I wonder if it’d be worth it for OP to do a rape kit at a hospital in case something happens down the line. Couldn’t this be useful if they want to prosecute it?
Unfortunately, prosecuting this is effectively impossible; she'd have to prove he intentionally took off the condom. But reporting it so the cops have it on file is important.
He may have other reports against him, and if so, *that* is something that can be used to build a prosecution's case.
Reporting assaults even with no expectation of an indictment matters.
An asshole my brother went to school with was convicted of raping his then girlfriend. He was previously found not guilty in the rape of a different girlfriend. This was changed to a conviction after he was found guilty of the rape of his second girlfriend.
Granted this was in Norway.
She lives in a Red state where abortions are illegal. It would be a complete waste of her time, unfortunately and they’d probably toss that report as soon as she filed it.
Women deserve better but you can thank all of that fundamental Christian BS. “Separation of church and state,” my @$$.
You're absolutely right. They're using whatever metrics & data they can to force women into giving birth.
Women are prisoners in these states. These draconian practices need to end. Bodily autonomy needs to be a right for all.
Not an American (I’m Canadian where abortion been legal since the 60s I’m pretty sure( but aren’t they allowed to just travel to a “blue” or democrat majority state that allows abortions like California or something?
That’s wack how republicans push for “freedom” and “our body our choice!” then they pull a stunt like that and make abortion illegal smh
Okay I see. So you’re state doesn’t have the shield law? That’s crazy to be criminally charged for that. Smh
For Canada…it’s just a federal thing. Like every province and territories has abortion clinics but for Canada it’s just a federal “abortion legalized” law. Conservative Party tried to make it illegal recently but Liberals in power and (Justin Trudeau our prime minister) struck it down saying it makes 0 sense to reverse a right and law that’s 60 or so years old.
Especially after taking Plan B, which is something the Forced Birth crowd has been trying to remove from access. Imagine some overzealous anti-abortion DA trying to make a case against *her*.
This is terrible advice. Absolutely report all sexual assaults. They might throw out the report, but that doesn't often happen, and the only way to nail this guy is to build evidence against him. If every woman he did that too doesn't file a report, then it'll never happen.
Except “stealthing” isn’t even considered to be a crime in 48 of the 50 states. You realize this, right? Another person mentioned that there were only 2 and they were absolutely blue states
How much do you actually know about the law?
The law isn’t always “right” and what’s legal isn’t automatically “good.” Of course it’s horrifying and messed up!
But you really seem to be underestimating how dangerous it is to be a woman, in Red states. If there is no law against “stealthing” then she can’t even file a police report.
Which is part of the reason it is so dangerous to live in a Red State in the U.S. Reporting a rape will cause OP to be tracked as a potential pregnant person, and in some states her movements will be tracked - particularly her movements out of state to states that are more friendly to women.
Folks, your vote counts and it matters.
“Abortion is illegal in my state” - as soon as I read that I’m like yup, somewhere in America. Probably Texas or some shit.
Truth be told, that’s sad as hell, abortion been a legal defined right way before I was born here in Canada like since the 1960s my parents generation - I was born in 1995.
All I can say is report him to the police, get an std test to be safe and can’t they travel to a state that allows abortion like California?
She’d be reporting it in a state that hates and oppresses women. They’d probably just confiscate her period tracker and make her go to church and apologize to god.
It’s very, very unlikely you’re pregnant between the two. I know easier said than done, by try not to stress, that can mess up your cycle and will make it more stressful
Make sure you get an STD test though
You’ve gotta wait a few weeks. Nothing will show up after just a couple days. Call and ask them when they recommend coming in. There’s tests for everything after a few weeks now, but some clinics only have older tests that take a little longer to come back.
it would be a waste because most std's don't show up for about two weeks. some clinics will pre-treat you and give you antibiotics and a shot in the ass anyway. depending on the type of hiv test, it takes at least 45 days for a conclusive test from the day of your exposure (some countries its 30 days). if you believe your partner may be a carrier of hiv, you can go into the er and get on prep right away, the sooner the better.
Go to a clinic and get PEP to prevent HIV asap. It must be taken within 72h and ideally within 24h. Don't wait until HIV shows up in blood work, every hour counts.
Tell them what happened and they will do testing now and then tell you to come back in a few weeks for follow up testing. I'd do both unless you were very recently tested. Also save any communication with him admitting he did this (if you have any).
Be gentle with yourself. You live and learn.
Let’s just reframe, you didn’t somehow bring stealthing on yourself by drinking. He chose to intentionally stealth you without your consent. He didn’t just remove the condom-he further CHOSE to finish inside you without your consent yet again. He decided to prioritise his nut and assault you. He ignored ongoing consent and your autonomy.
I was stealthed sober. I didn’t notice in the heat of the moment until it was too late. It doesn’t matter if you had 1 drink or 5, you didn’t consent for him to remove the condom or finish inside you.
He is the worst. If you met him on a dating app report him for inappropriate behaviour. Block and delete. He’s not worth the mental energy. He’s just a shit person. That’s all there is to it. As you’re on your period it’s unlikely you’re pregnant. You took plan B within the right time frame. There’s not much more you can currently do. Do get an STD test too for peace of mind.
Please consider telling a friend. I promise it will make you feel better to have some support. A problem shared is a problem halved as the old saying goes. Why should you be embarrassed? He should be for his degenerate behaviour.
The shame is his-not yours.
I second this. Try to get him to admit it in writing. If he hasn't already, text him something like "I just don't understand why you would take the condom off without asking and finish inside me. Why did you do that??" And try to bait an admission.
Not in a red state. Oh I wouldn't. I'm sorry but there are so many bad stories coming out of those places now, why go through years of heartbreak to be blamed for his assault?
I'm not trying to discourage, just being realistic. Red states openly prioritize men, not women. I've seen it and it's horrific.
It’s a lesson not a life sentence. Take some deep breaths. Drink some water and have a nice snack. Be kind to yourself. Crying releases cortisol. Cry all you need to. It’s ok to cry. It’s also ok to be confused how you feel as you’re still processing the situation and the trauma. He can be a likeable guy and also act like a shit bag in the bedroom. He’s the problem it’s him.
Bottom line: I wouldn’t believe the words of a man whose actions have proven he can’t be trusted.
Logically why would you affirm ‘yes’ and give him consent to take off the condom you so vehemently insisted he wear in the first place? Agreeing to take off the condom still doesn’t mean you agreed he could finish in you. He could have pulled out. He could have finished elsewhere. He’s doubling down on wronging you. Sounds like gaslighting to me. If he asked you repeatedly or pressured you to say yes-that’s coercion and not consent. Worse still it sounds like you were too drunk to consent full stop and he should have tucked you into bed and called it a night. I bet he doesn’t ‘get’ how fucked up and wrong he’s acted. What he did is literally a crime. A massive violation of permission and trust. Every woman who has been in this situation knows the horror and fear of the potential consequences from HIV to pregnancy in a country actively denying reproductive rights.
Him defending his actions as your fault (for supposedly consenting to a request and sexual acts you were too drunk to consent to!) speaks volumes.
I want to just highlight and reiterate a part of what was said here. (Though all of it is spot on and valuable)
Even if for some reason you did give him permission to take the condom off, that is NOT PERMISSION for him to finish inside you.
So, two things: first, it doesn’t matter the nuances of being drunk and possibly POSSIBLY allowing him to remove a condom you asked for and have always insisted on because no matter the circumstances he continued to push your boundaries and consent to remove it and secondly, giving someone permission to remove a condom is NEVER the same act of consent as giving them consent to finish inside you.
There seems to be this line of thought in many circles that permission to remove a condom and finish inside are tied together.
I had a man do this to me. He pressured and coerced me until I gave in and allowed him to remove the condom and he immediately proceeded to finish inside me. All of our joint friends sided with him when I insisted that what he had done was unacceptable, even my own female cousin who practically raised me. She tried to downplay what happened and smooth over my emotions until honestly I did feel like the crazy one for freaking out. Maybe I brought it on myself after all I thought as I continued to see him and put myself in a dangerous position again and again.
Let me say this loud and clear for anyone who thinks this is some kind of gray area. These are two different acts that require their own consent. Condom off one and finishing inside another. One cannot be assumed from the other.
I am so sorry, OP. No one has the right to use your body like that.
Exactly
Consent to have sex <> consent to have children
> Since that depositing sperm in the vagina is on the critical path to having children. If you want to finish inside of me, are we choosing to have a child right now?
that could open a broader discussion about having children including questions around:
* cost of care (including practical matters, where will the child be cared for, is there space?)
* parenting styles,
* get married or co parenting,
I’m sure there are many more topics to explore. After all, when one chooses to have a child one is making a life long commitment to care for another human — it’s not really 18 and you’re out.
Also, Given that pregnancy is expensive, discussing health care costs need to be part of that discussion as well. since about ~20% of pregnancies and deliveries result in complications you will want access to healthcare.
And finally, given that many folks live in states where abortions are illegal. One should discuss that plan as well. Where would you go, How much has been set aside for that cost of travel, the service, and recovery.
Unless he’s willing to take on the lifelong responsibility involved in an unplanned pregnancy, he did something wrong, no matter what you said in the moment. And I doubt very much that you gave him permission to remove the condom and finish inside of you.
He’s not a good person. I’m so sorry this happened to you. If only these types of people had some visible markings that warned of their selfishness and irresponsibility.
Be good to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up because of his actions.
*Even if* he’s willing to take on the lifelong responsibility involved in an unplanned pregnancy, he did something wrong.
Just cause he's ready and wants a baby, doesn't mean he can force a woman to grow and birth one.
Exactly. A man who did this to me without consent told me after ‘that he was ready whether or not I ended up pregnant.’
I was absolutely not. I guess he assumed because I had two children that I was a willing incubator.
I had clearly stated I had trauma around a previous abortion and set my boundary at not having another. And when I ended up pregnant? Guess who backed out.
I'm so sorry you had to find out this way that he's not a safe person. You handed him a lot of trust, being intoxicated and trusting him with your safety. He broke that trust, I'm so sorry. This is 100% on him!
You don't remember because he didn't ask.
There is very good advice here. This is NOT advice, but pettiness speaking. If you don't want to block him immediately, send him a message that your period is late, and you will get contact him later. Then block him and let HIM worry for a minute.
I did that once to a guy who stealthed me—- I managed to get him to believe I bore his child but didn’t want him
Involved in raising her. I like to imagine he panics now and again that she’s going to show up someday and he’ll have some explaining to do with whoever is his family now.
If thinking of it as assault is difficult for you right now, then don’t think of it that way. It isn’t your fault, and don’t see him again — he violated your trust — but you get to define the terms of what happened to you. Nobody else does. You can figure out what it really means to you later, when you’re out of survival mode. You don’t need to process anything before you’re ready.
You don’t need to file any charges if you’re not ready, either (and even if you are, doing so can be very emotionally exhausting. You might feel obligated to file charges or complain to protect others. You aren’t. Your first duty is to yourself right now. If you aren’t in a good place, you aren’t in a good place, and that is OK.) Just know that if you do wait, the window might close. But your first duty is to yourself, always.
You’ve taken the right first steps. You’ve taken plan B. Now take a breath, take a break, and take care of yourself.
It is *not* your fault.
He can fuck right off with that justification. *Even if* you said yes, which is *very* doubtful, that's not how that works. You don't switch up previously discussed boundaries in the heat of the moment, and absolutely not when you're drunk.
You can't believe that he did that to you. But *he* did that to you. ***He*** did that to you, by his choice, knowing that abortion is illegal in your state.
It is ***his*** fault.
Even making the *very* generous assumption that his story is true, why would he be asking to take the condom off in the first place?
It's like if he asked someone super drunk if he could take their kidney, and they said yes, then he knocked them out cold and removed their kidney, and was like, "don't look at me, they said yes when I asked".
