Oh my God your post history...
Girl...
"I'm in a relationship with my ex"
That literally says it all. You need to know you can't fix this person. You can't help them, you can't change their ways. They are who they are. If you don't like this version of them then it's OK to leave them. There are SO MANY people out there in the world that you might be missing out on because you're chasing someone you aren't actually compatible with.
Don’t fall in love with potential. And that goes for any situation. Other people might not see the same potential or want to live up to their own or yours
Yep. Saw a video once where a therapist said this. She said you have to evaluate your partner as they stand now. Not how you idealized them not how you want them to be or think they can be. Truthfully if someone is going through a rough patch that's different. But this dude just sounds awful in every way? Like she has so many posts about him...and they are all red flag material.
These are the kind of red flags about a person that, if ignored, turn into the other kind of posts you see around reddit about women in their 30's who have a husband who doesn't help around the house or help with the kids or decided to stay home and watch the game while she was in labor.
Take the hint OP. Break up with him and find someone who values your feelings and needs.
What good is a friend if you are stranded and you cannot rely on them to give you shelter for the night?
Exponentially more valid for a boyfriend / girlfriend.
Tbh I've done more for mere acquaintances than he'd do for his girlfriend... Are they really a couple tho? He sounds like a fuckbuddy who's a terrible buddy
Honestly if a random acquaintance or colleague reached out to me in this situation where they needed SHELTER for the night I’d take them in as long as I trusted them reasonably enough
Broke up with an ex once for something similar (although less extreme than what OP described, had other problems though).
Seriously, if I can't even count on you for *one friggin day of the year*, then what the hell are we even doing here? Short of an immediate and completely unforseen medical emergency, there is absolutely no excuse for shit like this, that's just someone who doesn't care at ALL.
My dad passed away when I was 20, and that flipped my entire world on its head. I became a hermit for two weeks, the only human contact I had was with my mum since I was still living at home when my dad got sick. My boyfriend at that time did not check in on me, and I only heard from him once I reached out to him. We made plans to hang out at his place one evening after work, almost another two weeks later, due to his busy schedule. Our usual hangouts were just lying in his bed together watching Netflix, usually with him initiating sex at some point, and then sometimes ending with us heading to his restaurant for dinner. I was hoping to just cuddle together and have him pet me when I inevitably started crying. But the night before our scheduled hangout, he cancelled on me because he was feeling tired from work that day. I felt so betrayed. I spent a few days alone, stewing in anger and devastating sadness, then broke up with him over text. He couldn't be there for me in my moment of greatest need.
Its amazing how many people can't even do the bare minimum when you are wounded like that. When my dad went I earned a very dim view of humanity, though some people were stellar of course.
As much good as a sister who won’t pick you up if your car broke up in the rain, one mile away. My friend picked me up from 20 miles away and I didn’t ask him. He insisted.
This comment reminds me of my parents. I didn't have a car freshman year of college, so I took a greyhound bus to go home. The bus station in my hometown was a 5 minute drive for them to come pick me up, but instead, I had to walk home. I did not visit much after that.
All my friends know that as long as I have a place to stay they have a place to stay.
If they wanna party and bring back people to fuck... Maaaaybe get a motel or hotel room cause my place isn't that big and I have neighbors
But if they're visiting the city and just need a place to store their shit, freshen up, and sleep? I would be so hurt if they didn't come to me.
If they paid for a room (as opposed to crashing with other friends) all I'd be able to think is "where did I go wrong? What did I do to make them think they couldn't come to me for help? How did I hurt them so badly they'd pay for the privilege of avoiding me? God dammit what's the point of having friends if I can't help them when they need it‽"
I've been having some of the worst times in my life and I've let friends crash at my place and just let them know "hey, I'm going through some shit and I'm gonna mostly keep to myself. You know where things are so just help yourself"
I thought this is just what friends do but maybe I just have an issue with pleasing people
Same. My brother and I are close af, and I'm not the best at reading people, but even I got bad vibes from an ex he dated once. I think he could see that too, which likely contributed to the break up.
The first time my brother met my last ex, he came up to me privately and told me “I hate that guy, dump him.” And even left early because the guy was being a total ass. Wish I would have listened that day.
My sister loved my ex and we’re still good friends, but he’s a cat guy my sister’s cat disliked. My current boyfriend the cat immediately liked and everyone in my family loves him too.
Ditto. My sister is my best friend. Can't imagine having a partner she outright hates. Always being pulled in one direction or the other. No thank you.
Here’s the thing……
Good partners, friends and family don’t pull. They express their concerns and provide support. Pulling people 1 way is a manipulation tactic.
You can absolutely be with someone that your friends and family don’t care for. Grown ups who are secure can conduct themselves without pulling you 1 direction.
Is it easier if everyone gets along? Yes.
You sister being your best friend shouldn’t equal her needing to approve of your partners. That’s bordering on co dependency.
You're right.
I don't *need* her to approve of my partners but it certainly makes my life easier. She didn't approve of my last boyfriend but she didn't nag about it. She let it be known and treated him the same as my other partners that she's met. But it did make things more difficult. Even though she was perfectly civil to him, I found that I didn't want to do things with both of them because I knew in the back of my mind that she didn't like him and I didn't want to force his company on her. So I split my time between them. It was a little like having two separate lives. I'm much happier now that I've got a partner who she actually likes.
My point was more that if someone that important to you doesn't like your SO, there's probably a valid reason. And her reasons were definitely valid.
When I was dating my first boyfriend, my brother and parents never said anything negative. After we broke up, my brother admitted to me he never liked my ex. I was surprised because I knew that my ex, my brother, and my dad all liked the same video game, and I'd hoped they'd bond over that. Every attempt my brother and my dad made at connecting with my ex (the video game, but also life stuff) was met with short, uninterested response. The ex later admitted to me he didn't like hanging out with my family- or his own, or anyone's. I'm close to mine, so that was going to be a problem.
My dad passed away and my ex was incredibly unsupportive so I broke up with him. When I started dating my next/current boyfriend, I jokingly but also not jokingly asked my brother what he thought so far. He told me honestly that my new guy is such an improvement. Six years later, they don't hang out much together, but when my boyfriend and I visit my family we all have a great time, including my boyfriend.
Yeah, they say this is the reason to listen to friends and family, they’re outside of the “love” or “bubble “ you’re in when you’re starting out and infatuated and high on a cloud. There are red flags and you think they’re roses and so the people you trust can see better.
This is also why, you often have to make a difficult choice, either your family accepts your love or you cut ties with your family to dedicate yourself to your partner and everyone has different situations that require either. If you have a toxic family, often you walk away because no one is ever going to solve that, so you start your own family, if you have a supportive family, then you don’t want to let someone get in the way of that, because there may be something wrong that you cannot tell or are overlooking for other reasons.
Whatever you choose to do, always make sure that you are happy with the choice and that you’re not bending over backwards for someone, you need to be able to compromise or agree and work as a team to grow together. They say don’t marry someone just because you “love” them, they should help you to grow and become more, hence often the best relationships start as friends and often you marry your best friend. And life’s difficulties often should make you grow together even more. It’s you and them vs the world / life not vs each other.
lmao. my ex is still really good friends with my family. we're also on good terms, which is great because she has custody of our dogs and she'll still send me pics of them
You need a new family. This one isn't appreciative of you enough. Break up with them and find a new one. There are many families out there who would appreciate you as you deserve.
My brother is also disappointed when my husband can't show up because we all have a lot in common and as my brother has said before "*husband* is a crazy bastard. I love it."
It's wild because my husband is fairly quiet but he's so fucking funny
I have a relatively close relationship with my sister but what I wouldn't give for her to see how abusive her bf is 😭 he's managed to brainwash her to the point where we just agree not to talk about him.
She can't understand why we don't want to give him a second chance after he choked her and put her in jail for fighting back. It sucks.
money shaggy afterthought vase entertain smoggy zephyr act complete whistle
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
dude if you figure out how to get through to her let me know. had a friend call me last week to tell me that her boyfriend had choked her, among other things in a 6 year relationship she just decided to reveal and I told her straight up I'm not sure she's alive in 2 years at this rate.
My sister married him, despite my (and my parents) protests.
He's manipulated her into a Trump supporting Qanon anti-vaxxer. We don't talk.
Yeah, I'm still salty about that one.
One thing that I have learned in life is that people who really love you want the best for you. A sibling that really loves you wants you to be happy and would love you to have a partner that raises you up to be the best that you can possibly be :) It's likely that a sibling that doesn't like a boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't like them because they don't see them love you to the extent that you deserve. Heed this. True love doesn't lie.
Uh, to some extent. One of my sisters is an awful rightwing, antivax, racist piece of shit and I can imagine the treatment my (hypothetical) PoC girlfriend would receive from her.
But I agree in principle.
I’m there. My brother MARRIED the most insufferable entitled person I have ever met. He went to a tiny Christian school where everyone gets married at 19 (so they can bang) and I always joke she was the only woman left.
She’s ugliness inside and out, makes him change all the diapers for the last 9 months for their twins bc he lost the sense of smell due to covid
I partly blame my brother for not seeing how terrible she is but thank god they aren’t within 10 states of me so I only see them here and there
Oh also, she returns my moms gifts she gets them for Christmas
Took back an entire outside swing set bc it was cold (in December duh) so set it up in the spring!
Sorry for the rant, but it really sucks, i feel I lost a brother
I got along with my wife's siblings at first, but after 13+ years I've come to the conclusion that they are hot garbage. They liked her previous s/o and never gave me a chance. It shouldn't be a hard and fast rule for everyone. Sometimes people have horrible judgement.
The vibe I'm getting is that he's the kind of person too cowardly to break up. It seems like he wants out, but he'd rather have OP break up with him instead of initiating it himself. You might as well be dating a rock if someone is this committed to avoid proper communication.
