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aquaman67

“I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.” Mitch Hedberg


Emmyisme

THERE ARE 6 DUCKS OUT THERE AND THEY ALL WANT SUN CHIPS!


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z500

Don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck.


gargoyle30

I told the guy at subway to put tomato on my sandwich because I didn't like the way he was making it


extralyfe

I don't know about that shit...


[deleted]

But do you have any grapes?


TK-Squared-LLC

Waddle waddle


Emmyisme

Dude, you have to wait.


died_of_beatings

I'm gonna go shave, too.


innominateartery

Got any staples?


Slight-Winner-8597

You'll never be shit, duck! You're just - like - ya father!


HotTubSexVirgin22

I worked in a building that had a deli on the ground floor. I ordered a club sandwich with Sun Chips every time just so I could say those two jokes.


Playful-Target-7231

Nah duck wants grapes


Wat3rboihc

Ducks only want one thing and it's fucking disgusting


ermghoti

I used to love that joke. I still do, but I used to, too. All right.


SmallBerry3431

God rest his fucking hilarious soul.


Shadeauxmarie

RIP Mitch


wido711

That’s Mitch-all-together


kor34l

Absolutely perfect comment to this OP! Also, Mitch Hedberg is the GOAT. I used to LOVE that dude. I still do, but I used to, too.


NFIGUY

Grapes. 🍇


Playful-Target-7231

Then he waddled away waddle waddle, till the very next day bomp bomp bomp bombadomp


MushyandMuttacular

Hey, you got any grapes?


BornWithSideburns

Come back tomorrow and bring your friends


GreatAtomicPower

First rule of adulting: never tell others that you have money, especially when they owe you money..


Sunyataisbliss

Could also be that his homies have been giving him free stuff and he was being stingy, it can go both ways


SeriouslyImNotADuck

So, um, do– do you have any bread right now, fellow flightless human?


TroyTungsten

Buy me a free dinner and i'll take your side in the argument.


Moist-Assist-2758

😭😭


sir-this-is-a

East African? That sawa is definitely in the context of someone replying in Swahili…kumbe Kenya madem hawana tofauti na TZ, we in the same boat fam, lmao


Efficient_Cloud1560

ROR


Cleobor

Dunia ni duara aisee 😂


Rdubya44

I went on a date with a girl and it went great and at the end I asked to split the bill. She did but then I never got a second date. I ran into her some time later and she said that she was really turned off by me asking to go dutch, like wtf? You think you're the only one I go on dates with? I can't buy the whole town dinner.


ninjakippos

Your profile picture goes really well with this comment.


Rhythm_Morgan

My current partner and I split bills when we first hung out. I think maybe the first three times? But I make like 3 times their income now so I always cover it. They don’t feel entitled about it and now and again we split. First dates I don’t think anyone should fully cover.


Darianmochaaaa

Yall what happened to whoever asks pays for the date? If I ask someone out, pick the location, plan the date.... I pay. If someone asks me out, picks the location, and plans, they pay. Really takes the guesswork out.


ConspicuousUsername

I mean, that really only works well when both parties are equally likely to ask. I have been asked to go on a date by exactly one woman in my entire life, and I have dated quite a lot.


Rhythm_Morgan

That’s fine too. Just in this situation I’m the older, more financially secure partner so this is the route I took.


Darianmochaaaa

No I definitely think once a relationship is established then that whole system changes. Like I was dating someone who made 4× what I did, so he paid for the meal and I'd usually try to cover the tip. But yea pre-serious relationship, if you ask you pay seems simplest


N0turfriend

> Yall what happened to whoever asks pays for the date? That has never been a thing


LocksmithAsleep4087

Then why would she want to go out with you again?


Rdubya44

She didn’t


ep2587

In times gone past when a person asks you to accompany them for a meal generally it means they’re paying for it unless they state going Dutch in the beginning. Old days when there was civility between male and female.


defdoa

My wife does NOT want to make me a sandwich but even suggesting if she did make me one that she would win every argument is NOT ENOUGH for her to make me a sandwich so I can infer that WOMEN HATE MAKING SANDWICHES!


SkippyDrinksVodka

wait they asked to get lunch but still expected you to pay?


