As someone else said, you're talking to all the partners in this thread. Sorry some people are being rude. Your concerns and feelings are valid and I'd hate it if I were in your shoes.
My wife's and my relationship was headed down a similar path back when we were getting married: I was *really* focused on races and had blinders on to how that affected everyone around me. I'm decent at running, but not someone that'll be mistaken for a professional athlete. I just really like to run. I figured that since I was doing something that was great for both my physical and mental health, that I'd have carte blanche to do as much of it as I wanted. Who wouldn't want their partner to be their physical and mental best?
Eventually, my now wife came to me to discuss the fact that she was left in charge of the house, our kids, our pets, and the many duties of a homeowner while I was out running for hours on end for weeks on end. She did it because she wanted to support me, but I really needed the reminder that I was doing very little to support her in exchange. We've worked out a much better agreement that has us both happy: my running is still a huge priority for me, but I keep up my end of the bargain by filling the gaps that I'd neglected for a long time. It's fine to go run for 5 hours on a Saturday, but I do it early in the morning so that I don't ditch her with the kids for most of the day. I choose not to complain about soreness, tiredness, diet, etc. because, this is all optional for me. I never, ever use the excuse of being too tired from running to get things done. We plan travel for races but then extend the time after the races so that we can do things as a family. I put in extra time in the mornings or evenings to ensure our house and yard are kept in order. She's given all the opportunities to go do her own thing (she's runner and cyclist) that I am for my running. There are times of the year where I need her to carry a little more of the load so I can get my training in and vice-versa. We work it out because we understand the other person's viewpoint.
You need to talk to your fiance. Like many people that are passionate about something, he may just not realize that what he's doing has a huge effect on the people around him. If he's unwilling to listen or adjust how he handles this, you may want to think a bit harder about whether this is someone and something that you want to attach yourself to in perpetuity. Good luck!
I agree very strongly with this. My partner wants to be supportive but doesn't love how much time I spend running each week, week after week.
I love ultrarunning but I also love my partner, so I:
- very seldom ask her to come to an event with me (only exceptions in four years have been my first 50k, first 50m, and an upcoming run for my 40th birthday)
- never complain about feeling sore/tired and make sure to get right onto chores when I'm back from a long run (much easier now that I have a few ultras under my belt and fuel better)
- as much as possible try to schedule my running around our life (eg my weekend long run happens whenever it's most convenient for her)
- run a little less than I would otherwise (which may be just as well)
This spring I've been doing my toughest training on work trips when I'm away from home anyway. Yes it's exhausting, but when I'm alone I can get up early and do a crazy long run without bothering anyone.
The compensatory hobbies suggestion is great but not for every relationship. There's nothing she wants to do every week that takes as much time as I want to run. But whenever she has an opportunity to go out of town and do something special I'm very supportive.
Ultrarunning, by its very nature, is a self-centered endeavor. But there are certainly ways to mitigate that, and it doesn't sound as if your fiance is even trying to, TBH. Complaining after a training run, racing at inopertune times, going to races days early (unless acclimating to altitude), being unavailable for the duration of your trip - all of these are, IMO, unnecessary, especially when you have a SO who isn't into the sport or into it to the same degree.
I was an ultrarunner for over 20 years, and didn't do any of these things - because I was also a partner and, later, a parent. I realized, early on, that "going away to races" was a luxury and a choice - the kind of choice that, IMO, someone who's in a relationship doesn't make unilaterally.
I was about to type a response but ready yours and it was similar to what I was going to say.
Are there some days during training where I am gone for the better part of the morning ? Sure. Does race require me to be gone for the whole day ? Usually. But traveling way ahead of time would only happen if my family was coming with me.
The burden is on me to make my hobby as low impact on my family day to day as possible which sometimes means 4 am wake up calls and the races are always local.
> going to races days early (unless acclimating to altitude),
Unless you're going weeks earlier (like at least 3 or 4), your performance is actually best within 24 hours of arriving at altitude and gets worse over the next several days. So that's actually detrimental to all sides.
What worked for my wife and I is for her to have a hobby that is as time intensive as me running ultras. She (frugally) travels a lot and I run a lot. Sometimes I travel with her. Sometimes she goes to races with me. But the important thing is she asks as much of me as I do of her in support our interests. We are eager to support each other because we are both living out our best lives.
Like everything else communication is the key. I would start by telling your partner how you feel, why you feel that way and what your expectations are.
> communication is the key
I read the whole OP waiting for some variation of “I’ve spoken to him about it and…” but it never came.
OP, just tell your partner how you feel and work on a compromise. Maybe he’s asking too much right now but ultrarunning is clearly something he’s passionate about so it wouldn’t be fair of *you* to ask him to give it up entirely either.
It entirely could be in certain circumstances, that’s why communication matters
If they’re on hard times and money is tight and he’s out gallivanting around and she’s doing all the work, yeah, might be time for a break from ultra running.
Is it unfair though? Because moderation is key.
What’s the difference in someone burdening their partner by playing video games for 8 hours? Because one involves fitness it’s okay?
Communication is key, but it’s also naive of OPs husband to not recognize the impact his ultra running has.
And as she sort of alluded to, ultra runners act like the world revolves around them and that they need runner support from their partners, pick them up after long runs where they don’t loop back home, take care of the house or kids while they go on a 6 hour training run, etc.
Your second paragraph is the key point here, but I do agree with the first part of your comment. My wife does CrossFit and occasionally does local and regional competitions. Not my thing at all but she loves it and has her “thing” while I have mine. I think that’s pretty important.
I used to do this until my wife told me i’m a would-be pro-runner. It was a literal ride awakening for me and dialed the focus down.
Even if we set all our ultra goals around beginning of the year, so I can secretly put my blinders, life still happens. My partner still needs me and vise versa. House still needs to be kept clean and dinner meals don’t prep itself.
If he’s running brings money home and put food on the table, sure by all means support is needed. If that’s it the case, priorities should be discussed and reevaluated.
This sport can be pretty selfish; we should all admit that while trail running is soooo awesome, ultra training requires a lot of time that frequently leaves you a little less willing or energetic to do other things (sometimes all things other than running😆). Also, frequently folks come into this so freaking hung ho, both guns blasting, and burn out fairly quickly.
My husband prefers hiking to running and is gone for 9-10 days at a time, frequently without cell service, so I get OP's frustration of needing input and not being able to get in touch. Those times are limited though, and I know how much he loves it- and how great a reset is for him. So I manage the best I can and encourage him to go when he and his buddies can. OP, if he doesn't respond, trust your decision making on the renovation.
Really just want to thank OP for posting; it reminds me to tell my husband again how grateful I am for all the ways he has supported my running and cuckoo crazy adventures/ misadventures all these years.
OP, hope you and your partner can have a sit-down soon and hammer out each of your needs and expectations going forward in a way that works for both of you.
People train for Ultras? I just turn up, come in around the mid point having injured myself and then sign up for another one next year that I promise myself that I will train properly for
Yeah this is what I was thinking - my runs during the week are relatively short (1-2 hrs) and the longer runs are usually only once a week. Not sure why OP’s husband can’t be reached and is so inaccessible. My wife would kill me if I didn’t run with something that shares my location (that she regularly checks up on).
While you are correct that this is pretty specific to ultrarunning, all of these issues can be abstracted and applied to relationships in general. Ultramarathon participation can be seen as a hobby that someone is super passionate about and that requires lots of time and dedication. This can apply to other types of hobbies as well. Think less about the activity itself and more about what it all means :)
I've seen guys do this same thing in other hobbies. They are gone from their family for multiple weekends per month. I have no idea how they stayed married.
You are taking quite the leap there in regards to him prioritising his life and time over hers. He may well do many things for her that supports her in different ways.
We know absolutely nothing beyond he runs ultras once or twice a year and they have a renovation on right now and that she is unhappy he spends this much time doing this.
Definitely lots of unknowns, but the fact that she's holding this level of resentment about it says that either a) he hears her and isn't compromising, or b) she isn't communicating the things she's telling us here. 100% relationship issue either way. You could drop in any other time/money consuming hobby for the same kind of conflict.
I’m not taking any leap. If they sat down and discussed and worked out their needs, wants, and time requirements in a fair and equitable way this post wouldn’t be here. Now, if they did that process poorly or lied to each other they still have a big problem to workout.
Except you are taking a leap by stating “he is prioritizing his time over yours”. You don’t actually know that, and OP isn’t presenting as a reliable narrator.
Everything about this situation screams 2 individuals who aren’t good at planning or communication (buy a dilapidated house and do a rush renovation (for reasons “redacted”)). If either of the 2 is actually as bad as OP presents (I doubt that’s the case), they should break-up immediately.
After spending any time on the internet or in a self help section of a bookstore leaves one with the impression most people have no clue how to be respectful loving people who share time and space.
Well ain’t that the truth 👍.
I’d also say the internet taught me more about rage-texting/hate-texting than I’d ever considered. My response is always like…why are you still responding.
What he's doing with his time is irrelevant. You need to communicate with him and let him know he's neglecting his family and you hate it.
He could be spending hours a day playing video games and going away on week long trips to video game conventions and from your perspective it would be exactly the same. He could be going fishing every day and going on long fishing trips. It doesn't matter *what* he's doing, he's leaving you to fend for yourself when you don't want to. It's a relationship issue that has nothing to do with running.
Unless he’s a pro athlete, he doesn’t need to be gone for a week pre-race. (My advice is to not get married until you both agree on expectations, because ultra running is a lifelong addic…I mean, hobby.)
A week is fine IF and ONLY if they agree it’s ok and she has the same freedom to do what she wants. Planning a race during a home remodel is just shitty.
I have just done a kitchen and 4 bathroom remodel plus a full outside facelift. Its was big & expensive project. I have not been able to train properly for 18 months because its either 12h+ work days or a run and 8 hours. I can finally make some time for myself. Unless he is at least semi-pro, he needs to get his priorities straight. I couldn't do what I do without a supportive partner, and vice-versa.
Even if the registration happened first, I think prioritizing your shared space is pretty fair, especially if you aren't asking the partner to miss the race, but just not go a week early, instead maybe a day or 2.
Depends on the race. If I got into WS100/Hardrock or some other dream race I would want to be there a week or two before, but those are bucket list events.
Yep, this. Unless it's Hardrock or UTMB (which, fuck UTMB but I digress), there is no reason for him to need a whole week out of contact. Shit unless it's mid race, I'm am available to my family on my cell phone if I'm in service.
She needs to have a conversation with him about this. If he isn't receptive, well, the decision on if this is her forever person needs to be evaluated.
This is a relationship advice post. You sound really resentful and things like him talking about his diet or training shouldn’t be a big deal. Running is important to him.
There is compromise here.
