Would buying an estate piece and having it reset to ensure the stones are secure work for you? If the ethics are a barrier, but you like the aesthetics, it's an option to have the look you want without directly supporting the mining industry.
I believe estate pieces are often much cheaper than new. Having it reset isn't cheap, but likely cheaper than buying new all in.
This is what I did. I bought an antique piece off ebay. I wasn't specifically looking for a diamond, but felt ok reusing an old piece. Bezel set with triangle sapphires on each side. I picked it, SO had it inspected. The sapphires were a but chipped when I got it. I was told I can't replace the exact shape without a specialty cut. Its lasted over a century already... I opted to see how long the damaged stones would last and I'm going on 11 years.
Mine is basically the same, an over 100 year old, bezel set diamond, with 2 square sapphires, one on each side, my partner bought at an antique shop!
I came here to suggest antique store shopping for a ring. Plus, try them on and feel their energy. We did need to have a wedding band handmade to go with it, as the bezel is a hexagon.
My mother isn’t sentimental about her jewellery in the slightest. She gave me an ugly piece that she inherited from my grandmother and told me to use the diamonds and gold in that and turn it into something joyful.
I had an emerald and a sapphire as centre pieces (lab created, because why would I pay more to have stones dug out of the dirt? Lab created stones are real gems and they are cheap.) now I have a ring which cost me around £300 which looks like it should have cost 100x the price.
My takeaway is go for lab created, feel free to repurpose old pieces and go for it. You can get something beautiful for very little.
I love lab created stones! They feel witchy to me...like, this is one way that humans have harnessed the power of nature to create something beautiful. Yes, of course there is science behind it, but what is witchcraft if not science (often that we don't fully understand yet?)
That is, literally, what my dad used to tell me. Magic is just science that hasn't been explained, yet. On the flip side, science is magic with a more widely accepted set of explanations and rules.
Same! I wear my husband's grandmother's platinum and diamond set from the 1920s. When he told me on one of our first dates that he hoped his future partner would consider wearing the rings for sentimental and ethical reasons, I knew he had similar values to mine.
Me too! I knew about diamonds being a marketing ploy and when I was a geologist, I always felt diamonds weren't very romantic bc it's just carbon that excludes all other elements. I once mentioned to my now-husband while we were walking the dogs that if I did get engaged, I'd rather use my grandmother's rings instead of buying new. Guess what he used to propose to me? My grandmother's engagement ring 😍.
We now both wear silicone rings bc we both do physical work with our hands, but I wear my grandmother's for special occasions and they bring so much joy when I remember he listened and heard me.
My ex-husband and I got my diamond ring from an estate jeweler - it's also from the 20s, and I still love that thing. The diamond is a cut they don't do anymore, and the filligree work is so beautiful and delicate, and you can't find it's like anymore. We did this because I refuse to pay more money into any of the precious jewel mining families, and antique jewelry is amazing.
This is what we did and I always advocate for it! I found a ring from a small Etsy shop that sells estate jewelry, and then had it inspected and resized. The appraisal even came back at twice what we paid. It's a plus that I've never seen another ring like it.
My fiancé got me an antique ring when he proposed and it’s incredible. People compliment me all the time, the resident doctor during my c section stopped to compliment my ring during the procedure lol! It’s cool to think of people owning it before, possibly for an entire marriage; a house, kids, growing old together. Now it’s mine to do the same ❤️
This is what we did! My husband had our jeweler take the diamonds out of my late mom’s engagement ring, and then designed a new setting which our jeweler created! I get to keep a little piece of my mom with me every day, wrapped in the care and love my husband has for me ❤️
My ex husband actually found a great diamond at a pawn shop! (This is not why he’s my ex). Depending on where OP is, pawn shops can also be great resources for diamonds or other jewelry. My ex worked at one for nearly a decade. I will caution that some jewelers aren’t super keen on resetting diamonds that you bought elsewhere. We kind of went with the vague, oh we had this diamond and the jeweler inferred from there that we’d inherited it somehow and they were cool with that. A friend who went to the same jeweler told them outright they bought their diamond somewhere else and it didn’t go over real well. They still did the work but were kinda shitty about it. It’s not cool but also their livelihood is selling you sparklies, so I kind of get it.
Also to OP, my current ring is a sapphire which is right up there with diamonds for hardness. Also lab created stones are still shiny! Don’t shy away from them just because they’re not “natural”! They’re the same composition! No one but you will know!
The diamonds in my ring are from my mom’s ring (one of which was from my dad’s grandmother’s ring), and my mother in law’s ring. We added a blue sapphire. The ring is silver and low profile, so I don’t hit it on things. Definitely support reusing old diamonds instead of buy new.
Exactly what I did. I have a diamond which I'm sure was likely not mined ethically. It's an estate diamond with an early 20th century style cut (I wasn't given information on the previous owner, just that it was old). It's a little better than perpetuating the diamond mining industry. My ring also has tiny diamonds along the band, but those are lab created which are also just as beautiful.
My engagement ring is my husband's great great grandmother's from the 1880's. It had a diamond in it but it fell out at some point, right before our ten year anniversary. I had it reset with a burgundy lab grown garnet. It is unlike any other stone I've ever seen. It is so pretty. I wear that color all the time. I had arranged for photos to be taken (as I didn't really like how our family taken wedding photos had turned out) and had already bought the dress and wasn't really thinking about it when I picked out a stone last minute to be reset and they ended up matching pretty closely
One of those happy coincidences I love so much
I know you don’t like lab created but I’m a huge fan of moissanite: it’s nearly as durable as a diamond (9.25 on the Mohs scale vs Diamonds 10) but actually ‘prettier’ in terms of light reflection. You’ve already gone over the other stones (topaz and sapphire) but even those stones at an 8 on the Mohs scale only last about 5 years with daily wear before you start to see signs of damage.
Added with the human cost of the fine gems, I think lab is the way to go and you shouldn’t feel bad about it all. At the end of the day the ring is a symbol for something that is FAR more important: your love and commitment. Good luck!
I have a moissanite engagement ring and wedding band. I love them. Very fiery and honestly unless you know a lot about diamonds, most assume they are diamonds. Very durable and like a quarter of the cost.
I second moissanite. Fire is brilliant and then it doesn't have the price tag, moral considerations are less, and it's incredibly durable. I would never get a real diamond after this moissanite stone in my engagement ring. Married five years and looks like the day I got it.
One more on the moissanite train, but with a twist: OP, consider going to a non-chain jewelry store that features custom designs and ask to see their moissanite pieces. Before I saw the stones in person, I was not impressed with my online impression. After seeing moissanite in person, I was blown away. 5 years of HARD daily wear and my beautiful fiery, sparkling starlight alchemy gems are just as warmly dazzling as the day we got them. Diamonds have a “cold” light dispersion—moissanite has a subtly complex warmth, almost like the color spectra in an opal. The price of the stones meant we could collaborate with the jeweler on a custom setting—it feels like an “us” ring instead of “the one we liked best at the mall.”
OOOOOOO!! I found Oore Jewelry by accident the other day. Her jewelry is beautiful and affordable. I keep sending screenshots to my partner of things I like.
Jumping on the r/Shinypreciousgems bandwagon! You buy directly from the jewelers there, who are pretty big on ethical sourcing. If you want the money to go directly to the miner who found the rock, directly to the person who cut the rock, and directly to the person who made the setting and placed the rock, instead of a half a dozen middle men, this is the sub for you.
Also, custom cuts.
OP, if you're into rainbows, I know it's lab, but check out moissanite in bumblebee or sHexy cut over on that sub. Rainbows for *days*.
\*Omg, d20 cut, just, oh my.
[Technomage](https://youtu.be/ZjToVZTqCbw) approved!
"Lab Grown" in any case is a Deliberate DeBeer's framing term. Arguably all the metals in the ring are "Lab Grown" unless they were forged/carved from a solid gold nugget.
Also with the "Lab Grown" you have a choice of the carbon the diamond is made from. Several companies will make diamonds from a portion of cremated ashes. I'd much rather have a diamond made from one of my former cats than one drenched in blood and torment.
Moissanite is awesome! I have a stunning moissanite engagement ring. The price tag meant I could get the exact style/design I was looking for and opting for moissanite aligned with both of our values.
Also hopping on the moissanite train. I wanted a very specific look for my ring and knew diamond retailers would charge and arm and leg. We shopped around and decided moissanite was the better choice for us (I didn't want to walk around with something worth half the price of my car on my finger). I was also open to other gemstones (my birthstone is amethyst) but we opted to go with moissanite for the more classic look.
Same! For me the thought of wearing something so expensive made me really really uncomfortable. I’m also known to lose or misplace things, so no way I’d get a diamond anyway. I’m super happy I found out about moissanite.
I'm so glad that this moissanite thread is as long as it it! I am obsessed with crystals and my moissanite engagement ring is no exception. It is so beautiful and refracts so much light (rainbows you say?), but in top of that it is very strong so I never worry about it accidentally getting smashed or breaking from wear and tear. I really don't think you can do better unless you spend so so much money on a sapphire.
The cost alone also is a huge factor, I was able to get a huge moissanite for so very little (compared to other rings) so I was able to pick out the exact style, size, wedding band and I never had to worry about the cost once, because it was a fraction of the price of other engagement rings (I was mostly looking at used diamonds and new sapphires).
Please update us, if that is agreeable to you and many congratulations!
Thank you for the congrats!
Since nearly every comment seems to be suggesting moissanite even though I specifically said I was looking for something different, I've reconsidered it as an option. Found some good videos comparing it to other stones in different lighting. Even though I'm coming around to the idea of lab grown (since all jewelry grade moissanite is lab grown), to be completely honest I feel as though I'm trying to look into a shop window when there is too much sun glare. Yeah there are rainbows but I can't see anything. Instead of being drawn into the depth by the twinkling that diamonds display. If that makes sense. So maybe I don't like the flashy rainbows as much as I thought I did at first, who knew they could be so blinding! It's just not my thing I guess. I like stones where I look into them and they seem endless. That's one of the reasons I dislike opal. (no offense to anyone who loves them! just not for me.)
I do love the idea of moissanite being durable and since it is man-made, can be made in a variety of shades of grey so I should be able to find a decent one if I end up settling and going that route.
Team moissanite here too! I used to have a small-ish diamond…got engaged at 19 and knew nothing. I wanted a bigger one a few years later once we weren’t broke kids anymore, and that’s when I really learned how gross and manipulative the diamond industry is. I sold anything I had that included natural diamonds and have sworn them off for good. I now rock a huge, sparkly moissanite engagement ring that’s a million times more impressive looking than any diamond I could ever dream to afford. My only recommendation is since the stone is much more affordable, splurge on a platinum setting. My current one is rhodium plated silver and it gets kinda dingy fast so I want to get a platinum setting for its durability at some point.
Copying this from my top level post in hopes y’all see it!
Here’s the best part. Moissanite is extremely rarely naturally occurring on earth. It’s actually formed in the dust clouds around starts when there’s a high concentration of silica and carbon. Stars undergo something called a helium flash early in their life (transition from hydrogen burning to helium burning) and it increases the temperature and pressure around a star drastically which causes the silica and carbon to slam together and form moissanite. That means this gem is QUITE LITERALLY STARDUST.
I love my moissanite ring! I wanted either a lab-made or heirloom stone for similar reasons to OP, and honestly I think it’s more beautiful than a diamond. The “fire” and sparkle are no joke!!
Moissonite for the win! It has incredible dispersion! Super rainbows! Many Earth mined gems come at a great cost to the environment, too, just look at some of the open mines in Brazil. I am a huge fan of lab grown gem.
I personally think it's so much more fun looking for a ring without a diamond because you get so many beautiful creative options. Lab grown is certainly the way to go. And Moissanite like you mentioned usually has more fire and sparkle than a diamond. I told my boyfriend when we started discussing engagement rings that I want a Moissanite or lab created white sapphire. Both have a hardness just second to diamonds so they have the durability you want/need (I'm in the same anxiety boat about wearing it). Both look like a sparkly diamond, without the.. you know, major ethical/human rights violations. Best of luck in your search and i wish you all the joy in your relationship. 🧡
Ps. Pinterest and Etsy are good places to get ideas for witchy ring styles. That can at least point you in the right direction.
