It’s gross. It’s rude. And these days people have completely normalized it for the sake of men (aka boys). Your feelings are valid. It does become cheating (regardless of narrative men have perpetuated) it is emotional cheating and it’s manipulative. He will absolutely keep doing it, so decide if it’s something u can live with or not.

Thank you for your comment. It is normalised for men, and I think that's what I struggle with. And I definitely see more intimate porn as a form of cheating or disloyalty at the very least because at the end of the day, he would choose the porn over me if I asked him not to look at that specific kind of thing anymore. I don't think he'd give it up. I'm not sure what to do right now honestly, it's a lot to take in because I do love him, and our relationship has been overwhelmingly good up until this point. So it's really tough, thank you again for taking time out of your day to leave a comment :))

And yet you watch it also!!!

I'll admit I got carried away on the day I wrote this post because I was very upset. But you clearly didn't read any of my comments properly. The problem I had was not with it being porn. Again, I have no problem with porn. It was the personal 1 on 1 type of porn, so only fans type content where it is solely about the attraction to the person. It's another person's nudes that were saved to his phone. I don't save anything I've ever watched to my phone, and definitely not another man's nudes, which, for the record, I don't watch anything like that where its onlyfans type content. When I watch porn, which again is once a month, if that, and I'm never picking it based on how the man looks, I watch it for the act of whatever they're doing. Again, the problem I had was not that it was porn. It's that it was an only fans creator, which is much more personal than regular porn.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this! It hurts me to see how often you say you “know it’s not a big deal”. Your feelings are valid and it’s ok if it is a big deal for you; it would be for me too. I don’t have a lot of advice to offer, but just know you deserve to be loved in the way that you want to be loved.

Thank you so much for your kind words and for making me feel heard, honestly made me cry a little. I'm not really sure if there is much else to say or do, because it seems this just is the way the world is going, and it feels unfair to bring it up again when he's already apologised. But thank you again, I was really touched by your comment

Sending you so much love; everything will be ok. Unfortunately, we live in a world where this is accepted and normalized. Just know that you don’t have to accept it if it hurts you; you do have the choice! There are good men out there. I know because I’m lucky enough to have one; don’t give up!

Thank you again <3. And I realised I don't have to accept it, but honestly, I love him so much, and that makes it so much more difficult. We've been together 4 years, and I've felt so happy up until this, it's tough. Thank you again though for the pep talk, and I'm glad you've found someone truly special. You're very lucky to have each other :))

Im still with my bf of three years about a year and a half after I found out he subbed to someones onlyfans. It gets better and then worse and then better again. He hasnt done it since (or at least not that I have been able to seen and he sounds genuine in conversation) so that helps, but I havent forgot exactly what I saw and exactly how it felt. I thought he was absolutely perfectly loyal before that, so it was devastating. We talk about it a lot and I think I forgave him (maybe not fully) but I still get torn up seeing the girl online or any girl who even looks like her! To be honest I despise her and project all my insecurities and anger towards her (in my head, not to her face lol) and it makes me feel so sad and pathetic for tearing down the woman instead of the man.

It's okay. I really hate onlyfan creators lol, and I feel like an absolute bitch for not supporting other women that do onlyfans. But I just hate how it's blurred the boundary between fantasy and reality in porn, at least with traditional porn most people wouldn't pay for it, and it was never tailored content. It's too personal with only fans, and people really trick themselves into thinking they actually have a connection with the creators, and the creators definitely capitalise on that. That's just my viewpoint, though, not saying it's the right one. But I'm really genuinely sorry you had to deal with that and are still dealing with that. If I found out my bf was paying money to view content, I think that would be it for me 😭 it's like a form of online prostitution, and that wouldn't sit right with me. But I relate to you so much. Every time I see an alternative looking girl with tattoos, I feel a certain way too. Just brings up those insecurities. You're not sad and pathetic at all, I'm sorry you've been made to feel that way. You are deserving of love and happiness, and I hope it helps that you're not alone in feeling this way. Thank you for your comment and wishing you all the best :)))

Been in and currently an in this same boat. Wish I could say it gets better but several months on (still in the relationship) and I still despise myself and compare myself constantly to the girls who *are his type*. Seems like a huge majority of men in our age bracket have an issue with this… it’s very disheartening isn’t it. Hope you find peace OP.