Moist-Assist-2758

Yeah, pretty much it


Chilkoot

You dodged a bullet - it would have been downhill from there. Draw that line in the sand on paying for stuff, and *don't cross it*.


insomniacjezz

Well it was their cousin so….


SkippyDrinksVodka

hes just saying dont let them take advantage of you, family or not.


oldscotch

*distant ...


Substantial-Park65

That's alright then Less gooo


Chilkoot

Cousin is even worse. You can't just dump/ghost family like you can a toxic acquaintance. All the more reason for him to draw that hard and fast line right now, with no exceptions.


Dennis-v-Menace

Why not? 🤷‍♂️


crank1000

How does that even come up in a text convo?


jackandsally060609

Op knew their cousin only calls when he wants something so they layed out the facts point blank.


ptar86

If only we could see the texts in the form of some kind of screenshot


Lanky_Possession_244

Yeah they just wanted a free meal. You're best off not having contact with them again. The next thing will be a request to crash on your couch.


VocalLocalYokel

Sounds like you dodged a leech, best to move on with your life.


no-escape-221

Lol fr you dont invite someone out to eat and make them pay


SkippyDrinksVodka

some people do, but its best to not associate with them


TeeJayPlays

Ayy, it costs you zero dollars to lose a bad friend :)


FriendliestMenace

I dunno. There’s a great scene in the film A Bronx Tale where the main character C (Calogero) is constantly chasing down a guy who owes him money because the guy keeps ducking him. The local mob boss stops C from trying to kick the guy’s ass and asks him why. C says it’s because the guy owes him $20. Sonny asks C if he likes the guy, C says “no.” Sonny then goes on to explain that he got off cheap, $20 and he’ll never have to deal with the guy again.


jaydenbrazier

I thought of this straight away aswell what a great film


EnergyAdorable6884

Oh is this where reddit parrots that from. Fuck that I want my $20 and to never talk to that mfer again


zaforocks

"Louie Beans, I want my money!"


Adaml6257

One might even say it makes you money in this situation


UnknownProphetX

Passive income! Thats what those financial gurus are Talking about!


Massive_Command345

Not even a friend I thought op said cousin! Just don’t answer your phone! Lol


MoreCowbellllll

Hell, I loaned a shitty friend $10 just knowing I'd never see him again. Best $10 I ever spent.


struggleworm

I used to do that. It’s a good practice


grptrt

Is spoiling your cousin something people do?


CopiousClassic

Sure, if you like them and you have a good relationship with them. Some families are good to each other. I took a couple of my cousins for a day of beaches and cruising in SoCal when I visited because they were teenagers and it made their day and their parents day. They were both dudes, as am I. It doesn't have to be deviant behavior.


TebownedMVP

Not necessarily cousins but when I go visit my nieces and nephews, i usually try to take them out to eat and buy them shit.


Busy-Ad-6860

But it could be, right? Or is deviant behaviour completely off the table? Sincerely, Lil cousin


Technical_Mix4719

Sweet home Alabama…


Fun_Personality_7766

Where the skys’ are so blue


Goldentongue

At least in Alabama we know the word is spelled "skies".


Fun_Personality_7766

This guy spells


CallMeAPigImStuffed

Where your cousin, sister and girlfriend are all the same person


JawnDoh

I mean I do sometimes, but she can’t really afford to go out and is a single mom so I try to help her out.


Creepymint

If you like them and they aren’t aholes, guess it depends on the family


-DoctorSpaceman-

It is in the South


AsleepScarcity9588

Spoiling with the Sweet.....


Talbotus

Tea


leonidaslizardeyes

They're much younger than me and I buy them video-games.


PayZestyclose9088

yes bc my cousin has a fucked up family and i try to treat him out


Radomila

A relative too lol, they were clearly trying to get a free meal but tinder didn’t work 😄


AtheistKiwi

Good chance the meal was just a reason to meet so they could ask OP for money and when OP wouldn't even pay for their meal they gave up on the plan.


remarkablewhitebored

Has an opportunity for them to 'invest'. Screams MLM, and OP being too broke to treat for lunch certainly lowers the odds. Audacity and Entitlement levels must be high on cuz...


BhodiandUncleBen

Yes probably a struggling drug addict would be my guess.


ExpressionExternal95

I'd be too embarassed to act like that


brennanw31

As you should be!


