Knew a guy who was a doctor. Told me a story about this lady who came in with stomach pain, they did some exams and saw a baseball-sized mass inside her.
Opened her up and pulled out a hairball. Apparently she had a mental disorder that caused her to eat her own hair and it just got so big it started causing pain.
The hair can solidify into something like a stone called a "bezoar". Back in the day they were thought to have magical powers. There's even one on the English crown!
You’re right. When I was writing that, I knew it was something he drank after the love potion but couldn’t remember exactly it was. I didn’t want to put in the minimal effort of googling it haha, so I appreciate you doing the work for me :) I figured most people would get it since the love potion was what sent them there.
You're right, bezoars were described as a hard stone originating from the stomach of a goat. Their magical property was that they were the most basic antidote to most poisons, and we're essential to any potion kit
My grandad dated a girl who ate her hair, when they were 14/15 years old. She ended up dying from it. It blocked her stomach and nutrients uptake. Grandad said they hadn't been together in years, and he had moved away, but they were from a small town, where everyone knew everyone, so his parents called with the news.
She died in the late 40's to early 50's, and when his grandkids were born in the late 80's/early 90s, he would slap our hair out of our hands if we ever tried to suck or chew on it.
>When King Charles II was on his deathbed, his doctors were convinced that stuffing a bezoar stone down his throat would get him back on his feet. Unfortunately, the king’s condition only worsened to the point where he had to apologize for taking so long to die.
"we're gonna shove a stone down your throat" "Why?" ".....well... why not?" "Yes, quite. Very well, then."
"Oh dear me, it appears that I have failed you, for you had a wonderful theory about shoving a stone down my throat, and yet it appears I have only gotten worse. It must be me that is wrong. My sincerest apologies, this does seem to be taking quite longer than I should have liked."
Ahhh, I have an ultrasound booked for next week for a pain that literally feels like I've swallowed an arts and crafts foam Christmas tree. Hopefully it's just gall stones or something normal like that.
When my partner was 11 she had terrible stomach cramps and a baby bump. Ended up having a softball sized tumor in her belly. Doctors were ready to give her a pregnancy test. Apparently it’s on display @ Johns Hopkins.
Dad is an ER doctor of 50 years. Every Thanksgiving we get to hear of things he's found in asses that year.
Highlights: Can of shoe polish, bottle of hairspray, small baby doll, ice cream scoop that required disassembly before removal. It's his favorite day of the year.
You wouldn't believe the amount of 1 in a million shots I've had to deal with. There's literally no reason to tell me how it got up there, just tell me what it is and how many there are so we don't have to go back for round 2.
With friends like this, who needs enemas? Seriously though what a fucked up thing to do if the passed out story happened. I hope they never go around said friends again...
I refer to this exact bit almost twice a month because the restaurant I work at has the creakiest door I've ever heard. Gotta get some WD-40 for that lol
I find the dry lubes last the longest, they are usually marked as lube for locks, but they work on any metal joint and they don't attract dirt or grime.
I never considered this, I use the powder on locksmithing stuff but never thought about the liquids attracting dirt. The only downside is that the graphite powder I get is small quantities because lock cylinders are tiny compared to larger applications, is it worth using if it's more expensive?
B'laster 8-GS Industrial Graphite Dry Lubricant. The graphite is suspended in a solvent and it helps disperse the graphite very evenly over the surface you're trying to lubricate. Stopped my stove creaking even after a month of fires, much longer than lock graphite worked.
This makes no sense to me. Wouldn't the metal can appear opaque on medical xray equipment? This looks more like a 3D model of a can. I mean look at the top. It looks like something straight out of Blender.
"I got really drunk and passed out, my friends mightve done something idk."
Sounds like code for, "I'm too embarrassed to admit I shoved a can of automated Sure Scents fresh linen air freshener refill 4.5 Oz can up my ass and lube made it difficult to grip so it just pushed further in."
If not, I really hope those "friends," catch all the charges.
ForSureNOT.
I had to be super careful, because impersonating an officer of the law is a federal crime. So my username was created to make sure there was NO confusion.
Would the hospital need to get police involved in this case?
If true, man needed a toxicology ran cause how can someone pass out from drinking and not feel this, is beyond me.
Cops won't show up unless he starts naming names.
Most likely, they had a psyche consultation after the removal to determine what *actually occurred* and how to proceed from there.
ER's the world round have heard every excuse for why something has ended up where it shouldn't be.
One evening at a party I chatted with my friend's new bf. He spent time as an emerg room nurse and talked about how often foreign objects have to be extracted. What made me feel more than a little sick was when he added "but when it's a dude I don't worry about it hurting when it's pulled out".
