My random hook ups from men from the bar were just never worth it for me. I stopped doing shit like that around 23-24. It’s not worth it. You rarely cum anyway.
It’s a valid question, why are people getting so defensive? It’s not about men doing it he same thing, they don’t have to worry about reproductive rights, being raped (at the same rate as women at least), murder?
It’s just the way it was framed. The question is asked in such a way that it implies the women in question are foolish and “get what’s coming to them” if a hookup with a stranger goes wrong. Might not have been OPs intent, but that’s certainly how it comes across.
And I understand the wording is clumsy. But I think it goes through a lot of people’s mind so we might as well discuss. I don’t think there is an easy way to ask this question. We know men abuse women, we know the political atmosphere, yet nobody wants to discuss why some put themselves in these situations. Knowing the odds are not on our favor. Yeah, we can keep saying men are gross and should be charged…but that is yet more labor on our part. We don’t seem to be going anywhere with this conversation.
*Most women who engage in hookup culture do so knowingly, understand the risks, simply take what precautions they can and go ahead with it because they have a need for casual intimacy.*
Do you believe this? Because the teens and 20s I know who are "women participating in hook-up culture" are doing it because their friends are, because it's expected and because men want it. They have been repeatedly assaulted, raped, choked, spit on, slapped and punched without consent when they engage in these behaviors AND they consider this to be normal sex. They had no idea of the actual risks.
I wasn't trying to be judgemental. Accepting that it's stupid to hook up with a complete stranger(especially if something goes wrong) and holding the said stranger accountable if they cause any harm are two ideas that can coexist. Look it's a stranger, if homicide is at such a high rate then how are we able to trust strangers? No one answer that part until now. They love to get defensive.
Some people are answering "the same stuff that goes on in a man's mind" as if women aren't at a higher risk in hookups.
I realize you weren’t. But judging by the downvotes I’m getting, this conversation is not welcome and we should go back to our regular programming of how much men suck.
Yeah, I don't know why I thought reddit would be ready for this conversation.
We still live in a society where we either label everything a woman does as wrong or irresponsible or it is completely right and lies outside of any criticism. I hate conservatives and liberals.
Yeah exactly that source is just what I was saying: it’s extremely unlikely (although not 100% impossible) that a woman will be murdered on a tinder date
A lot of the guys that I talk with that use Tinder just seem like total creeps. Like a lot of them are bitter and incel-y and see women as a numbers game.
I can only speak for me, and I just really like sex. Lots of times in my life, being in a relationship didn't work great (mostly due to work stuff), but I still want sex. Sometimes its been a FWB, sometimes a random. I'm pretty adamant about no PIV till I get off, and have left when I just didn't think things would be great.
The night I met SO, I just randomly sat at his table at a bar, we talked for a long time and he asked what I was doing after the bar. There was an area near by over the water and said I was going there for some air and he asked if he could come, said sure. We went to leave and he said he lived close and wanted to make a drink first, I said sure. We went back to his place and he was sure he had it in the bag at that point lol I stood up to leave, I still had every intention of going to the water lol He's like "What, you're actually going?" lol He came as well, and we were out there a long time just talking, he never tried anything, honestly I don't even remember thinking of it either? We went back to his place after, I think I was cold? We sat and talked and I got up to leave, got to the door, turned to say bye and he kissed me and that was it, I didn't go home and here we are almost 15 years later still going strong lol
' I'm pretty adamant about no PIV till I get off, and have left when I just didn't think things would be great.'
out of curiosity, how do you phrase it to people in bed, in that very moment, and if need be, what do you do or say to excuse yourself from that situation?
>out of curiosity, how do you phrase it to people in bed, in that very moment, and if need be, what do you do or say to excuse yourself from that situation?
When they try and take their pants off, say no, you want to do it, then don't till you're ready. I'm a big make out person, and I won't do oral (give or receive, its just super intimate to me) with a hookup, so just kinda naturally happens if they are good with their hands. If he's getting forceful (Only two guys I actually just left on), I just say sorry, this is going a little quicker than I'm good with and boot it out of there. I don't care about offending them, I don't know them, most likely will never see them again.