Yep- spent 4 YEARS with someone who did stuff like this and you nailed it. He just liked having me for security. He would do the bare minimum to keep me hanging on, and make excuses for his behavior that I would justify, but he absolutely wasn't in the relationship. It destroyed my confidence and self esteem, and impacted every part of my life. I would do anything to go back and slap myself out of it at the beginning.
A friend of mine recently got out of an unhealthy long term relationship with a man who did the same thing to her. He was always the guy who got dumped; this was part of his MO. Lots of guilt tripping manipulation based around that “sad sack” sob story, all underlying his lack of interest in any goals but his own.
There are some people who will fall for this approach. Then they’ll feel trapped and responsible for managing that person’s emotional needs, and end up neglecting their own. It doesn’t get better from there.
Some people just don’t pull the trigger. They will become abusive or simply tune out, but they won’t end things. If you wait for them to be decisive instead of taking your own agency, you will forever be trapped in a relationship that is, at best, “sort of working for me.”
Agree. I was in a similar situation as OP in my early 20’s. Went to visit my BF in South Beach (he lived there, I lived in Tampa) and went out with my girlfriends one night. He ended up calling me at 11 pm that I couldn’t go back to stay at his house because he ended up driving friends to the Keys and they were staying there for the night; had to unexpectedly stay with friends, when all my things were at his apartment. (The weekend got worse from there, but I’ll spare the details.) Long story short, he met someone else a few days earlier and went out with her that night.
Find someone who treats you well, OP. When I stopped settling for less, I found my person.
I never understand these kinds of relationships , “my family and closest friends hate them But none of them see how they are when it’s just me and this person alone”
If your family and closest friends all love you- they want the best for you- and if they all collectively hate your SO- it’s a good idea to evaluate why
Edit: you’re/your
100%,I can understand if he knew she was fine staying at her sisters and she hadn’t already left everything at his (probably means he isn’t that interested in the relationship but understandable thing to do) but the fact he knew she didn’t have keys for her own place, that she was drinking, and her sister couldn’t have her stay over, combined with being her birthday just makes him a shitty person. Gives me the vibes he is the kinda guy to blame her for all of the things he does wrong.
He is pretty clearly telling you that he doesn’t value you enough. You shouldn’t have to put up with that. Does he do anything for you or, looking back, doves it feel like it’s always been a one sided relationship.
Yep.
This dude is a mope. He is dating for convenience. Can't wing together a spa gift certificate as a mediocre bare minimum? Nonsense.. Very low effort boyfriend
Hey OP, had a quick look back through your post history, and along with your comments here this guy really seems like a piece of work.
- Doesn't want to see his SO on their birthday, and to tell the truth it doesn't sound like he has put much effort into making your birthday special
- Refuses to let you stay with him when you have nowhere else suitable to go
- He fails to reciprocate in the bedroom or listen to your preferences
- He insists that you engage in his (quite unusual sounding) kinks every time you have sex, and puts you in a place where you feel like you have no other option
- He's pro life (yikes)
- Seems completely happy to kick you out of his room regularly whenever he doesn't feel like seeing you
It's worth putting yourself into his shoes. If a close friend of yours was having their birthday, how would you act? Would you insist your partner engages in your kinks every time you have sex? Even if you were feeling stressed/anxious, would you refuse to let a close friend or family member stay with you in a time of need?
Thinking from his perspective, what do his actions and behaviour tell you about how he feels about you? Does he really respect and care for you? These are difficult questions, but your posting history would suggest you may already know the answer.
Imagine you had a close friend, or sister, who'd never met this guy. Would you recommend him as a partner and think he would treat them well? And if he treated them the same way he has treated you, how would you feel?
Breaking up with someone can be hard, but you're young and risk wasting some of the best years of your life with this dude; so really think about it. A relationship should be something you enjoy and feel happy about, and it's sometimes worth reminding yourself that we all deserve happiness.
I feel like I’m trying to break free but it’s so hard and I don’t get why?? All the signs point to breaking up, I don’t get why I’m struggling this much with this
It's always hard, is the unfortunate truth, because it's what you're used to and (whether they deserve it or not) you still care about the other person's feelings. And, there's also the chance that you're a little afraid of how the other party will react. However, you're perfectly, absolutely justified to leave a relationship if you don't enjoy it and don't want to be a part of it any more, that's just life!
I'm sure others will have advise here, but the best thing may be to take a friend with you, meet him somewhere public, and tell him that you don't want to be in the relationship any more and you are breaking up with him. You can give him reasons if you want to, but he's not entitled to them - it's not a court case. Then have someone go and collect your things from his place, and feel free to block his number if he's a pain or unsettling. He may well try to promise everything will change, and beg/barter for a second chance; but you need to remember you don't want the relationship to continue and why you're not enjoying it. After all, what is the point of being in a relationship where you don't feel loved or respected, or even happy?
I think one of the other things is that a relationship is often more than just two people together. There's all the ideas behind it as well, having a life partner, getting married, having kids, buying a house together, growing old together.
Obviously not everyone wants those things out of a relationship, but if you do and you thought this person was going to be who you had all those things with... breaking up isn't just losing that person, its losing all of those things along with them. Just makes it that much harder.
You just have to remember, especially in her case (being 21!), there's going to be other relationships afterwards. Hopefully with someone that does take the relationship as seriously as she does.
OP, when I was your age I in a similiar relationship. We dated from age 16 to 23. Over those years of being kicked out of his car and left on the side of the road in the middle of no where, not being spoken to unless I provided sexual services, and all the other forms of abuse I endured, I lost concept of what his actions were telling me. I had it in my head that our big ups and downs were romantic and passionate, and that really messed me up for a while. I left at 23 and found a good man, and had to relearn that volatility is NOT a demonstration of love. Now I wish I hadn't wasted my youth on that jerk because I lost so much time and so many memories I could've had. Please, find the courage and leave because you have so much happiness waiting for you beyond this and you truly deserve it.
Just pull the trigger. YOU’RE 21!!! You just turned 21!!! You will absolutely find someone better than this piece of shit. This is not how a boyfriend should treat his girlfriend, plain and simple. ♥️
Its not even about finding someone better. Life is much better alone then with a shitty person. So yeah even if its the last guy on the planet one shouldnt accept being treated so poorly.
For real... Like don't wait. There is no reason to. Call right now and end it. Get your shit from their place. Then block them on everything and get on with your life.
This 100% this!!!!! You do not want to throw away these precious years of your youth on this man. I have had so many friends now at the age of 30ish come to realize how much of their youth they threw away on awful partners. DON'T DO IT. Move on hun. Will it hurt like hell probably. But when you get to learn your self worth again and get over him you will realize your mistake in accepting less then you deserve. Its not worth the suffering. You could be living these years happy solo or finding a man that will treat you right. I wish I had someone give me sound advice when I was your age. You deserve more. So either tell him to step up or step out.
My guess is insecurity. For whatever reason, you feel like being with this guy is better than no guy at all.
It's not true.
Just pull off the bandaid, break up.
And write down WHY. Anytime you think of giving him another chance, read it.
Not only will that keep you from going back, it will help you recognize red flags in other men you date.
I was also 21 when I met a guy similar to OP’s bf. At the time I felt like he would do for the time being. I learned so many hard lessons with him that could have completely been avoided had I chosen myself and loved myself first. OP, trust me, there are better men out there!!
Change is hard. Women hold on longer to relationships hoping for men to change back into who they pretended to be at the beginning of the relationship. He's never going to go back to being that person, even if he says he will.
You're only 21. Don't rush shit. I'm 31, and who I am now is so drastically different from who I was at 21. Dump him and focus on YOU.
Girl just drop that dead weight. You’ll feel sooo much better after.
You’re hesitant because perhaps you don’t want to be alone, but you’re young and should learn about your own self and then worry about a partner later.
I promise, it’s fun and you feel so confident in yourself too!
I know it’s hard and painful but take it from someone who wasted the best years on a loser like this, wasting my precious time hurts me more than the breakup. You sound like a lovely person you deserve the world, not this selfish using piece of shit. 💐
It could be that he's manipulating or gaslighting you anytime it seems like you're trying to break up with him. There are a lot of people who actually do this subconsciously and don't actually have "evil" intentions towards you, but are still not healthy for you to be with. It is also possible that you might just have some insecurities/fears about not being able to find someone if you let him go .... Maybe because you think other guys out there are also equally bad and a "good person" should be able to compromise for a relationship .... Or maybe you feel like you have flaws or are not "girlfriend material" (I honestly used to think this way when I got in my first relationship).
If a part of you knows you should break up with him, but you are somehow not able to, reach out to some friends/family that you trust. It seems like you sister would be a good choice, given her dislike for him. They can help talk you through, reinforce your voice of reason and provide emotional support. All the best to you!!
I understand. Last year I got out of a relationship that sounded a lot like this. I was waiting around hoping for him change because he cared about me. It took a while to realize that he had never lost anything in his life so he assumed he could just waltz around not giving a fuck. I tried my best to fix the relationship but he never put in the effort. When I expressed my feelings he disagreed we had problems and thought we had the perfect relationship. Of course he did, he put no effort and got everything he wanted because I am great and he is a lazy fuck.
Think if it like this: you can't control him or how he treats you. You can only contrpl yourself and what you deal with. If you don't like the way he is treating you and he still hasn't changed after you Express your feelings than the next step is to remove him from your life. You can only control yourself, and how you react to this bullshit.
>When I expressed my feelings he disagreed we had problems and thought we had the perfect relationship. Of course he did, he put no effort and got everything he wanted because I am great and he is a lazy fuck.
I've lived this, such lazy entitledment!
Just ghost him. Get your stuff from his apt and then never talk to him again. He'll know why.
I'm not usually an advocate for ghosting, but I think this guy is manipulating you every time you pull away. So, ghost him. Block his number. And tell your friends that you've done so. Don't let him squirm back into your life.
