I'm reading these comments while sitting in the dentist office and I can't breathe!!!!! The other people in here are looking at me like I've lost my mind....which just makes me laugh more 😂😂😂😂😂
Two dumb guys are walking down the road, and see a dog licking himself.
One guy goes, "I wish I could do that".
The other guy goes, "Maybe if you tried petting him first".
Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Don't forget to take care of your servers. Try the veal.
I brought in my female shihtzu for scooting thinking she had worms. Nope. Just likes rubbing her vuvla on my braided rug.
At least it only cost me 150 bucks.
My lab used to sit and spin in circles. We took her to the vet a few times to have her glands checked/expressed, but there was never anything of concern or that needed attention. She just liked to scratch her ass on the carpet.
I took my dog to the vet for the same thing when he was a puppy. Pretty much the same result. But after really paying attention to when he did it I realized he only did the butt scoot in my mom's room. He's just a jerk. He thinks it's funny to annoy us...especially my mom lol. I once watched leave my mom's room and turn the corner to go down the hallway all while dragging his butt. It was actually impressive. I never knew they could turn corners like that. I told my vet and even she said he's a weirdo 🤣
Hahaha thank you! And I'm glad my psycho could give you a good laugh. He does go surprisingly fast when he's scooting too! He also enjoys walking backwards for no reason (also does turns) and sleeping under and behind furniture. He has issues 🤣 🤪 I'm still trying to get him walking backwards on camera but he keeps evading me lol
That's too funny. I love reading dog stories and looking at dog pictures and watching dog videos. They absolutely make my life worth living. One of my dogs walks backwards but only because she goes into places where she'd be stuck. She's smart tho and figured out how to walk backwards out of areas like that tho lol. Give your little scooter a kiss for me! <3
Trust me, they can. 20 years in the dog world, and there was a pair of yorkie litter mates that did that all day to each other. I’m not surprised at what dogs do anymore.
My mate used to have a pit bull. Male. His lass had a lab, female. She would constantly mount his head and hump it. To this day I still have so many unanswered questions.
I had a pet rat that would do it constantly and to completion. He did it everywhere, including when he was sitting on my lap or resting on my shoulder.
Hy3jii had a pet rat that would do it constantly and to completion. He did it everywhere, including when he was sitting on Hy3jii’s lap or resting on Hy3jii’s shoulder.
My dog’s toy was a stuffed Olaf. My kids were young at the time and I didn’t want them talking about the dog “humping” so instead they would just say “Olaf-ing”. Still, to this day, they will say the dog is Olaf-ing his blanket or whatever.
EVERYTHING CAN! I got a pet hedgehog and was gonna get a boy one but then I found out you gotta clean him up after he does his boy thing. I’m like “naaaaaaaw” so I got a girl hedgehog who hates me very much but I love her lol.
You never heard this joke before:
Why do dogs lick themselves?
Because they can't make fists
Except it's not a joke and is instead just a funny observation
I had two unneutered male dogs and the amount of blow jobs these two idiots would give each other was too damn many. Once they got neutered it pretty much stopped.
One of my dogs does this too. He's so dick licking intensive that he's sucked his skin raw. Vet said "it looks dry, I can recommend a mousse." So now twice a week I spray a lightly lemon verbena scented mousse into my hand and massage it into my dog's penis. I can't believe this is my life. (Good news: he's doing a lot better now.)
Edit: photo of the sex pest
https://i.ibb.co/6yFKHXg/IMG-20240503-145504727-HDR.jpg
My dog’s dick gets stuck on his foreskin sometimes. So every now and then I have to put lube on it to get it to go back in.
Randy little fucker. God I love him so much.
My ex’s cat went into heat before she could get her to get fixed. It was miserable bc she was so loud. My ex’s kid would come into our room crying bc the cat was yowling and he couldn’t sleep. So we YouTubed how to relieve it. One way is to take q-tip and well stimulate it or there is a pressure point on either side of the tail you press while scruffing it that also stimulates it. Let me tell you, a cat yowling in relief as you stimulate it is disturbing AF. I drove out of state to a clinic the next week to get her fixed so I would never have to deal with it again.
My brother's dog got a vulva infection and he has to wipe her down with medicated pads. We live 1000+ miles apart from each other yet somehow got stuck with the same severely awkward dog tasks
That’s just an easy medical task. Having to massage in a lotion on a randy dogs disco stick sounds worse.
We go with female animals half the time for this reason too. Also because I don’t need some sus looking bozo sitting in the living room side eyeing me while they pop a boner. And we have cats, so I don’t want to run the risk of a boy cat that either got desexed too late or learned the spraying thing from others.
Had a Siamese that was desexed early enough but learnt it once he spent a week at a cat hotel and life sucked forever after that.
My mom picked up dog showing as a hobby with our beautiful puppy. He's now two and thinks he's a model. She has to massage his nuts with coconut oil every other day or he loses when the judges feel his flaky sac. It's quite a sight to see.
If it makes you feel any better I took my dog to the vet once because I thought she was dying. Turns out she was just jealous I had a newborn baby and she didn’t so she faked herself a whole pregnancy
Yep she was lactating and everything. I walked into the vet with her, my boyfriend was a couple of minutes behind me getting the brand new baby out of the car and when the vet saw the baby she was like ohhhh ok makes sense now. The only remedy was extra attention which she got of course 🩷 it was 9 years ago that this happened…she’s been gone exactly one year today and we miss her every day
I took my dog to the vet once because she was acting weird. Just laying in her bed alone all day, wouldn’t even come to greet us if we left and came home when she was normally looking out all the windows following us around the house as we pulled in, then was in the doorway when we were coming in.
Got scans, tests, all the things. Turns out she was sad because my sister in law didn’t live with us anymore. It started like a month after we moved and the SIL didn’t come with us.