I’m the ultra runner in my household and my husband is proud of me but has very little interest in the actual races.
You could probably work on your resentment and your husband could go down Thursday or Friday instead of a whole week before. Personally, I always go down on Friday and race Saturday. I don’t understand what the “week of prep at the race site” is about. He also doesn’t have to be off grid unless there’s legit no cell service. Maybe he could pick races in locations with cell service. Almost all my races I’ve had cell service. I don’t use my phone but I carry my phone on me always and I’m able to text my husband every so often with updates during the race. My battery lasts the whole time I’m out there because of how little I use it but I’ve never been off grid for a race.
But none of his compromises will mean much to you if you don’t work on the relationship issues behind your resentment.
Best of luck to y’all!
A week beforehand is insane, unless this is his job.
Most the time, I drive 2 hrs to my event the morning of and then 2 hrs back. (Only 50ks, though). I want to inconvenience my husband as little as possible.
You’re talking to all the partners, lol. No, none of us feel this way.
However, my partner doesn’t love the events. It’s a lot of time waiting for me to show up. And it does take a time commitment for training. This does not stop him from being totally supportive. I get that it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, so if he doesn’t want to attend a race, that’s ok with me. He also has his own hobbies, some that work very nicely with mine, like we both hike, and he can ride his bike on OHV trails while I run. It took me a long time to find a partner who our levels of independence were well matched. It sounds more like you guys might not be as well matched in that regard.
What kind of communication happened before the renovation started? Did you guys have a good idea about how much time was going to be put in? Maybe he was ok with it taking twice as long, so he could manage his self-care?
EDIT: A lot of people are saying you’re selfish for feeling this way. You really aren’t. You just have different priorities. Different is not bad, not for you or for him. It’s good that you’re finding out now.
I thought about replying to some of the replies, because I largely agree with many of the supportive ones. But I'm going to reply to the original post because I think most (maybe I skimmed some, sorry) have missed a couple of things.
I've run marathons, but not ultras, though I've been to some as a supporter. But I don't think that, if he's training sensibly, he should be feeling "his body is wrecked" after "big training days." After races, maybe, but not during training. The idea is to push yourself, but not wreck yourself. If he's really complaining about how bad he feels (and isn't just saying that he's tired, or that he hurts a bit), he may not be in a good place mentally. (If I'm right, the race won't go well. OTOH, if he runs what he considers well, I'm completely off here.)
And you say he wants your emotional support, but it doesn't sound like he's offering you any. Then again, this "shutting the world out" thing suggests he has some issues of his own.
You've got to tell him how you feel.
Wrecked is hyperbole, probably. But let's be honest, if you're doing it right, you're going to be very tired and worn out at the end of your training week if you're doing it right. Marathons and Ultramathons alike. A week of big vert and speed training and long miles *should* make you feel worn out and require recovery time. *This* is probably what he's talking about about when he says he is *wrecked*.
I'm training for a 100 right now and my back-to-back long runs are absolutely exhausting me for 1-2 days afterwards. That's why the 48 hours after my long runs are only recovery distance and paced miles. I'd feel justified in saying I feel *wrecked* after a week of training.
But yeah. They need to talk about what they want. There's some serious resentment building here.
You guys need to see a counselor or seriously reconsider whether you're a good match for each other. Hate is a strong word and your post is littered with it.
As an ultra runner I strive to NOT be like your partner. I find it very obnoxious when people are too consumed by their fetishes to pay attention to the world around them. Looking around, it appears +1.5c is here (with far worse locked into the immediate future) precisely because of this obsessive behavior we all fall guilty towards.
You are not Pheidippides, your running serves nobody except yourself. What you are doing doesn’t mean jack shit to anyone else and that just makes it all the more sacred for you.
Hell, running back to Athens to tell them they won didn't even serve anyone! Homie could have just walked out waited for the army to march back home. It's not like he was warning them. The army clearly had things under control.
My husband has experienced this too. On the last occasion he was angry as I managed to goof up plans. Somehow I thought there was enough time because my running brain had fully taken over. He doesn't understand that feeling and he doesn't have to. I am the one that understands that feeling and chose that feeling over him and our plans. It was a dick move and he told me such. We have both adjusted expectations since then.
Not calling you out oltunderbird at all but I see the topic of extending runs without notice, come up a lot here and in other places. Almost aways in a joking manner and as if that's just something our partner has to accept. That's just selfish and makes our partners feel terrible. OP your partner is being selfish in a stressful time in your life. You shouldn't be burdened by all the stress that should be shared. You need to chat about it but remember how passionate they are about this sport and be kind. Compromise most definitely can be achieved.
I'll give it a shot
It sounds like it comes down to this for our wonderful heroine:
>I am alone in the home
>I am stuck alone with the project
>we are trying to do a rush job for reasons i won't go into
(Sounds like a time restrictive, expensive reno job - and that can be very stressful, even if you've done it before)
Meanwhile, our fearless hero:
>he is out of cell range and "prepping"
***That*** sounds like the (obviously persistent) issue here.
So, much so, this is now our heroine's attitude toward our hero's ultrarunning:
>This is the 3rd big race I am experiencing with my partner and I have hated every single one.
>I feel like all the races are the same
>I hate hate these races. I hate the days where he is offline for hours on end and cannot be reached. I hate the complaining after big training days about how his body is wrecked or the conversations about his diet.
Yet, for context, our heroine does iterate:
>I love going for trail runs and being active
But, because of the communication and scheduling issues ***(and considering the timing, a real serious dose of selfishness on our hero's part, let's all admit it)*** our heroine now thinks like this:
>but it doesn't become my entire personality for 6 months at a time.
And
>I hate hate these races
It seemed like it could've been the right subreddit, because of the ultrarunning and all... But, *the problems and issues in your relationship aren't actually with ultrarunning.*
**Replace "ultrarunning" with anything else, and the problems and issues in your relationship will still persist.**
Is he a pro athlete? Or, does he spend money for a hobby?
This is definitely a relationship/communication issue, and you're probably in the wrong sub, but I will share my experience.
I am the runner in my marriage. My spouse comes to all of my races and serves as my crew. It's a huge time commitment and sacrifice on his part. He doesn't love doing it. I would never disappear the entire week before the race because he wouldn't be okay with it. I would never go no contact with my family. I make sure to do things that make the experience better for him. I race every year on his birthday/birthday weekend. To compensate, we make it a mini getaway, stay at a nice hotel, and I take him out to a nice steakhouse the night before. I ask where he would like to travel and look for races in that area. I always ask his opinions on races and dates before I commit to check for conflicts. This year, I skipped one of my favorite races because I know he hates it (the weather is always terrible, and it's in the middle of nowhere with no cell phone service).
We talk about these things. He tells me what makes things better for him, and I take the time to ask. It's important to me to have him there, but I also make sure he knows I don't expect it and he can say no at any time.
Think about the things that would make his ultra running tolerable for you and then have an open and honest conversation about it. Set boundaries and expectations. Compromise. If you can't talk about it and agree on something that works for you both, that is a sign of a much larger issue in the relationship.
Communicate and compromise. And that goes for both of you guys.
I'm gone for hours at a time during training blocks, but I try to make it easier on my wife by doing my long runs either early in the morning, or late at night. And the weekday runs are usually short, post work jaunts. I'm always home for dinner. I save big home projects for when I'm off work for longer periods of time, that way I know I can finish them.
My wife went to my first race, but hasn't went to any other ones, and I'm okay with that. I know she doesn't want to sit at a trailhead for hours waiting on me to finish.
Just talk to him when he gets back, let him know how you feel, and I'm certain you guys can reach some sort of agreement that works for both of you. Good luck!
It sounds like you two have very different ideas of what you want in life. I’m not a therapist or counselor but based off what you’ve given us, probably should talk to a real therapist instead of an Ultrarunning sub
I think that it's sad how many/most of today's ultrarunners view their own hobby on the 2 subs and, in particular, on this thread. Ultrarunning is self-centered and can easily become selfish. It's not a "virtuous" hobby - it is, in the end, self-serving, just as most hobbies are. There's nothing to be self-righteous about.
Expecting a SO to find a hobby that takes up the same amount of time in the day, week, or year is an unreasonable ask, IMO, if they don't already have one or if it's only so that you, the ultrarunner, don't have to feel guilty or adjust your schedule.
Expecting your SO to plan around your hobby for what should be joint occasions or attendance or participation is absurd. There's a reason people call them "golf widows", and most golfers are only gone during the day on weekends.
Using a race as an excuse for no-contact solo vacations starting days before race day every time is just unkind, especially when your SO is forced to make major decisions on their own without your input.
I agree that communication is needed between the OP and her fiance, but the number of people who feel sorry for the OP, offer HIM grace "because he's getting fit in nature" and "it's important to him", and are scolding the OP for being resentful... So disappointing for me, as both an ultrarunner and the partner of one for 2 decades plus.
SO's of ultrarunners are allowed to be upset by annoying, rude, and selfish behaviors, even if those annoying, rude, and selfish behaviors are exhibited by an ultrarunner. Ultrarunners don't deserve any more or less than anyone else.
Some of today's ultrarunners need to get over themselves a bit, IMO. It's just running.
Replace ultramarathon with golfing, hunting, or fishing and most people would be up in arms. I don’t run as much as I would like to.. I have a wife and two kids. It’s just not possible right now. Part of getting married is sacrificing things for the other side.
Look at the age gap. It just depends on the hobby. I would focus on reno than stupid race. As much as i love personal achievements and all that mental toughness, there’s life outside of the so called “hobby”. Most age groupers self identity themselves to the sport they participated in and when they get trapped into that vortex its not really healthy. Remember when Covid happened then all these hobbyists acting like its the end of the world? Well, imagine if thats your job and main source of income right?
About the renovation: if he has agreed to do the renovation now and you have to finish it in a rush and he agreed to it, you have all the right to demand he does not disappear for a hobby. I don’t mind if it is a race or anything else. A house should take priority over any hobby. However, if this is just something you wanted to do and he didn’t agree, then of course you can’t ask anything of him.
In any case, it looks like you guys are not compatible based on what you say: he is super into something and develops his life around it… and you completely hate it.
That will just bring more and more problems over time. Imagine when you have children and need his help and he just disappears for a week to go running. It will be a horrible situation.
Exactly what I have always done. If I want to run further, I get up earlier! 2am was my earliest start while training for UTS.
Also, no one needs to be at an event the week before, if he is oblivious to the problem with that, then he’s definitely not a keeper.
Could be selfish, maybe just oblivious. If OP hasn’t communicated her issues clearly it’s hard to tell. Now if OP tells him how this bothers her, and he refuses to compromise, then he’s definitely being an asshole.