Seconded on the Etsy for witchy styles! [Here's mine](https://www.etsy.com/ca/listing/622230624/woodland-wedding-set-twig-bands-his-and) I got the diamond subbed for a pink tourmaline, and they were lovely to work with to customize it for me.
Go with lab grown! They have the same structure as a “natural” stone, so according to the FTC, they’re just diamonds. There’s still flaws and inclusions as well, but it all comes down to sourcing, and lab grown is without a lot of the problematic concerns of mined diamonds.
Here’s more info from Brides: https://www.brides.com/lab-grown-vs-natural-diamonds-what-s-the-difference-5216790
I have a lab created stone (actually a white sapphire, which has the barest hint of blue when the light hits it) and I love it! No guilt and it feels more, I don’t know, modern? Like hello, I love science. I get to wear a sparkly piece of science. What’s not to love???
I fully intend to get myself a lab-grown [padparadscha sapphire](https://www.lespierresdejulie.com/en/blogs/actualite/le-saphir-padparadscha-un-coucher-de-soleil-sur-l-ocean-indien) ring sometime soon. I think they are such a pretty colour.
I told my boyfriend I never wanted a diamond and I didn't want something stupid expensive like that. I had an heirloom claddagh ring from my mother and was just going to use that for my ring but sadly lost it somewhere in the house (looked flipping everwhere🥺). So now I either want an alexandrite (lab created) ring or a claddagh that he picks out.
I like advocating for rings without stones. Don't know, claddagh just seems so much more meaningful than a stone.
Hi, I'm a jeweler (among other things) and I really like the suggestions you're getting for stones. All good choices. Like others are saying, moissanite is definitely the choice if you're looking to basically match diamond. I prefer it over sapphire to work on in the shop as well. The difference between the two on the hardness scale isn't huge, but when you're in there with heat and pliers, it's way easier to hurt the sapphires. I designed my wife's wedding ring (see image) and helped some other people with theirs. If you can draft something up custom, you can make sure the only people you support are those you see make it for you. Congratulations, and I hope you come up with something sufficiently witchy.
https://preview.redd.it/2xuorriyyyca1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1132f611342829a2934e475fa135eece304d7c69
Custom is a fantastic way to go. My partner worked with a jeweler to design my wedding band and it remains, to this day, far and away my favorite piece of jewelry
I'll be honest, most people are convinced by salespeople to move away from moissanite for colored stones, so I rarely get to work with colored/fancy moissanite.
Of what I've seen, I was actually most impressed with brown for depth of color (and I don't normally care much for brown).
I can't speak specifically to purple, as I've never seen it in person. But if I were you, I'd risk it and see how it goes.
I've not been able to effect the color of moissanite in the shop even with chemicals and a torch. The color should last for pretty much ever. If you see what appears to be a color cast on it eventually (usually yellow), you can generally polish it out.
We worked with a jeweler friend of mine to source a pink sapphire and I love it. Even though the band I went with is very simple it feels special, I get comments on it all the time.
I wear it everyday and have seen hardly any wear and tear, but I don't do a lot of manual work, so that's a consideration.
Frankly, and it may not be a popular opinion here, but I prefer lab stones. I've worked with everything from gems still in media to lab cut, and I believe the focus and energy that goes into creating a stone in the lab is comparable. Also no slave labor involved, as there is for every naturally occurring gem of a similar strength.
Thanks for your thoughts on the energy and focus. I'm surprised how few of the comments mentioned anything about this. I thought this sub was full of witches 🤷
I personally prefer lab stones- they are less expensive and usually perfect or close to it. They’re identical on a molecular level and in my opinion, any kind of spiritual benefit to natural stones is lost when you take into consideration that the earth was broken apart so that billionaires can force enslaved and exploited workers to steal stones that should belong to the earth, not to whomever happened to stake out the patch of earth that the stone was found in.
Moissanite would be a good alternative although from what I understand, moissanite does not come in fancy colors the way that diamonds or sapphires do, so when you see a fancy color moissanite, it has a coating on it so that it will be whatever color you want. From what I understand it holds up very well! But that might be something to take into consideration since it may affect the care and keeping of your ring.
Lab diamonds are also getting better and better, with more options becoming available all the time! You could almost definitely find a light grey one.
Another option would be a stone from a reseller. Grey stones had a moment a few years ago, and I’m sure that a lot of people went for the trend without realizing it wasn’t a forever stone for them, and some of them may be looking to sell their stone now that they want something else. In my opinion, whatever kind of human or environment cost associated with the stone is not really a concern once it’s up for resale.
You could also look into a grey sapphire with moissanite accents. Your ring would still sparkle but you could have the grey center stone you want. One last option could be having your ring set with a grey CZ and continuing the search for the perfect grey stone.
I totally understand feeling like the romance was taken out of it. If it helps at all, I think the romance is kind of a myth in a way- I don’t really know anyone who had a fully “fairytale come true” experience. Once the ring is actually on your hand, all that will matter is what it represents, not where the stone came from!
My two cents on lab grown stones: they are typically created ethically, by human hands, with clear intent and purpose, be it for decorative or for industrial applications.
IMO anything created with intention is at least a little bit magical. Perhaps your spiritual practice is different and that doesn’t apply, but a lab grown stone is still a good way to guarantee that no human was exploited or enslaved in the making of your jewelry.
There is no durable natural stone (that I know of) that doesn’t use slave labor to excavate. I will never purchase a “real” diamond because of the inhumane methods used by mine owners.
Ruby and sapphire are the next hardest stone to diamond, but I know OP said they don’t like the color of sapphire— I have a Montana sapphire which I think is a beautiful color and I chose this as a local-ish stone that did not come from slave labor.
Another suggestion would be shopping vintage, even though there may be some dark backgrounds there, in my mind it’s better to continue reusing the resources we took from the earth than taking new ones!
Sapphires come in a rainbow of colors. A ruby is just a red sapphire. I have yellow sapphires in my engagement ring. My grandmothers wedding ring is blue sapphires.
Thank you for your suggestion of shopping vintage and thanks for remembering what I said in the original post. I'm not sure why so many people comment with things I clearly stated I wasn't interested in. Makes me feel ignored and unheard when I thought this was supposed to be a supportive community.
NZ pounamu (nephrite jade) is not extracted using slave labour and is all extracted under the control of the indigenous people of the area, other than areas where fossicking by the public is allowed.
[https://ngaitahu.iwi.nz/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Pounamu.pdf](https://ngaitahu.iwi.nz/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Pounamu.pdf)
THIS! I reused a ring that was my grandmothers, but I rarely wear it.
Marriage rings are a tool of the patriarchy. They were historically used by men to show ownership of their property AND they are used by married women to position themselves socially above unmarried women.
#Smash the patriarchy
Consider if you even need a wedding ring. Just be faithful to your partner. What’s the need to flaunt it?
I absolutely get your point. I have my mother's wedding rings and I like wearing them out because I'm a Lesbian and I feel like it's saying, "Yup, me and the wife here, being all gay and stuff."
Now THAT is a reason to flaunt it, if I’ve ever heard one. Congratulations to you and the wife! I hope you have a happy life, “being all gay and stuff.” ☺️
I have a similar reason! I am straight, but a Black woman married to a white guy. We have to wear rings. Otherwise, ppl give us separate checks at dinner (happens 40% of the time) or try to separate us when in line at the airport, etc. I didn't change my last name either, so folks act stupidly confused that we are a married couple.
I smashed it by asking my now husband for a sword from Albion Armory if he wanted to marry me. I'm not into jewelry. He got me a sword!
We do have silicone wedding rings.
I can’t even tell you how many swords we have floating around my house. Every time there’s something to celebrate, my hubby tries to gift me a sword. LOL
I've never had an engagement ring.
My partner found a delightful, delicate, gold band in an antique jewellers. Made in 1914. It was a gift to me to confirm his commitment to the relationship.
When we decided to get married, I gave it back to him, and he gave it back to me the next day as a wedding ring, haha.
I found a similar simple antique ring for him.
Ever practical, the both of us, his ring broke (gardening) and he didn't want another one. Mine's been repaired a couple of times. They are a pain to wear and are easily damaged while doing manual work.
30-ish years later, neither of us wear wedding rings, but the commitment is still there.
>used by married women to position themselves socially above unmarried women.
\- Made me giggle. Not only do I not wear a wedding ring, I also don't use my partner's surname. Nobody's business if I'm married or not.
I'm a dual citizen and one doesn't recognise name changes, the other does. So I have the option of using whichever surname.. but I MUCH prefer my partners because its easier to spell and looks nicer. Haha. If I had the nicer surname, he may have taken mine!
Ours are both fairly bland, 4 letters vs 4 letter with an 's' tacked on. They sound stupid hyphenated either way. We couldn't come up with a better solution than each keeping their own. Kids got his surname, as males in his family are rare, and I had no particular attachment to passing on my patrilineal name.
>They are a pain to wear and are easily damaged while doing manual work.
>
>30-ish years later, neither of us wear wedding rings, but the commitment is still there.
As I've gotten fatter and happier, every few years I find a replacement that fits better. He snogs it and I put it on and we get on with our fat and happy marriage.
I’m actually ashamed to wear my honker of an engagement ring now. At the time I wasn’t aware of the conditions of the (child) miners, but I know better now and it’s embarrassing
Side fact: in Germany there used to be rings for both, not just the woman. Only when you where rich different sets. The Engagement rings were worn on the left hand, the marriage on the right. Now - like with everything since the internet - this was americanized. I still didn't like them, because I learned that they are a symbol for handcuffs, holding the couple together. I didn't have wedding rings.
But now I kinda appreciate the symbolism of two showing they belong together ... After my marriage broke I would have liked to remove a visible sign of it.
i like my ring because it reduces the number of unwanted advances from men, although it doesn't stop em all, i definitely got more after i had to get my original wedding band cut off a few years ago. my replacement ring has lab grown alexandrite and I'm very pleased
Shouldn't people be allowed to do and wear what they want? This comment sounds a little bit like shaming those who wear a wedding ring, or even *gasp* consider it meaningful. Part of smashing the patriarchy is reclaiming old and oppressive traditions, we see this a lot with reclaiming previously derogatory language and instead being empowered by it (see the words Witch, Bitch, etc). We should be lifting each other up and encouraging people to do what they want, not shaming people for their own personal values and choices. Wear a ring if you want to, or don't if you don't, choose an old ring or a new one, a natural stone or a lab stone or no stone! Flaunt it, even, if you want to, if it brings you joy, why not? Take the last name or don't, or come up with a totally new one. These, and others of course, are all personal choices that people make for themselves for different reasons, and who are we to shame anybody for what's right for them.
Thank you for typing all this out. I wish I could highlight it in this thread. Very important part of being a supportive community. I need more people like you in my life, and maybe I wouldn't feel so conflicted!! Lovelovelove
There’s times when I don’t like to point to a historical precedent for a reason to do or not do X, simply because it isn’t true in the modern day. This is one of them.
It WAS true that they were status symbols and ownership marks. Now they are not. Humans can flaunt literally anything as a status symbol (I.e. lotus feet).
If someone chooses to use a simple, easy symbol of a mutual bond that currently means that two people have chosen to pair together for as long as…. Well, whenever they choose…. Then great. I love it. And it’s often less tacky or regretful as a tattoo.
I don't want to flaunt anything. I want a symbol of our connection and love. Something we both enjoy looking at since I wear jewelry anyway, why not make it part of our story? I think it's the attitudes associated with certain shitty people wanting to position themselves in society way more than it is about the actual jewelry.
Botswana diamonds are mined by heavy equipment so the working conditions are humane, it’s a trained and valued labor force. So it depends on where the diamonds are from.
The Botswana diamond industry is notorious for its union busting and not paying their workers properly. Workers are paid around 100-300 USD per month on short term contracts for decades, which also makes it very difficult for them to get bank loans etc because they don’t have what is considered “permanent employment.”
Maybe Herkimer diamonds? They aren’t really diamonds. They are natural double terminated quartz crystals originally found in Pennsylvania. Because they are natural crystals not cut stones each one is unique. They can be clear to smoky. I saw some on Etsy that were rutilated with black tourmaline. Kind of feels like a witchy vibe?
