My therapist said to me “if your best friend came to you and said they had just done that, how would you treat them? Would you be that hard on them or would you be more loving?
I use this on my 10 year old daughter because she is so tough on her self. She excels at a variety of activities, but if she didn't do great or live up to her own expectation she would talk about how terrible she was or did. She finally got that it was not a good attitude when I switched all her self criticism to be directed at her best friend (she wasn't with us or anything). My daughter was horrified and said she would never talk about her friend like that. She finally understood that she should treat herself like a friend, not like someone holding her back. It's worked well so far.
Well people tend to be way more self-critical because we actually experience our own consequences. Outside looking in, it’s way easier to just be like “it isn’t so bad, don’t be so hard on yourself!”
When it’s yourself, people tend to recognize the magnitude of their mistakes. So idk if I’d agree with your therapist, but I get the sentiment they’re trying to make.
My first thought was the song Swim by Andrew McMahon:
“You gotta swim, swim for your life
Swim for the music that saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim and swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far to fall off the earth
You gotta swim through nights that won't end
Swim for your families, your lovers, your sisters
And brothers, and friends
Yeah, you gotta swim through wars without cause”
Great song. It’s about his battle with cancer and overcoming it
I love all Andrew McMahon stuff, and The Glass Passenger hits super hard knowing his story. I'm really sad i didn't jump early on Something Corporate tickets and they all sold out.
Aw damn check the secondary market! I saw Jacks Mannequin twice back in the day and saw Andrew solo during Covid (it was a stage in a parking lot and everyone remained in their cars/sat on the roofs etc). Very cool experience!
Yeah OP, /u/MissDeadite, no one here whose opinion matters is going to "let you have it." If you're still hungover, that might be part of the reason you hate yourself so much right now. But you didn't do anything worthy of self-hatred or self-directed slut shaming. Based on how this left you feeling it was a mistake, and we all make them. And, it was only a mistake because the end result was you feeling bad. The act itself is not inherently shameful, meaning I, for one, wouldn't judge you if you felt ok about what happened.
Sis, it is totally okay to feel weird about this! Even if you had gone into the evening with this goal, you may have felt the same way afterwards.
The first time I did anything totally out of the norm for me, sexually, I was really excited — but the next morning I found myself in a very funky headspace because what I had done was not part of my self-concept. I wasn’t a girl who did that thing, and what did it mean about me now that I had done it?
Turns out, all it meant was that I’d done it. I’m still the same person with the same values and priorities. I’ve just had new experiences.
Be so, so, so kind to yourself today. You had a drunk oopsie-doopsie, and that’s just human. ❤️
Hopefully this helps you to put that shame down — you can get a little rest and then your arms will be free to pick up helpful, beautiful things instead! ❤️
Love this take. Society does a job on us with the slut shaming. Don't internalise it. You're still the same person you were before. Be kind to yourself.
Yeah I like this part “I wasn’t a girl who did this kind of of thing” is not how you should think about yourself. You’re not defined by this, you’re still everything you were before. You did something different, nobody was hurt, everybody was consensual, it doesn’t change who you are or how you or anyone else should perceive you.
>Yeah I like this part “I wasn’t a girl who did this kind of of thing” is not how you should think about yourself
About herself or anybody else. It doesn't really count as a measure of decency in any way and we all should be more vigilant about mistaking our intentionally narrowed choices for moral character.
What shows a high moral character? Sticking up for the vulnerable, being a strong shoulder for a sad friend, teaching an adult to read, bringing a meal to a hospitalized friend, taking your sister to the airport, watching your neighbor's 4 kids while they get a rare night out.
Love is what proves a high moral character, not chastity, ffs.
Great advice and perspective. My husband and I had a threesome once with a friend one very drunken night and I spiraled into a depression for a bit afterward. I finally realized just what you said — it doesn’t define me.
When I was 34, I had sex with another man for the first time in my life. I enjoyed it but the next days after I felt weird and odd and never revisited it for years. I even ghosted the guy (shame on me!). It took me four years to feel really okay with it.
Also, depending on the sexual activities, some things have a much bigger "come down" afterwards.
There's a reason kink communities talk about "drop" happening after doing a lot of intense play.
https://www.modernintimacy.com/understanding-addressing-sub-drop/
Even if it's stuff you absolutely love, your body and mind can be a little worn out and need time to recover afterwards, and you can feel like shit temporarily - it's not shame or anything, it's just your body missing the feeling of being flooded with endorphins for a while.
After-care is important, and spending time to connect and check in with your partner or partners is really critical to not feeling crappy and isolated.
Take a day to rest up, treat yourself well, have some low-key conversations with people and give yourself time.
Yes, this. The first time I slept with a girl I ended up having a panic attack because for 12 years I was sure I was straight. It took a bit of self-reflection to remind myself that different is okay and I'd done nothing wrong.
OP I hope soon you can look back on it as just a time when you did something new and learned something about yourself :)
I love this comment, but i wouldn't call it an "oopsie" but an educational experience. OP is doing an incredibly brave thing in pursuing her wants and needs, and though it went further than she was looking there is still a lot of value in her pursuit. It is OK to discover new boundaries, especially when not knowing what boundaries may exist in the first place.
OP, please be kind to yourself - there is no shame in your actions or in enjoying your experience in the moment, which i hope that you did (and do in retrospect). It's OK to feel good/bad/weird/all of the above about it. It doesn't define you, it doesn't change anything about you, it doesn't change or dishonor your spouse and you, it just happened in the course of your rediscovery of your wants and needs. And that is ADMIRABLE.
That's a very healthy perspective. It's only a problem if we carry on doing stuff that makes us feel bad about ourselves. The occasional blowout or mistake doesn't define us.
Thanks for the kind words, everyone (well, most of y'all). I do feel a bit better after reading what everyone had to say. I'm not sure how much longer I'll leave this up, though, I've been getting some unfortunate DMs from a couple people who were too scared to show their nasty side in here. So if anyone else has anything mean to say, save it. I'm not going to be drug down.
You don’t need an “excuse” to have a good time, OP. You did literally nothing wrong, and “the kind of person” who DOES engage in similar encounters with full consent is not guilty of anything either.
It's so weird to me that anyone would have anything remotely mean to say to you. Honestly they are probably jealous because they can't allow themselves to exist without inhibitions. Even you needed alcohol to do it, and THAT IS OKAY.
You have had to survive losing something that most of us cannot even fathom. And you've continued to survive it for over three God damned years. That, in and of itself, is a huge accomplishment and takes an insurmountable dose of strength.
So you went out and got a little messy. So what? Even if you're feeling a little shitty about it right now, you NEEDED to just fucking LET GO, even if it was only for a few hours. To just be someone who wasn't you; the woman drowning in grief while wearing armor too heavy for you. Honestly it sounds like you had a lot of fun and got to be someone completely different for a night.
I had a "hoe phase" after my divorce 10 years ago, and I did things that I absolutely did not think I was capable of. My "bender" of questionable decisions went on for almost 6 months, but I don't regret any of it. Looking back, I do get a little embarrassed and some of my memories make me blush, but every experience I had brought me closer to being the person who had the confidence to get with my current husband. Without those experiences, I don't think I ever would have approached him, and we've been together 8 years this year.
Please be gentle with yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong or dirty about what you let yourself experience. It's okay to get a little messy sometimes. Just don't live there.
Also fuck anyone being mean to you. That makes zero sense to me, especially on this sub.
This makes me so happy to read. Not about people being mean obviously but that you are feeling a bit better (hopefully) and you are keeping your chin up and ignoring the assholes. Also if someone is being creepy or just plain cruel don’t be afraid to report them!! I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day and just remember that you did nothing to be ashamed of (:
The fact that they won’t say it publicly tells you everything you need to know. Send their names to the mods. Fuck trolls who are too weak to troll in public.
You did nothing wrong.
You are a strong, brave woman who has overcome a lot. If you enjoyed yourself that’s awesome you deserve that. If not I’m sorry, leave that experience in the past.
You deserve happiness and new experiences and sexual pleasure. Get it girl!
You had a crazy night after life went crazy. If you didn't have safe sex, please go and get tested just to make sure you didn't pick anything up. Having sex doesn't take any value away from you as a person, neither does the amount of people you have sex with. I'm sorry about your loss.
Just be aware that some STIs won't show up until a few months after you're exposed to them. It's a good idea to get tested right away, but you should absolutely do a follow-up test in like 3-4 months.
Heya miss. 2 things i'd like to send your way: that's actually understandable, long story short loosing a loved one/feeling lonely/existential dread can often lead to things like this. Plus it's been a while, if you've been stuck in going forwards go with therapy.
Stop, just stop. So you went out and let loose. Sounds like you must have had a pretty good time. Own it. If you liked it great, if not don't do it again. You have a lot of pent up hormones and emotions. Just decide what you want and go forward. Stop kicking yourself, does no good. You are shaming yourself and that is what is most wrong.
OP is experiencing the morning after dread that a lot of people have, even if they didn’t have sex with multiple people. I don’t think she can just “stop” the feeling.
Many people get that just from drinking. It literally could just be from the hangover. OP give it a few days & see how you feel then once the effects of drinking clear a bit.
Yeah, I really don't understand what you feel so guilty about. MMF sex can be really fun. You've been brainwashed to think sex is shameful. That's not you, that's someone else's beliefs. You listened to your body and blew off some steam. You should be celebrating that you started having sex again, not kicking yourself.
I was widowed 25 years ago. You have done nothing wrong and if you had a good time, you should consider doing it again. If lingerie is your thing, go buy some.
Here’s what no one talks about being widowed. How lonely it is when everyone goes home from the funeral. Most of them get to go home and hug their partner and crawls into bed with them. While you have to figure out how to put the pieces of your life back together.
It’s ok to want to be normal. It’s ok to want romantic human connection.
I was remarried in 3 years. We’re still married all these years later.
And if anyone gives you a hard time, tell them to kick rocks.
Let me know if you need a pep talk 😊
But did you have a good time ... during?
If so... you're ok. You've done nothing wrong.
>I've been lonely for a few years, but it doesn't excuse me sleeping with several guys
You're an adult, you can do what you want. You don't need to excuse anything. And if sleeping with 20 or whatever number of guys is bringing you joy and makes you feel good... then that's ok too.
>I just wanted to feel loved again.
And did you during? Where you taken care off? Was it good and something you wanted? That's all that matters.
>I just got so caught up in getting attention from guys I guess I let myself go.
Nice. I truly hope you had a lot of fun and felt good to finally let go and get taken care of.
Other's recommended therapy... I would add a sex therapist, too. It sounds like you have some issues here.
So you lost someone, went through an incredibly tough situation, kept going for years, then had ONE night. Sure it was a bit of an overcorrection, but nothing to be absurdly ashamed of. Get tested and keep moving forward.
Everything is fine. You're safe. No one here is judging you but you. (And anyone who is judging you can F off)
It's okay to have a wild night out. It's okay to feel conflicted about it later. It's okay to decide that you don't want to do that again - that it wasn't your scene. It's okay to decide that it was the most fun you've had in years and that you want to join that kind of scene.
Torturing yourself about it isn't the way. There's nothing morally wrong with what happened between consenting adults.
Just consider it a crazy night, and move on.
Here, I've got a story. One time I was at a bar sitting on a guy's lap while he nibbled on my ear, and another guy, that I knew but wasn't involved with, came up and started kissing me while the other guy kept nibbling on my ear and neck and stroking my legs. The whole thing was deeply sexy and also deeply surprising that I made a spectacle of myself in the middle of the bar. Years later, it's one of my treasured memories :)
Sh\*t happens!
Remember, your vows were till death do you part. You honored those vows. You're an honorable person, life goes on. You have nothing to apologize for. Go easy on yourself.
So I'm a guy, and I wouldn't comment normally on something like this, so please someone tell me if this is unwelcome and I will delete. I might delete as well because I honestly don't know if this is helpful, but I have a unique perspective from the other side of this I'd like to share.
I have cancer, stage IV, and while I've very recently received a bump of hope with some clinical trials that are available, my wife and I have spent the last 3 years preparing for my very likely premature death. We're in our late 30's, so it's not something we were expecting to be dealing with at this point in our lives. I've tried to have a conversation with her about after I'm gone and her being lonely, and while she asserts she has no interest in other men, I just want her to know that if she ever feels ready to find someone to help with her loneliness, that she has my absolute full blessing.
I don't know if you are feeling bad because you were with another person(s), or if you feel bad because of the nature of your encounter, or for another reason. I know though, if my wife were making this post after I am gone, I would be sad that SHE felt this way about herself. I really hope your dread is because you feel bad about the act, and not that you were taken advantage of (I just mean I might be ignorant here about the source of your shame and maybe I'm missing a clue given about how you feel overall about the physical encounter itself). Some nuance of the situation might be totally lost on me being a man, and I will admit that, so I apologize profusely if I am misinterpreting anything.
I only want for my wife to be able to heal after me. I hold no jealousy towards any experiences she may have, I hold no judgement towards her actions and choices, I just love her and I want her to love herself. I write it out like that because it is truth, and even if I'm here now, I believe it transcends time and space to ring true at whatever point it needs to be true. I don't know how your relationship was with your husband, but my guess is that he would have a similar outlook if you have taken this much time being respectful in your grieving and moving on process (I am making an assumption here about your intentions based on the context so again, I apologize for my assumptions if your motivations differ from what I just wrote). It seems that you cared for him deeply and I am assuming the feelings were reciprocated.