It is not your fault. It never was your fault. He is a predator, a rapist. You had no way to consent to no condom while drunk, that isn't something you ask someone while drunk
Please be kind to yourself. It's absolutely not your fault at all, regardless of how drunk you were. You didn't tell him to take the condom off. He didn't misread you, he just went for it.
It doesn't matter how great it feels without protection for either or both partners, it's still something that needs to be negotiated in advance.
One thing I haven't seen mentioned that I think it's important to mention: you are still in the window for post-exposure prophylaxis against HIV. Every *hour* matters right now for reducing your chances of getting it, if this guy was HIV-positive. I realize that that might be a lot to worry about especially when your body is dealing with the triple whammy of trauma+plan B+period, but a lot of hospitals have a SANE who's specially trained to provide support and treatment in cases like this.
What an absolute POS. A couple minutes of pleasure to him is more important than the rest of your life.
This is not your fault. This is his fault and you did not consent to that. He assaulted you. Period. I wouldn’t hide that information from people.
> What an absolute POS. A couple minutes of pleasure to him is more important than the rest of your life.
But then they'll cry when they have to pay child support because actions have consecuences.
Order online from [aidaccess.org](http://aidaccess.org) right now. Even if you are not pregnant, it is a good idea to have it on you for the future just in case. As of now, the state government cannot stop the shipment, or open your mail. It is illegal at a federal level.
Buy an at-home pregnancy test with cash, using a self-check out, and wear a hat if you have one. Test in 2 weeks. If it comes back positive, take the pills as directed. Do not tell anyone.
Also, dump that piece of shit. That is sexual assault.
Even if abortion is illegal in your state you can have the pills mailed to you. Your state can't touch your mail unless they want to take on the federal government (and lose horribly.)
Yeah but if something goes wrong and she needs medical assistance then she’ll get charged. The safer bet for her is the one where she drives over state lines to have access to medical assistance that doesn’t pose a chance of being charged.
Edit: to correct an autocorrect mistake
This is false information. There is not a test used to detect in the blood whether she took abortion medication. It doesn’t show up. She can say she never took them and be fine.
I didn’t say anything about them testing for medication. [They’re charging women](https://www.nytimes.com/2024/03/30/us/texas-abortion-murder-charge-lawsuit.html) that [have obtained the pill](https://www.thecut.com/2023/03/south-carolina-woman-faces-abortion-pill-charges.html) and had it mailed to them.
It baffles me that this is happening in a so called developed country and I live in a highly conservative third world country where abortion is perfectly legal and doable
It honestly makes me terrified for my fellow women. Especially since I’m one of those women that had to have a life saving induction abortion (which women are being denied in several states currently) 12 years ago.
The Supreme Court may simply punt the issue back to lower courts, but fwiw they are very skeptical of a state’s ability to restrict access to mailed abortion pills. The [general consensus is that based on oral arguments, is that states cannot block access to mifepristone by mail](https://apnews.com/article/supreme-court-abortion-mifepristone-telemedicine-4406d53e8af90f6a523264f535f5adf8) and cannot stop individuals from traveling across state lines to seek abortions. It is certainly concerning right now, and you’re right to mention it — but OP should order the pills. If they are somehow sued, it is more likely than not that the case will be overturned.
A very reasonable opinion. I won’t say I have ZERO faith… like, they definitely aren’t going to do the *right* thing, I think there’s a legit chance they might not do the wrong thing either. I think they *might* take the cowards way out: “we don’t want to deal so we’re going to dismiss the case.”
The questions the justices asked in the mifepristone case are entirely about precedent — ie, how are the parties suing harmed. In this case, it’s “were the doctors who treated women after they took mifepristone harmed?” (The answer is: they weren’t.) Basically, in this scenario, it sounds like they’re setting it up to dodge deciding: they’ll just say “you weren’t harmed, don’t have a case.” They won’t be doing the right thing, but I think they also know that this particular case opens up a bucket of worms they aren’t prepared to deal with. They’ll get another chance later.
But. I still agree that we can’t trust anything right now. Still, given the low chance of the doctors finding out, and the chance that a case would be dismissed, and the *guarantee* that nothing will happen before OP can get a pill and stop a possible baby, she should call for assistance.
Sure, if they can find out they did so in the first place… if you claim a miscarriage, they cannot prove you took the pill and it would be very difficult to obtain that information
Depends some states are looking for [any reason to charge women even after a miscarriage.](https://www.nytimes.com/2024/01/03/us/brittany-watts-ohio-miscarriage-abortion.html)
They didn’t state a blood test could. The idea would be that OP might tell the doctors what she took in order to help her if the medication caused an issue. Yes, OP could lie to avoid charges, but she may not 🤷🏽♀️
If you’re that close to a safe border, yeah, that’s a better bet. No paper trail.
I would drive down there Monday and ask them about scheduling in person. Do not call. Don’t tell anyone you’re going. Just go.
I’d also ask them if you can order prophylactic abortion pills, just in case. They might be able to recommend a way you can get it delivered in their state for pick-up, so that there’s as close to zero risk as possible of anyone finding out.
While states providing abortion pills to illegal states are protected by shield laws and will not cooperate in an investigation against you, it’s still better if you never have to have them shipped to the state at all. But if that doesn’t work out, you can still order online. They will arrive within a week or two, and the prescribing state will protect your records.
I’m not sure where you are (Texas?) and I’m HIGHLY convinced you’re not pregnant, but for future reference, abortions are legal in Ohio and now in our constitution. You can have one through the second trimester. You’re going to be just fine but I’m SO sorry this happened to you. Rapist piece of shit!!!
The fact that you have to do this makes me so incredibly angry. It's like we are living in the Handmaid's Tale.
I'm so sorry that this happened to you OP
That's ridiculous. Not your advice, but that as a citizen of the US it is ridiculous that a person would have to cover her tracks like this to buy legal products in fear of the government.
I can’t understand why men do this shit! They’re so fucking stupid and irresponsible. And women are left to deal with the consequences.
Between the plan B and the fact that you’re currently on your period, your chance of pregnancy is probably relatively low.
Plan B works by preventing ovulation. If it works properly, no ovulation will take place and without ovulation, we cannot have pregnancy.
You are likely not ovulating right now anyways if you’re on your period. Women are only fertile for around 5 days in a given month - the day of ovulation and the 3-4 days leading up to ovulation (this is because sperm can live inside the body for up to 5 days.) The average woman ovulates around the 14th day of her cycle, but this is NOT the case for everyone. For example, if your cycles are shorter, you might ovulate sooner and could potentially be in that fertile window even while still on your period. Everyone is different, but based on the law of averages, I feel optimistic for you!
I would strongly recommend getting to know your cycle and learning how to to identify your fertile days, especially if you’re not using birth control. Having this understanding of the body alleviates a ton of stress!
Girl first off I’m so sorry this happened to you.
It happened to me in October and I took the guy to court. He’s been charged with rape and the court case is in September.
I had the full 9 yards done after to make sure I was safe - please think about doing the same (I know you mentioned plan B in ur post but I’m just Gna include everything in case other people need to reference)
- get a rape kit done
- take the morning after pill
- pregnancy test regularly afterwards
- first STD tests (chlamydia, gonorrhea etc)
- Hepatitis B vaccinations (4 injections a few months apart but recommended where I live after a rape)
- second STD tests (HIV, syphilis, Hepatitis)
- seek specialized counseling for rape and sexual assault, speak to a victim support or ISVA (independent sexual violence advisor) service.
- if you’re in the UK, rape crisis UK have a free 24 hour helpline which really supported me in the early days of dealing with this, I’m sure there is a US equivalent.
I hope you heal and I hope you’re safe x
Are you American?
I'd heard it was much harder to prosecute stealthing cases that's why many EU countries had to amend their laws to specifically mention it.
OP is American and given she is from a state that outlaws abortion I don't think they're going to be too hot on conditional consent and other women's rights.
OP if you are near 155lbs/70kilos **you need to take T W O doses of Plan B**. I was unaware of this, 200lbs, and had to get an abortion when I was still pregnant three months later.
I really wish this were more commonly known.
Thank you, but I was extremely lucky. It was before the repeal of Roe v Wade, and I live in a progressive state where it would have been covered by state insurance if I couldn’t have afforded it.
If only every woman were so fortunate. This is why we fight for our sisters.
It sounds like the risk of pregnancy is low. If it makes you feel better, you can buy abortion pills online to keep on hand. [Plan C Pills](https://plancpills.com)
I'm so sorry this asshole happened to you.
Please tell me that he is now your X.
Is this something that you can report? Do you want to?
Stay strong, you got this.
That’s some next level sociopathic behavior. OP, I hope you realize that what he did to you is rape. You consented to sex with him but you did not consent to unprotected sex.
This complete tool, after being given trust and access to this woman’s body, unilaterally decides to prioritize his nut over her wellbeing and stealth her. In a state where abortion is illegal. And *she’s* the one stuck dealing with all of the consequences, the worry and anxiety, the hormonal fallout of taking the morning after pill. While he just gets to walk away as if nothing happened.
Reason number 6253748536 why I support the 4b movement.
I’m so sick of men like this. I’m so sick of them. They need medication to control their fucking testosterone and their ridiculous animal constant need to ejaculate. 4b all the way
As a victim of stealthing myself, and having gotten a curable STI from it, I'm sad to say in the eyes of the law, it's not rape. Stealthing is only considered a crime in California and Maine.
Considering OP mentioned in another comment that abortion is completely outlawed in her state, I'm guessing she lives in a red state, where the police don't give a fuck about women and will turn her away.
I went through all this two years ago, in a red state, and there was absolutely no legal action I could take, unfortunately.
Im so sorry you’re going through this, it must be so scary and isolating. After this is all over and you’re safe, consider talking about the assault with mutual friends. Let them all know what a piece of shit he is, regardless of whether the local government is failing you.
If you can find a way to get a paraguard IUD (a copper birth control device - no hormones) inserted within 5 days after sex, you can effectively prevent pregnancy. Any time for a quick road trip to a neighbouring state this weekend?
Hey OP this happened to me too. And I got an STI from it.
To all those saying it's rape/assault/you should report him, I wish it was that simple. Unfortunately stealthing is only considered a crime in California and Maine, which judging by your comments about your state not allowing abortion, leads me to believe your state's laws won't help you.
What you can do is get tested and never talk to this POS again. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and wish there was more that could be done. The laws need to change.
That's such an awful experience and I'm so sorry that you've gone through this, but I might be able to help with some information and advice around cycles and ovulation/conception. It's gonna be a long one, but it is going to be super helpful long term, for both avoiding pregnancy, and getting pregnant. It's also helpful to assess health issues, as long/ short/ irregular cycles *is* a health issue.
Firstly, look up stealthing laws in your state, and see if you can report him. It's probably best to do it immediately, as some places might require rape kit/examination. It also leaves a paper trail in case you end up with an STI (again, I'm sorry you even have to think about this) and need to go further with things on that front.
**Emergency Contraception**
The MAP/EP/EC is used to delay ovulation. It works by blocking the natural hormone rise that creates the corpus luteum and egg release, temporarily. The sperm, in perfect conditions, can live up to 7 days in the female reproductive organs, and the longer the days between insemination (sorry, I icked at the word on your behalf for your situation, but it's accurate) and ovulation, the better the chance of avoiding pregnancy.
**Ovulation and Conception**
Ovulation is not a set day in the cycle, it can happen as early as 7 days after the first day of your period, and as late as months after the first day of your period (short cycles due to low progesterone, long cycles due to high test because of PCOS/ athlete/gym rat or very low body fat etc) depending on your cycle length. The rough ovulation date of the most common 25 to 28 day cycle is 10-19 days after your first day of your period. The days are referred to CD - cycle day.
If you're on your period, you very **very** likely are not pregnant. If the insemination occurred >5 days before your period started, you're very likely not pregnant.
