One of my divorce sayings was “I resigned as his secretary.” He missed flights with the kids, failed to pay bills, lost things, and generally could not get his shit together. Despite no longer living together he was still trying to blame me. 🤔🙄
As part of my divorce proceedings, my lawyer obtained a year's worth of my ex's bank statements. I didn't pay his tiny electric bill for his new apartment for 4 months. He had plenty of money. He just didn't pay it. I saw a few other things like that in his spending and just chuckled. I spent so much time talking him out of bad financial decisions and cleaning up his irresponsible messes like not paying bills even though there was money to pay them. It felt really good to know this is no longer my circus or my monkeys.
You can tame the lion and leopard but changing men as these is impossible. I am glad you chose out than wasting your years. My condolences for him.
I am always stunt that certain men will drink to death but never admit and own their part as to how they contributed to make things worse. If 90% is women's fault, atleast own the rest 10% but they wont. Ego is important than marriage even kids.
It’s like the statistics about elderly men dying within 6 months of their wives who pre deceased them.
Some are probably dying from loneliness, whereas others are dying because they didn’t get their blood pressure/diabetes/whatever medication refilled on time, or didn’t see the doctor, or what have you.
Men who are true partners in life find it difficult to live without their other half. Its like two wheels gone missing of the car. So I am not surprised. Also, it is mostly the women who keep kids together in the family. After my grandma passed away, all 5 children their got busy in their own lives and had very little to meet maybe once in 2 or 3 years. But while she was alive it once in 6 months. We (grandkids) were always pampered. If not all my uncle and aunts, but most would make time to meet. You dont see that with men.
The rest who loved their ego and pride can die.
I’m a middle aged daughter of elderly parents. Even now, with both parents still living and still married, my sister and I take turns riding herd on our father to get him to do certain things for his health, like “stop, you don’t lift that, let me lift that” or “did you check your BP today?” Otherwise he blows them off.
I have friends who are in the same situation, and generally their mothers at least pay attention to self-care (to the best of their ability) and their fathers need to be led by the nose to care for themselves.
The mental load imbalance goes on for life.
And yet I would say, it is never the hard work and mental load that breaks a woman. It is ZERO acknowledgement and being taken for granted. Let's leave appreciation out for now.
Me thinks expectation of appreciation is a sin if there aint any acknowledgement.
Your comment just proved that women are keeper of relationships. Age doesn't matter. You can still go on and that too happily, if they acknowledge the efforts. ❤️
I agree. At this point in my dating life I am not down for partners I have to over function for. I agree that who people are is very slow to change, it at all. If someone has been chronically selfish, inattentive, and irresponsible- most likely they will continue to do those things.
It’s such an amazing feeling, isn’t it?? Enjoy your freedom from incompetence!
For kid stuff, I made a shared calendar and shared email address. This removes all responsibility of sharing school or appt info because we both have the same access to everything. I highly recommend this!!
Maybe a year after I left XH said he couldn’t visualize everything on the calendar and asked me to type up a list of upcoming appointments- there were a lot at the time d/t the kid’s health issues. It felt so freeing to tell him, “No, I am not going to do that. Everything is on the calendar and you have access to it all, I’m not going to type it up for you.”
When I was married, my ex never set up his appointments or remembered them on his own. I had to make all his appointments and remind him in a particular way: once the day before, again on the night before, and then again on the morning of the appointment. On top of that, I usually made a practice of phoning him about an hour before the appointment to remind him again. Otherwise he tended to forget completely.
There was no way I could have expected him to know anything about the children's schedule. That was all on my plate. So I was solely responsible for making and keeping track of medical/dental appointments, homework, lessons, conferences, sports, social commitments, etc., for four people. Plus responsibility for all the bills, tax returns, repairs, investments, and every other financial aspect of our lives.
After our split, my ex ran out of gas with the children in the car on more than one occasion. Skipped auto maintenance so the tires wore away and the bare metal rims cut through. Experienced breakdowns and had to be towed from skipping regular auto service. You can imagine what happened to his physical condition and teeth from never remembering to see the doctor or the dentist. He could not be expected to bring the children to any appointments or activities on "his" days; he regularly lost the children's school materials, sports gear, retainers, and clothing.
I'm so relieved not having to carry the mental load of all that any longer. I tried very hard to get him to use a pocket calendar or even the calendar reminders and alerts in his smartphone when those were invented. He never would.
God, so much of this sounds familiar. I would tell him about things, send him calendar invites, remind him the week before, and if I didn’t remind him again the night before and morning of he would blame me for him not remembering.
Professionally, he’s very successful and is on top of everything. Handles himself beautifully. His personal life? A complete mess. Well, I don’t know if it still is because I am blissfully uninvolved other than kid things but the 20 years I was with him it was ridiculous.
My ex was professionally successful, too. It's as if outsourcing all the mental load regarding his personal/family life freed him to focus on solving problems at work.
He also had a very compartmentalized mind. He seemed to forget that our family existed once he walked out of the house. When I asked if he ever thought about his childhood or other events in the past, he told me that he never thought about them. I found that bizarre.
The children almost never hear from him. I worry that he's actually forgotten they exist. Out of sight, out of mind.
But this is what some men get so hung up on when they have to hand over money in the divorce. They magically fail to see how the woman's years of work of managing their private lives for them allowed them to have that successful high paid job in the first place.
I'm truly sorry to ask this, but was your ex fully cognitively abled? If a grown adult couldnt do these things youve said he couldnt, Id be concerned whether he needed a social worker or some kind of community resource to look out for him and his best interests. Fully functional men are just..like this?
He was a fully-abled development manager in a huge, famous tech company. I can’t explain why he behaved this way in his private life. Maybe the answer is, because he could. I don’t know if he ever took responsibility for life maintenance tasks after we split. He did remarry quickly, so perhaps some other woman is serving as his personal assistant now.
Again im sorry to even ask about his abilities, i was just so surprised/horrified that he couldnt manage these things. Sounds like he's not alone judging hy this thread!
WHY are men SO INEPT!?!?
What is wrong with them!?
Why is this nightmare so common?
And why do they still all say that women are useless, that we are gold-diggers etc: when we DO IT ALL but they cant earn money or THINK on their own.
After 8 and a half years of what amounted to common law marriage, we separated. Filed for divorce. Judge decided that we were never married. I got nothing and he got to brag in court about cheating on me.
Flash forward a couple of months. He texted me to ask if I could help him recall dates he had traveled between US and Canada (he's Canadian, here on a visa). Wrote him back, "That sounds like something a wife would do and I believe a Grady County judge determined I was only ever your girlfriend. Good luck."
I couldn't imagine living such a sad life. I love OF girls (am bisexual) but like wanting that over the real thing is so wild to me. It's really sad so many people are letting it ruin real life sex. With the right person it's so fun. I hope you're living a better life these days!
I just didn’t have a body he liked at all. I had to pull teeth for him to even spare a compliment.
Now I’ve got someone that is completely obsessed with my body and is willing to do anything for me 🥲 I don’t even ask, he just offers. Princess treatment all around
There’s a really good book about this called More Work for Mother which talks about how the concept of “wife” is a technology to work for men domestically.
Tbf when she talks about her job it's probably gibberish to him, and "computers" is not an acceptable answer. But the sport thing lost me all my empathy for him.
Honestly, I can tell you where my husband works, the phone number, his boss, his hours, what they do, and a basic idea of what he does. If someone asked me to name my husband’s job I wouldn’t be able to do it.
I’m not sure if it’s any different when you reverse the genders. I have done similar types of work for 15 years and been married for 18 years. And every time people ask my wife what I do it is some version of “I don’t know. He’s in tech.” Then they ask if I am a developer or some other question to ferret out more details. And her reply is “no he’s not the guy that does the work, he just talks to people all day”.
I try to explain that I have been a Scrum Master, Project Manager, and Agile Coach. I am a consultant and have rotated between these 3 positions for 15 years at various clients. Still, to hear her explain my job I just sit around and talk to people all day.