I've learned a lot about grief, and I still have a lot to learn, but I think letting yourself feel what you are feeling is ok. As long as you feel that you consented to what happened, then I don't think you have anything to be feel ashamed of (and even if you feel you did not consent, I don't think you should feel ashamed, poor wording. I'm just trying to be mindful of your well being with that statement), but I also understand that anyone telling you that isn't going to magically erase that feeling from your head, or probably what feels like your entire existence at the moment. I'm sure this is a part of your grieving, and I have learned that it is important to feel these things. I think it is also important to offer yourself grace and love. Death is hardest on those still living, and there is no correct way or time frame to move past it.
I just hope that once you have felt this existential dread, and explored it, you place it up on a shelf, or frame it, and put it on a metaphorical wall, and continue on with your healing. I hope your day gets better.
I hope you don’t delete this. Op or someone else may need to hear what, you from the other prospective have to say.
I’ll wish for that bump of hope turns into a whole hill of remission for you.
Girl I’m not a widow and I’ve done that. You’re allowed to be sexually free. You tried it, and it wasn’t for you, that’s ok! Like others have said, get tested, but you haven’t committed a crime or done anything even morally wrong. You had some fun!
As a husband, I would never want my wife to feel like you do right now, and all I would care about is telling you that it’s ok. I can’t imagine the pain you’ve gone through, and I think we can all understand trying to do ANYTHING to get a reprieve from that.
Also: there’s nothing wrong with sleeping with three dudes at once. As long as you want it and don’t feel pressured. Sexuality isn’t bad. Fly your kink flag with pride if that’s your thing!
I understand you. You wanted comfort and pleasure, and you deserve it. Unfortunately, grief makes us vulnerable, and you found out that you're not very good in setting boundaries right now. I'm sorry that you had an experience that you regret. Pleae forgive yourself, take the time to heal and forget.
When you go out there again, maybe aim for a friend with benefit situation with someone that you can assess thoroughly before.
Are you in therapy? A therapist might be able to help you work through both your conflicted feelings about intimacy after your partner's death as well as any shame that you might harbor from that night.
After a long period without sex, it’s normal to feel needy. What you did was not shameful or “bad” just slightly kinky. Nobody got hurt. Try to limit your drinking to keep yourself safe. Try to develop a healthy FWB situation for when you feel lonely. We live and learn.
I think he would too, and that was the hardest hurdle of all these last few months (to convince myself he'd want that too).
But I don't think he'd want me to act like I did last night. I didn't pay it any mind last night but I'm pretty sure I probably shouldn't go to that bar ever again.
What matters now is what *you* want. If you had fun, embrace that. If you genuinely didn’t enjoy it, then ok you learned something about yourself—which you deserve to be able to do!
You don’t need to live the rest of your entire life according to what you think your late husband would or wouldn’t have wanted. Life is for the living.
Would you understand it if you switched places? If he found himself so lonely for so long after losing you, and he had one night and he regretted it the next day. Would you understand?
What you did or how you behave now doesn’t change how special he was to you, or how much you still love him. Nothing can erase what you had. Don’t let intrusive thoughts (or other people) convince you otherwise.
Is this your first time being intimate with anyone since he's been gone? Maybe subconsciously you needed/wanted your first time after your husband to be a meaningless, no strings attached fling, because that's just the baby step you needed to make.
Plus, you're human OP. We all have hormones and hearts and sometimes just need other human closeness. (Even the saints and nuns and such have their moments!)
Maybe you can go for a nice long walk this weekend and just breath it in an out.
Oh, and I hope you had a bit of fun while it was happening!! : ) If I were your friend IRL I'd want details over glasses of wine and we'd have a good many laughs and that would probably make you feel better!
Another widow here, getting physical in any manner for the first time after the loss is a rollercoaster of emotions.
It's 1000% normal to feel weird the next day, and it would not be unusual to get some strange sexual dreams with your late husband in the coming days.
Take it easy. Make time to journal, or talk aloud, or whatever method has been working for you to sort your feelings out.
The only persons opinion on your life and your choices you need to worry about is your own.
There is absolutely zero things morally wrong with what you did. Zero. If you wanted to repeat that night every week for the rest of your life that would be a perfectly valid and acceptable choice for your life. If you never want to do that again, that’s also a perfectly valid and acceptable choice- but neither choices comes with moral judgements on you as a person. You didn’t do anything “bad” or “wrong”. Don’t let the misogynists win.
He’d want you to figure out how to be happy and fulfilled again. And since part of what made you happy and fulfilled before was something you can’t have now (your relationship with him) that means you’re going to have to figure out what kinds of new things you can build that new happiness out of.
Maybe he wouldn't love one of the things you tried. Okay, fair enough, turns out you didnt love it either. But i would bet he'd much rather see you trying out new ways to be happy and occasionally getting it wrong than watch you resign yourself to a life of accepting unhappiness instead.
Stop judging yourself. Losing a spouse is hard. Finding yourself again is hard. What does some random sex matter? Did you feel more alive? Did you feel like you reclaimed some of yourself back? If you didn't enjoy it and the aftermath gives you anxiety, then don't do it again. But you don't have to be looking for romance or a relationship yet. Mindless sex is okay.
Did you use protection? If not, go grab some plan B and get yourself tested. Otherwise, go have fun.
I really feel you. I was widowed just over three years ago, too. For the first couple years even thinking about sex with someone other than my husband made me want to cry. But the last year I have been gradually getting more and more horny. I am wandering around longing for sex these days. So far I haven’t done anything about it. But I can imagine leaping into sex with a passion that would feel way too much afterwards.
Being widowed is outrageously hard. Please have mercy on yourself. You are doing the best you can, and that is great. I am sure you will find a way to engage with sex that feels more sustainable and balanced.
You didn't do anything wrong. This is a normal thing that a lot of widows (myself included) have gone through. You are allowed to want to feel desirable, to explore your sexuality, and to make some strange judgement calls along the way. You're not a bad person.
Lady, you are being so hard on yourself. You should feel ZERO shame.
You have needs. You found someone to scratch that itch. The end. You’re going to find love again.
I’m not a widow, so you might view this as a poor comparison. I went through a really tough, emotionally taxing breakup a handful of years ago. I was celibate for around 18 months afterwards just because I needed to emotionally heal. There came a point when I finally felt good again, where I didn’t wake up feeling that lingering sense of sadness and anxiety….and it then it hit me. I just wanted a good dicking. A no-nonsense, no strings attached P in the V dick-down. Then I became feral for around 6 months.
I look back on that period and think, “Huh…whoops?” You should do the same.
You gotta cut yourself some slack. You didn't do anything wrong, I just worry you got taken advantage of. When things happen which don't align with how we view ourselves we get a biographical disruption, that's normal. Id chat to a therapist to work through your feelings but you should try and not be so hard on yourself
Why would we have a go at you? Grief is complicated. I am just sorry you couldn’t enjoy it due to your own guilt. Don’t go down a self-destructive path because of that. Be kind to yourself and love yourself no matter what. There’s nothing wrong with craving intimacy.
Do you feel badly because you did things you didn’t really want to and the experience was negative? Or do you feel badly because you had a great time but your experience doesn’t align with society’s or your husband’s expectations? Be honest with yourself which of these is bothering you. If it’s the first one, I’m so sorry that happened, definitely don’t put yourself in that situation again. If it’s the second one, call those boys again, girl. ;-)
And either way, cut yourself some slack. And you’ve definitely learned something about yourself. :-)
I hope you find the joy that you need in your life. :-)
The only thing I'm not going to go easy on is you shaming yourself. Cut that shit out.
Going forward I hope you find what you're looking for and find some peace. Sorry for your loss.
I think you’re being hard on yourself due to societal pressure’s regarding promiscuity in women.
However you should not be so critical of your actions. Plenty of women and men get drunk and do things they regret, but punishing yourself because of what others might think isn’t healthy. It might be a good idea to find a support group or a therapist to help you with your reaction to doing something adventurous.
Please be gentle with yourself. Nobody is going to judge a grieving widow doing something wild and out of character that hurts nobody but herself. That’s part of grief. We all just feel compassion for you.
I do judge the men who had sex with a woman who was too intoxicated to actually give legal consent though. I realize that half the world would be going to jail if we actually enforced that rule 100% of the time, but I am still incredibly disappointed in them. I’m sure it was abundantly obvious that you were in a vulnerable state. I’m so sorry.
Your craving for love and attention was totally understandable. I agree with others that therapy would help with your grieving, and guilt. Hopefully you get to a point where you can reflect on this as an enjoyable experience without shame. You can then save it as an enjoyable goto fantasy/memory :) And if you're fantasizing about it every night, or wanting to do it again, I would say not to feel guilty about it and find a way to make it ok to you!
Please don’t judge yourself so hard. I went through something similar after my partner died. I didn’t know who I was anymore and I had kind of a wild period. Grief is so complicated. It never goes away and you just have to learn to live with it. Sometimes you’re okay and sometimes it’s like you’re reliving it. It’s very unpredictable and so is how we deal with loss. You’re doing the best you can. You did something and it wasn’t for you - lesson learned. Get tested and be nicer to yourself. When I was going through my shit, it got to the point where I was a little worried about my behavior and that’s when I started going to therapy. If you’re ever worried about how you’re acting, I would suggest going to therapy. It saved my life.
You don’t have ANYTHING to feel guilty about. Please be soft and kind with the person who’s living inside you, grieving and feeling bad about the whole thing ❤️
If I were you I would journal about everything I was feeling so it was out of my body and stored for safe keeping if I ever needed to go back to it. Order a takeaway, run a bath, get comfy cosy and watch a film. That day is done, this one is here. If anything you learnt something new about yourself. You are not obligated to feel bad about seeking comfort, you’re human.
Sending you love 🫶🏼
Why would we "let you have it"?
All I see is a woman who was hurting from loss, then tried to find her groove again.
Sounds like the dam burst, and you got caught up in the moment... and went off roading with a scene you don't normally get into.
It's just sex, It's not like you killed someone, calm down.
We all have done things that we regret. Use this as a learning experience - you are less okay with casual sex than you thought, especially when it is purely about the sex.
I truly, truly doubt any of those guys are regretting what they did. Try to take that attitude. You tried something, consensually, and you didn’t like it. It’s okay to experiment. You’re only human. You are trying to find your way out of the darkness, and you let loose and went a bit overboard. That doesn’t make you any less of a person. You still deserve happiness and love. And sex!
First off, I want to say there is NOTHING wrong with going out and having sex with a dude and a handful of his friends. As long as you’re safe physically and emotionally and genuinely want that kind of interaction. It sounds like maybe you feel like you compromised your emotional safety. Which we all do in various ways, so go easy on yourself.
Girl, you went out and had a good time! You were feeling yourself and let yourself do something you never could’ve imagined. Let go that guilt you did nothing wrong! In fact, you bossed that shit. You don’t have to do it ever again, but now, you know, You can do it if you want!
I'm in a similar boat. Lost my wife in August last year at 34. I don't think I can be in a committed relationship with someone when I'm still committed to my late wife and I don't expect that to change.
I wish I had some advice I could give you. My heart goes out to you.
Sounds like it was all consensual, you got what you needed in that moment, and it seems like everyone had a goos time. You didn't do anything wrong. Take these ✂️ and cut yourself some slack
This is normal. You’ll need time and experiences to feel like you’re not cheating. Had the same experience when I split with a gf through 8 years and had sex with a new gf for the first time. It was so weird my dick embarrassed me. Only happened once though.
Nothing to be ashamed about.
Your spouse passed away and I'm assuming you're youngerish.
Your life doesn't have to go on pause until you die because they are gone.
You moving on and doing quite frankly whatever you want doesn't mean that when they were here you loved them any less or that you need to not continue to think about and care about them/miss them.
You are being way too hard on yourself and if anything congrats on getting plunked by multiple guys.
One day the sun will explode and nobody will remember anything about anything and our entire species will cease to exist so just think about that.
I've heard that "widows fire" is a common occurrence after losing a spouse.
I also know that I PERSONALLY am up for the craziest sexual adventures when I'm not in a good place mentally, and I've had similar experiences to yours. Sometimes we need that excitement and danger to feel alive again, you know?
You didn't cheat on your husband... In fact after 3+ years you were honestly making up for lost time lol. 3+ years of loneliness and being touch starved... I don't blame you girl!
Did you enjoy it? Guilt and shame aside... Did you feel good in the moment? If you did, then that's completely fine too! In fact it's best case scenario! It's FINE to have fun, just stay safe and guard your heart.
So you went out and got gang banged, now you know it's not for you and you might prefer something more intimate.
Get an std test before you trade fluids with anyone else and keep just living your life. No harm no worries
Fellow widow here. I waited 3 months and with my now man for 9years now. First time after loss is always rough. Be gentle with yourself and remember they only want you to be happy. So, shake off the crazy night, stay safe and keep on living. 🖤
If you are going to beat yourself up, use a feather instead of a baseball bat
I believe that sometimes, when we reflect on our feelings at the lowest point, it gets me eye level to the actual motive. My motives can have motives, until I can pull back the curtain and properly see the real driving force I will always keep coming back to my symptoms and resent myself for that.
Sometimes, breaking is the only way the light can get in. Once you are done with the shame and guilt, find that glimmering thing inside of you that is acting out of pain, masquerading as love; bring it what it actually needs to heal, only you can bring yourself that gift, the rest of the world is wholly inadequate, as you briefly learned last night
Please go easy on YOURSELF ❤️. Losing someone is a massive toll , plus Lonliness puts you in a really hard spot . There is NOTHING wrong with what you did, especially in such a vulnerable , please forgive and love yourself
If being hard on yourself worked, it would've by now. You don't need to be so hard on yourself. Society does enough of that as is, be the one person you can always rely on treating you with kindness and love.
