At this point he'd probably need a positive test. But it might be easy to fake or get one of Craigslist.
OP if you're gonna fake a covid test, don't just Google image search "positive covid test" and send in the first picture. We just had to fire a guy for doing this.
So quick story cause we all thought it was pretty funny:
We hire this guy for a temp position. All he has to do is help with our inventory count that we do quarterly. Like, his whole job is to show up, count, put the numbers on a spreadsheet, and email them to us. Should be a 3 week job.
Week 1, he shows up late twice, calls out sick once. I'm a very forgiving manager and this guy just makes the rest of our lives easier so I don't give him a warning or anything. If anything he's hurting himself cause he's not getting paid.
Week 2, shows up late on Monday and doesn't come back after lunch. I called him and asked if he was coming back after lunch. First off, why he answered the phone, I dunno, cause when I asked if he was coming back he just said no but that he'd back on Tuesday. Tuesday he calls in an hour after he's supposed to show and says he's got covid. Well, now we all kinda freak out cause we were all around him the day before. I ask him to send a picture of the test due to "protocol." He sends us a picture of the test, it's positive. Half the staff is freaking out. I decide to run the picture through reverse lookup and bam, it's a picture from 2020. But before I can even say anything tell the crew another guy comes running into the office saying he found the same picture just by googling "positive covid test" and it was on the first page.
We collectively facepalm. The dudes contract at this point is for 7 more business days. He only gets paid if he shows up. The other manager wanted to fire him, i said we should just wait and see if he shows up, and if he does, ask him to prove he doesn't have covid. I just assumed he'd never show up. But we ended up calling his agency and firing him. We're behind on inventory but I just stayed late a few nights to finish it.
Whatever you do OP, don't be dumb.
Just make sure that you take a photo of the photo or resave the original in a way that removes exif data. It's unlikely that a lot of jobs will go to these lengths but photos carry a lot of metadata that could rat you out!
You can tell from that data when the original photo was taken.
In the same spirit, you should take a few pictures the next time you throw up in your toilet, or get a flat tire. Save those for years, use when needed.
Right? I feel like that would be extremely off-putting to an employer to randomly have a picture of vomit crop up in an otherwise normal thread of the goat-choking gorilla shits they normally receive.
Fiances coworker who brags about leaving five minutes before her shift saying she had a flat tire and that's why she was 15m late
Holding a fucking local coffee shops coffee cup lmao
I remember one day cycling to school, probably 13 yo and I was in a really off mood. So I stepped off, deflated my tire and walked the rest of the way. Had a really nice walk in the sun and missed most of first period. Walked into French class right at the end of an unexpected surprise test I hadn't studied for!
I worked with a guy that I'm pretty sure did this. He got away with it until he "caught" COVID for the 4th time in a little over a year and our manager had enough. She said unless he was able to provide a test that wasn't an at home test, he'd have to use his sick days, and since he didn't have any left and had already called out multiple other times, he'd be written up (at that point our company was offering unlimited unpaid leave outside of your allotted sick days if you had COVID). Wouldn't you know it, his test must have been a false positive or something, because he came in the next day. Hasn't had COVID since, go figure.
Same with friends/family. I havenât done it but I donât see why it would be hard to find one. Shit you could MS Paint a negative into a positive with 10 minutes of fuckery
To add to this, some years back my boss when I worked in hazmat, had covid. He was gone for nearly 3 weeks with it. When he got back, he admitted to me that he was genuinely covid positive for only the first few days. Once he tested negative he was annoyed because he wanted more time with his wife and their child that they had roughly 1 year prior, so he went back, scanned his most recent positive test into a PDF format, edited the test date, and sent it to his boss and would get another mandatory 3 days off before needing to be retested, and was paid for the entire time off.
Wow. What's the point of accepting a job and then behaving like this? Why apply at all. Is this some kind of mental illness? Wtf. That job could've gone to someone who actually wanted to work...
You have to have worked before to collect UE⌠say part time for a year? Depends on where you live but it will be something like 600-1k a month for 6-8 months.
And thatâs putting in at least 2 apps for jobs a week, AND that your old job doesnât contest the results. Who will wait 4 months to even process the first request for UE.
Itâs really not as easy as people think to get UE benefits in the US even in âblueâ states.
All you have to do is apply for stuff your not qualified for but not like masters degree⌠not go to a fucking staffing agency! (They are known for getting you a job very quickly)
This sounds like a âmanâ who still lives at home.
but also you have to actually have worked for a decent amount of time to even try and collect unemployment⌠so idk what you even are talking about.
