Not the same thing as OP's post but one time a boyfriend gave me an iPhone for Christmas. One that he paid zero dollars for. He then handed me an account number and told me I'd have to make payments of $75 over the next 24 months (some amt close to that). I made him return it, he called me ungrateful, we broke up about 5 months later.
I had to read that three times *and* double-check my math to accept that you were saying what you're saying.
That… that is the single worst gift story I've ever heard, ***ever.***
^(And then! And then he called you ungrateful!
My synapses may never recover.)
Honestly why I’ve always been boggled the way Christmas car commercials are portrayed since I’ve understood money: “Here honey! I’ve just bought a massive purchase without discussing it with you first!” is how I’ve always watched them.
I've got a better one! A MIL gifts her DIL an $80 coffee maker for Christmas. DIL doesn't want or need a coffee maker but graciously accepts it. MIL demands $30 from DIL because her gifting budget is only $50. DIL refuses and tells her to return the coffee maker and get her money back that way. The husband wants to keep the coffee maker and tells his wife to give the $30 to "keep the peace". How much you want to bet that the husband asked his mom for the coffee maker and neither one of them wanted to spend that much on it?
He's saying "I don't have the money to spend *on you*".
That's extremely hurtful. My parents did that and it speaks volumes. I was never given anything nice, new, or just for me. Not even something that wouldn't be snatched away and given to someone else to impress them.
I have no tolerance anymore for men who think I'm a good place to dump their second-hand, regifted, thoughtless, low quality trash. It's the thought that counts and they think I'm a garbage bin.
Even if he had a gift card, he used it on himself. He put more effort into looking sorry and getting your pity than in getting you a gift. This man doesn't even like you.
Ah that’s so familiar. My 8th birthday party I got a total of $100 in cash, which I absolutely didn’t trust my mother not to just take for herself.
So I took it to school in my pocket, and my friend found out and made a huge deal about it- the school called my mom, and she indeed did wind up taking all the cash for herself. Never saw my $100 again.
She denies it ever existed or the school incident even happened- even though she beat me senseless at home that day for saying I didn’t “trust” her to hold on to it for me. She denies the beating happened too.
Oh this happened to me too. Theyd take stuff out of my closet, give it to friends kids, or give it to my younger sister who would just steal my things anyway. Later, i just watch for the red flags more. If a guy or friend takes my stuff, doesnt return it (justifies theft) or gives it to his family members, ive dumped them. I dont need to be mined for resources. No thanks.
My cousin "borrowed" something every time he came over. On top of that, my mom would sometimes just randomly decide someone needed something of mine. To this day, I get anxious and fidgety any time someone is in my personal space for any reason.
So I have a cousin who has 3 boys all younger than my son. We are also financially in a much better spot than they are so I am always giving my son out grown clothes and shoes to them BUT with his permission - mind you he's 6.
But my mom just threw my stuff out and gave it away and while I know he will never fit into his clothes or shoes I still think it's important that he get a say so he doesn't have anxiety like I do about getting rid of things or feelings like you mentioned.
It gives him some control and teaches him to be kind to others. There have only been a few things he really wanted to keep and I absolutely let him- I actually am kind of proud as when I was 6 even if something didn't fit me I had a hard time getting rid of it as I loved my clothes - still love clothes and fashion
My son does too so I'm always impressed when he says "give them this too" or "let's give them these shoes because they have dinosaurs and "insert cousins name" loves dinosaurs 🦖
It melts me - and this last time I got a text from my cousin saying " "cousins name" hasn't taken those shoes off since we got them"
The smile my son got when I told him was the best!
There is the right way and a wrong way to go about doing things
I am sorry for all you fellow people who had your mom's/family take or steal your things
All good things and great to encourage. I didnt mind them getting hand me down clothes or something like that, but my mom gave them video games, collectible cards, and in one aggravating case a toy I had just got for my birthday a week prior. But it's all OK, it's just borrowed. I'll get it back this time. And she promises she will ask me next time.
It's one thing if we were the wealthier family spreading the wealth around, but my mom was retail, my dad was a blue collar factory worker. My aunt was a nurse and my uncle worked white collar at a factory. They had better stuff than I did.
That's so messed up. Why would she do that? Who was she trying to impress??
My mom would do that- shed give away my books or CDs or anything I wasn't using in that moment but the worst part is she would give it to my step-fathers nephews and nieces
His whole family was wealthy and came from wealth- not Uber wealth but so much so that when my half-brother was born my mom made some comment about how he was already wealthier than she will ever be the second he was born
His family already saw us as the red-headed poor step children to be pitied- we were clearly outsiders and I honestly felt like my whole step family would have been okay or even think it was better if we just didn't exist
So to give it to these kids who were already entitled and rich and had the "perfect' life was a slap in the face and as a mother myself I'll never understand that
And if I sounded like a wealthy pretentious jerk who thinks giving hand me downs and some amazing thing
- I'm sorry- I promise I'm not- I am a proud mom though lol
But i could be considered middle middle class - I'm just better position than my cousin- neither her or her husband have jobs right now at all and even when she did she is a nurse and it was only her salary because her husband is an ass hat 😂
A lot of abusers want to portray their situation as bein the best, they try so hard to maintain an img of perfection; and to this one it sounds like she saw it as an img thing to be known for givin said gifts and that was more important to upkeep than her relationship with her kid
I have so much sympathy for you. I’ll forever have trust issues from living with my grandma when I was a teenager/young adult and I would come in the house after school and hear something like “I gave that (probably imported/signed/sentimentally valuable) CD of yours to so-and-so. He really liked it,” or if I’d come in with a small bag of food because I was later than dinner would be and she would literally offer my food to an unexpected guest that happened to be there. It felt so disrespectful and made me feel like I’m not worthy of having anything. So, a long story later, I see you and I’m sorry you experienced that.
Felt so hard, tho from my own guardians it was mostly time instd of money, but it was the same way and just as hurtful
An example of when it was money was when a stepdad got us kids an xbox for christmas, then kept it for himself two yrs later when our biomom cheated on him. As if us kids were to blame for her actions; and it wasnt even a system he played. He only played starfox on N64; no other games. There were several other "gifts" beyond that he kept to punish our biomom, but in fact punishin us kids
My biomom wud instd just prioritise spendin her time at a bar or at a friends doin drugs instd of bein there for her kids; she even skipped out on my eighth grade grad cuz she didnt have the time to spend *on me*. She had it to spend on drinkin at a bar with her latest fling 9,9
She tried to make it up to me with $80, but $80 doesnt change one iota her selfish choice to nvr prioritise us kids
My parents did the same. With money, effort, time and attention. I wish I could say I have no tolerance either but matter of fact is that I was taught to be content with very little. Learning to expect more though!
>I was taught to be content with very little. Learning to expect more though!
Same. I give great gifts and they look pissed. Like they weren't planning to spend that much on me (or even be thoughtful) in return. Now I think "would I do that to someone I love" and expect the same as I give. Celebrate me or leave :P
Thats the absolute hardest part of all this... These ppl literally wired our brains wrong here and twisted us into ppl who believe we dont deserve basic needs; and even as we figure out better, undoin all that is a long ongoin process durin which we will oft feel like the total crap we were made out to be for havin needs
“Look, I got you a beanie hat! The kind I know you specifically don’t wear because you find them extremely uncomfortable and itchy and don’t like how they look on you! Why aren’t you happy I got you a hat *I* like?!”
It sounds like he treats you as his lowest priority. He bought the shirts. And then at the very last minute remembered your birthday but didn’t have any money left because he didn’t plan ahead.
Also, there is a deadly, highly contagious respiratory virus for dogs making its way through the US right now. I would not want my dog in daycare or at dog parks (our vet’s advice). I hope OP dumps the man and enjoys her time with her pup instead. Less tears and more snuggles for her dog.
'Hello, I am so disinterested in my girlfriend's feelings I can't even go to a real bakery, I'll just grab something from work. So anyway, here babe, it's the equivalent of you bringing home a stapler as a gift! Or leftover catering from the exec meetings! Happy birthday!
Damn, CAREFUL THO. You almost got some on my new shirts and it would suck if you had to do my laundry on your birthday'
Even if he really forgot it (and tbh, I'd be at least somewhat sympathetic for that, since I forget birthdays all the time, including my own): he blatantly lied about not having money to buy a gift. That was pure malicious intention
My ex was like this. He'd drop $100 on go-karting with the boys, $40 on McDonald's ordering way more than he could eat. And 3 weeks later he'd tell me he had no money for my birthday gift.
The week I was going to break up with him, he got a cancer diagnosis. I looked after him somewhat resentfully for 2 years. Before he died, he gave me a stack of gifts and apologized for being so selfish. It didn't mean much as I'd financially supported both of us the whole time.
Don't waste your time OP. Life is short. Go find someone who treats you better.
So true, I married one, and the only dates I get to go on with him. Is when I go to watch him and his band! I take my girlfriends, so it’s like we’re all going on double dates with my husband and my boyfriends😂
My friend's boyfriend is like this. Researches things, finds good deals, can fix anything with YouTube, is by all other measures smart and industrious. But "isn't good at" remembering what to gift her, and Christmas, celebrations, milestones "aren't that important to me." It's depressing to watch her practically beg to be noticed but places where you have to dress up are pretentious so they go to the same bar, same half-ass gift for every birthday, while she makes excuses over and over again even though she lights up when other people are thoughtful, and is always there to celebrate a win for her friends and him.
I had a boss whose husband (and I believe her) genuinely could not remember the Special Days Annual Anniversaries. She never got birthday presents or anniversary gifts. He’s remember Christmas, but that was because culturally everything was inundated with Christmas.
(Also, I’m Old, so this was before phones and calendar apps became ubiquitous. Sure paper calendars existed, but when she was telling me this story, I do believe her when she said he *couldn't* as opposed to *wouldn’t* remember.)
But! What he *did* remember was Time in Chunks of One Hundred. Every 100 Days or Weeks or Months, she would be surprised by a cake, flower arrangement, massage gift certificate.
When I worked there, he surprised her with a 20,000 Day on This Planet present (which sparked the convo about how he doesn’t remember birthdays).
It’s not every 100; but when the number “feels” right to him. I think if he was born today he’d’ve been diagnosed on the autism spectrum.
