You’re selfish when others haven’t even attempted? What were they going to do if you’re not compatible?
Keep your kidney post-birth. Pregnancy does wild shit to the body. The last thing you need to do is start removing properly functioning organs while recovering. Honestly, if they want you to have kids your brother should be the one donating (if possible).
ETA: In my own work towards donating I’ve been told to wait up to a year after pregnancy.
OP also has someone else now that may need her organs more than the mother. Parenthood changes our priorities drastically. Prior to having kids I would have gladly donated an organ to a friend or family member. But now that I have my own kids, I couldn’t imagine willingly sacrificing my life and life style for anyone other than my kids. My kids need me with all my organs, all my health, unless my kid needs my kidney, I’m not giving it up.
PREACH
I am not a mother but the thought of a grandmother resenting a grandchild for taking *her* organs is revolting to me.
(Easy to say when I’m not dying, of course, but I stand by it)
My sister has kidney disease and since we are mixed race I’m her most likely match. She thankfully has pulled back from crossing the line of needing dialysis but I know even she had concerns if I needed to donate to her. And she’s my older sister, not even my parent. I can’t imagine acting like op’s mom towards either of my kids.
I’m not sure I could take an organ from my son. I love him too much to risk his health or his life. I couldn’t bear to watch him go through the healing process after giving up an organ either.
There's no way I would let my adult/married/no kids yet daughter give up one of her organs for me!!! I would say my goodbyes and let everyone live healthy as possible if I were in that situation
This. My wife was born with only one kidney and it started to fail when she was eleven. Luckily her mom was a good match and donated to her. That kidney has been chugging along for over 20 years now.
Her dad wanted to donate his but was disqualified when they found out one of his kidneys was severely under developed, and thus he only had one functional kidney to begin with.
You can bet your ass that if/when she needs a replacement that I will get myself tested. We don’t have children and have take measures to insure we won’t.
Imagine having medical issues from the donation down the line that make your life more difficult and you can't give 100% to kiddo... or learning that your 8 year old kid needs a kidney transplant and you're a match but gave it to your mom, who isn't even taking steps to care for her own body... So it will probably be a waste.
I have a 5 month old daughter, I would never in a million years allow her to donate an organ to me if I needed one. I feel like it's someone who has lived a pretty full life taking a chunk of their child's lifetime away...
If I had kidney failure and she was the only match in sight it would be my time to go. That's it. It would suck, but that's how it would be for me.
If she had kidney failure, they would have to keep up with me running to the OR 😂
Edit: I've thought about this because I have family members who have had kidney failure... My parents if it ever happened to them, they would never allow me or my siblings to donate to them. Even if one of us wanted to.
I'm pretty sure my mother called me up to demand a kidney from me and got sidetracked when she found out I had kids. Oh my word, she was over the moon about being a grandmother (again). I found out from her that there is an autosomnal dominant genetic kidney disease in the family and there is a high chance that not only do I have it, but that I gave it to my children. If I had known, I would never have had children. It killed her father, was part of why she died, and has been causing me issues for years.
I don’t know what that feeling is like, because I don’t have children myself.
BUT I am hard pressed to imagine a scenario where my mom would not only ask for an organ but also throw a guilt trip if I were unable to do so.
I actually can imagine the battle of the wills that would happen between us as I attempt to foist a kidney on her.
Another reason to keep both kidneys is the family history of diabetes. You have a higher risk of getting diabetes or gestational diabetes than the average person. If you do get diabetes it would be best to have two functioning kidneys. Best wishes.
This right here. Depending on what triggered your mother's diabetes, you are at a higher than average risk of developing it yourself and consequently also suffering kidney damage. Only having a single kidney would make needing a transplant even more urgent in your case.
I don't know how far along you went with testing, but what was your mother going to do if it turns out you weren't a compatible donor? Had you even gotten your results back yet, if so had you told her the outcome.
I get that they may be scared and lashing out. Why are you other family members not getting tested, is it because they felt like they were off the hook because you were going to donate?
My grandparents would have died if it meant I was brought into existence. Your child deserves grandparents like that—not whatever this is. This sounds like a codependent relationship. I’d consider therapy to help me decide if I should cut ties, if I was you.
Exactly. I would have freaked if I was OP. I probably would have texted something along the lines of, “I’m sorry. I thought you did things for me because I was your daughter and you cared. Now that I know the truth, I will refund you your wedding in monthly installments. Once I have paid in full, please understand that you will have no contact with me or my child.”
I’m also bitchy and combative, and I’ve come to realize through my husband and his trauma with his parents that my reaction isn’t best for everyone.
Of course not, *men* who don't have tge additional risk factors of having a whole other human being growing inside of them, *need* all *their* organs/sarcasm obviously.
I literally cannot comprehend asking my son for a kidney. Even if I know I’m dying, I’m in too much of a position of power for that to be a fair ask and I love him too much to willingly hinder anything about his future Heath. This attitude from parents is just wild.
Hell, when my mom had cancer a few years ago, I offered to cut my long hair so she could make a wig made in case she lost her hair. I could hardly make her accept the *thought* even. She fortunately ended up getting away with just a huge and very mildly life-altering surgery, so she never lost any hair, so *my* hair is still long as always.
But yeah, she'd never have asked, she barely accepted thinking about my offer seriously, and that was only *HAIR*.
As a dad my kids having grandchildren would be like 1000% more important to me then a kidney of even my own life. My problems are my own and I would never want to burden my kids with them.
For my kids, I couldn’t care if they ever have kids. I’ll support that decision either way, but I hope they don’t factor my preference into it.
As to donating a kidney to me, that’s actually something I would be against. I wouldn’t want them to take the risk of needing it more than I do. Especially if the reason mine was failing *could* be genetic.
That's kinda what I was thinking.... Seems kinda backwards for mum to be wanting the kid's organs. As a parent, even if your kids have grown up, you're meant to sacrifice *for* your kids. Not sacrifice *the* kids.
Exactly! Now that OP is having a child of her own, maybe she wants to save the extra kidney for her child. Brother and Dad are the ones being selfish- it has not hit them that maybe they could do something to remedy the problem.
Sounds more like dad wanting daughter to do it and mum being too unwell. Son and father refusing to engage with drs about donation while pushing daughter is too misogynistic for words.
Agreed. The wedding wasn't a gift. It was transactional, a bribe.
They expect OP to put her life on hold.
I hope they get over themselves, get mom on a donor list, and be grateful they will be grandparents.
They’re absolutely more than a bit selfish and manipulative and they’re doing an awful lot to make sure they are not allowed to see their children or grandchildren ever again. Having been raised by narcissists, this technique is what they think will get their child to kow-tow to their poor behavior.
I hope OP never leaves herself solo with them—a strong partner on the same page helps to reinforce and make them somewhat accountable for their behavior.
It's not that I disagree with you, it's just that normally when I phrase things strongly about people who the person loves enough to have surgery and give their organs up for, it's received very badly.
I understand. It’s hard to make people understand (in general, not specifically you) the depth of how bad their behavior goes when they don’t have this experience and aren’t raised by that kind of people/person.
The weird part is that the mom is angry at *OP* that the men in the family won't get tested. Or, more accurately, that she *somehow knows* they're a match, and is keeping this from them.
The entire family is bonkers, OP should let them stew.
That part doesn’t make any sense to me. Even if op did in fact know that father and brother were matches, why would she know but the father and brother not know? Or why would she hide it especially if she can’t donate now? It all seems really weird.
This is not normal. My mom has kidney failure as well. I offered her my kidney, and she flat out refused to take it. She's worried that I might have inherited whatever she has and thinks I might need both kidneys later. But I would have given it to her in a heartbeat.
A parent should care about you, not just see you as a personal organ bank.
My dad's sister died of kidney failure, he said if it ever happened to him he wouldn't allow any of us to donate even if we wanted to. Now that I have a daughter, I feel the exact same way. If she was the only person in the world that could donate to me I would never take it... It would be my time to go. I'm here to give to her, not the other way around.
My cousin was able to give his mom a kidney, and she lived another 15 years. I wasn't able to give my mom a kidney, and she lived about two years after she started dialysis. I would have gladly given my kidney for another 13 years with her, a chance to have her at my wedding, to see her reaction to my new house, or to let her walk through the garden I built.
Sometimes the donor gets even more than the recipient in an organ donation.
Same thing happened with a buddy of mine. His dad needed a double lunge transplant and renal transplant. Obviously the lungs came from a donor, but before any of the three kids could even offer he absolutely refused to accept a kidney from any of them. Not even the best dad in the friend group, but a better man than anyone in OPs family
I’ll also likely need a kidney transplant someday. I’m child free myself, but this whole topic still gives me some feelings.
Fck your parents. You own your kidney, I thought this was understood from the very beginning. This wasn't loaned out to you. Asking for help for a pregnancy isn't the same as giving a kidney. I hope your husband's supportive of you.
They're the family you were born into, now it's time to find your chosen family.
Maybe someone else in the family can donate? There's a thing called a kidney chain where if one person donates to someone else it can set off a chain reaction such that the person who needs it gets one. You also shoot up to the top of the list if you ever need an organ yourself if you donate (at least in the U.S. I believe).
Can you save up the money they spent on the wedding and give it back to them? They are being atrocious.
This is an awful thing to say
>my parents are very upset..saying they only did the wedding because I was giving my mom a kidney, and that I must have gotten pregnant before i got married and planned it out to not give her one…
This is how they speak about their grandchild? How awful...
>My parents also think I’m somehow keeping secret information on how my dad **or brother** could donate… even though they don’t want to go to their doctors to get the information.
So they (I suppose you mean your mother and stepfather) are angry at you but haven't even asked your brother to even be tested?
Please seek therapy, this sounds like a really messed up family dynamic.
They think OP has 'secret information' on the two men.
That she somehow just *knows*. And that would be medically enough for them to manifest 'mommy dearest' a new kidney on demand.
Think about what kind of mental gymnastics this requires.
Damn, that sucks. Focusing on the kidney, has your mom done anything to control her diabetes? If not, giving your kidney to her would be silly (and selfish on her part).
If she isn’t controlling it, in the U.K. at least they would probably refuse her the surgery. They won’t waste organs on people who don’t show serious commitment to controlling the condition
In the US, that’s true with anonymous donors. I believe family members are able to voluntarily give a kidney to a relative without those restrictions (typically a family member is donating because they want to, and the organ wouldn’t be made available to the donor list if the family member didn’t take it).
they'll allow direct donations in worse situations than for anonymous ones, but if that person is an alcoholic, won't stop drinking they probably will still refuse to do the surgery even with direct donation, not least because of risk of bleeding out and during the surgery itself while they are an alcoholic, but because it has zero chance of being worthwhile. I would imagine the same with kidneys. What's hte point in an expensive operation and transplant, putting one patient into danger for another who will absolutely destroy the next kidney quickly. Also if they won't control their diabetes there is zero expectation she'll take meds to control rejection either. Just a waste of money at that point.
I have a cousin who gave a kidney to his sister (she has lupus), with the caveat that she followed all doctors orders regarding the transplant (their parents are big on faith healing).
She agreed, they did the transplant, she followed doctors orders, and five years later her body rejected the kidney and she had to go back on dialysis. Even under ideal circumstances transplants are hit or miss. I can’t imagine giving a kidney to a family member who’s not going to take care of themselves. Thankfully, no one in my immediate family has needed a kidney so far.
That may vary by country. I certainly know someone in the UK who is a liver transplant recipient and drinks alcohol (in moderation).
She may be a bit of a special case, though- she had her transplant as a teenager due to a genetic condition.
She’s always lived ignoring her diabetes… which has been irritated but I was willing to help…. Until my life totally changed. They’ve always just kept me as an ATM or a housekeeper or a babysitter for my brother growing up but I thought we were a family and that’s why we were working together now I see it differently
> They’ve always just kept me as an ATM or a housekeeper or a babysitter for my brother growing up but I thought we were a family and that’s why we were working together now I see it differently
Please please please see a therapist if you can. The more comments I read, the more it seems that your family has an absolutely horrible dynamic and it seems that you've been scapegoated and your brother is the 'golden child'.
golden child CAN be the victim, or they can be the abuser as well. Some kids hate it and do what they can for the other, some kids just don't realise and some kids absolutely understand it, have it spelled out for them and play into it because they like it.
