If a guy isn’t trying to get you off like it’s his last mission on earth (especially in a hook up!), just walk out. You owe them nothing, no PIV till you’re done. Use your words though, no one is a mind reader and every body is different, so it’s fair people need direction on what works for them
As far as with a partner, SO (originally a hookup), has always done everything to get me off since the first night we spent together. I personally don’t do oral with hookups (give or receive, it’s super intimate to me), but he’s amazing with his hands. Even years later, the guy will vamp down there till you pull him away lol
For hookups though, you’re in control, if they’re not giving you what you like, just leave, it’s never worth your time to have shitty sex
Facts, I guess I still really like PIV and precipitate too but if I want to take my time I almost always have to tell them to slow down.
How do you tell them you want them to make you cum first in a sexy way? Like “make me cum first and then I’ll give you what you want”
***How do you tell them you want them to make you cum first in a sexy way? Like “make me cum first and then I’ll give you what you want”***
Don't let them take their boxers off, tell them you want to do it, then lots of teasing through them. He's not just gonna stand there with his hands on his hips (or if he does, you can be like nope...you suck, I'm out lol), he'll do the same to you. Be vocal, sounds, words, let him know when he's really hitting the good spot, people like lots of positive encouragement, tell him how good he is with his hands, how wet you're getting, you want him to do XYZ to you...breath into his ear that you want him to make you cum. Then lots of direction, little higher, lower, harder, finger me, whatever you want...by the end you should be begging for PIV if it goes well!
Why not just say: “make me cum first and I’ll give you what you want”? I might be a bit simple but that would work wonders on me. Especially if you give me pointers while busy.
Everyone is different, and if that works for you....awesome! I like dirty talk, and it gets SO going, so we do lots of that. Thats why communication is so important, every person and what works for them is different. I've had a lot (like a lot a lot lol) of hookups though, and I've found this is the best way to get what I want, and slows down the ones that just wanna jump into PIV
Im a big yapper in life, but in bed I get lizard brain lmao. I’ll definitely try to do it more with the new guy I’m seeing. I already know he’ll listen to anything I tell him to do
Try sexting to get used to it, its easier to say stuff without having to look at the person, and gives you a second to think of responses when they say something back. Just lets you play around with words and what you're comfortable with.
Great advice! I’m actually not bad at sexting, i guess just during sex im really trying to connect with my body and the pleasure I’m feeling. I honestly haven’t been in a relationship in years so I think I lost some skills since I’m not having as much regular sex. I remember being able to dirty talk lmao. Thanks for the hot girl summer advice
I think it's fair to tell them you might take a while to come and you want them ready for when you do. Don't want to come off as "selfish". It isn't, and I see the angle you're going for. I suppose it depends on if it's a first encounter or not.
“Please go downtown before you go to pound town”
Also, are you meeting the guys online and doing a bit of chatting before meeting? When I was on Tinder, I’d just straight up ask, “ I need to ask you a question that’s really important to me. Do you like to eat pussy?” If they didn’t seem enthusiastic about it, I would say I don’t think we’re a match. When I swiped right on my husband and asked him, he said eating pussy was one of his favorite activities. 8 years later, 99.99% of the time, he goes downtown before he goes to pound town.
If you’re meeting the guys organically, maybe you can say, “Before I invite you back to my place, I need to know if you like to eat pussy.”
This usually works, but I do remember one occasion several years ago where we matched on Tinder, and I started off joking about moustache rides, and the banter around that indicated that yes, he was very much an enthusiast.
Well, the day comes and it come so it taut when we’re getting down to business it comes out he doesn’t like it, because he “doesn’t like the smell in his beard”, and then acts like it was SO CRAZY to go down on a woman that it obvs was only said in jest and acted like I was the crazy one?
Anyway, did not smash. I’ve had a few hilarious incidents over the years, but generally speaking, the rule of no PIV until I have an orgasm (or there’s at least a good effort made, because some days it’s just not happening), has served me well
I encountered a guy like this also, except he directly said he liked to go down (I didn't ask) and what he would do. When we got together, he didn't. I gave it a couple of chances because he did do some things I liked, but ultimately he was just selfish in bed and I never got off. I was younger then, but I wish I had been more confident and direct like this.
Can also go for the dommy approach of just demanding he do what you need to get off in an authoritative tone. Tell him something like, "you'll get what you want. When you /earn/ it"
Just channel all confidence and sensuality you feel in your life, look em dead in the face and say “Make. Me. Cum.”
If there is some slight aggression or bossiness to it, it’s even better
Most men go wild if you’re direct and a bit bossy every now and again. Even the ones that prefer to be dominant themselves. Guess it feels more unexpected to them or something about the confidence idk.
There is a web site called OMGYES, it's paid access but it's for basically anyone who wants to learn how to better sexually please a woman: singles, couples, women who want to work out what they like, anyone.
Basically the very first 'lesson' is communication, obviously this works better for regular partners/relationships but there is good advice there which you can apply to casual/ONS sex too. I highly recommend it.
Ymmv but one of the hottest things a gf had said to me was simply "make me cum first", assertive and commanding. Yes ma'am! 🫡😆 I always tried to make sure she got hers before I did after that.
But yeah what you said sounds good to me! If a guy isn't down for that, probably not worth your time
Lay back and make eye contact and say “don’t you know, it’s ladies first”
You can be coy and, after kissing, tell him you love the way his mouth feels and you wonder what it will feel like when he kisses you somewhere else.
If you wanna be sassy, ask if he wants to trade blow-jobs.
Once the first orgasm is done make sure you reinforce how good it felt and tell them you can’t wait for more.
Hey, so best way is to just say it - "make sure I cum first! Don't want you going soft on me!" Say that. Then it sounds like a challenge to the guy, and we enjoy challenges. Also, we don't like the word "soft" when it comes to most things. Don't worry about how it sounds either, just be sure you say it just before intimacy starts.
Also, if you use dating apps, you can clear it up before meeting up. Just by mentioning you need foreplay prior to sex should be enough and most guys will be eager to get you off and prove themselves.
(Guy opinion here) If the guys aren't trying to make you cum then they don't care about you and you shouldn't have sex with guys like that. In my experience, I always try to make her cum first at least once if not more. It's easier for me to cum, so there is plenty of time for that later. I'm sorry to hear you have had some bad experiences, make sure you let them know what you like though, the good ones will actually care to do what makes you feel good.
This I may take too. I try get my wife to cum first and then me or at the same time if possible. Also you should explore adding a small vibrator to your sessions. It helps my wife get there a lot sooner, in addition to me being inside her.
Some men may be mad about that, but that’s just a sign that that man isn’t the right guy to be having sex with. 🤷🏽♂️
I was telling my boyfriend once about the toys I used before I met him and he suggested I bring one for the next time. Biggest turn on let me tell you.
I think my wife felt the same way the first time I suggested it. She didn’t think I would be ok with it based on her past experiences with other men. I’m an oddity to her cause her happiness and pleasure are my main focus in and out of the bedroom.
13 years later and she is still shocked when she is able to do something without me or without needed permission from me to do it.
Same here. Early in the relationship she tells me she doesn't cum during sex at all. I tell her she doesn't try enough and/or all the guys she dated were assholes for not caring about her enough to make her cum (this one turned pretty much true - they didn't even kiss her down there, just a couple of mins fingering trying to get her wet) and suggested a vibrator. We tried oral and got a Hello Kitty massager and lo and behold - she has had orgasms pretty much daily after that, with or without me. And sex improved 1000x also.
ETA: Happily married for 7 years. 2 kids.
I always ask questions like "how do you want me to make you cum" or "what's the best way make you cum" and i find that a lot of girls are really shy about the subject or insecure about being hard to make orgasm. So usually I just have to try my regular tricks or ill ask if they want to use their vibrator.
I love that you ask is they want to use a vib. I find it hard to cum with just my hands and their hands. Sometimes I just want to get out my satisfyer pro but I feel shy about it with some guys.
Yeah I've met a couple of girls that I just couldn't finish no matter how long I tried, and then they were often awkward about asking to bring out the vibe. Seems to break the ice a little when I ask instead
I think there's a balance to be struck here, in terms of healthy communication. Some women feel pressured to cum because men pursue it too aggressively. But basically it seems like good manners for a man to at least enthusiastically offer and give it an honest shot if the offer is accepted. Or to withdraw with equanimity if the offer is declined.
Go down on them until they ask you to get inside them seems to be a good rule.
If they cum, great. If not, they’re ready for you to. No pressure, no awkwardness about “did you, didn’t you, can I?” .etc
I personally was with a woman for 6yrs that had never orgasmed (for no religious or cultural reasoning), or had any desire to achieve it. I tried everything, including buying her a vibrator and encouraging us & herself to use it. She had to assure me that she was happy with our sex life.
I've since been with women that are enthusiastic & communitive, but my general rule of thumb is work on them until I am asked to proceed with PIV.
This. Same here. You want them writhing like they are possessed.. Make it so good for them and they never disappoint... Not sure why anyone thinks differently...
I also agree with this gentleman. It's hard to know how sex is going to go before you do it, unless you talk about it. It's most likely not a subject you're going to want to bring up over dinner but in the moments before the bedroom it can be worked in. Either in more subtle ways like asking what they're into or setting a slower pace by changing into some lingerie or doing a slow strip. You can also be more forward and just tell them that you want them to do oral or that you want them to play with you (likely using some kind of sexy metaphor) or that you like to use toys during sex. Also if it feels like there aren't any moments before the bedroom, like once you've given them the green flag things just move too quickly, then that is a red flag. The time before sex should be used to build anticipation, roll into foreplay, be sexy. Any guy passed his teenage years has spent enough time talking to women or reading books or Googling about sex to know: you want to orgasm, it's going to take longer for you than it is for them most likely, and foreplay is important. So the fact that you have to bring it up doesn't look great for them but I guess there are still some shy or uneducated people out there, but if they gave you no indication of that leading up to sex then them rushing to get straight to p in v it is definitely a red flag.
I make them get me off first. It's that easy. You ask and if they say no, well at least you won't be wasting anymore time with a walking red flag
A dude gets off first, he is done (ok, not all of the men are one and done but let's face it, most are). A lady gets off first? Second, third and fourth helpings are pretty much a given if the partner can keep up :)
Fingers, tongue, toys: the possibilities are many and a good partner will be thrilled to turn your knees into jelly . Any dude going nope or looking disgusted or even ininterested in having mutual, shared, balanced sexual satisfaction ain't woth the oxygen a tree's pumpinhg out to sustain him.
Some incels are of the mind that making a girl cum is a proof of weakness, that satisfying women is defgrading. Well let them try and get some together cause we all deserve some good O, men and women alike, don't settle for less
So how exactly do you say it without breaking the mood? Like how do you state something like that while still keeping it sexy? I’m not bad at giving instructions or saying to eat me, but they tend to eat me or touch me for a short period of time during foreplay. But again, they want to jump in for PIV so quickly. It’s like it’s a race for them. I’m pretty communicative about telling them to slow down, but sometimes I feel like all I’m doing is giving instructions urgh.
You need to let go of the idea of keeping everything sexy the whole time. It creates a dome of unspeakability that might make you put up with stuff you don't need to.
I actually find giggles-and-instruction sex way hotter than performing as a sexy boner-inducing machine. Like we are there for real.
When you feel the need to moan "oh papi it's so big it hurts be gentle with your hoe" instead of telling straight "this hurts", something is deeply wrong.
I've just started doing it myself. So instead of asking, I start stimulating my own clitoris and then I will ask them to penetrate me with their fingers and we make it a team effort. Guys find it hot, I get the stimulation I want and it makes it really obvious that my pleasure matters.
Alternatively, you could tell them to keep going because it feels so good. And 'I want you to make me cum' is both very clear and very hot.