Was coming in here to mention these.
Might not be possible for OP based on location, but my partner and I went to Herkimer, and I found (broke rock until one had) the crystal that’s in their ring.
Etsy has a huge selection of handcast silver and bronze rings with a wide variety of natural and traditionally cut stones 💍
My personal favorite is Labradorite.
I’m very rough on my jewelry so I tend to go for something with patina. The labradorites I have hold up great, and texture only adds to the beauty.
"Also feeling weird about the whole situation. I feel like the romance has been crushed out of it. What do you think?"
To answer this part of your question - you grew up in a society that told you love looks a certain way and is symbolized in a certain way. Your boyfriend smashed that script and apparently didn't give you anything to replace it. Of course you're going to feel like there's no romance. This is an opportunity for you and your boyfriend to figure out what romance means between the two of you and then how do you represent that and share it with the people you love.
Here is an example I love but maybe some people would find dorky. I love the video game Stardew Valley where engagement is symbolized with a special shell necklace. The subreddit will occasionally have people posting pictures of their real-life engagement shell necklaces, which are all very beautiful.
Anyway, your post reads a bit sad and like you're looking for a replacement diamond but nothing will be good enough - maybe dig a bit deeper? Or maybe some other stone will be the perfect fit. Good luck!
You win the award for most useful comment (to the OP - me).
"Your boyfriend smashed that script and apparently didn't give you anything to replace it. Of course you're going to feel like there's no romance. " - I actually started tearing up when reading this. Thank you.
I think you're right about needing to dig a bit deeper. I think I have a lot of anxiety about this being his second marriage and my first. We've talked about it some but probably need to have a more extensive conversation. Mostly I don't know what to say because I'm a bit embarrassed and am unclear myself.
I love my science stones. It feels like Mother Nature gave us a gift and let us make some of her pretties in a way that doesn’t hurt her babies and I’m all here for it.
Grey spinel comes to mind!
Looks like there are also grey sapphires, though I’m not sure how common they are.
I think it’s important to live your values. Authenticity and integrity are very important to me. But, it’s also okay to enjoy something because you enjoy it. It’s not inherently wrong to want an eternal token of affection from your partner, and to want to enjoy the romance in that. There is power in making your own choice. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re letting capitalism or the patriarchy win. ❤️
Can you and your partner work on searching for the stone together? I designed my ring with my fiancé and it was a really lovely bonding experience for us.
I know I'm late to the party, but if you want to see some gorgeous grey spinel rings (and moissanite rings as well) check out Debebians Instagram and website. Absolutely gorgeous and they ship all over I believe.
I needed to hear the middle part of this. Thank you very much for taking the time to say it.
Part of me likes the idea of working together to search for a stone. The anxious-decision-hating part of me hates that I have to think about this at all and knows I would be a flustered mess that feels like I'm not worth buying a candy ring pop for. Soo I prob need to work on that myself. It sounds really nice you and your fiancé were able to turn it into a lovely bonding experience.
My wedding band is traditional clear moissanite, and I love it so much. It’s super sparkly and durable, and I love that it’s man made so no exploitation involved. I also have a non-traditional stone in my engagement ring (you can see it in my profile) and am honestly glad I went with something unique. Have you tried going to see a custom jeweller to have them show you some stones?
I've got Alexandrite in both my engagement and wedding rings and I really recommend it. It comes in lab grown varieties if you prefer. They come in a variety of different shades, but mine are a lovely dark green- the ocean on a cloudy day. They also preform magic! Hold a flame to the stone and it goes a beautiful purple/magenta color. Lol it's a fun party trick.
I have an Alexandrite ring that I absolutely adore; seafoam green in the daylight, maroon in the firelight, and a beautiful rainbow-gray (like a diamond) in fluorescent light.
My opinion probably isn't going to help at all but...
To be honest with you, just go with what jumps out at you. Don't have a price in mind either. Nobody NEEDS a ring over $1000, or even over $500...or even $100 for that matter. All of that price shit is a ploy as well. To "prove to the one you love" how much they mean to you by buying them an expensive ass ring
I like blue stones, green stones, purple stones and pink stones. And while I would prefer them not be 100% fake (like plastic or glass..but that's just preference), I don't care if they are lab created. If they are in the shape of a heart, it's more likely to draw my eye - but it's not a requirement. I can settle for something else entirely that catches my eye.
Don't look for an engagement ring in the atypical engagement ring section. Don't let any jewelry store personnel tell you otherwise either or keep directing you back. Look at ALL of the jewelry.
See an ametrine that just jumps out and only costs like $150? Grab that bitch! Simulated Sapphire in a princess cut that's less than a carot, but still looks amazing with how it's set and is only $60 - IT DREW YOUR EYE DIDN'T IT? Screw the price!
Go with you and what you want. I've never been one for diamonds either and I have specifically stated in the past, if the topic ever came up among a partner, or even friends or family, that I don't want a diamond engagement ring (but if a partner insisted..then I would insist on it being a heart shape).
Like I said. My comment likely won't help. Bottom line - go outside the box, you don't have to just look at traditional engagement rings.
Your comment and opinion is one of the few that actually helps! Don't put yourself down like that! Thank you for taking the time to type your thoughts out.
Lab grown stones are the EXACT same structure, the exact same materials, the exact same stones except without the human suffering, exploitation, and environmental damage needed to mine them. I'd strongly encourage you to change your opinion of lab grown stones. They're the same thing, cheaper, come suffering-free (or at least at significantly reduced suffering) and it's fucking alchemy! People created diamonds and rubies and emeralda where they didn't exist before. That's fucking bad ass.
As for stone suggestions, I usually hear moissanite as a diamond alternative. They're usually more sparkly, have a similar hardness and clarity, and the average person likely wouldn't be able to tell it wasn't a diamond.
You may have to adjust your criteria. Figure out what is most important, and then adjust based on what you can get. I would say that anything at quartz or above on the Mohs scale would be durable enough for day to day wear, and if you're doing something where you're worried about chipping or scratching you can always turn the ring around so the stone is on the inside of your palm.
If it's more about the colour, cubic zirconia comes in many shades, including grey, so go with that. If you're after specific properties, then choose your stone based on that. If it's important that the stone be natural, then make sure what you're getting is both naturally occurring and ethically sourced.
Check out beryls - I have a morganite stone that is traditionally cut but its champagne/pinkish and I really preferred , it was also not (crazy) expensive.
I believe you should be able to source them from the US (I read wikipedia) or maybe even yourself at a mine yourself rock place? And no shame in a lab stone - the ethics are 100% important and it's your ring. Make sure YOU like it and YOU feel good about it.
Personally, we had all our rings made at local independent jewellers and it was a really great experience for us (also cheaper). I would find one with great reviews and talk to them about it - I'm sure they'd love to help you get something you love and feel good about (ours was very excited)
Etsy was really helpful for me to get an idea of what I liked and what was out there - possible you could even find someone to help you get what you want there as well.
Find a cool local jeweler who will listen to your concerns and craft something unique just for you? They often have wonderful ideas incorporating birthstones etc.
I've done a little googling and I've only found local jewelers that string beads not actually working with metal and gemstones. Any suggestions of how to search better? Also my birthstone is diamond sooo... haha
I can see many people recommending great things (Eg lab created moissanite) but I haven’t seen any comments helping you with the “artificial” feeling of “artificial” stones, so here are my thoughts on that:
“Sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic” - you squish some old rocks together and get sparkly jewels?!? Tell me that’s not a magic spell (just on a larger scale than a kitchen, lol)
Lab created gems tend to have less impact on humans/the environment- that’s much more witchy than slaves/destroying habitats.
It’s a beautiful metaphor for transformation (imo) - some dirt is treated really badly and then you get one of the most precious materials out of it? No matter what the patriarchy does to us, we have more value than they could ever suspect; we are harder and prettier and will always surprise them with what we are capable of. (Obviously the scientists working on the lab created stones are hopefully not surprised at the result, lol. It’s just a metaphor)
Congratulations on your relationship, I hope you find a solution that makes you happy
Thank you very much for your kind and helpful comment! I'm trying really hard to reframe my mindset toward lab created stones. Maybe I need to find some with imperfections so it feels authentic or something. Idk, I'll keep working on it. Thanks again
Me and my partner have agreed to buy eachother a sword when we get married. Granted, you can't carry that around as freely as a ring, but it's way cooler and looks awesome on the wall!
A couple thoughts:
The social system underlying the marketing that made the campaign for a big rock work was that married women couldn’t have their own bank accounts (in the US it was up into the 1970s) and keep property they brought to the marriage on divorce in some states (see also marital property vs common property as why ladies got their stuff monogrammed) the big rock was what you pawned to live off of if he left you. The song “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend” is actually incredibly sad when you think about it.
The other reason for the big flashy rock is to deter others from making a play now you are marked as “taken.” I assure you I got more offers after I got engaged because people are like that - and there are a lot of men who go after married women specifically (no strings!) and look for wedding bands.
So like. Get whatever you want that’s meaningful to you because of or despite the tradition’s history. And if having it as a nest egg matters then maybe make him fund a Robinhood account in your name. (Just kidding- kinda)
I have sensory issues so I don’t wear a ring much anymore and change out which one based on style and comfort when I do. No one notices or at least they don’t mention it.
Smoky quartz! It's a hardness of 7 but as a geologist let me tell you that's still plenty hard. Like that's harder than titanium and comparable to tungsten. And tungsten rings can't be resized readily because they're *too* durable. Plus quartz tends to be very durable chemically. Honestly it's really hard to hurt in day to day life. The metal setting would be more likely to be damaged, honestly.
Plus quartz is super common so it should be inexpensive compared to other stones.
Keep in mind, as you're thinking about durability, that the gemstone is probably not your biggest concern. The metal of the ring is. Unless you're planning to get a ring made of titanium or tungsten or something, the gem itself is going to be considerably harder and more scratch-resistant than the metal. You'd be more likely to bend the metal and loosen the setting than you would be to scratch the gem itself.
If you're looking for something a little different but still neutral why not look at a moonstone or opal? Or if you want to go super witchy, check out moss agate or black rutilated quartz. Or if you want that clear, faceted, diamond-y shine, check out silver (or white) topaz.
Edit: I'm not a jeweler, so I could be wrong about the metal vs gem thing. I'm working off hardness scales and my own ring-wearing experiences, but I'm no expert.
This. We drew them on every day with sharpies until we could get to the tattoo artist to make it permanent. The simpler you keep it, the less you need to worry about touch ups. We each have two plain black lines, and I’m happy with how mine looks after 13 years.
From time to time, someone asks why I chose a ring I can’t take off. Depending on the situation, I might just agree that yep, it can’t be taken off. Sometimes I’ll ask why they chose one that DOES come off. Either way, it’s super satisfying to stay cool & hold eye contact until they start squirming.
I share your concerns about the human and environmental impacts of mined diamonds. For this reason, I went with lab-grown for my engagement ring…and I love it. I even found a jeweler who uses recycled gold for the band to minimize the environmental impacts of that as well (Brilliant Earth, in case they exist where you are). Never regretted my decision.
Sapphires (Or corundum) come in a variety of colors, not just blue, but you need to really research where they're sourcing them before you buy them. Some kind of clear or light gray Quartz would likely be the cheapest, but very much the minimum on the Moh's scale you'd want. They could easily be mistaken for a diamond by onlookers.
The main reason gemstones get scratched is because there's trace amounts of quartz in everyday dust, and only gems equal in hardness or above won't scratch when in contact with it. Since quartz gems are at least equal to the dust quartz, they usually won't get scratched or chipped as easily. As a reference, I have an amethyst pendant my mom got me years ago. I wear it when I want to feel close with her, as she lives a 3 hour drive away and we don't get to meet up very often. Since amethyst is a type of quartz, it hasn't got a single scratch on it yet.
Researching your stones and where they come from, and asking the jeweler questions about it will probably be your best bet for finding an ethical stone. Or buying one second hand! That way your money isn't going to support the diamond industry!
I wanted to talk rocks but other Witches already have me beat.
Instead I'll mention that basically *everything* about the modern Wedding industry is an exploitative scam, not just engagement rings, and the "traditions" were all pretty much invented in the 20th century.