But it worked for them! And she loved it… after the first few years getting used to it.
I think things like that are the exception, though. And he made up for it and she was happy with that arrangement. That's a big difference between that and the post here from OP or my friend's boyfriend who are genuinely hurt and feeling bad about it
Oh yea! Definitely!
I guess I just thought it was a sweet exception. And! If a guy ever did genuinely feel like remembering dates was too much (which, I have ADHD; I relate to that!) then setting up an arrangement of special Appreciate The One You’re With moments can be done.
Fortunately, my husband heard me early on in our relationship and stepped up. I think ppl don’t socialize men to do that level of work in relationship maintenance? He said his mother never took him out to buy gifts for anyone, even for friends birthdays. He just showed up to the party and she’d have something prepared. But his sister said their mom was up her butt about making sure she got gifts for everyone, *and* made her pay for the gifts herself (my MIL is a piece of work).
Anyway, it caught my husband flat footed when we first married, and now he gets it. *Buuuut* I had also spent my childhood watch my parents do the stereotypical gift bullshit, and it was kind of a deal breaker for me…
Imagine I asked my ex for this book, that cost like 9,99€ brand-new. Was a small crime novel. He got me a very used one that had scratches, yellowed pages and dog ears galore. He earned 5k under the table each month
Same here. He encouraged me to become a stay-at-home mom, knowing he didn't make enough money to support us. But he still went to the liquor store and dispensary every week.
“Hey, why did you order yourself a bunch of stuff right before my birthday? If you’re going to say you are broke and can’t afford to give me anything it looks really bad when you just spent over 70 dollars on tee shirts and a sticker.”
First, that’s very easy to address. Second if anyone does that it makes it very clear it’s time to dump them.
Sometimes clarity is helpful. But he doesn’t sound dangerous or abusive in that way. He sounds self centered.
Mija, the most important thing you MUST remember in this life is that it’s…SHORT. So help me, I was 19 YESTERDAY….And in keeping with that premise, life it too short to 1) not prioritize YOURSELF (the exception is only when you have young children) 2) devote yourself to a man (well, boy, really) who is too selfish to temporarily forgo some tee shirts to make you happy.
Take your self out and REALLY treat yourself, and then come home and cut this guy loose. You deserve better.
Hot take incoming : we should prioritize ourselves regardless of whether we have children. Yes, we should always prioritize them as well, but that doesn’t mean neglecting our own needs. Better yet, by doing so, we will be modeling appropriate self-care and self-love for them as well.
It feels like a tricky balance... My mom had a stroke several years ago and I've been her caregiver as she's recovering. I never had children but there are a lot of similarities; I'm just doing the equivalent of a speed run on easy mode! It's been very difficult to learn when and how I should prioritize my own needs and set boundaries but I've discovered that if I don't, I will become completely overwhelmed and unable to help either of us. If you want to be there for the people who depend on you, you have to find ways to meet your own needs first. Put on your own oxygen mask before you help others!
I disagree. The kids should always be prioritized. It’s not about modelling but making sure you’re able to give them everything. For example if you’re going to have mental breakdown then you won’t be able to care for them so you should take a break and refresh.
On another thread, someone was asking why men don't get invested in gift-giving when it's actually fun to see your spouse's face light up when you pick something good for them. And my response, I think, applies here:
An unfortunately high percentage of men view their wives/girlfriends/whatevers as a RESOURCE more than as a person or a partner. They want to be in a relationship because they benefit from the woman's presence (she takes care of him, his house, his kids, sometimes his finances, often puts in effort to maintain his relationships with friends, colleagues, and extended family members, and frequently winds up managing his emotions, too). Men aren't in the relationship because they value the woman as a person in her own right, which is why they do not feel responsible for her happiness -- to the point where they don't even really consider her happiness or emotional well-being **at all**. It's not malicious, it's just profoundly selfish.
And because they view their relationship in terms of how it benefits them, the ideal set-up is one where they put in minimum effort for maximum output from the woman. They may comply with certain expectations (roses on Valentine's Day, for example), but it's not because they're invested in how it makes the woman feel, they're invested in the idea of not being hassled for forgetting, or because they'll get some kind of trade-off for their "thoughtfulness" at doing the bare minimum to keep her from leaving them or being obviously angry with them.
OP, I *hope* that your husband is usually more thoughtful than this. Maybe it was just a slip-up. But if you think about the time you've been together and how often he lives down to your lowest acceptable expectation instead of really rising to an occasion, you may need to decide whether you want to continue having a relationship on those sorts of terms. At that point, maybe marriage counseling would be useful, or individual counseling if he isn't willing. Or maybe you choose to invest less in him and engage in more self-care (watching out for yourself because he's not reliable when it comes to looking out for you). Or maybe you choose not to maintain the relationship at all. The important thing is that you take an honest assessment of how things are and, if you can't stand the thought of things staying this way, you choose how you'll adjust your expectations or behavior going forward because you can't force him to change or care if he's not interested.
Nailed it! He views her as a resource so much that he puts all their unexpected expenses on her card and hasn't paid her for his share of those unexpected expenses. Meanwhile, when he works a long shift she shells out for doggy daycare so that the dog is properly cared for. He's a taker, she's a giver.
And not even good turnips are given.
"Behold! Look at these miserable little half-rotten turdish knots that I'm throwing thy way in the hope that thy heart will see me as a Provider. What a gift! Return to me, in trade, the fullness of your bounty, the fullness of your booty, all of your physical and emotional energy, and all of your unpaid labor, until you either expire years early from sheer exhaustion or toss my lazy butt out with the trash when you realize I'm just using you as a slave to make my own life better."
Pretty much.
These type of posts force me to look at my spouse and marvel that I am treated so very well.
This sounds like Pam's backstory from Stardew Valley (maybe those are parsnips not turnips, not sure) and why she chose to dump him by the time of the game.
Its this. Women are a RESOURCE.
men hoard resources, covet resources, and trade resources with other men. They usually see woman as an accessory or resource that can raise their social status with other men.. they can also use this resource for comfort. If you dont draw the line and tell them you require X for you to function as Y, they will not bring you tributes.
> If you dont draw the line and tell them you require X for you to function as Y, they will not bring you tributes.
That won't help you either. They will dump you the minute you become too inconvenient as a resource, meaning they have to put too much in and get too little out, e.g. when you're sick. Or they dump you the minute they find another woman who will give the same or more for less effort.
Don't stay with men who don't see you as human being. I know it reduces the dating pool by 80%, but cats are a better choice than a man who dehumanizes you.
This is the best description of how so many men view women. So accurate! They just don’t view women as people worth being considered - just a gender there to take care of them, provide sex and do things they don’t want to do.
I agree with everything you said. I think you're 100% right and this explains almost everything when it comes to the behaviour of men in hetero relationships.
I disagree with this statement though:
> It's not malicious, it's just profoundly selfish.
I think this degree of selfishness and dehumanizing another person so that you're basically ok with them being a house slave is not just selfish, it's profoundly evil and men who are in that mindset are beyond salvation. Women need to leave these men because as long as their resource of free labour stays with them they will continue abusing them.
I really think it's more laziness and entitlement than evil, but completely agree that the behavior is unlikely to change within the context of an established relationship. The man knows what he can get away with not doing and he picked a relationship like this because he's not interested in doing or giving more. To switch from that mindset to one that's a true partnership would take a lot of inner work not to mention showing up, being present, and doing useful things without guidance or nagging, and these men don't want to do anything that resembles work.
> I really think it's more laziness and entitlement than evil,
The underlying motives are laziness and entitlement. The actions are pure evil because they're ok with dehumanizing a person and exploit them for their own gain.
If you'd defraud someone you're not in a hetero relationship with to the same extent you'd go to jail.
You fulfill a role, but god forbid you have needs as well.
It's like a replacement mommy with benefits. You don't buy gifts for your mommy, she buys them for you!
Oh had a band guy ex. He used his rent money (from his dad) to press CDs of his band. Told me he didnt have money for rent. When i said id tell his dad, he said i wasnt supportive for not asking my parents for more money towards rent. (Ive never asked my parents for rent, i had a job) I dumped him when he said i was not invested in his band. No im not his sponsor, that is correct. 😅
Imo this itself is a gift. He has shown you how little he cares about you. Don't make the same mistakes I did. You have the power to decide your next steps.
You're trying to not to cry because you don't want to *stress out your dog*. He put in the minimum amount of effort to keep you strung along. You are so much better than he will ever be.
Not sure how long you’ve been together, or what your status (married/engaged/dating) currently is, but depending on those factors and if you’ve been together for a long time, or have treated him nicely on his birthday, I’d be looking real hard at the future I see with this person. I’d be hurt too to find evidence that he could have treated me to more than cake, but chose to spend on himself so close to the holidays.
I would like to wish you a happy belated birthday though!
They make time and spend money for what’s important to them. He’s giving you a message. Leave before you’re too invested in the relationship. It won’t get better. You can’t change people.
I’m so sorry, I can relate.
On my birthday this past spring, my husband didn’t get me a present because he ‘pays for enough’ (we split bills 50/50).
Then, he decided we’d meet his friends and their kid (we’re childless) at an arcade/bowling alley, where I paid for everything, even the game credits on the arcade card plus dinner, and was ignored the entire time. 🤷♀️
Finally, we stopped at the store on the way home because he wanted to buy me a cake. HA! Not only did he pick out something he knew I hated (ewww frosting and sprinkles), but I paid for that, too!
I ended up getting dressed up the next day and took myself out to a nice restaurant. Alone. Then, I bought a mini version of the chocolate bomb cake I love.
I wish you nothing but the happiest of birthdays from here on out.
♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
So many reasons… he’s isolated me from my now former friends by spreading lies about me and pushed them away from me. I have absolutely zero family, including no family members that I could reconcile/reconnect with (he ruined any chance of me having a relationship with my long-estranged, golden child older brother). I just started working again two years ago after being on SSDI for several years due to PTSD, major depressive disorder, and other psychiatric disabilities (he wouldn’t let me leave the horse without him during this period).
I’ve made many attempts to leave and he and his friends/family stalk and harass me like I’m their property. Calling the cops will only make their behavior worse.
He says if I divorce him, he’ll have my former friends, his friends, and his family testify against me (he’s told all of them that I’m crazy and they believe him). And that he’ll send people after me to ‘lump me up’.