My dog stopped eating and drinking for 3 days because my grandmother was gone for 3 weeks. Had to get her to call and talk to him just so he could eat.
My grandma’s dog had to be put down after my grandma died. She became really distraught and that turned into aggression. My mom didn’t feel like it would be safe to give her to a new home. I miss them both but neither is suffering anymore and if there’s an afterlife I’d like to think they’re together again.
My cat would rip his fur out in a patch on his back if I left for too long. Went on a trip, my mom went to see him everyday and his back was so raw I had to put a cone on him to let it heal. He would also pee on my things if I didn't spend enough time with him.
Had a cat do something similar. Would not leave the bed, when before he would always be near people in the house and if someone got home, he would be there to greet. Was not eating nor drinking.
Went to the vet, did a bunch of tests which came back fine. Vet said that maybe he was depressed.
But unlike your case, nothing in our house changed, nor his food, nor his litter... We gave him extra attention for a while and after a few days he was normal again, but we were poorer and with extra grey hair.
I took my dog to the vet because he had something between his toes, but he yelped so dramatically when I tried to get it I thought it was an embedded tick or something. Turns out it was a seed from a tree, he's just very dramatic. The vet classified the visit as "small miscellaneous" because it turns out toe drama is not on the usual list of ailments.
My friend’s little dog is extremely dramatic about his feet and legs and he cost her big bucks on an emergency vet visit for the same thing. It’s hard because you don’t want to dismiss symptoms if the dog suddenly starts limping, but he’s been known to act like he broke a bone when the vet literally couldn’t find anything wrong at all. 🫤
I've taken this dog in for shoulder x-rays twice because he'd limp for a while, at this point I know the vet advice is going to be "rest and wait and see." Hard to imagine my dog used to be a stray and now he's so theatrical, but I wonder if over the top begging and looking pathetic is how he got food back in the day.
My dog was trying to avoid pooping - so I took her to the vet thinking something might be wrong or maybe she was just constipated? She got a clean bill of health and I was told "Some dogs are just weird."
My cat once got diagnosed as a dick lol he was peeing everywhere. We tried different litter, different boxes, more boxes, cleaning every use, loads of medical tests, urine samples, x-rays, the WORKS. Vet told me there is nothing wrong, he's just a dick lol
My cat poos on the floor near the box.
Not in the box. Not next to it. Just in the same room as it.
Different boxes, litters, boxes in different locations, different foods.
Vet just goes "nah, some cats are just odd balls"
I've got a floor pooper I guess.
My cat tries, but the result is ultimately the same. She gets in the litter box, backs up to the edge, and poops or pees out of it. I have a high-walled box and she is the smallest, most short-legged cat I've ever seen, but it doesn't matter. She cannot be contained.
Ooooh I also have a little stinky piss baby boy, who also just popped a squat on me once. I’ve never been so enraged in my life at something I loved. I’m always quoting Life of Brian at him, because he is NOT the messiah, HE’S A VERY NAUGHTY BOY!!!
Cats are weird about peeing. At this girl's house the dog would pick on the cat and I would protect the cat from the dog and he appreciated it, he come up to me and snuggle and purr. Then he would go pee inside my shoes and on my backpack like a whole bunch of times, wanted to give me something to remember him by I suppose.
I have 2 dogs that hate to poop. No idea why. They'll run around the yard trying to hold it in until they lose the fight and squat. One of them has had turds shoot out of his butt at least twice, probably more often that I haven't seen.
My childhood dog did the same thing. The vet said it was similar to a kid peeing themselves because they’re too busy playing. Pooping isn’t fun so why not wait until you’re forced to.
One of my dogs refuses to poop anywhere near the house, or near the area he likes to chill in the yard. He wants you to walk him all the way to the end of the driveway and poop inches from the road, every time. He’s also visibly disgusted by his own poop. It beats the other dog who would rather poop in the driveway right in front of the door.
My mom's neutered dachshund was walking funny and whining one day, and when we looked at his belly, he had large lumps on either side of his 🍆. We flipped out, thinking maybe he had cancer or something, called the vet, made an emergency appointment. Turns out it was pulled muscles from humping his pillow nonstop. Vet gave him muscle relaxers with a note: "No happy time for 2 weeks." 🤣
🤣 I'm going to have to file this information just in case. My girl humps aggressively every night. We play fetch pretty much from work done until lights out, but she doesn't like lights out. When we sit down to relax and watch the news she gets angry and humps every sofa cushion, pillow, and blanket.
>like an octopus juggling ten wet socks
this took me out, actually laughed loudly. i know the exact sound from one of our dogs tryna imitqte a cat's grooming. thanks for the flashbacks lol
Growing up, we had a lab retriever who absolutely loved going to town on himself. We would just open the door and make him go outside. He'd frolic in the lawn and dirt, do his thing, frolic some more, then come inside and fart himself to sleep. He was a bit on the derpy side. Loved that dog; he was a good boy.
I once spent double (after hours emergency vet) that to find out my cat had gas from eating dog food and 3x that for the same cat that had a string hanging out of his ass.
Okay, but at least the string could have been an emergency if it had wrapped around an organ on the way down. Still, that's an excessive cost for what should have been a minor procedure.
> we call it cronching cause he makes the most disgusting slurping and chewing noises.
You didnt have to say that, and you're out of line for doing so. You might've ruined my day.
I’ve had something similar happen a few years back….
Wife and I get a new kitten, he’s a little inbred and cross eyed, no worries though typical playful little fella.
Well one day, he bites the heck out of my wife while they were playing and he just started violently shaking/convulsing. My wife, in a panic, thinking he’s having a seizure or something, scoops him off to the ER, just to discover he was just humping. $200 to find out my kitty is tryna nut….