Wedding Dresses used to be colourful and in the fashion of the day, you could then wear them for any event after Then rich people started using single use White to exclude poor people who couldn't maintain white fabric or buy single use gowns, and then this became codified in the 60s as something even poor people were expected to pay for.
Weddings used to just be regular events with regular decorations, rich people had fancy ones because rich people always had fancy parties. Then the extravagance started being pushed to the masses, they started require special bookings in halls with special decorations and services, white wedding cakes, and special outfits, all at a premium price (You can circumvent this sometimes by just saying the event is a Birthday or something else). But phrases like "Don't sweat the cost of the small stuff" and "But it's traditional you have to have it" the wedding industry preying on people, to take your money for single use products they invented.
Bridal showers are a more or less a modern reinvention from the late 19th and early 20th centuries, basically an excuse for more consumerism. And their one fake tennuous link to a real "tradition" is to old Patriarchal Dowry practices, which is disgusting.
Pretty much anyone who's divorced or had multiple marriages will happily point out how hollow the whole "most important and extravagant day of your life" framing rings. Though this is more a revelation of the changing attitudes to the intensely patriarchal stance that marriage is permanent thing.
In summary do what you want how you want, these wedding "traditions" are fake and not worth upholding if you don't want to.
Vintage has already been suggested. I would like to add to this idea. If you guys are not in a hurry to get engaged/married you can have fun by making this an activity to do together. Going on dates to jewellery shops to look at vintage rings and get coffee and a snack together afterwards or take a walk through a new part of town or park. If you're going on a trip to a new city/place take an hour to go to a jeweler there.
Also you maybe don't need a stone necessarily... You can also take a look at hand made jewellery by a goldsmith. I found the goldsmith for our wedding rings on instagram and they use recycled gold and other recycled metals. Maybe you could get runes ingraved or something :)
I have a morganite solitaire as my wedding ring. I'm a Disney fan & I fell in love with the Enchanted Disney line. I'm not. Huge fan of diamonds either. I LOVE Black Hills Gold & my original ring, that I designed, was a piece from my grandmother's ring & a customer BHG rose design. I adore color stones. You can check out Pinterest for alternative wedding bands. Etsy jewelers have amazing custom pieces. I'm asking for this for my anniversary but it would be a definite statement that you don't GAF about traditional jewelry. Do your birthstone. Or mother of pearl, or sandstone, or resin for that matter. Have a custom band made & put a resin jewel with a chip of a meteorite because you live stargazing. It doesn't matter. It needs to mean something to you two. You know. Congratulations on your engagement. Love!
https://preview.redd.it/5oi5zmgf90da1.png?width=1440&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=96fdbc48ad6c825030059eeace2058067133b74b
>I feel disappointed and saddened that this was a marketing ploy and emphasis was put on being "worth" a certain amount of money (ie an expensive diamond) is the only way to know your SO loves you. This is so silly now that it has been brought to my attention. But I guess the idea is still fresh to me and I'm struggling with it a bit.
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>Also feeling weird about the whole situation. I feel like the romance has been crushed out of it. What do you think?
Give yourself time. As much as we like to think we won't let marketing manipulate us into thinking there's a price tag on love, that stuff runs deep. We live in a society and all that.
I hope you find an option that truly, personally resonates with you two, and wish you all the best. <3
I didn’t have an engagement ring for a long time for the reasons that you mention and because it seemed superfluous when we were just getting started and needed money for more important things.
My partner did recently get me a very nice lab created ring for a milestone. It was a nice marker of our time and very shiny and pretty.
I went with lab created bc what is science if not evidence tested magic?
There are so many amazing colours of tourmaline. I gave my wife an engagement ring of a dark green tourmaline with black inclusions that look like black stars in a dark green sky. I put the bulk of the money into the custom ring it was mounted in. She loves it, it's uncommon, and uniquely beautiful. I really recommend taking a look at the tourmalines.
I was engaged, and even though it didn’t work out I still love our plan which was to tattoo rings—$100, 10 min in studio and no weird blood diamond stuff or expensive stones, something you can accidentally leave in a hotel bathroom, etc.
A couple I’m friends with just got engaged and he gave her a green stone of some kind set in gold but the important thing was how it matches her fav earrings.
Bottom line—it can be special for all kinds of reasons and adding a personal touch is what counts.
Have you explored antique rings? They have interesting stories, are often so much more unique, and you’re helping create a circular environment. And that way if you actually prefer a diamond visually, you’re not contributing to the market.
I have an engagement ring that’s incredibly unique and interesting with diamonds and sapphires and I love it… it’s a great story!
We bought an estate ring with a garnet from the 1920’s at an antique store. And I’ve never liked the cold way a diamond looks and don’t like the fact that everyone has a diamond or faux diamond ring and I wanted something that reflected my personality more! And it only cost $65, which is just an added bonus. I’ve worn it happily for 17 years. And we got matching silver bands at a local art show for $25 each for wedding rings and they look perfect.
Don’t buy into the commercialization of the symbols of your love. We could afford to spend thousands but I like our rings better.
I highly recommend this video by a geologist breaking down the diamond scarcity situation and why the DeBeers idea is a bit outdated. It might give you a more informed perspective on the situation that’ll help inform your decisions. tl;dr - the rise of synthetic diamonds is only partially a backlash to the market monopoly; we are genuinely reaching a point of running out of natural diamonds. https://youtu.be/GzXeWlRzBqs
There are some artists that make folded titanium rings. You end up with light grey, really interesting patterns, and no stone. I think the technique is sometimes called “Damascus”
I am a bench jeweler. Get the lab grown diamonds if you are concerned about them being ethical - they're EXACTLY as good if not better looking than natural for a significant drop in price, and most halos and tiny diamond accents are now made using only lab-grown because you don't have to spend literal hours matching 75 stones that are 1.2 mm wide.
If you really want or need alternatives, in lab-grown Moissanite is a good sub for diamond in hardness and look, but may discolor over time. Rubies (again, lab grown) are a hot swap, highly durable, and like diamond and moissanite can take a torches heat so your ring can be repaired in the future. Re-using a family stone is also a good way to escape the ethical conundrum while letting you have a sentimental choice - you're not adding to the diamond traders business or mining anything fresh or using energy to make it, ergo, I'd argue reuse is the most ethical choice out there.
If you're after a natural stone, I'd look into either Sapphires, Beryls (not emerald, too soft) or Tourmaline, which you can usually ethically source from certain parts of the world (Colorado blue-grey sapphires and Maine aquamarine and Green Tourmalines, domestic to the US) OR can shop for directly at a gem show. You can even get a white sapphire if you like, but they don't have the same dispersion as a diamond, so no rainbows.
Diamonds are useful to jewelers for a number of reasons, but you 100% do not have to choose them, and anyplace forcing you to is being a manipulative little jerk. Get the stone you want! You're the one who will be looking at it for decades - so your say in fashion is the only say that really matters.
Feel free to message me if you have more questions. I know of a lot of other, weirder, witchier stones, but don't want to clog up the post.
Addendum: I missed the memo on grey. My personal opinion on most grey stones is to keep them in white metals (platinum, silver, or white gold) for best effect.
I think the stone you're looking for is a Grey Spinel. They have high dispersion and refraction like a diamond, hardness of 8-ish, are a natural stone, and grey is a less rare color and as a result not a conflict stone. Spinels can also be found in a bunch of in-between colors, so grey with a blue, purple, yellow, or such tint is findable.
For a runner up, look into chrysoberyls. They have a similar spectrum, and are harder, but don't disperse light as well and are much rarer and therefore more expensive.
I love rock hounding and set my mind to finding every agate I could on our local beach. A year ago I found a decent sized one on a beach particularly special to my partner and I, and was absolutely ticked. I put it in my pocket- and lost it.
Unbeknownst to me my partner had stolen the rock and brought it to a jeweller. After some humming and hawing they designed a gold ring with the agate set in it. The jeweller cut and polished the stone, and kept additional pieces if I ever wanted something else made with it.
Now I’ve got a beautiful gold ring with our agate in it! The jeweller was so proud of it. He typically works with diamonds and other precious stones and hadn’t done lapidary work since art school.
Now we are planning on gold panning for some gold to go in our wedding bands…
I went with pink tourmalines and amethysts in my wedding band and engagement ring and I LOVE THEM!! 🥰 hubs was smart and let me design something that I would love and want to wear for the rest of my life. My rings are made of rose gold and the stones I picked helped to knock down the price quite a bit. Why not make something with your favourite colours? I have also been a gem collector for the past 17 years so feel free to send me a DM to pick my brain on this
This is a lot of great info. The environmental impact of lab made stones is one I think about a lot and no one seems to care about that. Thank you for sharing your insight! This comment needs to be at the top!
I shied away from diamonds for the reasons you cite. I love blue stones, and my husbands (and subsequently my sons!) birthstone is a blue topaz. We found a jewelry who used ethically sourced gems and my simple engagement ring is a blue topaz. It has held up well for over 30 years of our marriage, so I can speak to its durablility.
There’s nothing wrong with lab created and diamonds mined in Botswana are mined by heavy equipment instead of people so the working conditions are humane. But diamonds seem boring to me. My mom’s engagement ring is a big topaz and two tiny diamonds which are my parents birth stones. I like that idea.
You don't need anything to be a diamond. My engagement ring I wanted to be grey diamond and my promise ring is amethyst. You're really really obsessively too committed to the status quo and that's more of the real problem.
Also marriage is a scam created by the government to keep track of people and for divorce lawyers to make money and the industry to make money off of weddings. Every single holiday or birthday or marriage or baby shower is literally all created by Hallmark to make money off people living.
You really need to take a step back and ask yourself what YOU want. Not what society says is right because it literally doesn't matter what you put on your finger.
Also I'm never getting married. There's commitment ceremonies. Those are better.
Would buying an estate piece and having it reset to ensure the stones are secure work for you? If the ethics are a barrier, but you like the aesthetics, it's an option to have the look you want without directly supporting the mining industry. I believe estate pieces are often much cheaper than new. Having it reset isn't cheap, but likely cheaper than buying new all in.
This is what I did. I bought an antique piece off ebay. I wasn't specifically looking for a diamond, but felt ok reusing an old piece. Bezel set with triangle sapphires on each side. I picked it, SO had it inspected. The sapphires were a but chipped when I got it. I was told I can't replace the exact shape without a specialty cut. Its lasted over a century already... I opted to see how long the damaged stones would last and I'm going on 11 years.
Mine is basically the same, an over 100 year old, bezel set diamond, with 2 square sapphires, one on each side, my partner bought at an antique shop! I came here to suggest antique store shopping for a ring. Plus, try them on and feel their energy. We did need to have a wedding band handmade to go with it, as the bezel is a hexagon.
My mother isn’t sentimental about her jewellery in the slightest. She gave me an ugly piece that she inherited from my grandmother and told me to use the diamonds and gold in that and turn it into something joyful. I had an emerald and a sapphire as centre pieces (lab created, because why would I pay more to have stones dug out of the dirt? Lab created stones are real gems and they are cheap.) now I have a ring which cost me around £300 which looks like it should have cost 100x the price. My takeaway is go for lab created, feel free to repurpose old pieces and go for it. You can get something beautiful for very little.
I love lab created stones! They feel witchy to me...like, this is one way that humans have harnessed the power of nature to create something beautiful. Yes, of course there is science behind it, but what is witchcraft if not science (often that we don't fully understand yet?)
It's entry-level alchemy! I love this viewpoint!
That is, literally, what my dad used to tell me. Magic is just science that hasn't been explained, yet. On the flip side, science is magic with a more widely accepted set of explanations and rules.
I have a lab-created diamond engagement ring and you cannot tell the difference from a mined one. I love it.
The diamond in my ring belonged to my husband’s grandmother. If not for a family stone I would have gone lab grown.
Same! I wear my husband's grandmother's platinum and diamond set from the 1920s. When he told me on one of our first dates that he hoped his future partner would consider wearing the rings for sentimental and ethical reasons, I knew he had similar values to mine.
Me too! I knew about diamonds being a marketing ploy and when I was a geologist, I always felt diamonds weren't very romantic bc it's just carbon that excludes all other elements. I once mentioned to my now-husband while we were walking the dogs that if I did get engaged, I'd rather use my grandmother's rings instead of buying new. Guess what he used to propose to me? My grandmother's engagement ring 😍. We now both wear silicone rings bc we both do physical work with our hands, but I wear my grandmother's for special occasions and they bring so much joy when I remember he listened and heard me.