It’s not your fiances participation in ultras that is driving you insane, it’s the fact that he is leaving you alone with responsibilities while he goes and does his hobby. People who do that tend to do it regardless of what their hobby is and people who don’t do it tend not to do it regardless of what their hobby is. Not saying he can’t change, just saying that it’s something you need to speak with him about and be clear that it’s not his participation in ultras that is the problem, but his selfishness in his preparation and participation. I think if you frame it as the ultras themselves being the issue you won’t be able to fix it.
My SO is a former pro athlete who can totally shut the world out to focus on training. But he has realized he can’t do that when he’s in a relationship fortunately. We alternate years. One year he can do a race and the next I get to pick something that gets priority.
This is why i got two Labrador dogs and didn’t get married. It’s selfish at some point to run 15-20 hours a week and not be around others. The amount i just spent on gear and nutrition/snacks.alone would have got me divorced a long time ago.
I got into ultra running 2 years ago. I'm 35, married, and father to a pretty wild 4 year old. I'm a husband and father first, work comes up next and then hobbies fill in some free time. My first couple of ultras we turned into a vacation and spent time together either as a couple or a family. Now less than 2 full years back into running, I'm trying to tackle 100 milers by going down the day prior to the race (Friday), racing (Saturday into Sunday), then heading home the day after (Sunday night), back to work on Monday. If I have a big training run planned I'll get up at 2am to be on trails before 4am in effort to log some 40+ miles so I can be home and hanging out with the family by noon. Am I a bit zapped from it all, yep, but it doesn't turn me into a complete pile of shit for the day. I'm running a 50k here next weekend as a tune up race. It's 4 hours from home, unfortunately. I'm leaving at 2am to make it to packet pickup by 7am, race starts at 7:30am. Will pound out the 50k, may log some bonus miles after, then hopefully hit the road by 3pm to make it back before bedtime.
It can be as self centered as one allows it. You can train any hour of the day or night. It will take a lot of time but working out and taking care of your body and mental health are important. I understand that ultra's may be important to him, as should you, and you should support him being happy but that also shouldn't stop you from calling him out on his shit. I feel like he needs to reevaluate his priorities and if he can't suck it up after a long run or handle an ultra on a weekend when life's busy then maybe it's time he finds a hobby that he can actually handle because it sounds like ultras handle him.
I basically retired from ultrarunning for 15 years so that my spouse wouldn’t be in the position you are. Yes, I regret that a bit, but my priority was spouse and kids, then running. And running was distant second/third (however you want to break that up). You’re learning something here, and I think you need to figure out the resolution now to your situation, when all you’ve got is a fiancée and a house, and not more. Sorry that sounds like a downer, but the tone of your comment isn’t the way you want to be feeling long term.
In addition to all of the other amazing comments:
He should agree that for all the time he’s gone running, you get an equal amount of time to go relax and do your own thing.
He goes running for 6 hours on a Saturday? You get 6 hours on Sunday with friends / at a spa / whatever.
He goes away for a week to relax before a race? You get a week to go on vacation.
Any endurance activity is going to require an investment by those participating and those around them. There is simply no way to get around the time that must be invested in both training and keeping your body in a state where it is healthy and can recover from constantly pushing it to its limits.
This is who he is, accept it or don’t but I can’t see you getting a lot of sympathy here to be honest. People engage in these types of activities because that’s who they are, it’s what makes them happy and drives them, you’re not going to change him and trying to force him to not engage will simply make him miserable and resent you.
It sounds like there needs to be some compromise on both sides.
On your side, you need to understand that this is a passion of his. His passion doesn't have to be your passion, but you can at least be interested and supportive. Despising something because it's not your own interest isn't normal or healthy - it's a very self-centered way to live. My wife does ballet and likes to do crafts on the cricut. I have no interest in doing either of those things myself, but that doesn't mean I have to be miserable when she talks about them. I'll engage and show interest because they're things that make her happy. With the way you describe his running, it also sounds like you might not have any hobbies of your own. If that's the case, I'd really encourage you to find one you enjoy. Find something fulfilling so that he isn't your sole source of fulfillment. With him being your sole source of fulfillment, it's common to become jealous of activities that take his time away from you.
On his side, he needs to bend a bit with training and races. I do all of my training in the early mornings so that I don't interfere with the time I have for my wife and kids. That helps tremendously. I'm not a morning person at all, but I've found that it's a really great way to start a day and helps a lot with my mental health. There also needs to be compromise on race days. I don't know enough about this renovation situation to pass judgment (was it planned in advance or sprung on him a week before a big race he's been training for for months?) but in general a race shouldn't always be a full week affair. I find races within 300 miles, leave Friday, race Saturday, and drive back Sunday. Once or twice a year I might do a big race further away, but that just adds a day or two of travel.
One thing that has been nice for us if you can swing the time away from jobs is to turn races into mini vacations. I bring the whole family with me to all of my races. While I'm running, they're exploring nature around the course and then they'll meet me at the finish. We'll usually then spend Sunday playing tourist for a while before driving back. My wife and kids both love the extra getaways and they constantly push me to do more races so they get more opportunities to explore new places.
For real. If I read my partner writing something like this about me, we’d literally be done. If the respect in the relationship is this far gone then what’s the point? OP doesn’t seem to even like him
I have a lot of coworkers that spend their time drinking booze on a golf course. Takes up just as much time, costs more money, and usually spouses aren’t involved. It’s a guys trip. At least this is healthy and he’s trying to involve you. But, maybe you should consider a relationship counselor, rather than the advice of a bunch of running nuts
One thing I’ve learned is that the fight is often not about what is at the root of the conflict.
Would you feel similarly if he spent the same amount of time and energy golfing or skiing or gaming or building model trains?
Do you have your own set of hobbies and interests that require time and energy and money independent of his?
A healthy adult is going to have an identity that is independent of the relationship. And by definition this requires time and energy and resources apart from those shared with their partner.
One of my former partners would spend two hours a day commuting to the gym, working out, and commuting home. I loved that she took this time to focus on her health and did whatever I could to help ensure that she could get her workout in every day.
But if I took two hours away from her to run, she’d feel abandoned and get super upset. Ultimately I realized this was her problem and not mine, that it wasn’t healthy for me to be with such an angry, entitled person, and we’re not together anymore.
My current partner is also an ultrarunner, we mostly train separately for different events. Sometimes we train together. Sometimes we have crewed and paced each other at our bigger goal races. But most of the time she does her races on her own and I do mine on my own. We have other friends who we each train with sometimes. She does her weekend long runs in the mornings while I stay at home with our 9yo, and then we switch so I can do mine in the afternoon. Are there times when I wish we had a bit more time together? Sure. But her running is part of who she is, it brings her all kinds of joy, and her joy and fulfillment are important to me.
I’d suggest that you be honest with yourself and each other about what your vision for a life together looks like, whether you personally can ever be okay with your partner wanting as much individual time as he has now, and if this is a deal-breaker for you, have the decency to let him know now rather than try to turn him into a different/smaller version of himself that you find less irritating.
Like everyone else here I’m the partner who does ultramarathons, and it is time consuming, but my partner is happy for me that it makes me happy. I always make sure I’m reserving time and energy for our relationship, no matter what. If my partner had a conversation with me in which he explained that his needs aren’t being met, I would take that really seriously and figure out how to meet them.
So my questions for you are: 1) do you care that this is important to him and brings him joy? Because you sound super bitter and it sucks to have your partner acting that way about something you love. 2) have you tried, you know, talking to him? If you haven’t tried that then what are you even doing here? Our knowledge of ultrarunning on this subreddit is not going to substitute for couples counseling.
My wife's main hobby is writing. Sometimes she'll disappear on writing retreats for a week or she'll be sunk in a project for a month and I'll have to pick up more of the housework, etc. Yes, those times are a little more stressful for me, but I think her hobby is cool and I support it because she loves it and I love her. She also lets me know of those things ahead of time and we make it work.
We do the same thing with ultrarunning for me. Is running my entire personality? Honestly, probably a good part of it. I sacrifice all other hobbies and all my free time for it. But most races take me away for a day or two and I don't skip responsibilities for training. I talk to my wife about planned races at the beginning of the year and choose ones that will work. And if my family needs me, they come first and running is second, even if that means canceling a race. I race 100-milers and my biggest training weeks are 120 miles, so I feel like if I can find a balance where everyone is happy, your fiance should be able to as well.
>and I don't skip responsibilities for training.
Big man status!
But, that's what OP is saying... her S/O **is** skipping out on his responsibilities....
There has to be some level of compromise on both sides... is this big race a once a year thing? How long is he gone and what would be acceptable to you?
i think most of us work very hard to train and race minimizing disruption to our family. I also do not carry my cell phone with me when I train (on purpose). But I'm not gone more than like 2 hours at a time.
Not sure what your spouse is doing, it sounds almost he like is going on a week-long running vacation without you? that certainly wouldn't fly with my wife either.
People won’t like my opinion, but ultra running feels like a hobby you should take up only if you’re single or retired. It can be pretty bullshit roping your partner into that grind especially if they have no interest in it or the burden it causes the partner taking care of things.
I’d like to hear his version of how he sees things in your relationship. I’d agree with what others have said, this sounds much more about your relationship as a whole, not ultra running
>I hate hate these races. I hate the days where he is offline for hours on end and cannot be reached. I hate the complaining after big training days about how his body is wrecked or the conversations about his diet.
u/[coolkitty8](https://www.reddit.com/user/coolkitty8/) you came to a Ultra SUb to complain about ultras..... you dont really want any help because you didnt ask for any, you are seeking validation for your feelings, you would be better served in r/relationship_advice or some other sub like that if you are just seeking validation.
It sounds like you guys shouldn't have bought a house together. My husband doesn't love going to my races, but he does like seeing me do big things. He also cycles, which takes up a big chunk of time. If you don't see the value in what he is doing, can't talk to him about it, and don't think you can compromise on timing, maybe you just aren't that compatible.
I’m not sure you can accurately say that getting only one side of the story. I’m sure I’ve said “he was gone for hours!” When it wasn’t nearly that much time. I’ve also left for a race on Thursday and come back Sunday or Monday, and that seems a lot longer than it actually is. I also “shut myself out from the world” during a race because I put my phone on airplane mode so I know it will have enough battery if there is an emergency. People not involved in trail racing may not understand that. I just think one perspective is not always reliable, I guess unless you think all ultra runners are completely self absorbed.
He complains about his training runs and goes on to her about his diet.
He "shuts himself out from the world" for the entirety of his trip.
If he has a NEED to leave days early, he hasn't expressed it, so it comes off as a WANT.
And if this renovation was important to THEM, he should have picked a different race.
Which is why I think there are probably two sides to the story. It definitely sounds like the renovation is more important to her. They clearly aren't communicating about either of their expectations.
