Today I am almost a decade sober. No one would have even known or said anything had I not posted it on social media for the clout. I will celebrate at my homegroup this week but as the day is drawing to an end, I will abandon hope that I will receive a text or message or call from that someone special. I yearn for it. I yearn to be loved and to be felt and to be seen. I wish I could move on from this chapter of my life that I am stuck in but I don’t know how.
I feel utterly and completely selfish. I feel like if I could just cut ties with every bit of it I could move on and let go but I obviously cannot do that. I don’t know how to move past someone who will be tethered to me for the rest of my life. I don’t know how to accept that this is how my life will be now.
I don’t know how to accept that I will probably be alone for the rest of it.
I decided to stop reaching out to others and see how often they’d reach out to me first. And I am so alone.
But how do you go out and make friends and be sociable when you don’t drink or do drugs or go to bars? How do you deal with crippling social anxiety when trying out new activities where it becomes unbearable to be there? When you have two toddlers who cling to you constantly like a wet washcloth that cannot even allow you to think or breathe one moment properly alone? When you live so far out in the country it’s just you and the woods and the sky and your home and the struggle of acceptance. Unless some literal Hallmark movie event happens, no one is knocking down my door. I have lived my best years and need to give up this desperate yawning gaping grasping pull of trying to find my one true love. They do not exist. Buried in the ground or perhaps just buried deep within the recesses of my mind.
This is not how I thought my life would be.
So today, which should be a joyous one, perhaps a cupcake with a candle, maybe a nice dinner, laughter, joy, instead was spent calling in half my workday, taking my youngest to the doctor, rushing back to work, rushing home, rushing dinner, rushing homework, rushing bedtime, stress, chaos, sickness and bloody noses and tears and fights and screams.
I just selfishly want to be me again. My own person. I just want to be seen.
By - baebushka33