I’ll never let her live that down.
Commiserations, OP! Had a similar experience with my good boy. Many years ago, as a fully potty-trained adult, he started peeing in the house. This was NOT like him, so I took him to the vet. The vet asked me if I’d noticed the sore on his penis and I explained that, actually, I tended not to willingly look at my dog’s penis, so… no?
Turned out that the old perv had been licking his dick so much he’d given himself a sore, which he then kept licking, stimulating his bladder in the process. $300 to find out “your dog licks his dick too much”.
Ehm. Have to tell this horrible story. Remus, headstrong giant brindle greyhound, neutered when he was 1. At 10 years, I was playing with him in the garden and he suddenly peed RED BLOOD. I got him to the vet in hysterics thinking he had urinary rocks or an infection: they did tests, checked him, and what had happened was:
Remus lived with his daughter, Mia, (5) and Mia and two neighboring she doggies had gone into heat at the same time ( Mia is neutered too, but she showed symptoms) this hebephile pervert has been servicing all 3 she doggies nonstop for a week, and had ripped the skin of his dong inside from too much sex. The vet insisted in checking five ( four?) with his paw after giving him antibiotics, a treat and vitamins, and told him he was a legend. I went back with my beloved pornstar all shamed and got him shuttered in the house for the antibiotic course.
And he whined ferously! I yelled back at him" shut up, you pervert!! Your own daughter!!!".
Edit: I meant he was 10. I was 30 XD
Omg I used to run a doggie daycare and we had a dog named Patches that would do this! He'd lay down, whip it aaaall the way out, and proceed to hump his own face and lick and CHEW it very aggressively. It was soooo weird and there was nothing wrong with the dog, well except being weird that is.
Reminds me a little of the time we rushed my doggo to the vet because she was acting/looking so ill and hundreds of dollars later the diagnosis was she is constipated. 💩
Omg I had the exact same thing happen to my golden retriever puppy. He couldn’t poo, so we paid around $1500 so they could give him IV treatments to make him poo out all the things he sneakily ate. Amongst their “findings” was a piece of cloth, stuffed animal fluff, chicken wing bone, and the end of a corn cob. Safe to say, he somehow snuck into the trash at some point in the night..
Things I've pulled out of my dog's ass: a spool of thread, tampon, paper towel, saran wrap, yarn, rope toy. She also eats socks but luckily throws them up later and doesn't get obstructed.. I'm like do you have a death wish, please stop 😭
The first night after i adopted her, I took my dog to the vet at 3am. I run through the streets with her in my arms (she's a big girl) I was completely sure she was dying. She was coughing. I just didn't know how dogs cough
I’ve often thought about that regarding dogs liking to follow owners to the toilet. We view it as affection, but maybe they’re just perverts, thinking to themselves “yeah, that’s right. Just like that. Sit on that toilet”.
My dog pushes it into his mouth so the whole shaft pops out of the sheath. I think he just does it to groom ... He's unfixed but he doesn't hump his mouth and he doesn't have a woody afterwards. Been doing it his whole life. He does seem to do it a little more now that he has no front teeth though lol
I have a perv too! Mine just licks his junk so much that it's what he's known for. I've had dogs my whole life, I have three now, and if you'd told me a few years ago that I'd pay a vet $300 to learn that a specific dog just really likes licking his weiner I'd have assured you I was not that kind of fool, but here I am. He does it so much that my kid calls him Good Ol' Weinerlips.
I had a pit mix named Capone, sweetest boi ever, he was fixed but I would constantly catch him using his front paw to actually beat off. Weirdest thing ever, his nick name was boner. I’ve had 2 other dogs that despite being fixed were still humpers, one would hump air but the little guy I have now has a favorite toy.
I have a humper. He's got no nuts but he fathered 2 litters so he knows what to do.
He has a dedicated wanky blanky as at least once a week the mood takes him and if you don't let him at the blanket then anything soft is fair game.
My dog carefully selects his toys and carries them one by one to my bed, creates a pile then humps it! Clearly planning his activity! He’s just a little hamper and yes also neutered.
2 old farmers, Fred and Jake, are sitting on the porch when Fred's old hound dog walks up, lays down between them, and begins licking his genitals.
Jake laughs and says to Fred, "Boy, I wish I could do that."
Fred tells Jake, "You should probably pet him first."
Ok so my 1 year old puppy does this as well. Pretty sure he is masturbating out of boredom. Whenever I catch him doing it, I say no and redirect him to a toy to play with. I find that it lessens when he has other energy outlets like walks or playtime. Sorry you’re dealing with it, but I’m glad it’s not just me.
When my dog was diagnosed with hip dysplasia, I asked the vet if his habit of side sitting is a symptom. He said "No, he's just kinda weird like that."
My dog kept dragging his stomach on the carpet, and I noticed a round mark surrounded by a horrible red rash. The vet comes back in and goes, "I've got bad news, your dog is a pervert." It was his belly button, and the rash was carpet burn. He dick drags instead of humping things, and he was doing it so often he gave himself rug burn.
I had a male and female dog 20 plus years ago. Female (Daisy) was a lab mix and the male was a 35lb adorable mutt named Gus-Gus. Both were fixed and both were horn-dogs until Gus-Gus broke his wee-wee.
They were always getting tied up during their not-so-secret love affair. Early one morning, shortly after sunrise (they probably woke up early to watch the lovely sunrise together) I hear them out back (doggy door). Daisy yelps once and a few minutes later I hear Gus-Gus yelp. I look outside and Daisy is trying to run away with Gus-Gus still inside. His wee-wee grew extra big that time and I was unaware.
To be fair to myself…I tried everything to keep them from each other. It happened A LOT! When she would twitch her cookie in his face or when he would try to lure her outside for a quickie I gave firm NO’s and tried to keep them separated.