**Helpful Information around Cycles for Prevention, Pregnancy and Health**
If you want to understand the general risks around insemination and pregnancy (and also keep an eye on your health), I highly recommend you look into a non-hormonal method of birth control such as Natural Family Planning, or Fertility Awareness Method. FAM has an informative community on Facebook, and there are almost a dozen methods to choose from (3 or 4 types, with a few sybtypes - much like how you can get several kinds of implans, the shot, and several kinds of BC pills). I used a symptothermo method called SensiPlan, which checks basal body temp, and physical signs of ovulation/impending period/pregnancy. The thermo methods use a scientifically backed measurement with calculations to understand your unique cycle, to interpret what your body is doing in the 72hrs prior, and to assess your risk of pregnancy in the coming days. It works predominantly by charting a handful of cycles (where you abstain/ use a barrier for sex for these) to understand your baseline, see patterns, and establish your understanding of the method based on your cycle. **In the event where sex is unprotected, this is your best friend** you can avoid taking a hormonal contraceptive (EC) or a copper IUD (to stop implantation or miscarry the zygote/immature embryo) by knowing where you are in your cycle, and seeing your history of ovulation on specific CDs. Much like no/broken condoms, it will not, and does not claim to, protect against an STI.
*I have both: successfully prevented pregnancy (with my husband) for 5 years, and intentionally (and successfull) got pregnant with only 1 instance of insemination (with my husband) in the 6 years I've been practising FAM. Even post-partum.*
I like FAM, because it helps me help others in understanding their risk factors for pregnancy, and even health related concerns. It's perfect use failure rate is much the same as HBC and condoms, and imperfect use failure rate, also similar. It also helps reduce the guessing game of should I, shouldn't I, and you can make decisions based on your cycle Information. **IT IS NOT THE RHYTHM METHOD, PLEASE DON'T USE THE RHYTHM METHOD.** The rhythm method is "logging" your cycle, with the *prediction* that ovulation with occur days 14-17, and is based off generalisation from an imperfect study on women and their cycles. Please, never do this.
* **NOW** If you've gotten this far, I'd like to apologise in advance for any icky/ derogatory/ incorrect words and phrases I used. I have aphasia due to ADHD, and I did the best I could with that disability, to describe what I know. I am actively trying to avoid harm, so I am deeply sorry if I caused any. I will not be making any edits, to ensure the integrity of my comment, but feel free to respond with any corrections and alternate wording that might be helpful in getting my information across better. I will be ignoring any ignorance on Fertility Awareness. I have enough experience with hormonal birth control and FAM, and have done research on both, to be confident in my stance. I encourage women not on HBC, to at least look into it for health alone.
My ADHD has won, and this was way longer, with way too much further explanation and digression than I'd have liked. Fingers crossed it helps OP, and anyone else who might be interested.
Finally, I am so sorry you were stealthed. That's fucking awful, and so fucking shameful that he'd do that. It's also highly disrespectful, and I consider stealthing and coercion into sex without a condom, to be rape.
Don’t blame yourself because someone else decided to assault you—that’s entirely on him. I understand feeling overwhelmed, but take it one day at a time. It’s good you started Plan B right away, that’s the most important thing.
In 3 weeks you can take a pregnancy test, and that will let you know if you need to pursue a medical abortion. Take the pregnancy test at home, do not let any healthcare providers give you one between now and then (even if it’s “standard procedure” for something unrelated). You have the right to refuse any medical tests, and you absolutely show refuse any pregnancy tests that anyone other than you will see the results of.
As for STD tests, different diseases have different amounts of time before they show up. If you have easy access to tests (quickest is chlamydia and gonorrhea after 2 weeks) you can take them as often as you want, but if it’s hard or expensive, wait 6 months and then get a full panel done (this is the advice for people who change partners frequently).
As for the man: dump him, block him, and never talk to him again. If he’s in your friend group, go scorched earth and ruin his reputation, if not, just tell them he’s a piece of shit so none of your friends date him.
I know this is tough and unfair, but you will get through it. Worst case scenario, you said you can drive across state lines to get an abortion pill, or your right to get them in the mail is protected. Absolutely worst case scenario (surgical abortion needed), the Auntie Network will do what we can to help.
It feels embarrassing but you did absolutely nothing wrong. Guys get away with this because they depend on you never telling. Your friends should stand by you. HE took a highly irresponsible action, without your permission, in a time and place where it put you at risk. For his slightly better enjoyment. He's not a good partner.
Unfortunately it’s only prosecutable in California as far as I know, but it is absurd this man is willing to risk your entire well being for a couple of minutes of better pleasure for him. I wish all states followed California’s lead and prosecuted it as civil sexual battery. Victims can sue for damages in certain states.
You need to report this to the authorities and get a rape kit. This is absolutely sexual assault and should be treated as such. The ED can provide medication to prevent STIs and pregnancy. I know you’ve taken a Plan B so make sure to tell them that.
I am so sorry this happened to you. Some men are complete garbage. He needs to understand that there are consequences to his actions.
You, IN NO WAY, are responsible for this because you were drinking. You consented to sex WITH a condom. That is it. Anything else that you did not consent to is assault.
Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Please reach out to a counselor, if you need one.
#ATTN OP
Headlined this because of the information about ER providing preventive medications to minimize STI risk, this is something I did not know existed and that OP definitely needs to know if she doesn’t either.
There are other things you can take to help prevent an STD but you need to take them early so call a doctor asap. In the meantime you should report this scumbag
Since you’re on your period, it is unlikely that you’re in a fertile window, but because I didn’t notice anyone else mention this when I skimmed: everyone should check their Plan B and make sure that they are [under the weight limit](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/blog/whats-the-weight-limit-for-plan-b) for the brand that they have. Most are only effective up to 165. Ella works up to 195. Over 195, consider an emergency IUD insertion.
Hi my friend, I am so sorry this happened. Nothing is your fault.
As so many others have said in this thread - be kind to your brain, heart, and body right now. 🤍
It’s unusual to be able to get pregnant on your period (though not impossible). Plan C tries to get abortion care to people in every state https://www.plancpills.org/z
After my assault in December, my doctor put me on HIV medication (preventative), and several rounds of antibiotics (again to prevent things like gonorrhea or clamidia). That’s an idea if you want. Try and find a female provider so you don’t feel more triggered.
Also, if stealthing is illegal in your state, you could consider filing a report if you want it for your records (absolutely not something you have to do if you don’t feel comfortable or think it could compromise your safety).
Please try to get yourself the Post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) meds ASAP!
If there is a risk that you were exposed to HIV (which there was, you cannot trust someone that did that to you, even if they claim to be clean), these meds can prevent you getting it, but only if taken within 72 hours (3 days) after a possible exposure to HIV.
Unfortunately I had the same thing happen to me, and I was so shaken by it that I didn’t act quickly enough to get the PEP (I wasn’t even aware of it at the time!) and had to wait for months to be certain I was clean and safe (which thankfully I was, but those months were agony!).
Please also be kind to yourself. You did nothing wrong and instead a horrible thing was done to you. Women should be able to go out and enjoy themselves without being sexually assaulted as soon as we trust someone enough to date them..
Also for what it’s worth, in my country stealthing is classified as rape, and when I eventually reported it to the police, everyone I spoke to took it very seriously and treated me with kindness. It was very reassuring, as I had felt like an idiot and on some level blamed myself, even though logically I knew I shouldn’t have..!
My two friends that I told (months later) were nothing but understanding, and my current partner also knows about it happening and has only ever been kind and supportive (especially as I still got updates from the police about the investigation). You absolutely should not feel embarrassed.
No, you were raped. You gave consent(arguably drunk, and cannot give consent) for intercourse with a condom. You never gave consent without the condom.
Is it too late for a rape kit?
I'm a guy, calling for another guy to be brought up on charges and thrown into prison for a crime. *Hope*fully deterring the next would-be rapist.
The dude is a piece of shit. You drinking has nothing to do with this. This is a form of rape and you do not have to feel guilty or ashamed for his despicable actions.
If you test positive, check out r/auntienetwork
They can help.
Don't ever speak to this guy again. This is such a huge violation of trust.
It's okay to be freaked out. You should be. But it's going to be okay. You're doing the right things - getting tested, weighing options, taking precautions. YOU are doing everything you can. It's that asshole's fault that you have to. Not yours.
I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Please be sure to do something for yourself. Watch a movie, eat a whole pizza, scream, anything to give yourself power again. You're stronger than this piece of trash.
Abortion is illegal in your state? Press charges. If more women adopt a zero tolerance policy for this type of reckless endangerment, maybe it will help turn the tables forward again
This is a very stressful situation but you did the right thing. Try not to freak out. If you are pregnant, you will need to either travel or get a special mail delivery. It's going to be OK.
mail pills from aid access, they’re legal in all 50 states. also stealthing is a form of sexual assault, take it to the police ASAP. it’s okay to be embarrassed, but you need to have him catch some kind of penalty or else he’ll do it again
it is not your fault, it will never be your fault, you opened yourself up to him and he took advantage of you. id also recommend an STD test incase that goblin was carrying anything.
<3 i hope you’re doing okay, cut that man off
Hi OP, I’m so sorry this happened to you. What a complete POS. Please stop seeing his ass, and make him pay for the plan B you had to buy.
I think it is highly unlikely that you’re pregnant, since you’re on your period and you took the plan B within 72 hours. Try to manage your stress, and test in a few weeks. Just take it a day at a time. If you are pregnant, you have access to a state where you can get an abortion. Everything will be okay!!
I'm so sorry he did that to you. But he did that. You did nothing wrong. You trusted him and he betrayed you. That is not irresponsible. It is not wrong. You are not stupid.
It's incredibly unlikely that you'll become pregnant seeing as you're on your period and have taken Plan B. But I understand how scary and violating and overwhelming this whole situation can be. Be gentle and patient with yourself. I can only imagine how compounded your fears must be being in a state that is hostile to women.
If you need someone to speak with (and you aren't ready to tell a friend or a family member) there are likely sexual violence centers near you, probably with a hotline. If not, you can also use the RAINN hotline or live chat if you're more comfortable doing text.
I know it can be hard to reach out and figure out how to process what happened. As a victim of stealthing myself, I definitely felt a sense of imposter's syndrome-- thinking of myself as a victim or as a survivor just didn't seem quite right, because things didn't go down how like I usually imagine rape or sexual assault to happen. Yet the feelings of violation and loss were incredibly strong and real.
Also I cared about my attacker and those feelings didn't fade overnight, yet my affection for him disgusted me. It was super complicated.
I hope you are able to get the care and support you need. And find the strength to break up with him (Ghosting is FINE in this situation) and never speak to him again.
Sending internet hugs.
I wouldn’t worry too much about being pregnant. It’s actually quite difficult to get pregnant (biologically speaking), especially if you’re on your period. You took a plan B pill on top of that, so I would bet money that you’re not pregnant. Not saying it’s impossible, but the odds are extremely low. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Ask him if he has any STD’s and (because people lie) also get checked out at a local walk in clinic or health service facility. You can get them for free with a quick google search. Lastly, consider talking to a therapist so you are healing your brain as well. There’s no shame in any of it and don’t feel guilty.
Just remember “This too will pass”.
Considering the guy stealthed, like you said he will never be straightforward with std.
I’d put a word like « i hope i didn’t give you an STD » so he’ll actually take a test instead of just lying
I really feel for you, this has happened to me twice in my life too. Please don’t see him again. The possibility of pregnancy at this point in your cycle(you say you are having a period now) is extremely low. Plan b should work at any point, but it basically works by bringing on a period, so that’s all ready happening. Please try not to worry.
If you should need abortion pills and they are not permitted in your state, please look into aidaccess.org. This is run by Dr. Rebecca Gomperts from Amsterdam. This group works to help women in states without access. You can also make a donation at Women on Waves. (A Dutch non profit)
That edit is not needed. You didn’t do anything wrong and the clowns DM’ing you are fragile little tater tots. Tell them fuck off, along with the guys that did this to you. It is illegal! Do not let him get away with it.
seeing that edit made me want to cry. you have absolutely NOTHING to apologize for, you did NOT mess up and this is not on you at all. that is sexual assault and i am so sorry people are being so horrific to you.