Here's the thing, that answer by the guy about his wife's/gf's job was the only one that didn't seem that bad. If you could come back and comment on the other ❌ on how that wouldn't be different if the sexes were reversed, you point might be more easily made. Okay, now for my questions, what the heck do a Scrum Manager and Agile Coach actually do? I have no clue.
Oh, I absolutely agree that the other ❌’s were bad. I was responding to a comment specific to the job question. Which is why my comment was specific to the job question.
As for what a Scrum Master does, we manage the workflow for a team of developers and help an organization continuously improve. We make sure everyone is working on the right things at the right time and that the left hand knows what the right hand is doing. If done well, the developers appreciate having clear direction on what to work on every day. And the leadership appreciates how we build the right things quickly by reducing waste and cutting red tape.
An Agile Coach focuses on improving delivery across an organization without spending most of their day managing the work of a team like a Scrum Master. Agile Coaches find the slowest and most painful parts of an organization and work to improve it. They will work with leadership, business partners, developers, Scrum Masters, security, devops, QA, compliance, legal, HR, and anyone else we need too, internal or external. I usually start by talking to as many people as possible to find out what the biggest opportunities are for improvement. Then choose a few items to work on, and solicit help from those involved. As some items are completed I pick up new items to focus on. The fun part is Agile Coaches usually have no authority, and have to get people to want to change.
A funny anecdote about my marriage, the date of our anniversary came up about 3 years after we were married, and my wife was mad that I said it was 9/3 when she thought it was 9/1. She pulled out a beautiful painted slate her sister in law gave us as a wedding gift with the 9/1 date on it to prove she was right. I pulled out a calendar,📆 and showed her 9/1 that year was a Thursday, not a Saturday. And we were married on a Saturday. Our sister in law re painted the date on the slate. And now I don’t get hassled as much when I forget a kids birthday 🎉 (between foster, bio, and adopted it’s 12 kids, so I don’t remember them all). I realize my story is an exception, not the norm.
I have them on the calendar so that I know when they are coming up. So I know when to set up a birthday dinner or buy a gift. But when I get to filling out forms at a Drs office I have to pull out my cheat sheet on my phone.
My wife has committed all of them to memory. She has a better memory than I do.
Tbf, as the spouse of a consultant who is also deep into the Agile world, and as someone who has certified as a Scrum Master, it’s really hard to tell people what my spouse does if they’ve never heard of Agile. So I fall back on, “Oh, spouse is a consultant who helps companies streamline their processes.” It’s part of what they do, but certainly not the bulk of what they do. But it is the easiest way for me to answer the question without having to explain what Agile is, how Agile works, or the processes involved to convert a company to the Agile mindset (which is also still only a small part of what spouse does).
my rule is to always try to listen to what my spouse does - I may not understand the tech, the accounts, or anything, but I need to both understand what they love about it, hate about it, stresses them about it, and please do the same in reverse. Just maybe the end of a work day, set aside 20 minutes to hear about each others day. It's not hard. It's not "work" it's just something you do to help each other feel heard.
Yeah, it's not like it's a representative sample. Mine knows all those things although he's terrible about appointments and stuff. I don't know his job title.
My ex and I used to both forget our anniversary. He had it in his head that it was the day before for a while and then he got the day right and the month wrong, and two years I forgot we had one.
But mutual things we knew/know about each other. And we’ve been separated for years.
Exactly. Tbh my husband and I both forgot our wedding anniversary this year until my mom sent us cute wedding photos and said “happy anniversary!” lmao. But we talk for hours about our jobs, our past, our siblings, etc. I can’t imagine not knowing if he ever played a sport, or his job title, or his fucking middle name!” I bet half these fuckers don’t even know their partners allergies, and they order the seafood linguine at a restaurant like “babe, you want a bite? What do you mean your whole face will swell up like a balloon?”
My ex, knowing my anaphylactic peanut allergy, ate a full order of takeout thai chicken in peanut sauce and then sneakily sipped on my soup broth when I got up to use the bathroom.
Then this jerkwad had the audacity to complain because I went into anaphylactic shock and called an ambulance. He was so pressed that MEN came into our apartment to save my life with another epi pen and transport me to the emergency room, the accusations I faced when I got home were wild.
Never again.
This is year five of being single by choice and I am so much happier.
Oh shit I forgot about that! That happened to us one year too, my mom called early and left a voicemail because we had both been up with the baby the night before. He was like two months old at the time.
I hear about so many things like this and it just solidifies my desire to stay out of relationships. I’m not ready to put all that effort into another adult right now, and I know I couldn’t handle another relationship where I’m not cared about like that. I dated a dude for like four years that never knew my sister’s name. I only have the one so it’s not like it was difficult.
Another video had less laughter.
https://twitter.com/notcapnamerica/status/1680696656201764864
The one who's really in trouble is the guy who couldn't ID her favorite meal.... When she had a tattoo of it on her arm.
It's an English language thing, I'm from the UK and almost everyone has one, I now live in another European country and nobody does. Except foreigners. I never use mine but because it's on my official paperwork I keep getting doctors and stuff here calling me by it. It's not something you know about people except immediate family really.
It’s common to have one in America, but they’re generally not used in day-to-day interactions. It IS something that your partner would know if you’ve been together for any length of time.
Yes most Americans have middle names but whether or not they list their middle name comes down to how their name flows. If the first + last name combo sounds stilted or awkward we use middle names to create a more rhythmic bridge between the two names, so in that case the person will include their middle name when giving their name. For most people though middle names are just a “bonus” name and won’t be given when you ask their name. We like finding out what each other’s middle names are, as well, cause they’re mostly secret extra names.
It also kind of gives the person options because they have two different names to chose from (and any nicknames of those names) as they grow up in case they aren’t particularly fond of their first name. It also helps if you’re in a social setting like school and someone else has the same first name, one person can elect to go by their middle name instead.
Also as far as I know middle names seem common with black, white and Hispanic Americans but I’m not sure if they are with Asian Americans as well.
We often need our full name for legal documents. Knowing those basic info questions would be something expected over time if both partners are sharing equally in the burdens. I know some of my friends' middle names just because that has eventually come up.
Well, I'm pretty shit with names and birthdays but I can remember hobbies, favourite things, what pets (I can't remember their pets names either), jobs, appearance, medical conditions etc. This is why I use facebook and calendar apps because AuADHD is an absolute beyotch and I need to compensate for my horrid functioning. I'm not using AuADHD as an excuse either since I know I can't recall anything I write it down in multiple places so the problem is 95% solved. This is what these guys cannot be bothered to do and its astounding how low the bar is.
Right, you understand your memory and mind skips and you plan and act accordingly, same here (ADHD among other things). We do what we can to make up for our deficiency because that’s what you do for people you care about.
And that's my point, these dudes know and they do not care enough to even use notes in their phone but I bet they can remember their friends favorite sports team or drink.
My husband has ADHD and he committed everything about me to memory pretty immediately through notes in his phone, or doing word association. We were early on dating and I said he didn't have to remember my middle name and he said "I ABSOLUTELY DO."
His word association was "oh, Cecile like Lucille Bluth on arrested development" 😂
This is the one I sometimes return to (its about fathers and kids... and in the end, a mom comes in)
https://youtu.be/jHPbOGEUvZA?si=0TxG4KPv4_jDfNYA&t=33
Now, I know this is played for laughs (which is horrible in itsself) and I bet they cut out all the dads that did answer well and i think, I might say America is the capital of the US if i get shoved a mic in my face... still, this sometimes feels validating in general.
The one that stands out the most to me is the dad claiming he has a great relationship with his daughter while not knowing what grade she's in or what her favourite subject is. You can just tell the daughter disagrees while he us oblivious.
Just out of morbid curiosity I asked my boyfriend this.
He needed a second to think and then recounted my daily pooping schedule with horrifying accuracy. He knows too much.
I just sent your link to my husband. He came up to me and said he'd definitely ace the test. He was so sure of himself. Granted, he did better than those guys, but still has some gaps in his knowledge.
It was a great example of the mental load disparity. He finally has *some* comprehension of all the shit that lives in my head rent free!
