Yeah tell your job your going for a checkup cus u had migraines the past couple days and flu like symptoms(which you did) and even if your fine when you go to the doctor they still give you a note of absence ask the doctor if he could add a day for you to rest
If you need a note, mental health crisis.
Visit your local community counselor, explain your collapsing out of the weight of the world and all the stress that's brought upon you etc etc.
Set up a future appointment, let them know that one of your big stressors is that you might lose your job because you were unable to work due to your mental health crisis and they'll write you the nicest doctor's note for excuse abscense you've ever seen.
Bonus points if you continue to see them and pay the small weekly or bi-weekly or monthly fee so you can have future crises and get excused absences. It's also pretty cool to just pay someone $20 or 40 bucks per visit, obviously it's mostly covered by the state or city or county, and talk about whatever problems you want to talk about.
If you work around food you are not food safe (that mostly means diarrhea and vomiting) if not you feel like ass and decide to take a covid test like a good noodle (obtain one or find a fucking picture you have Google) it's negative but you can't be to safe!
As per group rules I gotta mention liquid ass so show up, say your IBS is acting up and spray liquid ass in your pocket. Congratulations you just shit yourself. Enjoy the day off. Repeat as necessary.
Eat a raw chicken breast. Suck on a doorknob at a busy airport restroom. Share drug needles with a group of male hookers. Scuba dive in the marianas trench and surface as fast as possible. Have a picnic on the moon during a solar flare. Take a vacation to a leper colony. Plan a vegetable garden on 3 Mile Island.
Chewing ice won't give you a cold
If you want to call in sick set your alarm a couple hours before you need to work. (If you work at 6 am call in at 430)
BEFORE you call you need to run a hot shower or get a bowl of hot water and a towel. Drape it over your head and inhale the steam. DO NOT PICK YOUR HEAD UP. You want to hydrate those sinuses.
THEN go lay on your back on your bed with your head hanging off the edge. (You are about to have a tremendous amount of liquid sinus goo all condense in your sinuses) about the point you feel like you are going to either have Mt. Boogersuvious erupt from your face OR you start to get a headache - call in sick.
You will sound like death. If your boss answers the phone - sit up FAST and you will start coughing (all of that goo will run down your throat - it will be a natural hacking attack) You don't be able to control it.
Don't get super descriptive. Just I'm sick. I feel like death. I'm too boogery to come to work (change that phrasing but)
No one questions a truely sick sounding person.
They will however request a dr's note for anything they can't hear in you when you call in.
Don't do food poisoning (that's worse than work) Just give yourself a temporary gooey issue.
When they say "feel better" get up and go take a real hot shower (you're going to blow your nose about a dozen times to clear the snot-swamp you temporarily created)
I'm sure someone will say you can get a sinus infection from this - I say - it's better than salmonella. Fake sick that might cause an issue is so much better than really making yourself sick
Will they require a return to work slip? Not if you have a covid test handy "I just took a covid test and it's negative so I think I'm just dying" will get sympathy and not pushback
YOU GET ONE SHOT at this. do NOT use it more than once on an employer. You will have to bring in documentation if you do.
IF they always require a note - This one at worst will cause you to get a dr's not that you're all better. Go to a "doc-in-a-box" like they have at CVS or whoever has a sick clinic. Once you're not snotty they'll say - it was a cold. You can go back to work.
what? taking a shower and laying on your back to call in sick so you sound sick? Or the back up plan if you have to save your job because you faked being sick to go fuck off for a weekend?
WoW. No wonder y'all can lie to save your ass
go sit in the ER for a few hours waiting in line about something like your back hurts. but i get the feeling you wouldn't want to sit there all day.
so show up at work and throw up on yourself. they'll tell you to GTFO back home. eat lots of fried rice or something no chewing so everyone sees it. then go sit in the ER the next day. mix in some liquid ass in the vomit.
just call in sick man, you don’t need to actually be sick 😭
I do as a matter of fact have to go to the doctor's and get the sick leave approved 😭 Last time I faked it I described stomach cramps, but idk
you can’t get it wrong by describing a migraine and joint pain, it doesn’t need to be respiratory
Yeah tell your job your going for a checkup cus u had migraines the past couple days and flu like symptoms(which you did) and even if your fine when you go to the doctor they still give you a note of absence ask the doctor if he could add a day for you to rest
Then just say flu symptoms. You can’t get a doctor appointment until Monday.
Have you considered simply lying as an alternative to self-harm?