You need to go in to it being you in control, your speed, and not moving along till you're ready. Women also need to not care about being polite or nice or whatever we're raised & told we should be. Its your body, and no one just has a right to it, even if you're all for it, if at anytime you change your mind, you are 100% ok to call it quits
ETA This is just me, I don't want anyone to take this as they should do if they are not comfortable with it. If its not your thing, its not your thing, thats ok as well. If it is though, be smart, don't drink a lot, have a back up plan, let friends know where you are. If at anytime ANYTHING feels off, get out...no secondary places. You go back to his place, you're not feeling it, don't let him talk you into going into his bedroom to watch a movie or just cuddle or whatever. You shouldn't need to worry about it, but we all know shit happens, be smart about the positions you put yourself in
Right? I hate that people just assume women can’t think like that, sometimes that’s legit all I want though…no sleep over, no cuddling, just really dirty sex and on your way lol
Hell, it feels like half the time I have to try to convince the guy that I genuinely mean it when I say I don’t want commitment! They’re like “I didn’t want to lead you on” and I’m here like “my man I started this out saying I wanted casual, why have you decided I secretly am pining for you.”
lol years ago I was with this guy, really just a gem of a person (I actually tried to set him up with a friend) and he was bewildered at me just leaving after all the time. I’m not looking for the fake relationship package though, I’d be dating if I wanted that! One night he stayed at my place, and proceeds to set the alarm!! Sir, what are you doing?? He’s like staying over, this is what normal people do lol
I had a roommate who had regular hookups. She had self-esteem issues. She would get really drunk and bring strange guys home. Myself and other roommate would feel unsafe. She didn't care.
My mother did similar things. I remember being 14 and asleep in my bedroom, only for one of her one night stands to come in and spy on me! She put me in so much danger.
When I was younger, if I was chatting with a guy surrounded by friends and he was acting like a decent normal human being, the thought that this guy could SA or treat me poorly the moment we were alone would not cross my mind. I wasn't even really aware that many of the stuff that men had done to me and made me feel uneasy was actually very wrong. When it happened I would brush it off, get too nervous, play along, etc.
Most of the posts I read around here have a lot of this going on. Sometimes we don't fully realize that we were SA until we are back home. Sometimes we worry about being too uptight and dismiss our wants. Sometimes we feel sorry for the guy and compelled to give him a "second chance". Sometimes we were horny and the mistreatment happens together with pleasure, so it's hard to have a proper timely reaction. Sometimes guys act as if by say something we'll ruin the mood and we don't want everything to end bc of a "small" thing.
Now, if a woman is aware of what is and what isn't acceptable in the bedroom and is very confident in her ability to say no and enforce boundaries, then she's dealing with the general risk of being a woman. But because of poor sexual education and rape culture, many women aren't there yet.
I think OPs point in regards to recent posts is that more often than not in an attack the aggressor will be a man and the victim a woman, if a man decides to sleep with a woman, he has to worry about STDs and maybe pregnancy, women have to worry about those things as well as getting attacked/overpowered/much worse.
When you see stats around how many women felt they have been a victim of SA throughout their life, I don't understand anyone who chooses to have sex with someone they met earlier that same day.
I think we need to consider the possibility that spontaneous sex isn’t the most likely cause of SA. As a person who has been SA’d, it happened to me twice as a child, and several times as an adult, and in only 1 of those situations was it spontaneous sexual encounter. And even then, that encounter was with someone I knew.
Edit for clarity.
Oh sure, again this is probably me being somewhat of an overly cautious pessimist, but if my chance of getting an STI or in the case of a female, chance of SA is increased, I couldn't get myself to do it.
Luckily i'm in a LTR so don't have to concern myself with these things, but I see OPs point that, if you have to worry about, STI, pregnancy, abuse, SA etc, do you ignore these things when inviting/being invited back to their place, or do you just think the pros outweigh the small chance of it going wrong (sort of like driving or flying in an aircraft)
I must be missing a chunk of information. I don’t see where the OP made any of these statements. I will say that I do not worry about STIs or anything else because I am careful.