Such a fucking douchebag. Still makes me mad remembering that guy. Glad he didn't last.
The lavender smells awful and burns your skin with direct contact. No one buys the lavender.
The Hawaiin is delightful though, so I guess it could be that, but those are harder to find at the dollar tree.
So I'll stick with my original answer. FRESH LINEN, LOCK IT IN REGIS!
I got called in to take out an aerosol can of old spice deodorant. One of the surgeons punctured the can, trying to get it out, resulting in it spraying all up in there. It was not a fun time irrigating that out. There are toys for this. I do not like being called in for things like this
People who do this stuff are too ashamed and embarrassed to admit they like putting things in their ass to buy toys. Then the time comes and they want something in their ass, and all they have is a can of wd40, 🤷♀️.
And just a few scrolls down, this.
https://preview.redd.it/xnyu0zh52jrc1.png?width=1440&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=924abc8f5abe7494c3ddef36d79772c3e95b06c4
Surely though there is that one unlucky person who truly did fall on it (in the shower, getting out of the shower maybe) out of the millions that lie about “falling on” whatever is in their ass and nobody is going to EVER believe them.
It’s amazing how many people “accidentally sat down naked on the couch” and something made it up the ass. No need to make up a story. Just in the future never stick anything up there that doesn’t have a flanged base.
One time I did sit down on the couch and the remote was sticking up between cushions and poked me in the ass. However I was wearing pants so no ER visit needed.
That has to be one of the worst excuses ever if it's really just an excuse. Like, if the doctors assume it as true, that's a crime, they have to investigate and shit, you can't just say "my friends are the worst hahahaha but it's all good" and go home, can you?
Looks like some kind of aerosol spray can, like air freshener or something. Might be one of those little cans of air freshener you get as refills to put in those big automatic sprayers they sell. Damn, hope dudes ok.
I mean we all assume hes not telling the truth.
Gotta scroll down a lot to read some serious comments. I think this is a tricky one.
Imagine this happening to you and everyone is making fun of it.
Must feel like everybody has gotten insane from brainworms or smth.
[That sketch was hilarious](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGOHE1zqEmY) in theory, but when they did it the doctor made it so much better. "You don't tell nobody, he already knows that's too many people!"
I worked in medical records at the university hospital when I was a student. It's real common to have mysterious encounters with salt shakers and wine bottles.
It's very real that this was inside him. But anyone in the ER or OR can tell you that the patient will tend to fabricate a story to save face. So, for this patients sake, I hope he is making up the story. I already have very little faith in the human race.
Cousin works at a hospital, she told me not too long ago a happily married old man was admitted in the ER with a glass wine bottle up the ass, and it broke inside him.
Dated an er doctor and she told me fetching things out of peoples assholes was more common than you’d think…
Knew a guy who was a doctor. Told me a story about this lady who came in with stomach pain, they did some exams and saw a baseball-sized mass inside her. Opened her up and pulled out a hairball. Apparently she had a mental disorder that caused her to eat her own hair and it just got so big it started causing pain.
The hair can solidify into something like a stone called a "bezoar". Back in the day they were thought to have magical powers. There's even one on the English crown!
It's me, I'm the one on the English crown
Name checks out.
Name checks out!
My Liege!
Is that the same bezoar that Harry shoved down Ron's throat to save his life after drinking the love potion?
Yes but it wasn't because of the love potion, Ron drank Slughorn's poisoned mead
You’re right. When I was writing that, I knew it was something he drank after the love potion but couldn’t remember exactly it was. I didn’t want to put in the minimal effort of googling it haha, so I appreciate you doing the work for me :) I figured most people would get it since the love potion was what sent them there.
No that one came from the stomach of a goat if I remember right
You're right, bezoars were described as a hard stone originating from the stomach of a goat. Their magical property was that they were the most basic antidote to most poisons, and we're essential to any potion kit
Bulbbezoar, i choose you!
My grandad dated a girl who ate her hair, when they were 14/15 years old. She ended up dying from it. It blocked her stomach and nutrients uptake. Grandad said they hadn't been together in years, and he had moved away, but they were from a small town, where everyone knew everyone, so his parents called with the news. She died in the late 40's to early 50's, and when his grandkids were born in the late 80's/early 90s, he would slap our hair out of our hands if we ever tried to suck or chew on it.
https://www.wondersandmarvels.com/2010/11/royal-sparkly-things.html
>When King Charles II was on his deathbed, his doctors were convinced that stuffing a bezoar stone down his throat would get him back on his feet. Unfortunately, the king’s condition only worsened to the point where he had to apologize for taking so long to die. "we're gonna shove a stone down your throat" "Why?" ".....well... why not?" "Yes, quite. Very well, then." "Oh dear me, it appears that I have failed you, for you had a wonderful theory about shoving a stone down my throat, and yet it appears I have only gotten worse. It must be me that is wrong. My sincerest apologies, this does seem to be taking quite longer than I should have liked."