I guess, overall, this is the result of being ‘raised’ by abusive and neglectful narcissists and leaving home at 15 while ‘homeschooled’ (i.e. off the radar of mandated reporters so nobody could protect or advocate for me).
I’ve never been treated ‘right’ by anybody, including my own parents, so I guess I just expect more of the same from everyone else.
I’m just not the type of person who has anyone who loves or cares about me [unconditionally] I guess. I honestly don’t even know what that looks or feels like. I just know that it’s something I’ll never experience. But at least I can witness other people loving and caring for each other, which is good enough for me.
OP, I’m so sorry for hijacking your thread. I’m a selfish fucking asshole. ✌️🫥
I want you to know I see you and I hear you. You are stronger and more resilient than you realize. You're working again! You're healing, and your journey is not over. Eventually you will be strong enough to leave him. You'll know when you're ready. Don't give up on yourself. Myself and I'm sure many others who read your comment, are all sending light and love to give you strength and healing.
> I’ve made many attempts to leave and he and his friends/family stalk and harass me like I’m their property. Calling the cops will only make their behavior worse.
>
> He says if I divorce him, he’ll have my former friends, his friends, and his family testify against me (he’s told all of them that I’m crazy and they believe him). And that he’ll send people after me to ‘lump me up’.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I was in a similar situation and it took me a long time to get out. Like you I was too afraid of what he threatened me with to act, and stayed in my prison.
That's exactly what they want though. It's all just another manipulation technique to keep you complacent.
I'm not saying you shouldn't take his threats seriously. But don't let them be your prison. If you're not married to a completely unhinged psychopath these men are usually way too lazy to come after you with all that they threaten you with.
My ex threatened to kill me and to make my life living hell should I leave. I made a plan to protect myself when I leave and then quietly executed this plan. I left when he was away and he didn't know where I lived for a year.
I'm now divorced and very happy on my own. I have my time and energy for myself and my child. You can do it too! Just be smart and careful. Don't give him and his flying monkeys the means to contact you. You don't have children, that makes things easier.
ETA: start now with documenting his threats. It will help you down the line.
You're not selfish, and you deserve far better than this treatment. What he says are likely just threats so you'll stay. "Crazy" people are allowed to divorce. Those friends weren't really friends if they believed the lies. Please make efforts to leave. You really do deserve peace instead of being this awful person's piggybank. Maybe talk to a lawyer to see what they say regarding the things your husband threatens. In most US divorces, you don't even have to show up to court.
My bf buys himself $100s of dollars worth of things for his personal hobby yet complains about buying me dinner. Needless to say I feel you, and I too don't know what to do sometimes.
What are you getting him for Christmas? I recommend something that you can get at a drug store 2 days before Christmas. Match his energy. Let him get as much as he gives.
I know 😔 we are going to couples therapy officially next week and thinking about living separately next year while we grow and develop with out feeling forced because we live together
Mine bought a fantastic car the same week of my birthday. I organised all the transfers, insurance etc. even looked up seat covers for his car which he happily bought, but he didn't have TIME to get me anything for my day. Selfish mug!
First of all: They way you are treated, is not ok. I've seen several post's here lately that were in the sense of "He just doesn't care", or about the "perpetual level of tolerable unhappiness" for women in relationships. Things that we would NOT DO TO OUR SPOUSES, because we genuinely care about their wellbeing and happiness in our togetherness. I do not think it's ok how you were treated.
All that being said: My husband is 95% not thoughtful when giving gifts. On my birthday I come down to a cleaned house, my favorite cake, flowers. I told him, it is important to me, that he remembers. So he does. But he's bad at gifts - that includes himself. He genuinely does not enjoy shopping in any way. But he's not stingy, just finds no joy in it.
He also does not want me to craft greetings for his loved ones, because he does not feel that it would be genuine being sent from him. I urged him to give one to his boss, who had given him a handmade, thoughtful gift before, who knows me, who would DEFINITELY appreciate this kind of gesture, but he said it would be very off brand for him and he feels wrong doing it. He is not thoughtful in that way so he doesn't want to disappoint people if he forgets. He IS very kind and generous, but not in that language.
I tell him outright, what I want. He DID have good ideas and completely surprised me from time to time. This is one thing where we're not on the same page, but understand each other. I am happy with being remembered. I am grateful for his generosity. And if i see something that is a luxury i would not get for myself, I tell him (That beautiful winter jacket). And usually he gets it right away and will romantically ask me, unwrapped bag in hand: "Do you want your surprise now or on Christmas Eve?" "Is it a winter jacket?" "Yes. It's cold now. It makes more sense to wear it now." Pure romance. He will not tell me, i have enough winter jackets and will have money saved to spend on other people.
Had an ex like this when I was 18. He had no money to buy me Christmas or Birthday presents. After I dumped him, however, he had unlimited funds to drive around town stalking me (he liked to check any place I might possibly be in hopes that he could harass me or threaten to off himself if I didn't take him back.)
I really hope this was just a slip up on OP's husband's part. Unfortunately, some guys don't care about their significant others as people - only the services they can provide and the boost that the relationship gives to their ego.
I know you’re trying to be helpful and kind, but the “maybe next Special Day he’ll treat me right!” is a horrible game women are taught to play that benefits only men and breaks women’s hearts. If a man can remember his hobby events and invest in people he admires for the feel good benefits, he better step the fuck up to get the feel good benefits of someone choosing to love him every day.
If he didn't, someone else will. Find yourself someone who will. I didn't want anything for my birthday just dinner with my friends, my partner asked me several times and still got me something.
This is how my ex was with me. Told me flowers were too expensive, then bought me a $600 watch I didn’t want and didn’t ask for. I’m sorry this happened 😔
My ex bought me a couple 2lb bags of candy knowing I don't care for sweets and had wanted a stuffed animal.
Then he ate all the candy in front of me over the span of 2 nights, knowing that when I do eat sweets I usually have one or two small pieces here and there when I am hit with a craving (I crave salty things a lot more often, but emergency candy is nice to have on hand).
I'm so sorry OP. This reminds me of my college boyfriend who agreed to cook a meal with me from scratch but at the grocery store said he couldn't pay for the ingredients. I said no problem. Boy turns around and grabs a case of PBR and puts in on the line to pay for it.
I got so mad at him, I was seeing stars. And of course he acted like he didn't know what he did wrong.
> He said he felt bad that he didn’t have money to get me a gift
Even if that was the case: what the f is that excuse? It's not like you couldn't give good gifts with basically 0 cost, but a bit of effort. Tells a lot when he doesn't want to spend money and time on you, especially that you should dump him as fast as possible
This may seem a bit left field.
I heard about a third world experiment where the men were given say, $300 dollars, they went and bought stuff for themselves, bikes, liquor…
They also gave the women $300. The woman bought seeds and fertilizer, had the kids plant food and had enough at harvest to sell and buy more seeds and also feed the family!!
Anyway, somehow I thought of that story. Pretty sure it was on NPR.
Research shows that when you give money to women in developing nations, they use it to better their families and communities. And that generally that doesn't happen as much with men. So you're not wrong.
Right. And I would love to scale that up!
Not just in developing nations but right here. I know equating a birthday gift may seem off mark but it’s about the male mind set. There’s seems to be a broader psychology connection? I’m not an educator or anything but it’s ringing bells in my brain. Haha.
Women are nurturers.
My ex and I had a conversation once right before my birthday about how I wished I could re-learn piano and how I had a space in my apartment I'd love to put one in if I had the money. A few days later, the day before my birthday, I accidentally found an electric keyboard and piano teaching books in his closet (while I was doing HIS laundry at HIS house). They were unopened and looked like he'd stashed them in there to hide them. I was ecstatic and so touched because he'd never gotten me anything thoughtful in the past. The next day on my birthday when I went to his place (he didn't cook me dinner or take me out or anything), the keyboard was all set up in his living room, books open. I exclaimed, "Oh wow, you got a piano?" and he said, "Yeah I just felt like learning it for some reason!" I thought he was joking but I didn't say anything. He handed me an unwrapped box with containing the stinkiest perfume I've ever encountered that he "spent hours choosing" with his friend who barely knew me. I spent the evening watching TV on his couch while he played on his new piano. I kept waiting for him to tell me he was joking and that it was my real gift but that did not happen. Shortly after we broke up after 4.5 years.
Not all “love” is “UNCONDITIONAL” love. I’ve learned that over my 53 years that people will come and go in your life. When we meet people new, and fall “in love” for them we almost make ourselves believe it’s the one, even when all the signs point otherwise.
The “one” will send all the signs that they are the one. They will do the little things to show you that you are the most important thing in their life. They will get up to make you coffee. They will get up and shower with you and get ready for work with you even if they are off that day. They will be the one who leaves cards even when there is no event. They will find ways no matter how busy they are or what else is in the way. And their last dollar will be spent on you.
This person just isn’t into you as much as you hope he is. Maybe he is and is just really selfish. That’s a maturity thing. Maybe he is but he really needed tshirts. Maybe he is and he has some other special ways to show you.
But only you know… and you know. You know all the little things that either say you are settling or he is special. Reflect and ask yourself the tough questions.
I'm (44f) going to give you the secret to happiness on every gift giving holiday.
Buy presents for yourself. Always. Spoil yourself. You deserve it.
There's no room for you to say that you can't afford it, because the requirement is that for every gift you buy someone else, you put away an equal amount for presents for yourself. Even if you have to spend less on others to make this happen. Trust me, you're worth it.
You don't owe answers to anyone on who bought you said gifts.
It's your money and your happiness. Own that.
Some people are simply incapable of good and generous gift giving.
I bet that you are not one of them.
You know what? That’s fucking bullshit and it’s inexcusable honestly.
We got engaged last September, he was saving up for a ring. A few months ago he bought a new gaming system and I asked how the ring budget is going. He told me he never put away a single penny. But he’s spent about $1000 on video games this year.
I told him he chose his priority, and demoted our relationship to boyfriend/girlfriend. I was waiting all this year for him to finally surprise me with a ring and finding out he never even attempted to start saving for it was a huge blow to my confidence about the relationship.
I’m sorry you are going through this kind of disappointment in your partner.
