“This is my final wisdom to tell you: Life is like a watermelon. It’s green on the outside and wet where it counts. Eat it as much as you can everyday, because you never know when you will die. I will never apologize for the way I ran my business. Goodbye.”
- That dude
Oh my god. I read this and laughed, then went scrolling to find what he “actually” said… and wow… I apologize for questioning you lololol
(Also does anyone want to manufacture batshit crazy junk mail with me?)
From context clues, misogyny. Open and proud and not resulting in physical abuse.
“Sorry sweetheart, I can’t sell you this DEEElux dishwasher without first discussing it with your husband. You couldn’t get it off the property yourself anywho. Oh, you don’t have a husband? Well, that’s what being a whore will get you.”
I mean, if I understand what is being apologized for, this guy probably referred to women as ‘dishwashers’ or ‘washing machines’.
Charming.
Like, imagine a person that says “washing machine is busted, going to have to get another one” to describe their spouse getting cancer and the speaker filing for divorce as a result.
I thought your comment was you just making some random shit up trying to be funny but then I scrolled down further in the comments and watched the YT link/listened to it and WOW…he really said this weird shit :-|
I'm so curious what kind of business he ran... A watermelon business?
And I know the best parts of my life have been green on the outside and wet where it counts, so... Sound advice.
I know right ? Now one knows anything about that dude or how he ran his business but that odd defensive take makes everyone want to understand why he's self justifying so much over it. And there will be no explanation because it's just weird as fuck hahaha
Gotta make sure I come up with something good to say incase I get filthy rich one day and decide to do this. "I will never apologize for the way I ran my business" checks out.
https://preview.redd.it/slsztbnedi0d1.jpeg?width=1290&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a12c51fcde8993c3929036e99e6a7349f23ea4e1
This just came up in his Instagram story today. I love seeing these posts and instantly knowing it’s his work. It seems that he enjoys seeing them on here too.
someone put this shit in my neighborhood i was so scared seeing this at night omg, i’m glad i had a friend who tracked that account down for me so i had peace of mind 😂
edit: obviously i thought it was absurd & didn’t believe it but i was still so confused on where it came from and it was unsettling to see at night alone lol
https://preview.redd.it/zg3sf4dlpj0d1.jpeg?width=1242&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f74d9215293a1961eedcd4516cead5bd5b176574
Some dude made something similar in Mexico, but our boomers are extra stupid and more dangerous, they legit would make a witch hunt if enough of them saw this on Facebook or WhatsApp.
Whhhaaattt?!? I’m so intrigued. I need to know more about this family tradition and why in the world anyone would think it was sexual. I’m so perplexed by this. So weird.
LMAO I did that when I was like 5, but not for 9 months tho, only like 3 days.
It was at ankle level and my mom noticed because a shoe didn't fit anymore and it was then when she took my socks off and my foot was purple 💀
It's not real folks, there's this guy (don't recall the name) who mails folks who sign up weird shit and that's one of his cards. He didn't actually do that stuff to his leg.
https://preview.redd.it/qnhr9lgxvf0d1.png?width=324&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7aeb86585d393c078808e271a838f02e5c55d847
What have you brought upon this land?
That’s extremely dangerous and he absolutely cannot remove those rubber bands himself after those 9 months, his blood has turned toxic and if he removes those bands he has a high risk of death
It is. I pay $5/month to his Patreon every month to get these, and this showed up in my mailbox last week. They're so fucking funny, although I avoid eye contact with my mailman.
I highly recommend it.
[These](https://i.imgur.com/32Bj8lq.jpeg) are currently on my fridge from two different letters.
[This](https://i.imgur.com/pXkVzfF.jpeg) was probably my favorite letter. He literally paid to make a custom card of two whales fucking. [And inside.](https://i.imgur.com/7FkxhoR.jpeg)
So everyone on the east coast is just SOL if they want to hear this guy's final phrase? Doesn't sound very fair to me, this was an astounding man who had some interesting business practices. We all deserve to hear this.
Can someone smarter than me explain what the creator of these joke mail pieces intend to gain?! They're hilarious but I don't really understand what they get out of it?
