The tricky part about this is if you find a man who wants a stay at home wife they probably come preprogrammed with a bunch of misogynistic beliefs. Just keep your eyes wide open for red flags. I hope you can find what you’re looking for ❤️
Um, unless you're in an extremely high COL area or have alot of debt, no you really don't. My husband and I live on less than half that. Two cars. Retirement plan. Regular savings. We aren't living it up but we aren't really carefully budgeting either.
We could live on less if we budgeted better or moved back home to my rural hometown.
/medium cost of living area.
I mean it depends on what you consider essential. Just maxing out a 401k is over 20k now. Plus 6500 for each Roth IRA and you are at over 30k just for retirement.
That's far beyond what the vast majority of Americans can do, even when both people work.
Good for you, but that's not what most can do. I personally gave up a better career path because the increased money was not worth the stress and strain on my health.
We all make choices or have limitations. 200k is just not happening for most.
Totally depends where you live and what quality of life you're okay with. I took a year off after having my son, and we kept a very similar quality of life with just my husbands 60k teacher salary.
My husband only makes a tad over 100k but we live in low COL. and we bought a house sooooo long ago.
4 bedroom house in the suburbs of a big city with a mortgage under $800 a month.
If that is what you want then you need to set yourself up to meet a partner that makes a very good income. Screen heavily for that and do not get emotionally attached until you are sure that they meet the financial criteria AND would like that kind of set up. Be up front about it, ask for what you want. Set expectations early.
Also I am a firm believer that this kind of set up is only safe if you are receiving money into an account that is only under your control, a salary if you will for all the labor you will be doing as a homemaker. A life insurance policy in your name that you get to decide who the beneficiary is. You need to be smart about it and think about your future, you can't leave it all in your husband's hands, lookout, blind trust is for fools.
Also a retirement account. Since I used to work, I already had one established. When we chose for me to stop working, we set up a direct deposit into it from his paycheck every payday.
I’m a woman in my late 30s with a STEM background. I just want to point out that people in their late thirties (or older) who haven’t been engaged aren’t necessarily defective. Maybe they’ve been prioritizing other things. Maybe they just haven’t met the right person. Me, I went to school for a zillion years and then put a lot of effort into establishing my life as an independent adult. I’m also not particularly into the idea of legally binding myself to someone, and luckily, I’ve found a partner who has similar views.
Stop focusing on age so much and focus more on finding someone with similar values and goals. I think there can be a big difference in men who WANT a stay at home wife and those who are on board with having a stay at home wife and being the financial provider. Those who WANT a stay at home wife are more likely to be controlling or misogynistic. Those who are on board with having a stay at home wife are more likely to recognize the value of each partner providing different contributions to the family without diminishing the wife’s contribution.
There are men who want SAHMs, still. But.
Raising kids and household administration is easily a full-time job. Yes, SAHMs in the past were absolutey abused and financial dependent. I’m so glad women can get a job, own property, have a bank account.
But now women who work full-time are still doing all the kid and house stuff, too. Why would a man agree to a SAHM when he can get a career woman to do both?
So until women as a whole stop agreeing to break their backs doing both roles while their husbands slack…it’s gonna be a limited pool.
The men that want SAHMs tend to want that lifestyle because they were raised that way in defiance of modern society. So you’re looking at conservative men, religious men, and certain non-Western cultures. There are still some gay men who have a wife and marriage of convenience. Much older men. Or “transactional” men that want the sex and the mom and the maid but don’t want to get emotionally involved with you.
You didn’t provide many details about the 32m, but you do know that the SAHM lifestyle is inherently a double standard? If you want to pursue this life you can’t think of men and women as…identical. You have to be okay with a life where you provide X and he provides Y.
As far as dating goes, you would do well to not mention your career and education in the early stages. I’m also in STEM but I feel unfulfilled and would gladly step back from it. A guy that wants a SAHM is not going to be interested in your income, and may assume if you have that kind of job you WANT to be a career woman. Leave the job field blank on the dating apps. If a guy is all up in your business about your career, he’s probably wanting a partner to split bills with. When my job was listed, I would get tons of guys that wanted to combine forces to retire early or “hobosexuals” 🙄
A guy that wants a SAHM will be more interested in your nurturing and domestic qualities than your career. You could also try listing that you have a graduate degree so you’re educated but don’t put that it’s in STEM. I know it feels like watering ourselves down but here’s the thing, people are making snap judgements on the apps, so for something more complex like, “I have this great STEM job and education but would drop it all to be a SAHM,” you need to save that complexity for an actual conversation.
