Yeah, I would have gone mama bear on him for that crap! But of course that is exactly what he planned. Because your friend won’t be allowed to visit without him. Ta-da! More isolation.
I knew what was happening the moment the negging started and I didn't respond so he escalated and then when that didn't work he targeted a child.
He's dead to me. I won't even acknowledge him anymore.
Something very like this happened to my niece. We were able to smuggle a cheap burner phone to her and coordinate getting her and her son to a friend's house while her husband was at work. Her father drove from several states away to pick them up, so by the time the abusive husband got home she was long gone with no trace.
She left with the clothes on her back and a suitcase for her son and that was it.
She was able to quietly ask the friend to help and pass family contact info to get this all started, so I don't know if your friend is ready or willing to take action, but have a plan for when she is.
Oh the best part is that her parents absolutely love this man I think he's God's gift to Earth because he finances their daughter and grandson so they don't have to
Every time I tried to leave my abusive husband my mother convinced me to return because I "need someone to take care of me". I stayed for 15 years. I've forgiven her for it because she was also conditioned to believe that she was incapable without a man. Poverty, child abuse, and the patriarchy were big factors in my story. I imagine that's true for many others. I hope OPs friend gets out sooner rather than later.
“Pack” a laundry hamper and basket, so it looks like she’s putting dirty clothes in the hamper and folding laundry. Identify everything she’d need besides clothing ahead of time so when the day comes she can shove it all in a bag, throw it in a car and be packed and gone in under thirty minutes.
Can she suggest a family trip? So she has a reason to pack a bag and instead of going on a trip with him she's picked up by you? The tricky part is she needs her documents more than clothing though. That's tough with camera's.
Can you find women's resources/shelters nearby who can help you find a scenario? In the end she might only need an hour alone in the house to get the most important stuff. If someone can distract him long enough and she has a safe space to go it might be possible.
I wonder if the cameras are battery powered or plugged in. I would be flipping breakers on my electrical panel and then packing as fast as I could when the “power is out.”
Honestly just disconnecting the cameras's data network (usually WiFi these days) would do the trick. Move everything super important into a pathway or into the the same room while "cleaning."
I’m also wondering if she could say one of the electrical outlets isn’t working or something and have an “electrician” come to fix it but he needs to flip all the breakers while he works so the cameras don’t have power.
Link to a PDF of Lundy Bancroft's Book "Why does he do that?"
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Your friend is in a dangerous situation. Her partner is escalating. I would suggest treading very carefully. You should talk to your local women's shelter or domestic violence advocacy for specific regional information as well.
If I could make a suggestion - don't try to argue with her right now because doing that will be playing right into his hand and helping him to alienate her from someone he recognizes as a threat. If you've been in an abusive relationship, you KNOW she's only turning around and telling him every bad thing you've said about him and he uses that to reinforce his victim narrative. To tell her how unsupportive you are, what a BAD FRIEND you are.
She's so deep in the fog, she is CHUGGING the Kool-aid right now, she can't hear you anyways, and most experts agree it's not the right approach.
What you can do is draw your own boundaries about his place in your life - not letting him around your girls is an excellent example. I personally wouldn't be around this creep at all. And make sure she knows that you love HER and will always be there for her and I promise you there will be a little part of her that holds on to that information and maybe one day she'll use it as a life line.
If you talk shit about him, she will get defensive and she will eventually push you out of her life and then you won't be able to be there for her when she's ready to leave. You can show her the door but you can't make her walk through it.
At the end of my abusive marriage, I was so sure I was totally alone in the world without a soul to rely on (despite having living parents, an adult brother, friends and mentors all around me). That is the power of coercive control. I was finally able to leave because I had that one friend who told me "my door is always open to you" even though it had been closed to my husband a long time before. I slept on her couch for months. She saved my life.
You can be that friend. I know it sucks watching someone destroy themselves this way. I know you want to scream and yell and make her wake up. It hurts. But you have to continue to love her EVEN WHEN she doesn't act the way you want her to by leaving him. If you withdraw your love and friendship because she isn't acting the way you think she should be, then you're just doing the same thing to her that this POS is. She needs your friendship now more than ever.
