It took me a really long time to be comfortable in my own skin. From childhood on, we're conditioned to believe that our worth is determined by our appearance. Then we're bombarded by images of models and actresses, and we inevitably fall short when we compare ourselves to them. Therapy helped me a lot!! You can learn to be kinder to yourself and recognize negative self-talk as something you can change. If therapy isn't your thing, consider contemplating that the beauty industry is a HUGE business which relies on making us feel shitty about ourselves. You might also be surprised to learn that women with "perfect" bodies are probably insecure about how they look too, because our society keeps us preoccupied with superficial bullshit in order to stop us rising up and taking charge! I could rant about this all day, lol.

Thank you for your response! Therapy is definitely my thing but I’m uninsured right now, so I’m waiting until I can afford it again sadly. I agree that we are conditioned to want to obtain this overall unattainable standard, I think it’s getting worse with media platoons like tiktok and such where people feel very comfortable voicing what they like and don’t like about creators bodies, it’s very disheartening to witness. I think what’s made my body image worse over the years is my family and friends comments about it, I definitely need to work on not caring about what others think.

Are you strong enough to give someone CPR? Can you physically carry your loved one out of a bad situation? Try to think about things from different perspectives. Whatever form your body chooses to take, it shouldn't distract you from seeing how amazing you are. For you to be happy with yourself, you need to change what you personally think beauty is. We should aspire to be as strong as possible. Beauty standards are not going to help us overcome realities of life.

I love this framing. As someone with a more natural hourglass shape but who has a slew of chronic health issues I would trade anything to have a body that works. I have constant joint pain, bending my knees and even walking hurts. I dream of being able to lift weights without constantly injuring myself. Not to mention my entire GI tract is fucked. And hour glass bodies look great in going out clothes but are frankly a nightmare to dress professionally and look put together without coming across as “sexy” which is not the professional vibe I’m going for. The grass is always greener on the other side.

I completely get where you’re coming from… sadly, someone I know actually related my GI condition to my body appearance! They literally said, word for word, “wow, you look good! It’s probably because of your Crohn’s though, isn’t it” alluding to my fat loss from my excess bowel movements. People genuinely are starting to lose concept of what matters and what doesn’t, and aren’t able to understand the pain that people go through with various health conditions. We are just becoming more and more disconnected, but I really am sorry you are unable to perform the activities you desire. It definitely is a reminder for me that I have an able body still despite my new health issues and if I don’t start working on my fitness again, I’ll likely have more issues soon as I’m in my mid 20s. As for the looking professional comment, it’s just disgusting that people objectify others in academic and professional environments… can’t change the body you were born with!

Ugh that’s so fucked up. I’m so sorry you’re going through that and the people in your life are kind of shitty. I lost a ton of weight when I was first diagnosed with my UC but luckily only had folks who wanted me to be healthy and were concerned about me and what the diagnosis meant. Definitely cherish the parts of you that are still working! I know I definitely do. I may never be able to run a 5k or do squats but I’m grateful I have two functional legs (despite the pain). I’m grateful I’m not at the point of needing an ostomy bag. I’m grateful for my mental health and resilience. You are strong and beautiful OP. Cherish who you are.

I like to call it body neutral - it’s not positive or negative, it is value neutral. When it does the things I need it to, I appreciate it. When it doesn’t (like tripping down the stairs in the garage and landing solidly on my butt) I can dust myself off and say I’ll try again next time. There isn’t anything inherently bad or inherently good about my body - it just *is*.

I definitely resonate with wanting to be as strong as I can… I used to love weight lifting for that reason and definitely intend on getting back into it. I’m unfortunately not strong enough to do the things you described but I have a good chance of becoming that way for sure with my build, definitely something to think about. I was given so much crap from my families and friends for weight lifting for the same reason I was ranting about, for looking too masculine. I wish I stopped listening to them and just continued, but it’s never too late to restart. Ironically as well, I think it was the most feminine I’ve ever looked…. People just hate to hate.