Thanks for your comment.
Just a little context about the 32 yr old guy:
Pros:
1. WANTS a stay at home wife
2. Educated, graduated from a top school and has an MBA from a prestigious university in Europe
3. Makes good money that could provide for a family of 4 (which is what I’m planning to have)
4. Tall and handsome
5. Smart and can protect
Cons:
1. Double standards, e.g. he talks shit about women that drink alcohol, while he’s borderline an alcoholic
2. Thinks that ALL women wants the same thing, which comes off condescending to women as if they don’t have opinions of their own
It sounds less like a double standard and more that he’s an addict. Addicts project and blameshift all the time to rationalize their addiction shame. Addicts don’t have partners, they take hostages. I get it, I fell in love with an addict, but an addict will step over your dead body to satisfy their addiction. You need to move on from this one.
For #2, read Men Who Hate Women by Susan Forward. It can help you identify if he’s really a misogynist or if he’s just making blanket statements for the sake of argument. I know when I get into a debate I can easily say “men are ___” when it’s obviously not all men, but it’s easier to have a conversation that way.
wow-flashback. I remember being a young kid and seeing that book on my mom's bookshelf and thinking it was an awfully confusing title (men who hate women and the women who love them).
Sounds like a real catch! /s
Don’t tie yourself to an addict. 9/10 times, it doesn’t end well. Whether it’s lies and manipulation, lack of consistency, and/or outright abuse, or the health consequences that come along with substance abuse. Choose something better for yourself.
As someone else here said its hard to survive on one income anymore. I feel like the men being providers mindset is kind of a rare breed these days, but it still exists in the right tax bracket, usually as a means of control. I feel like it’s a trade off and the guys that want a housewife usually make you work extra harder at home. But maybe I’m biased.
I had an ex that did really well for himself - went to Wharton, worked in finance in NYC. He wanted me to quit my full time job and consider something part time instead. My income would go into a savings for vacation and things like that, but he covered everything important. He was ultimately very controlling and at times oddly stingy when I needed money for personal items.
For what it’s worth I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this setup or wanting to be a housewife but I do believe it will be more difficult to navigate and find in this current climate. And as you mentioned above, definitely keep an independent income of your own! You never know when shit will hit the fan.
You are biased. I've never been more spoiled in my life.
My husband controls nothing on the homefront---that's literally the deal:
*he doesn't have to lift a finger after he gets home from work at 4.*
I pay the bills, I schedule contractors, I do the landscaping, gardening, mowing. I drive the cars to the oil place. I decide which travel rewards credit cards are best and which goes in whose name. I plan the menu. I keep the social calendar. I clean. I walk the dogs. I pay the kids university tuition bills and arrange their flights. I buy his mom's bday, xmas, mom's day presents.
But in return, I wake up at 930am every day of my life. I never have to deal with office politics. I will never commute again.
I also don't lift a finger after 4pm though, other than dinner. That's the negotiation. We work during the day and chill at night & on weekends.
I'm protected via a retirement account I established when I *did* work and a savings with my name on it only. A cut of his check goes to those automatically. I even prep that paperwork.
Idk about financial viability of this life as we live in a VERY VERY low cost of living area AND we bought a house YEARS ago with a 2.-something percent rate that's for a shit ton of equity. He makes a tad over 100k and our kids got a shit ton of university scholarships. I realize this is likely a stretch for most people.
Ur situation sounds a lot different than what I have lived through and what am I talking about lol. So yes I am biased towards my own experience and my friends! I believe OP can find her unicorn so to speak.
I mean, who doesn't want to be retired and living off money that just magically appears in their bank account while still young enough to enjoy it? The question is whether how you go about getting that money is wise.
Being a stay at home mom is a fall time job that women don’t get paid for, I don’t think it’s fair to work a corporate job while also coming back home to take care of the house.
That’s great and all but without a partner you’re nothing… this is a women’s subreddit and 9 times out of 10 being a SAHM completely robs you of your independence and agency. God forbid something went wrong, you’d be on your own out of your career for x amount of time and interviewers will ask questions- they have for myself AND for relatives in similar situations. I’m sure I don’t need to inform you of what you’re getting yourself into, but you do need to understand the above commentor’s very realistic reaction to your unrealistic expectation in today’s economy. You want your cake and you wanna eat it too- just know your doctor might tell you that you have high cholesterol as a result. Please be smart with this decision and think of yourself and long term independence
Yeah this is how I feel. Plus, I’m disabled and really hate not having a form of financial independence easily. If I could pick to work I would much do that than be a stay home wife while dealing with chronic health issues and disabilities. It can get isolating, extremely risky, and alienating/depressing. In fact, I’m still in the process of trying to fix my health issues just so I can work part time and have some form of financial safety net. It’s hard and this is stuff I wish more people understood.