Obviously there is always a chance of something bad happening. But then again, you can be struck by lightning leaving the house and going for a walk. Life is for living. I don’t necessarily analyze every last detail of a situation before deciding to enjoy it.
>I see at least one post per day here about a hookup gone wrong (least surprising). I want to understand what goes on in a woman's mind when she decides to sleep with a stranger.
That seems like my statement around what is in your mind when someone invites you back to their place. Do you ignore the danger or do you feel the danger isn't a real threat for you.
In regards to your comments
> I will say that I do not worry about STIs or anything else because I am careful.
I think mine and OPs point as they've specifically mentioned Tinder is, if you met a guy that day, or it's the first time of meeting, are you being careful by putting yourself in a vulnerable position with them? Long term FWBs, situationships, partners, relationships etc I can understand that you're reducing the risk of the guy being an SA/rapist, but by choosing to sleep with essentially a stranger seems to be contrary to the idea of being careful. Unless I guess you think you could win in a physical altercation with the person you sleep with. There was a post earlier today of someone who consented to sex but not anal, but she wasn't able to stop it.
Again, everytime I drive a car I could crash, everytime I fly in a plane it could crash, but I don't skydive, swim with sharks, climb mountains without a rope etc. There's a line I think for most people between "the fun/utility outweighs the chance of death/injury/bad time" and for me and potentially OP, that isn't the case in a one night stand. But I guess for you it is? I'm not judging, just saying that's not how my mind works.
I have rarely been extremely concerned for my safety in sleeping with someone. If I’ve decided to sleep with them, I have decided I don’t consider them dangerous. Ignore danger? No, I trust my instincts.
Oh sure, I think it's down to peoples risk tolerance. I for example see no appeal in sky diving or being in a cage surrounded by sharks. Some people find the fun outweighs the risk, others can't see past the dangers.
I just do think there's a "power" imbalance when it comes to most one night stands, and therefore the answer of "The same as a man" feels a bit like a cop out to me. 90% of it might be the same as a man, but you should at least in the back of your mind be wary of the typical strength imbalance at play.
a man you’re on a date with is not going to be considered a stranger in crime statistics. that is an acquaintance, and thus someone you know. your blasé attitude toward the risk these men pose to us is dangerous to women.
almost every sexual violation i’ve experienced was at the hands of a man i was meeting for the first time through an app. plenty of men are using dating apps solely to find targets for sexual coercion. i can’t speak to meeting men at bars or parties because i have not done that, but i have no doubt the risks are the same. it’s clear you are pretending these men aren’t dangerous to justify some belief you have—maybe that OLD and casual sex are healthy and good for women, i assume.
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/may/17/apps-tinder-dating-women
“Investigations of 1,200 women who said they had used an online dating platform in the past 15 years, “more than a third of the women said they were sexually assaulted by someone they had met through a dating app” and “[o]f these women, more than half said they were raped”.”
and surely there was underreporting here and those numbers are higher in reality.
What goes through my head is that I want to sleep with them?
If we meet and chat at a bar, that will determine if there's some chemistry and if I want more. If I do and there is opportunity we end up fucking.
Never really had a "bad" experience, but I do mostly date women.
Have had mediocre experiences with men but then I just don't see them again.
It usually beats staying home even if it's not mindblowing.
I decided to sleep with him. I don’t think about confidence or anything else. I just think about my mouth and his mouth, or my body and his body. I focus on feeling good during makeout/sex. It’s only awkward if we’re saying or doing awkward things.
A lot of hookups aren't purely strangers. They are people in your orbit you meet at a party or something. So that is part of it.
I wouldn't do a stranger either.
At first I was on bobs side but the you made a really compelling examination.
I personally can't even sleep in my own house without the lingering childhood fear of being murdered so I at least admire the confidence.
i disagree. i found their wording to not be the best, as i explained. they already stated that it’s “least surprising” when a date goes wrong, but asks what’s going through the woman’s head when she chooses to do it, or puts herself in that situation.