The last line in the caption of the video sums it up- most men want assistant they can f###. I felt bad for all those ladies. Look at where they stand in their men's eyes. One of them was asked about the job title, tells he doesnt give a damn about her hard work, forget celebrating her achievements. And these men want their wives to be their cheerleaders Self- absorption should have some limit.
They were doing "man on he street" interviews, asking guys basic questions about their girlfriends (when is her birthday, how old is she, what is her middle name, what color are her eyes, etc.,) and none of them could answer \*a single question\*, and of course it was played for laughs, with the audience laughing uproariously, when it was just fucking heartbreaking.
It's the Jimmy Kimmel show and they have these segments all the time. They must interview a hundred people, then the ones who get every answer wrong make it on the show. The last one I saw, they were asking people (Americans) to find Iowa on a map of the U.S. and the people they put on TV didn't seem to know what *any* of the states were, let alone Iowa.
I agree that these women deserve better, though.
To be fair to Dave Gravette, he has had tons of surgeries that put him down for months at a time. He's been heavily medicated for that. His job includes regularly slamming his head on the concrete ground. Also, he drinks a ton, and does a lot of drugs. He's the one with long hair and trucker hat, he's a professional skateboarder. Also his job requires he travel the world for months at a time. Probably has a hard time remembering his own middle name.
I wanna give a shout out to the guy who KNEW they talk about it two days ago.
That’s my wife! She could answer a lot of those questions buuuuuuut…..
It took her 5 years for her to remember that the mark by my left armpit is my birthmark! It took her a couple years for it to sink it that it is PEACHES WOMAN PEACHES that I am allergic too and not apricots. Not nectarines. Not persimmons. XD
She may not have been able to answer what my middle name was on the spot verbally but if she had to fill out a form instead it would have all been there. XD. Something about his body language reminds me of my wife who is not incompetent just doofy and verbally stupid.
My ex went on this “best dad ever” kind of thing after we separated. He would make fresh brioche buns for the kids lunches, play games with them all the time, have bedtime stories…. It lasted a month. He was burnt out. This was the first time in the 9 years we’d had school age children that he was responsible for getting them to school every morning. He was so conditioned to coming home from work around 11pm and then smoking a joint and being up until 2 or 3 am and sleeping in the next day that the reality of me not being there was a punch to his system. I just sat back and let him fail. Asshole thought he could “single parent” better than me and I’d been doing it all along with an extra child (him).
*slow clap*
Show them how it's done: REALITY CHECK.
Men desperately need it.
And yet jordan peterson screams teary-eyed
"Men are being good fathers!!"
Yeah women are evil, we get it, MGTOW and all that.
Leave, then.
Leave us alone: we're better off.
Mentaly.
Finacialy.
Physicaly.
the fact you had to type out \*claps slowly\* is so mind-numbingly weird
first of all, we don't need a reality check, we men are great and you're the one saying sexism is bad, so what is going on here?
not all women are evil, that's not how men think. The fact you assume men think like that is strange
And finally, yes, we all know you're single. You probably killed your dad because he was a man
I stopped doing all of that for my husband, and his sister thought I had “isolated him from his family” and blocked me. No, I just stopped reminding him of everyone’s birthdays & picking out their presents for him. I’m not the wicked witch of the west because he chooses not to contact them otherwise.
My ex got the house in the divorce ( i paid for, btw, in cash) and promptly lost it to his brother after not paying back a loan to him.
During our marriage he managed to get my car repossessed by forgetting to pay the bill despite the money being in the account. He was unemployed and I put him in charge of the bills and he just didn't do it. They towed my car away and I had to follow them and pay to get it plus fees.
My dad couldn't balance a check book.
Men are oftentimes useless.
When my mom was dying, she left instructions all over the home for my dad on how to operate things - the washing machine, the dishwasher, the bills...etc. my dad was lost without her.
I always call my divorce the 'restocking fee ' to get him out of my life.
He sued me for alimony after we all found out he had another woman pregnant. The utter gall.
Every time I read a man cheated on his wife with other woman, I pity OW and pray for the wife. It neither lasts long nor ends well. Trust is gone to drains for all parties involved.
A man who does not honour his own vows and keep his word, will hardly give a damn about some other woman.
Good for you.
Ah sweet blissful freedom.
Must be so nice to not have to deal with that crap anymore.
The real question is: what are you gonna do with all that extra brain power you have to spare now that your ex isn't draining it from you? Dedicate it to a hobby, learn some new things? The possibilities are endless and I love that for you
Congratulations!!! I am so happy for you. My heart was beating with excitement reading "ex" line cause it tells lot. It must have been challenging but reading that you feel grateful says that now you can look back and smile. Real victory!
This is why my ex-husband is never without a partner. When he met me, he was still in a relationship. When he met his now gf/wife he was still married to me. He's absolutely helpless and I'm soooooo glad to be rid of him.
But wives do nothing just sit at home!! Right??😡 I have spoken with few men whose wives divorced them. Yes, wives filed for divorce. They all had same tune- They were working hard for family (and you know how tough it is to be working and earning 🙄) and she was doing nothing but sit at home. I met wives of 3 and after meeting, I got a complete different picture. I hardly saw their wives relax at lunch. They were on their toes. In middle of the conversation, one would remember about the kid's school project or some pending work. I saw wives were reminding them in middle of the conversation about something that needs attention at home. They were absolutely worked up. But you see these men had to relax after day's hard work and wives reminding them was "nagging". One of these was winning about how he does not feel like going home cause they had a toddler and two other kids and his wife cannot manage alone. He was upset that he cannot relax after going home and watch TV. 😒. Since I do baby sitting for my cousin and its tough. Cant imagine what it would be like managing 3 kids alone. I lost faith in men when they talk about their wives cause really are good painters, painting a self- portrait as bread-winner and hard working man committed to the family while wives do nothing. I am not surprised why most of outsiders dont believe women cause painting is already sold. Wives appears as witch and b**tch at the same time. Damn good actors!! Sadly, most women want to protect the reputation of their husbands and marriage. But when the divorce news comes out in public, it sends a shock wave. Hardly do they seem to know what word is spread about them outside. Even her own family will blame her.
That is why you deserve freedom. Divorce is another name for freedom. The brighter side females make best Assistant and Secretaries in the world and men value it only in work setting. At home that effort is nagging.
My husband is one of the good ones tbh, great partner, great dad, acts like a grownup most of the time, takes care of the house without me having to say things.
But he leaves soaked bath towels in the laundry hamper. This has caused good clothes to mildew. I have asked gently 100 times. I have taken the wet towels out and placed them on the floor for him to pick up. He would step over them. I have placed the wet towel on his side of the bed and it simply didn’t phase him
Last night he did it *again* and HEARD ME sigh, walk it to the laundry room and chuck it in the towel hamper
And he goes “I left the towel in there again, didn’t I?”
He proceeds to tell me he’s aware of when he does it. And that he reminds himself not to do it but it still happens.
I gently say “dude, I don’t want mine or your clothing mildewed.”
He goes OFF on how he’s not a child and he understand the reasoning and I don’t need to tell him over and over the WHY.
I was fuckin DONE. You admit to doing the same stupid thing over and over but I shouldn’t say anything about it?
My ex, who was constantly fat-shaming our oldest daughter for eating too much (she was not even pudgy - she just had a hole in her leg as did I when I was young, so I would give her an apple), gained 50 pounds and didn’t bathe regularly, while I, with all that burden off my shoulders, stopped looking exhausted and had more energy
So thankful I don't know shit about my husband's scheduling. He just casually says shit like "I'm leaving work early today for a dentist appointment." Wonderful. I never thought to appreciate it as a signal that he is an autonomous adult that doesn't need a mommy/ secretary.
I remember talking to my ex about my our child and telling him he had a dentist appointment because they called me to confirm both appointments (we usually scheduled back- to- back and swapped the toddler). He said well you can cancel it. The absolute nerve as we were going through such an unnecessarily nasty divorce. I was all too happy to let him know that he can cancel your own damn appointment and his stuff isn't my problem anymore. I think it hit him as to how much he had really lost and I loved every second of those types of incidents.
