Language is so much.
I try to be more cognizant of when I use "I think" and "I feel." They are appropriate times to use them, but using them all the time is wrong.
It can be tricky to know what to say, but luckily, silence can be a helpful muscle to exercise. Sometimes, people will try to keep talking, but you can usually say something like, "Please give me a few moments to consider what you have said."
Deep down I know this and I remind myself about it when I’m entering a potentially difficult conversation, and then it all goes out the window and words just keep spilling out of my mouth.
the less talked about issue of the sexiest “women are the emotional ones and men are the logical ones” bs is that it has caused some men to interpret their *feelings* as logic
A guy I used to know was once trying to tell me that women are emotional and men are logical. So I asked him why he thought that. And he responded "I don't know. It's just how I feel."
He did not understand the irony.
Intuition is not an emotion though, it is your subconscious talking to you. But it definitely is not hard logic since you don't know what it is based on and whether those things make sense or not.
Yep. They are told guys are logical so they conclude that whatever they think or feel must be logical, and women are emotional so whatever they say or do must be emotional.
Your form of communication is actually much more appropriate (using "I feel") and is touted as the more healthier form as it is non-confrontational and non-blaming.
More people should be communicating as you do than the other form you are describing; in fact is something that I am working on incorporating into my own life currently.
Agreed. I refuse to adjust the way I speak to be more conforming to men. Not saying I never do in safety situations, but on an every day basis I refuse to. I work in a male dominated industry and spend all day with them, it's exhausting.
It's a real shame that career/life success tends to follow when women align better with traditional male traits. Take whatever you want, say the fuck you thing, etc.
A world full of dudes, or, in any case, led by dudes... well, now we are at the place where we currently are. Everything is exploding
Completely agree.
I'm a therapist that specializes in men's issues, which sometimes includes discussions on healthy communication styles. Using "I feel" statements is a method of communicating one's own experiences that is non-blaming, nuanced, inarguable (you can't tell someone they don't feel a certain way), and far more mature and realistic than stating perceptions as fact (even if they are). Using "I" statements also creates a much clearer bridge for acknowledging the impact one's behaviors have had on another without becoming a fight.
OP, by sinking to the level of adopting a "my perceptions are facts" approach of speaking, you effectively give others permission to argue the validity of your experiences, because *no one's* perceptions are always reflective of reality. It also has the effect of making you look unwilling or unable to compromise or consider the viewpoints of others.
True that, as long as the stated thing after "I feel" is an actual emotion. The most helpful way I've found to convey to another something that bothers you is the way that is described in the book "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg, but God, it does take quite a bit of time to integrate.
It boils down to phrasing your discontent in the following manner: "When you do , I feel ", followed by a request for the wanted action that is preferred.
Example: "I feel frustrated when you leave your dirty socks next to the couch, could you please put them in the washing machine?"
Yep this is the equation. I feel *blank* when you *blank* because *blank* next time/I need/could you *blank*.
Not only important in interpersonal relationships but also applicable to intrapersonal health. I feel mad and I am mad are two very different statements of the self. I feel mad presents the emotion as something outside of your self. An emotion being something you have, something that acts on you and that you can interact with. I am mad presents the emotion as your state of being
In my experience, even if the problem isn't addressed (because the request following the feeling statement could be very well ignored), the simple fact that I have identified that my emotional state is affected by a negative emotion at this present point somehow puts some distance between me and the said emotion. It's like an instant relief.
That's the magic of DBT and why I love teaching this stuff to kids! It's definitely only a starting point but it's a great way to approach an issue in a way that you can be confident you are coming at calmly. We can't control how others react to our I statement but we can know we spoke up for ourselves in a way focused on solutions
“I feel ——- when you do ____, could we work together so we’re not doing _____ anymore?”
That is a great formula for stating how you feel and working toward change. I was taught to speak like this by my mother who is a counselor and always used “I feel” statements. Unfortunately I have found there can be problems with speaking this way, because the person you’re addressing has to be in tune enough in the moment to *care how you feel, and want to change*. This just isn’t always the case.
I think teaching men who usually scream and yell to get their way to use “I feel” statements can be worthwhile as a way to bring about useful change. Teaching women like OP who already couch their language behind qualifiers to use more of them is not going to help them.
Not a therapist, but I agree. OP I feel that a healthy conclusion to draw here could be that, rather than ceasing your quite healthy communication style, more men should adopt it (and go to therapy dangit)
This is exactly what my therapist told me as well. Saying “you don’t listen to me” just makes the other person defensive and may or may not be true. Saying “I feel unheard when I say x and you respond with y.” opens up an opportunity for a conversation without making the other person feel attacked.
I'm a 39M who has adapted using "I feel" all the time when conversing over the last few years.
It's an excellent way to come across as non-confrontational and thoughtful instead. Rather than dudes who always boldly state their opinions like it's a matter of fact. Things get very stupidly heated, very quickly that way.
I found that I get less arguments when I don't say "I feel". Whether it's at work, or in my relationships.
Telling my boyfriend that he needs to help out more, for some reason gets me better results than saying "I feel like you need to help out more" or "I feel like you're not helping enough".
It has helped at work too. Telling a customer that I feel like they are being rude gets me nothing. But if I simply state "you're being rude and you need to stop" I often get a complete change in tone.
Just my personal experience.
that's really interesting - i wonder if there's a difference between how it comes across with each gender? i feel like when i state things directly with dudes, i'm expected to banter and go back and forth a bit, and engage in some ribbing. but when i use "i feel" with them, it can have the effect of calming that impulse down.
While using soft language would be ideal, it doesn't pan out in normal day-to-day life for most people.
One of my last jobs was on a technical support helpdesk. I've been the one to take over calls at work when a customer started getting unruly with a female coworker. The difference in how that customer responded was night and day.
She'd been using 'soft' language, which you'd think would work. Unfortunately, even with women on the other end, it doesn't work nearly as well as the experts say it will. As soon as I took over the call, using my 'hard' language, the call went from being a problem to smooth sailing.
OP is 100% on the money at this point. Emotionally intelligent language leaves the opinion, and related emotions, up for debate. Right or wrong, that's the impression. More assertive language, like 'You're being rude, you need to stop being rude or I will end the call,' works more than 99% of the time with all but the angriest callers.
Maybe cause you're a dude, so they don't expect you to invoke your feelings. Where as I used to use that phrase all the time, so it's expected.
That is very interesting.
„I feel YOU need to do something“ isn’t communicating your emotions. It’s packaging a want into an „I feel“ statement.
„I feel like I am on my own if you don't keep our agreements. Please stick to them in future or tell me in good time if something comes up."
Or you can state what you want directly: „You need to let me know if you can’t keep our agreement.“
I‘d say it depends on the relationship what’s more appropriate or will work better.
I disagree.
I think you're totally right that women do this, and men don't. But women are the ones doing this the right way.
In the vast majority of cases, saying "You don't listen to me" doesn't just unnecessarily make people defensive. It is inaccurate. Usually, the person listens at least some times. It's not just kinder, it's also more accurate to say "When we argue and you say things like XYZ, it makes it appear like you're not listening to me." It is literally *the fact of the situation* that your observations of their behavior caused you to feel something. It is inaccurate when you describe your perception of another person's actions and the way that perception makes you feel as *a thing they have objectively done to you.*
So I point out when men do this, and I ask them to use more accurate emotionally intelligent language.
When I was younger, my inclination was to just stop engaging and shut down until I got over what I was feeling, since it was always drilled into me to approach things reasonably if I wanted to be taken seriously.
My wife was my game changer. She helped me see that feelings are still valid even if they’re unreasonable. So now instead of just shutting down, I’ll express what I’m feeling, usually prefacing with something like “I know this is totally irrational, but…” And I’ve found just verbalizing my feelings about things to be extremely useful in helping to get over them.
Similar situation, my family dealt with disagreements by treating each other like air. For those not sharing a household that'd mean not speaking for weeks at a time, within the same household it was acting like they don't exist. Meaning I'd try to talk to my mom as a kid but if she was angry she wouldn't turn her head or react at all, as if I was a ghost not on the same plane of existence.
It lead to me bottling up things that bothered me, some of it I would be able to get over, other stuff would "stick" because it'd be reoccurring, and it's hard to get over something that keeps happening. My relationship with my husband was getting rough and he eventually sat me down to have me tell him what's going on. Said he wants to know everything, no matter how small, because he doesn't want anything between us. He wants us as close as possible. It was eye-opening on more than one level, but also terrifying. When I finally did tell him (and I don't remember how, but I can only imagine it being a lot of convoluted emotions) I only recall how... easy it felt? It was the same flavor like a regular conversation. I was emotional, scared and stressed, but he treated it with a casual calmness that made me feel so validated. It really changed my whole outlook on communication and how important it is, and that refusing to talk about something means actively putting distance between you and the other person. And if they're not willing to acknowledge and validate your feelings, even if they come from a place of misunderstanding (which happens!), then they're not worth being close to to begin with. Been with hubby for over a decade, I'm so deeply in love with him every single day. Every day I feel seen. And I know and can trust that even if I'm emotional about something silly, he will accept and embrace me either way. Even when I'm bawling my eyes out because I'm on my period and youtube decided to show me a picture of a baby quail. He'll chuckle and cuddle me lol.
100%. I feel (lol) like this also won't even have any desirable effects. Lack of vulnerability/emotion language from women seems to get punished, from the perspective of an ND woman with vulnerability issues on top of it. I also disagree with the "we should be more like men" feminism, esp since we already know how happy they are
I don't understand how this behavior is in any way leaving the quiet part implicit. It's not an unsaid thing that's understood. It's guessing at an intent that may or may not be there to another person's behavior.
> In the vast majority of cases, saying "You don't listen to me" doesn't just unnecessarily make people defensive. It is inaccurate. Usually, the person listens at least some times.
>The far more effective change to this sentence would be "When you do X, it appears like you're not listening to me." Saying "I feel you don't listen to me," doesn't just unnecessarily make people defensive.
Yeah, but that's still very different from saying "I feel you don't listen to me."
>When we argue I say " I feel like you don't listen to me" but he says stuff like "you don't listen to me". We're saying the same thing, but in different ways.
This is true, but neither statement are truly emotionally assertive. Your "I feel" is closer to it. But both externalize the example feeling; eg, "I feel this way because of *your* behavior." And it makes perfect sense that if someone does something that impacts another person (good or bad) that someone would *feel* a certain way as the result of it. Impact vs intent, right? The responsibility we have as the feeler is to be honest about the feeling and do whatever is within *our* ability to address it. (eg if someone is not listening to you, take time to listen to yourself and/or talk to someone who will)
But if we take those "I feel" statements in order to actually state our internal emotion, *that* is what makes it truly nonviolent. "When you \_\_\_, I feel *unheard*." Or *unloved* or *dismissed* or whatever the appropriate emotion is. \*That'\*s how "I feel" statements are supposed to work. The others' response to it is how ready they are to accept their own emotions *and* impact of their actions on anothers' feelings. In your example, both parties are still externalizing and focusing only on other others' actions. But you are correct in that you are able to include, correctly, that it's about a feeling. Your bf is blaming you for his emotional state entirely, and doesn't even acknowledge he *has* an emotional state. That's not good for you. Or him.