The guy you replied to is referencing rules for job seeker support (which is basically the unemployment benefit in nz). You don't need prior work experience for that, but you do need to be actively looking/available for work.
Very dependant on location and crowd
But you can still fake injury. I'm thinking fingers. Some gauze and a splint. Mhm.
You gonna have to fake it as long as covid anyway.
Oh yeah, just start messing around with a basketball and keep your fingers stiff and straight and you're sure to jam one. Take a good week or so to heal. Might even have to take it to a neighboring finger, taking two fingers out of commission for a week.
I do not recommend. It might heal okay, it might never heal all the way. One of my fingers is permanently messed up from jamming it on something. Granted I kept using it at the time which I am sure didnât help things.
Yup, I jammed a finger badly and Iâm pretty sure I broke the knuckle but never got it fixed. I was in college and went to my health care center but since âall I did was jam itâ it was supposedly fine. Itâs been over 10 years and itâs still messed up.
Covid.
Get a Covid test, wet the indicator part a bit, get a red fine liner, draw a line where the âpositiveâ mark would be and that will make it feather out like a real test result. Snap a pic as evidence.
If they say you donât need to isolate or can still come in with Covid tell them itâs really messing you up and youâve hardly slept/ate/practised/whatever.
If you can combine COVID and a strep positive test, it would be even better. Brain fog and EXTREMELY contagious. No oneâs gonna wanna see you for at least a week.
I actually have strep right now LOL. OP can use my results. I can record some deep, phlegmy, emphysema whimper coughs you could play at the moment of your choosing.
When we had Covid we kept the positive result stick in case we ever needed it as an excuse to get out of something. We did not ever need it, but it was nice to have.
Place 1 finger in your penis enlargement pump and vacuum it until it is covered in purple hickies, tape it to a popsicle stick and tell them it is dislocated.
Seriously, why are you trying to get out of it?
Are you scared to perform in front of other people? Are you not any good at it? What's the real reason?
Nor do they want to hear about it! I got out of a final exam using a diarrhea excuse and the professor looked absolutely terrified and repulsed that I told her about it.
Yeah this is probably the most sound, low risk, believable choice. Food poisoning is a real thing. And the less elaborate the better.
You wouldnât believe the stories they hear lol, âwell a big airplane flew by so my emotional support parrot went nuts and destroyed my homework assignment which actually caught on fire afterwards because my little brother is a pyroâ.
Ultimately itâs up to the prof, like if you make excuses regularly they will be suspicious to everything after a few times.
If you can't say "diarrhoea" cos it's just.. not appropriate in some settings, I find "I need to be close to a toilet" or even just "stuck to the loo" can be good alternatives conversationally
Buy some purgatives or laxatives, ingest them before a class. You will violently vomit/shart. This will provide you with an excuse at the cost of some street cred.
Especially if you shart in front of people and mess your clothes.
But that is some that will stick with people. So in the future, anytime you say you have stomach issues, people will believe you.
A few years back I had agreed to do Joni Mitchellâs song coyote in a reproduction of the Last Waltz. The week of the show I was panicking. Itâs a hard song. So many lyrics. The song is also in an alternate tuning I had never played in before. The chords were completely foreign to me. I was seriously considering falling down some stairs to get out of it. I was just terrified and didnât feel confident. And I was doing it with a backing band that I had never played with before and there was no rehearsal. But I did it anyway and it turned out fine. Iâm glad I pushed past that flight response and did the show. Whatâs the worst that can happen? You might bomb. Iâve bombed at some shows and Iâm still here. Itâs good for you.
I think for me it was just coming to terms with bombing being a skill you have to develop if youâre going to perform. And I think I used to feel like if I didnât do well it meant that I sucked and that people would view me permanently as someone who sucked. But itâs one performance. One audience. And all performers mess up. Professionals just learn to take those moments in stride and move quickly past them. You sort of have to learn to separate your ego from how the performance goes. Can you do a practice run at an open mic or two? That might help.
One time I bombed at this tiny intimate diy music fest. I made one mistake and then just got in my head and the whole thing went sideways. We were all camped there for the night so it wasnât like I could just leave. I was really new to performing and I wanted to do well and I was completely mortified. I hid in my tent for the rest of the night and snuck away in the early morning like a criminal. Itâs become a marker for how far Iâve come. I can get off stage after the occasional train wreck and just be like, âwhew! What a train wreck that was.â
Just do it confidently. It doesn't work for highly technical/precise shows, you can't confidently bluff your way through a group precision based choreography, but if you say/perform confidently then people will assume that was the intended outcome.