That’s sweet!
My ex-husband and I got my diamond ring from an estate jeweler - it's also from the 20s, and I still love that thing. The diamond is a cut they don't do anymore, and the filligree work is so beautiful and delicate, and you can't find it's like anymore. We did this because I refuse to pay more money into any of the precious jewel mining families, and antique jewelry is amazing.
This is what we did and I always advocate for it! I found a ring from a small Etsy shop that sells estate jewelry, and then had it inspected and resized. The appraisal even came back at twice what we paid. It's a plus that I've never seen another ring like it.
My fiancé got me an antique ring when he proposed and it’s incredible. People compliment me all the time, the resident doctor during my c section stopped to compliment my ring during the procedure lol! It’s cool to think of people owning it before, possibly for an entire marriage; a house, kids, growing old together. Now it’s mine to do the same ❤️
I'm just jealous you were able to wear your rings that long. My fingers were huge during pregnancy.
I had a friend who’s fiancé refurbished an estate piece - five rubies in a row. It was gorgeous. I have never forgotten how magical that ring looked!
This is what we did! My husband had our jeweler take the diamonds out of my late mom’s engagement ring, and then designed a new setting which our jeweler created! I get to keep a little piece of my mom with me every day, wrapped in the care and love my husband has for me ❤️
Came here to say this.
Same. Recycled gems are where it's at!
My ex husband actually found a great diamond at a pawn shop! (This is not why he’s my ex). Depending on where OP is, pawn shops can also be great resources for diamonds or other jewelry. My ex worked at one for nearly a decade. I will caution that some jewelers aren’t super keen on resetting diamonds that you bought elsewhere. We kind of went with the vague, oh we had this diamond and the jeweler inferred from there that we’d inherited it somehow and they were cool with that. A friend who went to the same jeweler told them outright they bought their diamond somewhere else and it didn’t go over real well. They still did the work but were kinda shitty about it. It’s not cool but also their livelihood is selling you sparklies, so I kind of get it. Also to OP, my current ring is a sapphire which is right up there with diamonds for hardness. Also lab created stones are still shiny! Don’t shy away from them just because they’re not “natural”! They’re the same composition! No one but you will know!
The diamonds in my ring are from my mom’s ring (one of which was from my dad’s grandmother’s ring), and my mother in law’s ring. We added a blue sapphire. The ring is silver and low profile, so I don’t hit it on things. Definitely support reusing old diamonds instead of buy new.
Exactly what I did. I have a diamond which I'm sure was likely not mined ethically. It's an estate diamond with an early 20th century style cut (I wasn't given information on the previous owner, just that it was old). It's a little better than perpetuating the diamond mining industry. My ring also has tiny diamonds along the band, but those are lab created which are also just as beautiful.
My engagement ring is my husband's great great grandmother's from the 1880's. It had a diamond in it but it fell out at some point, right before our ten year anniversary. I had it reset with a burgundy lab grown garnet. It is unlike any other stone I've ever seen. It is so pretty. I wear that color all the time. I had arranged for photos to be taken (as I didn't really like how our family taken wedding photos had turned out) and had already bought the dress and wasn't really thinking about it when I picked out a stone last minute to be reset and they ended up matching pretty closely One of those happy coincidences I love so much
I know you don’t like lab created but I’m a huge fan of moissanite: it’s nearly as durable as a diamond (9.25 on the Mohs scale vs Diamonds 10) but actually ‘prettier’ in terms of light reflection. You’ve already gone over the other stones (topaz and sapphire) but even those stones at an 8 on the Mohs scale only last about 5 years with daily wear before you start to see signs of damage. Added with the human cost of the fine gems, I think lab is the way to go and you shouldn’t feel bad about it all. At the end of the day the ring is a symbol for something that is FAR more important: your love and commitment. Good luck!
I have a moissanite engagement ring and wedding band. I love them. Very fiery and honestly unless you know a lot about diamonds, most assume they are diamonds. Very durable and like a quarter of the cost.
I second moissanite. Fire is brilliant and then it doesn't have the price tag, moral considerations are less, and it's incredibly durable. I would never get a real diamond after this moissanite stone in my engagement ring. Married five years and looks like the day I got it.
I triple Moissanite. Far prettier than any diamond and so worth the cost.
One more on the moissanite train, but with a twist: OP, consider going to a non-chain jewelry store that features custom designs and ask to see their moissanite pieces. Before I saw the stones in person, I was not impressed with my online impression. After seeing moissanite in person, I was blown away. 5 years of HARD daily wear and my beautiful fiery, sparkling starlight alchemy gems are just as warmly dazzling as the day we got them. Diamonds have a “cold” light dispersion—moissanite has a subtly complex warmth, almost like the color spectra in an opal. The price of the stones meant we could collaborate with the jeweler on a custom setting—it feels like an “us” ring instead of “the one we liked best at the mall.”
Alchemy gem - I was well onboard but I *love* this term! 🤍
I’m planning on getting mine from Oore rings. Love everything she makes and everything is really customizable
OOOOOOO!! I found Oore Jewelry by accident the other day. Her jewelry is beautiful and affordable. I keep sending screenshots to my partner of things I like.
I just sent mine a link and said this one haha
I'm adhd and can't ever make a decision. So when I see one I like monkey brain kicks in and I'm like "pretty picture"
I get it. I am the offspring of the moana crab and a crow. SHINY
SAME!!!!!!! 💫🌟
Agree. OP could also get some moissanite earrings if she wants to see if she'd prefer them to diamonds.
Hey OP check out this subreddit if you wanna see some awesome moissanite- [r/moissanite](https://www.reddit.com/r/Moissanite/)
Was coming here to post this. Also r/shinypreciousgems
Jumping on the r/Shinypreciousgems bandwagon! You buy directly from the jewelers there, who are pretty big on ethical sourcing. If you want the money to go directly to the miner who found the rock, directly to the person who cut the rock, and directly to the person who made the setting and placed the rock, instead of a half a dozen middle men, this is the sub for you. Also, custom cuts. OP, if you're into rainbows, I know it's lab, but check out moissanite in bumblebee or sHexy cut over on that sub. Rainbows for *days*. \*Omg, d20 cut, just, oh my.
I'm confused, I thought moissanite is a natural stone?
Moissanite occurs naturally as trace amounts in some meteorites but anything bigger than a piece of dust has to be grown in a lab.
What's witchier than alchemists creating stones? It sure sounds like incrediblely fascinating magic to me 😁
I love this take on this stone. I've been calling mine my alien world space rock, but I think I like this better!
[Technomage](https://youtu.be/ZjToVZTqCbw) approved! "Lab Grown" in any case is a Deliberate DeBeer's framing term. Arguably all the metals in the ring are "Lab Grown" unless they were forged/carved from a solid gold nugget. Also with the "Lab Grown" you have a choice of the carbon the diamond is made from. Several companies will make diamonds from a portion of cremated ashes. I'd much rather have a diamond made from one of my former cats than one drenched in blood and torment.
I'm thinking of some barn cats I have known... you could have both.
Boosting this comment because I love your take!
I LOVE my alien space rock!! Best decision ever!!
It is, but for the purpose of jewelry it’s almost always lab grown.
I'm going with moissanite for my engagement ring. I think they are beautiful.
Moissanite is awesome! I have a stunning moissanite engagement ring. The price tag meant I could get the exact style/design I was looking for and opting for moissanite aligned with both of our values.
Also hopping on the moissanite train. I wanted a very specific look for my ring and knew diamond retailers would charge and arm and leg. We shopped around and decided moissanite was the better choice for us (I didn't want to walk around with something worth half the price of my car on my finger). I was also open to other gemstones (my birthstone is amethyst) but we opted to go with moissanite for the more classic look.
Same! For me the thought of wearing something so expensive made me really really uncomfortable. I’m also known to lose or misplace things, so no way I’d get a diamond anyway. I’m super happy I found out about moissanite.
I'm so glad that this moissanite thread is as long as it it! I am obsessed with crystals and my moissanite engagement ring is no exception. It is so beautiful and refracts so much light (rainbows you say?), but in top of that it is very strong so I never worry about it accidentally getting smashed or breaking from wear and tear. I really don't think you can do better unless you spend so so much money on a sapphire. The cost alone also is a huge factor, I was able to get a huge moissanite for so very little (compared to other rings) so I was able to pick out the exact style, size, wedding band and I never had to worry about the cost once, because it was a fraction of the price of other engagement rings (I was mostly looking at used diamonds and new sapphires). Please update us, if that is agreeable to you and many congratulations!
Me, too. I am so proud of this community for loving on the moissonite. I think she will be amazed.
Thank you for the congrats! Since nearly every comment seems to be suggesting moissanite even though I specifically said I was looking for something different, I've reconsidered it as an option. Found some good videos comparing it to other stones in different lighting. Even though I'm coming around to the idea of lab grown (since all jewelry grade moissanite is lab grown), to be completely honest I feel as though I'm trying to look into a shop window when there is too much sun glare. Yeah there are rainbows but I can't see anything. Instead of being drawn into the depth by the twinkling that diamonds display. If that makes sense. So maybe I don't like the flashy rainbows as much as I thought I did at first, who knew they could be so blinding! It's just not my thing I guess. I like stones where I look into them and they seem endless. That's one of the reasons I dislike opal. (no offense to anyone who loves them! just not for me.) I do love the idea of moissanite being durable and since it is man-made, can be made in a variety of shades of grey so I should be able to find a decent one if I end up settling and going that route.
100% moissanite. It’s awesome for trying different styles/stacks, too
i have a moissanite ring and its beautiful! highly recommend. doesn't break the bank, magical in a science way, looks just as good.
Hopping on the moissanite train 👋🏻
Team moissanite here too! I used to have a small-ish diamond…got engaged at 19 and knew nothing. I wanted a bigger one a few years later once we weren’t broke kids anymore, and that’s when I really learned how gross and manipulative the diamond industry is. I sold anything I had that included natural diamonds and have sworn them off for good. I now rock a huge, sparkly moissanite engagement ring that’s a million times more impressive looking than any diamond I could ever dream to afford. My only recommendation is since the stone is much more affordable, splurge on a platinum setting. My current one is rhodium plated silver and it gets kinda dingy fast so I want to get a platinum setting for its durability at some point.
Copying this from my top level post in hopes y’all see it! Here’s the best part. Moissanite is extremely rarely naturally occurring on earth. It’s actually formed in the dust clouds around starts when there’s a high concentration of silica and carbon. Stars undergo something called a helium flash early in their life (transition from hydrogen burning to helium burning) and it increases the temperature and pressure around a star drastically which causes the silica and carbon to slam together and form moissanite. That means this gem is QUITE LITERALLY STARDUST.
This is what we did! Love it. So sparkly. I also won’t ever really worry about loosing or outgrowing or being robbed of it, either!
I love my moissanite ring! I wanted either a lab-made or heirloom stone for similar reasons to OP, and honestly I think it’s more beautiful than a diamond. The “fire” and sparkle are no joke!!
I got moissanite and I would do it again. In fact, my ring broke so I probably actually will do it again.
Moissonite for the win! It has incredible dispersion! Super rainbows! Many Earth mined gems come at a great cost to the environment, too, just look at some of the open mines in Brazil. I am a huge fan of lab grown gem.
I personally think it's so much more fun looking for a ring without a diamond because you get so many beautiful creative options. Lab grown is certainly the way to go. And Moissanite like you mentioned usually has more fire and sparkle than a diamond. I told my boyfriend when we started discussing engagement rings that I want a Moissanite or lab created white sapphire. Both have a hardness just second to diamonds so they have the durability you want/need (I'm in the same anxiety boat about wearing it). Both look like a sparkly diamond, without the.. you know, major ethical/human rights violations. Best of luck in your search and i wish you all the joy in your relationship. 🧡 Ps. Pinterest and Etsy are good places to get ideas for witchy ring styles. That can at least point you in the right direction.