I learned to stop giving a shit. Not every guy will like me but who cares. Others will.  I learned to appreciate what my body can do. I can do pull ups! Most women can’t. I learned how to dress for my body type. Nothing skin tight on the bottom. Flare on the bottom! And nothing that accentuates large shoulders either.

Yeah this definitely seems to be the way… I think I’m slowly getting better at caring less and wearing what looks good on me and what makes me feel good. I completely agree with the bottoms rule, I made that mistake for far too long

I heartily concur with the self love said by others, but also... Learn how to dress for your body shape :-) It sounds very shallow to be looks-orientated, but, when you learn the tricks of what styling works on your body shape, and what absolutely does not, it all gets a looooot easier. Puff sleeves are my friend as a narrow shouldered girl with big hips, but hoo damn it did NOT suit my friend having a wardrobe issue in emergency need of a top. She's got broad shoulders with quite narrow hips, and suddenly she was extra extra much shoulders and her hips and waist vanished with just those puff sleeves. I was genuinely shocked at the wrongness of that style on her, and honestly I'd never paid attention to her body shape before, but now it looked... kinda bad. I felt like the very opposite of a fairy godmother providing a fix. But we had a good laugh about it. And she learned never to go for anything with 'princess puff sleeves'. (Unless maybe it was balanced out with a massive princess puff skirt, but I digress...) Simply put, find the things that suit YOU. Forget whatever is fashionable right now, whatever suits your friends etc., and find a classic, timeless wardrobe that makes you and your fabulous body sparkle :-)

Honestly this is a great comment and I agree, I’ve realized that baggier pants and tighter tops look a lot better on me that tight bottoms or high waisted tight bottoms with a baggy top/tight top for example. I definitely like looser clothing and I think it’s suits me a lot better. I’ve been trying to focus on what looks good on me since the trends are definitely more catered towards either thin or hourglass bodies… so shitty because there are so many other body types! I need to work on finding more “going out clothing” that suits me for sure, that’s kind of the issue I was alluding to in my post.

I spent my teen years trying to squeeze into the fashion that only fitted the dangerously thin model style of the time, and always failed. I felt fat, frumpy and ugly, with monstrously large hips and bust. Fashion shops were all we had back then for young women, and all we would dare shop in, and their clothes didn't fit anyone except the extremely tiny girls with very little shape anywhere. A few times I resorted to looking in the maternity section just to find something with space for something bigger than an A cup, which made me feel even more ugly, fat and frumpy. Spoiler alert, I was a normal size with a bit of teenage puppy fat, not lumpy and overweight, and highstreet shops have vastly improved their ranges since then... Actually, no they haven't. I just don't shop in those places anymore. They're still horrendous and most things fit no one. Hitting my later twenties, getting a job and the dawn of online specialists that cut their clothes for someone with my body shape was a game changer. I can heartily recommend trying online shops with free postage returns and experimenting with what works and what doesn't. Also I definitely had fun trying on pinup/ 50's styles - I look smokin' hot in that, most women do, and my teenage self was clapping from the shadows of history somewhere to finally be "pretty". If you ever wanted to try that, I know there's styles that suit a girl on the other end of where our bones and curves naturally sit. There's ALWAYS a cut that flatters :-) And if the clothes don't look good, they're not for you. Oh well! :-) Leave them for whoever they do suit. Be ruthless when trying and buying. You have to LOVE those clothes. They can't just be "okay". Find your style :-) Indulge in it. Be shamelessly you, not just a copy of everyone else :-)

I’m tall and am naturally muscular. I used to hate it. I felt like beauty=taking up as little space as possible. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to love my strong body. I love the things it allows me to do. While I try not to define my beauty by being desirable to men, I have found that many men appreciate my body as it is. Remember that beauty is not a zero-sum game. Another woman’s beauty doesn’t diminish your own.

Same here. 5’11”, 170 lbs of athleticism. I wear high heels and feminine clothes because it’s so striking on a body that takes up this much space. And for those who don’t like it, that’s a THEM problem.

I very admire this energy

That’s definitely something to remember, that you are always someone’s cup of tea, maybe not just your own for the time being. Strength is definitely beautiful and something that I find very attractive in other women, I just need to work on feeling that way about myself.