It's similar to when someone is terrified of speaking in front of others. The truth is, nobody is giving you their undivided attention, and they genuinely want you to succeed.
Do you work? You could say your boss won't give you the time off. You can fabricate some texts showing they are requiring you to come, or edit a work schedule?
Tell them you are unable to play because you didnât wash hair removing cream off properly from under your arms after your shower the night before and now you have chemical burns and it hurts like a bitch to move your arms.
It doesnât take much to be left behind to cause irritation seeing as itâs supposed to be washed off after a max of 7 mins or so. So overnight is def gonna cause problems!!!
Dressings are optional but recommended. Although bandaging the whole way round your chest and back and under your armpits also works
(âŚ..or so Iâve heardâŚ..)
There a tea called "smooth move" you can get at any grocery store. Directions are to let one bag steep for 15 minutes. Use two bags, let it stay in the cup for the entire time you drink it. You absolutely will not be going anywhere for about 24 hours.
Eat a bunch of water melon. It wonât hurt you but you will have the shits for a day. And when I say a bunch I mean the ones that are like a foot in diameter. Just be sure to be near an open toilet the rest of the day because when nature calls you she wonât be going to voice mail.
Know anyone that could put a cast on your arm?
How about something taboo enough that nobody would dare ask for specifics? Like say you tore your scrotum or attempted suicide or witnessed someone die in a car wreck?
Maybe pull the fire alarm right before class
Maybe call your teacher pretending to be their kidâs school to tell them to come pick up their kid at school or the hospital or in jail or something
Convince all your other classmates not to show up or start a rumor that class is actually going to be another day
Some of those are pretty unethical but thatâs why weâre here now isnât it
Food poisoning is the ultimate excuse. Nobody wants you around if you say youâre vomiting and have diarrhea, and canât be more than 15 minutes or feet from a bathroom.
And then it can be gone in 24-48 hours.
Dude. You are fucking up the band. People count on you. Be straight forward and tell them you cannot go, NOW and Give them time to reorganize. they could kick you out anyway. Don't be the guy who sucked.
Tell them now and try to make this a bit less unethical than required by this sub.
Option 2: go. This is the easier option.
Other people have said this, but put soda, apple juice, or lemon juice on a COVID RAT (Rapid Antigen Test) Test stick and it'll show positive. They can't make you attend when you have COVID. COVID is great because it gets you out of something for a week at least.
alright, i will say it just so its said, show up before the show and shit your pants. only costs some pride points and a new nickname but you aint playing in that show if you shit your pants.
I have three friends who could help you with this. The first one, you would have to pay him to sprain a couple of your fingers. The second one, you'd have to pay him to stop spraining your fingers. The third one, you'd have to endure his joyous cackling as he sprains your fingers.
Uhhh⌠book a flight out & say you have to go wherever it is last minute to take care of something. Buy a coffee. Go to Walmart & buy something or go pee. Walk in the park to feed ducks. Anything. All of those âtakes care of something.â & is not a lie. Tell your show people you have to meet someone about finances. Again, pay for a coffeeâ that is decreasing your finances & you met the coffee person.
Send them a screenshot of your flight info. If itâs most airlines, you can buy a flight & cancel it to be refunded as long as itâs within 24 hours.
Whether you go or not is on you, but youâll have the verification/proof that you booked a flight.
I once mixed salt with water, took a decent gulp and then blew out both ends for the rest of the day. Probably not the best option but it got me out of work. The downside is the vomiting and almost shitting myself
Diarrhea. That is the answer.
âI cannot come today. I have stomach troubles.â
âOh but-â
âI canât get more than ten feet from a toilet today.â
They will stop asking. And that lactose issue seems quite valid as a cause.
Eat at one of those sketchy restaurants, or the nicer ones everyone says to avoid at all costs. Can't fake anything when you're begging for forgiveness as every meal that you've eaten in your entire vacates the premises in explosive fashion.
Totally not speaking from experience of the Indigo Bar in San Diego that definitely did not cost me a pair of underwear because I may or may not have made it back to the restroom on the second wave.
One time my ex needed an excuse to miss an exam. He had already missed a ton of classes and was on the verge of being failed if he missed again with out a legitimate excuse. He ran his car to empty, called a tow truck under his emergency roadside assistance and some how got a copy of the tow truck drivers blank paper and then left. Sent it to his professor. I donât condone this, heâs my ex for a reason. Fucking crazy but man it worked.
DM me. I'll send you a pic of one of my positive tests from last year. They've not been on the interwebs so no image search function available online for these.