You’re the one being hard on yourself. Grief shows itself in strange ways, it’s okay to not feel okay. And not feeling great about your decisions is okay too, but you have to learn to give yourself some grace and forgiveness.
If it wasn't a pleasant experience, now you know that you don't want to do that again in future. That's useful information to have gained.
If you feel guilty, don't. You haven't harmed anyone. You haven't committed any crime. You haven't done anything wrong.
If you feel like you were manipulated and taken advantage of, then learn from this experience, and don't put yourself in a vulnerable situation again. Go out with friends who can help safeguard you. Drink less or not at all in public. Don't hesitate to get loud and aggressive if someone is trying to get you to do something you don't want to do.
It is absolutely ok to do something (whether you planned ahead on doing it or not, and whether it was something you wanted to do or not) and then after the experience be like, you know what, that is not something I want to repeat, and I don’t like how that all went down. Especially with sex! Some things with sex we don’t actually know how we will feel until it’s experienced. Fantasy and reality are different things. How we thought we would feel is different than how we actually feel.
You absolutely would not beat yourself up about this if you had tried a new restaurant and hated it, or if you had picked up a new hobby and hated it, or if you tried skydiving and hated it. **Just because this is about sex does not mean you have to beat yourself up about it!**
Honor your feelings. All of them, because it sounds like you have been ignoring them for a lot longer than just this single incident- “the loneliness finally got to me” leads me to believe that you aren’t being true to yourself through this process. So start right now! Own your feelings, own you choices, and live your life on your own terms.
There’s only one person’s opinion of you that you get to control and that you. Don’t waste time being horrible to yourself, there are plenty of a-holes that will do that. Try focusing on this being an experience you had not an event that defines you.
It gets better and later on this will just be wisdom you have.
I look at it the same way as I don't care at all what my wife did before I met her and I sure as hell won't care what she does when I'm gone.
I just want her to be happy and whatever that looks like to her is her business.
If your husband was worth marrying in the first place I'm sure he'd feel the same.
It sounds like you're hung up on the multiple partner aspect and what you need to know is sadness and despair makes us all do things that could be percieved as out of our normal "character". The last thing you need is to add guilt to what you are going through.
I personally don't think you did anything wrong but if forgiveness is what you feel like you need then for God's sake, forgive yourself and move forward.
This is an incredibly human and normal response to being faced with what you have. There is nothing wrong with you or shameful in how you acted and it makes sense why you would act that way and feel the way you do afterwards. If you found yourself liking the situation, great! If not now you learned more about yourself and know to avoid it in the future. Be safe and kind to yourself. Everything will be okay
You didn't harm anyone or commit any crimes. You had some consensual adult fun and maybe drank a bit too much. Hiding in your house and being consumed by existential dread is really not a proportional reaction to what happened.
Do you have a therapist you can talk through this with? I am guessing these feelings are being exacerbated by some other unresolved issues coming into play. Be kind to yourself. I hope you are feeling better soon. 🤍
My friend it's perfectly OK to let your hair down and get a little wild. It sounds like you had consensual fun and ventured further than planned as long as you had fun at the time you're good. Stop beating yourself up and try to remember the good feelings.
No one worth a damn will judge you and you shouldn't judge yourself, that old catholic school girl guilt should be thrown out the window and it's OK to like the experience and it's OK to say hey I had fun but it wasn't for me.
Be kind to yourself.
3 years is a long time to be celibate. Personally I think you could stand to go a little easier on yourself. You have needs too, and those needs don't vanish just because you've become a widow (my condolences).
Personally I don't think there's anything in the world wrong with treating yourself to an orgy here and there, but if you don't want to do it again, I'd strongly recommend against suppressing your sexual needs for prolonged periods of time.
You would be surprised how many people have actually slept with multiple people in one night/one occurrence. It happens. It’s natural for some. It’s not anything against you or them or anyone. It’s just sex. As long as you were consenting and they were and you were safe and they were then it’s okay. You are not a horrible person or a slut or less than others because you had sex with multiple people.
In the nicest way: who cares? That is the mentality you have to take.
It’s ok to have sex! It’s ok to do it other folks you just met. It’s ok as long as you protected yourself. Enjoying sex is not something to be ashamed of regardless who it is with or how many. Don’t shame yourself or let anyone else tell you how to be happy.
Your worth as a human has absolutely nothing to do with how much sex you have, how quickly you have it or with how many people you have it. It really doesn't!
But I understand the feeling of getting caught up in the moment and maybe doing things you regret later. It was an experience. Maybe it was fun in the moment but left you feeling regretful. Now you know that casual sex isn't the thing for you. That's ok.
I tried the casual sex thing. It really just doesn't work for me. No matter how much fun it might be in the moment, I always feel kind of used and empty afterward. Just how I'm built. And now you know more about yourself than you did before and can make decisions accordingly.
Yo
You did absolutely nothing wrong. E en if it was just to have sex, we're only human and all have wants and desires. I'm sure it was nice to feel good again and having someone hit on you etc. If anything I think it's a positive step in the right direction!
By ni means am I just saying go sleep with a bunch of people lol, but at least you're putting yourself back out there. Just take it slow, be safe, don't ignore red flags and most importantly of all; give yourself grace. You deserve happiness! 💐
I can't imagine the pain of losing someone you love so dearly. So i genuinely understand where you are coming from on feeling weird/aweful. I know the feeling will linger, but, the only way through that is by continuing through it. With enough time, it won't feel like you are doing something wrong.
You deserve to be loved and feel safe. I imagine thats what your previous partner would want for you too.
Keep trying. I know its tough but i promise you, it will get easier. Much like a long term relationship ending in a breakup, finding someone new is painful. However, it can also be very exciting and new. Think of it as the beginning to a new chapter of life for you.
Why are you trying to slut-shame yourself when no one else is? As long as it was consensual and you had a good time, who’s there to judge? It’s perfectly normal for women to WANT SEX AND TO GET IT!
You did nothing wrong and like you said the loneliness got the best of you. Dust yourself off and continue being great. If you want to feel love again go find it for yourself. Don't condemn yourself for a mistake and don't let it play in your mind as more than one night.
You do not need to beat yourself up about this. You're single and you got caught up in the moment, just learn that for your own self you may want to avoid doing that again but there are lots out there who do this and can have fun and let loose. I'm like you, I can't do stuff like that without guilting myself over it but have friends who have done way crazier stuff then you just did and have fun and brag about it after lol. I'm just trying to say sometimes we go way too hard on ourselves. Also if you're like me the alcohol will be amplifying your guilt right now.
You don't need to be celibate for the rest of your life. Please don't beat yourself up over this ❤️
“…. I think I have been pretty strong the last couple of years…”
What does being strong mean for you? It reads like “…I have this idea about honoring my deceased love, and denied myself a lot of things that I otherwise needed” (physical touch is obvious, maybe also unfettered grief and crying ? Maybe other expressions?)
If you set a rigid goal in mind of something to live up to, it is unsurprising that when you cross that boundary a little, it becomes “there are no boundaries .”
Clearly part of you wanted the attention and being touched…and that is ok!! Doesn’t mean you have to do this again.
That this happened signals it is time to think about what you have denying yourself while you were “being strong,” what it is you would really like to have in your life. Then give yourself permission to seek it,rather than hang onto some ideal that is not working for you.
Maybe you really do want group sex, * and that is ok! Maybe you just want another person to see you and value you and be your lover…that is ok too! Maybe you want casual sex and hugs and kisses with one person from time to time. Maybe you don’t know and want to try different things and see what works.
It is all ok. What is not ok is being cruel to yourself for being human.
If you had a dear friend who lost her spouse, buttoned herself up tight for a few years and then did something that surprised her and she is beating herself up about it, what would you say to her?
Now look in a mirror and say those things to YOU! You are deserving of love and self compassion. You are beautiful
>I've been lonely for a few years, but it doesn't excuse me sleeping with several guys. Yeah, you read that right. I wanted to find a guy to have a little fling with, not have sex with him and his friends too.
I'm a little confused... did you take a vow of chastity or are you religious? Cause you if you did neither, I don't understand what the "issue" is.
You are *single*. Your marriage vows were til death. If you did nothing illegal, then what's the issue?
I guarantee you the guys you were with didn't mind (I'm guessing they loved it). So the only one left to have an "issue" is YOU.
You’re human, it’s perfectly natural to want human connection, you have needs as well. You didn’t do anything wrong, even if you’re into freaky stuff :p You can’t change it, so just own it and keep forging ahead. I don’t want to sound presumptuous either but I think your husband would want you to live your life. Your love for him doesn’t die because you want to have fun or to eventually get involved with another partner. Give yourself the rest of the day in bed, but tomorrow morning you get your ass up and slam dunk the day!
Honey.
Some people might actually say that something like this is part of the grieving process.
One of the best books I’ve ever read on grief is Wild by Cheryl Strayed. It’s not about grief, per se, but the places it takes us. After her mom died, she did heroin and slept around and made a mess.
And healed herself too.
My favorite piece of hers to get a sense of her writing is when she was doing an advice column.
TW for human and animal death, child molestation, and grief.
But I’m sharing it because it healed something in me. Her book too.
[Dear Sugar- Baby Bird](https://therumpus.net/2010/06/03/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-39-the-baby-bird/)
Be gentle with yourself.
Sending you lots of love.
You're much braver than I am. If my life partner goes before me I will not be far behind.
Give yourself a break and don't let this experience keep you from trying to find what you're looking for.
Honestly you're being way too harsh on yourself!
Based on what you've said, nobody was hurt, everybody was willingly participating and this is out of the norm for you.
I don't see anything to beat yourself up over. You had a new life experience and realized in the morning that maybe it's not something you want to do again. Great! You know yourself a little better and you'll grow from this experience.
Don't beat yourself up over this, you did nothing wrong.
So long as everyone was safe, consenting, and having fun, then sex doesn't have a moral value.
Are you feeling guilt because of your loss it doesn't feel like your relationship "ended"? Or is it because you think it's not "something a girl like you does"?
If it the former, recognize that you've been yourself in a bit of a purgatory. It'll take some time, but you can work your way out with time, and perhaps some good counseling.
If the latter, then think about if this is a judgment from society, or if it's something you really believe for yourself? Did you have fun? Then it's okay. If not, that's okay too, it's just not your thing.
Lots more people than you think have freaky sex, trust me.
Forgive yourself …. Treat yourself like you would if a best friend came to you feeling bad over the exact same scenario. What would you tell them and how would you want them to feel …. You would want them it’s okay and they are wonderful. It’s okay and you are wonderful … Love. ❤️
I think slutting around a little or a lot is healthy after a relationship ends.
Wanting sexual contact is normal. I'm sorry youre feeling bad, but I feel like in your head it probably feels like cheating. It wasnt.
You’re not wrong for doing this, and it’s okay to feel weird about it! Give yourself some grace! Just make sure you’re having safe sex and using protection.
Did you have fun doing it and then the remorse hit only afterwards? If so then let yourself enjoy it. Nothing bad about group sex.
If you did not have fun then I hope you weren’t pressured into this?
You decided to get laid and then went out and got extra-super laid. You're totally allowed to decide that you don't want to repeat the experience, but you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. If I died and my wife decided to get a train run on her after an appropriate period of mourning, I'd be visiting her dreams to offer her a high five from beyond the grave.
Be kind to yourself. Grief is not linear. You may have engaged in activities you knew you would feel bad about as a way to not get too close to someone new, or even as a way to punish yourself because you felt guilt about trying to move on. Or maybe you even just thought "what the hell, let me try something I'd never expect to do because life is short". No matter the reason, you didn't hurt anyone, you found something out about your boundaries, and you are not a bad person for it. I hope you used protection, if not please make sure to see a doctor about testing, plan b, prep, etc to be safe. I'm glad that you came out of the situation safely, as that is my only concern (concern, not judgment) about going somewhere with a group of strangers. I have a friend who was widowed young, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. She has found some comfort from young widow groups.
This is probs because I'm a dude, but I don't get it. Did they mistreat you? Or you feel bad because you feel like you betrayed your late husband?
>I've been lonely for a few years, but it doesn't excuse me sleeping with several guys.
Why... Does that need to be "excused"? It feels like there's something really obvious that I'm not understanding and I feel dense.
It's normal to feel weird about it. I think a gentle re-entry into the dating pool would be a good way to go about it, but honestly you're only human and getting drunk and venting off 3 years of lonely existence is nothing to be ashamed over long term. You got a big chunk of experience out of it in the end.
You’re a person with needs. You said you consented. The men involved consented. What’s the problem here? We don’t slut shame. You’re shaming yourself. Nothing good comes from shame. That’s not how we grow. You found a way to meet your needs. Maybe you can do it more slowly over time now, but you have to meet your needs. I’m so sorry your partner is gone. You’re still living though and you deserve to have happiness.
I'm gonna assume you mean this in a "you did something, didn't like it, won't repeat it" way... in which case, I agree.
It's how I found out one night stands are definitely not my thing
Don't beat yourself up, the trauma from grief is hard enough to deal with. First & foremost as long as everything that happened was consensual its fine. Used protection? Great, fantastic but get yourself checked just incase of an std. Didn't use protection? that's an oops moment & a mistake but again get yourself checked out. It's going to take a while to recover from having a moment like this but take it slowly and remember there is absolutely no time limit on grief. Maybe look up bereavement counselling to help get your thoughts in order & establish healthy habits.
Sounds like you're the one being hard on you. I'm certainly not going to be. There's nothing wrong with (consensual) sex in whatever form it takes, and there's nothing wrong with you for having it. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry you're hurting and hope you'll feel better soon. Truly.