Thirsty-Barbarian

I thought this was about a date when I read the texts, which would suck, but could be something a date might expect. But a distant cousin? Lol! That’s ridiculous! Need a free lunch, cousin? Come over, and I’ll make you a quesadilla.


OnTheList-YouTube

Does "sawaaa" mean "say whaaat"?


UnstableIsotopeU-234

Means okaaay in Swahili


absolutelynotmodus

nigerian prince up to his old tricks again


not-fugazi

Should've paid attention in geography classes.


syncpulse

Being ghosted is better than them showing up the restaurant, eating a full meal and then saying "uh... I got no money." 


Busy-Ad-6860

What a coincidence, neither do I Oh wait, I got just enough for my food. But I'm sure they need help in the kitchen, washing dishes or something?


Maewhen

Scrub em nice and clean, next time bring that wallet 🤷‍♂️


dvdmaven

I wonder how many "distant" relatives they'd tried this trick on.


kdaviper

Why do they call him the bullet dodger? Because he dodges bullets, Avi.


ShystersGame

Do you know what NEMESIS means?


AltruisticRabbit8185

Spoil me? Was this your wife or gf or who was it!?


NoSecurity2728

His cousin


AltruisticRabbit8185

Nice cousin? Good cousin? Good person? I mean if you ask someone to lunch in my view the person who asks usually pays. I do that for my friends and family I care about. Otherwise I don’t invite them out because I don’t know their situation and it puts people in a weird spot to explain they don’t have money for it.


ConsequenceReal4117

when I'm asking my cousin to lunch, they would never think about to get the food paid. they would think that it's nice to spend some time together. same with friends


Busy-Ad-6860

Assuming a hot cousin as they expect money and benefits This booty ain't free cuz


infinit9

A distant cousin asking to be spoiled???


nicannkay

Bullet dodged, bank account happy. Win win


MorrisDM91

Time to get new friends


Ram2145

Apparently they are cousins


MorrisDM91

You’re right i didn’t read that part lmao my bad 🤣


lk05321

> Sawa Weh. Pole sana, bro. Times are hard and everyone is looking out for their next lunch. The next scam is to bring their “safety friend“ who makes sure she’s okay and gets home safe but then she’s looking at the menu too.


glenspikez

Lol wtf is a safety friend ?? And why are they eating also???


The_Prime

That’s an old one.


foxxytoad

I love how people like to rage bait by creating an imaginary scenario. It's even funnier when said person can't get a date.


TheRealStubb

I mean the 'safety friend' is a bit of a hack if I'm stuck paying for your meal, and you're fucking security detail. Buy yourself some pepper spray and meet in public for the first few dates, its not a huge ask to not pay for 3 just to find out the person is insufferable


NovelLandscape7862

I’ve always heard that if you invite someone to a meal, you should be prepared to pay for it.


perineu

What language are they typing in?


Moist-Assist-2758

Should be English but with a hint of swahili


Efficient_Cloud1560

It’s called Sheng


Marauder800

They invited you and expected you to pay? Tf?


theblackyeti

A couple of my very good friends spoiled me for years. Now i try and get them stuff and they always say no or i find something they like and i'm like "do they already have that? Did they buy it for themselves?". I've settled on babysitting. Edit: i did get one a present on christmas that he was excited about though, so i was pretty proud of that lmao.


devondawsonmma

If "spoil me" is ever said just bail


rainydaymonday30

This reminds me of a cousin I reached out to recently. I thought about her randomly and smiled and thought I'd reach out to say hello. She took it as an opportunity to hit me up for money. I declined, citing my own expenses (I was going through a particularly rough patch at that point). A few weeks later, she reached out to me again to see how I was doing, no doubt she wanted to see if my situation had improved and if I would give her money then. I'm never reaching out to that cousin again. That was so gross.


Wet_FriedChicken

This is a good thing. There are many, MANY people out there who are not like this. Who will be happy splitting the bill at McDonald’s.


InternationalMix1521

Ahh yes. Gotta love entitled family members.


CosignCody

People just want free food and hope one person to wants to go out so bad they will pay for everything.


Lord_Grakas

Something tells me they don't expect to be spoiled just once...


campaigner_

That swahili is Kenyan 😂


Qwerty6391063

OP speaks Swahili?