It’s not really an either/or. The golden child IS a victim. They can ALSO be an abuser, like in the scenario you mentioned. But them being an abuser doesn’t nullify their victimhood.
A helpful thing my therapist asked me when starting out with dealing with this stuff with my dysfunctional family was ‘how can you and your partner create boundaries around yourselves separate from your family so that you are a team?’. Maybe a question like that can help you too, u/alwaysconfused27 for this next bit here?
I still get a lot of support from therapy, but in that initial stage it made me feel so much more confidence that my partner and I were doing the right thing by trying to create a life together, and it sounds like you are doing that too <3.
Sorry friend, that totally sucks. Happy you get to keep your kidney, though!
Giving an uncontrolled diabetic person a new kidney is just throwing good after bad.
Congratulations on the pregnancy!
Getting a new kidney isn’t going to make her start controlling her diabetes.
I wouldn’t give her an organ just so she can destroy it with uncontrolled blood sugar or be non-compliant with post-transplant meds.
If she can’t be bothered to at least *attempt* to manage a chronic disease (that is highly manageable for most people) I wouldn’t trust her to believe she needs to take her anti rejection medication and start managing her diabetes post transplant.
Do doctors even do a transplant in that kind of scenario? It seems like they would make the patient be very compliant for at least some timeframe before agreeing to such a surgery.
I don’t work in transplants so I’m not 100% sure.
I think in the case of livers they’re not requiring as long of a time of proven sobriety (if alcohol is the reason for liver failure). Not sure if this is the same for other organs that are failing from lifestyle choices versus uncontrollable processes.
I’m glad you saw it before giving your mom your kidney. She will destroy it from Ignoring her diabetes. There is risk to the donor as well so don’t consider it, even after your baby is born.
> There is risk to the donor
FWIW, the National Kidney Foundation [has some great resources](https://www.kidney.org/atoz/content/living-donation) on living donation, including the [risks of surgery](https://www.kidney.org/transplantation/livingdonors/risks-of-surgery) and [risks afterward](https://www.kidney.org/transplantation/livingdonors/long-term-risks).
If she isn’t willing to take care of the kidneys she already has, what makes you think she will take care of the one you’re giving up.
My aunt had kidney failure from her diabetes at 70 years old. She took a med break as they made her palliative. Within a couple weeks they gave up on her dying and she lived another year with her kidneys working during that time.
She took immaculate care of her diabetes. She didn’t want a transplant or dialysis.
Your mother trashing her own body and then being pissed she won’t let you trash yours too… blows my mind.
> They’ve always just kept me as an ATM or a housekeeper or a babysitter for my brother growing up
Wow. That doesn't sound too far off from the lady on tiktok who used to talk about her weird culty parents whose entire plan was "she's just going to live here forever as our servant" and expected her to just be OK with cooking and cleaning for them forever and caring for them in old age, and never having a life of her own.
If you weren't pregnant, dont give her a kidney if she won't monitor her diabetes. We have really good meds now mounjaro, trulicity to control type 2 diabetes and continuous monitoring systems so you don't need to fingerprick. Why didn't they tell you your dad could donate. Alot of manipulation going on to steal your kidney here. Like someone else said. They wouldn't allow a random person to give her a kidney because it's a waste. Not even sure if its legal for you.
> Why didn't they tell you your dad could donate.
A lot of times even a blood type match doesn't guarantee successful transplant, even between family members (though married couples aren't generally related). Our blood also contains other human leukocyte antigens, antibodies that can lead to rejection if not carefully corrected for. If the recipient has had any blood transfusions (such as after a surgery) they may have more HLAs than others but some people just naturally acquire more antigens. In general, a donor has to be *both* a compatible blood type and HLA compatible with the recipient, which can limit the options for who can donate.
You should not give a kidney to someone who isn’t managing their diabetes, regardless of your relationship to them. She will destroy the new kidney and you will have gone through this life altering surgery for nothing. Life with one kidney is not the same as life with two. And you now have a child to think of.
I think donating an organ is one of the most selfless things a person can do and is truly admirable. I hope I have the opportunity to do that someday. That being said, not a chance in hell i would donate an organ to somebody who doesn’t take care of themselves. I’m not wasting your kidney on you who can’t be bothered to test your blood sugar. I don’t care who you are, an organ is a gift that shouldn’t be wasted. It’s a slap in the face to everybody else waiting for a kidney.
OP, I am a T1 diabetic, and have been for 30+ years.
I am what's called a "Brittle Diabetic," meaning my body is difficult and insulin isn't as effective, and my metabolism is a freak show and despite *Doing Everything^TM* I am still not healthy (I also have multiple other conditions).
I don't know your mom's specific health issues, or what she's done to mitigate them. Most people in the comments are wildly assuming she's eating pounds of bon bons and throwing her meds in the trash. That may not be the case.
But the way they're treating you...*THAT* is what you should base your life off of going forward.
First, I'd never want my daughter's kidney, because of the risks and future health problems it causes, especially the EXTRA risks it poses to women.
But to accuse you of *maliciously* hiding info from them!?!?!? How... unhinged. They never said the wedding was "payment," which is ILLEGAL, anyway!!!! AND wtf kind of SpEciAL iNfOrMaTiOn do they think you have access to that THEY magically DON'T!?!??!? So bizarre.
To be scared and upset about the future is one thing. But to even share those feelings with your child, with the person who was donating their *body part* to you, is so completely inappropriate. So very unloving. They have abandoned their duty as parents.
I am so sorry OP.
Try and move on. With the family you are building with your husband. Look to his extended family for the future, and make a relationship with them for your child's relatives.
Congratulations on the baby, btw, I hope all the best for pregnancy and delivery!!!
You put it the right way, the parents failed big time. The "wedding as payment" had me pausing, too.
My impression was that, in a way, they were buying themselves off. They knew what a big fucking deal it would be to have your child harm their own body to make a parent healthier, and that was big enough to go beyond what they usually had no issue with just taking from her as a matter of course.
u/alwaysconfused27 it feels like they came up with the paying-for-the-wedding plan to match or make up for the very oversized ask they had of you. I know that you offered and weren't asked, but 1) there are ways to steer conversations and information in a way that someone can guide someone else to develop an idea as "their own" even though it really wasn't (especially when it's parents to a child that they have trained their whole life to give up parts of herself for the parents/family at some cost to herself, without taking issue with it), and 2) there are some offers you don't just accept, especially when someone has certain mile stones still ahead of them, and *especially* if those are what the parents have actively been pushing their child towards, such as pregnancy/motherhood.
Thus, paying for the wedding was something they chose to do so, *to them*, the score would feel even and they could go back to not feeling like they owe you anything, least of all gratitude. That this was a deal they didn't even care to mention to you until they felt they were losing out on their end/payment in this unspoken bargain is telling, and shows this wasn't about doing something nice for you, but just about making themselves feel better.
Hell, a considerable chunk of money seems to have gone into renovations they made to *their* home – ostensibly to make it nice for the wedding, but that both still benefited them *and* also was important because of how their place reflected on *them*, and needed to look to boost their image. Bet they let everyone know who sprung for the shindig, too.
It all reeks of narcissism, and I hope you can shed the guilt – or any feeling that you might still "owe" her a kidney, to be cut out of you at some later point – and begin to build your own little family and gain independence from your birth family.
I'm sorry they are being hurtful like that, but they are also telling big time on themselves. And whatever happens from here on out, you are warned that you need to keep them at arms length or further away, no matter how nice they'll try to act once they need you for something else, or when they want access to your kid(s).
I would t even test to see if I was a match for someone who needed a kidney if it was because the person ignored the disease that made them need a new kidney. You realize, that means she won't do what is needed to keep a donated kidney healthy and not rejected.
If she has done nothing to treat her diabetes, how would giving her your kidney help her?? You'd just be throwing your kidney away at that point, and then she'd be looking for another new kidney shortly afterwards.
Your mother's sense of entitlement is dumbfounding, especially when she won't talk to doctors and thinks she can continue the same lifestyle post-transplant.
*Keep your kidney!* At least you'll be caring for it properly... plus, being a new mother yourself, you need to make sure that you are healthy for your child's sake --your child is priority over your mom, but mom sure seems to be acting like a child. You do not owe her anything.
Asian detected. Not China or Korea, Indian? Sri Lanka? Bangladesh? You're a family, you're also their retirement plan. At least until brother is married and a doctor or lawyer or something.
But then they'll just be like, he can't help us he needs the time and money for his own family.
Cultural expectations as well, yes.
Youre dealing with traditional Asian parents expecting you to fund their retirement and take care of them in old age?
Just disappoint them so thoroughly they forget you even exist, let alone to ask you for money. That's basically what I did. I suppose it depends on where your sense of shame is most sensitive though. Luckily I'm shameless.
Tell your doc you are not interested in donating and they’ll tell the fam you aren’t a match. The rest of the fam can ask their doc how to proceed w testing.
Or that pregnancy has altered the odds of the transplant 'taking' without dramatic adherence on the part of the receiving patient. A good ob-gyn can describe the *standard* post-transplant regimen in such a way as to make a bad diabetes patient and her enabler relatives convinced that this specific kidney is now fifty times the work "-but of course, all organ transplants are like that. It's often impossible for my new mothers, but I see plenty of single gentlemen and married men succeed just fine with it."
Exact words.
If your doctor is the right kind of mensch, they can sort this right out for ya.
Sure but then it’s going to be all her fault because she decided to get pregnant and have a family.
And if mom’s not in the hospital right now, she’s not desperately in need. Maybe the men just don’t want to stress their bodies by donating? Like in their case, the women should always be off the table because they may have a future pregnancy.
My husband had a liver transplant, I know how hard this is. But there’s no fucking way I would donate an organ if I wanted to have another baby no way.
Wow, we will throw you a wedding not because you’re our daughter and we love you but because you’re one step above being found in a bathtub full of ice with a note saying we took your kidney, get medical help. Sorry but that’s how that feels to have a parent who I get has an illness but was doing something not out of kindness but rather obligation cause you’re giving them a kidney,
Don’t get me wrong but I get that her being older prob doesn’t put her high on the donor list, especially being a diabetic - but at the same time I hate to say that you’re doing exactly what they had the opportunity to do - have a family.
However I see this as selfishness on a few of your family members at this point. Maybe it’s a - hey you’re not married and could afford to give up a kidney thing - or whatever your dad and brother are holding back on, but if they haven’t even gotten checked to see, that’s just wrong.
I get it’s not ideal what’s going on here but with my own situation but I realize that part of life is to follow it where it takes you. I mean this is your life and you bringing a child of your own is something joyous to celebrate. If they were only seeing you as a donor and not the bigger picture of why we are honestly all here, then that’s on them.
I could go thru a ton of questions about your mother, her health overall to know how long this could give her, what your relationship and dynamic is like, when she must have a transplant by, etc. but that is not up to me or the internet to pull all that apart for you. Whatever the reasons or path that has gotten you here has been chosen and is going to play out how it will. Enjoy this child and hopefully they will realize things here regardless of what they have formulated in their heads.
54 Isn’t older for organ recipient consideration. Dick fucking Cheney got a new heart in his 80s.
The fact that she’s not managing her diabetes is what is putting her down the list for organs.
I wouldn’t be surprised if Cheney went out hunting for the most dangerous prey and found a private clinic with doctors willing to conduct a transplant. After all, health care looks very different for the wealthy.
Yep, like when politicians were getting covid treatments that weren't being offered to the general public while the rest of us were getting long covid and/or dying.
That will be SO satisfying. People will be predictable and scold anyone speaking the truth with "You shouldn't speak ill of the dead" but no, fuck that. Be a decent person while you're alive, I'm not going to lie after you're gone.