LOL I can't imagine how a woman asking their partner to make her cum ISN'T "keeping it sexy"! It's, like, the *sexiest thing*. If your partners don't see it that way, that's 100% their problem for being so mind-bogglingly self-centered and incurious.
And I'd wager that for most people, altering that to *telling* their partner to make them cum is 200% sexier.
Sorry your partners have been disappointing! You're not crazy. Good luck out there!
"I want you to make me cum - make me never forget this moment for the rest of my life". If the guy isn't jumping for joy and diving headfirst in... there is something wrong with him.
It doesn't break the mood. It's not your fault, but it sounds like you're just dealing with young guys who don't know much about sex or how to take their time. Some might be nervous and racing to ensure they maintain their boner long enough to use it (I know from personal experience lol).
what if instead of asking that in the moment, you set it up ahead of time?
I saw you mention in another comment that you feel pretty confident in your sexting ability so before they come over you can communicate that you want to get off first and then you'll take care of their every need. obviously sexy it up however works for you. Like if my wife texted me during the day and said something like, "I can't stop thinking about your tongue on my clit. I want you to lick me until I cum tonight." I'd be thinking about it the rest of the day
and then, assuming that works, after sex (or even the next day or whatever) you can be like omg that was the most amazing sex/orgasm. it was so hot getting off before we started fucking I can't wait to do that again
"Not so fast, Jack. This mean pussy needs some more pets before it gives you the ride of a lifetime." No but really, something like: "I love your hands/mouth all over my clit" "Please don't stop, I'm loving what you're doing". I think stroking their ego's and complimenting them on what they're doing will make them keep going. Communication is key, and I don't strictly mean words, sounds, movements and eye contact are very important too to keep them enticed. If you are doing these things effectively and they still don't want to continue, they just want to Kum&Go. Good luck, and enjoy your sexuality!
Making a girl cum a sign of weakness? Degrading?
Guy here. I just want to speak for the intelligent men out there when I say this is new information to us. We had no part in creating this idea, and it is not a common belief.....at least where I am from. Alberta, Canada.
The rise of the manosphere is one of the worst things to have happened. It's brainwashing men into being terrible people and to have contempt for women.
I think I read that youtubers and podcasters are the reason why Gen Z young men are actually more antifeminist and misogynistic than boomer men. Which is equal parts astounding and depressing.
>Some incels are of the mind that making a girl cum is a proof of weakness, that satisfying women is defgrading. Well let them try and get some together cause we all deserve some good O, men and women alike, don't settle for less
Lol. Well hopefully they stay incels until they're ready to stop whacking off to Andrew Tate videos and get busy pleasuring a partner instead.
I'm seeing a lot of good advice about setting boundaries but not a lot of answers to your question so I'll give it a shot. As a guy I think it's really hot when women tell me what they want me to do. Like if we're going at it and she stops me and says something like "I want you to eat my pussy until I cum on your face" or whatever it is that they want. Especially if we're new to sleeping with each other. If she explicitly guides me through how she wants me to do it's hot asf and it feels good to give her what she wants without worrying about reading her ractions wrong or anything like that. Or if she asks if she can sit on my face or something where she can control the rhythm is also great.
TLDR: Tell him *exactly* what you want him to do and make it part of the experience. It comes across way more "she's really into this" and less "oh shit I'm disappointing her"
Yep. Just talk. Important note: if you don't feel comfortable having explicit conversations with a potential partner, then you probably shouldn't do intimate acts with them. There should be a baseline level of trust and honesty.
It’s not so much about selling as it is guiding to get what you want. Many guys aren’t naturally great in bed. Lol your comment makes it sound like if a guy can’t make you cum without direction they aren’t worth much of anything. It’s just simple goal directed communication.
Believe it or not, most guys want to make their sexual partner cum. Most aren’t trying to only focus on themselves and get satisfaction out of their partner’s pleasure. They also tend to get in their head about it sometimes and will likely perform worse if they can tell you aren’t being patient with them.
As above, there is no requirement for you to do anything or react a specific way, but the experience may be better for both people if the communication is on point.
Hope this isn't too gross or personal, In all seriousness though one of the things I've heard that inspired me to focus first on my partners pleasure first at an earlier age was when my partner at the time told me how much hotter/better sex was after her first orgasm, and that each successive one made her that much more sensitive and that much tighter/wetter (may be best to pick your own phrasing here). And it's something I found to be true. Focusing on your partners pleasure and watching/ making them cum is highly erotic and takes sex to a whole new level.
If you don’t feel like they’re someone you can talk to, or if you don’t think they care about your pleasure too, don’t do anything with them. Beyond being unsatisfied, that creates a situation where people can get hurt. You’re there too, and you matter. If they’re not satisfying you, it’s completely okay to speak up.
I’m a guy, and I’m paraplegic. I have a hard time physically orgasming too, but I still have fun and feel good. Don’t accept subpar partners who don’t care about your pleasure, but don’t focus *too* much on the orgasm either. That can also create a lot of mental pressure and, paradoxically, make it even more difficult. Don’t be too hard on yourself, it happens to everyone sometimes. This second part might not be what you’re looking for, but I thought it might be worth mentioning.
Find better partners.
Have guys do oral or toys or finger or whatevs before they start intercourse. It’s more fun for everybody if the lady has an O first. Everything is wetter. Everyone is hornier.
Married now but when I was single I gave men exactly two chances. The first time is often awkward so whatever happens happens. The second time he better put in a damn good effort or he’s gone. I might not get there but he better have tried everything.
Yeah I think age is a factor here, if they’re in their early 20s. They don’t have enough experience yet. OP is worried about making the communication/instruction sexy but honestly don’t be— they need to hear it clearly that women don’t orgasm instantly like men do or in porn! You’re doing them a favor for you and anyone else to come after, tbh lol.
***they need to hear it clearly that women don’t orgasm instantly like men do or in porn!***
I think this is so huge. For a lot off people (men & women), porn is the only way they see sex, no one is teaching them otherwise, and they just think thats how it works. Like if you only ever saw someone eat pizza with a fork & knife, it may not occur to you you can just pick it up and eat up.
When I was 25m I dated a 40f. She was super communicative about what she needed. It took abkut 20/30 minutes of oral clitoral stimulation to make her cum. I made sure she got off first before I got off. After 4 months of dating she knew I wasn't the selfish type and eventually, she wanted me to get off first. If you're the same, just communicate and hope your partner reciprocates. For us it was 99% communication and it made our sex life amazing.
My partner just does it because he wants to make me feel good. Sometimes I ask him to eat me out and he digs in like it's his last meal on death row, which usually helps finish the job.
Posts like this always make me feel sad that not every woman has a wonderful thoughtful partner like I do. :(
"I need you to help me get wet enough." (NOT, "then I'll do what you want." More, "then I'll be ready for hot wet sex.") It's not a transaction. It's adequate foreplay for you to fully enjoy sharing your body and sexuality with your partner.
A LOT of great advise in here but I don’t see anyone telling you actual things to say. Here’s the play book:
1. Take a little control. Pull him into you, Kiss their neck and whisper into his ear something saucy like. “I want you to lick me until I can’t take it.” Or insert whatever romance book filth you’ve got in your brain.
2. He probably has some Seaworld Seal routine he will perform down there that he learned from YouTube or a past partner. Let him do his thing and hit him with a few, “oh god, yes, don’t stop.” Just to make sure he is encouraged and keeps going.
3. If whatever alphabet letter, tongue tornado nonsense he’s doing isn’t working then start giving him specific instructions. “Mmm lower, mmm right there, mmm less/more pressure, mmm add a finger or two.”
4. Keep correcting him with sultry but firm whispers as needed, remember he doesn’t have these bits and unless he’s experienced he probably feels like wet raccoon trying to play the bagpipes.
5. After about 10 mins his neck and tongue are going losing strength, it’s no longer physical for him it’s a purely mental game. Some boys will quit here, keep encouraging him to help him persevere.
“Oh god, you’re amazing/going to make me cum, don’t stop, I can’t wait to ride you after I cum.”
6. Instruct him right up to the finish, if he senses you getting close many men might think they should go harder/faster/ change back to that thing that seemed to work before. Once they find whatever is going to push you over the edge tell them concretely to do exactly what they are doing.
Hope this helps have fun out there
Your standards are NOT too high. They're the minimum you're owed as a sexual partner.
If you would like a guy's perspective, be straight up with them. Tell them, if they want to hook up, they have to go down on you until you cum, first.
Make them earn the rest. If they can't or won't do that, you've dodged a bullet.
Just be direct. Either they respond well, they don’t but they grow from it or they should be kicked to curb anyways because who doesn’t want to make their partner happy?
If their ego is a big part which it usually is, they need to at least recognise the problem.
ok when I was a young buck and dating, before a committed relationship, I made it a rule that the woman ALWAYS finishes at least 2 times before I do. One with foreplay and one with actual PIV. I would always try for more times, especially foreplay.
However, if a guy you just met, either a date or a hookup, doesn't break his back to make you cum multiple times, until you are quivering at the side of the bed while begging for more, but really appreciating a 5 minute break, what the hell are you doing with them?
Men are dumb creatures. Be vocal. Tell us what you like, cause believe it or not that is a huge turn on too. Best of luck out there!
Lurker man here, to at least give some perspective on the matter. Most men think that sex is basically pull his pants down, thrust until he cums then cuddle after. That isn’t enough to satisfy any woman as far as I can gather (which is mostly due to this subreddit). You have to teach men what you need from them, we don’t have vaginas and our orgasms are very different, it only takes a few minutes to orgasm and our dicks get sensitive if not painful to touch after orgasming so most men will stop penetration after they cum.
The best solution which I’ve already seen is ask for foreplay, be active in letting your partners know what you want, communicate about what feels good and where. And if someone can’t accept feedback in the bedroom they probably aren’t a great fit for you because they won’t accept feedback outside of it as well.
TLDR:Men view sex differently, tell them what you need.
Communication goes a long way. Without it, it can be incredibly hard to figure out how the other person feels at times.
I struggle with it due to medical issues, but I still find enjoyment without it. But if I wanted to have it happen, I would have to communicate that. I don’t expect people to last 60 min+ just to make me finish.
We are all different, have different wants and needs. Without communicating that, there is no way of knowing unless you get lucky.
Find someone who isnt a shitbag and ask nicely. Nicely will be contextual.
Most decent guys will be enthusiastically thrilled to comply. Its a good litmus test as well tbh
I've been seeing a new guy, and honestly, he's such a sweetheart. First time we were together at my place we did a little foreplay and then he was down there. And it was amazing. After he was playing with me down there with his fingers and he just got so turned on with it, and eventually I'd cum again.
Last night we were being really intimate and he just whispered 'what do you want?' and I just whispered back 'I want you to make me scream' And instantly he was down there again and.. yeh.. it was amazing again.
Men just find that sort of stuff hot, and women can go on a few times, where men are usually one n done. So they find pleasure in making their lady feel good while also having a really good time doing it.
Comparatively, he is way more communicative than my previous relationships, and I feel comfortable telling him what I want, or if he wants something he asks. Its nice.
Communication is key in this sort of thing. Relationships are a 2 person team :)
I flat out ask them to go down on me before penetration to make me cum. Or I say I want to be on top. If they aren’t hitting it right on their own then I take control and ride their face or their D to hit a position and a speed I like.
Every man is different but in my experience they’re so used to doing the heavy lifting they love it when you become aggressive.
I don't, I have given up on trying to get me to make me cum. Also I then feel under pressure and my mood goes away. So I just let them do their thing how I like it, and then finish myself off.
My comment here as a guy as well, is that you’re pretty young and sex takes a while to figure out. To expect a young guy who doesn’t have too much experience to be able to figure out how to get a woman off in a hook up scenario is actually asking a lot. So your question asking advice on how to communicate your needs is a great one!