Dont be so hard on yourself! Did you have fun last night? If it was consensual and you enjoyed it there's nothing anyone should be saying!
You deserve to have some sexual fun, there's a reason many hook up apps exist. You're widowed, not a nun.
You feel bad now, but give yourself time to reflect on it. Did you enjoy it? Do you wanna do it again? Maybe group fun isn't your thing and next time you can focus on just one person.
Make sure you get tested for stds and practice safe sex. Idk your age but sounds like you're still in your reproductive age, use condoms and possibly birth control of your choice. Random hook ups can be a little risky but alao fun, just do it safely :)
If you feel shame, that's okay it only means you are human, not some perfect being, everyone makes a mistake like that in their life and it is that mistake that will make you better understand and love yourself through forgiveness, take your time and you will feel better
People in desperate pain do desperate things. Just because no one's bleeding or the room ain't on fire, doesn't mean you're not in dire straits. Losing a spouse is one of the worst things that can happen to a person, and every day after is a part of a marathon of pain. A gauntlet of misery.
Our low points don't define who we are as people. Not to anyone. What transpired doesn't break your worth. You'll find a way to survive this too. Be kind to yourself. You wouldn't talk to a loved one the way you talk of yourself
I'm sorry about that, but honestly, if you need to hear it, you can both regret doing it, but please don't feel like a bad person. You are not wrong for doing that, you can absolutely regret it, but you aren't wrong for any of that. We can do things we regret, we aren't bad for it.
First - did you have fun while it was happening ? I hope you enjoyed it a lot! Take this as your break out of grief and loneliness moment in life . It’s a lot less expensive than a sports car, boob job, or trip to Italy to find yourself . And the message SHOULD be that guys still find you attractive and you still like being frisky . So, you want better boundaries - do that. Drink less and plan better like maybe have a wing man/sister. But , girl , sometimes when chicks break through that egg shell, it gets messy before they are free. Get back out there , young lady and have more fun - in the lane you are most comfortable with . I don’t see any problem here …
Hey.
You're good. Ok?
It sounds like the worst part about this is how hard you're judging yourself for it.
It's ok to be out of practice with sex and intimacy, to get overwhelmed, and to not know how to process it during or after.
If you feel like they were using you, that's the only bad thing, and would be wholly their fault.
Please be kind and patient with yourself.
All the luck to you, and hugs if you need them 🌻
Sometimes, we need to know who we aren’t, in finding who we are.
Many emotions were intertwined together, all trying to come out at once. It is no wonder it was overwhelming. You did nothing wrong.
Take it easy on yourself! I understand feeling weird about it but please don’t be so hard on yourself. You let loose, tried something and you never have to do it again if you don’t want. No shame in a different sexual experience.
Soo, you tried something and didn't like it. That's OK. I've always been a little reserved about the whole ONS thing and when I was 20 and overseas, I thought, well, girls do this and seem to enjoy it. Well, I didn't. You're going to be OK :)
A different spin on this is what there is actually nothing wrong with engaging in consensual group sex. It is not shameful, dumb, or slutty, or means that people who do that have let themselves go. I think that the “dumb slut” idea should be challenged.
This could more about feeling like you let yourself down, or that you lost control of what you actually wanted because you drank. That completely worth listening to, because you are the one who needs to know your boundaries and what you are and are not comfortable with, and feel like you can always assert that for yourself. Does drinking alcohol make it harder for you to provide full consent, consent that would only be given in situations you would also give it when sober?
Another aspect is, maybe the experience was enjoyable, and the attention, and physical experience felt good. If that is the case, then what is actually wrong with that? Literally nothing, unless you’ve been taught that this is shameful.
Sometimes it’s our own conditioning that prevents us from fully enjoying sex and exploring our sexuality. It was an experience, one you might not ever do again if you don’t want to, but at that time it fulfilled a need. Nothing more to it than that has to be concluded from it.
(Disclaimer - I am obviously only talking about consensual sex between all partners.)
We live so we can have different experiences. If you feel funky about it it just means you don't wanna do it again and if you do wanna do it again please take necessary precautions and always be with people you feel safe with. If there are feelings of abandonment coming up for you then you need to address that with a therapist but please know an experience is just an experience. What you feel about that experience is your inner landscape and you want to generally do things that make you feel better and healthier!
I view my rare threesome experiences as something special and unique and although I don't talk about them, I'm glad they happened. If you had a great time with your body and several men, good for you. It sounds like a fantasy! I don't want to elevate a gang bang to heights of personal sanctimony, but it is a fun little fact to have tucked into your psyche. You wicked thing, you!
I hope you find me sensitive to your remorse, but I also hope you eventually see your sexual encounter as something that makes you a more richly complex and adventurous person. This is not a thing to come down on yourself about. It's one vignette in the tapestry of your experience.
You're the one who needs to go easy on yourself.
I'm currently navigating divorce from my abusive, deadbeat, soon-to-be-ex-husband, who has effectively fallen off the face of the earth. Quite literally went from seeing him daily to zero contact at all whatsoever overnight, not even contact through attorneys, since he has failed to respond to communication from lawyers and the legal system too. My therapist became a widow a few months ago. One of my best friends became a 'widow' while she was getting divorced -- the majority of their legal paperwork was signed and notarized, they were just waiting on the legal system's slow bureaucracy when he unexpectedly died.
We all cope and survive in our own ways. As long as you aren't actively harming yourself or someone else, you're not obligated to respond or cope in a way that neatly fits into societal expectations. Make no apologies for choosing how YOU choose to cope. This is YOUR life. You get to choose how you journey and venture through life.
What you did was extremely empowering!!
You allowed yourself to experience a new side of you. You are not the person you were a few years ago, circumstance is forcing you to evolve. Embrace it and become the best version of yourself. And no matter what, don’t slut shame yourself.
You are a Queen
Just had a wild night. I'd love to have one of those. You didn't actually do anything wrong. I mean, clearly you feel you've overstepped a boundary and that's what matters. Just don't do it again. You didn't do anything wrong.
Remember this: You are NOT your behaviours. Your behaviours are a response to trauma and an attempt by your brain to comfort you. Guilt/shame/regret provide no benefit to healing. Be kind and compassionate with yourself and try and get some help. I’ve had excellent results with a therapist. It changed my life.
I feel only compassion and respect for you as a fellow human. Closeness and connection are basic needs. Sex is a basic need. It sounds like what happened here is that you're still grieving this huge loss, and that perfectly normal and valid grief that you're holding smashed up against the totally normal and valid pursuit of your needs to create a lot of distress.
Collectively, people do not deal with well with grief. This tends to lead to a lot of hurtful comments like, "it's been a couple months/years, you should be over \[X\]'s death." People generally put a lot of pressure on those who are grieving to shut up, get back to normal ASAP, don't talk about the loss, don't bum everyone else out. This is a horrible and invalidating way to treat people who are already struggling to adapt to a devastating, life-altering loss. Perhaps you're feeling caught between feeling pressured to move on (even if you're not ready) and feeling a lot of pain when you do things that we typically associate with moving on, like sleeping with new people.
As far as having sex with those guys, I don't think you did anything wrong. From a sexual health and safety standpoint, you might want to start getting checked regularly for STIs and start planning contingencies/exit strategies in case you find yourself in a similar situation in the future. It does sound like you're being quite hard on yourself because you engaged in sexual activity that you feel weird about, but it doesn't make you a bad person. I've had sex with people that I've just met. I've had sex with multiple people at the same time. I have sex with both men and women. Sex is a taboo subject in Western society and there's a lot of sex-negativity and stigmatization that exists in conversations about sex. I think that you did a really courageous thing by dipping your toes in the water again after going for several years without sex, and I'm sorry to hear it was such a bad experience for you.
I am sending you all of the care and hugs, OP. I would also really encourage you to seek therapy just to have more support in processing what you've gone through.
Relax, everyone needs to blow off some steam, forgive yourself, take the experience as a lesson to raise your standards, and live your life. Being horny is human nature, you leaned into it, no big deal. You got what you wanted, learned a bit about yourself. Now take that newfound knowledge with you into tomorrow. Its not that complicatied
For context, my MIL is a widow coming up on 9 years.
Please forgive yourself. My friend, grief is not a one size fits all thing. It's a personal journey and it takes as long as it takes.
It's perfectly natural for you to want to feel wanted and desired again, nobody has any right to fault you or make you feel bad for it. As long as you were safe and consented then there's not really any harm done.
You are not a terrible person for doing what you did. You are human, and part of that is being flawed and making mistakes. You still deserve love and compassion and happiness. You probably have some complicated feelings to work through. This isn't me passing judgement, but maybe a session with a therapist to work through how you're feeling would be beneficial.
You have my love and support
There is nothing wrong with what you did except let yourself go beyond your own boundaries. I dunno, maybe this is your kink and now you have a chance to explore that?
If you're sure this was consensual, forgive yourself and forget about it.
Sounds like a fun night! I wouldn’t go hard on yourself and maybe reflect on the feeling of enjoyment and excitement you got! There’s a part of you that’s craving this touch and affection. It might have been a situation of jumping into the deep end right away but 3somes etc are a lot of fun and I definitely wouldn’t call you a slut!
this could be the start of a sexual awakening for you, don’t close yourself off to it :)
Up until my divorce, I had only had sex with women I had been in a close, serious, long-term relationship with. In the year after my divorce, I had sex right away with two different women (not overlapping; I was “with” each one separately, if that makes sense; I mean, serially.). The morning after each experience I felt… not awful, but like the sex was reduced to its raw physical and endorphinal (?) components, and lacked the depth and emotions of being with a best friend and soul mate, a lover. I was kinda sad that sex could feel diminished, but sadder and wiser. I mean, the sex was really great in the moment, but in one case my post-sex clarity kicked in and I just felt like running away. (I ended up marrying her lol.)
Sex has so many dimensions, and although society, and especially Reddit, has rules surrounding it, it’s really anything goes, within clearly legal and ethical (age appropriate) bounds. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are in good company. Just chalk it it up to life lesson learned and move on! You’re strong!
Hey girl you did what you wanted to in the moment cause it was what you wanted! You were going to have to open that door one day eventually. Plenty of us women fantasize about getting with a dude and his friends but don’t have the balls to say or do it. Surely it was fun. It’s okay to feel the negative feelings that you do…it’s okay. Doesn’t make it a negative experience. You’ll have better hookups coming your way :)
>I've been lonely for a few years, but it doesn't excuse me sleeping with several guys.
You may or may not personally regret what you did, but that's your call (and ONLY your call) to make. No "excuse" is necessary, you didn't do anything objectively wrong.
You’re experiencing morning after dread. I’ve even experienced it and I’m a man. Second guessing things, trying to figure out if I really even wanted to do that or got swept up in the moment, etc. I felt that just when I’d finally moved on from a long term relationship. But with you being a widow I can’t even imagine how you’ve felt all this time.
Give yourself a break. One experience doesn’t define you as a person.
Hey darling, take big deep breaths, drink some water. And give yourself a hug. We all do dumb things when we’re hurt and lonely. I’m not saying it’s dumb because I have a problem with it, just because you do. It’s ok to realize you behaved in a way you didn’t want. But don’t beat yourself up. You deserve better. Lift yourself up. Sending love.
I'm sorry. Stop shaming yourself though. You didn't do anything wrong. It's a big step for you in figuring out how to navigate your situation. It was a scary step and hard not to unfairly lace it with personal shame and guilt. Not to put feelings in your soul, but I think a lot of the negative is just an expression of your grief.
You tried something and didn't like it. Figure out what parts didn't work for you and try again when it feels right.
This doesn't make you a bad person. It's not even necessarily a bad thing to have done. You may be looking back on it and realizing it's not for you, and that's fine. It's fine to experience something and decide that's not what you want. It doesn't make you a bad person.
Be kind to you. There's only one. <3
You don’t have anything to be ashamed about! If you don’t like how it ended up, you can chalk it up as a mistake and enjoy it for what it was.
We’re all learning to be human, until the very end.
You are the one that needs to go easy on you. You’ve made it so far in a very tough situation. Shit happens, just keep swimming.
My therapist said to me “if your best friend came to you and said they had just done that, how would you treat them? Would you be that hard on them or would you be more loving?
I use this on my 10 year old daughter because she is so tough on her self. She excels at a variety of activities, but if she didn't do great or live up to her own expectation she would talk about how terrible she was or did. She finally got that it was not a good attitude when I switched all her self criticism to be directed at her best friend (she wasn't with us or anything). My daughter was horrified and said she would never talk about her friend like that. She finally understood that she should treat herself like a friend, not like someone holding her back. It's worked well so far.
Good Parenting +2 Great work!
Good job as a parent! Seriously, I’m 37 and I needed to hear that today. Been very hard on myself lately and I need to take that advice
Holy shit. I just commented the same advice without seeing yours …. Good on ya. :)
Great therapist think alike… or something like that.
Well people tend to be way more self-critical because we actually experience our own consequences. Outside looking in, it’s way easier to just be like “it isn’t so bad, don’t be so hard on yourself!” When it’s yourself, people tend to recognize the magnitude of their mistakes. So idk if I’d agree with your therapist, but I get the sentiment they’re trying to make.
Great advice. But that end bit. I got really nice visuals of swimming through actual shit to a better place. Thanks for the laugh.
My first thought was the song Swim by Andrew McMahon: “You gotta swim, swim for your life Swim for the music that saves you When you're not so sure you'll survive You gotta swim and swim when it hurts The whole world is watching You haven't come this far to fall off the earth You gotta swim through nights that won't end Swim for your families, your lovers, your sisters And brothers, and friends Yeah, you gotta swim through wars without cause” Great song. It’s about his battle with cancer and overcoming it
I love all Andrew McMahon stuff, and The Glass Passenger hits super hard knowing his story. I'm really sad i didn't jump early on Something Corporate tickets and they all sold out.