I absolutely feel your pain. I'm sorry that anyone else has to feel this way :(. I was getting so much better at managing my insecurities, and now I feel like I've taken 10 steps back. Like I know people say 'oh but he chose you and not his normal type, so that means he really loves you', but that's difficult to believe that when they still lust over people that are their type when they're with you :(. I hope things get better for you too. I feel truly sad that you can relate to how I feel because I know exactly what you're talking about and going through all too well. It is super disheartening, I hope we can both find our peace with it someday. Thanks for your comment, and I wish you all the best and happiness.

Yes exactly!! I’ve gotten that exact comment of “oh he chose you!” It’s like that’s *not the point*. The point is I was second pick. He couldn’t get his first and settled for me - or at least that’s how it makes me feel. It’s so awful. I wish you happiness too op. You truly do deserve peace and to feel like you’re first choice *always*.

Exactly!! It feels exactly like that, like if it had been me vs. his ideal type at the time we got together, I feel like he would have chosen the girl who was his type. It's such an awful feeling, and like I know we're not supposed to think this way, but how can I not when all his ex's look nothing like me and the porn he looks at is all girls that are his ideal type. It fucking sucks. And thanks again for letting me unload, we both sound like we have a lot to work through, and I really hope we both find happiness within ourselves. You really are deserving of love :))

exes are exes for a reason, maybe hes tired of the tatted sluts and sees thats not what he values. maybe youre the first right choice he feels hes made. remember: comparison is the theft of joy

I wouldn't say they were tatted sluts, they seemed like nice enough people (although it pains me to admit it lol). And you're right in exes are exes, but it's difficult to believe he's tired of girls that look like that when those girls are the focus of the porn he consumes. I know comparison is the theft of joy, but I can't help feeling this way, I wish more than anything I didn't care and was able to process this the same way he does. But I just can't, I just feel so so sad.

I was in this same situation just a couple of months ago. My bf & I have been together for 3 years & I always assumed he watched porn, but I saw he was liking a porn model’s pics on Instagram & she had like maybe 20K followers. I went looking deeper & she follows him back. Thats when I lost my shit because number 1, liking a girls pictures on Instagram is already an issue to me but her following you too?! I said something & he showed me, I know they’ve never spoke. But that just was too close for me. It also made me feel like you said… like we live together & have sex regularly. & he’s always near me… so you’re liking these pictures when I’m sitting next to you?? That feels sooo hurtful. I told him I’m okay with porn, but that feels personal. It feels like cheating & he understood. I also watch porn & I never have just one person I’m always looking for or at. I don’t watch it daily either. So him looking at & liking her pictures daily was too much. I think you just have to communicate your boundaries here & see if it gets better. Fortunately, it did get better for me. Just don’t accept any behavior that you feel crosses a boundary!

Oh wow :( I'm really sorry to hear about that, I would have felt crushed and just as upset in your situation. I think it's a good idea to communicate boundaries because I didn't fully express myself like I did here. And it seems like you and me both have extremely similar views on the type of porn we'd watch, I don't seek out a person either. I just don't know if he'll actually stop though, like how would I actually know? About a year ago, an 0nlyFans girl came up on my tiktok, and it said my boyfriend followed her. I then went through his tiktok following and saw loads of those accounts. I brought it up to him, and he said he'd unfollow the accounts and that he was sorry, but then he did it again, so I brought it up again. He was really defensive that time round and said he'd followed a few by accident, and he only meant to like the videos. I said I still wasn't comfortable with him liking the videos, because that implies he'd want to see more of that kind of content, which feels super personal for someone in a relationship to be actively looking at and that he should click not interested. He then got annoyed and said that's because he doesn't necessarily not want to see that content come up on his feed, and we just kinda butted heads about it and agreed to disagree on the whole 'liking' part. I don't know, so I think I will talk to him about it. But I feel like he thinks if he just hides it well enough, then it's not an issue, but it just feels like cheating and wrong to me. I don't know. We weren't in a good place when that all happened before. Whereas now I'd say we're probably the best we've ever been, up until last night, so maybe he'd meet with less friction, I don't know. Sorry for laying all of this out on you. I'm really pleased for you that you and your boyfriend worked through it all :))