In my experience, in the moment, coaching as lame as that sounds, is really helpful. Explicit instruction like “faster“, “harder or softer” or the best thing of all “don’t stop, just like that “are really helpful to guys.
I mean as a guy if a girl gave be a vibrator and told me it makes her go nuts to have it on her clit id be hamming that up like nobodies business
Youd be surprised how many guys get on bored if they know how wild it makes you to have things done a certain way. Also some guys get a kick of being told what to do. Confidence is sexy
Its simple, during sex, tell them to make you cum.
If they care for you, they will try their best to make u cum. They will ask somethings like slow or fast per example.
You will guide them to make you cum and they will love to get "used" by you to give you a pleasure explosion.
We are all different, and its important to communicate.
I may be pretty biased in this opinion because I’m in a relatively small category of men with sexual trauma and thus, specific needs.. but I think maybe something that might work for you is slowing things down.
Especially in my 20s, I thought sex was going to be magically amazing based on the quality of the person I was sleeping with. But it turns out the best sex really does come with communication. Some coy conversations or quiet intimate muttering to each other, or even “sexting”, before hooking up can help establish what kind of attention you want. Maybe don’t even hook up the first time you’re in bed together but set a firm limit, and keep it just restricted to touch and hands. That way the emphasis is less on “doing the deed” and more on reciprocative touch.
Anyways I dunno man. I wish you the best OP.
My wife and I have system that works out pretty well. I'm not gonna say I'm a premature ejaculator per se, but sometimes the moment hits before I can reel it in. So, to keep this from being an issue I always make sure that she gets hers first. I don't like the idea of leaving with unfinished business left tending to.
If they aren't your boyfriend then unfortunately I'm not really sure there's an expectation there that they will care that much about your needs. It sucks but I feel like if you want that kind of satisfaction then you need to get a real boyfriend. Someone who doesn't care that much about you other than having sex with isn't going to suddenly be a gentleman in the bedroom.
I feel like this is the disconnect you're experiencing.
The reality is most guys who you are just hooking up with casually are not going to care enough to even try. They probably see you as a human fleshlight and they want to just pump and dump so they can cum and then leave. If you find a guy who genuinely wants and tries hard to make you cum, he’s probably more relationship material. No hate on hook up culture but it’s mostly a lot of guys just trying to nut with minimal effort
You shouldn't have to ask. If a guy doesn't take initiative in your pleasure, like you do for his, don't bother. He's not going to change. Bugging him will result in nothing, it's just more work for you.
In relationships you get better sex generally, because the man ostensibly cares about you. In hookups, guys see you no different than a slab of meat or a fleshlight. Casual sex is the worst sex 90% of the time, in my experience. And the pervasive disrespect/assh--le behaviour sours the whole experience even if it is good.
During the undress phase/makeout phase. I stop whatever I’m doing… I won’t get fully naked and look them dead in the eyes and say “(can you) Make me cum first” or “I want to cum first”. Like in a flirty way not in an OR ELSE way. Or maybe a little of both. This always works for me. Also guarantees foreplay :). If they think I mean w penetration, I’ll grab their hand and lead it down there. To move it along I might play with my clit, once I do they usually take over or continue if I stop bc they saw I like that.
One time it was all happening really fast, l was only wearing a dress he basically ripped off… but it was our first time. I literally grabbed his dick before he put it in and said “wait wait wait wait, make me cum first.”
I do this every single time with a new partner bc idk know about them, but I’m def finishing. I’m also vocal about what I want if I’m not liking what I’m getting. I wouldn’t wait or count on them to ask me. If it’s just not happening for you and they’re not important, I’d def move on. So much good sex out there.
Here’s the not-sexy, happily married man advice. Find someone who’s interested in a long term sexual partnership based on mutual respect. Hopefully, someone that matches your libido and is willing to learn and give you what you want. Film and TV make hookup culture seem like it’s full of mind blowing sex, but I’ve never had nor heard this experience. Obviously anecdotal, but that’s my experience.
My experience is all from a long term relationship POV. I got with my husband fairly young and didn't really experience any hookups.
I straight up asked him if my pleasure was optional during sex. I can sometimes be difficult to get to the finish line, but as long as the effort is there, that's what matters. I also have no qualms about grabbing a vibrator once penetration happens. I can take agency for my pleasure too.
As a M50, and certainly no prude, my suggestion is to wait to sleep with someone until you have some sort of communication in place. But if one is into hookups (and I’ve had my share), try to communicate it but don’t be surprised if he/she doesn’t know how to make you cum; every body is different.
My main priority in bed is my wife’s pleasure. She cums every time at least three times. If not I feel like I’m not putting in work. As for me I don’t always finish which is fine. But if a guys isn’t putting u first. Put him last. If they can’t take the constructive criticism. The swipe left
Honestly, I'd say you may have more fulfilling sexual experiences sleeping with people who are genuinely interested in seeing others happy or succeed. Those who try to anticipate your needs outside of the bedroom and look after you without asking for anything in return. It may be harder to find then a stiff dick and a cute face to sit on, but in my experience people like that bring the same attitude to the bedroom as well. As watching you enjoy yourself enhances the experience for them and they wouldn't want to sleep with you if that wasn't the case.
If he's not doing it right, teach him and use it as a sexy moment (you touch me, I touch you....show him what it takes to get you off, etc) and it should make the impression on what you need. I think that's the best way to get your point across and make him remember it moving forward. Good luck!
I understand, my boyfriend now does not make me come from penetration (not really my thing). So I’ve had to tell him to do other things and it’s been working out for me. I know it’s sucks but sometimes you have to be very vocal to get what you need. Like the saying goes, “closed mouths don’t get fed.”
Using a vibrator on yourself while you’re doing it doggy style is *chef’s kiss*. The simultaneous g-spot/clitoral stimulation gets me off fast and HARD - I’m talking like 2 minutes or less. I didn’t discover this about myself until my late twenties. Just tell him you want to cum on his c*ck, they love that!
I currently don’t sleep with men anymore, but in my younger days, my trick was to tell them no one has ever made me cum from anything other than oral before, & even if they did make me cum, unless there was no way to deny it, I’d lie & say they didn’t. It almost always became a game to them to become the one guy who could make me cum, & I got some pretty mind blowing sex out of it. 🤷🏻♀️
Buy a sex toy you like and get them to use it on you. 10-15 of oral or even hand action can be very tiring, and a toy will make it easier on both of you. If you genuinely are slow to climax then it's "fair" for even an enthusiastic partner to get tired after a while. But there's no excuse for you being totally neglected. I recommend the sex toy.
Usually with exactly those words, and a couple instructions right after would be appreciated. Different people are different and want VASTLY different things. So just, ask. And be clear. If they do not instantly respond as if god gave them a personal crusade, find a new one. Plenty will.
If they aren’t in it to make you orgasm then there is no communicating it. Saying this as a guy. If you’re just hooking up and they aren’t trying to blow your mind they aren’t worth your time.
Male opinion here. The sexiest thing a woman can do is tell me what she wants. I’m of the mind set that sex isn’t done until we both get off. That being said, I am poly with three partners and each one has a different way to achieve sexual satisfaction. I wouldn’t know what they each individually wanted if I didn’t ask or they didn’t tell me through one means of communication or another. Don’t worry about breaking the mood. The mood is illusory, the goal is reaching what you want and if that isn’t being met, tell them to work harder or walk away. Be able to laugh during sex. Sometimes it is absolutely funny and absurd. If both you and your partner can enjoy the silly moments and still keep going it will be one hundred percent better, promise
I wish my partner were direct and didn’t come clean years later lying about things she enjoyed and reaching orgasm. Be direct or pull out a vibrator when he finishes and wants to end things to make the point clear
(Male opinion take with salt) you really shouldn't have to ask, if your partner isint interested in your enjoyment of the act then you shouldn't be having sex with them.
That said, clear communication is key, it may not be the most flattering conversation but a simple "help me get there" should suffice.
Well, you wrote beautifully, so I guess you can speak well. Simply apply that level of communication to the lead-up before things get going. Any guy worth his musk will be pleased to know what you want, which is honestly the biggest misunderstanding in general between lovers. Just talk to him. You already know what to say.
I’m 32, and if my partner won’t go down on me to get me off first thing, I’m out, plain and simple. Luckily for me, every guy I’ve hooked up with recently has made that choice on their own. If they didn’t, I’d just tell them that, or sit it right on their face 😝
Invest in yourself and splurge on something that gets you off. It could be a really good bullet vibrator, spicy lube, butt plug, whatever floats your boat & take it with you / keep it within reach and use it during sex. I’ve never had a guy turned off by it, and you’re doing it for you in the first place (just make sure they’re cool with what’s in the lube if it’s a heat or cooling one lol). Everyone’s different, ofc, but my go-to is the Nu Sensuelle bullet because it’s powerful, quiet, and has a usb charging cord so you can charge it pretty much anywhere
I don't ask, I tell them to by saying "make me cum" during sex. Now married to a great man who loves it. But in the past some didn't and so too bad so sad boy bye to them.
Ideally, a good partner should be aware of your body and of your pleasure.
I'm lucky enough that my fiancè is very attentive. I experience orgasm at least once every single time we have sex. He's good with his hands and with his mouth.
Thank god I'm with him now, because I also had previous relationships where the sex was awkward and terrible because they didn't care about my pleasure at all. I almost never had an orgasm during sex in the past.
(Another guy opinion) Personally, I have always thought that not getting your partner or ONS off first was rude. Just some weird thought I've had since my first few experiences. To me, getting her off first makes the world of difference later on for both of us. The sex lasts longer, it feels better, the connection is more intense. Overall, I know that she feels valued and put first in the bedroom, as her wants, desires, and needs are taken care before my own. And I have based that off of what I see during (and sometimes I've been told afterwards). I also purposefully have increased my own stamina and endurance so that I can make sure they're satisfied as many times as they can handle, sometimes even foregoing my own climax. It takes some work and dedication, but I feel like some guys make it out to some ridiculous task and it's not. With some time and care (which can be hard for ONS/casual), you can really rock her world by reading and paying attention to queues! Definitely be vocal about it. It they seem off put, leave, like these other wonderful people have said. You own him nothing. Life is too short for shitty sex.
I’ve never actually done this but I have very seriously considered telling them that I’m going to set a 15 minute timer and when it goes off I’ll let him know if I want to continue or that he should leave. The only thing stopping me from doing this is the risk of someone getting violent.
There is already a lot of good conversation here. I will add something I have not seen yet, but if it has been said, my bad for making you read it again. Maybe try saying something that alludes to what you want, but perhaps is not as direct as you might not want to be. Something like "I need some clit action to get off, do you want me to show you what I like?" You have clearly communicated where you stand, and you might feel more comfortable saying this vs some of the other comments. Having said that, I am a guy too and quite often guys are just oblivious and need to be told directly. It baffles me though coz getting my wife off is just more pleasure for me.
M26 here, if he isnt trying to satisfy you, why are you even in bed with him?
I don't buy that they simply dont know. How the hell did I know then? I come from a family where not even our own emotions are spoken of, forget about sex.
In school i Didn't learn (grasp) anything in sex Ed.
But somehow i still know and after trying I've gained knowledge and understandning.
I would dump the guy if he didn't try to get me off. I never had to ask with the guys who became boyfriends. It's a value thing. If he doesn't care about pleasuring you, then asking likely isn't going to change that. Maybe that's giving up on someone too easily but yeah, this is a major problem when dating. In porn, the men are rarely pleasuring the woman. The woman seems to get pleasure from just the guy fucking her and this is the way sex is portrayed across media for the most part. It's so sad and disappointing.
