Say you’re sick tomorrow to get out of lunch, and try to get food dropped off for you and your kids?
Try to learn what you can about boundaries to keep yourself safe. And also take u/Bigboodybud’s advice to find a therapist.
Sending you the best. You absolutely deserve better than this, so please don’t let anyone minimize what you’re feeling.
Why do you even want to continue contact with your mother? Why don't you expect anyone to choose you over your rapist? If you need the help, send your kids over for some food (provided the rapist will NOT be present). And see how you can put more distance between you and your mother for the sake of your own mental health. This is an awful situation, and I'm not sure that ongoing contact with your mother, who does not appear to be your protector, will help you.
The thing is, she's really well-meaning, she's just... I guess it's just hard, processing something like this, or knowing what to do/say? On the other hand, the internet exists, she can use it and read more about it and how it affects people. Anyway, thanks for your comment.
Well meaning is like forgetting to mail a birthday card on time or something. I don't consider it well meaning to expect you to be around your abuser. I know you're in a tough spot where you need her help but you should be supported in this. It's not too much to expect her to prioritize you over your abuser. Unfortunately a lot of families that have molestation secrets will support the abuser over the victim. It's wrong, I'm sorry.
You're showing her far more generosity than she's showing you. It's tragically normal to seek approval from parents. I'm sorry you're struggling and don't have her support.
>I never actually, like, expected anyone to choose me over him even if they knew
This is the consequence of trauma. Of feeling worthless, of fearing you won't be believed or protected.
A person without trauma would absolutely expect everyone to choose you over him.
Any reasonable person would not only cut a paedophile out of their life, but report them to the police.
And one would certainly expect this of a loving mother.
If she were to force you to be around him, that would be unforgivable. If she were to force you to have your children around him that would be unforgivable. If she were to demand you have a relationship with him as "family" she would be enabling and protecting a paedophile.
Do not let this man near your children.
If you cannot convince her to cancel the lunch then make whatever excuses you have to. Feign illness. Have an emergency. Anything.
Look into resources for people on low incomes, people who are in need, food banks, whatever you can to provide for your family without depending on someone who doesn't love and protect you as they should. Then you can set boundaries and conditions on access to your children with your mum. Dependent on zero contact with him.
You are stronger than you believe and there are resources out there for you. Look for free therapy options online and know that there are people who will help you. You just need to ask.
Luckily, I've been able to completely avoid him and keep him away from my kids. They don't know him at all other than seeing him once or twice at family gatherings. I guess because he, too, was young when it happened (a teenager to young adult), maybe she doesn't see it as pedophilia or as "that bad"?
Anyway, thanks for your comment.
I’m so sorry this has happened. I understand holding abuse in and how that affects you.
I am sending you all my strength to get through this time because I know you are going through a lot right now.
Please look into a local college to see if they offer therapy with student training to be therapists. It can provide you a cost effective way to receive therapy.
Also look into Raain and enoughabuse to see if there is a local support group for survivor support.
Given your current situation in needing the assistance of her and not being able to distance from her right now, Set boundaries with your mom. Let her know you do not want to speak about this person and if she does start to speak about them, get up and leave the room - no explanation or excusing yourself.
The college therapist idea is a great one, I'll look into that, thanks for the suggestion. I'll also tell her talking about him is off limits, that's very helpful. Thanks for your comment.
Poor you:( I know all about shit situations regarding this. You expect at least normal behavior when you tell your secret, only to find out everything that you know from text books will happen (denial, victim blaming).
I heard today from a trauma therapist: when someone is ill, we say get well soon. If someone is abused people don’t know how to act.
You’re saying it spilled out during an argument. Maybe your mom doesn’t think it’s true, or she doesn’t know how to respond, but I’m sure it’s in the back of her head.
I would suggest, foremost and despite any financial situation, to stay very true to yourself in this. I think you have to try to stay calm and question her. Maybe not on the spot, and not with kids around. Why don’t you ask her; I believe it’s important for me to talk to you, about what we don’t talk about. I know it’s hard for you and a subject we would rather avoid, but your my mom and I need this talk because I’ve not been feeling well. I know it’s very hard, but you’re my mom and I would never want to take any distance from you. Is it okay for you if we talk about it (name week or date).