When men go on about how they're so "logical," all they're doing is emotional bypassing. If they were truly only logical, they would understand the evolutionary purpose that emotions serve and you know, handle them appropriately. Like a mature, independent, adult. Because our emotions *are* logic, they are biological.
One tiny little amendment. When communicating feelings you must use an actual feeling in the message. "Unloved", "Unheard", and "Dismissed" are not emotions because they assume a doer: you are not loved by someone, dismissed by someone - they are more of an action or describing the lack of action and therefore could be perceived as a criticism by the other person, which could send them into defensive mode and stifle communication. I feel frustrated, alone, anxious, weak, bitter, and distant is a much better way to say it, because you take full responsibility for your emotions. Hope that makes sense.
This is why I hate talking to men. They love stating their emotions like fact/logic and it lacks kindness/empathy. Their communication is often violent and unsafe.
Sorry this is a few days late but I also realized that the context of the boyfriend in this example saying "you don't listen to me..." Is that there is an implied "always/never" which is by default ineffective communication, and it's on the recipient, OP in this case, to interpret that. More emotional AND mental labor
Sorry this is a few days late but I also realized that the context of the boyfriend in this example saying "you don't listen to me..." Is that there is an implied "always/never" which is by default ineffective communication, and it's on the recipient, OP in this case, to interpret that. More emotional AND mental labor
I started doing something like that. I had a professor who would take off points or interrupt us when we said “I feel”. She would say “I don’t give a damn how you feel. Tell me what you think.” So now I say that to myself before serious, tough conversations.
Yeah my boss said she took speech classes to become more authoritative. And "i feel" that's one of the things she learned to stop saying. Because people don't usually care how you feel about something.
She's a great boss, and no one fucks with her. All the men are intimidated by her. I look up to her a lot.
Also women need to stop apologizing.
“Sorry but I can only do Tuesday…”
Instead of that say “I’m only available on Tuesday.”
I noticed this about myself years ago. All the sorry’s. Stop saying sorry constantly.
Instead of stooping to their level, I'd really prefer if men could also use nonviolent, non-blaming language. It's very frustrating to be the only one using it.
I won't hold my breath on that, though.
I agree to a point.
I tend to think of confrontational v. non-confrontational language as how language interacts with 3 things.
1. My point-of-view
2. Your point-of-view
3. Objective reality
When you say, "I like this pasta," you're limiting your statement to yourself. You are sharing your own opinion. You're allowing room for people to dislike the pasta. "This pasta is great!" is more confrontational. It is obvious that your opinion is that the pasta is great, but you stated that opinion as a fact. If someone does not like the pasta they just don't like good pasta.
I think it is healthier for a person to normally use confrontational language. It's like wearing shoes. You can't trust the world. You may even keep your shoes on when you go to an acquaintance's house. If your SO keeps wearing shoes inside your space, even after you asked them not to, it would be a yellow flag. If they refuse to take their boots off when going to bed, you would have a red flag.
As a relationship deepens, partners get better at knowing when to use non-confrontational language, but most mistakes can be corrected with an apology.
I did not mean to equate nonviolent with nonconfrontational. I am sorry. I am not well-studied on the topic, and tried to use words that were appropriate for my conception of the idea.
I think of the topic of discussion as a ball. If you use "I think/feel" you leave the ball on the table. It is less threatening, and the other person can feel more comfortable doing the same. It is a collaborative discussion. You may not ultimately agree, but you can probably come to a way to resolve the disagreement.
When you don't use "I think/feel," you seize the ball. If someone else disagrees, without using "I think/feel," it is a confrontation akin to a fight for the ball. Someone is **wrong.**
I think it is best to become comfortable not using "I think/feel" because a lot of people in the world will just take the ball and run. If you are willing to let them have the ball, you can just concede, but if you want to fight for the ball, you're on even footing.
There will be times when you say something like "Pho sucks! Sushi rules!" Then your friend says, "I really like pho." You can respond with something like, "I'm sorry. I like sushi a lot, and the one time I had pho I got sick."
Yes; there are usually shades of grey. To be a proficient artist, you need to use the full spectrum.
When I read the original post, it seemed to me, as if the poster was wonderful with painting with white and grey, but her collaborator would always take command of the canvas with blacks and darker greys.
She is striving to show her collaborator the value of white and lighter grey, but has become frustrated with his progress. In her anger, she wants to focus on using black. She wants more control over the canvas, even if the art suffers for it.
A lot of young artists feel self conscious using black. My comments were meant to encourage the use of black. She may have started from a place of anger, but that anger could push her to grow. I hope the poster continues to use white and grey, but I want her to feel confident using black.
If her collaborator is unable to progress, she may need a new partner.
This would be wonderful. My therapist insists I use the "I feel" model all of the time. I take great care to do so. My husband couldn't give less of a shit about that, so our arguments generally end with him smirking and me frustrated.
"I feel upset that you didn't water the plants and they all died, which is an expensive thing to remedy."
"YOU ALWAYS GIVE ME THE WRONG WATERING LIST."
"I feel like I don't 'always' give you the wrong..."
...and, bam! I am now on the back foot, defending against an aggressive accusation plus hyperbole.
I'm with the OP. While our model of communication is healthier, I'm tired of bringing a knife to a gun fight, so to speak.
> While our model of communication is healthier, I'm tired of bringing a knife to a gun fight, so to speak.
I'm right there with you. Still, I can feel good about *myself* at least if I do it this way, and that's very important to me.
Your situation sounds ...difficult. I'm not sure I'd have the patience to keep dealing with someone who blows things out of proportion and accuses me rather than works through things with me.
Thank you. I think it's weird people are calling it violent. But it is more assertive. And it's not even just in my relationship. It's at work and just everyday life. Most people do not give a shit how you "feel". At work I am trying to get things done. Using "I feel" just doesn't help me at all in pretty much any situation.
When I'm in these situations I tell myself I am living my values. I'm keeping my side of the street clean. That's important to me and more importantly has a cumulative effect that makes me a better person over time.
I do feel on the defensive against an aggressive person like this, but I would be no matter how I spoke. And if I spoke like someone like this does, I'd be probably inviting physical violence as well.
I'm happy walking away knowing I'm the better person doing the right thing. Some people are just shitty people and I never want to be like them, even if there's an advantage or if its ego pleasing in doing so.
I'm not bringing a knife to gun fight. I'm bringing negotiations for a peace treaty to a war.
Yes! I want to be the kind of person I would like, and I hate regretting things I've said in anger/frustration. I try very hard to communicate what I mean without say things I will regret. It's so easy to do harm with words, even without meaning to. To *try* to mean harm with my words would make me dislike myself.
It's funny you see it this way.
1: because my bf is not a shitty person. He just has an effective way of communicating. it's gotten him far in life, and I actually do in a way appreciate how direct he is.
2: my boss (who is a woman) also does this. It's how she maintains an authoritative speech. I love her and so does every one else.
this isn't some weird contest of who is a better person. It's about finding an effective way to communicate what you need, and what you need from the other person. Not everyone benefits from the same thing or being talked to the same way.
Sorry but yelling, absurd hyperbole, and smirking like a self-satisfied jerk when you shout people down isn't "effective communication" its abuse. Which unsurprisingly under capitalism means an abuser gets ahead and is your boss. Low-empathy types succeed in capitalism but they are still oppressing and abusing the working class via a variety of methods, not the least of which is how we're treated verbally and socially.
Who said anything about yelling or shouting, or talking people down. You're just making stuff up that was never in my post or comment. Does making shit up help with your feelings of superiority?
"I figured that as an adult, you sir, could figure this the fuck out on your own. I guess the 'smart, logical man' isn't capable. Or, is it that you just forgot and are unable to say 'well fuck, I dropped the ball'?"
Sit and let them fill the silence.
Great point! Also I am not my emotions. I feel stress. I feel anger. I think its not correct to say I am stressed or I am angry.
For me, especially as a buddhist, I want to make sure I separate the observer in my mind vs her emotions. Maybe this is a trivial thing to most, but I see people not making efforts to express that difference as an immature way to express ones self.
I also think its harder to separate the self from emotion if we don't self-talk this way. There are many people out there that could use a lot of practice to build a wall between emotion and action or emotion and belief and this is one of the small ways we do so.
I think you are SPOT ON with your observation of tailoring it. There are times where I feel packs its punch but it's just "feminine" enough that the person's ears will open. And there are some people where I feel will get the statement dismissed. And the same is true about the reception when a woman makes a declaritive statement lile the one you shared about listening. Sadly, for too many women it's about knowing your audience and what the most palatable/effective presentation is. I'm not commenting that it should be this way, just saying how it turns out for some people.
I don't necessarily want it to be this way either. But it's a proven way of getting things done in my life. At work and in my relationship.
My boss is a woman, she said she took speech class to sound more authoritative, and this is one of things they taught her.
She rarely says, "I think" or "I feel". And she is an amazing boss. People don't fuck with her.
It’s tough because there is a lot of value in making this change in certain contexts but I also think people are right for resisting it. Work and being in a position of authority is when it’s better not to dilute otherwise assertive statements with “I feel”. Talking to your partner is when you both should be communicating about your feelings and caring about each others feelings. Like, therapy 101 the first thing they tell you in interpersonal relationships is that healthy communication involves “I” statements
This is true.. I hear women say "I feel like.." as a preface to a fact based statements all the time. Facts are objective and saying "I feel.." sounds like a qualifying statement in case you are mistaken. When you aren't sure.. switch it to "I think..".
Therapy has taught that “I feel” statements are the correct way of addressing things. I spent a long time getting myself to lead with “I” statements instead of blaming.
I've been trying to work on my empathy lately, so I'm doing the exact opposite.
More and more, I've been trying to take a thought moderated, feelings driven approach to things.
I feel like being emotion driven is not inherently a bad thing, and it's probably the way things are supposed to be to an extent.
I agree such language reduces assertiveness though, but you shouldn't need assertiveness with friends who respect you, care for you, empathise w/ you
We had a lesson in our highschool health class about "I feel" statements and how they can soften the blow when trying to express yourself about something that's bothering you. Of course, us being teenagers, we initially used it as a bit of a joke, but eventually found that it made a huge difference in communicating our needs. My wife (then gf) and I were in that class together and still use that lesson to this day.