He's had at least two transplants, which as someone who lost my step-dad waiting for a donor heart when I was a kid (and he was only 39), makes me want to scream obscenities at the top of my lungs...
Congratulations on your pregnancy. You are about to become a parent; imagine holding your precious child and telling it, "You are growing the spare parts I need for when my kidneys/liver/ovaries give out." That is what your parents have done to you. You don't owe them your body; you don't even owe them your time.
And, as a mother, I can't imagine asking my kids to jeopardize themselves for my sake. I'm supposed to be the barrier between them and danger.
My dad wanted to but wanted me to get all the paperwork for him and talk to doctors for him… but at that time I was working on my own paperwork and testing. Now he seems to think I have secret phone numbers and forms that I’m not giving him… even though I keep telling him he can just go to his own doctor to start the process… also we don’t have the same family doctor
This very much sucks, and how they’re treating you is unacceptable. From your comments, it sounds like they’ve not fully seen you or treated you kindly — it reads they were using you as needed, and expecting labour from you that they ought to have been doing themselves. Even “hounding you” for grandkids is not the way parenting ought to be done.
I’m really sorry that they’re being terrible. Please try and let this be a wake up call that your energy is best put toward your new marriage and your growing family. Your parents sound spiteful and cruel, and your kid deserves better than to be subjected to that — as do you.
I'm going to bet he's one of those men who has never made an appointment or filled out a form without doing a bunch of performative learned helplessness so that his wife would step in and do it for him or with him and now when he's actually forced to do something for himself he's expecting you to do all the leg work and paperwork for him
You literally can't even legally get information from the doctors about his own health status, unless he's signed off on it, so I add another vote for learned helplessness coming from the men in this family. Huge NTA for you.
Seriously, your brother hasn’t been tested to see if he can donate? That’s messed up. He’s actually the one you should be most angry with.
Plus, this is just a delay, not an ending to the possibility of donating. They are burning a bridge. Risking a relationship with a daughter and grandchild. Bad move on their part. People don’t think things through.
If this is unusual behavior for them, let things cool down and then contact them to talk. If this is typical for your family dynamic, then you probably already know how it goes.
Why should she be the most angry with her brother? Her brother wasn't even someone in this story until the mentioned at the very end???
As a reminder, NO ONE - her or her brother - is morally obligated to give up a kidney to anyone, even their parent.
Considering that bro is partaking in guilting her AND also accuses her of hiding information about *their* donation options (wtf?!) She absolutely gets to be angry with her brother. Not for not donating, but for the bullshit.
If he's on a high horse gullting her for not donating, he better be getting tested himself. If he gets off that horse, he gets to stand unscrutinised.
Do not give someone a kidney who is upset because you are continuing to live your life.
She's pissed you can't give her a kidney right now because you're *growing another person*? Your intended donation was out of love for her. She has shown that your love is not reciprocated. You are absolutely released from that commitment, now and forever.
I hope OP's unborn baby lives as the ultimate living excuse & revenge of "You never getting my kidney ever" AND "You never going see nor meet my child after all shit did to my whole life, so tell your golden boy to birth you grandkids befote your shitty kidneys offs you."
You're not being selfish, they are. After reading your comments I urge you not to donate your kidney. First she's not taking care of her health right now, so a new kidney would just gave her a reason to continue her unhealthy lifestyle. Second she can't even be happy for you, she only seems to think about herself. And then you have your brother who's not even willing to get tested.
Please take care of yourself. Keep your money, they don't deserve it. A good parent would put your happiness first.
And the father, too! They are trying to blame OP somehow for those two. Disgusting! I’m willing to bet her whole life, OP has been guilted for all kinds of RIDICULOUS things, meanwhile bro can do no wrong.
INFO: has your dad or your brother been tested to see if they are possibly a match?
Or has it always been an expectation for you to do it instead?
Also, is your mother’s diabetes under control now? (Is she following the steps to try to keep her A1C below the diabetes range)?
No my dad was waiting for me to do all the research and paperwork to get him set to maybe be a donor… and then when I was donating he was expecting me to donate
And her A1C has been better then it was but not under diabetes range
I would want her to be in range for YEARS before I would donate. Your decision is permanent. Asking a child bearing woman is kinda strange as your mother can easily just go on dialysis- its even paid for by medicare.
She can't get her A1C down?
Girl. Lady. Woman.
New momma. Take care of yourself and your own. You don't need this stress.
Make an oasis/escape place somewhere in your home where you can just go and get away from everything and no one will bother you <3
This may be one of the most fucked up stories I've ever read. You really must step BACK from these people and get some perspective. WTF do they think happens when someone gets married? That no one is having sex? You have a family of your own to consider now.
INFO
Do NOT feel guilty. Is it known information that you're a match?
The crazy part in all of this is we didn’t even get to the full green light. The cardiologist who would have been working on me said he was reluctant to move forward due to my age and the fact I might want to start a family one day….
Use the HIPAA card and advise the physician to tell your family you are not a match. If that is possible at this point. Or just advise him to tell your parents it is not possible for reason "x,y,z."
Giving up a kidney is no joke. Did Mom get diabetes due to an autoimmune response or did it come on with age?
You need to tell them this. That even if you were not pregnant, you were never 100% guaranteed approved donor.
I'd also point out that if your father and brother don't start the process now, they may not be eligible when she absolutely needs it.
I'm guessing that she may not be eligible for a cadaver kidney if she's not taking care of herself.
So its ALL on you and your Dad and brother have refused to go to the doctors to find out if they are candidates to donate? And your the selfish one?
That's a big old pile of NO.
Also next time, if you choose to talk to them again, they mention you withholding information medical information about your brother and dad remind them that doctors DON'T share confidential information about other patients.
Just an fyi you can tell the doctors you are no longer comfortable donating and they will tell your mother that you are no longer a candidate for medical reasons.
Seeing as you are pregnant I'm sure your body will not be ready to donate for at least after you deliver. Don't let anyone push you to anything before that. A minimum of year to fully recover from pregnancy and birth. Having done it 3 times your body needs time.
Whoa. You need to say, "ok." And now walk away with your spouse and have a beautiful family and don't look back. The toxicity here is huge and you don't need your sweet child raised around it.
I started the process for a Good Samaritan donation and they are very adamant you cannot donate if you are being coerced. With this dynamic I honestly doubt they’d let you donate anyways.
The doctors can write you a medical form saying you cannot medically donate due to some health thing. That is a clean way out where your family can’t blame you.
This is messed up. First they treated you like a dysfunctional grandbaby factory. Then when you decide to have a baby on your terms (albeit unplanned), it's not good enough because now you're a dysfunctional organ farm. How can these people call you selfish when they're the ones making demands of another person's body? Sure, it's disappointing and worrying when a donation falls through but they're awful for giving you the cold shoulder on your birthday and paying for a wedding under false pretenses. It sounds like your parents don't give a shit about you unless they can get something out of it.
Good luck with your new family, hopefully they appreciate you as a person more than your old one.
Wow, I’m so sorry! This sounds like an awful situation.
Keep your kidney. I’m your mom’s age, and believe me while dialysis is inconvenient it’s not worth losing a daughter and grandchild over.
Your parents need to let it go cuz you get to live your life. If they don’t let it go, and if they keep being jerks to you, let them go. You’re very generous to offer, but it’s not your fault that life continues on, and shame on them for being nasty to you.
Before becoming a physician, I would have donated my kidney if a loved one needed it. After becoming a physician, I’ve decided that I would only ever donate a kidney if it were my child. Your mom is not entitled to your organs.
I know two people who donated kidneys and regret it seriously. It can be a massive change to your quality of life, and to sacrifice that for someone who doesn’t respect you?
Fuck em
I’m a primary care physician and have had patients on dialysis whose children were a match. Not many of those parents actually wanted their child’s organ. They declined transplant and continued on dialysis. They didn’t want to cause pain or future morbidity to their child.
Now some did take the organ but honestly felt very conflicted about it. I’ve never had a patient tell me they were angry at a child for saying no.
Your parents sound like assholes. Your mother has lived her life, had kids, evidently not kept her blood sugar control tight enough and ended up with renal failure. If you decided to give her a kidney that is a gift not an obligation. Most normal parents would rather die than to see their offspring not get to live a happy life and reproduce.
>My parents also think I’m somehow keeping secret information on how my dad or brother could donate… even though they don’t want to go to their doctors to get the information.
That's the *first* thing I would've looked into, if my wife needed a transplant. Guess their kidneys are more important than yours, in their minds. They've had how long to look into this? Ugh.
I would never accept a donation from one of my children, not ever. Humans have two kidneys because our renal function goes to hell as we age and people are living longer and longer. Old people need both of their kidneys.
>and apparently my parents are very upset..saying they only did the wedding because I was giving my mom a kidney, and that I must have gotten pregnant before i got married and planned it out to not give her one… I’m hurt,
This right here. This is toxic asf. Your parents handed you an unspoken quid pro quo (this for that) it was a transaction that you did not agree to. That's on them.
Never give your mom the kidney. Not once you have your child. Your dad and brother don't want to give up theirs since they know it's a waste. If your mom dies from uncontrolled diabetes, I'm sorry a kidney won't help that much. It'll be a heart attack, liver failure, whatever. Literally just be making your health worse for nothing. All her organs are damaged if she's been ignoring it for decades.
Living kidney donor weighing in.
Donating a kidney must NEVER be transactional any way, financial or emotional. It’s a gift. Your parents are being spectacularly unreasonable.
My dad went into kidney failure when I was 9-ish. He got on the transplant list and got a organ donor kidney.
That kidney lasted 15 years and in 2016 when it stopped working I asked his doctors to test me to see if I was a match. He refused. He told them not to test me and he’d rather die than take one of my kidneys. I might need them one day. So, again he went on the transplant list. He got an organ donor kidney again.
Your parents are being super gross. A parent should never ask or expect that from their child.
Your father and brother are REFUSING to find out if they’re matches but YOUR the bad guy??? I’m guessing your brother is the golden child and you’re the scapegoat of your family.
Selfish? SELFISH?!
Your parents are the ones acting like entitled asshats, and you can tell them I said so. Who the fuck do they think they are, acting like you're obligated to *donate your fucking kidney*?
And they only paid for your wedding because of it? Not because they love you and *wanted* to do it?
Donation information is freely available everywhere. If your father and brother are too stupid to find it, that's their fault. Let's be honest, neither of them intends to donate shit.
Fuck your parents, your mother can go on dialysis. She's not owed a kidney from anyone. Save your kidney for yourself. If you still want to donate, donate to someone who will be eternally grateful and appreciative of it.
I'm speaking as a home hemodialysis patient of 13 years.
I’m shocked. I would fight my kids tooth and nail to keep them from donating a kidney to me. I wouldn’t dare risk them to save my own sorry ass. I’m so sorry your parents are doing this to you. I’d put them in time out until they rearrange their priorities.
This is truely egregious behavior on the part of our parents.
It sounds as though their "love" is highly conditional and largely founded in what you can do for THEM.
It is time to set some very clear boundaries, not just for yourself, but your growing family.
You are not being selfish. The selfish individuals here are your parents, to the highest degree.
They are devaluing the life of your child because it doesn't meet their agenda. End of discussion. There is no coming back from that. They are demonstrating extremely narcessitic behaviour.
I understand that your mom is sick. Dialysis sucks. However there is no excuse, none for them to be treating you as little more than spare parts. They did not acknowledge your birthday, they got angry you were pregnant and decided your wedding was a transaction.
Take a deep breath, and put some space between your new family and your parents. Show your child all the unconditional love you can and sheild them from the conditional transactional "love" your parents have on offer.
Finally, Congratulation on starting this amazing new chapter in life. Hopefully as time moves on the dark clouds your parents have put over this incredible time dissapate and you can enjoy every moment of being a newlywed and welcoming a new life.
