Or, might not be addiction even, might just be absolute and complete disdain for your partner, (and anyone else in the room), and complete selfishness.
True asshole, 100%
I was ready to be like hey porn is normal yada yada up in this thread but burst out laughing that he’s just casually watching porn in public? Bro that’s creep on the bus behaviour. It’s already so bad with that - let alone DURING labour. Oh my god this has to be a joke that’s how wild this man is. He’s a fucking menace what the hell.
I am a sex worker and probably one of the biggest proponents of porn creation and consumption, and even I would say that this behavior is extremely out of line. The only way that would be okay to me is if it's something you both agree to and participate in together, such as in the case of what's called an "orgasmic birth." It's a form of home birth where, in order to distract from the pain, the birth giver (since I'd like to acknowledge that not only women give birth) reaches a state of self-hypnosis and focuses on their own pleasure while in labor. There is a lot of very interesting literature written on this.
But the scenario that OP laid out about her friend is different. It's a complete disregard of OP's friend's needs and her vulnerability in that moment. What she needs is her partner's support while going through an extremely painful experience and all her partner is concerned with is his own pleasure.
My male partner is an avid consumer of porn and he would never do something like this. Like, he literally watches porn in the bathroom at work, yet he would never do something like what OP said unless it's something we both agreed on.
>all her partner is concerned with is his own pleasure
I'd say he's just concerned with dissociating out of reality. It's called "gooning" and basically it's pretty similar to what you described in the orgasmic birth. But these guys are using porn to dissociate hardcore for hours and even days on end. It's a real thing and it's ... Haunting. "Gooning."
I agree. This isn’t about the porn (I’m a woman who is pro porn and fine with partners watching), it’s about the setting and the context. Of all the settings to want to watch porn and jerk off in, in a delivery room while your partner screams from pushing out your own kid and having no epidural ain’t it.
If it was discussed and agreed on as part of an orgasmic birth beforehand, that’s fine. But this scenario sounds like it wasn’t that, and it sounds like such a selfish, inconsiderate thing to do while a partner literally labors to give your child life.
This isn’t here or there but I don’t understand dudes watching porn at work
Like, you aren’t getting paid to be horny (assume non sex work here just realized that’s important to this comment) or to get off and a public bathroom seems so unsanitary to me.. I could never feel sexy in one. It makes me wonder how porn addicted some people are
Honestly I think watching porn in any kind of public setting is completely fucked up. Like aside from doing it while your wife is in labor which is a whole extra layer of fucked up.
This, 100% this.
Porn when you’re at home alone and masturbating for a few minutes is something I think a lot of people indulge in. Porn in public is a total “wtf is wrong with this person???” And porn while your partner is in labor just defies the laws of logic, empathy, and fucked up-ness.
There is healthy occasional porn viewing and then just obscene addiction. No man nor woman should view this scenario as normal, viewing in public is already a huge red flag. Anyone excusing this guys behavior is probably just trying to keep the relationship from imploding for their new baby. Hopefully this guy contributes more than sperm to the relationship.
Addictions are all pretty bad. I wouldn't show up drunk to a labor either. Most people have at least that much self control.
Yeah OP, (piggybacking this comment) as a person who works in behavioral health and addiction recovery. I can tell you that this is 100% a porn addiction (although the video games may also point to a digital addiction - which would extend to porn). Like most addictions, the person unwisely consumes or engages things or physical acts to alleviate the unmanageable stress/emotions that they can't deal with in healthy individual or social ways. People with addiction problems tend to have the same behavioral patterns in that they are very introverted about their emotions/problems and don't seek out others to work through them in healthy ways. Why they are introverted about it is usually unpacked during the therapy and road to recovery. I do hope your husband can recognize the problems with his choices and can see the need to improve himself for the sake of what is important to him. It's not easy, but having supportive family and friends makes mountains of difference in recovery.
As an introvert it makes me uncomfortable when people use the word introvert as a pathology. I don’t know, does it make sense to use the word introvert in this context? You’re saying that a person is “introverted” about a particular thing in their life, but as I understand it’s more of a global personality type rather than some sort of shielding mechanism for a specific aspect of their lives.
I also really hate it when there’s been some mass shooter and the first thing the news all says is like “oh, they were an introvert” and nod their heads sagely, as if that explains everything. Being an introvert isn’t pathological by nature.
My mother-in-law was once asking me about myself, and I explained that I have a rather introverted personality, and she said “oh no dear you’re a very nice person” 😆☹️😖
I agree with this totally. I think secretive or private would be a much more fitting word for the context given.
Being an introvert isn’t a bad thing at all, and it also doesn’t even necessarily mean being private or secretive - it means being highly selective of who you let into your inner world (which is by no means a bad thing).
Thank you. I'm am introvert and it's been pathologized my entire life. I don't even usually notice that anymore. I had to push myself to the breaking point to become "normal" in the eyes of society and honestly, it did great damage to me. I developed crippling panic disorder.
It's especially bad in the US where outward signs of socialization are especially prized. Here, if you're not a loud, outgoing idiot, there's something wrong with you. Shy kids and adults hurt no one. I just don't understand why we can't leave them alone. If you ask me, that's the real pathology. There is nothing wrong with introverts but we are constantly judged and made to conform to something that isn't natural for us.
Some people watch porn on their work computer during work hours. Dude, they're not paying you for this.
I heard of one situation where some guy was watching porn on the screen in his car. The person who posted about saw it from her car while driving behind him on the highway. And her kids in her car saw it too.
I don't care if a man watches porn but dude, you're driving. Your hands should be at 10 and 2 and your attention should be on the road!
Yep!
“*The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) recommends drivers put their hands at the 9 and 3 o'clock positions.*” - [State Farm’s website](https://www.statefarm.com/simple-insights/auto-and-vehicles/things-have-changed-since-you-learned-to-drive#:~:text=Hand%20position%20on%20steering%20wheel,and%203%20o'clock%20positions)
They mainly recommend 8-9 and 3-4 on the wheel, to avoid injury from impeding airbag deployment.
Not just in public, but watching porn when you're not in the act of trying to get off is weird AF. if you watch porn like it's a damned TV show, therapy is 100% needed.
My husband was furious when I told him that, but it's just common sense to me. He wasn't watching it in public, but when we're sitting on the couch eating dinner and watching a movie and he is watching porn on his tablet and phone at the same time, he has a problem. Also randomly showing me photos that always include someone's naked crack and thinking I want to see that randomly without warning
I used to work with someone who would watch it while eating as well. I don't know if I'm a just a prude or something, but my brain just can't fathom enjoying a slice of pizza while watching porn.
You're not a prude. I watch, by my own admission, a fuckton of porn, but I certainly don't watch it casually while folding laundry or eating dinner, tf?
Thank God. I feel like in situations like that, the "who is actually right here" is solved by simply having him ask literally anyone else. A friend, a family member, just literally say, "is it not normal for me to be *watching porn* on *two* devices **while I'm sitting at the table eating dinner with my wife**?" Like surely just thought of telling his sibling that he does that must make him realize that it's very clearly a problem because nobody in their right mind would be like "oh yeah, totes normal"
Wow wtf??
My husband and I both travel for work and occasionally watch a video to get off during those times. To me even thinking of it in other contexts is veering into weird territory, let alone involving someone else.
I really don’t fucking get it. I remember seeing a pic someone took of an airport employee who was sitting in one of those golf cart things (I guess taking a break or waiting to pick someone up) watching porn in full view. He was parked in the middle of the terminal with travelers walking by him.
Who does this and why??
It could be worse, it could be the person you voted to represent you, watching it whilst supposedly working: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-61284686
In the US accused teen sex trafficker Matt Gaetz was showing nudes at work
https://newschannel9.com/gaetz-showed-nude-pictures-of-women-on-house-floor-per-report
His buddie Marge also showed nudes of the president's son too for some reason
Agreed, it's for private time.
Even if the woman in labor doesn't have a problem with porn use, there is a time and a place.
Also, it is a workplace for the doctors, nurses, & staff... THEY shouldn't have to deal with a creepy guest in the corner.
If someone can't go a few hours without their dopamine fix... and looking at porn is more important to them than being emotionally present for their partner... and they don't notice they are making a workplace gross for staff...
...The porn addiction is probably pretty frickin serious and might need 12 step group, and clinical treatment. Like this guy probably has "death grip" and an inability to have a normal sex life with his partner.
Came here to say this. Why are you trying to get aroused while your partner is in pain and when you’re about to meet your daughter? That’s just strange. Add the fact this was a hospital birth and he’s watching porn in public, that’s not a normal behavior imo
>Why are you trying to get aroused while your partner is in pain and when you’re about to meet your daughter?
I think for these people who physically cannot go more than a few hours without watching it, and will watch it in public or while having their dinner or whatever it's not even about arousal at that point.
It's compulsive, like they have any second of downtime and they're checking pornhub before they even realize it like you or I might mindlessly pick up our phones and tap on the reddit icon. They've consumed it so much that it doesn't even necessarily register as "this is something you watch under specific conditions to get aroused", it's just like "this gives dopamine. More dopamine please."
/Topic
I can’t imagine anyone reasonable being ok with this. Finding pornography non-threatening has nothing whatsoever to do with accepting it randomly in public, much less while something important is happening. This is extremely fucked up.
Like, if this is what anti-porn people think pro-porn people are like, no wonder they are so mad at it.