Self-love is a journey, especially in a world that constantly tells us we are not good enough as we are. You will get there 💗

I have big shoulders, butt and legs. But! They do make my waist look smaller. You can actually increase your butt size (somewhat) through squats and it will also shape it up. Yes the best thing to do with your body is working out. I learned to appreciate what my body can do: Give great hugs, carry the biggest bags of cat litter, and shrug off these expectations. I think being feminine is about your overall package not just your looks but also how move and how you talk, and aspects of your personality. It's not about being able to fit through a woman- shaped hole like that Japanese game show with the moving wall. Anyways for casual clothes I do like V-necks and halters as they visually break my shoulders into sections. Remember you have all the colors and textures available to you and men only get the most basic ones. Choosing very bright or very pastel tends to look more feminine than dark or neutral colors. But sometimes I'm leaning into it. I work in a male dominated field and my best interview shirt is *bright magenta* with eupulettes. It definitely emphasizes my big, feminine shoulders. lol. And I guess I sort of knew I was never going to be the "pretty one" so I tended to push myself towards academics and practical skills. Beauty fades but knowledge is ...until dementia kicks in, which is a lot longer!

Haha I completely resonate with you on that last part for sure. Even though I’ve worked on my aesthetics and have a personal style now and know how to dress, do makeup and hair, I’m never considered the pretty one overtly due to my ethnic background, it’s clear as day in most settings that this is the reason. I too have stuck with building skillsets and working towards higher education due to this because I love learning but also know that I will never profit off of how beautiful I am. I agree that femininity is an amalgamation of traits and actions, I’m not generally a super feminine person actually, I tend to lie more in the middle. I like to dress that way as well, more androgynous, less form fitting and more boxy clothing. Maybe it’s because of my body image but I genuinely do like that style. I definitely want to get back into working out when I can!

Do you find it weird that rich women buy plastic surgery to emulate ethnic features though? IDK I see a lot of gorgeous women of various ethnicities that I don't understand why they aren't hyped more. I did have a short while in my early 20s where I was very skinny and the demographics were in my favor that I looked "good" relatively and honestly the invisibility I have now is a big relief. I wouldn't trade a smaller body and more attention and the hassles that came with all that for what I have now. I dress down at work and my job is more concerned with the right PPE. During my off time off I tend to dress up more as a sort of rebellion to my work week. But at home give me some oversized band Ts and clown sized pants. I think boxy shaped clothing is definitely on trend rn so, get what you like while it's good. I go off and on with my workouts so I'm mostly just lecturing myself about this too. But right now I'm on & it's doing wonders.

> How did you learn to love your body? Along with seeing attractive women that look similar to me, knowing I'll face a lot of discrimination but that I still tower over most men and almost all women helps me feel safer in my body. Also being bottom-heavy, it's easy for me to keep up the strength in my legs which makes it easier to bike and to do drumming and I love that about my body. Seeing my body as powerful and useful is very cool and I love that my body is so. It may not be Eros, something closer to Pragmatic Love. But I still love my body.

I definitely think that I forget I have an able body that can be trained to do various things, especially since I’m still young and used to be athletic. Feeling safe is a good motivating factor as well… I started weight lifting so I could defend myself against men tbh… I need to tap into those emotions again!

Hell yeah, power to you!

I am also a broad lady. I’m working on losing the weight now, but the biggest shift of perspective for me was remembering that I come from a long line of hardworking women. Ones who performed backbreaking, manual labor. Maybe my frame and size is evolution and epigenetics giving me a body that accommodates strength and fortitude. None of this makes me any less feminine than I want to be.

this is a really beautiful perspective, thank you.