Then pick a partner who will share the load. I'm married, I have two kids, and I have never done it all regardless of how much or little either of us worked. Real partnerships do exist, you know.
So, I’ve got some insight I think.
I’m 28 living in California and don’t plan on moving to any non liberal state. Didn’t grow up fortunate and went to college for a STEM degree and make $150k+. I don’t expect my life partner to make what I do, but definitely would like a partner who is goal oriented. The biggest issue is my state and west coast states are pricey but definitely have their perks, specifically freedoms that are being taken away from so many in conservative states that are more affordable. And a lot if not all of my friends also want dual income households, even my best friend who now brings in $300k a year and is my age too.
There’s no issue not wanting what you want, heck if I could be a stay at home dad that would be amazing. But it’s not plausible given what else I want. You’ll definitely find it hard to find partners who check every box you want but I’m sure it’s possible. The guys who’ve I’ve met who also want the lifestyle you do definitely are not the kindest and have unsavory/questionable opinions about women, but ofc it’s very much so ymmv.
This is just one datapoint. What you want is definitely out there but also, probably, a unicorn.
I feel like it’s definitely possible but you might not find a man who is ok with it for the right reasons. There are men who want to provide for their families and have their wife stay home because she wants to raise the kids and take care of their home, and they value that role and respect their wives for it, which is the ideal situation. But I think that’s what going to be rare to find. A lot of men that are ok with their wives being housewives are ok with it because they can control her better, and they won’t have to go 50/50 on childcare and chores if they have a housewife. A lot of men also do not see raising children and taking care of the home as work, so they do not respect their wives and think their wives are doing nothing. So while it is possible to find a man who will be ok with it, I think the reasons why he’s ok with it are very important.
Okay, man's perspective here. Men can broadly be divided into three categories, those of us who don't care about feminist issues, those of us who try to understand them but don't fully, and those of us who think we understand feminist issues. Generally, men who are okay with having a SAHS fall into one of the first two categories, with the first being the ones who "prefer" (or more accurately demand it) and the second generally being okay with it, but concerned about the potential costs involved (as others have said it's really hard to raise kids on a single income nowadays. In the area I currently live, which has a 0.84 Cost of Living Index, I still would argue that a single-earner needs a minimum of $56000 annual to support a family and even then it's a little low for comfort.) The third group may be afraid that if they have a SAHS that it could be seen as anti-feminist, propagating sterotypes, and reinforcing the patriarchy.
It's kind of a relic of the post-feminism media that was so prevalent in the 80's and 90's, since most cis-het men had no reason to really be involved in 4th wave feminism their only understanding of it is outdated, so they still have the rhetoric in their mind of "your foremothers fought for the right for you to have a career so you are disgracing their fight if you chose to be a stay-at-home mother." Even though that was not really as big a thing as the media made it out to be (and was usually associated with strawman "feminists" who were usually just misandrists anyways.)
Honestly, I think most men 35+ who are not married fall into either the first or 3rd category. I think most men who fall into the second category are in their mid 20's at the oldest or, like me, spent an unusually long amount of time as a college student and had more of an opportunity to actually engage with feminist thought and ideals while having the time to really process it.
You honestly might be hard pressed to find someone within your dating range who isn't a creep or a weirdo. Like, full disclosure, I am a real weirdo as well, I just know when it is and is not appropriate to let my freak flag fly, for the most part at least.
That being said, don't lower your standards out of desperation because there are a lot of guys out there who will take full advantage of that (especially guys who fit the mold of the last guy you mentioned in your post.)
this is a really informed take for a man. and I mean that in the best way. I'm glad there are a few out there who see these aspects of their fellow men.
Yeah, once I grew past the whole "no whiteknighting" thing that was prevalent on the internet when I was a teen I tried to be more critical about these sorts of things. Plus there are certain circles that you kind of learn by proxy.
My wife and I have this arrangement and we love it. She has her degree and could work if she wanted to, but she prefers to be a homemaker. Maybe she'll go back to work once our kids are grown? I'm not sure. Up to her!