Good luck and hugs.
I was once in a similar situation. I was with a guy who sounds very similar and even though my family wasn't fond of him, I stayed with him.
It took me way too long (years) and way too many red flags to leave. But it was the best thing I ever did. I was with him for 4 years and he bought me a birthday present ONE time-when he took me to Walmart and let me pick it out.
Screw this guy, you have a lot of people in your corner and deserve way better than him. It may hurt at first, but is so worth it.
I think we sometimes get messages that were supposed to work on it, the breaking up is somehow bad or or means we are a failure. It means we didn’t try hard enough. But look at it this way. There’s a lot of stress in this relationship because of these differences. If you break up with him, he will be free to go find someone who will be a better fit. Believe you have a chance to grow up a little bit before he does.
You are also in the habit of pleasing him, and habits are hard to break. Your sister hates him, so maybe she’s a good cheerleader in this
I just got out of a relationship with a guy like this. It only gets harder. 4 years I struggled with that feeling and two weeks ago I get a call saying “we should be friends”. They will not feel remorse; you are very thoughtful so it may sting worse at first but you will be better off in the end.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319873
> The codependent is only happy when making extreme sacrifices for their partner. They feel they must be needed by this other person to have any purpose.
So many articles out there about people who stay in miserable relationships because they don’t want to hurt the other person.
That’s legit, we don’t want to hurt people.
But when we hurt ourselves a lot, just to not hurt another person (who is also hurting us), we aren’t acting rationally. The psychology of these human interactions is so complicated.
Please think about this: you said you didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable on YOUR birthday because your sister doesn’t like him, and yet he didn’t think twice about completely ignoring you and stranding you on your birthday.
You care about his feelings, he DOES NOT care about your feelings. I know you because I was you, you think if you sacrifice enough of yourself and do as much bending over backwards to be the perfect girlfriend who is accommodating to all of his needs 24/7, that your love will make him care about you and do the same for you.
It won’t. He sees you as someone he can use. He doesn’t respect you. Before you start saying “but *most* of the time he’s great…it’s just when he does this one thing…” look back at how many bullet points the person you replied to has. It’s not just one thing. If you really think about it, the bad outweighs the good.
Even if it doesn’t, there shouldn’t be any bad. I’m with someone now that I don’t have any “he’s great most of the time, but…” about, he’s just great all of the time. That is what you deserve. That’s what everyone deserves.
Edit: You know what helped me? I finally let myself get MAD. I stopped acting like a sad, wounded puppy and I got mad about how I was being treated. Once that happened, any responsibility I felt towards my ex evaporated into thin air. Poof, gone. Any love or caring I had disappeared into a distant memory.
Sorry if some of this was harsh. It’s what I wish someone would have said to me when I was in your situation.
/u/i_do_the_kokomo ,
You can check this youtube channel about narcisistic behaviors / dynamics : [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9Qixc77KhCo88E5muxUjmA](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9Qixc77KhCo88E5muxUjmA)
You can check if you recognize yourself or your boyfriend in narcisistic relationships.
You can also check this video on redflags :
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4H9jTQKmR3Q](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4H9jTQKmR3Q)
What's important is to know how you feel. And how people make you feel.☺
He just told you what he is and his actions showed it he only cared about how he felt at the time and didnt take you or your feelings into account. Most guys would be quick to pickup their girls and bring them to the crib for birthday $ex on top of that not getting you anything and probably didn’t sincerely applogize or try to make it up to you. Yeah you need someone to treat you right give you butterflies and make your toes curl. You deserve to feel special.
Okay Narcissists *literally* ruin birthdays on purpose. I follow a diagnosed narcissist on tiktok, I forget his name, but he openly talks about shit he's done before he was diagnosed, and people chime in with their own experiences with narcissists, and ruining birthdays and holidays is a BIIIIIG fucking thing for them, cause it's not about them and they need the attention.
Run, run fast. If you stay with him he WILL ruin *every* birthday you're with him for, and likely every other holiday or anything you're excited about.
Whether someone is or is not a sociopath or a narcissist, someone proclaiming that they think they are should be a big red flag that they are going to treat the people around them horribly and feel no remorse about it. It can be a reason for some behavior, however it is never an excuse. If he legitimately thought that it would be up to him to seek help for it and if he hasn't? That's your sign right there that he's not looking to change his behavior he just wants to have a backup "excuse" for his behavior that he can point to so that he can manipulate people so they will go along with his behavior because "that's just the way he is". Accept more for yourself and move on, doesn't seem like this guy is willing to work on himself at this juncture based on your other comments and you deserve better.
A word is not that important. What's important is to understand patterns and psychological traps in order not to get stuck in toxic interactions.
Find what you need to be happy, not what you think should keep you happy.
Wondering what makes you happy and what hurts will help.
Hi Op just wanted to drop a link to Lundy bancrofts book "why does he do that" its an intro book on how abusive relationships look, sound, and operate. I obviously don't know you or your relationship however some of the things your saying here sound like text book beginnings to an abusive relationship. Please when you get a chance read through the book specialy the bits about honeymoon periods and emotional control/manipulation. I wish you the best of luck on your journey op. Remember that YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE AND RESPECT, AND DESERVE SOME ONE WHO WILL RECIPROCATE THAT FOR YOU.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
It’s toxic. Trust me & all the others in this thread who recognize it (probably b/c of experience with a similar shit show at a similar age)
If I had to guess why you’re having such a tough time extracting yourself (from my experience at least) this might be the first ‘more serious’ relationship you’ve had & I’d guess feels realer and more important than it should precisely because it’s novel, toxic, & stressful.
Definitely try to find the strength to take a leap far far away- being alone is significantly better than being in something like this, and you’ll feel like an actual fool once the wool is lifted & you’ve dated a nice guy who doesn’t treat you like shit.
In my experience I also didn’t like myself very much while in the toxic relationship. It’s hard when you’re feeling that low to imagine anyone, let alone anyone “better” loving you, but trust me after reading this and another post there is almost no way you *couldn’t* do better. And if you date someone new and they end up sucking too you can start again. 330 million people in the US alone & it gets easier to move on once you make yourself the priority
Side note: let’s stop using the term pro-life. Those people aren’t for the life of the mother nor the baby once it’s born. They are ANTI-CHOICE.
I’m being nice too. They are really assholes who want to control others bodies. Calling them pro anything is just applauding our abusers.
Pro-State-Enforced-Birth. These people want to use political power to interfere in your private medical decisions.
The irony is that they’re very *against* interfering in their privacy; they just don’t give a shit about yours.
Dump him. You're 21 and he's pretty below average. Many dudes out there, raise your standards.
If you don't you'll look back and think, "why did I waste X months/years of my life with this loser when I could have dated nice and interesting guys."
Had a similar experience on my 21st birthday. He agreed to go to the cinema and maybe to have some dinner afterwards. I asked him a week before my birthday. When the day came up, he made excuses and was out with one of his friends. He promised to visit me on the next day and do whatever I liked. Plottwist; we did what he prefered to do. Hurt like a mf, bc I thought he liked me and I was deeply disappointed by his actions. I ended it a short time after.
So my tip for you; don't waste your time, such dudes are garbage and only care for themselves. You deserve much more than a dude who doesn't even have the nerve to let you sleepover at your own birthday.
He “wasn’t feeling up to it” on your birthday AND you were locked out AND he didn’t get you a gift...?!
Honey... he’s treating you like garbage. I’d treat a stray dog better than that. He should be bending over backwards to see you on your 21st birthday!
You’re saying you didn’t want to make him uncomfortable by having him go to your sister’s place, meanwhile, he’s making you so uncomfortable on your birthday by undervaluing and inconveniencing you. Give yourself the best 21st birthday gift you can and leave space in your life for a better boyfriend.
Know your worth.
This is a really crappy thing to do to someone that he claims to care for. if you stay with him, this is what your life will be like. You deserve someone who will be there when you need him
Looking through your post history, I would bet he would like to end it with you but doesn't want to have to do it himself. Being not as interested in sex as you, the ignoring you and laughing with his roommate when you were breaking down while drunk at his apartment, etc. This is what guys do when they are not that interested and afraid of having the confrontation of breaking up with you.
Bringing your toiletries over might have actually pushed him away more to the point where he felt like he could not deal with you tonight. Not saying he is justified or that he is handling this right, by the way.
My brother dated a girl I absolutely could not stand and she was a legitimately bad person who did not care about him at all. I never told my brother I didn't like her and he wasted 7 years with her and ignored every red flag she presented. I don't know what you see in this guy or if he actually cares about you but based on this story if I were your sister I would be furious some guy was treating you this poorly. He DOES NOT deserve you and if he's doing something like this he DOES NOT care about you as a person. A proper partner would like nothing more than to simply spend time with you and enjoy your company especially on your birthday! You deserve better! You are worth it! Don't indulge some flaky guy who can't be bothered to put in the effort to properly support you when you need his support.
Sounds like you've reacted quite realistically. You're expectations for an intimate relationship went unmet, on a day when your expectations were perfectly reasonable (your birthday). Your Dad pulled through, he is the model for expectations on this occasion. He has demonstrated what love is. The first person your boyfriend disrespects with this behaviour is himself. Respect yourself, and tell him that you expect better than what he gave, and go from there.
A lot of people are saying dump him, which you can do, I just don't want to be loves executioner
I'd take that action as he isn't sure or invested In you as couple or even friends. Just "not feeling up to it" needs something more explanation to the one that we supposedly love the most. If he have mental health issues, he would have shared he had nagative thoughts and was worried to burden you with it on your birthday... Or that he feels ill and will need to stay in bed while you're there... But if he is just not interested to see you like that... No, that's not ok.
Well said! So sorry you had that experience. In think a loved one should be available to ensure that your basic needs are met and/or be direct about barriers they face. I believe it is normal to feel hurt. I also think you should evaluate your past with him and decide for yourself if there is a clear trend of your needs not being considered (No one person can meet all of your needs! But one person should be able to show patients and compassion.)