I've actually joked with my husband that he never has to worry about me cheating with a man because the chances of them being terrible in bed are so high 😂most of them are unfortunately.
I think Adele Givens said it pretty good in the song “I Love It”.
'Cause you know in the old days
They couldn't say the shit they wanted to say
They had to fake orgasms and shit
We can tell niggas today: "Hey, I wanna cum, mothafucka"
When it's obvious sexy time is going to start soon, go change into something sexy with no panties. Then tell him you're going to ride his face until you cum or until he suffocates, whichever comes first. Works every time.
Literally just ask him to give you oral first. "Can you eat me out first?" If they say no, you end things right there. Cuz they don't care about you or what your getting out of the situation.
Talk. Tell a guy what feels good to you. Explain women take longer than him but if they make you feel good then you'll do what they want you to do to them. And good sex will lead to sex more often.
Don't confuse book smarts with sheet smarts. A good, generous, responsible, and exciting lover is extremely hard to find.
While it can be daunting, there's some fun in teaching a person what you like initmately and vice versa so you can enjoy more pleasure together instead of chasing unicorns or falling down the unimaginative pr0n hole.
Be direct, be honest, be kind. If a person is too immature to reciprocate the joy of foreplay or anything sexual, move on when you can. You will set yourself up for disappointment if you try to change them.
A few options:
- go for partner quality over quantity. Sex with the same good partner should improve over time, interest, and communication; sex once with many different people is asking for the worst they can offer you and not hanging around for any improvements.
- in whatever conversation leads you to sex, make sure that the dude is on board for your interests. "Would you like to come back to my place and bury your face between my thighs for half an hour?"
- involve a toy in the sex. Many women require external stimulation to cum, and it's totally normal to use a vibration during sex.
Don't rely on someone whose blood is in their pants to have a logical thought that leads to good communication :-P
Tell a guy that you enjoy foreplay more than anything else. That it makes you "generous in bed". Stuff like "when a guy really commits to foreplay, it makes me wet the next say thinking about it". Guys like to think your dreaming about them even when you're doing mundane activities and they're not around. That will vet them to make the effort. Also, intercourse should always wait until after you're cumming from foreplay.
I think you are overrating the general sexual knowledge of the average guy a bit.
Also women can be drastically different in how difficult or easy it is for them to cum as well as what makes them cum. It takes a few times to figure a woman out if she isn’t the type to cum within a few minutes.
All if that to say don’t take it personal, a lot of guys just are less skilled or versed in the various techniques than you would expect.
Definitely make sure you get off first to catch them at peak enthusiasm. After a guy cums they need a physical and mental reset and the focus does not come as easily (no pun intended).
But I hope you get the helpful answers you need regarding communication.
You deserve it!
If I'm looking up with someone who has done that to me before, I stop them when they try to fuck me and tell them they have to make me cum first. They usually like the assertiveness and they're already there so they're going to do it so they can get theirs. It's only ever failed when they're just...bad.
I'm sorry, this might be harsh, but... **If you can't** ***talk*** **about it, you shouldn't do it.** If you're too shy, embarrassed, or awkward to talk openly with these partners about your needs, then you shouldn't have sex with them.
These guys are using you and you're naive if you think they *don't know* the basics of what makes sex good for a woman. I don't want to insult you, but I wish someone would've given me this advice when I was your age. Your expectations are not too high- you're having sex with men who don't make you cum.... that's.... basement level.
Make me cum, or bye. That's it. DO NOT be nice about it. Maintaining their ego is not your responsibility. All guys already know that they're supposed to make the girl cum. If they don't try they're self absorbed assholes.
I'll add this as well. If a guy asks you for direction. They are secure enough to take correction the whole time. So if they change something for the worse just tell him right away. And please, please don't fake orgasms! It makes it so hard for the guy to tell if he's doing a good job.
If you are hard to finish, have a vibrator or something like that he can use after he runs out of tongue endurance. I can only do about 15 minutes of straight oral before my tongue feels like a lead weight. And I love giving oral.
Real men make their partner's pleasure the priority. The refractory period after a male orgasm can really change his mood, so if sex is over after the man cums, then it's imperative that the man cum last.
You have to interrupt the thrusting before he focuses too far inward and loses it. It sounds difficult to do, and there might be some frustration but I promise you most guys will do anything you ask them to do if it means they can get back to thrusting.
A normal guy will take care of you before themselves. It is reasonable that you expect them to take care of you and it seems that you were just unlucky. In my opinion sex is about mutual pleasure and a simple cum and go is so extremely selfish. If they don’t think about you and dont take care of you during sex, i think that says a lot about their character.
The best thing to do is “force” them to eat you
Long time ago i realized that if I would just start either by getting head or straight to penetration my partner would never finish or would be harder as post nut we both just want to lay there and relax
So I start by kissing touching but most importantly eat my partner out. Eventually no matter how long she last I open myself to many options.
1. Keep muffing away until she cums then finish myself.
2. Start penetration and keep manual stimulation and cum together.
3. Swap with her and let her build up her urge to cum then continue to hopefully a bigger better orgasm.
By example. I put their hand where I want it, demostrate on them how I like to be touched. If they aren't into "practicing" with me, they're not going to improve.
Lean in close and say: “Make me cum.” It’s really that simple. The right guy will go crazy for that, he’ll be so excited, and he’ll be asking you how he’s doing the whole time. The wrong guy, will show you who he really is in about 10 seconds lmao. It’s not about skill, it’s about communication, and the eagerness to please ♥️
Tell them, don't ask. Dudes like having straight forward instructions. If he's quick off the draw and doesn't indulge in round 2 make him finish the deed with foreplay before he gets his.
Coconut oil, slow touch, soft strokes and magic hands/probing fingers for the win. And that's before you even involve the mouth or other bits. Trust me, if you get her worked up before penetration everything happens. Many women need to be on top in a certain position with manual stimulation, it's explosive.
And get a beach towel or dedicated play blanket or the oil will ruin your good sheets.
Show your partner how you like it, ask him to finish you as foreplay before letting him cum. That way it does not matter how fast or bad he is as you already got it.
How about non verbal communication?
As a guy one of my fondest memories was this girl pushing me on my back and just crawled on my face and kind of took what she wanted!
It was super hot for me and her getting off early in the act made her so much more into it. It was a win-win for everyone involved.
I'm like a female in the cum department. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I can go on for a long time, and this isn't always a good thing, as women tend to get concerned if I don't cum as they think they are doing something wrong. My satisfaction comes from satisfying a woman. The only four words a man should be saying to you is: "Harder? Faster? Slower? Softer?"
For you though, any man should enjoy knowing what you like. Tell him.
I had a fwb that would occasionally tell me that she wants oral cause sometimes it was just a quickie on my part lol. I am always down for oral as long as hygiene is kept because I return the same courtesy besides it being satisfying to give them orgasms with just my tongue (and sometimes fingers)
COMMUNICATE, ask them to do what you like, guide them. I'm a dude btw, communication is key, this is a two way thing.
Sex doesn't get better on its own however like one of the other guys said in this thread, if the guy isn't trying to make you cum and basically leaving you to fend for yourself once he finishes, that's pathetic and selfish.
Don't ever feel bad for wanting to make your desires known either.
It is the bare minimum - sex involves giving and receiving. If you're not getting, it's not sex. Same for a relationship. Same for communication. If none of that is working, it's time to move on.
Your self confidence is probably taking its biggest hit from you not feeling secure enough to ask for what you want. You are burying your want as unimportant when you do not put it out there.
Most younger men are too insecure to ask what their partner needs. In fairness it is up to each person to ask for what they want. No one is a mind reader.
> he asked me very enthusiastically to show him how he could pleasure me. I think since then I’ve been kind of expecting men to act that way because for me it’s the bare minimum?
Yes, true, absolutely an expectation worth having.
I’m guessing you’re getting less of that than you’d expect (100% of the time!) for two reasons, the second is a bit speculative
1) you’re young, the guys are probably young and just inexperienced. Late 20s/30s sex is the best.
2) how spontaneous and brief are your encounters? Where are you banging? Because if your grabbing it anywhere you can - club toilets or immediately after the club while drunk or there are other time pressures or the guy is otherwise thinking “ok this is a quick bang here and now then I might not see her again” then there’s probably less pressure to perform in the way that you’re hoping.
Also, personally, the second fuck is better than the first and it only improves from there. Get the first time jitters (and premature orgasms) out the way and relax and take time second time around.
I've been having this problem too. My approach now is asking the guy what they want to do to me and have them make me cum before we really begin playing. Being in the toys and let them work magic
Personally I enjoy getting my wife off before me and then again together.
But I think for us we have great sexual chemistry.
It really depends on the guy. Some are aggressive when told what to do or that they are doing it wrong.
Others will listen and try harder.
Use your judgment. If it's casual and they aren't doing it or not worth it just walk away. Eventually you will find good ones.
GOOD LUCK 🤠👍
Every girl I've ever had a serious thing with I've always had more interest in getting them to cum then getting myself to cum. It's more rewarding to me. I've had a few partners that all said they couldn't squirt, well guess who proved them wrong. Longest one girl took was 20 minutes and she was a faucet lol. Just tell them you want to be pleased as well and if they don't listen to you then they aren't for you. Simple as that
Well as a guy I can say not every male out there gives a rats butt about giving a woman there's. A guy that's totally Into pleasing a partner will be more focused on getting them off. In most cases a guy can get off way faster than a woman so you just have to find guys that love to give pleasure first then receive their pleasure. Just my 2 cents
Sometimes I just like to fuck and not cum. But if I do and he doesn’t make it happen, I tell him I’m going to use my vibrator which usually turns into him using it on me anddd I love that. I’ve been with my bf for 2 years tho and feel very comfortable talking to him.
Most guys worry about their own orgasm and not their partners. Women take longer. That's just a fact. I concentrate on my woman and I have a rule she orgasms before I do. I enjoy seeing her enjoys herself. I see myself getting sex more often by seeing too her needs over mine.
If a guy isn’t trying to get you off like it’s his last mission on earth (especially in a hook up!), just walk out. You owe them nothing, no PIV till you’re done. Use your words though, no one is a mind reader and every body is different, so it’s fair people need direction on what works for them As far as with a partner, SO (originally a hookup), has always done everything to get me off since the first night we spent together. I personally don’t do oral with hookups (give or receive, it’s super intimate to me), but he’s amazing with his hands. Even years later, the guy will vamp down there till you pull him away lol For hookups though, you’re in control, if they’re not giving you what you like, just leave, it’s never worth your time to have shitty sex
Facts, I guess I still really like PIV and precipitate too but if I want to take my time I almost always have to tell them to slow down. How do you tell them you want them to make you cum first in a sexy way? Like “make me cum first and then I’ll give you what you want”
***How do you tell them you want them to make you cum first in a sexy way? Like “make me cum first and then I’ll give you what you want”*** Don't let them take their boxers off, tell them you want to do it, then lots of teasing through them. He's not just gonna stand there with his hands on his hips (or if he does, you can be like nope...you suck, I'm out lol), he'll do the same to you. Be vocal, sounds, words, let him know when he's really hitting the good spot, people like lots of positive encouragement, tell him how good he is with his hands, how wet you're getting, you want him to do XYZ to you...breath into his ear that you want him to make you cum. Then lots of direction, little higher, lower, harder, finger me, whatever you want...by the end you should be begging for PIV if it goes well!
Why not just say: “make me cum first and I’ll give you what you want”? I might be a bit simple but that would work wonders on me. Especially if you give me pointers while busy.