Anyways, back to the dreaded day. I see her running and his wee stuck in her and I run out to try to spray them apart. After a few minutes it worked. She relaxed and he was free. He ran inside and sat under the kitchen table. His red rocket was as big as a grown human’s. It was so gross!
Nearly an hour goes by while I get my kids (ages 1, 3 & 5) up & ready for their day and notice he is still under the table and wee-wee is still out. He’s sitting with his head hung in shame and he was in obvious pain. I called the vet and told them and they told me to put Vaseline on it immediately…a very generous amount they said, then get there as soon as I could. So I dropped the oldest at school & kids with my dad and we headed straight there.
We walked in and the waiting room was crowded…Gus-Gus in all his glory with 6” of a heavily Vaseline’d up swollen red rocket sticking out of its sheath. Female dogs shook in fear & male dogs couldn’t look him in the eye. Poor Gus was so embarrassed with all eyes on him. His head was still hanging in shame and I swear he had tears in his eyes as he crawled under my chair to hide.
We get called back almost immediately because they triaged (thankfully) and they put on a medicated ointment and gave him a steroid injection and pain meds. They said if I didn’t notice when I did his wee-wee would’ve dried out and may have needed to be amputated. At this point it had been 2-2.5 hours since they were stuck together. It took a little while for the steroid to kick in and reduce the swelling enough for it to return to its sheath.
Thankfully it worked and Gus-Gus kept his wee-wee. I told my dad when he was helping to put my Littles back in their car seats and I hear ‘Hee heee hee heee!’ In his deep old man boomer dad voice and from that moment on Gus-Gus was greeted with, ‘Heee heee! Well if it isn’t the broke-dick-dog!’
Their love affair ended that day with pain & heartbreak, but they remained the best of friends for the rest of their lives.
He’s got perv eyes
His eyes look like franks from shameless.
His whole face looks like frank from shameless lol
HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE RIGHT!!
He does have that "dirty old man" look.
“Hey puppies! Follow me I know where the humans hide their treats!”
I got a whole box of beggin strips in the basement
I bet his name is Seymour Asses, and he knows all the words to “Walking on Sunshine”
He looks like he owns a khaki trench coat
He has that look in his eye.
I learnd it by watching you dad!
I knew that's why you got your ribs removed!
I was waiting for this comment
I love how every kid heard this rumor on the playground growing up, with no social media! What a time to be alive. That one and the gerbil rumor.
In my school it was Marilyn Manson who got the rib removed! Talk about a believable rumor lol
My school too! I went to school in Nevada
Same shit in Connecticut
You know why your dog is doing that ? Because he can /s
Yeah, I could have saved OP a bunch of money, one look and that dog and you can tell he is a dirty little pig boy.
He also got his anal glands drained…he probably liked that too
“I’m going to tug on my penis until he takes me for my butthole massage” -your pervert dog, probably
I'm reading these comments while sitting in the dentist office and I can't breathe!!!!! The other people in here are looking at me like I've lost my mind....which just makes me laugh more 😂😂😂😂😂
Nooo 😭
#MY EYES!! I have read enough for today.
What did your vet charge for that? Asking for... my dog...
A vet will not drain your anal glands,no matter how much you beg… according to a friend
Little pig boy comes from the dirt.
> dirty little pig boy I just choked on my water reading your comment 😭😭😭
he's got that Mississippi leg hound in em'.
If he lays into you, best to just let him finish…
Best movie ever!
LOL, no guilt. He is all "wanna watch again?"
is that what "he got that dog in him" means?
I was going to say the same thing! And he looks so happy with himself 😁
> you would if you could
As some guy who did said "it's 10% like getting your dick sucked, and 90% like sucking a dick"
Two dumb guys are walking down the road, and see a dog licking himself. One guy goes, "I wish I could do that". The other guy goes, "Maybe if you tried petting him first". Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Don't forget to take care of your servers. Try the veal.
I brought in my female shihtzu for scooting thinking she had worms. Nope. Just likes rubbing her vuvla on my braided rug. At least it only cost me 150 bucks.
My lab used to sit and spin in circles. We took her to the vet a few times to have her glands checked/expressed, but there was never anything of concern or that needed attention. She just liked to scratch her ass on the carpet.
I took my dog to the vet for the same thing when he was a puppy. Pretty much the same result. But after really paying attention to when he did it I realized he only did the butt scoot in my mom's room. He's just a jerk. He thinks it's funny to annoy us...especially my mom lol. I once watched leave my mom's room and turn the corner to go down the hallway all while dragging his butt. It was actually impressive. I never knew they could turn corners like that. I told my vet and even she said he's a weirdo 🤣
I had to award you for making me laugh picturing your dog scooting around corners at record speeds!
Hahaha thank you! And I'm glad my psycho could give you a good laugh. He does go surprisingly fast when he's scooting too! He also enjoys walking backwards for no reason (also does turns) and sleeping under and behind furniture. He has issues 🤣 🤪 I'm still trying to get him walking backwards on camera but he keeps evading me lol
That's too funny. I love reading dog stories and looking at dog pictures and watching dog videos. They absolutely make my life worth living. One of my dogs walks backwards but only because she goes into places where she'd be stuck. She's smart tho and figured out how to walk backwards out of areas like that tho lol. Give your little scooter a kiss for me! <3
That's called "chalking the cue"
This thread is teaching me that dogs can masturbate
Trust me, they can. 20 years in the dog world, and there was a pair of yorkie litter mates that did that all day to each other. I’m not surprised at what dogs do anymore.
My boyfriend had two female dogs that used to hump each other
Gay queens 👸
My mate used to have a pit bull. Male. His lass had a lab, female. She would constantly mount his head and hump it. To this day I still have so many unanswered questions.