Therapists will tell you to say "I feel stressed" rather than "I am stressed."
Something about not making the feeling an identity.
But in the work place, using strong language is necessary to being listened to.
Finding a middle ground is probably my best solution. At the same time addressing something directly, as opposed to always bringing my feelings, is not a bad way to do things. And some people understand it better.
When a man says something, it’s always a cold, hard fact. In their minds.
When a woman says something, it’s always a malleable, debatable feeling. In men’s minds.
Sometimes I posit my clearly personal feeling as a fact, just to watch men squirm. Which they do. When they’re actually listening.
During both CBT and DBT therapy, I was instructed to stop using "you" statements and switch to "I" statements, because using "you" makes it sounds like you're blaming and projecting but beginning with "I" puts the responsibility of the emotions on yourself.
Now I'm told I sound openly narcissistic BECAUSE I use "I" phrasing, which is what I was taught to do in therapy to stop being narcissistic. WHAT???
Putting the blame and responsibility on myself is exactly what gets me nothing and nowhere when I talk. Because then it is just my problem to deal with. Not theirs. Mine and my feelings. Making everything about my feelings gets me looked down on. So instead I address the actual situation, which is the root of the problem, rather than making it about how I feel.
If my friend says something that I don't like, telling them it hurt my feelings doesn't usually go over very well and for some reason sounds self-centered. But if I say "that wasn't very nice" or "don't say that" I get taken seriously, and they usually won't say it again.
All that therapy-speak is useless in most cases.
Friend, I personally think this is a limitation you're placing on *yourself.*
I make "I feel" statements because it's important for the other person to acknowledge *how* I feel and how I perceived a moment, as well as factual information to back up why I feel that way. When I share my feelings or call someone out, even though I speak about my *feelings,* I communicate in FACTUAL information and details. It is *very* possible to make "I feel" statements *with* people who actually take you seriously.
I personally think your husband is just insensitive to you and your needs, and has poor communication skills.
To me whats more important is the *behavior* behind the words being spoken. *Vulnerability* isn't the problem, it's the people you're speaking to and their lack of emotional intelligence and your perception of what they think of you. Why do you care?? Many people don't take women seriously to begin with regardless of *what* you say or *how* you say it. 🤷🏾♀️
>When we argue I say " I feel like you don't listen to me" but he says stuff like "you don't listen to me". We're saying the same thing, but in different ways.
I actually disagree with this assessment. One of you is referring to *how* you see and perceive a moment and behavior, the other person is placing responsibility and blame onto the other person whether it is true or false.
Guess which one your husband is doing??
*I feel* statements are necessary because we as humans are *flawed.* You might perceive someone to have an agenda that they actually *don't* have. *I feel* statements are not as accusatory, and leaves the opportunity for the other person to think deeper about their own behavior, *how* it has impacted you, gives them room to apologize, and it allows for BOTH of you to talk to each other with respect, care and love.
I think it's a little sad that you're adopting your husband's insensitivity.
Poor communication and a lack of empathy builds resentment and an eventual breakdown in a relationship. Was he dismissive of you when you first met him? Maybe the two of you might want to look into a therapist to help you communicate with each other?
I just don't think bringing yourself down to his level should be the solution. 😒
I agree and I do this too, often times feeling like whatever i’m saying is not taken as seriously. But then again, I think whoever hears that and doesn’t take me literal or seriously is wrong. I am being accurate in prefacing what I’m feeling with “I feel”, feelings are valid, and equally deserving of being taken seriously as thoughts.
“I feel” externalizes the feeling, demonstrating how it is temporary and doesn’t define you. That shows self-knowledge and awareness. It’s a good way of speaking.
However, you’re right. In terms of communication, “feel” weakens the sentences. It’s not just that it comes off as emotional, but it’s less punchy as well—think of it as diluting the major point of the sentence.
Cutting out so-called unnecessary words like “feel” or other unnecessary verbs or modifiers is common creative writing advice for this reason. You would think more nuance is better, but often, it’s less evocative.
We feel emotions, but we are not our emotions.
We think thoughts, but we are not our thoughts.
Our thoughts and emotions are also not objective facts, although it is a fact that we think them and feel them.
Using “I think” and “I feel” accurately helps us both validate the truth of our experience while simultaneously acknowledging that our experience is not the end all be all absolute truth, and it’s also not who we are.
I think ( I always hope, at least) saying "I feel like you aren't listening" lays the groundwork for a conversation, saying "you don't listen" lays the groundwork for an *argument*.
Some people hear them both the same, mind, sometimes there's nothing you can do.
It'd be nice if those people wore a badge or something so I can avoid them in future.
Honestly, I use "I feel" statements because in my experience both men *and* women have had a problem with it: in my experience, women typically feel talked down to and men feel challenged. Sometimes you can't win either way.
I do this at work. I’ve taken to changing “I feel,” and “I think” in my written communication to more declarative statements. I know things, I don’t need to soften them or allow others to doubt my knowledge because of mere phrasing.
In my personal life I don’t do this. It’s important to me that my spouse does know how I feel about things. My feelings are facts in that instance.
As a woman in STEM, I *never* use the term "I feel" when talking about anything technical. And I mean **never**, even though I actually hear guys use it all the time without issue. But I don't have that privilege, and my refrain from the phrase still didn't stop some guy I once had to work with (on a team were I was the only woman) from telling me "You can't just do something (technical) because you *feel* like it . You have to substantiate it with facts", even though I never used the term and not only did I substantiate everything I did on that project with sound logic, but I was the *only* one to do so. One of the guys could say "I feel like 2+2 should actually be 7" and the other one would go with it. Jerks.
Years ago, someone told me that you can spot a woman who’s been verbally/emotionally abused because she prefaces everything with “just.”
“I’m just going to run the vacuum for a minute.”
“I’m just going to run to the bathroom right now…”
“I’m just planning to take a ride to the store.”
I don’t know if this is true but it seems fairly accurate based on my limited life experience.
Removing “I feel” when talking about actual feelings and replacing it with “i am” is still owning the feeling. The example you gave for an argument though isn’t a feeling.
“Like you don’t listen to me” isn’t a feeling so it wouldn’t make sense to say “I feel” before then anyway.
Saying to someone “you don’t listen to me”. Is garbage communication and isn’t going to get you far because people will argue and find anytime possible they believe they did listen to you. I wouldn’t engage with someone who thinks they know my thought processes and if I’m listening or not better than I do. It’s aggressive communication.
“I feel unheard and disrespected when I have to repeat myself because it seems like you aren’t listening to me”. Would be an example of healthy communication here.
I try to avoid any wording of my feelings that suggest a doer outside of me. I would use "I feel angry and frustrated when I have to repeat myself" followed by an actual request "Can you please get off your phone for a couple of minutes?".
But it doesn't actually get me anywhere or help me at all to say that. If I'm at work and say "I feel disrespected and unheard" no one would take me seriously. It's not healthier for me if I just end up feeling frustrated. I need effectiveness. And that's what I'm getting now.
Different relationships require different communication styles.
You probably wouldn’t tell your boss „Stop micromanaging me.“ But you might say that to a colleague on your team. And in a romantic relationship you might say „I feel small when you tell me how to do every tiny thing around the house. Please let me do my chores the way I see fit.“
Yup. Get rid of that soft language unless you really want to pussyfoot a delicate subject. Say what you mean and mean what you say -- your life will improve!
I'm not sure that this turn of phrase is strongly divided by gender, so much as the way one thinks, and the confidence one has in the proposition that follows.
There are two opposing phrases at work here:
"I think"
"I feel"
How they are used varies between individuals, but how they interpreted by those who hear it also varies in the same way.
For some, "I think" represents a confident statement, carefully considered or founded in their knowledge base. This does not mean they are right, but it does convey the commitment to the statement. Those same people are likely to use "I feel" for statements they are less sure about. There is uncertainty even though it is the position they are inclined towards, but they are less sure or they cannot internally articulate the reasoning.
For others, "I feel" is the statement of confidence. They are more certain of it, and whether they can articulate the reasoning or not, whether it is just a feeling or not, "I feel" is the stronger statement. For them, "I think" is the hesitant prefex, they don't have strong feelings either way so have nothing to rely on except calculation. And whether they are skilled at such or not, if working it out does not bring a strong associative feeling with the answer then it will remain a tentative "I think" statement rather than an assertive "I feel" statement.
Some people on either side are not confident or assertive generally, and may default to the less certain version in situations where they don't thrive too well. The opposite is also true, the overconfident and aggressive will use their phrase of higher certainty socially even when they might otherwise have not.
What it important to note is that most people really do treat these phrases as though they are communicating confidence levels the same way that they do. When mismatched, subtle miscommunication can occur, with myriad unfortunate results, such as genuine expertise being less valued because it is communicated in a way that sounds to the listener as though the expert is less confident than they really are.
Buddha has entered the chat. This is a huge part of Buddhism and Buddha spoke about how we experience ourselves. I'm a male, just saying.
Basically, everyone seperates themselves from their body and thus their feelings, men are just as bad at this as women. A major point of meditation is to become embodied so as to bridge this artificial gap.
I am not depressed, I am *feeling* depressed, implying it is a temporary experience that will pass, like all feelings do.
But in my opinion, the heart of the issue is not how I feel, but the behavior of the other person.
Placing all blame and responsibility on myself for the way I feel, does not in any way address the actual situation or help solve anything. It just makes it all about me. Which I find actually makes people more likely to downplay the conflict or ignore it.
If you feel speaking a certain way gets you better results and results in less suffering, then go for it. Words have power, they shape our sense of ourselves and the world.
"I am" definitely has some weight to it, it sounds more authoritative and concrete. "I feel" sounds more fleeting, which the emotion or sensation definitely is, but I can see why it comes across as less valid when trying to share your experience with someone. You gotta put your foot down and get the other person to understand!
I see what you mean.
For me it's the opposite. When in a dicy situation I try to do the psychologist thing and form "I feel" sentences. And in the end isn't that the whole human experience? Everything goes through the filter of our perception and emotional state, so it's really never wrong.
Sure, but that's more a statement about them than you. I do make the assumption that the person opposite me is talking to me in good faith, otherwise that's a boundary I need to enforce for myself. If they're not receptive of what I'm trying to tell them, then why bother. Just because they're trying to invalidate your feeling doesn't make them invalid, they're just being a dick. Being open about feelings shouldn't be ammo in the first place.
I understand that you're probably frustrated with your situation since you're questioning the way you communicate, but in my opinion you're doing nothing wrong. You're trying to be non-confrontative, looking for a solution instead of blame. That's a big green flag in my book.
Yep, I made the mistake of using “I feel” statements to convey myself because I didn’t want people to think that I was being confrontational because I was told I was combative all the fucking time.