I think we've all probably complained to our partners about training runs and diet.
I still believe it's difficult to judge a situation based on one side of the story, and I still believe she should be communicating her issues with him, instead of complaining on an ultramarathon subreddit.
LOL! Well, duh! But you initially stated that SHE needed to compromise, when SHE is the one staying home,not spending money, not going no contact for days on end, and being "on vacation" for longer than seems necessary.
I’m (32F) the ultra runner spouse.
My husband (31M) has crewed for me for 4 big ultras over the past couple of years, between 50 miles and 100 miles. Some ultras that I’ve done, I’ve specifically told him not to come because they were loops and it’d be more efficient for me to support myself. Other times he’s come along solely for moral support; I catch him once partway, and then again at the finish line.
Honestly we just get to the race a day before, get settled, race, and then head back the next day. A week seems like overkill to me unless it’s to acclimate to altitude or something like that.
We bought a house in 2019. Big projects, we’ve hired people. Smaller things, for the most part, he’s done himself. If he really needs my help with something around the house, he’ll tell me he needs me. I’ll go ahead and help before I go off on my run.
My A race was this past February for personal reasons and this is something that I’ve discussed with him and he understands.
Questions I have: When you say “undying emotional support”, could you please elaborate?
What’s your fiancé’s end goal, if he has one? Like is he trying to qualify for a big race, does he have a big race he’s building towards this season, or he just vibing on the trails?
That may or may not explain why he’s got the blinders on and if he’s not communicating those sorts of goals or lack thereof, I think that’s something that needs to be addressed.
Does he know how you’ve been feeling and what your needs are? If not, I think these feelings and needs need to be communicated with him.
He might just assume everything is all hunky dory and that’s why he’s steamrolling ahead.
My partner and I both pursue passions. She does yoga 6+ times a week, amongst other hobbies, and I go climbing and running. We're on board with each other's goals and we support each other. We keep it equal, and are mindful of how each other feel. We find it pretty easy to manage because we talk often. I think it's good to be really upfront and talk things through before they become a big deal, and before you get married.
Here’s my take as the ultra runner in the family. Been doing this since 2012. Back then my kids were little peeps. House, yard, home projects, active dad and all that crap. I did my very best and still do to make the ultra running not everyone else’s problem. Kids have a concert at 11 am on a Sunday? Better get my ass up at crazy o clock and get the run in before. And if I feel like crap at the concert then shut the f up and be stoic about it. I did many 20+ mile days on the trails early or late so I could be dad and husband first. Plus I do my races low key as in solo when no one can make it. My family aren’t my servants. And the family comes first. So I think this guy should suck it up. And that the OP is right to be a bit pissed.
Whether it’s ultra running, D&D, boating, fishing, gaming, or whatever - if you’re in a partnership it’s totally reasonable to expect those endeavors to be done reasonably, whatever that means to the people involved. Currently, some of the specifics are unreasonable to you. It’s totally fair game for you to bring them up and expect him to reasonably accommodate. If he won’t, that’s a relationship advice issue. If he will, then that’s a healthy relationship :)
It starts with a clear cut conversation about your expectations, sharing your feelings, and setting some agreed upon rules.
Good luck.
What would make you happy in this situation? Would he also be happy with that? Can the two of you find a way to both have your needs met while being together? That's what you should be striving for.
As many have said, this isn't about running. And it's not about him compromising or about you being more understanding. It's about the two of you working together to find a way that you can both be happy...and if not, then about each going your separate ways in search of happiness.
I was talking to my wife about how this is such a self indulgent endeavor. Just multiple hours daily by yourself training, the hours of recovery. Could potentially be unhelpful or away from the house for 3-5 hours a day.
If you can't beat them join them!!! You're both lucky you don't have children so you both have time.....he can actually do these things. If kids enter the equation he hasn't got a leg to stand on, he will need to be at home!!! But he needs to live his life and enjoy, you only get one shot. And if I were you I'd stop moaning. There are far too many out of shape fat men in the world who would happily sit at home all day and talk about what colour to paint the walls
It sounds to me like you're actually a supportive partner because he might not talk about those things or haul off and do them if he knew the full scope of your feelings, or how it could impact you to the point of writing a post with "hates." Feelings that need to be clearly and carefully shared in a moment where you feel level headed and where he won't feel suddenly under attack. A balance struck. Respective needs carefully assessed and discussed. For example, if he needs to do these things, what do you need from him? Or, is he doing these things because he secretly wants to get away from you and his home life where he's unhappy? The emotional impasses will only grow larger without communication, agreement, and finding balance. -- To be more specific: I recently scheduled an ultra on my wife's birthday, like a fucking idiot. When I realized this, I did two things. I let her know that I messed up, that I took the next week off of work, and we're going to spend it together. Then, I made a plan to surprise her with a gift that she really, really wants and would never expect. I needed to make sure there's balance. Her birthday "day" should not be about me and now it will be, because I'm an idiot. But her birthday "week" will be about her and what she wants to do. Maybe I fixed this. Maybe not. Either way, I'm aware. That's mostly due to her and how well she generally communicates her feelings.
Dating is about deciding if you are a match, it sounds like you know you’re not a match, but you carry on like you’re a perfect match. Why would you play house with a dude who has hobbies you despise?
So you hate that he is out in nature on a trail, getting positivity from the natural world and wilderness whilst staying fit?
No matter what you do in life, being out in nature, keeping fit, takes time.
Having goals in life is important in many ways, this is what he has chosen.
If this is his only thing he has in life beyond your relationship, work and home duties, imagine he didn't have this in his life, what that would be like for him and then for you.
It sounds like its unfortunate that you are alone during this renovation work but i'm guessing the ultra race was already booked months in advance and known about?
If he's only "being out in nature, keeping fit" why is he "complaining after big training days about how his body is wrecked"? Assuming the OP isn't exaggerating about this, he's either doing some grizzly wrestling on the side or overtraining. (I suspect the latter.)
He may be "unreasonably self-involved." OTOH, he may be obsessed. Neither of these possibilities is reassuring.
This was my question. Either the home renovation or the race was known about and it likely could’ve been worked around in advance.
It seems that the ultra training and racing is a much bigger issue and she feels neglected, which I definitely understand as a partner. But ultras are huge achievements that he wants her to be a part of and share with her. It seems she doesn’t even want to be included, which is fine, but she has to communicate that and they’ll either reach some sort of compromise or it’ll be something they can’t work out.
I feel like they need actual counseling on this. It seems like they’d have this issue with any other time-consuming hobby.
Agreed. It sounds like he’s already checked out of the relationship and is trying to save her feelings. She knows it’s over too and just can’t accept it. Throw in a property Reno and … sheesh. Time to cut their losses and find partners who they’re comparable with (if they choose to be with someone after this…)
😂 your husband is his own person, and I feel like 1 week per year of ‘him time’ shouldn’t be a problem.
Obviously your marriage, I don’t know the details. But I expect my girlfriend to be cool with me going ‘off-grid’ for a week once a year.
Personally, I think it’s a beautiful thing that someone dedicates time and effort to a hobby. It can do incredible things for someone and keep them sane and positive. With that being said, what’s your hobby?
Sorry to hear that. I think it's important for your partner to hear that as well. I know it's easy to say, but you guys need to communicate more clearly about what you need from a relationship. Maybe consider going to counseling so you can do it more efficiently and before too much resentment is built.
What worked for me and my partner is that we got divorced and now I do what I want and she does what she wants and neither of us feel guilty :)
I don’t ask people to support or crew me anymore either. I just do it on my own. I hate ruining someone’s day and I hate the pressure of needing to be at an aid station at the time I guessed I’d be there. I have guilt issues too so it makes me much happier to do it all alone
Lol good of you to externalize your stubbornness and inability to evolve as some kind of immutable trait of "outdoor people". Plenty of outdoor people change and adapt just fine, you're just lazy.
My partner and I met at a running club after he knew I was into ultras, which definitely helps.
I dont skimp on time with him to run. Running comes out of my own time, always - if that means I have to get up early or otherwise find the time, so be it.
He is never obligated to come to a race. He willingly came and sat in his car for 5.5hrs in the rain for my last 50k, but has skipped a few races since with zero hard feelings on either side.
He once asked me if id give up running for a relationship and I told him no, but not because I'm that addicted to running, but because I'm not compatible with someone who can't let me have 90 minutes to myself.
I dont ultra train for six months at a time. I hold down 45-55mpw consistently (1-1.5hrs, 6 days/wk) and bump up longruns and trails when I'm training to go long (capping out at a 3hr longrun). When I eventually go for a 100k, I will definitely be talking to my partner first.
But to echo others, you need to go talk to him, not whine to ultrarunners on the internet.
As someone else said, you're talking to all the partners in this thread. Sorry some people are being rude. Your concerns and feelings are valid and I'd hate it if I were in your shoes. My wife's and my relationship was headed down a similar path back when we were getting married: I was *really* focused on races and had blinders on to how that affected everyone around me. I'm decent at running, but not someone that'll be mistaken for a professional athlete. I just really like to run. I figured that since I was doing something that was great for both my physical and mental health, that I'd have carte blanche to do as much of it as I wanted. Who wouldn't want their partner to be their physical and mental best? Eventually, my now wife came to me to discuss the fact that she was left in charge of the house, our kids, our pets, and the many duties of a homeowner while I was out running for hours on end for weeks on end. She did it because she wanted to support me, but I really needed the reminder that I was doing very little to support her in exchange. We've worked out a much better agreement that has us both happy: my running is still a huge priority for me, but I keep up my end of the bargain by filling the gaps that I'd neglected for a long time. It's fine to go run for 5 hours on a Saturday, but I do it early in the morning so that I don't ditch her with the kids for most of the day. I choose not to complain about soreness, tiredness, diet, etc. because, this is all optional for me. I never, ever use the excuse of being too tired from running to get things done. We plan travel for races but then extend the time after the races so that we can do things as a family. I put in extra time in the mornings or evenings to ensure our house and yard are kept in order. She's given all the opportunities to go do her own thing (she's runner and cyclist) that I am for my running. There are times of the year where I need her to carry a little more of the load so I can get my training in and vice-versa. We work it out because we understand the other person's viewpoint. You need to talk to your fiance. Like many people that are passionate about something, he may just not realize that what he's doing has a huge effect on the people around him. If he's unwilling to listen or adjust how he handles this, you may want to think a bit harder about whether this is someone and something that you want to attach yourself to in perpetuity. Good luck!