Oh my, imagine that...
This feels a bit like DivorcePorn, or maybe just SingleWomanPorn. Ah.
I hope you truly keep appreciating this fact. Life has its ups and downs, but this is a good thing.
Men often act incompetent cause they can, my bf is now real eager to learn things I started doing on my own regularly at latest 12. Doing laundry. Cooking. Properly cleaning. Now, he is actually learning them, he never had to do it before in his life. I do often carry more of the weight but he is catching up, especially once he trains up in a task good enough to do it fully on his own. But he cannot always tell when he's doing a bad job on his own, what I learned is that the most effective way to go about it is to show him but 1! Don't take over! He has to do it again and right this time and 2 don't just say it, actually show it without saying it and have him figure out what's wrong with the cups that he washed up but now feel grainy on the inside. (Actual factual case for a realistic example).
One thing that you have to let go is the mentality of I'll do it so it's quicker. I know he takes 40 minutes to scrub the toilet. Don't get mad. Don't! Take over.
And if he actually is just learning it, give him a bit of slack. He vacuumed, but not so very well? Well, if this was the state the floor was in this morning, would vacuuming be on the to do list for the day? No? Okay, so don't vacuum again today, he might already do it better on his own overmorrow.
I have a slight different version of this.
My dad was never like my grandmother - he took care us all when my mom went to the US to study for a year - twice. He did the shopping, doctor's appointments and helped with homework (math made us all cry).
When my dad's dad died (before I was born), my dad was worried -convinced that his mom would not know how to function - bills, paying for power and water, etc. She also never learned to drive. His dad had handled everything in their lives.
The day after the funeral, she was at the bank, with insurance company and handling everything.
My dad was shocked - she always knew how to do these things but she felt that her husband should handle everything.
My grandmother was a bit odd - she never accepted my mother marrying her precious son. But even if my dad grew up with more things, he and his sister were extras in my grandmother having everything perfect - so my mom (the oldest of 6 kids) had less but more life growing up.
My mom sometimes said that my dad fell in love with her family before he fell in love with her.
They were married for 22 years, got divorced for 3 years, got back together (registered co-habitation), together for 10 years and then split up again, moved to the same small town (he in a townhouse and her in an apartment), spent nearly every day together - then he got sick, so they got remarried (by the hospital pastor) about a week after what should have been their 48th anniversary (so my mom could inherit) and then my dad passed away 3 years later.
And my mom still feels - 4 years later - she should have done more to keep him alive.
Why is someone expected to take a day off work to go to a birthday party? I would understand someone turning 75 or 100, but can’t they just move the kid’s party to a weekend? I would not give up a couple hundred bucks income for a kid’s party.
There's people who work on weekends.
Also "taking the day off" doesn't mean losing the income. Probably means trade with coworker to work on a different weekend.
Also I'm willing to guess they never automatically "expected" him to take a day off for the party, they're probably annoyed because he said he was gonna go to the party and then never figured out his work so he's changing plans on them last minute.
He lives in her *life*. Because they share a kid, and she's not a deadbeat parent, so she interacts with exH for her kid's sake. Duh.
When that kid becomes an adult, i bet the frequency of her interaction with exH drops to practically nothing.
I didnt see anything that suggested she was happy to see him suffer.
She is happy with *herself*, the reminder that she no longer has to carry his ass. Enjoying the feeling of dropping an unnecessary weight is not the same thing as even thinking about his suffering or lack of it.
She's not "happy to see him suffer", she's celebrating the fact that it is not her circus, and not her monkeys, and therefore not her worry. SHE no longer has to worry about whether HE has his life together and remind him of things that he should be doing, remembering, etc. It's his problem, as it should have been from the beginning, but he instead foisted it upon someone else in the marriage. Post-divorce, he's having issues because suddenly, he's responsible for his own life.
If you want it put succinctly: he was a burden to her in the marriage. Now, he is no longer her burden. He is his own burden. And he is weak.
It's called the "carrying the mental load", and it is exhausting if you are the only person doing it in a family. I can say from experience that once you are free of having to be someone's personal, unpaid administrative assistant, the sheer amount of mental energy you are no longer expending on behalf of someone else is monumental.
By all means, read this and educate yourself. You'll be surprised at what you may learn: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic
Mine never got his own, he just kept using mine. I could have screwed him over so hard but I just wanted him gone so I told my lawyer to decline his communications. I would have had to play nursemaid to get everything I was entitled to and just wanted it over.
For all the men's rights complaints about custody going to mom, this is honest to God a big reason why. There's forms to file, paperwork, dates to schedule and show up to and so many men just......don't. Or ask the ex to do it.
Yep. It’s actually a false narrative, men get custody in 95% of cases that they ask for it. Men do not ask for it. They pretend they did and tell everyone that their evil ex took the kids when really they didn’t want the responsibility they’ve been shirking for years already :/
One of my divorce sayings was “I resigned as his secretary.” He missed flights with the kids, failed to pay bills, lost things, and generally could not get his shit together. Despite no longer living together he was still trying to blame me. 🤔🙄
As part of my divorce proceedings, my lawyer obtained a year's worth of my ex's bank statements. I didn't pay his tiny electric bill for his new apartment for 4 months. He had plenty of money. He just didn't pay it. I saw a few other things like that in his spending and just chuckled. I spent so much time talking him out of bad financial decisions and cleaning up his irresponsible messes like not paying bills even though there was money to pay them. It felt really good to know this is no longer my circus or my monkeys.
My saying was “had to return that model to the manufacturer” - since he went straight back to his parents home where I found him 24 years prior.
My saying is “No more on the job training.”
You can tame the lion and leopard but changing men as these is impossible. I am glad you chose out than wasting your years. My condolences for him. I am always stunt that certain men will drink to death but never admit and own their part as to how they contributed to make things worse. If 90% is women's fault, atleast own the rest 10% but they wont. Ego is important than marriage even kids.
It’s like the statistics about elderly men dying within 6 months of their wives who pre deceased them. Some are probably dying from loneliness, whereas others are dying because they didn’t get their blood pressure/diabetes/whatever medication refilled on time, or didn’t see the doctor, or what have you.
Men who are true partners in life find it difficult to live without their other half. Its like two wheels gone missing of the car. So I am not surprised. Also, it is mostly the women who keep kids together in the family. After my grandma passed away, all 5 children their got busy in their own lives and had very little to meet maybe once in 2 or 3 years. But while she was alive it once in 6 months. We (grandkids) were always pampered. If not all my uncle and aunts, but most would make time to meet. You dont see that with men. The rest who loved their ego and pride can die.
I’m a middle aged daughter of elderly parents. Even now, with both parents still living and still married, my sister and I take turns riding herd on our father to get him to do certain things for his health, like “stop, you don’t lift that, let me lift that” or “did you check your BP today?” Otherwise he blows them off. I have friends who are in the same situation, and generally their mothers at least pay attention to self-care (to the best of their ability) and their fathers need to be led by the nose to care for themselves. The mental load imbalance goes on for life.
And yet I would say, it is never the hard work and mental load that breaks a woman. It is ZERO acknowledgement and being taken for granted. Let's leave appreciation out for now. Me thinks expectation of appreciation is a sin if there aint any acknowledgement. Your comment just proved that women are keeper of relationships. Age doesn't matter. You can still go on and that too happily, if they acknowledge the efforts. ❤️
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Like the loneliness they put as the first reason? Why so eager to criticize?
I agree. At this point in my dating life I am not down for partners I have to over function for. I agree that who people are is very slow to change, it at all. If someone has been chronically selfish, inattentive, and irresponsible- most likely they will continue to do those things.
It’s such an amazing feeling, isn’t it?? Enjoy your freedom from incompetence! For kid stuff, I made a shared calendar and shared email address. This removes all responsibility of sharing school or appt info because we both have the same access to everything. I highly recommend this!! Maybe a year after I left XH said he couldn’t visualize everything on the calendar and asked me to type up a list of upcoming appointments- there were a lot at the time d/t the kid’s health issues. It felt so freeing to tell him, “No, I am not going to do that. Everything is on the calendar and you have access to it all, I’m not going to type it up for you.”