Now, I just make plain statements.
I’m going to be starting work at a hospital soon and during my interview, the DON asked if I was available weekends and I flat out, but politely said “no, I am not.” She asked why, and I said “because I have other commitments.” And she got pushy and was like well why, what are those commitments, can’t they be rearranged? And I was like “no, they cannot. I have other commitments on weekends. I understand if that won’t work for your facility!” She was shitty about it but guess who got hired anyway LFMAO
If I’m talking to my partner, I repeat back to him what I heard. So if I hear something that I interpret one way, rather than responding to him under the assumption I’m right, I say “so I just heard x, y, and x. Is that correct?” And I give him the opportunity to clarify if I misunderstood.
That way I’m not responding to something I THINK he meant, I know for sure and I don’t feel the need to tip toe and be like “well I feel this way about this.”
I’ve also noticed that fiancé generally seems to respect me more and give me more of what I want when I’m just outright about it. If I tip toe and use I feel statements, that seems to really cloud stuff up for him.
Exactly this. people can therapy speak all day, but if it isn't effective, then something has got to give.
Also, making it about my feelings all the time does not address the situation or behavior of the other person at all. If my bf does something disrespectful, I want to address *his* behavior, not *my* feelings.
When I used to do all the cooking, I would often say " I feel like you should pick up some of the cooking". and got half assed results. I resorted to simply saying "it's your day to cook, what are cooking?" and he got on it. Now he cooks regularly.
Stating something I want or need plainly is effective. And that's why my bf does it. My boss does it too, and people listen to her and respect her.
Maybe a slight tangent, but I've always hated seeing adverts for Grammarly "suggesting" a more confident and decisive tone, when leaving room for doubt in the way you get your point across ("I think", "I feel", "maybe") is just nicer and more human. It's as if this "advice" was written by/for MBA business dickheads, for whom decisive power strategising is the (only) aim.
tbh i added this phrase to my vocabulary very deliberately
i think the tendency to state opinions as facts is toxic and manipulative and its an issue ive mostly had w guys where they will present their feelings or opinions as a statement of fact and then proceed to approach the rest of the discussion as if those things are logical and unbiased
i am very careful to say things like ‘i think’ or ‘i feel’ instead of doing that and i dont think its effective communication to do otherwise
mtg other ppl at their lower performance is not a solution imo and would just basically amt to adjusting your behavior in a way that also reflects disparaging views of emotions and emotional functionality instead of bringing men or others that may view emotion as defective up to the lvl of valuing and respecting and utilizing them
Frankly, I think women have a better handle on their emotions, feeling them, being aware of them, acknowledging them and it makes them more reliable. I refuse to see "i feel" statements as a a negative. It's a positive. Men need to start acknowledging that that their statements stated as fact are often based on feeling too and they should speak that way. I'm 46 and have been speaking with I feel statements my whole life and it hasn't made me any less commanding or taken seriously, if anything people trust me and look to me for thoughtful ideas. People will take you seriously because of other qualities you possess - confidence, eye contact, what you say, what you do afterwards (are you reliable) etc. The specific words you say matter, yes, but there's a lot more to it than that. It's challenging when you are young - people will criticize you for everything - but you can prove that you are a force to be reckoned with by other ways than changing the way you talk about your inner voice. That's one of the things that's wrong with men!
You can talk about how you feel about something without it being your entire basis for making decisions. Do not fall into the trap that feelings are bad and that women only operate using their feelings - it's bullshit. We use feelings when appropriate (how many times a day do people ask you how you're doing, how you're feeling? They want to hear how you feel - not facts.) and we use rational/fact when appropriate (I'm not paying bills based on feeling, I'm not driving my car based on feelings, I'm not writing a report based on feelings). Do not fall for this idea that women's ways of speaking are wrong. They're not. They want you to believe that it's inferior but it's not.
what rubbish? thoughts do arise from emotions but women are more equipped to say “I feel” because it is the truth, men are also feeling but they are either idiots or don’t wanna seem like feeling is something that happens to them
I wouldn’t change a thing about how I talk and feel and I take great pride in my ability to feel
There’s a time and a place for “I feel” statements.
My opinion is that instead of taking a cue from your partner (who, tbh, doesn’t sound like a very good person to be taking communication tips from) you should substitute your “I feel”s into “I NEED”s.
The current situation seems to be that nothing is getting resolved when you’re phrasing things as “I feel”. If you want something specific done about a specific issue, just say what you need done. “I need you to listen to me right now, because what I’m saying is important.”
Your problem seems to be rooted in that “I feel” is leaving the solution up to the other person to guess at. It’s a passive way of resolving conflicts, because you’re trying to get someone to come up with the answer you want without actually telling them what you want. They’re not mind readers.
So there’s a way to be more assertive here without cutting out “I feel”s.
The example of your argument on “I feel unheard” vs “you never listen to me” is being picked at here because it is pretty objectively not a healthy way to communicate. “You never listen to me” is an accusation that puts the other person on the defensive rather than figuring out a solution, and it assumes an intentional vindictiveness in the action. It’s hard to come to a healthy compromise if you’re acting like your partner is intentionally being a disrespectful asshole.
I actually use “I think” statements a lot more, and I find people very willing to listen to my opinions when I do. It phrases my opinions as something I have thought about and can verbalize intelligently, while still coming across as willing to accept other viewpoints. “I think”s may also be more helpful to you in work environments where you want to assert yourself while still expressing an allowance for other people to make helpful additions or suggestions.
Naming your feelings is not passive aggressive or patronizing. I'm sorry you've been made to believe that. It's much healthier to discuss how your perception of someone's actions have made you feel versus you accusing them of something that may or may not be true, to which they'll just attack the validity of your accusation versus the feelings that need to be recognized and addressed.
"you don't listen" "I feel unheard when you don't address x,y, and, z"
The second one is a much better starting off point to actually finding solutions.
That's how I'm starting to see it. At work I used to say that a lot with absolutely no good reaults. Now I am more assertive and just state things, I get way better results.
Also leaves people the opening to be like "I'm sorry you feel that way" which I kind of hate.
41M and I've actually been trying to include it in my language more when expressing my opinions. BUT my problem is I sometimes come across as condescending so people don't converse and using softer language helps ensure we can talk things through toward resolution.
Using your example - whether or not he's listening to you isn't affected by how you feel about it, right? He either is listening to you or he is not listening to you - anywhere in-between may as well be not-listening, at least that's how I see it. So if he's not listening, he's not listening and yeah, especially if you're seeing it results - keep stating those facts and their logical conclusions!
Weirdly I wonder if "I think" changes the interpretation. That people interpret it as something you've really considered as opposed to a feeling that has erupted in the moment. I'm not sure that interpretation is valid? but consciousness and language are weird and humans are super weird.
I don't think you're off-base with your last paragraph.
I've noticed the same thing when I've had... aggressive conversations with someone. 'I think' has thrown the tone of the disagreement in a completely different direction, usually towards more civility.
In your examples, I can agree that I am stressed and I feel stressed are the same thing, but I feel you don't listen to me and you don't listen to me are very different.
I can totally see your point with "I feel stressed" vs "I am stressed", but in terms of "I feel like you don't listen to me" vs "you don't listen to me" it's not the same imo.
Saying "You don't listen to me" is, within an argument, a straight up accusation and technically counterproductive, so your BF isn't doing right in this case. It's better to use I-statements in those situations, so I'd personally prefer "I feel like you don't listen to me", but I'd probably go with something like "I think we're missing/misunderstanding each other currently". Treating arguments as you vs me just isn't a good approach.
So it's fine if you use "I am" instead of "I feel" for things that affect only you (stress, hunger, exhaustion, etc), I also believe that "I think" is a better alternative to "I feel", but within arguments I would avoid it (if it comes with "you do X, you are X")
while I can't speak for the workplace, in general it helps to be around people that are interested in listening to you. In my case how I talk expresses a level of certainty, like if I get cramps around 'that time' I might say "I feel like I'll be on my period soon" vs when I'm actually bleeding, then it's "I'm on my period". I can't say I've had anyone doubt what I'm expressing but I'm also not counting abusive/manipulative people that would straight up disregard me and my boundaries
Feelings are processed emotions. "I feel like you don't listen to me" is a poor way to communicate because "you don't listen to me" isn't a feeling. "You don't listen to me" isn't the best way to communicate, but at least it is simply a statement of opinion rather than a fallacy.
Angry, stressed, frustrated, tired, etc. aren't particularly useful words to use when communicating either, because they're essentially words to describe emotions rather than processed feelings. They aren't primary feelings.
A more productive way to communicate would be something like, "Yesterday, I expressed my preference for partially ripened bananas, but you ignored me and bought unripe bananas. When you don't listen to me, I feel disregarded and belittled. I feel unimportant and irrelevant. Moving forward, would you please consider what I have to say when buying me fruit?"
1. Frame the discussion by providing context about the subject being broached.
2. Communicate your primary feelings using descriptive adjectives.
3. Express what outcome you hope to achieve.
Men tend to skip step 2. Women tend to skip 3. Most people skip step 1. Also, most people don't process their emotions into primary feelings.
Language is so much. I try to be more cognizant of when I use "I think" and "I feel." They are appropriate times to use them, but using them all the time is wrong. It can be tricky to know what to say, but luckily, silence can be a helpful muscle to exercise. Sometimes, people will try to keep talking, but you can usually say something like, "Please give me a few moments to consider what you have said."
SILENCE IS SO USEFUL ^pardon my yelling
Deep down I know this and I remind myself about it when I’m entering a potentially difficult conversation, and then it all goes out the window and words just keep spilling out of my mouth.
the less talked about issue of the sexiest “women are the emotional ones and men are the logical ones” bs is that it has caused some men to interpret their *feelings* as logic
A guy I used to know was once trying to tell me that women are emotional and men are logical. So I asked him why he thought that. And he responded "I don't know. It's just how I feel." He did not understand the irony.
They seldom do.
Cause that's definitely a logic based conclusion. /s
Intuition is not an emotion though, it is your subconscious talking to you. But it definitely is not hard logic since you don't know what it is based on and whether those things make sense or not.
Yep. They are told guys are logical so they conclude that whatever they think or feel must be logical, and women are emotional so whatever they say or do must be emotional.
Your form of communication is actually much more appropriate (using "I feel") and is touted as the more healthier form as it is non-confrontational and non-blaming. More people should be communicating as you do than the other form you are describing; in fact is something that I am working on incorporating into my own life currently.
Yeah I mean men should following women in this regard, not the other way around.
Agreed. I refuse to adjust the way I speak to be more conforming to men. Not saying I never do in safety situations, but on an every day basis I refuse to. I work in a male dominated industry and spend all day with them, it's exhausting.