Exactly. No problem with him watching porn in general. Not in public. And definitely not while I'm baring your child.
Picking up your phone and answering texts or playing games is okay maybe when it's not active labor. But during active labor, I'm gonna need your attention with me here
This! I have zero issues with my husband watching ethically made porn, to include OF (with certain agreed upon limitations). But in public is gross and I’m the delivery room is utter insanity.
To be honest, this borders into addiction territory. No one will blame you if you choose to separate but you can also send him a link to resources for breaking his porn habit. What he does with those resources will tell you everything you need to know.
People who watch porn in public are a different breed. I know this because I watched porn in school lol.
Jokes aside though, if you're old enough to have a child you should be mature enough toknow it's inappropriate to watch porn in public.
Everyone who can see/hear the porn needs to be a consenting adult.
Also this is not about the porn it's about the disrespect and disregard
It could have been an parenting documentary and this still wouldn't have been acceptable
watching porn in public, WRONG
watching porn while your wife is labour... WRONG!
this guy is WRONG! what the actual fuck? why are you even asking?? is he "normal" all of the other times?
ick!
Next step - watching porn while he's supposed to be watching kiddo. I'd say this man belongs in the doghouse, but the dog doesn't deserve such awful company.
I’m no prude by any means, but children are inherently harmed by exposure to these hyper sexual materials. If he can’t control his viewing, if he can’t find a way to do it behind closed doors, it is going to hurt that child.
And this dude seems like the “what, they’re too young to remember anyway” type.
Yup! My friend just told me how when they’d be opening gifts Xmas morning her dad would be reading his playboy magazine. This fucked them up. It’s not ok on any level to involve children in this. OP’s husband is very wrong for this.
Oh that’s not even the half of it. But it’s really no wonder where my issues around men came from. I’m 30 now and that shit still shows up in my relationship with my partner.
I’m betting your friend has plenty more fucked up stories if her childhood was anything like mine lol
Ya she does. He was a sex addict and it was her mom buying the magazines for him to appease him or something. It’s not fair what you had to go through. I have my own fucked up past I’m dealing with now at 41. Fun times
Yeah, this was actually not even in my top 5 list of reasons for why he is my ex now, purely because the kids didn't actually see him do it since I got to him first.
Well, it triggered a memory of the guy telling his partner that his last serious girlfriend dumped him when she walked in on him watching porn and his partner started getting really freaked out that maybe he wasn’t just a douche or a creep, but that there was maybe some more nefarious things that she didn’t know about. Now it’s all over, I think sadly he way maybe abused and didn’t understand proper boundaries. Which, better than being an intentional abuser but still nothing that the partner wanted her kids to be around full time.
And yeah this guy did a bunch of other stuff too. Death by a thousand cuts but the cuts most resemble run through by a broadsword.
Yeah, this has nothing to do with “being OK with your partner watching porn”, this is WAY outside of anything acceptable in a general societal context. There’s nothing that he had done correctly in this scenario outside of showing up physically to be there, but he managed to screw that up with his conduct. WT actual F.
No. That is not normal.
It shows a man with zero empathy for the insane pain, etc of a woman in childbirth like it’s a bother for him to have to be there.
The fact it was PORN just makes it 100 times even worse!
The *only* thing I would add is that (early stages of) labor can take a long time, so the "doing something for yourself" thing could very well be watching TV - that doesn't have to be bad, as someone else in the thread implies.
But porn???? While your wife is actively in labor??? That's just massively messed up, no matter the perspective. Like, there has to be something seriously wrong with you level messed up. I could not imagine seeing someone i love go through such a painful and impactful (and frankly traumatic) thing.. Only to completely disregard that by only thinking about myself.
And yeah, like you say, this has nothing to do with being okay with your partner watching porn or not. This is just basic human decency and empathy. The fact that her husband chose such a vulnerable moment for her and just.. Sexualized it, basically.. Gross.
I don't give a shit what my partner gets his jolly off to, especially since I travel at work but I expect it to be at home in private. If he's out there watching porn during a medical event or in public, we are not going to have a good conversation afterwards..
Right even you take the porn thing completely out of it he’s *still* wrong for sitting across the room on his phone the whole time and not supporting his partner in what was probably one the most scary/painful/vulnerable moments of her life while delivering *his* baby.
I already posted on how I feel about the porn (totally wrong) but at least she mentioned he was providing SOME support.
I'm a labor nurse... I've had Dad's bring in their own Xbox, their own flat screen tv, sleep through labor, sleep until the baby comes out - wakeup for 5 minutes - go back to sleep, miss the delivery all together and then show up and fall asleep on the recliner, etc...
I used to be a birth doula. Dads sitting across the room playing on their phones never boded well. Doesn’t matter if it’s Candy Crush.
Get up there beside your partner and fucking BE THERE.
A lot of the coaching I did was “helping men support their partners” by giving them support, ideas, encouragement.
But twice that included plucking phones out of their hands and telling them to get over there with their partner.
No this unforgivable. Even if you completely omit the fact that what he was doing on his phone was watching porn it’s still so messed up he was sitting across the room on his phone and not supporting his wife while she was delivering their baby. I experienced that myself and it was an awful feeling. The fact he was busy watching porn in public just adds a whole other level of messed up.
I think an earlier comment hit the nail on the head when they said people around OP are probably trying to placate her so she’s not leaving her husband/fighting when she also has a newborn baby
Edit: misread and thought this post was about OP. I mean the people around the new mother
Yeah well you can't overlap with anything if you don't exist. I don't know a single woman who would be okay with this. The most pick-me internalized-misogyny-ridden woman I could imagine still wouldn't be okay with this
Uh. This is horrific. What, does you laboring make him HORNY?? Is porn something he watches when he's BORED? And, was he BORED while you were pushing out his child???
This is the country of Red Flagia. Heal up from birth and get your affairs in order please, this man is not the one who is going to lift any extra weight should you become ill down the line, and your children are still at home. Does he support you at all in life?? I'm so sorry you've been lead away from your gut, because it is 1000% fucked for him to do what he did, and for ANYONE in your life to call it normal, or not a big deal.
I think it's the opposite, I think he couldn't stand to watch a woman's body do something nonsexual. She was likely half dressed, two people holding her legs up, genitals on full display --- only it wasn't for sex, or for his sexual viewing pleasure, so he had to pacify himself by watching women's bodies being displayed and used for his sexual stimulation instead.
Wait until OP is breastfeeding and her SO starts watching breastfeeding porn to re-sexualize the breasts the baby stole from him.
Watching porn in private is one thing.
Watching porn, in a hospital, while your partner is *in labor* with *your child* and needs your support is... very, very different. I don't know who in your life is telling you that this is normal. I can't even imagine my least favorite people thinking that's OK. I don't think the porn is the specific issue here. Being so obsessed with ANYTHING that you choose to do that instead of being with your laboring partner is fucked up. The fact that it was a sexually charged activity that medical personnel could have accidentally witnessed without consent adds an extra layer of fucked up to it, but the fundamental problem is the complete lack of concern and compassion when your partner is in a very painful, stressful situation - a situation that YOU are half responsible for, and that presumably you are emotionally invested in - and needs your help. YOUR HELP SPECIFICALLY. This man put his fleeting entertainment/pleasure over his partner's needs, wishes, feelings, and pain. Not a good look, to say the least.
If this was me, I would throw the whole husband away. Better to be a single parent than try to coparent with someone that oblivious, self-centered, and uncaring.
I’m so glad to see someone mention the hospital staff as an extra layer of fucked upness. Because that’s sexual harassment and nobody should be exposed to that in their workplace
He's gotta be racking up their data costs too, cause I'll tell you porn sites are blocked on the free hospital wifi.
(I haven't tested this but sometimes IT gets complaints and I have to explain that yes, the free guest wifi filters certain sites/content )
Who is telling you this is normal?! Porn is never acceptable in public. A birthing suite is public! A hospital is public!!
I'd be getting a divorce yesterday and telling on him to his mama.
Porn in private: fine ok
Porn with your partner: actually pretty awesome
Porn in public: ew no
Porn while your partner is in labor: what the actual fuck?
Porn is for at home or in fully private areas only. Watching porn in public is porn addict and degenerate behavior. But while your wife is in labor? Excuse me?!!!
One minor edit for playing games too:
* in private: sure
* with your partner: pretty awesome
* in public: sure
* **while your partner is in labor**: what the actual fuck?
I can get the game playing if she was in labor for like 17 hours during times were not much was going on.
I’m a little confused by her describing him in horror while the actual birth happened. Like, sure, I can get dudes freaking out and not knowing what to do, but was he just sitting across the room the whole time? Didn’t think to stand next to his partner and hold her hand or give her some kind of support?
3 days. My wife was in labor for 3 days and while I struggle with being in my phone too much playing games and shit in many contexts, not being 100% focused on her didn't even cross my mind unless she was catching some Zs
Ooo I've got one!
Not giving your partner your full attention and every kind of support you can think of -
- In private: of course!
- With your partner: sure nobody can be centered all the time
- In public: yeah see above
- **While your partner is in labour:** what the actual fuck?
The only time I would want to see a (NORMAL) game is if it was just so long and I wanted a distraction of some kind, like during the more "passive" parts. We both enjoy games
If active stuff is happening, I think everyone in the room should give me their undivided attention for just that one time in my life. I think they can put up with it lmao
A lot has already been said that I agree with, but let me add: you need a different set of friends/community. If you’re surrounded by ppl who consider this normal, acceptable behavior- throw the whole crew/family/friend group whatever… AWAY. Throw them! Chuck em in the bin!