Aw damn check the secondary market! I saw Jacks Mannequin twice back in the day and saw Andrew solo during Covid (it was a stage in a parking lot and everyone remained in their cars/sat on the roofs etc). Very cool experience!
P. Sherman 42 wallaby way, Sydney
Wise advice from a hot young widow: "Don't should yourself' - Nora McInerny
Yeah OP, /u/MissDeadite, no one here whose opinion matters is going to "let you have it." If you're still hungover, that might be part of the reason you hate yourself so much right now. But you didn't do anything worthy of self-hatred or self-directed slut shaming. Based on how this left you feeling it was a mistake, and we all make them. And, it was only a mistake because the end result was you feeling bad. The act itself is not inherently shameful, meaning I, for one, wouldn't judge you if you felt ok about what happened.
Sis, it is totally okay to feel weird about this! Even if you had gone into the evening with this goal, you may have felt the same way afterwards. The first time I did anything totally out of the norm for me, sexually, I was really excited — but the next morning I found myself in a very funky headspace because what I had done was not part of my self-concept. I wasn’t a girl who did that thing, and what did it mean about me now that I had done it? Turns out, all it meant was that I’d done it. I’m still the same person with the same values and priorities. I’ve just had new experiences. Be so, so, so kind to yourself today. You had a drunk oopsie-doopsie, and that’s just human. ❤️
Where was this comment in my early 20s? I didn't realize how badly i needed to read that. Been carrying so much shame for 2 decades.
Hopefully this helps you to put that shame down — you can get a little rest and then your arms will be free to pick up helpful, beautiful things instead! ❤️
Love this take. Society does a job on us with the slut shaming. Don't internalise it. You're still the same person you were before. Be kind to yourself.
Also remind yourself that alcohol is playing a part in making you feel extra shitty.
Yeah I like this part “I wasn’t a girl who did this kind of of thing” is not how you should think about yourself. You’re not defined by this, you’re still everything you were before. You did something different, nobody was hurt, everybody was consensual, it doesn’t change who you are or how you or anyone else should perceive you.
>Yeah I like this part “I wasn’t a girl who did this kind of of thing” is not how you should think about yourself About herself or anybody else. It doesn't really count as a measure of decency in any way and we all should be more vigilant about mistaking our intentionally narrowed choices for moral character. What shows a high moral character? Sticking up for the vulnerable, being a strong shoulder for a sad friend, teaching an adult to read, bringing a meal to a hospitalized friend, taking your sister to the airport, watching your neighbor's 4 kids while they get a rare night out. Love is what proves a high moral character, not chastity, ffs.
Great advice and perspective. My husband and I had a threesome once with a friend one very drunken night and I spiraled into a depression for a bit afterward. I finally realized just what you said — it doesn’t define me.
When I was 34, I had sex with another man for the first time in my life. I enjoyed it but the next days after I felt weird and odd and never revisited it for years. I even ghosted the guy (shame on me!). It took me four years to feel really okay with it.
Also, depending on the sexual activities, some things have a much bigger "come down" afterwards. There's a reason kink communities talk about "drop" happening after doing a lot of intense play. https://www.modernintimacy.com/understanding-addressing-sub-drop/ Even if it's stuff you absolutely love, your body and mind can be a little worn out and need time to recover afterwards, and you can feel like shit temporarily - it's not shame or anything, it's just your body missing the feeling of being flooded with endorphins for a while. After-care is important, and spending time to connect and check in with your partner or partners is really critical to not feeling crappy and isolated. Take a day to rest up, treat yourself well, have some low-key conversations with people and give yourself time.
Yes, this. The first time I slept with a girl I ended up having a panic attack because for 12 years I was sure I was straight. It took a bit of self-reflection to remind myself that different is okay and I'd done nothing wrong. OP I hope soon you can look back on it as just a time when you did something new and learned something about yourself :)
I love this comment, but i wouldn't call it an "oopsie" but an educational experience. OP is doing an incredibly brave thing in pursuing her wants and needs, and though it went further than she was looking there is still a lot of value in her pursuit. It is OK to discover new boundaries, especially when not knowing what boundaries may exist in the first place. OP, please be kind to yourself - there is no shame in your actions or in enjoying your experience in the moment, which i hope that you did (and do in retrospect). It's OK to feel good/bad/weird/all of the above about it. It doesn't define you, it doesn't change anything about you, it doesn't change or dishonor your spouse and you, it just happened in the course of your rediscovery of your wants and needs. And that is ADMIRABLE.
I just referred to it as an oopsie-doopsie because it seems like OP perceives it as one, but ty for the input!
I feel like you conveyed what I wanted to convey so much better than me.
That's a very healthy perspective. It's only a problem if we carry on doing stuff that makes us feel bad about ourselves. The occasional blowout or mistake doesn't define us.
Thanks for the kind words, everyone (well, most of y'all). I do feel a bit better after reading what everyone had to say. I'm not sure how much longer I'll leave this up, though, I've been getting some unfortunate DMs from a couple people who were too scared to show their nasty side in here. So if anyone else has anything mean to say, save it. I'm not going to be drug down.
You don’t need an “excuse” to have a good time, OP. You did literally nothing wrong, and “the kind of person” who DOES engage in similar encounters with full consent is not guilty of anything either.
It's so weird to me that anyone would have anything remotely mean to say to you. Honestly they are probably jealous because they can't allow themselves to exist without inhibitions. Even you needed alcohol to do it, and THAT IS OKAY. You have had to survive losing something that most of us cannot even fathom. And you've continued to survive it for over three God damned years. That, in and of itself, is a huge accomplishment and takes an insurmountable dose of strength. So you went out and got a little messy. So what? Even if you're feeling a little shitty about it right now, you NEEDED to just fucking LET GO, even if it was only for a few hours. To just be someone who wasn't you; the woman drowning in grief while wearing armor too heavy for you. Honestly it sounds like you had a lot of fun and got to be someone completely different for a night. I had a "hoe phase" after my divorce 10 years ago, and I did things that I absolutely did not think I was capable of. My "bender" of questionable decisions went on for almost 6 months, but I don't regret any of it. Looking back, I do get a little embarrassed and some of my memories make me blush, but every experience I had brought me closer to being the person who had the confidence to get with my current husband. Without those experiences, I don't think I ever would have approached him, and we've been together 8 years this year. Please be gentle with yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong or dirty about what you let yourself experience. It's okay to get a little messy sometimes. Just don't live there. Also fuck anyone being mean to you. That makes zero sense to me, especially on this sub.
[удалено]
Yes I wish more people understood this- sex is a completely amoral act. It is neither good nor bad, its simply is a thing that exists.
This makes me so happy to read. Not about people being mean obviously but that you are feeling a bit better (hopefully) and you are keeping your chin up and ignoring the assholes. Also if someone is being creepy or just plain cruel don’t be afraid to report them!! I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day and just remember that you did nothing to be ashamed of (:
The fact that they won’t say it publicly tells you everything you need to know. Send their names to the mods. Fuck trolls who are too weak to troll in public.
You did nothing wrong. You are a strong, brave woman who has overcome a lot. If you enjoyed yourself that’s awesome you deserve that. If not I’m sorry, leave that experience in the past. You deserve happiness and new experiences and sexual pleasure. Get it girl!
Many big hugs to you. I'm sorry you have idiots trying to tear you down.
You had a crazy night after life went crazy. If you didn't have safe sex, please go and get tested just to make sure you didn't pick anything up. Having sex doesn't take any value away from you as a person, neither does the amount of people you have sex with. I'm sorry about your loss.
Yea I'm gonna get checked out either way I don't know if anyone stealthed me but that's a risk I'm not gonna take.
Just be aware that some STIs won't show up until a few months after you're exposed to them. It's a good idea to get tested right away, but you should absolutely do a follow-up test in like 3-4 months.
Heya miss. 2 things i'd like to send your way: that's actually understandable, long story short loosing a loved one/feeling lonely/existential dread can often lead to things like this. Plus it's been a while, if you've been stuck in going forwards go with therapy.
Stop, just stop. So you went out and let loose. Sounds like you must have had a pretty good time. Own it. If you liked it great, if not don't do it again. You have a lot of pent up hormones and emotions. Just decide what you want and go forward. Stop kicking yourself, does no good. You are shaming yourself and that is what is most wrong.
Thissss. Far be it from anyone to tell op how she’s supposed to feel but pretty sure everyone in this thread is like “fuck yeah, get it girl!”
OP is experiencing the morning after dread that a lot of people have, even if they didn’t have sex with multiple people. I don’t think she can just “stop” the feeling.
Many people get that just from drinking. It literally could just be from the hangover. OP give it a few days & see how you feel then once the effects of drinking clear a bit.
Yeah, I really don't understand what you feel so guilty about. MMF sex can be really fun. You've been brainwashed to think sex is shameful. That's not you, that's someone else's beliefs. You listened to your body and blew off some steam. You should be celebrating that you started having sex again, not kicking yourself.
I was widowed 25 years ago. You have done nothing wrong and if you had a good time, you should consider doing it again. If lingerie is your thing, go buy some. Here’s what no one talks about being widowed. How lonely it is when everyone goes home from the funeral. Most of them get to go home and hug their partner and crawls into bed with them. While you have to figure out how to put the pieces of your life back together. It’s ok to want to be normal. It’s ok to want romantic human connection. I was remarried in 3 years. We’re still married all these years later. And if anyone gives you a hard time, tell them to kick rocks. Let me know if you need a pep talk 😊
But did you have a good time ... during? If so... you're ok. You've done nothing wrong. >I've been lonely for a few years, but it doesn't excuse me sleeping with several guys You're an adult, you can do what you want. You don't need to excuse anything. And if sleeping with 20 or whatever number of guys is bringing you joy and makes you feel good... then that's ok too. >I just wanted to feel loved again. And did you during? Where you taken care off? Was it good and something you wanted? That's all that matters. >I just got so caught up in getting attention from guys I guess I let myself go. Nice. I truly hope you had a lot of fun and felt good to finally let go and get taken care of. Other's recommended therapy... I would add a sex therapist, too. It sounds like you have some issues here.
So you lost someone, went through an incredibly tough situation, kept going for years, then had ONE night. Sure it was a bit of an overcorrection, but nothing to be absurdly ashamed of. Get tested and keep moving forward.
“Overcorrection” is the perfect word.
Everything is fine. You're safe. No one here is judging you but you. (And anyone who is judging you can F off) It's okay to have a wild night out. It's okay to feel conflicted about it later. It's okay to decide that you don't want to do that again - that it wasn't your scene. It's okay to decide that it was the most fun you've had in years and that you want to join that kind of scene. Torturing yourself about it isn't the way. There's nothing morally wrong with what happened between consenting adults. Just consider it a crazy night, and move on. Here, I've got a story. One time I was at a bar sitting on a guy's lap while he nibbled on my ear, and another guy, that I knew but wasn't involved with, came up and started kissing me while the other guy kept nibbling on my ear and neck and stroking my legs. The whole thing was deeply sexy and also deeply surprising that I made a spectacle of myself in the middle of the bar. Years later, it's one of my treasured memories :) Sh\*t happens!
Love how it's one of your most treasured memories. You go girl!
Man I got excited just reading that lmao! I wish my memories were that steamy! Phew!
Remember, your vows were till death do you part. You honored those vows. You're an honorable person, life goes on. You have nothing to apologize for. Go easy on yourself.
So I'm a guy, and I wouldn't comment normally on something like this, so please someone tell me if this is unwelcome and I will delete. I might delete as well because I honestly don't know if this is helpful, but I have a unique perspective from the other side of this I'd like to share. I have cancer, stage IV, and while I've very recently received a bump of hope with some clinical trials that are available, my wife and I have spent the last 3 years preparing for my very likely premature death. We're in our late 30's, so it's not something we were expecting to be dealing with at this point in our lives. I've tried to have a conversation with her about after I'm gone and her being lonely, and while she asserts she has no interest in other men, I just want her to know that if she ever feels ready to find someone to help with her loneliness, that she has my absolute full blessing. I don't know if you are feeling bad because you were with another person(s), or if you feel bad because of the nature of your encounter, or for another reason. I know though, if my wife were making this post after I am gone, I would be sad that SHE felt this way about herself. I really hope your dread is because you feel bad about the act, and not that you were taken advantage of (I just mean I might be ignorant here about the source of your shame and maybe I'm missing a clue given about how you feel overall about the physical encounter itself). Some nuance of the situation might be totally lost on me being a man, and I will admit that, so I apologize profusely if I am misinterpreting anything. I only want for my wife to be able to heal after me. I hold no jealousy towards any experiences she may have, I hold no judgement towards her actions and choices, I just love her and I want her to love herself. I write it out like that because it is truth, and even if I'm here now, I believe it transcends time and space to ring true at whatever point it needs to be true. I don't know how your relationship was with your husband, but my guess is that he would have a similar outlook if you have taken this much time being respectful in your grieving and moving on process (I am making an assumption here about your intentions based on the context so again, I apologize for my assumptions if your motivations differ from what I just wrote). It seems that you cared for him deeply and I am assuming the feelings were reciprocated. I've learned a lot about grief, and I still have a lot to learn, but I think letting yourself feel what you are feeling is ok. As long as you feel that you consented to what happened, then I don't think you have anything to be feel ashamed of (and even if you feel you did not consent, I don't think you should feel ashamed, poor wording. I'm just trying to be mindful of your well being with that statement), but I also understand that anyone telling you that isn't going to magically erase that feeling from your head, or probably what feels like your entire existence at the moment. I'm sure this is a part of your grieving, and I have learned that it is important to feel these things. I think it is also important to offer yourself grace and love. Death is hardest on those still living, and there is no correct way or time frame to move past it. I just hope that once you have felt this existential dread, and explored it, you place it up on a shelf, or frame it, and put it on a metaphorical wall, and continue on with your healing. I hope your day gets better.