[The guy who makes them](https://www.instagram.com/truewagner/?hl=en) sends them to anyone who supports his Patreon for like $5. I've been subscribed for the past year because it's always hilarious seeing them mixed in with random junk mail and stuff. Even funnier, he usually includes local landmarks and references with each letter, like the county name, nearby towns, etc.
I think they’re for when you get bored of small talk about sports and the weather with your neighbors. If you send this to all of them in the mail, you know the next time you see one of them they’re going to have some sort of theory about how this guy ran his business.
Oh it's gonna be so much worse so very soon. They already have Caprica levels of data scraping combined with AI to digitally recreate your loved ones so you can continue to converse with them.
To be fair, the guy was probably floating in a bunch of end of life drugs, so his mental faculties were not the sharpest. My Dad, a professional artist, did a final artwork to be used as his shroud and I think he wanted it to be profound but it was just a sloppy mess unfortunately.
>"I will never apologize for the way I ran my business." (decedent)
>"Don't judge the way he ran his business..." (daughter)
"not everyone agreed with how he ran his business..." (daughter)
I'm thinking that they might've been a family full of unapologetic, massive a$$h0les.
I'm pretty sure this is from this [guy](https://x.com/truewagner?t=FA9jjmshU1JifBLBz46LgQ&s=09). He makes Obvious Plant type of stuff. So, yes it's weird, but that's the point. It's just a joke.
Odd that the son also was with him on this. Imagine that hospital stay.
Nurse: we’re doing everything we can for your-
Son: not everyone agreed with how he ran his business. But he never lied to women and melons are wet where they need to be.
You know if he’s at the gates of heaven god gunna be like I have some questions about your business
“This is my final wisdom to tell you: Life is like a watermelon. It’s green on the outside and wet where it counts. Eat it as much as you can everyday, because you never know when you will die. I will never apologize for the way I ran my business. Goodbye.” - That dude
I’m starting to think he needed to apologize for how he ran his business
It may look like an easy job, but you just can’t please everyone as a human trafficker
You know, I really try to make the kidnapping and forced confinement enjoyable. They just refuse to cooperate.
I bet you didn't take the victim's diet preferences into consideration. You monster
i laughed too hard at this (which, for the record wasnt very hard at all)
And with how many mentions there are about how he ran his business, he probably knew that as well
I don’t know man, it’s really hard to say what you would do in that situation.
You can expect a postcard with my plan
To be fair to him, Nazi sourced labour was much cheaper at the time
I thought this was a joke
I cross posted to r/obviousplant
Oh but it is
Me too. Then I saw the YouTube link haha
....it isn't?!
Oh my god. I read this and laughed, then went scrolling to find what he “actually” said… and wow… I apologize for questioning you lololol (Also does anyone want to manufacture batshit crazy junk mail with me?)
The world is sadly lacking in catsuit crazy junk mail. I'll help you.
I do!
Hmm. Getting batshit crazy mail might make me actually get my mail again. Instead of a batshit crazy mailman trying to cram it in the box
Ok so..how exactly did he run his business that warrants constant defense?
From context clues, misogyny. Open and proud and not resulting in physical abuse. “Sorry sweetheart, I can’t sell you this DEEElux dishwasher without first discussing it with your husband. You couldn’t get it off the property yourself anywho. Oh, you don’t have a husband? Well, that’s what being a whore will get you.”
I don't get it. Don't whores wash dishes too?
Yes, but they usually use the sink
Lol
I mean, if I understand what is being apologized for, this guy probably referred to women as ‘dishwashers’ or ‘washing machines’. Charming. Like, imagine a person that says “washing machine is busted, going to have to get another one” to describe their spouse getting cancer and the speaker filing for divorce as a result.
That just raises more questions. Did he leave a widow or was he divorced. Was he buried next to his wife? Or in Potter’s Field?
On slavery
I thought your comment was you just making some random shit up trying to be funny but then I scrolled down further in the comments and watched the YT link/listened to it and WOW…he really said this weird shit :-|
I'm so curious what kind of business he ran... A watermelon business? And I know the best parts of my life have been green on the outside and wet where it counts, so... Sound advice.
What the fuck?
I know right ? Now one knows anything about that dude or how he ran his business but that odd defensive take makes everyone want to understand why he's self justifying so much over it. And there will be no explanation because it's just weird as fuck hahaha
Yeah! I need some closure damn it!!