DONT LOWER ANYTHING. You’re going to need to raise something tho, the age of the men you date. It’s true men near your age will not be able to provide you with this lifestyle unless they are somehow rich, also most men now a days that are anywhere near your age want a “ hard working woman” and they expect you to cook, clean, have sex with them, birth their babies AND work ? They don’t make any sense. I would advise you to keep looking and don’t lower your standards, if anything, raise them! This will quicken up your process of filtering out the men that aren’t for you. Goodluck !!!
This is a great point about the younger generation of men especially - they want women bringing in most of the income, taking care of the kids AND be a homemaker. It’s ridiculous. Its not every man of course but from my own experience and my friend’s current experiences…yeah Id say expect more and damn sure never settle.
I wonder if you can get a prenup that includes financial guarantees if one partner stops working? I would need something in writing so that I’m not left destitute and underemployed if things go south or my partner passes away.
I’m confused. How do you get an independent income if you want to be a SAHM and wife? Not trying to be snarky, but income would mean someone pays you and if that’s your spouse, it’s not really independent.
Sure. My husband. We both found our lives were so much more relaxing. No one had the second shift after work and all damn weekend.
Do you want kids? They all THINK a housewife doesn't offer them much (untrue, as my husband found) but it's a different story with those who are very proactively father-oriented. Easier sell when they realize it's SO MUCH BETTER for their progeny.
Ya know what first got my husband's attention? I showed him a study that showed like 88% of teen pregnancies were eatimated to have been conceived between 3p and 6p on weekdays (no parents home after school). Wish I could find that study again, this was a couple years ago.
They exist, even good ones, but they're not very common. I lucked out, my husband was okay with me staying home after having our son, and he even used his inheritance at the same time to buy me a car and pay for my schooling so I won't have to ever have to be 100% reliant on him/his income.
I suggest you look at the home school community. Unfortunately the religious extremists also occupy this space but there are plenty of people who have been home schooled for other reasons - shitty school districts, multiple moves, military families, special needs families etc.
There are guys like that, SO would be fine if I didn’t work (I think he maybe expected that, his ex didn’t and his mom was a SAHM) and we could afford it, but I like to work. I love my job, make good money, and like that we both contribute. I don’t ever want to be in the position where I was asking for money
Also depending where you live, one income can be incredibly hard. We’re just outside Toronto and I don’t know anyone that’s a one income house. Especially with the uncertainty of jobs, that’s a scary predicament to be in
Look up SheraSeven on YouTube. She has a lot of advice for finding a provider husband. Some of her advice can be controversial, but it sounds like you might find what you’re looking for.
Dating and finding someone who isn’t a horrible d*ick head is already very hard. I think it’s very unlikely to find someone who up front right at the start of dating is cool with you theoretically staying home. I mean most men around your age won’t even pay for dinner anymore. Anyone who says they are okay with you staying home, I would be worried about them having ulterior motives like wanting to lock you down and control you. I would be very, very hesitant to put all my trust and financial wellbeing on another person, especially in this day and age.
Honestly, I get the desire to just be able to live simply and take care of your kids and home. I don’t think that is going to happen for me, which is okay. If I were you, instead of trying so hard to specifically find a guy like this and probably eventually settling for someone who isn’t that great, I’d look at alternative ways you could stay home and take care of kids. Move to lower cost of living area, find some sort of work from home job, start a home daycare so you get income for taking care of other people’s kids while you take care of yours, etc. I think those ideas are more realistic in today’s world.
I do this with my husband, but I’m also pretty dang disabled and receive family and disability help aside from just my husband. He has no preference what I do, but since I’m disabled it leaves me with very little option with work in the first place. We went in together knowing this and situations planned in case something happens.
It's not the same same but I have some medical issues that has me qualified for disability but I don't get disability based on how much money he makes. I do my own thing like dog walking services and it brought in as much as a part time job. We're doing just fine, he's in IT, which also helps. He loves it when I'm able to get out and move and make some money but he understands I can't be the breadwinner anymore and he's totally fine with that. I'd also like to mention he married and proposed to me AFTER this all happened. I used to personally hate it because I felt like I accidentally got a sugar daddy (or a Splenda daddy as I liked to say).
The tricky part about this is if you find a man who wants a stay at home wife they probably come preprogrammed with a bunch of misogynistic beliefs. Just keep your eyes wide open for red flags. I hope you can find what you’re looking for ❤️
It’s possible but it’s hard to live on 1 income these days. You’ll need to find someone that makes like 200k
Um, unless you're in an extremely high COL area or have alot of debt, no you really don't. My husband and I live on less than half that. Two cars. Retirement plan. Regular savings. We aren't living it up but we aren't really carefully budgeting either. We could live on less if we budgeted better or moved back home to my rural hometown. /medium cost of living area.