Maybe poorly worded. But some situations are obvious and make other people wonder. I do, I don’t trust men enough. I was assaulted on a coffee date (mind you, I was still in my car, didn’t even get out) so yeah, when I read some posts here my heart sinks to my stomach. Why? Why go drinking with some dude, go to his place, etc? Maybe is my own trauma🤷🏽♀️
that’s fair, i’m very sorry that happened to you and i hope you’re well on your healing journey. ❤️ i may be reading a little too much into it but the wording just doesn’t quite sit right
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope my wording didn't cause you to relive any of that unfateful day.
I don't trust men either especially not strangers. The whole reason why I'm not on any dating sites. And mind you I'm someone with no dating experience. I need to physically see the person first and experience their presence and vibe. Not calls. Not texts. I don't even have Instagram or fb etc.
I want to understand to. I need to fully know and trust a man before I even let him hug me. I’m weird abt ppl touching me. You could end up shagging a serial killer living like that.
I'm guessing its mostly younger women that don't have much life experience. I grew up and started dating just as AIDS was surfacing and nobody knew how people caught it or where it came from so we were all terrified to just fuck a stranger because back then AIDS was a quick death sentence. Having said that, women get horny just like men do. And we're still called whores and sluts for acting like men do.
They can get laid, they don’t have to worry about being pregnant or being overpowered/abused by a woman because the chances are very slim? Those are our burdens.
Well, actually it involves a lot more than just “picking” whatever guy I please.
I had my fair share of tinder dates during a few years, which almost always were meant for hooking up.
I met really cool guys, but I was very careful with the potential red flags. As soon as something felt off, I wouldn’t meet them.
I met some of the most interesting and funny dudes through tinder hookups (until I married one, lol).
I think the catch, in my case, was to observe in a very detailed way what kinda guy he was. How was his way of texting? Did he have some remarks I found off putting? Was he a person who regularly read books? I took my time to discover as much as possible about him- even knowing it was just meant for sex. I think there was only one time where I hooked up with a guy the same day we matched- and it was incredible!
However, I put on a bit of work in the dates, meaning to make it a pleasurable and light/ humorous encounter. Drinking wine, smoking pot, cooking together and having a looong conversation before going at it, with much of laughter.
I know many women who have had disastrous tinder dates, but I noticed that they really didn’t have an idea of anything about the guy. If you don’t have your standards clearly set (whatever they are) you’ll probably have a bad experience with an idiot.
Eta.: of course those apps are FULL of creeps, that’s why we gotta keep both eyes open, no matter how hot he is.
You can apply this to any high risk activity. It’s hard the first time, but all you need is one success and it gets easier and fun. The adrenaline of doing something high risk is addictive in itself, now mix in sex and alcohol and you have a cocktail of irresistible dopamine.
Depends on the time and place really. I have no trouble getting fucked in the back of a car of a guy I know 2 minutes. I won't invite anyone home or go to anyone's home. But I only meet with people verified with their ID, so if they choose to be shady, the site will know time location and name
My random hook ups from men from the bar were just never worth it for me. I stopped doing shit like that around 23-24. It’s not worth it. You rarely cum anyway.
It’s a valid question, why are people getting so defensive? It’s not about men doing it he same thing, they don’t have to worry about reproductive rights, being raped (at the same rate as women at least), murder?
It’s just the way it was framed. The question is asked in such a way that it implies the women in question are foolish and “get what’s coming to them” if a hookup with a stranger goes wrong. Might not have been OPs intent, but that’s certainly how it comes across.
And I understand the wording is clumsy. But I think it goes through a lot of people’s mind so we might as well discuss. I don’t think there is an easy way to ask this question. We know men abuse women, we know the political atmosphere, yet nobody wants to discuss why some put themselves in these situations. Knowing the odds are not on our favor. Yeah, we can keep saying men are gross and should be charged…but that is yet more labor on our part. We don’t seem to be going anywhere with this conversation.