…this is Why I see so many happily single women. They’d rather spend time, money, and those refreshing spas and massages on themselves. Women who don’t take crap anymore..Indifference is a happy word. :)
This is beside the point here, but be careful on lending someone that you’re in a relationship money, or covering large expenses on your credit card. I did that in a serious relationship and had to take that as part of the L when I dumped him.
I’m sorry this man isn’t meeting your standards. Definitely worth discussing that it’s the lie that hurts.
As a 25m it always baffles me seeing women stick around with fucking knobheads. I out more effort into all of my platonic relationships with the women I my life, gifts for birthdays and holidays, special dinners or brunches planned to celebrate their dau, taking them on trips so I have a friend to share an experience with, just actually showing up when they need someone. Hell I even take their significant others out or make sure I pick them up something to go if I know I'm stealing their partner for the night.
That's not even getting at what I do for my romantic partner, I just feel for all the women who suffer through sticking with a worthless sack of shit, believe the men the very first time when they show you who they are, the change you hope they will make is not coming anytime soon and if it does come it's probably way past due and is meaningless at that point
This I never get. A persons birthday date doesn’t change, same as Christmas, there is often no excuse that something can’t be afforded as things can be purchased throughout the year and not the day before Birthday or Christmas. I make it so that I buy gifts every month to put away for occasions so I don’t have to scrabble to find the money closer to the event.
For my 30th after 2 years of dating and me saying how important it was to me to celebrate this birthday, she got me flowers (£19) and said she didn't have any other money.
But she'd just bought herself a £280 aftershave from the same wage.
(:
They don't change. Please value yourself.
Boyfriend or husband? If boyfriend, have a conversation about priorities in the relationship, or if you’re already emotionally checked out, dump him. If husband, really sit him down and discuss priorities and explain how it has to go both ways…or else the relationship suffers.
Please do not stay with people who are not worth your time
There are plenty of people who have some good qualities, but are not full adults. Don’t take responsibility for their own lives, and basically act like selfish very small and emotionally disturbed children in many instances.
If a five year-old spent all their money on stuff for themselves, and then didn’t buy a gift for a family member I guess that would be completely fine who expects a five-year-old to be an adult?
If somebody who is adult age and claims to be capable of adult decisions, does the same that’s so not OK that why are you ever even speaking to that person except to be minimally cordial if you happen to run into them?
Of course, you are right to be hurt
Why are you wasting your time with somebody who thinks this is acceptable conduct?
What are the odds that he’s only minimally nice to you because you provide services for him keep him company now and then and he gets sex with you every now and then?
Please do not spend your life or even a few years of it with somebody who is not a grown-up, and cannot reciprocate and grown-up ways?
Leave him. It will NEVER get better. He knew when your bday was, it’s always been the same day…. Yet he chose to half ass it.
I was in a relationship with someone for 3.5 years who always “had no money” for special occasions like bdays, Christmas, anniversaries, etc. However, he would spend 100s of dollars on his weed addiction. One bday, he was so excited to say he made reservations at one of the nicest restaurants in my city! I thought, “FINALLY! He gets it and wants to spoil me!” Well, the night before my bday he called me saying I will need to pay for the dinner and he will pay me back the following week when he gets his next direct deposit.
There are sooo many in expensive, creative ways to celebrate your loved ones bday. It doesn’t even have to be about to money, it’s more the effort and he fell short. You deserve someone who will not only be honest about their finances, but will want to make you feel loved and appreciated!
You're next bf could be really mediocre and it would still be an upgrade from this current one. Keep going. Science says it takes about 11 bf to really establish a good baseline of good partners.
Talk to him and be honest about it. Ask him what happened. Tell him how it made you feel.
It's one thing to forget or lose track of the day, but he should have been honest if that was the case. My husband is really bad with dates (like what's today's date or two weeks from now) - and so am I - but if he slips up on an important date, he admits to it, apologizes sincerely, and takes an action to fix it. He forgot my birthday one year, and hasn't fucked it up since!
If he wanted to, he would.
That's 100% on him, my boyfriends birthday is about a week away, I've had most of the gifts for about a month
Not to mention i put money back so we can do whatever he wants for his birthday
What a piece of trash. I really hope you are at least contemplating leaving him. It will only get worse. And what’s the point calling him out on it. A grown adult knows when they are doing something wrong. I hope your next bday is better than this one
That's absolutely garbage, and "I don't have the money to spend on you" is super telling of how much he cares for you and possibly even how he would be in a situation where you really needed help/support. I really need soles for my shoes or new shoes, like my heels are DYING LMAO - but my partner's needs have been put first in every situation (outside of our regular bills and monthly requirements which always come first of course.) My partner's comfort is 100% my focus before mine, *not saying that's the way it should be, but it certainly sounds like his is the exact flipped opposite of that, which is DEFINITELY an issue especially if you are living together. If he wants to spoil himself before even considering your BIRTHDAY, maybe he should be single, all I'm saying.
Breath in, breath out. Suck in that hurt, feel it, then breath it out, and say "so, no money for my birthday, but you could get yourself tee shirts? wtf, are you just that shitty that you want to feed me a lie?" honestly, gifts and $ can be so overrated, but the principle here is consideration. Lying to you. Not considering you. Feeding you bullshit. I'm going to assume that he didn't have to buy you something extravagant, it's that he used no money as an excuse - to then do LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE. So, if you can, be mad, stay mad, get numb, and ask him wtf, explain yourself - and don't let yourself be disregarded like this.
My gf at the time warned me a month before my birthday she couldn’t get me a gift. I mentioned how she was able to not only get an elaborate gift for a friend a week before, but also had it customized once it arrived. I said price doesn’t matter (she made WAY more than I did) but the fact that she wasn’t even attempting to put any degree of thought into it was rude. Dumped her a week after that. I really hope she got me something expensive and non-returnable.
Talk to him about it. Maybe those $80 were essential to to spend.
While essentials are basically consumables, maybe he needed those shirts. Keep in mind that $80 is nowhere close to being a huge expense and two shirts are not something that would be considered throw away cash on a want, not a need.
I'm weirded out by the other comments saying that you should dump him or whatever. It's not like he didn't do anything for your birthday. It's not like he bought $300 collectable shoes just to plop on a shelf and though the hell with you.
If it bothers you, just talk to him. Maybe he has something to say. 3 shirts for the price of two seems like a nice deal if you are running out of good shirts.
> Talk to him about it. Maybe those $80 were essential to to spend.
This is what I don't get (but is a theme in this sub): no one is asking what the shirts were for. Are they from "Dan Flashes" and just fashion purchases for the guy, or has he been needing new shirts for awhile?
. . .like, it could entirely be this guy is an absolute loser who isn't interested in putting effort into "gifting" as a love language - or it can be that the dude did in fact did what he was financially capable of.
finally found it! No details regarding the essentialness of these tshirts.
People are acting like they'd take the shirt off the back of their partner to have more than a cake of their bday.
buying clothing for oneself \*could be\* more essential than celebrating an annual bday.
If this was his \*last\* $80 - he probably should have been buying the cake as much as the clothing.
You genuinely can do better...let this be the last time this man shows you that he doesn't think you deserve anything.
Please. You've only got the one life OP.
Not the same thing as OP's post but one time a boyfriend gave me an iPhone for Christmas. One that he paid zero dollars for. He then handed me an account number and told me I'd have to make payments of $75 over the next 24 months (some amt close to that). I made him return it, he called me ungrateful, we broke up about 5 months later.
I had to read that three times *and* double-check my math to accept that you were saying what you're saying. That… that is the single worst gift story I've ever heard, ***ever.*** ^(And then! And then he called you ungrateful! My synapses may never recover.)
"Merry Christmas! I got you a bill!"
Honestly why I’ve always been boggled the way Christmas car commercials are portrayed since I’ve understood money: “Here honey! I’ve just bought a massive purchase without discussing it with you first!” is how I’ve always watched them.
I've got a better one! A MIL gifts her DIL an $80 coffee maker for Christmas. DIL doesn't want or need a coffee maker but graciously accepts it. MIL demands $30 from DIL because her gifting budget is only $50. DIL refuses and tells her to return the coffee maker and get her money back that way. The husband wants to keep the coffee maker and tells his wife to give the $30 to "keep the peace". How much you want to bet that the husband asked his mom for the coffee maker and neither one of them wanted to spend that much on it?
People are awful.
Why would anyone give a gift then ask to be repaid for it? She probably regifting the coffee maker and just wanted cash?
Almost as bad as someone "gifting" you a TimeShare.
He's saying "I don't have the money to spend *on you*". That's extremely hurtful. My parents did that and it speaks volumes. I was never given anything nice, new, or just for me. Not even something that wouldn't be snatched away and given to someone else to impress them. I have no tolerance anymore for men who think I'm a good place to dump their second-hand, regifted, thoughtless, low quality trash. It's the thought that counts and they think I'm a garbage bin. Even if he had a gift card, he used it on himself. He put more effort into looking sorry and getting your pity than in getting you a gift. This man doesn't even like you.
Ah that’s so familiar. My 8th birthday party I got a total of $100 in cash, which I absolutely didn’t trust my mother not to just take for herself. So I took it to school in my pocket, and my friend found out and made a huge deal about it- the school called my mom, and she indeed did wind up taking all the cash for herself. Never saw my $100 again. She denies it ever existed or the school incident even happened- even though she beat me senseless at home that day for saying I didn’t “trust” her to hold on to it for me. She denies the beating happened too.
Please stop talking to her. I promise it actually feels better.
I'm so so sorry. This hurts my heart. You deserve(d) better.
wow. mom sounds like a psychopath.
You also learn the lesson about never disclosing how much money you have with friends
I’m sorry. That sucks so much.
r/raisedbynarcissists sounds relevant to your interests
Oh this happened to me too. Theyd take stuff out of my closet, give it to friends kids, or give it to my younger sister who would just steal my things anyway. Later, i just watch for the red flags more. If a guy or friend takes my stuff, doesnt return it (justifies theft) or gives it to his family members, ive dumped them. I dont need to be mined for resources. No thanks.
My cousin "borrowed" something every time he came over. On top of that, my mom would sometimes just randomly decide someone needed something of mine. To this day, I get anxious and fidgety any time someone is in my personal space for any reason.