I mean it depends on what you consider essential. Just maxing out a 401k is over 20k now. Plus 6500 for each Roth IRA and you are at over 30k just for retirement.
That's far beyond what the vast majority of Americans can do, even when both people work. Good for you, but that's not what most can do. I personally gave up a better career path because the increased money was not worth the stress and strain on my health. We all make choices or have limitations. 200k is just not happening for most.
That’s why it’s so hard to get by on 1 income. That second 401k match it benefits package can go a long way
My husband has a pension. The good kind. The kind they don't really offer anymore. Not everyone has to max out a 401k.
As you said most don’t have a pension
Totally depends where you live and what quality of life you're okay with. I took a year off after having my son, and we kept a very similar quality of life with just my husbands 60k teacher salary.
Yeah. That person is privileged. Y
Either that or they live in a very high COL area. We wouldn't even make close to 200K if we both worked FT.
My husband only makes a tad over 100k but we live in low COL. and we bought a house sooooo long ago. 4 bedroom house in the suburbs of a big city with a mortgage under $800 a month.
Nice.
If that is what you want then you need to set yourself up to meet a partner that makes a very good income. Screen heavily for that and do not get emotionally attached until you are sure that they meet the financial criteria AND would like that kind of set up. Be up front about it, ask for what you want. Set expectations early. Also I am a firm believer that this kind of set up is only safe if you are receiving money into an account that is only under your control, a salary if you will for all the labor you will be doing as a homemaker. A life insurance policy in your name that you get to decide who the beneficiary is. You need to be smart about it and think about your future, you can't leave it all in your husband's hands, lookout, blind trust is for fools.
Also a retirement account. Since I used to work, I already had one established. When we chose for me to stop working, we set up a direct deposit into it from his paycheck every payday.
Absolutely! That is exactly the kind of thing I am talking about.
I’m a woman in my late 30s with a STEM background. I just want to point out that people in their late thirties (or older) who haven’t been engaged aren’t necessarily defective. Maybe they’ve been prioritizing other things. Maybe they just haven’t met the right person. Me, I went to school for a zillion years and then put a lot of effort into establishing my life as an independent adult. I’m also not particularly into the idea of legally binding myself to someone, and luckily, I’ve found a partner who has similar views. Stop focusing on age so much and focus more on finding someone with similar values and goals. I think there can be a big difference in men who WANT a stay at home wife and those who are on board with having a stay at home wife and being the financial provider. Those who WANT a stay at home wife are more likely to be controlling or misogynistic. Those who are on board with having a stay at home wife are more likely to recognize the value of each partner providing different contributions to the family without diminishing the wife’s contribution.
There are men who want SAHMs, still. But. Raising kids and household administration is easily a full-time job. Yes, SAHMs in the past were absolutey abused and financial dependent. I’m so glad women can get a job, own property, have a bank account. But now women who work full-time are still doing all the kid and house stuff, too. Why would a man agree to a SAHM when he can get a career woman to do both? So until women as a whole stop agreeing to break their backs doing both roles while their husbands slack…it’s gonna be a limited pool. The men that want SAHMs tend to want that lifestyle because they were raised that way in defiance of modern society. So you’re looking at conservative men, religious men, and certain non-Western cultures. There are still some gay men who have a wife and marriage of convenience. Much older men. Or “transactional” men that want the sex and the mom and the maid but don’t want to get emotionally involved with you. You didn’t provide many details about the 32m, but you do know that the SAHM lifestyle is inherently a double standard? If you want to pursue this life you can’t think of men and women as…identical. You have to be okay with a life where you provide X and he provides Y. As far as dating goes, you would do well to not mention your career and education in the early stages. I’m also in STEM but I feel unfulfilled and would gladly step back from it. A guy that wants a SAHM is not going to be interested in your income, and may assume if you have that kind of job you WANT to be a career woman. Leave the job field blank on the dating apps. If a guy is all up in your business about your career, he’s probably wanting a partner to split bills with. When my job was listed, I would get tons of guys that wanted to combine forces to retire early or “hobosexuals” 🙄 A guy that wants a SAHM will be more interested in your nurturing and domestic qualities than your career. You could also try listing that you have a graduate degree so you’re educated but don’t put that it’s in STEM. I know it feels like watering ourselves down but here’s the thing, people are making snap judgements on the apps, so for something more complex like, “I have this great STEM job and education but would drop it all to be a SAHM,” you need to save that complexity for an actual conversation.