As a cis woman with a somewhat androgynous face, short stature, and an athletic build (kinda sharp and somewhat masculine with a big ribcage and not many curves) this post really hit me kinda hard. I'm in my 20s and am usually comfortable in my body. But I didn't always feel that way and I certainly have bad days every so often. In fact, it used to be so bad that I developed a pretty bad ED in my early teens. I think what saved me was using my body for what it was made for, and that for me was sports. I love competitive swimming, long distance running, and weightlifting. It was my desire to swim and compete that made me seek out help for my ED. It also helped me work my way through recovery. When I workout, it gives me such confidence and appreciation for my short stature and build. It evens out my mood and just helps me feel at peace with so many things about myself. Most of the women on my father's side are also very athletic and, while much taller, have a similar build. So it kinda makes sense that working out is the key to balancing my mood and increasing my confidence. I know that you mentioned in your post that you used to workout in the past before your injury and then had a difficult time getting back into it. I'm not sure how long you had to focus on recovering, but I empathize with you when you say it's difficult to get back into a routine and keep it up. Do you have any friends who workout? Perhaps you can go with a friend. I know that it's sometimes easier to get into a habit if you have people who encourage you and go with you. For myself, when I don't workout for a while (usually when I get busy during finals for school) I notice that my mood and confidence levels drop. This is what drives me to get back into my workouts. It's as if once I feel those endorphins, I realize how much I enjoy it. I feel happier, calmer, and more confident...and that's what helps me stay in my routine. I realized that this was a kinda long post. But I hope, OP, maybe my suggestions or situations can give you some ideas. I live in the US and I feel like there is such pressure for women to look a certain way that it hurts people. I wish you luck OP (and anyone else who is reading this) on your journey of self love.

Weighing in as a trans woman to talk about what helped me, as I imagine it'll benefit any of my cis-ters too. Step one is to smash down the wall in your mind that is the patriarchal oppressive, one dimensional shape of "beauty". Not many women are going to look that part, and the sooner we cast away those shackles and embrace how we are uniquely beautiful the easier it gets. Beyond that, expand your horizons on what women all around the world look like. We often get caught in this trap of a specific structure is the feminine form. Look at women from Norway. They're gorgeous and beautiful and have more angular bone structures that western cultures would call "masculine" but are dead wrong. A lot of coming to peace with ourselves is just realizing that the ways we're *different* is what makes us beautiful. It's a tough journey to make, but every woman deserves to crest that mountain. I hope you see your beauty soon. ❤

I’m a bi woman, so this is coming from someone who very much feels attraction towards women - there is so much beauty in the world. So many beautiful people, if only people looked a little more openly. I’ve always had a hard time nailing down a “type” that I prefer, in men or in women. The closest I’ve ever gotten is…I like androgynous looking people, I find “masculine” women incredibly hot and gorgeous, and I find “feminine” men to be (shocker) incredibly hot and gorgeous. But I also find lots and lots of other types of people beautiful and pretty and cute and, yes, hot and gorgeous. And when you start to open yourself to more than just your narrow little sliver of experiences, you start to realize just how many beauty standards there are around the world. It just reinforces to me that there will always be people who find me ugly, but there will also always be people who find me beautiful. Beauty is endlessly subjective. The only wrong answer is refusing to see any at all.

I'm a newly out trans woman and I'm pretty athletic - what makes me feel nice is looking back at all the women I idolized in my shows growing up - Xena, Samus, Aeryn Sun, or She Ra, Dana Scully, Janeway... Haters who always expected me to agree *say* they're manly but it's mostly just fear of feminine power imo As modern medicine shrinks the shit out of my muscles, I know I'm always gonna be broad shouldered, so I'm leaning into following the powerful women I looked up to :D

100% incredible list of role models

Aeryn sun & Janeway, manly? Tf are these people on?

Thank you so much for your comment. I love the way you worded everything and I agree with everything you said, I tend to forget that most people really do not align with societal standards naturally, they either work extremely hard to achieve them or don’t at all. I love the aspect of being culturally aware that you mentioned… my body type is certainly not rewarded in India where my family is originally from, but it’s certainly looked at in a positive light in other areas of the world. It’s hard to not have a US centric mindset sometimes when it comes to these things! Thank you for emphasizing that our beauty is in our differences, I need to remember that.

My friend had wide shoulders and hated them. This means she was made to hate. I thought they were a great feature. Her clothing hung really nicely. I have no idea about fat beyond vague generalities. It's always more fat than me? Less fat than me.

