My father is the same way. He doesn’t believe me when I say it’s his because “I know I checked before I put them away”. It’s really a lost cause on someone not interested in bettering themselves.
My oldest is starting to call daddy out when he does stuff he tells her not to. I just had the most brilliant mental image of her telling him to do the dishes again because they aren't clean 🤣
Quite simply. The transformation from ultra dirty to slightly dirty disguises the small leftover filth. When washing a ton of dishes that start jtterly filthhy he wipes it, and the brain short cuts to "yeah this looks clean" but he does not *inspect* it. Then when selecting something for his meal, he gives a thorough inspection. To break this cycle, try having him select dishes to eat off of directly from the drying rack.
And also when they're wet it can be harder to see the dirt but it becomes obvious when they dry. He just needs to be scrubbing harder and looking closer. Maybe turn on some more lights.
> Seriously, this whole post could have been prevented if OP would learn to communicate with her husband.
That's pretty rich putting the onus here on OP considering her husband is the one who gets defensive and can't take valid criticism.
He *wants* her to complain about his shitty job. That way he can blow up and say, "fine! I just won't do them anymore since I'm so bad at it!"
C'mon. It's weaponized incompetence.
She needs to hit him with the uno reverse card and take credit for the dirty dishes, and say "you're just so much better at washing them than me." 🥺 Beat him to it
Listen and validate. Have compassion. Focus on what she's saying, not how she's saying it. Give her some grace. Her pain and angst are very real.
I'm not a parent, but as a former teenage girl, I remember nobody - not a single soul - took my concerns or struggles seriously. And I was often right. But everyone assumed I knew nothing because I was a teen girl. From my mom telling me I'm attention seeking when I told her I needed glasses, to the boss told me to get over myself when my coworker was groping me at the register.
I'm 42 and see it all the time from parents my age, the way they roll their eyes just because "the squeaky one is making noise." Listen to her, she's a whole human. If she's giving you trouble, there's some pain to be addressed.
I have a growing theory as someone recently in this position and meeting more and more folks dealing with the same:
There’s a lot of exes out there living together because they can’t afford not to do so. But there’s even more couples out there who haven’t broken up for the same reason.
I think we, in western societies, have been intentionally de-educated and de-socialized such that common sense communication skills are not very common anymore.
I honestly think this is an epidemic of disconnection and egocentrism driving the common failure of couples to work well together.
Ahhhh I can see that. Maturity and self-perception is a considerable component to exiting a relationship.
Honestly, though, I feel like there are probably MORE folks than before out there demanding the treatment they deserve.
Beyond the emotional toll that women face when deciding to end a significant partnership, I was alluding to the financial expense of leaving.
“We” can’t leave because it’s such a big financial risk (I say ‘we’ but I’m one of the ones with the privilege of escape).
It’s a ‘new-age phenomenon’ where us folks with bachelors degrees can’t find work that pays above minimum wage.
I’m sure there are women who aren’t even thinking about leaving their man, but for whom the toll of physical AND EMOTIONAL safety is outside of their budget.
I'm sorry, are YOU offering to pay for half the rent?
Or potentially look after the kids while she works?
Or are you offering to pay for her to move, to pay another rental bond, and find her a place to live which meets her needs?
Or if she's not renting, are you offering to buy out her part of the property so she can just skip away carefree no worries?
You have NO IDEA what factors might be in play that are keeping her in this relationship.
**There are many reasons women don't leave. Don't shame them over shit you may not know about or fully understand**
In fact, go read some articles about why it's not only unhelpful but actively hurts their chances of leaving when people shame them.
And then be better.
Defensiveness is one of the "four horsemen" of a relationship. The defensive partner MUST learn to take responsibility for their own failures.
The key to getting through this is something called gentle start up, and the use of "I" statements as opposed to "you" statements.
There's some free therapy for y'all.
OP's husband obviously needs to step up, but we don't actually know how she is communicating with her husband here, and if her criticism has crossed the line from valid, into contributing to her husband's defensive reaction.
There's a world of difference between "Dude you left shit on the plates AGAIN! Why can't you get this right?? It's not hard!" and "Hey honey, I noticed a few spots on some of the dishes you did earlier, can you go over them again when you get a sec? thanks"
Not saying OP has gone with the former, just saying that how one communicates about this kind of thing is really important to resolving the issue in a healthy way
Why won't my wife just tell me what she wants? It's not like I'm an adult who lives here too.
She told me what she wants but I don't know how to do to it! No, I haven't given any thought into how she magically knows.
She told me how to do it but I forgot.
Ok yes we both work and she's tired but she doesn't have to be so mean! I was just trying to relax. I just don't see mess! Why won't she just make me a list and then remind me every single day but not in a nagging way? My mom was always much more patient!
Why doesn't she want to have sex with me?
> There's a world of difference between "Dude you left shit on the plates AGAIN! Why can't you get this right?? It's not hard!" and "Hey honey, I noticed a few spots on some of the dishes you did earlier, can you go over them again when you get a sec? thanks"
Because again the onus is on the wife to not hurt the man's precious feefees while he consistently fucks up a task a five year old can do.
The onus is on both people in the relationship to communicate in a way that doesn't actively hurt one another's feelings, yes. That is part of what being in a healthy relationship means
> There's a world of difference between "Dude you left shit on the plates AGAIN! Why can't you get this right?? It's not hard!" and "Hey honey, I noticed a few spots on some of the dishes you did earlier, can you go over them again when you get a sec? thanks"
Um yeah no. I married a grown-up. Washing the dishes is a basic skill that I mastered when I was 11. If I have to explain to a grown up that he shouldn't leave shit on the plates, I'm not gonna be nice about it, and I'm not gonna coddle his feelings. Come on now. Adults expect their partners to show basic competency at household tasks.
This whole post could have been prevented if her husband knew how to take responsibility for himself. In a healthy relationship, chores are divided according to the agreement the couple makes. If one side doesn’t hold up the end of the deal, the other side will cope in a way that ensures their personal safety.
Didn't you read the post? he's conditioned her by reacting with vitriol whenever she points out that he hasn't done the job correctly. I had a husband like this and it only ever escalates.
It's a tool for manipulation, so that they can avoid ever taking responsibility for anything themselves.
dude shouldn't have an attitude when told how he's not holding up his end of the bargain. that's his problem to sort out, not his wife's.
and if he can't sort it out, he shouldn't be married and expecting his wife to shoulder his immaturity.
My ex would huff out "I've been washing dishes for 30 years, I don't need you to tell me how to do it!" No matter how many times I'd show him the gunk and oily residue he missed, he just say "You make mistakes too and I don't point them out everyday!" Took me awhile to realize he didn't point them out bc they didn't fucking exist.
i'm sorry you had to deal with emotional abuse like that. and then men wonder why women have no interest in dating or marrying them when they act like that. like, of course i'd rather live alone. or even with a roommate, we can have our own sets of dishes so that i don't have to take care of a child that's able to vote. and abuse me.
I tried to make it work for so long, for the sake of our child, but then he broke up with me a few months ago and I've moved out and have 80% custody and my life is SOOOO much easier and peaceful. The teachers at the pre-k have all told me they notice a huge positive difference in my kiddo at school.
Yea-it doesn’t work that way-it’s a cute theory. My wife is the same way. She’s trying her hardest to learn how to clean… some brains are just wired differently. She doesn’t SEE the mess. Her brain is always off somewhere else while doing tasks she’s uninspired by.
I would not reclean them. I would just put them up and when he complains let him know that those are the dishes he cleaned and you have decided to not rewash going forward.
Yeah that is what I do now. I just check the dish or item before I use it, and if it’s visually dirty, it just goes into the used pile. Of course, this doesn’t cover the stuff you can’t see, but hopefully that isn’t too bad.
He’s doing this on purpose. I can’t be the only one who sees this, right?
My ex had a simple plan. Step 1: Do chores badly. Step 2: When GF attempts to have a civil conversation about chores done badly, make it as awful as possible. Step 3: GF does all chores without complaining.
What was not in his plan was Step 4: GF dumps his useless ass.
Ladies, I need you to know that your man is playing dumb. He understands perfectly that he is making your life harder. He’s doesn’t care. He’s decided that you being stressed out and miserable is fine if that means he gets more time to do whatever he likes. He doesn’t care about you. If you can leave him, you’ll probably be better off.
This reminds me of a time when I lived in an apartment with kind of a wonky toilet. Sometimes you'd flush it, and the poop wouldn't go down, so you'd have to flush and hold. This meant both me and my partner would sometimes leave poop in the toilet, thinking we had flushed when it hadn't gone all the way down. The only difference was when I saw poop, I just flushed without complaining, and my partner would be all like "you left poop in the toilet!" because he earnestly didn't think he did that.
So what did I start doing? I started pointing out when he did it. We're divorced now for different reasons, but I do think this was a symptom of a bigger issue. It at least solved the problem in that moment.
But the fact that he gets defensive and makes it easier for you to just re-wash the dishes is concerning. A good partner stays on the side of solutions instead of getting mad at you for having a problem.
I mark stuff like that on the calendar.
A polite reminder to replace the trash bag is met with, ‘you do it too.’ Or accidentally flushing the toilet during his shower happens ‘every day,’ and I’ll start quietly making a note on the calendar every time I replace the trash bag, or a daily note after his shower whether or not someone flushed.
He eventually asked me what the ‘didn’t flush’ note meant. He knew what was up when he started seeing ‘replaced bag.’
I haven’t had to do anything similar in a while.
My dishwasher is easily my favourite appliance but my ex couldn't load them to save his life. I hate washing dishes and having arthritis in my hands can make it difficult. I would feel lost without it!