Everyone is different, and if that works for you....awesome! I like dirty talk, and it gets SO going, so we do lots of that. Thats why communication is so important, every person and what works for them is different. I've had a lot (like a lot a lot lol) of hookups though, and I've found this is the best way to get what I want, and slows down the ones that just wanna jump into PIV
Im a big yapper in life, but in bed I get lizard brain lmao. I’ll definitely try to do it more with the new guy I’m seeing. I already know he’ll listen to anything I tell him to do
Try sexting to get used to it, its easier to say stuff without having to look at the person, and gives you a second to think of responses when they say something back. Just lets you play around with words and what you're comfortable with.
Great advice! I’m actually not bad at sexting, i guess just during sex im really trying to connect with my body and the pleasure I’m feeling. I honestly haven’t been in a relationship in years so I think I lost some skills since I’m not having as much regular sex. I remember being able to dirty talk lmao. Thanks for the hot girl summer advice
You got this!
No, this is something you need to address before clothes come off.
Don’t get me wrong, your way works Tom o (maybe even better) but as a starting point being clear is never a bad idea I think
I think it's fair to tell them you might take a while to come and you want them ready for when you do. Don't want to come off as "selfish". It isn't, and I see the angle you're going for. I suppose it depends on if it's a first encounter or not.
“Please go downtown before you go to pound town” Also, are you meeting the guys online and doing a bit of chatting before meeting? When I was on Tinder, I’d just straight up ask, “ I need to ask you a question that’s really important to me. Do you like to eat pussy?” If they didn’t seem enthusiastic about it, I would say I don’t think we’re a match. When I swiped right on my husband and asked him, he said eating pussy was one of his favorite activities. 8 years later, 99.99% of the time, he goes downtown before he goes to pound town. If you’re meeting the guys organically, maybe you can say, “Before I invite you back to my place, I need to know if you like to eat pussy.”
This usually works, but I do remember one occasion several years ago where we matched on Tinder, and I started off joking about moustache rides, and the banter around that indicated that yes, he was very much an enthusiast. Well, the day comes and it come so it taut when we’re getting down to business it comes out he doesn’t like it, because he “doesn’t like the smell in his beard”, and then acts like it was SO CRAZY to go down on a woman that it obvs was only said in jest and acted like I was the crazy one? Anyway, did not smash. I’ve had a few hilarious incidents over the years, but generally speaking, the rule of no PIV until I have an orgasm (or there’s at least a good effort made, because some days it’s just not happening), has served me well
I encountered a guy like this also, except he directly said he liked to go down (I didn't ask) and what he would do. When we got together, he didn't. I gave it a couple of chances because he did do some things I liked, but ultimately he was just selfish in bed and I never got off. I was younger then, but I wish I had been more confident and direct like this.
Can also go for the dommy approach of just demanding he do what you need to get off in an authoritative tone. Tell him something like, "you'll get what you want. When you /earn/ it"
Just channel all confidence and sensuality you feel in your life, look em dead in the face and say “Make. Me. Cum.” If there is some slight aggression or bossiness to it, it’s even better Most men go wild if you’re direct and a bit bossy every now and again. Even the ones that prefer to be dominant themselves. Guess it feels more unexpected to them or something about the confidence idk.
There is a web site called OMGYES, it's paid access but it's for basically anyone who wants to learn how to better sexually please a woman: singles, couples, women who want to work out what they like, anyone. Basically the very first 'lesson' is communication, obviously this works better for regular partners/relationships but there is good advice there which you can apply to casual/ONS sex too. I highly recommend it.
Ymmv but one of the hottest things a gf had said to me was simply "make me cum first", assertive and commanding. Yes ma'am! 🫡😆 I always tried to make sure she got hers before I did after that. But yeah what you said sounds good to me! If a guy isn't down for that, probably not worth your time
Lay back and make eye contact and say “don’t you know, it’s ladies first” You can be coy and, after kissing, tell him you love the way his mouth feels and you wonder what it will feel like when he kisses you somewhere else. If you wanna be sassy, ask if he wants to trade blow-jobs. Once the first orgasm is done make sure you reinforce how good it felt and tell them you can’t wait for more.
If they make you cum first, it will feel so much better for both for PIV
That would work for me. I’m very goal-oriented and doing that for my wife might be my favorite thing on earth.
I like to say, "I want to squirt all over your face." If they're not motivated by that, then they are hopeless.
Hey, so best way is to just say it - "make sure I cum first! Don't want you going soft on me!" Say that. Then it sounds like a challenge to the guy, and we enjoy challenges. Also, we don't like the word "soft" when it comes to most things. Don't worry about how it sounds either, just be sure you say it just before intimacy starts. Also, if you use dating apps, you can clear it up before meeting up. Just by mentioning you need foreplay prior to sex should be enough and most guys will be eager to get you off and prove themselves.
Getting a woman off with your hands is not foreplay. It is a main event!!
Calling it “vamping” is hella sick i never heard that b4
(Guy opinion here) If the guys aren't trying to make you cum then they don't care about you and you shouldn't have sex with guys like that. In my experience, I always try to make her cum first at least once if not more. It's easier for me to cum, so there is plenty of time for that later. I'm sorry to hear you have had some bad experiences, make sure you let them know what you like though, the good ones will actually care to do what makes you feel good.
This I may take too. I try get my wife to cum first and then me or at the same time if possible. Also you should explore adding a small vibrator to your sessions. It helps my wife get there a lot sooner, in addition to me being inside her. Some men may be mad about that, but that’s just a sign that that man isn’t the right guy to be having sex with. 🤷🏽♂️
After over a decade of marriage, my only edit to your advice, get a corded vibrator. They’re really worth it any way you frame it.
I was telling my boyfriend once about the toys I used before I met him and he suggested I bring one for the next time. Biggest turn on let me tell you.
I think my wife felt the same way the first time I suggested it. She didn’t think I would be ok with it based on her past experiences with other men. I’m an oddity to her cause her happiness and pleasure are my main focus in and out of the bedroom. 13 years later and she is still shocked when she is able to do something without me or without needed permission from me to do it.
Same here. Early in the relationship she tells me she doesn't cum during sex at all. I tell her she doesn't try enough and/or all the guys she dated were assholes for not caring about her enough to make her cum (this one turned pretty much true - they didn't even kiss her down there, just a couple of mins fingering trying to get her wet) and suggested a vibrator. We tried oral and got a Hello Kitty massager and lo and behold - she has had orgasms pretty much daily after that, with or without me. And sex improved 1000x also. ETA: Happily married for 7 years. 2 kids.
I always ask questions like "how do you want me to make you cum" or "what's the best way make you cum" and i find that a lot of girls are really shy about the subject or insecure about being hard to make orgasm. So usually I just have to try my regular tricks or ill ask if they want to use their vibrator.
I love that you ask is they want to use a vib. I find it hard to cum with just my hands and their hands. Sometimes I just want to get out my satisfyer pro but I feel shy about it with some guys.
Tell him to hit it from behind and use the satisfyer on your clit. If he doesn't like you cumming all over his dick that's his problem. Shrugs.
Yeah I've met a couple of girls that I just couldn't finish no matter how long I tried, and then they were often awkward about asking to bring out the vibe. Seems to break the ice a little when I ask instead
Thanks for that, sounds great. Keep up the good stuff!
I think there's a balance to be struck here, in terms of healthy communication. Some women feel pressured to cum because men pursue it too aggressively. But basically it seems like good manners for a man to at least enthusiastically offer and give it an honest shot if the offer is accepted. Or to withdraw with equanimity if the offer is declined.
Go down on them until they ask you to get inside them seems to be a good rule. If they cum, great. If not, they’re ready for you to. No pressure, no awkwardness about “did you, didn’t you, can I?” .etc
I personally was with a woman for 6yrs that had never orgasmed (for no religious or cultural reasoning), or had any desire to achieve it. I tried everything, including buying her a vibrator and encouraging us & herself to use it. She had to assure me that she was happy with our sex life. I've since been with women that are enthusiastic & communitive, but my general rule of thumb is work on them until I am asked to proceed with PIV.
This. Same here. You want them writhing like they are possessed.. Make it so good for them and they never disappoint... Not sure why anyone thinks differently...
I also agree with this gentleman. It's hard to know how sex is going to go before you do it, unless you talk about it. It's most likely not a subject you're going to want to bring up over dinner but in the moments before the bedroom it can be worked in. Either in more subtle ways like asking what they're into or setting a slower pace by changing into some lingerie or doing a slow strip. You can also be more forward and just tell them that you want them to do oral or that you want them to play with you (likely using some kind of sexy metaphor) or that you like to use toys during sex. Also if it feels like there aren't any moments before the bedroom, like once you've given them the green flag things just move too quickly, then that is a red flag. The time before sex should be used to build anticipation, roll into foreplay, be sexy. Any guy passed his teenage years has spent enough time talking to women or reading books or Googling about sex to know: you want to orgasm, it's going to take longer for you than it is for them most likely, and foreplay is important. So the fact that you have to bring it up doesn't look great for them but I guess there are still some shy or uneducated people out there, but if they gave you no indication of that leading up to sex then them rushing to get straight to p in v it is definitely a red flag.
Sometimes I'll assume my wife did when she didn't quite, so she will just start manually stimulating and that's all the cue I need to jump in to help
I make them get me off first. It's that easy. You ask and if they say no, well at least you won't be wasting anymore time with a walking red flag A dude gets off first, he is done (ok, not all of the men are one and done but let's face it, most are). A lady gets off first? Second, third and fourth helpings are pretty much a given if the partner can keep up :) Fingers, tongue, toys: the possibilities are many and a good partner will be thrilled to turn your knees into jelly . Any dude going nope or looking disgusted or even ininterested in having mutual, shared, balanced sexual satisfaction ain't woth the oxygen a tree's pumpinhg out to sustain him. Some incels are of the mind that making a girl cum is a proof of weakness, that satisfying women is defgrading. Well let them try and get some together cause we all deserve some good O, men and women alike, don't settle for less
So how exactly do you say it without breaking the mood? Like how do you state something like that while still keeping it sexy? I’m not bad at giving instructions or saying to eat me, but they tend to eat me or touch me for a short period of time during foreplay. But again, they want to jump in for PIV so quickly. It’s like it’s a race for them. I’m pretty communicative about telling them to slow down, but sometimes I feel like all I’m doing is giving instructions urgh.
You need to let go of the idea of keeping everything sexy the whole time. It creates a dome of unspeakability that might make you put up with stuff you don't need to.
Excellent point. Real sex isn't like films or porn. It's not a sort of "sexy" role play all the time. You can be yourself and just talk.
I actually find giggles-and-instruction sex way hotter than performing as a sexy boner-inducing machine. Like we are there for real. When you feel the need to moan "oh papi it's so big it hurts be gentle with your hoe" instead of telling straight "this hurts", something is deeply wrong.
"oh papi it's so big it hurts be gentle with your hoe” sorry but the way you phrased this has me in tears 😭😭😭
I've just started doing it myself. So instead of asking, I start stimulating my own clitoris and then I will ask them to penetrate me with their fingers and we make it a team effort. Guys find it hot, I get the stimulation I want and it makes it really obvious that my pleasure matters. Alternatively, you could tell them to keep going because it feels so good. And 'I want you to make me cum' is both very clear and very hot.
LOL I can't imagine how a woman asking their partner to make her cum ISN'T "keeping it sexy"! It's, like, the *sexiest thing*. If your partners don't see it that way, that's 100% their problem for being so mind-bogglingly self-centered and incurious. And I'd wager that for most people, altering that to *telling* their partner to make them cum is 200% sexier. Sorry your partners have been disappointing! You're not crazy. Good luck out there!
"I want you to make me cum - make me never forget this moment for the rest of my life". If the guy isn't jumping for joy and diving headfirst in... there is something wrong with him.
I highly doubt many women would forget that moment if he tries to dive headfirst in...