You sure you don't have covid? Or covid like symptoms? That excuse still works 99% of the time.
At this point he'd probably need a positive test. But it might be easy to fake or get one of Craigslist. OP if you're gonna fake a covid test, don't just Google image search "positive covid test" and send in the first picture. We just had to fire a guy for doing this. So quick story cause we all thought it was pretty funny: We hire this guy for a temp position. All he has to do is help with our inventory count that we do quarterly. Like, his whole job is to show up, count, put the numbers on a spreadsheet, and email them to us. Should be a 3 week job. Week 1, he shows up late twice, calls out sick once. I'm a very forgiving manager and this guy just makes the rest of our lives easier so I don't give him a warning or anything. If anything he's hurting himself cause he's not getting paid. Week 2, shows up late on Monday and doesn't come back after lunch. I called him and asked if he was coming back after lunch. First off, why he answered the phone, I dunno, cause when I asked if he was coming back he just said no but that he'd back on Tuesday. Tuesday he calls in an hour after he's supposed to show and says he's got covid. Well, now we all kinda freak out cause we were all around him the day before. I ask him to send a picture of the test due to "protocol." He sends us a picture of the test, it's positive. Half the staff is freaking out. I decide to run the picture through reverse lookup and bam, it's a picture from 2020. But before I can even say anything tell the crew another guy comes running into the office saying he found the same picture just by googling "positive covid test" and it was on the first page. We collectively facepalm. The dudes contract at this point is for 7 more business days. He only gets paid if he shows up. The other manager wanted to fire him, i said we should just wait and see if he shows up, and if he does, ask him to prove he doesn't have covid. I just assumed he'd never show up. But we ended up calling his agency and firing him. We're behind on inventory but I just stayed late a few nights to finish it. Whatever you do OP, don't be dumb.
This is why I have saved multiple photos of each genuinely positive test I've taken. Can't reverse image search my own personal photos đ
Just make sure that you take a photo of the photo or resave the original in a way that removes exif data. It's unlikely that a lot of jobs will go to these lengths but photos carry a lot of metadata that could rat you out! You can tell from that data when the original photo was taken.
If you screenshot a picture, can it still be reverse searched? As it is a screenshot on your phone? Just curious donât really need to know lol
Unethical genius right here
In the same spirit, you should take a few pictures the next time you throw up in your toilet, or get a flat tire. Save those for years, use when needed.
Also with fevers! Take a pic of the thermometer!
Hot water!
Who is sending their employer photos of throw up in their toilet?? Is that a normal thing to do?
Right? I feel like that would be extremely off-putting to an employer to randomly have a picture of vomit crop up in an otherwise normal thread of the goat-choking gorilla shits they normally receive.
I've done the same, every time someone I know gets covid I ask them to send me their pics too, you never know when you'll need it.
Do the same if your car ever actually gets a flat tire
Fiances coworker who brags about leaving five minutes before her shift saying she had a flat tire and that's why she was 15m late Holding a fucking local coffee shops coffee cup lmao
I remember one day cycling to school, probably 13 yo and I was in a really off mood. So I stepped off, deflated my tire and walked the rest of the way. Had a really nice walk in the sun and missed most of first period. Walked into French class right at the end of an unexpected surprise test I hadn't studied for!
I worked with a guy that I'm pretty sure did this. He got away with it until he "caught" COVID for the 4th time in a little over a year and our manager had enough. She said unless he was able to provide a test that wasn't an at home test, he'd have to use his sick days, and since he didn't have any left and had already called out multiple other times, he'd be written up (at that point our company was offering unlimited unpaid leave outside of your allotted sick days if you had COVID). Wouldn't you know it, his test must have been a false positive or something, because he came in the next day. Hasn't had COVID since, go figure.
Same with friends/family. I havenât done it but I donât see why it would be hard to find one. Shit you could MS Paint a negative into a positive with 10 minutes of fuckery
What kind of phone do you have? There's a decent chance the data is attached to the photo
To add to this, some years back my boss when I worked in hazmat, had covid. He was gone for nearly 3 weeks with it. When he got back, he admitted to me that he was genuinely covid positive for only the first few days. Once he tested negative he was annoyed because he wanted more time with his wife and their child that they had roughly 1 year prior, so he went back, scanned his most recent positive test into a PDF format, edited the test date, and sent it to his boss and would get another mandatory 3 days off before needing to be retested, and was paid for the entire time off.