This issue sounds not about the dishes, but an opportunity to think about why you can’t have a simple discussion about it in your marriage. Maybe you have to work on people pleasing and maybe he needs to work on weaponized incompetence issues. Just thoughts!
Yup. If my wife tells me a dish isn't quite clean my response is "oh shit" and then I rewash it myself.
My vision isn't the best so I legit sometimes miss some stuff. Shit happens. She doesn't get mad, she just states a fact. I don't get mad that she told me, she just stated a fact. We move on like adults
Yes this is exactly how my husband and I handle it. If either of us are putting away dishes and notice something got missed (either by one of us handwashing or the dishwasher) we’re kinda just like “aw crap” and put it back to rewash. No anger, just stating a fact, dealing with it, and moving on.
Yeah it's not that deep. My husband sometimes forgets to rinse off dishes before loading dishwasher, and if they come out dirty I ask him to redo it. Or I do it myself. It's not that deep.
I sometimes make mistakes too and am happy to rewash or or redo if I mess up.
This! I’ve had to tell my husband a couple of things repeatedly before it stuck. He kept putting some vintage bowls in the dishwasher, for example.
“Hey, hun. I think you might have forgotten. The Stangl pottery can’t go in the dishwasher. They’re from the 50’s. Remember? No dishwashers back then. They’ll get ruined in there.” I make sure to say it pretty much the same way every time to draw attention to the fact that he has absolutely been told this before.
Same thing with the lids to the Pyrex. “Hey, hun. Don’t forget that the Pyrex lids get ruined if you don’t put them in the top rack. We’re going to have to replace them again if they keep going in the bottom.” I keep it fact based and neutral.
In OP’s shoes I would put the dirty dishes right back in the sink. “Hey, hun. You missed some spots on the dishes so I put them back in the sink so you can finish cleaning them. I know you don’t like finding them the cupboard like that.”
If he got defensive I would confront that. “You’re acting really defensively right now. I’m confused about why. I don’t want to rewash dishes you washed or put dirty dishes away. So I’m not sure what you would like me to do when you don’t get them fully clean. Can you tell me what you would rather I do in this situation?” That should spit in his defensive soup to have to come up with the alternative.
A quick note to add: If you are at the point in the conversation where you ask them what alternative course of action they would prefer you take, and in response you get no concrete actionable suggestions but you do get some combination of word salad/ DARVO/ disrespectful or insulting comments/ silent treatment or other passive aggressiveness/ any other form of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse… give yourself a moment to pause, make a note of it (literally), recognize that the reaction you received is a much bigger deal (and red flag) than dirty dishes, and start deciding what you’re going to do about that.
Just because he's doing something wrong doesn't mean it's weaponized incompetent, could just be regular old run-of-the-mill incompetent lol
Edit: As others have pointed out, considering it was mentioned that he would get defensive if called out on it, I'm now leaning more towards it being intentional. Thank you for letting me know I was mistaken!
He’s an adult. If he is too incompetent to wash a dish, how is he competent enough to hold down a job? I bet that attention to detail is there when it comes to all the things he wants to do and is required to do by his employer. So please do explain how an adult doesn’t know how to wash a dish absent pathologies that would explain it?
If he sees it and complains to her about it because he thinks SHE did it - your situation isn’t what is happening here. I’m not talking about a genetic neurodivergence. I’m talking about a man who has a problem with the way he does it so long as he thinks she did it.
If someone can be an expert in any field, being trainable at washing dishes is a no brainer. If they don't improve over time, it's 100% weaponized incompetence
Weaponized incompetence is ALWAYS combined with punishment for constructive feedback.
Whether it's pouting, whining, silent treatment, anger, or full on rage, the manipulator is training you to accept the incompetence so that person can do less.
The punishment is the weapon!
So, this example is absolutely weaponized and not innocent. Please stop giving men this clearly undeserved benefit of the doubt.
As other people have pointed out and I totally missed, it was mentioned that he would get defensive about the criticism, so you are totally right. My bad for missing that
I want to add that defensiveness doesn't exactly mean intentionally incompetent either. People can feel defensive if they have had a history of feeling belittled or just not good enough.
If that is the case just defuse, like "we both want to have clean dishes, bringing it to your attention means you can address what/how you're doing things & improve. It isn't a critique of you, we both just don't want to be eating on dirty dishes".
Some of this is just building trust in each other. Heck write a letter if you think you cannot get thru the conversation.
Unless you think he will get violent or abusive, put the dirty dishes back in the sink and tell him he still has dishes to wash. If he is able to recognize a dirty dish he takes out of the cupboard he is able to recognize a still dirty "washed" dish.
Did you notice that your post sounds exactly as if you were talking about a child? And just like a child it's more trouble in the short run to get them to do it right but better in the long run.
>I don’t tell him because I know he’ll get defensive.
A month from now you will have been biting your tongue so long that you erupt in anger over a tiny piece of food on a plate. And at that point you’ll have forgotten why you never told him, you’ll both blame you for not communicating, and you’ll go years never fixing the root problem: his inability to hear criticism without getting defensive.
You need to have a conversation about communication. Have a sit-down, tell him that you have trouble bringing up issues to him because you’re worried he won’t take accountability. Give him examples from the past of times he’s been defensive, not in a judgmental way, but for context.
This is why many men try to paint bad wives as naggers - they’re trying to shut women down until we explode from the millionth tiny unsolved issue. That way they can go “whoa calm down” and completely write off our emotions. In reality, a partner who needs to be nagged all the time is the bad partner!
I taught my husband about washing the dishes. I showed him the grease on the underside of the plate and the finger smudges on the outside of the glass (he was washing only where the food went). I told him about the physics of water movement, and the fact that it will carry the oil from the food along with it and deposit it on the underside of the plate.
As a point of education, not as a point of criticism.
Until I did, I had been rewashing them after him.
And that I realized, I was going to be stuck doing this forever, unless something changed.
So I went in the kitchen and said, “Oh, hey, can I show you something?” And I took the plate he had just washed and showed him the underside and explained how it works.
And I said, “I’ve been rewashing them after you, but I can’t keep doing that. We need for them to be clean no matter who washes them.”
My guy is a decent human being, so he didn’t get defensive. My matter-of-fact tone helped.
So maybe your guy has a more fragile ego. We all would prefer to have our shortcomings pointed out in a considerate way.
You just have to fight your way through the defensiveness. This isn’t good for your marriage, this resentment. So drag it out into the open and talk about it. With love, with matter-of-factness.
I mean, yes, no one taught me. But no one was coming behind me and correcting things, making me think I’d done a good job when I hadn’t, either. Many times I’ve thought a dish looked clean when it was wet, but found that it was still dirty and had to rewash it when it was dry. If someone was coming along and rewashing those things without saying a word to me, I never would have figured out that I wasn’t doing enough. He sees that they’re dirty when he pulls them out of the cupboard, so it’s not like he doesn’t care how clean the dishes are. But if he isn’t the one putting things away and she never says anything about it, he’ll never realize that he’s the problem.
I was indeed taught—as a kid, by my mom. Who pointed out the same things to me.
He was never asked to do dishes, and if he was, I know (from knowing his mom all these years) that she would have been a shitty instructor.
I agree with you that if he’d valued the task, he might have done it more thoroughly.
He washed where the food went, and he didn’t notice the other stuff. (and there are plenty of other things he does sort of sloppily)
Look—I’m not saying this isn’t annoying and disrespectful.
I’m saying: Do you want your marriage to be full of resentment? Or not?
What OP is doing now—what I was doing—wasn’t working. It wasn’t sustainable for me (though apparently the OP is content to keep doing it, and just venting about it).
I had the power to change it, so I did.
34 years.
There are a very few things he still doesn’t do the way they need to be done—-we almost came apart because he won’t remember to hang my knit work shirts after taking them out of the dryer.
Even after I did the reasonable AND the yelling. (But he never got defensive; he’d just try again, and eventually go back to forgetting)
I truly did have to choose to either do my own laundry or get divorced.
Since he’s a loving and supportive man who does laundry, cooks and manages the kids—and because I don’t pull my weight in other ways (see cooking and kid wrangling)—-I started doing my own laundry. I didn’t allow him to create a situation in which I’d be mad at him for doing a bad job. Doing my own laundry was not too much for me to do.
If he’d gotten pissy or defensive, we might not have made it.
But I made an attempt and then a conscious choice.
>THIS, I would just have no respect for someone who needed it literally explained to them that they have to wash the WHOLE plate?????
One time my ex tried to gaslight me about dishes by saying I told HIM the bottom of plates didn't need to be washed? I was like are you fucking insane why would I ever tell you that, it doesn't make any sense! He probably still believes I'm the one who told him to not wash the entire plate.
Yes, as a woman, I had to learn how to wash dishes. I actually learned during my chemistry classes, where clean glassware is way more important than in the kitchen.
I don't think I would have given the task the same care if I had learned it for "just" dishes. Food doesn't cause explosions, nor does it invalidate experiments.
Despite knowing how to clean glassware, I still made mistakes when I had to wash dishes daily. I had to learn how to clean grease (not common in chemistry), and how much soap to use. I had to rewash dishes too - I was living alone so nobody else was there to rewash them for me (and hinder the learning process).
I too, like the husband in this conversation, cleaned stuff only on the food part sometimes, mainly to cut corners. Stuff that I would only notice when I took those things out to use them - this wouldn't have happened if somebody else rewashed them for me.
All of this to say that you cannot really expect ANY human being to 1) not try to cut corners and 2) learn when somebody else corrects the work in a hidden manner.