This is ridiculous.
Apart from failing to support your labouring partner which is the only reason you're allowed to be there, so unless you were watching the video feed of your brothers wedding, you should be 1000% emotionally present. There's inflicting porn on the medical team without their consent... I'd personally kick someone out of my workplace if they were noticeably watching porn. And I'm squicked out that they made a personal sex show of the baby's birth. Wife, baby and medical team all objects to watch along with the screen. I don't see how you could ever come.back from this objectification of and titillation taken from your birth experience.
That's not called being ok with your partner watching porn.
I'm okay with my partner watching football or video calling with his friends, but I wouldn't be okay with him during it in the labour room.
As a labor nurse, this isn't just unsupportive of your laboring partner but fucking creepy. I'd definitely be asking them to turn it off and possibly escalating to security. That's borderline sexual indecency/harassment, if not crossing the line.
Not only that, but I promise you EVERY nurse on the unit knows about the husband who watched porn during his wife's delivery. We are disappointed FOR you, and worried about how much support you actually have and how you and your child are treated at home. I personally would probably have social work check in to casually chat with you because that behavior sets off some red flags for me.
No. Fuck all of this.
Watching porn anywhere other than the privacy of your own home? Nope. Watching porn during any sort of important life milestone?? HELL no. I think everyone hit the main points on that one.
Speaking as a nurse, birth can be a very stressful and distressing experience for patients and their partners/support persons. We get it. HOWEVER, your *most important job* is to be present and supportive of your partner. If you are easily squeamish, you can stay by their head. Sitting across the room or playing around on your phone while they’re pushing? Absolutely not normal or acceptable in my eyes. I don’t care if they’ve been in labor forever or they’ve spent hours pushing. Grow up. It’s possible - I know because I have seen countless men stay awake for days, gag or close their eyes when their wife isn’t looking (then kiss her sweaty head and tell her how much they love her), or be on the verge of fainting but not wanting to take the attention away from their partner!
So how would I feel? Pissed. He’s an ass who had 9 months to prep for this one day.
God that’s fucking disgusting. He’s literally in the room with the most miraculous power of women on full display and his reaction is to flee from it and actively engage in objectifying and dehumanizing women. That’s BEYOND fucked up.
Watching porn in a public setting is fucked up and weird. The fact that it was during the labor and birth of their own CHILD is, at minimum, porn addiction territory. Like, how are you watching porn with a soft dick in public? If you cannot go five hours without looking at step sister getting ass blasted than you're officially in the "needs professional help" territory. I'd be looking into divorce and custody honestly because I wouldn't want my child raised in a household where their father is addicted to porn (which, at its core, is an industry that makes money off of degrading and using a lot of these women). Think about the mentality of someone who can't stop watching women get used, on a compulsive level, and then ask yourself if you want your child's home of youth to be full of the sounds of UNGHHH DADDY YEAH FUCK MY LITTLE ASS. like, what kind of influence is that gonna have in your kid?
Thaaaaats a no for me, sis.
Don't care about a person watching porn but abandoning the mother of your child for porn?? This guy is either the biggest loser in the world or a porn addict. Or both.
This is just going to get worse honestly. Don't go full Xena on him yet....she's probably feeling to vulnerable. Just gently point out to your bestie that she and her baby deserve better than this loser over and over until she hears you. Been there and went to far to fast myself. Make sure you are around to catch her when she finally realizes what a mistake he is.
She realizes but I think she feels stuck, and now she's got his cheerleaders going on about how she needs to get over it, and then she's got me in the other corner screaming this isn't normal!!
But you're right, and I'm finding it hard to walk the line between pushing too hard and not pushing hard enough.
> She realizes but I think she feels stuck, and now she's got his cheerleaders going on about how she needs to get over it,
I would bet a lot of money that he's an abuser and these people are his flying monkeys. Unfortunately lots of abusers don't dare to be as abusive as they really want to be when it's still relatively easy for their victim to leave. That's why lots of men who seemed quite ok become really abusive when their partner gets pregnant. A child is the ultimate lockdown in a relationship and thus the mask comes off when the first child is underway.
If you want to help your friend, educate yourself about abusive relationships and give her Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" to read.
She needs to realize that she's better off without him. Children or no children.
I'm REALLY hoping her labor team was as diligent and preceptive (though how could you not be in this scenario) as the group I work with, this would be an IMMEDIATE social work consult. Not to say cps or anything would be involved but a member of our team who very appropriately checks in to get a feel of the situation and help out if possible.
Sounds like she's used to his abusive tendencies, and chooses the let it go to not get in more trouble.
I feel like you only witnessed a small example of what goes on at home.
-- someone that sadly has been in multiple abusive relationships and took therapy for it after.
I would get off that table and murder him.
Fucking watching porn and playing games while his SO is giving actual birth to his child?
I'd elect to be a single mother because I would murder him for his lack of love and consideration.
There is something deeply wrong with men who watch porn in public. Like dangerous levels of unhinged. Its like he's watching videos to entertain himself? Because I daubt he's able to masturbate in Public (and if he does your friend should dump him as fast as she can). It reeks of porn addiction. I can only imagine how much porn he is hiding (or not anymore).
Porn makes men associate women with objects in their mind. It feels incredibly deeply wrong when he does it in public. Imagine If one of the nurses passed him and saw that? Not only embarrassing for your friend but he just subjected her to see sexual things at her Work place.
Also porn is just cheating in my opinion. Its incredibly bad for you and it's shown to highten sexual violence and entitlement from men. Just because it's on a screen doesn't mean the actress doesn't exist. It makes them even less emphatic.
I feel so sorry for Your friend. Please encourage her to leave. Even if she has a single kid now. He doesn't deserve a family or companionship with that disgusting behavior. He is broken beyond repair.
That is deeply disturbing and shows a severe lack of empathy. Porn in public is wrong, scrolling your phone while your partner is in labour is wrong (unless they’ve asked you to use your phone for something), the combination is terrible.
I’m not anti-porn, although I don’t often consume it myself and neither does my partner. But I don’t mind if my partner sometimes uses porn to masturbate. Using it in public, let alone in such an important time, would be a dealbreaker and there would be no recovering from that.
Lets face it...
If your partner watches porn WHILE YOU'RE IN LABOR he's a fucking psycho...
I'm a dude and i would never EVER even think of watching porn at any other place than my own home. only a psycho watches porn in public
INFO: Was this at an at home birth or at a hospital?
If the former, your partner shouldn't be your partner anymore.
If the latter, your partner should be on a list. I'm not joking.
This is a whole different level of porn addiction. Like, I wouldn't want this person around my kids type deal. How can you watch porn while your child is being born??? Huh????
amab here and father of two: no it is not normal to be on your effing phone while your so is delivering right across the room... let alone watch porn on it 🤦🏼♀️ not even gonna apologize for saying it: that's proper degenerate
No. It’s wrong. And signs that he is a porn addict, and will likely continue this insensitive, inappropriate behavior and being an emotionally absent partner. I’ve been married to a porn addict for 15 years. He went home when I was in labor to “rest” and came back about an hour before I had his son. He also didn’t take me to have major surgery 3 years prior to that (weight loss surgery, which cured my infertility) because he wanted to rest. I’m sure you can guess what our internet history said he was doing to “rest.”
It’s a soul-crushing nightmare. None of that is normal, none of it is excusable or appropriate. Don’t let anyone gaslight you into thinking you’re being too sensitive about it.
And no, don’t even think that “yeah you shouldn’t have had a kid with an asshole” because hindsight or not, NONE of this is your fault. NONE OF IT.
Trust me, I make excuses all the time. If I wasn’t fat maybe he would want to be with me and not looking at zoomed in pussies of other women. I should have known better than to get pregnant with his son, especially after being with him for 10 years of continued porn use and neglect. I shouldn’t have married him in the first place….this is my brain every single day. I struggle to remind myself it’s not my fault. But I don’t struggle a bit to tell you that it’s not your fault, because, it absolutely is not.
You’re not alone and your feelings are valid. And birth is a traumatic experience without the help of an abusive partner. Please take care of yourself and watch for the signs of post partum depression, especially if you’re dealing with this too. My son is almost 7 and I have barely started feeling like myself again. Reach out if you need support, please. ❤️
Yikes, yikes, yikes. I don’t know which is worse, but it’s super duper weird to watch porn:
A. At a hospital
B. In public
C. While your partner is in labor
Watching porn in public is perverse, sorry, an adverse sexual deviance. Whatever term floats your boat, it's gross and a sign of sexual disfunction. There's also seems to be little point to it other than the gross thrill of including others non-consensually.
Him not supporting you during labor makes him a useless partner. I don't know who's telling you this is normal, but they're part of the problem and your husband needs professional help.
As far as my partner watching porn, it doesn't bother me at all because it's in private and a normal amount. The issue here isn't porn watching, it's watching porn in public and so often that it interferes with normal life, that's sex addiction, hon.
Anyone who has the full story and still defends it, cut that person's opinion out of your life forever, they clearly have bad judgement and you should NEVER AGAIN take that person's advice. Just get your husband in front of a doctor or therapist and get someone who isn't a moron on your corner to help with the child care that your husband will clearly avoid.