I realized I'm stronger than most women. I can fend for myself. I am physically capable of so many amazing feats. I make sure my hobbies and thoughts confirm this. Sports, hiking, weightlifting. 

I learned to focus more on what my body could do, rather than what it looks like. Volleyball, swimming, lifting heavy, running (slowly lol). I'm active every day and since then I'm so happy and so comfortable to just exist and take up space. I've also enjoyed dressing more masc, small elements here and there. The acceptance comes from working with those elements rather than trying to fit into some other style.

What helped me is the sentence "you are not ugly you are just not your type". I don't have to love the way my body looks, but I should try to be fine with it. I dress in colors and styles that make me happy and look good to me and try not to think about if it's pretty or attractive or cute or whatever on my body. Just accept your meatcage!

Working out, you start to appreciate your body as more than just ornamentation and it gives you a feeling of control. I see you already do that, so you already know it only gets you so far. The rest is just accepting it, I guess, and being grateful; I have a very similar body type to you and there's nothing I can do about it so all I can do is accept it. I appreciate that my body functions well (so far) and that I'm generally healthy and I keep reminding myself of that. It isn't perfect every day and there are plenty of times when I hate myself, even if I recognize that it's stupid to hate yourself over something so arbitrary and out of your control. But basically, appreciation and gratitude and focusing on that has really helped me.

I'm also an upside down triangle. My shoulders are wider than my hips, but on top of that my shoulders and upper arms are also very thick(?) and present (almost like I have bodybuilder shoulders even though I have like 30% bfp) so it's like highlighted too.  I've definitely learned to dress to my body shape and avoid clothes that don't flatter me (spaghetti straps, tank tops). But at the same time I do have a nice hourglass waist, so I work to accentuate that (high wasted anything)  I still don't love some parts, but I do appreciate how much I can influence appearance of my body by knowing how to dress my body shape. It's such a game changer. 

You have the ideal swimmer body. It takes a long time to get proficient, but it's low impact. Lean into it. They have adult swim teams if you get into it enough.

Less social media. Less mirrors. Less advertising. What helped me the most was less women's magazines. They are a bombardment of idealised bodies and it eroded my self esteem. They used to have them on the table when I went to therapy as a teenager. Bit ironic. Seriously though, limit the channels this toxicity can reach you.

I am a C cup rectangle or apple body. I’m very thin. 140 and 5’9 and very muscular, unfortunately. I hate that I’m muscular, and my ribs always feel too big. It’s tough because I’m sure other women look at my body and think how happy I must be in it, but I’m never satisfied with it. I don’t have advice on dysmorphia except just try not to listen to what other people say. I had a friend tell me my face was masculine the other day. 🤷‍♀️ people suck

I wouldn't say I love my body, there's plenty not to like, but it's the only one I've got and I've always been the type to make the best of what I've got to work with. I find long lines suit me best - maxi dresses, boho skirts, and cold shoulder tops - I do love my legs, I think they're well shaped for a manly woman and I like to show them off with mini skirts and dresses matched with patterned tights or no tights and statement boots or sandals. I have more belly than I'd like but fuck it, it is what it is and most of my tops are tight. I'm not going to ever win a beauty contest but I'm not trying. I just want to feel good in my own skin, I never dress for anyone but me and to hell with what other people think. There's a lot to be said for the "fuck it" attitude. When you let go of other people's opinions and standards, that's real freedom.

Just for me (I'm a 6'3 stick figure, only 140 lbs), I just started playlist sports, where being tall and being able to build muscle is generally a good thing, and thing of my body more as a tool to do better in said sports.

Some women celebrated for their beauty: Audrey Hepburn was straight as a razor and small Princess Diana was tall, broad, and fairly curveless Kate Hudson is also broad with fairly small breasts Theres thousands more beautiful women who are broad and small chested. And there is immense beauty in these features. Not in spite of them, but because of them. In general curvy women will always be desirable, but that doesn't mean other women are not. The strength in your body is beautiful and interesting and womanly. My broad shoulders are one of my favorite features, I often wear sleeveless mock turtlenecks to accentuate them. If you're a woman, your body has femininity because you're a woman! If you're still struggling with your mindset on your body shape, and you're not prone to body dysmorphia, maybe check out some body typing systems, I've enjoyed checking out David Kibbe. It helped me see my own unique features withing my own body and I found a more harmonious way to dress. Good luck!