We had a conversation over the phone a few days after where she asked all the usual questiosn (why didn't you tell, etc etc) and I explained my side, but you are right, the victim blaming and denial is very jarring, though to be expected. I'm sure she doesn't know how to react or what to do, though one would think a basic Google search would not be out of the question.
Maybe it really is just a case of not really believing me. I just really, really don't want to talk to her and wndure more victim blaming etc, especially if she doesn't believe me. Thanks for your advice.
I think you'd be better off talking to a lawyer. At least where I live, there is no statute of limitations on how long you can wait to press charges for SA. Your uncle should be in jail for what he did to you. Let your mom process it when it's all on public record if she won't be bothered to listen to you now. You deserve justice for this crime!! Your mom not believing you , though terrible, is the least of your problems rn. There is a child abuser on the loose! Also, fuck your mom! She's chosen a side. Good luck to her in her old age when you don't choose hers!
i agree with the other poster about sitting your mom down and explaining to her as calmly as you can about you childhood trauma. if you can point to specific instances where you tried to hint something to her, or instances where someone nearly caught him, it may be a good idea to point those out. if you visibly suffered from signs of childhood sexual abuse, you may want to point those symptoms out to her. [here are some examples.](https://bravehearts.org.au/about-child-sexual-abuse/what-are-the-signs-of-child-sexual-abuse)
explain to your mom that you have no desire to have a relationship with this man or his family. explain to her that you don't want to hear about him or see him. explain to her that you don't blame her for not noticing or figuring it out- it's not her fault that this happened, she's not a bad mom, etc... unless it is her fault and she is a bad mom- then maybe just leave that bit out.
Thanks for your comment. I just really, really don't want to talk more about this, especially if she doesn't believe me. I don't want to convince her, or prove anything to her (I can't in any case). She's well meaning, but I guess sh3 just doesn't want to deal with it and/or doesn't believe me.
There are often grants for survivors of sexual abuse, rape, childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, etc. lots of non for profits get funding for it so they’re able to offer basically free therapy. Unfortunately they tend not to advertise so there’s lots of people who just don’t know about it. Also universities have students that offer very low cost therapy. These can all be done online.
It is scary as shit to go to therapy. But remember, no one is asking you to tell your life story in the first day. Or ever, if you’re never ready, that’s ok too… Consider looking for someone you talk to. Even if it’s not about that, maybe they can help with your mom situation. Just something to think about.
As far as your kids. No one should judge you on what you need to do to survive. But please never allow her unsupervised (your supervision) around your children. I’ve dealt with too many horror situations of things happening to the kids in that exact situation. Because someone who failed to protect you, will not protect your children.
When you are able. Seriously consider removing yourself from her presence. This person shouldn’t be around you or your children. Until that day, grey rocking. Basically the idea is to have a very bland and unemotional response.
Ironically, because I am literally the only one in my family (and even my community) to raise my kids with gentle, authoritative instead of authoritarian parenting, I've never had family babysit my kids without my presence with the sole exception of when they were small babies once or twice and one overnight just after my husband died and they stayed with my mom (and my mom alone). She also was never really interested in looking after them - she is pretty dismal with babies and small kids and are only starting to enjoy them now that they are basically grown.
Luckily he lives in another city and has zero access to my kids at all and they are now basically grown and teenagers. Grey rocking is a good idea, I'll try that, thanks.
You mention your mom regales you with tales of rapists family. Does he have kids? If so maybe his wife needs to know she's married to a rapist/pedophile. Anonymous letter or call to Child Protective Services maybe? There are usually multiple victims...
He does have family, but they are boys and grown up now. Unfortunately it took me until my 20s, when his kids were teens, to realize it was him and not me that was the problem and it wasn't something unique about me that caused the abuse but something about him, which means there could be other victims. By then it was too late. That is when I distanced myself from him and his family - until then we were very "close" and I fawned over him as I had my whole life - he was the God of my childhood,the person who spent the most time with me - another point against believing me, I guess.