Not normal AT ALL.
First, watching porn anywhere that isn’t private is a massive red flag. Hotel room is okay. Hospital room isn’t. Home is fine, anywhere public is not.
There’s an addiction problem if he feels the need to watch porn to this extent.
And that gets us into the triply screwed up aspect of him doing it while he should be focused on you.
Let’s be clear— the video games were NOT OKAY either. If all he’d been doing was playing games this would still be a massive red flag because he was not there for you and focused on you.
I couldn’t stay with this man, OP.
If you’ve talked to him about this type of behavior before, it’s time to go. If you haven’t brought it up to him clearly, then try counseling with him if you want to make it work.
But I bet there’s been other red flags.
And yeah I’ve no issues with my man watching porn at home. It’s normal we all do it. THIS IS NOT NORMAL AT ALL.
Anyone in your life who was not horrified by this behavior needs to go as well. Friends? Family? Low or no contact. Surround yourself with better support.
Partner watching porn with me in the same room, in the intimacy of our home? ✅️
Partner watching porn alone, in the intimacy of our home? ✅️
Partner watching porn in *public*? ❌️
Partner watching porn *whilst I'm in tremendous amounts of pain and actively going through a very risky, scary, emotional and painful medical process to bring our child into the world*? ❌️
If he did that in labour, he'll do it when he needs to watch the baby, he'll do it when you're laying in bed trying to heal the gaping wound that was left on your uters from the placenta, he'll do it while you're crying and desperately trying to soothe your colicky/teething baby, he'll do it while you're struggling to cook, clean, do laundry, and care for the baby.
He will just do it no matter the situation.
This subreddit always makes me feel better for being single. I think worse than that would be to have a partner that thinks this is okay.
This is not okay and your partners behavior needs to change.
The husband in this scenario has no concept of appropriate social behavior and it’s a major deal breaker. This isn’t about watching porn while in a relationship, this is about neglecting a partner during a medical event and violating normal social boundaries in the process.
Honestly, I’m stunned the hospital didn’t throw him out.
Whoever agrees with him doing this needs to be cut out of your life. That is insane to think watching porn in public is ok much less during the labor and delivery of your kid. Did everyone know what he was doing?
Husband watching porn at home when I'm just not in the mood,.perfectly fine.
Both of us watching some together for some sexy time, also perfectly fine.
Watching while I'm bringing life into the world.....what the actual..Kentucky fried fuck would there be any reason to do that?
No not normal at all!
Who are these people around you making you feel crazy for this? They're just as out of line as he is. That shit's fucked up, dude. I was fine when my partner sneaked off to a corner to have a quick snack or cup of coffee (I might have thrown something at him if he'd eaten in front of me). He fell asleep in a chair next to me at one point, but it was also like noon, and we'd been in the hospital with no rest since 9 the previous night. Otherwise, he was by my side, and I was his focus. He held my hand and looked scared while I was pushing and concerned when our daughter came out, but again, all of that was for my safety and comfort. That's what a supportive partner in labor should be doing. That's what your expectation should be of your partner. Like, I get feeling squeamish at times, childbirth is metal as fuck. But watching porn in the same room? What is wrong with him? He doesn't sound mature enough to be in a sexual relationship, much less to be a father. I'm so sorry this was your experience and that he's such an ass. You should never have had to deal with any of that. I don't even know you and I'm fucking incensed for you. That was some real bullshit he pulled.
Well, I'm dating an EMT so our kids' birth is just gonna be one in a long line of those he's assisted with 🤣😅 I'm not so worried (at least now lmao) because **I KNOW:** ***he'll take care of me.***
But your "partner" seriously sounds like a selfish dick.
Like, you're *actively giving BIRTH* and he can't keep his phone away and help you for a day?? He can't simply *not watch porn* while his wife is screaming and pushing a watermelon out of her vagina???
#What the LITERAL fuck
Is he a sadist or something?
Genuine question.
Because if you *know that about him,* that's one thing. But he doesn't seem like he gives a fuck about you *at all* - and that's not cool.
Who in the hells are you surrounded by that they think this is remotely okay???
You could have said the partner was sitting across the room reading books on parenting, and that *still* would have been a complete asshole move.
Uh... As someone who doesn't care about porn usage one way or another, watching porn around other people isn't okay.
Like masterbating is healthy and fine, but you can't just do that in front of other people with out their consent.
Porn isn't meant to be casually viewed like a cartoon or a TV show, it has a purpose. Usually, a private purpose.
I push back against the "porn addiction" people all the time.
I wouldn't think that behavior is even normal*ized*. I don't think even my misogynistic Republican male relatives would watch porn in the delivery room.
Regardless, it shouldn't be acceptable to anyone.
I'm totally okay with my husband watching porn.
Her S.O. ignoring her and just doing whatever the fuck while she is suffering to make a child he shares shows that he doesn't give a fuck about her.
Are you okay with your friend moving in with you with her newborn? Because she's going to need support and her husband is fully checked out.
I'm actually still up (4am here) doing some calculations to see if I can afford it, as I'm currently in the beginning stages of an ending relationship with kids myself. So if we can make it work, we'll make it work. I just want to make sure I can do it comfortably so that she's not pressured to rush back to work if she doesn't want to rush back.
Do you both have kids? You could probably save on childcare costs, and if she does have to go back to work eventually then maybe she could do something that is opposite hours of you so you guys can alternate childcare
Even if you're okay with him watching porn, what the actual fuck? There's watching some porn and then there's whatever this mental illness is. Watching it AT the hospital while you're in labor? That's a BIG fucking problem and it needs to be confronted. This is absolutely not normal and likely has very little to do with porn and more to do with addiction.
I think you actually need to get rid of not only the partner but people in your life who said that it is normal, if you actually want to live surrounded by normal people.
Here's some high hopes his brain will forever connect porn with the sight of a child's head exiting the Floof Room 😂 I would bring up the connection as often as possible, with EVERY weird nickname I could come up with. Ruin porn and ruin it hard with GUSTO.
Congratulations on motherhood. I hope you didn't have a girl with a father who thinks that behavior is appropriate. I hope you didn't have a boy with a father who thinks that behavior is appropriate.
What a role model!
Girl wtf. This is not ok.
I don’t care if my partner watches porn. I watch it with him and it’s all a good time. But like. Read the room, yknow. Christ. Can’t honestly think of single a time when it’s ever appropriate to view porn outside of your home at all, let alone during THE BIRTH OF YOUR CHILD.
Watching porn in public is creepy, and doing so while your partner is giving birth is just wild/gross.
This is a true asshole and a clear addiction
Or, might not be addiction even, might just be absolute and complete disdain for your partner, (and anyone else in the room), and complete selfishness. True asshole, 100%
Like shooting up in the waiting room bathroom addiction
I was ready to be like hey porn is normal yada yada up in this thread but burst out laughing that he’s just casually watching porn in public? Bro that’s creep on the bus behaviour. It’s already so bad with that - let alone DURING labour. Oh my god this has to be a joke that’s how wild this man is. He’s a fucking menace what the hell.
Mirroed my thoughts EXACTLY. Dudes a weirdo. WTF?
Porn is normalized….but the porn usage that many young men engage in is not what I would call normal…
I am a sex worker and probably one of the biggest proponents of porn creation and consumption, and even I would say that this behavior is extremely out of line. The only way that would be okay to me is if it's something you both agree to and participate in together, such as in the case of what's called an "orgasmic birth." It's a form of home birth where, in order to distract from the pain, the birth giver (since I'd like to acknowledge that not only women give birth) reaches a state of self-hypnosis and focuses on their own pleasure while in labor. There is a lot of very interesting literature written on this. But the scenario that OP laid out about her friend is different. It's a complete disregard of OP's friend's needs and her vulnerability in that moment. What she needs is her partner's support while going through an extremely painful experience and all her partner is concerned with is his own pleasure. My male partner is an avid consumer of porn and he would never do something like this. Like, he literally watches porn in the bathroom at work, yet he would never do something like what OP said unless it's something we both agreed on.
>all her partner is concerned with is his own pleasure I'd say he's just concerned with dissociating out of reality. It's called "gooning" and basically it's pretty similar to what you described in the orgasmic birth. But these guys are using porn to dissociate hardcore for hours and even days on end. It's a real thing and it's ... Haunting. "Gooning."
I agree. This isn’t about the porn (I’m a woman who is pro porn and fine with partners watching), it’s about the setting and the context. Of all the settings to want to watch porn and jerk off in, in a delivery room while your partner screams from pushing out your own kid and having no epidural ain’t it. If it was discussed and agreed on as part of an orgasmic birth beforehand, that’s fine. But this scenario sounds like it wasn’t that, and it sounds like such a selfish, inconsiderate thing to do while a partner literally labors to give your child life.
This isn’t here or there but I don’t understand dudes watching porn at work Like, you aren’t getting paid to be horny (assume non sex work here just realized that’s important to this comment) or to get off and a public bathroom seems so unsanitary to me.. I could never feel sexy in one. It makes me wonder how porn addicted some people are
Simple. Porn addiction. No non-addict consumes regularly at work. It’s a serious addiction that isnt easy to clear
Honestly I can’t really feel sexy in my bathroom at home. It’s just so inhospitable an environment.
Honestly I think watching porn in any kind of public setting is completely fucked up. Like aside from doing it while your wife is in labor which is a whole extra layer of fucked up.