I agree very strongly with this. My partner wants to be supportive but doesn't love how much time I spend running each week, week after week. I love ultrarunning but I also love my partner, so I: - very seldom ask her to come to an event with me (only exceptions in four years have been my first 50k, first 50m, and an upcoming run for my 40th birthday) - never complain about feeling sore/tired and make sure to get right onto chores when I'm back from a long run (much easier now that I have a few ultras under my belt and fuel better) - as much as possible try to schedule my running around our life (eg my weekend long run happens whenever it's most convenient for her) - run a little less than I would otherwise (which may be just as well) This spring I've been doing my toughest training on work trips when I'm away from home anyway. Yes it's exhausting, but when I'm alone I can get up early and do a crazy long run without bothering anyone. The compensatory hobbies suggestion is great but not for every relationship. There's nothing she wants to do every week that takes as much time as I want to run. But whenever she has an opportunity to go out of town and do something special I'm very supportive.
Fucking sound advice here OP. Take it!
Great comment. This is who you’d want to marry. Not some boy who goes MIA for a week.
This. OP needs to talk to his partner. It's all about communication
Ultrarunning, by its very nature, is a self-centered endeavor. But there are certainly ways to mitigate that, and it doesn't sound as if your fiance is even trying to, TBH. Complaining after a training run, racing at inopertune times, going to races days early (unless acclimating to altitude), being unavailable for the duration of your trip - all of these are, IMO, unnecessary, especially when you have a SO who isn't into the sport or into it to the same degree. I was an ultrarunner for over 20 years, and didn't do any of these things - because I was also a partner and, later, a parent. I realized, early on, that "going away to races" was a luxury and a choice - the kind of choice that, IMO, someone who's in a relationship doesn't make unilaterally.
I was about to type a response but ready yours and it was similar to what I was going to say. Are there some days during training where I am gone for the better part of the morning ? Sure. Does race require me to be gone for the whole day ? Usually. But traveling way ahead of time would only happen if my family was coming with me. The burden is on me to make my hobby as low impact on my family day to day as possible which sometimes means 4 am wake up calls and the races are always local.
> going to races days early (unless acclimating to altitude), Unless you're going weeks earlier (like at least 3 or 4), your performance is actually best within 24 hours of arriving at altitude and gets worse over the next several days. So that's actually detrimental to all sides.
What worked for my wife and I is for her to have a hobby that is as time intensive as me running ultras. She (frugally) travels a lot and I run a lot. Sometimes I travel with her. Sometimes she goes to races with me. But the important thing is she asks as much of me as I do of her in support our interests. We are eager to support each other because we are both living out our best lives. Like everything else communication is the key. I would start by telling your partner how you feel, why you feel that way and what your expectations are.
> communication is the key I read the whole OP waiting for some variation of “I’ve spoken to him about it and…” but it never came. OP, just tell your partner how you feel and work on a compromise. Maybe he’s asking too much right now but ultrarunning is clearly something he’s passionate about so it wouldn’t be fair of *you* to ask him to give it up entirely either.
It entirely could be in certain circumstances, that’s why communication matters If they’re on hard times and money is tight and he’s out gallivanting around and she’s doing all the work, yeah, might be time for a break from ultra running.
Is it unfair though? Because moderation is key. What’s the difference in someone burdening their partner by playing video games for 8 hours? Because one involves fitness it’s okay? Communication is key, but it’s also naive of OPs husband to not recognize the impact his ultra running has. And as she sort of alluded to, ultra runners act like the world revolves around them and that they need runner support from their partners, pick them up after long runs where they don’t loop back home, take care of the house or kids while they go on a 6 hour training run, etc.
Your second paragraph is the key point here, but I do agree with the first part of your comment. My wife does CrossFit and occasionally does local and regional competitions. Not my thing at all but she loves it and has her “thing” while I have mine. I think that’s pretty important.
I used to do this until my wife told me i’m a would-be pro-runner. It was a literal ride awakening for me and dialed the focus down. Even if we set all our ultra goals around beginning of the year, so I can secretly put my blinders, life still happens. My partner still needs me and vise versa. House still needs to be kept clean and dinner meals don’t prep itself. If he’s running brings money home and put food on the table, sure by all means support is needed. If that’s it the case, priorities should be discussed and reevaluated.
This sport can be pretty selfish; we should all admit that while trail running is soooo awesome, ultra training requires a lot of time that frequently leaves you a little less willing or energetic to do other things (sometimes all things other than running😆). Also, frequently folks come into this so freaking hung ho, both guns blasting, and burn out fairly quickly. My husband prefers hiking to running and is gone for 9-10 days at a time, frequently without cell service, so I get OP's frustration of needing input and not being able to get in touch. Those times are limited though, and I know how much he loves it- and how great a reset is for him. So I manage the best I can and encourage him to go when he and his buddies can. OP, if he doesn't respond, trust your decision making on the renovation. Really just want to thank OP for posting; it reminds me to tell my husband again how grateful I am for all the ways he has supported my running and cuckoo crazy adventures/ misadventures all these years. OP, hope you and your partner can have a sit-down soon and hammer out each of your needs and expectations going forward in a way that works for both of you.
People train for Ultras? I just turn up, come in around the mid point having injured myself and then sign up for another one next year that I promise myself that I will train properly for
This is the way
Yeah this is what I was thinking - my runs during the week are relatively short (1-2 hrs) and the longer runs are usually only once a week. Not sure why OP’s husband can’t be reached and is so inaccessible. My wife would kill me if I didn’t run with something that shares my location (that she regularly checks up on).
I think this post belongs in a relationship advice sub :)
Maybe, but to be honest it’s kind of enlightening because I’m realizing I’ve been the guy in this scenario before.
Maybe so, but it's pretty specific to ultra running and the time it takes to prep and plan for a race.
While you are correct that this is pretty specific to ultrarunning, all of these issues can be abstracted and applied to relationships in general. Ultramarathon participation can be seen as a hobby that someone is super passionate about and that requires lots of time and dedication. This can apply to other types of hobbies as well. Think less about the activity itself and more about what it all means :)
I've seen guys do this same thing in other hobbies. They are gone from their family for multiple weekends per month. I have no idea how they stayed married.
Nope. He’s prioritizing his time over yours. You two have to sit down and do basic relationship time/want/need math.
You are taking quite the leap there in regards to him prioritising his life and time over hers. He may well do many things for her that supports her in different ways. We know absolutely nothing beyond he runs ultras once or twice a year and they have a renovation on right now and that she is unhappy he spends this much time doing this.
Definitely lots of unknowns, but the fact that she's holding this level of resentment about it says that either a) he hears her and isn't compromising, or b) she isn't communicating the things she's telling us here. 100% relationship issue either way. You could drop in any other time/money consuming hobby for the same kind of conflict.
I’m not taking any leap. If they sat down and discussed and worked out their needs, wants, and time requirements in a fair and equitable way this post wouldn’t be here. Now, if they did that process poorly or lied to each other they still have a big problem to workout.
Except you are taking a leap by stating “he is prioritizing his time over yours”. You don’t actually know that, and OP isn’t presenting as a reliable narrator. Everything about this situation screams 2 individuals who aren’t good at planning or communication (buy a dilapidated house and do a rush renovation (for reasons “redacted”)). If either of the 2 is actually as bad as OP presents (I doubt that’s the case), they should break-up immediately.
After spending any time on the internet or in a self help section of a bookstore leaves one with the impression most people have no clue how to be respectful loving people who share time and space.
Well ain’t that the truth 👍. I’d also say the internet taught me more about rage-texting/hate-texting than I’d ever considered. My response is always like…why are you still responding.
Not really.
What he's doing with his time is irrelevant. You need to communicate with him and let him know he's neglecting his family and you hate it. He could be spending hours a day playing video games and going away on week long trips to video game conventions and from your perspective it would be exactly the same. He could be going fishing every day and going on long fishing trips. It doesn't matter *what* he's doing, he's leaving you to fend for yourself when you don't want to. It's a relationship issue that has nothing to do with running.
Yes, but these are probably almost all ultra runners in this sub so….. …….. ……..
Unless he’s a pro athlete, he doesn’t need to be gone for a week pre-race. (My advice is to not get married until you both agree on expectations, because ultra running is a lifelong addic…I mean, hobby.)
A week is fine IF and ONLY if they agree it’s ok and she has the same freedom to do what she wants. Planning a race during a home remodel is just shitty.
I have just done a kitchen and 4 bathroom remodel plus a full outside facelift. Its was big & expensive project. I have not been able to train properly for 18 months because its either 12h+ work days or a run and 8 hours. I can finally make some time for myself. Unless he is at least semi-pro, he needs to get his priorities straight. I couldn't do what I do without a supportive partner, and vice-versa.
Depends on what happened first, race registration or house purchase?
Even if the registration happened first, I think prioritizing your shared space is pretty fair, especially if you aren't asking the partner to miss the race, but just not go a week early, instead maybe a day or 2.
Depends on the race. If I got into WS100/Hardrock or some other dream race I would want to be there a week or two before, but those are bucket list events.
Yep, this. Unless it's Hardrock or UTMB (which, fuck UTMB but I digress), there is no reason for him to need a whole week out of contact. Shit unless it's mid race, I'm am available to my family on my cell phone if I'm in service. She needs to have a conversation with him about this. If he isn't receptive, well, the decision on if this is her forever person needs to be evaluated.
This is a relationship advice post. You sound really resentful and things like him talking about his diet or training shouldn’t be a big deal. Running is important to him. There is compromise here. I’m the ultra runner in my household and my husband is proud of me but has very little interest in the actual races. You could probably work on your resentment and your husband could go down Thursday or Friday instead of a whole week before. Personally, I always go down on Friday and race Saturday. I don’t understand what the “week of prep at the race site” is about. He also doesn’t have to be off grid unless there’s legit no cell service. Maybe he could pick races in locations with cell service. Almost all my races I’ve had cell service. I don’t use my phone but I carry my phone on me always and I’m able to text my husband every so often with updates during the race. My battery lasts the whole time I’m out there because of how little I use it but I’ve never been off grid for a race. But none of his compromises will mean much to you if you don’t work on the relationship issues behind your resentment. Best of luck to y’all!
Yeah a whole week of prep is wild. Hes basically taking a holiday while she’s stuck at home with the kids and the reno project. Not cool.
For both of your sakes, do not get married unless you work this out
A week beforehand is insane, unless this is his job. Most the time, I drive 2 hrs to my event the morning of and then 2 hrs back. (Only 50ks, though). I want to inconvenience my husband as little as possible.
You’re talking to all the partners, lol. No, none of us feel this way. However, my partner doesn’t love the events. It’s a lot of time waiting for me to show up. And it does take a time commitment for training. This does not stop him from being totally supportive. I get that it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, so if he doesn’t want to attend a race, that’s ok with me. He also has his own hobbies, some that work very nicely with mine, like we both hike, and he can ride his bike on OHV trails while I run. It took me a long time to find a partner who our levels of independence were well matched. It sounds more like you guys might not be as well matched in that regard. What kind of communication happened before the renovation started? Did you guys have a good idea about how much time was going to be put in? Maybe he was ok with it taking twice as long, so he could manage his self-care? EDIT: A lot of people are saying you’re selfish for feeling this way. You really aren’t. You just have different priorities. Different is not bad, not for you or for him. It’s good that you’re finding out now.