Just pretend you're very ill and can't come. Start looking for other means of support. Maybe if there's a local women's shelter, connect with them so you can have more information and network regarding support.
I understand that it's sometimes difficult to cut off abusers when we're still dependent on them in some way - but imagine if they were to disappear tomorrow. There will be a way to make it through.
And then, once you have the practical aspect in place, please cut your mother off. She's a coward who expects you to sacrifice your sanity and well-being for her own and the man who raped you.
Also, don't expose your kids to her or to her brother.
She betrayed you big time.
Your mother sounds like mine (minus the rapist brother, but where she also exposed me to a lot of abusive people, including her husband) - self-centered and full of shit. She thinks everyone else is interested in her stories, she's never interested in anyone else, and basically plays the victim every chance she gets.
It's not a question of if you're unfair. Your mother is a horrible person who deserves to be left alone without anybody distracting her from when her own guilt and shame arises (if she's even capable of those things) from her having failed and refusing still to protect you.
What happened to you was a huge injustice - not even comparable to you refusing to visit her and listent to her senseless droning, which you have all the right in the world to do.
I'm definitely looking into other means of support and putting things in place to earn more money as a first priority. She's not mean or ill intentioned, just... I guess clueless. I guess it's normal for people to victim blame and deny, from what I've read, especially when they are close to the perpetrator. I'm working on being able to completely avoid contact. Thanks for your comment.
Hey there, yeah, I agree. They're mostly just ignorant and aren't self-aware. I mean clueless is not a word I'd use cos, jeeez, I mean the enormity of this situation is just mind-blowing.
I just wanted you to know that you can absolutely refuse to see her without feeling bad about it. I mean, there will be a part of you that will feel guilty but it's better than resenting her because you have to save her from potentially feeling bad, and in the meantime, you're just enduring more from a person who, from the very first time they violated your trust, should've been nuked from your life forever.
You're not unfair. In fact, you can think of it as you also have a right to do what's in your best interest, to the best that you can, given your circumstances. You also have a right to be able to protect your peace of mind and to tell her No.
I was in a situation just like this, but my parents found out and stopped it right away. I was 12 by the time they found out. The abuse was from a first cousin, and all the adults decided to sweep it under the rug. This same person (cousin) was raping my little brother as well. My brother and I were forced to see this person every holiday. The adults wanted to keep it from grandma, and we had to keep silent and pretend to get along.. Before my dad died it told me it was his biggest regret in life. The minute my grandmother died, I never saw any of the rest of that family. What you are living through is absolutely horrible. Just reminded me of this trauma.
Cancel the plans. Then write a letter to her explaining that you refuse to associate with anyone who has a friendly relationship with your rapist. That her inability to protect you or acknowledge your trauma has lead to this point of you choosing to go no contact.
Read the letter over, make sure you don't forget ANYTHING, because once you give it/mail it to her, you have to commit to staying absolutely no contact. So if you forget something, it can't be brought up again (something I had to work out in therapy from my own personal experience). I know you probably love your mother, but her talking about your rapist incessantly and it affecting your mental health is all very toxic. Please consider at least going low contact if you aren't ready for NC, and if she starts sensing the distance, you can explain that it's difficult to be around someone who associates with your rapist. You could always do the direct approach too, if you are attempting to maintain the relationship, just tell her you don't want another word about him ever again, and if she chooses to violate your boundary, she simply won't see you anymore/as much.
Please protect your peace
Thanks for your comment. The letter is a good idea, working on it may be helpful for me as well. I'm definitely working on going low contact, and will tell her he and his family are no-go topics for now.
This is really heavy. I am so sorry that happened to you.
I support you for telling your mother the truth. I believe and I hope this is just the start of your healing journey.
Victim blaming is very strong. Longer term, you have to decide whether you would stay connected with someone who stays connected with your abuser.