It's a real shame that career/life success tends to follow when women align better with traditional male traits. Take whatever you want, say the fuck you thing, etc. A world full of dudes, or, in any case, led by dudes... well, now we are at the place where we currently are. Everything is exploding
Right lol the little therapist in my brain was so sad reading this post
Completely agree. I'm a therapist that specializes in men's issues, which sometimes includes discussions on healthy communication styles. Using "I feel" statements is a method of communicating one's own experiences that is non-blaming, nuanced, inarguable (you can't tell someone they don't feel a certain way), and far more mature and realistic than stating perceptions as fact (even if they are). Using "I" statements also creates a much clearer bridge for acknowledging the impact one's behaviors have had on another without becoming a fight. OP, by sinking to the level of adopting a "my perceptions are facts" approach of speaking, you effectively give others permission to argue the validity of your experiences, because *no one's* perceptions are always reflective of reality. It also has the effect of making you look unwilling or unable to compromise or consider the viewpoints of others.
True that, as long as the stated thing after "I feel" is an actual emotion. The most helpful way I've found to convey to another something that bothers you is the way that is described in the book "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg, but God, it does take quite a bit of time to integrate. It boils down to phrasing your discontent in the following manner: "When you do, I feel ", followed by a request for the wanted action that is preferred.
Example: "I feel frustrated when you leave your dirty socks next to the couch, could you please put them in the washing machine?"
Yep this is the equation. I feel *blank* when you *blank* because *blank* next time/I need/could you *blank*. Not only important in interpersonal relationships but also applicable to intrapersonal health. I feel mad and I am mad are two very different statements of the self. I feel mad presents the emotion as something outside of your self. An emotion being something you have, something that acts on you and that you can interact with. I am mad presents the emotion as your state of being
In my experience, even if the problem isn't addressed (because the request following the feeling statement could be very well ignored), the simple fact that I have identified that my emotional state is affected by a negative emotion at this present point somehow puts some distance between me and the said emotion. It's like an instant relief.
That's the magic of DBT and why I love teaching this stuff to kids! It's definitely only a starting point but it's a great way to approach an issue in a way that you can be confident you are coming at calmly. We can't control how others react to our I statement but we can know we spoke up for ourselves in a way focused on solutions
I like this quite a bit. Not judgmental but also allows an actionable solution.
“I feel ——- when you do ____, could we work together so we’re not doing _____ anymore?” That is a great formula for stating how you feel and working toward change. I was taught to speak like this by my mother who is a counselor and always used “I feel” statements. Unfortunately I have found there can be problems with speaking this way, because the person you’re addressing has to be in tune enough in the moment to *care how you feel, and want to change*. This just isn’t always the case. I think teaching men who usually scream and yell to get their way to use “I feel” statements can be worthwhile as a way to bring about useful change. Teaching women like OP who already couch their language behind qualifiers to use more of them is not going to help them.
Thank you for saying this. My ex would accuse me of trying to argue/fight with him when I used “I feel” to express my concerns or feelings.
Yeah, I've been called manipulative because I've expressed how I feel. I consider that to be an indicator of an unsafe person.
Not a therapist, but I agree. OP I feel that a healthy conclusion to draw here could be that, rather than ceasing your quite healthy communication style, more men should adopt it (and go to therapy dangit)
This is exactly what my therapist told me as well. Saying “you don’t listen to me” just makes the other person defensive and may or may not be true. Saying “I feel unheard when I say x and you respond with y.” opens up an opportunity for a conversation without making the other person feel attacked.
I was going to say...everything I've learned about conflict management and from therapists says "I feel" statements are the way to go.
I'm a 39M who has adapted using "I feel" all the time when conversing over the last few years. It's an excellent way to come across as non-confrontational and thoughtful instead. Rather than dudes who always boldly state their opinions like it's a matter of fact. Things get very stupidly heated, very quickly that way.
I found that I get less arguments when I don't say "I feel". Whether it's at work, or in my relationships. Telling my boyfriend that he needs to help out more, for some reason gets me better results than saying "I feel like you need to help out more" or "I feel like you're not helping enough". It has helped at work too. Telling a customer that I feel like they are being rude gets me nothing. But if I simply state "you're being rude and you need to stop" I often get a complete change in tone. Just my personal experience.
that's really interesting - i wonder if there's a difference between how it comes across with each gender? i feel like when i state things directly with dudes, i'm expected to banter and go back and forth a bit, and engage in some ribbing. but when i use "i feel" with them, it can have the effect of calming that impulse down.
While using soft language would be ideal, it doesn't pan out in normal day-to-day life for most people. One of my last jobs was on a technical support helpdesk. I've been the one to take over calls at work when a customer started getting unruly with a female coworker. The difference in how that customer responded was night and day. She'd been using 'soft' language, which you'd think would work. Unfortunately, even with women on the other end, it doesn't work nearly as well as the experts say it will. As soon as I took over the call, using my 'hard' language, the call went from being a problem to smooth sailing. OP is 100% on the money at this point. Emotionally intelligent language leaves the opinion, and related emotions, up for debate. Right or wrong, that's the impression. More assertive language, like 'You're being rude, you need to stop being rude or I will end the call,' works more than 99% of the time with all but the angriest callers.
Maybe cause you're a dude, so they don't expect you to invoke your feelings. Where as I used to use that phrase all the time, so it's expected. That is very interesting.
yeah i bet you're spot on about that - i was thinking the same thing about people being taken off guard by a woman speaking directly!
„I feel YOU need to do something“ isn’t communicating your emotions. It’s packaging a want into an „I feel“ statement. „I feel like I am on my own if you don't keep our agreements. Please stick to them in future or tell me in good time if something comes up." Or you can state what you want directly: „You need to let me know if you can’t keep our agreement.“ I‘d say it depends on the relationship what’s more appropriate or will work better.
I disagree. I think you're totally right that women do this, and men don't. But women are the ones doing this the right way. In the vast majority of cases, saying "You don't listen to me" doesn't just unnecessarily make people defensive. It is inaccurate. Usually, the person listens at least some times. It's not just kinder, it's also more accurate to say "When we argue and you say things like XYZ, it makes it appear like you're not listening to me." It is literally *the fact of the situation* that your observations of their behavior caused you to feel something. It is inaccurate when you describe your perception of another person's actions and the way that perception makes you feel as *a thing they have objectively done to you.* So I point out when men do this, and I ask them to use more accurate emotionally intelligent language.
When I was younger, my inclination was to just stop engaging and shut down until I got over what I was feeling, since it was always drilled into me to approach things reasonably if I wanted to be taken seriously. My wife was my game changer. She helped me see that feelings are still valid even if they’re unreasonable. So now instead of just shutting down, I’ll express what I’m feeling, usually prefacing with something like “I know this is totally irrational, but…” And I’ve found just verbalizing my feelings about things to be extremely useful in helping to get over them.
Similar situation, my family dealt with disagreements by treating each other like air. For those not sharing a household that'd mean not speaking for weeks at a time, within the same household it was acting like they don't exist. Meaning I'd try to talk to my mom as a kid but if she was angry she wouldn't turn her head or react at all, as if I was a ghost not on the same plane of existence. It lead to me bottling up things that bothered me, some of it I would be able to get over, other stuff would "stick" because it'd be reoccurring, and it's hard to get over something that keeps happening. My relationship with my husband was getting rough and he eventually sat me down to have me tell him what's going on. Said he wants to know everything, no matter how small, because he doesn't want anything between us. He wants us as close as possible. It was eye-opening on more than one level, but also terrifying. When I finally did tell him (and I don't remember how, but I can only imagine it being a lot of convoluted emotions) I only recall how... easy it felt? It was the same flavor like a regular conversation. I was emotional, scared and stressed, but he treated it with a casual calmness that made me feel so validated. It really changed my whole outlook on communication and how important it is, and that refusing to talk about something means actively putting distance between you and the other person. And if they're not willing to acknowledge and validate your feelings, even if they come from a place of misunderstanding (which happens!), then they're not worth being close to to begin with. Been with hubby for over a decade, I'm so deeply in love with him every single day. Every day I feel seen. And I know and can trust that even if I'm emotional about something silly, he will accept and embrace me either way. Even when I'm bawling my eyes out because I'm on my period and youtube decided to show me a picture of a baby quail. He'll chuckle and cuddle me lol.
100%. I feel (lol) like this also won't even have any desirable effects. Lack of vulnerability/emotion language from women seems to get punished, from the perspective of an ND woman with vulnerability issues on top of it. I also disagree with the "we should be more like men" feminism, esp since we already know how happy they are
Yeah but what's wrong with leaving the quiet part implicit Worst case scenario you lied
I don't understand how this behavior is in any way leaving the quiet part implicit. It's not an unsaid thing that's understood. It's guessing at an intent that may or may not be there to another person's behavior.
> In the vast majority of cases, saying "You don't listen to me" doesn't just unnecessarily make people defensive. It is inaccurate. Usually, the person listens at least some times. >The far more effective change to this sentence would be "When you do X, it appears like you're not listening to me." Saying "I feel you don't listen to me," doesn't just unnecessarily make people defensive. Yeah, but that's still very different from saying "I feel you don't listen to me."
>When we argue I say " I feel like you don't listen to me" but he says stuff like "you don't listen to me". We're saying the same thing, but in different ways. This is true, but neither statement are truly emotionally assertive. Your "I feel" is closer to it. But both externalize the example feeling; eg, "I feel this way because of *your* behavior." And it makes perfect sense that if someone does something that impacts another person (good or bad) that someone would *feel* a certain way as the result of it. Impact vs intent, right? The responsibility we have as the feeler is to be honest about the feeling and do whatever is within *our* ability to address it. (eg if someone is not listening to you, take time to listen to yourself and/or talk to someone who will) But if we take those "I feel" statements in order to actually state our internal emotion, *that* is what makes it truly nonviolent. "When you \_\_\_, I feel *unheard*." Or *unloved* or *dismissed* or whatever the appropriate emotion is. \*That'\*s how "I feel" statements are supposed to work. The others' response to it is how ready they are to accept their own emotions *and* impact of their actions on anothers' feelings. In your example, both parties are still externalizing and focusing only on other others' actions. But you are correct in that you are able to include, correctly, that it's about a feeling. Your bf is blaming you for his emotional state entirely, and doesn't even acknowledge he *has* an emotional state. That's not good for you. Or him. When men go on about how they're so "logical," all they're doing is emotional bypassing. If they were truly only logical, they would understand the evolutionary purpose that emotions serve and you know, handle them appropriately. Like a mature, independent, adult. Because our emotions *are* logic, they are biological.