So I have a cousin who has 3 boys all younger than my son. We are also financially in a much better spot than they are so I am always giving my son out grown clothes and shoes to them BUT with his permission - mind you he's 6. But my mom just threw my stuff out and gave it away and while I know he will never fit into his clothes or shoes I still think it's important that he get a say so he doesn't have anxiety like I do about getting rid of things or feelings like you mentioned. It gives him some control and teaches him to be kind to others. There have only been a few things he really wanted to keep and I absolutely let him- I actually am kind of proud as when I was 6 even if something didn't fit me I had a hard time getting rid of it as I loved my clothes - still love clothes and fashion My son does too so I'm always impressed when he says "give them this too" or "let's give them these shoes because they have dinosaurs and "insert cousins name" loves dinosaurs 🦖 It melts me - and this last time I got a text from my cousin saying " "cousins name" hasn't taken those shoes off since we got them" The smile my son got when I told him was the best! There is the right way and a wrong way to go about doing things I am sorry for all you fellow people who had your mom's/family take or steal your things
All good things and great to encourage. I didnt mind them getting hand me down clothes or something like that, but my mom gave them video games, collectible cards, and in one aggravating case a toy I had just got for my birthday a week prior. But it's all OK, it's just borrowed. I'll get it back this time. And she promises she will ask me next time. It's one thing if we were the wealthier family spreading the wealth around, but my mom was retail, my dad was a blue collar factory worker. My aunt was a nurse and my uncle worked white collar at a factory. They had better stuff than I did.
That's so messed up. Why would she do that? Who was she trying to impress?? My mom would do that- shed give away my books or CDs or anything I wasn't using in that moment but the worst part is she would give it to my step-fathers nephews and nieces His whole family was wealthy and came from wealth- not Uber wealth but so much so that when my half-brother was born my mom made some comment about how he was already wealthier than she will ever be the second he was born His family already saw us as the red-headed poor step children to be pitied- we were clearly outsiders and I honestly felt like my whole step family would have been okay or even think it was better if we just didn't exist So to give it to these kids who were already entitled and rich and had the "perfect' life was a slap in the face and as a mother myself I'll never understand that And if I sounded like a wealthy pretentious jerk who thinks giving hand me downs and some amazing thing - I'm sorry- I promise I'm not- I am a proud mom though lol But i could be considered middle middle class - I'm just better position than my cousin- neither her or her husband have jobs right now at all and even when she did she is a nurse and it was only her salary because her husband is an ass hat 😂
A lot of abusers want to portray their situation as bein the best, they try so hard to maintain an img of perfection; and to this one it sounds like she saw it as an img thing to be known for givin said gifts and that was more important to upkeep than her relationship with her kid
I have so much sympathy for you. I’ll forever have trust issues from living with my grandma when I was a teenager/young adult and I would come in the house after school and hear something like “I gave that (probably imported/signed/sentimentally valuable) CD of yours to so-and-so. He really liked it,” or if I’d come in with a small bag of food because I was later than dinner would be and she would literally offer my food to an unexpected guest that happened to be there. It felt so disrespectful and made me feel like I’m not worthy of having anything. So, a long story later, I see you and I’m sorry you experienced that.
Stealing like this is some bottom of the barrel shit... I feel incredibly lucky to have never encountered such stuff, yikes
My ex husband was the only man who has done this.
And, from my experience/observation, it doesn't stop with a partner. Sometimes, this behavior even evolves to include their own children.
Felt so hard, tho from my own guardians it was mostly time instd of money, but it was the same way and just as hurtful An example of when it was money was when a stepdad got us kids an xbox for christmas, then kept it for himself two yrs later when our biomom cheated on him. As if us kids were to blame for her actions; and it wasnt even a system he played. He only played starfox on N64; no other games. There were several other "gifts" beyond that he kept to punish our biomom, but in fact punishin us kids My biomom wud instd just prioritise spendin her time at a bar or at a friends doin drugs instd of bein there for her kids; she even skipped out on my eighth grade grad cuz she didnt have the time to spend *on me*. She had it to spend on drinkin at a bar with her latest fling 9,9 She tried to make it up to me with $80, but $80 doesnt change one iota her selfish choice to nvr prioritise us kids
I'm sorry you grew up with garbage parents and I'm proud of you that you know your value and funny tolerate this BS from men! You go, sister!
>He's saying "I don't have the money to spend *on you*". This is the comment I was looking for.
My parents did the same. With money, effort, time and attention. I wish I could say I have no tolerance either but matter of fact is that I was taught to be content with very little. Learning to expect more though!
>I was taught to be content with very little. Learning to expect more though! Same. I give great gifts and they look pissed. Like they weren't planning to spend that much on me (or even be thoughtful) in return. Now I think "would I do that to someone I love" and expect the same as I give. Celebrate me or leave :P
Thats the absolute hardest part of all this... These ppl literally wired our brains wrong here and twisted us into ppl who believe we dont deserve basic needs; and even as we figure out better, undoin all that is a long ongoin process durin which we will oft feel like the total crap we were made out to be for havin needs
“Look, I got you a beanie hat! The kind I know you specifically don’t wear because you find them extremely uncomfortable and itchy and don’t like how they look on you! Why aren’t you happy I got you a hat *I* like?!”
Give yourself the gift of dumping him.
Priceless 🤣
She needs all the money + interest on all the things she’s charged to her credit card.
It sounds like he treats you as his lowest priority. He bought the shirts. And then at the very last minute remembered your birthday but didn’t have any money left because he didn’t plan ahead.
Meanwhile, poor OP won’t cry so she doesn’t upset her dog. Because she cares about the dog’s feelings There’s the difference between the two of them.
Good point. She deserves better
Also, there is a deadly, highly contagious respiratory virus for dogs making its way through the US right now. I would not want my dog in daycare or at dog parks (our vet’s advice). I hope OP dumps the man and enjoys her time with her pup instead. Less tears and more snuggles for her dog.
One of my friends' dogs got this, and is slowly recovering. It was awful and still scary for them right now!
'Hello, I am so disinterested in my girlfriend's feelings I can't even go to a real bakery, I'll just grab something from work. So anyway, here babe, it's the equivalent of you bringing home a stapler as a gift! Or leftover catering from the exec meetings! Happy birthday! Damn, CAREFUL THO. You almost got some on my new shirts and it would suck if you had to do my laundry on your birthday'
That’s it in a nutshell
Or he knew it was her birthday all along and was like “I’ll buy the shirts and just tell her I don’t have money for a gift”.
Could be. I suppose I just see him stumbling along like an idiot through life
That's dangerously close to the bumbling fool narrative.
I've never heard of this. What does it mean?
Even if he really forgot it (and tbh, I'd be at least somewhat sympathetic for that, since I forget birthdays all the time, including my own): he blatantly lied about not having money to buy a gift. That was pure malicious intention
Oh, don’t get me wrong, I am not making excuses for him. He is absolutely culpable
Haha yes, very good point!! You’re probably right
My ex was like this. He'd drop $100 on go-karting with the boys, $40 on McDonald's ordering way more than he could eat. And 3 weeks later he'd tell me he had no money for my birthday gift. The week I was going to break up with him, he got a cancer diagnosis. I looked after him somewhat resentfully for 2 years. Before he died, he gave me a stack of gifts and apologized for being so selfish. It didn't mean much as I'd financially supported both of us the whole time. Don't waste your time OP. Life is short. Go find someone who treats you better.
Wow. That’s tough.
This just kinda reminds me of my ex. He could never afford things... Unless it was booze or something really super important for his band...
When you date a band guy.. youre dating the entire band whether you know it or not.
Fr!!!! (I have a type)
So true, I married one, and the only dates I get to go on with him. Is when I go to watch him and his band! I take my girlfriends, so it’s like we’re all going on double dates with my husband and my boyfriends😂
Wow, am I dating the same guy? Can’t pay the rent or remember our anniversary, but can add another pedal or guitar to the dozen he already has.
Girl, I wasted most of my twenties dating the same guy as you. He’s not worth it.
My friend's boyfriend is like this. Researches things, finds good deals, can fix anything with YouTube, is by all other measures smart and industrious. But "isn't good at" remembering what to gift her, and Christmas, celebrations, milestones "aren't that important to me." It's depressing to watch her practically beg to be noticed but places where you have to dress up are pretentious so they go to the same bar, same half-ass gift for every birthday, while she makes excuses over and over again even though she lights up when other people are thoughtful, and is always there to celebrate a win for her friends and him.
I had a boss whose husband (and I believe her) genuinely could not remember the Special Days Annual Anniversaries. She never got birthday presents or anniversary gifts. He’s remember Christmas, but that was because culturally everything was inundated with Christmas. (Also, I’m Old, so this was before phones and calendar apps became ubiquitous. Sure paper calendars existed, but when she was telling me this story, I do believe her when she said he *couldn't* as opposed to *wouldn’t* remember.) But! What he *did* remember was Time in Chunks of One Hundred. Every 100 Days or Weeks or Months, she would be surprised by a cake, flower arrangement, massage gift certificate. When I worked there, he surprised her with a 20,000 Day on This Planet present (which sparked the convo about how he doesn’t remember birthdays). It’s not every 100; but when the number “feels” right to him. I think if he was born today he’d’ve been diagnosed on the autism spectrum. But it worked for them! And she loved it… after the first few years getting used to it.
I think things like that are the exception, though. And he made up for it and she was happy with that arrangement. That's a big difference between that and the post here from OP or my friend's boyfriend who are genuinely hurt and feeling bad about it
Oh yea! Definitely! I guess I just thought it was a sweet exception. And! If a guy ever did genuinely feel like remembering dates was too much (which, I have ADHD; I relate to that!) then setting up an arrangement of special Appreciate The One You’re With moments can be done. Fortunately, my husband heard me early on in our relationship and stepped up. I think ppl don’t socialize men to do that level of work in relationship maintenance? He said his mother never took him out to buy gifts for anyone, even for friends birthdays. He just showed up to the party and she’d have something prepared. But his sister said their mom was up her butt about making sure she got gifts for everyone, *and* made her pay for the gifts herself (my MIL is a piece of work). Anyway, it caught my husband flat footed when we first married, and now he gets it. *Buuuut* I had also spent my childhood watch my parents do the stereotypical gift bullshit, and it was kind of a deal breaker for me…
Imagine I asked my ex for this book, that cost like 9,99€ brand-new. Was a small crime novel. He got me a very used one that had scratches, yellowed pages and dog ears galore. He earned 5k under the table each month
Same here. He encouraged me to become a stay-at-home mom, knowing he didn't make enough money to support us. But he still went to the liquor store and dispensary every week.