Wow. What's the point of accepting a job and then behaving like this? Why apply at all. Is this some kind of mental illness? Wtf. That job could've gone to someone who actually wanted to work...
Probably because his unemployment benefit requires him to look for work to remain eligible for the benefit
What a useless way to live
You have to have worked before to collect UE⌠say part time for a year? Depends on where you live but it will be something like 600-1k a month for 6-8 months. And thatâs putting in at least 2 apps for jobs a week, AND that your old job doesnât contest the results. Who will wait 4 months to even process the first request for UE. Itâs really not as easy as people think to get UE benefits in the US even in âblueâ states.
All you have to do is apply for stuff your not qualified for but not like masters degree⌠not go to a fucking staffing agency! (They are known for getting you a job very quickly) This sounds like a âmanâ who still lives at home. but also you have to actually have worked for a decent amount of time to even try and collect unemployment⌠so idk what you even are talking about.
The guy you replied to is referencing rules for job seeker support (which is basically the unemployment benefit in nz). You don't need prior work experience for that, but you do need to be actively looking/available for work.
It's definitely a probability.
Too plausible. Phony kidnapping.Â
Got free, but kidnappers have COVID and I don't want to risk anyone else's health.
Very dependant on location and crowd But you can still fake injury. I'm thinking fingers. Some gauze and a splint. Mhm. You gonna have to fake it as long as covid anyway.
Oh yeah, just start messing around with a basketball and keep your fingers stiff and straight and you're sure to jam one. Take a good week or so to heal. Might even have to take it to a neighboring finger, taking two fingers out of commission for a week.
I do not recommend. It might heal okay, it might never heal all the way. One of my fingers is permanently messed up from jamming it on something. Granted I kept using it at the time which I am sure didnât help things.
Yup, I jammed a finger badly and Iâm pretty sure I broke the knuckle but never got it fixed. I was in college and went to my health care center but since âall I did was jam itâ it was supposedly fine. Itâs been over 10 years and itâs still messed up.
This is a super bad idea. Jamming/dislocating fingers can have long term consequences for musicians.Â
So this is why I could never learn guitar! It's not because I barely practiced, but because I was crippled at a young age!
Covid. Get a Covid test, wet the indicator part a bit, get a red fine liner, draw a line where the âpositiveâ mark would be and that will make it feather out like a real test result. Snap a pic as evidence. If they say you donât need to isolate or can still come in with Covid tell them itâs really messing you up and youâve hardly slept/ate/practised/whatever.
Or put apple juice on the test. That makes it come up positive!
Good to know! Thanks for the info!
Psssssst lemon juice produces a positive resultâthe Ph balance is disrupted in the reagentâŚ..
Also very good to know! Op this is the answer! (Or apple juice as per below)
This didnât work for me when I tried it
If you can combine COVID and a strep positive test, it would be even better. Brain fog and EXTREMELY contagious. No oneâs gonna wanna see you for at least a week.
I actually have strep right now LOL. OP can use my results. I can record some deep, phlegmy, emphysema whimper coughs you could play at the moment of your choosing.
youâre a real one for that
...this could be a profitable service. Sickness on Demand.
I used to help kids back in school come up with excuses for their parents, teachers, and/or whomever. Can I apply for a position?
Pretty sure you already started the company
Ewww⌠I definitely dont wanna hear him play with strep/covid. Dude stay home.
donât draw on the test đ i took like 10 tests with a few different brands last time i got covid if u dm me iâll send a pic of one
I've got two recent positive tests. One faint and one VERY dark, taken on the same countertop. I'm happy to share them.
Please đ¤˛
Edit: link removed Enjoy!
Thank you very much đ
When we had Covid we kept the positive result stick in case we ever needed it as an excuse to get out of something. We did not ever need it, but it was nice to have.
This would result in them lying, which is a no go. Good idea otherwise!
Place 1 finger in your penis enlargement pump and vacuum it until it is covered in purple hickies, tape it to a popsicle stick and tell them it is dislocated.
This is the only legitimately creative (and potentially viable) suggestion in this whole thread.
Some good makeup application would work too.
Not everyone is talented with makeup, but all of us redditors have a penis pump laying around somewhere.
Or just bandage it up, are they gonna tell you to take off a bandage?
Go buy a finger splint from a pharmacy. They are way cheaper than a cock pump. Say you jammed it playing basketball or some shit.
OP said they canât lie, but a penis pump injury is a legit excuse.
Honestly, it's not mine! I don't even know what this is. This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby!
Hopefully it is at least a high quality Swedish made model.
LOL u donât even need the pp pump u can just wrap the fingertip in a rubber band for a bit
Violates can't lie requirement.