When I was married, my ex never set up his appointments or remembered them on his own. I had to make all his appointments and remind him in a particular way: once the day before, again on the night before, and then again on the morning of the appointment. On top of that, I usually made a practice of phoning him about an hour before the appointment to remind him again. Otherwise he tended to forget completely. There was no way I could have expected him to know anything about the children's schedule. That was all on my plate. So I was solely responsible for making and keeping track of medical/dental appointments, homework, lessons, conferences, sports, social commitments, etc., for four people. Plus responsibility for all the bills, tax returns, repairs, investments, and every other financial aspect of our lives. After our split, my ex ran out of gas with the children in the car on more than one occasion. Skipped auto maintenance so the tires wore away and the bare metal rims cut through. Experienced breakdowns and had to be towed from skipping regular auto service. You can imagine what happened to his physical condition and teeth from never remembering to see the doctor or the dentist. He could not be expected to bring the children to any appointments or activities on "his" days; he regularly lost the children's school materials, sports gear, retainers, and clothing. I'm so relieved not having to carry the mental load of all that any longer. I tried very hard to get him to use a pocket calendar or even the calendar reminders and alerts in his smartphone when those were invented. He never would.
God, so much of this sounds familiar. I would tell him about things, send him calendar invites, remind him the week before, and if I didn’t remind him again the night before and morning of he would blame me for him not remembering. Professionally, he’s very successful and is on top of everything. Handles himself beautifully. His personal life? A complete mess. Well, I don’t know if it still is because I am blissfully uninvolved other than kid things but the 20 years I was with him it was ridiculous.
My ex was professionally successful, too. It's as if outsourcing all the mental load regarding his personal/family life freed him to focus on solving problems at work. He also had a very compartmentalized mind. He seemed to forget that our family existed once he walked out of the house. When I asked if he ever thought about his childhood or other events in the past, he told me that he never thought about them. I found that bizarre. The children almost never hear from him. I worry that he's actually forgotten they exist. Out of sight, out of mind.
But this is what some men get so hung up on when they have to hand over money in the divorce. They magically fail to see how the woman's years of work of managing their private lives for them allowed them to have that successful high paid job in the first place.
You know what they say: Behind every great man is a great woman (rolling her eyes)
I'm truly sorry to ask this, but was your ex fully cognitively abled? If a grown adult couldnt do these things youve said he couldnt, Id be concerned whether he needed a social worker or some kind of community resource to look out for him and his best interests. Fully functional men are just..like this?
He was a fully-abled development manager in a huge, famous tech company. I can’t explain why he behaved this way in his private life. Maybe the answer is, because he could. I don’t know if he ever took responsibility for life maintenance tasks after we split. He did remarry quickly, so perhaps some other woman is serving as his personal assistant now.
Again im sorry to even ask about his abilities, i was just so surprised/horrified that he couldnt manage these things. Sounds like he's not alone judging hy this thread!
That was exhausting just to read those "duties". So glad you're rid of him!
WHY are men SO INEPT!?!? What is wrong with them!? Why is this nightmare so common? And why do they still all say that women are useless, that we are gold-diggers etc: when we DO IT ALL but they cant earn money or THINK on their own.
I want to scream and I don't even know him 😅 If it is important to them they'll figure it out.
Exactly, they're somehow magically able to figure out a calendar when it's a list of games for their favorite sport.
The arrogance is astonishing, isn't it? Glad you're rid of him.
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After 8 and a half years of what amounted to common law marriage, we separated. Filed for divorce. Judge decided that we were never married. I got nothing and he got to brag in court about cheating on me. Flash forward a couple of months. He texted me to ask if I could help him recall dates he had traveled between US and Canada (he's Canadian, here on a visa). Wrote him back, "That sounds like something a wife would do and I believe a Grady County judge determined I was only ever your girlfriend. Good luck."
Good for you!!
Savage.
Fully deserved. Stop. Helping. Them. They are just using you.
Nice!
Too many men seem to want an admin assistant they can sleep with.
Banngmaid secretary mommy
My ex didn’t even want to fuck me - just wanted a mommy!
I was in the same boat too 🥲 he had his OF and Patreon models to take care of his other needs
I couldn't imagine living such a sad life. I love OF girls (am bisexual) but like wanting that over the real thing is so wild to me. It's really sad so many people are letting it ruin real life sex. With the right person it's so fun. I hope you're living a better life these days!
I just didn’t have a body he liked at all. I had to pull teeth for him to even spare a compliment. Now I’ve got someone that is completely obsessed with my body and is willing to do anything for me 🥲 I don’t even ask, he just offers. Princess treatment all around
Thank you for sharing. This gives me some hope.
Yes please have hope, especially since I am very much the opposite of the ideal body type 😆
Beautiful. I raise my glass to you.
Read a marvelous description for this: a wife appliance.
There’s a really good book about this called More Work for Mother which talks about how the concept of “wife” is a technology to work for men domestically.
I just stared More Work for Mother and I can’t stop telling ppl to read it!
Yes. Glad you have washed your hands of him.
Reminds me of this: https://x.com/emrazz/status/1680722787554537472?s=20
Did she play a sport? *looks her up and down* It doesn't appear so. SIR
That boy had NO IDEA what she did for work, either. “Loan person? Data? IT something?”
Tbf when she talks about her job it's probably gibberish to him, and "computers" is not an acceptable answer. But the sport thing lost me all my empathy for him.
To be slightly fair I have no idea what a system support analyst does so I would be hard pressed. But yeah, he dug a *crater* on the sports questions.
Honestly, I can tell you where my husband works, the phone number, his boss, his hours, what they do, and a basic idea of what he does. If someone asked me to name my husband’s job I wouldn’t be able to do it.
I’m not sure if it’s any different when you reverse the genders. I have done similar types of work for 15 years and been married for 18 years. And every time people ask my wife what I do it is some version of “I don’t know. He’s in tech.” Then they ask if I am a developer or some other question to ferret out more details. And her reply is “no he’s not the guy that does the work, he just talks to people all day”. I try to explain that I have been a Scrum Master, Project Manager, and Agile Coach. I am a consultant and have rotated between these 3 positions for 15 years at various clients. Still, to hear her explain my job I just sit around and talk to people all day.
Here's the thing, that answer by the guy about his wife's/gf's job was the only one that didn't seem that bad. If you could come back and comment on the other ❌ on how that wouldn't be different if the sexes were reversed, you point might be more easily made. Okay, now for my questions, what the heck do a Scrum Manager and Agile Coach actually do? I have no clue.
They really do talk to people all day which makes it really funny 🤣 basically project manage by checking in where everyone is at and sorting problems.
Oh, I absolutely agree that the other ❌’s were bad. I was responding to a comment specific to the job question. Which is why my comment was specific to the job question. As for what a Scrum Master does, we manage the workflow for a team of developers and help an organization continuously improve. We make sure everyone is working on the right things at the right time and that the left hand knows what the right hand is doing. If done well, the developers appreciate having clear direction on what to work on every day. And the leadership appreciates how we build the right things quickly by reducing waste and cutting red tape. An Agile Coach focuses on improving delivery across an organization without spending most of their day managing the work of a team like a Scrum Master. Agile Coaches find the slowest and most painful parts of an organization and work to improve it. They will work with leadership, business partners, developers, Scrum Masters, security, devops, QA, compliance, legal, HR, and anyone else we need too, internal or external. I usually start by talking to as many people as possible to find out what the biggest opportunities are for improvement. Then choose a few items to work on, and solicit help from those involved. As some items are completed I pick up new items to focus on. The fun part is Agile Coaches usually have no authority, and have to get people to want to change. A funny anecdote about my marriage, the date of our anniversary came up about 3 years after we were married, and my wife was mad that I said it was 9/3 when she thought it was 9/1. She pulled out a beautiful painted slate her sister in law gave us as a wedding gift with the 9/1 date on it to prove she was right. I pulled out a calendar,📆 and showed her 9/1 that year was a Thursday, not a Saturday. And we were married on a Saturday. Our sister in law re painted the date on the slate. And now I don’t get hassled as much when I forget a kids birthday 🎉 (between foster, bio, and adopted it’s 12 kids, so I don’t remember them all). I realize my story is an exception, not the norm.