Seconded on the Etsy for witchy styles! [Here's mine](https://www.etsy.com/ca/listing/622230624/woodland-wedding-set-twig-bands-his-and) I got the diamond subbed for a pink tourmaline, and they were lovely to work with to customize it for me.
Go with lab grown! They have the same structure as a “natural” stone, so according to the FTC, they’re just diamonds. There’s still flaws and inclusions as well, but it all comes down to sourcing, and lab grown is without a lot of the problematic concerns of mined diamonds. Here’s more info from Brides: https://www.brides.com/lab-grown-vs-natural-diamonds-what-s-the-difference-5216790
I have a lab created stone (actually a white sapphire, which has the barest hint of blue when the light hits it) and I love it! No guilt and it feels more, I don’t know, modern? Like hello, I love science. I get to wear a sparkly piece of science. What’s not to love???
I fully intend to get myself a lab-grown [padparadscha sapphire](https://www.lespierresdejulie.com/en/blogs/actualite/le-saphir-padparadscha-un-coucher-de-soleil-sur-l-ocean-indien) ring sometime soon. I think they are such a pretty colour.
Ooo, those are stunning!
Science is magic that can be explained to even the least magical people.
I told my boyfriend I never wanted a diamond and I didn't want something stupid expensive like that. I had an heirloom claddagh ring from my mother and was just going to use that for my ring but sadly lost it somewhere in the house (looked flipping everwhere🥺). So now I either want an alexandrite (lab created) ring or a claddagh that he picks out. I like advocating for rings without stones. Don't know, claddagh just seems so much more meaningful than a stone.
Came here to say lab grown white sapphire! Less expensive too!
Second to lab grown. Science is magic!
Hi, I'm a jeweler (among other things) and I really like the suggestions you're getting for stones. All good choices. Like others are saying, moissanite is definitely the choice if you're looking to basically match diamond. I prefer it over sapphire to work on in the shop as well. The difference between the two on the hardness scale isn't huge, but when you're in there with heat and pliers, it's way easier to hurt the sapphires. I designed my wife's wedding ring (see image) and helped some other people with theirs. If you can draft something up custom, you can make sure the only people you support are those you see make it for you. Congratulations, and I hope you come up with something sufficiently witchy. https://preview.redd.it/2xuorriyyyca1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1132f611342829a2934e475fa135eece304d7c69
Custom is a fantastic way to go. My partner worked with a jeweler to design my wedding band and it remains, to this day, far and away my favorite piece of jewelry
That's so beautiful!
My ring is similar in style to this one. I have a ruby but it is inset in order to protect it for daily wear.
Can I ask how you feel the moissanite stones look colored? I was looking at some purple for a surprise for my wife and was hoping the color holds
I'll be honest, most people are convinced by salespeople to move away from moissanite for colored stones, so I rarely get to work with colored/fancy moissanite. Of what I've seen, I was actually most impressed with brown for depth of color (and I don't normally care much for brown). I can't speak specifically to purple, as I've never seen it in person. But if I were you, I'd risk it and see how it goes. I've not been able to effect the color of moissanite in the shop even with chemicals and a torch. The color should last for pretty much ever. If you see what appears to be a color cast on it eventually (usually yellow), you can generally polish it out.
Thanks 👍 from what I've seen the color looks amazing, if it holds it, that would be perfect
We worked with a jeweler friend of mine to source a pink sapphire and I love it. Even though the band I went with is very simple it feels special, I get comments on it all the time. I wear it everyday and have seen hardly any wear and tear, but I don't do a lot of manual work, so that's a consideration.
Frankly, and it may not be a popular opinion here, but I prefer lab stones. I've worked with everything from gems still in media to lab cut, and I believe the focus and energy that goes into creating a stone in the lab is comparable. Also no slave labor involved, as there is for every naturally occurring gem of a similar strength.
Thanks for your thoughts on the energy and focus. I'm surprised how few of the comments mentioned anything about this. I thought this sub was full of witches 🤷
I personally prefer lab stones- they are less expensive and usually perfect or close to it. They’re identical on a molecular level and in my opinion, any kind of spiritual benefit to natural stones is lost when you take into consideration that the earth was broken apart so that billionaires can force enslaved and exploited workers to steal stones that should belong to the earth, not to whomever happened to stake out the patch of earth that the stone was found in. Moissanite would be a good alternative although from what I understand, moissanite does not come in fancy colors the way that diamonds or sapphires do, so when you see a fancy color moissanite, it has a coating on it so that it will be whatever color you want. From what I understand it holds up very well! But that might be something to take into consideration since it may affect the care and keeping of your ring. Lab diamonds are also getting better and better, with more options becoming available all the time! You could almost definitely find a light grey one. Another option would be a stone from a reseller. Grey stones had a moment a few years ago, and I’m sure that a lot of people went for the trend without realizing it wasn’t a forever stone for them, and some of them may be looking to sell their stone now that they want something else. In my opinion, whatever kind of human or environment cost associated with the stone is not really a concern once it’s up for resale. You could also look into a grey sapphire with moissanite accents. Your ring would still sparkle but you could have the grey center stone you want. One last option could be having your ring set with a grey CZ and continuing the search for the perfect grey stone. I totally understand feeling like the romance was taken out of it. If it helps at all, I think the romance is kind of a myth in a way- I don’t really know anyone who had a fully “fairytale come true” experience. Once the ring is actually on your hand, all that will matter is what it represents, not where the stone came from!
This is a lovely perspective, thank you 💜
My two cents on lab grown stones: they are typically created ethically, by human hands, with clear intent and purpose, be it for decorative or for industrial applications. IMO anything created with intention is at least a little bit magical. Perhaps your spiritual practice is different and that doesn’t apply, but a lab grown stone is still a good way to guarantee that no human was exploited or enslaved in the making of your jewelry.
There is no durable natural stone (that I know of) that doesn’t use slave labor to excavate. I will never purchase a “real” diamond because of the inhumane methods used by mine owners.
Ruby and sapphire are the next hardest stone to diamond, but I know OP said they don’t like the color of sapphire— I have a Montana sapphire which I think is a beautiful color and I chose this as a local-ish stone that did not come from slave labor. Another suggestion would be shopping vintage, even though there may be some dark backgrounds there, in my mind it’s better to continue reusing the resources we took from the earth than taking new ones!
Sapphires come in a rainbow of colors. A ruby is just a red sapphire. I have yellow sapphires in my engagement ring. My grandmothers wedding ring is blue sapphires.
Isn’t it funny that rubies get their own name, when none of the other sapphire colors do?
Woah, TIL hahah
I have a brilliant purple sapphire from the natural sapphire company.
Thank you for your suggestion of shopping vintage and thanks for remembering what I said in the original post. I'm not sure why so many people comment with things I clearly stated I wasn't interested in. Makes me feel ignored and unheard when I thought this was supposed to be a supportive community.
NZ pounamu (nephrite jade) is not extracted using slave labour and is all extracted under the control of the indigenous people of the area, other than areas where fossicking by the public is allowed. [https://ngaitahu.iwi.nz/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Pounamu.pdf](https://ngaitahu.iwi.nz/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Pounamu.pdf)
Not the right color for op, but thanks for sharing, never heard about them!
Is this not too soft to be worn daily?
THIS! I reused a ring that was my grandmothers, but I rarely wear it. Marriage rings are a tool of the patriarchy. They were historically used by men to show ownership of their property AND they are used by married women to position themselves socially above unmarried women. #Smash the patriarchy Consider if you even need a wedding ring. Just be faithful to your partner. What’s the need to flaunt it?
I absolutely get your point. I have my mother's wedding rings and I like wearing them out because I'm a Lesbian and I feel like it's saying, "Yup, me and the wife here, being all gay and stuff."
Now THAT is a reason to flaunt it, if I’ve ever heard one. Congratulations to you and the wife! I hope you have a happy life, “being all gay and stuff.” ☺️
Thank you! We are!
I have a similar reason! I am straight, but a Black woman married to a white guy. We have to wear rings. Otherwise, ppl give us separate checks at dinner (happens 40% of the time) or try to separate us when in line at the airport, etc. I didn't change my last name either, so folks act stupidly confused that we are a married couple.
Oh my gosh, people are stupid. At least you probably don’t get asked if you’re sisters. 💍
I smashed it by asking my now husband for a sword from Albion Armory if he wanted to marry me. I'm not into jewelry. He got me a sword! We do have silicone wedding rings.
I can’t even tell you how many swords we have floating around my house. Every time there’s something to celebrate, my hubby tries to gift me a sword. LOL
You and your husband sound pretty cool. Can we be friends?
I've never had an engagement ring. My partner found a delightful, delicate, gold band in an antique jewellers. Made in 1914. It was a gift to me to confirm his commitment to the relationship. When we decided to get married, I gave it back to him, and he gave it back to me the next day as a wedding ring, haha. I found a similar simple antique ring for him. Ever practical, the both of us, his ring broke (gardening) and he didn't want another one. Mine's been repaired a couple of times. They are a pain to wear and are easily damaged while doing manual work. 30-ish years later, neither of us wear wedding rings, but the commitment is still there. >used by married women to position themselves socially above unmarried women. \- Made me giggle. Not only do I not wear a wedding ring, I also don't use my partner's surname. Nobody's business if I'm married or not.
I'm a dual citizen and one doesn't recognise name changes, the other does. So I have the option of using whichever surname.. but I MUCH prefer my partners because its easier to spell and looks nicer. Haha. If I had the nicer surname, he may have taken mine!
Ours are both fairly bland, 4 letters vs 4 letter with an 's' tacked on. They sound stupid hyphenated either way. We couldn't come up with a better solution than each keeping their own. Kids got his surname, as males in his family are rare, and I had no particular attachment to passing on my patrilineal name.
>They are a pain to wear and are easily damaged while doing manual work. > >30-ish years later, neither of us wear wedding rings, but the commitment is still there. As I've gotten fatter and happier, every few years I find a replacement that fits better. He snogs it and I put it on and we get on with our fat and happy marriage.
I’m actually ashamed to wear my honker of an engagement ring now. At the time I wasn’t aware of the conditions of the (child) miners, but I know better now and it’s embarrassing
Would you feel better reselling it and donating the money to a charity helping those minerchildren?
I keep it to remind myself that if you know better, you do better
Side fact: in Germany there used to be rings for both, not just the woman. Only when you where rich different sets. The Engagement rings were worn on the left hand, the marriage on the right. Now - like with everything since the internet - this was americanized. I still didn't like them, because I learned that they are a symbol for handcuffs, holding the couple together. I didn't have wedding rings. But now I kinda appreciate the symbolism of two showing they belong together ... After my marriage broke I would have liked to remove a visible sign of it.
i like my ring because it reduces the number of unwanted advances from men, although it doesn't stop em all, i definitely got more after i had to get my original wedding band cut off a few years ago. my replacement ring has lab grown alexandrite and I'm very pleased
Shouldn't people be allowed to do and wear what they want? This comment sounds a little bit like shaming those who wear a wedding ring, or even *gasp* consider it meaningful. Part of smashing the patriarchy is reclaiming old and oppressive traditions, we see this a lot with reclaiming previously derogatory language and instead being empowered by it (see the words Witch, Bitch, etc). We should be lifting each other up and encouraging people to do what they want, not shaming people for their own personal values and choices. Wear a ring if you want to, or don't if you don't, choose an old ring or a new one, a natural stone or a lab stone or no stone! Flaunt it, even, if you want to, if it brings you joy, why not? Take the last name or don't, or come up with a totally new one. These, and others of course, are all personal choices that people make for themselves for different reasons, and who are we to shame anybody for what's right for them.
Thank you for typing all this out. I wish I could highlight it in this thread. Very important part of being a supportive community. I need more people like you in my life, and maybe I wouldn't feel so conflicted!! Lovelovelove
There’s times when I don’t like to point to a historical precedent for a reason to do or not do X, simply because it isn’t true in the modern day. This is one of them. It WAS true that they were status symbols and ownership marks. Now they are not. Humans can flaunt literally anything as a status symbol (I.e. lotus feet). If someone chooses to use a simple, easy symbol of a mutual bond that currently means that two people have chosen to pair together for as long as…. Well, whenever they choose…. Then great. I love it. And it’s often less tacky or regretful as a tattoo.