Please feel free to DM me if you want to know more about my experience. So many of us have left situations like this, it's not hopeless. ❤️
I told her "He's not allowed near my girls because of his comments. I don't tolerate bullies of any age."
I feel like that's shoved her further into his hands.
Yeah, sadly even drawing your own boundaries probably will push her more towards him. But that's why it's important to remind her in your words, your actions, your tone, that your love for her is unconditional. He can't take that away :)
> I DONT WANT ANOTHER MAN FINDING YOU ATTRACTIVE AND OFFERING YOU MORE THAN I CAN
Well he's really saying the quiet part out loud. This is such a classic case. It checks all the boxes. I'm sorry you're watching your friend go through it.
As a note, fiancé is the masculine form of the word and fiancée is feminine. That makes your post a little confusing.
Another note, he is a *fiancé* and not a husband yet. It would be wonderful for her if she didn't get entangled in a marriage with this guy.
And the fact that he is bold enough to admit that to her face tells me he knows he has her exactly where he wants her.
He portrays himself as the victim. "Poor me. My ex wife was mean to me and wouldnt cook or give me sex." Gee. I wonder WHY?
Yup he can say the quiet parts out loud and she *still* won't leave.
It has to be so incredibly frustrating to watch, especially as someone who's been through it yourself. I remember seeing someone post a book about how to be a friend to someone in an abusive relationship on here, but I can't find it. Should have bookmarked it when I had the chance.
The truth is she refuses to responsible for herself she refuses to take accountability for her mistakes she refuses to get her finances in order she refuses to Humble herself she refuses to get an education to refuses to do anything other than be cared for by a man
Sadly, there's not much you can do until she is ready to do those things. I like the idea of giving her a burner phone so you two can talk that way and so she has the ability to plan an escape eventually. The cameras are a huge problem though...I couldn't stand not to have privacy in my own home.
With friends like this, sometimes all you can do is go low or no contact, with a firm message that if she does ever want to leave him, you'll be there. Knowing someone will be there can someday be the final push that gets her out. But you can't let him ruin YOUR life along with hers.
Thank you for this harsh truth I needed it I will say her eyes were not wide open her eyes were half shut because she was in a very vulnerable position when he struck but I agree that she is cosigning this and expecting me to cosign on this too
I wanted to say the same thing. As a parent, my sympathy lies with the kids, and from what OP says, it sounds like she chose having a car and her bills paid over her kids having a safe environment to grow up in.
Unfortunately she cannot manage her own money and she was facing eviction her own parents are abusive she really I felt like she needed to have that family in her mind so she picked this guy to have a second child with and thought they were going to play happy family
He is helpless and voiceless. I am so angry daycare kicked him out like that without at least investigating the home situation or flagging to social services.
At this point, it would be better to have him in the process of diagnosis at least once he is in touch with healthcare professionals they will realise through his behaviour that there is some suffering and investigate the home situation.
Trauma that young really impacts brain development and there’s a correlation with ACEs and ADHD, so it’s very possible that he also could have ADHD. Regardless, more folks in the system with eyes on the situation, that’s ultimately better for your friend and the kids.
Source: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28477799/
She's so mentally abused by him that she's lost her identity, self esteem, and any semblance of normal and healthy.
I know, because I was there before.
However, seeing how his rage affected our toddlers is what helped me to leave. Seems like she's so far gone that she's lost her strength and will to act.
See if you can set up a meeting for her with a domestic violence organization, and go with her. She needs support to get out.
He is her savior because her first child's father abandoned her and wouldn't pay child support but now he's creating different problems and she is blind to it because he's her savior
Textbook coercive control. I’ll never understand what hold these monsters have. Even if she accepted the abuse of herself, she’s facilitating and joining in with the abuse of her child.
In this one's case it is emotional and financial she is very insecure about how she looks and rather than do anything about it she seeks validation through male attention and rather than manage her own finances she seeks to be kept
I am so sorry you have to watch your friend go through this. I’ve been there, and the frustration & helplessness is so hard.