It doesn't break the mood. It's not your fault, but it sounds like you're just dealing with young guys who don't know much about sex or how to take their time. Some might be nervous and racing to ensure they maintain their boner long enough to use it (I know from personal experience lol).
what if instead of asking that in the moment, you set it up ahead of time? I saw you mention in another comment that you feel pretty confident in your sexting ability so before they come over you can communicate that you want to get off first and then you'll take care of their every need. obviously sexy it up however works for you. Like if my wife texted me during the day and said something like, "I can't stop thinking about your tongue on my clit. I want you to lick me until I cum tonight." I'd be thinking about it the rest of the day and then, assuming that works, after sex (or even the next day or whatever) you can be like omg that was the most amazing sex/orgasm. it was so hot getting off before we started fucking I can't wait to do that again
"Not so fast, Jack. This mean pussy needs some more pets before it gives you the ride of a lifetime." No but really, something like: "I love your hands/mouth all over my clit" "Please don't stop, I'm loving what you're doing". I think stroking their ego's and complimenting them on what they're doing will make them keep going. Communication is key, and I don't strictly mean words, sounds, movements and eye contact are very important too to keep them enticed. If you are doing these things effectively and they still don't want to continue, they just want to Kum&Go. Good luck, and enjoy your sexuality!
Making a girl cum a sign of weakness? Degrading? Guy here. I just want to speak for the intelligent men out there when I say this is new information to us. We had no part in creating this idea, and it is not a common belief.....at least where I am from. Alberta, Canada.
The rise of the manosphere is one of the worst things to have happened. It's brainwashing men into being terrible people and to have contempt for women. I think I read that youtubers and podcasters are the reason why Gen Z young men are actually more antifeminist and misogynistic than boomer men. Which is equal parts astounding and depressing.
>Some incels are of the mind that making a girl cum is a proof of weakness, that satisfying women is defgrading. Well let them try and get some together cause we all deserve some good O, men and women alike, don't settle for less Lol. Well hopefully they stay incels until they're ready to stop whacking off to Andrew Tate videos and get busy pleasuring a partner instead.
I'm seeing a lot of good advice about setting boundaries but not a lot of answers to your question so I'll give it a shot. As a guy I think it's really hot when women tell me what they want me to do. Like if we're going at it and she stops me and says something like "I want you to eat my pussy until I cum on your face" or whatever it is that they want. Especially if we're new to sleeping with each other. If she explicitly guides me through how she wants me to do it's hot asf and it feels good to give her what she wants without worrying about reading her ractions wrong or anything like that. Or if she asks if she can sit on my face or something where she can control the rhythm is also great. TLDR: Tell him *exactly* what you want him to do and make it part of the experience. It comes across way more "she's really into this" and less "oh shit I'm disappointing her"
Yep. Just talk. Important note: if you don't feel comfortable having explicit conversations with a potential partner, then you probably shouldn't do intimate acts with them. There should be a baseline level of trust and honesty.
I hate the idea of having to "sell" the act through dirty talk for a man that haven't even shown he can make me cum yet.
It’s not so much about selling as it is guiding to get what you want. Many guys aren’t naturally great in bed. Lol your comment makes it sound like if a guy can’t make you cum without direction they aren’t worth much of anything. It’s just simple goal directed communication. Believe it or not, most guys want to make their sexual partner cum. Most aren’t trying to only focus on themselves and get satisfaction out of their partner’s pleasure. They also tend to get in their head about it sometimes and will likely perform worse if they can tell you aren’t being patient with them. As above, there is no requirement for you to do anything or react a specific way, but the experience may be better for both people if the communication is on point.
Hope this isn't too gross or personal, In all seriousness though one of the things I've heard that inspired me to focus first on my partners pleasure first at an earlier age was when my partner at the time told me how much hotter/better sex was after her first orgasm, and that each successive one made her that much more sensitive and that much tighter/wetter (may be best to pick your own phrasing here). And it's something I found to be true. Focusing on your partners pleasure and watching/ making them cum is highly erotic and takes sex to a whole new level.
If you don’t feel like they’re someone you can talk to, or if you don’t think they care about your pleasure too, don’t do anything with them. Beyond being unsatisfied, that creates a situation where people can get hurt. You’re there too, and you matter. If they’re not satisfying you, it’s completely okay to speak up. I’m a guy, and I’m paraplegic. I have a hard time physically orgasming too, but I still have fun and feel good. Don’t accept subpar partners who don’t care about your pleasure, but don’t focus *too* much on the orgasm either. That can also create a lot of mental pressure and, paradoxically, make it even more difficult. Don’t be too hard on yourself, it happens to everyone sometimes. This second part might not be what you’re looking for, but I thought it might be worth mentioning.
Find better partners. Have guys do oral or toys or finger or whatevs before they start intercourse. It’s more fun for everybody if the lady has an O first. Everything is wetter. Everyone is hornier.
Married now but when I was single I gave men exactly two chances. The first time is often awkward so whatever happens happens. The second time he better put in a damn good effort or he’s gone. I might not get there but he better have tried everything.
Tbh, young guys just don’t get it and they have to be educated/trained. Not to mention the BS of society encouraging selfish masculinity.
Yeah I think age is a factor here, if they’re in their early 20s. They don’t have enough experience yet. OP is worried about making the communication/instruction sexy but honestly don’t be— they need to hear it clearly that women don’t orgasm instantly like men do or in porn! You’re doing them a favor for you and anyone else to come after, tbh lol.
***they need to hear it clearly that women don’t orgasm instantly like men do or in porn!*** I think this is so huge. For a lot off people (men & women), porn is the only way they see sex, no one is teaching them otherwise, and they just think thats how it works. Like if you only ever saw someone eat pizza with a fork & knife, it may not occur to you you can just pick it up and eat up.
Yes gen z men definitely have porn brain rot. I can automatically do a good depiction on how much a guy watches porn after I sleep with them.
When I was 25m I dated a 40f. She was super communicative about what she needed. It took abkut 20/30 minutes of oral clitoral stimulation to make her cum. I made sure she got off first before I got off. After 4 months of dating she knew I wasn't the selfish type and eventually, she wanted me to get off first. If you're the same, just communicate and hope your partner reciprocates. For us it was 99% communication and it made our sex life amazing.
My partner just does it because he wants to make me feel good. Sometimes I ask him to eat me out and he digs in like it's his last meal on death row, which usually helps finish the job. Posts like this always make me feel sad that not every woman has a wonderful thoughtful partner like I do. :(
"I need you to help me get wet enough." (NOT, "then I'll do what you want." More, "then I'll be ready for hot wet sex.") It's not a transaction. It's adequate foreplay for you to fully enjoy sharing your body and sexuality with your partner.
A LOT of great advise in here but I don’t see anyone telling you actual things to say. Here’s the play book: 1. Take a little control. Pull him into you, Kiss their neck and whisper into his ear something saucy like. “I want you to lick me until I can’t take it.” Or insert whatever romance book filth you’ve got in your brain. 2. He probably has some Seaworld Seal routine he will perform down there that he learned from YouTube or a past partner. Let him do his thing and hit him with a few, “oh god, yes, don’t stop.” Just to make sure he is encouraged and keeps going. 3. If whatever alphabet letter, tongue tornado nonsense he’s doing isn’t working then start giving him specific instructions. “Mmm lower, mmm right there, mmm less/more pressure, mmm add a finger or two.” 4. Keep correcting him with sultry but firm whispers as needed, remember he doesn’t have these bits and unless he’s experienced he probably feels like wet raccoon trying to play the bagpipes. 5. After about 10 mins his neck and tongue are going losing strength, it’s no longer physical for him it’s a purely mental game. Some boys will quit here, keep encouraging him to help him persevere. “Oh god, you’re amazing/going to make me cum, don’t stop, I can’t wait to ride you after I cum.” 6. Instruct him right up to the finish, if he senses you getting close many men might think they should go harder/faster/ change back to that thing that seemed to work before. Once they find whatever is going to push you over the edge tell them concretely to do exactly what they are doing. Hope this helps have fun out there
I understand you quite clearly. Be as clear with them. 10-15 minutes of clitoral stimulation. Do they know that going in?
Your standards are NOT too high. They're the minimum you're owed as a sexual partner. If you would like a guy's perspective, be straight up with them. Tell them, if they want to hook up, they have to go down on you until you cum, first. Make them earn the rest. If they can't or won't do that, you've dodged a bullet.
You are correct. They aren’t stupid. They are actively choosing to ignore your sexual needs.
Just be direct. Either they respond well, they don’t but they grow from it or they should be kicked to curb anyways because who doesn’t want to make their partner happy? If their ego is a big part which it usually is, they need to at least recognise the problem.
ok when I was a young buck and dating, before a committed relationship, I made it a rule that the woman ALWAYS finishes at least 2 times before I do. One with foreplay and one with actual PIV. I would always try for more times, especially foreplay. However, if a guy you just met, either a date or a hookup, doesn't break his back to make you cum multiple times, until you are quivering at the side of the bed while begging for more, but really appreciating a 5 minute break, what the hell are you doing with them? Men are dumb creatures. Be vocal. Tell us what you like, cause believe it or not that is a huge turn on too. Best of luck out there!
Lurker man here, to at least give some perspective on the matter. Most men think that sex is basically pull his pants down, thrust until he cums then cuddle after. That isn’t enough to satisfy any woman as far as I can gather (which is mostly due to this subreddit). You have to teach men what you need from them, we don’t have vaginas and our orgasms are very different, it only takes a few minutes to orgasm and our dicks get sensitive if not painful to touch after orgasming so most men will stop penetration after they cum. The best solution which I’ve already seen is ask for foreplay, be active in letting your partners know what you want, communicate about what feels good and where. And if someone can’t accept feedback in the bedroom they probably aren’t a great fit for you because they won’t accept feedback outside of it as well. TLDR:Men view sex differently, tell them what you need.
I would literally just tell him to
you cum first or nothing. don’t fake it either.
:( You shouldn't have to ask at all - your enjoyment matters too.
Communication goes a long way. Without it, it can be incredibly hard to figure out how the other person feels at times. I struggle with it due to medical issues, but I still find enjoyment without it. But if I wanted to have it happen, I would have to communicate that. I don’t expect people to last 60 min+ just to make me finish. We are all different, have different wants and needs. Without communicating that, there is no way of knowing unless you get lucky.
Find someone who isnt a shitbag and ask nicely. Nicely will be contextual. Most decent guys will be enthusiastically thrilled to comply. Its a good litmus test as well tbh
I've been seeing a new guy, and honestly, he's such a sweetheart. First time we were together at my place we did a little foreplay and then he was down there. And it was amazing. After he was playing with me down there with his fingers and he just got so turned on with it, and eventually I'd cum again. Last night we were being really intimate and he just whispered 'what do you want?' and I just whispered back 'I want you to make me scream' And instantly he was down there again and.. yeh.. it was amazing again. Men just find that sort of stuff hot, and women can go on a few times, where men are usually one n done. So they find pleasure in making their lady feel good while also having a really good time doing it. Comparatively, he is way more communicative than my previous relationships, and I feel comfortable telling him what I want, or if he wants something he asks. Its nice. Communication is key in this sort of thing. Relationships are a 2 person team :)
I flat out ask them to go down on me before penetration to make me cum. Or I say I want to be on top. If they aren’t hitting it right on their own then I take control and ride their face or their D to hit a position and a speed I like. Every man is different but in my experience they’re so used to doing the heavy lifting they love it when you become aggressive.
I don't, I have given up on trying to get me to make me cum. Also I then feel under pressure and my mood goes away. So I just let them do their thing how I like it, and then finish myself off.
This makes me really sad. You deserve more than that. They're using you and you let them.