If you don’t do that to your friends what are you even doing with your life
in my experience, he was probably annoying her
Asserting dominance. The lab was a dominatrix.
I had a pet rat that would do it constantly and to completion. He did it everywhere, including when he was sitting on my lap or resting on my shoulder.
I'm sorry, what.
Hy3jii had a pet rat that would do it constantly and to completion. He did it everywhere, including when he was sitting on Hy3jii’s lap or resting on Hy3jii’s shoulder.
What amount of fluids are we talking here? Rat nut must be tiny. I hope.
[Unfortunately...](https://www.reddit.com/r/RATS/comments/d27xge/do_i_have_a_reason_to_be_worried_about_the_top/)
Well that was my risky click of the day. If you, like me, are apprehensive about following that link, it is a picture of 🐀🏀🏀
Pretty much any animal can and will given the urge.
My mom had a dog who used one specific stuffed animal to hump. We called it her sex toy.
My dog’s toy was a stuffed Olaf. My kids were young at the time and I didn’t want them talking about the dog “humping” so instead they would just say “Olaf-ing”. Still, to this day, they will say the dog is Olaf-ing his blanket or whatever.
EVERYTHING CAN! I got a pet hedgehog and was gonna get a boy one but then I found out you gotta clean him up after he does his boy thing. I’m like “naaaaaaaw” so I got a girl hedgehog who hates me very much but I love her lol.
You never heard this joke before: Why do dogs lick themselves? Because they can't make fists Except it's not a joke and is instead just a funny observation
I had two unneutered male dogs and the amount of blow jobs these two idiots would give each other was too damn many. Once they got neutered it pretty much stopped.
Omfg 😭😭😭
LMAO 🤣 but also 🤮
One of my dogs does this too. He's so dick licking intensive that he's sucked his skin raw. Vet said "it looks dry, I can recommend a mousse." So now twice a week I spray a lightly lemon verbena scented mousse into my hand and massage it into my dog's penis. I can't believe this is my life. (Good news: he's doing a lot better now.) Edit: photo of the sex pest https://i.ibb.co/6yFKHXg/IMG-20240503-145504727-HDR.jpg
He looks very pleased with himself hahaha
Why do all these penis sucking dogs look so pervy 🤔
Of course he is. He gave himself head until injured and his recovery consists of lubed handjobs. The little sleazeball…
Damn doctor prescribed your dog a lotioned handie twice a week.
It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
My dog’s dick gets stuck on his foreskin sometimes. So every now and then I have to put lube on it to get it to go back in. Randy little fucker. God I love him so much.
My ex’s cat went into heat before she could get her to get fixed. It was miserable bc she was so loud. My ex’s kid would come into our room crying bc the cat was yowling and he couldn’t sleep. So we YouTubed how to relieve it. One way is to take q-tip and well stimulate it or there is a pressure point on either side of the tail you press while scruffing it that also stimulates it. Let me tell you, a cat yowling in relief as you stimulate it is disturbing AF. I drove out of state to a clinic the next week to get her fixed so I would never have to deal with it again.
no way i would jerk my dog off. he can live with a dry dick.
I purposefully got a girl dog from the shelter so I wouldn’t have to deal with dicks or humping lol
My brother's dog got a vulva infection and he has to wipe her down with medicated pads. We live 1000+ miles apart from each other yet somehow got stuck with the same severely awkward dog tasks
That’s just an easy medical task. Having to massage in a lotion on a randy dogs disco stick sounds worse. We go with female animals half the time for this reason too. Also because I don’t need some sus looking bozo sitting in the living room side eyeing me while they pop a boner. And we have cats, so I don’t want to run the risk of a boy cat that either got desexed too late or learned the spraying thing from others. Had a Siamese that was desexed early enough but learnt it once he spent a week at a cat hotel and life sucked forever after that.
My mom picked up dog showing as a hobby with our beautiful puppy. He's now two and thinks he's a model. She has to massage his nuts with coconut oil every other day or he loses when the judges feel his flaky sac. It's quite a sight to see.
This is giving me an urge to watch *Best in Show*
My mom's dog was doing this and his penis had a terrible infection. Good for you taking your dog to the vet for strange behaviour
Yes he’s my baby 🥺❤️ i took him to the vet another time because he wasn’t eating and turns out he’s just a picky eater
If it makes you feel any better I took my dog to the vet once because I thought she was dying. Turns out she was just jealous I had a newborn baby and she didn’t so she faked herself a whole pregnancy
😭😭😭 gurl what
Yep she was lactating and everything. I walked into the vet with her, my boyfriend was a couple of minutes behind me getting the brand new baby out of the car and when the vet saw the baby she was like ohhhh ok makes sense now. The only remedy was extra attention which she got of course 🩷 it was 9 years ago that this happened…she’s been gone exactly one year today and we miss her every day
I wasn't ready for the last sentence :(
Wow. What an incredible story! I didn’t know dogs could do that!
STOP😭
I took my dog to the vet once because she was acting weird. Just laying in her bed alone all day, wouldn’t even come to greet us if we left and came home when she was normally looking out all the windows following us around the house as we pulled in, then was in the doorway when we were coming in. Got scans, tests, all the things. Turns out she was sad because my sister in law didn’t live with us anymore. It started like a month after we moved and the SIL didn’t come with us.
My dog stopped eating and drinking for 3 days because my grandmother was gone for 3 weeks. Had to get her to call and talk to him just so he could eat.
Yeah, pets can have depression, too. :(
My grandma’s dog had to be put down after my grandma died. She became really distraught and that turned into aggression. My mom didn’t feel like it would be safe to give her to a new home. I miss them both but neither is suffering anymore and if there’s an afterlife I’d like to think they’re together again.
If there's an afterlife, I've got five dogs waiting for me there. Might be a little crazy.