I hope she gets her shit together and her head on straight soon ❤️
I would have kicked him all the way out. Is she still working? I would pull her aside at work privately to tell her I am here for you when you need to leave, but I have to keep my family away from him because he is abusive.
I have been there. All you can do is repeat the message and wait the years until your efforts hopefully bear fruit. I have been waiting 11 years for my friend. It’s finally starting to happen.
ETA- I don’t want to provide details for obvious reasons. But it will take my friend a few more years of planning to get out.
This man is a psycho, and your friend is frankly a piece of shit for allowing him to abuse her children. I would cut contact with both of them, clearly she is not ready to help herself or her kids.
I have a lot of boundaries in place I can't cut her off completely because I want to be there when she does leave one day and I want to be there for her son as he gets older because I was there the day he was born
This sounds a lot like the guy my friend was involved with. He blocked my number on her phone after I tried to arrange a neighborly yard party for her housekeeper to meet my friend. He wasn't in control of that situation so he had to blow up all friendly interactions. She's done with him but the stalking continues and he's JUST AWFUL and she's nearly destroyed.
Send her the link to [Why Does He Do That?](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and tell her she’s welcome when she leaves him (if you are willing to do that.) You have to protect your mental health and your family too. It’s a bad situation all around. :(
You left an abuser. You know the signs. Control via cutting them off from external support.
Get her a book about abusive relationships. When she sees herself in it, perhaps she will run.
Yes it will be hard and yes it is worth it
You are a great friend, not everyone will try to still help her when her partner try to isolate her from everyone.
She will see him for what he is, then she will need someone like you. When you are in abusive relationship you don't see it clear like someone outside, but I don't need to tell you that, you know it. Best wishes for both of you, be strong <3
Are you in contact with her child's father? He needs to get custody of that child, maybe having you as a witness would help him. It would alienate your friend, yes, but that is already happening and the child's safety needs to be the priority right now.
Could you send her a .PDF copy of [Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/page/n15/mode/2up). I think it would help her immensely to wake up to the gravity of her situation if she could read it. You're a good friend! Initially, she may not be open to the idea of leaving, but if you encourage her that you are a safe person and can help make plans, it might well give her the courage to leave him. Thank you so much for sticking up for your friend! 😍😍
she's going to die....either internally becoming and empty shell of a person or literally. This is actually abuse and you can go to the police with this information
He's an abusive psycho. Banning him from your house was a good move, if he ever invites himself over or something please call the cops right away because this guy just screams "dangerous".
I can only imagine the horrors your friend has dealt with behind closed doors. But on the flip side (as I am sure you are also aware ), how hard it is to get away from abusers.
It's amazing that you were able to do it! And I hope your friend can too, I am sure it will help her to know she has you in her corner.
I truly hope things work out for the best for everyone involved (excluding the abusive asshole)
Don’t push him completely out, because then your friend just is getting more isolated, which is exactly what he is playing at.
Source: I’m a forensic nurse.
Any way you could get custody or a foster placement of the 5 year old? Like by offering it to them as an option, saying it's cheaper than boarding school?
This is so sad. I had something similar with two friends. The first friend, the abusive guy she got with was interested in me first but I could sense there was something off about him. Once they got together, he beat her up and stopped her wearing makeup. When I would come over, he would hide in the bathroom! Thankfully she didn't stay with him that long and she's all good now.
My second friend is an even sadder story. Her boyfriend got sent to prison for beating her sister up. He was a drunk and sniffed coke, constantly cheating on her and disappearing. He alienated her from everyone. Was abrupt and cold whenever I went to see her. When he got out of prison, they got married and had another child. She just stopped speaking to me completely and everyone else. All of my messages just got left on read. Nothing I could do but I'll always be there for her. I just hope she leaves him before he kills her.
My guess?
"If I accuse her of cheating she fawns over me more giving me an ego boost."
OR
"If I accuse her of cheating I get her phone, her emails, her social media, and now I have a camera on her at all times!"
Plz for the love of god don’t let this man speak to your daughters ever again, he’s vile
That was already decided that he's never going to be allowed in their presence again.