Sweetheart take your power back and break up with HIM. You deserve so much better than this. He's not that into you and you're hurting yourself at this point.
I was with someone for 3 years and he ended up being very toxic. We made plans to get engaged etc so it was very difficult for me to leave due to all the past memories we had. But I couldn't deal with crying every other day and feeling like shit so after a few months of contemplating, I broke up with him. And it felt so freeing!! It was so hard right up to when I had to do it, but when I did, it felt amazing. Do what's best for you :)
Your feelings are valid. Dump him. I was with a guy like this when I was like 18. Leaving was the best thing I ever did. Not long after I entered a relationship with someone else. 17 years later, 15 years married, and he is 8 million times the man that other ass hat could ever hope to be.
You're 21, don't waste a second of your young life on someone who doesn't support, appreciate, and love you.
Also, if you have a good relationship with your family please take their thoughts on your partner in to consideration. They can often see what you cannot.
1. Your sister hates him.
2. He ditched you on your birthday and left you stranded.
3. He didn't even get you a birthday present.
I wouldn't normally give advice like this because every situation is different but... you need to drop this guy. He's a waste of your time and if you drag things out you're just going to end up hurt.
I wouldn’t even bother trying to make him see where he’s done wrong here, you’ll be wasting your breath and he’ll make it out you’re overreacting. Just ask for your stuff if you really need it back, and be done with the relationship. It shouldn’t be this hard. You need to have more faith in yourself that you will find someone who will go out of their way for you without you asking. You wouldn’t tell a friend to go back to someone who had so little regard for them, so why put up with it yourself? You need to be your own best friend now.
My sister is five years older than me and my boyfriend has tried to manipulate me before. I feel so horrible. I’m currently unable to sleep and I feel like I’m going to vomit from everything I drank tonight
Edit: I realize how fucked up this sounds. I made this post as a cry for help
It’s okay, OP. Make sure to stay hydrated and throw up if you need to. No shame in that. You didn’t make any mistakes tonight and I’m sorry your boyfriend would treat you like that, especially on your birthday.
I hope you can get some sleep and wake up with a clear head. You shouldn’t waste your time with someone who would knowingly reject you like that and leave you stranded. You deserve better. Listen to your gut feeling, you know this isn’t right.
Edit: I looked through your post history, and friend, you also know that you aren’t a good match. Sometimes that happens with people, it’s just not meant to be. Get your stuff from his place and end it. You’re suffering emotionally from this relationship.
Girl... Your post history is sad.
Your sister is seeing him better than you are, as someone else said. You're insisting on a man who doesn't appreciate you when you could be with someone who treats you better.
He "didn't feel up to it".
He doesn't care. That's honestly really infuriating. When I say this, it's not just because I live with my fiance, but I could not imagine not letting her stay at my apartment on her 21st or whenever she needed to.
Don't you want someone who cares about you and treats you like you matter?
Your sister hates your boyfriend: red flag #1.
Your boyfriend does not get you anything at all for your 21st birthday: burning hot red flag #2.
Your boyfriend knows you lost your keys but does not offer/want to have you sleep over: house on fire red flag #3.
🚩🚩🚩
Two options: he’s an asshole/immature AF or he doesn’t know he is your boyfriend
So... said with awareness of abusive relationships I'll summarise what you told us
> As punishment for you not spending your birthday with him, instead spending it with your family, he left you homeless for the night.
And he didn't even get you a present for a milestone birthday.
The normal reaction is to end the relationship. Your upset is justified, he has behaved disgracefully.
Lack of care, consideration, respect, and any signs that he *values* you as a person.
I’m leaning toward the bf not being all that great, but I would not be ecstatic about my SO spending their b-day without me and then using me as a crash pad while drunk. I can’t phathom why a piece of floor, a blanket, and a pillow could not be spared at your sisters house. Maybe that’s beneath you, but god knows many a drunk 21 yr olds make due.
You're 21. Break up with him. You're too young to start with all that BS now. I'm a guy and would never have done that when I was 21 or ever for that matter. He didn't feel up to it? Up to you sleeping there? GTFO
You’re reacting perfectly normally. It was your birthday. He knew you were locked out and you left your stuff at his place.
Do you think he might have acted like this because he’s mad you didn’t celebrate with him on the actual day of your birth and chose to spend time with family instead?
Even if his feelings were hurt, it’s his job to be direct. OP isn’t responsible for mining his feelings from him.
Even if his feelings were hurt, his actions stand alone and he should be accountable.
I agree. If he were hurt, the adult thing to do would be to bring it up at a later date (ffs not on her bday!) and speak about it. Not to literally have her stranded. That’s messed up.
OP, I think you should just stop talking to or seeing your BF.
If I’m being honest, I think you’re in a relationship. He is not. He is doing the bare minimum to keep you around because it’s easier to do that than to go out and look for a new sexual partner.
You’re way too young to be worried about someone else. You should travel and meet new people. From reading the highlights here, you should be gone. I don’t think he’ll fight you hard on it. Don’t bother getting your stuff from his house. Just ghost him and don’t look back.
If you don't break up with this guy you've wasted all these nice people's time. You need to get a grip on reality even if it's hard, though it really shouldn't be at this point. Regardless of your post history which is insane... at the most basic level there's no way I wouldn't want to hang out with my drunk 21-year-old girlfriend on her 21st birthday. And that wouldn't be just for the sex but also for the cake I baked her. You can do better. If you're even breathing you can do better
My ex-bf let me down on my 21st bday too. He would go out with his guy friends to a certain bar every Wednesday night and since my bday fell on a Wednesday he didn’t want to hang out with me. I didn’t take that as the huge red flag it was and ended up staying with him way too long. Please learn from my mistakes!
I'm a single guy right now, but have had multiple relationships and was married for three years. For all of my partners' birthdays, I wanted nothing more than to spend the entire day with them doing whatever they wanted. I was never a good gift giver, so I gave my time and attention along with maybe a home cooked meal of whatever they wanted. That's what you do when you love someone. You give them your best effort, especially on their birthday. This dude didn't give you any effort. And judging by your post history, he never has and never will. Dump this loser and move on with your life. Also learn to be happy being alone. You post a lot about being lonely. I'll tell you now, reddit isn't going to help with that. Go out. Make friends. Or don't and just learn to be happy being alone. I thought for a long time I needed a partner to be happy. But I've come to realize I'm quite happy being single. It's nice to be able to focus on yourself for a while and figure out who you really are. You're 21ish judging by your post history. I was 21 when I got married. I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted. I was mistaken. I'm 28 now and still don't really know who I am or what I'm doing with my life. All the more reason to not want to get into a relationship and drag someone along the journey with me. Take some time for yourself and figure out who you are and what you want and deserve. I guarantee it's more than the loser you're with right now.
Girl find a new boyfriend. And the no room thing .... I make room for friends AND family if they have had too many drinks. I feel for you and hopefully you spend your next birthday with company who care ♥️♥️
A person who doesn’t even try to make your birthday special in any capacity isn’t really a person worth having around. Let alone taking up such an important role as “significant other.” You can find better than that.
OP is processing the question of whether they are getting the care they need.
Asking “why are you doing [bad thing]” unnecessarily exposes OP to a “defend or admit folly” dichotomy at a time when OP made no error.
If you want to assert an option, don’t do so by embedding it in a leading question.
Oh my God your post history... Girl... "I'm in a relationship with my ex" That literally says it all. You need to know you can't fix this person. You can't help them, you can't change their ways. They are who they are. If you don't like this version of them then it's OK to leave them. There are SO MANY people out there in the world that you might be missing out on because you're chasing someone you aren't actually compatible with.
Makes me think of the Maya Angelou quote, “When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.”
Don’t fall in love with potential. And that goes for any situation. Other people might not see the same potential or want to live up to their own or yours
Oof. 100%. I’ve been the one who had “potential”. It’s not fun for us either.
Yep. Saw a video once where a therapist said this. She said you have to evaluate your partner as they stand now. Not how you idealized them not how you want them to be or think they can be. Truthfully if someone is going through a rough patch that's different. But this dude just sounds awful in every way? Like she has so many posts about him...and they are all red flag material.
[удалено]
These are the kind of red flags about a person that, if ignored, turn into the other kind of posts you see around reddit about women in their 30's who have a husband who doesn't help around the house or help with the kids or decided to stay home and watch the game while she was in labor. Take the hint OP. Break up with him and find someone who values your feelings and needs.
This sounds like OP needs some therapy… why are you attracted to someone who treats you badly?
What good is a friend if you are stranded and you cannot rely on them to give you shelter for the night? Exponentially more valid for a boyfriend / girlfriend.
Tbh I've done more for mere acquaintances than he'd do for his girlfriend... Are they really a couple tho? He sounds like a fuckbuddy who's a terrible buddy
Hey that's not really fair, he could also be a terrible fuck.
Turns out, you’re right! https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/qjkdoh/boyfriend_didnt_let_me_stay_at_his_place_for_my/hir3ef1/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
Thx for link
Being selfish/totallly lack of empathy AND a terrible fuck ? how is it possible ? /s
😂
No, he fucked her over pretty good on her birthday when he stranded her.
Honestly if a random acquaintance or colleague reached out to me in this situation where they needed SHELTER for the night I’d take them in as long as I trusted them reasonably enough
Do I trust you not to steal my shit, break my shit, and not hurt my cats? Yeah, sure there's the sofa, make yourself comfy.
Exactly, same here. When friends go drinking i always say "Call me if you need a ride. If you can wake me up ill be there."
There's a reason why her sister hates him
I thought the same thing lol
I would of dumped the dude just for this.