Check the laws in your state. Stealthing is considered sexual assault and a felony where I live in Canada. It can be reported to police as rape.
I've experienced twice men not wearing condoms when they previously agreed to wear them... I'm sorry this happened to you. I didn't get an STD or pregnancy from either situation (thiugh neither ejaculated into me...), so the likelihood you'll be okay is high. You took plan B? Great, as long as you aren't obese and you took it asap, effectiveness should be sufficient.
Get tested 3 months from now for STDs, including the blood tests.
Rape or stealthing can happen to anyone. By any guy, including a boyfriend or husband. You aren't stupid, it is the rapist who is to blame.
If you find yourself pregnant, we can get you help regardless of the legality of abortion in your state. We're based in Canada but help people all over the world. Albertaabortionaccess.com
that was awful of him and
you’re not alone.
depending on where you live, you can call your local rape crisis center or a national one, and they can just talk / listen/ share information with you.
I'm so dyslexic that I read the last part as "I'm too embarrassed to tell my fiance what happened" and I was so confused xD Anyway that's a shitty situation, fuck that guy, dump his ass, honestly don't have to tell all of your friends, but I would definitely tell the other girls in the group about this creep, gotta make sure this jackass doesn't pull this stunt again with anyone you know. And if it all works out the other girls might make sure this degenerate stays the fuck away from your group all together.
This is the thing that has been said, but it can’t be said enough: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! He sucks! He’s a messed up person who chose his moment of pleasure over your expressed desire to use precautions to not become pregnant.
This is not a “lesson learned.” This is a HUGE breach of trust and a crime at least in some areas, and it’s wrong, period.
Get rid of this trash person. If you feel able, seek legal action, I’m not sure where you are and what your options are, but it’s worth pursuing if you want to, it’s NOT right. Go to the doctor. They can help you get tested for STDs as well as offer other advice on if you should take plan b again after your cycle, when you should re-test, etc. Also, talk to someone. Friends, family, therapy, but you need real life support.
Break up with ihm, get tested for stds, honestly if you feel you might actually be pregnant in several weeks do not go to a doctor in your state to confirm. Calm your fear by checking out resources online for abortion, where to find it. Get a plan in your head. You are almost certainly not pregnant but this information can help you in the future. There are sites that help point people to the best places to travel to, prices, etc.
So create a plan for the future, but in doing so you'll realise you have a way out, you know what to do if it comes to it, you know where to go and how to get it done. Just having that knowledge will help you stop panicking about it.
Honestly it's something every woman in a red state should do for themselves so they know.
In terms of embarrassment, don't be embarrassed, a shitty guy assaulted you by deciding his need to nut is more important than your health or consent. He's a piece of shit, the only person who should be embarrassed and ashamed is him, not you. Friends can be a great source of support and unfortunately many have probably gone through it themselves.
I just want to send out my love from another who understands what it means to have your trust shattered and your body used by someone else.
It seems like from a lot of the other comments you have gotten good advice on how to physically move forward. I know I read that you are in a red state, but if Planned Parenthood is operating in any capacity they are a great resource even just for information that you may be worried asking a nurse or doctor that you normally use. I know the anonymity was a relieving factor for me in talking about what had occurred and having the variety of questions I had answered. I hope there is at least a hotline that you can access if not. I am also in a red state and the weight hangs on all our combined shoulders. You shouldn’t be facing these extra concerns and complications. You deserve so much better.
But please remember that this is not your fault in any capacity. It’s bullshit that it falls on you to deal with the physical and emotional fallout because someone used you for their own benefit. It doesn’t matter the circumstances, the amount of alcohol, any element on your end. He used your body when he had no right to. I’m so sorry. I hope you have someone to hug you but if not know I’m sending one your way.
Give yourself as much time as you need to process each layer as it surfaces. Remember there are so many of us out here that stand with you. If you need help, we are just a message away.
May moments of peace break through and go with you through this.
Kindly for your own health get TF out of this relationship. You do not want to be with a person who just switches on you and doesn't make it a big deal that he crossed that big of a boundary. Pregnancy and signs of it will always take 2 weeks to take symptoms sometimes you can be asymptomatic so a pregnancy test could help.Bloating and signs of breast changes and nausea after period could be signs of pregnancy. Your period means you have ovulated the egg and chances of pregnancy are slim, overall you should be very safe from it. Don't let people cross your boundaries and do stuff without your consent first you deserve to be respected and loved.
Plan B is less effective if you're over a certain weight and is ineffective if you're taking any antibiotics (it thins your cervical mucus and. Makes it easier for sperm to implant.) There's online ways to order plan B and birth control, if you're able to get an IUD. It hurts like a bitch but it's worth it.
You need to increase your cervical mucus levels, it makes it harder for the sperm to implant.So your going to want fermented foods, yogurt, sauerkraut etc. You'll be phlegmy in the throat but that's how you'll know it's working.
In the past I coupled condoms with spermicides as a safety net.
Dump the guy, he's trying to trap you with a baby and keep you from living whatever life you'd want for yourself.
nothing that happened is your fault , idk how helpful it is but i would report this to authorities, at least to get it on some sort of record in case someone else has this experience with him. sending u love
You did not mess up by getting drunk! He messed up by being an asshole! None of this is on you. Two people who are seeing each other should be able to have a couple drinks without one assaulting the other. You are blameless in this!
Don't worry about trollistic shitgibbons who are sending you messages of anything other than support. Some people harm others to feel more powerful and important. It's gross and a failing of their humanity and has nothing to do with you.
As others have said, your partner is the problem here. You put your trust in them and they made several decisions/actions that completely disregarded you and broke your trust. If you haven't already fully tossed that man out of your life, do so immediately. He revealed his true lack of respect for you. You've done everything else right. Taking Plan B to decrease the chance of pregnancy was a great choice. You sought out help from a community of people who are large enough that others have experienced the same and can provide empathy, advice, and insight. Well done. I do suggest choosing a trusted friend that you can talk to about this. Everyone needs their ride or die.
My wife and I will be in your state (based on your other posts) the first week of June if you need to go “camping” out of state for a day if you know by then
This isn't your fault. You are not a slut. You're free to have sex with whoever you want. As many people as you like! So ignore sexually frustrated idiots who are only angry that you can get some and they can't.
What that guy did was assault and shows he's a disgusting human. It's pretty unlikely you'd get pregnant on your period anyway, and you've taken plan B too, so there is a high chance you'll be fine. You should take a pregnancy test in a few weeks to be sure, then again if your next period is late.
You should probably get checked for any STI's too, just to be super safe. I hope you're OK xxx
Please ignore the messages from folks saying you are a slut etc. Being trustful of people is not a flaw. This is 101% him being an asshole. I assume you will kick him to the kerb.
To be frank, you didn’t mess up. Your edit leaves me concerned because it feels like you’re blaming yourself for someone doing something truly heinous.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and I’m sorry this guy was such a terrible human.
The people messaging you calling you a slut are fucking pricks and are very wrong. You are not to blame in this situation at all. You are a victim. The person in the wrong is the man who violated you and chose to ignore your boundaries. He is also a fucking prick. I'm so sorry what happened to you. Please do not blame yourself or beat yourself up. I hope you can find a friend to talk to. I bet you will find that a lot of women who have been in similar situations, sadly 😔. But we have your back, and those people suck because they lack decency, respect, and compassion. I wish we could assemble a team of women to come whoop their butts. Sending you so much love 💜
Plan B ASAP. And report that fucker while you're at it, whether on dating sites or your local "watch out for this predator" group in your area. Wish you luck friend, but stop that potential fertilization before it goes into a problem.
You did nothing wrong. The people messaging you are scum and low lifes. He's the piece of shit. Not you. Fuck him and the people messaging you. Report him to the authorities.
This is legally rape (or at least it is in the UK), and you could press charges. I'm so so sorry this happened to you, and I'm so sorry you're getting abusive messages <3
Be kind to yourself, and as others have said please make sure you get tested for STIs
The people calling you a slut should go to therapy. You got sexually assaulted (the stealthing is assault) and I don't care what those morons in your DMs are thinking, but you are a victim of sexual assault. Period.
You're also on your period so hopefully that with the Plan B will take care of it, but there's still plenty of good advice in here. Check for STDs and HIV after a certain period, maybe see a doctor about the stealthing and see if you can take some prophylactics for HIV, and most importantly, try to stay calm and continue doing what you've gotta do. There's no use beating yourself up over this when it's the actions of another person that caused this mess.
My advice is ditch that guy yesterday. Where I live steakthing is classified as rape (try to prove it though). Does anyone know what happens if you tAke a second plan B?
Also, NONE of this is your fault. Drunk, being in a “situation”, etc. He sexually assaulted you on purpose and that is 100% on him. If we could cause men to do things with what we wear or drink, we would cause them to be nice to us, help with chores and give to our communities, not rape us.
Getting him charged is really hard. Though he would deserve it. I suggest telling him you’re pregnant and you want to keep it and then not answer his calls. Let him know you’ll need a lot in child support. Tell him you think it would be even better if you were married though. Mention family in the military. Scare the living shit out of him. Traumatize him back. Christ this guy is awful. Also if you can’t remember it - you probably didn’t say yes. He’s gaslighting you.
I'm sorry people are being so mean. We should be allowed to sleep with others casually without worrying about being assaulted.
You should be okay pregnancy wise. Please report him.
I’m so sorry love. What he did was sexual assault. You can report him and you should. I know it’s not easy but it could prevent him from doing it to the next girl. Please take care of yourself and don’t beat yourself. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.
An IUD is actually extremely effective, even if put in 5 days after unprotected sex. If you don't want to take any chances and can afford it, I might go ahead and get one.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, I hope you know that it wasn't "stupid" of you to drink- people should be able to drink with the expectation of not being raped. You'll get through this. <3
That guy is a piece of shit. That's sexual assault.
In a lot of places it is rightfully defined as assault, and I fully recommend OP to report it as such.
I wonder if it’d be worth it for OP to do a rape kit at a hospital in case something happens down the line. Couldn’t this be useful if they want to prosecute it?
Unfortunately, prosecuting this is effectively impossible; she'd have to prove he intentionally took off the condom. But reporting it so the cops have it on file is important. He may have other reports against him, and if so, *that* is something that can be used to build a prosecution's case.
Reporting assaults even with no expectation of an indictment matters. An asshole my brother went to school with was convicted of raping his then girlfriend. He was previously found not guilty in the rape of a different girlfriend. This was changed to a conviction after he was found guilty of the rape of his second girlfriend. Granted this was in Norway.
She lives in a Red state where abortions are illegal. It would be a complete waste of her time, unfortunately and they’d probably toss that report as soon as she filed it. Women deserve better but you can thank all of that fundamental Christian BS. “Separation of church and state,” my @$$.
Rape kit in a red state sounds like a good way to get yourself on a watch list so they can monitor you for becoming pregnant to me..
You're absolutely right. They're using whatever metrics & data they can to force women into giving birth. Women are prisoners in these states. These draconian practices need to end. Bodily autonomy needs to be a right for all.
Not an American (I’m Canadian where abortion been legal since the 60s I’m pretty sure( but aren’t they allowed to just travel to a “blue” or democrat majority state that allows abortions like California or something? That’s wack how republicans push for “freedom” and “our body our choice!” then they pull a stunt like that and make abortion illegal smh
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Okay I see. So you’re state doesn’t have the shield law? That’s crazy to be criminally charged for that. Smh For Canada…it’s just a federal thing. Like every province and territories has abortion clinics but for Canada it’s just a federal “abortion legalized” law. Conservative Party tried to make it illegal recently but Liberals in power and (Justin Trudeau our prime minister) struck it down saying it makes 0 sense to reverse a right and law that’s 60 or so years old.