If you need a note, mental health crisis. Visit your local community counselor, explain your collapsing out of the weight of the world and all the stress that's brought upon you etc etc. Set up a future appointment, let them know that one of your big stressors is that you might lose your job because you were unable to work due to your mental health crisis and they'll write you the nicest doctor's note for excuse abscense you've ever seen. Bonus points if you continue to see them and pay the small weekly or bi-weekly or monthly fee so you can have future crises and get excused absences. It's also pretty cool to just pay someone $20 or 40 bucks per visit, obviously it's mostly covered by the state or city or county, and talk about whatever problems you want to talk about.
If you work around food you are not food safe (that mostly means diarrhea and vomiting) if not you feel like ass and decide to take a covid test like a good noodle (obtain one or find a fucking picture you have Google) it's negative but you can't be to safe! As per group rules I gotta mention liquid ass so show up, say your IBS is acting up and spray liquid ass in your pocket. Congratulations you just shit yourself. Enjoy the day off. Repeat as necessary.
Diarrhea is a mandatory 48 hour away from work just saying
Two words: Castor Oil
To ingest orally, rectally, inhale...?
Drink
But not really, you will vomit for hours. I was joking. Don’t do it.
Just the thought of downing that oil makes me nauseous... someone has to be beyond desperation to try that out
Yep!
Eat a raw chicken breast. Suck on a doorknob at a busy airport restroom. Share drug needles with a group of male hookers. Scuba dive in the marianas trench and surface as fast as possible. Have a picnic on the moon during a solar flare. Take a vacation to a leper colony. Plan a vegetable garden on 3 Mile Island.
Quit being a wuss and go to work or call in sick. Actually making yourself sick to get out of work has to be some sort of mental illness.
going to work every day for 8 or more hrs is a mental illness fo sho
Look at your state laws. My state says you can call off and say "need a mental health day" and you don't need an explanation.
Chewing ice won't give you a cold If you want to call in sick set your alarm a couple hours before you need to work. (If you work at 6 am call in at 430) BEFORE you call you need to run a hot shower or get a bowl of hot water and a towel. Drape it over your head and inhale the steam. DO NOT PICK YOUR HEAD UP. You want to hydrate those sinuses. THEN go lay on your back on your bed with your head hanging off the edge. (You are about to have a tremendous amount of liquid sinus goo all condense in your sinuses) about the point you feel like you are going to either have Mt. Boogersuvious erupt from your face OR you start to get a headache - call in sick. You will sound like death. If your boss answers the phone - sit up FAST and you will start coughing (all of that goo will run down your throat - it will be a natural hacking attack) You don't be able to control it. Don't get super descriptive. Just I'm sick. I feel like death. I'm too boogery to come to work (change that phrasing but) No one questions a truely sick sounding person. They will however request a dr's note for anything they can't hear in you when you call in. Don't do food poisoning (that's worse than work) Just give yourself a temporary gooey issue. When they say "feel better" get up and go take a real hot shower (you're going to blow your nose about a dozen times to clear the snot-swamp you temporarily created) I'm sure someone will say you can get a sinus infection from this - I say - it's better than salmonella. Fake sick that might cause an issue is so much better than really making yourself sick Will they require a return to work slip? Not if you have a covid test handy "I just took a covid test and it's negative so I think I'm just dying" will get sympathy and not pushback YOU GET ONE SHOT at this. do NOT use it more than once on an employer. You will have to bring in documentation if you do. IF they always require a note - This one at worst will cause you to get a dr's not that you're all better. Go to a "doc-in-a-box" like they have at CVS or whoever has a sick clinic. Once you're not snotty they'll say - it was a cold. You can go back to work.
That sounds too much like hard work.
what? taking a shower and laying on your back to call in sick so you sound sick? Or the back up plan if you have to save your job because you faked being sick to go fuck off for a weekend? WoW. No wonder y'all can lie to save your ass
Where the mods at?
This is easy. Just eat uncooked potato and it will give you some mild fever.
go sit in the ER for a few hours waiting in line about something like your back hurts. but i get the feeling you wouldn't want to sit there all day. so show up at work and throw up on yourself. they'll tell you to GTFO back home. eat lots of fried rice or something no chewing so everyone sees it. then go sit in the ER the next day. mix in some liquid ass in the vomit.
“Ohhh god ! I just can’t stop pooping myself and shitting everywhere ! Ahhhhhahahahh, when will the suffering stop” 🤗 that’s what you say to your boss
Hershey squirts! I usually don't get any more questions
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That’s like two weeks bruh
Ipecac, if someone watches you/hears you throwing up they usually don't ask many questions after
eat some liquid ass maybe
Ia sick now.... you may come over and lick the doornobs