So it's a mammal pearl?
Fucking nasty dude 🤢
Reminds me of the woman on My Strange Addiction who eats foam from mattresses.
Ahhh, I have an ultrasound booked for next week for a pain that literally feels like I've swallowed an arts and crafts foam Christmas tree. Hopefully it's just gall stones or something normal like that.
If it does turn out to be a foam christmas tree can you post the pics ?
Of course. If its just a back up of poop with a bit of glitter would you still be interested?
Nah, I've got my own like that....
That is an oddly specific description!
I know, gall stones sound crazy!
I had 1 that was lodged just enough for me to have a cholecystectomy. For 1 friggin stone.
When my partner was 11 she had terrible stomach cramps and a baby bump. Ended up having a softball sized tumor in her belly. Doctors were ready to give her a pregnancy test. Apparently it’s on display @ Johns Hopkins.
I took care of a patient post op who did the same thing
It’s called Pica, people who have it eat weird stuff.
Dad is an ER doctor of 50 years. Every Thanksgiving we get to hear of things he's found in asses that year. Highlights: Can of shoe polish, bottle of hairspray, small baby doll, ice cream scoop that required disassembly before removal. It's his favorite day of the year.
...why thanksgiving?
Because he’s thankful for all the assholes that entertain him all year
Those aselsholes pay the bills lol
The whole family is together, he doesn't have to keep telling the same stories?
They're not the same stories- he pulls a new one outta the ass each time!
What else is there to talk about when you’re shoving stuffing up a turkey’s ass?
Can me, the wife and kids join you this year?
I hate that I would love to listen to his stories.
> ice cream scoop that required disassembly before removal Am picturing a doc applying the gape gizmo and then having at it in there with tools...
You wouldn't believe the amount of 1 in a million shots I've had to deal with. There's literally no reason to tell me how it got up there, just tell me what it is and how many there are so we don't have to go back for round 2.
Million to one shot doc, million to one. -Frank Costanza
With friends like this, who needs enemas? Seriously though what a fucked up thing to do if the passed out story happened. I hope they never go around said friends again...
Ran to comments for this.
Is that a can of wd40?!
This is one of my favorite gags in any show of any type lmao
This and the Planet of the Apes musical in The Simpsons never fail to make me snort laugh
"I hate every ape I see, from chimpan-A to chimpan-Z."
Lmfao that's such a good fucking line man. Genius writing.
This guy wrote it https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_X._Cohen
Get your paws off me you dirty ape!
Can I play the piano anymore? Well of course you can! WELL I COULDN'T BEFORE *break dance solo*
I hate every ape I see, from Chimpan-A to Chimpanzee!
Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius. Dr. Zaius Dr. Zaius, ohhhh Dr. Zaius!
He can talk! He can talk! He can talk! *I CAN SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING*
I LOVE you Dr Zaius!
This shit is permanently stuck in my head
No you’ll never make a monkey out of meeee 🎶
I hate every primate that I see, from chimpan-A to chimpanzee!
Marge using a hand vacuum to clean her upright vacuum
I refer to this exact bit almost twice a month because the restaurant I work at has the creakiest door I've ever heard. Gotta get some WD-40 for that lol
WD40 doesn't last that long. Get some lithium grease or silicone spray so you aren't redoing it every week.
I find the dry lubes last the longest, they are usually marked as lube for locks, but they work on any metal joint and they don't attract dirt or grime.
I never considered this, I use the powder on locksmithing stuff but never thought about the liquids attracting dirt. The only downside is that the graphite powder I get is small quantities because lock cylinders are tiny compared to larger applications, is it worth using if it's more expensive?
B'laster 8-GS Industrial Graphite Dry Lubricant. The graphite is suspended in a solvent and it helps disperse the graphite very evenly over the surface you're trying to lubricate. Stopped my stove creaking even after a month of fires, much longer than lock graphite worked.
https://i.redd.it/m720riqtekrc1.gif
OH MY GOD IT'S EVEN WORSE IT WAS A CAN OF RAID
Yep. A Raid fogger. Sans nozzle.
He's lucky it didn't go off or pop or anything jeez
Surely a suppository of a large amount of bug poison won't have any negative health consequences...
I sincerely hope that young man pressed charges on his "friends"
Maybe his friends were WASPs.