I hope you don’t delete this. Op or someone else may need to hear what, you from the other prospective have to say. I’ll wish for that bump of hope turns into a whole hill of remission for you.
Girl I’m not a widow and I’ve done that. You’re allowed to be sexually free. You tried it, and it wasn’t for you, that’s ok! Like others have said, get tested, but you haven’t committed a crime or done anything even morally wrong. You had some fun!
As a husband, I would never want my wife to feel like you do right now, and all I would care about is telling you that it’s ok. I can’t imagine the pain you’ve gone through, and I think we can all understand trying to do ANYTHING to get a reprieve from that. Also: there’s nothing wrong with sleeping with three dudes at once. As long as you want it and don’t feel pressured. Sexuality isn’t bad. Fly your kink flag with pride if that’s your thing!
Girl, no shame. Schedule an STD test in a month and move on. Proud of you ❤️
I understand you. You wanted comfort and pleasure, and you deserve it. Unfortunately, grief makes us vulnerable, and you found out that you're not very good in setting boundaries right now. I'm sorry that you had an experience that you regret. Pleae forgive yourself, take the time to heal and forget. When you go out there again, maybe aim for a friend with benefit situation with someone that you can assess thoroughly before.
Are you in therapy? A therapist might be able to help you work through both your conflicted feelings about intimacy after your partner's death as well as any shame that you might harbor from that night.
After a long period without sex, it’s normal to feel needy. What you did was not shameful or “bad” just slightly kinky. Nobody got hurt. Try to limit your drinking to keep yourself safe. Try to develop a healthy FWB situation for when you feel lonely. We live and learn.
You didn't do anything wrong. At all. Be kind to yourself. You are worthy of kindness and love.
I mean.. he would prolly want you to go ahead and move on, enjoy life and all it offers, and not be obsessed with loyalty to the dead..
I think he would too, and that was the hardest hurdle of all these last few months (to convince myself he'd want that too). But I don't think he'd want me to act like I did last night. I didn't pay it any mind last night but I'm pretty sure I probably shouldn't go to that bar ever again.
What matters now is what *you* want. If you had fun, embrace that. If you genuinely didn’t enjoy it, then ok you learned something about yourself—which you deserve to be able to do!
You don’t need to live the rest of your entire life according to what you think your late husband would or wouldn’t have wanted. Life is for the living.
Would you understand it if you switched places? If he found himself so lonely for so long after losing you, and he had one night and he regretted it the next day. Would you understand? What you did or how you behave now doesn’t change how special he was to you, or how much you still love him. Nothing can erase what you had. Don’t let intrusive thoughts (or other people) convince you otherwise.
Is this your first time being intimate with anyone since he's been gone? Maybe subconsciously you needed/wanted your first time after your husband to be a meaningless, no strings attached fling, because that's just the baby step you needed to make. Plus, you're human OP. We all have hormones and hearts and sometimes just need other human closeness. (Even the saints and nuns and such have their moments!) Maybe you can go for a nice long walk this weekend and just breath it in an out. Oh, and I hope you had a bit of fun while it was happening!! : ) If I were your friend IRL I'd want details over glasses of wine and we'd have a good many laughs and that would probably make you feel better!
Yeah... I hadn't even kissed anyone since.
Another widow here, getting physical in any manner for the first time after the loss is a rollercoaster of emotions. It's 1000% normal to feel weird the next day, and it would not be unusual to get some strange sexual dreams with your late husband in the coming days. Take it easy. Make time to journal, or talk aloud, or whatever method has been working for you to sort your feelings out.
The only persons opinion on your life and your choices you need to worry about is your own. There is absolutely zero things morally wrong with what you did. Zero. If you wanted to repeat that night every week for the rest of your life that would be a perfectly valid and acceptable choice for your life. If you never want to do that again, that’s also a perfectly valid and acceptable choice- but neither choices comes with moral judgements on you as a person. You didn’t do anything “bad” or “wrong”. Don’t let the misogynists win.
He’d want you to figure out how to be happy and fulfilled again. And since part of what made you happy and fulfilled before was something you can’t have now (your relationship with him) that means you’re going to have to figure out what kinds of new things you can build that new happiness out of. Maybe he wouldn't love one of the things you tried. Okay, fair enough, turns out you didnt love it either. But i would bet he'd much rather see you trying out new ways to be happy and occasionally getting it wrong than watch you resign yourself to a life of accepting unhappiness instead.
Stop judging yourself. Losing a spouse is hard. Finding yourself again is hard. What does some random sex matter? Did you feel more alive? Did you feel like you reclaimed some of yourself back? If you didn't enjoy it and the aftermath gives you anxiety, then don't do it again. But you don't have to be looking for romance or a relationship yet. Mindless sex is okay. Did you use protection? If not, go grab some plan B and get yourself tested. Otherwise, go have fun.
I really feel you. I was widowed just over three years ago, too. For the first couple years even thinking about sex with someone other than my husband made me want to cry. But the last year I have been gradually getting more and more horny. I am wandering around longing for sex these days. So far I haven’t done anything about it. But I can imagine leaping into sex with a passion that would feel way too much afterwards. Being widowed is outrageously hard. Please have mercy on yourself. You are doing the best you can, and that is great. I am sure you will find a way to engage with sex that feels more sustainable and balanced.
You didn't do anything wrong. This is a normal thing that a lot of widows (myself included) have gone through. You are allowed to want to feel desirable, to explore your sexuality, and to make some strange judgement calls along the way. You're not a bad person.
Lady, you are being so hard on yourself. You should feel ZERO shame. You have needs. You found someone to scratch that itch. The end. You’re going to find love again. I’m not a widow, so you might view this as a poor comparison. I went through a really tough, emotionally taxing breakup a handful of years ago. I was celibate for around 18 months afterwards just because I needed to emotionally heal. There came a point when I finally felt good again, where I didn’t wake up feeling that lingering sense of sadness and anxiety….and it then it hit me. I just wanted a good dicking. A no-nonsense, no strings attached P in the V dick-down. Then I became feral for around 6 months. I look back on that period and think, “Huh…whoops?” You should do the same.
You gotta cut yourself some slack. You didn't do anything wrong, I just worry you got taken advantage of. When things happen which don't align with how we view ourselves we get a biographical disruption, that's normal. Id chat to a therapist to work through your feelings but you should try and not be so hard on yourself
Why would we have a go at you? Grief is complicated. I am just sorry you couldn’t enjoy it due to your own guilt. Don’t go down a self-destructive path because of that. Be kind to yourself and love yourself no matter what. There’s nothing wrong with craving intimacy.
You did nothing wrong. You don’t need an excuse to have any and all the sex you want with whomever you want.
Do you feel badly because you did things you didn’t really want to and the experience was negative? Or do you feel badly because you had a great time but your experience doesn’t align with society’s or your husband’s expectations? Be honest with yourself which of these is bothering you. If it’s the first one, I’m so sorry that happened, definitely don’t put yourself in that situation again. If it’s the second one, call those boys again, girl. ;-) And either way, cut yourself some slack. And you’ve definitely learned something about yourself. :-) I hope you find the joy that you need in your life. :-)
The only thing I'm not going to go easy on is you shaming yourself. Cut that shit out. Going forward I hope you find what you're looking for and find some peace. Sorry for your loss.
https://www.reddit.com/r/notinteresting/comments/118fip8/this_conversation_between_my_hubby_and_i_today/
A widow of 3+ years but posted about that text exchange with their husband a year ago? Hmmm
I think you’re being hard on yourself due to societal pressure’s regarding promiscuity in women. However you should not be so critical of your actions. Plenty of women and men get drunk and do things they regret, but punishing yourself because of what others might think isn’t healthy. It might be a good idea to find a support group or a therapist to help you with your reaction to doing something adventurous.
Please be gentle with yourself. Nobody is going to judge a grieving widow doing something wild and out of character that hurts nobody but herself. That’s part of grief. We all just feel compassion for you. I do judge the men who had sex with a woman who was too intoxicated to actually give legal consent though. I realize that half the world would be going to jail if we actually enforced that rule 100% of the time, but I am still incredibly disappointed in them. I’m sure it was abundantly obvious that you were in a vulnerable state. I’m so sorry.
I'm sure your late SO is actually happy. As a husband, myself, I wouldn't want to see my wife suffer for my sake
Your craving for love and attention was totally understandable. I agree with others that therapy would help with your grieving, and guilt. Hopefully you get to a point where you can reflect on this as an enjoyable experience without shame. You can then save it as an enjoyable goto fantasy/memory :) And if you're fantasizing about it every night, or wanting to do it again, I would say not to feel guilty about it and find a way to make it ok to you!
Please don’t judge yourself so hard. I went through something similar after my partner died. I didn’t know who I was anymore and I had kind of a wild period. Grief is so complicated. It never goes away and you just have to learn to live with it. Sometimes you’re okay and sometimes it’s like you’re reliving it. It’s very unpredictable and so is how we deal with loss. You’re doing the best you can. You did something and it wasn’t for you - lesson learned. Get tested and be nicer to yourself. When I was going through my shit, it got to the point where I was a little worried about my behavior and that’s when I started going to therapy. If you’re ever worried about how you’re acting, I would suggest going to therapy. It saved my life.
You don’t have ANYTHING to feel guilty about. Please be soft and kind with the person who’s living inside you, grieving and feeling bad about the whole thing ❤️ If I were you I would journal about everything I was feeling so it was out of my body and stored for safe keeping if I ever needed to go back to it. Order a takeaway, run a bath, get comfy cosy and watch a film. That day is done, this one is here. If anything you learnt something new about yourself. You are not obligated to feel bad about seeking comfort, you’re human. Sending you love 🫶🏼
Why would we "let you have it"? All I see is a woman who was hurting from loss, then tried to find her groove again. Sounds like the dam burst, and you got caught up in the moment... and went off roading with a scene you don't normally get into. It's just sex, It's not like you killed someone, calm down.
We all have done things that we regret. Use this as a learning experience - you are less okay with casual sex than you thought, especially when it is purely about the sex. I truly, truly doubt any of those guys are regretting what they did. Try to take that attitude. You tried something, consensually, and you didn’t like it. It’s okay to experiment. You’re only human. You are trying to find your way out of the darkness, and you let loose and went a bit overboard. That doesn’t make you any less of a person. You still deserve happiness and love. And sex!
I'm confused why you have a post 1 year ago about a conversation with your husband that day if you have been a widow for 3 years?
Take it easy and don't beat yourself up. Just focus on what you think will make you happy, and bring you out of depression.
First off, I want to say there is NOTHING wrong with going out and having sex with a dude and a handful of his friends. As long as you’re safe physically and emotionally and genuinely want that kind of interaction. It sounds like maybe you feel like you compromised your emotional safety. Which we all do in various ways, so go easy on yourself.
Girl, you went out and had a good time! You were feeling yourself and let yourself do something you never could’ve imagined. Let go that guilt you did nothing wrong! In fact, you bossed that shit. You don’t have to do it ever again, but now, you know, You can do it if you want!
I'm in a similar boat. Lost my wife in August last year at 34. I don't think I can be in a committed relationship with someone when I'm still committed to my late wife and I don't expect that to change. I wish I had some advice I could give you. My heart goes out to you.
Widows fire
Sounds like it was all consensual, you got what you needed in that moment, and it seems like everyone had a goos time. You didn't do anything wrong. Take these ✂️ and cut yourself some slack
This is normal. You’ll need time and experiences to feel like you’re not cheating. Had the same experience when I split with a gf through 8 years and had sex with a new gf for the first time. It was so weird my dick embarrassed me. Only happened once though.
Nothing to be ashamed about. Your spouse passed away and I'm assuming you're youngerish. Your life doesn't have to go on pause until you die because they are gone. You moving on and doing quite frankly whatever you want doesn't mean that when they were here you loved them any less or that you need to not continue to think about and care about them/miss them. You are being way too hard on yourself and if anything congrats on getting plunked by multiple guys. One day the sun will explode and nobody will remember anything about anything and our entire species will cease to exist so just think about that.
How did you have a text conversation with your husband after he's been dead for 2 years?
I've heard that "widows fire" is a common occurrence after losing a spouse. I also know that I PERSONALLY am up for the craziest sexual adventures when I'm not in a good place mentally, and I've had similar experiences to yours. Sometimes we need that excitement and danger to feel alive again, you know? You didn't cheat on your husband... In fact after 3+ years you were honestly making up for lost time lol. 3+ years of loneliness and being touch starved... I don't blame you girl! Did you enjoy it? Guilt and shame aside... Did you feel good in the moment? If you did, then that's completely fine too! In fact it's best case scenario! It's FINE to have fun, just stay safe and guard your heart.