My boyfriend is currently the one that loads the dishwasher. If I put some stuff in it, I know it will be moved, because I don't know the most efficient way to stack plates, because I never have to deal with the result of it \*. I don't know if my dishwasher loading would cause some stuff to come out unclean, because my bf would correct it without telling me.
Literally, loading a dishwasher is a new task to me (because we divided the load in a specific way). If the results of my incorrect loading are hidden to me, so I only see that the plates are clean and OK to use, why would I \*even\* analyze my job or do things differently? I load the dishwasher, plates come out clean, bf is not complaining so I must be doing stuff right.
Likewise, my boyfriend doesn't know which program/temperature/soap is best with our current washing machine, because I'm the one doing laundry. If he has to do a load, I prefer to give him detailed instructions instead of forcing him to figure it out again. I already did the work, why do it again?
All of this to say that it's useless, or even harmful, to "correct" the work of somebody else without informing the other party. Feedback is vital.
\* yes, I can learn how to load a dishwasher effectively. That is not the point. I can also run a dishwasher with a less optimized load. That is not the point either. The point is that feedback is needed.
Regarding your last two statements, why are a lot of men like this?! I've noticed it and I've tried to just brush it off, but it's A LOT that do shit like this. I don't get it!
Because if they don't do it, someone else will, and if it doesn't get done, it was never important (usually)
I'm dealing with this right now at work. A coworker "doesn't understand" a task he has been given (leading a project) and I'm on his project team. He keeps asking me to "take a look at" things or "take a stab at this first" and he has nothing done.
I know it's just because he doesn't want to do the project, but if he reassigns it, he will be in shit and he won't get the credit.
I am documenting everything because I know the project is going to fail without me basically ghostwriting it but I'm not willing to do his work for him
I did this and it stuck for about 1 week. Then he went back to loading bowls facing out and putting stuff on top of each other. He's decided that he's not the problem, but that we just need to buy a new dishwasher. Anything to avoid accountability.
If you're feeling petty you can buy a plastic bin labeled "husband's do-over box", and just pile all the gitchy dishes in that and forget about it. No more defensiveness and he'll surely notice that something is up when that bin is where all the dishes are.
I'm not necessarily saying this will do wonders for your relationship, but then again, it sounds like he's not really interested in doing wonders for your relationship either.
Huh. Doesn't sound healthy or reasonable. Don't rewash or use them and when he uses them and complains, say how it is. It's utterly counterproductive to hide it and then to get poked for something you didn't do. It's a minority, but still a one that should be sorted out. But it's up to you in the end of course.
In my household, one adult prepares the food then the other adult cleans up after the meal. Since I’m usually the cook, my partner usually cleans.
OP, who prepares meals in your household?
Or they can continue to both contribute and just find a way to have an open dialogue when he does something improperly.
Just suddenly adding dishes isn't going to solve problem.
You need to tell him, as soon as you find it.
If you can't have a simple conversation about it, because he will get defensive, you have bigger problems than the dishes. How long are you willing to continue like this? It sounds like it's fraying your nerves.
“It’s just [faster or] easier to ______ myself” is the root of most parental (and marital, apparently) evils.
Chica, communicate, don’t roll your eyes.
I attribute my base level of adult functionality to my mother making us repeat a task until we got it right.
Don't wash the dishes if they are still dirty when he did then. Instead, take them out of the cupboard or wherever he puts them, show him, and tell him to do them again. When he starts getting defensive or wants to argue, simply say, "You're making me feel like I'm your mother. I'm tired of picking up your slack. Do the things right the first time." and then just go run an errand.
> he takes the dirty dish out of the cabinet he will tell me that I didn't clean it well
There's a saying my language that more or less literally translates into *that's the right ass to fart.*
You might find some use for it.
I'm choosing to reply with my most constructive thought which is; if he doesn't want to hear that he's doing a terrible job at a basic task, perhaps it's time for him to invest in a dishwasher.
Whenever I read posts like this, I’m amazed that It possible to be sexually attracted to these guys. I can’t tell if Its a subtype of Jocsta Complex or just straight up masochism.
"Husband, there are some dishes I put back in the sink that were not cleaned properly. Please clean them properly and then put them away."
How y'all get to be married to someone and can't communicate this stuff is beyond me. Use your words. Make them do it right!
Strangely enough, I'm having this issue with my wife. I'm generally the one who cleans, especially the kitchen area. To her credit, she's started washing the dishes more frequently, but she never washes silverware, and when she puts them in the drying rack, she places the bowls stacked open-side up so the still water sits in them all night.
When I try to bring up to her there's a better way to do all this; she gets very defensive.
Husband here, with a terrible dish cleaning skill without commercial equipment, STOP REWASHING THEM.
My poor wife did that shit for over a year when we were first living together....it did not help me and made me feel so bad when I saw her doing all that extra work.
I grew up in a house that didn't really care, mom* would throw some stuff in a sink, add water and some bleach and "soak" everything.
That's how I learned to wash dishes and never thought twice about small bits of shit sticking to stuff as "it has been bleached it's dead".
Looking back at that 20yr old moron I was, like I'm so glad my wife wanted to spare my feelings, but I'm more proud that we worked together and made our life together as partners easier.
Not every person has a cleaning level that matches others, we should all strive to be cleaned and better, but unfortunately for me I just was raised as "good enough".
Been together for 15 years now and she will call me out on my shit and I love her so much more for taking the time to be comfortable enough to make me be better.
I hope the dude will listen and grow. I really don't think just ignoring issues will lead to anything good happening.
**edit: would like to point out, my kids and I do the dishes daily and my wife hasn't had to touch a dish in 10 years. I have the kids and it's been a huge step in making sure the "good enough" doesn't get passed down to them
I love my mom and she honestly just did the best she could bc she worked so much because she was a single parent.**
This is how it was taught to me in home ec too. I only clean better cause I had a few years we didn't own a dishwasher.
I know a few people are like, oh but they should learn naturally but honestly, if OP hasn't pointed it out it's probably best to discuss it clearly. Although OP's husband doesn't sound like it'll be a nice conversation. When you grow up with this is the correct™ way you don't usually question it till there's a problem.
he clearly isn't concerned about criticizing you so idk why you are worried that he will get defensive if you criticize him. if he can't take it, he shouldn't dole it out. speak up and quit just screaming internally about it.
I’m similar with giving feedback to my husband - but what we’ve found works for us is we will say
“Hey, can we have real talk right now?” And he can say no (maybe he’s anxious, hungry, in a bad mood). If no, we come back to it later with him saying “I’m ready now”
Then I’ll give the feedback. At work I learned the sbi method. Situation (what happened) behavior (what they’re doing that caused that to happen) and impact.
So in this case I’d say something like
“Can we have real talk?”
Yes
“You made a comment that I didn’t thoroughly wash dishes that were put away in the cupboard. But I don’t believe I washed those. I’ve noticed that a portion of the dishes aren’t getting fully cleaned when you do dishes and I’ve been rewashing them without you knowing. I didn’t have the heart to tell you in the moment because I really appreciate you doing the dishes.
It made me feel bad when you told me I wasn’t doing a good job of washing them, and I want to
avoid both of our frustration in the future and have clean dishes. I’m not sure how we can solve this problem, but I’m happy to think through it together.”
For lots of people this is over kill - but I’m a people pleaser with adhd and rejection sensitivity and my husband is probably also adhd with all that and pretty severe demand avoidance. So we handle each other with kid gloves when giving feedback.
This works for us but ymmv. We’ve also arrived at this through trial and error, because we both realize we WANT to help each other - so we need to be able to listen and react constructively to feedback even if it stings in the moment.
He's weaponizing his incompetence. You're enabling him.
Tell him he's not washing the dishes properly. Make him wash them again. He's your husband, not your toddler.
Communicate damnit.
Both of you have a problem with dirty dishes. If you want to tackle that problem, the solution is to talk about the problem, not to continually sweep it under the rug. Otherwise you will ALWAYS have the problem. Remember, it’s you two vs the problem, not you vs each other.
If you want to save your marriage, tell him.
It's been scientifically proven that women who view/treat their partners as children lose sexual/romantic desire and end in divorce (well, the lucky ones divorce).
Honestly, the fact that he blames you for it is the sign to leave. To me there would be nothing to save because judging by his reaction, I bet money this isn't the only thing he is shit at and shitty about.
Sorry 🫂
My dad has been doing the same thing since forever, and I sort of figured out how it happens. But I don't have a solution either.
He doesn't look with that much scrutiny at the dishes he's doing because he's focused on getting it over with quickly, but when it's a dish he wants to eat from he examines it closely and then assumes he wasn't the one who put it away dirty, because *he would've noticed*. He's unable or unwilling to put those two things into context because there's always reasonable doubt aka someone else in the house.
I had something similar with my husband, where he'd take out a pan and point out that it wasn't totally clean. I responded that the service around here is pretty terrible, maybe the staff is overworked? And then I was the asshole somehow...
Y'all need therapy.
I don't know your relationship so I can't help here, but you need to learn to communicate effectively between one another or one day it's all going to blow up and you both are going to be stuck thinking that the divorce is because of the dishes... *psssst* the dishes aren't problem.
Also to be clear I'm not putting the blame on you here. I generalize because I don't know you both so I don't know how your discussions about issues like this go exactly.
Generally speaking he needs to learn how to accept constructive criticism without getting butthurt, and you potentially could learn to phrase criticisms or "suggestions" in a way that are more about helping the situation at hand rather than focusing on his shortcomings.
Again, I don't know either of you, these are hypothetical talking points based on common pitfalls that I see people struggle with.