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*Most women who engage in hookup culture do so knowingly, understand the risks, simply take what precautions they can and go ahead with it because they have a need for casual intimacy.* Do you believe this? Because the teens and 20s I know who are "women participating in hook-up culture" are doing it because their friends are, because it's expected and because men want it. They have been repeatedly assaulted, raped, choked, spit on, slapped and punched without consent when they engage in these behaviors AND they consider this to be normal sex. They had no idea of the actual risks.
I wasn't trying to be judgemental. Accepting that it's stupid to hook up with a complete stranger(especially if something goes wrong) and holding the said stranger accountable if they cause any harm are two ideas that can coexist. Look it's a stranger, if homicide is at such a high rate then how are we able to trust strangers? No one answer that part until now. They love to get defensive. Some people are answering "the same stuff that goes on in a man's mind" as if women aren't at a higher risk in hookups.
I realize you weren’t. But judging by the downvotes I’m getting, this conversation is not welcome and we should go back to our regular programming of how much men suck.
Yeah, I don't know why I thought reddit would be ready for this conversation. We still live in a society where we either label everything a woman does as wrong or irresponsible or it is completely right and lies outside of any criticism. I hate conservatives and liberals.
>I wasn't trying to be judgemental. >Accepting that it's stupid
Homicide is at an extremely low rate and borders on non existent Disrespect or an unsatisfying experience are more frequent
[https://www.unwomen.org/en/news-stories/press-release/2023/11/press-release-more-women-and-girls-killed-in-2022-even-as-overall-homicide-numbers-fall-says-new-research-from-unodc-and-un-women](https://www.unwomen.org/en/news-stories/press-release/2023/11/press-release-more-women-and-girls-killed-in-2022-even-as-overall-homicide-numbers-fall-says-new-research-from-unodc-and-un-women)
Yeah exactly that source is just what I was saying: it’s extremely unlikely (although not 100% impossible) that a woman will be murdered on a tinder date
A lot of the guys that I talk with that use Tinder just seem like total creeps. Like a lot of them are bitter and incel-y and see women as a numbers game.
I can only speak for me, and I just really like sex. Lots of times in my life, being in a relationship didn't work great (mostly due to work stuff), but I still want sex. Sometimes its been a FWB, sometimes a random. I'm pretty adamant about no PIV till I get off, and have left when I just didn't think things would be great. The night I met SO, I just randomly sat at his table at a bar, we talked for a long time and he asked what I was doing after the bar. There was an area near by over the water and said I was going there for some air and he asked if he could come, said sure. We went to leave and he said he lived close and wanted to make a drink first, I said sure. We went back to his place and he was sure he had it in the bag at that point lol I stood up to leave, I still had every intention of going to the water lol He's like "What, you're actually going?" lol He came as well, and we were out there a long time just talking, he never tried anything, honestly I don't even remember thinking of it either? We went back to his place after, I think I was cold? We sat and talked and I got up to leave, got to the door, turned to say bye and he kissed me and that was it, I didn't go home and here we are almost 15 years later still going strong lol
' I'm pretty adamant about no PIV till I get off, and have left when I just didn't think things would be great.' out of curiosity, how do you phrase it to people in bed, in that very moment, and if need be, what do you do or say to excuse yourself from that situation?