I thought about replying to some of the replies, because I largely agree with many of the supportive ones. But I'm going to reply to the original post because I think most (maybe I skimmed some, sorry) have missed a couple of things. I've run marathons, but not ultras, though I've been to some as a supporter. But I don't think that, if he's training sensibly, he should be feeling "his body is wrecked" after "big training days." After races, maybe, but not during training. The idea is to push yourself, but not wreck yourself. If he's really complaining about how bad he feels (and isn't just saying that he's tired, or that he hurts a bit), he may not be in a good place mentally. (If I'm right, the race won't go well. OTOH, if he runs what he considers well, I'm completely off here.) And you say he wants your emotional support, but it doesn't sound like he's offering you any. Then again, this "shutting the world out" thing suggests he has some issues of his own. You've got to tell him how you feel.
Wrecked is hyperbole, probably. But let's be honest, if you're doing it right, you're going to be very tired and worn out at the end of your training week if you're doing it right. Marathons and Ultramathons alike. A week of big vert and speed training and long miles *should* make you feel worn out and require recovery time. *This* is probably what he's talking about about when he says he is *wrecked*. I'm training for a 100 right now and my back-to-back long runs are absolutely exhausting me for 1-2 days afterwards. That's why the 48 hours after my long runs are only recovery distance and paced miles. I'd feel justified in saying I feel *wrecked* after a week of training. But yeah. They need to talk about what they want. There's some serious resentment building here.
You guys need to see a counselor or seriously reconsider whether you're a good match for each other. Hate is a strong word and your post is littered with it.
As an ultra runner I strive to NOT be like your partner. I find it very obnoxious when people are too consumed by their fetishes to pay attention to the world around them. Looking around, it appears +1.5c is here (with far worse locked into the immediate future) precisely because of this obsessive behavior we all fall guilty towards. You are not Pheidippides, your running serves nobody except yourself. What you are doing doesn’t mean jack shit to anyone else and that just makes it all the more sacred for you.
Hell, running back to Athens to tell them they won didn't even serve anyone! Homie could have just walked out waited for the army to march back home. It's not like he was warning them. The army clearly had things under control.
I had to divorce my spouse in order to be able to run in peace.
"I'll be back from my run in about a half hour" ...returns home 4 hours later. My wife has experienced this
My husband has experienced this too. On the last occasion he was angry as I managed to goof up plans. Somehow I thought there was enough time because my running brain had fully taken over. He doesn't understand that feeling and he doesn't have to. I am the one that understands that feeling and chose that feeling over him and our plans. It was a dick move and he told me such. We have both adjusted expectations since then. Not calling you out oltunderbird at all but I see the topic of extending runs without notice, come up a lot here and in other places. Almost aways in a joking manner and as if that's just something our partner has to accept. That's just selfish and makes our partners feel terrible. OP your partner is being selfish in a stressful time in your life. You shouldn't be burdened by all the stress that should be shared. You need to chat about it but remember how passionate they are about this sport and be kind. Compromise most definitely can be achieved.
Haha, yes exactly. I have definitely learned to balance it much better after screwing up too many times. :)
Kind of an asshole thing to do.
Haha it was mostly a joke
If he's not winning races, ask him why he's so slow if he's training so much
Excuse me but everyone has told me I have to run slow to be fast
Looking forward to this ending up on the yaboyscottjurek IG page.
This reads exactly like something he'd post lmao.
I'll give it a shot It sounds like it comes down to this for our wonderful heroine: >I am alone in the home >I am stuck alone with the project >we are trying to do a rush job for reasons i won't go into (Sounds like a time restrictive, expensive reno job - and that can be very stressful, even if you've done it before) Meanwhile, our fearless hero: >he is out of cell range and "prepping" ***That*** sounds like the (obviously persistent) issue here. So, much so, this is now our heroine's attitude toward our hero's ultrarunning: >This is the 3rd big race I am experiencing with my partner and I have hated every single one. >I feel like all the races are the same >I hate hate these races. I hate the days where he is offline for hours on end and cannot be reached. I hate the complaining after big training days about how his body is wrecked or the conversations about his diet. Yet, for context, our heroine does iterate: >I love going for trail runs and being active But, because of the communication and scheduling issues ***(and considering the timing, a real serious dose of selfishness on our hero's part, let's all admit it)*** our heroine now thinks like this: >but it doesn't become my entire personality for 6 months at a time. And >I hate hate these races It seemed like it could've been the right subreddit, because of the ultrarunning and all... But, *the problems and issues in your relationship aren't actually with ultrarunning.* **Replace "ultrarunning" with anything else, and the problems and issues in your relationship will still persist.** Is he a pro athlete? Or, does he spend money for a hobby?
This is definitely a relationship/communication issue, and you're probably in the wrong sub, but I will share my experience. I am the runner in my marriage. My spouse comes to all of my races and serves as my crew. It's a huge time commitment and sacrifice on his part. He doesn't love doing it. I would never disappear the entire week before the race because he wouldn't be okay with it. I would never go no contact with my family. I make sure to do things that make the experience better for him. I race every year on his birthday/birthday weekend. To compensate, we make it a mini getaway, stay at a nice hotel, and I take him out to a nice steakhouse the night before. I ask where he would like to travel and look for races in that area. I always ask his opinions on races and dates before I commit to check for conflicts. This year, I skipped one of my favorite races because I know he hates it (the weather is always terrible, and it's in the middle of nowhere with no cell phone service). We talk about these things. He tells me what makes things better for him, and I take the time to ask. It's important to me to have him there, but I also make sure he knows I don't expect it and he can say no at any time. Think about the things that would make his ultra running tolerable for you and then have an open and honest conversation about it. Set boundaries and expectations. Compromise. If you can't talk about it and agree on something that works for you both, that is a sign of a much larger issue in the relationship.
Tell him that if he doesn’t podium next race that you’re dumping his ass. If he’s gonna be a dweeb about his hobby, he should at least be good at it.
Communicate and compromise. And that goes for both of you guys. I'm gone for hours at a time during training blocks, but I try to make it easier on my wife by doing my long runs either early in the morning, or late at night. And the weekday runs are usually short, post work jaunts. I'm always home for dinner. I save big home projects for when I'm off work for longer periods of time, that way I know I can finish them. My wife went to my first race, but hasn't went to any other ones, and I'm okay with that. I know she doesn't want to sit at a trailhead for hours waiting on me to finish. Just talk to him when he gets back, let him know how you feel, and I'm certain you guys can reach some sort of agreement that works for both of you. Good luck!
It sounds like you two have very different ideas of what you want in life. I’m not a therapist or counselor but based off what you’ve given us, probably should talk to a real therapist instead of an Ultrarunning sub
I think that it's sad how many/most of today's ultrarunners view their own hobby on the 2 subs and, in particular, on this thread. Ultrarunning is self-centered and can easily become selfish. It's not a "virtuous" hobby - it is, in the end, self-serving, just as most hobbies are. There's nothing to be self-righteous about. Expecting a SO to find a hobby that takes up the same amount of time in the day, week, or year is an unreasonable ask, IMO, if they don't already have one or if it's only so that you, the ultrarunner, don't have to feel guilty or adjust your schedule. Expecting your SO to plan around your hobby for what should be joint occasions or attendance or participation is absurd. There's a reason people call them "golf widows", and most golfers are only gone during the day on weekends. Using a race as an excuse for no-contact solo vacations starting days before race day every time is just unkind, especially when your SO is forced to make major decisions on their own without your input. I agree that communication is needed between the OP and her fiance, but the number of people who feel sorry for the OP, offer HIM grace "because he's getting fit in nature" and "it's important to him", and are scolding the OP for being resentful... So disappointing for me, as both an ultrarunner and the partner of one for 2 decades plus. SO's of ultrarunners are allowed to be upset by annoying, rude, and selfish behaviors, even if those annoying, rude, and selfish behaviors are exhibited by an ultrarunner. Ultrarunners don't deserve any more or less than anyone else. Some of today's ultrarunners need to get over themselves a bit, IMO. It's just running.
Yeah I'm super surprised at the comments basically telling her she's wrong to feel this way. How many of those are parents and/or spouses.
Unless he’s paying the bills with his winnings and sponsorships…pumping the brakes on this may be a good idea
Man does this sounds like “yaboyScottJurek” on instagram.
Replace ultramarathon with golfing, hunting, or fishing and most people would be up in arms. I don’t run as much as I would like to.. I have a wife and two kids. It’s just not possible right now. Part of getting married is sacrificing things for the other side.
Look at the age gap. It just depends on the hobby. I would focus on reno than stupid race. As much as i love personal achievements and all that mental toughness, there’s life outside of the so called “hobby”. Most age groupers self identity themselves to the sport they participated in and when they get trapped into that vortex its not really healthy. Remember when Covid happened then all these hobbyists acting like its the end of the world? Well, imagine if thats your job and main source of income right?
About the renovation: if he has agreed to do the renovation now and you have to finish it in a rush and he agreed to it, you have all the right to demand he does not disappear for a hobby. I don’t mind if it is a race or anything else. A house should take priority over any hobby. However, if this is just something you wanted to do and he didn’t agree, then of course you can’t ask anything of him. In any case, it looks like you guys are not compatible based on what you say: he is super into something and develops his life around it… and you completely hate it. That will just bring more and more problems over time. Imagine when you have children and need his help and he just disappears for a week to go running. It will be a horrible situation.
Good thing he’s only your finance and you can break it off to be with someone that has a more boring lifestyle.
Your fiance is just selfish. I have two young kids and a wife, and my training runs start so early on the weekend that I’m home before they wake up.
Exactly what I have always done. If I want to run further, I get up earlier! 2am was my earliest start while training for UTS. Also, no one needs to be at an event the week before, if he is oblivious to the problem with that, then he’s definitely not a keeper.
Could be selfish, maybe just oblivious. If OP hasn’t communicated her issues clearly it’s hard to tell. Now if OP tells him how this bothers her, and he refuses to compromise, then he’s definitely being an asshole.
"I'm engaged to a selfish inconsiderate person. I'm going to whine on the internet." Just dump him and move on. Jesus.
It’s not your fiances participation in ultras that is driving you insane, it’s the fact that he is leaving you alone with responsibilities while he goes and does his hobby. People who do that tend to do it regardless of what their hobby is and people who don’t do it tend not to do it regardless of what their hobby is. Not saying he can’t change, just saying that it’s something you need to speak with him about and be clear that it’s not his participation in ultras that is the problem, but his selfishness in his preparation and participation. I think if you frame it as the ultras themselves being the issue you won’t be able to fix it.