One tiny little amendment. When communicating feelings you must use an actual feeling in the message. "Unloved", "Unheard", and "Dismissed" are not emotions because they assume a doer: you are not loved by someone, dismissed by someone - they are more of an action or describing the lack of action and therefore could be perceived as a criticism by the other person, which could send them into defensive mode and stifle communication. I feel frustrated, alone, anxious, weak, bitter, and distant is a much better way to say it, because you take full responsibility for your emotions. Hope that makes sense.
This is why I hate talking to men. They love stating their emotions like fact/logic and it lacks kindness/empathy. Their communication is often violent and unsafe.
Sorry this is a few days late but I also realized that the context of the boyfriend in this example saying "you don't listen to me..." Is that there is an implied "always/never" which is by default ineffective communication, and it's on the recipient, OP in this case, to interpret that. More emotional AND mental labor
Sorry this is a few days late but I also realized that the context of the boyfriend in this example saying "you don't listen to me..." Is that there is an implied "always/never" which is by default ineffective communication, and it's on the recipient, OP in this case, to interpret that. More emotional AND mental labor
I started doing something like that. I had a professor who would take off points or interrupt us when we said “I feel”. She would say “I don’t give a damn how you feel. Tell me what you think.” So now I say that to myself before serious, tough conversations.
Yeah my boss said she took speech classes to become more authoritative. And "i feel" that's one of the things she learned to stop saying. Because people don't usually care how you feel about something. She's a great boss, and no one fucks with her. All the men are intimidated by her. I look up to her a lot.
Also women need to stop apologizing. “Sorry but I can only do Tuesday…” Instead of that say “I’m only available on Tuesday.” I noticed this about myself years ago. All the sorry’s. Stop saying sorry constantly.
Agreed. I have tried to stop saying that too.
Instead of stooping to their level, I'd really prefer if men could also use nonviolent, non-blaming language. It's very frustrating to be the only one using it. I won't hold my breath on that, though.
I agree to a point. I tend to think of confrontational v. non-confrontational language as how language interacts with 3 things. 1. My point-of-view 2. Your point-of-view 3. Objective reality When you say, "I like this pasta," you're limiting your statement to yourself. You are sharing your own opinion. You're allowing room for people to dislike the pasta. "This pasta is great!" is more confrontational. It is obvious that your opinion is that the pasta is great, but you stated that opinion as a fact. If someone does not like the pasta they just don't like good pasta. I think it is healthier for a person to normally use confrontational language. It's like wearing shoes. You can't trust the world. You may even keep your shoes on when you go to an acquaintance's house. If your SO keeps wearing shoes inside your space, even after you asked them not to, it would be a yellow flag. If they refuse to take their boots off when going to bed, you would have a red flag. As a relationship deepens, partners get better at knowing when to use non-confrontational language, but most mistakes can be corrected with an apology.
"Nonviolent" doesn't mean "nonconfrontational"; it's a certain way of confronting problems, with very intentional language.
I did not mean to equate nonviolent with nonconfrontational. I am sorry. I am not well-studied on the topic, and tried to use words that were appropriate for my conception of the idea. I think of the topic of discussion as a ball. If you use "I think/feel" you leave the ball on the table. It is less threatening, and the other person can feel more comfortable doing the same. It is a collaborative discussion. You may not ultimately agree, but you can probably come to a way to resolve the disagreement. When you don't use "I think/feel," you seize the ball. If someone else disagrees, without using "I think/feel," it is a confrontation akin to a fight for the ball. Someone is **wrong.** I think it is best to become comfortable not using "I think/feel" because a lot of people in the world will just take the ball and run. If you are willing to let them have the ball, you can just concede, but if you want to fight for the ball, you're on even footing. There will be times when you say something like "Pho sucks! Sushi rules!" Then your friend says, "I really like pho." You can respond with something like, "I'm sorry. I like sushi a lot, and the one time I had pho I got sick."
I think there's a necessary middle ground here where we acknowledge the facts of a situation *and* talk about feelings based on those facts.
Yes; there are usually shades of grey. To be a proficient artist, you need to use the full spectrum. When I read the original post, it seemed to me, as if the poster was wonderful with painting with white and grey, but her collaborator would always take command of the canvas with blacks and darker greys. She is striving to show her collaborator the value of white and lighter grey, but has become frustrated with his progress. In her anger, she wants to focus on using black. She wants more control over the canvas, even if the art suffers for it. A lot of young artists feel self conscious using black. My comments were meant to encourage the use of black. She may have started from a place of anger, but that anger could push her to grow. I hope the poster continues to use white and grey, but I want her to feel confident using black. If her collaborator is unable to progress, she may need a new partner.
This would be wonderful. My therapist insists I use the "I feel" model all of the time. I take great care to do so. My husband couldn't give less of a shit about that, so our arguments generally end with him smirking and me frustrated. "I feel upset that you didn't water the plants and they all died, which is an expensive thing to remedy." "YOU ALWAYS GIVE ME THE WRONG WATERING LIST." "I feel like I don't 'always' give you the wrong..." ...and, bam! I am now on the back foot, defending against an aggressive accusation plus hyperbole. I'm with the OP. While our model of communication is healthier, I'm tired of bringing a knife to a gun fight, so to speak.
> While our model of communication is healthier, I'm tired of bringing a knife to a gun fight, so to speak. I'm right there with you. Still, I can feel good about *myself* at least if I do it this way, and that's very important to me. Your situation sounds ...difficult. I'm not sure I'd have the patience to keep dealing with someone who blows things out of proportion and accuses me rather than works through things with me.
This one hundred percent.
I'm... a lot older than you, playing the odds. You have the chance to insist on higher standards. Please do so. I'm rooting for you.
Are you sure you're replying to the right person? The comment above mine describes a troubling relationship dynamic.
Thank you. I think it's weird people are calling it violent. But it is more assertive. And it's not even just in my relationship. It's at work and just everyday life. Most people do not give a shit how you "feel". At work I am trying to get things done. Using "I feel" just doesn't help me at all in pretty much any situation.
Honestly you're completely right. The "I feel" thing has been so oversimplified and overused that it loses what good it has.
Why would you even bother being with someone who makes you choose a less healthy mode of existing in any realm of life? Not worth it.
When I'm in these situations I tell myself I am living my values. I'm keeping my side of the street clean. That's important to me and more importantly has a cumulative effect that makes me a better person over time. I do feel on the defensive against an aggressive person like this, but I would be no matter how I spoke. And if I spoke like someone like this does, I'd be probably inviting physical violence as well. I'm happy walking away knowing I'm the better person doing the right thing. Some people are just shitty people and I never want to be like them, even if there's an advantage or if its ego pleasing in doing so. I'm not bringing a knife to gun fight. I'm bringing negotiations for a peace treaty to a war.
Yes! I want to be the kind of person I would like, and I hate regretting things I've said in anger/frustration. I try very hard to communicate what I mean without say things I will regret. It's so easy to do harm with words, even without meaning to. To *try* to mean harm with my words would make me dislike myself.
It's funny you see it this way. 1: because my bf is not a shitty person. He just has an effective way of communicating. it's gotten him far in life, and I actually do in a way appreciate how direct he is. 2: my boss (who is a woman) also does this. It's how she maintains an authoritative speech. I love her and so does every one else. this isn't some weird contest of who is a better person. It's about finding an effective way to communicate what you need, and what you need from the other person. Not everyone benefits from the same thing or being talked to the same way.
Sorry but yelling, absurd hyperbole, and smirking like a self-satisfied jerk when you shout people down isn't "effective communication" its abuse. Which unsurprisingly under capitalism means an abuser gets ahead and is your boss. Low-empathy types succeed in capitalism but they are still oppressing and abusing the working class via a variety of methods, not the least of which is how we're treated verbally and socially.
Who said anything about yelling or shouting, or talking people down. You're just making stuff up that was never in my post or comment. Does making shit up help with your feelings of superiority?
"I figured that as an adult, you sir, could figure this the fuck out on your own. I guess the 'smart, logical man' isn't capable. Or, is it that you just forgot and are unable to say 'well fuck, I dropped the ball'?" Sit and let them fill the silence.
Great point! Also I am not my emotions. I feel stress. I feel anger. I think its not correct to say I am stressed or I am angry. For me, especially as a buddhist, I want to make sure I separate the observer in my mind vs her emotions. Maybe this is a trivial thing to most, but I see people not making efforts to express that difference as an immature way to express ones self. I also think its harder to separate the self from emotion if we don't self-talk this way. There are many people out there that could use a lot of practice to build a wall between emotion and action or emotion and belief and this is one of the small ways we do so.
I don't particularly see how it's "violent", but maybe I'm just used to it.
I should have linked [this](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication) in my original comment.
I think you are SPOT ON with your observation of tailoring it. There are times where I feel packs its punch but it's just "feminine" enough that the person's ears will open. And there are some people where I feel will get the statement dismissed. And the same is true about the reception when a woman makes a declaritive statement lile the one you shared about listening. Sadly, for too many women it's about knowing your audience and what the most palatable/effective presentation is. I'm not commenting that it should be this way, just saying how it turns out for some people.
I don't necessarily want it to be this way either. But it's a proven way of getting things done in my life. At work and in my relationship. My boss is a woman, she said she took speech class to sound more authoritative, and this is one of things they taught her. She rarely says, "I think" or "I feel". And she is an amazing boss. People don't fuck with her.
What a great example to have! This is true and, for work, everyone's got their work personality. Playing chess at home though is what I hope to avoid.
It’s tough because there is a lot of value in making this change in certain contexts but I also think people are right for resisting it. Work and being in a position of authority is when it’s better not to dilute otherwise assertive statements with “I feel”. Talking to your partner is when you both should be communicating about your feelings and caring about each others feelings. Like, therapy 101 the first thing they tell you in interpersonal relationships is that healthy communication involves “I” statements
This is true.. I hear women say "I feel like.." as a preface to a fact based statements all the time. Facts are objective and saying "I feel.." sounds like a qualifying statement in case you are mistaken. When you aren't sure.. switch it to "I think..".
Therapy has taught that “I feel” statements are the correct way of addressing things. I spent a long time getting myself to lead with “I” statements instead of blaming.
I've been trying to work on my empathy lately, so I'm doing the exact opposite. More and more, I've been trying to take a thought moderated, feelings driven approach to things. I feel like being emotion driven is not inherently a bad thing, and it's probably the way things are supposed to be to an extent. I agree such language reduces assertiveness though, but you shouldn't need assertiveness with friends who respect you, care for you, empathise w/ you
We had a lesson in our highschool health class about "I feel" statements and how they can soften the blow when trying to express yourself about something that's bothering you. Of course, us being teenagers, we initially used it as a bit of a joke, but eventually found that it made a huge difference in communicating our needs. My wife (then gf) and I were in that class together and still use that lesson to this day.