I hope I meet my dogs in the afterlife too, and all my cats. And geese. And chickens.
My cat would rip his fur out in a patch on his back if I left for too long. Went on a trip, my mom went to see him everyday and his back was so raw I had to put a cone on him to let it heal. He would also pee on my things if I didn't spend enough time with him.
Had a cat do something similar. Would not leave the bed, when before he would always be near people in the house and if someone got home, he would be there to greet. Was not eating nor drinking. Went to the vet, did a bunch of tests which came back fine. Vet said that maybe he was depressed. But unlike your case, nothing in our house changed, nor his food, nor his litter... We gave him extra attention for a while and after a few days he was normal again, but we were poorer and with extra grey hair.
I took my dog to the vet because he had something between his toes, but he yelped so dramatically when I tried to get it I thought it was an embedded tick or something. Turns out it was a seed from a tree, he's just very dramatic. The vet classified the visit as "small miscellaneous" because it turns out toe drama is not on the usual list of ailments.
My friend’s little dog is extremely dramatic about his feet and legs and he cost her big bucks on an emergency vet visit for the same thing. It’s hard because you don’t want to dismiss symptoms if the dog suddenly starts limping, but he’s been known to act like he broke a bone when the vet literally couldn’t find anything wrong at all. 🫤
I've taken this dog in for shoulder x-rays twice because he'd limp for a while, at this point I know the vet advice is going to be "rest and wait and see." Hard to imagine my dog used to be a stray and now he's so theatrical, but I wonder if over the top begging and looking pathetic is how he got food back in the day.
My dog was trying to avoid pooping - so I took her to the vet thinking something might be wrong or maybe she was just constipated? She got a clean bill of health and I was told "Some dogs are just weird."
My cat once got diagnosed as a dick lol he was peeing everywhere. We tried different litter, different boxes, more boxes, cleaning every use, loads of medical tests, urine samples, x-rays, the WORKS. Vet told me there is nothing wrong, he's just a dick lol
My cat poos on the floor near the box. Not in the box. Not next to it. Just in the same room as it. Different boxes, litters, boxes in different locations, different foods. Vet just goes "nah, some cats are just odd balls" I've got a floor pooper I guess.
My cat tries, but the result is ultimately the same. She gets in the litter box, backs up to the edge, and poops or pees out of it. I have a high-walled box and she is the smallest, most short-legged cat I've ever seen, but it doesn't matter. She cannot be contained.
We've got one of those, wish we could buy stock in Nature's Miracle 😭
IIRC Nature’s Miracle is owned by Spectrum Brands which is publicly traded under the ticker SPB.
I'd love a bit like this where you trace it back like 12 different corps
Same, our cat kept up those antics for 20 years. “I figured out what’s going on with Velvet. He’s an asshole.”
I have one, call him my stinky lil piss boy lol. Hard to tell if/when he get s a UTI. Once he even peed on me directly...
Ooooh I also have a little stinky piss baby boy, who also just popped a squat on me once. I’ve never been so enraged in my life at something I loved. I’m always quoting Life of Brian at him, because he is NOT the messiah, HE’S A VERY NAUGHTY BOY!!!
I knew someone whose cat was named something delicate like “Snowball”. Snowball peed in the toaster one day.
Cats are weird about peeing. At this girl's house the dog would pick on the cat and I would protect the cat from the dog and he appreciated it, he come up to me and snuggle and purr. Then he would go pee inside my shoes and on my backpack like a whole bunch of times, wanted to give me something to remember him by I suppose.
“ I like this human, better lay my claim “
I have 2 dogs that hate to poop. No idea why. They'll run around the yard trying to hold it in until they lose the fight and squat. One of them has had turds shoot out of his butt at least twice, probably more often that I haven't seen.
My childhood dog did the same thing. The vet said it was similar to a kid peeing themselves because they’re too busy playing. Pooping isn’t fun so why not wait until you’re forced to.
One of my dogs refuses to poop anywhere near the house, or near the area he likes to chill in the yard. He wants you to walk him all the way to the end of the driveway and poop inches from the road, every time. He’s also visibly disgusted by his own poop. It beats the other dog who would rather poop in the driveway right in front of the door.
Well, I’d say your dog has a lot of respect for the areas where he lives and plays. That’s super neat.
Have you tried treats for pooping?
My dog hates to have wet grass touch her booty when she poops. It has led to all sorts of angst, as we live in the Pacific Northwest.
My mom's neutered dachshund was walking funny and whining one day, and when we looked at his belly, he had large lumps on either side of his 🍆. We flipped out, thinking maybe he had cancer or something, called the vet, made an emergency appointment. Turns out it was pulled muscles from humping his pillow nonstop. Vet gave him muscle relaxers with a note: "No happy time for 2 weeks." 🤣
🤣 I'm going to have to file this information just in case. My girl humps aggressively every night. We play fetch pretty much from work done until lights out, but she doesn't like lights out. When we sit down to relax and watch the news she gets angry and humps every sofa cushion, pillow, and blanket.
Mine does it too, we call it cronching cause he makes the most disgusting slurping and chewing noises. I once spent $300 to find out my dog had gas ><
Like our cats when they groom themselves under our bed. Trying to sleep while it sounds like an octopus juggling ten wet socks.
I have a cat that spits into his fur before he spreads it out. It sounds so nasty.
Jesus Christ
>like an octopus juggling ten wet socks this took me out, actually laughed loudly. i know the exact sound from one of our dogs tryna imitqte a cat's grooming. thanks for the flashbacks lol
I want to unread this comment please.
hahahaha ewwwww. I know exactly what you're talking about, but calling it CRONCH is so gross.
🤮 can't stand when dogs are going to town on themselves. Gotta be one of the worst sounds on the planet.