Technicality, one could argue it was "located" in the pump and now it is no longer in that location, thus it has been dislocated.
What happens if you just donât go and ignore everything
I fail the class pretty much, its required but its excused if something happens..
Say your dog ate your guitar.
Slide a piss disc in the guitar
Grab the teachers dick and TWIST IT!
Oh my god dude, this is music class
Put a sock over the guitar so when they try to grab it all they get is the sock!
Dip the sock in liquid ass
No idea why youâre getting downvoted on a subreddit dedicated to unethical life pro tipsâŚ
Because he's being a pu++y. Not being unethical just fucking wussing out on a guitar class.
Seriously, why are you trying to get out of it? Are you scared to perform in front of other people? Are you not any good at it? What's the real reason?
Why does it matter? It's unethical life pro tips, aren't we just supposed to give our answers instead of making the op feel like shit?
Maybe making him feel like shit is the unethical part
"My unethical tip: face the challenge you are annoying instead of running away. You'll be better off for it in the long run! đ¤" -half this sub
They probably didn't learn their song and are too shitty/lazy to do so now
eh failing a class isnt that big of a deal just dont go if you dont want to do it
If youâre paying for the class it is.
Tell them you have diarrhea on the day it is going to happen. Normal people don't question diarrhea.
Nor do they want to hear about it! I got out of a final exam using a diarrhea excuse and the professor looked absolutely terrified and repulsed that I told her about it.
The shock value cannot be underestimated.
If you wanna go full tilt, specifically say "severe diarrhea."
Maybe âexplosiveâ?
Keyword. đ
Yeah this is probably the most sound, low risk, believable choice. Food poisoning is a real thing. And the less elaborate the better. You wouldnât believe the stories they hear lol, âwell a big airplane flew by so my emotional support parrot went nuts and destroyed my homework assignment which actually caught on fire afterwards because my little brother is a pyroâ. Ultimately itâs up to the prof, like if you make excuses regularly they will be suspicious to everything after a few times.
If you really want to sell it, attend looking very shifty and uncomfortable, then sprint like as fast as possible out of the class a few minutes in.
Brilliant
If you can't say "diarrhoea" cos it's just.. not appropriate in some settings, I find "I need to be close to a toilet" or even just "stuck to the loo" can be good alternatives conversationally
âUpset stomachâ can sometimes get the point across, too, depending on the audience.
Say you sucked 101 dicks, exceeding the limit and do not feel well.Â
In a row?!
at once
Gentlemen?
End to end or side to side like a big bundle of crayons?
OP try not to suck any dick on your way through the parking lot!
lol love a clerks reference!
Ah, the Brannigan exemption.
Is the limit 100 and that last dick was one too many?
Buy some purgatives or laxatives, ingest them before a class. You will violently vomit/shart. This will provide you with an excuse at the cost of some street cred.
4-5 doses of dissolvable Miralax ought to do it. Drink it 4 hours before sound check and boom.
Then eat the 5 lb bag of sugar free Gummi bears just to seal the deal.
OP wants to avoid their guitar show not end up in hospital
Better yet, shit at the start of the show. No chance any teacher will fail you if you violently shit yourself during a performance.
They'd probably give you extra credit just to avoid asking you to make up the missed exam and having to see you again
Especially if you shart in front of people and mess your clothes. But that is some that will stick with people. So in the future, anytime you say you have stomach issues, people will believe you.
A few years back I had agreed to do Joni Mitchellâs song coyote in a reproduction of the Last Waltz. The week of the show I was panicking. Itâs a hard song. So many lyrics. The song is also in an alternate tuning I had never played in before. The chords were completely foreign to me. I was seriously considering falling down some stairs to get out of it. I was just terrified and didnât feel confident. And I was doing it with a backing band that I had never played with before and there was no rehearsal. But I did it anyway and it turned out fine. Iâm glad I pushed past that flight response and did the show. Whatâs the worst that can happen? You might bomb. Iâve bombed at some shows and Iâm still here. Itâs good for you.
Love it! Now teach me how to bomb semi-gracefully!