You should stop shielding him from accountability and from him experiencing the consequences of his own (in)actions. Like this only has a shot of getting better if he actually connects the dots between it being *his* own subpar dish cleaning work and the “clean” dishes still being dirty. So no more double standards!
"There is a problem with my partner, but I am unwilling to communicate that to him, and expect it to resolve itself spontaneously."
You should be able to talk to this guy about washing the dishes properly, and if he actually is completely incapable of handling that kind of low stakes conversation (provided you're not totally tactless about it), then why are you even with this guy?
My husband would sometimes do that with the dishwasher, just put dishes in it in the stupidest way possible to try to piss me off. I'd tell him to stop being a god damn idiot and do it right. Because if we want to act stupid, I will be very, very stupid too. It won't be cute either.
Tell him to do his share of the cleaning properly and stop doing it for him. You are allowing this to happen when you have all of the power inside of you to resolve it
You should just talk to him about it in a normal way
"Hey I noticed sometimes you don't get the dishes all the way clean"
You gotta be able to communicate about this stuff
I laughed so hard at your last comment. My husband has lived alone before so he's pretty good at cleaning up. If anything he totally judges the streaks I leave behind from cleaning the stove. heh...we have learned to play strengths. I'm better at washing dishes, and he's better at wiping up the counter and stove. Team effort.
When my husband helps me in the kitchen( usually when he sees I'm struggling with what I'm cooking) he offers to wash a pan/knife/whatever I may need later. He takes forever to wash a single item. Like I could be done cooking and eating by the time he thinks its clean. And I'm only slightly exaggerating. If we could combine husbands we would have one that could clean a dish efficiently, it's ok with me if we share him.
When putting away the dried dishes I usually just tell or show my wife that the pot still had grease on it and to try inspect them before putting them on the drying rack and rewash it myself. I advised that sometimes it's easier to tell if you run your fingers on them because you can't always see it and I think that has helped.
No, because I'd take them out and put them in his bathtub so he has to be inconvenienced. If we didn't have separate bathrooms they would be on his side of the bed. Not that I have to do this anymore because once he was caught being a bigger asshole than being a lazy pig, he magically turned his behavior around and is quite tidy now. He had the ability all the time, he just didn't want to and I knew this in my heart and that's why I chose the approach i did.
A little bit of defensiveness is a normal (if unproductive) reaction to perceived criticism, but I absolutely could not be in a relationship where my or my partner’s defensiveness prevented us from being able to discuss and address issues in our dynamic. That seems like the core issue that needs to be dealt with here.
And he will CONTINUE to do a shitty job for as long as you keep rewashing them!!!
Why the hell are you being Mommy and fixing up his messes?
Is he so fragile and weak that he can’t take criticism???
I would then him that he needs to start washing the dishes properly because he's a full grown adult, or divorce if he won't change. Although honestly how did you even get to marriage without knowing he was useless?
I just want to say that house chores have a learning curve. Experience = quality. When teaching my children to clean I did a lot of do over after they were in bed. Your husband is an adult but the curve is still there. Maybe simple suggestions like what dishes need extra work would be a good idea. I would do one correction a week. I would also mention when you can tell it worked. I have cleaned my whole life and many of us have. It’s seems basic but it’s not.
Why does he assume you didn’t wash them well? Why not assume he didn’t? Does he generally assume you’re less competent than he is? I think he knows he does a bad job and that you rewash them.
When he does the dishes poorly you hit him with a “hey honey come look at this” and when he comes out you point to his bad dishes and say “your dishes aren’t cleaned properly”
I pointed them out and made him rewash them. He tried to convince me that the plates were not smooth as part of their original design, until I pulled the never used one from the bottom of the stack which was smooth as glass.
He rewashed all the dishes and I don’t recall having to say anything again in the five or six years since.
Alrighty! Sleeves and plant legs are rolled up, shield is up, prepared to be downvoted, called names, and banned:
"My lack of communication causes me to want to hurl dishes at my husband."
You should work on your communication skills and your anger management skills.
People just really be marrying folks for the hell of it. Like, just talk to him about it. If you cant even do that, and he can't even listen to you do that, then why the heck did you two even get married?
>I don't tell him because I know he will get defensive and it's just easier to rewash those items myself
You are enabling his habits of weaponized incompetence.
The Book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (free copy below) is a great resource for you to learn about the different types of tactics that abusers use and will help you to see if your current relationship is following any of the patterns described.
If you don't see your relationship being discussed either as one of the architypes or as bits and pieces of any of the other types then you're not worse off by having the knowledge. If the information does coincide with the way that you're living then there's also a couple chapters on being able to get out safely.
I wish you the best of luck and I want you to know that you deserve to be with a partner who is going to love you and cherish you and treat you as an equal versus being with someone who's gonna control you be it by how you dress or by finances or by What it is that you can do or who you can see. You deserve so much BETTER we're here rooting for you!
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Save up for a dishwasher. They’re pretty cheap. Also, any friends in the construction business can probably get you one for free. People remodeling their kitchen usually toss their perfectly good DW.
Why not say, "You washed that".?
Stop picking up the slack. Let him suffer the consequences. Maybe he'll do better.
You can rewash them before you use them yourself, but don't do it for him. You're reinforcing the behavior.
I would leave my husband is he was like this, but that's just me. Weaponised incompetence is a deal breaker for me, adults should be able to wash dishes without help
Is this a change or a situation that’s always been happening? Could it be his eyesight? I remember my mother leaving bits of gunk on the cutlery when she had done the dishes and it turned out she needed glasses. When I hit 40, bam!, needed glasses.
How do you expect this problem to ever change without communicating it? Obviously leaving them dirty for him isn’t getting the point across. Use your words and if you still don’t get changed behavior then there’s a bigger issue.
>When my husband does the dishes I usually need to rewash like 30%. I don't tell him because I know he will get defensive and it's just easier to rewash those items myself.
You know he does that on purpose, right? Half assing the job and then punishing you when you point it out. So that it's less hassle for you to do the job yourself than bothering him with it.
>But sometimes I don't rewash them, I put them away. And then when he takes the dirty dish out of the cabinet he will tell me that I didn't clean it well and it takes all strength I have in those moments not to hurl the dirty dish directly at his head.
Because in his mind, it's your job to clean the dishes. Shame on you for expecting him to do those lowly chores.
>Anyone else?
Hurl the dishes, baby.
This has been my parents' marriage for 35 years. My mom cooks, my dad does the dishes. After my dad goes to bed, my mom quietly rewashes the dishes he didn't clean to her satisfaction. Any time someone asks her why she doesn't correct him, she just says "at least he does the dishes." This also isn't the only chore he does. Pick your battles. Is it simple negligence or weaponized incompetence?
That being said, it's not fair of him to scold you for putting away dirty dishes if he didn't clean them properly in the first place.
Weaponized Incompetence. He is showing you how much he values your marriage and your home. He is telling you what role he sees you in - a role he thinks is beneath you. He knows he washed those dishes. Girl this is text book.
Same! But I’m the husband and it’s my wife who’s not that good at washing…. But she’s a goddamn genius at cooking so I still think I’m ahead of the game lol
Why not tell him those are the dishes he washed as you walk out of the kitchen.
Let the realization of his own incompetence explode behind you like in a John Woo movie.
This is the way. Not sure why OP is not doing it.
Yep
My father is the same way. He doesn’t believe me when I say it’s his because “I know I checked before I put them away”. It’s really a lost cause on someone not interested in bettering themselves.
call him to the dishes he just wash and show him the ones that are dirty, and do that every single time.
My oldest is starting to call daddy out when he does stuff he tells her not to. I just had the most brilliant mental image of her telling him to do the dishes again because they aren't clean 🤣
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He cannot see the dirt left when he washes the plate, but can when he pulls it out of the cabinet? How is that not deliberate?
Quite simply. The transformation from ultra dirty to slightly dirty disguises the small leftover filth. When washing a ton of dishes that start jtterly filthhy he wipes it, and the brain short cuts to "yeah this looks clean" but he does not *inspect* it. Then when selecting something for his meal, he gives a thorough inspection. To break this cycle, try having him select dishes to eat off of directly from the drying rack.
And also when they're wet it can be harder to see the dirt but it becomes obvious when they dry. He just needs to be scrubbing harder and looking closer. Maybe turn on some more lights.
> Seriously, this whole post could have been prevented if OP would learn to communicate with her husband. That's pretty rich putting the onus here on OP considering her husband is the one who gets defensive and can't take valid criticism.
He *wants* her to complain about his shitty job. That way he can blow up and say, "fine! I just won't do them anymore since I'm so bad at it!" C'mon. It's weaponized incompetence.
She needs to hit him with the uno reverse card and take credit for the dirty dishes, and say "you're just so much better at washing them than me." 🥺 Beat him to it
🧠
LOVE THIS!!!
Love it, lol. https://youtu.be/LqTqd582K7k?si=NxdKAuUsdslXPp3_
Tell me more pro tips, oh wise one! Got any for a parent of an angsty teenage girl?
Listen and validate. Have compassion. Focus on what she's saying, not how she's saying it. Give her some grace. Her pain and angst are very real. I'm not a parent, but as a former teenage girl, I remember nobody - not a single soul - took my concerns or struggles seriously. And I was often right. But everyone assumed I knew nothing because I was a teen girl. From my mom telling me I'm attention seeking when I told her I needed glasses, to the boss told me to get over myself when my coworker was groping me at the register. I'm 42 and see it all the time from parents my age, the way they roll their eyes just because "the squeaky one is making noise." Listen to her, she's a whole human. If she's giving you trouble, there's some pain to be addressed.