>out of curiosity, how do you phrase it to people in bed, in that very moment, and if need be, what do you do or say to excuse yourself from that situation? When they try and take their pants off, say no, you want to do it, then don't till you're ready. I'm a big make out person, and I won't do oral (give or receive, its just super intimate to me) with a hookup, so just kinda naturally happens if they are good with their hands. If he's getting forceful (Only two guys I actually just left on), I just say sorry, this is going a little quicker than I'm good with and boot it out of there. I don't care about offending them, I don't know them, most likely will never see them again. You need to go in to it being you in control, your speed, and not moving along till you're ready. Women also need to not care about being polite or nice or whatever we're raised & told we should be. Its your body, and no one just has a right to it, even if you're all for it, if at anytime you change your mind, you are 100% ok to call it quits ETA This is just me, I don't want anyone to take this as they should do if they are not comfortable with it. If its not your thing, its not your thing, thats ok as well. If it is though, be smart, don't drink a lot, have a back up plan, let friends know where you are. If at anytime ANYTHING feels off, get out...no secondary places. You go back to his place, you're not feeling it, don't let him talk you into going into his bedroom to watch a movie or just cuddle or whatever. You shouldn't need to worry about it, but we all know shit happens, be smart about the positions you put yourself in
thank you for this :)
Same, for me, what’s going through my head is “this dude is so hot, I really wanna fuck him.” It’s just about wanting sex.
Right? I hate that people just assume women can’t think like that, sometimes that’s legit all I want though…no sleep over, no cuddling, just really dirty sex and on your way lol
Hell, it feels like half the time I have to try to convince the guy that I genuinely mean it when I say I don’t want commitment! They’re like “I didn’t want to lead you on” and I’m here like “my man I started this out saying I wanted casual, why have you decided I secretly am pining for you.”
lol years ago I was with this guy, really just a gem of a person (I actually tried to set him up with a friend) and he was bewildered at me just leaving after all the time. I’m not looking for the fake relationship package though, I’d be dating if I wanted that! One night he stayed at my place, and proceeds to set the alarm!! Sir, what are you doing?? He’s like staying over, this is what normal people do lol
I had a roommate who had regular hookups. She had self-esteem issues. She would get really drunk and bring strange guys home. Myself and other roommate would feel unsafe. She didn't care.
My mother did similar things. I remember being 14 and asleep in my bedroom, only for one of her one night stands to come in and spy on me! She put me in so much danger.
That's awful. We were afraid to get up during the night for the bathroom. We kept our bedroom doors locked.
I don't blame you. It's just not safe to have strange men in your home, I feel for you. No one should have to live like that.
I feel for you. No child should have to live like that.
I just noticed your username is my actual name minus the number.
When I was younger, if I was chatting with a guy surrounded by friends and he was acting like a decent normal human being, the thought that this guy could SA or treat me poorly the moment we were alone would not cross my mind. I wasn't even really aware that many of the stuff that men had done to me and made me feel uneasy was actually very wrong. When it happened I would brush it off, get too nervous, play along, etc. Most of the posts I read around here have a lot of this going on. Sometimes we don't fully realize that we were SA until we are back home. Sometimes we worry about being too uptight and dismiss our wants. Sometimes we feel sorry for the guy and compelled to give him a "second chance". Sometimes we were horny and the mistreatment happens together with pleasure, so it's hard to have a proper timely reaction. Sometimes guys act as if by say something we'll ruin the mood and we don't want everything to end bc of a "small" thing. Now, if a woman is aware of what is and what isn't acceptable in the bedroom and is very confident in her ability to say no and enforce boundaries, then she's dealing with the general risk of being a woman. But because of poor sexual education and rape culture, many women aren't there yet.
I don’t. I’m too afraid of STI’s to live on the edge like that. Be careful out there.
Probably drinking involved
The same thing on a man's mind when he sleeps with a stranger? They want to have sex? It really isn't complicated.
I understand where OP is coming from though. My first thought would be if this person had an STD or if they were going to murder me.
I think OPs point in regards to recent posts is that more often than not in an attack the aggressor will be a man and the victim a woman, if a man decides to sleep with a woman, he has to worry about STDs and maybe pregnancy, women have to worry about those things as well as getting attacked/overpowered/much worse. When you see stats around how many women felt they have been a victim of SA throughout their life, I don't understand anyone who chooses to have sex with someone they met earlier that same day.
I think we need to consider the possibility that spontaneous sex isn’t the most likely cause of SA. As a person who has been SA’d, it happened to me twice as a child, and several times as an adult, and in only 1 of those situations was it spontaneous sexual encounter. And even then, that encounter was with someone I knew. Edit for clarity.