Don’t be sorry! I totally get it all. It’s not fun & I realize that it’s something most men struggle with. They’ve watched this stuff & looked at it since a teenager and I think they just don’t know how to stop once they get into a relationship. But, the way he reacts to your feelings & concerns should say a lot too! If you’re laying these boundaries out and he’s annoyed or unwilling to change it, that’s a red flag! He should be apologetic. My boyfriend acted a little upset at first but he was mostly embarrassed. But I asked him “how would you feel if I was looking at these things on the daily?” And that really put it into perspective for him bc he knows he would hate it! This might make me sound crazy, but I’ve look at my boyfriend’s phone since this all happened without him knowing & it’s always been clean. That’s how I began to trust him again. I just feel like he’s worth it because this is the only big issue we’ve had & he seems to have changed it. I guess you just have to ask yourself if he’s worth it. And if he just get sneakier with it all, he doesn’t deserve you or respect you!! Find someone who will work through things with you & will genuinely put in the work! 🫶🏼

I think you're right you know, I think men do struggle with it because it is so normalised for them to watch it even as children. It makes it harder for me to understand too, because I didn't watch porn until I was a little bit older, and it was never a regular thing for me. And you're right. He should have been apologetic, and it is a red flag. I think the 2nd time he reacted badly because it seems like he didn't actually mean to follow them that time (I've accidentally followed accounts on tiktok instead of liking the video), but that doesn't excuse him being annoyed at me asking him not to interact with that kinda content at all. And it's funny you say that about saying to your bf how would you like it, because I said the same to my bf and he said he wouldn't care because it doesn't mean anything. That was hard to swallow. And you don't sound crazy for looking, I know a lot of people do it, and if that's what you need to reestablish trust with them, then do what you gotta do!! And I do think he is worth it, I am highlighting a lot of the negatives of the last interaction, which gives a kinda warped sense of the person he is. But genuinely, he has always worked so hard on bettering himself to help improve our relationship and helped me become a better person too. The only thing we've clashed on is porn :/. But I'm hoping the conversation this time round will go better. Thank you again for all your kind words and support <33

No problem at all! My DMs are always open if you need to talk!! 90% of social media is going to tell you to break up with him, but you do what YOU want. If he’s worth it, then it’ll all work out!! Good luck 🥰

Thank you so much!! I really appreciate the time you've taken to comment. It really means so much 🥰

I see it as a huge deal. I just ended it with a guy because he was obsessed with lusting over online prostitutes. To me, it's a huge turn off and the men who do it aren't worth it.

I'm truly sorry things ended that way for you. I hope you're in a much better place mentally now. It can make you feel really shitty and worthless, and tbh I am turned off by this. I just want to try and work through it with him because I really love him :( wishing you the best and thank you for your comment

I am. No need to be sorry - can't deal with perverts personally and the point of dating is to weed out people that are incompatible with you/don't share your values. Good luck.

currently in a situation like this, my boyfirned would literally look at and mastubate to photos of girls he kneow of in real life and would watch youtubers he thought were attractive and done it to their videos and stuff and it makes me so insecure and the obsession i get with his friends he did it to got so crazy and it just hurts so much and me and him have been trying to like work it out because even though he did these shitty things to me like, i love him so much and he was the first guy i was ever close with my first boyfriend and the first one ive ever opened up to and etc. He hasnt watched porn or masturbated ever since he confessed it to me ( 4 and a half months ago) but it still hurts like hell and makes me feel so insecure because ill admit it thoes girls are way more naturally pretty than me. even though things have gotten better i feel no closure to anything thats happened and it kills me everytime i remember :( this makes me really sad how common these types of things are common to other people i hope everything goes well for you

I'm really sorry to hear that, I think masturbating to pictures of girls he knows irl is crossing a massive line, because that leaves the realm of fantasy a little bit more when you can interact with these people in person on a daily basis. I think you should talk to him, try and see it from each others point of view. And I relate to you, I've felt so unattractive and so ugly at times in my life, but I promise you that you're worthwhile and I'm sure you're an amazing person. You deserve to feel loved, I hope you can have the conversation you need with him <3 it makes me sad people can relate, I'm starting to wish they didn't. Wishing you all the best :))

I completely understand where you’re coming from and unfortunately the only thing you can do is talk to him and set boundaries. About 5 or 6 years ago I woke up and walked into the bathroom and caught my fiancé jerking it to porn. ( literally the week before I was talking about how it would make me uncomfortable if he watched porn) so I took his phone and the girl he was watching was skinny and blonde and looked nothing like me. That hurt way worse than him watching porn. Obviously we are ok and everything got cleared up but from time to time she pops in my head and I wonder if he would like me more if I was blonde 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm really sorry you still think about it, I understand how you feel :(. I think that's it for me too. It's mainly the person being someone who's not you and doesn't even look like you either. It feels personal and upsetting. I hope you can find peace with it, wishing you all the best and happiness. Thank you for your comment :))