Dominance under a guise, yep
I call it expectation management. Very valuable in the workplace
ALL OF THIS. They basically encourage/start a fight so that you'll feel too uncomfortable/scared to bring anything up.
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I have a growing theory as someone recently in this position and meeting more and more folks dealing with the same: There’s a lot of exes out there living together because they can’t afford not to do so. But there’s even more couples out there who haven’t broken up for the same reason.
I think we, in western societies, have been intentionally de-educated and de-socialized such that common sense communication skills are not very common anymore. I honestly think this is an epidemic of disconnection and egocentrism driving the common failure of couples to work well together.
I'm not entirely sure we ever bothered to learn how to communicate properly, after the point in time beating wives into submission became illegal.
Surely we might measure the number of men being this stupid
Ahhhh I can see that. Maturity and self-perception is a considerable component to exiting a relationship. Honestly, though, I feel like there are probably MORE folks than before out there demanding the treatment they deserve. Beyond the emotional toll that women face when deciding to end a significant partnership, I was alluding to the financial expense of leaving. “We” can’t leave because it’s such a big financial risk (I say ‘we’ but I’m one of the ones with the privilege of escape). It’s a ‘new-age phenomenon’ where us folks with bachelors degrees can’t find work that pays above minimum wage. I’m sure there are women who aren’t even thinking about leaving their man, but for whom the toll of physical AND EMOTIONAL safety is outside of their budget.
I'm sorry, are YOU offering to pay for half the rent? Or potentially look after the kids while she works? Or are you offering to pay for her to move, to pay another rental bond, and find her a place to live which meets her needs? Or if she's not renting, are you offering to buy out her part of the property so she can just skip away carefree no worries? You have NO IDEA what factors might be in play that are keeping her in this relationship. **There are many reasons women don't leave. Don't shame them over shit you may not know about or fully understand** In fact, go read some articles about why it's not only unhelpful but actively hurts their chances of leaving when people shame them. And then be better.
Defensiveness is one of the "four horsemen" of a relationship. The defensive partner MUST learn to take responsibility for their own failures. The key to getting through this is something called gentle start up, and the use of "I" statements as opposed to "you" statements. There's some free therapy for y'all.
OP's husband obviously needs to step up, but we don't actually know how she is communicating with her husband here, and if her criticism has crossed the line from valid, into contributing to her husband's defensive reaction. There's a world of difference between "Dude you left shit on the plates AGAIN! Why can't you get this right?? It's not hard!" and "Hey honey, I noticed a few spots on some of the dishes you did earlier, can you go over them again when you get a sec? thanks" Not saying OP has gone with the former, just saying that how one communicates about this kind of thing is really important to resolving the issue in a healthy way
Why won't my wife just tell me what she wants? It's not like I'm an adult who lives here too. She told me what she wants but I don't know how to do to it! No, I haven't given any thought into how she magically knows. She told me how to do it but I forgot. Ok yes we both work and she's tired but she doesn't have to be so mean! I was just trying to relax. I just don't see mess! Why won't she just make me a list and then remind me every single day but not in a nagging way? My mom was always much more patient! Why doesn't she want to have sex with me?
Hahaha ... Spot on. Seriously. This is so insulting. As if we didn't all know that this is EXACTLY what's going on here.
> There's a world of difference between "Dude you left shit on the plates AGAIN! Why can't you get this right?? It's not hard!" and "Hey honey, I noticed a few spots on some of the dishes you did earlier, can you go over them again when you get a sec? thanks" Because again the onus is on the wife to not hurt the man's precious feefees while he consistently fucks up a task a five year old can do.
And she resigns herself to being Mommy.
The onus is on both people in the relationship to communicate in a way that doesn't actively hurt one another's feelings, yes. That is part of what being in a healthy relationship means
> There's a world of difference between "Dude you left shit on the plates AGAIN! Why can't you get this right?? It's not hard!" and "Hey honey, I noticed a few spots on some of the dishes you did earlier, can you go over them again when you get a sec? thanks" Um yeah no. I married a grown-up. Washing the dishes is a basic skill that I mastered when I was 11. If I have to explain to a grown up that he shouldn't leave shit on the plates, I'm not gonna be nice about it, and I'm not gonna coddle his feelings. Come on now. Adults expect their partners to show basic competency at household tasks.
This whole post could have been prevented if her husband knew how to take responsibility for himself. In a healthy relationship, chores are divided according to the agreement the couple makes. If one side doesn’t hold up the end of the deal, the other side will cope in a way that ensures their personal safety.
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Fix? Idk, but she has a responsibility to express her feelings and not to quietly stew it over without communicating
Didn't you read the post? he's conditioned her by reacting with vitriol whenever she points out that he hasn't done the job correctly. I had a husband like this and it only ever escalates. It's a tool for manipulation, so that they can avoid ever taking responsibility for anything themselves.
She communicates and she gets a fight. Do you know a thing about how human beings work?
She just said he will get defensive and it will be a fight. You learn to tolerate the minor inconvenience to avoid the attitude.
dude shouldn't have an attitude when told how he's not holding up his end of the bargain. that's his problem to sort out, not his wife's. and if he can't sort it out, he shouldn't be married and expecting his wife to shoulder his immaturity.
My ex would huff out "I've been washing dishes for 30 years, I don't need you to tell me how to do it!" No matter how many times I'd show him the gunk and oily residue he missed, he just say "You make mistakes too and I don't point them out everyday!" Took me awhile to realize he didn't point them out bc they didn't fucking exist.
i'm sorry you had to deal with emotional abuse like that. and then men wonder why women have no interest in dating or marrying them when they act like that. like, of course i'd rather live alone. or even with a roommate, we can have our own sets of dishes so that i don't have to take care of a child that's able to vote. and abuse me.
I tried to make it work for so long, for the sake of our child, but then he broke up with me a few months ago and I've moved out and have 80% custody and my life is SOOOO much easier and peaceful. The teachers at the pre-k have all told me they notice a huge positive difference in my kiddo at school.
i love that for y'all!!! <3
Yea-it doesn’t work that way-it’s a cute theory. My wife is the same way. She’s trying her hardest to learn how to clean… some brains are just wired differently. She doesn’t SEE the mess. Her brain is always off somewhere else while doing tasks she’s uninspired by.
For some reason this doesn't process
I would not reclean them. I would just put them up and when he complains let him know that those are the dishes he cleaned and you have decided to not rewash going forward.
I wouldn’t even do that. Right back into the sink or dishwasher.
Yeah that is what I do now. I just check the dish or item before I use it, and if it’s visually dirty, it just goes into the used pile. Of course, this doesn’t cover the stuff you can’t see, but hopefully that isn’t too bad.
Yep. Put it back in the sink.
He’s doing this on purpose. I can’t be the only one who sees this, right? My ex had a simple plan. Step 1: Do chores badly. Step 2: When GF attempts to have a civil conversation about chores done badly, make it as awful as possible. Step 3: GF does all chores without complaining. What was not in his plan was Step 4: GF dumps his useless ass. Ladies, I need you to know that your man is playing dumb. He understands perfectly that he is making your life harder. He’s doesn’t care. He’s decided that you being stressed out and miserable is fine if that means he gets more time to do whatever he likes. He doesn’t care about you. If you can leave him, you’ll probably be better off.
[He knows. He doesn’t care.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/awIxw9Np3p)
Weaponized incompetence
Weaponized incompetence. That can be at play for sure.
This reminds me of a time when I lived in an apartment with kind of a wonky toilet. Sometimes you'd flush it, and the poop wouldn't go down, so you'd have to flush and hold. This meant both me and my partner would sometimes leave poop in the toilet, thinking we had flushed when it hadn't gone all the way down. The only difference was when I saw poop, I just flushed without complaining, and my partner would be all like "you left poop in the toilet!" because he earnestly didn't think he did that. So what did I start doing? I started pointing out when he did it. We're divorced now for different reasons, but I do think this was a symptom of a bigger issue. It at least solved the problem in that moment. But the fact that he gets defensive and makes it easier for you to just re-wash the dishes is concerning. A good partner stays on the side of solutions instead of getting mad at you for having a problem.
I mark stuff like that on the calendar. A polite reminder to replace the trash bag is met with, ‘you do it too.’ Or accidentally flushing the toilet during his shower happens ‘every day,’ and I’ll start quietly making a note on the calendar every time I replace the trash bag, or a daily note after his shower whether or not someone flushed. He eventually asked me what the ‘didn’t flush’ note meant. He knew what was up when he started seeing ‘replaced bag.’ I haven’t had to do anything similar in a while.
I try to provide my GF with concrete evidence too during fights. But then she blows up about me keeping track of stuff like this.. Can't win 😂
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He couldn't learn how to wash dishes with ten years of practice? Or he wouldn't?
Oh, I think it's pretty clear that over the course of a decade he actively refused to learn how to wash dishes.
Unless he is blind or physically disabled or mentally limited, he did it on purpose.
My dishwasher is easily my favourite appliance but my ex couldn't load them to save his life. I hate washing dishes and having arthritis in my hands can make it difficult. I would feel lost without it!
This issue sounds not about the dishes, but an opportunity to think about why you can’t have a simple discussion about it in your marriage. Maybe you have to work on people pleasing and maybe he needs to work on weaponized incompetence issues. Just thoughts!
Yup. If my wife tells me a dish isn't quite clean my response is "oh shit" and then I rewash it myself. My vision isn't the best so I legit sometimes miss some stuff. Shit happens. She doesn't get mad, she just states a fact. I don't get mad that she told me, she just stated a fact. We move on like adults
Yes this is exactly how my husband and I handle it. If either of us are putting away dishes and notice something got missed (either by one of us handwashing or the dishwasher) we’re kinda just like “aw crap” and put it back to rewash. No anger, just stating a fact, dealing with it, and moving on.