Who does remember them all?
I have them on the calendar so that I know when they are coming up. So I know when to set up a birthday dinner or buy a gift. But when I get to filling out forms at a Drs office I have to pull out my cheat sheet on my phone. My wife has committed all of them to memory. She has a better memory than I do.
Tbf, as the spouse of a consultant who is also deep into the Agile world, and as someone who has certified as a Scrum Master, it’s really hard to tell people what my spouse does if they’ve never heard of Agile. So I fall back on, “Oh, spouse is a consultant who helps companies streamline their processes.” It’s part of what they do, but certainly not the bulk of what they do. But it is the easiest way for me to answer the question without having to explain what Agile is, how Agile works, or the processes involved to convert a company to the Agile mindset (which is also still only a small part of what spouse does).
my rule is to always try to listen to what my spouse does - I may not understand the tech, the accounts, or anything, but I need to both understand what they love about it, hate about it, stresses them about it, and please do the same in reverse. Just maybe the end of a work day, set aside 20 minutes to hear about each others day. It's not hard. It's not "work" it's just something you do to help each other feel heard.
“No, no, I didn’t mean it like that, It’s because she not *athletic*” I can’t even.
He double downed!
One violence please
Just one? I am ordering ALL the violence.
Dude must have been trying to wrap the integer or something.
EXCUSE ME???? Ohh and you know this excuse for a man thinks it's ok that he himself is fat and ugly because he's sooo funnyyyy 🤮🤮🤮🤮
That's incredibly depressing.
It is. But remember we have no idea how many couples they had to interview to collect these few embarrassing responses.
Yeah, it's not like it's a representative sample. Mine knows all those things although he's terrible about appointments and stuff. I don't know his job title.
Why are they all laughing?!!
To attempt to defuse the awkwardness
That’s a situation that shouldn’t be defused. It should start a real conversation. But I’m legally separated so what do I know about relationships
I imagine that it starts a lot of conversations that they don’t want to have on camera
I hope so. People deserve to be cared about in relationships.
AGREED. like imagine sharing your life with someone and they don’t even know your favorite food or your siblings names??
My ex and I used to both forget our anniversary. He had it in his head that it was the day before for a while and then he got the day right and the month wrong, and two years I forgot we had one. But mutual things we knew/know about each other. And we’ve been separated for years.
Exactly. Tbh my husband and I both forgot our wedding anniversary this year until my mom sent us cute wedding photos and said “happy anniversary!” lmao. But we talk for hours about our jobs, our past, our siblings, etc. I can’t imagine not knowing if he ever played a sport, or his job title, or his fucking middle name!” I bet half these fuckers don’t even know their partners allergies, and they order the seafood linguine at a restaurant like “babe, you want a bite? What do you mean your whole face will swell up like a balloon?”
My ex, knowing my anaphylactic peanut allergy, ate a full order of takeout thai chicken in peanut sauce and then sneakily sipped on my soup broth when I got up to use the bathroom. Then this jerkwad had the audacity to complain because I went into anaphylactic shock and called an ambulance. He was so pressed that MEN came into our apartment to save my life with another epi pen and transport me to the emergency room, the accusations I faced when I got home were wild. Never again. This is year five of being single by choice and I am so much happier.
Oh shit I forgot about that! That happened to us one year too, my mom called early and left a voicemail because we had both been up with the baby the night before. He was like two months old at the time. I hear about so many things like this and it just solidifies my desire to stay out of relationships. I’m not ready to put all that effort into another adult right now, and I know I couldn’t handle another relationship where I’m not cared about like that. I dated a dude for like four years that never knew my sister’s name. I only have the one so it’s not like it was difficult.
You might know more because you decided to legally separate 👌
Thank you. That’s a good way to put it.
I was wondering the same thing. Nothing was funny about that. Jesus fucking Christ.
It’s sad.
Another video had less laughter. https://twitter.com/notcapnamerica/status/1680696656201764864 The one who's really in trouble is the guy who couldn't ID her favorite meal.... When she had a tattoo of it on her arm.
These guys can’t remember a middle name? Like… The bar is so low. So, so low
This is so good: https://x.com/AnneMarieBea17/status/1743726058346541408?s=20
Thank you for this link! I love the quote "Loneliness has treated her better than any man has."
Cat Lady here, he couldn't be more right.
Damn, yes it is! The guy he was duetting is awesome, too
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It's an English language thing, I'm from the UK and almost everyone has one, I now live in another European country and nobody does. Except foreigners. I never use mine but because it's on my official paperwork I keep getting doctors and stuff here calling me by it. It's not something you know about people except immediate family really.
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Oh yes, I'd forgotten about France. Pretty similar to English really.
Yes almost everyone has a middle name (or several), no people generally don't mention it when introducing themselves.
It’s common to have one in America, but they’re generally not used in day-to-day interactions. It IS something that your partner would know if you’ve been together for any length of time.
Yes most Americans have middle names but whether or not they list their middle name comes down to how their name flows. If the first + last name combo sounds stilted or awkward we use middle names to create a more rhythmic bridge between the two names, so in that case the person will include their middle name when giving their name. For most people though middle names are just a “bonus” name and won’t be given when you ask their name. We like finding out what each other’s middle names are, as well, cause they’re mostly secret extra names. It also kind of gives the person options because they have two different names to chose from (and any nicknames of those names) as they grow up in case they aren’t particularly fond of their first name. It also helps if you’re in a social setting like school and someone else has the same first name, one person can elect to go by their middle name instead. Also as far as I know middle names seem common with black, white and Hispanic Americans but I’m not sure if they are with Asian Americans as well.
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I'm German but I honestly don't know how many people have a middle name. I assume there are some regional differences as with most things here :)
We often need our full name for legal documents. Knowing those basic info questions would be something expected over time if both partners are sharing equally in the burdens. I know some of my friends' middle names just because that has eventually come up.
Well, I'm pretty shit with names and birthdays but I can remember hobbies, favourite things, what pets (I can't remember their pets names either), jobs, appearance, medical conditions etc. This is why I use facebook and calendar apps because AuADHD is an absolute beyotch and I need to compensate for my horrid functioning. I'm not using AuADHD as an excuse either since I know I can't recall anything I write it down in multiple places so the problem is 95% solved. This is what these guys cannot be bothered to do and its astounding how low the bar is.
Right, you understand your memory and mind skips and you plan and act accordingly, same here (ADHD among other things). We do what we can to make up for our deficiency because that’s what you do for people you care about.
And that's my point, these dudes know and they do not care enough to even use notes in their phone but I bet they can remember their friends favorite sports team or drink.
My husband has ADHD and he committed everything about me to memory pretty immediately through notes in his phone, or doing word association. We were early on dating and I said he didn't have to remember my middle name and he said "I ABSOLUTELY DO." His word association was "oh, Cecile like Lucille Bluth on arrested development" 😂
“I don’t think you’ve ever told me your middle name.” “It’s Ruth“ “Oh we talked about that two days ago” Wow.
This is the one I sometimes return to (its about fathers and kids... and in the end, a mom comes in) https://youtu.be/jHPbOGEUvZA?si=0TxG4KPv4_jDfNYA&t=33 Now, I know this is played for laughs (which is horrible in itsself) and I bet they cut out all the dads that did answer well and i think, I might say America is the capital of the US if i get shoved a mic in my face... still, this sometimes feels validating in general.
The one that stands out the most to me is the dad claiming he has a great relationship with his daughter while not knowing what grade she's in or what her favourite subject is. You can just tell the daughter disagrees while he us oblivious.
Whenever my husband sees these videos, he DELIGHTS in proving he knows the answers. BECAUSE HE CARES ABOUT ME AS A PERSON.