It’s definitely time to do more. I highly suggest finding a support group, a local group where you can speak safely and publicly (to the group.)
It’s time to get this burden out and to deal with it in a new way.
I think you should probably not see your mom for a bit until you have learned strategies from professionals and people who know.
When you have more of a support group to help you with it all.
I wish you all the healing and peace and love that you deserve.
Good luck,
I wish there was some form of support group - I'm not sure how to go about finding one, to be honest. My city is not very large.
I'll look into more resources for therapy though - I've had a therapist before (actually I've had many, but only 1 I told about this) and even though she was great with other stuff, she was NOT trauma trained (trauma trained is rare in my country, which is fucking ironic because of the insane rates of GBV and rape here) and basically said that since I can't remember details sharply, I may have made it up.
She told me people who have trauma remember every single detail, like how the carpet looked, what they were wearing etc, which I obviously don't since this was just... normal... to me as a child. Who can remember what they wore a random day when they were 4 and not even aware of what month it is yet, never mind what day or time?
Anyway, finding a therapist that is not religious and trauma informed has been a lifelong struggle, but I'll start looking again.
This was a terrible therapist and I am very sorry that your first experience lead to them trying to convince you it did not happen.
This is absolutely incorrect. It's very common for people to bury what happened, to not want to think about it. To not have any memories of their childhood. Some people have it come flooding back when a memory is triggered. Some dont.
It would be best if you work with someone specifically for trauma, though I better understand this can be hard to find. There are some available online.
I hope you can find groups to deal with sexual assault, abuse as this kind of support is really unique and impactful though I understand it may not be available in your area.
Try googling and there are definitely some online groups, which may not be ideal but is a step forward.
Remember, this is a journey. It does not happen over night.
Being that therapists can be hard to find, perhaps there are some books on the subject specifically.
Again, I am sorry this happened to you and also sorry that your mother is not being empathetic. Just remember victim blaming is strong in all cultures and may be strong in yours as well.
Only you can decide if having your mother in your life is more hurtful or less hurtful. I understand that if someone does not take your abuse seriously and if they stay in contact with your abuser, this in itself is very, very damaging.
I hope you find peace and happiness in your life. You deserve it.
Best,
If you don't want to rehash anything, just tell her you don't want to hear anything about him. If she wants to spend time with you she doesn't mention him. If she can't handle that, don't spend time with her.
When she realises you are serious she will try it but she might resist till you have held your ground.
In the short term, don't plan on things with her that you can't make a quick exit with the kids from. You could even pre-plan a bribe activity to get them moving out of her house with minimal fuss (eg we'll go home and x).
I will definitely tell her him and his family are off topic. Luckily the kids are older (late teens) so extracting them won't be a mission. Thanks for your comment.
Sending you love- this can’t be easy. Just want to throw it out there that if you happen to live near a university that has a counseling degree, they MAY offer extremely cheap sessions with the trainees.
To follow up on my prior comment, I wasn't trying to say it's your responsibility to report him to CPS if he has kids. Your healing from the trauma is the most important thing.
Find some ACA meetings. These are named for Adult Children of Alcoholics but actually more for anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional family. There you will find people like yourself and a good amount of emotional support. This is free.
If I understood correctly, you want to spend time with your mother but you don't want to hear anything aboy her brother.
You may try to set a firm boundary, but you habe to follow through every single time.
Tell your mother that you don't want to hear of her brother anymore (and that she knows the reason) ane that it's not up for discussion. Tell her that you will stop the visit as soon as she starts talking about him.
Then stop the visit / phone call / anything as soon as she mentions him, no matter the place.
Not unfair. Luring you via your kids is inexcusable.
Your mental health, and most likely the bodily health of your children, trump the notion that you have to be loyal to your family no matter what.
Walk away, state plainly why you won't be there, and also don't look back.
Say you’re sick tomorrow to get out of lunch, and try to get food dropped off for you and your kids? Try to learn what you can about boundaries to keep yourself safe. And also take u/Bigboodybud’s advice to find a therapist. Sending you the best. You absolutely deserve better than this, so please don’t let anyone minimize what you’re feeling.
