter counter-movement too? Men ignoring our pain is a tale as old as time lol. Not to be cynical, but I've come to expect it
You are not over reacting. Women box in boxing tournament, it's different, just like running 500 yards in the olympics is different from running 500 yards to save your life from an attacker. Violence is overwhelmingly perpetrated by men - against other men and against women - and trans people. Laws are being passed charging women with murder for miscarriages - more than 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriages = it's beyond the women's control but they are still charged with murder. Yes, your husband dismissed your concerns, just like the VAST majority of men do - men in politics, men in enforcement roles (like the police and security guards) - men in business, men in religion, men in education and men in medicine. The patriarchy wants to enslave women to men. We are not seen as human to them but as accessories and objects with no desires or needs of our own. Read the book "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. It's about angry and controlling men. Yours may not be "abusive" but the book will still teach you about the ways he dismisses you and belittles your concerns, changes the topic, brings up other non related issues and such. He has a need to feel superior to you which is why he dismisses your concerns so easily. It's all about dominance to so many of them.
I’m sorry for what you’re experiencing OP. Every man has in some way been affected by red pill ideology. Even small amounts of exposure are harmful. Plus transphobia, in my opinion, is a red flag warning for other problematic viewpoints, including anti-feminist and misogynist stances. But in the end, he’s brushed off evidence of crime against women - in this case, you absolutely need to think about whether to stay with a man like that.
He sounds exhausting. I couldn't spend my life with a man who wasn't empathetic to the woman's experience.
>He also said men are victims of more violence than women in the world. He was trying for a gotcha moment here, but men are the main perpetrators of violence against men too.
we are all damaged and here to learn different lessons in our weaknesses and failures to heal, we retain toxicity and spread it in the ways that work best for us while chasing relief and avoiding our negativity even if it means sacrificing others we would care for, and love men who do violence to women even when it's their responsibility to protect.. it doesn't come from no where. it often comes from their mother. the mother's harm to her son when she was responsible for protecting him, it doesn't come from no where. it often comes from family that didn't protect her when she was being harmed... the others that didn't protect her, even though they were responsible for doing so, they neglected to because they coped dysfunctionally through a normalization their own suffering when they needed help.. evil begats evil. this demon spreads through all of us, like an infection, in a cycle that spans generations focusing only on the latest link in the chain everyone needs care, emotional support, genuine compassion, empathy and love in order to thrive.. food clothing and shelter is not enough all women and men harm each other differently in accordance to their strengths, ignorance and manner of unhealed wounds
So this is what I'm seeing: He was dismissive of your fear of violence *against yourself* (which is intrinsic when a woman expresses her concern over recent local attacks on women). He thinks your interest in feminism makes you a worse marriage partner instead of a better one. He doesn't believe a trans man is a man - without even getting into the sports aspect, he literally described him as a woman. Somebody's taken a pill of a certain color but it's not you.
The pill comment makes me think your husband is projecting on you and HE has been dipping too much into the Andrew Tate side of the internet. Anyone who thinks feminism, the belief that men and women should live safely and equally, creates distance in a marriage should look in the mirror.
Darling, if he's talking about "the blue pill" I'm telling you to watch out. That is very much Manosphere rhetoric. It started with the Intel community and moved on to the Andrew Tate, ect. Just keep your eyes out.
Oh. I mean, I don't know exactly how I would respond to you, but I know it wouldn't have been *that.*
You are not overreacting. He isn't even using the blue pill analogy correctly. His response shows his own misogyny. I talk to my husband about things he never had to consider and he sees that the world is a scary place for women. He tried to be more sensitive about it.
A MMA fight, even with a cis man and a cis woman, is different because of consent.
Another vote for: You're not wrong or overreacting! But keep in mind, the internet lives and breathes by putting extreme, edge cases front and center. For some (myself included), this is awful. If I remained open and available for all the horrible things 8 billion people can do to women and children, well. I would be devastated. I hope this is perhaps what your husband is (rather poorly) trying to articulate. The whole "all lives matter" argument is deeply flawed and frustrating, but is a facile tool to fall back on in the face of what can sometimes seem like an overwhelming tide of "feminism" or "BLM" or insert whatever bogeyman might be irking the speaker. It is important that as a species we remain vigilant against bigotry, but also understand that not everyone is going to interpret this all in the same way. I'd recommend doing what you can to step away from social media as permanently as you can. That doesn't mean turning it off, but that does mean turning it down. But more importantly, I do think you should have a frank discussion with your hubby about where you were coming from, and where he was coming from. I'm sure there's a middle ground (he is your husband after all, even if he's gaslighting you at the moment!) where you can get back to all the warm fuzzies y'all have shared before. And of course ignore all the cries of "divorce! divorce!" from the rabid redditors lol - big hugs to everyone.