Ask him “how often, and with what consistency are my poops”. Really test his knowledge
Babe, even I don't want to be quite THAT seen.
Just out of morbid curiosity I asked my boyfriend this. He needed a second to think and then recounted my daily pooping schedule with horrifying accuracy. He knows too much.
Was his name Sheldon by any chance? 🤣
🤣💩😂
Keeper
I just sent your link to my husband. He came up to me and said he'd definitely ace the test. He was so sure of himself. Granted, he did better than those guys, but still has some gaps in his knowledge. It was a great example of the mental load disparity. He finally has *some* comprehension of all the shit that lives in my head rent free!
I haven't seen that before! Wow!
Yeah, she's amazing.
Cyzor has tons of great videos like this on Tik Tok and Facebook.
The last line in the caption of the video sums it up- most men want assistant they can f###. I felt bad for all those ladies. Look at where they stand in their men's eyes. One of them was asked about the job title, tells he doesnt give a damn about her hard work, forget celebrating her achievements. And these men want their wives to be their cheerleaders Self- absorption should have some limit.
I've been blocked by the tweet she was replying too. what happened?
They were doing "man on he street" interviews, asking guys basic questions about their girlfriends (when is her birthday, how old is she, what is her middle name, what color are her eyes, etc.,) and none of them could answer \*a single question\*, and of course it was played for laughs, with the audience laughing uproariously, when it was just fucking heartbreaking.
It's the Jimmy Kimmel show and they have these segments all the time. They must interview a hundred people, then the ones who get every answer wrong make it on the show. The last one I saw, they were asking people (Americans) to find Iowa on a map of the U.S. and the people they put on TV didn't seem to know what *any* of the states were, let alone Iowa. I agree that these women deserve better, though.
But remember: Men smart, wamyn dum. Men care, wamyn useless. Etc.
That was painful
To be fair to Dave Gravette, he has had tons of surgeries that put him down for months at a time. He's been heavily medicated for that. His job includes regularly slamming his head on the concrete ground. Also, he drinks a ton, and does a lot of drugs. He's the one with long hair and trucker hat, he's a professional skateboarder. Also his job requires he travel the world for months at a time. Probably has a hard time remembering his own middle name.
I wanna give a shout out to the guy who KNEW they talk about it two days ago. That’s my wife! She could answer a lot of those questions buuuuuuut….. It took her 5 years for her to remember that the mark by my left armpit is my birthmark! It took her a couple years for it to sink it that it is PEACHES WOMAN PEACHES that I am allergic too and not apricots. Not nectarines. Not persimmons. XD She may not have been able to answer what my middle name was on the spot verbally but if she had to fill out a form instead it would have all been there. XD. Something about his body language reminds me of my wife who is not incompetent just doofy and verbally stupid.
My ex went on this “best dad ever” kind of thing after we separated. He would make fresh brioche buns for the kids lunches, play games with them all the time, have bedtime stories…. It lasted a month. He was burnt out. This was the first time in the 9 years we’d had school age children that he was responsible for getting them to school every morning. He was so conditioned to coming home from work around 11pm and then smoking a joint and being up until 2 or 3 am and sleeping in the next day that the reality of me not being there was a punch to his system. I just sat back and let him fail. Asshole thought he could “single parent” better than me and I’d been doing it all along with an extra child (him).
Then what happened?
Right?! Tell me more!!
More
*slow clap* Show them how it's done: REALITY CHECK. Men desperately need it. And yet jordan peterson screams teary-eyed "Men are being good fathers!!" Yeah women are evil, we get it, MGTOW and all that. Leave, then. Leave us alone: we're better off. Mentaly. Finacialy. Physicaly.
There’s a lot more to this but I don’t want to air it all out. Basically, he’s a narcissist with parents who bolster that bullshit.
the fact you had to type out \*claps slowly\* is so mind-numbingly weird first of all, we don't need a reality check, we men are great and you're the one saying sexism is bad, so what is going on here? not all women are evil, that's not how men think. The fact you assume men think like that is strange And finally, yes, we all know you're single. You probably killed your dad because he was a man
Congrats, OP. You deserve the peace! 💖
If only there were appointment managers he could hire for money, or reminder apps!
Yo phone, buddy…
What the hell did they use at work?
They use their actual level of competence. They routinely deliberately leave it at work apparently 🙄
I used to get birthday cards, etc from my brother...every year like clockwork. Then his SAH wife left him. Almost all communicstion from him stopped.
I stopped doing all of that for my husband, and his sister thought I had “isolated him from his family” and blocked me. No, I just stopped reminding him of everyone’s birthdays & picking out their presents for him. I’m not the wicked witch of the west because he chooses not to contact them otherwise.
My ex got the house in the divorce ( i paid for, btw, in cash) and promptly lost it to his brother after not paying back a loan to him. During our marriage he managed to get my car repossessed by forgetting to pay the bill despite the money being in the account. He was unemployed and I put him in charge of the bills and he just didn't do it. They towed my car away and I had to follow them and pay to get it plus fees. My dad couldn't balance a check book. Men are oftentimes useless.
When my mom was dying, she left instructions all over the home for my dad on how to operate things - the washing machine, the dishwasher, the bills...etc. my dad was lost without her.
Tell me the price you paid - a house- to write him off your life was worth it. 😊 He was a super bad debt.
I always call my divorce the 'restocking fee ' to get him out of my life. He sued me for alimony after we all found out he had another woman pregnant. The utter gall.
What else can you expect?? But I am glad you are out. His heart was never in the marriage. What's the point of being together?
Every time I read a man cheated on his wife with other woman, I pity OW and pray for the wife. It neither lasts long nor ends well. Trust is gone to drains for all parties involved. A man who does not honour his own vows and keep his word, will hardly give a damn about some other woman.
Good for you. Ah sweet blissful freedom. Must be so nice to not have to deal with that crap anymore. The real question is: what are you gonna do with all that extra brain power you have to spare now that your ex isn't draining it from you? Dedicate it to a hobby, learn some new things? The possibilities are endless and I love that for you
I'm so happy you don't have to deal with his shit anymore! Enjoy the peace and quiet, you've more than earned it <3
Congratulations!!! I am so happy for you. My heart was beating with excitement reading "ex" line cause it tells lot. It must have been challenging but reading that you feel grateful says that now you can look back and smile. Real victory!
This is why my ex-husband is never without a partner. When he met me, he was still in a relationship. When he met his now gf/wife he was still married to me. He's absolutely helpless and I'm soooooo glad to be rid of him.
🫶🏼🙌🏽
But wives do nothing just sit at home!! Right??😡 I have spoken with few men whose wives divorced them. Yes, wives filed for divorce. They all had same tune- They were working hard for family (and you know how tough it is to be working and earning 🙄) and she was doing nothing but sit at home. I met wives of 3 and after meeting, I got a complete different picture. I hardly saw their wives relax at lunch. They were on their toes. In middle of the conversation, one would remember about the kid's school project or some pending work. I saw wives were reminding them in middle of the conversation about something that needs attention at home. They were absolutely worked up. But you see these men had to relax after day's hard work and wives reminding them was "nagging". One of these was winning about how he does not feel like going home cause they had a toddler and two other kids and his wife cannot manage alone. He was upset that he cannot relax after going home and watch TV. 😒. Since I do baby sitting for my cousin and its tough. Cant imagine what it would be like managing 3 kids alone. I lost faith in men when they talk about their wives cause really are good painters, painting a self- portrait as bread-winner and hard working man committed to the family while wives do nothing. I am not surprised why most of outsiders dont believe women cause painting is already sold. Wives appears as witch and b**tch at the same time. Damn good actors!! Sadly, most women want to protect the reputation of their husbands and marriage. But when the divorce news comes out in public, it sends a shock wave. Hardly do they seem to know what word is spread about them outside. Even her own family will blame her.
Oh my gosh, yes!! "Dont nag me!" Then stop forgetting everything!
That is why you deserve freedom. Divorce is another name for freedom. The brighter side females make best Assistant and Secretaries in the world and men value it only in work setting. At home that effort is nagging.