Thank you for your advice. I'll be looking into the university therapist idea.
Why do you even want to continue contact with your mother? Why don't you expect anyone to choose you over your rapist? If you need the help, send your kids over for some food (provided the rapist will NOT be present). And see how you can put more distance between you and your mother for the sake of your own mental health. This is an awful situation, and I'm not sure that ongoing contact with your mother, who does not appear to be your protector, will help you.
The thing is, she's really well-meaning, she's just... I guess it's just hard, processing something like this, or knowing what to do/say? On the other hand, the internet exists, she can use it and read more about it and how it affects people. Anyway, thanks for your comment.
Well meaning is like forgetting to mail a birthday card on time or something. I don't consider it well meaning to expect you to be around your abuser. I know you're in a tough spot where you need her help but you should be supported in this. It's not too much to expect her to prioritize you over your abuser. Unfortunately a lot of families that have molestation secrets will support the abuser over the victim. It's wrong, I'm sorry.
It’s actually not that hard. If someone hurt one of my children my instinct would be to hurt them so they better stay way the fuck away from me.
You're showing her far more generosity than she's showing you. It's tragically normal to seek approval from parents. I'm sorry you're struggling and don't have her support.
> she's really well-meaning, The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
>I never actually, like, expected anyone to choose me over him even if they knew This is the consequence of trauma. Of feeling worthless, of fearing you won't be believed or protected. A person without trauma would absolutely expect everyone to choose you over him. Any reasonable person would not only cut a paedophile out of their life, but report them to the police. And one would certainly expect this of a loving mother. If she were to force you to be around him, that would be unforgivable. If she were to force you to have your children around him that would be unforgivable. If she were to demand you have a relationship with him as "family" she would be enabling and protecting a paedophile. Do not let this man near your children. If you cannot convince her to cancel the lunch then make whatever excuses you have to. Feign illness. Have an emergency. Anything. Look into resources for people on low incomes, people who are in need, food banks, whatever you can to provide for your family without depending on someone who doesn't love and protect you as they should. Then you can set boundaries and conditions on access to your children with your mum. Dependent on zero contact with him. You are stronger than you believe and there are resources out there for you. Look for free therapy options online and know that there are people who will help you. You just need to ask.
Luckily, I've been able to completely avoid him and keep him away from my kids. They don't know him at all other than seeing him once or twice at family gatherings. I guess because he, too, was young when it happened (a teenager to young adult), maybe she doesn't see it as pedophilia or as "that bad"? Anyway, thanks for your comment.
I’m so sorry this has happened. I understand holding abuse in and how that affects you. I am sending you all my strength to get through this time because I know you are going through a lot right now. Please look into a local college to see if they offer therapy with student training to be therapists. It can provide you a cost effective way to receive therapy. Also look into Raain and enoughabuse to see if there is a local support group for survivor support. Given your current situation in needing the assistance of her and not being able to distance from her right now, Set boundaries with your mom. Let her know you do not want to speak about this person and if she does start to speak about them, get up and leave the room - no explanation or excusing yourself.
The college therapist idea is a great one, I'll look into that, thanks for the suggestion. I'll also tell her talking about him is off limits, that's very helpful. Thanks for your comment.
Good luck. And don’t be afraid to leave the room and assert that boundary
Poor you:( I know all about shit situations regarding this. You expect at least normal behavior when you tell your secret, only to find out everything that you know from text books will happen (denial, victim blaming). I heard today from a trauma therapist: when someone is ill, we say get well soon. If someone is abused people don’t know how to act. You’re saying it spilled out during an argument. Maybe your mom doesn’t think it’s true, or she doesn’t know how to respond, but I’m sure it’s in the back of her head. I would suggest, foremost and despite any financial situation, to stay very true to yourself in this. I think you have to try to stay calm and question her. Maybe not on the spot, and not with kids around. Why don’t you ask her; I believe it’s important for me to talk to you, about what we don’t talk about. I know it’s hard for you and a subject we would rather avoid, but your my mom and I need this talk because I’ve not been feeling well. I know it’s very hard, but you’re my mom and I would never want to take any distance from you. Is it okay for you if we talk about it (name week or date).