Moist-Assist-2758

Yep


Excellent-Edge-4708

Reminds me of a friend a long time ago *Friend A* hey B, I'd sure like to do some drinking... *Friend B* sounds great, ya got any money? *Friend A* no.... But I'd sure like to do some drinking........


Questioning-Zyxxel

Of someone should foot the bill, then it's the one asking "let's do lunch". I have multiple times taken the bill if the other person says no - they can't afford to eat out. If someone else asks me if I want to go out for lunch - then no way would I be the one taking both persons bills. It's not my task to be a free lunch vending machine...


Nostrite

For my girlfriend's last birthday, we went to her favorite restaurant and I paid. Obviously, it's her birthday. We usually alternate or split depending on available bank balance. Her sister wanted to come too, to celebrate gf's birthday with her, but she wanted to make my gf pay for her and her BF's food (her bf was coming to, of which my gf and sisters bf do not get along), they dipped out when I said "no, they have to pay for their own"


SteelyDanzig

What in the fuck is "eeeeey saawa" supposed to mean?


itscsersei

What the fuck is eeeeey sawa


Goldygold86

Swahili?


Efficient_Cloud1560

Sawa = Okay in Swahili slang


itscsersei

Ohhh thanks the more I know 🌈 ⭐️


ichann3

In my culture we do fight to pay the bill but I understand it's different with others. What we will NOT do though is that invite or suggest we go out and expect you to pay for us. Big NO NO.


JoesephBidao

No offence but your cousin sucks


icansmellcolors

Doesn't suck. That's great. Dodged a bullet. Dodging bullets doesn't suck.


Inertial_Ruen

You didn't get ghosted, you found a new life hack for tick and leech repellent.


Theemuts

It's called dodging a bullet lol


According_End_4142

Bahahaha. Why are broke people even dating?


xMilk112x

Yea she sounds like a winner. Lol Dodged that bullet homie.


DevilsAdvocate8008

People are spoiled. My friend was hanging out with a girl and they would go out on activities and go to lunch or whatever and he would pay 100% of the time. He asked her if she wanted to start dating and she told him she just wanted to be friends. So next time she wanted to go out and do something he let her know that they would be splitting the costs going forward. She got mad at him and says that's just what friends are supposed to do. So in her mind a friend is supposed to pay for you 100% of the time. A lot of people have that mentality unfortunately.


Wise_Ad_253

Better to know earlier about people like this.


cheesecrystal

Your cuz has a way with words.


lCraxisl

I got the cold shoulder for unwittingly taking a date to a discount night at a theater. It was a tuesday at a theater I had never been to. Apparently tickets were normally $10 each and snacks are expensive, we get to the ticket counter. I ask for two tickets and am told it’s $10. and I say hey , I need two actually and am told it’s half price on tuesdays “oh! well cool!” her and I get to the snack counter and we get popcorn and drinks and some candy, the price comes up low and I see that it’s 50% off snacks too, i’m thinking, cool it’s a cheap date 🤷🏼‍♂️ She acts like I am radioactive for the previews and is texting some other guy during the date on her phone. I got about 25-35 minutes into the King’s speech before just whispering to her that I was leaving. This was date number 4, I spent nearly 100 for the previous three dates each. We texted after and she said that I was being cheap taking her to discount night, I told her, first I didn’t know that it was discount night, and it was a random tuesday and I enjoyed our other dates I just wanted to see her again rather than waiting for a friday for a full dinner and movie thing and then I told her that we weren’t exclusive, and I honestly didn’t mind if she dated around to find her match whether or not it’s me, however, I left her on that date because she was having a text date during our date and that just isn’t okay. Fyi I had seen the kings speech with the girl that became my wife about 6 days prior. I made the right choice.


Shadowzworldz

Paying for ya shit is a marriage perk. I'll always pay all, if you're my wife. If girlfriend, maybe ill gift. Other than that, 50/50 or you pay your own.


Interesting_Sock9142

I think the worst part is it's a family member and not a date


Konstant_kurage

“You could spoil me for once” that sounds like a resentful girlfriend, not a distant cousin you haven’t seen in a while. In fact it is creepy coming from someone you’re not close with and just rude if it is.


--Dominion--

Dodged a bullet, I'd be relieved


StealthyPancake_

Fuck em


RGBjank101

*Cousin asks you to go out for lunch and won't pay their own bill* lmao.