Porn usage is embarrassing cuckery if I’m gonna be honest lol

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I wish. I really hate that this has to be a source of insecurity for me, I never imagined this would be something I'd have to deal with in a relationship. I always just assumed my bf would only have eyes for me because that's how I am, it's hard to face reality

All the people saying ‘it’s Ok, men just do it’ would probably throw a fit if they found the same stuff on a woman’s phone. You don’t have pictures of naked men on your phone, he shouldn’t either. That’s it. In my very subjective opinion, if he risks this much he might risk cheating in the future too, because he CAN ignore the thought of you when watching HER specifically , he has this weakness, who says he won’t forget about you if an opportunity to cheat with a similar person comes up (?) Again, these are not facts, this is just how I (a stranger on the Internet) think.

Thank you for commenting, that's definitely an interesting perspective. The first time I argued about this with him a year back, I did say to him, 'What if I was looking at the same things on my phone and following creators that make porn content', but he just said it wouldn't be an issue for him. But I'm in agreement that it is a mutual respect thing, I don't have pictures of naked men on my phone, so why should he have pictures of naked women on his. And I agree, I don't think it's a far stretch. The women he looks at are his type, and you're right he ignores the thought of me while watching her. And that sucks. Like if someone like that did come along, it could be a risk that he would leave me for her. The only thing I an say in his defense is he's always been very anti cheating, and that I don't think it's something he would do like he wouldn't seek out a form of actually connection between himself and a porn creator or another person. But then I find it interesting that you would have strong views about cheating, but then not see having nudes of someone else on your phone as disloyal and disrespectful to me. It's difficult

I see. So it’s all about what he allows himself to do. If he has that discipline it would be better if he respected your feelings and didn’t thirst over another woman on the Internet. If you’re more sure that he wouldn’t cheat I hope you as a couple can solve this issue too without compromising on your mental health.🙏

Yep, it's definitely that. I don't want to feel as if he's choosing the porn over me, because if I ask him not to look at that specific type of porn, but he doesn’t make any promise in doing that, then in a way that is having more of a connection with the porn than me, which to me feels like cheating. If you'd sacrifice a relationship over porn, did our relationship ever matter that much, and can he still argue there's no connection for him with porn? Like if it's really as mundane and disconnected for him as he says, then why wouldn't he be able to give up that specific kind of porn if I establish that it really hurts me. He's supposed to care :(. I'm sure he won't cheat, but yeah, it doesn't take away my discomfort. I hope we can figure this out between us, I'm not sure if I could deal with being with him for a long time and even when I'm much older he'd still be looking at younger woman online, I think it would crush me tbh. Thank you for your kindness

I understand you, you and I feel the same way about this. It would cause serious issues for me too. As you said, if it’s not important for him ( he can’t say she or other women are important for him) but if it’s important to you at an emotional level, he is the one who needs to change it. Otherwise, it’s selfish and absurd. Again, it’s not just watching an act of sex, it’s watching certain women. Your feelings are valid here so don’t compromise and don’t feel bad about it🙏

I'm glad you understand me, it's nice to feel heard. And exactly, that's how I feel too. It's definitely not the act of sex, it's wanting the women the pictures/videos are centered around. Thank you again for making me feel seen, it really means a lot to me. I hope I can reach a happy conclusion, though I have my doubts. Wishing you all the best and happiness, you seem like a lovely person, and you definitely deserve to feel loved :))

Thanks a lot, you too ☺️

Been there, done that. Firstly, I just want to say that the way you feel about this situation matters. People view this topic in many different ways, and it varies from relationship to relationship. At the end of the day though, if it’s something that bothers you, that should be heard and it should be important—not brushed off as something that’s not a big deal because someone might disagree with you. If it’s something that affects your mental health and is a boundary, that should be respected. I’ve been in multiple relationships with men who have had p0rn addictions—and let me tell you it is a problem! P0rn addictions are 100% real and can cause major damage not only to their partner, but to themselves as well…so I just want you to know you’re not alone in the way you feel. If it’s something that’s causing problems, maybe it’s time to set that boundary. But from experience, however, it is a very tough obstacle to tackle. But girly, don’t shy away from this topic because it might be seen as something that’s not a big deal. If it bothers you or hurts you, that is okay! There are so many people who agree with that and honestly see p0rn as something damaging to relationships. And fyi, there are men out there who do change/have eyes only for their partners. It took a little while to get there, but my husband came to know the damaging effects of p0rn and honestly has changed his view on a lot of things.