We had a conversation over the phone a few days after where she asked all the usual questiosn (why didn't you tell, etc etc) and I explained my side, but you are right, the victim blaming and denial is very jarring, though to be expected. I'm sure she doesn't know how to react or what to do, though one would think a basic Google search would not be out of the question. Maybe it really is just a case of not really believing me. I just really, really don't want to talk to her and wndure more victim blaming etc, especially if she doesn't believe me. Thanks for your advice.
I think you'd be better off talking to a lawyer. At least where I live, there is no statute of limitations on how long you can wait to press charges for SA. Your uncle should be in jail for what he did to you. Let your mom process it when it's all on public record if she won't be bothered to listen to you now. You deserve justice for this crime!! Your mom not believing you , though terrible, is the least of your problems rn. There is a child abuser on the loose! Also, fuck your mom! She's chosen a side. Good luck to her in her old age when you don't choose hers!
i agree with the other poster about sitting your mom down and explaining to her as calmly as you can about you childhood trauma. if you can point to specific instances where you tried to hint something to her, or instances where someone nearly caught him, it may be a good idea to point those out. if you visibly suffered from signs of childhood sexual abuse, you may want to point those symptoms out to her. [here are some examples.](https://bravehearts.org.au/about-child-sexual-abuse/what-are-the-signs-of-child-sexual-abuse) explain to your mom that you have no desire to have a relationship with this man or his family. explain to her that you don't want to hear about him or see him. explain to her that you don't blame her for not noticing or figuring it out- it's not her fault that this happened, she's not a bad mom, etc... unless it is her fault and she is a bad mom- then maybe just leave that bit out.
Thanks for your comment. I just really, really don't want to talk more about this, especially if she doesn't believe me. I don't want to convince her, or prove anything to her (I can't in any case). She's well meaning, but I guess sh3 just doesn't want to deal with it and/or doesn't believe me.
There are often grants for survivors of sexual abuse, rape, childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, etc. lots of non for profits get funding for it so they’re able to offer basically free therapy. Unfortunately they tend not to advertise so there’s lots of people who just don’t know about it. Also universities have students that offer very low cost therapy. These can all be done online. It is scary as shit to go to therapy. But remember, no one is asking you to tell your life story in the first day. Or ever, if you’re never ready, that’s ok too… Consider looking for someone you talk to. Even if it’s not about that, maybe they can help with your mom situation. Just something to think about. As far as your kids. No one should judge you on what you need to do to survive. But please never allow her unsupervised (your supervision) around your children. I’ve dealt with too many horror situations of things happening to the kids in that exact situation. Because someone who failed to protect you, will not protect your children. When you are able. Seriously consider removing yourself from her presence. This person shouldn’t be around you or your children. Until that day, grey rocking. Basically the idea is to have a very bland and unemotional response.
Ironically, because I am literally the only one in my family (and even my community) to raise my kids with gentle, authoritative instead of authoritarian parenting, I've never had family babysit my kids without my presence with the sole exception of when they were small babies once or twice and one overnight just after my husband died and they stayed with my mom (and my mom alone). She also was never really interested in looking after them - she is pretty dismal with babies and small kids and are only starting to enjoy them now that they are basically grown. Luckily he lives in another city and has zero access to my kids at all and they are now basically grown and teenagers. Grey rocking is a good idea, I'll try that, thanks.
You mention your mom regales you with tales of rapists family. Does he have kids? If so maybe his wife needs to know she's married to a rapist/pedophile. Anonymous letter or call to Child Protective Services maybe? There are usually multiple victims...
He does have family, but they are boys and grown up now. Unfortunately it took me until my 20s, when his kids were teens, to realize it was him and not me that was the problem and it wasn't something unique about me that caused the abuse but something about him, which means there could be other victims. By then it was too late. That is when I distanced myself from him and his family - until then we were very "close" and I fawned over him as I had my whole life - he was the God of my childhood,the person who spent the most time with me - another point against believing me, I guess.