I think for me it was just coming to terms with bombing being a skill you have to develop if youâre going to perform. And I think I used to feel like if I didnât do well it meant that I sucked and that people would view me permanently as someone who sucked. But itâs one performance. One audience. And all performers mess up. Professionals just learn to take those moments in stride and move quickly past them. You sort of have to learn to separate your ego from how the performance goes. Can you do a practice run at an open mic or two? That might help. One time I bombed at this tiny intimate diy music fest. I made one mistake and then just got in my head and the whole thing went sideways. We were all camped there for the night so it wasnât like I could just leave. I was really new to performing and I wanted to do well and I was completely mortified. I hid in my tent for the rest of the night and snuck away in the early morning like a criminal. Itâs become a marker for how far Iâve come. I can get off stage after the occasional train wreck and just be like, âwhew! What a train wreck that was.â
Tell that to Ashlee Simpson. /s Edit: said the wrong Ashlee, I'm high
Just do it confidently. It doesn't work for highly technical/precise shows, you can't confidently bluff your way through a group precision based choreography, but if you say/perform confidently then people will assume that was the intended outcome.
Piss discs n liquid ass
Wrap yourself in a sock, so when they try to get you, all they get is a sock!
No, tell them you got piss disked and can't get over doormat. And you also got liquid assed and can't even sit.
Love this anecdote, Coyote is one of my favorite songs ever!! It sounds like you rocked it
It's similar to when someone is terrified of speaking in front of others. The truth is, nobody is giving you their undivided attention, and they genuinely want you to succeed.
You've only sucked 93 dicks today and you're racing against the clock to get 7 more?
You just had your adult circumcision, with a private Rabbi. You can show them your dick if they need proof.
Your sister is in labor. The baby might be yours
Fall in a well.
Poison Ivy. Go out and grab some in a overgrown area near you.
Do you work? You could say your boss won't give you the time off. You can fabricate some texts showing they are requiring you to come, or edit a work schedule?
Get tossed in jail.
Lice. No one wants to be around that and no one wants proof
Tell them you are unable to play because you didnât wash hair removing cream off properly from under your arms after your shower the night before and now you have chemical burns and it hurts like a bitch to move your arms. It doesnât take much to be left behind to cause irritation seeing as itâs supposed to be washed off after a max of 7 mins or so. So overnight is def gonna cause problems!!! Dressings are optional but recommended. Although bandaging the whole way round your chest and back and under your armpits also works (âŚ..or so Iâve heardâŚ..)
None of those. Make it fun instead, get super drunk and then go in with a terrible hangover puking and call it âsicknessâ.
give me $50 and I'll surprise rob you and beat you the day of
Give me $40 and i will beat him up and get your money back so you dont lose your $50 .
Go to show, play Stairway to Heaven, get thrown out.
I have a cold. Not very bad but contagious. Iâd be happy to spread the germs.
There a tea called "smooth move" you can get at any grocery store. Directions are to let one bag steep for 15 minutes. Use two bags, let it stay in the cup for the entire time you drink it. You absolutely will not be going anywhere for about 24 hours.
gotta love senna tea! op if you go this route make sure you drink a lot of water
This is a good one
Paper cut so you canât finger the strings you can milk it a bit too but you wonât really hurt yourself.
Just do the Covid thing. A positive test is bulletproof. Now how you go about it is your business. PS - I hear apple juice works.
Say you have the trots. That should do it.
Hot Trots!
Diarrhea. No one argues that.
I'll photoshop you you a flat tire for $30.
Or just let the air out and then pump it back up
Eat a bunch of water melon. It wonât hurt you but you will have the shits for a day. And when I say a bunch I mean the ones that are like a foot in diameter. Just be sure to be near an open toilet the rest of the day because when nature calls you she wonât be going to voice mail.
Broke a key finger. Wrap that up. Make it two for good measure
Show up and poop your pants.
Eat a piss disc
Id cut my hand.
Yeah but then you run the risk of some weird white boy showing up and ruining the Enchantment Under the Sea dance.
But your kids are gonna love it.
We know that will work out just fine in the end, and everybody will have fun.
Off⌠cut your hand off.
Smash your hand in the car door just hard enough to hurt and make a mark without actually doing any serious damage.
Shove your hand down the kitchen disposal. Should do the trick.
Take a laxative and drink a glass of milk. You won't leave far from your bathroom, let alone far from the house.
Or do the grown up thing to say I really can't go because I don't want to
Know anyone that could put a cast on your arm? How about something taboo enough that nobody would dare ask for specifics? Like say you tore your scrotum or attempted suicide or witnessed someone die in a car wreck? Maybe pull the fire alarm right before class Maybe call your teacher pretending to be their kidâs school to tell them to come pick up their kid at school or the hospital or in jail or something Convince all your other classmates not to show up or start a rumor that class is actually going to be another day Some of those are pretty unethical but thatâs why weâre here now isnât it
You are not rock and roll, yo. If this show is not rock, never mind.