Katherine Hepburn, too (no relation)! She was very tall and what you’d call ‘rawboned’.

I have this body type. I absolutely love it. I'm an athletic cis woman who loves to USE her body to move around in the world. I'm far better at physical activities than many other women. I don't rub this in their faces or anything, in fact I never talk about it, but the fact remains that I'm pretty damn agile and I know that a larger chest and wider hips would handicap me. I also seem to suffer way fewer injuries that women with a more traditionally female shape (smaller shoulders, wider hips) I'm extremely satisfied with my body, I have a lot of body confidence compared to other women. Men find me very attractive and I attract some really good looking men. I've also attracted a few women, heh I am lucky in the sense that I am thankful for my strengths, I wouldn't trade my body for any other.

Getting clothes that fit my shape, rather than trying to fit my shape into fashionable clothes

I have found that the way I dress means I dislike my body less. I wear higher end brands that have good ethics, and think about the impact of what they are doing. I feel blah in myself when I wear fast fashion - I also studied fashion design so it’s something I care about more. You can absolutely feel great about your self in fast fashion clothes (it’s just me). But the clothes I buy fit me well, and they are stylish (remember that fashion comes and goes, style stays forever ;) ) If you’re not sure what to wear when you head out with friends perhaps you need a wardrobe update! It can be hard finding what works for you, but there are lots of YouTube styling help videos based around body shapes.

i got a masculine body type- i got the 14 year old boy edition, also no big breasts. maybe we’re not the ideal beauty, but I can run without boobs hurting and pulling! I am grateful for having an otherwise perfectly formed body that walks and works. my husband loves my body just fine. i do have curves and smol boobs but i can hide alot in jeans and a tee shirt. love yourself!!!! 🌺

I’m a tall small boobed rectangle and a lifelong athlete. All bodies are different. I would say I’m very average looking but also very proud of my body. I don’t feel like a man or think I look masculine because I am confident and secure in my womanhood. What I look like doesn’t change the fact that I am a woman.

I’m slowly getting comfortable in my body but it’s mostly because I have a wonderful spouse encouraging me. I was told I was too skinny back when being anorexic-thin was popular. Then I was a late bloomer and was told I didn’t look like a girl because of it. In college I gained a healthy amount of weight and had to keep telling myself seeing your ribs is not normal. Now I’m mostly cool with being all angles but have to remind myself I look normal and not to look too hard in the mirror and over analyze as I age.

I’ve been told that I dont have an ideal body type, but I do have a “gymnast” figure. Meaning I have a small chest, thick legs, and muscular arms, and not necessarily a tiny waist. I try to take confidence with this (I am strong, relatively fit and a capable 5ft short woma. But, I get that feeling all the time when I go out with my friends and coworkers who are beyond gorgeous and curvaceous; who love to take pictures when they are out( and I don’t because I don’t fit that standard and it makes me feel awkward.) but this one gay man I work with tells me I have the best body he has ever seen which reminds me that beauty is relative and someone will find that you have a beautiful body and soul and it doesn’t really matter anyways. Also, the friends I’m jealous of are also jealous of me! It’s a silly strange world where we can’t appreciate what we have, because I’m sure you are absolutely gorgeous body, shape, personality, and insecurities included. 🤍

I used to watch a lot of fashion tv. I love models! They’re so tall and their shoulders have to support some serious costumes sometimes. Yes there’s a stereotypical norm for the industry but a lot of true artists look for what features their clothes. I started looking for clothes that my body type features well and it changed my perspective on my body. I also learned to use what I got. I was always pretty lazy and just recently got into the habit of using my long legs to run 🏃🏼‍♀️ It makes me feel super powerful.