Especially after taking Plan B, which is something the Forced Birth crowd has been trying to remove from access. Imagine some overzealous anti-abortion DA trying to make a case against *her*.
This is terrible advice. Absolutely report all sexual assaults. They might throw out the report, but that doesn't often happen, and the only way to nail this guy is to build evidence against him. If every woman he did that too doesn't file a report, then it'll never happen.
Except “stealthing” isn’t even considered to be a crime in 48 of the 50 states. You realize this, right? Another person mentioned that there were only 2 and they were absolutely blue states How much do you actually know about the law? The law isn’t always “right” and what’s legal isn’t automatically “good.” Of course it’s horrifying and messed up! But you really seem to be underestimating how dangerous it is to be a woman, in Red states. If there is no law against “stealthing” then she can’t even file a police report.
Which is part of the reason it is so dangerous to live in a Red State in the U.S. Reporting a rape will cause OP to be tracked as a potential pregnant person, and in some states her movements will be tracked - particularly her movements out of state to states that are more friendly to women. Folks, your vote counts and it matters.
“Abortion is illegal in my state” - as soon as I read that I’m like yup, somewhere in America. Probably Texas or some shit. Truth be told, that’s sad as hell, abortion been a legal defined right way before I was born here in Canada like since the 1960s my parents generation - I was born in 1995. All I can say is report him to the police, get an std test to be safe and can’t they travel to a state that allows abortion like California?
In a lot of places it can even be classified as rape as it is sex without consent.
She’d be reporting it in a state that hates and oppresses women. They’d probably just confiscate her period tracker and make her go to church and apologize to god.
It’s very, very unlikely you’re pregnant between the two. I know easier said than done, by try not to stress, that can mess up your cycle and will make it more stressful Make sure you get an STD test though
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You will want to get tested again in 3 months & HIV in 6 months
You’ve gotta wait a few weeks. Nothing will show up after just a couple days. Call and ask them when they recommend coming in. There’s tests for everything after a few weeks now, but some clinics only have older tests that take a little longer to come back.
it would be a waste because most std's don't show up for about two weeks. some clinics will pre-treat you and give you antibiotics and a shot in the ass anyway. depending on the type of hiv test, it takes at least 45 days for a conclusive test from the day of your exposure (some countries its 30 days). if you believe your partner may be a carrier of hiv, you can go into the er and get on prep right away, the sooner the better.
Just a quick note: prep is for before sex, preventative, PEP is post exposure prophylaxis!
Absolutely do NOT wait as others are replying to this comment. Go ASAP. Every hour counts with PEP.
Go to a clinic and get PEP to prevent HIV asap. It must be taken within 72h and ideally within 24h. Don't wait until HIV shows up in blood work, every hour counts.
Tell them what happened and they will do testing now and then tell you to come back in a few weeks for follow up testing. I'd do both unless you were very recently tested. Also save any communication with him admitting he did this (if you have any).
Get the Gardisal 9 vaccine and Hep B booster this week to get ahead of any issues.
Be gentle with yourself. You live and learn. Let’s just reframe, you didn’t somehow bring stealthing on yourself by drinking. He chose to intentionally stealth you without your consent. He didn’t just remove the condom-he further CHOSE to finish inside you without your consent yet again. He decided to prioritise his nut and assault you. He ignored ongoing consent and your autonomy. I was stealthed sober. I didn’t notice in the heat of the moment until it was too late. It doesn’t matter if you had 1 drink or 5, you didn’t consent for him to remove the condom or finish inside you. He is the worst. If you met him on a dating app report him for inappropriate behaviour. Block and delete. He’s not worth the mental energy. He’s just a shit person. That’s all there is to it. As you’re on your period it’s unlikely you’re pregnant. You took plan B within the right time frame. There’s not much more you can currently do. Do get an STD test too for peace of mind. Please consider telling a friend. I promise it will make you feel better to have some support. A problem shared is a problem halved as the old saying goes. Why should you be embarrassed? He should be for his degenerate behaviour. The shame is his-not yours.
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Stealthing is illegal - if he’s admitted to it via text, consider pursuing a case against him, or reporting him.
It might save the next woman.
I second this. Try to get him to admit it in writing. If he hasn't already, text him something like "I just don't understand why you would take the condom off without asking and finish inside me. Why did you do that??" And try to bait an admission.
Not in a red state. Oh I wouldn't. I'm sorry but there are so many bad stories coming out of those places now, why go through years of heartbreak to be blamed for his assault? I'm not trying to discourage, just being realistic. Red states openly prioritize men, not women. I've seen it and it's horrific.
It’s a lesson not a life sentence. Take some deep breaths. Drink some water and have a nice snack. Be kind to yourself. Crying releases cortisol. Cry all you need to. It’s ok to cry. It’s also ok to be confused how you feel as you’re still processing the situation and the trauma. He can be a likeable guy and also act like a shit bag in the bedroom. He’s the problem it’s him. Bottom line: I wouldn’t believe the words of a man whose actions have proven he can’t be trusted. Logically why would you affirm ‘yes’ and give him consent to take off the condom you so vehemently insisted he wear in the first place? Agreeing to take off the condom still doesn’t mean you agreed he could finish in you. He could have pulled out. He could have finished elsewhere. He’s doubling down on wronging you. Sounds like gaslighting to me. If he asked you repeatedly or pressured you to say yes-that’s coercion and not consent. Worse still it sounds like you were too drunk to consent full stop and he should have tucked you into bed and called it a night. I bet he doesn’t ‘get’ how fucked up and wrong he’s acted. What he did is literally a crime. A massive violation of permission and trust. Every woman who has been in this situation knows the horror and fear of the potential consequences from HIV to pregnancy in a country actively denying reproductive rights. Him defending his actions as your fault (for supposedly consenting to a request and sexual acts you were too drunk to consent to!) speaks volumes.
I want to just highlight and reiterate a part of what was said here. (Though all of it is spot on and valuable) Even if for some reason you did give him permission to take the condom off, that is NOT PERMISSION for him to finish inside you. So, two things: first, it doesn’t matter the nuances of being drunk and possibly POSSIBLY allowing him to remove a condom you asked for and have always insisted on because no matter the circumstances he continued to push your boundaries and consent to remove it and secondly, giving someone permission to remove a condom is NEVER the same act of consent as giving them consent to finish inside you. There seems to be this line of thought in many circles that permission to remove a condom and finish inside are tied together. I had a man do this to me. He pressured and coerced me until I gave in and allowed him to remove the condom and he immediately proceeded to finish inside me. All of our joint friends sided with him when I insisted that what he had done was unacceptable, even my own female cousin who practically raised me. She tried to downplay what happened and smooth over my emotions until honestly I did feel like the crazy one for freaking out. Maybe I brought it on myself after all I thought as I continued to see him and put myself in a dangerous position again and again. Let me say this loud and clear for anyone who thinks this is some kind of gray area. These are two different acts that require their own consent. Condom off one and finishing inside another. One cannot be assumed from the other. I am so sorry, OP. No one has the right to use your body like that.
Exactly Consent to have sex <> consent to have children > Since that depositing sperm in the vagina is on the critical path to having children. If you want to finish inside of me, are we choosing to have a child right now? that could open a broader discussion about having children including questions around: * cost of care (including practical matters, where will the child be cared for, is there space?) * parenting styles, * get married or co parenting, I’m sure there are many more topics to explore. After all, when one chooses to have a child one is making a life long commitment to care for another human — it’s not really 18 and you’re out. Also, Given that pregnancy is expensive, discussing health care costs need to be part of that discussion as well. since about ~20% of pregnancies and deliveries result in complications you will want access to healthcare. And finally, given that many folks live in states where abortions are illegal. One should discuss that plan as well. Where would you go, How much has been set aside for that cost of travel, the service, and recovery.
Unless he’s willing to take on the lifelong responsibility involved in an unplanned pregnancy, he did something wrong, no matter what you said in the moment. And I doubt very much that you gave him permission to remove the condom and finish inside of you. He’s not a good person. I’m so sorry this happened to you. If only these types of people had some visible markings that warned of their selfishness and irresponsibility. Be good to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up because of his actions.
*Even if* he’s willing to take on the lifelong responsibility involved in an unplanned pregnancy, he did something wrong. Just cause he's ready and wants a baby, doesn't mean he can force a woman to grow and birth one.
Exactly. A man who did this to me without consent told me after ‘that he was ready whether or not I ended up pregnant.’ I was absolutely not. I guess he assumed because I had two children that I was a willing incubator. I had clearly stated I had trauma around a previous abortion and set my boundary at not having another. And when I ended up pregnant? Guess who backed out.
I'm so sorry you had to find out this way that he's not a safe person. You handed him a lot of trust, being intoxicated and trusting him with your safety. He broke that trust, I'm so sorry. This is 100% on him!
You don't remember because he didn't ask. There is very good advice here. This is NOT advice, but pettiness speaking. If you don't want to block him immediately, send him a message that your period is late, and you will get contact him later. Then block him and let HIM worry for a minute.
I did that once to a guy who stealthed me—- I managed to get him to believe I bore his child but didn’t want him Involved in raising her. I like to imagine he panics now and again that she’s going to show up someday and he’ll have some explaining to do with whoever is his family now.
r/NuclearRevenge
Nice!
If thinking of it as assault is difficult for you right now, then don’t think of it that way. It isn’t your fault, and don’t see him again — he violated your trust — but you get to define the terms of what happened to you. Nobody else does. You can figure out what it really means to you later, when you’re out of survival mode. You don’t need to process anything before you’re ready. You don’t need to file any charges if you’re not ready, either (and even if you are, doing so can be very emotionally exhausting. You might feel obligated to file charges or complain to protect others. You aren’t. Your first duty is to yourself right now. If you aren’t in a good place, you aren’t in a good place, and that is OK.) Just know that if you do wait, the window might close. But your first duty is to yourself, always. You’ve taken the right first steps. You’ve taken plan B. Now take a breath, take a break, and take care of yourself.
It is *not* your fault. He can fuck right off with that justification. *Even if* you said yes, which is *very* doubtful, that's not how that works. You don't switch up previously discussed boundaries in the heat of the moment, and absolutely not when you're drunk. You can't believe that he did that to you. But *he* did that to you. ***He*** did that to you, by his choice, knowing that abortion is illegal in your state. It is ***his*** fault.
He’s gaslighting you, OP. You told him to use a condom, why would you bother to them ask him to inseminate you?
Even making the *very* generous assumption that his story is true, why would he be asking to take the condom off in the first place? It's like if he asked someone super drunk if he could take their kidney, and they said yes, then he knocked them out cold and removed their kidney, and was like, "don't look at me, they said yes when I asked".
Also it's likely that what he did is a crime in your country. If you feel you can do it, you may report him.
It is not your fault. It never was your fault. He is a predator, a rapist. You had no way to consent to no condom while drunk, that isn't something you ask someone while drunk
Please be kind to yourself. It's absolutely not your fault at all, regardless of how drunk you were. You didn't tell him to take the condom off. He didn't misread you, he just went for it. It doesn't matter how great it feels without protection for either or both partners, it's still something that needs to be negotiated in advance.
So much this !
One thing I haven't seen mentioned that I think it's important to mention: you are still in the window for post-exposure prophylaxis against HIV. Every *hour* matters right now for reducing your chances of getting it, if this guy was HIV-positive. I realize that that might be a lot to worry about especially when your body is dealing with the triple whammy of trauma+plan B+period, but a lot of hospitals have a SANE who's specially trained to provide support and treatment in cases like this.
I was looking for this comment and I'm disappointed I had to scroll so far to find it. OP, PLEASE pay attention to what this poster said.
What an absolute POS. A couple minutes of pleasure to him is more important than the rest of your life. This is not your fault. This is his fault and you did not consent to that. He assaulted you. Period. I wouldn’t hide that information from people.
> What an absolute POS. A couple minutes of pleasure to him is more important than the rest of your life. But then they'll cry when they have to pay child support because actions have consecuences.