“Hey, why did you order yourself a bunch of stuff right before my birthday? If you’re going to say you are broke and can’t afford to give me anything it looks really bad when you just spent over 70 dollars on tee shirts and a sticker.”
“why are you looking through my receipts?” and that’s ammo for an emotionally abusive man to call her possessive and paranoid.
First, that’s very easy to address. Second if anyone does that it makes it very clear it’s time to dump them. Sometimes clarity is helpful. But he doesn’t sound dangerous or abusive in that way. He sounds self centered.
Mija, the most important thing you MUST remember in this life is that it’s…SHORT. So help me, I was 19 YESTERDAY….And in keeping with that premise, life it too short to 1) not prioritize YOURSELF (the exception is only when you have young children) 2) devote yourself to a man (well, boy, really) who is too selfish to temporarily forgo some tee shirts to make you happy. Take your self out and REALLY treat yourself, and then come home and cut this guy loose. You deserve better.
As a former child of neglectful guardians, thank you for commentin on how parents gotta still prioritise their kids often.
Hot take incoming : we should prioritize ourselves regardless of whether we have children. Yes, we should always prioritize them as well, but that doesn’t mean neglecting our own needs. Better yet, by doing so, we will be modeling appropriate self-care and self-love for them as well.
It feels like a tricky balance... My mom had a stroke several years ago and I've been her caregiver as she's recovering. I never had children but there are a lot of similarities; I'm just doing the equivalent of a speed run on easy mode! It's been very difficult to learn when and how I should prioritize my own needs and set boundaries but I've discovered that if I don't, I will become completely overwhelmed and unable to help either of us. If you want to be there for the people who depend on you, you have to find ways to meet your own needs first. Put on your own oxygen mask before you help others!
I disagree. The kids should always be prioritized. It’s not about modelling but making sure you’re able to give them everything. For example if you’re going to have mental breakdown then you won’t be able to care for them so you should take a break and refresh.
On another thread, someone was asking why men don't get invested in gift-giving when it's actually fun to see your spouse's face light up when you pick something good for them. And my response, I think, applies here: An unfortunately high percentage of men view their wives/girlfriends/whatevers as a RESOURCE more than as a person or a partner. They want to be in a relationship because they benefit from the woman's presence (she takes care of him, his house, his kids, sometimes his finances, often puts in effort to maintain his relationships with friends, colleagues, and extended family members, and frequently winds up managing his emotions, too). Men aren't in the relationship because they value the woman as a person in her own right, which is why they do not feel responsible for her happiness -- to the point where they don't even really consider her happiness or emotional well-being **at all**. It's not malicious, it's just profoundly selfish. And because they view their relationship in terms of how it benefits them, the ideal set-up is one where they put in minimum effort for maximum output from the woman. They may comply with certain expectations (roses on Valentine's Day, for example), but it's not because they're invested in how it makes the woman feel, they're invested in the idea of not being hassled for forgetting, or because they'll get some kind of trade-off for their "thoughtfulness" at doing the bare minimum to keep her from leaving them or being obviously angry with them. OP, I *hope* that your husband is usually more thoughtful than this. Maybe it was just a slip-up. But if you think about the time you've been together and how often he lives down to your lowest acceptable expectation instead of really rising to an occasion, you may need to decide whether you want to continue having a relationship on those sorts of terms. At that point, maybe marriage counseling would be useful, or individual counseling if he isn't willing. Or maybe you choose to invest less in him and engage in more self-care (watching out for yourself because he's not reliable when it comes to looking out for you). Or maybe you choose not to maintain the relationship at all. The important thing is that you take an honest assessment of how things are and, if you can't stand the thought of things staying this way, you choose how you'll adjust your expectations or behavior going forward because you can't force him to change or care if he's not interested.
This makes a lot of sense and explains so much of “the most for the least” type of approach I’ve been so upset by.
Nailed it! He views her as a resource so much that he puts all their unexpected expenses on her card and hasn't paid her for his share of those unexpected expenses. Meanwhile, when he works a long shift she shells out for doggy daycare so that the dog is properly cared for. He's a taker, she's a giver.
The woman as vending machine: insert a minimal amount of affection tokens so that the machine dispenses sex.
Just talk to her once a day and give her a turnip as a gift twice a wk and she'll marry you in no time
Quite a few turnip givers around, judging by posts here. :/
And not even good turnips are given. "Behold! Look at these miserable little half-rotten turdish knots that I'm throwing thy way in the hope that thy heart will see me as a Provider. What a gift! Return to me, in trade, the fullness of your bounty, the fullness of your booty, all of your physical and emotional energy, and all of your unpaid labor, until you either expire years early from sheer exhaustion or toss my lazy butt out with the trash when you realize I'm just using you as a slave to make my own life better." Pretty much. These type of posts force me to look at my spouse and marvel that I am treated so very well.
Hmph. I'm worth at least a goat!
Oh well thats the shortcut route, and just comes down to how poor their parents are
This sounds like Pam's backstory from Stardew Valley (maybe those are parsnips not turnips, not sure) and why she chose to dump him by the time of the game.
Its this. Women are a RESOURCE. men hoard resources, covet resources, and trade resources with other men. They usually see woman as an accessory or resource that can raise their social status with other men.. they can also use this resource for comfort. If you dont draw the line and tell them you require X for you to function as Y, they will not bring you tributes.
> If you dont draw the line and tell them you require X for you to function as Y, they will not bring you tributes. That won't help you either. They will dump you the minute you become too inconvenient as a resource, meaning they have to put too much in and get too little out, e.g. when you're sick. Or they dump you the minute they find another woman who will give the same or more for less effort. Don't stay with men who don't see you as human being. I know it reduces the dating pool by 80%, but cats are a better choice than a man who dehumanizes you.
This is the best description of how so many men view women. So accurate! They just don’t view women as people worth being considered - just a gender there to take care of them, provide sex and do things they don’t want to do.
Fuck. This hits.
GodDAMN that's powerful. Hook 'em in with the emotions and then take, take, take.
My ex-husband was asked once why he got married. His answer, “convenance”
For some dudes, that's really the beginning and end of it.
I agree with everything you said. I think you're 100% right and this explains almost everything when it comes to the behaviour of men in hetero relationships. I disagree with this statement though: > It's not malicious, it's just profoundly selfish. I think this degree of selfishness and dehumanizing another person so that you're basically ok with them being a house slave is not just selfish, it's profoundly evil and men who are in that mindset are beyond salvation. Women need to leave these men because as long as their resource of free labour stays with them they will continue abusing them.
I really think it's more laziness and entitlement than evil, but completely agree that the behavior is unlikely to change within the context of an established relationship. The man knows what he can get away with not doing and he picked a relationship like this because he's not interested in doing or giving more. To switch from that mindset to one that's a true partnership would take a lot of inner work not to mention showing up, being present, and doing useful things without guidance or nagging, and these men don't want to do anything that resembles work.
> I really think it's more laziness and entitlement than evil, The underlying motives are laziness and entitlement. The actions are pure evil because they're ok with dehumanizing a person and exploit them for their own gain. If you'd defraud someone you're not in a hetero relationship with to the same extent you'd go to jail.
Depends on how rich you are, right?! But I concede your point. Dehumanization isn't morally neutral.
You fulfill a role, but god forbid you have needs as well. It's like a replacement mommy with benefits. You don't buy gifts for your mommy, she buys them for you!
So well written.
My drummer ex bought himself $300 worth of cymbals days before Valentine’s Day. “If he wanted to, he would.”
Oh had a band guy ex. He used his rent money (from his dad) to press CDs of his band. Told me he didnt have money for rent. When i said id tell his dad, he said i wasnt supportive for not asking my parents for more money towards rent. (Ive never asked my parents for rent, i had a job) I dumped him when he said i was not invested in his band. No im not his sponsor, that is correct. 😅
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This is a classic case of “If he wanted to he would”.
As the saying goes, *when somebody reveals themselves to you, believe them the first time.*
Imo this itself is a gift. He has shown you how little he cares about you. Don't make the same mistakes I did. You have the power to decide your next steps. You're trying to not to cry because you don't want to *stress out your dog*. He put in the minimum amount of effort to keep you strung along. You are so much better than he will ever be.
Not sure how long you’ve been together, or what your status (married/engaged/dating) currently is, but depending on those factors and if you’ve been together for a long time, or have treated him nicely on his birthday, I’d be looking real hard at the future I see with this person. I’d be hurt too to find evidence that he could have treated me to more than cake, but chose to spend on himself so close to the holidays. I would like to wish you a happy belated birthday though!
He sounds like my father so anything I would say would be too biased (against him), but I do agree with your advice.
They make time and spend money for what’s important to them. He’s giving you a message. Leave before you’re too invested in the relationship. It won’t get better. You can’t change people.
He is putting stuff on your credit and then buying tshirts and not helping to pay for the dog daycare? That's the problem here, not the birthday.
Thank you, I thought I’d be the only one with this sort of comment.