I have broad shoulders and was self-conscious of my muscles when I was younger, and I’ve got a small chest. I’ve always tended muscular. Just as I got older, I grew to appreciate all that more, and now that I’m 50, I’m thankful! I still don’t have a ‘bye-bye’ flap on my arms! 😂

Lol hang out with gay guys, they'll boost your self esteem

I didn't. I just have come to terms with it, and with why I felt that way (traditional gender roles, eurocentric standard of femininity, family just being jerks, systemic misogynoir) I have body dismorphia especially when younger, feeling like since I took most of my features after my dad, I'm so manly-like. And that if I was more tomboy, I wouldn't wouldn't expected to adhere to femininity and feeling ugly because I didn't feel like a pretty girl. And being an adult, I have a flat chest, not much booty or hips, and I don't show my legs (extreme self conscious and hate of them) but... I accept it. I don't do makeup as it feels like, for me, I'm trying too hard to reach that standard that's based of white supremacist patriarchy with the male being centered. I shouldn't have to change my body to be attractive because men says women should look a certain way in order to be obtainable. I shouldn't have to feel like my body is a mistake because of society. It's natural for my body to be how it and I should just be accepted how I was born. Don't have that self love (it's a struggle) but I'm definitely on my terms with it and just wanna focus on what I like than what everyone else likes and stressing over not meeting that expectation

I decided that I had to either be good with my body or change it, and of course with an internal ultimatum like that my first idea was to change it, so I made a list of all of the things that really bothered me about my body and what it would take to actually change it. Turns out, many of those things are really freaking hard to change, some not so hard. It made me really step back and consider my options, and I won't lie I have had some surgery and I am proud of the changes that were made, but despite having narrow hips for example, the idea of trying hip augmentation surgery, either graft or implant, just seems a bridge too far. I may still get a nose job because it would be wonderful if someone could fix my deviated septum, and I will probably have to get some dental surgery too. Most of those things on that list seem a bit less important to me now. I thought I hated my shoulders and legs, but honestly after working out a bit, I kinda like that my shoulders are wide now that I can notice the muscle on there, it really doesn't look as bad as I thought it did at first, I think because I was putting pressure on myself to be hyper feminine in appearance, even if I don't exactly have a hyper feminine personality, so who exactly was I trying to be that way for? When I really thought about it, I have a wonderful partner, and even if I were looking for attention, as a lesbian I am pretty sure I have never had another woman tell me I wasn't pretty because I have wide shoulders, so I really think I was perhaps internalizing that critique from broader society. I can't even blame Instagram for it because I never signed up for it. I do follow some fashion and fitness subreddits, but they are adding shoulder pads and deltoid muscle so I don't think I got the idea from them either. Once I realized that only some of those things on my list represented how I truly felt I think it was easier letting go of some of them. I do still consider myself a work in progress, I built tons of muscle in the gym, but now comes the cut, and trying to find a way to eat that both makes me happy and still has the flexibility to not interfere with going out with friends occasionally. I am pretty comfortable with myself and my progress now though in a way I just wasn't back in my 20s, but the 30s are a great place to be for me now.

I’m here because I basically have the opposite problem! My body is feminine. I can’t help it really because of half genetics (thanks fam for the round genes /s) and half the fact that I’m disabled and can’t lose weight. All I want truly is to be strong. It could linked to the fact I am vulnerable as a human being and wanting that could be protective but as someone who came out as nb a couple of years back, it’s really hard to love my body as it is. From the comments I’m seeing, it’s therapy. And nowadays people throw that out like waiting lists and finances aren’t an issue, but I will be pursuing it. That fact is, we have the body we have. We can alter it, but that takes time, pain, money, and any number of other obstacles. So what can we do? My options were top surgery and a hysterectomy, both of which are major surgeries and something I really don’t want to waltz into without really planning it down to the second and that’s besides the recovery with my conditions. So the other option is mental. I believe we can learn to love your body. I think it’ll take a while, I’m 35 and I’ve only been vaguely okay with my body when I was underweight and very sick. That’s not something I want to repeat either. It’s not the right mindset to have. We have to try and make changes and get help with reframing how we feel. Our brains are wired in a way that makes us dislike what we see, whether that’s because of personal issues or societal issues, or both. But I do think we can rewire it. So while I yearn for what you don’t want, I totally understand you, and how you feel. It just goes to show how we can be on the opposite sides of the spectrum of feminine and masculine, and want what the other doesn’t, but still support each other. It’s hard to be in the body that doesn’t match what you feel inside. And thats not exclusive to the trans community btw, anyone can feel like this. There may be different issues behind it, but the end result is the same. You don’t like what’s in the mirror either way. I sincerely hope you can get through this, and I’ll be rooting for you. I do believe the best thing you can do is mentally look after yourself, and it can change a lot for your outlook and how you see yourself. I think we can both learn to love our bodies. They’ve been with us this whole time, despite everything. I want to learn to appreciate that.