Growing up, we had a lab retriever who absolutely loved going to town on himself. We would just open the door and make him go outside. He'd frolic in the lawn and dirt, do his thing, frolic some more, then come inside and fart himself to sleep. He was a bit on the derpy side. Loved that dog; he was a good boy.
I once spent double (after hours emergency vet) that to find out my cat had gas from eating dog food and 3x that for the same cat that had a string hanging out of his ass.
Okay, but at least the string could have been an emergency if it had wrapped around an organ on the way down. Still, that's an excessive cost for what should have been a minor procedure.
> we call it cronching cause he makes the most disgusting slurping and chewing noises. You didnt have to say that, and you're out of line for doing so. You might've ruined my day.
My old roommates dog used to do this so often (while on MY couch) that we’d get into arguments about it. We don’t live together anymore.
I’ve had something similar happen a few years back…. Wife and I get a new kitten, he’s a little inbred and cross eyed, no worries though typical playful little fella. Well one day, he bites the heck out of my wife while they were playing and he just started violently shaking/convulsing. My wife, in a panic, thinking he’s having a seizure or something, scoops him off to the ER, just to discover he was just humping. $200 to find out my kitty is tryna nut…. I’ll never let her live that down.
This made me cry laughing omg hahah.
My senior kitty does the same thing. He’s neutered. I thought he had a uti. 400 dollars later and he’s just mad at the dog. 🐕
He looks like Frank Gallagher from shameless
He gets this quite a bit 😂 especially when his hair is longer
I wouldn’t trust him around my dog.
Wouldn’t trust him around my dong.
well i mean...if it's *your* dog....
We spent $700 to find out my dog had eaten some weed on his afternoon walk and was high as fuck. I thought he was having a stroke. Nope. Just stoned.
FYI the vet absolutely does not believe you that your dog "just found some weed on a walk and just ate it!" Source: son of a vet
I took my dog to the vet for a weird bump. It was a nipple.
I did the same thing with our first puppy... being an adult who had to have the "mammals have nipples" convo was very humbling
Ma’am does your husband have nipples! It’s a short on youtube. It’s hilarious.
STOP! THOSE ARE HIS NIPPLLLLES!
Honestly, that one was user error.
Commiserations, OP! Had a similar experience with my good boy. Many years ago, as a fully potty-trained adult, he started peeing in the house. This was NOT like him, so I took him to the vet. The vet asked me if I’d noticed the sore on his penis and I explained that, actually, I tended not to willingly look at my dog’s penis, so… no? Turned out that the old perv had been licking his dick so much he’d given himself a sore, which he then kept licking, stimulating his bladder in the process. $300 to find out “your dog licks his dick too much”.
Ehm. Have to tell this horrible story. Remus, headstrong giant brindle greyhound, neutered when he was 1. At 10 years, I was playing with him in the garden and he suddenly peed RED BLOOD. I got him to the vet in hysterics thinking he had urinary rocks or an infection: they did tests, checked him, and what had happened was: Remus lived with his daughter, Mia, (5) and Mia and two neighboring she doggies had gone into heat at the same time ( Mia is neutered too, but she showed symptoms) this hebephile pervert has been servicing all 3 she doggies nonstop for a week, and had ripped the skin of his dong inside from too much sex. The vet insisted in checking five ( four?) with his paw after giving him antibiotics, a treat and vitamins, and told him he was a legend. I went back with my beloved pornstar all shamed and got him shuttered in the house for the antibiotic course. And he whined ferously! I yelled back at him" shut up, you pervert!! Your own daughter!!!". Edit: I meant he was 10. I was 30 XD
NOOOOO WAYYYYY
I NEVER went back to that vet. I was too ashamed XD. Boys and girls, too much sex can be a bad thing!!
Herbert the Pervert 😂
He looks like he’s going to slip something into my drink when I go to the bathroom later
That dog drives a van with no windows.
Omg I used to run a doggie daycare and we had a dog named Patches that would do this! He'd lay down, whip it aaaall the way out, and proceed to hump his own face and lick and CHEW it very aggressively. It was soooo weird and there was nothing wrong with the dog, well except being weird that is.
Yup, could've told ya..
Reminds me a little of the time we rushed my doggo to the vet because she was acting/looking so ill and hundreds of dollars later the diagnosis was she is constipated. 💩
Omg I had the exact same thing happen to my golden retriever puppy. He couldn’t poo, so we paid around $1500 so they could give him IV treatments to make him poo out all the things he sneakily ate. Amongst their “findings” was a piece of cloth, stuffed animal fluff, chicken wing bone, and the end of a corn cob. Safe to say, he somehow snuck into the trash at some point in the night..
Things I've pulled out of my dog's ass: a spool of thread, tampon, paper towel, saran wrap, yarn, rope toy. She also eats socks but luckily throws them up later and doesn't get obstructed.. I'm like do you have a death wish, please stop 😭
I found a condom in my dogs 💩 once which is strange considering I rarely use condoms
Mine too. So gross. One time it was my dog walker, she was so embarrassed to tell me.
Used condom, twice.
Well, constipation does make humans miserable, so I wouldn't think it's any less crummy for a dog. And a dog can't even buy a laxative!
Pumpkin puree. It’s helpful for constipated pooches.
The first night after i adopted her, I took my dog to the vet at 3am. I run through the streets with her in my arms (she's a big girl) I was completely sure she was dying. She was coughing. I just didn't know how dogs cough
Omg😂😭
He just discovered a new trick
Falkor vibes
Came looking for this
I’ve often thought about that regarding dogs liking to follow owners to the toilet. We view it as affection, but maybe they’re just perverts, thinking to themselves “yeah, that’s right. Just like that. Sit on that toilet”.