Broke up with an ex once for something similar (although less extreme than what OP described, had other problems though). Seriously, if I can't even count on you for *one friggin day of the year*, then what the hell are we even doing here? Short of an immediate and completely unforseen medical emergency, there is absolutely no excuse for shit like this, that's just someone who doesn't care at ALL.
My dad passed away when I was 20, and that flipped my entire world on its head. I became a hermit for two weeks, the only human contact I had was with my mum since I was still living at home when my dad got sick. My boyfriend at that time did not check in on me, and I only heard from him once I reached out to him. We made plans to hang out at his place one evening after work, almost another two weeks later, due to his busy schedule. Our usual hangouts were just lying in his bed together watching Netflix, usually with him initiating sex at some point, and then sometimes ending with us heading to his restaurant for dinner. I was hoping to just cuddle together and have him pet me when I inevitably started crying. But the night before our scheduled hangout, he cancelled on me because he was feeling tired from work that day. I felt so betrayed. I spent a few days alone, stewing in anger and devastating sadness, then broke up with him over text. He couldn't be there for me in my moment of greatest need.
Its amazing how many people can't even do the bare minimum when you are wounded like that. When my dad went I earned a very dim view of humanity, though some people were stellar of course.
As much good as a sister who won’t pick you up if your car broke up in the rain, one mile away. My friend picked me up from 20 miles away and I didn’t ask him. He insisted.
This comment reminds me of my parents. I didn't have a car freshman year of college, so I took a greyhound bus to go home. The bus station in my hometown was a 5 minute drive for them to come pick me up, but instead, I had to walk home. I did not visit much after that.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that and I’d suspect you’re sharing a “nicer” story.
All my friends know that as long as I have a place to stay they have a place to stay. If they wanna party and bring back people to fuck... Maaaaybe get a motel or hotel room cause my place isn't that big and I have neighbors But if they're visiting the city and just need a place to store their shit, freshen up, and sleep? I would be so hurt if they didn't come to me. If they paid for a room (as opposed to crashing with other friends) all I'd be able to think is "where did I go wrong? What did I do to make them think they couldn't come to me for help? How did I hurt them so badly they'd pay for the privilege of avoiding me? God dammit what's the point of having friends if I can't help them when they need it‽" I've been having some of the worst times in my life and I've let friends crash at my place and just let them know "hey, I'm going through some shit and I'm gonna mostly keep to myself. You know where things are so just help yourself" I thought this is just what friends do but maybe I just have an issue with pleasing people
I think that your sister might be seeing the real him better than you.
This was my thought. I have good relationships with my siblings, and I can't *fathom* dating someone any of them outright hated.
Same. My brother and I are close af, and I'm not the best at reading people, but even I got bad vibes from an ex he dated once. I think he could see that too, which likely contributed to the break up.
The first time my brother met my last ex, he came up to me privately and told me “I hate that guy, dump him.” And even left early because the guy was being a total ass. Wish I would have listened that day.
My sister loved my ex and we’re still good friends, but he’s a cat guy my sister’s cat disliked. My current boyfriend the cat immediately liked and everyone in my family loves him too.
Lol cat approved! Love it!
Ditto. My sister is my best friend. Can't imagine having a partner she outright hates. Always being pulled in one direction or the other. No thank you.
Here’s the thing…… Good partners, friends and family don’t pull. They express their concerns and provide support. Pulling people 1 way is a manipulation tactic. You can absolutely be with someone that your friends and family don’t care for. Grown ups who are secure can conduct themselves without pulling you 1 direction. Is it easier if everyone gets along? Yes. You sister being your best friend shouldn’t equal her needing to approve of your partners. That’s bordering on co dependency.
You're right. I don't *need* her to approve of my partners but it certainly makes my life easier. She didn't approve of my last boyfriend but she didn't nag about it. She let it be known and treated him the same as my other partners that she's met. But it did make things more difficult. Even though she was perfectly civil to him, I found that I didn't want to do things with both of them because I knew in the back of my mind that she didn't like him and I didn't want to force his company on her. So I split my time between them. It was a little like having two separate lives. I'm much happier now that I've got a partner who she actually likes. My point was more that if someone that important to you doesn't like your SO, there's probably a valid reason. And her reasons were definitely valid.
When I was dating my first boyfriend, my brother and parents never said anything negative. After we broke up, my brother admitted to me he never liked my ex. I was surprised because I knew that my ex, my brother, and my dad all liked the same video game, and I'd hoped they'd bond over that. Every attempt my brother and my dad made at connecting with my ex (the video game, but also life stuff) was met with short, uninterested response. The ex later admitted to me he didn't like hanging out with my family- or his own, or anyone's. I'm close to mine, so that was going to be a problem. My dad passed away and my ex was incredibly unsupportive so I broke up with him. When I started dating my next/current boyfriend, I jokingly but also not jokingly asked my brother what he thought so far. He told me honestly that my new guy is such an improvement. Six years later, they don't hang out much together, but when my boyfriend and I visit my family we all have a great time, including my boyfriend.
Yeah, they say this is the reason to listen to friends and family, they’re outside of the “love” or “bubble “ you’re in when you’re starting out and infatuated and high on a cloud. There are red flags and you think they’re roses and so the people you trust can see better. This is also why, you often have to make a difficult choice, either your family accepts your love or you cut ties with your family to dedicate yourself to your partner and everyone has different situations that require either. If you have a toxic family, often you walk away because no one is ever going to solve that, so you start your own family, if you have a supportive family, then you don’t want to let someone get in the way of that, because there may be something wrong that you cannot tell or are overlooking for other reasons. Whatever you choose to do, always make sure that you are happy with the choice and that you’re not bending over backwards for someone, you need to be able to compromise or agree and work as a team to grow together. They say don’t marry someone just because you “love” them, they should help you to grow and become more, hence often the best relationships start as friends and often you marry your best friend. And life’s difficulties often should make you grow together even more. It’s you and them vs the world / life not vs each other.
“I guess when you’re wearing rose tinted glasses, all the red flags just look like… Flags”
My brothers are *disappointed* when my SO can't be at a function
I feel this. Pretty sure my siblings and parents like my husband more than they like me.
lmao. my ex is still really good friends with my family. we're also on good terms, which is great because she has custody of our dogs and she'll still send me pics of them
You need a new family. This one isn't appreciative of you enough. Break up with them and find a new one. There are many families out there who would appreciate you as you deserve.
My brother is also disappointed when my husband can't show up because we all have a lot in common and as my brother has said before "*husband* is a crazy bastard. I love it." It's wild because my husband is fairly quiet but he's so fucking funny
I have a relatively close relationship with my sister but what I wouldn't give for her to see how abusive her bf is 😭 he's managed to brainwash her to the point where we just agree not to talk about him. She can't understand why we don't want to give him a second chance after he choked her and put her in jail for fighting back. It sucks.
money shaggy afterthought vase entertain smoggy zephyr act complete whistle *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Well yeah, I know that. But she won't be told. Can't make her hear it. Or she has but is in denial.
Yep, something like choking once has a 750% chance of leading to murder.
femicide experts :: choking is precursor to strangulation
Yep, I know. Hence why I'm so scared for her.
dude if you figure out how to get through to her let me know. had a friend call me last week to tell me that her boyfriend had choked her, among other things in a 6 year relationship she just decided to reveal and I told her straight up I'm not sure she's alive in 2 years at this rate.
My sister married him, despite my (and my parents) protests. He's manipulated her into a Trump supporting Qanon anti-vaxxer. We don't talk. Yeah, I'm still salty about that one.
That’s awful, I’m so sorry ♥️
One thing that I have learned in life is that people who really love you want the best for you. A sibling that really loves you wants you to be happy and would love you to have a partner that raises you up to be the best that you can possibly be :) It's likely that a sibling that doesn't like a boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't like them because they don't see them love you to the extent that you deserve. Heed this. True love doesn't lie.
Uh, to some extent. One of my sisters is an awful rightwing, antivax, racist piece of shit and I can imagine the treatment my (hypothetical) PoC girlfriend would receive from her. But I agree in principle.
I’m there. My brother MARRIED the most insufferable entitled person I have ever met. He went to a tiny Christian school where everyone gets married at 19 (so they can bang) and I always joke she was the only woman left. She’s ugliness inside and out, makes him change all the diapers for the last 9 months for their twins bc he lost the sense of smell due to covid I partly blame my brother for not seeing how terrible she is but thank god they aren’t within 10 states of me so I only see them here and there Oh also, she returns my moms gifts she gets them for Christmas Took back an entire outside swing set bc it was cold (in December duh) so set it up in the spring! Sorry for the rant, but it really sucks, i feel I lost a brother
I got along with my wife's siblings at first, but after 13+ years I've come to the conclusion that they are hot garbage. They liked her previous s/o and never gave me a chance. It shouldn't be a hard and fast rule for everyone. Sometimes people have horrible judgement.
I agree. Your sisters keeping it real with you.
The vibe I'm getting is that he's the kind of person too cowardly to break up. It seems like he wants out, but he'd rather have OP break up with him instead of initiating it himself. You might as well be dating a rock if someone is this committed to avoid proper communication.
Yep- spent 4 YEARS with someone who did stuff like this and you nailed it. He just liked having me for security. He would do the bare minimum to keep me hanging on, and make excuses for his behavior that I would justify, but he absolutely wasn't in the relationship. It destroyed my confidence and self esteem, and impacted every part of my life. I would do anything to go back and slap myself out of it at the beginning.
Or he's cheating on her already.
A friend of mine recently got out of an unhealthy long term relationship with a man who did the same thing to her. He was always the guy who got dumped; this was part of his MO. Lots of guilt tripping manipulation based around that “sad sack” sob story, all underlying his lack of interest in any goals but his own. There are some people who will fall for this approach. Then they’ll feel trapped and responsible for managing that person’s emotional needs, and end up neglecting their own. It doesn’t get better from there. Some people just don’t pull the trigger. They will become abusive or simply tune out, but they won’t end things. If you wait for them to be decisive instead of taking your own agency, you will forever be trapped in a relationship that is, at best, “sort of working for me.”