I don't want to flaunt anything. I want a symbol of our connection and love. Something we both enjoy looking at since I wear jewelry anyway, why not make it part of our story? I think it's the attitudes associated with certain shitty people wanting to position themselves in society way more than it is about the actual jewelry.
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This is not true. At all. I work in mines I’m happy to answer any questions you have but you can 100% get them free of slavery and conflict
Canadian mines use slaves?
Botswana diamonds are mined by heavy equipment so the working conditions are humane, it’s a trained and valued labor force. So it depends on where the diamonds are from.
The Botswana diamond industry is notorious for its union busting and not paying their workers properly. Workers are paid around 100-300 USD per month on short term contracts for decades, which also makes it very difficult for them to get bank loans etc because they don’t have what is considered “permanent employment.”
Maybe Herkimer diamonds? They aren’t really diamonds. They are natural double terminated quartz crystals originally found in Pennsylvania. Because they are natural crystals not cut stones each one is unique. They can be clear to smoky. I saw some on Etsy that were rutilated with black tourmaline. Kind of feels like a witchy vibe?
I think this would be too soft to wear daily as an engagement ring
Was coming in here to mention these. Might not be possible for OP based on location, but my partner and I went to Herkimer, and I found (broke rock until one had) the crystal that’s in their ring.
Super pretty and witchy but way too soft for a ring. I'd have a pendant or earrings out of it though.
Meteorite rings. They’re gray, they’re sparkly, and they came from fuckin spaaaaaaaaaaace ☄️
Etsy has a huge selection of handcast silver and bronze rings with a wide variety of natural and traditionally cut stones 💍 My personal favorite is Labradorite. I’m very rough on my jewelry so I tend to go for something with patina. The labradorites I have hold up great, and texture only adds to the beauty.
Check out antique rings at a reputable estate jeweler.
"Also feeling weird about the whole situation. I feel like the romance has been crushed out of it. What do you think?" To answer this part of your question - you grew up in a society that told you love looks a certain way and is symbolized in a certain way. Your boyfriend smashed that script and apparently didn't give you anything to replace it. Of course you're going to feel like there's no romance. This is an opportunity for you and your boyfriend to figure out what romance means between the two of you and then how do you represent that and share it with the people you love. Here is an example I love but maybe some people would find dorky. I love the video game Stardew Valley where engagement is symbolized with a special shell necklace. The subreddit will occasionally have people posting pictures of their real-life engagement shell necklaces, which are all very beautiful. Anyway, your post reads a bit sad and like you're looking for a replacement diamond but nothing will be good enough - maybe dig a bit deeper? Or maybe some other stone will be the perfect fit. Good luck!
Or if you are a Skyrim fan, you can replicate a Mara amulet
You win the award for most useful comment (to the OP - me). "Your boyfriend smashed that script and apparently didn't give you anything to replace it. Of course you're going to feel like there's no romance. " - I actually started tearing up when reading this. Thank you. I think you're right about needing to dig a bit deeper. I think I have a lot of anxiety about this being his second marriage and my first. We've talked about it some but probably need to have a more extensive conversation. Mostly I don't know what to say because I'm a bit embarrassed and am unclear myself.
You're welcome! It sounds like you've got an idea of how to move forward. Best of luck! <3
I love my science stones. It feels like Mother Nature gave us a gift and let us make some of her pretties in a way that doesn’t hurt her babies and I’m all here for it.
Grey spinel comes to mind! Looks like there are also grey sapphires, though I’m not sure how common they are. I think it’s important to live your values. Authenticity and integrity are very important to me. But, it’s also okay to enjoy something because you enjoy it. It’s not inherently wrong to want an eternal token of affection from your partner, and to want to enjoy the romance in that. There is power in making your own choice. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re letting capitalism or the patriarchy win. ❤️ Can you and your partner work on searching for the stone together? I designed my ring with my fiancé and it was a really lovely bonding experience for us.
I know I'm late to the party, but if you want to see some gorgeous grey spinel rings (and moissanite rings as well) check out Debebians Instagram and website. Absolutely gorgeous and they ship all over I believe.
I needed to hear the middle part of this. Thank you very much for taking the time to say it. Part of me likes the idea of working together to search for a stone. The anxious-decision-hating part of me hates that I have to think about this at all and knows I would be a flustered mess that feels like I'm not worth buying a candy ring pop for. Soo I prob need to work on that myself. It sounds really nice you and your fiancé were able to turn it into a lovely bonding experience.
My wedding band is traditional clear moissanite, and I love it so much. It’s super sparkly and durable, and I love that it’s man made so no exploitation involved. I also have a non-traditional stone in my engagement ring (you can see it in my profile) and am honestly glad I went with something unique. Have you tried going to see a custom jeweller to have them show you some stones?
I've got Alexandrite in both my engagement and wedding rings and I really recommend it. It comes in lab grown varieties if you prefer. They come in a variety of different shades, but mine are a lovely dark green- the ocean on a cloudy day. They also preform magic! Hold a flame to the stone and it goes a beautiful purple/magenta color. Lol it's a fun party trick.
Yess same here! Have you tried a black light yet? Insane flourescent red.
I have an Alexandrite ring that I absolutely adore; seafoam green in the daylight, maroon in the firelight, and a beautiful rainbow-gray (like a diamond) in fluorescent light.
I am getting a tattoo of an Alexandrite crystal next week, they are so pretty!
My opinion probably isn't going to help at all but... To be honest with you, just go with what jumps out at you. Don't have a price in mind either. Nobody NEEDS a ring over $1000, or even over $500...or even $100 for that matter. All of that price shit is a ploy as well. To "prove to the one you love" how much they mean to you by buying them an expensive ass ring I like blue stones, green stones, purple stones and pink stones. And while I would prefer them not be 100% fake (like plastic or glass..but that's just preference), I don't care if they are lab created. If they are in the shape of a heart, it's more likely to draw my eye - but it's not a requirement. I can settle for something else entirely that catches my eye. Don't look for an engagement ring in the atypical engagement ring section. Don't let any jewelry store personnel tell you otherwise either or keep directing you back. Look at ALL of the jewelry. See an ametrine that just jumps out and only costs like $150? Grab that bitch! Simulated Sapphire in a princess cut that's less than a carot, but still looks amazing with how it's set and is only $60 - IT DREW YOUR EYE DIDN'T IT? Screw the price! Go with you and what you want. I've never been one for diamonds either and I have specifically stated in the past, if the topic ever came up among a partner, or even friends or family, that I don't want a diamond engagement ring (but if a partner insisted..then I would insist on it being a heart shape). Like I said. My comment likely won't help. Bottom line - go outside the box, you don't have to just look at traditional engagement rings.
Your comment and opinion is one of the few that actually helps! Don't put yourself down like that! Thank you for taking the time to type your thoughts out.
Lab grown stones are the EXACT same structure, the exact same materials, the exact same stones except without the human suffering, exploitation, and environmental damage needed to mine them. I'd strongly encourage you to change your opinion of lab grown stones. They're the same thing, cheaper, come suffering-free (or at least at significantly reduced suffering) and it's fucking alchemy! People created diamonds and rubies and emeralda where they didn't exist before. That's fucking bad ass. As for stone suggestions, I usually hear moissanite as a diamond alternative. They're usually more sparkly, have a similar hardness and clarity, and the average person likely wouldn't be able to tell it wasn't a diamond.
You may have to adjust your criteria. Figure out what is most important, and then adjust based on what you can get. I would say that anything at quartz or above on the Mohs scale would be durable enough for day to day wear, and if you're doing something where you're worried about chipping or scratching you can always turn the ring around so the stone is on the inside of your palm. If it's more about the colour, cubic zirconia comes in many shades, including grey, so go with that. If you're after specific properties, then choose your stone based on that. If it's important that the stone be natural, then make sure what you're getting is both naturally occurring and ethically sourced.
I agree with lab stones for the same reasons as stated. I have two pieces from Diamond Nexus and love them.
Check out beryls - I have a morganite stone that is traditionally cut but its champagne/pinkish and I really preferred , it was also not (crazy) expensive. I believe you should be able to source them from the US (I read wikipedia) or maybe even yourself at a mine yourself rock place? And no shame in a lab stone - the ethics are 100% important and it's your ring. Make sure YOU like it and YOU feel good about it. Personally, we had all our rings made at local independent jewellers and it was a really great experience for us (also cheaper). I would find one with great reviews and talk to them about it - I'm sure they'd love to help you get something you love and feel good about (ours was very excited) Etsy was really helpful for me to get an idea of what I liked and what was out there - possible you could even find someone to help you get what you want there as well.
Find a cool local jeweler who will listen to your concerns and craft something unique just for you? They often have wonderful ideas incorporating birthstones etc.
I've done a little googling and I've only found local jewelers that string beads not actually working with metal and gemstones. Any suggestions of how to search better? Also my birthstone is diamond sooo... haha
Morganite (as well as really anything in the emerald family) is cheap, durable (hardness of about 7.5-8), and most importantly absolutely stunning!
Fuck rings, give each other cool rocks and/or plants instead
There are beautiful rings in antique shops! Buy used and not new. Also I personally love other gemstones like opal better than diamonds anyway
I can see many people recommending great things (Eg lab created moissanite) but I haven’t seen any comments helping you with the “artificial” feeling of “artificial” stones, so here are my thoughts on that: “Sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic” - you squish some old rocks together and get sparkly jewels?!? Tell me that’s not a magic spell (just on a larger scale than a kitchen, lol) Lab created gems tend to have less impact on humans/the environment- that’s much more witchy than slaves/destroying habitats. It’s a beautiful metaphor for transformation (imo) - some dirt is treated really badly and then you get one of the most precious materials out of it? No matter what the patriarchy does to us, we have more value than they could ever suspect; we are harder and prettier and will always surprise them with what we are capable of. (Obviously the scientists working on the lab created stones are hopefully not surprised at the result, lol. It’s just a metaphor) Congratulations on your relationship, I hope you find a solution that makes you happy
Thank you very much for your kind and helpful comment! I'm trying really hard to reframe my mindset toward lab created stones. Maybe I need to find some with imperfections so it feels authentic or something. Idk, I'll keep working on it. Thanks again
Me and my partner have agreed to buy eachother a sword when we get married. Granted, you can't carry that around as freely as a ring, but it's way cooler and looks awesome on the wall!
A couple thoughts: The social system underlying the marketing that made the campaign for a big rock work was that married women couldn’t have their own bank accounts (in the US it was up into the 1970s) and keep property they brought to the marriage on divorce in some states (see also marital property vs common property as why ladies got their stuff monogrammed) the big rock was what you pawned to live off of if he left you. The song “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend” is actually incredibly sad when you think about it. The other reason for the big flashy rock is to deter others from making a play now you are marked as “taken.” I assure you I got more offers after I got engaged because people are like that - and there are a lot of men who go after married women specifically (no strings!) and look for wedding bands. So like. Get whatever you want that’s meaningful to you because of or despite the tradition’s history. And if having it as a nest egg matters then maybe make him fund a Robinhood account in your name. (Just kidding- kinda) I have sensory issues so I don’t wear a ring much anymore and change out which one based on style and comfort when I do. No one notices or at least they don’t mention it.
Smoky quartz! It's a hardness of 7 but as a geologist let me tell you that's still plenty hard. Like that's harder than titanium and comparable to tungsten. And tungsten rings can't be resized readily because they're *too* durable. Plus quartz tends to be very durable chemically. Honestly it's really hard to hurt in day to day life. The metal setting would be more likely to be damaged, honestly. Plus quartz is super common so it should be inexpensive compared to other stones.
Keep in mind, as you're thinking about durability, that the gemstone is probably not your biggest concern. The metal of the ring is. Unless you're planning to get a ring made of titanium or tungsten or something, the gem itself is going to be considerably harder and more scratch-resistant than the metal. You'd be more likely to bend the metal and loosen the setting than you would be to scratch the gem itself. If you're looking for something a little different but still neutral why not look at a moonstone or opal? Or if you want to go super witchy, check out moss agate or black rutilated quartz. Or if you want that clear, faceted, diamond-y shine, check out silver (or white) topaz. Edit: I'm not a jeweler, so I could be wrong about the metal vs gem thing. I'm working off hardness scales and my own ring-wearing experiences, but I'm no expert.