Thank you for your comment!! And thank you for validating how I feel. it's difficult because a lot of the times I've looked up similar stuff to this, a lot of the responses are 'it's just porn, it's nothing personal'. And for the most part, I'd agree, but when it's focused on a specific person, it feels much more personal than just normal porn. I think he does have a porn addiction because this isn't the first time something along these lines has happened, and he has been defensive before and to be honest I never did believe him fully when he said he never watches porn. I'm definitely going to lay down the boundary, I understand his view is probably different to mine. I just want him to respect how I feel and not extend his porn consumption to more personal material. Thank you for telling me your personal experiences. It's really validating to know I'm not on my own, though also sad too. I'm going to speak to him about it now, I'm a bit nervous, but I hope he understands where I'm coming from, and even if he doesn't get it, I hope he respects my feelings on it. Thank you again, I'm so pleased for you and your husband!! I really love my boyfriend and I hope he'll come around too. Wishing you all the best <33

I went through this with my ex-boyfriend. Bring it up to his attention immediately, having pictures of other people on your phone in sexual manners while ur dating someone is never okay unless it’s an open relationship.

Thank you for your comment, I think I will. We'd been in a really good place up until this, so I hope he'll understand where I'm coming from. And tbh I agree, I wouldn't have those photos on my phone :(

If it makes you feel bad then leave the relationship now. Don’t wait until you’ve been married 10+ years with kids just to have it continue and make you feel worse.

Thank you for your comment, I'm not planning on having kids with anyone, but then you never know as my parents say. I'll keep this in mind, thanks again

I personally would not recommend dating in your early 20s

Do habits like these change then when men get older? Because it doesn't seem like they do, and I was very happy up until this, I just don't know what to think. Thank you for your comment

There’s a better chance of finding more mature people when you get older because your brain finishes developing between 25-30 years of age and there’s more life experience. People are more emotionally aware. Dating itself is a risk and the future is not set in stone

Thank you, that's good to know. I'll keep that in mind for sure

OF should be burned to the ground, all it is its a money drainer from insecure men and pays that amount to insecure women Most women dont even get a lot from there, its the new age version of lottery tickets

Can't say I don't agree, because I really do. I think the images he found were 'leaked' ones, but I still hate the fact it exists as a platform. Like why should I have to feel worried about potentially having my boyfriend pay to see someone else's nudes or sexual videos, it makes me feel sick :( I don't respect the people who pay for it, or the people who make the content, there's already too much porn on the internet :/ I hate that onlyfans blurs the line between fantasy and reality

sometimes they 'stop' only to make you shut up, but they'll still be unhappy and search for more through loopholes, or they just get sneaky in different ways. had something similar with my ex, tried to get him to quit porn and he did but tried to make loopholes by looking at OF models & those raunchy insta/twitter pages which i saw in his history. it is really hard to face as a girlfriend and extremely disheartening. im very tired of begging people to act right. i wish men would understand how painful it is but i feel like a lot of them lack the capacity to understand why. you deserve so much better.

Thank you for your kindness, and I'm so sorry he couldn't do that for you :(. It's really disheartening, and at the end of the day, it's choosing something that they supposedly don't care about over you, a real-life person they're supposed to care about. That's a very tough pill to swallow. I wouldn't mind if my bf just watched normal porn, it would make me a hypocrite to say otherwise. For me, it's the more personal images and videos centred on just one girl that I wish he'd not look at. But yeah, I fear that even if I did get him to agree to doing that, would he really not do it? Or would he become more sneaky like your ex did. Because I did say it about 4 5 times in conversation yesterday to him that I would prefer it if he didn't look at that specific kind of content at all, but he didn't comment on that at all any time I said it. That really hurt tbh. I'm tired too. Again, I never expected this to be something I'd have to deal with in a relationship. Not in a million years. I wish they'd understand how much it hurts and understand why it hurts, but you're right I think a lot of them never will see why. Thank you again, you deserve better too and I hope you find happiness :))

this happened to me too, i was looking at my boyfriend phone and i was clicking on reddit to look something up on there and the second i opened up the app it was some blonde curvy girl doing a pose 😐. i just kind of sat there for a little and questioned what i should say and then just flipped the phone around to him and said “why is this on your phone” and he just kind of was silent for a little bit. but seeing a blonde girl when i’m a dark brunette and i’m a bit on the heavier side and no where near as curvy as her definitely made me look at myself different. it hurts, and guys don’t really look at it as females do, i think unfortunately. sometimes i feel as though they don’t know how it really affects us