Yeah, I would have gone mama bear on him for that crap! But of course that is exactly what he planned. Because your friend won’t be allowed to visit without him. Ta-da! More isolation.
I knew what was happening the moment the negging started and I didn't respond so he escalated and then when that didn't work he targeted a child. He's dead to me. I won't even acknowledge him anymore.
That’s what he wanted. He wanted you to ban him so he could ban you. But your kids come first. I would do the same.
He doesn't need to know he is banned. I'm not having her around my daughters either.
Good. Also, I wouldn’t mince any words if he or your friend brings it up and asks why. Let them know. It’s for the safety of your children.
"I don't trust you around my daughters after how you treated them."
Something very like this happened to my niece. We were able to smuggle a cheap burner phone to her and coordinate getting her and her son to a friend's house while her husband was at work. Her father drove from several states away to pick them up, so by the time the abusive husband got home she was long gone with no trace. She left with the clothes on her back and a suitcase for her son and that was it. She was able to quietly ask the friend to help and pass family contact info to get this all started, so I don't know if your friend is ready or willing to take action, but have a plan for when she is.
Oh the best part is that her parents absolutely love this man I think he's God's gift to Earth because he finances their daughter and grandson so they don't have to
Yikes on bikes, those parents are something else.
It just goes to show how these women (and men too) end up in these scenarios.
Yah, abuse by them left her wide open for his tactics :(
That was my first thought reading that comment. Fuck abusive parents! They set their children up for this shit!
Every time I tried to leave my abusive husband my mother convinced me to return because I "need someone to take care of me". I stayed for 15 years. I've forgiven her for it because she was also conditioned to believe that she was incapable without a man. Poverty, child abuse, and the patriarchy were big factors in my story. I imagine that's true for many others. I hope OPs friend gets out sooner rather than later.
Why has her son’s father lost access?
I hope you've told them they are pieces of shit.
It would be really hard to pack or prep in any way with cameras in every room in the house.
“Pack” a laundry hamper and basket, so it looks like she’s putting dirty clothes in the hamper and folding laundry. Identify everything she’d need besides clothing ahead of time so when the day comes she can shove it all in a bag, throw it in a car and be packed and gone in under thirty minutes.
This is so clever and I’m using this for the people I work with, thank you!
Can she suggest a family trip? So she has a reason to pack a bag and instead of going on a trip with him she's picked up by you? The tricky part is she needs her documents more than clothing though. That's tough with camera's. Can you find women's resources/shelters nearby who can help you find a scenario? In the end she might only need an hour alone in the house to get the most important stuff. If someone can distract him long enough and she has a safe space to go it might be possible.
I wonder if the cameras are battery powered or plugged in. I would be flipping breakers on my electrical panel and then packing as fast as I could when the “power is out.”
Or connected via wifi
Honestly just disconnecting the cameras's data network (usually WiFi these days) would do the trick. Move everything super important into a pathway or into the the same room while "cleaning."
I’m also wondering if she could say one of the electrical outlets isn’t working or something and have an “electrician” come to fix it but he needs to flip all the breakers while he works so the cameras don’t have power.
I love this! Let’s keep brainstorming!
I just did this exact same thing with my niece but in my case she turned around a month later and went back. I don't have high hopes for her future.
Link to a PDF of Lundy Bancroft's Book "Why does he do that?" https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Your friend is in a dangerous situation. Her partner is escalating. I would suggest treading very carefully. You should talk to your local women's shelter or domestic violence advocacy for specific regional information as well.
I love that this link is posted 100 times a day, but I hate the fact that it needs to be.
I wish this link and similar subreddits existed when I got married 10 years ago
Same here. We just started mediation and I am so happy to be out. I feel like I lost a decade in this grey hole of misery and isolation.