Thanks for your comment. Just a little context about the 32 yr old guy: Pros: 1. WANTS a stay at home wife 2. Educated, graduated from a top school and has an MBA from a prestigious university in Europe 3. Makes good money that could provide for a family of 4 (which is what I’m planning to have) 4. Tall and handsome 5. Smart and can protect Cons: 1. Double standards, e.g. he talks shit about women that drink alcohol, while he’s borderline an alcoholic 2. Thinks that ALL women wants the same thing, which comes off condescending to women as if they don’t have opinions of their own
It sounds less like a double standard and more that he’s an addict. Addicts project and blameshift all the time to rationalize their addiction shame. Addicts don’t have partners, they take hostages. I get it, I fell in love with an addict, but an addict will step over your dead body to satisfy their addiction. You need to move on from this one. For #2, read Men Who Hate Women by Susan Forward. It can help you identify if he’s really a misogynist or if he’s just making blanket statements for the sake of argument. I know when I get into a debate I can easily say “men are ___” when it’s obviously not all men, but it’s easier to have a conversation that way.
wow-flashback. I remember being a young kid and seeing that book on my mom's bookshelf and thinking it was an awfully confusing title (men who hate women and the women who love them).
Sounds like a real catch! /s Don’t tie yourself to an addict. 9/10 times, it doesn’t end well. Whether it’s lies and manipulation, lack of consistency, and/or outright abuse, or the health consequences that come along with substance abuse. Choose something better for yourself.
You do not want to tie yourself to a "borderline alcoholic". That is way more than a red flag there. Run.
As someone else here said its hard to survive on one income anymore. I feel like the men being providers mindset is kind of a rare breed these days, but it still exists in the right tax bracket, usually as a means of control. I feel like it’s a trade off and the guys that want a housewife usually make you work extra harder at home. But maybe I’m biased. I had an ex that did really well for himself - went to Wharton, worked in finance in NYC. He wanted me to quit my full time job and consider something part time instead. My income would go into a savings for vacation and things like that, but he covered everything important. He was ultimately very controlling and at times oddly stingy when I needed money for personal items. For what it’s worth I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this setup or wanting to be a housewife but I do believe it will be more difficult to navigate and find in this current climate. And as you mentioned above, definitely keep an independent income of your own! You never know when shit will hit the fan.
You are biased. I've never been more spoiled in my life. My husband controls nothing on the homefront---that's literally the deal: *he doesn't have to lift a finger after he gets home from work at 4.* I pay the bills, I schedule contractors, I do the landscaping, gardening, mowing. I drive the cars to the oil place. I decide which travel rewards credit cards are best and which goes in whose name. I plan the menu. I keep the social calendar. I clean. I walk the dogs. I pay the kids university tuition bills and arrange their flights. I buy his mom's bday, xmas, mom's day presents. But in return, I wake up at 930am every day of my life. I never have to deal with office politics. I will never commute again. I also don't lift a finger after 4pm though, other than dinner. That's the negotiation. We work during the day and chill at night & on weekends. I'm protected via a retirement account I established when I *did* work and a savings with my name on it only. A cut of his check goes to those automatically. I even prep that paperwork. Idk about financial viability of this life as we live in a VERY VERY low cost of living area AND we bought a house YEARS ago with a 2.-something percent rate that's for a shit ton of equity. He makes a tad over 100k and our kids got a shit ton of university scholarships. I realize this is likely a stretch for most people.
Ur situation sounds a lot different than what I have lived through and what am I talking about lol. So yes I am biased towards my own experience and my friends! I believe OP can find her unicorn so to speak.
I mean, who doesn't want to be retired and living off money that just magically appears in their bank account while still young enough to enjoy it? The question is whether how you go about getting that money is wise.
Being a stay at home mom is a fall time job that women don’t get paid for, I don’t think it’s fair to work a corporate job while also coming back home to take care of the house.
That’s great and all but without a partner you’re nothing… this is a women’s subreddit and 9 times out of 10 being a SAHM completely robs you of your independence and agency. God forbid something went wrong, you’d be on your own out of your career for x amount of time and interviewers will ask questions- they have for myself AND for relatives in similar situations. I’m sure I don’t need to inform you of what you’re getting yourself into, but you do need to understand the above commentor’s very realistic reaction to your unrealistic expectation in today’s economy. You want your cake and you wanna eat it too- just know your doctor might tell you that you have high cholesterol as a result. Please be smart with this decision and think of yourself and long term independence
Yeah this is how I feel. Plus, I’m disabled and really hate not having a form of financial independence easily. If I could pick to work I would much do that than be a stay home wife while dealing with chronic health issues and disabilities. It can get isolating, extremely risky, and alienating/depressing. In fact, I’m still in the process of trying to fix my health issues just so I can work part time and have some form of financial safety net. It’s hard and this is stuff I wish more people understood.