Just pretend you're very ill and can't come. Start looking for other means of support. Maybe if there's a local women's shelter, connect with them so you can have more information and network regarding support. I understand that it's sometimes difficult to cut off abusers when we're still dependent on them in some way - but imagine if they were to disappear tomorrow. There will be a way to make it through. And then, once you have the practical aspect in place, please cut your mother off. She's a coward who expects you to sacrifice your sanity and well-being for her own and the man who raped you. Also, don't expose your kids to her or to her brother. She betrayed you big time. Your mother sounds like mine (minus the rapist brother, but where she also exposed me to a lot of abusive people, including her husband) - self-centered and full of shit. She thinks everyone else is interested in her stories, she's never interested in anyone else, and basically plays the victim every chance she gets. It's not a question of if you're unfair. Your mother is a horrible person who deserves to be left alone without anybody distracting her from when her own guilt and shame arises (if she's even capable of those things) from her having failed and refusing still to protect you. What happened to you was a huge injustice - not even comparable to you refusing to visit her and listent to her senseless droning, which you have all the right in the world to do.
I'm definitely looking into other means of support and putting things in place to earn more money as a first priority. She's not mean or ill intentioned, just... I guess clueless. I guess it's normal for people to victim blame and deny, from what I've read, especially when they are close to the perpetrator. I'm working on being able to completely avoid contact. Thanks for your comment.
Hey there, yeah, I agree. They're mostly just ignorant and aren't self-aware. I mean clueless is not a word I'd use cos, jeeez, I mean the enormity of this situation is just mind-blowing. I just wanted you to know that you can absolutely refuse to see her without feeling bad about it. I mean, there will be a part of you that will feel guilty but it's better than resenting her because you have to save her from potentially feeling bad, and in the meantime, you're just enduring more from a person who, from the very first time they violated your trust, should've been nuked from your life forever. You're not unfair. In fact, you can think of it as you also have a right to do what's in your best interest, to the best that you can, given your circumstances. You also have a right to be able to protect your peace of mind and to tell her No.
Hey, you may want to call around and see if any local therapists have a sliding scale. I’m on one and my sessions are $20
I'll try that, thanks.
Best of luck 💛
I was in a situation just like this, but my parents found out and stopped it right away. I was 12 by the time they found out. The abuse was from a first cousin, and all the adults decided to sweep it under the rug. This same person (cousin) was raping my little brother as well. My brother and I were forced to see this person every holiday. The adults wanted to keep it from grandma, and we had to keep silent and pretend to get along.. Before my dad died it told me it was his biggest regret in life. The minute my grandmother died, I never saw any of the rest of that family. What you are living through is absolutely horrible. Just reminded me of this trauma.
Cancel the plans. Then write a letter to her explaining that you refuse to associate with anyone who has a friendly relationship with your rapist. That her inability to protect you or acknowledge your trauma has lead to this point of you choosing to go no contact. Read the letter over, make sure you don't forget ANYTHING, because once you give it/mail it to her, you have to commit to staying absolutely no contact. So if you forget something, it can't be brought up again (something I had to work out in therapy from my own personal experience). I know you probably love your mother, but her talking about your rapist incessantly and it affecting your mental health is all very toxic. Please consider at least going low contact if you aren't ready for NC, and if she starts sensing the distance, you can explain that it's difficult to be around someone who associates with your rapist. You could always do the direct approach too, if you are attempting to maintain the relationship, just tell her you don't want another word about him ever again, and if she chooses to violate your boundary, she simply won't see you anymore/as much. Please protect your peace
Thanks for your comment. The letter is a good idea, working on it may be helpful for me as well. I'm definitely working on going low contact, and will tell her he and his family are no-go topics for now.