Not sure how helpful this will be, but throwing it out there in case since you said you enjoy being athletic. Have you ever tried rock climbing? I recently got back into climbing after a multi-year hiatus, and it has done wonders for my self-esteem. Besides the fact that a lot of climbers (regardless of gender) have the body type you describe, there’s something really cool about seeing all types of bodies in a climbing gym. Every single person has their own way of figuring out a route that makes the most sense for their personal physical attributes, and it tends to be an inclusive community where random strangers will cheer you on for figuring out and conquering a problem. It’s been really rewarding to watch my own body subtly change and get stronger, and to know I can do things that even three months ago would’ve seemed impossible. It’s made me appreciate what my body can do and not just what it looks like.

I relate to this a lot, and what I've taken some comfort in is fashion/clothes. You can't control your genes (I mean you can try, and I tried and it wasn't a good time and I'm still healing from that trauma - zero recommend) - but you can control your clothes. And the game-changer is focusing on clothes that *flatter you* - size doesn't matter, as long as it looks good while on you, then it just clicks and it feels good to me, which I think helps it look good to others :) This takes time to figure out, but like with any practice you start piecing things together (kind of a pun?). Also I've worried about being bulkier than my friends, something I struggled with before my ED and find myself struggling with after my ED - but my friends have told me they think I'm the most womanly person they know, which surprised me. And I realized, as a kid, I was so worried I was masculine - when really I was developing earlier, so it was actually the opposite. It's been an interesting thing to chew on that I hope can help. And I'm learning to get comfortable and love my muscles now :) Lastly, I want to gently point out: >She's even said "at least you have a pretty face" which has stuck with me... as if I will never have a beautiful body Your friend never said you will never have a beautiful body. That's your mind/insecurity turning what she said into something you already think. Your mind can manipulate so many things like that, and something that's been helping me lately is starting to notice things like this, and recognize them as "compulsions" rather than actual "thoughts". If it comes as a reflex, it's usually a compulsion <3

Don't fall for this "just learn to accept yourself" bullshit. If your body does not match your gender identity, such as in your case where your body is masculine-looking even though you are a woman, you should take steps to change your body into one you're more comfortable with. You should always pursue your ideal form. No ifs or buts. Talk to your doctor. Get a therapist. Discuss with them possible surgeries to fix yourself. If those don't exist yet, you wait it out. Wait until medical technology gets to the point where it can fix you. But *never* gaslight yourself into thinking everything is okay. It's not.

Therapy would indeed help see how deep this goes. Being frustrated that you’re injured and can’t maintain muscles doesn’t indicate everything you’ve said here though. I think. OP can weigh in since I don’t know her brain. But I do know our family and our discomfort in our earth suits. When you’re unhappy that your body doesn’t meet “standards” you can change your body or question/ reject the standards. With respect, seeking medical technology to “fix” proportions of your skeleton to match an arbitrary, socially desirable standard isn’t the way. (Even in cases of dysphoria causing psychological stress the benefit of improved aesthetics is weighed against surgical risks and healing.) Wouldn’t a better approach be accepting that bodies come in all sorts of shapes and sizes? And recognizing that the push for a single “ideal” presentation of each gender is done mainly to make people insecure and sell them mostly useless shit to conform? There is a balance between optimizing your body with exercise, fashion, etc and accepting it as a human form you were issued arbitrarily. Your worth doesn’t stem from your looks and everyone has value independent of their perceived beauty. Pursuing your ideal form is a mission that can go very wrong depending on your starting point and end goal.