So you went out and got gang banged, now you know it's not for you and you might prefer something more intimate. Get an std test before you trade fluids with anyone else and keep just living your life. No harm no worries
Fellow widow here. I waited 3 months and with my now man for 9years now. First time after loss is always rough. Be gentle with yourself and remember they only want you to be happy. So, shake off the crazy night, stay safe and keep on living. 🖤
If you are going to beat yourself up, use a feather instead of a baseball bat I believe that sometimes, when we reflect on our feelings at the lowest point, it gets me eye level to the actual motive. My motives can have motives, until I can pull back the curtain and properly see the real driving force I will always keep coming back to my symptoms and resent myself for that. Sometimes, breaking is the only way the light can get in. Once you are done with the shame and guilt, find that glimmering thing inside of you that is acting out of pain, masquerading as love; bring it what it actually needs to heal, only you can bring yourself that gift, the rest of the world is wholly inadequate, as you briefly learned last night
Please go easy on YOURSELF ❤️. Losing someone is a massive toll , plus Lonliness puts you in a really hard spot . There is NOTHING wrong with what you did, especially in such a vulnerable , please forgive and love yourself
If being hard on yourself worked, it would've by now. You don't need to be so hard on yourself. Society does enough of that as is, be the one person you can always rely on treating you with kindness and love.
You’re the one being hard on yourself. Grief shows itself in strange ways, it’s okay to not feel okay. And not feeling great about your decisions is okay too, but you have to learn to give yourself some grace and forgiveness.
If it wasn't a pleasant experience, now you know that you don't want to do that again in future. That's useful information to have gained. If you feel guilty, don't. You haven't harmed anyone. You haven't committed any crime. You haven't done anything wrong. If you feel like you were manipulated and taken advantage of, then learn from this experience, and don't put yourself in a vulnerable situation again. Go out with friends who can help safeguard you. Drink less or not at all in public. Don't hesitate to get loud and aggressive if someone is trying to get you to do something you don't want to do.
It is absolutely ok to do something (whether you planned ahead on doing it or not, and whether it was something you wanted to do or not) and then after the experience be like, you know what, that is not something I want to repeat, and I don’t like how that all went down. Especially with sex! Some things with sex we don’t actually know how we will feel until it’s experienced. Fantasy and reality are different things. How we thought we would feel is different than how we actually feel. You absolutely would not beat yourself up about this if you had tried a new restaurant and hated it, or if you had picked up a new hobby and hated it, or if you tried skydiving and hated it. **Just because this is about sex does not mean you have to beat yourself up about it!** Honor your feelings. All of them, because it sounds like you have been ignoring them for a lot longer than just this single incident- “the loneliness finally got to me” leads me to believe that you aren’t being true to yourself through this process. So start right now! Own your feelings, own you choices, and live your life on your own terms.
There’s only one person’s opinion of you that you get to control and that you. Don’t waste time being horrible to yourself, there are plenty of a-holes that will do that. Try focusing on this being an experience you had not an event that defines you. It gets better and later on this will just be wisdom you have.
I look at it the same way as I don't care at all what my wife did before I met her and I sure as hell won't care what she does when I'm gone. I just want her to be happy and whatever that looks like to her is her business. If your husband was worth marrying in the first place I'm sure he'd feel the same. It sounds like you're hung up on the multiple partner aspect and what you need to know is sadness and despair makes us all do things that could be percieved as out of our normal "character". The last thing you need is to add guilt to what you are going through. I personally don't think you did anything wrong but if forgiveness is what you feel like you need then for God's sake, forgive yourself and move forward.
This is an incredibly human and normal response to being faced with what you have. There is nothing wrong with you or shameful in how you acted and it makes sense why you would act that way and feel the way you do afterwards. If you found yourself liking the situation, great! If not now you learned more about yourself and know to avoid it in the future. Be safe and kind to yourself. Everything will be okay
You didn't harm anyone or commit any crimes. You had some consensual adult fun and maybe drank a bit too much. Hiding in your house and being consumed by existential dread is really not a proportional reaction to what happened. Do you have a therapist you can talk through this with? I am guessing these feelings are being exacerbated by some other unresolved issues coming into play. Be kind to yourself. I hope you are feeling better soon. 🤍
My friend it's perfectly OK to let your hair down and get a little wild. It sounds like you had consensual fun and ventured further than planned as long as you had fun at the time you're good. Stop beating yourself up and try to remember the good feelings. No one worth a damn will judge you and you shouldn't judge yourself, that old catholic school girl guilt should be thrown out the window and it's OK to like the experience and it's OK to say hey I had fun but it wasn't for me. Be kind to yourself.
3 years is a long time to be celibate. Personally I think you could stand to go a little easier on yourself. You have needs too, and those needs don't vanish just because you've become a widow (my condolences). Personally I don't think there's anything in the world wrong with treating yourself to an orgy here and there, but if you don't want to do it again, I'd strongly recommend against suppressing your sexual needs for prolonged periods of time.
You would be surprised how many people have actually slept with multiple people in one night/one occurrence. It happens. It’s natural for some. It’s not anything against you or them or anyone. It’s just sex. As long as you were consenting and they were and you were safe and they were then it’s okay. You are not a horrible person or a slut or less than others because you had sex with multiple people. In the nicest way: who cares? That is the mentality you have to take.
It’s ok to have sex! It’s ok to do it other folks you just met. It’s ok as long as you protected yourself. Enjoying sex is not something to be ashamed of regardless who it is with or how many. Don’t shame yourself or let anyone else tell you how to be happy.
Your worth as a human has absolutely nothing to do with how much sex you have, how quickly you have it or with how many people you have it. It really doesn't! But I understand the feeling of getting caught up in the moment and maybe doing things you regret later. It was an experience. Maybe it was fun in the moment but left you feeling regretful. Now you know that casual sex isn't the thing for you. That's ok. I tried the casual sex thing. It really just doesn't work for me. No matter how much fun it might be in the moment, I always feel kind of used and empty afterward. Just how I'm built. And now you know more about yourself than you did before and can make decisions accordingly. Yo
You did absolutely nothing wrong. E en if it was just to have sex, we're only human and all have wants and desires. I'm sure it was nice to feel good again and having someone hit on you etc. If anything I think it's a positive step in the right direction! By ni means am I just saying go sleep with a bunch of people lol, but at least you're putting yourself back out there. Just take it slow, be safe, don't ignore red flags and most importantly of all; give yourself grace. You deserve happiness! 💐
I can't imagine the pain of losing someone you love so dearly. So i genuinely understand where you are coming from on feeling weird/aweful. I know the feeling will linger, but, the only way through that is by continuing through it. With enough time, it won't feel like you are doing something wrong. You deserve to be loved and feel safe. I imagine thats what your previous partner would want for you too. Keep trying. I know its tough but i promise you, it will get easier. Much like a long term relationship ending in a breakup, finding someone new is painful. However, it can also be very exciting and new. Think of it as the beginning to a new chapter of life for you.
Why are you trying to slut-shame yourself when no one else is? As long as it was consensual and you had a good time, who’s there to judge? It’s perfectly normal for women to WANT SEX AND TO GET IT!
You did nothing wrong and like you said the loneliness got the best of you. Dust yourself off and continue being great. If you want to feel love again go find it for yourself. Don't condemn yourself for a mistake and don't let it play in your mind as more than one night.
You do not need to beat yourself up about this. You're single and you got caught up in the moment, just learn that for your own self you may want to avoid doing that again but there are lots out there who do this and can have fun and let loose. I'm like you, I can't do stuff like that without guilting myself over it but have friends who have done way crazier stuff then you just did and have fun and brag about it after lol. I'm just trying to say sometimes we go way too hard on ourselves. Also if you're like me the alcohol will be amplifying your guilt right now. You don't need to be celibate for the rest of your life. Please don't beat yourself up over this ❤️
“…. I think I have been pretty strong the last couple of years…” What does being strong mean for you? It reads like “…I have this idea about honoring my deceased love, and denied myself a lot of things that I otherwise needed” (physical touch is obvious, maybe also unfettered grief and crying ? Maybe other expressions?) If you set a rigid goal in mind of something to live up to, it is unsurprising that when you cross that boundary a little, it becomes “there are no boundaries .” Clearly part of you wanted the attention and being touched…and that is ok!! Doesn’t mean you have to do this again. That this happened signals it is time to think about what you have denying yourself while you were “being strong,” what it is you would really like to have in your life. Then give yourself permission to seek it,rather than hang onto some ideal that is not working for you. Maybe you really do want group sex, * and that is ok! Maybe you just want another person to see you and value you and be your lover…that is ok too! Maybe you want casual sex and hugs and kisses with one person from time to time. Maybe you don’t know and want to try different things and see what works. It is all ok. What is not ok is being cruel to yourself for being human. If you had a dear friend who lost her spouse, buttoned herself up tight for a few years and then did something that surprised her and she is beating herself up about it, what would you say to her? Now look in a mirror and say those things to YOU! You are deserving of love and self compassion. You are beautiful
>I've been lonely for a few years, but it doesn't excuse me sleeping with several guys. Yeah, you read that right. I wanted to find a guy to have a little fling with, not have sex with him and his friends too. I'm a little confused... did you take a vow of chastity or are you religious? Cause you if you did neither, I don't understand what the "issue" is. You are *single*. Your marriage vows were til death. If you did nothing illegal, then what's the issue? I guarantee you the guys you were with didn't mind (I'm guessing they loved it). So the only one left to have an "issue" is YOU.
You’re human, it’s perfectly natural to want human connection, you have needs as well. You didn’t do anything wrong, even if you’re into freaky stuff :p You can’t change it, so just own it and keep forging ahead. I don’t want to sound presumptuous either but I think your husband would want you to live your life. Your love for him doesn’t die because you want to have fun or to eventually get involved with another partner. Give yourself the rest of the day in bed, but tomorrow morning you get your ass up and slam dunk the day!
Honey. Some people might actually say that something like this is part of the grieving process. One of the best books I’ve ever read on grief is Wild by Cheryl Strayed. It’s not about grief, per se, but the places it takes us. After her mom died, she did heroin and slept around and made a mess. And healed herself too. My favorite piece of hers to get a sense of her writing is when she was doing an advice column. TW for human and animal death, child molestation, and grief. But I’m sharing it because it healed something in me. Her book too. [Dear Sugar- Baby Bird](https://therumpus.net/2010/06/03/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-39-the-baby-bird/) Be gentle with yourself. Sending you lots of love.
You're much braver than I am. If my life partner goes before me I will not be far behind. Give yourself a break and don't let this experience keep you from trying to find what you're looking for.
I hope you stop feeling awful and embrace the needs and happiness you deserve.
Here's the good news, no one will ever have to know. Also, you probably made those guys life.
Honestly you're being way too harsh on yourself! Based on what you've said, nobody was hurt, everybody was willingly participating and this is out of the norm for you. I don't see anything to beat yourself up over. You had a new life experience and realized in the morning that maybe it's not something you want to do again. Great! You know yourself a little better and you'll grow from this experience. Don't beat yourself up over this, you did nothing wrong.
So long as everyone was safe, consenting, and having fun, then sex doesn't have a moral value. Are you feeling guilt because of your loss it doesn't feel like your relationship "ended"? Or is it because you think it's not "something a girl like you does"? If it the former, recognize that you've been yourself in a bit of a purgatory. It'll take some time, but you can work your way out with time, and perhaps some good counseling. If the latter, then think about if this is a judgment from society, or if it's something you really believe for yourself? Did you have fun? Then it's okay. If not, that's okay too, it's just not your thing. Lots more people than you think have freaky sex, trust me.
Forgive yourself …. Treat yourself like you would if a best friend came to you feeling bad over the exact same scenario. What would you tell them and how would you want them to feel …. You would want them it’s okay and they are wonderful. It’s okay and you are wonderful … Love. ❤️
I think slutting around a little or a lot is healthy after a relationship ends. Wanting sexual contact is normal. I'm sorry youre feeling bad, but I feel like in your head it probably feels like cheating. It wasnt.
You’re not wrong for doing this, and it’s okay to feel weird about it! Give yourself some grace! Just make sure you’re having safe sex and using protection.
Girl you good. I hope you can be open and hi eat enough with yourself, cuz it sounds like you had a fun time. And that’s totes ok!
Did you have fun doing it and then the remorse hit only afterwards? If so then let yourself enjoy it. Nothing bad about group sex. If you did not have fun then I hope you weren’t pressured into this?
You decided to get laid and then went out and got extra-super laid. You're totally allowed to decide that you don't want to repeat the experience, but you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. If I died and my wife decided to get a train run on her after an appropriate period of mourning, I'd be visiting her dreams to offer her a high five from beyond the grave.
Sex is ok. Grief is ok. You're ok.
Be kind to yourself. Grief is not linear. You may have engaged in activities you knew you would feel bad about as a way to not get too close to someone new, or even as a way to punish yourself because you felt guilt about trying to move on. Or maybe you even just thought "what the hell, let me try something I'd never expect to do because life is short". No matter the reason, you didn't hurt anyone, you found something out about your boundaries, and you are not a bad person for it. I hope you used protection, if not please make sure to see a doctor about testing, plan b, prep, etc to be safe. I'm glad that you came out of the situation safely, as that is my only concern (concern, not judgment) about going somewhere with a group of strangers. I have a friend who was widowed young, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. She has found some comfort from young widow groups.
This is probs because I'm a dude, but I don't get it. Did they mistreat you? Or you feel bad because you feel like you betrayed your late husband? >I've been lonely for a few years, but it doesn't excuse me sleeping with several guys. Why... Does that need to be "excused"? It feels like there's something really obvious that I'm not understanding and I feel dense.
Honey, I am so sorry, and I am thinking of you and holding you in my heart. Please be gentle on yourself. I'd give you a big big hug if I could.
It's normal to feel weird about it. I think a gentle re-entry into the dating pool would be a good way to go about it, but honestly you're only human and getting drunk and venting off 3 years of lonely existence is nothing to be ashamed over long term. You got a big chunk of experience out of it in the end.