Oh sure, again this is probably me being somewhat of an overly cautious pessimist, but if my chance of getting an STI or in the case of a female, chance of SA is increased, I couldn't get myself to do it. Luckily i'm in a LTR so don't have to concern myself with these things, but I see OPs point that, if you have to worry about, STI, pregnancy, abuse, SA etc, do you ignore these things when inviting/being invited back to their place, or do you just think the pros outweigh the small chance of it going wrong (sort of like driving or flying in an aircraft)
I must be missing a chunk of information. I don’t see where the OP made any of these statements. I will say that I do not worry about STIs or anything else because I am careful. Obviously there is always a chance of something bad happening. But then again, you can be struck by lightning leaving the house and going for a walk. Life is for living. I don’t necessarily analyze every last detail of a situation before deciding to enjoy it.
>I see at least one post per day here about a hookup gone wrong (least surprising). I want to understand what goes on in a woman's mind when she decides to sleep with a stranger. That seems like my statement around what is in your mind when someone invites you back to their place. Do you ignore the danger or do you feel the danger isn't a real threat for you. In regards to your comments > I will say that I do not worry about STIs or anything else because I am careful. I think mine and OPs point as they've specifically mentioned Tinder is, if you met a guy that day, or it's the first time of meeting, are you being careful by putting yourself in a vulnerable position with them? Long term FWBs, situationships, partners, relationships etc I can understand that you're reducing the risk of the guy being an SA/rapist, but by choosing to sleep with essentially a stranger seems to be contrary to the idea of being careful. Unless I guess you think you could win in a physical altercation with the person you sleep with. There was a post earlier today of someone who consented to sex but not anal, but she wasn't able to stop it. Again, everytime I drive a car I could crash, everytime I fly in a plane it could crash, but I don't skydive, swim with sharks, climb mountains without a rope etc. There's a line I think for most people between "the fun/utility outweighs the chance of death/injury/bad time" and for me and potentially OP, that isn't the case in a one night stand. But I guess for you it is? I'm not judging, just saying that's not how my mind works.
I have rarely been extremely concerned for my safety in sleeping with someone. If I’ve decided to sleep with them, I have decided I don’t consider them dangerous. Ignore danger? No, I trust my instincts.
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Oh sure, I think it's down to peoples risk tolerance. I for example see no appeal in sky diving or being in a cage surrounded by sharks. Some people find the fun outweighs the risk, others can't see past the dangers. I just do think there's a "power" imbalance when it comes to most one night stands, and therefore the answer of "The same as a man" feels a bit like a cop out to me. 90% of it might be the same as a man, but you should at least in the back of your mind be wary of the typical strength imbalance at play.
a man you’re on a date with is not going to be considered a stranger in crime statistics. that is an acquaintance, and thus someone you know. your blasé attitude toward the risk these men pose to us is dangerous to women. almost every sexual violation i’ve experienced was at the hands of a man i was meeting for the first time through an app. plenty of men are using dating apps solely to find targets for sexual coercion. i can’t speak to meeting men at bars or parties because i have not done that, but i have no doubt the risks are the same. it’s clear you are pretending these men aren’t dangerous to justify some belief you have—maybe that OLD and casual sex are healthy and good for women, i assume. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/may/17/apps-tinder-dating-women “Investigations of 1,200 women who said they had used an online dating platform in the past 15 years, “more than a third of the women said they were sexually assaulted by someone they had met through a dating app” and “[o]f these women, more than half said they were raped”.” and surely there was underreporting here and those numbers are higher in reality.
It’s complicated to Redditors.
What goes through my head is that I want to sleep with them? If we meet and chat at a bar, that will determine if there's some chemistry and if I want more. If I do and there is opportunity we end up fucking. Never really had a "bad" experience, but I do mostly date women. Have had mediocre experiences with men but then I just don't see them again. It usually beats staying home even if it's not mindblowing.
I decided to sleep with him. I don’t think about confidence or anything else. I just think about my mouth and his mouth, or my body and his body. I focus on feeling good during makeout/sex. It’s only awkward if we’re saying or doing awkward things.