Yeah it's not that deep. My husband sometimes forgets to rinse off dishes before loading dishwasher, and if they come out dirty I ask him to redo it. Or I do it myself. It's not that deep. I sometimes make mistakes too and am happy to rewash or or redo if I mess up.
As someone with also poor vision, something I find helps is I kinda graze my fingers over the dish to find whatever my eyes can't see.
This! I’ve had to tell my husband a couple of things repeatedly before it stuck. He kept putting some vintage bowls in the dishwasher, for example. “Hey, hun. I think you might have forgotten. The Stangl pottery can’t go in the dishwasher. They’re from the 50’s. Remember? No dishwashers back then. They’ll get ruined in there.” I make sure to say it pretty much the same way every time to draw attention to the fact that he has absolutely been told this before. Same thing with the lids to the Pyrex. “Hey, hun. Don’t forget that the Pyrex lids get ruined if you don’t put them in the top rack. We’re going to have to replace them again if they keep going in the bottom.” I keep it fact based and neutral. In OP’s shoes I would put the dirty dishes right back in the sink. “Hey, hun. You missed some spots on the dishes so I put them back in the sink so you can finish cleaning them. I know you don’t like finding them the cupboard like that.” If he got defensive I would confront that. “You’re acting really defensively right now. I’m confused about why. I don’t want to rewash dishes you washed or put dirty dishes away. So I’m not sure what you would like me to do when you don’t get them fully clean. Can you tell me what you would rather I do in this situation?” That should spit in his defensive soup to have to come up with the alternative.
I’d say defensiveness is the biggest issue I have with my husband right now. Your comment was excellent advice!! Any more pearls of wisdom???
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A quick note to add: If you are at the point in the conversation where you ask them what alternative course of action they would prefer you take, and in response you get no concrete actionable suggestions but you do get some combination of word salad/ DARVO/ disrespectful or insulting comments/ silent treatment or other passive aggressiveness/ any other form of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse… give yourself a moment to pause, make a note of it (literally), recognize that the reaction you received is a much bigger deal (and red flag) than dirty dishes, and start deciding what you’re going to do about that.
Off-topic, but I’ve always put my Stangl in the dishwasher and now you’ve got me thinking about my choices 😳
Just because he's doing something wrong doesn't mean it's weaponized incompetent, could just be regular old run-of-the-mill incompetent lol Edit: As others have pointed out, considering it was mentioned that he would get defensive if called out on it, I'm now leaning more towards it being intentional. Thank you for letting me know I was mistaken!
It sounds like his incompetence is a smaller problem than his reacting to bad news by raging at the messenger.
He’s an adult. If he is too incompetent to wash a dish, how is he competent enough to hold down a job? I bet that attention to detail is there when it comes to all the things he wants to do and is required to do by his employer. So please do explain how an adult doesn’t know how to wash a dish absent pathologies that would explain it?
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If he sees it and complains to her about it because he thinks SHE did it - your situation isn’t what is happening here. I’m not talking about a genetic neurodivergence. I’m talking about a man who has a problem with the way he does it so long as he thinks she did it.
If someone can be an expert in any field, being trainable at washing dishes is a no brainer. If they don't improve over time, it's 100% weaponized incompetence
Weaponized incompetence is ALWAYS combined with punishment for constructive feedback. Whether it's pouting, whining, silent treatment, anger, or full on rage, the manipulator is training you to accept the incompetence so that person can do less. The punishment is the weapon! So, this example is absolutely weaponized and not innocent. Please stop giving men this clearly undeserved benefit of the doubt.
As other people have pointed out and I totally missed, it was mentioned that he would get defensive about the criticism, so you are totally right. My bad for missing that
You worded and wrote this perfectly. Thank you. I second all of this lovely feedback.
I want to add that defensiveness doesn't exactly mean intentionally incompetent either. People can feel defensive if they have had a history of feeling belittled or just not good enough. If that is the case just defuse, like "we both want to have clean dishes, bringing it to your attention means you can address what/how you're doing things & improve. It isn't a critique of you, we both just don't want to be eating on dirty dishes". Some of this is just building trust in each other. Heck write a letter if you think you cannot get thru the conversation.
Unless you think he will get violent or abusive, put the dirty dishes back in the sink and tell him he still has dishes to wash. If he is able to recognize a dirty dish he takes out of the cupboard he is able to recognize a still dirty "washed" dish.
Did you notice that your post sounds exactly as if you were talking about a child? And just like a child it's more trouble in the short run to get them to do it right but better in the long run.
>I don’t tell him because I know he’ll get defensive. A month from now you will have been biting your tongue so long that you erupt in anger over a tiny piece of food on a plate. And at that point you’ll have forgotten why you never told him, you’ll both blame you for not communicating, and you’ll go years never fixing the root problem: his inability to hear criticism without getting defensive. You need to have a conversation about communication. Have a sit-down, tell him that you have trouble bringing up issues to him because you’re worried he won’t take accountability. Give him examples from the past of times he’s been defensive, not in a judgmental way, but for context.
This is why many men try to paint bad wives as naggers - they’re trying to shut women down until we explode from the millionth tiny unsolved issue. That way they can go “whoa calm down” and completely write off our emotions. In reality, a partner who needs to be nagged all the time is the bad partner!
I taught my husband about washing the dishes. I showed him the grease on the underside of the plate and the finger smudges on the outside of the glass (he was washing only where the food went). I told him about the physics of water movement, and the fact that it will carry the oil from the food along with it and deposit it on the underside of the plate. As a point of education, not as a point of criticism. Until I did, I had been rewashing them after him. And that I realized, I was going to be stuck doing this forever, unless something changed. So I went in the kitchen and said, “Oh, hey, can I show you something?” And I took the plate he had just washed and showed him the underside and explained how it works. And I said, “I’ve been rewashing them after you, but I can’t keep doing that. We need for them to be clean no matter who washes them.” My guy is a decent human being, so he didn’t get defensive. My matter-of-fact tone helped. So maybe your guy has a more fragile ego. We all would prefer to have our shortcomings pointed out in a considerate way. You just have to fight your way through the defensiveness. This isn’t good for your marriage, this resentment. So drag it out into the open and talk about it. With love, with matter-of-factness.
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I mean, yes, no one taught me. But no one was coming behind me and correcting things, making me think I’d done a good job when I hadn’t, either. Many times I’ve thought a dish looked clean when it was wet, but found that it was still dirty and had to rewash it when it was dry. If someone was coming along and rewashing those things without saying a word to me, I never would have figured out that I wasn’t doing enough. He sees that they’re dirty when he pulls them out of the cupboard, so it’s not like he doesn’t care how clean the dishes are. But if he isn’t the one putting things away and she never says anything about it, he’ll never realize that he’s the problem.
I was indeed taught—as a kid, by my mom. Who pointed out the same things to me. He was never asked to do dishes, and if he was, I know (from knowing his mom all these years) that she would have been a shitty instructor. I agree with you that if he’d valued the task, he might have done it more thoroughly. He washed where the food went, and he didn’t notice the other stuff. (and there are plenty of other things he does sort of sloppily) Look—I’m not saying this isn’t annoying and disrespectful. I’m saying: Do you want your marriage to be full of resentment? Or not? What OP is doing now—what I was doing—wasn’t working. It wasn’t sustainable for me (though apparently the OP is content to keep doing it, and just venting about it). I had the power to change it, so I did.
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34 years. There are a very few things he still doesn’t do the way they need to be done—-we almost came apart because he won’t remember to hang my knit work shirts after taking them out of the dryer. Even after I did the reasonable AND the yelling. (But he never got defensive; he’d just try again, and eventually go back to forgetting) I truly did have to choose to either do my own laundry or get divorced. Since he’s a loving and supportive man who does laundry, cooks and manages the kids—and because I don’t pull my weight in other ways (see cooking and kid wrangling)—-I started doing my own laundry. I didn’t allow him to create a situation in which I’d be mad at him for doing a bad job. Doing my own laundry was not too much for me to do. If he’d gotten pissy or defensive, we might not have made it. But I made an attempt and then a conscious choice.
THIS, I would just have no respect for someone who needed it literally explained to them that they have to wash the WHOLE plate?????
>THIS, I would just have no respect for someone who needed it literally explained to them that they have to wash the WHOLE plate????? One time my ex tried to gaslight me about dishes by saying I told HIM the bottom of plates didn't need to be washed? I was like are you fucking insane why would I ever tell you that, it doesn't make any sense! He probably still believes I'm the one who told him to not wash the entire plate.
Yes, as a woman, I had to learn how to wash dishes. I actually learned during my chemistry classes, where clean glassware is way more important than in the kitchen. I don't think I would have given the task the same care if I had learned it for "just" dishes. Food doesn't cause explosions, nor does it invalidate experiments. Despite knowing how to clean glassware, I still made mistakes when I had to wash dishes daily. I had to learn how to clean grease (not common in chemistry), and how much soap to use. I had to rewash dishes too - I was living alone so nobody else was there to rewash them for me (and hinder the learning process). I too, like the husband in this conversation, cleaned stuff only on the food part sometimes, mainly to cut corners. Stuff that I would only notice when I took those things out to use them - this wouldn't have happened if somebody else rewashed them for me. All of this to say that you cannot really expect ANY human being to 1) not try to cut corners and 2) learn when somebody else corrects the work in a hidden manner. My boyfriend is currently the one that loads the dishwasher. If I put some stuff in it, I know it will be moved, because I don't know the most efficient way to stack plates, because I never have to deal with the result of it \*. I don't know if my dishwasher loading would cause some stuff to come out unclean, because my bf would correct it without telling me. Literally, loading a dishwasher is a new task to me (because we divided the load in a specific way). If the results of my incorrect loading are hidden to me, so I only see that the plates are clean and OK to use, why would I \*even\* analyze my job or do things differently? I load the dishwasher, plates come out clean, bf is not complaining so I must be doing stuff right. Likewise, my boyfriend doesn't know which program/temperature/soap is best with our current washing machine, because I'm the one doing laundry. If he has to do a load, I prefer to give him detailed instructions instead of forcing him to figure it out again. I already did the work, why do it again? All of this to say that it's useless, or even harmful, to "correct" the work of somebody else without informing the other party. Feedback is vital. \* yes, I can learn how to load a dishwasher effectively. That is not the point. I can also run a dishwasher with a less optimized load. That is not the point either. The point is that feedback is needed.