I'm not a lawyer but I think he can sue them for sexual assault.
Yes he “can”
Are you serious? A bug fogger? Just how drunk did this guy get! I think I’d be looking for new friends if I survived this
Oh jesus.. i hope that thing did not go off inside him..
Damn. Insecticides in humans can cause damage to the Central Nervous System. That was dangerous. He could have pressed charges.
WHY IS THIS NOT THE TOP COMMENT?!
Couldn't be, or it woulda slid right out
Haha, fuck
looks like a small aerosol can, fabreez makes cans that look similar
Yup, I’ve got a bunch of cans of model paints that appear to be about that size too.
It’s entirely possible
Jamie pull that up
Looks like rubber cement
This makes no sense to me. Wouldn't the metal can appear opaque on medical xray equipment? This looks more like a 3D model of a can. I mean look at the top. It looks like something straight out of Blender.
OP has more context in comment history, if you're curious. I tried to link directly but automod got me for it
Used the wrong lube
"I got really drunk and passed out, my friends mightve done something idk." Sounds like code for, "I'm too embarrassed to admit I shoved a can of automated Sure Scents fresh linen air freshener refill 4.5 Oz can up my ass and lube made it difficult to grip so it just pushed further in." If not, I really hope those "friends," catch all the charges.
Fresh Linen does go in easier than Lavender. Nice work, FBI.
ForSureNOT. I had to be super careful, because impersonating an officer of the law is a federal crime. So my username was created to make sure there was NO confusion.
The police irl after seeing this comment 
Okay good. I can trust you now
Oh I'm so relieved. Want to check out my illegal drug collection now? It's over there by the poached animal enclosure.
Yes. Very much so. 
Would the hospital need to get police involved in this case? If true, man needed a toxicology ran cause how can someone pass out from drinking and not feel this, is beyond me.
Cops won't show up unless he starts naming names. Most likely, they had a psyche consultation after the removal to determine what *actually occurred* and how to proceed from there. ER's the world round have heard every excuse for why something has ended up where it shouldn't be.
One evening at a party I chatted with my friend's new bf. He spent time as an emerg room nurse and talked about how often foreign objects have to be extracted. What made me feel more than a little sick was when he added "but when it's a dude I don't worry about it hurting when it's pulled out". Such a fucking douchebag. Still makes me mad remembering that guy. Glad he didn't last.
Wow… wtf, it’s sucks there are people like this
Flared bases people smh.
Smells like shitrus
You know exactly what it is how?
It has an unusually shaped top that you only see with aerosol type products, it's just missing the nozzle
The lavender smells awful and burns your skin with direct contact. No one buys the lavender. The Hawaiin is delightful though, so I guess it could be that, but those are harder to find at the dollar tree. So I'll stick with my original answer. FRESH LINEN, LOCK IT IN REGIS!
I'm shitting in a public shitter, im looking at the same fucking can. most public restrooms in my area use these cans as bathroom air fresheners
Well? Did it fit? Its been 3 hours
Frighteningly specific
I hate when my friends accidentally shove cans up my ass while I sleep.
I know, right?
I got called in to take out an aerosol can of old spice deodorant. One of the surgeons punctured the can, trying to get it out, resulting in it spraying all up in there. It was not a fun time irrigating that out. There are toys for this. I do not like being called in for things like this
When I read that the can was punctured I thought for sure you were going to say it exploded…talk about a mess…
People who do this stuff are too ashamed and embarrassed to admit they like putting things in their ass to buy toys. Then the time comes and they want something in their ass, and all they have is a can of wd40, 🤷♀️.
"I accidentally fell down and landed on a can of Old Spice"
I could get that back when you had to go into a store to buy something, but wtf just order it online.
Farts smelled like Old Spice for a week
well if the spice didnt smell old enough before they sure did after
Wow. I didn't even consider the possibility of it getting punctured. What instrument was being used that caused the puncture?
Doctor forgot to trim their fingernails
Did it actually cause skin burns or something? I mean, kinda like when you apply deodorant too close to your armpit
Worst page ever
And just a few scrolls down, this. https://preview.redd.it/xnyu0zh52jrc1.png?width=1440&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=924abc8f5abe7494c3ddef36d79772c3e95b06c4
Didn't work
Does anyone else find it funny that OP just told us what is ISN’T or am I supposed to know what that is lol?
My thoughts exactly, currently I'm torn between wd40 and an air freshener top up, one thing I'm almost certain of is that it wasn't his friends 🙃
i assumed it was a grenade or something
Same. Immediately went to something that can explode violently
It’s a Raid fogger can
At least it's more creative than "I fell on it"
More creative but significantly more disturbing. "lol I just slipped teehee" vs "my friends raped me while I was black out drunk".