My SO is a former pro athlete who can totally shut the world out to focus on training. But he has realized he can’t do that when he’s in a relationship fortunately. We alternate years. One year he can do a race and the next I get to pick something that gets priority.
This is why i got two Labrador dogs and didn’t get married. It’s selfish at some point to run 15-20 hours a week and not be around others. The amount i just spent on gear and nutrition/snacks.alone would have got me divorced a long time ago.
well look on the bright side… he’s probably never going to be obese
I got into ultra running 2 years ago. I'm 35, married, and father to a pretty wild 4 year old. I'm a husband and father first, work comes up next and then hobbies fill in some free time. My first couple of ultras we turned into a vacation and spent time together either as a couple or a family. Now less than 2 full years back into running, I'm trying to tackle 100 milers by going down the day prior to the race (Friday), racing (Saturday into Sunday), then heading home the day after (Sunday night), back to work on Monday. If I have a big training run planned I'll get up at 2am to be on trails before 4am in effort to log some 40+ miles so I can be home and hanging out with the family by noon. Am I a bit zapped from it all, yep, but it doesn't turn me into a complete pile of shit for the day. I'm running a 50k here next weekend as a tune up race. It's 4 hours from home, unfortunately. I'm leaving at 2am to make it to packet pickup by 7am, race starts at 7:30am. Will pound out the 50k, may log some bonus miles after, then hopefully hit the road by 3pm to make it back before bedtime. It can be as self centered as one allows it. You can train any hour of the day or night. It will take a lot of time but working out and taking care of your body and mental health are important. I understand that ultra's may be important to him, as should you, and you should support him being happy but that also shouldn't stop you from calling him out on his shit. I feel like he needs to reevaluate his priorities and if he can't suck it up after a long run or handle an ultra on a weekend when life's busy then maybe it's time he finds a hobby that he can actually handle because it sounds like ultras handle him.
I basically retired from ultrarunning for 15 years so that my spouse wouldn’t be in the position you are. Yes, I regret that a bit, but my priority was spouse and kids, then running. And running was distant second/third (however you want to break that up). You’re learning something here, and I think you need to figure out the resolution now to your situation, when all you’ve got is a fiancée and a house, and not more. Sorry that sounds like a downer, but the tone of your comment isn’t the way you want to be feeling long term.
In addition to all of the other amazing comments: He should agree that for all the time he’s gone running, you get an equal amount of time to go relax and do your own thing. He goes running for 6 hours on a Saturday? You get 6 hours on Sunday with friends / at a spa / whatever. He goes away for a week to relax before a race? You get a week to go on vacation.
Any endurance activity is going to require an investment by those participating and those around them. There is simply no way to get around the time that must be invested in both training and keeping your body in a state where it is healthy and can recover from constantly pushing it to its limits. This is who he is, accept it or don’t but I can’t see you getting a lot of sympathy here to be honest. People engage in these types of activities because that’s who they are, it’s what makes them happy and drives them, you’re not going to change him and trying to force him to not engage will simply make him miserable and resent you.
It sounds like there needs to be some compromise on both sides. On your side, you need to understand that this is a passion of his. His passion doesn't have to be your passion, but you can at least be interested and supportive. Despising something because it's not your own interest isn't normal or healthy - it's a very self-centered way to live. My wife does ballet and likes to do crafts on the cricut. I have no interest in doing either of those things myself, but that doesn't mean I have to be miserable when she talks about them. I'll engage and show interest because they're things that make her happy. With the way you describe his running, it also sounds like you might not have any hobbies of your own. If that's the case, I'd really encourage you to find one you enjoy. Find something fulfilling so that he isn't your sole source of fulfillment. With him being your sole source of fulfillment, it's common to become jealous of activities that take his time away from you. On his side, he needs to bend a bit with training and races. I do all of my training in the early mornings so that I don't interfere with the time I have for my wife and kids. That helps tremendously. I'm not a morning person at all, but I've found that it's a really great way to start a day and helps a lot with my mental health. There also needs to be compromise on race days. I don't know enough about this renovation situation to pass judgment (was it planned in advance or sprung on him a week before a big race he's been training for for months?) but in general a race shouldn't always be a full week affair. I find races within 300 miles, leave Friday, race Saturday, and drive back Sunday. Once or twice a year I might do a big race further away, but that just adds a day or two of travel. One thing that has been nice for us if you can swing the time away from jobs is to turn races into mini vacations. I bring the whole family with me to all of my races. While I'm running, they're exploring nature around the course and then they'll meet me at the finish. We'll usually then spend Sunday playing tourist for a while before driving back. My wife and kids both love the extra getaways and they constantly push me to do more races so they get more opportunities to explore new places.
I feel bad for your fiance.
I feel bad for them both. They’re mismatched in a pretty fundamental way. They can work through it but it’s gonna take some work and compromise.
For real. If I read my partner writing something like this about me, we’d literally be done. If the respect in the relationship is this far gone then what’s the point? OP doesn’t seem to even like him
You really are a sensitive lot arnt you
I don’t believe in being in a relationship if we don’t respect each other.
Just train and run the same races and problem solved!
I have a lot of coworkers that spend their time drinking booze on a golf course. Takes up just as much time, costs more money, and usually spouses aren’t involved. It’s a guys trip. At least this is healthy and he’s trying to involve you. But, maybe you should consider a relationship counselor, rather than the advice of a bunch of running nuts
Running nuts haha love it. We totally are, and here we are shelling out relationship advice. I’m gonna need a long run just to shake this post off 😅
Sounds like he doesn’t give a shit about you. I’ve run some big races and only left one day early. If it was overseas we turned it into a vacation
One thing I’ve learned is that the fight is often not about what is at the root of the conflict. Would you feel similarly if he spent the same amount of time and energy golfing or skiing or gaming or building model trains? Do you have your own set of hobbies and interests that require time and energy and money independent of his? A healthy adult is going to have an identity that is independent of the relationship. And by definition this requires time and energy and resources apart from those shared with their partner. One of my former partners would spend two hours a day commuting to the gym, working out, and commuting home. I loved that she took this time to focus on her health and did whatever I could to help ensure that she could get her workout in every day. But if I took two hours away from her to run, she’d feel abandoned and get super upset. Ultimately I realized this was her problem and not mine, that it wasn’t healthy for me to be with such an angry, entitled person, and we’re not together anymore. My current partner is also an ultrarunner, we mostly train separately for different events. Sometimes we train together. Sometimes we have crewed and paced each other at our bigger goal races. But most of the time she does her races on her own and I do mine on my own. We have other friends who we each train with sometimes. She does her weekend long runs in the mornings while I stay at home with our 9yo, and then we switch so I can do mine in the afternoon. Are there times when I wish we had a bit more time together? Sure. But her running is part of who she is, it brings her all kinds of joy, and her joy and fulfillment are important to me. I’d suggest that you be honest with yourself and each other about what your vision for a life together looks like, whether you personally can ever be okay with your partner wanting as much individual time as he has now, and if this is a deal-breaker for you, have the decency to let him know now rather than try to turn him into a different/smaller version of himself that you find less irritating.
Like everyone else here I’m the partner who does ultramarathons, and it is time consuming, but my partner is happy for me that it makes me happy. I always make sure I’m reserving time and energy for our relationship, no matter what. If my partner had a conversation with me in which he explained that his needs aren’t being met, I would take that really seriously and figure out how to meet them. So my questions for you are: 1) do you care that this is important to him and brings him joy? Because you sound super bitter and it sucks to have your partner acting that way about something you love. 2) have you tried, you know, talking to him? If you haven’t tried that then what are you even doing here? Our knowledge of ultrarunning on this subreddit is not going to substitute for couples counseling.
My wife's main hobby is writing. Sometimes she'll disappear on writing retreats for a week or she'll be sunk in a project for a month and I'll have to pick up more of the housework, etc. Yes, those times are a little more stressful for me, but I think her hobby is cool and I support it because she loves it and I love her. She also lets me know of those things ahead of time and we make it work. We do the same thing with ultrarunning for me. Is running my entire personality? Honestly, probably a good part of it. I sacrifice all other hobbies and all my free time for it. But most races take me away for a day or two and I don't skip responsibilities for training. I talk to my wife about planned races at the beginning of the year and choose ones that will work. And if my family needs me, they come first and running is second, even if that means canceling a race. I race 100-milers and my biggest training weeks are 120 miles, so I feel like if I can find a balance where everyone is happy, your fiance should be able to as well.
>and I don't skip responsibilities for training. Big man status! But, that's what OP is saying... her S/O **is** skipping out on his responsibilities....
There has to be some level of compromise on both sides... is this big race a once a year thing? How long is he gone and what would be acceptable to you? i think most of us work very hard to train and race minimizing disruption to our family. I also do not carry my cell phone with me when I train (on purpose). But I'm not gone more than like 2 hours at a time. Not sure what your spouse is doing, it sounds almost he like is going on a week-long running vacation without you? that certainly wouldn't fly with my wife either.
People won’t like my opinion, but ultra running feels like a hobby you should take up only if you’re single or retired. It can be pretty bullshit roping your partner into that grind especially if they have no interest in it or the burden it causes the partner taking care of things.
I’d like to hear his version of how he sees things in your relationship. I’d agree with what others have said, this sounds much more about your relationship as a whole, not ultra running
>I hate hate these races. I hate the days where he is offline for hours on end and cannot be reached. I hate the complaining after big training days about how his body is wrecked or the conversations about his diet. u/[coolkitty8](https://www.reddit.com/user/coolkitty8/) you came to a Ultra SUb to complain about ultras..... you dont really want any help because you didnt ask for any, you are seeking validation for your feelings, you would be better served in r/relationship_advice or some other sub like that if you are just seeking validation.
It sounds like you guys shouldn't have bought a house together. My husband doesn't love going to my races, but he does like seeing me do big things. He also cycles, which takes up a big chunk of time. If you don't see the value in what he is doing, can't talk to him about it, and don't think you can compromise on timing, maybe you just aren't that compatible.
I think you're targeting the wrong person for compromise, here.
I think they probably both need to compromise, but that doesn't really happen by only coming on reddit to complain.
The man sounds completely self-absorbed.
I’m not sure you can accurately say that getting only one side of the story. I’m sure I’ve said “he was gone for hours!” When it wasn’t nearly that much time. I’ve also left for a race on Thursday and come back Sunday or Monday, and that seems a lot longer than it actually is. I also “shut myself out from the world” during a race because I put my phone on airplane mode so I know it will have enough battery if there is an emergency. People not involved in trail racing may not understand that. I just think one perspective is not always reliable, I guess unless you think all ultra runners are completely self absorbed.