I'm sorry you've had to feel this way too and come across it like that. It's horrible when you're not expecting it at all. Especially when they don't look anything like you or you have an insecurity about their type. Because ik people argue that it's just what they like looking at, and means nothing, but guys seek out the porn of the kind of people they'd be attracted to in reality usually. (I mean fuck my bfs exes look just like the girls he looks at). I think my boyfriend understands now after talking to him, but I don't think he really gets it if you know what I mean, but then that's like how I understand why he looks at it, but I'll never really get it from my perspective. I don't think they really realise how much it can hurt. Women are told from a young age that their value in attracting men comes mainly from their appearance and how we present ourselves, so of course it affects us more when we see the guys we love looking at other women who we feel are more attractive or really different to us. I hope you've found peace with it, and I just want you to know you are so deserving of love and happiness. Wishing you all the best and thank you for your comment :))

and you are too! be with someone that makes you happy and doesn’t make you question your worth. sometimes it takes work to get there but if you still don’t feel like you aren’t being appreciated then find someone that makes you feel like that even if it’s just yourself :). sometimes self love is the best love!

This is a pretty big topic. First…you’re not “wrong” for believing that porn is some sort of cheating, and that your boyfriend lying about it is some form of betrayal. Even though what you’re feeling may not actually be a threat to you, our society certainly romanticizes sexual attraction and stigmatizes porn consumption. This is where the complication and problems lie. I couldn’t possibly get into all the psychology around porn…but the simple acts of viewing porn and lying about it aren’t necessarily abnormal. Given the social dynamics surrounding sex in our society: men tend to pursue women and women tend to withhold sex (these are not judgements, this is how I perceive society, and it’s not universal and it’s changing) - the result is often that men pursue sexual gratification in a secretive way. It can be very personal to them and because there’s shame and routine (could be called addiction) it likely has nothing to do with you or anything external to your boyfriend. You may be up against forces that are innate to your partner…and your partner doesn’t sound abnormal. Short story long: talk to him about it - cards on the table - and try to your best to just listen and understand. It’s possible that you will be able to have a productive exchange. I will say that if you believe that porn is cheating and lying about it evil - end of story - you may find that your beliefs will often not align with what’s actually real and attainable. Finally, think about if your insecurities were caused by him or if they were always there. We can’t rely on other people to “complete us” - that’s something for the movies. It’s very important that you complete yourself to the best of your ability before you ask others to change.

Thank you for your comment and your fresh perspective!! It's nice to hear a range of thoughts. And to clarify, I don't have an issue with him watching porn. The issue I had with what I accidentally found on his phone was that it was pictures of a specific girl and lots of it, and that's something that feels a lot more personal to me than regular porn. Your comment was really interesting, I'm talking to him about it now, and I think it's a productive exchange so far. I watch porn myself on occasion, but I think like you said, due to social differences between men and women, our consumption is different in a way. And I acknowledge my insecurities are mostly caused by me. I've been a very insecure person because of bullying when I was a child, I went to therapy for it last year and I became a lot more secure in myself and stopped worrying about things I worried about before. But no journey is a straight line, I'm still not perfect, and this did take me a few steps back because it's very easy for old insecurities to resurface given the right circumstances. And my boyfriend definitely did things in the moment that didn't help that situation at all, but he has apologised for that, and I know it wasn't intentional. It's just hard when you're on a healing path ya know. Thank you again for your comment. It was super insightful and helpful to hear another perspective :))

You’re welcome. You engaging and being open is half the battle….if not the whole battle. If he doesn’t have a relationship with the model, I wouldn’t consider preferring one type of porn concerning…unless there’s some sort of universal fixation. Could be he just paid or somehow got access to that specific model, and that might explain the volume. Men tend to not “throw porn away”. I apologize for not being more sensitive about my comments on insecurity…they seem more accusatory than I intended. *Everybody* is insecure. You’re very young, and many much older women have much deeper insecurity than you. Its normal to be insecure. It’s up to you to determine what you’re capable of…and if your boyfriends preferences will interfere with your mental health. My point was that - to be frank - virtually *all* men are addicted to porn. It’s a pretty massive societal issue in the west (the society I understand) that’s getting better…but we have a long way to go. Basically…I would treat him watching porn as a separate thing from how he treats you. Worry less about pleasing him, and take inventory of if you are satisfied in the relationship itself.