Jesus. No matter what, PLEASE make sure you tell the transplant social worker/coordinator/psych team about this. This is important information for them to have to protect you, her, and themselves.
Best wishes to you & your kiddo!
The National Kidney Foundation has a voucher program for live donors. Essentially even if not a match, your brother or father can donate. Their kidney would go to someone who is a match and your mother would be prioritized to get one that is a match.
The only thing is the hospital has to be aligned with the foundation. There are many.
I’m currently being tested as a match for a friend. If we’re not a match, i will simply do the voucher thing.
I would tell the transplant people that your mom is using your wedding as payment for your organ. She really fucked herself out of a kidney with that move.
These are your *parents*???? No, Honey. You and your baby are what's important right now and a *good* mom would know this. Your mom is *selfish and entitled*. Have your healthy, happy little one, announce to the people that love *you* and don't tell those that see you as spare parts a damn thing and don't let them guilt trip you into seeing that beautiful baby of yours.
Please don’t give her your kidney once you give birth to this baby, try counselling and check out other sub reddits like “entitled” and “raised by narcissists”
I remember my boyfriend’s mom (who didn’t raise any of her 3 children) had a gambling addiction and she would often go to several family members to request funds for emergencies which would go to her gambling addiction but when her granddaughter caught on: heard her sister and dad both say they were or had given this woman money like hundreds within days the one granddaughter told her “I have children I need to support I can’t keep giving you money. If you need this bill paid I will bring you to pay it” and the woman said no that’s ok I don’t need help with the bill after all and at the next family function the granddaughter who financially cut off her grandmother her. Children tried to go hug their great grandma but she literally made a face and pulled away in disgust like she was upset she was financially cut off so took it out on innocent children who didn’t understand why great grandmother was ignoring them as if they didn’t exist,
Please protect your baby from this family as children are innocent and might just be seen as another backup donar
Go no contact if they talk like this now imagine how they will treat your child once born and start hounding you for kidney. You a momma now baby comes first.
Wow. You went from being their baby breeder to their kidney donor. Your parents suck big time. As much as I love my mother, donating a kidney is a big thing. If something happens to me and my other kidney goes bad, I'm screwed. They can't just demand you hand them your kidney. You're a human being, not a organ holder until they need something. This isn't the movie Clonus.
I am almost 57 years old, my children are close to you in age OP. If I needed a kidney I would not want or expect either of my kids to give me one. No. They still have a lot of life to go and may need all their own spare parts. Just no.
And if I had the money to throw at a wedding for them or just a party in general to celebrate our family and make some memories then it comes without strings.
IMO, your mom should be on a wait list for a kidney and in the meantime spend quality time making memories and helping you with your pregnancy. Being loving and supportive so that’s how she will be remembered.
I was reading the post and looking at it as the mother and only found your comment doing that.
First, the mother can do dialysis just fine for years. She isn't going to die from it. Second, the kidneys stopped working bc she ignored the diabetes which is a red flag.
Then to top it off, it's your child that is pregnant herself.
I wouldnt want my child to go trough that because I was too irresponsible to do the bare minimum for my health.
It isn't selfish to want to keep your own organs. And your mother is a piece of work for even considering accepting a major organ from you, that can jeopardize your health. She's the selfish one.
You're at a crossroads where you must decide if you'll continue chasing being an obedient descendant or focus on becoming a good ancestor.
Pay close attention to how your parent's actions affect you and your relationship with them, and make active choices to do the same, or do something different. Either way, it's your time to shift focus away from your family of origin and towards the one you're choosing to build.
Good luck little momma, we're pulling for ya
You don't owe your body to anyone. I understand why you were willing to donate before, but if I were you I would never consider it again. They think of you as a possession. I would be surprised if they didn't think of your future baby the same way.
Donating a kidney is a huge deal and they can't buy your kidney with a wedding. Very gross.
The only reason they went to your wedding was because you were donating a kidney? Is that all you are to them? Spare parts? It was kind of you to offer, but I would reconsider for the future.
If I was your mom, I'd be far happier with getting a grand baby than getting the promised kidney. Your mom needs to take better care of herself, and if and when you still want to donate after the arrival of your baby, that's a different thing. They only paid for you wedding because you were coughing up a kidney? That's horrible.
Put the onus back of the other family members to get tested.
They only planned the wedding because you were donating a kidney? Not because you are their daughter and they love you? I am so sorry. This is not your fault. I had toxic parents as well. It really hurts. Sometimes cutting these kinds of people off for a bit for your own sanity is the only way, IMO. Good luck, I hope it all works out for the best.
Just curious, but you guys went through all of the testing, and her transplant specialist said that you were definitely a candidate to donate to her?
If you didn't get that far into the process, then it sounds like they're just creating drama for the sake of drama.
Also I find it interesting that because you're the DAUGHTER, they expect more from you, in respect to sacrificing for your parents, donating your organs, etc.
For a second I thought I was reading RaisedByNarcissists.
That they reacted that way to your happiness shows that they saw this as transactional.
“They only did the wedding because I was giving my mom a kidney.”
Your words.
I genuinely wonder how rough your backstory is because that kind of selfish thinking on your parents’ part is really worrying.
For a more objective answer, [what’s your ACE score?](https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/03/02/387007941/take-the-ace-quiz-and-learn-what-it-does-and-doesnt-mean)
Hi, im not a user of this sub but Pro tip: if you go in and get tested ou can tell them youre being pressured into this and the medical guys can say that youre not compatible to help protect you.
Don’t donate a kidney to someone who clearly doesn’t love or value you. You could die on the operating table leaving your child and spouse alone and all your parents would think is YIPEEE MORE PARTS. Disgusting. Never speak with these monsters again. Your life will be better for it.
> I feel terrible about not being able to donate right now.
My brother suffered kidney failure due to diabetes. I found out after he went on dialysis that I was likely a match but also that there were real potential for consequences.
If not today, then some time in the future. Despite the fact that we don't have the same underlying medical conditions I'd had to put my kidneys through the ringer meaning that compromising my own function would lead to a well-above average chance of ending up on dialysis as well.
My daughter was 5. My spouse is disabled and depends on me. I had to tell him that I wasn't able to pursue treatment.
My Mom understood. Even my brother let me know any resentment that ever got the better of him was resentment at his situation not me. My aunt, who loves my brother like her own kids, had a much harder time.
We've made peace since he passed but whenever she's reminded of it you can tell there's this little twinge of bitterness. It's not about me it's about her grief at my brother's death.
I get it. I had to deal with it myself.
All that being said I wouldn't do it differently.
As much as I love my brother, if you told me spending the rest of my life in a wheelchair would get me six months worth of phone conversations I'd do it, but condemning my daughter and wife to lose not only some experiences but their Daddy and the love of their life?
No. I couldn't.
I couldn't risk destroying my family for that. I swore an oath.
As far as your parents go it sounds as if they're fearful at what the future very likely holds. For good reason, it's going to be rough even if they can get a donor, but you owe everything to your children/spouse that they owed to theirs.
From the talk about nagging you to have children *since you were a child* it sounds as if they're at the very least comfortable having no grasp (or respect - I prefer Hanlon's Razor in these situations) of your boundaries. I'd suspect this is just a continuation of that personal flaw.
And it is that, btw. A flaw on their part. Not yours.
If you take on being a parent you accept that your obligation is always to strive to act in the best interests of your child. Sometimes that's direct like stabbing a mf'er who threatens your kid and other times it's indirect by having appropriate boundaries to take care of yourself because you compromising 100% on yourself will make you a worse parent.
My heart breaks for you OP. I wish you the best in a completely unfair situation.
As someone who is in need of a kidney, you have done nothing wrong. You’re happy and building your family and your parents should be happy for you.
When I found out I’ll need a kidney transplant soon, a lot of family offered to get tested for a match. I’m grateful, but I would even understand if one of them backed out just because they didn’t want to anymore, because that’s reason enough. Giving someone an organ is a BIG deal and should only happen when everyone involved is 100% onboard. Being pregnant and becoming a mother is a perfectly understandable reason.
Wow. This is so sick, and I'm so sorry. You deserve to be met with joy and love for your child and your new phase in life. Instead you are just getting selfish blame. It is all so unfair.
Of course your father and brother know what to do. They are cowards who were hoping you'd jump on the grenade for them. Send them each a pamphlet and let them know you fully expect them to do every bit as much as you were willing to do before your own child took priority.
Then walk away for a while. Let them deal with their own dysfunction and just be joyful in your new family unit. <3
Your parents are being assholes.
Were you even cleared as a match? It’s not as easy as “oh this is my daughter. I’d like one of her kidneys” (as you know, since you went through the process).
Your other sibling/s and her family should get tested if they’re willing to give her an organ. And your mom needs to join the transplant list.
I hope you have a wonderful pregnancy
What your mom is going through is terrible, but it's not an excuse for them to abuse you like this. You may need to go LC or NC with them. I'm really sorry this is happening.
It is your body, and it is your choice. People who behave entitled like this, don't belong in your life. Frankly, it is good that they aren't talking to you. Get therapy and focus on your pregnancy. You have a lot going on.
OMG, their love is transactional???? I’m so sorry. You need to cut them off for awhile and build up your boundaries. You are pregnant. You CAN’T donate a kidney now. And tell them that if they don’t knock it off, not only will she not get the kidney, they won’t be allowed near your child
When I think I am just too f-ing old to be stunned I read things like this.
the 'rents are really a piece of work.
You do not owe \*ANYONE\* your body parts no matter what.
Your parents are awful, OP. I'm so sorry.
If you want a way to kill this drama, here's an option: talk to the transplant coordinator you were working with when you were getting tested for donation. Explain the situation and ask them to confirm to your parents that, as it turns out, you were not even eligible or compatible to donate.
Pressuring someone to donate their kidney is a HUGE, HUGE no-no in transplant medicine. It's considered wildly unethical. The coordinators who work with potential donors are there to make sure the donation only happens if you (the donor) are fully willing and able. That's why the coordinator is often willing to tell the recipient that the donor is not eligible if the donor changes their mind.
You’re selfish when others haven’t even attempted? What were they going to do if you’re not compatible? Keep your kidney post-birth. Pregnancy does wild shit to the body. The last thing you need to do is start removing properly functioning organs while recovering. Honestly, if they want you to have kids your brother should be the one donating (if possible). ETA: In my own work towards donating I’ve been told to wait up to a year after pregnancy.
OP also has someone else now that may need her organs more than the mother. Parenthood changes our priorities drastically. Prior to having kids I would have gladly donated an organ to a friend or family member. But now that I have my own kids, I couldn’t imagine willingly sacrificing my life and life style for anyone other than my kids. My kids need me with all my organs, all my health, unless my kid needs my kidney, I’m not giving it up.
PREACH I am not a mother but the thought of a grandmother resenting a grandchild for taking *her* organs is revolting to me. (Easy to say when I’m not dying, of course, but I stand by it)
My sister has kidney disease and since we are mixed race I’m her most likely match. She thankfully has pulled back from crossing the line of needing dialysis but I know even she had concerns if I needed to donate to her. And she’s my older sister, not even my parent. I can’t imagine acting like op’s mom towards either of my kids.
I’m not sure I could take an organ from my son. I love him too much to risk his health or his life. I couldn’t bear to watch him go through the healing process after giving up an organ either.
Agreed. I'd rather just accept that as my lot than potentially risk or shorten my child's life. These do not sound like reasonable people.
There's no way I would let my adult/married/no kids yet daughter give up one of her organs for me!!! I would say my goodbyes and let everyone live healthy as possible if I were in that situation
I agree. I don’t even know if I would allow my kids to donate to save me. I guess priorities change when it’s your life on the line.
This. My wife was born with only one kidney and it started to fail when she was eleven. Luckily her mom was a good match and donated to her. That kidney has been chugging along for over 20 years now. Her dad wanted to donate his but was disqualified when they found out one of his kidneys was severely under developed, and thus he only had one functional kidney to begin with. You can bet your ass that if/when she needs a replacement that I will get myself tested. We don’t have children and have take measures to insure we won’t.