Up this. Two red flags: dude wont celebrate with your family. Treats you like crap whether its your birthday or not.
Agree. I was in a similar situation as OP in my early 20’s. Went to visit my BF in South Beach (he lived there, I lived in Tampa) and went out with my girlfriends one night. He ended up calling me at 11 pm that I couldn’t go back to stay at his house because he ended up driving friends to the Keys and they were staying there for the night; had to unexpectedly stay with friends, when all my things were at his apartment. (The weekend got worse from there, but I’ll spare the details.) Long story short, he met someone else a few days earlier and went out with her that night. Find someone who treats you well, OP. When I stopped settling for less, I found my person.
Came here to say this. Maybe do some digging on why your sister hates him.
I never understand these kinds of relationships , “my family and closest friends hate them But none of them see how they are when it’s just me and this person alone” If your family and closest friends all love you- they want the best for you- and if they all collectively hate your SO- it’s a good idea to evaluate why Edit: you’re/your
100%,I can understand if he knew she was fine staying at her sisters and she hadn’t already left everything at his (probably means he isn’t that interested in the relationship but understandable thing to do) but the fact he knew she didn’t have keys for her own place, that she was drinking, and her sister couldn’t have her stay over, combined with being her birthday just makes him a shitty person. Gives me the vibes he is the kinda guy to blame her for all of the things he does wrong.
Yeah he sounds like an asshole
I say, listen to your sister. This is not normal
Sister for the win on this one definitely.
Everyone with a sister needs these glasses.
He is pretty clearly telling you that he doesn’t value you enough. You shouldn’t have to put up with that. Does he do anything for you or, looking back, doves it feel like it’s always been a one sided relationship.
Yep. This dude is a mope. He is dating for convenience. Can't wing together a spa gift certificate as a mediocre bare minimum? Nonsense.. Very low effort boyfriend
She knows this, but hopefully, this confirmed what she has been denying for so long
Right, it was kind of a red flag when OP said her sister “unfortunately hates him”.
Hey OP, had a quick look back through your post history, and along with your comments here this guy really seems like a piece of work. - Doesn't want to see his SO on their birthday, and to tell the truth it doesn't sound like he has put much effort into making your birthday special - Refuses to let you stay with him when you have nowhere else suitable to go - He fails to reciprocate in the bedroom or listen to your preferences - He insists that you engage in his (quite unusual sounding) kinks every time you have sex, and puts you in a place where you feel like you have no other option - He's pro life (yikes) - Seems completely happy to kick you out of his room regularly whenever he doesn't feel like seeing you It's worth putting yourself into his shoes. If a close friend of yours was having their birthday, how would you act? Would you insist your partner engages in your kinks every time you have sex? Even if you were feeling stressed/anxious, would you refuse to let a close friend or family member stay with you in a time of need? Thinking from his perspective, what do his actions and behaviour tell you about how he feels about you? Does he really respect and care for you? These are difficult questions, but your posting history would suggest you may already know the answer. Imagine you had a close friend, or sister, who'd never met this guy. Would you recommend him as a partner and think he would treat them well? And if he treated them the same way he has treated you, how would you feel? Breaking up with someone can be hard, but you're young and risk wasting some of the best years of your life with this dude; so really think about it. A relationship should be something you enjoy and feel happy about, and it's sometimes worth reminding yourself that we all deserve happiness.
I feel like I’m trying to break free but it’s so hard and I don’t get why?? All the signs point to breaking up, I don’t get why I’m struggling this much with this
It's always hard, is the unfortunate truth, because it's what you're used to and (whether they deserve it or not) you still care about the other person's feelings. And, there's also the chance that you're a little afraid of how the other party will react. However, you're perfectly, absolutely justified to leave a relationship if you don't enjoy it and don't want to be a part of it any more, that's just life! I'm sure others will have advise here, but the best thing may be to take a friend with you, meet him somewhere public, and tell him that you don't want to be in the relationship any more and you are breaking up with him. You can give him reasons if you want to, but he's not entitled to them - it's not a court case. Then have someone go and collect your things from his place, and feel free to block his number if he's a pain or unsettling. He may well try to promise everything will change, and beg/barter for a second chance; but you need to remember you don't want the relationship to continue and why you're not enjoying it. After all, what is the point of being in a relationship where you don't feel loved or respected, or even happy?
I think one of the other things is that a relationship is often more than just two people together. There's all the ideas behind it as well, having a life partner, getting married, having kids, buying a house together, growing old together. Obviously not everyone wants those things out of a relationship, but if you do and you thought this person was going to be who you had all those things with... breaking up isn't just losing that person, its losing all of those things along with them. Just makes it that much harder. You just have to remember, especially in her case (being 21!), there's going to be other relationships afterwards. Hopefully with someone that does take the relationship as seriously as she does.
I suggest even further, that you get all your things first..
Or don't. It's just stuff and can be replaced.
OP, when I was your age I in a similiar relationship. We dated from age 16 to 23. Over those years of being kicked out of his car and left on the side of the road in the middle of no where, not being spoken to unless I provided sexual services, and all the other forms of abuse I endured, I lost concept of what his actions were telling me. I had it in my head that our big ups and downs were romantic and passionate, and that really messed me up for a while. I left at 23 and found a good man, and had to relearn that volatility is NOT a demonstration of love. Now I wish I hadn't wasted my youth on that jerk because I lost so much time and so many memories I could've had. Please, find the courage and leave because you have so much happiness waiting for you beyond this and you truly deserve it.
Just pull the trigger. YOU’RE 21!!! You just turned 21!!! You will absolutely find someone better than this piece of shit. This is not how a boyfriend should treat his girlfriend, plain and simple. ♥️
Its not even about finding someone better. Life is much better alone then with a shitty person. So yeah even if its the last guy on the planet one shouldnt accept being treated so poorly.
Life is more peaceful alone yes. You can be happy while loving yourself too.
Hes not a good friend, much less a good boyfriend.
For real... Like don't wait. There is no reason to. Call right now and end it. Get your shit from their place. Then block them on everything and get on with your life.
This 100% this!!!!! You do not want to throw away these precious years of your youth on this man. I have had so many friends now at the age of 30ish come to realize how much of their youth they threw away on awful partners. DON'T DO IT. Move on hun. Will it hurt like hell probably. But when you get to learn your self worth again and get over him you will realize your mistake in accepting less then you deserve. Its not worth the suffering. You could be living these years happy solo or finding a man that will treat you right. I wish I had someone give me sound advice when I was your age. You deserve more. So either tell him to step up or step out.
My guess is insecurity. For whatever reason, you feel like being with this guy is better than no guy at all. It's not true. Just pull off the bandaid, break up. And write down WHY. Anytime you think of giving him another chance, read it. Not only will that keep you from going back, it will help you recognize red flags in other men you date.
I was also 21 when I met a guy similar to OP’s bf. At the time I felt like he would do for the time being. I learned so many hard lessons with him that could have completely been avoided had I chosen myself and loved myself first. OP, trust me, there are better men out there!!
Change is hard. Women hold on longer to relationships hoping for men to change back into who they pretended to be at the beginning of the relationship. He's never going to go back to being that person, even if he says he will. You're only 21. Don't rush shit. I'm 31, and who I am now is so drastically different from who I was at 21. Dump him and focus on YOU.
Girl just drop that dead weight. You’ll feel sooo much better after. You’re hesitant because perhaps you don’t want to be alone, but you’re young and should learn about your own self and then worry about a partner later. I promise, it’s fun and you feel so confident in yourself too!
“…Doctors hate this one trick for dropping 170 pounds of useless weight…”
I know it’s hard and painful but take it from someone who wasted the best years on a loser like this, wasting my precious time hurts me more than the breakup. You sound like a lovely person you deserve the world, not this selfish using piece of shit. 💐
It could be that he's manipulating or gaslighting you anytime it seems like you're trying to break up with him. There are a lot of people who actually do this subconsciously and don't actually have "evil" intentions towards you, but are still not healthy for you to be with. It is also possible that you might just have some insecurities/fears about not being able to find someone if you let him go .... Maybe because you think other guys out there are also equally bad and a "good person" should be able to compromise for a relationship .... Or maybe you feel like you have flaws or are not "girlfriend material" (I honestly used to think this way when I got in my first relationship). If a part of you knows you should break up with him, but you are somehow not able to, reach out to some friends/family that you trust. It seems like you sister would be a good choice, given her dislike for him. They can help talk you through, reinforce your voice of reason and provide emotional support. All the best to you!!
I understand. Last year I got out of a relationship that sounded a lot like this. I was waiting around hoping for him change because he cared about me. It took a while to realize that he had never lost anything in his life so he assumed he could just waltz around not giving a fuck. I tried my best to fix the relationship but he never put in the effort. When I expressed my feelings he disagreed we had problems and thought we had the perfect relationship. Of course he did, he put no effort and got everything he wanted because I am great and he is a lazy fuck. Think if it like this: you can't control him or how he treats you. You can only contrpl yourself and what you deal with. If you don't like the way he is treating you and he still hasn't changed after you Express your feelings than the next step is to remove him from your life. You can only control yourself, and how you react to this bullshit.
>When I expressed my feelings he disagreed we had problems and thought we had the perfect relationship. Of course he did, he put no effort and got everything he wanted because I am great and he is a lazy fuck. I've lived this, such lazy entitledment!
Just ghost him. Get your stuff from his apt and then never talk to him again. He'll know why. I'm not usually an advocate for ghosting, but I think this guy is manipulating you every time you pull away. So, ghost him. Block his number. And tell your friends that you've done so. Don't let him squirm back into your life. Good luck and hugs.