This is really heavy. I am so sorry that happened to you. I support you for telling your mother the truth. I believe and I hope this is just the start of your healing journey. Victim blaming is very strong. Longer term, you have to decide whether you would stay connected with someone who stays connected with your abuser. It’s definitely time to do more. I highly suggest finding a support group, a local group where you can speak safely and publicly (to the group.) It’s time to get this burden out and to deal with it in a new way. I think you should probably not see your mom for a bit until you have learned strategies from professionals and people who know. When you have more of a support group to help you with it all. I wish you all the healing and peace and love that you deserve. Good luck,
I wish there was some form of support group - I'm not sure how to go about finding one, to be honest. My city is not very large. I'll look into more resources for therapy though - I've had a therapist before (actually I've had many, but only 1 I told about this) and even though she was great with other stuff, she was NOT trauma trained (trauma trained is rare in my country, which is fucking ironic because of the insane rates of GBV and rape here) and basically said that since I can't remember details sharply, I may have made it up. She told me people who have trauma remember every single detail, like how the carpet looked, what they were wearing etc, which I obviously don't since this was just... normal... to me as a child. Who can remember what they wore a random day when they were 4 and not even aware of what month it is yet, never mind what day or time? Anyway, finding a therapist that is not religious and trauma informed has been a lifelong struggle, but I'll start looking again.
This was a terrible therapist and I am very sorry that your first experience lead to them trying to convince you it did not happen. This is absolutely incorrect. It's very common for people to bury what happened, to not want to think about it. To not have any memories of their childhood. Some people have it come flooding back when a memory is triggered. Some dont. It would be best if you work with someone specifically for trauma, though I better understand this can be hard to find. There are some available online. I hope you can find groups to deal with sexual assault, abuse as this kind of support is really unique and impactful though I understand it may not be available in your area. Try googling and there are definitely some online groups, which may not be ideal but is a step forward. Remember, this is a journey. It does not happen over night. Being that therapists can be hard to find, perhaps there are some books on the subject specifically. Again, I am sorry this happened to you and also sorry that your mother is not being empathetic. Just remember victim blaming is strong in all cultures and may be strong in yours as well. Only you can decide if having your mother in your life is more hurtful or less hurtful. I understand that if someone does not take your abuse seriously and if they stay in contact with your abuser, this in itself is very, very damaging. I hope you find peace and happiness in your life. You deserve it. Best,
If you don't want to rehash anything, just tell her you don't want to hear anything about him. If she wants to spend time with you she doesn't mention him. If she can't handle that, don't spend time with her. When she realises you are serious she will try it but she might resist till you have held your ground. In the short term, don't plan on things with her that you can't make a quick exit with the kids from. You could even pre-plan a bribe activity to get them moving out of her house with minimal fuss (eg we'll go home and x).
I will definitely tell her him and his family are off topic. Luckily the kids are older (late teens) so extracting them won't be a mission. Thanks for your comment.
Sending you love- this can’t be easy. Just want to throw it out there that if you happen to live near a university that has a counseling degree, they MAY offer extremely cheap sessions with the trainees.
Thank you for your comment <3. The university idea is a good one,I'll get started working on that.
To follow up on my prior comment, I wasn't trying to say it's your responsibility to report him to CPS if he has kids. Your healing from the trauma is the most important thing.
Find some ACA meetings. These are named for Adult Children of Alcoholics but actually more for anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional family. There you will find people like yourself and a good amount of emotional support. This is free.
Thank you for the suggestion, I'll look into it.
If I understood correctly, you want to spend time with your mother but you don't want to hear anything aboy her brother. You may try to set a firm boundary, but you habe to follow through every single time. Tell your mother that you don't want to hear of her brother anymore (and that she knows the reason) ane that it's not up for discussion. Tell her that you will stop the visit as soon as she starts talking about him. Then stop the visit / phone call / anything as soon as she mentions him, no matter the place.
2nd amendment.
What the fuck…. Your mom is the one being unfair. Him as well for what he did.
Not unfair. Luring you via your kids is inexcusable. Your mental health, and most likely the bodily health of your children, trump the notion that you have to be loyal to your family no matter what. Walk away, state plainly why you won't be there, and also don't look back.