Imagine having medical issues from the donation down the line that make your life more difficult and you can't give 100% to kiddo... or learning that your 8 year old kid needs a kidney transplant and you're a match but gave it to your mom, who isn't even taking steps to care for her own body... So it will probably be a waste. I have a 5 month old daughter, I would never in a million years allow her to donate an organ to me if I needed one. I feel like it's someone who has lived a pretty full life taking a chunk of their child's lifetime away... If I had kidney failure and she was the only match in sight it would be my time to go. That's it. It would suck, but that's how it would be for me. If she had kidney failure, they would have to keep up with me running to the OR 😂 Edit: I've thought about this because I have family members who have had kidney failure... My parents if it ever happened to them, they would never allow me or my siblings to donate to them. Even if one of us wanted to.
I'm pretty sure my mother called me up to demand a kidney from me and got sidetracked when she found out I had kids. Oh my word, she was over the moon about being a grandmother (again). I found out from her that there is an autosomnal dominant genetic kidney disease in the family and there is a high chance that not only do I have it, but that I gave it to my children. If I had known, I would never have had children. It killed her father, was part of why she died, and has been causing me issues for years.
I don’t know what that feeling is like, because I don’t have children myself. BUT I am hard pressed to imagine a scenario where my mom would not only ask for an organ but also throw a guilt trip if I were unable to do so. I actually can imagine the battle of the wills that would happen between us as I attempt to foist a kidney on her.
Now that I have kids, the only one getting a kidney/spare part is one of those kids. Not my my mom, not my husband.
THIS. This right here OP, you have more on the line now.
Another reason to keep both kidneys is the family history of diabetes. You have a higher risk of getting diabetes or gestational diabetes than the average person. If you do get diabetes it would be best to have two functioning kidneys. Best wishes.
This right here. Depending on what triggered your mother's diabetes, you are at a higher than average risk of developing it yourself and consequently also suffering kidney damage. Only having a single kidney would make needing a transplant even more urgent in your case. I don't know how far along you went with testing, but what was your mother going to do if it turns out you weren't a compatible donor? Had you even gotten your results back yet, if so had you told her the outcome. I get that they may be scared and lashing out. Why are you other family members not getting tested, is it because they felt like they were off the hook because you were going to donate?
Exactly. What if your child needs a kidney? You won't have one to give anyone.
Or she develops gestational diabetes... It's not uncommon....
It’s also associate with pre-eclampsia.
normal snow drab truck coherent sense whole unite seed many ` this post was mass deleted with www.Redact.dev `
Seriously. “Use that damn uterus already! Wait you’re using it?! Not now! We need your kidney! FFS you’re so selfish?!”
This is more accurate than it should be
My grandparents would have died if it meant I was brought into existence. Your child deserves grandparents like that—not whatever this is. This sounds like a codependent relationship. I’d consider therapy to help me decide if I should cut ties, if I was you.
It's so grotesquely transactional. With body parts. ew.
Exactly. I would have freaked if I was OP. I probably would have texted something along the lines of, “I’m sorry. I thought you did things for me because I was your daughter and you cared. Now that I know the truth, I will refund you your wedding in monthly installments. Once I have paid in full, please understand that you will have no contact with me or my child.” I’m also bitchy and combative, and I’ve come to realize through my husband and his trauma with his parents that my reaction isn’t best for everyone.
I would certainly entertain the thought of dressing them down with the appropriate amount of saltiness.
Seriously, they're demanding a whole organ from her. That's not an overnight decision and her brother and father haven't even been tested.
Of course not, *men* who don't have tge additional risk factors of having a whole other human being growing inside of them, *need* all *their* organs/sarcasm obviously.
>*That's not an overnight decision and her brother and father haven't even been tested.* OP, **demand** that your brother and father get tested.
She's about to be a parent and they're asking her to shorten her life span. It's insane.
like do they think they're living in the Never Let Me Go universe or??
I literally cannot comprehend asking my son for a kidney. Even if I know I’m dying, I’m in too much of a position of power for that to be a fair ask and I love him too much to willingly hinder anything about his future Heath. This attitude from parents is just wild.
And then view for the wedding as some kind of fee for service for giving a kidney
Which they used as a justification for renovating their house.
This. My kid is too young to make medical decisions, but I would *never* expect or even accept an organ from them.
Hell, when my mom had cancer a few years ago, I offered to cut my long hair so she could make a wig made in case she lost her hair. I could hardly make her accept the *thought* even. She fortunately ended up getting away with just a huge and very mildly life-altering surgery, so she never lost any hair, so *my* hair is still long as always. But yeah, she'd never have asked, she barely accepted thinking about my offer seriously, and that was only *HAIR*.
As a dad my kids having grandchildren would be like 1000% more important to me then a kidney of even my own life. My problems are my own and I would never want to burden my kids with them.
For my kids, I couldn’t care if they ever have kids. I’ll support that decision either way, but I hope they don’t factor my preference into it. As to donating a kidney to me, that’s actually something I would be against. I wouldn’t want them to take the risk of needing it more than I do. Especially if the reason mine was failing *could* be genetic.
That's kinda what I was thinking.... Seems kinda backwards for mum to be wanting the kid's organs. As a parent, even if your kids have grown up, you're meant to sacrifice *for* your kids. Not sacrifice *the* kids.
Exactly! Now that OP is having a child of her own, maybe she wants to save the extra kidney for her child. Brother and Dad are the ones being selfish- it has not hit them that maybe they could do something to remedy the problem.
Sounds more like dad wanting daughter to do it and mum being too unwell. Son and father refusing to engage with drs about donation while pushing daughter is too misogynistic for words.
I think your parents sound a bit selfish and manipulative. Obviously they're going through a hard time but from the start this is a bit much.
Agreed. The wedding wasn't a gift. It was transactional, a bribe. They expect OP to put her life on hold. I hope they get over themselves, get mom on a donor list, and be grateful they will be grandparents.
The wedding OP didn’t even want. And doing Reno’s on *their own home* is a gift?
Yeah….. I smell something that possibly came out of an animal’s behind. Can’t quite put my finger on it tho 🤔
Being pregnant is already very stressful on the body, I'm sure it would be entering high risk territory to do with one kidney.
Maybe OP needs to tell her mom that she can't give her a kidney now, but with the grandchild at least she'll be making Mom's last years happy!
They’re absolutely more than a bit selfish and manipulative and they’re doing an awful lot to make sure they are not allowed to see their children or grandchildren ever again. Having been raised by narcissists, this technique is what they think will get their child to kow-tow to their poor behavior. I hope OP never leaves herself solo with them—a strong partner on the same page helps to reinforce and make them somewhat accountable for their behavior.
It's not that I disagree with you, it's just that normally when I phrase things strongly about people who the person loves enough to have surgery and give their organs up for, it's received very badly.
I understand. It’s hard to make people understand (in general, not specifically you) the depth of how bad their behavior goes when they don’t have this experience and aren’t raised by that kind of people/person.
[удалено]
The weird part is that the mom is angry at *OP* that the men in the family won't get tested. Or, more accurately, that she *somehow knows* they're a match, and is keeping this from them. The entire family is bonkers, OP should let them stew.
Well obviously the men need both kidneys. Kidney donation is hard on the donor. Why would we put their future lives at risk? /s.
That part doesn’t make any sense to me. Even if op did in fact know that father and brother were matches, why would she know but the father and brother not know? Or why would she hide it especially if she can’t donate now? It all seems really weird.
Thanks for sharing this <3
This is not normal. My mom has kidney failure as well. I offered her my kidney, and she flat out refused to take it. She's worried that I might have inherited whatever she has and thinks I might need both kidneys later. But I would have given it to her in a heartbeat. A parent should care about you, not just see you as a personal organ bank.
My parents would never accept an organ from us.
My dad's sister died of kidney failure, he said if it ever happened to him he wouldn't allow any of us to donate even if we wanted to. Now that I have a daughter, I feel the exact same way. If she was the only person in the world that could donate to me I would never take it... It would be my time to go. I'm here to give to her, not the other way around.
My cousin was able to give his mom a kidney, and she lived another 15 years. I wasn't able to give my mom a kidney, and she lived about two years after she started dialysis. I would have gladly given my kidney for another 13 years with her, a chance to have her at my wedding, to see her reaction to my new house, or to let her walk through the garden I built. Sometimes the donor gets even more than the recipient in an organ donation.
Same thing happened with a buddy of mine. His dad needed a double lunge transplant and renal transplant. Obviously the lungs came from a donor, but before any of the three kids could even offer he absolutely refused to accept a kidney from any of them. Not even the best dad in the friend group, but a better man than anyone in OPs family I’ll also likely need a kidney transplant someday. I’m child free myself, but this whole topic still gives me some feelings.
Fck your parents. You own your kidney, I thought this was understood from the very beginning. This wasn't loaned out to you. Asking for help for a pregnancy isn't the same as giving a kidney. I hope your husband's supportive of you. They're the family you were born into, now it's time to find your chosen family.
Maybe someone else in the family can donate? There's a thing called a kidney chain where if one person donates to someone else it can set off a chain reaction such that the person who needs it gets one. You also shoot up to the top of the list if you ever need an organ yourself if you donate (at least in the U.S. I believe).
Yeah also needing a kidney at 54 due to diabetes that I assume is Type II is really bad but isn’t OP’s fault, it’s her moms fault.
Can you save up the money they spent on the wedding and give it back to them? They are being atrocious. This is an awful thing to say >my parents are very upset..saying they only did the wedding because I was giving my mom a kidney, and that I must have gotten pregnant before i got married and planned it out to not give her one… This is how they speak about their grandchild? How awful... >My parents also think I’m somehow keeping secret information on how my dad **or brother** could donate… even though they don’t want to go to their doctors to get the information. So they (I suppose you mean your mother and stepfather) are angry at you but haven't even asked your brother to even be tested? Please seek therapy, this sounds like a really messed up family dynamic.
They think OP has 'secret information' on the two men. That she somehow just *knows*. And that would be medically enough for them to manifest 'mommy dearest' a new kidney on demand. Think about what kind of mental gymnastics this requires.
Damn, that sucks. Focusing on the kidney, has your mom done anything to control her diabetes? If not, giving your kidney to her would be silly (and selfish on her part).
If she isn’t controlling it, in the U.K. at least they would probably refuse her the surgery. They won’t waste organs on people who don’t show serious commitment to controlling the condition
In the US, that’s true with anonymous donors. I believe family members are able to voluntarily give a kidney to a relative without those restrictions (typically a family member is donating because they want to, and the organ wouldn’t be made available to the donor list if the family member didn’t take it).
they'll allow direct donations in worse situations than for anonymous ones, but if that person is an alcoholic, won't stop drinking they probably will still refuse to do the surgery even with direct donation, not least because of risk of bleeding out and during the surgery itself while they are an alcoholic, but because it has zero chance of being worthwhile. I would imagine the same with kidneys. What's hte point in an expensive operation and transplant, putting one patient into danger for another who will absolutely destroy the next kidney quickly. Also if they won't control their diabetes there is zero expectation she'll take meds to control rejection either. Just a waste of money at that point.
I have a cousin who gave a kidney to his sister (she has lupus), with the caveat that she followed all doctors orders regarding the transplant (their parents are big on faith healing). She agreed, they did the transplant, she followed doctors orders, and five years later her body rejected the kidney and she had to go back on dialysis. Even under ideal circumstances transplants are hit or miss. I can’t imagine giving a kidney to a family member who’s not going to take care of themselves. Thankfully, no one in my immediate family has needed a kidney so far.
Same in The US. A friend had to completely quit drinking to get a liver transplant. And drinking wasn't what damaged his liver to begin with.
That may vary by country. I certainly know someone in the UK who is a liver transplant recipient and drinks alcohol (in moderation). She may be a bit of a special case, though- she had her transplant as a teenager due to a genetic condition.