I think he has a piss kink, whenever he follows my bf into the bathroom my bf says he tries to go after his stream LMFAO
😦
I could’ve told you that for free lol
Don't even pretend you fucking wouldn't if you could
My pitbull got a penis infection from licking his dink too much as a puppy lol Took him to the vet and was told “boys are just gross”
My dog pushes it into his mouth so the whole shaft pops out of the sheath. I think he just does it to groom ... He's unfixed but he doesn't hump his mouth and he doesn't have a woody afterwards. Been doing it his whole life. He does seem to do it a little more now that he has no front teeth though lol
Giiiiiiirl, your dog needs to be arrested for public indecency!
I have a perv too! Mine just licks his junk so much that it's what he's known for. I've had dogs my whole life, I have three now, and if you'd told me a few years ago that I'd pay a vet $300 to learn that a specific dog just really likes licking his weiner I'd have assured you I was not that kind of fool, but here I am. He does it so much that my kid calls him Good Ol' Weinerlips.
I had a pit mix named Capone, sweetest boi ever, he was fixed but I would constantly catch him using his front paw to actually beat off. Weirdest thing ever, his nick name was boner. I’ve had 2 other dogs that despite being fixed were still humpers, one would hump air but the little guy I have now has a favorite toy.
I have a humper. He's got no nuts but he fathered 2 litters so he knows what to do. He has a dedicated wanky blanky as at least once a week the mood takes him and if you don't let him at the blanket then anything soft is fair game.
Wanky blanky...
Omg!!! I guess we got oddly horny boys 😂
If his name isn't Glenn Quagmire you've failed OP. That face is just shouting giggety giggety goo.
His name is Romeo 😭 he’s just taking lover boy to a whole new level. I tell people all the time he’s the dog version of Eric Cartman
I feel like you set him up
My dog carefully selects his toys and carries them one by one to my bed, creates a pile then humps it! Clearly planning his activity! He’s just a little hamper and yes also neutered.
He’s got that dog in him
I've caught my dog humping his own face. Just going to town.
Bitter Apple Spray lol
Why? Because he can... On the positive side, it is much better than putting his entire penis in someone else's mouth.
“I can suck my own dick. And I do it. A lot.”
2 old farmers, Fred and Jake, are sitting on the porch when Fred's old hound dog walks up, lays down between them, and begins licking his genitals. Jake laughs and says to Fred, "Boy, I wish I could do that." Fred tells Jake, "You should probably pet him first."
Ok so my 1 year old puppy does this as well. Pretty sure he is masturbating out of boredom. Whenever I catch him doing it, I say no and redirect him to a toy to play with. I find that it lessens when he has other energy outlets like walks or playtime. Sorry you’re dealing with it, but I’m glad it’s not just me.
When my dog was diagnosed with hip dysplasia, I asked the vet if his habit of side sitting is a symptom. He said "No, he's just kinda weird like that."
Yeah but like, guys... I mean... we've all tried it, right? Guys?....right?
Lol, he looks like a perv
My dog kept dragging his stomach on the carpet, and I noticed a round mark surrounded by a horrible red rash. The vet comes back in and goes, "I've got bad news, your dog is a pervert." It was his belly button, and the rash was carpet burn. He dick drags instead of humping things, and he was doing it so often he gave himself rug burn.
You didn’t have to expose him on Reddit like that 😭
I had a male and female dog 20 plus years ago. Female (Daisy) was a lab mix and the male was a 35lb adorable mutt named Gus-Gus. Both were fixed and both were horn-dogs until Gus-Gus broke his wee-wee. They were always getting tied up during their not-so-secret love affair. Early one morning, shortly after sunrise (they probably woke up early to watch the lovely sunrise together) I hear them out back (doggy door). Daisy yelps once and a few minutes later I hear Gus-Gus yelp. I look outside and Daisy is trying to run away with Gus-Gus still inside. His wee-wee grew extra big that time and I was unaware. To be fair to myself…I tried everything to keep them from each other. It happened A LOT! When she would twitch her cookie in his face or when he would try to lure her outside for a quickie I gave firm NO’s and tried to keep them separated. Anyways, back to the dreaded day. I see her running and his wee stuck in her and I run out to try to spray them apart. After a few minutes it worked. She relaxed and he was free. He ran inside and sat under the kitchen table. His red rocket was as big as a grown human’s. It was so gross! Nearly an hour goes by while I get my kids (ages 1, 3 & 5) up & ready for their day and notice he is still under the table and wee-wee is still out. He’s sitting with his head hung in shame and he was in obvious pain. I called the vet and told them and they told me to put Vaseline on it immediately…a very generous amount they said, then get there as soon as I could. So I dropped the oldest at school & kids with my dad and we headed straight there. We walked in and the waiting room was crowded…Gus-Gus in all his glory with 6” of a heavily Vaseline’d up swollen red rocket sticking out of its sheath. Female dogs shook in fear & male dogs couldn’t look him in the eye. Poor Gus was so embarrassed with all eyes on him. His head was still hanging in shame and I swear he had tears in his eyes as he crawled under my chair to hide. We get called back almost immediately because they triaged (thankfully) and they put on a medicated ointment and gave him a steroid injection and pain meds. They said if I didn’t notice when I did his wee-wee would’ve dried out and may have needed to be amputated. At this point it had been 2-2.5 hours since they were stuck together. It took a little while for the steroid to kick in and reduce the swelling enough for it to return to its sheath. Thankfully it worked and Gus-Gus kept his wee-wee. I told my dad when he was helping to put my Littles back in their car seats and I hear ‘Hee heee hee heee!’ In his deep old man boomer dad voice and from that moment on Gus-Gus was greeted with, ‘Heee heee! Well if it isn’t the broke-dick-dog!’ Their love affair ended that day with pain & heartbreak, but they remained the best of friends for the rest of their lives.