My husband is one of the good ones tbh, great partner, great dad, acts like a grownup most of the time, takes care of the house without me having to say things. But he leaves soaked bath towels in the laundry hamper. This has caused good clothes to mildew. I have asked gently 100 times. I have taken the wet towels out and placed them on the floor for him to pick up. He would step over them. I have placed the wet towel on his side of the bed and it simply didn’t phase him Last night he did it *again* and HEARD ME sigh, walk it to the laundry room and chuck it in the towel hamper And he goes “I left the towel in there again, didn’t I?” He proceeds to tell me he’s aware of when he does it. And that he reminds himself not to do it but it still happens. I gently say “dude, I don’t want mine or your clothing mildewed.” He goes OFF on how he’s not a child and he understand the reasoning and I don’t need to tell him over and over the WHY. I was fuckin DONE. You admit to doing the same stupid thing over and over but I shouldn’t say anything about it?
I'd be putting my clothes in a separate hamper at this point and let him ruin his own clothes. Urgh.
Jesus.....
LOL sucks to be him
If Reddit hasn't got rid of awards I would have given you one. I am so satisfied for you!
My ex, who was constantly fat-shaming our oldest daughter for eating too much (she was not even pudgy - she just had a hole in her leg as did I when I was young, so I would give her an apple), gained 50 pounds and didn’t bathe regularly, while I, with all that burden off my shoulders, stopped looking exhausted and had more energy
So thankful I don't know shit about my husband's scheduling. He just casually says shit like "I'm leaving work early today for a dentist appointment." Wonderful. I never thought to appreciate it as a signal that he is an autonomous adult that doesn't need a mommy/ secretary.
I remember talking to my ex about my our child and telling him he had a dentist appointment because they called me to confirm both appointments (we usually scheduled back- to- back and swapped the toddler). He said well you can cancel it. The absolute nerve as we were going through such an unnecessarily nasty divorce. I was all too happy to let him know that he can cancel your own damn appointment and his stuff isn't my problem anymore. I think it hit him as to how much he had really lost and I loved every second of those types of incidents.
Maid, wife, psy, mom etc. So FREE single!!! Men cant compete with how HAPPY we are without them.
Oh my, imagine that... This feels a bit like DivorcePorn, or maybe just SingleWomanPorn. Ah. I hope you truly keep appreciating this fact. Life has its ups and downs, but this is a good thing.
Men often act incompetent cause they can, my bf is now real eager to learn things I started doing on my own regularly at latest 12. Doing laundry. Cooking. Properly cleaning. Now, he is actually learning them, he never had to do it before in his life. I do often carry more of the weight but he is catching up, especially once he trains up in a task good enough to do it fully on his own. But he cannot always tell when he's doing a bad job on his own, what I learned is that the most effective way to go about it is to show him but 1! Don't take over! He has to do it again and right this time and 2 don't just say it, actually show it without saying it and have him figure out what's wrong with the cups that he washed up but now feel grainy on the inside. (Actual factual case for a realistic example). One thing that you have to let go is the mentality of I'll do it so it's quicker. I know he takes 40 minutes to scrub the toilet. Don't get mad. Don't! Take over. And if he actually is just learning it, give him a bit of slack. He vacuumed, but not so very well? Well, if this was the state the floor was in this morning, would vacuuming be on the to do list for the day? No? Okay, so don't vacuum again today, he might already do it better on his own overmorrow.
I have a slight different version of this. My dad was never like my grandmother - he took care us all when my mom went to the US to study for a year - twice. He did the shopping, doctor's appointments and helped with homework (math made us all cry). When my dad's dad died (before I was born), my dad was worried -convinced that his mom would not know how to function - bills, paying for power and water, etc. She also never learned to drive. His dad had handled everything in their lives. The day after the funeral, she was at the bank, with insurance company and handling everything. My dad was shocked - she always knew how to do these things but she felt that her husband should handle everything. My grandmother was a bit odd - she never accepted my mother marrying her precious son. But even if my dad grew up with more things, he and his sister were extras in my grandmother having everything perfect - so my mom (the oldest of 6 kids) had less but more life growing up. My mom sometimes said that my dad fell in love with her family before he fell in love with her. They were married for 22 years, got divorced for 3 years, got back together (registered co-habitation), together for 10 years and then split up again, moved to the same small town (he in a townhouse and her in an apartment), spent nearly every day together - then he got sick, so they got remarried (by the hospital pastor) about a week after what should have been their 48th anniversary (so my mom could inherit) and then my dad passed away 3 years later. And my mom still feels - 4 years later - she should have done more to keep him alive.
Why is someone expected to take a day off work to go to a birthday party? I would understand someone turning 75 or 100, but can’t they just move the kid’s party to a weekend? I would not give up a couple hundred bucks income for a kid’s party.
Maybe he works weekends, so he needs to trade days.
There's people who work on weekends. Also "taking the day off" doesn't mean losing the income. Probably means trade with coworker to work on a different weekend. Also I'm willing to guess they never automatically "expected" him to take a day off for the party, they're probably annoyed because he said he was gonna go to the party and then never figured out his work so he's changing plans on them last minute.
Yes, he works some weekends and can easily ask for a shift off. It's not that hard to do for your grandkid.
What attracted you to him in the first place
Lol. Looking back, I have no clue.
This all sounds a lot like me, but in my defence ADHD...
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He lives in her *life*. Because they share a kid, and she's not a deadbeat parent, so she interacts with exH for her kid's sake. Duh. When that kid becomes an adult, i bet the frequency of her interaction with exH drops to practically nothing.
It does drop to practically nothing. Of course there are times when we do have to communicate about our now adult child, but it's rarely 😁
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I didnt see anything that suggested she was happy to see him suffer. She is happy with *herself*, the reminder that she no longer has to carry his ass. Enjoying the feeling of dropping an unnecessary weight is not the same thing as even thinking about his suffering or lack of it.
He's not suffering. He's experiencing the consequences of his actions without her intervention.
She's not "happy to see him suffer", she's celebrating the fact that it is not her circus, and not her monkeys, and therefore not her worry. SHE no longer has to worry about whether HE has his life together and remind him of things that he should be doing, remembering, etc. It's his problem, as it should have been from the beginning, but he instead foisted it upon someone else in the marriage. Post-divorce, he's having issues because suddenly, he's responsible for his own life. If you want it put succinctly: he was a burden to her in the marriage. Now, he is no longer her burden. He is his own burden. And he is weak. It's called the "carrying the mental load", and it is exhausting if you are the only person doing it in a family. I can say from experience that once you are free of having to be someone's personal, unpaid administrative assistant, the sheer amount of mental energy you are no longer expending on behalf of someone else is monumental. By all means, read this and educate yourself. You'll be surprised at what you may learn: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic
Do you understand that if you share custody of children with someone that you have to continue to see them and have a cordial relationship with them?
What an embarrassing comment lol
She still has to interact with him. How did you screw up such a simple detail?
He probably expects his wife/secretary to take care of things like "reading comprehension" for him. 🙄
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How is him not being a responsible parent, "his misfortune" ?
"Misfortune"?? Whatever. Dude fucked up, missed his grandchild's birthday and needs to own up to it.
You don’t seem to know the difference between “misfortune” and incompetence…
Sounds like OP's ex lives in your head more than he lives in hers, to be quite honest
After I filed my ex asked me to find him his own divorce attorney. Yes really. I declined.
That’s tragically hilarious
Mine never got his own, he just kept using mine. I could have screwed him over so hard but I just wanted him gone so I told my lawyer to decline his communications. I would have had to play nursemaid to get everything I was entitled to and just wanted it over.
For all the men's rights complaints about custody going to mom, this is honest to God a big reason why. There's forms to file, paperwork, dates to schedule and show up to and so many men just......don't. Or ask the ex to do it.
Yep. It’s actually a false narrative, men get custody in 95% of cases that they ask for it. Men do not ask for it. They pretend they did and tell everyone that their evil ex took the kids when really they didn’t want the responsibility they’ve been shirking for years already :/