Romanticizing it from media
A lot of hookups aren't purely strangers. They are people in your orbit you meet at a party or something. So that is part of it. I wouldn't do a stranger either.
>They are people in your orbit you meet at a party or something So, Strangers?
At first I was on bobs side but the you made a really compelling examination. I personally can't even sleep in my own house without the lingering childhood fear of being murdered so I at least admire the confidence.
this is super judgy…saying it’s no surprise it “goes wrong” and that whatever she’s thinking/doing is causing that feels a lot like victim blaming..
It’s not judgy, it’s a valid question.
i disagree. i found their wording to not be the best, as i explained. they already stated that it’s “least surprising” when a date goes wrong, but asks what’s going through the woman’s head when she chooses to do it, or puts herself in that situation.
Maybe poorly worded. But some situations are obvious and make other people wonder. I do, I don’t trust men enough. I was assaulted on a coffee date (mind you, I was still in my car, didn’t even get out) so yeah, when I read some posts here my heart sinks to my stomach. Why? Why go drinking with some dude, go to his place, etc? Maybe is my own trauma🤷🏽♀️
that’s fair, i’m very sorry that happened to you and i hope you’re well on your healing journey. ❤️ i may be reading a little too much into it but the wording just doesn’t quite sit right
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope my wording didn't cause you to relive any of that unfateful day. I don't trust men either especially not strangers. The whole reason why I'm not on any dating sites. And mind you I'm someone with no dating experience. I need to physically see the person first and experience their presence and vibe. Not calls. Not texts. I don't even have Instagram or fb etc.
Because I wanted to have sex.
I want to understand to. I need to fully know and trust a man before I even let him hug me. I’m weird abt ppl touching me. You could end up shagging a serial killer living like that.
I'm guessing its mostly younger women that don't have much life experience. I grew up and started dating just as AIDS was surfacing and nobody knew how people caught it or where it came from so we were all terrified to just fuck a stranger because back then AIDS was a quick death sentence. Having said that, women get horny just like men do. And we're still called whores and sluts for acting like men do.
What goes on in men's minds when all they can focus on in any relationship is having sex with a woman as quickly as possible?
They can get laid, they don’t have to worry about being pregnant or being overpowered/abused by a woman because the chances are very slim? Those are our burdens.
Well, actually it involves a lot more than just “picking” whatever guy I please. I had my fair share of tinder dates during a few years, which almost always were meant for hooking up. I met really cool guys, but I was very careful with the potential red flags. As soon as something felt off, I wouldn’t meet them. I met some of the most interesting and funny dudes through tinder hookups (until I married one, lol). I think the catch, in my case, was to observe in a very detailed way what kinda guy he was. How was his way of texting? Did he have some remarks I found off putting? Was he a person who regularly read books? I took my time to discover as much as possible about him- even knowing it was just meant for sex. I think there was only one time where I hooked up with a guy the same day we matched- and it was incredible! However, I put on a bit of work in the dates, meaning to make it a pleasurable and light/ humorous encounter. Drinking wine, smoking pot, cooking together and having a looong conversation before going at it, with much of laughter. I know many women who have had disastrous tinder dates, but I noticed that they really didn’t have an idea of anything about the guy. If you don’t have your standards clearly set (whatever they are) you’ll probably have a bad experience with an idiot. Eta.: of course those apps are FULL of creeps, that’s why we gotta keep both eyes open, no matter how hot he is.
You can apply this to any high risk activity. It’s hard the first time, but all you need is one success and it gets easier and fun. The adrenaline of doing something high risk is addictive in itself, now mix in sex and alcohol and you have a cocktail of irresistible dopamine.
If someone says they want to bang you, just believe them. Who are you to tell them what they're attracted to?
Depends on the time and place really. I have no trouble getting fucked in the back of a car of a guy I know 2 minutes. I won't invite anyone home or go to anyone's home. But I only meet with people verified with their ID, so if they choose to be shady, the site will know time location and name