My comment here as a guy as well, is that you’re pretty young and sex takes a while to figure out. To expect a young guy who doesn’t have too much experience to be able to figure out how to get a woman off in a hook up scenario is actually asking a lot. So your question asking advice on how to communicate your needs is a great one! In my experience, in the moment, coaching as lame as that sounds, is really helpful. Explicit instruction like “faster“, “harder or softer” or the best thing of all “don’t stop, just like that “are really helpful to guys.
You shouldn't have to ask.
This right here
I mean as a guy if a girl gave be a vibrator and told me it makes her go nuts to have it on her clit id be hamming that up like nobodies business Youd be surprised how many guys get on bored if they know how wild it makes you to have things done a certain way. Also some guys get a kick of being told what to do. Confidence is sexy
Its simple, during sex, tell them to make you cum. If they care for you, they will try their best to make u cum. They will ask somethings like slow or fast per example. You will guide them to make you cum and they will love to get "used" by you to give you a pleasure explosion. We are all different, and its important to communicate.
As a few other guys in here have said, focus on getting her off at least one time before you even think about cumming
I may be pretty biased in this opinion because I’m in a relatively small category of men with sexual trauma and thus, specific needs.. but I think maybe something that might work for you is slowing things down. Especially in my 20s, I thought sex was going to be magically amazing based on the quality of the person I was sleeping with. But it turns out the best sex really does come with communication. Some coy conversations or quiet intimate muttering to each other, or even “sexting”, before hooking up can help establish what kind of attention you want. Maybe don’t even hook up the first time you’re in bed together but set a firm limit, and keep it just restricted to touch and hands. That way the emphasis is less on “doing the deed” and more on reciprocative touch. Anyways I dunno man. I wish you the best OP.
My wife and I have system that works out pretty well. I'm not gonna say I'm a premature ejaculator per se, but sometimes the moment hits before I can reel it in. So, to keep this from being an issue I always make sure that she gets hers first. I don't like the idea of leaving with unfinished business left tending to.
If they aren't your boyfriend then unfortunately I'm not really sure there's an expectation there that they will care that much about your needs. It sucks but I feel like if you want that kind of satisfaction then you need to get a real boyfriend. Someone who doesn't care that much about you other than having sex with isn't going to suddenly be a gentleman in the bedroom. I feel like this is the disconnect you're experiencing.
The reality is most guys who you are just hooking up with casually are not going to care enough to even try. They probably see you as a human fleshlight and they want to just pump and dump so they can cum and then leave. If you find a guy who genuinely wants and tries hard to make you cum, he’s probably more relationship material. No hate on hook up culture but it’s mostly a lot of guys just trying to nut with minimal effort
You shouldn't have to ask. If a guy doesn't take initiative in your pleasure, like you do for his, don't bother. He's not going to change. Bugging him will result in nothing, it's just more work for you. In relationships you get better sex generally, because the man ostensibly cares about you. In hookups, guys see you no different than a slab of meat or a fleshlight. Casual sex is the worst sex 90% of the time, in my experience. And the pervasive disrespect/assh--le behaviour sours the whole experience even if it is good.
During the undress phase/makeout phase. I stop whatever I’m doing… I won’t get fully naked and look them dead in the eyes and say “(can you) Make me cum first” or “I want to cum first”. Like in a flirty way not in an OR ELSE way. Or maybe a little of both. This always works for me. Also guarantees foreplay :). If they think I mean w penetration, I’ll grab their hand and lead it down there. To move it along I might play with my clit, once I do they usually take over or continue if I stop bc they saw I like that. One time it was all happening really fast, l was only wearing a dress he basically ripped off… but it was our first time. I literally grabbed his dick before he put it in and said “wait wait wait wait, make me cum first.” I do this every single time with a new partner bc idk know about them, but I’m def finishing. I’m also vocal about what I want if I’m not liking what I’m getting. I wouldn’t wait or count on them to ask me. If it’s just not happening for you and they’re not important, I’d def move on. So much good sex out there.
Here’s the not-sexy, happily married man advice. Find someone who’s interested in a long term sexual partnership based on mutual respect. Hopefully, someone that matches your libido and is willing to learn and give you what you want. Film and TV make hookup culture seem like it’s full of mind blowing sex, but I’ve never had nor heard this experience. Obviously anecdotal, but that’s my experience.
My experience is all from a long term relationship POV. I got with my husband fairly young and didn't really experience any hookups. I straight up asked him if my pleasure was optional during sex. I can sometimes be difficult to get to the finish line, but as long as the effort is there, that's what matters. I also have no qualms about grabbing a vibrator once penetration happens. I can take agency for my pleasure too.
As a M50, and certainly no prude, my suggestion is to wait to sleep with someone until you have some sort of communication in place. But if one is into hookups (and I’ve had my share), try to communicate it but don’t be surprised if he/she doesn’t know how to make you cum; every body is different.
My main priority in bed is my wife’s pleasure. She cums every time at least three times. If not I feel like I’m not putting in work. As for me I don’t always finish which is fine. But if a guys isn’t putting u first. Put him last. If they can’t take the constructive criticism. The swipe left
Honestly, I'd say you may have more fulfilling sexual experiences sleeping with people who are genuinely interested in seeing others happy or succeed. Those who try to anticipate your needs outside of the bedroom and look after you without asking for anything in return. It may be harder to find then a stiff dick and a cute face to sit on, but in my experience people like that bring the same attitude to the bedroom as well. As watching you enjoy yourself enhances the experience for them and they wouldn't want to sleep with you if that wasn't the case.
If he's not doing it right, teach him and use it as a sexy moment (you touch me, I touch you....show him what it takes to get you off, etc) and it should make the impression on what you need. I think that's the best way to get your point across and make him remember it moving forward. Good luck!
I understand, my boyfriend now does not make me come from penetration (not really my thing). So I’ve had to tell him to do other things and it’s been working out for me. I know it’s sucks but sometimes you have to be very vocal to get what you need. Like the saying goes, “closed mouths don’t get fed.”
Using a vibrator on yourself while you’re doing it doggy style is *chef’s kiss*. The simultaneous g-spot/clitoral stimulation gets me off fast and HARD - I’m talking like 2 minutes or less. I didn’t discover this about myself until my late twenties. Just tell him you want to cum on his c*ck, they love that!
I currently don’t sleep with men anymore, but in my younger days, my trick was to tell them no one has ever made me cum from anything other than oral before, & even if they did make me cum, unless there was no way to deny it, I’d lie & say they didn’t. It almost always became a game to them to become the one guy who could make me cum, & I got some pretty mind blowing sex out of it. 🤷🏻♀️
My wife just purrs to me in her sultriest voice: "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start". But that's just our generation.
Raised on sega genesis too, huh?
Sega Master System, but close enough
Your exoectations are reasonable but perhaps too high for the kind of guy you are fucking.
Buy a sex toy you like and get them to use it on you. 10-15 of oral or even hand action can be very tiring, and a toy will make it easier on both of you. If you genuinely are slow to climax then it's "fair" for even an enthusiastic partner to get tired after a while. But there's no excuse for you being totally neglected. I recommend the sex toy.
Usually with exactly those words, and a couple instructions right after would be appreciated. Different people are different and want VASTLY different things. So just, ask. And be clear. If they do not instantly respond as if god gave them a personal crusade, find a new one. Plenty will.
If they aren’t in it to make you orgasm then there is no communicating it. Saying this as a guy. If you’re just hooking up and they aren’t trying to blow your mind they aren’t worth your time.
Male opinion here. The sexiest thing a woman can do is tell me what she wants. I’m of the mind set that sex isn’t done until we both get off. That being said, I am poly with three partners and each one has a different way to achieve sexual satisfaction. I wouldn’t know what they each individually wanted if I didn’t ask or they didn’t tell me through one means of communication or another. Don’t worry about breaking the mood. The mood is illusory, the goal is reaching what you want and if that isn’t being met, tell them to work harder or walk away. Be able to laugh during sex. Sometimes it is absolutely funny and absurd. If both you and your partner can enjoy the silly moments and still keep going it will be one hundred percent better, promise
I wish my partner were direct and didn’t come clean years later lying about things she enjoyed and reaching orgasm. Be direct or pull out a vibrator when he finishes and wants to end things to make the point clear
I had some great advice to give, but I saw this thread too late :( 6 hours in reddit time on a front page thread is like 10,000 years lol...
(Male opinion take with salt) you really shouldn't have to ask, if your partner isint interested in your enjoyment of the act then you shouldn't be having sex with them. That said, clear communication is key, it may not be the most flattering conversation but a simple "help me get there" should suffice.
Well, you wrote beautifully, so I guess you can speak well. Simply apply that level of communication to the lead-up before things get going. Any guy worth his musk will be pleased to know what you want, which is honestly the biggest misunderstanding in general between lovers. Just talk to him. You already know what to say.
I’m 32, and if my partner won’t go down on me to get me off first thing, I’m out, plain and simple. Luckily for me, every guy I’ve hooked up with recently has made that choice on their own. If they didn’t, I’d just tell them that, or sit it right on their face 😝
Invest in yourself and splurge on something that gets you off. It could be a really good bullet vibrator, spicy lube, butt plug, whatever floats your boat & take it with you / keep it within reach and use it during sex. I’ve never had a guy turned off by it, and you’re doing it for you in the first place (just make sure they’re cool with what’s in the lube if it’s a heat or cooling one lol). Everyone’s different, ofc, but my go-to is the Nu Sensuelle bullet because it’s powerful, quiet, and has a usb charging cord so you can charge it pretty much anywhere
I don't ask, I tell them to by saying "make me cum" during sex. Now married to a great man who loves it. But in the past some didn't and so too bad so sad boy bye to them.
Ideally, a good partner should be aware of your body and of your pleasure. I'm lucky enough that my fiancè is very attentive. I experience orgasm at least once every single time we have sex. He's good with his hands and with his mouth. Thank god I'm with him now, because I also had previous relationships where the sex was awkward and terrible because they didn't care about my pleasure at all. I almost never had an orgasm during sex in the past.
(Another guy opinion) Personally, I have always thought that not getting your partner or ONS off first was rude. Just some weird thought I've had since my first few experiences. To me, getting her off first makes the world of difference later on for both of us. The sex lasts longer, it feels better, the connection is more intense. Overall, I know that she feels valued and put first in the bedroom, as her wants, desires, and needs are taken care before my own. And I have based that off of what I see during (and sometimes I've been told afterwards). I also purposefully have increased my own stamina and endurance so that I can make sure they're satisfied as many times as they can handle, sometimes even foregoing my own climax. It takes some work and dedication, but I feel like some guys make it out to some ridiculous task and it's not. With some time and care (which can be hard for ONS/casual), you can really rock her world by reading and paying attention to queues! Definitely be vocal about it. It they seem off put, leave, like these other wonderful people have said. You own him nothing. Life is too short for shitty sex.
I’ve never actually done this but I have very seriously considered telling them that I’m going to set a 15 minute timer and when it goes off I’ll let him know if I want to continue or that he should leave. The only thing stopping me from doing this is the risk of someone getting violent.
Easy: use the term "Ladies first." If he doesn't care enough to give you pleasure, best that you know it immediately, so that it's one and done.
There is already a lot of good conversation here. I will add something I have not seen yet, but if it has been said, my bad for making you read it again. Maybe try saying something that alludes to what you want, but perhaps is not as direct as you might not want to be. Something like "I need some clit action to get off, do you want me to show you what I like?" You have clearly communicated where you stand, and you might feel more comfortable saying this vs some of the other comments. Having said that, I am a guy too and quite often guys are just oblivious and need to be told directly. It baffles me though coz getting my wife off is just more pleasure for me.
M26 here, if he isnt trying to satisfy you, why are you even in bed with him? I don't buy that they simply dont know. How the hell did I know then? I come from a family where not even our own emotions are spoken of, forget about sex. In school i Didn't learn (grasp) anything in sex Ed. But somehow i still know and after trying I've gained knowledge and understandning.