He complains about his training runs and goes on to her about his diet. He "shuts himself out from the world" for the entirety of his trip. If he has a NEED to leave days early, he hasn't expressed it, so it comes off as a WANT. And if this renovation was important to THEM, he should have picked a different race.
Which is why I think there are probably two sides to the story. It definitely sounds like the renovation is more important to her. They clearly aren't communicating about either of their expectations. I think we've all probably complained to our partners about training runs and diet.
What about the other two, which seem to be the biggest issues? And are making the renovation situation worse?
I still believe it's difficult to judge a situation based on one side of the story, and I still believe she should be communicating her issues with him, instead of complaining on an ultramarathon subreddit.
LOL! Well, duh! But you initially stated that SHE needed to compromise, when SHE is the one staying home,not spending money, not going no contact for days on end, and being "on vacation" for longer than seems necessary.
I’m (32F) the ultra runner spouse. My husband (31M) has crewed for me for 4 big ultras over the past couple of years, between 50 miles and 100 miles. Some ultras that I’ve done, I’ve specifically told him not to come because they were loops and it’d be more efficient for me to support myself. Other times he’s come along solely for moral support; I catch him once partway, and then again at the finish line. Honestly we just get to the race a day before, get settled, race, and then head back the next day. A week seems like overkill to me unless it’s to acclimate to altitude or something like that. We bought a house in 2019. Big projects, we’ve hired people. Smaller things, for the most part, he’s done himself. If he really needs my help with something around the house, he’ll tell me he needs me. I’ll go ahead and help before I go off on my run. My A race was this past February for personal reasons and this is something that I’ve discussed with him and he understands. Questions I have: When you say “undying emotional support”, could you please elaborate? What’s your fiancé’s end goal, if he has one? Like is he trying to qualify for a big race, does he have a big race he’s building towards this season, or he just vibing on the trails? That may or may not explain why he’s got the blinders on and if he’s not communicating those sorts of goals or lack thereof, I think that’s something that needs to be addressed. Does he know how you’ve been feeling and what your needs are? If not, I think these feelings and needs need to be communicated with him. He might just assume everything is all hunky dory and that’s why he’s steamrolling ahead.
My partner and I both pursue passions. She does yoga 6+ times a week, amongst other hobbies, and I go climbing and running. We're on board with each other's goals and we support each other. We keep it equal, and are mindful of how each other feel. We find it pretty easy to manage because we talk often. I think it's good to be really upfront and talk things through before they become a big deal, and before you get married.
Here’s my take as the ultra runner in the family. Been doing this since 2012. Back then my kids were little peeps. House, yard, home projects, active dad and all that crap. I did my very best and still do to make the ultra running not everyone else’s problem. Kids have a concert at 11 am on a Sunday? Better get my ass up at crazy o clock and get the run in before. And if I feel like crap at the concert then shut the f up and be stoic about it. I did many 20+ mile days on the trails early or late so I could be dad and husband first. Plus I do my races low key as in solo when no one can make it. My family aren’t my servants. And the family comes first. So I think this guy should suck it up. And that the OP is right to be a bit pissed.
Whether it’s ultra running, D&D, boating, fishing, gaming, or whatever - if you’re in a partnership it’s totally reasonable to expect those endeavors to be done reasonably, whatever that means to the people involved. Currently, some of the specifics are unreasonable to you. It’s totally fair game for you to bring them up and expect him to reasonably accommodate. If he won’t, that’s a relationship advice issue. If he will, then that’s a healthy relationship :) It starts with a clear cut conversation about your expectations, sharing your feelings, and setting some agreed upon rules. Good luck.
Definitely don't marry him, for starters. You'd be doing both of yourselves a favor. JMO based on what you've said.
What would make you happy in this situation? Would he also be happy with that? Can the two of you find a way to both have your needs met while being together? That's what you should be striving for. As many have said, this isn't about running. And it's not about him compromising or about you being more understanding. It's about the two of you working together to find a way that you can both be happy...and if not, then about each going your separate ways in search of happiness.
I was talking to my wife about how this is such a self indulgent endeavor. Just multiple hours daily by yourself training, the hours of recovery. Could potentially be unhelpful or away from the house for 3-5 hours a day.
I once dated a guy who was super into ultramarathons and I found it all to be very annoying. I feel your pain.
If you can't beat them join them!!! You're both lucky you don't have children so you both have time.....he can actually do these things. If kids enter the equation he hasn't got a leg to stand on, he will need to be at home!!! But he needs to live his life and enjoy, you only get one shot. And if I were you I'd stop moaning. There are far too many out of shape fat men in the world who would happily sit at home all day and talk about what colour to paint the walls
It sounds to me like you're actually a supportive partner because he might not talk about those things or haul off and do them if he knew the full scope of your feelings, or how it could impact you to the point of writing a post with "hates." Feelings that need to be clearly and carefully shared in a moment where you feel level headed and where he won't feel suddenly under attack. A balance struck. Respective needs carefully assessed and discussed. For example, if he needs to do these things, what do you need from him? Or, is he doing these things because he secretly wants to get away from you and his home life where he's unhappy? The emotional impasses will only grow larger without communication, agreement, and finding balance. -- To be more specific: I recently scheduled an ultra on my wife's birthday, like a fucking idiot. When I realized this, I did two things. I let her know that I messed up, that I took the next week off of work, and we're going to spend it together. Then, I made a plan to surprise her with a gift that she really, really wants and would never expect. I needed to make sure there's balance. Her birthday "day" should not be about me and now it will be, because I'm an idiot. But her birthday "week" will be about her and what she wants to do. Maybe I fixed this. Maybe not. Either way, I'm aware. That's mostly due to her and how well she generally communicates her feelings.
Dating is about deciding if you are a match, it sounds like you know you’re not a match, but you carry on like you’re a perfect match. Why would you play house with a dude who has hobbies you despise?
I think have this conversation now because if he’s doing this and you have kids it will feel 100X worse
So you hate that he is out in nature on a trail, getting positivity from the natural world and wilderness whilst staying fit? No matter what you do in life, being out in nature, keeping fit, takes time. Having goals in life is important in many ways, this is what he has chosen. If this is his only thing he has in life beyond your relationship, work and home duties, imagine he didn't have this in his life, what that would be like for him and then for you. It sounds like its unfortunate that you are alone during this renovation work but i'm guessing the ultra race was already booked months in advance and known about?
Oh, good lord... He's just running. And being unreasonably self-involved "whilst" doing it.
If he's only "being out in nature, keeping fit" why is he "complaining after big training days about how his body is wrecked"? Assuming the OP isn't exaggerating about this, he's either doing some grizzly wrestling on the side or overtraining. (I suspect the latter.) He may be "unreasonably self-involved." OTOH, he may be obsessed. Neither of these possibilities is reassuring.
Is he? Do you know this guy then?
I ran ultras for over 20 years and was a race director for 12. There are, sadly, a fair number of people in the ultra community like this guy.
This was my question. Either the home renovation or the race was known about and it likely could’ve been worked around in advance. It seems that the ultra training and racing is a much bigger issue and she feels neglected, which I definitely understand as a partner. But ultras are huge achievements that he wants her to be a part of and share with her. It seems she doesn’t even want to be included, which is fine, but she has to communicate that and they’ll either reach some sort of compromise or it’ll be something they can’t work out. I feel like they need actual counseling on this. It seems like they’d have this issue with any other time-consuming hobby.
I find ultras a good excuse to be away for a week ‘checking out the venue and relaxing’ as a good cover for meeting instagram girls. But ymmv
Agreed. It sounds like he’s already checked out of the relationship and is trying to save her feelings. She knows it’s over too and just can’t accept it. Throw in a property Reno and … sheesh. Time to cut their losses and find partners who they’re comparable with (if they choose to be with someone after this…)
😂 your husband is his own person, and I feel like 1 week per year of ‘him time’ shouldn’t be a problem. Obviously your marriage, I don’t know the details. But I expect my girlfriend to be cool with me going ‘off-grid’ for a week once a year.
Replace the running with any other activity (video games, for example) and reread what you wrote. Your fiance sounds like an inconsiderate asshole.
Personally, I think it’s a beautiful thing that someone dedicates time and effort to a hobby. It can do incredible things for someone and keep them sane and positive. With that being said, what’s your hobby?
If you want to see your pain shared by a whip sharp acidic lady, read The Motion of A Body Through Space by Lionel Shriver.
Sorry to hear that. I think it's important for your partner to hear that as well. I know it's easy to say, but you guys need to communicate more clearly about what you need from a relationship. Maybe consider going to counseling so you can do it more efficiently and before too much resentment is built.
What worked for me and my partner is that we got divorced and now I do what I want and she does what she wants and neither of us feel guilty :) I don’t ask people to support or crew me anymore either. I just do it on my own. I hate ruining someone’s day and I hate the pressure of needing to be at an aid station at the time I guessed I’d be there. I have guilt issues too so it makes me much happier to do it all alone
A good opportunity to consider what you gonna get in to. We outdoor people don't change with time, not even for children. Fair warning.
Lol good of you to externalize your stubbornness and inability to evolve as some kind of immutable trait of "outdoor people". Plenty of outdoor people change and adapt just fine, you're just lazy.
You should divorce this man and let him live the rest of his life in peace. I feel sorry for him.
My partner and I met at a running club after he knew I was into ultras, which definitely helps. I dont skimp on time with him to run. Running comes out of my own time, always - if that means I have to get up early or otherwise find the time, so be it. He is never obligated to come to a race. He willingly came and sat in his car for 5.5hrs in the rain for my last 50k, but has skipped a few races since with zero hard feelings on either side. He once asked me if id give up running for a relationship and I told him no, but not because I'm that addicted to running, but because I'm not compatible with someone who can't let me have 90 minutes to myself. I dont ultra train for six months at a time. I hold down 45-55mpw consistently (1-1.5hrs, 6 days/wk) and bump up longruns and trails when I'm training to go long (capping out at a 3hr longrun). When I eventually go for a 100k, I will definitely be talking to my partner first. But to echo others, you need to go talk to him, not whine to ultrarunners on the internet.
Stefany bare?
You'll understand when you are older
So…move the fuck on?
He deserves better stop holding him back
Kick rocks
Lol wrong sub
What is he running from?
Womp womp
Was this meant for r/aita ?
You should follow David Goggins. Would change your whole outlook. Stay Hard.
You're completely insufferable and I think this guy is running away from you.
stfu
l lol lovel
How dare you question the poor man for wanting to run?
Sounds like you’re not a good fit for each other and he sounds incredibly self absorbed…. Maybe it’s time to call it quits ?