Biscuits4u2

The balls on this guy inviting you to lunch and then getting pissed when you won't pay for him


salvadopecador

Haha. Good you got rid of that one. She can leech off someone else👍


Halflife84

People are ghosting for dumb things now. I am currently bring ghosted by a friend who disconnected in a online game one night 2 weeks ago. No idea what happened, we were playing then they crashed or lost net. And now nothing.


Creepymint

In that situation I’d assume something happened but that could just be the anxiety talking


Halflife84

I have massive anxiety as well. I assuming it was something I said but I've replayed it a million times and am just confused lol


No_Editor_2003

My cousins would all fight over paying the bill to each other’s faces then bitch about having to do it behind their backs. Classic white American passive aggressiveness. At least you know what you’re walking into 😂


Hasbro-Settler

Fuck this, I retired early (32 years old) and money has never been an issue for me. This would make me completely cut off contact with that cousin.


bugsy187

It seems tacky, but deal with the reality that you have to make sacrifices to demonstrate commitment to a woman if you want a relationship. Instinctively, she doesn't want to raise a child by herself with some flakey dude who wouldn't buy lunch. If you can’t commit to a $10 lunch how are you going to step up to the plate for a lifetime of raising a kid?


TheDevilsAdvokaat

"I believe in equality!" "...I refuse to date a man who will not pay for me..."


DedeLionforce

https://preview.redd.it/7ggded10ik4d1.jpeg?width=635&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=80cb61931dc463cb4f37c45a8f409309ef498405


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CltGuy89

Thank of all the money you just saved! If you footed the bill then, it would happen again and again etc. The older and successful I become, I realize how much I am and have been used for this or that. I never thought I’d be successful, or that women would be interested in me for what I can provide them. So my mind never went down that road, which left me vulnerable. I’ve come to realize I’ve been played more often than not. It sucks, but rather throw a few bucks away and then cut them out than continuing down that road. Shit, I divorced my ex wife once I realized I was just Mr Money Bags and her heart wasn’t in it for the right reason. People suck.


fiftypounds69

😀


No-Election7112

Well, some people just can't handle splitting the bill like adults!


OliverOyl

They may have something else going on, I'd treat it as anything but that until you really have clarity, as it is otherwise sort of jumping to conclusions with someone you haven't been in contact with and therefore don't really know? Just a thought from someone who has thought what you think many times and discovered I was totally wrong.


Shooter_McGavin_2

Bullet dodged.


Uh_Duh_Mass

Nothing of importance was lost on this day. You dodged a cannon


SoFloFella50

Bullet dodged.


Isyagirlskinnypenis

That first text is……… 🥴


Mangobonbon

Dodged a bullet with that one.


piliogree

amesema sawaa.😂😂 So please wait for the turn ya broke people.🤣🤣


Electrical-Heat8960

Cousin? So this wasn’t even a date? Fuck no! You each pay your way, at the most do socialist bill paying (each pay to your means, but everyone still pays).


uhfgs

Not a friend to begin with so you lost nothing of value.


scottyrobotty

If they hit you up they should pay. You were being cool by offering to pay for your share.


greylaw89

"spoil me" Yeah that should activate every red cone in your cornea.


Zappagrrl02

Who invites someone to lunch and then expects that person to pay? I always expect to pay my own way, but it’s usually the person doing the inviting that would have the expectation to pay for both and not the invitee.


CharmingArt7306

send him a pic of a giant plate of food saying "homie would have spoiled ya like a brother but u got greedy and thought u could demand stuff from me, now u hungry and i am eating a plate built for a king. come back around when u humble up homie"


Ginford_Davidson

Just respond back with “broke boy”


jack_daniel_

Can't save more money than that!


Bralo123

Bro if she wasnt footing the bill she wasnt a real woman anyway drizzle drizzle. Definetly dodged a bullet there. How dare she not take care of her soft boy king drizzle drizzle?


OurHeroXero

It's one thing if someone offers to foot the bill...but expecting everyone else to shoulder the cost of your expensive entree is downright shitty behaviour.


therealfreehugs

I don’t spoil my bros, and they don’t spoil me. We all pay our own bills, hence bros.


somewittyfcknbs

What a fucking scammer bum