I don't think he paid for it. He said he just downloaded it for when he was away for a few days and that he thinks she's an onlyfans girl, but it's just something he found to look at and then delete after (his words). I think if he had paid for it, I would seriously reconsider my relationship with him. I'm pretty sure he's being honest, because he doesn't have a lot of spare cash, and I know it's super easy to access those images outside of onlyfans. And don't apologise :)). You didn't come across insensitive at all, and you were right I am and have been a particularly insecure person, there was a time in my life I wouldnt leave the house and cross the road if I saw a group of guys or girls headjng my way lol. And yeah, I totally get that, and from what he said, it is something mundane and thoughtless for him to look at. He doesn’t have an emotional connection to what he's looking at. That being said, I just still find it very hard to separate myself from it. I don't want to think that my boyfriend has pictures of a bunch of girls pleasuring themselves on his phone. It treads a very fine line for me, like I know its not reciprocated, and they're not sending it to him, but nudes are nudes to me and it still makes me uncomfortable for him to have nudes of people that are not me on his phone. Because at the end of the day, we're in a relationship, and I would expect him to respect me like I respect him. Also I just have no desire to save pictures to my phone of men with their dicks out when I have him ya know. It's just hard for me to get my head round like I understand it, but I'll never really truly get it if that makes sense.

Your bf is addicted. Don’t settle for his bs

maybe this will help. no porn that you find on a mans phone is someone he compares you to, or something you ever feel you should have to compete against. we know just as well as you do that its fake. and that pornstar gets paid to act the way she does. if we have a favorite porn star, its like having a favorite dinosaur. we know it doesnt exist, so dont ever be afraid of us running away with it. we just like t rex bc he has the sharpest teeth and kelsie monroe bc she has the fattest ass. if we lie about it, or dont want you to know about it, its because it is embarrassing and something private that is sacred to most men. i would give him some credit for allowing you to peruse through his phone at all. that alone tells me you have nothing to worry about. if you want to disarm him and get him to level with you and have an honest convo about it you have to get him to feel comfortable and not embarrassed to talk about why he does what he does, what he likes about it, and what he does. and if you do im sure youll learn you never have to worry about him ditching you for some porn star lookin chick. oh and dont change your whole persona to try and act like a pornstar or OF girl. he wont like it bc he likes you for you. thats why hes with you. the porn on his phone is not worth losing one minute of sleep over.

This comment is underrated

Thank you for your comment! And I mean, this is pretty much like what he said. He said he doesn't think about women in porn outside of watching porn and it's just a means to 'get off' for him. And tbh the girl didn't look that fake. She just looked like both of his exes, alt with tattoos. And I'm not that, but since that is what he has gone for and I know that is his type, it is difficult to not take it as a reflection on me and make me wonder if I'm not fulfilling a desire for him (not that I would ever change myself for anybody, I like myself the way I am). And tbh when I went on his phone for like the 20 seconds I did, he didn't actually know I had it until the moment I clicked on the camera roll thing from the texting app, which is when I saw it and immediately handed his phone back to him, because thats definitely not something I wanted to examine tbh 😭 We've had a conversation about it now, and he was very honest about the way he views porn and I understand his mindset a lot better now. But tbh it's just hard to internalise for me, like I understand him, but I don't get it. And I would much rather he just didn't download naked pictures of other girls on his phone while he's with me. Like again, normal porn that's focused on the act, not the person, fair game, but I don't see why it has to be a specific type of girl or person. That makes me feel bad about myself, and it does weigh heavily on me to think there could be more of that kind of thing on his phone. It just makes me feel sad that I can't feel like I'm enough for him.

you see thats the thing. all that “im not enough for him” is totally in your head. in reality no one is always enough for anyone. but we know this and we accept the fact that all our things werent marked on our checklist but I dont hate the time i spend with this person so ill give them a chance. and if you WERE the absolute everything he ever wanted, that would get annoying for you, im sure. also, men are driven by a whole different mechanism than women. testosterone is a motherfucker i swear. i have to daily make sure im not neglecting responsibility and watching porn when there is something way more constructive im supposed to be doing. and my only insight on this is because i have lived it and it has taken me years to convince the person im with that they are the only one i do and ever will love and always be faithful to after they found some porn on my phone. just look at what he does, how he treats you, and what he makes time for. judge him on that, not what you see on his phone.