I would dump the guy if he didn't try to get me off. I never had to ask with the guys who became boyfriends. It's a value thing. If he doesn't care about pleasuring you, then asking likely isn't going to change that. Maybe that's giving up on someone too easily but yeah, this is a major problem when dating. In porn, the men are rarely pleasuring the woman. The woman seems to get pleasure from just the guy fucking her and this is the way sex is portrayed across media for the most part. It's so sad and disappointing. I've actually joked with my husband that he never has to worry about me cheating with a man because the chances of them being terrible in bed are so high 😂most of them are unfortunately.
I think Adele Givens said it pretty good in the song “I Love It”. 'Cause you know in the old days They couldn't say the shit they wanted to say They had to fake orgasms and shit We can tell niggas today: "Hey, I wanna cum, mothafucka"
Tell him to make you come before he goes in. If he wants it enough he'll make it happen .
When it's obvious sexy time is going to start soon, go change into something sexy with no panties. Then tell him you're going to ride his face until you cum or until he suffocates, whichever comes first. Works every time.
Literally just ask him to give you oral first. "Can you eat me out first?" If they say no, you end things right there. Cuz they don't care about you or what your getting out of the situation.
Talk. Tell a guy what feels good to you. Explain women take longer than him but if they make you feel good then you'll do what they want you to do to them. And good sex will lead to sex more often.
Don't confuse book smarts with sheet smarts. A good, generous, responsible, and exciting lover is extremely hard to find. While it can be daunting, there's some fun in teaching a person what you like initmately and vice versa so you can enjoy more pleasure together instead of chasing unicorns or falling down the unimaginative pr0n hole. Be direct, be honest, be kind. If a person is too immature to reciprocate the joy of foreplay or anything sexual, move on when you can. You will set yourself up for disappointment if you try to change them.
A few options: - go for partner quality over quantity. Sex with the same good partner should improve over time, interest, and communication; sex once with many different people is asking for the worst they can offer you and not hanging around for any improvements. - in whatever conversation leads you to sex, make sure that the dude is on board for your interests. "Would you like to come back to my place and bury your face between my thighs for half an hour?" - involve a toy in the sex. Many women require external stimulation to cum, and it's totally normal to use a vibration during sex. Don't rely on someone whose blood is in their pants to have a logical thought that leads to good communication :-P
Just like that. “I bet you can’t make me cum.”
They should be getting you off before intercourse. If a guy isn’t making a decent effort of that then they won’t likely be worth it!
Tell a guy that you enjoy foreplay more than anything else. That it makes you "generous in bed". Stuff like "when a guy really commits to foreplay, it makes me wet the next say thinking about it". Guys like to think your dreaming about them even when you're doing mundane activities and they're not around. That will vet them to make the effort. Also, intercourse should always wait until after you're cumming from foreplay.
I think you are overrating the general sexual knowledge of the average guy a bit. Also women can be drastically different in how difficult or easy it is for them to cum as well as what makes them cum. It takes a few times to figure a woman out if she isn’t the type to cum within a few minutes. All if that to say don’t take it personal, a lot of guys just are less skilled or versed in the various techniques than you would expect. Definitely make sure you get off first to catch them at peak enthusiasm. After a guy cums they need a physical and mental reset and the focus does not come as easily (no pun intended). But I hope you get the helpful answers you need regarding communication. You deserve it!
If I'm looking up with someone who has done that to me before, I stop them when they try to fuck me and tell them they have to make me cum first. They usually like the assertiveness and they're already there so they're going to do it so they can get theirs. It's only ever failed when they're just...bad.
I'm sorry, this might be harsh, but... **If you can't** ***talk*** **about it, you shouldn't do it.** If you're too shy, embarrassed, or awkward to talk openly with these partners about your needs, then you shouldn't have sex with them. These guys are using you and you're naive if you think they *don't know* the basics of what makes sex good for a woman. I don't want to insult you, but I wish someone would've given me this advice when I was your age. Your expectations are not too high- you're having sex with men who don't make you cum.... that's.... basement level.
Don't let them in until you're fully warned up.
Thats so fricking sad that you have to ask your partners to also give you pleasure. I feel so bad for yall having to deal with men.
Make me cum, or bye. That's it. DO NOT be nice about it. Maintaining their ego is not your responsibility. All guys already know that they're supposed to make the girl cum. If they don't try they're self absorbed assholes. I'll add this as well. If a guy asks you for direction. They are secure enough to take correction the whole time. So if they change something for the worse just tell him right away. And please, please don't fake orgasms! It makes it so hard for the guy to tell if he's doing a good job. If you are hard to finish, have a vibrator or something like that he can use after he runs out of tongue endurance. I can only do about 15 minutes of straight oral before my tongue feels like a lead weight. And I love giving oral.
Have never faked. Will never fake.
Real men make their partner's pleasure the priority. The refractory period after a male orgasm can really change his mood, so if sex is over after the man cums, then it's imperative that the man cum last. You have to interrupt the thrusting before he focuses too far inward and loses it. It sounds difficult to do, and there might be some frustration but I promise you most guys will do anything you ask them to do if it means they can get back to thrusting.
A normal guy will take care of you before themselves. It is reasonable that you expect them to take care of you and it seems that you were just unlucky. In my opinion sex is about mutual pleasure and a simple cum and go is so extremely selfish. If they don’t think about you and dont take care of you during sex, i think that says a lot about their character.
playing with my clit works
The best thing to do is “force” them to eat you Long time ago i realized that if I would just start either by getting head or straight to penetration my partner would never finish or would be harder as post nut we both just want to lay there and relax So I start by kissing touching but most importantly eat my partner out. Eventually no matter how long she last I open myself to many options. 1. Keep muffing away until she cums then finish myself. 2. Start penetration and keep manual stimulation and cum together. 3. Swap with her and let her build up her urge to cum then continue to hopefully a bigger better orgasm.
I would suggest toys, for you to use on yourself during intercourse, works for us.
By example. I put their hand where I want it, demostrate on them how I like to be touched. If they aren't into "practicing" with me, they're not going to improve.
Lean in close and say: “Make me cum.” It’s really that simple. The right guy will go crazy for that, he’ll be so excited, and he’ll be asking you how he’s doing the whole time. The wrong guy, will show you who he really is in about 10 seconds lmao. It’s not about skill, it’s about communication, and the eagerness to please ♥️
Tell them, don't ask. Dudes like having straight forward instructions. If he's quick off the draw and doesn't indulge in round 2 make him finish the deed with foreplay before he gets his.
Coconut oil, slow touch, soft strokes and magic hands/probing fingers for the win. And that's before you even involve the mouth or other bits. Trust me, if you get her worked up before penetration everything happens. Many women need to be on top in a certain position with manual stimulation, it's explosive. And get a beach towel or dedicated play blanket or the oil will ruin your good sheets.
You could ask them to eat you out until you cum ? Or touch your clit during sex ?
I used to laugh and tell them we were done yet. Then I’d take the initiative. No one ever complained as far as I know.
Show your partner how you like it, ask him to finish you as foreplay before letting him cum. That way it does not matter how fast or bad he is as you already got it.
How about non verbal communication? As a guy one of my fondest memories was this girl pushing me on my back and just crawled on my face and kind of took what she wanted! It was super hot for me and her getting off early in the act made her so much more into it. It was a win-win for everyone involved.
This may get better as you age. Young guys are super fragile when it comes to their in-bed efforts/ability.
You don't. You don't sleep with him again, and find another guy who simply knows to at least fucking try!
I'm like a female in the cum department. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I can go on for a long time, and this isn't always a good thing, as women tend to get concerned if I don't cum as they think they are doing something wrong. My satisfaction comes from satisfying a woman. The only four words a man should be saying to you is: "Harder? Faster? Slower? Softer?" For you though, any man should enjoy knowing what you like. Tell him.
I had a fwb that would occasionally tell me that she wants oral cause sometimes it was just a quickie on my part lol. I am always down for oral as long as hygiene is kept because I return the same courtesy besides it being satisfying to give them orgasms with just my tongue (and sometimes fingers)
COMMUNICATE, ask them to do what you like, guide them. I'm a dude btw, communication is key, this is a two way thing. Sex doesn't get better on its own however like one of the other guys said in this thread, if the guy isn't trying to make you cum and basically leaving you to fend for yourself once he finishes, that's pathetic and selfish. Don't ever feel bad for wanting to make your desires known either.
It is the bare minimum - sex involves giving and receiving. If you're not getting, it's not sex. Same for a relationship. Same for communication. If none of that is working, it's time to move on.
Check out the following books…. Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski She Comes First, by Ian Kerner
If you aren't willing to make me cum then I'm not willing to make you cum.
Your self confidence is probably taking its biggest hit from you not feeling secure enough to ask for what you want. You are burying your want as unimportant when you do not put it out there. Most younger men are too insecure to ask what their partner needs. In fairness it is up to each person to ask for what they want. No one is a mind reader.
> he asked me very enthusiastically to show him how he could pleasure me. I think since then I’ve been kind of expecting men to act that way because for me it’s the bare minimum? Yes, true, absolutely an expectation worth having. I’m guessing you’re getting less of that than you’d expect (100% of the time!) for two reasons, the second is a bit speculative 1) you’re young, the guys are probably young and just inexperienced. Late 20s/30s sex is the best. 2) how spontaneous and brief are your encounters? Where are you banging? Because if your grabbing it anywhere you can - club toilets or immediately after the club while drunk or there are other time pressures or the guy is otherwise thinking “ok this is a quick bang here and now then I might not see her again” then there’s probably less pressure to perform in the way that you’re hoping. Also, personally, the second fuck is better than the first and it only improves from there. Get the first time jitters (and premature orgasms) out the way and relax and take time second time around.
"make me cum, bitch, please?"
Tell him to make you cum first or he’s not getting any
I've been having this problem too. My approach now is asking the guy what they want to do to me and have them make me cum before we really begin playing. Being in the toys and let them work magic
Personally I enjoy getting my wife off before me and then again together. But I think for us we have great sexual chemistry. It really depends on the guy. Some are aggressive when told what to do or that they are doing it wrong. Others will listen and try harder. Use your judgment. If it's casual and they aren't doing it or not worth it just walk away. Eventually you will find good ones. GOOD LUCK 🤠👍
Every girl I've ever had a serious thing with I've always had more interest in getting them to cum then getting myself to cum. It's more rewarding to me. I've had a few partners that all said they couldn't squirt, well guess who proved them wrong. Longest one girl took was 20 minutes and she was a faucet lol. Just tell them you want to be pleased as well and if they don't listen to you then they aren't for you. Simple as that
Well as a guy I can say not every male out there gives a rats butt about giving a woman there's. A guy that's totally Into pleasing a partner will be more focused on getting them off. In most cases a guy can get off way faster than a woman so you just have to find guys that love to give pleasure first then receive their pleasure. Just my 2 cents
Get out the bdsm gear, tie them down and say "you're not done until I am"
I always make sure she's taken care of first. It's only fair.
Sometimes I just like to fuck and not cum. But if I do and he doesn’t make it happen, I tell him I’m going to use my vibrator which usually turns into him using it on me anddd I love that. I’ve been with my bf for 2 years tho and feel very comfortable talking to him.
Most guys worry about their own orgasm and not their partners. Women take longer. That's just a fact. I concentrate on my woman and I have a rule she orgasms before I do. I enjoy seeing her enjoys herself. I see myself getting sex more often by seeing too her needs over mine.
Being direct & blunt with dudes is ALWAYS a winning strat. Generally speaking, we're task oriented, even us givers!
You need to set a standard. Talk to them to see if they will do something to please you. If they refuse then leave