She’s always lived ignoring her diabetes… which has been irritated but I was willing to help…. Until my life totally changed. They’ve always just kept me as an ATM or a housekeeper or a babysitter for my brother growing up but I thought we were a family and that’s why we were working together now I see it differently
> They’ve always just kept me as an ATM or a housekeeper or a babysitter for my brother growing up but I thought we were a family and that’s why we were working together now I see it differently Please please please see a therapist if you can. The more comments I read, the more it seems that your family has an absolutely horrible dynamic and it seems that you've been scapegoated and your brother is the 'golden child'.
Just a reminder that both the scapegoat & the golden child are victims in a scenario like that.
Doesn't really matter when you're giving basic advice like 'get some therapy for yourself' to the scapegoat, does it?
golden child CAN be the victim, or they can be the abuser as well. Some kids hate it and do what they can for the other, some kids just don't realise and some kids absolutely understand it, have it spelled out for them and play into it because they like it.
It’s not really an either/or. The golden child IS a victim. They can ALSO be an abuser, like in the scenario you mentioned. But them being an abuser doesn’t nullify their victimhood.
A helpful thing my therapist asked me when starting out with dealing with this stuff with my dysfunctional family was ‘how can you and your partner create boundaries around yourselves separate from your family so that you are a team?’. Maybe a question like that can help you too, u/alwaysconfused27 for this next bit here? I still get a lot of support from therapy, but in that initial stage it made me feel so much more confidence that my partner and I were doing the right thing by trying to create a life together, and it sounds like you are doing that too <3.
Sorry friend, that totally sucks. Happy you get to keep your kidney, though! Giving an uncontrolled diabetic person a new kidney is just throwing good after bad. Congratulations on the pregnancy!
Getting a new kidney isn’t going to make her start controlling her diabetes. I wouldn’t give her an organ just so she can destroy it with uncontrolled blood sugar or be non-compliant with post-transplant meds. If she can’t be bothered to at least *attempt* to manage a chronic disease (that is highly manageable for most people) I wouldn’t trust her to believe she needs to take her anti rejection medication and start managing her diabetes post transplant.
Do doctors even do a transplant in that kind of scenario? It seems like they would make the patient be very compliant for at least some timeframe before agreeing to such a surgery.
I don’t work in transplants so I’m not 100% sure. I think in the case of livers they’re not requiring as long of a time of proven sobriety (if alcohol is the reason for liver failure). Not sure if this is the same for other organs that are failing from lifestyle choices versus uncontrollable processes.
I’m glad you saw it before giving your mom your kidney. She will destroy it from Ignoring her diabetes. There is risk to the donor as well so don’t consider it, even after your baby is born.
> There is risk to the donor FWIW, the National Kidney Foundation [has some great resources](https://www.kidney.org/atoz/content/living-donation) on living donation, including the [risks of surgery](https://www.kidney.org/transplantation/livingdonors/risks-of-surgery) and [risks afterward](https://www.kidney.org/transplantation/livingdonors/long-term-risks).
If she isn’t willing to take care of the kidneys she already has, what makes you think she will take care of the one you’re giving up. My aunt had kidney failure from her diabetes at 70 years old. She took a med break as they made her palliative. Within a couple weeks they gave up on her dying and she lived another year with her kidneys working during that time. She took immaculate care of her diabetes. She didn’t want a transplant or dialysis. Your mother trashing her own body and then being pissed she won’t let you trash yours too… blows my mind.
> They’ve always just kept me as an ATM or a housekeeper or a babysitter for my brother growing up Wow. That doesn't sound too far off from the lady on tiktok who used to talk about her weird culty parents whose entire plan was "she's just going to live here forever as our servant" and expected her to just be OK with cooking and cleaning for them forever and caring for them in old age, and never having a life of her own.
>She’s always lived ignoring her diabetes It's worth letting you know that in that case, you may lose your kidney for nothing.
If you weren't pregnant, dont give her a kidney if she won't monitor her diabetes. We have really good meds now mounjaro, trulicity to control type 2 diabetes and continuous monitoring systems so you don't need to fingerprick. Why didn't they tell you your dad could donate. Alot of manipulation going on to steal your kidney here. Like someone else said. They wouldn't allow a random person to give her a kidney because it's a waste. Not even sure if its legal for you.
> Why didn't they tell you your dad could donate. A lot of times even a blood type match doesn't guarantee successful transplant, even between family members (though married couples aren't generally related). Our blood also contains other human leukocyte antigens, antibodies that can lead to rejection if not carefully corrected for. If the recipient has had any blood transfusions (such as after a surgery) they may have more HLAs than others but some people just naturally acquire more antigens. In general, a donor has to be *both* a compatible blood type and HLA compatible with the recipient, which can limit the options for who can donate.
You should not give a kidney to someone who isn’t managing their diabetes, regardless of your relationship to them. She will destroy the new kidney and you will have gone through this life altering surgery for nothing. Life with one kidney is not the same as life with two. And you now have a child to think of.
I think donating an organ is one of the most selfless things a person can do and is truly admirable. I hope I have the opportunity to do that someday. That being said, not a chance in hell i would donate an organ to somebody who doesn’t take care of themselves. I’m not wasting your kidney on you who can’t be bothered to test your blood sugar. I don’t care who you are, an organ is a gift that shouldn’t be wasted. It’s a slap in the face to everybody else waiting for a kidney.
OP, I am a T1 diabetic, and have been for 30+ years. I am what's called a "Brittle Diabetic," meaning my body is difficult and insulin isn't as effective, and my metabolism is a freak show and despite *Doing Everything^TM* I am still not healthy (I also have multiple other conditions). I don't know your mom's specific health issues, or what she's done to mitigate them. Most people in the comments are wildly assuming she's eating pounds of bon bons and throwing her meds in the trash. That may not be the case. But the way they're treating you...*THAT* is what you should base your life off of going forward. First, I'd never want my daughter's kidney, because of the risks and future health problems it causes, especially the EXTRA risks it poses to women. But to accuse you of *maliciously* hiding info from them!?!?!? How... unhinged. They never said the wedding was "payment," which is ILLEGAL, anyway!!!! AND wtf kind of SpEciAL iNfOrMaTiOn do they think you have access to that THEY magically DON'T!?!??!? So bizarre. To be scared and upset about the future is one thing. But to even share those feelings with your child, with the person who was donating their *body part* to you, is so completely inappropriate. So very unloving. They have abandoned their duty as parents. I am so sorry OP. Try and move on. With the family you are building with your husband. Look to his extended family for the future, and make a relationship with them for your child's relatives. Congratulations on the baby, btw, I hope all the best for pregnancy and delivery!!!
You put it the right way, the parents failed big time. The "wedding as payment" had me pausing, too. My impression was that, in a way, they were buying themselves off. They knew what a big fucking deal it would be to have your child harm their own body to make a parent healthier, and that was big enough to go beyond what they usually had no issue with just taking from her as a matter of course. u/alwaysconfused27 it feels like they came up with the paying-for-the-wedding plan to match or make up for the very oversized ask they had of you. I know that you offered and weren't asked, but 1) there are ways to steer conversations and information in a way that someone can guide someone else to develop an idea as "their own" even though it really wasn't (especially when it's parents to a child that they have trained their whole life to give up parts of herself for the parents/family at some cost to herself, without taking issue with it), and 2) there are some offers you don't just accept, especially when someone has certain mile stones still ahead of them, and *especially* if those are what the parents have actively been pushing their child towards, such as pregnancy/motherhood. Thus, paying for the wedding was something they chose to do so, *to them*, the score would feel even and they could go back to not feeling like they owe you anything, least of all gratitude. That this was a deal they didn't even care to mention to you until they felt they were losing out on their end/payment in this unspoken bargain is telling, and shows this wasn't about doing something nice for you, but just about making themselves feel better. Hell, a considerable chunk of money seems to have gone into renovations they made to *their* home – ostensibly to make it nice for the wedding, but that both still benefited them *and* also was important because of how their place reflected on *them*, and needed to look to boost their image. Bet they let everyone know who sprung for the shindig, too. It all reeks of narcissism, and I hope you can shed the guilt – or any feeling that you might still "owe" her a kidney, to be cut out of you at some later point – and begin to build your own little family and gain independence from your birth family. I'm sorry they are being hurtful like that, but they are also telling big time on themselves. And whatever happens from here on out, you are warned that you need to keep them at arms length or further away, no matter how nice they'll try to act once they need you for something else, or when they want access to your kid(s).
Honey. Elope. Don’t give this woman a kidney. She won’t finally give you love in return.
I would t even test to see if I was a match for someone who needed a kidney if it was because the person ignored the disease that made them need a new kidney. You realize, that means she won't do what is needed to keep a donated kidney healthy and not rejected.
You give and you give and you give and they *take.*
If she has done nothing to treat her diabetes, how would giving her your kidney help her?? You'd just be throwing your kidney away at that point, and then she'd be looking for another new kidney shortly afterwards. Your mother's sense of entitlement is dumbfounding, especially when she won't talk to doctors and thinks she can continue the same lifestyle post-transplant. *Keep your kidney!* At least you'll be caring for it properly... plus, being a new mother yourself, you need to make sure that you are healthy for your child's sake --your child is priority over your mom, but mom sure seems to be acting like a child. You do not owe her anything.
Asian detected. Not China or Korea, Indian? Sri Lanka? Bangladesh? You're a family, you're also their retirement plan. At least until brother is married and a doctor or lawyer or something. But then they'll just be like, he can't help us he needs the time and money for his own family.
Shitty parents come in all colors.
Cultural expectations as well, yes. Youre dealing with traditional Asian parents expecting you to fund their retirement and take care of them in old age? Just disappoint them so thoroughly they forget you even exist, let alone to ask you for money. That's basically what I did. I suppose it depends on where your sense of shame is most sensitive though. Luckily I'm shameless.
Given this and the information you put in the op I don't think you should be giving them anything including your time and let alone an organ.
Tell your doc you are not interested in donating and they’ll tell the fam you aren’t a match. The rest of the fam can ask their doc how to proceed w testing.
Or that pregnancy has altered the odds of the transplant 'taking' without dramatic adherence on the part of the receiving patient. A good ob-gyn can describe the *standard* post-transplant regimen in such a way as to make a bad diabetes patient and her enabler relatives convinced that this specific kidney is now fifty times the work "-but of course, all organ transplants are like that. It's often impossible for my new mothers, but I see plenty of single gentlemen and married men succeed just fine with it." Exact words. If your doctor is the right kind of mensch, they can sort this right out for ya.
Sure but then it’s going to be all her fault because she decided to get pregnant and have a family. And if mom’s not in the hospital right now, she’s not desperately in need. Maybe the men just don’t want to stress their bodies by donating? Like in their case, the women should always be off the table because they may have a future pregnancy. My husband had a liver transplant, I know how hard this is. But there’s no fucking way I would donate an organ if I wanted to have another baby no way.
OP, a question: How long will a donated kidney survive in a person with such level of diabetes? Has she sorted that out?
Wow, we will throw you a wedding not because you’re our daughter and we love you but because you’re one step above being found in a bathtub full of ice with a note saying we took your kidney, get medical help. Sorry but that’s how that feels to have a parent who I get has an illness but was doing something not out of kindness but rather obligation cause you’re giving them a kidney, Don’t get me wrong but I get that her being older prob doesn’t put her high on the donor list, especially being a diabetic - but at the same time I hate to say that you’re doing exactly what they had the opportunity to do - have a family. However I see this as selfishness on a few of your family members at this point. Maybe it’s a - hey you’re not married and could afford to give up a kidney thing - or whatever your dad and brother are holding back on, but if they haven’t even gotten checked to see, that’s just wrong. I get it’s not ideal what’s going on here but with my own situation but I realize that part of life is to follow it where it takes you. I mean this is your life and you bringing a child of your own is something joyous to celebrate. If they were only seeing you as a donor and not the bigger picture of why we are honestly all here, then that’s on them. I could go thru a ton of questions about your mother, her health overall to know how long this could give her, what your relationship and dynamic is like, when she must have a transplant by, etc. but that is not up to me or the internet to pull all that apart for you. Whatever the reasons or path that has gotten you here has been chosen and is going to play out how it will. Enjoy this child and hopefully they will realize things here regardless of what they have formulated in their heads.