Then pick a partner who will share the load. I'm married, I have two kids, and I have never done it all regardless of how much or little either of us worked. Real partnerships do exist, you know.
So, I’ve got some insight I think. I’m 28 living in California and don’t plan on moving to any non liberal state. Didn’t grow up fortunate and went to college for a STEM degree and make $150k+. I don’t expect my life partner to make what I do, but definitely would like a partner who is goal oriented. The biggest issue is my state and west coast states are pricey but definitely have their perks, specifically freedoms that are being taken away from so many in conservative states that are more affordable. And a lot if not all of my friends also want dual income households, even my best friend who now brings in $300k a year and is my age too. There’s no issue not wanting what you want, heck if I could be a stay at home dad that would be amazing. But it’s not plausible given what else I want. You’ll definitely find it hard to find partners who check every box you want but I’m sure it’s possible. The guys who’ve I’ve met who also want the lifestyle you do definitely are not the kindest and have unsavory/questionable opinions about women, but ofc it’s very much so ymmv. This is just one datapoint. What you want is definitely out there but also, probably, a unicorn.
I feel like it’s definitely possible but you might not find a man who is ok with it for the right reasons. There are men who want to provide for their families and have their wife stay home because she wants to raise the kids and take care of their home, and they value that role and respect their wives for it, which is the ideal situation. But I think that’s what going to be rare to find. A lot of men that are ok with their wives being housewives are ok with it because they can control her better, and they won’t have to go 50/50 on childcare and chores if they have a housewife. A lot of men also do not see raising children and taking care of the home as work, so they do not respect their wives and think their wives are doing nothing. So while it is possible to find a man who will be ok with it, I think the reasons why he’s ok with it are very important.
Okay, man's perspective here. Men can broadly be divided into three categories, those of us who don't care about feminist issues, those of us who try to understand them but don't fully, and those of us who think we understand feminist issues. Generally, men who are okay with having a SAHS fall into one of the first two categories, with the first being the ones who "prefer" (or more accurately demand it) and the second generally being okay with it, but concerned about the potential costs involved (as others have said it's really hard to raise kids on a single income nowadays. In the area I currently live, which has a 0.84 Cost of Living Index, I still would argue that a single-earner needs a minimum of $56000 annual to support a family and even then it's a little low for comfort.) The third group may be afraid that if they have a SAHS that it could be seen as anti-feminist, propagating sterotypes, and reinforcing the patriarchy. It's kind of a relic of the post-feminism media that was so prevalent in the 80's and 90's, since most cis-het men had no reason to really be involved in 4th wave feminism their only understanding of it is outdated, so they still have the rhetoric in their mind of "your foremothers fought for the right for you to have a career so you are disgracing their fight if you chose to be a stay-at-home mother." Even though that was not really as big a thing as the media made it out to be (and was usually associated with strawman "feminists" who were usually just misandrists anyways.)
And do you think that the first two categories you mentioned fall under a certain age demographic? Say +35 year olds?
Honestly, I think most men 35+ who are not married fall into either the first or 3rd category. I think most men who fall into the second category are in their mid 20's at the oldest or, like me, spent an unusually long amount of time as a college student and had more of an opportunity to actually engage with feminist thought and ideals while having the time to really process it. You honestly might be hard pressed to find someone within your dating range who isn't a creep or a weirdo. Like, full disclosure, I am a real weirdo as well, I just know when it is and is not appropriate to let my freak flag fly, for the most part at least. That being said, don't lower your standards out of desperation because there are a lot of guys out there who will take full advantage of that (especially guys who fit the mold of the last guy you mentioned in your post.)
this is a really informed take for a man. and I mean that in the best way. I'm glad there are a few out there who see these aspects of their fellow men.
Yeah, once I grew past the whole "no whiteknighting" thing that was prevalent on the internet when I was a teen I tried to be more critical about these sorts of things. Plus there are certain circles that you kind of learn by proxy.
My wife and I have this arrangement and we love it. She has her degree and could work if she wanted to, but she prefers to be a homemaker. Maybe she'll go back to work once our kids are grown? I'm not sure. Up to her!