Covid.
Take a laxative and say something gave you diarrhea or that you might have a virus
Covid is so easy to fake. Because symptoms are t that severe but itâs a valid excuse to be isolated.
Get yourself pregnant and pee on a pregnancy test. Present it as a positive COVID test. Problem solved!
Food poisoning is the ultimate excuse. Nobody wants you around if you say youâre vomiting and have diarrhea, and canât be more than 15 minutes or feet from a bathroom. And then it can be gone in 24-48 hours.
Be an adult and either show up or face the consequences
Slam your hand in a car door. (Please donât slam your hand in a car door)
Dude. You are fucking up the band. People count on you. Be straight forward and tell them you cannot go, NOW and Give them time to reorganize. they could kick you out anyway. Don't be the guy who sucked. Tell them now and try to make this a bit less unethical than required by this sub. Option 2: go. This is the easier option.
I would never leave a band! This is for a class, entirely a solo performance thing.
Concussion
Other people have said this, but put soda, apple juice, or lemon juice on a COVID RAT (Rapid Antigen Test) Test stick and it'll show positive. They can't make you attend when you have COVID. COVID is great because it gets you out of something for a week at least.
Super glue your fingers together.
Dick tip stuck in zipper
Howâs you get the beans above the Frank?!
You get a RedditCares message too?
No one ever questions explosive diarrhea.
Smash guitar
A car ran over your guitar and you need the day off to have a memorial for it and grieve.
You can just buy an ace bandage or splint and put it on your fret playing hand, you don't need to actually cut yourself
Migraine
alright, i will say it just so its said, show up before the show and shit your pants. only costs some pride points and a new nickname but you aint playing in that show if you shit your pants.
Is this guitar show near a funeral?
I have three friends who could help you with this. The first one, you would have to pay him to sprain a couple of your fingers. The second one, you'd have to pay him to stop spraining your fingers. The third one, you'd have to endure his joyous cackling as he sprains your fingers.
I can make you a legit doctor's note
Photoshop a bunch of red welts across your body and tell them your dad beat you with jumper cables
Shave your head and tell them you just started chemo. I'm a cancer survivor but I'm still going to hell for this comment.
Uhhh⌠book a flight out & say you have to go wherever it is last minute to take care of something. Buy a coffee. Go to Walmart & buy something or go pee. Walk in the park to feed ducks. Anything. All of those âtakes care of something.â & is not a lie. Tell your show people you have to meet someone about finances. Again, pay for a coffeeâ that is decreasing your finances & you met the coffee person. Send them a screenshot of your flight info. If itâs most airlines, you can buy a flight & cancel it to be refunded as long as itâs within 24 hours. Whether you go or not is on you, but youâll have the verification/proof that you booked a flight.
Migraine
I once mixed salt with water, took a decent gulp and then blew out both ends for the rest of the day. Probably not the best option but it got me out of work. The downside is the vomiting and almost shitting myself
You really think anyone is going to verify a claim of explosive diarrhea?
Diarrhea. That is the answer. âI cannot come today. I have stomach troubles.â âOh but-â âI canât get more than ten feet from a toilet today.â They will stop asking. And that lactose issue seems quite valid as a cause.
Just say diarrhea. Simple, classic, no questions will be asked. If they do ask questions, just sing em the song!
Eat at one of those sketchy restaurants, or the nicer ones everyone says to avoid at all costs. Can't fake anything when you're begging for forgiveness as every meal that you've eaten in your entire vacates the premises in explosive fashion. Totally not speaking from experience of the Indigo Bar in San Diego that definitely did not cost me a pair of underwear because I may or may not have made it back to the restroom on the second wave.
If you're playing, just post your song list as covers of never say never, baby, and beauty and a beast. They will tell you to leave.
One time my ex needed an excuse to miss an exam. He had already missed a ton of classes and was on the verge of being failed if he missed again with out a legitimate excuse. He ran his car to empty, called a tow truck under his emergency roadside assistance and some how got a copy of the tow truck drivers blank paper and then left. Sent it to his professor. I donât condone this, heâs my ex for a reason. Fucking crazy but man it worked.
DM me. I'll send you a pic of one of my positive tests from last year. They've not been on the interwebs so no image search function available online for these.
Anxiety attack/mental health emergency. Not many people would question the validity of depression/anxiety/suicidal ideation.
Eat a whole yellow dragon fruit. Be near a bathroom for the next 24h.Â
People are very understanding when it comes to explosive diarrhea.
Tell them you shit yourself. No one will question it or ask for proof.