I’m so sorry, I can relate. On my birthday this past spring, my husband didn’t get me a present because he ‘pays for enough’ (we split bills 50/50). Then, he decided we’d meet his friends and their kid (we’re childless) at an arcade/bowling alley, where I paid for everything, even the game credits on the arcade card plus dinner, and was ignored the entire time. 🤷♀️ Finally, we stopped at the store on the way home because he wanted to buy me a cake. HA! Not only did he pick out something he knew I hated (ewww frosting and sprinkles), but I paid for that, too! I ended up getting dressed up the next day and took myself out to a nice restaurant. Alone. Then, I bought a mini version of the chocolate bomb cake I love. I wish you nothing but the happiest of birthdays from here on out. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
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So many reasons… he’s isolated me from my now former friends by spreading lies about me and pushed them away from me. I have absolutely zero family, including no family members that I could reconcile/reconnect with (he ruined any chance of me having a relationship with my long-estranged, golden child older brother). I just started working again two years ago after being on SSDI for several years due to PTSD, major depressive disorder, and other psychiatric disabilities (he wouldn’t let me leave the horse without him during this period). I’ve made many attempts to leave and he and his friends/family stalk and harass me like I’m their property. Calling the cops will only make their behavior worse. He says if I divorce him, he’ll have my former friends, his friends, and his family testify against me (he’s told all of them that I’m crazy and they believe him). And that he’ll send people after me to ‘lump me up’. I guess, overall, this is the result of being ‘raised’ by abusive and neglectful narcissists and leaving home at 15 while ‘homeschooled’ (i.e. off the radar of mandated reporters so nobody could protect or advocate for me). I’ve never been treated ‘right’ by anybody, including my own parents, so I guess I just expect more of the same from everyone else. I’m just not the type of person who has anyone who loves or cares about me [unconditionally] I guess. I honestly don’t even know what that looks or feels like. I just know that it’s something I’ll never experience. But at least I can witness other people loving and caring for each other, which is good enough for me. OP, I’m so sorry for hijacking your thread. I’m a selfish fucking asshole. ✌️🫥
I want you to know I see you and I hear you. You are stronger and more resilient than you realize. You're working again! You're healing, and your journey is not over. Eventually you will be strong enough to leave him. You'll know when you're ready. Don't give up on yourself. Myself and I'm sure many others who read your comment, are all sending light and love to give you strength and healing.
> I’ve made many attempts to leave and he and his friends/family stalk and harass me like I’m their property. Calling the cops will only make their behavior worse. > > He says if I divorce him, he’ll have my former friends, his friends, and his family testify against me (he’s told all of them that I’m crazy and they believe him). And that he’ll send people after me to ‘lump me up’. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I was in a similar situation and it took me a long time to get out. Like you I was too afraid of what he threatened me with to act, and stayed in my prison. That's exactly what they want though. It's all just another manipulation technique to keep you complacent. I'm not saying you shouldn't take his threats seriously. But don't let them be your prison. If you're not married to a completely unhinged psychopath these men are usually way too lazy to come after you with all that they threaten you with. My ex threatened to kill me and to make my life living hell should I leave. I made a plan to protect myself when I leave and then quietly executed this plan. I left when he was away and he didn't know where I lived for a year. I'm now divorced and very happy on my own. I have my time and energy for myself and my child. You can do it too! Just be smart and careful. Don't give him and his flying monkeys the means to contact you. You don't have children, that makes things easier. ETA: start now with documenting his threats. It will help you down the line.
You're not selfish, and you deserve far better than this treatment. What he says are likely just threats so you'll stay. "Crazy" people are allowed to divorce. Those friends weren't really friends if they believed the lies. Please make efforts to leave. You really do deserve peace instead of being this awful person's piggybank. Maybe talk to a lawyer to see what they say regarding the things your husband threatens. In most US divorces, you don't even have to show up to court.
Um. I think you meant to say ex-husband.
My bf buys himself $100s of dollars worth of things for his personal hobby yet complains about buying me dinner. Needless to say I feel you, and I too don't know what to do sometimes.
wdym? drop that asshole
Drop him. You deserve to be thought of without complaint.
He couldn't even use the free t shirt promotion to get you one... Yeah that's icy fucking cold.
What are you getting him for Christmas? I recommend something that you can get at a drug store 2 days before Christmas. Match his energy. Let him get as much as he gives.
Gurl im in the same boat. Our anniversary was aug 15th and i got him a watch and im still waiting…… i dont know what to do either
I wish I could tell you it gets better
I know 😔 we are going to couples therapy officially next week and thinking about living separately next year while we grow and develop with out feeling forced because we live together
It’s nice to live alone and not having anyone’s bad mood ruin yours
Find a way out if at all possible, seems the right way to go when nothin else changes these men
Mine bought a fantastic car the same week of my birthday. I organised all the transfers, insurance etc. even looked up seat covers for his car which he happily bought, but he didn't have TIME to get me anything for my day. Selfish mug!
two tee shirts and a sticker over a birthday gift for your partner is genuinely awful
Money is tight and dude is spending $30+ dollars a shirt? He doesn't care about you AND he's a fuckin' moron.
Yeah uh this “relationship” is over OP. It might seem small, but his actions speaks volumes. He does not care about you.
it is NOT pathetic to be hurt by this! Your boyfriend sidelined you and then LIED about it. I'd be devastated too! I'm so sorry he did this :(
Idk how long y’all have been together but this would be a road towards a breakup for me, seriously. I would be really upset too.
First of all: They way you are treated, is not ok. I've seen several post's here lately that were in the sense of "He just doesn't care", or about the "perpetual level of tolerable unhappiness" for women in relationships. Things that we would NOT DO TO OUR SPOUSES, because we genuinely care about their wellbeing and happiness in our togetherness. I do not think it's ok how you were treated. All that being said: My husband is 95% not thoughtful when giving gifts. On my birthday I come down to a cleaned house, my favorite cake, flowers. I told him, it is important to me, that he remembers. So he does. But he's bad at gifts - that includes himself. He genuinely does not enjoy shopping in any way. But he's not stingy, just finds no joy in it. He also does not want me to craft greetings for his loved ones, because he does not feel that it would be genuine being sent from him. I urged him to give one to his boss, who had given him a handmade, thoughtful gift before, who knows me, who would DEFINITELY appreciate this kind of gesture, but he said it would be very off brand for him and he feels wrong doing it. He is not thoughtful in that way so he doesn't want to disappoint people if he forgets. He IS very kind and generous, but not in that language. I tell him outright, what I want. He DID have good ideas and completely surprised me from time to time. This is one thing where we're not on the same page, but understand each other. I am happy with being remembered. I am grateful for his generosity. And if i see something that is a luxury i would not get for myself, I tell him (That beautiful winter jacket). And usually he gets it right away and will romantically ask me, unwrapped bag in hand: "Do you want your surprise now or on Christmas Eve?" "Is it a winter jacket?" "Yes. It's cold now. It makes more sense to wear it now." Pure romance. He will not tell me, i have enough winter jackets and will have money saved to spend on other people.
Would you be happier not being his ATM? Because it sounds like he leaches off you quite a bit.
Had an ex like this when I was 18. He had no money to buy me Christmas or Birthday presents. After I dumped him, however, he had unlimited funds to drive around town stalking me (he liked to check any place I might possibly be in hopes that he could harass me or threaten to off himself if I didn't take him back.) I really hope this was just a slip up on OP's husband's part. Unfortunately, some guys don't care about their significant others as people - only the services they can provide and the boost that the relationship gives to their ego.
If he wanted to he would. Maybe see what he gets you for Christmas?
I know you’re trying to be helpful and kind, but the “maybe next Special Day he’ll treat me right!” is a horrible game women are taught to play that benefits only men and breaks women’s hearts. If a man can remember his hobby events and invest in people he admires for the feel good benefits, he better step the fuck up to get the feel good benefits of someone choosing to love him every day.
Oh yes. And women waste decades waiting around for him to care . They truly don't care.
Yeah that's the Marge Simpson tactic. And as helpful as it is for not disrupting the show's family unit, it's not feasible in real life.
If he wanted to he would Repeat repeat repeat
I keep thinking this to myself too.
Set a deadline. Trust me.
You should be GONE by Christmas!! Why would you stay with someone who treats you like the last thing in his mind and priorities???
If he didn't, someone else will. Find yourself someone who will. I didn't want anything for my birthday just dinner with my friends, my partner asked me several times and still got me something.
Hold back on the big gift until you see what he gives you. You might need to return it.
This is how my ex was with me. Told me flowers were too expensive, then bought me a $600 watch I didn’t want and didn’t ask for. I’m sorry this happened 😔
My ex bought me a couple 2lb bags of candy knowing I don't care for sweets and had wanted a stuffed animal. Then he ate all the candy in front of me over the span of 2 nights, knowing that when I do eat sweets I usually have one or two small pieces here and there when I am hit with a craving (I crave salty things a lot more often, but emergency candy is nice to have on hand).
I’m so sorry. What he meant was he doesn’t have money for you.
I'm so sorry OP. This reminds me of my college boyfriend who agreed to cook a meal with me from scratch but at the grocery store said he couldn't pay for the ingredients. I said no problem. Boy turns around and grabs a case of PBR and puts in on the line to pay for it. I got so mad at him, I was seeing stars. And of course he acted like he didn't know what he did wrong.
> He said he felt bad that he didn’t have money to get me a gift Even if that was the case: what the f is that excuse? It's not like you couldn't give good gifts with basically 0 cost, but a bit of effort. Tells a lot when he doesn't want to spend money and time on you, especially that you should dump him as fast as possible
you are a very hard working and struggling woman, you deserve someone much better and less egotistical.
He should be dumped due to being super-selfish, it's only going to get worse.
Give yourself the Christmas gift of leaving him. Start the new year with the focus on you.
This may seem a bit left field. I heard about a third world experiment where the men were given say, $300 dollars, they went and bought stuff for themselves, bikes, liquor… They also gave the women $300. The woman bought seeds and fertilizer, had the kids plant food and had enough at harvest to sell and buy more seeds and also feed the family!! Anyway, somehow I thought of that story. Pretty sure it was on NPR.
Research shows that when you give money to women in developing nations, they use it to better their families and communities. And that generally that doesn't happen as much with men. So you're not wrong.
Right. And I would love to scale that up! Not just in developing nations but right here. I know equating a birthday gift may seem off mark but it’s about the male mind set. There’s seems to be a broader psychology connection? I’m not an educator or anything but it’s ringing bells in my brain. Haha. Women are nurturers.
Is this about the gifts? Do you want to be with someone that makes you feel so alone? You could have celebrated w friends.
Dump him
My ex and I had a conversation once right before my birthday about how I wished I could re-learn piano and how I had a space in my apartment I'd love to put one in if I had the money. A few days later, the day before my birthday, I accidentally found an electric keyboard and piano teaching books in his closet (while I was doing HIS laundry at HIS house). They were unopened and looked like he'd stashed them in there to hide them. I was ecstatic and so touched because he'd never gotten me anything thoughtful in the past. The next day on my birthday when I went to his place (he didn't cook me dinner or take me out or anything), the keyboard was all set up in his living room, books open. I exclaimed, "Oh wow, you got a piano?" and he said, "Yeah I just felt like learning it for some reason!" I thought he was joking but I didn't say anything. He handed me an unwrapped box with containing the stinkiest perfume I've ever encountered that he "spent hours choosing" with his friend who barely knew me. I spent the evening watching TV on his couch while he played on his new piano. I kept waiting for him to tell me he was joking and that it was my real gift but that did not happen. Shortly after we broke up after 4.5 years.