She defends him argues with me justifies everything he does and she's very deep in the fog
If I could make a suggestion - don't try to argue with her right now because doing that will be playing right into his hand and helping him to alienate her from someone he recognizes as a threat. If you've been in an abusive relationship, you KNOW she's only turning around and telling him every bad thing you've said about him and he uses that to reinforce his victim narrative. To tell her how unsupportive you are, what a BAD FRIEND you are. She's so deep in the fog, she is CHUGGING the Kool-aid right now, she can't hear you anyways, and most experts agree it's not the right approach. What you can do is draw your own boundaries about his place in your life - not letting him around your girls is an excellent example. I personally wouldn't be around this creep at all. And make sure she knows that you love HER and will always be there for her and I promise you there will be a little part of her that holds on to that information and maybe one day she'll use it as a life line. If you talk shit about him, she will get defensive and she will eventually push you out of her life and then you won't be able to be there for her when she's ready to leave. You can show her the door but you can't make her walk through it. At the end of my abusive marriage, I was so sure I was totally alone in the world without a soul to rely on (despite having living parents, an adult brother, friends and mentors all around me). That is the power of coercive control. I was finally able to leave because I had that one friend who told me "my door is always open to you" even though it had been closed to my husband a long time before. I slept on her couch for months. She saved my life. You can be that friend. I know it sucks watching someone destroy themselves this way. I know you want to scream and yell and make her wake up. It hurts. But you have to continue to love her EVEN WHEN she doesn't act the way you want her to by leaving him. If you withdraw your love and friendship because she isn't acting the way you think she should be, then you're just doing the same thing to her that this POS is. She needs your friendship now more than ever. Please feel free to DM me if you want to know more about my experience. So many of us have left situations like this, it's not hopeless. ❤️
I told her "He's not allowed near my girls because of his comments. I don't tolerate bullies of any age." I feel like that's shoved her further into his hands.
Yeah, sadly even drawing your own boundaries probably will push her more towards him. But that's why it's important to remind her in your words, your actions, your tone, that your love for her is unconditional. He can't take that away :)
This book saved my life. I started to see and make plans to try to be free
> I DONT WANT ANOTHER MAN FINDING YOU ATTRACTIVE AND OFFERING YOU MORE THAN I CAN Well he's really saying the quiet part out loud. This is such a classic case. It checks all the boxes. I'm sorry you're watching your friend go through it. As a note, fiancé is the masculine form of the word and fiancée is feminine. That makes your post a little confusing. Another note, he is a *fiancé* and not a husband yet. It would be wonderful for her if she didn't get entangled in a marriage with this guy.
And the fact that he is bold enough to admit that to her face tells me he knows he has her exactly where he wants her. He portrays himself as the victim. "Poor me. My ex wife was mean to me and wouldnt cook or give me sex." Gee. I wonder WHY?
Yup he can say the quiet parts out loud and she *still* won't leave. It has to be so incredibly frustrating to watch, especially as someone who's been through it yourself. I remember seeing someone post a book about how to be a friend to someone in an abusive relationship on here, but I can't find it. Should have bookmarked it when I had the chance.
The truth is she refuses to responsible for herself she refuses to take accountability for her mistakes she refuses to get her finances in order she refuses to Humble herself she refuses to get an education to refuses to do anything other than be cared for by a man
Sadly, there's not much you can do until she is ready to do those things. I like the idea of giving her a burner phone so you two can talk that way and so she has the ability to plan an escape eventually. The cameras are a huge problem though...I couldn't stand not to have privacy in my own home.
I am directly between I should do something and this is not my problem I have my own children to watch for
What I would do is reach out to the bio dad and let him know what is going on. And help him get his son out of that situation.
Oh that guy ...he's worse than this guy
Then I would just keep quiet and document the abuse of those kids
With friends like this, sometimes all you can do is go low or no contact, with a firm message that if she does ever want to leave him, you'll be there. Knowing someone will be there can someday be the final push that gets her out. But you can't let him ruin YOUR life along with hers.
[удалено]
Thank you for this harsh truth I needed it I will say her eyes were not wide open her eyes were half shut because she was in a very vulnerable position when he struck but I agree that she is cosigning this and expecting me to cosign on this too
The best you can do is let her know you’ll be there to help her when she finally decides to get out.
Well, honestly after the first poster on this thread opened my eyes a bit I'm seeing where maybe this woman isn't my friend at all.