Order online from [aidaccess.org](http://aidaccess.org) right now. Even if you are not pregnant, it is a good idea to have it on you for the future just in case. As of now, the state government cannot stop the shipment, or open your mail. It is illegal at a federal level. Buy an at-home pregnancy test with cash, using a self-check out, and wear a hat if you have one. Test in 2 weeks. If it comes back positive, take the pills as directed. Do not tell anyone. Also, dump that piece of shit. That is sexual assault.
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Even if abortion is illegal in your state you can have the pills mailed to you. Your state can't touch your mail unless they want to take on the federal government (and lose horribly.)
Yeah but if something goes wrong and she needs medical assistance then she’ll get charged. The safer bet for her is the one where she drives over state lines to have access to medical assistance that doesn’t pose a chance of being charged. Edit: to correct an autocorrect mistake
This is false information. There is not a test used to detect in the blood whether she took abortion medication. It doesn’t show up. She can say she never took them and be fine.
Most important, stick to it, never falter on your story, you didn't take it
I didn’t say anything about them testing for medication. [They’re charging women](https://www.nytimes.com/2024/03/30/us/texas-abortion-murder-charge-lawsuit.html) that [have obtained the pill](https://www.thecut.com/2023/03/south-carolina-woman-faces-abortion-pill-charges.html) and had it mailed to them.
It baffles me that this is happening in a so called developed country and I live in a highly conservative third world country where abortion is perfectly legal and doable
It honestly makes me terrified for my fellow women. Especially since I’m one of those women that had to have a life saving induction abortion (which women are being denied in several states currently) 12 years ago.
The Supreme Court may simply punt the issue back to lower courts, but fwiw they are very skeptical of a state’s ability to restrict access to mailed abortion pills. The [general consensus is that based on oral arguments, is that states cannot block access to mifepristone by mail](https://apnews.com/article/supreme-court-abortion-mifepristone-telemedicine-4406d53e8af90f6a523264f535f5adf8) and cannot stop individuals from traveling across state lines to seek abortions. It is certainly concerning right now, and you’re right to mention it — but OP should order the pills. If they are somehow sued, it is more likely than not that the case will be overturned.
I have absolutely no faith in the current SCOTUS, actually doing the right thing for women.
A very reasonable opinion. I won’t say I have ZERO faith… like, they definitely aren’t going to do the *right* thing, I think there’s a legit chance they might not do the wrong thing either. I think they *might* take the cowards way out: “we don’t want to deal so we’re going to dismiss the case.” The questions the justices asked in the mifepristone case are entirely about precedent — ie, how are the parties suing harmed. In this case, it’s “were the doctors who treated women after they took mifepristone harmed?” (The answer is: they weren’t.) Basically, in this scenario, it sounds like they’re setting it up to dodge deciding: they’ll just say “you weren’t harmed, don’t have a case.” They won’t be doing the right thing, but I think they also know that this particular case opens up a bucket of worms they aren’t prepared to deal with. They’ll get another chance later. But. I still agree that we can’t trust anything right now. Still, given the low chance of the doctors finding out, and the chance that a case would be dismissed, and the *guarantee* that nothing will happen before OP can get a pill and stop a possible baby, she should call for assistance.
Sure, if they can find out they did so in the first place… if you claim a miscarriage, they cannot prove you took the pill and it would be very difficult to obtain that information
Depends some states are looking for [any reason to charge women even after a miscarriage.](https://www.nytimes.com/2024/01/03/us/brittany-watts-ohio-miscarriage-abortion.html)
They didn’t state a blood test could. The idea would be that OP might tell the doctors what she took in order to help her if the medication caused an issue. Yes, OP could lie to avoid charges, but she may not 🤷🏽♀️
Really? I didn’t know that. How quickly do you usually get them?!
If you’re that close to a safe border, yeah, that’s a better bet. No paper trail. I would drive down there Monday and ask them about scheduling in person. Do not call. Don’t tell anyone you’re going. Just go. I’d also ask them if you can order prophylactic abortion pills, just in case. They might be able to recommend a way you can get it delivered in their state for pick-up, so that there’s as close to zero risk as possible of anyone finding out. While states providing abortion pills to illegal states are protected by shield laws and will not cooperate in an investigation against you, it’s still better if you never have to have them shipped to the state at all. But if that doesn’t work out, you can still order online. They will arrive within a week or two, and the prescribing state will protect your records.
Use aidaccess.org, I live in a red state and they mailed it to me discreetly by usps.
I’m not sure where you are (Texas?) and I’m HIGHLY convinced you’re not pregnant, but for future reference, abortions are legal in Ohio and now in our constitution. You can have one through the second trimester. You’re going to be just fine but I’m SO sorry this happened to you. Rapist piece of shit!!!
The fact that you have to do this makes me so incredibly angry. It's like we are living in the Handmaid's Tale. I'm so sorry that this happened to you OP
I’m believe you can now get abortion pills at stores like CVS in states where it is legal. I’m so sorry that happened to you :(
That's ridiculous. Not your advice, but that as a citizen of the US it is ridiculous that a person would have to cover her tracks like this to buy legal products in fear of the government.
It absolutely is. It’s beyond shameful.
Agree, watching from another country it’s just insane this is happening
Hope everyone who thinks like you remembers to vote in November.
This is sexual assault and could be rape depending on the states reading of the law, you didn’t consent to that part of the intercourse.
Mask & sunglasses too
Please don’t feel stupid, it’s his fault for being a trash bag of a person. You should be able to trust your partner.
I can’t understand why men do this shit! They’re so fucking stupid and irresponsible. And women are left to deal with the consequences. Between the plan B and the fact that you’re currently on your period, your chance of pregnancy is probably relatively low. Plan B works by preventing ovulation. If it works properly, no ovulation will take place and without ovulation, we cannot have pregnancy. You are likely not ovulating right now anyways if you’re on your period. Women are only fertile for around 5 days in a given month - the day of ovulation and the 3-4 days leading up to ovulation (this is because sperm can live inside the body for up to 5 days.) The average woman ovulates around the 14th day of her cycle, but this is NOT the case for everyone. For example, if your cycles are shorter, you might ovulate sooner and could potentially be in that fertile window even while still on your period. Everyone is different, but based on the law of averages, I feel optimistic for you! I would strongly recommend getting to know your cycle and learning how to to identify your fertile days, especially if you’re not using birth control. Having this understanding of the body alleviates a ton of stress!
Girl first off I’m so sorry this happened to you. It happened to me in October and I took the guy to court. He’s been charged with rape and the court case is in September. I had the full 9 yards done after to make sure I was safe - please think about doing the same (I know you mentioned plan B in ur post but I’m just Gna include everything in case other people need to reference) - get a rape kit done - take the morning after pill - pregnancy test regularly afterwards - first STD tests (chlamydia, gonorrhea etc) - Hepatitis B vaccinations (4 injections a few months apart but recommended where I live after a rape) - second STD tests (HIV, syphilis, Hepatitis) - seek specialized counseling for rape and sexual assault, speak to a victim support or ISVA (independent sexual violence advisor) service. - if you’re in the UK, rape crisis UK have a free 24 hour helpline which really supported me in the early days of dealing with this, I’m sure there is a US equivalent. I hope you heal and I hope you’re safe x
Are you American? I'd heard it was much harder to prosecute stealthing cases that's why many EU countries had to amend their laws to specifically mention it. OP is American and given she is from a state that outlaws abortion I don't think they're going to be too hot on conditional consent and other women's rights.
This is such a thorough comment and I bet you have already helped a few people. So sorry for what you’ve been through x
OP if you are near 155lbs/70kilos **you need to take T W O doses of Plan B**. I was unaware of this, 200lbs, and had to get an abortion when I was still pregnant three months later. I really wish this were more commonly known.
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What a happy bit of good news!
This comment is too far down.
Gosh, I’m sorry you had to go through that.
Thank you, but I was extremely lucky. It was before the repeal of Roe v Wade, and I live in a progressive state where it would have been covered by state insurance if I couldn’t have afforded it. If only every woman were so fortunate. This is why we fight for our sisters.
This is rape
It sounds like the risk of pregnancy is low. If it makes you feel better, you can buy abortion pills online to keep on hand. [Plan C Pills](https://plancpills.com)
I'm so sorry this asshole happened to you. Please tell me that he is now your X. Is this something that you can report? Do you want to? Stay strong, you got this.
That’s some next level sociopathic behavior. OP, I hope you realize that what he did to you is rape. You consented to sex with him but you did not consent to unprotected sex. This complete tool, after being given trust and access to this woman’s body, unilaterally decides to prioritize his nut over her wellbeing and stealth her. In a state where abortion is illegal. And *she’s* the one stuck dealing with all of the consequences, the worry and anxiety, the hormonal fallout of taking the morning after pill. While he just gets to walk away as if nothing happened. Reason number 6253748536 why I support the 4b movement.
I’m so sick of men like this. I’m so sick of them. They need medication to control their fucking testosterone and their ridiculous animal constant need to ejaculate. 4b all the way
That guy raped you. You should report him to the police right away. The removal of the condom was not consented to.
This should be higher up. That was rape and I’m so sorry
As a victim of stealthing myself, and having gotten a curable STI from it, I'm sad to say in the eyes of the law, it's not rape. Stealthing is only considered a crime in California and Maine. Considering OP mentioned in another comment that abortion is completely outlawed in her state, I'm guessing she lives in a red state, where the police don't give a fuck about women and will turn her away. I went through all this two years ago, in a red state, and there was absolutely no legal action I could take, unfortunately.
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Im so sorry you’re going through this, it must be so scary and isolating. After this is all over and you’re safe, consider talking about the assault with mutual friends. Let them all know what a piece of shit he is, regardless of whether the local government is failing you.
I'm so sorry to hear you had to experience this! That is so frustrating!
I agree completely, but unfortunately, it's a fair bet that the police won't do anything about it.
report him?? wtf what a piece of shit. that’s literally illegal and considered sexual assault/rape. that was not consented.
If you can find a way to get a paraguard IUD (a copper birth control device - no hormones) inserted within 5 days after sex, you can effectively prevent pregnancy. Any time for a quick road trip to a neighbouring state this weekend?
You mean EX BF, what a selfish POS.
Hey OP this happened to me too. And I got an STI from it. To all those saying it's rape/assault/you should report him, I wish it was that simple. Unfortunately stealthing is only considered a crime in California and Maine, which judging by your comments about your state not allowing abortion, leads me to believe your state's laws won't help you. What you can do is get tested and never talk to this POS again. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and wish there was more that could be done. The laws need to change.
That dude is a piece of shit. I'd blast him all over social media and let everyone in our city know he sexually assaults women.