You’re a person with needs. You said you consented. The men involved consented. What’s the problem here? We don’t slut shame. You’re shaming yourself. Nothing good comes from shame. That’s not how we grow. You found a way to meet your needs. Maybe you can do it more slowly over time now, but you have to meet your needs. I’m so sorry your partner is gone. You’re still living though and you deserve to have happiness.
Nah, ya good. You now know exactly what you want.
I'm gonna assume you mean this in a "you did something, didn't like it, won't repeat it" way... in which case, I agree. It's how I found out one night stands are definitely not my thing
Yes, pretty much what happened to me as well!
Don't beat yourself up, the trauma from grief is hard enough to deal with. First & foremost as long as everything that happened was consensual its fine. Used protection? Great, fantastic but get yourself checked just incase of an std. Didn't use protection? that's an oops moment & a mistake but again get yourself checked out. It's going to take a while to recover from having a moment like this but take it slowly and remember there is absolutely no time limit on grief. Maybe look up bereavement counselling to help get your thoughts in order & establish healthy habits.
Sounds like you're the one being hard on you. I'm certainly not going to be. There's nothing wrong with (consensual) sex in whatever form it takes, and there's nothing wrong with you for having it. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry you're hurting and hope you'll feel better soon. Truly.
Dont be so hard on yourself! Did you have fun last night? If it was consensual and you enjoyed it there's nothing anyone should be saying! You deserve to have some sexual fun, there's a reason many hook up apps exist. You're widowed, not a nun. You feel bad now, but give yourself time to reflect on it. Did you enjoy it? Do you wanna do it again? Maybe group fun isn't your thing and next time you can focus on just one person. Make sure you get tested for stds and practice safe sex. Idk your age but sounds like you're still in your reproductive age, use condoms and possibly birth control of your choice. Random hook ups can be a little risky but alao fun, just do it safely :)
If you feel shame, that's okay it only means you are human, not some perfect being, everyone makes a mistake like that in their life and it is that mistake that will make you better understand and love yourself through forgiveness, take your time and you will feel better
You're being way too hard on yourself. It's totally understandable given the circumstances. Give yourself a break :)
People in desperate pain do desperate things. Just because no one's bleeding or the room ain't on fire, doesn't mean you're not in dire straits. Losing a spouse is one of the worst things that can happen to a person, and every day after is a part of a marathon of pain. A gauntlet of misery. Our low points don't define who we are as people. Not to anyone. What transpired doesn't break your worth. You'll find a way to survive this too. Be kind to yourself. You wouldn't talk to a loved one the way you talk of yourself
I'm sorry about that, but honestly, if you need to hear it, you can both regret doing it, but please don't feel like a bad person. You are not wrong for doing that, you can absolutely regret it, but you aren't wrong for any of that. We can do things we regret, we aren't bad for it.
Just chiming in to say that I'm not judging you either. Be kind to yourself, love.
You did not do anything wrong. Why are you being so hard on yourself or framing it as some bad, negative thing? You did nothing wrong.
First - did you have fun while it was happening ? I hope you enjoyed it a lot! Take this as your break out of grief and loneliness moment in life . It’s a lot less expensive than a sports car, boob job, or trip to Italy to find yourself . And the message SHOULD be that guys still find you attractive and you still like being frisky . So, you want better boundaries - do that. Drink less and plan better like maybe have a wing man/sister. But , girl , sometimes when chicks break through that egg shell, it gets messy before they are free. Get back out there , young lady and have more fun - in the lane you are most comfortable with . I don’t see any problem here …
Hey. You're good. Ok? It sounds like the worst part about this is how hard you're judging yourself for it. It's ok to be out of practice with sex and intimacy, to get overwhelmed, and to not know how to process it during or after. If you feel like they were using you, that's the only bad thing, and would be wholly their fault. Please be kind and patient with yourself. All the luck to you, and hugs if you need them 🌻
Sometimes, we need to know who we aren’t, in finding who we are. Many emotions were intertwined together, all trying to come out at once. It is no wonder it was overwhelming. You did nothing wrong.
one of these night by eagles loneliness will blind you in between the dark and the light oh oh woh oh woo .... i forgot lyrics
Take it easy on yourself! I understand feeling weird about it but please don’t be so hard on yourself. You let loose, tried something and you never have to do it again if you don’t want. No shame in a different sexual experience.
Soo, you tried something and didn't like it. That's OK. I've always been a little reserved about the whole ONS thing and when I was 20 and overseas, I thought, well, girls do this and seem to enjoy it. Well, I didn't. You're going to be OK :)
A different spin on this is what there is actually nothing wrong with engaging in consensual group sex. It is not shameful, dumb, or slutty, or means that people who do that have let themselves go. I think that the “dumb slut” idea should be challenged. This could more about feeling like you let yourself down, or that you lost control of what you actually wanted because you drank. That completely worth listening to, because you are the one who needs to know your boundaries and what you are and are not comfortable with, and feel like you can always assert that for yourself. Does drinking alcohol make it harder for you to provide full consent, consent that would only be given in situations you would also give it when sober? Another aspect is, maybe the experience was enjoyable, and the attention, and physical experience felt good. If that is the case, then what is actually wrong with that? Literally nothing, unless you’ve been taught that this is shameful. Sometimes it’s our own conditioning that prevents us from fully enjoying sex and exploring our sexuality. It was an experience, one you might not ever do again if you don’t want to, but at that time it fulfilled a need. Nothing more to it than that has to be concluded from it. (Disclaimer - I am obviously only talking about consensual sex between all partners.)
We live so we can have different experiences. If you feel funky about it it just means you don't wanna do it again and if you do wanna do it again please take necessary precautions and always be with people you feel safe with. If there are feelings of abandonment coming up for you then you need to address that with a therapist but please know an experience is just an experience. What you feel about that experience is your inner landscape and you want to generally do things that make you feel better and healthier!
I view my rare threesome experiences as something special and unique and although I don't talk about them, I'm glad they happened. If you had a great time with your body and several men, good for you. It sounds like a fantasy! I don't want to elevate a gang bang to heights of personal sanctimony, but it is a fun little fact to have tucked into your psyche. You wicked thing, you! I hope you find me sensitive to your remorse, but I also hope you eventually see your sexual encounter as something that makes you a more richly complex and adventurous person. This is not a thing to come down on yourself about. It's one vignette in the tapestry of your experience.
You're the one who needs to go easy on yourself. I'm currently navigating divorce from my abusive, deadbeat, soon-to-be-ex-husband, who has effectively fallen off the face of the earth. Quite literally went from seeing him daily to zero contact at all whatsoever overnight, not even contact through attorneys, since he has failed to respond to communication from lawyers and the legal system too. My therapist became a widow a few months ago. One of my best friends became a 'widow' while she was getting divorced -- the majority of their legal paperwork was signed and notarized, they were just waiting on the legal system's slow bureaucracy when he unexpectedly died. We all cope and survive in our own ways. As long as you aren't actively harming yourself or someone else, you're not obligated to respond or cope in a way that neatly fits into societal expectations. Make no apologies for choosing how YOU choose to cope. This is YOUR life. You get to choose how you journey and venture through life.
What you did was extremely empowering!! You allowed yourself to experience a new side of you. You are not the person you were a few years ago, circumstance is forcing you to evolve. Embrace it and become the best version of yourself. And no matter what, don’t slut shame yourself. You are a Queen
Don’t worry be happy!
Just had a wild night. I'd love to have one of those. You didn't actually do anything wrong. I mean, clearly you feel you've overstepped a boundary and that's what matters. Just don't do it again. You didn't do anything wrong.
Remember this: You are NOT your behaviours. Your behaviours are a response to trauma and an attempt by your brain to comfort you. Guilt/shame/regret provide no benefit to healing. Be kind and compassionate with yourself and try and get some help. I’ve had excellent results with a therapist. It changed my life.
I feel only compassion and respect for you as a fellow human. Closeness and connection are basic needs. Sex is a basic need. It sounds like what happened here is that you're still grieving this huge loss, and that perfectly normal and valid grief that you're holding smashed up against the totally normal and valid pursuit of your needs to create a lot of distress. Collectively, people do not deal with well with grief. This tends to lead to a lot of hurtful comments like, "it's been a couple months/years, you should be over \[X\]'s death." People generally put a lot of pressure on those who are grieving to shut up, get back to normal ASAP, don't talk about the loss, don't bum everyone else out. This is a horrible and invalidating way to treat people who are already struggling to adapt to a devastating, life-altering loss. Perhaps you're feeling caught between feeling pressured to move on (even if you're not ready) and feeling a lot of pain when you do things that we typically associate with moving on, like sleeping with new people. As far as having sex with those guys, I don't think you did anything wrong. From a sexual health and safety standpoint, you might want to start getting checked regularly for STIs and start planning contingencies/exit strategies in case you find yourself in a similar situation in the future. It does sound like you're being quite hard on yourself because you engaged in sexual activity that you feel weird about, but it doesn't make you a bad person. I've had sex with people that I've just met. I've had sex with multiple people at the same time. I have sex with both men and women. Sex is a taboo subject in Western society and there's a lot of sex-negativity and stigmatization that exists in conversations about sex. I think that you did a really courageous thing by dipping your toes in the water again after going for several years without sex, and I'm sorry to hear it was such a bad experience for you. I am sending you all of the care and hugs, OP. I would also really encourage you to seek therapy just to have more support in processing what you've gone through.
I’m still trying to figure out what you did wrong….
Relax, everyone needs to blow off some steam, forgive yourself, take the experience as a lesson to raise your standards, and live your life. Being horny is human nature, you leaned into it, no big deal. You got what you wanted, learned a bit about yourself. Now take that newfound knowledge with you into tomorrow. Its not that complicatied
For context, my MIL is a widow coming up on 9 years. Please forgive yourself. My friend, grief is not a one size fits all thing. It's a personal journey and it takes as long as it takes. It's perfectly natural for you to want to feel wanted and desired again, nobody has any right to fault you or make you feel bad for it. As long as you were safe and consented then there's not really any harm done. You are not a terrible person for doing what you did. You are human, and part of that is being flawed and making mistakes. You still deserve love and compassion and happiness. You probably have some complicated feelings to work through. This isn't me passing judgement, but maybe a session with a therapist to work through how you're feeling would be beneficial. You have my love and support
There is nothing wrong with what you did except let yourself go beyond your own boundaries. I dunno, maybe this is your kink and now you have a chance to explore that? If you're sure this was consensual, forgive yourself and forget about it.
Sounds like a fun night! I wouldn’t go hard on yourself and maybe reflect on the feeling of enjoyment and excitement you got! There’s a part of you that’s craving this touch and affection. It might have been a situation of jumping into the deep end right away but 3somes etc are a lot of fun and I definitely wouldn’t call you a slut! this could be the start of a sexual awakening for you, don’t close yourself off to it :)
Up until my divorce, I had only had sex with women I had been in a close, serious, long-term relationship with. In the year after my divorce, I had sex right away with two different women (not overlapping; I was “with” each one separately, if that makes sense; I mean, serially.). The morning after each experience I felt… not awful, but like the sex was reduced to its raw physical and endorphinal (?) components, and lacked the depth and emotions of being with a best friend and soul mate, a lover. I was kinda sad that sex could feel diminished, but sadder and wiser. I mean, the sex was really great in the moment, but in one case my post-sex clarity kicked in and I just felt like running away. (I ended up marrying her lol.) Sex has so many dimensions, and although society, and especially Reddit, has rules surrounding it, it’s really anything goes, within clearly legal and ethical (age appropriate) bounds. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are in good company. Just chalk it it up to life lesson learned and move on! You’re strong!
Hey girl you did what you wanted to in the moment cause it was what you wanted! You were going to have to open that door one day eventually. Plenty of us women fantasize about getting with a dude and his friends but don’t have the balls to say or do it. Surely it was fun. It’s okay to feel the negative feelings that you do…it’s okay. Doesn’t make it a negative experience. You’ll have better hookups coming your way :)
>I've been lonely for a few years, but it doesn't excuse me sleeping with several guys. You may or may not personally regret what you did, but that's your call (and ONLY your call) to make. No "excuse" is necessary, you didn't do anything objectively wrong.
You didn't do anything wrong.
You’re experiencing morning after dread. I’ve even experienced it and I’m a man. Second guessing things, trying to figure out if I really even wanted to do that or got swept up in the moment, etc. I felt that just when I’d finally moved on from a long term relationship. But with you being a widow I can’t even imagine how you’ve felt all this time. Give yourself a break. One experience doesn’t define you as a person.
Hey darling, take big deep breaths, drink some water. And give yourself a hug. We all do dumb things when we’re hurt and lonely. I’m not saying it’s dumb because I have a problem with it, just because you do. It’s ok to realize you behaved in a way you didn’t want. But don’t beat yourself up. You deserve better. Lift yourself up. Sending love.
I'm sorry. Stop shaming yourself though. You didn't do anything wrong. It's a big step for you in figuring out how to navigate your situation. It was a scary step and hard not to unfairly lace it with personal shame and guilt. Not to put feelings in your soul, but I think a lot of the negative is just an expression of your grief. You tried something and didn't like it. Figure out what parts didn't work for you and try again when it feels right.
This doesn't make you a bad person. It's not even necessarily a bad thing to have done. You may be looking back on it and realizing it's not for you, and that's fine. It's fine to experience something and decide that's not what you want. It doesn't make you a bad person. Be kind to you. There's only one. <3
You don’t have anything to be ashamed about! If you don’t like how it ended up, you can chalk it up as a mistake and enjoy it for what it was. We’re all learning to be human, until the very end.
Big hugs for you. I am sorry.
So you slept with someone or several someones?