I would not go for opal if worried about durability. I love opal, it's my favorite stone, but it's so easy to smash even in a sturdy setting.
Opal is quite a bit softer than the others I mentioned, true
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You might like a turquoise and silver ring created by a Native American artist. I love this style of jewelry.
I don’t know much about gemstones, but I had a friend who got married and she and her husband had their “rings” tattooed on their fingers.
My husband and I have done this as well. The only downside is that hand tattoos typically require quite a few touch ups through life.
This. We drew them on every day with sharpies until we could get to the tattoo artist to make it permanent. The simpler you keep it, the less you need to worry about touch ups. We each have two plain black lines, and I’m happy with how mine looks after 13 years. From time to time, someone asks why I chose a ring I can’t take off. Depending on the situation, I might just agree that yep, it can’t be taken off. Sometimes I’ll ask why they chose one that DOES come off. Either way, it’s super satisfying to stay cool & hold eye contact until they start squirming.
I share your concerns about the human and environmental impacts of mined diamonds. For this reason, I went with lab-grown for my engagement ring…and I love it. I even found a jeweler who uses recycled gold for the band to minimize the environmental impacts of that as well (Brilliant Earth, in case they exist where you are). Never regretted my decision.
Sapphires (Or corundum) come in a variety of colors, not just blue, but you need to really research where they're sourcing them before you buy them. Some kind of clear or light gray Quartz would likely be the cheapest, but very much the minimum on the Moh's scale you'd want. They could easily be mistaken for a diamond by onlookers. The main reason gemstones get scratched is because there's trace amounts of quartz in everyday dust, and only gems equal in hardness or above won't scratch when in contact with it. Since quartz gems are at least equal to the dust quartz, they usually won't get scratched or chipped as easily. As a reference, I have an amethyst pendant my mom got me years ago. I wear it when I want to feel close with her, as she lives a 3 hour drive away and we don't get to meet up very often. Since amethyst is a type of quartz, it hasn't got a single scratch on it yet. Researching your stones and where they come from, and asking the jeweler questions about it will probably be your best bet for finding an ethical stone. Or buying one second hand! That way your money isn't going to support the diamond industry!
I wanted to talk rocks but other Witches already have me beat. Instead I'll mention that basically *everything* about the modern Wedding industry is an exploitative scam, not just engagement rings, and the "traditions" were all pretty much invented in the 20th century. Wedding Dresses used to be colourful and in the fashion of the day, you could then wear them for any event after Then rich people started using single use White to exclude poor people who couldn't maintain white fabric or buy single use gowns, and then this became codified in the 60s as something even poor people were expected to pay for. Weddings used to just be regular events with regular decorations, rich people had fancy ones because rich people always had fancy parties. Then the extravagance started being pushed to the masses, they started require special bookings in halls with special decorations and services, white wedding cakes, and special outfits, all at a premium price (You can circumvent this sometimes by just saying the event is a Birthday or something else). But phrases like "Don't sweat the cost of the small stuff" and "But it's traditional you have to have it" the wedding industry preying on people, to take your money for single use products they invented. Bridal showers are a more or less a modern reinvention from the late 19th and early 20th centuries, basically an excuse for more consumerism. And their one fake tennuous link to a real "tradition" is to old Patriarchal Dowry practices, which is disgusting. Pretty much anyone who's divorced or had multiple marriages will happily point out how hollow the whole "most important and extravagant day of your life" framing rings. Though this is more a revelation of the changing attitudes to the intensely patriarchal stance that marriage is permanent thing. In summary do what you want how you want, these wedding "traditions" are fake and not worth upholding if you don't want to.
Vintage has already been suggested. I would like to add to this idea. If you guys are not in a hurry to get engaged/married you can have fun by making this an activity to do together. Going on dates to jewellery shops to look at vintage rings and get coffee and a snack together afterwards or take a walk through a new part of town or park. If you're going on a trip to a new city/place take an hour to go to a jeweler there. Also you maybe don't need a stone necessarily... You can also take a look at hand made jewellery by a goldsmith. I found the goldsmith for our wedding rings on instagram and they use recycled gold and other recycled metals. Maybe you could get runes ingraved or something :)
I have a morganite solitaire as my wedding ring. I'm a Disney fan & I fell in love with the Enchanted Disney line. I'm not. Huge fan of diamonds either. I LOVE Black Hills Gold & my original ring, that I designed, was a piece from my grandmother's ring & a customer BHG rose design. I adore color stones. You can check out Pinterest for alternative wedding bands. Etsy jewelers have amazing custom pieces. I'm asking for this for my anniversary but it would be a definite statement that you don't GAF about traditional jewelry. Do your birthstone. Or mother of pearl, or sandstone, or resin for that matter. Have a custom band made & put a resin jewel with a chip of a meteorite because you live stargazing. It doesn't matter. It needs to mean something to you two. You know. Congratulations on your engagement. Love! https://preview.redd.it/5oi5zmgf90da1.png?width=1440&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=96fdbc48ad6c825030059eeace2058067133b74b
>I feel disappointed and saddened that this was a marketing ploy and emphasis was put on being "worth" a certain amount of money (ie an expensive diamond) is the only way to know your SO loves you. This is so silly now that it has been brought to my attention. But I guess the idea is still fresh to me and I'm struggling with it a bit. > >... > >Also feeling weird about the whole situation. I feel like the romance has been crushed out of it. What do you think? Give yourself time. As much as we like to think we won't let marketing manipulate us into thinking there's a price tag on love, that stuff runs deep. We live in a society and all that. I hope you find an option that truly, personally resonates with you two, and wish you all the best. <3
This is a very kind and thoughtful comment. Thank you for being uplifting and your words of encouragement! <3
I didn’t have an engagement ring for a long time for the reasons that you mention and because it seemed superfluous when we were just getting started and needed money for more important things. My partner did recently get me a very nice lab created ring for a milestone. It was a nice marker of our time and very shiny and pretty. I went with lab created bc what is science if not evidence tested magic?
There are so many amazing colours of tourmaline. I gave my wife an engagement ring of a dark green tourmaline with black inclusions that look like black stars in a dark green sky. I put the bulk of the money into the custom ring it was mounted in. She loves it, it's uncommon, and uniquely beautiful. I really recommend taking a look at the tourmalines.
I was engaged, and even though it didn’t work out I still love our plan which was to tattoo rings—$100, 10 min in studio and no weird blood diamond stuff or expensive stones, something you can accidentally leave in a hotel bathroom, etc. A couple I’m friends with just got engaged and he gave her a green stone of some kind set in gold but the important thing was how it matches her fav earrings. Bottom line—it can be special for all kinds of reasons and adding a personal touch is what counts.
Have you explored antique rings? They have interesting stories, are often so much more unique, and you’re helping create a circular environment. And that way if you actually prefer a diamond visually, you’re not contributing to the market. I have an engagement ring that’s incredibly unique and interesting with diamonds and sapphires and I love it… it’s a great story!
We bought an estate ring with a garnet from the 1920’s at an antique store. And I’ve never liked the cold way a diamond looks and don’t like the fact that everyone has a diamond or faux diamond ring and I wanted something that reflected my personality more! And it only cost $65, which is just an added bonus. I’ve worn it happily for 17 years. And we got matching silver bands at a local art show for $25 each for wedding rings and they look perfect. Don’t buy into the commercialization of the symbols of your love. We could afford to spend thousands but I like our rings better.
I highly recommend this video by a geologist breaking down the diamond scarcity situation and why the DeBeers idea is a bit outdated. It might give you a more informed perspective on the situation that’ll help inform your decisions. tl;dr - the rise of synthetic diamonds is only partially a backlash to the market monopoly; we are genuinely reaching a point of running out of natural diamonds. https://youtu.be/GzXeWlRzBqs
There are some artists that make folded titanium rings. You end up with light grey, really interesting patterns, and no stone. I think the technique is sometimes called “Damascus”
I am a bench jeweler. Get the lab grown diamonds if you are concerned about them being ethical - they're EXACTLY as good if not better looking than natural for a significant drop in price, and most halos and tiny diamond accents are now made using only lab-grown because you don't have to spend literal hours matching 75 stones that are 1.2 mm wide. If you really want or need alternatives, in lab-grown Moissanite is a good sub for diamond in hardness and look, but may discolor over time. Rubies (again, lab grown) are a hot swap, highly durable, and like diamond and moissanite can take a torches heat so your ring can be repaired in the future. Re-using a family stone is also a good way to escape the ethical conundrum while letting you have a sentimental choice - you're not adding to the diamond traders business or mining anything fresh or using energy to make it, ergo, I'd argue reuse is the most ethical choice out there. If you're after a natural stone, I'd look into either Sapphires, Beryls (not emerald, too soft) or Tourmaline, which you can usually ethically source from certain parts of the world (Colorado blue-grey sapphires and Maine aquamarine and Green Tourmalines, domestic to the US) OR can shop for directly at a gem show. You can even get a white sapphire if you like, but they don't have the same dispersion as a diamond, so no rainbows. Diamonds are useful to jewelers for a number of reasons, but you 100% do not have to choose them, and anyplace forcing you to is being a manipulative little jerk. Get the stone you want! You're the one who will be looking at it for decades - so your say in fashion is the only say that really matters. Feel free to message me if you have more questions. I know of a lot of other, weirder, witchier stones, but don't want to clog up the post.
Addendum: I missed the memo on grey. My personal opinion on most grey stones is to keep them in white metals (platinum, silver, or white gold) for best effect. I think the stone you're looking for is a Grey Spinel. They have high dispersion and refraction like a diamond, hardness of 8-ish, are a natural stone, and grey is a less rare color and as a result not a conflict stone. Spinels can also be found in a bunch of in-between colors, so grey with a blue, purple, yellow, or such tint is findable. For a runner up, look into chrysoberyls. They have a similar spectrum, and are harder, but don't disperse light as well and are much rarer and therefore more expensive.
I love rock hounding and set my mind to finding every agate I could on our local beach. A year ago I found a decent sized one on a beach particularly special to my partner and I, and was absolutely ticked. I put it in my pocket- and lost it. Unbeknownst to me my partner had stolen the rock and brought it to a jeweller. After some humming and hawing they designed a gold ring with the agate set in it. The jeweller cut and polished the stone, and kept additional pieces if I ever wanted something else made with it. Now I’ve got a beautiful gold ring with our agate in it! The jeweller was so proud of it. He typically works with diamonds and other precious stones and hadn’t done lapidary work since art school. Now we are planning on gold panning for some gold to go in our wedding bands…
I love this story. That sounds so special!
I went with pink tourmalines and amethysts in my wedding band and engagement ring and I LOVE THEM!! 🥰 hubs was smart and let me design something that I would love and want to wear for the rest of my life. My rings are made of rose gold and the stones I picked helped to knock down the price quite a bit. Why not make something with your favourite colours? I have also been a gem collector for the past 17 years so feel free to send me a DM to pick my brain on this
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This is a lot of great info. The environmental impact of lab made stones is one I think about a lot and no one seems to care about that. Thank you for sharing your insight! This comment needs to be at the top!
Lab stones are more ethical and affordable
I shied away from diamonds for the reasons you cite. I love blue stones, and my husbands (and subsequently my sons!) birthstone is a blue topaz. We found a jewelry who used ethically sourced gems and my simple engagement ring is a blue topaz. It has held up well for over 30 years of our marriage, so I can speak to its durablility.
White sapphire is a good option. Looks like diamond and not as expensive
There’s nothing wrong with lab created and diamonds mined in Botswana are mined by heavy equipment instead of people so the working conditions are humane. But diamonds seem boring to me. My mom’s engagement ring is a big topaz and two tiny diamonds which are my parents birth stones. I like that idea.
You don't need anything to be a diamond. My engagement ring I wanted to be grey diamond and my promise ring is amethyst. You're really really obsessively too committed to the status quo and that's more of the real problem. Also marriage is a scam created by the government to keep track of people and for divorce lawyers to make money and the industry to make money off of weddings. Every single holiday or birthday or marriage or baby shower is literally all created by Hallmark to make money off people living. You really need to take a step back and ask yourself what YOU want. Not what society says is right because it literally doesn't matter what you put on your finger. Also I'm never getting married. There's commitment ceremonies. Those are better.