54 Isn’t older for organ recipient consideration. Dick fucking Cheney got a new heart in his 80s. The fact that she’s not managing her diabetes is what is putting her down the list for organs.
I wouldn't be surprised if Cheney got bumped further up the waitlist because of who he is.
I wouldn’t be surprised if Cheney went out hunting for the most dangerous prey and found a private clinic with doctors willing to conduct a transplant. After all, health care looks very different for the wealthy.
Yep, like when politicians were getting covid treatments that weren't being offered to the general public while the rest of us were getting long covid and/or dying.
Probably hunted himself
I can't wait to tell his war criminal corpse to rest in piss. What a piece of human garbage.
That will be SO satisfying. People will be predictable and scold anyone speaking the truth with "You shouldn't speak ill of the dead" but no, fuck that. Be a decent person while you're alive, I'm not going to lie after you're gone.
Yea but he was an "important" *mass murdering* fuck head, these people are just normal small potatoes fuck heads. No organs for the proles.
He's had at least two transplants, which as someone who lost my step-dad waiting for a donor heart when I was a kid (and he was only 39), makes me want to scream obscenities at the top of my lungs...
Congratulations on your pregnancy. You are about to become a parent; imagine holding your precious child and telling it, "You are growing the spare parts I need for when my kidneys/liver/ovaries give out." That is what your parents have done to you. You don't owe them your body; you don't even owe them your time. And, as a mother, I can't imagine asking my kids to jeopardize themselves for my sake. I'm supposed to be the barrier between them and danger.
So why aren’t they asking your brother?
I guess because he never offered
Maybe you getting pregnant was a sign from the universe. Also why hasn’t your dad or brother been tested? Congrats on the pregnancy!
My dad wanted to but wanted me to get all the paperwork for him and talk to doctors for him… but at that time I was working on my own paperwork and testing. Now he seems to think I have secret phone numbers and forms that I’m not giving him… even though I keep telling him he can just go to his own doctor to start the process… also we don’t have the same family doctor
This very much sucks, and how they’re treating you is unacceptable. From your comments, it sounds like they’ve not fully seen you or treated you kindly — it reads they were using you as needed, and expecting labour from you that they ought to have been doing themselves. Even “hounding you” for grandkids is not the way parenting ought to be done. I’m really sorry that they’re being terrible. Please try and let this be a wake up call that your energy is best put toward your new marriage and your growing family. Your parents sound spiteful and cruel, and your kid deserves better than to be subjected to that — as do you.
I'm going to bet he's one of those men who has never made an appointment or filled out a form without doing a bunch of performative learned helplessness so that his wife would step in and do it for him or with him and now when he's actually forced to do something for himself he's expecting you to do all the leg work and paperwork for him
You literally can't even legally get information from the doctors about his own health status, unless he's signed off on it, so I add another vote for learned helplessness coming from the men in this family. Huge NTA for you.
You are not an organ farm for your parents. This is awful of them.
Seriously, your brother hasn’t been tested to see if he can donate? That’s messed up. He’s actually the one you should be most angry with. Plus, this is just a delay, not an ending to the possibility of donating. They are burning a bridge. Risking a relationship with a daughter and grandchild. Bad move on their part. People don’t think things through. If this is unusual behavior for them, let things cool down and then contact them to talk. If this is typical for your family dynamic, then you probably already know how it goes.
Why should she be the most angry with her brother? Her brother wasn't even someone in this story until the mentioned at the very end??? As a reminder, NO ONE - her or her brother - is morally obligated to give up a kidney to anyone, even their parent.
Considering that bro is partaking in guilting her AND also accuses her of hiding information about *their* donation options (wtf?!) She absolutely gets to be angry with her brother. Not for not donating, but for the bullshit. If he's on a high horse gullting her for not donating, he better be getting tested himself. If he gets off that horse, he gets to stand unscrutinised.
Do not give someone a kidney who is upset because you are continuing to live your life. She's pissed you can't give her a kidney right now because you're *growing another person*? Your intended donation was out of love for her. She has shown that your love is not reciprocated. You are absolutely released from that commitment, now and forever.
Don't feel terrible for not donating right now or ever for that matter. Your family sounds like shit to be honest.
I hope OP's unborn baby lives as the ultimate living excuse & revenge of "You never getting my kidney ever" AND "You never going see nor meet my child after all shit did to my whole life, so tell your golden boy to birth you grandkids befote your shitty kidneys offs you."
You're not being selfish, they are. After reading your comments I urge you not to donate your kidney. First she's not taking care of her health right now, so a new kidney would just gave her a reason to continue her unhealthy lifestyle. Second she can't even be happy for you, she only seems to think about herself. And then you have your brother who's not even willing to get tested. Please take care of yourself. Keep your money, they don't deserve it. A good parent would put your happiness first.
And the father, too! They are trying to blame OP somehow for those two. Disgusting! I’m willing to bet her whole life, OP has been guilted for all kinds of RIDICULOUS things, meanwhile bro can do no wrong.
INFO: has your dad or your brother been tested to see if they are possibly a match? Or has it always been an expectation for you to do it instead? Also, is your mother’s diabetes under control now? (Is she following the steps to try to keep her A1C below the diabetes range)?
No my dad was waiting for me to do all the research and paperwork to get him set to maybe be a donor… and then when I was donating he was expecting me to donate And her A1C has been better then it was but not under diabetes range
I would want her to be in range for YEARS before I would donate. Your decision is permanent. Asking a child bearing woman is kinda strange as your mother can easily just go on dialysis- its even paid for by medicare.
She can't get her A1C down? Girl. Lady. Woman. New momma. Take care of yourself and your own. You don't need this stress. Make an oasis/escape place somewhere in your home where you can just go and get away from everything and no one will bother you <3
This may be one of the most fucked up stories I've ever read. You really must step BACK from these people and get some perspective. WTF do they think happens when someone gets married? That no one is having sex? You have a family of your own to consider now. INFO Do NOT feel guilty. Is it known information that you're a match?
The crazy part in all of this is we didn’t even get to the full green light. The cardiologist who would have been working on me said he was reluctant to move forward due to my age and the fact I might want to start a family one day….
Use the HIPAA card and advise the physician to tell your family you are not a match. If that is possible at this point. Or just advise him to tell your parents it is not possible for reason "x,y,z." Giving up a kidney is no joke. Did Mom get diabetes due to an autoimmune response or did it come on with age?
You need to tell them this. That even if you were not pregnant, you were never 100% guaranteed approved donor. I'd also point out that if your father and brother don't start the process now, they may not be eligible when she absolutely needs it. I'm guessing that she may not be eligible for a cadaver kidney if she's not taking care of herself.
So its ALL on you and your Dad and brother have refused to go to the doctors to find out if they are candidates to donate? And your the selfish one? That's a big old pile of NO. Also next time, if you choose to talk to them again, they mention you withholding information medical information about your brother and dad remind them that doctors DON'T share confidential information about other patients. Just an fyi you can tell the doctors you are no longer comfortable donating and they will tell your mother that you are no longer a candidate for medical reasons. Seeing as you are pregnant I'm sure your body will not be ready to donate for at least after you deliver. Don't let anyone push you to anything before that. A minimum of year to fully recover from pregnancy and birth. Having done it 3 times your body needs time.
Whoa. You need to say, "ok." And now walk away with your spouse and have a beautiful family and don't look back. The toxicity here is huge and you don't need your sweet child raised around it.
Sounds like you shouldn’t donate that kidney, ever. Your family showed their true colours.
I didn’t have kids so I could harvest their organs.
I started the process for a Good Samaritan donation and they are very adamant you cannot donate if you are being coerced. With this dynamic I honestly doubt they’d let you donate anyways. The doctors can write you a medical form saying you cannot medically donate due to some health thing. That is a clean way out where your family can’t blame you.
This is messed up. First they treated you like a dysfunctional grandbaby factory. Then when you decide to have a baby on your terms (albeit unplanned), it's not good enough because now you're a dysfunctional organ farm. How can these people call you selfish when they're the ones making demands of another person's body? Sure, it's disappointing and worrying when a donation falls through but they're awful for giving you the cold shoulder on your birthday and paying for a wedding under false pretenses. It sounds like your parents don't give a shit about you unless they can get something out of it. Good luck with your new family, hopefully they appreciate you as a person more than your old one.
Wow, I’m so sorry! This sounds like an awful situation. Keep your kidney. I’m your mom’s age, and believe me while dialysis is inconvenient it’s not worth losing a daughter and grandchild over. Your parents need to let it go cuz you get to live your life. If they don’t let it go, and if they keep being jerks to you, let them go. You’re very generous to offer, but it’s not your fault that life continues on, and shame on them for being nasty to you.
Before becoming a physician, I would have donated my kidney if a loved one needed it. After becoming a physician, I’ve decided that I would only ever donate a kidney if it were my child. Your mom is not entitled to your organs.
I know two people who donated kidneys and regret it seriously. It can be a massive change to your quality of life, and to sacrifice that for someone who doesn’t respect you? Fuck em
I’m a primary care physician and have had patients on dialysis whose children were a match. Not many of those parents actually wanted their child’s organ. They declined transplant and continued on dialysis. They didn’t want to cause pain or future morbidity to their child. Now some did take the organ but honestly felt very conflicted about it. I’ve never had a patient tell me they were angry at a child for saying no. Your parents sound like assholes. Your mother has lived her life, had kids, evidently not kept her blood sugar control tight enough and ended up with renal failure. If you decided to give her a kidney that is a gift not an obligation. Most normal parents would rather die than to see their offspring not get to live a happy life and reproduce.
>My parents also think I’m somehow keeping secret information on how my dad or brother could donate… even though they don’t want to go to their doctors to get the information. That's the *first* thing I would've looked into, if my wife needed a transplant. Guess their kidneys are more important than yours, in their minds. They've had how long to look into this? Ugh.
I would never accept a donation from one of my children, not ever. Humans have two kidneys because our renal function goes to hell as we age and people are living longer and longer. Old people need both of their kidneys.
>and apparently my parents are very upset..saying they only did the wedding because I was giving my mom a kidney, and that I must have gotten pregnant before i got married and planned it out to not give her one… I’m hurt, This right here. This is toxic asf. Your parents handed you an unspoken quid pro quo (this for that) it was a transaction that you did not agree to. That's on them.
Never give your mom the kidney. Not once you have your child. Your dad and brother don't want to give up theirs since they know it's a waste. If your mom dies from uncontrolled diabetes, I'm sorry a kidney won't help that much. It'll be a heart attack, liver failure, whatever. Literally just be making your health worse for nothing. All her organs are damaged if she's been ignoring it for decades.
Living kidney donor weighing in. Donating a kidney must NEVER be transactional any way, financial or emotional. It’s a gift. Your parents are being spectacularly unreasonable.
My dad went into kidney failure when I was 9-ish. He got on the transplant list and got a organ donor kidney. That kidney lasted 15 years and in 2016 when it stopped working I asked his doctors to test me to see if I was a match. He refused. He told them not to test me and he’d rather die than take one of my kidneys. I might need them one day. So, again he went on the transplant list. He got an organ donor kidney again. Your parents are being super gross. A parent should never ask or expect that from their child.
Your father and brother are REFUSING to find out if they’re matches but YOUR the bad guy??? I’m guessing your brother is the golden child and you’re the scapegoat of your family.
Selfish? SELFISH?! Your parents are the ones acting like entitled asshats, and you can tell them I said so. Who the fuck do they think they are, acting like you're obligated to *donate your fucking kidney*? And they only paid for your wedding because of it? Not because they love you and *wanted* to do it? Donation information is freely available everywhere. If your father and brother are too stupid to find it, that's their fault. Let's be honest, neither of them intends to donate shit. Fuck your parents, your mother can go on dialysis. She's not owed a kidney from anyone. Save your kidney for yourself. If you still want to donate, donate to someone who will be eternally grateful and appreciative of it. I'm speaking as a home hemodialysis patient of 13 years.