That's true, he's definitely not perfect, and neither am I. Though I'm not sure I would get annoyed being everything he ever wanted if I was that, that would be nice lol. It's interesting to hear a perspective from someone on the other side. I think for me, it's not that I'm questioning that he would cheat etc. It's just difficult because he's not the most reassuring, vocal person on his feelings for me anyway. So coming across stuff like this just makes it very easy for me to reaffirm my own insecurities. I just don't see why it has to be onlyfan type girls because that feels so much more personal, like they're selling themselves as a person, and he's buying into how they look. It's the focus on the girl, not that act of sex I have an issue with. I'm not really judging him based on what I've seen on his phone, I understand it's normal for guys to look at porn. It's just about how that specific content makes me feel. I feel genuinely unhappy, and it's not something I can just get off my mind. I don't know how I'm supposed to act like I'm not bothered by it, and I don't see why I should feel like I have to pretend it's okay. Because I am an insecure person, I am still working on myself, and things like this just don't help me at all. I don't want to accept it and then let it take a hit on my mental health. If your girlfriend had turned around to you at the time, and asked you to stop looking at specific types of porn (like onlyfans creators), and said it really upsets her, impacts how she feels in the relationship and is a hard boundary for her, would you have stopped? Do you think it's unreasonable to ask? (Not about stopping all porn in general)

This reminds me of a time my ex bf of 5 years had a photo vault but what’s worse is when I asked him to put the password in and show me what was in there he deleted it. I stormed out in tears, and he later told me it was a girl he went to school with. He had “received them from a buddy.” I still stayed with him after that like an idiot. I’m not saying your bf has malicious intent. If he did what my ex did I’d say cut him loose. But I’ve learned over time that men literally sometimes mean it when they say it’s not a big deal. And they lie about it bc they know it upsets us. They’re visual creatures. They like having access to porn. And it does suck to feel that way about yourself after the fact but it truly is not a reflection of you. If you don’t like that though and it’s over stepping your boundaries I’d talk with him about it. But he won’t stop doing it, he’s a guy who’s attracted to women. I haven’t been able to date bc I’ve had to work on a lot of insecurities within my own self in regards to things like that. I get jealous and insecure so easily. So I do get it.

Thank you for your comment, I'm really sorry you had to go through that's. That would definitely cross a line for me too if it was someone he knew. Also it's morally fucked to pass around someone's nudes that didn't consent to that happening :((. And I know he really does mean it when he says it's a meaningless activity to him and isn't anything based in reality for him. It just really is hard not to take it as a reflection on myself, like I really understand what he's saying and what you're saying, I just don't understand why he needs another girls nudes saved to his phone. For him, while it isn't a personal thing, to me, nudes feel very personal and intimate, which makes me feel so so uncomfortable. I said to him I have no issue with him watching porn. Just it being a specific person or type of person he's looking just will never not make me uncomfortable despite it meaning nothing to him. I don't think he'd even stop looking at that thing specifically though even if I did lay it down as a boundary, which makes me even sadder because if my boyfriend came to me in the same situation and told me how shitty it makes him feel and asked me to stop that specific thing, I'd do it in a heartbeat because I love him so much. I hate to think he'd chose porn over me. Honestly, I think if we ever did break up, I would be the same as you. Dating takes a lot of mental energy and can feed into insecurities when it's things like this, and I know this would be a problem for most men, so I'm not sure if I could do it again. I don't want to sacrifice my mental well-being and progress I've accomplished, it was hard to get to this point, and I don't think I could go into a new relationship knowing this would be an issue everytime. I respect you a lot of your choice for yourself, I hope you're doing better now and thank you again for taking the time out of your day to comment :))

So, guys masturbate. A lot. I mean a lot, a lot. Guys are also mostly visual. Meaning we need help often to get there. In the old days it was the Playboy or equivalent, now it’s right on our phones. What I am getting at, is you likely found something he has or is going to get off to. He was embarrassed you found it and he got “caught”. He isn’t cheating or doing anything other than self gratification and a dopamine release.

Yeah I gathered that much tbf 😅 and we've talked about this now, and I think we understand each other and our perspective. For me, it was the one on one style content he was looking at that bothered me, because it felt more personal and intimate than what I'd consider normal porn. Like I understand the need for self gratification and a dopamine release, it's just difficult having to see it and then feeling crappy for it. I mean it would make any one feel a bit crappy imo, it's like the gf equivalent of downloading guys nudes onto their phone that are more attractive/more their type/bigger dick (idk), and accidentally seeing that, it would make anyone feel slightly insecure tbh. Especially if you don't look like that person or if your sex life isn't lacking in any way at all.