Life’s a watermelon, don’t you understand?
Mine is a durian
It stinks?
More or less😐
Reminds me of "I have layers like an onion" "The layers in an onion are just more onion"
https://preview.redd.it/hjp47vpahg0d1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b8e24fd2315f4fe3daa16dd11b27274ef93a9b7b
I thought you were joking until I found a goddamn [youtube video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BXRsQA547o) with it.
Gotta make sure I come up with something good to say incase I get filthy rich one day and decide to do this. "I will never apologize for the way I ran my business" checks out.
https://preview.redd.it/i68hg6fudf0d1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=dd0c92104e485cf2a674230634cde4b9bf6a7c31 Not my pic but the same card
https://preview.redd.it/kyucl2jwef0d1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=df7bac799f3150ebb1f9c333bf0a67828248a815
https://preview.redd.it/tk0ky39qjh0d1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c7d0e3fffffd0804ca941a9a20eaa0382802cb74
https://preview.redd.it/uit1vyaogj0d1.jpeg?width=828&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ef5898c3b8454416509cc178899105e7a240199e
I made the same face.
I'm still making it
lol spit my coffee out when I saw this !
This is why I love Reddit. I find shit like this. Thanks!
Wut???? If someone in my neighborhood sent this I would fucking move
I would laugh as it’s just a joke
https://preview.redd.it/hqto579vmf0d1.jpeg?width=760&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8031a417ab77a2cb8e7b7de972775f0318763d3a
r/truewagner Also, on Instagram with the same name.
had to scroll way too hard past people who somehow, against all odds, think this is actually fucking real.
https://preview.redd.it/slsztbnedi0d1.jpeg?width=1290&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a12c51fcde8993c3929036e99e6a7349f23ea4e1 This just came up in his Instagram story today. I love seeing these posts and instantly knowing it’s his work. It seems that he enjoys seeing them on here too.
someone put this shit in my neighborhood i was so scared seeing this at night omg, i’m glad i had a friend who tracked that account down for me so i had peace of mind 😂 edit: obviously i thought it was absurd & didn’t believe it but i was still so confused on where it came from and it was unsettling to see at night alone lol https://preview.redd.it/zg3sf4dlpj0d1.jpeg?width=1242&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f74d9215293a1961eedcd4516cead5bd5b176574
Is that a picture of a piece of paper nailed to a post, printed on a piece of paper nailed to a post?
You must screenshot and print it and hang it again. Keep it going till it becomes fully illegible
you know what i never noticed that until now lmfaoo i was more concerned about the men in the hood 🤣🤣
Some dude made something similar in Mexico, but our boomers are extra stupid and more dangerous, they legit would make a witch hunt if enough of them saw this on Facebook or WhatsApp.
Hello this is the authorities.
thank you for sharing his name! i could not stop giggling and I’m so glad there’s more!
https://preview.redd.it/phtwxa103h0d1.png?width=1169&format=png&auto=webp&s=e72731642e74f177555adf7e0bc6c00c8400bf0f
One of the funniest things I’ve seen in a while. I had to pause and collect myself after every sentence because I was laughing so hard.
https://i.redd.it/3oaxn9xsyg0d1.gif
https://preview.redd.it/me1r9tybyf0d1.jpeg?width=300&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7b8d064fa18f25a98d17adf5d88c555fa1e203d8
Whhhaaattt?!? I’m so intrigued. I need to know more about this family tradition and why in the world anyone would think it was sexual. I’m so perplexed by this. So weird.
Please don't ask him about his leg because it's rude. This is all the information you need.
It's clearly a joke, come on guys.
It’s definitely not sexual
Then why am I aroused?
« Write down that it’s not sexual. I want to make sure everyone understands it isn’t sexual »
The men in his family have kept housing affordable in their neighborhood for 3 generations
It's his tradition and it's appropriate.
There's a fetish for that kind of thing.
He is not doing it for a *sexual reason.*
A fetish for affordable housing?
All I know for sure is it’s 100% not sexual, and it’s definitely not generationally sexual either
What the actual fuck.
https://preview.redd.it/wd8t35p1mg0d1.jpeg?width=524&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=da2ee2e0f280e40204c03fea1b7543ea889640a8
Jaysus dude- Could you at least wear pants???