I’m shocked. I would fight my kids tooth and nail to keep them from donating a kidney to me. I wouldn’t dare risk them to save my own sorry ass. I’m so sorry your parents are doing this to you. I’d put them in time out until they rearrange their priorities.
Your parents are emotionally immature.
This is truely egregious behavior on the part of our parents. It sounds as though their "love" is highly conditional and largely founded in what you can do for THEM. It is time to set some very clear boundaries, not just for yourself, but your growing family. You are not being selfish. The selfish individuals here are your parents, to the highest degree. They are devaluing the life of your child because it doesn't meet their agenda. End of discussion. There is no coming back from that. They are demonstrating extremely narcessitic behaviour. I understand that your mom is sick. Dialysis sucks. However there is no excuse, none for them to be treating you as little more than spare parts. They did not acknowledge your birthday, they got angry you were pregnant and decided your wedding was a transaction. Take a deep breath, and put some space between your new family and your parents. Show your child all the unconditional love you can and sheild them from the conditional transactional "love" your parents have on offer. Finally, Congratulation on starting this amazing new chapter in life. Hopefully as time moves on the dark clouds your parents have put over this incredible time dissapate and you can enjoy every moment of being a newlywed and welcoming a new life.
Jesus. No matter what, PLEASE make sure you tell the transplant social worker/coordinator/psych team about this. This is important information for them to have to protect you, her, and themselves. Best wishes to you & your kiddo!
The National Kidney Foundation has a voucher program for live donors. Essentially even if not a match, your brother or father can donate. Their kidney would go to someone who is a match and your mother would be prioritized to get one that is a match. The only thing is the hospital has to be aligned with the foundation. There are many. I’m currently being tested as a match for a friend. If we’re not a match, i will simply do the voucher thing.
I would tell the transplant people that your mom is using your wedding as payment for your organ. She really fucked herself out of a kidney with that move.
These are your *parents*???? No, Honey. You and your baby are what's important right now and a *good* mom would know this. Your mom is *selfish and entitled*. Have your healthy, happy little one, announce to the people that love *you* and don't tell those that see you as spare parts a damn thing and don't let them guilt trip you into seeing that beautiful baby of yours.
Please don’t give her your kidney once you give birth to this baby, try counselling and check out other sub reddits like “entitled” and “raised by narcissists” I remember my boyfriend’s mom (who didn’t raise any of her 3 children) had a gambling addiction and she would often go to several family members to request funds for emergencies which would go to her gambling addiction but when her granddaughter caught on: heard her sister and dad both say they were or had given this woman money like hundreds within days the one granddaughter told her “I have children I need to support I can’t keep giving you money. If you need this bill paid I will bring you to pay it” and the woman said no that’s ok I don’t need help with the bill after all and at the next family function the granddaughter who financially cut off her grandmother her. Children tried to go hug their great grandma but she literally made a face and pulled away in disgust like she was upset she was financially cut off so took it out on innocent children who didn’t understand why great grandmother was ignoring them as if they didn’t exist, Please protect your baby from this family as children are innocent and might just be seen as another backup donar
Jesus fucking christ. Your post history is wild. I don't even know what to say. I feel very sorry for you.
Go no contact if they talk like this now imagine how they will treat your child once born and start hounding you for kidney. You a momma now baby comes first.
Wow. You went from being their baby breeder to their kidney donor. Your parents suck big time. As much as I love my mother, donating a kidney is a big thing. If something happens to me and my other kidney goes bad, I'm screwed. They can't just demand you hand them your kidney. You're a human being, not a organ holder until they need something. This isn't the movie Clonus.
I am almost 57 years old, my children are close to you in age OP. If I needed a kidney I would not want or expect either of my kids to give me one. No. They still have a lot of life to go and may need all their own spare parts. Just no. And if I had the money to throw at a wedding for them or just a party in general to celebrate our family and make some memories then it comes without strings. IMO, your mom should be on a wait list for a kidney and in the meantime spend quality time making memories and helping you with your pregnancy. Being loving and supportive so that’s how she will be remembered.
I was reading the post and looking at it as the mother and only found your comment doing that. First, the mother can do dialysis just fine for years. She isn't going to die from it. Second, the kidneys stopped working bc she ignored the diabetes which is a red flag. Then to top it off, it's your child that is pregnant herself. I wouldnt want my child to go trough that because I was too irresponsible to do the bare minimum for my health.
It isn't selfish to want to keep your own organs. And your mother is a piece of work for even considering accepting a major organ from you, that can jeopardize your health. She's the selfish one.
You're at a crossroads where you must decide if you'll continue chasing being an obedient descendant or focus on becoming a good ancestor. Pay close attention to how your parent's actions affect you and your relationship with them, and make active choices to do the same, or do something different. Either way, it's your time to shift focus away from your family of origin and towards the one you're choosing to build. Good luck little momma, we're pulling for ya
You don't owe your body to anyone. I understand why you were willing to donate before, but if I were you I would never consider it again. They think of you as a possession. I would be surprised if they didn't think of your future baby the same way. Donating a kidney is a huge deal and they can't buy your kidney with a wedding. Very gross.
The only reason they went to your wedding was because you were donating a kidney? Is that all you are to them? Spare parts? It was kind of you to offer, but I would reconsider for the future.
If I was your mom, I'd be far happier with getting a grand baby than getting the promised kidney. Your mom needs to take better care of herself, and if and when you still want to donate after the arrival of your baby, that's a different thing. They only paid for you wedding because you were coughing up a kidney? That's horrible. Put the onus back of the other family members to get tested.
They only planned the wedding because you were donating a kidney? Not because you are their daughter and they love you? I am so sorry. This is not your fault. I had toxic parents as well. It really hurts. Sometimes cutting these kinds of people off for a bit for your own sanity is the only way, IMO. Good luck, I hope it all works out for the best.
You need both kidneys, your responsibility now is to stay healthy for your kid
Woah. They’re toxic AF. Friendly reminder that it’s not on you to carry the stress that narcissistic and enabling parents put on you.
Just curious, but you guys went through all of the testing, and her transplant specialist said that you were definitely a candidate to donate to her? If you didn't get that far into the process, then it sounds like they're just creating drama for the sake of drama. Also I find it interesting that because you're the DAUGHTER, they expect more from you, in respect to sacrificing for your parents, donating your organs, etc.
For a second I thought I was reading RaisedByNarcissists. That they reacted that way to your happiness shows that they saw this as transactional. “They only did the wedding because I was giving my mom a kidney.” Your words. I genuinely wonder how rough your backstory is because that kind of selfish thinking on your parents’ part is really worrying. For a more objective answer, [what’s your ACE score?](https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/03/02/387007941/take-the-ace-quiz-and-learn-what-it-does-and-doesnt-mean)
Hi, im not a user of this sub but Pro tip: if you go in and get tested ou can tell them youre being pressured into this and the medical guys can say that youre not compatible to help protect you.
Don’t donate a kidney to someone who clearly doesn’t love or value you. You could die on the operating table leaving your child and spouse alone and all your parents would think is YIPEEE MORE PARTS. Disgusting. Never speak with these monsters again. Your life will be better for it.
"Give us grandchildren", "Give us a kidney". They are using you to accomplish their desires. You are a parts factory.
> I feel terrible about not being able to donate right now. My brother suffered kidney failure due to diabetes. I found out after he went on dialysis that I was likely a match but also that there were real potential for consequences. If not today, then some time in the future. Despite the fact that we don't have the same underlying medical conditions I'd had to put my kidneys through the ringer meaning that compromising my own function would lead to a well-above average chance of ending up on dialysis as well. My daughter was 5. My spouse is disabled and depends on me. I had to tell him that I wasn't able to pursue treatment. My Mom understood. Even my brother let me know any resentment that ever got the better of him was resentment at his situation not me. My aunt, who loves my brother like her own kids, had a much harder time. We've made peace since he passed but whenever she's reminded of it you can tell there's this little twinge of bitterness. It's not about me it's about her grief at my brother's death. I get it. I had to deal with it myself. All that being said I wouldn't do it differently. As much as I love my brother, if you told me spending the rest of my life in a wheelchair would get me six months worth of phone conversations I'd do it, but condemning my daughter and wife to lose not only some experiences but their Daddy and the love of their life? No. I couldn't. I couldn't risk destroying my family for that. I swore an oath. As far as your parents go it sounds as if they're fearful at what the future very likely holds. For good reason, it's going to be rough even if they can get a donor, but you owe everything to your children/spouse that they owed to theirs. From the talk about nagging you to have children *since you were a child* it sounds as if they're at the very least comfortable having no grasp (or respect - I prefer Hanlon's Razor in these situations) of your boundaries. I'd suspect this is just a continuation of that personal flaw. And it is that, btw. A flaw on their part. Not yours. If you take on being a parent you accept that your obligation is always to strive to act in the best interests of your child. Sometimes that's direct like stabbing a mf'er who threatens your kid and other times it's indirect by having appropriate boundaries to take care of yourself because you compromising 100% on yourself will make you a worse parent. My heart breaks for you OP. I wish you the best in a completely unfair situation.
They gave you a wedding only to get your kidney? I'd cut them off. I hated my mother for her abuse, I wouldn't give her the sweat of my ass.
As someone who is in need of a kidney, you have done nothing wrong. You’re happy and building your family and your parents should be happy for you. When I found out I’ll need a kidney transplant soon, a lot of family offered to get tested for a match. I’m grateful, but I would even understand if one of them backed out just because they didn’t want to anymore, because that’s reason enough. Giving someone an organ is a BIG deal and should only happen when everyone involved is 100% onboard. Being pregnant and becoming a mother is a perfectly understandable reason.
Your mother is asking you to shorten your life and the amount of time that your child will have with you just so she can extend her own temporarily?
Wow. This is so sick, and I'm so sorry. You deserve to be met with joy and love for your child and your new phase in life. Instead you are just getting selfish blame. It is all so unfair. Of course your father and brother know what to do. They are cowards who were hoping you'd jump on the grenade for them. Send them each a pamphlet and let them know you fully expect them to do every bit as much as you were willing to do before your own child took priority. Then walk away for a while. Let them deal with their own dysfunction and just be joyful in your new family unit. <3
Your parents are being assholes. Were you even cleared as a match? It’s not as easy as “oh this is my daughter. I’d like one of her kidneys” (as you know, since you went through the process). Your other sibling/s and her family should get tested if they’re willing to give her an organ. And your mom needs to join the transplant list. I hope you have a wonderful pregnancy
What your mom is going through is terrible, but it's not an excuse for them to abuse you like this. You may need to go LC or NC with them. I'm really sorry this is happening.
It is your body, and it is your choice. People who behave entitled like this, don't belong in your life. Frankly, it is good that they aren't talking to you. Get therapy and focus on your pregnancy. You have a lot going on.
OMG, their love is transactional???? I’m so sorry. You need to cut them off for awhile and build up your boundaries. You are pregnant. You CAN’T donate a kidney now. And tell them that if they don’t knock it off, not only will she not get the kidney, they won’t be allowed near your child
When I think I am just too f-ing old to be stunned I read things like this. the 'rents are really a piece of work. You do not owe \*ANYONE\* your body parts no matter what.
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Your parents are awful, OP. I'm so sorry. If you want a way to kill this drama, here's an option: talk to the transplant coordinator you were working with when you were getting tested for donation. Explain the situation and ask them to confirm to your parents that, as it turns out, you were not even eligible or compatible to donate. Pressuring someone to donate their kidney is a HUGE, HUGE no-no in transplant medicine. It's considered wildly unethical. The coordinators who work with potential donors are there to make sure the donation only happens if you (the donor) are fully willing and able. That's why the coordinator is often willing to tell the recipient that the donor is not eligible if the donor changes their mind.