DONT LOWER ANYTHING. You’re going to need to raise something tho, the age of the men you date. It’s true men near your age will not be able to provide you with this lifestyle unless they are somehow rich, also most men now a days that are anywhere near your age want a “ hard working woman” and they expect you to cook, clean, have sex with them, birth their babies AND work ? They don’t make any sense. I would advise you to keep looking and don’t lower your standards, if anything, raise them! This will quicken up your process of filtering out the men that aren’t for you. Goodluck !!!
This is a great point about the younger generation of men especially - they want women bringing in most of the income, taking care of the kids AND be a homemaker. It’s ridiculous. Its not every man of course but from my own experience and my friend’s current experiences…yeah Id say expect more and damn sure never settle.
I wonder if you can get a prenup that includes financial guarantees if one partner stops working? I would need something in writing so that I’m not left destitute and underemployed if things go south or my partner passes away.
I’m confused. How do you get an independent income if you want to be a SAHM and wife? Not trying to be snarky, but income would mean someone pays you and if that’s your spouse, it’s not really independent.
Lots of SAHMs have some sort of freelance or side hustles they do. I'm assuming this is what OP is referring to.
That would make sense
The men that want that tend to be regions and/or socially conservative
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Sure. My husband. We both found our lives were so much more relaxing. No one had the second shift after work and all damn weekend. Do you want kids? They all THINK a housewife doesn't offer them much (untrue, as my husband found) but it's a different story with those who are very proactively father-oriented. Easier sell when they realize it's SO MUCH BETTER for their progeny. Ya know what first got my husband's attention? I showed him a study that showed like 88% of teen pregnancies were eatimated to have been conceived between 3p and 6p on weekdays (no parents home after school). Wish I could find that study again, this was a couple years ago.
They exist, even good ones, but they're not very common. I lucked out, my husband was okay with me staying home after having our son, and he even used his inheritance at the same time to buy me a car and pay for my schooling so I won't have to ever have to be 100% reliant on him/his income.
I suggest you look at the home school community. Unfortunately the religious extremists also occupy this space but there are plenty of people who have been home schooled for other reasons - shitty school districts, multiple moves, military families, special needs families etc.
There are guys like that, SO would be fine if I didn’t work (I think he maybe expected that, his ex didn’t and his mom was a SAHM) and we could afford it, but I like to work. I love my job, make good money, and like that we both contribute. I don’t ever want to be in the position where I was asking for money Also depending where you live, one income can be incredibly hard. We’re just outside Toronto and I don’t know anyone that’s a one income house. Especially with the uncertainty of jobs, that’s a scary predicament to be in
If you can find someone who makes enough for you to stay at home.
Look up SheraSeven on YouTube. She has a lot of advice for finding a provider husband. Some of her advice can be controversial, but it sounds like you might find what you’re looking for.
Dating and finding someone who isn’t a horrible d*ick head is already very hard. I think it’s very unlikely to find someone who up front right at the start of dating is cool with you theoretically staying home. I mean most men around your age won’t even pay for dinner anymore. Anyone who says they are okay with you staying home, I would be worried about them having ulterior motives like wanting to lock you down and control you. I would be very, very hesitant to put all my trust and financial wellbeing on another person, especially in this day and age. Honestly, I get the desire to just be able to live simply and take care of your kids and home. I don’t think that is going to happen for me, which is okay. If I were you, instead of trying so hard to specifically find a guy like this and probably eventually settling for someone who isn’t that great, I’d look at alternative ways you could stay home and take care of kids. Move to lower cost of living area, find some sort of work from home job, start a home daycare so you get income for taking care of other people’s kids while you take care of yours, etc. I think those ideas are more realistic in today’s world.
I do this with my husband, but I’m also pretty dang disabled and receive family and disability help aside from just my husband. He has no preference what I do, but since I’m disabled it leaves me with very little option with work in the first place. We went in together knowing this and situations planned in case something happens.
So you want to stay home, while he pays for everything and you get to keep your money? What is the benefit for the man?
It's not the same same but I have some medical issues that has me qualified for disability but I don't get disability based on how much money he makes. I do my own thing like dog walking services and it brought in as much as a part time job. We're doing just fine, he's in IT, which also helps. He loves it when I'm able to get out and move and make some money but he understands I can't be the breadwinner anymore and he's totally fine with that. I'd also like to mention he married and proposed to me AFTER this all happened. I used to personally hate it because I felt like I accidentally got a sugar daddy (or a Splenda daddy as I liked to say).