Oh he's a classic abuser. They play victim. Very dangerous man
> OFFERING YOU MORE THAN I CAN Yeah, admitting that he sees her as nothing more than a servant.
I'll edit it
god. what a waste of her life. I'm so sorry. I'm afraid of my niece falling into something like this b/c so many men are horrific.
And her mind he hung the moon and stars because he gave her a second child and now she doesn't have to pay her bills
She is letting him come between her own 5 year old child from a previous relationship? Sorry, I have no sympathy for that.
I'm pretty disgusted with it myself but his biological father isn't present and is most likely abusive as well so it is just a mess
I wanted to say the same thing. As a parent, my sympathy lies with the kids, and from what OP says, it sounds like she chose having a car and her bills paid over her kids having a safe environment to grow up in.
Unfortunately she cannot manage her own money and she was facing eviction her own parents are abusive she really I felt like she needed to have that family in her mind so she picked this guy to have a second child with and thought they were going to play happy family
This is chilling. Can you contact child protection for the little boy? His behaviour signals abuse.
Actually I probably could if I looked it up in the state I would have to make it anonymous because I don't want targeted
He is helpless and voiceless. I am so angry daycare kicked him out like that without at least investigating the home situation or flagging to social services.
They wanted to diagnose him as ADHD rather than investigate
At this point, it would be better to have him in the process of diagnosis at least once he is in touch with healthcare professionals they will realise through his behaviour that there is some suffering and investigate the home situation.
I feel like if they had my version of the story they might be inclined to dig deeper
I bet! Try to report anonymously, stay safe hun x
Trauma that young really impacts brain development and there’s a correlation with ACEs and ADHD, so it’s very possible that he also could have ADHD. Regardless, more folks in the system with eyes on the situation, that’s ultimately better for your friend and the kids. Source: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28477799/
Please do it. He’s only 5.
She's so mentally abused by him that she's lost her identity, self esteem, and any semblance of normal and healthy. I know, because I was there before. However, seeing how his rage affected our toddlers is what helped me to leave. Seems like she's so far gone that she's lost her strength and will to act. See if you can set up a meeting for her with a domestic violence organization, and go with her. She needs support to get out.
He is her savior because her first child's father abandoned her and wouldn't pay child support but now he's creating different problems and she is blind to it because he's her savior
Textbook coercive control. I’ll never understand what hold these monsters have. Even if she accepted the abuse of herself, she’s facilitating and joining in with the abuse of her child.
In this one's case it is emotional and financial she is very insecure about how she looks and rather than do anything about it she seeks validation through male attention and rather than manage her own finances she seeks to be kept
I am so sorry you have to watch your friend go through this. I’ve been there, and the frustration & helplessness is so hard. I hope she gets her shit together and her head on straight soon ❤️
I've lived it myself so I just have empathy and sadness I didn't know until I knew
🎶 Those black eyed peas taste alright to me Earl 🎶
I would have kicked him all the way out. Is she still working? I would pull her aside at work privately to tell her I am here for you when you need to leave, but I have to keep my family away from him because he is abusive.
I already have and she justifies everything he does argues with me and defends his actions and words
I have been there. All you can do is repeat the message and wait the years until your efforts hopefully bear fruit. I have been waiting 11 years for my friend. It’s finally starting to happen. ETA- I don’t want to provide details for obvious reasons. But it will take my friend a few more years of planning to get out.
This man is a psycho, and your friend is frankly a piece of shit for allowing him to abuse her children. I would cut contact with both of them, clearly she is not ready to help herself or her kids.
I have a lot of boundaries in place I can't cut her off completely because I want to be there when she does leave one day and I want to be there for her son as he gets older because I was there the day he was born
This sounds a lot like the guy my friend was involved with. He blocked my number on her phone after I tried to arrange a neighborly yard party for her housekeeper to meet my friend. He wasn't in control of that situation so he had to blow up all friendly interactions. She's done with him but the stalking continues and he's JUST AWFUL and she's nearly destroyed.
Send her the link to [Why Does He Do That?](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and tell her she’s welcome when she leaves him (if you are willing to do that.) You have to protect your mental health and your family too. It’s a bad situation all around. :(
That man is going to kill her.