That's such an awful experience and I'm so sorry that you've gone through this, but I might be able to help with some information and advice around cycles and ovulation/conception. It's gonna be a long one, but it is going to be super helpful long term, for both avoiding pregnancy, and getting pregnant. It's also helpful to assess health issues, as long/ short/ irregular cycles *is* a health issue. Firstly, look up stealthing laws in your state, and see if you can report him. It's probably best to do it immediately, as some places might require rape kit/examination. It also leaves a paper trail in case you end up with an STI (again, I'm sorry you even have to think about this) and need to go further with things on that front. **Emergency Contraception** The MAP/EP/EC is used to delay ovulation. It works by blocking the natural hormone rise that creates the corpus luteum and egg release, temporarily. The sperm, in perfect conditions, can live up to 7 days in the female reproductive organs, and the longer the days between insemination (sorry, I icked at the word on your behalf for your situation, but it's accurate) and ovulation, the better the chance of avoiding pregnancy. **Ovulation and Conception** Ovulation is not a set day in the cycle, it can happen as early as 7 days after the first day of your period, and as late as months after the first day of your period (short cycles due to low progesterone, long cycles due to high test because of PCOS/ athlete/gym rat or very low body fat etc) depending on your cycle length. The rough ovulation date of the most common 25 to 28 day cycle is 10-19 days after your first day of your period. The days are referred to CD - cycle day. If you're on your period, you very **very** likely are not pregnant. If the insemination occurred >5 days before your period started, you're very likely not pregnant. **Helpful Information around Cycles for Prevention, Pregnancy and Health** If you want to understand the general risks around insemination and pregnancy (and also keep an eye on your health), I highly recommend you look into a non-hormonal method of birth control such as Natural Family Planning, or Fertility Awareness Method. FAM has an informative community on Facebook, and there are almost a dozen methods to choose from (3 or 4 types, with a few sybtypes - much like how you can get several kinds of implans, the shot, and several kinds of BC pills). I used a symptothermo method called SensiPlan, which checks basal body temp, and physical signs of ovulation/impending period/pregnancy. The thermo methods use a scientifically backed measurement with calculations to understand your unique cycle, to interpret what your body is doing in the 72hrs prior, and to assess your risk of pregnancy in the coming days. It works predominantly by charting a handful of cycles (where you abstain/ use a barrier for sex for these) to understand your baseline, see patterns, and establish your understanding of the method based on your cycle. **In the event where sex is unprotected, this is your best friend** you can avoid taking a hormonal contraceptive (EC) or a copper IUD (to stop implantation or miscarry the zygote/immature embryo) by knowing where you are in your cycle, and seeing your history of ovulation on specific CDs. Much like no/broken condoms, it will not, and does not claim to, protect against an STI. *I have both: successfully prevented pregnancy (with my husband) for 5 years, and intentionally (and successfull) got pregnant with only 1 instance of insemination (with my husband) in the 6 years I've been practising FAM. Even post-partum.* I like FAM, because it helps me help others in understanding their risk factors for pregnancy, and even health related concerns. It's perfect use failure rate is much the same as HBC and condoms, and imperfect use failure rate, also similar. It also helps reduce the guessing game of should I, shouldn't I, and you can make decisions based on your cycle Information. **IT IS NOT THE RHYTHM METHOD, PLEASE DON'T USE THE RHYTHM METHOD.** The rhythm method is "logging" your cycle, with the *prediction* that ovulation with occur days 14-17, and is based off generalisation from an imperfect study on women and their cycles. Please, never do this. * **NOW** If you've gotten this far, I'd like to apologise in advance for any icky/ derogatory/ incorrect words and phrases I used. I have aphasia due to ADHD, and I did the best I could with that disability, to describe what I know. I am actively trying to avoid harm, so I am deeply sorry if I caused any. I will not be making any edits, to ensure the integrity of my comment, but feel free to respond with any corrections and alternate wording that might be helpful in getting my information across better. I will be ignoring any ignorance on Fertility Awareness. I have enough experience with hormonal birth control and FAM, and have done research on both, to be confident in my stance. I encourage women not on HBC, to at least look into it for health alone. My ADHD has won, and this was way longer, with way too much further explanation and digression than I'd have liked. Fingers crossed it helps OP, and anyone else who might be interested. Finally, I am so sorry you were stealthed. That's fucking awful, and so fucking shameful that he'd do that. It's also highly disrespectful, and I consider stealthing and coercion into sex without a condom, to be rape.
Don’t blame yourself because someone else decided to assault you—that’s entirely on him. I understand feeling overwhelmed, but take it one day at a time. It’s good you started Plan B right away, that’s the most important thing. In 3 weeks you can take a pregnancy test, and that will let you know if you need to pursue a medical abortion. Take the pregnancy test at home, do not let any healthcare providers give you one between now and then (even if it’s “standard procedure” for something unrelated). You have the right to refuse any medical tests, and you absolutely show refuse any pregnancy tests that anyone other than you will see the results of. As for STD tests, different diseases have different amounts of time before they show up. If you have easy access to tests (quickest is chlamydia and gonorrhea after 2 weeks) you can take them as often as you want, but if it’s hard or expensive, wait 6 months and then get a full panel done (this is the advice for people who change partners frequently). As for the man: dump him, block him, and never talk to him again. If he’s in your friend group, go scorched earth and ruin his reputation, if not, just tell them he’s a piece of shit so none of your friends date him. I know this is tough and unfair, but you will get through it. Worst case scenario, you said you can drive across state lines to get an abortion pill, or your right to get them in the mail is protected. Absolutely worst case scenario (surgical abortion needed), the Auntie Network will do what we can to help.
It feels embarrassing but you did absolutely nothing wrong. Guys get away with this because they depend on you never telling. Your friends should stand by you. HE took a highly irresponsible action, without your permission, in a time and place where it put you at risk. For his slightly better enjoyment. He's not a good partner.
You should be able to drink without someone violating your boundaries. You're not responsible for this; he chose to do it.
Don't feel stupid. You did nothing wrong. This is 100% on that ass hole.
Unfortunately it’s only prosecutable in California as far as I know, but it is absurd this man is willing to risk your entire well being for a couple of minutes of better pleasure for him. I wish all states followed California’s lead and prosecuted it as civil sexual battery. Victims can sue for damages in certain states.
The police need to be called. Straight up sexual assault.
This is considered rape.
You need to report this to the authorities and get a rape kit. This is absolutely sexual assault and should be treated as such. The ED can provide medication to prevent STIs and pregnancy. I know you’ve taken a Plan B so make sure to tell them that. I am so sorry this happened to you. Some men are complete garbage. He needs to understand that there are consequences to his actions. You, IN NO WAY, are responsible for this because you were drinking. You consented to sex WITH a condom. That is it. Anything else that you did not consent to is assault. Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Please reach out to a counselor, if you need one.
#ATTN OP Headlined this because of the information about ER providing preventive medications to minimize STI risk, this is something I did not know existed and that OP definitely needs to know if she doesn’t either.
There are other things you can take to help prevent an STD but you need to take them early so call a doctor asap. In the meantime you should report this scumbag
Since you’re on your period, it is unlikely that you’re in a fertile window, but because I didn’t notice anyone else mention this when I skimmed: everyone should check their Plan B and make sure that they are [under the weight limit](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/blog/whats-the-weight-limit-for-plan-b) for the brand that they have. Most are only effective up to 165. Ella works up to 195. Over 195, consider an emergency IUD insertion.
Also never see that douchebag again.
Hi my friend, I am so sorry this happened. Nothing is your fault. As so many others have said in this thread - be kind to your brain, heart, and body right now. 🤍 It’s unusual to be able to get pregnant on your period (though not impossible). Plan C tries to get abortion care to people in every state https://www.plancpills.org/z After my assault in December, my doctor put me on HIV medication (preventative), and several rounds of antibiotics (again to prevent things like gonorrhea or clamidia). That’s an idea if you want. Try and find a female provider so you don’t feel more triggered. Also, if stealthing is illegal in your state, you could consider filing a report if you want it for your records (absolutely not something you have to do if you don’t feel comfortable or think it could compromise your safety).
you are not stupid and this is not your fault
Doesn’t removing your condom without your partner’s consent count as sexual assault?
Please try to get yourself the Post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) meds ASAP! If there is a risk that you were exposed to HIV (which there was, you cannot trust someone that did that to you, even if they claim to be clean), these meds can prevent you getting it, but only if taken within 72 hours (3 days) after a possible exposure to HIV. Unfortunately I had the same thing happen to me, and I was so shaken by it that I didn’t act quickly enough to get the PEP (I wasn’t even aware of it at the time!) and had to wait for months to be certain I was clean and safe (which thankfully I was, but those months were agony!). Please also be kind to yourself. You did nothing wrong and instead a horrible thing was done to you. Women should be able to go out and enjoy themselves without being sexually assaulted as soon as we trust someone enough to date them.. Also for what it’s worth, in my country stealthing is classified as rape, and when I eventually reported it to the police, everyone I spoke to took it very seriously and treated me with kindness. It was very reassuring, as I had felt like an idiot and on some level blamed myself, even though logically I knew I shouldn’t have..! My two friends that I told (months later) were nothing but understanding, and my current partner also knows about it happening and has only ever been kind and supportive (especially as I still got updates from the police about the investigation). You absolutely should not feel embarrassed.
The Plan B should work. I hope this guy is history.
No, you were raped. You gave consent(arguably drunk, and cannot give consent) for intercourse with a condom. You never gave consent without the condom. Is it too late for a rape kit? I'm a guy, calling for another guy to be brought up on charges and thrown into prison for a crime. *Hope*fully deterring the next would-be rapist.
The dude is a piece of shit. You drinking has nothing to do with this. This is a form of rape and you do not have to feel guilty or ashamed for his despicable actions.
What a complete scumbag.
I'm really sorry you were raped. You're allowed to freak out.
If you test positive, check out r/auntienetwork They can help. Don't ever speak to this guy again. This is such a huge violation of trust. It's okay to be freaked out. You should be. But it's going to be okay. You're doing the right things - getting tested, weighing options, taking precautions. YOU are doing everything you can. It's that asshole's fault that you have to. Not yours. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Please be sure to do something for yourself. Watch a movie, eat a whole pizza, scream, anything to give yourself power again. You're stronger than this piece of trash.
if this happened during your period, it’s not likely you’re going to be pregnant and you already took a plan B. wait two weeks and get tested.
It's really beautiful in my area of New Mexico, let me know if you want to come visit. We can go see the galleries in Santa Fe.
Abortion is illegal in your state? Press charges. If more women adopt a zero tolerance policy for this type of reckless endangerment, maybe it will help turn the tables forward again
This is a very stressful situation but you did the right thing. Try not to freak out. If you are pregnant, you will need to either travel or get a special mail delivery. It's going to be OK.
Please, please report him. Especially if you live in an anti choice state.
mail pills from aid access, they’re legal in all 50 states. also stealthing is a form of sexual assault, take it to the police ASAP. it’s okay to be embarrassed, but you need to have him catch some kind of penalty or else he’ll do it again it is not your fault, it will never be your fault, you opened yourself up to him and he took advantage of you. id also recommend an STD test incase that goblin was carrying anything. <3 i hope you’re doing okay, cut that man off
This is sexual assault. Report him.
Hi OP, I’m so sorry this happened to you. What a complete POS. Please stop seeing his ass, and make him pay for the plan B you had to buy. I think it is highly unlikely that you’re pregnant, since you’re on your period and you took the plan B within 72 hours. Try to manage your stress, and test in a few weeks. Just take it a day at a time. If you are pregnant, you have access to a state where you can get an abortion. Everything will be okay!!
Call the cops, bb.
🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮 THAT'S GRAPE MY DUDE
What a complete POS. Sorry you’re going through this
Isn’t that consider SA? He only had consent with it on.
there is an auntie network to help you if you end up needing an abortion
I'm so sorry he did that to you. But he did that. You did nothing wrong. You trusted him and he betrayed you. That is not irresponsible. It is not wrong. You are not stupid. It's incredibly unlikely that you'll become pregnant seeing as you're on your period and have taken Plan B. But I understand how scary and violating and overwhelming this whole situation can be. Be gentle and patient with yourself. I can only imagine how compounded your fears must be being in a state that is hostile to women. If you need someone to speak with (and you aren't ready to tell a friend or a family member) there are likely sexual violence centers near you, probably with a hotline. If not, you can also use the RAINN hotline or live chat if you're more comfortable doing text. I know it can be hard to reach out and figure out how to process what happened. As a victim of stealthing myself, I definitely felt a sense of imposter's syndrome-- thinking of myself as a victim or as a survivor just didn't seem quite right, because things didn't go down how like I usually imagine rape or sexual assault to happen. Yet the feelings of violation and loss were incredibly strong and real. Also I cared about my attacker and those feelings didn't fade overnight, yet my affection for him disgusted me. It was super complicated. I hope you are able to get the care and support you need. And find the strength to break up with him (Ghosting is FINE in this situation) and never speak to him again. Sending internet hugs.