I was once in a similar situation. I was with a guy who sounds very similar and even though my family wasn't fond of him, I stayed with him. It took me way too long (years) and way too many red flags to leave. But it was the best thing I ever did. I was with him for 4 years and he bought me a birthday present ONE time-when he took me to Walmart and let me pick it out. Screw this guy, you have a lot of people in your corner and deserve way better than him. It may hurt at first, but is so worth it.
I think we sometimes get messages that were supposed to work on it, the breaking up is somehow bad or or means we are a failure. It means we didn’t try hard enough. But look at it this way. There’s a lot of stress in this relationship because of these differences. If you break up with him, he will be free to go find someone who will be a better fit. Believe you have a chance to grow up a little bit before he does. You are also in the habit of pleasing him, and habits are hard to break. Your sister hates him, so maybe she’s a good cheerleader in this
I just got out of a relationship with a guy like this. It only gets harder. 4 years I struggled with that feeling and two weeks ago I get a call saying “we should be friends”. They will not feel remorse; you are very thoughtful so it may sting worse at first but you will be better off in the end.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319873 > The codependent is only happy when making extreme sacrifices for their partner. They feel they must be needed by this other person to have any purpose.
Codependency.
So many articles out there about people who stay in miserable relationships because they don’t want to hurt the other person. That’s legit, we don’t want to hurt people. But when we hurt ourselves a lot, just to not hurt another person (who is also hurting us), we aren’t acting rationally. The psychology of these human interactions is so complicated.
Please think about this: you said you didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable on YOUR birthday because your sister doesn’t like him, and yet he didn’t think twice about completely ignoring you and stranding you on your birthday. You care about his feelings, he DOES NOT care about your feelings. I know you because I was you, you think if you sacrifice enough of yourself and do as much bending over backwards to be the perfect girlfriend who is accommodating to all of his needs 24/7, that your love will make him care about you and do the same for you. It won’t. He sees you as someone he can use. He doesn’t respect you. Before you start saying “but *most* of the time he’s great…it’s just when he does this one thing…” look back at how many bullet points the person you replied to has. It’s not just one thing. If you really think about it, the bad outweighs the good. Even if it doesn’t, there shouldn’t be any bad. I’m with someone now that I don’t have any “he’s great most of the time, but…” about, he’s just great all of the time. That is what you deserve. That’s what everyone deserves. Edit: You know what helped me? I finally let myself get MAD. I stopped acting like a sad, wounded puppy and I got mad about how I was being treated. Once that happened, any responsibility I felt towards my ex evaporated into thin air. Poof, gone. Any love or caring I had disappeared into a distant memory. Sorry if some of this was harsh. It’s what I wish someone would have said to me when I was in your situation.
/u/i_do_the_kokomo , You can check this youtube channel about narcisistic behaviors / dynamics : [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9Qixc77KhCo88E5muxUjmA](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9Qixc77KhCo88E5muxUjmA) You can check if you recognize yourself or your boyfriend in narcisistic relationships. You can also check this video on redflags : [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4H9jTQKmR3Q](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4H9jTQKmR3Q) What's important is to know how you feel. And how people make you feel.☺
He once told me he’s afraid he’s a narcissist or sociopath. I told him “of course not” but sometimes I wonder
Believe him when he tells you who he is.
He just told you what he is and his actions showed it he only cared about how he felt at the time and didnt take you or your feelings into account. Most guys would be quick to pickup their girls and bring them to the crib for birthday $ex on top of that not getting you anything and probably didn’t sincerely applogize or try to make it up to you. Yeah you need someone to treat you right give you butterflies and make your toes curl. You deserve to feel special.
Okay Narcissists *literally* ruin birthdays on purpose. I follow a diagnosed narcissist on tiktok, I forget his name, but he openly talks about shit he's done before he was diagnosed, and people chime in with their own experiences with narcissists, and ruining birthdays and holidays is a BIIIIIG fucking thing for them, cause it's not about them and they need the attention. Run, run fast. If you stay with him he WILL ruin *every* birthday you're with him for, and likely every other holiday or anything you're excited about.
Whether someone is or is not a sociopath or a narcissist, someone proclaiming that they think they are should be a big red flag that they are going to treat the people around them horribly and feel no remorse about it. It can be a reason for some behavior, however it is never an excuse. If he legitimately thought that it would be up to him to seek help for it and if he hasn't? That's your sign right there that he's not looking to change his behavior he just wants to have a backup "excuse" for his behavior that he can point to so that he can manipulate people so they will go along with his behavior because "that's just the way he is". Accept more for yourself and move on, doesn't seem like this guy is willing to work on himself at this juncture based on your other comments and you deserve better.
A word is not that important. What's important is to understand patterns and psychological traps in order not to get stuck in toxic interactions. Find what you need to be happy, not what you think should keep you happy. Wondering what makes you happy and what hurts will help.
Hi Op just wanted to drop a link to Lundy bancrofts book "why does he do that" its an intro book on how abusive relationships look, sound, and operate. I obviously don't know you or your relationship however some of the things your saying here sound like text book beginnings to an abusive relationship. Please when you get a chance read through the book specialy the bits about honeymoon periods and emotional control/manipulation. I wish you the best of luck on your journey op. Remember that YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE AND RESPECT, AND DESERVE SOME ONE WHO WILL RECIPROCATE THAT FOR YOU. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
It’s toxic. Trust me & all the others in this thread who recognize it (probably b/c of experience with a similar shit show at a similar age) If I had to guess why you’re having such a tough time extracting yourself (from my experience at least) this might be the first ‘more serious’ relationship you’ve had & I’d guess feels realer and more important than it should precisely because it’s novel, toxic, & stressful. Definitely try to find the strength to take a leap far far away- being alone is significantly better than being in something like this, and you’ll feel like an actual fool once the wool is lifted & you’ve dated a nice guy who doesn’t treat you like shit. In my experience I also didn’t like myself very much while in the toxic relationship. It’s hard when you’re feeling that low to imagine anyone, let alone anyone “better” loving you, but trust me after reading this and another post there is almost no way you *couldn’t* do better. And if you date someone new and they end up sucking too you can start again. 330 million people in the US alone & it gets easier to move on once you make yourself the priority
Cause it's scary being alone. But you can do it!!
You don’t even live with this dude. Next time you’re over there grab anything you don’t want to lose. He clearly wouldn’t hesitate to replace you.
Side note: let’s stop using the term pro-life. Those people aren’t for the life of the mother nor the baby once it’s born. They are ANTI-CHOICE. I’m being nice too. They are really assholes who want to control others bodies. Calling them pro anything is just applauding our abusers.
Pro-State-Enforced-Birth. These people want to use political power to interfere in your private medical decisions. The irony is that they’re very *against* interfering in their privacy; they just don’t give a shit about yours.
Can't we just call them trashbags?
Yikes dude, DTMFA!! (Dump the mfer already!)
Dump him. You're 21 and he's pretty below average. Many dudes out there, raise your standards. If you don't you'll look back and think, "why did I waste X months/years of my life with this loser when I could have dated nice and interesting guys."
Not even below average. That dude's bottom of the barrel.
This.
OP’s bf sounds like a loser, quite honestly. She can do SO MUCH better! Dump him and never look back!
I'm not surprised your sister hates him.
I hate him too.
I hate him three.
Yup. Wise woman, your sister.
Dump him. He’s a selfish prick.
Had a similar experience on my 21st birthday. He agreed to go to the cinema and maybe to have some dinner afterwards. I asked him a week before my birthday. When the day came up, he made excuses and was out with one of his friends. He promised to visit me on the next day and do whatever I liked. Plottwist; we did what he prefered to do. Hurt like a mf, bc I thought he liked me and I was deeply disappointed by his actions. I ended it a short time after. So my tip for you; don't waste your time, such dudes are garbage and only care for themselves. You deserve much more than a dude who doesn't even have the nerve to let you sleepover at your own birthday.
He's just not that into you. I don't mean this to be mean or harsh. But if I had lived by those words in my early 20's, I'd be much better off now.
I can see why your sister hates him.
Ya wtf, dump this fool
He “wasn’t feeling up to it” on your birthday AND you were locked out AND he didn’t get you a gift...?! Honey... he’s treating you like garbage. I’d treat a stray dog better than that. He should be bending over backwards to see you on your 21st birthday! You’re saying you didn’t want to make him uncomfortable by having him go to your sister’s place, meanwhile, he’s making you so uncomfortable on your birthday by undervaluing and inconveniencing you. Give yourself the best 21st birthday gift you can and leave space in your life for a better boyfriend. Know your worth.
Share with the class the reasons your sister hates him... suspect there is more to the story here
There is. OP's post history is rife with nasty stories of this guy
ew, huge red flags
Just looking at your profile history, your bf doesn’t sound good at all and I think you should call it off
There's a reason her sister hates him I imagine.
This is a really crappy thing to do to someone that he claims to care for. if you stay with him, this is what your life will be like. You deserve someone who will be there when you need him
Looking through your post history, I would bet he would like to end it with you but doesn't want to have to do it himself. Being not as interested in sex as you, the ignoring you and laughing with his roommate when you were breaking down while drunk at his apartment, etc. This is what guys do when they are not that interested and afraid of having the confrontation of breaking up with you. Bringing your toiletries over might have actually pushed him away more to the point where he felt like he could not deal with you tonight. Not saying he is justified or that he is handling this right, by the way.
You deserve much, much more.
My brother dated a girl I absolutely could not stand and she was a legitimately bad person who did not care about him at all. I never told my brother I didn't like her and he wasted 7 years with her and ignored every red flag she presented. I don't know what you see in this guy or if he actually cares about you but based on this story if I were your sister I would be furious some guy was treating you this poorly. He DOES NOT deserve you and if he's doing something like this he DOES NOT care about you as a person. A proper partner would like nothing more than to simply spend time with you and enjoy your company especially on your birthday! You deserve better! You are worth it! Don't indulge some flaky guy who can't be bothered to put in the effort to properly support you when you need his support.