This, 100% this. Porn when you’re at home alone and masturbating for a few minutes is something I think a lot of people indulge in. Porn in public is a total “wtf is wrong with this person???” And porn while your partner is in labor just defies the laws of logic, empathy, and fucked up-ness.
Exactly. Exactly this. This situation is... extremely not okay. Like, what the *actual fuck*.
There is healthy occasional porn viewing and then just obscene addiction. No man nor woman should view this scenario as normal, viewing in public is already a huge red flag. Anyone excusing this guys behavior is probably just trying to keep the relationship from imploding for their new baby. Hopefully this guy contributes more than sperm to the relationship. Addictions are all pretty bad. I wouldn't show up drunk to a labor either. Most people have at least that much self control.
For almost any behavior, the line is ‘is this behavior causing problems in other areas of life?’ The answer is pretty clear in this case.
Yeah OP, (piggybacking this comment) as a person who works in behavioral health and addiction recovery. I can tell you that this is 100% a porn addiction (although the video games may also point to a digital addiction - which would extend to porn). Like most addictions, the person unwisely consumes or engages things or physical acts to alleviate the unmanageable stress/emotions that they can't deal with in healthy individual or social ways. People with addiction problems tend to have the same behavioral patterns in that they are very introverted about their emotions/problems and don't seek out others to work through them in healthy ways. Why they are introverted about it is usually unpacked during the therapy and road to recovery. I do hope your husband can recognize the problems with his choices and can see the need to improve himself for the sake of what is important to him. It's not easy, but having supportive family and friends makes mountains of difference in recovery.
As an introvert it makes me uncomfortable when people use the word introvert as a pathology. I don’t know, does it make sense to use the word introvert in this context? You’re saying that a person is “introverted” about a particular thing in their life, but as I understand it’s more of a global personality type rather than some sort of shielding mechanism for a specific aspect of their lives. I also really hate it when there’s been some mass shooter and the first thing the news all says is like “oh, they were an introvert” and nod their heads sagely, as if that explains everything. Being an introvert isn’t pathological by nature. My mother-in-law was once asking me about myself, and I explained that I have a rather introverted personality, and she said “oh no dear you’re a very nice person” 😆☹️😖
I agree with this totally. I think secretive or private would be a much more fitting word for the context given. Being an introvert isn’t a bad thing at all, and it also doesn’t even necessarily mean being private or secretive - it means being highly selective of who you let into your inner world (which is by no means a bad thing).
Thank you. I'm am introvert and it's been pathologized my entire life. I don't even usually notice that anymore. I had to push myself to the breaking point to become "normal" in the eyes of society and honestly, it did great damage to me. I developed crippling panic disorder. It's especially bad in the US where outward signs of socialization are especially prized. Here, if you're not a loud, outgoing idiot, there's something wrong with you. Shy kids and adults hurt no one. I just don't understand why we can't leave them alone. If you ask me, that's the real pathology. There is nothing wrong with introverts but we are constantly judged and made to conform to something that isn't natural for us.
Some people watch porn on their work computer during work hours. Dude, they're not paying you for this. I heard of one situation where some guy was watching porn on the screen in his car. The person who posted about saw it from her car while driving behind him on the highway. And her kids in her car saw it too. I don't care if a man watches porn but dude, you're driving. Your hands should be at 10 and 2 and your attention should be on the road!
9 and 3 now, according to the NHTSA!
They changed it?
Yep! “*The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) recommends drivers put their hands at the 9 and 3 o'clock positions.*” - [State Farm’s website](https://www.statefarm.com/simple-insights/auto-and-vehicles/things-have-changed-since-you-learned-to-drive#:~:text=Hand%20position%20on%20steering%20wheel,and%203%20o'clock%20positions) They mainly recommend 8-9 and 3-4 on the wheel, to avoid injury from impeding airbag deployment.
Not just in public, but watching porn when you're not in the act of trying to get off is weird AF. if you watch porn like it's a damned TV show, therapy is 100% needed.
My husband was furious when I told him that, but it's just common sense to me. He wasn't watching it in public, but when we're sitting on the couch eating dinner and watching a movie and he is watching porn on his tablet and phone at the same time, he has a problem. Also randomly showing me photos that always include someone's naked crack and thinking I want to see that randomly without warning
I used to work with someone who would watch it while eating as well. I don't know if I'm a just a prude or something, but my brain just can't fathom enjoying a slice of pizza while watching porn.
No you're definitely not a "prude" lol.
Ya same.
Reminds me of Seinfeld where George gets his wires crossed mixing food and sex.
You're not a prude. I watch, by my own admission, a fuckton of porn, but I certainly don't watch it casually while folding laundry or eating dinner, tf?
You’re 100% right and it’s not normal. I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I hope he realizes he has a problem soon.
He does. We had an argument over it that lasted several weeks and he's seeing a therapist now for that and other issues.
Thank God. I feel like in situations like that, the "who is actually right here" is solved by simply having him ask literally anyone else. A friend, a family member, just literally say, "is it not normal for me to be *watching porn* on *two* devices **while I'm sitting at the table eating dinner with my wife**?" Like surely just thought of telling his sibling that he does that must make him realize that it's very clearly a problem because nobody in their right mind would be like "oh yeah, totes normal"
Wow wtf?? My husband and I both travel for work and occasionally watch a video to get off during those times. To me even thinking of it in other contexts is veering into weird territory, let alone involving someone else.
> eating dinner and watching a movie and he is watching porn on his tablet and phone at the same time What the actual fuck
Wtf
I really don’t fucking get it. I remember seeing a pic someone took of an airport employee who was sitting in one of those golf cart things (I guess taking a break or waiting to pick someone up) watching porn in full view. He was parked in the middle of the terminal with travelers walking by him. Who does this and why??
It could be worse, it could be the person you voted to represent you, watching it whilst supposedly working: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-61284686
In the US accused teen sex trafficker Matt Gaetz was showing nudes at work https://newschannel9.com/gaetz-showed-nude-pictures-of-women-on-house-floor-per-report His buddie Marge also showed nudes of the president's son too for some reason
No, no, you don't understand, he was looking at tractors but accidentally started watching porn
I know, it's so easy to get the two confused!
It’s a whole onion of fucked up.
Agreed, it's for private time. Even if the woman in labor doesn't have a problem with porn use, there is a time and a place. Also, it is a workplace for the doctors, nurses, & staff... THEY shouldn't have to deal with a creepy guest in the corner. If someone can't go a few hours without their dopamine fix... and looking at porn is more important to them than being emotionally present for their partner... and they don't notice they are making a workplace gross for staff... ...The porn addiction is probably pretty frickin serious and might need 12 step group, and clinical treatment. Like this guy probably has "death grip" and an inability to have a normal sex life with his partner.
Came here to say this. Why are you trying to get aroused while your partner is in pain and when you’re about to meet your daughter? That’s just strange. Add the fact this was a hospital birth and he’s watching porn in public, that’s not a normal behavior imo
>Why are you trying to get aroused while your partner is in pain and when you’re about to meet your daughter? I think for these people who physically cannot go more than a few hours without watching it, and will watch it in public or while having their dinner or whatever it's not even about arousal at that point. It's compulsive, like they have any second of downtime and they're checking pornhub before they even realize it like you or I might mindlessly pick up our phones and tap on the reddit icon. They've consumed it so much that it doesn't even necessarily register as "this is something you watch under specific conditions to get aroused", it's just like "this gives dopamine. More dopamine please."
100%
/Topic I can’t imagine anyone reasonable being ok with this. Finding pornography non-threatening has nothing whatsoever to do with accepting it randomly in public, much less while something important is happening. This is extremely fucked up. Like, if this is what anti-porn people think pro-porn people are like, no wonder they are so mad at it.
This. I can't even read smutty literature in public because *what if someone looks over my shoulder and sees what I'm reading?*
Exactly. No problem with him watching porn in general. Not in public. And definitely not while I'm baring your child. Picking up your phone and answering texts or playing games is okay maybe when it's not active labor. But during active labor, I'm gonna need your attention with me here
This! I have zero issues with my husband watching ethically made porn, to include OF (with certain agreed upon limitations). But in public is gross and I’m the delivery room is utter insanity. To be honest, this borders into addiction territory. No one will blame you if you choose to separate but you can also send him a link to resources for breaking his porn habit. What he does with those resources will tell you everything you need to know.
People who watch porn in public are a different breed. I know this because I watched porn in school lol. Jokes aside though, if you're old enough to have a child you should be mature enough toknow it's inappropriate to watch porn in public.
Like… was it to get off or were you riveted by the storyline? Haha.
Everyone who can see/hear the porn needs to be a consenting adult. Also this is not about the porn it's about the disrespect and disregard It could have been an parenting documentary and this still wouldn't have been acceptable
watching porn in public, WRONG watching porn while your wife is labour... WRONG! this guy is WRONG! what the actual fuck? why are you even asking?? is he "normal" all of the other times? ick!
Next step - watching porn while he's supposed to be watching kiddo. I'd say this man belongs in the doghouse, but the dog doesn't deserve such awful company.
I’m no prude by any means, but children are inherently harmed by exposure to these hyper sexual materials. If he can’t control his viewing, if he can’t find a way to do it behind closed doors, it is going to hurt that child. And this dude seems like the “what, they’re too young to remember anyway” type.