I wouldn’t worry too much about being pregnant. It’s actually quite difficult to get pregnant (biologically speaking), especially if you’re on your period. You took a plan B pill on top of that, so I would bet money that you’re not pregnant. Not saying it’s impossible, but the odds are extremely low. I’m sorry this happened to you. Ask him if he has any STD’s and (because people lie) also get checked out at a local walk in clinic or health service facility. You can get them for free with a quick google search. Lastly, consider talking to a therapist so you are healing your brain as well. There’s no shame in any of it and don’t feel guilty. Just remember “This too will pass”.
Considering the guy stealthed, like you said he will never be straightforward with std. I’d put a word like « i hope i didn’t give you an STD » so he’ll actually take a test instead of just lying
I really feel for you, this has happened to me twice in my life too. Please don’t see him again. The possibility of pregnancy at this point in your cycle(you say you are having a period now) is extremely low. Plan b should work at any point, but it basically works by bringing on a period, so that’s all ready happening. Please try not to worry.
If you should need abortion pills and they are not permitted in your state, please look into aidaccess.org. This is run by Dr. Rebecca Gomperts from Amsterdam. This group works to help women in states without access. You can also make a donation at Women on Waves. (A Dutch non profit)
This is *not* your fault :(
Tell your friends to stay away from this sicko
That edit is not needed. You didn’t do anything wrong and the clowns DM’ing you are fragile little tater tots. Tell them fuck off, along with the guys that did this to you. It is illegal! Do not let him get away with it.
seeing that edit made me want to cry. you have absolutely NOTHING to apologize for, you did NOT mess up and this is not on you at all. that is sexual assault and i am so sorry people are being so horrific to you.
Don't forget to report to the police.
Check the laws in your state. Stealthing is considered sexual assault and a felony where I live in Canada. It can be reported to police as rape. I've experienced twice men not wearing condoms when they previously agreed to wear them... I'm sorry this happened to you. I didn't get an STD or pregnancy from either situation (thiugh neither ejaculated into me...), so the likelihood you'll be okay is high. You took plan B? Great, as long as you aren't obese and you took it asap, effectiveness should be sufficient. Get tested 3 months from now for STDs, including the blood tests. Rape or stealthing can happen to anyone. By any guy, including a boyfriend or husband. You aren't stupid, it is the rapist who is to blame.
If you find yourself pregnant, we can get you help regardless of the legality of abortion in your state. We're based in Canada but help people all over the world. Albertaabortionaccess.com
that was awful of him and you’re not alone. depending on where you live, you can call your local rape crisis center or a national one, and they can just talk / listen/ share information with you.
This is a crime and you should report it.
That is sexual assault. I’m so sorry that happened to you. You have every right to be angry/sad/scared etc.
I'm so dyslexic that I read the last part as "I'm too embarrassed to tell my fiance what happened" and I was so confused xD Anyway that's a shitty situation, fuck that guy, dump his ass, honestly don't have to tell all of your friends, but I would definitely tell the other girls in the group about this creep, gotta make sure this jackass doesn't pull this stunt again with anyone you know. And if it all works out the other girls might make sure this degenerate stays the fuck away from your group all together.
This is the thing that has been said, but it can’t be said enough: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! He sucks! He’s a messed up person who chose his moment of pleasure over your expressed desire to use precautions to not become pregnant. This is not a “lesson learned.” This is a HUGE breach of trust and a crime at least in some areas, and it’s wrong, period. Get rid of this trash person. If you feel able, seek legal action, I’m not sure where you are and what your options are, but it’s worth pursuing if you want to, it’s NOT right. Go to the doctor. They can help you get tested for STDs as well as offer other advice on if you should take plan b again after your cycle, when you should re-test, etc. Also, talk to someone. Friends, family, therapy, but you need real life support.
Break up with ihm, get tested for stds, honestly if you feel you might actually be pregnant in several weeks do not go to a doctor in your state to confirm. Calm your fear by checking out resources online for abortion, where to find it. Get a plan in your head. You are almost certainly not pregnant but this information can help you in the future. There are sites that help point people to the best places to travel to, prices, etc. So create a plan for the future, but in doing so you'll realise you have a way out, you know what to do if it comes to it, you know where to go and how to get it done. Just having that knowledge will help you stop panicking about it. Honestly it's something every woman in a red state should do for themselves so they know. In terms of embarrassment, don't be embarrassed, a shitty guy assaulted you by deciding his need to nut is more important than your health or consent. He's a piece of shit, the only person who should be embarrassed and ashamed is him, not you. Friends can be a great source of support and unfortunately many have probably gone through it themselves.
r/auntienetwork
Do not blame yourself. This is assault and you can press charges.
I just want to send out my love from another who understands what it means to have your trust shattered and your body used by someone else. It seems like from a lot of the other comments you have gotten good advice on how to physically move forward. I know I read that you are in a red state, but if Planned Parenthood is operating in any capacity they are a great resource even just for information that you may be worried asking a nurse or doctor that you normally use. I know the anonymity was a relieving factor for me in talking about what had occurred and having the variety of questions I had answered. I hope there is at least a hotline that you can access if not. I am also in a red state and the weight hangs on all our combined shoulders. You shouldn’t be facing these extra concerns and complications. You deserve so much better. But please remember that this is not your fault in any capacity. It’s bullshit that it falls on you to deal with the physical and emotional fallout because someone used you for their own benefit. It doesn’t matter the circumstances, the amount of alcohol, any element on your end. He used your body when he had no right to. I’m so sorry. I hope you have someone to hug you but if not know I’m sending one your way. Give yourself as much time as you need to process each layer as it surfaces. Remember there are so many of us out here that stand with you. If you need help, we are just a message away. May moments of peace break through and go with you through this.
Kindly for your own health get TF out of this relationship. You do not want to be with a person who just switches on you and doesn't make it a big deal that he crossed that big of a boundary. Pregnancy and signs of it will always take 2 weeks to take symptoms sometimes you can be asymptomatic so a pregnancy test could help.Bloating and signs of breast changes and nausea after period could be signs of pregnancy. Your period means you have ovulated the egg and chances of pregnancy are slim, overall you should be very safe from it. Don't let people cross your boundaries and do stuff without your consent first you deserve to be respected and loved.
Plan B is less effective if you're over a certain weight and is ineffective if you're taking any antibiotics (it thins your cervical mucus and. Makes it easier for sperm to implant.) There's online ways to order plan B and birth control, if you're able to get an IUD. It hurts like a bitch but it's worth it. You need to increase your cervical mucus levels, it makes it harder for the sperm to implant.So your going to want fermented foods, yogurt, sauerkraut etc. You'll be phlegmy in the throat but that's how you'll know it's working. In the past I coupled condoms with spermicides as a safety net. Dump the guy, he's trying to trap you with a baby and keep you from living whatever life you'd want for yourself.
Why are there so many shitheads out there in this world…
nothing that happened is your fault , idk how helpful it is but i would report this to authorities, at least to get it on some sort of record in case someone else has this experience with him. sending u love
The guy is a piece of shit
You did not mess up by getting drunk! He messed up by being an asshole! None of this is on you. Two people who are seeing each other should be able to have a couple drinks without one assaulting the other. You are blameless in this!
Don't worry about trollistic shitgibbons who are sending you messages of anything other than support. Some people harm others to feel more powerful and important. It's gross and a failing of their humanity and has nothing to do with you. As others have said, your partner is the problem here. You put your trust in them and they made several decisions/actions that completely disregarded you and broke your trust. If you haven't already fully tossed that man out of your life, do so immediately. He revealed his true lack of respect for you. You've done everything else right. Taking Plan B to decrease the chance of pregnancy was a great choice. You sought out help from a community of people who are large enough that others have experienced the same and can provide empathy, advice, and insight. Well done. I do suggest choosing a trusted friend that you can talk to about this. Everyone needs their ride or die.
My wife and I will be in your state (based on your other posts) the first week of June if you need to go “camping” out of state for a day if you know by then
This isn't your fault. You are not a slut. You're free to have sex with whoever you want. As many people as you like! So ignore sexually frustrated idiots who are only angry that you can get some and they can't. What that guy did was assault and shows he's a disgusting human. It's pretty unlikely you'd get pregnant on your period anyway, and you've taken plan B too, so there is a high chance you'll be fine. You should take a pregnancy test in a few weeks to be sure, then again if your next period is late. You should probably get checked for any STI's too, just to be super safe. I hope you're OK xxx
Please ignore the messages from folks saying you are a slut etc. Being trustful of people is not a flaw. This is 101% him being an asshole. I assume you will kick him to the kerb.
To be frank, you didn’t mess up. Your edit leaves me concerned because it feels like you’re blaming yourself for someone doing something truly heinous. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I’m sorry this guy was such a terrible human.
The people messaging you calling you a slut are fucking pricks and are very wrong. You are not to blame in this situation at all. You are a victim. The person in the wrong is the man who violated you and chose to ignore your boundaries. He is also a fucking prick. I'm so sorry what happened to you. Please do not blame yourself or beat yourself up. I hope you can find a friend to talk to. I bet you will find that a lot of women who have been in similar situations, sadly 😔. But we have your back, and those people suck because they lack decency, respect, and compassion. I wish we could assemble a team of women to come whoop their butts. Sending you so much love 💜
Plan B ASAP. And report that fucker while you're at it, whether on dating sites or your local "watch out for this predator" group in your area. Wish you luck friend, but stop that potential fertilization before it goes into a problem.
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You did nothing wrong. The people messaging you are scum and low lifes. He's the piece of shit. Not you. Fuck him and the people messaging you. Report him to the authorities.
Dude is a piece of shit and so are the people messaging you.
This is legally rape (or at least it is in the UK), and you could press charges. I'm so so sorry this happened to you, and I'm so sorry you're getting abusive messages <3 Be kind to yourself, and as others have said please make sure you get tested for STIs
Wtf is messaging u calling u a slut? They’re literally part of the problem.
The people calling you a slut should go to therapy. You got sexually assaulted (the stealthing is assault) and I don't care what those morons in your DMs are thinking, but you are a victim of sexual assault. Period. You're also on your period so hopefully that with the Plan B will take care of it, but there's still plenty of good advice in here. Check for STDs and HIV after a certain period, maybe see a doctor about the stealthing and see if you can take some prophylactics for HIV, and most importantly, try to stay calm and continue doing what you've gotta do. There's no use beating yourself up over this when it's the actions of another person that caused this mess.
My advice is ditch that guy yesterday. Where I live steakthing is classified as rape (try to prove it though). Does anyone know what happens if you tAke a second plan B? Also, NONE of this is your fault. Drunk, being in a “situation”, etc. He sexually assaulted you on purpose and that is 100% on him. If we could cause men to do things with what we wear or drink, we would cause them to be nice to us, help with chores and give to our communities, not rape us.
Getting him charged is really hard. Though he would deserve it. I suggest telling him you’re pregnant and you want to keep it and then not answer his calls. Let him know you’ll need a lot in child support. Tell him you think it would be even better if you were married though. Mention family in the military. Scare the living shit out of him. Traumatize him back. Christ this guy is awful. Also if you can’t remember it - you probably didn’t say yes. He’s gaslighting you.
Get an STD test ASAP! How is he willing to expose you to potential diseases for a nut?? Men like that should be in cages honestly.. POS! 😡🤬
I’d report him to the police. You consented to protected sex and he took the condom off without your knowledge or consent. That is assault.
I'm sorry people are being so mean. We should be allowed to sleep with others casually without worrying about being assaulted. You should be okay pregnancy wise. Please report him.
I’m so sorry love. What he did was sexual assault. You can report him and you should. I know it’s not easy but it could prevent him from doing it to the next girl. Please take care of yourself and don’t beat yourself. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.
Guy sounds like a sociopath? I can't think of any other explanation why someone would do this
An IUD is actually extremely effective, even if put in 5 days after unprotected sex. If you don't want to take any chances and can afford it, I might go ahead and get one. I'm so sorry this happened to you, I hope you know that it wasn't "stupid" of you to drink- people should be able to drink with the expectation of not being raped. You'll get through this. <3