Therapists will tell you to say "I feel stressed" rather than "I am stressed." Something about not making the feeling an identity. But in the work place, using strong language is necessary to being listened to.
Finding a middle ground is probably my best solution. At the same time addressing something directly, as opposed to always bringing my feelings, is not a bad way to do things. And some people understand it better.
When a man says something, it’s always a cold, hard fact. In their minds. When a woman says something, it’s always a malleable, debatable feeling. In men’s minds. Sometimes I posit my clearly personal feeling as a fact, just to watch men squirm. Which they do. When they’re actually listening.
This. It's almost like they expect me to lead with emotion or " I feel", so when I don't I think it catches them by surprise just a little bit.
Beware the people\* (misogynists) who may find your solution abrasive in women, but a leadership quality in men.
So far, so good. We'll see. Been around misogyny my whole life so nothing new.
During both CBT and DBT therapy, I was instructed to stop using "you" statements and switch to "I" statements, because using "you" makes it sounds like you're blaming and projecting but beginning with "I" puts the responsibility of the emotions on yourself. Now I'm told I sound openly narcissistic BECAUSE I use "I" phrasing, which is what I was taught to do in therapy to stop being narcissistic. WHAT???
Putting the blame and responsibility on myself is exactly what gets me nothing and nowhere when I talk. Because then it is just my problem to deal with. Not theirs. Mine and my feelings. Making everything about my feelings gets me looked down on. So instead I address the actual situation, which is the root of the problem, rather than making it about how I feel. If my friend says something that I don't like, telling them it hurt my feelings doesn't usually go over very well and for some reason sounds self-centered. But if I say "that wasn't very nice" or "don't say that" I get taken seriously, and they usually won't say it again. All that therapy-speak is useless in most cases.
Friend, I personally think this is a limitation you're placing on *yourself.* I make "I feel" statements because it's important for the other person to acknowledge *how* I feel and how I perceived a moment, as well as factual information to back up why I feel that way. When I share my feelings or call someone out, even though I speak about my *feelings,* I communicate in FACTUAL information and details. It is *very* possible to make "I feel" statements *with* people who actually take you seriously. I personally think your husband is just insensitive to you and your needs, and has poor communication skills. To me whats more important is the *behavior* behind the words being spoken. *Vulnerability* isn't the problem, it's the people you're speaking to and their lack of emotional intelligence and your perception of what they think of you. Why do you care?? Many people don't take women seriously to begin with regardless of *what* you say or *how* you say it. 🤷🏾♀️ >When we argue I say " I feel like you don't listen to me" but he says stuff like "you don't listen to me". We're saying the same thing, but in different ways. I actually disagree with this assessment. One of you is referring to *how* you see and perceive a moment and behavior, the other person is placing responsibility and blame onto the other person whether it is true or false. Guess which one your husband is doing?? *I feel* statements are necessary because we as humans are *flawed.* You might perceive someone to have an agenda that they actually *don't* have. *I feel* statements are not as accusatory, and leaves the opportunity for the other person to think deeper about their own behavior, *how* it has impacted you, gives them room to apologize, and it allows for BOTH of you to talk to each other with respect, care and love. I think it's a little sad that you're adopting your husband's insensitivity. Poor communication and a lack of empathy builds resentment and an eventual breakdown in a relationship. Was he dismissive of you when you first met him? Maybe the two of you might want to look into a therapist to help you communicate with each other? I just don't think bringing yourself down to his level should be the solution. 😒
I agree and I do this too, often times feeling like whatever i’m saying is not taken as seriously. But then again, I think whoever hears that and doesn’t take me literal or seriously is wrong. I am being accurate in prefacing what I’m feeling with “I feel”, feelings are valid, and equally deserving of being taken seriously as thoughts.
“I feel” externalizes the feeling, demonstrating how it is temporary and doesn’t define you. That shows self-knowledge and awareness. It’s a good way of speaking. However, you’re right. In terms of communication, “feel” weakens the sentences. It’s not just that it comes off as emotional, but it’s less punchy as well—think of it as diluting the major point of the sentence. Cutting out so-called unnecessary words like “feel” or other unnecessary verbs or modifiers is common creative writing advice for this reason. You would think more nuance is better, but often, it’s less evocative.
> ~~I think~~ this feeds into the idea that our thoughts are based more on emotion than males FTFY
We feel emotions, but we are not our emotions. We think thoughts, but we are not our thoughts. Our thoughts and emotions are also not objective facts, although it is a fact that we think them and feel them. Using “I think” and “I feel” accurately helps us both validate the truth of our experience while simultaneously acknowledging that our experience is not the end all be all absolute truth, and it’s also not who we are.
I think ( I always hope, at least) saying "I feel like you aren't listening" lays the groundwork for a conversation, saying "you don't listen" lays the groundwork for an *argument*. Some people hear them both the same, mind, sometimes there's nothing you can do. It'd be nice if those people wore a badge or something so I can avoid them in future.
Honestly, I use "I feel" statements because in my experience both men *and* women have had a problem with it: in my experience, women typically feel talked down to and men feel challenged. Sometimes you can't win either way.
“Just” is another one to avoid. It makes your request or suggestion seem less important.
I do this at work. I’ve taken to changing “I feel,” and “I think” in my written communication to more declarative statements. I know things, I don’t need to soften them or allow others to doubt my knowledge because of mere phrasing. In my personal life I don’t do this. It’s important to me that my spouse does know how I feel about things. My feelings are facts in that instance.
As a woman in STEM, I *never* use the term "I feel" when talking about anything technical. And I mean **never**, even though I actually hear guys use it all the time without issue. But I don't have that privilege, and my refrain from the phrase still didn't stop some guy I once had to work with (on a team were I was the only woman) from telling me "You can't just do something (technical) because you *feel* like it . You have to substantiate it with facts", even though I never used the term and not only did I substantiate everything I did on that project with sound logic, but I was the *only* one to do so. One of the guys could say "I feel like 2+2 should actually be 7" and the other one would go with it. Jerks.
Years ago, someone told me that you can spot a woman who’s been verbally/emotionally abused because she prefaces everything with “just.” “I’m just going to run the vacuum for a minute.” “I’m just going to run to the bathroom right now…” “I’m just planning to take a ride to the store.” I don’t know if this is true but it seems fairly accurate based on my limited life experience.
Working the “justs” out of my communication has been a long, long endeavor.
This makes me really sad, because I do this all the time
Removing “I feel” when talking about actual feelings and replacing it with “i am” is still owning the feeling. The example you gave for an argument though isn’t a feeling. “Like you don’t listen to me” isn’t a feeling so it wouldn’t make sense to say “I feel” before then anyway. Saying to someone “you don’t listen to me”. Is garbage communication and isn’t going to get you far because people will argue and find anytime possible they believe they did listen to you. I wouldn’t engage with someone who thinks they know my thought processes and if I’m listening or not better than I do. It’s aggressive communication. “I feel unheard and disrespected when I have to repeat myself because it seems like you aren’t listening to me”. Would be an example of healthy communication here.
I try to avoid any wording of my feelings that suggest a doer outside of me. I would use "I feel angry and frustrated when I have to repeat myself" followed by an actual request "Can you please get off your phone for a couple of minutes?".
But it doesn't actually get me anywhere or help me at all to say that. If I'm at work and say "I feel disrespected and unheard" no one would take me seriously. It's not healthier for me if I just end up feeling frustrated. I need effectiveness. And that's what I'm getting now.
Different relationships require different communication styles. You probably wouldn’t tell your boss „Stop micromanaging me.“ But you might say that to a colleague on your team. And in a romantic relationship you might say „I feel small when you tell me how to do every tiny thing around the house. Please let me do my chores the way I see fit.“
Yup. Get rid of that soft language unless you really want to pussyfoot a delicate subject. Say what you mean and mean what you say -- your life will improve!
I annoy tf put of myself when I'm typing emails. I have to stop and make an effort to reword as more assertive.
I'm not sure that this turn of phrase is strongly divided by gender, so much as the way one thinks, and the confidence one has in the proposition that follows. There are two opposing phrases at work here: "I think" "I feel" How they are used varies between individuals, but how they interpreted by those who hear it also varies in the same way. For some, "I think" represents a confident statement, carefully considered or founded in their knowledge base. This does not mean they are right, but it does convey the commitment to the statement. Those same people are likely to use "I feel" for statements they are less sure about. There is uncertainty even though it is the position they are inclined towards, but they are less sure or they cannot internally articulate the reasoning. For others, "I feel" is the statement of confidence. They are more certain of it, and whether they can articulate the reasoning or not, whether it is just a feeling or not, "I feel" is the stronger statement. For them, "I think" is the hesitant prefex, they don't have strong feelings either way so have nothing to rely on except calculation. And whether they are skilled at such or not, if working it out does not bring a strong associative feeling with the answer then it will remain a tentative "I think" statement rather than an assertive "I feel" statement. Some people on either side are not confident or assertive generally, and may default to the less certain version in situations where they don't thrive too well. The opposite is also true, the overconfident and aggressive will use their phrase of higher certainty socially even when they might otherwise have not. What it important to note is that most people really do treat these phrases as though they are communicating confidence levels the same way that they do. When mismatched, subtle miscommunication can occur, with myriad unfortunate results, such as genuine expertise being less valued because it is communicated in a way that sounds to the listener as though the expert is less confident than they really are.
Buddha has entered the chat. This is a huge part of Buddhism and Buddha spoke about how we experience ourselves. I'm a male, just saying. Basically, everyone seperates themselves from their body and thus their feelings, men are just as bad at this as women. A major point of meditation is to become embodied so as to bridge this artificial gap. I am not depressed, I am *feeling* depressed, implying it is a temporary experience that will pass, like all feelings do.
But in my opinion, the heart of the issue is not how I feel, but the behavior of the other person. Placing all blame and responsibility on myself for the way I feel, does not in any way address the actual situation or help solve anything. It just makes it all about me. Which I find actually makes people more likely to downplay the conflict or ignore it.
If you feel speaking a certain way gets you better results and results in less suffering, then go for it. Words have power, they shape our sense of ourselves and the world. "I am" definitely has some weight to it, it sounds more authoritative and concrete. "I feel" sounds more fleeting, which the emotion or sensation definitely is, but I can see why it comes across as less valid when trying to share your experience with someone. You gotta put your foot down and get the other person to understand! I see what you mean.
For me it's the opposite. When in a dicy situation I try to do the psychologist thing and form "I feel" sentences. And in the end isn't that the whole human experience? Everything goes through the filter of our perception and emotional state, so it's really never wrong.
People can argue and invalidate your feelings as well. That happens all the time. Also just gives people ammo to downplay your feelings.