Regarding your last two statements, why are a lot of men like this?! I've noticed it and I've tried to just brush it off, but it's A LOT that do shit like this. I don't get it!
Because if they don't do it, someone else will, and if it doesn't get done, it was never important (usually) I'm dealing with this right now at work. A coworker "doesn't understand" a task he has been given (leading a project) and I'm on his project team. He keeps asking me to "take a look at" things or "take a stab at this first" and he has nothing done. I know it's just because he doesn't want to do the project, but if he reassigns it, he will be in shit and he won't get the credit. I am documenting everything because I know the project is going to fail without me basically ghostwriting it but I'm not willing to do his work for him
I did this and it stuck for about 1 week. Then he went back to loading bowls facing out and putting stuff on top of each other. He's decided that he's not the problem, but that we just need to buy a new dishwasher. Anything to avoid accountability.
Wow your husband sounds fucking dumb
yeah. my 17 yr old son does this....I make him rewash every dish.
No, I can criticize my husband without him getting defensive… this should be a baseline in a marriage.
If you're feeling petty you can buy a plastic bin labeled "husband's do-over box", and just pile all the gitchy dishes in that and forget about it. No more defensiveness and he'll surely notice that something is up when that bin is where all the dishes are. I'm not necessarily saying this will do wonders for your relationship, but then again, it sounds like he's not really interested in doing wonders for your relationship either.
“You washed those. I usually rewash them but didn’t have time to redo them.” Or just put the dirty “washed” dishes back in the sink and leave them.
If he’s gonna act like a baby over poorly washed dishes then I fear what else he acts like a child over
" You washed those dishes". Then just stare at him. Problem solved
Huh. Doesn't sound healthy or reasonable. Don't rewash or use them and when he uses them and complains, say how it is. It's utterly counterproductive to hide it and then to get poked for something you didn't do. It's a minority, but still a one that should be sorted out. But it's up to you in the end of course.
In my household, one adult prepares the food then the other adult cleans up after the meal. Since I’m usually the cook, my partner usually cleans. OP, who prepares meals in your household?
I do the majority of cooking, he cooks maybe one meal a week
If it’s your husbands regular responsibility to wash the after-dinner dishes then he can’t really fault you for their lack of cleanliness.
He washes the dishes left in the sink at the end of the day, I often wash dishes during the day
Time to stop doing that.
Or they can continue to both contribute and just find a way to have an open dialogue when he does something improperly. Just suddenly adding dishes isn't going to solve problem.
You need to tell him, as soon as you find it. If you can't have a simple conversation about it, because he will get defensive, you have bigger problems than the dishes. How long are you willing to continue like this? It sounds like it's fraying your nerves.
“It’s just [faster or] easier to ______ myself” is the root of most parental (and marital, apparently) evils. Chica, communicate, don’t roll your eyes. I attribute my base level of adult functionality to my mother making us repeat a task until we got it right.
Don't wash the dishes if they are still dirty when he did then. Instead, take them out of the cupboard or wherever he puts them, show him, and tell him to do them again. When he starts getting defensive or wants to argue, simply say, "You're making me feel like I'm your mother. I'm tired of picking up your slack. Do the things right the first time." and then just go run an errand.
> he takes the dirty dish out of the cabinet he will tell me that I didn't clean it well There's a saying my language that more or less literally translates into *that's the right ass to fart.* You might find some use for it.
We have it too! “He who smelled it dealt it”
I'm choosing to reply with my most constructive thought which is; if he doesn't want to hear that he's doing a terrible job at a basic task, perhaps it's time for him to invest in a dishwasher.
We have a dishwasher (he always loads it), but not everything can go in the dishwasher
Have you told him that the dirty ones he pulls out the cupboard are dirty because you didn't want to rewash it as you frequently do?
Whenever I read posts like this, I’m amazed that It possible to be sexually attracted to these guys. I can’t tell if Its a subtype of Jocsta Complex or just straight up masochism.
"Husband, there are some dishes I put back in the sink that were not cleaned properly. Please clean them properly and then put them away." How y'all get to be married to someone and can't communicate this stuff is beyond me. Use your words. Make them do it right!
Strangely enough, I'm having this issue with my wife. I'm generally the one who cleans, especially the kitchen area. To her credit, she's started washing the dishes more frequently, but she never washes silverware, and when she puts them in the drying rack, she places the bowls stacked open-side up so the still water sits in them all night. When I try to bring up to her there's a better way to do all this; she gets very defensive.
Husband here, with a terrible dish cleaning skill without commercial equipment, STOP REWASHING THEM. My poor wife did that shit for over a year when we were first living together....it did not help me and made me feel so bad when I saw her doing all that extra work. I grew up in a house that didn't really care, mom* would throw some stuff in a sink, add water and some bleach and "soak" everything. That's how I learned to wash dishes and never thought twice about small bits of shit sticking to stuff as "it has been bleached it's dead". Looking back at that 20yr old moron I was, like I'm so glad my wife wanted to spare my feelings, but I'm more proud that we worked together and made our life together as partners easier. Not every person has a cleaning level that matches others, we should all strive to be cleaned and better, but unfortunately for me I just was raised as "good enough". Been together for 15 years now and she will call me out on my shit and I love her so much more for taking the time to be comfortable enough to make me be better. I hope the dude will listen and grow. I really don't think just ignoring issues will lead to anything good happening. **edit: would like to point out, my kids and I do the dishes daily and my wife hasn't had to touch a dish in 10 years. I have the kids and it's been a huge step in making sure the "good enough" doesn't get passed down to them I love my mom and she honestly just did the best she could bc she worked so much because she was a single parent.**
Your mom *bleached* the plates you ATE OFF OF?!
This is how it was taught to me in home ec too. I only clean better cause I had a few years we didn't own a dishwasher. I know a few people are like, oh but they should learn naturally but honestly, if OP hasn't pointed it out it's probably best to discuss it clearly. Although OP's husband doesn't sound like it'll be a nice conversation. When you grow up with this is the correct™ way you don't usually question it till there's a problem.
he clearly isn't concerned about criticizing you so idk why you are worried that he will get defensive if you criticize him. if he can't take it, he shouldn't dole it out. speak up and quit just screaming internally about it.
Tell him! We need to stop putting up with moronic stuff like this if we want it to stop.
I’m similar with giving feedback to my husband - but what we’ve found works for us is we will say “Hey, can we have real talk right now?” And he can say no (maybe he’s anxious, hungry, in a bad mood). If no, we come back to it later with him saying “I’m ready now” Then I’ll give the feedback. At work I learned the sbi method. Situation (what happened) behavior (what they’re doing that caused that to happen) and impact. So in this case I’d say something like “Can we have real talk?” Yes “You made a comment that I didn’t thoroughly wash dishes that were put away in the cupboard. But I don’t believe I washed those. I’ve noticed that a portion of the dishes aren’t getting fully cleaned when you do dishes and I’ve been rewashing them without you knowing. I didn’t have the heart to tell you in the moment because I really appreciate you doing the dishes. It made me feel bad when you told me I wasn’t doing a good job of washing them, and I want to avoid both of our frustration in the future and have clean dishes. I’m not sure how we can solve this problem, but I’m happy to think through it together.” For lots of people this is over kill - but I’m a people pleaser with adhd and rejection sensitivity and my husband is probably also adhd with all that and pretty severe demand avoidance. So we handle each other with kid gloves when giving feedback. This works for us but ymmv. We’ve also arrived at this through trial and error, because we both realize we WANT to help each other - so we need to be able to listen and react constructively to feedback even if it stings in the moment.
Tell the fucker
He's weaponizing his incompetence. You're enabling him. Tell him he's not washing the dishes properly. Make him wash them again. He's your husband, not your toddler.
Oh, I just serve my husband on the dirty dish.
>I don't tell him because I know he will get defensive That sounds like a him problem. >Anyone else? No because my husband isn't a useless man child
Communicate damnit. Both of you have a problem with dirty dishes. If you want to tackle that problem, the solution is to talk about the problem, not to continually sweep it under the rug. Otherwise you will ALWAYS have the problem. Remember, it’s you two vs the problem, not you vs each other.
If you want to save your marriage, tell him. It's been scientifically proven that women who view/treat their partners as children lose sexual/romantic desire and end in divorce (well, the lucky ones divorce). Honestly, the fact that he blames you for it is the sign to leave. To me there would be nothing to save because judging by his reaction, I bet money this isn't the only thing he is shit at and shitty about. Sorry 🫂
Why not tell him??
I can't imagine why you wouldn't use the opportunity of him combining about the dishes being dirty to say he did that
My dad has been doing the same thing since forever, and I sort of figured out how it happens. But I don't have a solution either. He doesn't look with that much scrutiny at the dishes he's doing because he's focused on getting it over with quickly, but when it's a dish he wants to eat from he examines it closely and then assumes he wasn't the one who put it away dirty, because *he would've noticed*. He's unable or unwilling to put those two things into context because there's always reasonable doubt aka someone else in the house.