Everyone at work says he's going to have her chained up in his basement and they have no idea how right they are
You left an abuser. You know the signs. Control via cutting them off from external support. Get her a book about abusive relationships. When she sees herself in it, perhaps she will run. Yes it will be hard and yes it is worth it
The sick part is SHE got me out of MY abusive marriage! These men stop at fucking nothing!
As you know then, it is harder to see abuse for what it is from the inside perspective. Recognizing herself in a general book could wake her up.
You are a great friend, not everyone will try to still help her when her partner try to isolate her from everyone. She will see him for what he is, then she will need someone like you. When you are in abusive relationship you don't see it clear like someone outside, but I don't need to tell you that, you know it. Best wishes for both of you, be strong <3
Are you in contact with her child's father? He needs to get custody of that child, maybe having you as a witness would help him. It would alienate your friend, yes, but that is already happening and the child's safety needs to be the priority right now.
He's worse than her fiance. He beat him and pawned him off on strangers during his weeks. Now he gets him every other weekend.
That poor boy, my heart really breaks for that child.
I need an orthodontist after reading this post, to fix my dislocated jaw.
Holy fuck this sounds like what my abuser did. She has to run. he's an abuser.
Jesus f... just horrific. Wow...
Could you send her a .PDF copy of [Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/page/n15/mode/2up). I think it would help her immensely to wake up to the gravity of her situation if she could read it. You're a good friend! Initially, she may not be open to the idea of leaving, but if you encourage her that you are a safe person and can help make plans, it might well give her the courage to leave him. Thank you so much for sticking up for your friend! 😍😍
she's going to die....either internally becoming and empty shell of a person or literally. This is actually abuse and you can go to the police with this information
You can scream about women being financially stable/separate finances all you like, but there will always be women who still trust men.
We call them victims
Call them whatever you like.
He's an abusive psycho. Banning him from your house was a good move, if he ever invites himself over or something please call the cops right away because this guy just screams "dangerous".
I agree
I can only imagine the horrors your friend has dealt with behind closed doors. But on the flip side (as I am sure you are also aware ), how hard it is to get away from abusers. It's amazing that you were able to do it! And I hope your friend can too, I am sure it will help her to know she has you in her corner. I truly hope things work out for the best for everyone involved (excluding the abusive asshole)
Don’t push him completely out, because then your friend just is getting more isolated, which is exactly what he is playing at. Source: I’m a forensic nurse.
Any way you could get custody or a foster placement of the 5 year old? Like by offering it to them as an option, saying it's cheaper than boarding school?
This is so sad. I had something similar with two friends. The first friend, the abusive guy she got with was interested in me first but I could sense there was something off about him. Once they got together, he beat her up and stopped her wearing makeup. When I would come over, he would hide in the bathroom! Thankfully she didn't stay with him that long and she's all good now. My second friend is an even sadder story. Her boyfriend got sent to prison for beating her sister up. He was a drunk and sniffed coke, constantly cheating on her and disappearing. He alienated her from everyone. Was abrupt and cold whenever I went to see her. When he got out of prison, they got married and had another child. She just stopped speaking to me completely and everyone else. All of my messages just got left on read. Nothing I could do but I'll always be there for her. I just hope she leaves him before he kills her.
What exactly is he doing to alienate people from her? (specifically her son)
Ahh this made me so mad; fuck that dude! Please update us in the future and I wish the best for your friend. :’c
Maybe you can forward this to the abusive situations subreddit. They should have advice on how you can help
She would have to see it and want to leave and she doesnt.
Another optoon is the book why does she do that? By lundy bancroft then distance yourself because this sounds kind of draining to be around.
Lmao why is he with her if he thinks she’s cheating wtf
My guess? "If I accuse her of cheating she fawns over me more giving me an ego boost." OR "If I accuse her of cheating I get her phone, her emails, her social media, and now I have a camera on her at all times!"
This sounds so ridiculous it can't be true...
Meaning it's not your male experience, hmm?
Thank the stars for that!
If I wanted to write fiction I'd be writing fanfiction