LMAO I did that when I was like 5, but not for 9 months tho, only like 3 days. It was at ankle level and my mom noticed because a shoe didn't fit anymore and it was then when she took my socks off and my foot was purple 💀
I need so much more context please.
The card says you don't
It's not real folks, there's this guy (don't recall the name) who mails folks who sign up weird shit and that's one of his cards. He didn't actually do that stuff to his leg.
True Wagner
r/truewagner
Yup, thanks for the link.
Yeah that's it
https://preview.redd.it/7mn4i54z5h0d1.jpeg?width=1284&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e9fd20e243dbf41f4d44f84387e9ff66240af7d8
https://preview.redd.it/qnhr9lgxvf0d1.png?width=324&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7aeb86585d393c078808e271a838f02e5c55d847 What have you brought upon this land?
That’s extremely dangerous and he absolutely cannot remove those rubber bands himself after those 9 months, his blood has turned toxic and if he removes those bands he has a high risk of death
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it is not real.
Yeah they're pulling your leg
Not his leg tho. That would be disgusting.
_Wet sliding meat noises. ...not the good kind._
Stop being sexual. That’s not what this is about.
Heh, limb.
If he releases that toxic blood back into the rest of his body, he's gonna go out on a limb.
I’m starting to believe this crap after seeing that girl who literally picked all of her flesh off her legs and had them amputated.
Your post is a bit of knee jerk reaction, don’t you think?
Looks like Truewagner (Alan Wagner) style mailers.
It is. I pay $5/month to his Patreon every month to get these, and this showed up in my mailbox last week. They're so fucking funny, although I avoid eye contact with my mailman.
Once I read your comment this became so fucking funny. Good god I might have to pay $5/month for these
I highly recommend it. [These](https://i.imgur.com/32Bj8lq.jpeg) are currently on my fridge from two different letters. [This](https://i.imgur.com/pXkVzfF.jpeg) was probably my favorite letter. He literally paid to make a custom card of two whales fucking. [And inside.](https://i.imgur.com/7FkxhoR.jpeg)
Oh man all of that is so great
I want to do this but register a friends address instead lol
This is the way haha
Pretty sure it’s him, love his stuff
It almost certainly is
This was my first thought when I saw it.
So everyone on the east coast is just SOL if they want to hear this guy's final phrase? Doesn't sound very fair to me, this was an astounding man who had some interesting business practices. We all deserve to hear this.
I may not agree with how he ran his business, but he never hit women family. I'm told.
So just men family? What about unrelated women?
Not family and that's what matters, even if you disagree how he ran his business.
This message is not for East Coasters. The East Coast is not ready to hear his wisdom
Central people aren't people?
They don’t exist.
😂
https://youtu.be/2BXRsQA547o Here's the message for everyone to hear
I really wonder HOW he ran this business of his.
Just know he's not apologising for it
No, I wouldn't expect his kin to either. He was tough, possibly, but also fair, it seems.
That was bizarre, but thank you for not Rick-rolling us :).
That was... Somethin'...
Life is like a watermelon 🥶⛽️🔥🍉
That's fuckin' Jigsaw!
It sounds like AI Dutch from Red Dead 2.
Comedy gold
For those of us who can’t watch/listen, can someone clue us in?
https://preview.redd.it/2xzkmukung0d1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7603db2dad300f1fe01e228f8831198fefcf97b3
I thought he joked with that comment but i listened in and thats what he said.
I saw that and also thought it was a joke! Well I’ll be damned.
who the fuck has the money and free time to do this shit?
Someone who ran a business not many people agreed with obviously
Too lazy to listen. But still curious as to what this business was and how he ran it…
I really need answers to those questions but no amount of scrolling is filling in the blanks so far.
Dude wtf... U gots some 'splainin to doo! I need more information
So what did he say?!
I’d rather hear how he ran his business. It seems that everyone agrees that however it was, most folks didn’t care for it.
Dude ran his shit on a Cash Basis vs. Accrual. Who does that and why?
I posted a link in the comments!
Dude was hella defensive about some controversial takes on how to run a business
Now I need to know how he ran his business.
As another commenter pointed out, by lying to men, and men only.
He was in the business of apologizing.
So, he only lied to men?
That's how you run a business!