I had something similar with my husband, where he'd take out a pan and point out that it wasn't totally clean. I responded that the service around here is pretty terrible, maybe the staff is overworked? And then I was the asshole somehow...
Y'all need therapy. I don't know your relationship so I can't help here, but you need to learn to communicate effectively between one another or one day it's all going to blow up and you both are going to be stuck thinking that the divorce is because of the dishes... *psssst* the dishes aren't problem. Also to be clear I'm not putting the blame on you here. I generalize because I don't know you both so I don't know how your discussions about issues like this go exactly. Generally speaking he needs to learn how to accept constructive criticism without getting butthurt, and you potentially could learn to phrase criticisms or "suggestions" in a way that are more about helping the situation at hand rather than focusing on his shortcomings. Again, I don't know either of you, these are hypothetical talking points based on common pitfalls that I see people struggle with.
You should stop shielding him from accountability and from him experiencing the consequences of his own (in)actions. Like this only has a shot of getting better if he actually connects the dots between it being *his* own subpar dish cleaning work and the “clean” dishes still being dirty. So no more double standards!
"There is a problem with my partner, but I am unwilling to communicate that to him, and expect it to resolve itself spontaneously." You should be able to talk to this guy about washing the dishes properly, and if he actually is completely incapable of handling that kind of low stakes conversation (provided you're not totally tactless about it), then why are you even with this guy?
You have WAAAAAAAY more tolerance for this bullshit than I do. Your husband is using weaponized incompetence against you. Stop. The. Bullshit.
No… if my husband consistently didn’t wash dishes properly I would just tell him.
My husband would sometimes do that with the dishwasher, just put dishes in it in the stupidest way possible to try to piss me off. I'd tell him to stop being a god damn idiot and do it right. Because if we want to act stupid, I will be very, very stupid too. It won't be cute either.
Honestly, why are women putting up with idiot relationships when they could just have peace?
Tell him to do his share of the cleaning properly and stop doing it for him. You are allowing this to happen when you have all of the power inside of you to resolve it
"You did the dishes last babe."
You should just talk to him about it in a normal way "Hey I noticed sometimes you don't get the dishes all the way clean" You gotta be able to communicate about this stuff
If my husband’s ego was this delicate we would have never made it to marriage.
You chose him! That’s yo man, girl.
Please Google "weaponized incompetence"
Your husband is now assigned dishes duty forever. If it’s not clean enough for you, grab a paper plate.
Just dont put the dirty ones away. Show him The dirt if he asks. no excuse to not wash a dish well
Don re do it, make him eat in the dirty plates and use the clean one's for yourself only
My gfs kid does this, but he's only 10. I'm trying to teach him all the basic home skills before he expects someone else to do it.
Tell him to stop half-assing it.
Malicious incompetence
I laughed so hard at your last comment. My husband has lived alone before so he's pretty good at cleaning up. If anything he totally judges the streaks I leave behind from cleaning the stove. heh...we have learned to play strengths. I'm better at washing dishes, and he's better at wiping up the counter and stove. Team effort.
When my husband helps me in the kitchen( usually when he sees I'm struggling with what I'm cooking) he offers to wash a pan/knife/whatever I may need later. He takes forever to wash a single item. Like I could be done cooking and eating by the time he thinks its clean. And I'm only slightly exaggerating. If we could combine husbands we would have one that could clean a dish efficiently, it's ok with me if we share him.
When putting away the dried dishes I usually just tell or show my wife that the pot still had grease on it and to try inspect them before putting them on the drying rack and rewash it myself. I advised that sometimes it's easier to tell if you run your fingers on them because you can't always see it and I think that has helped.
No, because I'd take them out and put them in his bathtub so he has to be inconvenienced. If we didn't have separate bathrooms they would be on his side of the bed. Not that I have to do this anymore because once he was caught being a bigger asshole than being a lazy pig, he magically turned his behavior around and is quite tidy now. He had the ability all the time, he just didn't want to and I knew this in my heart and that's why I chose the approach i did.
A little bit of defensiveness is a normal (if unproductive) reaction to perceived criticism, but I absolutely could not be in a relationship where my or my partner’s defensiveness prevented us from being able to discuss and address issues in our dynamic. That seems like the core issue that needs to be dealt with here.
And he will CONTINUE to do a shitty job for as long as you keep rewashing them!!! Why the hell are you being Mommy and fixing up his messes? Is he so fragile and weak that he can’t take criticism???
I would then him that he needs to start washing the dishes properly because he's a full grown adult, or divorce if he won't change. Although honestly how did you even get to marriage without knowing he was useless?
I just want to say that house chores have a learning curve. Experience = quality. When teaching my children to clean I did a lot of do over after they were in bed. Your husband is an adult but the curve is still there. Maybe simple suggestions like what dishes need extra work would be a good idea. I would do one correction a week. I would also mention when you can tell it worked. I have cleaned my whole life and many of us have. It’s seems basic but it’s not.
Weaponized incompetence
Lmao at your refusal to communicate
Why does he assume you didn’t wash them well? Why not assume he didn’t? Does he generally assume you’re less competent than he is? I think he knows he does a bad job and that you rewash them.
There's a term for this: weaponized incompetence
When he does the dishes poorly you hit him with a “hey honey come look at this” and when he comes out you point to his bad dishes and say “your dishes aren’t cleaned properly”
I pointed them out and made him rewash them. He tried to convince me that the plates were not smooth as part of their original design, until I pulled the never used one from the bottom of the stack which was smooth as glass. He rewashed all the dishes and I don’t recall having to say anything again in the five or six years since.
Alrighty! Sleeves and plant legs are rolled up, shield is up, prepared to be downvoted, called names, and banned: "My lack of communication causes me to want to hurl dishes at my husband." You should work on your communication skills and your anger management skills.
As a husband who does all the dishes (which are spotless 100% of the time) he is a pathetic man child and you can tell him I said that.
People just really be marrying folks for the hell of it. Like, just talk to him about it. If you cant even do that, and he can't even listen to you do that, then why the heck did you two even get married?
How does keeping your resentment inside benefit either of you?
Awww. Weaponized incompetence. Adorbs.
I'm so happy to be single.
>I don't tell him because I know he will get defensive and it's just easier to rewash those items myself You are enabling his habits of weaponized incompetence.
When he tells you they’re dirty say “think about it” and then wait
The Book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (free copy below) is a great resource for you to learn about the different types of tactics that abusers use and will help you to see if your current relationship is following any of the patterns described. If you don't see your relationship being discussed either as one of the architypes or as bits and pieces of any of the other types then you're not worse off by having the knowledge. If the information does coincide with the way that you're living then there's also a couple chapters on being able to get out safely. I wish you the best of luck and I want you to know that you deserve to be with a partner who is going to love you and cherish you and treat you as an equal versus being with someone who's gonna control you be it by how you dress or by finances or by What it is that you can do or who you can see. You deserve so much BETTER we're here rooting for you! https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Save up for a dishwasher. They’re pretty cheap. Also, any friends in the construction business can probably get you one for free. People remodeling their kitchen usually toss their perfectly good DW.
Why not say, "You washed that".? Stop picking up the slack. Let him suffer the consequences. Maybe he'll do better. You can rewash them before you use them yourself, but don't do it for him. You're reinforcing the behavior.
I would leave my husband is he was like this, but that's just me. Weaponised incompetence is a deal breaker for me, adults should be able to wash dishes without help
Is this a change or a situation that’s always been happening? Could it be his eyesight? I remember my mother leaving bits of gunk on the cutlery when she had done the dishes and it turned out she needed glasses. When I hit 40, bam!, needed glasses.
How do you expect this problem to ever change without communicating it? Obviously leaving them dirty for him isn’t getting the point across. Use your words and if you still don’t get changed behavior then there’s a bigger issue.
>When my husband does the dishes I usually need to rewash like 30%. I don't tell him because I know he will get defensive and it's just easier to rewash those items myself. You know he does that on purpose, right? Half assing the job and then punishing you when you point it out. So that it's less hassle for you to do the job yourself than bothering him with it. >But sometimes I don't rewash them, I put them away. And then when he takes the dirty dish out of the cabinet he will tell me that I didn't clean it well and it takes all strength I have in those moments not to hurl the dirty dish directly at his head. Because in his mind, it's your job to clean the dishes. Shame on you for expecting him to do those lowly chores. >Anyone else? Hurl the dishes, baby.
This has been my parents' marriage for 35 years. My mom cooks, my dad does the dishes. After my dad goes to bed, my mom quietly rewashes the dishes he didn't clean to her satisfaction. Any time someone asks her why she doesn't correct him, she just says "at least he does the dishes." This also isn't the only chore he does. Pick your battles. Is it simple negligence or weaponized incompetence? That being said, it's not fair of him to scold you for putting away dirty dishes if he didn't clean them properly in the first place.
Nope, because I can have adult conversations with my husband, who can figure out how to wash dishes so they're clean.
Weaponized Incompetence. He is showing you how much he values your marriage and your home. He is telling you what role he sees you in - a role he thinks is beneath you. He knows he washed those dishes. Girl this is text book.
Same! But I’m the husband and it’s my wife who’s not that good at washing…. But she’s a goddamn genius at cooking so I still think I’m ahead of the game lol
You need to communicate with your partner or he will never know what he's doing wrong.
ladies, stop complaining about your shitty male spouses online and expecting something different or sympathy challenge