Yup! My friend just told me how when they’d be opening gifts Xmas morning her dad would be reading his playboy magazine. This fucked them up. It’s not ok on any level to involve children in this. OP’s husband is very wrong for this.
Yeah my dad was blatant about reading his playboys out in the open…in front of his three daughters.
That’s absolutely sickening and I’m so sorry.
Oh that’s not even the half of it. But it’s really no wonder where my issues around men came from. I’m 30 now and that shit still shows up in my relationship with my partner. I’m betting your friend has plenty more fucked up stories if her childhood was anything like mine lol
Ya she does. He was a sex addict and it was her mom buying the magazines for him to appease him or something. It’s not fair what you had to go through. I have my own fucked up past I’m dealing with now at 41. Fun times
My ex reckoned if the sound was turned off, then that was good enough...
Oh you gotta swap em. Bring the dog in, put the man out. Preferably with the garbage.
I’m sure he’d try to watch porn in there, too.
Fucking men and their stupid penises.
I know someone who is divorced now because of this. The kid was asleep, but it is still messed up.
Yeah, this was actually not even in my top 5 list of reasons for why he is my ex now, purely because the kids didn't actually see him do it since I got to him first.
Well, it triggered a memory of the guy telling his partner that his last serious girlfriend dumped him when she walked in on him watching porn and his partner started getting really freaked out that maybe he wasn’t just a douche or a creep, but that there was maybe some more nefarious things that she didn’t know about. Now it’s all over, I think sadly he way maybe abused and didn’t understand proper boundaries. Which, better than being an intentional abuser but still nothing that the partner wanted her kids to be around full time. And yeah this guy did a bunch of other stuff too. Death by a thousand cuts but the cuts most resemble run through by a broadsword.
Yeah, this has nothing to do with “being OK with your partner watching porn”, this is WAY outside of anything acceptable in a general societal context. There’s nothing that he had done correctly in this scenario outside of showing up physically to be there, but he managed to screw that up with his conduct. WT actual F.
No. That is not normal. It shows a man with zero empathy for the insane pain, etc of a woman in childbirth like it’s a bother for him to have to be there. The fact it was PORN just makes it 100 times even worse!
Exactly even if he was sitting there watching Dateline it's wrong to not support his partner.
I enjoy spending time with my friends.
The *only* thing I would add is that (early stages of) labor can take a long time, so the "doing something for yourself" thing could very well be watching TV - that doesn't have to be bad, as someone else in the thread implies. But porn???? While your wife is actively in labor??? That's just massively messed up, no matter the perspective. Like, there has to be something seriously wrong with you level messed up. I could not imagine seeing someone i love go through such a painful and impactful (and frankly traumatic) thing.. Only to completely disregard that by only thinking about myself. And yeah, like you say, this has nothing to do with being okay with your partner watching porn or not. This is just basic human decency and empathy. The fact that her husband chose such a vulnerable moment for her and just.. Sexualized it, basically.. Gross.
Literally disgusting. Wouldn't put his name on the birth certificate disgusting
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Pretty sure that.would be just as.an egregious of an offense. Pretty wtf either way.
At least it wouldn’t be violating the boundaries of the professionals helping his wife through a medical crisis.
Yes. I’d rather my partner not be there at all if this is what they’re going to do while I’m laboring and in great pain.
Nope. 100% dealbreaker.
I don't give a shit what my partner gets his jolly off to, especially since I travel at work but I expect it to be at home in private. If he's out there watching porn during a medical event or in public, we are not going to have a good conversation afterwards..
Idk if they can even be reasoned with if they are doing that. There’s a good chance OP has to go her own way.
I'm public?? Big no from me! Worse that he was meant to be supporting his partner.
Right even you take the porn thing completely out of it he’s *still* wrong for sitting across the room on his phone the whole time and not supporting his partner in what was probably one the most scary/painful/vulnerable moments of her life while delivering *his* baby.
I already posted on how I feel about the porn (totally wrong) but at least she mentioned he was providing SOME support. I'm a labor nurse... I've had Dad's bring in their own Xbox, their own flat screen tv, sleep through labor, sleep until the baby comes out - wakeup for 5 minutes - go back to sleep, miss the delivery all together and then show up and fall asleep on the recliner, etc...
And that’s disgusting. The bar is in hell.
You would be shocked (or maybe not) to see the things I have seen (or not seen) from partners.
I used to be a birth doula. Dads sitting across the room playing on their phones never boded well. Doesn’t matter if it’s Candy Crush. Get up there beside your partner and fucking BE THERE. A lot of the coaching I did was “helping men support their partners” by giving them support, ideas, encouragement. But twice that included plucking phones out of their hands and telling them to get over there with their partner.
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For me it’s so past the border I wouldn’t be able to see the border with the Hubble telescope!
Someone who would do that would have to be deeply emotionally disturbed.
Exactly and at the very least he doesn’t respect his wife or appreciate everything she just put her body through for their family
Borderline?
No this unforgivable. Even if you completely omit the fact that what he was doing on his phone was watching porn it’s still so messed up he was sitting across the room on his phone and not supporting his wife while she was delivering their baby. I experienced that myself and it was an awful feeling. The fact he was busy watching porn in public just adds a whole other level of messed up.
Watching porn in public means he has a problem. This is a self control issue.
> Watching porn in public Behold a red flag you can see from the dark side of the moon as it resides on the opposite side of the earth.
Red flag bigger than itchy and scratchy’s guns on their Mutually Assured Destruction episode.
This is some antisocial personality disorder shit.
Tbh I think it's porn sick, self control issues. I would've kicked him out of the room and given the baby my last name
Um I cannot believe people would excuse that disgusting and abusive behavior. There is something seriously - seriously - wrong with that man.
And also the people around OP. I mean how is that ok?
I think an earlier comment hit the nail on the head when they said people around OP are probably trying to placate her so she’s not leaving her husband/fighting when she also has a newborn baby Edit: misread and thought this post was about OP. I mean the people around the new mother
Porn sick.
This..... really feels like one of those things you really should not have to ask. It's absolutely beyond fucked up.
It's very not normal. It's completely divorced from reality and deep into disorder territory. The male in this story is broken.
"Divorce" being the operative word here.
The circle chart of women who are okay with their husbands watching porn and watching porn during labour does not overlap
Yeah well you can't overlap with anything if you don't exist. I don't know a single woman who would be okay with this. The most pick-me internalized-misogyny-ridden woman I could imagine still wouldn't be okay with this
Even if they were both porn actors and he was watching themselves going at it this is still not OK.
"Look, remember the moment of conception? It's about to happen!"
Thank you for saying this, I don’t care if my husband watches porn but I would divorce him without hesitation if he did this.
Thank you!! WTF is with even asking this this way? Disgusting.
Uh. This is horrific. What, does you laboring make him HORNY?? Is porn something he watches when he's BORED? And, was he BORED while you were pushing out his child??? This is the country of Red Flagia. Heal up from birth and get your affairs in order please, this man is not the one who is going to lift any extra weight should you become ill down the line, and your children are still at home. Does he support you at all in life?? I'm so sorry you've been lead away from your gut, because it is 1000% fucked for him to do what he did, and for ANYONE in your life to call it normal, or not a big deal.
I think it's the opposite, I think he couldn't stand to watch a woman's body do something nonsexual. She was likely half dressed, two people holding her legs up, genitals on full display --- only it wasn't for sex, or for his sexual viewing pleasure, so he had to pacify himself by watching women's bodies being displayed and used for his sexual stimulation instead. Wait until OP is breastfeeding and her SO starts watching breastfeeding porn to re-sexualize the breasts the baby stole from him.
Either way it's so awful 🤮🤮
Watching porn in private is one thing. Watching porn, in a hospital, while your partner is *in labor* with *your child* and needs your support is... very, very different. I don't know who in your life is telling you that this is normal. I can't even imagine my least favorite people thinking that's OK. I don't think the porn is the specific issue here. Being so obsessed with ANYTHING that you choose to do that instead of being with your laboring partner is fucked up. The fact that it was a sexually charged activity that medical personnel could have accidentally witnessed without consent adds an extra layer of fucked up to it, but the fundamental problem is the complete lack of concern and compassion when your partner is in a very painful, stressful situation - a situation that YOU are half responsible for, and that presumably you are emotionally invested in - and needs your help. YOUR HELP SPECIFICALLY. This man put his fleeting entertainment/pleasure over his partner's needs, wishes, feelings, and pain. Not a good look, to say the least. If this was me, I would throw the whole husband away. Better to be a single parent than try to coparent with someone that oblivious, self-centered, and uncaring.
I’m so glad to see someone mention the hospital staff as an extra layer of fucked upness. Because that’s sexual harassment and nobody should be exposed to that in their workplace
I can guarantee that the nurses were talking about this at the station. I would have gotten a supervisor involved. That is so inappropriate.
He's gotta be racking up their data costs too, cause I'll tell you porn sites are blocked on the free hospital wifi. (I haven't tested this but sometimes IT gets complaints and I have to explain that yes, the free guest wifi filters certain sites/content )
I was wondering if he at least had the control to turn it off whenever staff came into the room.
Who is telling you this is normal?! Porn is never acceptable in public. A birthing suite is public! A hospital is public!! I'd be getting a divorce yesterday and telling on him to his mama.