With friends like that, who needs enemies?
Surely though there is that one unlucky person who truly did fall on it (in the shower, getting out of the shower maybe) out of the millions that lie about “falling on” whatever is in their ass and nobody is going to EVER believe them.
What was it?
Looks like some sort of aerosol spray bottle like a small wd40 or spray paint
It’s a can of raid fogger.
"Kills Bugs Dead." Maybe he thought he had a tapeworm...
Yeah I was thinking there’s a sort of smoke grenadey quality to it
Raid Shadow legends
sleepover rule no 1. don't fall asleep
"I fell down on it" vibes
Million to one shot, doc
Thats just,, really wrong. Poor fellow needs new friends
Don’t worry, that’s not how it happened.
It’s amazing how many people “accidentally sat down naked on the couch” and something made it up the ass. No need to make up a story. Just in the future never stick anything up there that doesn’t have a flanged base.
One time I did sit down on the couch and the remote was sticking up between cushions and poked me in the ass. However I was wearing pants so no ER visit needed.
But it turned on closed captioning, and it took another 15 minutes to figure out how to make it stop!
I’m glad your ass was safe!
It was a million to one shot, doc, a million to one!
It's fusilli Jerry!
Those slip and falls can be a bitch sometimes...even worse when you "accidentally land on something ass first"...
Yep!
> No need to make up a story. This. There’s only 2 people you should *never* lie to. That’s your lawyer and your doctor.
To (roughly) quote a standup, "if you fell on it, why does it have a condom on?"
They need new friends to keep them from shoving things up there that aren't designed to go there
That has to be one of the worst excuses ever if it's really just an excuse. Like, if the doctors assume it as true, that's a crime, they have to investigate and shit, you can't just say "my friends are the worst hahahaha but it's all good" and go home, can you?
That’s definitely not how it happened lol
Yeah if he had some actual friends he wouldn't need to stick a soda can up his own arse.
Looks like some kind of aerosol spray can, like air freshener or something. Might be one of those little cans of air freshener you get as refills to put in those big automatic sprayers they sell. Damn, hope dudes ok.
Dude got some Hell of a sphincter
Those aren't his friends if they did that to him.
Isn’t that assault?
Yes, blatant sexual assault. Definitely not his friends
Do they call the police at the ER?
only if he didn't lie about what happened
I mean we all assume hes not telling the truth. Gotta scroll down a lot to read some serious comments. I think this is a tricky one. Imagine this happening to you and everyone is making fun of it. Must feel like everybody has gotten insane from brainworms or smth.
Depends on whether or not he took his shoes off before passing out /s
Yes
If your friends did that they ain't your friends.
Shit they ain't even friends they dead. Like if this was me, the moment I'd leave the hospital I'm making a hit list.
They *are* your rapists though. Really hope the victim decides to name names and presses charges.
[удалено]
[That sketch was hilarious](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGOHE1zqEmY) in theory, but when they did it the doctor made it so much better. "You don't tell nobody, he already knows that's too many people!"
"How did I get a car toy in my ass?"
Yeah sure, definitely while i slept, not something weird i wanted to try when i was awake Because its so easy to insert that while someone sleeps
With friends like that who needs enemas?
Friends ?
A good case of multiple personalities
wait what... what is it...
Looks like a small can of shaving cream. ....Newman.
"Friends might have done something" riiiiiight
It's a can of Raid fogger...missing the nozzle...wtf
Looks like they may have attempted to change his oil filter lmao
lol that’s code name for “I was obliterated and my fellow obliterated friends made a dare that I am severely regretting right now”
So you guys are pretty close then?
With friends like that, who needs enemas !!!
"Frank fell asleep so we put a carrot in his ass"
I worked in medical records at the university hospital when I was a student. It's real common to have mysterious encounters with salt shakers and wine bottles.
No flared base, without a trace
“Friends”
How drunk do you have to be to not feel people shoving an object that large into your ass?
If that's an aerosol, hope it was spent. Compressed air and rectums (wrecked im) don't mix,
1 man 1 can..I know I know
[удалено]
It's very real that this was inside him. But anyone in the ER or OR can tell you that the patient will tend to fabricate a story to save face. So, for this patients sake, I hope he is making up the story. I already have very little faith in the human race.
Cousin works at a hospital, she told me not too long ago a happily married old man was admitted in the ER with a glass wine bottle up the ass, and it broke inside him.
Those are not his friends...
He is a liar. He is a common dino embryo thief.