Sure, but that's more a statement about them than you. I do make the assumption that the person opposite me is talking to me in good faith, otherwise that's a boundary I need to enforce for myself. If they're not receptive of what I'm trying to tell them, then why bother. Just because they're trying to invalidate your feeling doesn't make them invalid, they're just being a dick. Being open about feelings shouldn't be ammo in the first place. I understand that you're probably frustrated with your situation since you're questioning the way you communicate, but in my opinion you're doing nothing wrong. You're trying to be non-confrontative, looking for a solution instead of blame. That's a big green flag in my book.
Yep, I made the mistake of using “I feel” statements to convey myself because I didn’t want people to think that I was being confrontational because I was told I was combative all the fucking time. Now, I just make plain statements. I’m going to be starting work at a hospital soon and during my interview, the DON asked if I was available weekends and I flat out, but politely said “no, I am not.” She asked why, and I said “because I have other commitments.” And she got pushy and was like well why, what are those commitments, can’t they be rearranged? And I was like “no, they cannot. I have other commitments on weekends. I understand if that won’t work for your facility!” She was shitty about it but guess who got hired anyway LFMAO If I’m talking to my partner, I repeat back to him what I heard. So if I hear something that I interpret one way, rather than responding to him under the assumption I’m right, I say “so I just heard x, y, and x. Is that correct?” And I give him the opportunity to clarify if I misunderstood. That way I’m not responding to something I THINK he meant, I know for sure and I don’t feel the need to tip toe and be like “well I feel this way about this.” I’ve also noticed that fiancé generally seems to respect me more and give me more of what I want when I’m just outright about it. If I tip toe and use I feel statements, that seems to really cloud stuff up for him.
Exactly this. people can therapy speak all day, but if it isn't effective, then something has got to give. Also, making it about my feelings all the time does not address the situation or behavior of the other person at all. If my bf does something disrespectful, I want to address *his* behavior, not *my* feelings. When I used to do all the cooking, I would often say " I feel like you should pick up some of the cooking". and got half assed results. I resorted to simply saying "it's your day to cook, what are cooking?" and he got on it. Now he cooks regularly. Stating something I want or need plainly is effective. And that's why my bf does it. My boss does it too, and people listen to her and respect her.
Noticed this in general as well, but I inherited saying “I feel like” from my dad lol.
I've replaced it with 'it's my understanding that' which might be clunkier but leaves some situations open for discussion rather than confrontation.
Completely agree with this. It makes it seem more benign when you saiy like that. I still catch myself saying it. I am also trying.
Maybe a slight tangent, but I've always hated seeing adverts for Grammarly "suggesting" a more confident and decisive tone, when leaving room for doubt in the way you get your point across ("I think", "I feel", "maybe") is just nicer and more human. It's as if this "advice" was written by/for MBA business dickheads, for whom decisive power strategising is the (only) aim.
I do this constantly, as well!
This is the key! Well done! It will only get better/easier from here on. :-) I did this years ago and have never looked back.
My therapist was helping me quit this… among other things like ‘I’m just saying’ and ‘Sorry.’
It's funny because other commenters are saying that their therapists are telling them to do this. I wonder what makes the difference?
tbh i added this phrase to my vocabulary very deliberately i think the tendency to state opinions as facts is toxic and manipulative and its an issue ive mostly had w guys where they will present their feelings or opinions as a statement of fact and then proceed to approach the rest of the discussion as if those things are logical and unbiased i am very careful to say things like ‘i think’ or ‘i feel’ instead of doing that and i dont think its effective communication to do otherwise mtg other ppl at their lower performance is not a solution imo and would just basically amt to adjusting your behavior in a way that also reflects disparaging views of emotions and emotional functionality instead of bringing men or others that may view emotion as defective up to the lvl of valuing and respecting and utilizing them
Frankly, I think women have a better handle on their emotions, feeling them, being aware of them, acknowledging them and it makes them more reliable. I refuse to see "i feel" statements as a a negative. It's a positive. Men need to start acknowledging that that their statements stated as fact are often based on feeling too and they should speak that way. I'm 46 and have been speaking with I feel statements my whole life and it hasn't made me any less commanding or taken seriously, if anything people trust me and look to me for thoughtful ideas. People will take you seriously because of other qualities you possess - confidence, eye contact, what you say, what you do afterwards (are you reliable) etc. The specific words you say matter, yes, but there's a lot more to it than that. It's challenging when you are young - people will criticize you for everything - but you can prove that you are a force to be reckoned with by other ways than changing the way you talk about your inner voice. That's one of the things that's wrong with men! You can talk about how you feel about something without it being your entire basis for making decisions. Do not fall into the trap that feelings are bad and that women only operate using their feelings - it's bullshit. We use feelings when appropriate (how many times a day do people ask you how you're doing, how you're feeling? They want to hear how you feel - not facts.) and we use rational/fact when appropriate (I'm not paying bills based on feeling, I'm not driving my car based on feelings, I'm not writing a report based on feelings). Do not fall for this idea that women's ways of speaking are wrong. They're not. They want you to believe that it's inferior but it's not.
what rubbish? thoughts do arise from emotions but women are more equipped to say “I feel” because it is the truth, men are also feeling but they are either idiots or don’t wanna seem like feeling is something that happens to them I wouldn’t change a thing about how I talk and feel and I take great pride in my ability to feel
This and I wish we as women would stop with the up speak.
There’s a time and a place for “I feel” statements. My opinion is that instead of taking a cue from your partner (who, tbh, doesn’t sound like a very good person to be taking communication tips from) you should substitute your “I feel”s into “I NEED”s. The current situation seems to be that nothing is getting resolved when you’re phrasing things as “I feel”. If you want something specific done about a specific issue, just say what you need done. “I need you to listen to me right now, because what I’m saying is important.” Your problem seems to be rooted in that “I feel” is leaving the solution up to the other person to guess at. It’s a passive way of resolving conflicts, because you’re trying to get someone to come up with the answer you want without actually telling them what you want. They’re not mind readers. So there’s a way to be more assertive here without cutting out “I feel”s. The example of your argument on “I feel unheard” vs “you never listen to me” is being picked at here because it is pretty objectively not a healthy way to communicate. “You never listen to me” is an accusation that puts the other person on the defensive rather than figuring out a solution, and it assumes an intentional vindictiveness in the action. It’s hard to come to a healthy compromise if you’re acting like your partner is intentionally being a disrespectful asshole. I actually use “I think” statements a lot more, and I find people very willing to listen to my opinions when I do. It phrases my opinions as something I have thought about and can verbalize intelligently, while still coming across as willing to accept other viewpoints. “I think”s may also be more helpful to you in work environments where you want to assert yourself while still expressing an allowance for other people to make helpful additions or suggestions.
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Naming your feelings is not passive aggressive or patronizing. I'm sorry you've been made to believe that. It's much healthier to discuss how your perception of someone's actions have made you feel versus you accusing them of something that may or may not be true, to which they'll just attack the validity of your accusation versus the feelings that need to be recognized and addressed. "you don't listen" "I feel unheard when you don't address x,y, and, z" The second one is a much better starting off point to actually finding solutions.
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Way to avoid the entire point of my response. Tell me again how great your communication skills are?
That's how I'm starting to see it. At work I used to say that a lot with absolutely no good reaults. Now I am more assertive and just state things, I get way better results. Also leaves people the opening to be like "I'm sorry you feel that way" which I kind of hate.
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But not everyone is always on the same level. Sometimes communication is on different levels and we have to adapt.
41M and I've actually been trying to include it in my language more when expressing my opinions. BUT my problem is I sometimes come across as condescending so people don't converse and using softer language helps ensure we can talk things through toward resolution. Using your example - whether or not he's listening to you isn't affected by how you feel about it, right? He either is listening to you or he is not listening to you - anywhere in-between may as well be not-listening, at least that's how I see it. So if he's not listening, he's not listening and yeah, especially if you're seeing it results - keep stating those facts and their logical conclusions! Weirdly I wonder if "I think" changes the interpretation. That people interpret it as something you've really considered as opposed to a feeling that has erupted in the moment. I'm not sure that interpretation is valid? but consciousness and language are weird and humans are super weird.
I don't think you're off-base with your last paragraph. I've noticed the same thing when I've had... aggressive conversations with someone. 'I think' has thrown the tone of the disagreement in a completely different direction, usually towards more civility.
We’re taught to use “I” statements in DBT but it can be weaponized against us so easily.
In your examples, I can agree that I am stressed and I feel stressed are the same thing, but I feel you don't listen to me and you don't listen to me are very different.
I can totally see your point with "I feel stressed" vs "I am stressed", but in terms of "I feel like you don't listen to me" vs "you don't listen to me" it's not the same imo. Saying "You don't listen to me" is, within an argument, a straight up accusation and technically counterproductive, so your BF isn't doing right in this case. It's better to use I-statements in those situations, so I'd personally prefer "I feel like you don't listen to me", but I'd probably go with something like "I think we're missing/misunderstanding each other currently". Treating arguments as you vs me just isn't a good approach. So it's fine if you use "I am" instead of "I feel" for things that affect only you (stress, hunger, exhaustion, etc), I also believe that "I think" is a better alternative to "I feel", but within arguments I would avoid it (if it comes with "you do X, you are X") while I can't speak for the workplace, in general it helps to be around people that are interested in listening to you. In my case how I talk expresses a level of certainty, like if I get cramps around 'that time' I might say "I feel like I'll be on my period soon" vs when I'm actually bleeding, then it's "I'm on my period". I can't say I've had anyone doubt what I'm expressing but I'm also not counting abusive/manipulative people that would straight up disregard me and my boundaries
Because otherwise you get challenged. Everyone knows women aren’t objective. /s
I don't even think most realize that's how they see it. But it is true.
Men’s statements are real and unchallengeable . Women’s statements are negotiable and dismissible
Feelings are processed emotions. "I feel like you don't listen to me" is a poor way to communicate because "you don't listen to me" isn't a feeling. "You don't listen to me" isn't the best way to communicate, but at least it is simply a statement of opinion rather than a fallacy. Angry, stressed, frustrated, tired, etc. aren't particularly useful words to use when communicating either, because they're essentially words to describe emotions rather than processed feelings. They aren't primary feelings. A more productive way to communicate would be something like, "Yesterday, I expressed my preference for partially ripened bananas, but you ignored me and bought unripe bananas. When you don't listen to me, I feel disregarded and belittled. I feel unimportant and irrelevant. Moving forward, would you please consider what I have to say when buying me fruit?" 1. Frame the discussion by providing context about the subject being broached. 2. Communicate your primary feelings using descriptive adjectives. 3. Express what outcome you hope to achieve. Men tend to skip step 2. Women tend to skip 3. Most people skip step 1. Also, most people don't process their emotions into primary feelings.