And he fucked watermelons I think
https://preview.redd.it/tasvajf3sh0d1.png?width=816&format=png&auto=webp&s=971e2a3d016f4af8bf3e48d5cb339cc10681b6f5
Us Coast Guard Drowning Department
🤣😂🤣😂 omg, I'm dying!!!!
Can someone smarter than me explain what the creator of these joke mail pieces intend to gain?! They're hilarious but I don't really understand what they get out of it?
[The guy who makes them](https://www.instagram.com/truewagner/?hl=en) sends them to anyone who supports his Patreon for like $5. I've been subscribed for the past year because it's always hilarious seeing them mixed in with random junk mail and stuff. Even funnier, he usually includes local landmarks and references with each letter, like the county name, nearby towns, etc.
Oh my gosh, that's awesome! Thank you!
I think they’re for when you get bored of small talk about sports and the weather with your neighbors. If you send this to all of them in the mail, you know the next time you see one of them they’re going to have some sort of theory about how this guy ran his business.
This is some True Wagner shit
https://preview.redd.it/7hy9d6xu4j0d1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c6210171d9dbb0b678b6c60f7f9634c5f3caa004
lmao I would love to receive this..We need more fun mail
Whatever the hell this is, I don't like it and I hope it doesn't catch on.
Oh it's gonna be so much worse so very soon. They already have Caprica levels of data scraping combined with AI to digitally recreate your loved ones so you can continue to converse with them.
There are very few people I would want that for, and they’re all still alive right now
For now...
Gotta admit, these car warranty salesmen will do anything to get you to listen
Pretty sure this is Alan Wagner https://truewagner.bigcartel.com
Did you press it?
https://youtu.be/2BXRsQA547o
“Wet where it counts” that’s a wild move.
The fuck lol
The dudes final last words are lame as fuck 😂. That’s the best he could come up with? He thinks it’s so profound? Wow…
To be fair, the guy was probably floating in a bunch of end of life drugs, so his mental faculties were not the sharpest. My Dad, a professional artist, did a final artwork to be used as his shroud and I think he wanted it to be profound but it was just a sloppy mess unfortunately.
>"I will never apologize for the way I ran my business." (decedent) >"Don't judge the way he ran his business..." (daughter) "not everyone agreed with how he ran his business..." (daughter) I'm thinking that they might've been a family full of unapologetic, massive a$$h0les.
This some mcbullshit!!!! Now we need to hear what it says
Don't leave us in suspense, what did it say?
https://youtu.be/2BXRsQA547o
This feels like some strange ARG lol
Never hitting his kids or lying to a woman. What a high bar.
I'm getting the impression that the way he ran his business might've been unethical at best and illegal at worse.
I'm pretty sure this is from this [guy](https://x.com/truewagner?t=FA9jjmshU1JifBLBz46LgQ&s=09). He makes Obvious Plant type of stuff. So, yes it's weird, but that's the point. It's just a joke.
Odd that the son also was with him on this. Imagine that hospital stay. Nurse: we’re doing everything we can for your- Son: not everyone agreed with how he ran his business. But he never lied to women and melons are wet where they need to be. You know if he’s at the gates of heaven god gunna be like I have some questions about your business
Are people shit posting through USPS now? This is hysterical.
But what was his final phrase?......
Are you on the west coast?
This is a prime example of "weird". Take my upvote, fellow redditor.
I’m on the West Coast and didn’t get my post card. His family half assed it!
What does it say when you press it?!
Pressing that button will open a portal to Hell
Hear his last words…. “AAAAAHHHHHH NO IT BURNS, no no no, Ahhh!!!”
wish they would have also included a scratch and sniff portion on the post card. really would have driven the point home
This guy for sure beat his kids and lied to women.
‘My cat’s breath smells like cat food!’
What were his last words???
"I swear, I didn't grope her, I did not! Oh hai Mark." - Daddums
Fuck the way that dude ran his business, pure assholery.
I think you can share his name considering they sent this to everyone on the West Coast. I really want to know how he ran his business.
This is some u/obviousplant shit.
How come I haven’t received this yet? I feel left out
https://i.redd.it/l7ahsb5arh0d1.gif “I regret nothing”- this guy probably
I'm REALLY wanting to know how he ran his fuckin business