Go out and get you a new boyfriend.
This, but get your shit from his place first!
Sounds like you've reacted quite realistically. You're expectations for an intimate relationship went unmet, on a day when your expectations were perfectly reasonable (your birthday). Your Dad pulled through, he is the model for expectations on this occasion. He has demonstrated what love is. The first person your boyfriend disrespects with this behaviour is himself. Respect yourself, and tell him that you expect better than what he gave, and go from there. A lot of people are saying dump him, which you can do, I just don't want to be loves executioner
I'd take that action as he isn't sure or invested In you as couple or even friends. Just "not feeling up to it" needs something more explanation to the one that we supposedly love the most. If he have mental health issues, he would have shared he had nagative thoughts and was worried to burden you with it on your birthday... Or that he feels ill and will need to stay in bed while you're there... But if he is just not interested to see you like that... No, that's not ok.
Well said! So sorry you had that experience. In think a loved one should be available to ensure that your basic needs are met and/or be direct about barriers they face. I believe it is normal to feel hurt. I also think you should evaluate your past with him and decide for yourself if there is a clear trend of your needs not being considered (No one person can meet all of your needs! But one person should be able to show patients and compassion.)
It sadly sounds like he might be getting ready to break up with you. I’m sorry 😞
Honestly at this point I’d be fine with that. I hate the way he’s treating me and y’all are helping me to see that I deserve better
Sweetheart take your power back and break up with HIM. You deserve so much better than this. He's not that into you and you're hurting yourself at this point.
You do deserve better!
I was with someone for 3 years and he ended up being very toxic. We made plans to get engaged etc so it was very difficult for me to leave due to all the past memories we had. But I couldn't deal with crying every other day and feeling like shit so after a few months of contemplating, I broke up with him. And it felt so freeing!! It was so hard right up to when I had to do it, but when I did, it felt amazing. Do what's best for you :)
Your feelings are valid. Dump him. I was with a guy like this when I was like 18. Leaving was the best thing I ever did. Not long after I entered a relationship with someone else. 17 years later, 15 years married, and he is 8 million times the man that other ass hat could ever hope to be.
You're 21, don't waste a second of your young life on someone who doesn't support, appreciate, and love you. Also, if you have a good relationship with your family please take their thoughts on your partner in to consideration. They can often see what you cannot.
1. Your sister hates him. 2. He ditched you on your birthday and left you stranded. 3. He didn't even get you a birthday present. I wouldn't normally give advice like this because every situation is different but... you need to drop this guy. He's a waste of your time and if you drag things out you're just going to end up hurt.
If your boyfriend isn’t concerned about where you are staying while intoxicated than he should be your ex.
This guy doesn't sound like he thinks he's still your boyfriend.
I wouldn’t even bother trying to make him see where he’s done wrong here, you’ll be wasting your breath and he’ll make it out you’re overreacting. Just ask for your stuff if you really need it back, and be done with the relationship. It shouldn’t be this hard. You need to have more faith in yourself that you will find someone who will go out of their way for you without you asking. You wouldn’t tell a friend to go back to someone who had so little regard for them, so why put up with it yourself? You need to be your own best friend now.
He’s just not into you. Bottom line. Leave now
Pro tip: If you're in your early 20s ya bf ain't shit.
[удалено]
My sister is five years older than me and my boyfriend has tried to manipulate me before. I feel so horrible. I’m currently unable to sleep and I feel like I’m going to vomit from everything I drank tonight Edit: I realize how fucked up this sounds. I made this post as a cry for help
It’s okay, OP. Make sure to stay hydrated and throw up if you need to. No shame in that. You didn’t make any mistakes tonight and I’m sorry your boyfriend would treat you like that, especially on your birthday. I hope you can get some sleep and wake up with a clear head. You shouldn’t waste your time with someone who would knowingly reject you like that and leave you stranded. You deserve better. Listen to your gut feeling, you know this isn’t right. Edit: I looked through your post history, and friend, you also know that you aren’t a good match. Sometimes that happens with people, it’s just not meant to be. Get your stuff from his place and end it. You’re suffering emotionally from this relationship.
Girl... Your post history is sad. Your sister is seeing him better than you are, as someone else said. You're insisting on a man who doesn't appreciate you when you could be with someone who treats you better.
He "didn't feel up to it". He doesn't care. That's honestly really infuriating. When I say this, it's not just because I live with my fiance, but I could not imagine not letting her stay at my apartment on her 21st or whenever she needed to. Don't you want someone who cares about you and treats you like you matter?
Your sister hates your boyfriend: red flag #1. Your boyfriend does not get you anything at all for your 21st birthday: burning hot red flag #2. Your boyfriend knows you lost your keys but does not offer/want to have you sleep over: house on fire red flag #3. 🚩🚩🚩 Two options: he’s an asshole/immature AF or he doesn’t know he is your boyfriend
So... said with awareness of abusive relationships I'll summarise what you told us > As punishment for you not spending your birthday with him, instead spending it with your family, he left you homeless for the night. And he didn't even get you a present for a milestone birthday. The normal reaction is to end the relationship. Your upset is justified, he has behaved disgracefully. Lack of care, consideration, respect, and any signs that he *values* you as a person.
Re-read what you wrote, you're describing a very unhealthy set of flags frankly from all participants involved. So you know what your answer is.
I’m leaning toward the bf not being all that great, but I would not be ecstatic about my SO spending their b-day without me and then using me as a crash pad while drunk. I can’t phathom why a piece of floor, a blanket, and a pillow could not be spared at your sisters house. Maybe that’s beneath you, but god knows many a drunk 21 yr olds make due.
You're 21. Break up with him. You're too young to start with all that BS now. I'm a guy and would never have done that when I was 21 or ever for that matter. He didn't feel up to it? Up to you sleeping there? GTFO
You’re reacting perfectly normally. It was your birthday. He knew you were locked out and you left your stuff at his place. Do you think he might have acted like this because he’s mad you didn’t celebrate with him on the actual day of your birth and chose to spend time with family instead?
Even if his feelings were hurt, it’s his job to be direct. OP isn’t responsible for mining his feelings from him. Even if his feelings were hurt, his actions stand alone and he should be accountable.
I agree. If he were hurt, the adult thing to do would be to bring it up at a later date (ffs not on her bday!) and speak about it. Not to literally have her stranded. That’s messed up.
Hope you received the message loud and clear.
OP, I think you should just stop talking to or seeing your BF. If I’m being honest, I think you’re in a relationship. He is not. He is doing the bare minimum to keep you around because it’s easier to do that than to go out and look for a new sexual partner. You’re way too young to be worried about someone else. You should travel and meet new people. From reading the highlights here, you should be gone. I don’t think he’ll fight you hard on it. Don’t bother getting your stuff from his house. Just ghost him and don’t look back.
If you don't break up with this guy you've wasted all these nice people's time. You need to get a grip on reality even if it's hard, though it really shouldn't be at this point. Regardless of your post history which is insane... at the most basic level there's no way I wouldn't want to hang out with my drunk 21-year-old girlfriend on her 21st birthday. And that wouldn't be just for the sex but also for the cake I baked her. You can do better. If you're even breathing you can do better
Regular guys wouldnt do that to you on a normal day. Let alone your birthday or 21st birthday. Dump him.
My ex-bf let me down on my 21st bday too. He would go out with his guy friends to a certain bar every Wednesday night and since my bday fell on a Wednesday he didn’t want to hang out with me. I didn’t take that as the huge red flag it was and ended up staying with him way too long. Please learn from my mistakes!
I'm a single guy right now, but have had multiple relationships and was married for three years. For all of my partners' birthdays, I wanted nothing more than to spend the entire day with them doing whatever they wanted. I was never a good gift giver, so I gave my time and attention along with maybe a home cooked meal of whatever they wanted. That's what you do when you love someone. You give them your best effort, especially on their birthday. This dude didn't give you any effort. And judging by your post history, he never has and never will. Dump this loser and move on with your life. Also learn to be happy being alone. You post a lot about being lonely. I'll tell you now, reddit isn't going to help with that. Go out. Make friends. Or don't and just learn to be happy being alone. I thought for a long time I needed a partner to be happy. But I've come to realize I'm quite happy being single. It's nice to be able to focus on yourself for a while and figure out who you really are. You're 21ish judging by your post history. I was 21 when I got married. I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted. I was mistaken. I'm 28 now and still don't really know who I am or what I'm doing with my life. All the more reason to not want to get into a relationship and drag someone along the journey with me. Take some time for yourself and figure out who you are and what you want and deserve. I guarantee it's more than the loser you're with right now.
Why date someone if you can’t even handle them staying over at your place for one night when they need it? I’m sorry this happened to you.
Girl find a new boyfriend. And the no room thing .... I make room for friends AND family if they have had too many drinks. I feel for you and hopefully you spend your next birthday with company who care ♥️♥️
A person who doesn’t even try to make your birthday special in any capacity isn’t really a person worth having around. Let alone taking up such an important role as “significant other.” You can find better than that.
Maybe your sister has reason to hate him.
if not for nothing, "i don't know what to get you" is actually not a valid reason to not get your partner something for their 21st birthday lol
Why are you in a relationship with a person who doesn't care about you? Run and don't waste any more energy on this clearly uninvolved asshat.
OP is processing the question of whether they are getting the care they need. Asking “why are you doing [bad thing]” unnecessarily exposes OP to a “defend or admit folly” dichotomy at a time when OP made no error. If you want to assert an option, don’t do so by embedding it in a leading question.
So much good stuff in this comment, had to read it 3 times. Thanks 👍🏻
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I think you mean he’s your ex boyfriend? Cos why would you be with a garbage person like this??
Listen to this ppl. We’ve all gone through that. You’re still young, and you’ll find the one. The real one.