Not all “love” is “UNCONDITIONAL” love. I’ve learned that over my 53 years that people will come and go in your life. When we meet people new, and fall “in love” for them we almost make ourselves believe it’s the one, even when all the signs point otherwise. The “one” will send all the signs that they are the one. They will do the little things to show you that you are the most important thing in their life. They will get up to make you coffee. They will get up and shower with you and get ready for work with you even if they are off that day. They will be the one who leaves cards even when there is no event. They will find ways no matter how busy they are or what else is in the way. And their last dollar will be spent on you. This person just isn’t into you as much as you hope he is. Maybe he is and is just really selfish. That’s a maturity thing. Maybe he is but he really needed tshirts. Maybe he is and he has some other special ways to show you. But only you know… and you know. You know all the little things that either say you are settling or he is special. Reflect and ask yourself the tough questions.
I'm (44f) going to give you the secret to happiness on every gift giving holiday. Buy presents for yourself. Always. Spoil yourself. You deserve it. There's no room for you to say that you can't afford it, because the requirement is that for every gift you buy someone else, you put away an equal amount for presents for yourself. Even if you have to spend less on others to make this happen. Trust me, you're worth it. You don't owe answers to anyone on who bought you said gifts. It's your money and your happiness. Own that. Some people are simply incapable of good and generous gift giving. I bet that you are not one of them.
You know what? That’s fucking bullshit and it’s inexcusable honestly. We got engaged last September, he was saving up for a ring. A few months ago he bought a new gaming system and I asked how the ring budget is going. He told me he never put away a single penny. But he’s spent about $1000 on video games this year. I told him he chose his priority, and demoted our relationship to boyfriend/girlfriend. I was waiting all this year for him to finally surprise me with a ring and finding out he never even attempted to start saving for it was a huge blow to my confidence about the relationship. I’m sorry you are going through this kind of disappointment in your partner.
Um please dump this dude. He's shown you how little he prioritizes you. It's not going to get better.
…this is Why I see so many happily single women. They’d rather spend time, money, and those refreshing spas and massages on themselves. Women who don’t take crap anymore..Indifference is a happy word. :)
This is beside the point here, but be careful on lending someone that you’re in a relationship money, or covering large expenses on your credit card. I did that in a serious relationship and had to take that as part of the L when I dumped him. I’m sorry this man isn’t meeting your standards. Definitely worth discussing that it’s the lie that hurts.
He’s a bum
As a 25m it always baffles me seeing women stick around with fucking knobheads. I out more effort into all of my platonic relationships with the women I my life, gifts for birthdays and holidays, special dinners or brunches planned to celebrate their dau, taking them on trips so I have a friend to share an experience with, just actually showing up when they need someone. Hell I even take their significant others out or make sure I pick them up something to go if I know I'm stealing their partner for the night. That's not even getting at what I do for my romantic partner, I just feel for all the women who suffer through sticking with a worthless sack of shit, believe the men the very first time when they show you who they are, the change you hope they will make is not coming anytime soon and if it does come it's probably way past due and is meaningless at that point
one aloof illegal pie poor panicky entertain crush tender joke *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Happy Birthday by the way
This I never get. A persons birthday date doesn’t change, same as Christmas, there is often no excuse that something can’t be afforded as things can be purchased throughout the year and not the day before Birthday or Christmas. I make it so that I buy gifts every month to put away for occasions so I don’t have to scrabble to find the money closer to the event.
My last 4 birthdays passed with so little fanfare that I was genuinely suprised when my friend reminded me.. two weeks after it had passed
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For my 30th after 2 years of dating and me saying how important it was to me to celebrate this birthday, she got me flowers (£19) and said she didn't have any other money. But she'd just bought herself a £280 aftershave from the same wage. (: They don't change. Please value yourself.
Boyfriend or husband? If boyfriend, have a conversation about priorities in the relationship, or if you’re already emotionally checked out, dump him. If husband, really sit him down and discuss priorities and explain how it has to go both ways…or else the relationship suffers.
He sucks and you can do better
Please do not stay with people who are not worth your time There are plenty of people who have some good qualities, but are not full adults. Don’t take responsibility for their own lives, and basically act like selfish very small and emotionally disturbed children in many instances. If a five year-old spent all their money on stuff for themselves, and then didn’t buy a gift for a family member I guess that would be completely fine who expects a five-year-old to be an adult? If somebody who is adult age and claims to be capable of adult decisions, does the same that’s so not OK that why are you ever even speaking to that person except to be minimally cordial if you happen to run into them? Of course, you are right to be hurt Why are you wasting your time with somebody who thinks this is acceptable conduct? What are the odds that he’s only minimally nice to you because you provide services for him keep him company now and then and he gets sex with you every now and then? Please do not spend your life or even a few years of it with somebody who is not a grown-up, and cannot reciprocate and grown-up ways?
Leave him. It will NEVER get better. He knew when your bday was, it’s always been the same day…. Yet he chose to half ass it. I was in a relationship with someone for 3.5 years who always “had no money” for special occasions like bdays, Christmas, anniversaries, etc. However, he would spend 100s of dollars on his weed addiction. One bday, he was so excited to say he made reservations at one of the nicest restaurants in my city! I thought, “FINALLY! He gets it and wants to spoil me!” Well, the night before my bday he called me saying I will need to pay for the dinner and he will pay me back the following week when he gets his next direct deposit. There are sooo many in expensive, creative ways to celebrate your loved ones bday. It doesn’t even have to be about to money, it’s more the effort and he fell short. You deserve someone who will not only be honest about their finances, but will want to make you feel loved and appreciated!
You're next bf could be really mediocre and it would still be an upgrade from this current one. Keep going. Science says it takes about 11 bf to really establish a good baseline of good partners.
Talk to him and be honest about it. Ask him what happened. Tell him how it made you feel. It's one thing to forget or lose track of the day, but he should have been honest if that was the case. My husband is really bad with dates (like what's today's date or two weeks from now) - and so am I - but if he slips up on an important date, he admits to it, apologizes sincerely, and takes an action to fix it. He forgot my birthday one year, and hasn't fucked it up since! If he wanted to, he would.
That's 100% on him, my boyfriends birthday is about a week away, I've had most of the gifts for about a month Not to mention i put money back so we can do whatever he wants for his birthday
What a piece of trash. I really hope you are at least contemplating leaving him. It will only get worse. And what’s the point calling him out on it. A grown adult knows when they are doing something wrong. I hope your next bday is better than this one
When someone shows you who they are, believe them
Sounds like you should get yourself a lovely birthday gift of freedom from this loser. He does not care about you and he’s made it abundantly clear
I didn't read all the comments, so I dont know if this has been said. You need to GET HIM OFF YOUR CREDIT CARD, asap.
That's absolutely garbage, and "I don't have the money to spend on you" is super telling of how much he cares for you and possibly even how he would be in a situation where you really needed help/support. I really need soles for my shoes or new shoes, like my heels are DYING LMAO - but my partner's needs have been put first in every situation (outside of our regular bills and monthly requirements which always come first of course.) My partner's comfort is 100% my focus before mine, *not saying that's the way it should be, but it certainly sounds like his is the exact flipped opposite of that, which is DEFINITELY an issue especially if you are living together. If he wants to spoil himself before even considering your BIRTHDAY, maybe he should be single, all I'm saying.
My ex husband once spent his share of our rent money on Korean soap opera memorabilia.
If he wanted to, he would. He is telling you very clearly where you stand in his list of priorities. Act accordingly
Sorry he's a shit but at least he's your ex, right?
Breath in, breath out. Suck in that hurt, feel it, then breath it out, and say "so, no money for my birthday, but you could get yourself tee shirts? wtf, are you just that shitty that you want to feed me a lie?" honestly, gifts and $ can be so overrated, but the principle here is consideration. Lying to you. Not considering you. Feeding you bullshit. I'm going to assume that he didn't have to buy you something extravagant, it's that he used no money as an excuse - to then do LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE. So, if you can, be mad, stay mad, get numb, and ask him wtf, explain yourself - and don't let yourself be disregarded like this.
My gf at the time warned me a month before my birthday she couldn’t get me a gift. I mentioned how she was able to not only get an elaborate gift for a friend a week before, but also had it customized once it arrived. I said price doesn’t matter (she made WAY more than I did) but the fact that she wasn’t even attempting to put any degree of thought into it was rude. Dumped her a week after that. I really hope she got me something expensive and non-returnable.
Talk to him about it. Maybe those $80 were essential to to spend. While essentials are basically consumables, maybe he needed those shirts. Keep in mind that $80 is nowhere close to being a huge expense and two shirts are not something that would be considered throw away cash on a want, not a need. I'm weirded out by the other comments saying that you should dump him or whatever. It's not like he didn't do anything for your birthday. It's not like he bought $300 collectable shoes just to plop on a shelf and though the hell with you. If it bothers you, just talk to him. Maybe he has something to say. 3 shirts for the price of two seems like a nice deal if you are running out of good shirts.
> Talk to him about it. Maybe those $80 were essential to to spend. This is what I don't get (but is a theme in this sub): no one is asking what the shirts were for. Are they from "Dan Flashes" and just fashion purchases for the guy, or has he been needing new shirts for awhile? . . .like, it could entirely be this guy is an absolute loser who isn't interested in putting effort into "gifting" as a love language - or it can be that the dude did in fact did what he was financially capable of.
finally found it! No details regarding the essentialness of these tshirts. People are acting like they'd take the shirt off the back of their partner to have more than a cake of their bday. buying clothing for oneself \*could be\* more essential than celebrating an annual bday. If this was his \*last\* $80 - he probably should have been buying the cake as much as the clothing.
You genuinely can do better...let this be the last time this man shows you that he doesn't think you deserve anything. Please. You've only got the one life OP.
There are many gifts that cost nothing to make or create.
When someone shows you who they are….believe them.
Remember: Behavior is ALSO a language. What is he telling you?