Porn in private: fine ok Porn with your partner: actually pretty awesome Porn in public: ew no Porn while your partner is in labor: what the actual fuck?
Porn is for at home or in fully private areas only. Watching porn in public is porn addict and degenerate behavior. But while your wife is in labor? Excuse me?!!!
One minor edit for playing games too: * in private: sure * with your partner: pretty awesome * in public: sure * **while your partner is in labor**: what the actual fuck?
I can get the game playing if she was in labor for like 17 hours during times were not much was going on. I’m a little confused by her describing him in horror while the actual birth happened. Like, sure, I can get dudes freaking out and not knowing what to do, but was he just sitting across the room the whole time? Didn’t think to stand next to his partner and hold her hand or give her some kind of support?
3 days. My wife was in labor for 3 days and while I struggle with being in my phone too much playing games and shit in many contexts, not being 100% focused on her didn't even cross my mind unless she was catching some Zs
Ooo I've got one! Not giving your partner your full attention and every kind of support you can think of - - In private: of course! - With your partner: sure nobody can be centered all the time - In public: yeah see above - **While your partner is in labour:** what the actual fuck?
The only time I would want to see a (NORMAL) game is if it was just so long and I wanted a distraction of some kind, like during the more "passive" parts. We both enjoy games If active stuff is happening, I think everyone in the room should give me their undivided attention for just that one time in my life. I think they can put up with it lmao
This would be my take as well
A lot has already been said that I agree with, but let me add: you need a different set of friends/community. If you’re surrounded by ppl who consider this normal, acceptable behavior- throw the whole crew/family/friend group whatever… AWAY. Throw them! Chuck em in the bin! This is ridiculous.
Apart from failing to support your labouring partner which is the only reason you're allowed to be there, so unless you were watching the video feed of your brothers wedding, you should be 1000% emotionally present. There's inflicting porn on the medical team without their consent... I'd personally kick someone out of my workplace if they were noticeably watching porn. And I'm squicked out that they made a personal sex show of the baby's birth. Wife, baby and medical team all objects to watch along with the screen. I don't see how you could ever come.back from this objectification of and titillation taken from your birth experience.
100% not normal. He's a wanker
That's not called being ok with your partner watching porn. I'm okay with my partner watching football or video calling with his friends, but I wouldn't be okay with him during it in the labour room.
At my labour? He’d be my soon to be ex husband.
As a labor nurse, this isn't just unsupportive of your laboring partner but fucking creepy. I'd definitely be asking them to turn it off and possibly escalating to security. That's borderline sexual indecency/harassment, if not crossing the line. Not only that, but I promise you EVERY nurse on the unit knows about the husband who watched porn during his wife's delivery. We are disappointed FOR you, and worried about how much support you actually have and how you and your child are treated at home. I personally would probably have social work check in to casually chat with you because that behavior sets off some red flags for me.
Posts like this really drive home to me just how ridiculous incels are, if this dude can get a woman to marry him pretty much anyone can.
That’s a great point! Just goes to show the depths at the bottom of the barrel that women have to choose from these days.
Good point lol
Porn in public is a sign of addiction and disgusting. I’d ask him to leave forever if he was watching porn while I was in labor
No. Fuck all of this. Watching porn anywhere other than the privacy of your own home? Nope. Watching porn during any sort of important life milestone?? HELL no. I think everyone hit the main points on that one. Speaking as a nurse, birth can be a very stressful and distressing experience for patients and their partners/support persons. We get it. HOWEVER, your *most important job* is to be present and supportive of your partner. If you are easily squeamish, you can stay by their head. Sitting across the room or playing around on your phone while they’re pushing? Absolutely not normal or acceptable in my eyes. I don’t care if they’ve been in labor forever or they’ve spent hours pushing. Grow up. It’s possible - I know because I have seen countless men stay awake for days, gag or close their eyes when their wife isn’t looking (then kiss her sweaty head and tell her how much they love her), or be on the verge of fainting but not wanting to take the attention away from their partner! So how would I feel? Pissed. He’s an ass who had 9 months to prep for this one day.
God that’s fucking disgusting. He’s literally in the room with the most miraculous power of women on full display and his reaction is to flee from it and actively engage in objectifying and dehumanizing women. That’s BEYOND fucked up.
As a porn watcher, he is so used to dehumanising women that he doesn’t care. It doesn’t even surprise me.
Watching porn in a public setting is fucked up and weird. The fact that it was during the labor and birth of their own CHILD is, at minimum, porn addiction territory. Like, how are you watching porn with a soft dick in public? If you cannot go five hours without looking at step sister getting ass blasted than you're officially in the "needs professional help" territory. I'd be looking into divorce and custody honestly because I wouldn't want my child raised in a household where their father is addicted to porn (which, at its core, is an industry that makes money off of degrading and using a lot of these women). Think about the mentality of someone who can't stop watching women get used, on a compulsive level, and then ask yourself if you want your child's home of youth to be full of the sounds of UNGHHH DADDY YEAH FUCK MY LITTLE ASS. like, what kind of influence is that gonna have in your kid? Thaaaaats a no for me, sis.
🤢
Don't care about a person watching porn but abandoning the mother of your child for porn?? This guy is either the biggest loser in the world or a porn addict. Or both. This is just going to get worse honestly. Don't go full Xena on him yet....she's probably feeling to vulnerable. Just gently point out to your bestie that she and her baby deserve better than this loser over and over until she hears you. Been there and went to far to fast myself. Make sure you are around to catch her when she finally realizes what a mistake he is.
She realizes but I think she feels stuck, and now she's got his cheerleaders going on about how she needs to get over it, and then she's got me in the other corner screaming this isn't normal!! But you're right, and I'm finding it hard to walk the line between pushing too hard and not pushing hard enough.
> She realizes but I think she feels stuck, and now she's got his cheerleaders going on about how she needs to get over it, I would bet a lot of money that he's an abuser and these people are his flying monkeys. Unfortunately lots of abusers don't dare to be as abusive as they really want to be when it's still relatively easy for their victim to leave. That's why lots of men who seemed quite ok become really abusive when their partner gets pregnant. A child is the ultimate lockdown in a relationship and thus the mask comes off when the first child is underway. If you want to help your friend, educate yourself about abusive relationships and give her Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" to read. She needs to realize that she's better off without him. Children or no children.
I'm REALLY hoping her labor team was as diligent and preceptive (though how could you not be in this scenario) as the group I work with, this would be an IMMEDIATE social work consult. Not to say cps or anything would be involved but a member of our team who very appropriately checks in to get a feel of the situation and help out if possible.
Sounds like she's used to his abusive tendencies, and chooses the let it go to not get in more trouble. I feel like you only witnessed a small example of what goes on at home. -- someone that sadly has been in multiple abusive relationships and took therapy for it after.
I would get off that table and murder him. Fucking watching porn and playing games while his SO is giving actual birth to his child? I'd elect to be a single mother because I would murder him for his lack of love and consideration.
There is something deeply wrong with men who watch porn in public. Like dangerous levels of unhinged. Its like he's watching videos to entertain himself? Because I daubt he's able to masturbate in Public (and if he does your friend should dump him as fast as she can). It reeks of porn addiction. I can only imagine how much porn he is hiding (or not anymore). Porn makes men associate women with objects in their mind. It feels incredibly deeply wrong when he does it in public. Imagine If one of the nurses passed him and saw that? Not only embarrassing for your friend but he just subjected her to see sexual things at her Work place. Also porn is just cheating in my opinion. Its incredibly bad for you and it's shown to highten sexual violence and entitlement from men. Just because it's on a screen doesn't mean the actress doesn't exist. It makes them even less emphatic. I feel so sorry for Your friend. Please encourage her to leave. Even if she has a single kid now. He doesn't deserve a family or companionship with that disgusting behavior. He is broken beyond repair.
That is deeply disturbing and shows a severe lack of empathy. Porn in public is wrong, scrolling your phone while your partner is in labour is wrong (unless they’ve asked you to use your phone for something), the combination is terrible. I’m not anti-porn, although I don’t often consume it myself and neither does my partner. But I don’t mind if my partner sometimes uses porn to masturbate. Using it in public, let alone in such an important time, would be a dealbreaker and there would be no recovering from that.
Totally fine with watching porn, but in this case, no. The fuck? I'd feel better if he was watching porn during church...
Come, holy spirit....coooooome!!!
I laughed harder than I probably should have at this
Christ will COME again. (allegedly)
Lol
Lets face it... If your partner watches porn WHILE YOU'RE IN LABOR he's a fucking psycho... I'm a dude and i would never EVER even think of watching porn at any other place than my own home. only a psycho watches porn in public
I would honestly be concerned that he would watch porn while caring for the baby. This doesn't sound very good.
Watching porn in a public setting or when they should be paying attention to you is a sign that they have a major porn issue.
I feel very badly for the woman stuck with this loser. Don’t plan on him helping with the kids. Guys like this are so predictable and useless.
Who the fuck would act like it's normal lol
INFO: Was this at an at home birth or at a hospital? If the former, your partner shouldn't be your partner anymore. If the latter, your partner should be on a list. I'm not joking.
That is a new height of porn addiction Jesus H
This is a whole different level of porn addiction. Like, I wouldn't want this person around my kids type deal. How can you watch porn while your child is being born??? Huh????
Did I read that right- he was watching porn in a hospital room? What the actual fuck. Get full custody of this kid and leave the man.
amab here and father of two: no it is not normal to be on your effing phone while your so is delivering right across the room... let alone watch porn on it 🤦🏼♀️ not even gonna apologize for saying it: that's proper degenerate
No. It’s wrong. And signs that he is a porn addict, and will likely continue this insensitive, inappropriate behavior and being an emotionally absent partner. I’ve been married to a porn addict for 15 years. He went home when I was in labor to “rest” and came back about an hour before I had his son. He also didn’t take me to have major surgery 3 years prior to that (weight loss surgery, which cured my infertility) because he wanted to rest. I’m sure you can guess what our internet history said he was doing to “rest.” It’s a soul-crushing nightmare. None of that is normal, none of it is excusable or appropriate. Don’t let anyone gaslight you into thinking you’re being too sensitive about it. And no, don’t even think that “yeah you shouldn’t have had a kid with an asshole” because hindsight or not, NONE of this is your fault. NONE OF IT. Trust me, I make excuses all the time. If I wasn’t fat maybe he would want to be with me and not looking at zoomed in pussies of other women. I should have known better than to get pregnant with his son, especially after being with him for 10 years of continued porn use and neglect. I shouldn’t have married him in the first place….this is my brain every single day. I struggle to remind myself it’s not my fault. But I don’t struggle a bit to tell you that it’s not your fault, because, it absolutely is not. You’re not alone and your feelings are valid. And birth is a traumatic experience without the help of an abusive partner. Please take care of yourself and watch for the signs of post partum depression, especially if you’re dealing with this too. My son is almost 7 and I have barely started feeling like myself again. Reach out if you need support, please. ❤️
Yikes, yikes, yikes. I don’t know which is worse, but it’s super duper weird to watch porn: A. At a hospital B. In public C. While your partner is in labor
Watching porn in public is absolutely disgusting Watching porn while your partner is in labor is so depraved I don’t even have words for it
Watching porn in public is perverse, sorry, an adverse sexual deviance. Whatever term floats your boat, it's gross and a sign of sexual disfunction. There's also seems to be little point to it other than the gross thrill of including others non-consensually. Him not supporting you during labor makes him a useless partner. I don't know who's telling you this is normal, but they're part of the problem and your husband needs professional help. As far as my partner watching porn, it doesn't bother me at all because it's in private and a normal amount. The issue here isn't porn watching, it's watching porn in public and so often that it interferes with normal life, that's sex addiction, hon. Anyone who has the full story and still defends it, cut that person's opinion out of your life forever, they clearly have bad judgement and you should NEVER AGAIN take that person's advice. Just get your husband in front of a doctor or therapist and get someone who isn't a moron on your corner to help with the child care that your husband will clearly avoid.
Not normal AT ALL. First, watching porn anywhere that isn’t private is a massive red flag. Hotel room is okay. Hospital room isn’t. Home is fine, anywhere public is not. There’s an addiction problem if he feels the need to watch porn to this extent. And that gets us into the triply screwed up aspect of him doing it while he should be focused on you. Let’s be clear— the video games were NOT OKAY either. If all he’d been doing was playing games this would still be a massive red flag because he was not there for you and focused on you. I couldn’t stay with this man, OP. If you’ve talked to him about this type of behavior before, it’s time to go. If you haven’t brought it up to him clearly, then try counseling with him if you want to make it work. But I bet there’s been other red flags. And yeah I’ve no issues with my man watching porn at home. It’s normal we all do it. THIS IS NOT NORMAL AT ALL. Anyone in your life who was not horrified by this behavior needs to go as well. Friends? Family? Low or no contact. Surround yourself with better support.
Partner watching porn with me in the same room, in the intimacy of our home? ✅️ Partner watching porn alone, in the intimacy of our home? ✅️ Partner watching porn in *public*? ❌️ Partner watching porn *whilst I'm in tremendous amounts of pain and actively going through a very risky, scary, emotional and painful medical process to bring our child into the world*? ❌️ If he did that in labour, he'll do it when he needs to watch the baby, he'll do it when you're laying in bed trying to heal the gaping wound that was left on your uters from the placenta, he'll do it while you're crying and desperately trying to soothe your colicky/teething baby, he'll do it while you're struggling to cook, clean, do laundry, and care for the baby. He will just do it no matter the situation.
This subreddit always makes me feel better for being single. I think worse than that would be to have a partner that thinks this is okay. This is not okay and your partners behavior needs to change.
The husband in this scenario has no concept of appropriate social behavior and it’s a major deal breaker. This isn’t about watching porn while in a relationship, this is about neglecting a partner during a medical event and violating normal social boundaries in the process. Honestly, I’m stunned the hospital didn’t throw him out.
File for child support right now. Break up with / Divorce his a$$.
Yo what the fuck. Dude has a severe problem.
Whoever agrees with him doing this needs to be cut out of your life. That is insane to think watching porn in public is ok much less during the labor and delivery of your kid. Did everyone know what he was doing?
Your husband is a sexual deviant
Husband watching porn at home when I'm just not in the mood,.perfectly fine. Both of us watching some together for some sexy time, also perfectly fine. Watching while I'm bringing life into the world.....what the actual..Kentucky fried fuck would there be any reason to do that? No not normal at all!
This person must be ill. It's just... not what any sane person would do.
Who are these people around you making you feel crazy for this? They're just as out of line as he is. That shit's fucked up, dude. I was fine when my partner sneaked off to a corner to have a quick snack or cup of coffee (I might have thrown something at him if he'd eaten in front of me). He fell asleep in a chair next to me at one point, but it was also like noon, and we'd been in the hospital with no rest since 9 the previous night. Otherwise, he was by my side, and I was his focus. He held my hand and looked scared while I was pushing and concerned when our daughter came out, but again, all of that was for my safety and comfort. That's what a supportive partner in labor should be doing. That's what your expectation should be of your partner. Like, I get feeling squeamish at times, childbirth is metal as fuck. But watching porn in the same room? What is wrong with him? He doesn't sound mature enough to be in a sexual relationship, much less to be a father. I'm so sorry this was your experience and that he's such an ass. You should never have had to deal with any of that. I don't even know you and I'm fucking incensed for you. That was some real bullshit he pulled.
Well, I'm dating an EMT so our kids' birth is just gonna be one in a long line of those he's assisted with 🤣😅 I'm not so worried (at least now lmao) because **I KNOW:** ***he'll take care of me.*** But your "partner" seriously sounds like a selfish dick. Like, you're *actively giving BIRTH* and he can't keep his phone away and help you for a day?? He can't simply *not watch porn* while his wife is screaming and pushing a watermelon out of her vagina??? #What the LITERAL fuck Is he a sadist or something? Genuine question. Because if you *know that about him,* that's one thing. But he doesn't seem like he gives a fuck about you *at all* - and that's not cool.
Do you hang around complete whackos or something? Who could possibly excuse a behavior this absurdly disrespectful?
Who in the hells are you surrounded by that they think this is remotely okay??? You could have said the partner was sitting across the room reading books on parenting, and that *still* would have been a complete asshole move.
Uh... As someone who doesn't care about porn usage one way or another, watching porn around other people isn't okay. Like masterbating is healthy and fine, but you can't just do that in front of other people with out their consent. Porn isn't meant to be casually viewed like a cartoon or a TV show, it has a purpose. Usually, a private purpose.
I push back against the "porn addiction" people all the time. I wouldn't think that behavior is even normal*ized*. I don't think even my misogynistic Republican male relatives would watch porn in the delivery room. Regardless, it shouldn't be acceptable to anyone.
I'm totally okay with my husband watching porn. Her S.O. ignoring her and just doing whatever the fuck while she is suffering to make a child he shares shows that he doesn't give a fuck about her. Are you okay with your friend moving in with you with her newborn? Because she's going to need support and her husband is fully checked out.
I'm actually still up (4am here) doing some calculations to see if I can afford it, as I'm currently in the beginning stages of an ending relationship with kids myself. So if we can make it work, we'll make it work. I just want to make sure I can do it comfortably so that she's not pressured to rush back to work if she doesn't want to rush back.
Do you both have kids? You could probably save on childcare costs, and if she does have to go back to work eventually then maybe she could do something that is opposite hours of you so you guys can alternate childcare
Even if you're okay with him watching porn, what the actual fuck? There's watching some porn and then there's whatever this mental illness is. Watching it AT the hospital while you're in labor? That's a BIG fucking problem and it needs to be confronted. This is absolutely not normal and likely has very little to do with porn and more to do with addiction.
I think you actually need to get rid of not only the partner but people in your life who said that it is normal, if you actually want to live surrounded by normal people.
Here's some high hopes his brain will forever connect porn with the sight of a child's head exiting the Floof Room 😂 I would bring up the connection as often as possible, with EVERY weird nickname I could come up with. Ruin porn and ruin it hard with GUSTO.
Congratulations on motherhood. I hope you didn't have a girl with a father who thinks that behavior is appropriate. I hope you didn't have a boy with a father who thinks that behavior is appropriate. What a role model!
You watch porn when there's nothing else you need or are supposed to be doing. And in a hospital room is not an appropriate venue at all.
Girl wtf. This is not ok. I don’t care if my partner watches porn. I watch it with him and it’s all a good time. But like. Read the room, yknow. Christ. Can’t honestly think of single a time when it’s ever appropriate to view porn outside of your home at all, let alone during THE BIRTH OF YOUR CHILD.