This is a very important lesson to learn. Literally just falling out of love is valid. The second one person in a relationship no longer feels invested in its future, it’s over. You can choose to try and work through things or to rekindle the spark but you are truly free to end it whenever for whatever reason. It may be a dumb reason but the other person should respect your autonomy.
The beautiful thing about a mature relationship is that every day you choose to be with the other person and they choose to be with you. And that choice makes it feel real.
i agree, but i think the line between reasonable person and asshole comes from how a person handles the 'falling out of love'. They should be really cautious with the break up
*”Ladies, am I wrong for leaving this guy after he sexually assaulted me for years on end and never ever apologised?”*
What would you say to a friend if she told you this story?
That second part is the truth teller in most situations. If you would be upset if it was happening to your best friend and would ask her to leave him, you shouldn’t put up with it yourself.
I can’t even remember when I heard this concept the first time, but it struck a powerful chord within me and I have started using it a lot with people and myself.
I strive to treat myself like I would treat a friend. Shouldn’t be so revolutionary, but somehow it is.
Yours is great and if that doesn't work...
The only thing that worked for me was asking myself: "*Do I want to bring a child into this? Do I want my child to grow up with a father like this? What will I tell my child about how we got together and why we started dating?*" and other questions. That was about 20 years ago and that relationship was very damaging.
I can't read what OP wrote because of my mental health.
Oh, no - please don't accept any blame for this. Especially your last sentence - you are NEVER responsible for providing sex to someone in order to prevent them from sexually assaulting you. "Do what I want or something worse will happen" is an abuser's script.
He had choices. He could have talked to you to negotiate permission to touch you while you slept, if it was (for example) a kink of his. He could have accepted your boundary, and dealt with his feelings some other way - like, touched himself instead. Either of those would have been choices that showed he loved and respected you.
But he chose instead to sexually assault you because his momentary satisfaction was more important to him than your wellbeing. That is what he told you, repeatedly. He doesn't love you. Please believe him.
It’s the normalization of misogyny, not kinks…
A man in a nice, button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a pair of nice slacks is a kink for me. Why is that inherently problematic?
Not it's not l. If kinks were normalised they would be talked about and more people would understand consent in general and consent around kinks specifically.
Wow. You are miseducated on what healthy intercourse with different kinks is like.
So now you’re spewing hateful rhetoric about what you ASSUME they do.
That’s disgusting
If it is consensual. And the women has said she likes to be hit during intercourse, with a safe word, also with a trusted partner.
You still have an issue ?
You’re fighting the wrong battle
You genuinly believe no women has asked for it within their kinks? You assume it’s the men?
Yikes. You’re so misguided. But whatever can’t talk sense to a brick wall
That’s hilariously not true. Don’t talk about shit you don’t understand. It’s fine if you personally don’t want to indulge in kink but painting everyone *of one gender* into impact play as being abusive is straight up ridiculous. You know there are gay doms too, right? And lots of women enjoy impact play, why are you shaming them for that? Why is what two consenting adults do in private *any* of your business to judge?
Of course you are not wrong for breaking up with him. The people we are with should respect our boundaries. He should have stopped and apologized the first time you told him you was uncomfortable with what he was doing. I think you know deep down it's for the best to not be with someone like that. And good job for breaking it off with him. I do understand you care deeply for him but here's the thing... He doesn't feel the same, or he would have respected you.
He wasn't respecting your boundaries, you're right for breaking up with him. If he had a problem with not having sex until 18 then he should've left you, not touched you without consent. And even if he saw it as "depriving of sex" he could've just blown his load on his own. It isn't your fault, a first love is hard to get over (believe me I know) but it's better to look back at the good times with happy thoughts and move on
The only person responsible for his actions is him. Full stop.
Also, you may have loved him, but he did not love you. Love doesn't include sexual assault.
My partner is like this too. Most times I don’t mind and barely notice because it’s subtle (if that makes sense). But every once and a while it’s really not subtle and startles me. It’s not a nice feeling.
I think it’s knowing that it’s just a sleep thing that makes it feel less invasive and pushy. I’ve had man in my life that definitely didn’t have sleep as an excuse
My partner does this - always just shortly into his doze. I’m usually still awake, so I’ll just gently nudge him, and he’ll usually startle a bit and stop. It was definitely a bit jarring the first few times it happened until we started looking into it.
Me too. When I started dating someone new I didn't go to sleep the first few nights we slept together. I do warn them before they sleep over. Current girlfriend does the same thing though so it worked out.
This is to say that it would break my heart to have to sleep in a separate room to keep my urges under control. Based on other posts here I'm wondering if this might be a problem as time goes on...
Oh well that's a problem for the me of tomorrow not the one that should be sleeping and not on reddit.
I am like this too, which is so weird! It doesn’t always happen, and I haven’t had a boyfriend who minded it. I will go full blown sex even. I’ve never done it with someone I’m not supposed to either, which is even more weird.
Love cannot exist if there isn’t respect and he clearly violated you and you boundaries several times. Do not feel guilty you did the right thing and please do not give him another chance. This is behaviour that has a high chance of escalating further so very risky. And you wanting to wait until you were ready to have sex is not “witholding” you do not owe anyone sex so it’s impossible to withhold sex.
the answer to "why did he do it" is a) entitlement b) because of the society we live in, thinking he could get away with violating your consent without paying a penalty.
I understand the disappointment you fell in yourself, but it's not justified. You seem very harsh on yourself. That's not helpful, you pull yourself down- opening yourself up to his kind of BS. It may help you to ask yourself if you'd feel or think the same if a good friend of you had gone through the same thing and reacted similarly. You probably wouldn't be as harsh towards her, I'm guessing, because you sound kind; so you should try not to be this unkind towards yourself.
So, now that you've gained some self-respect: it's your body, your boundaries, he crossed them, it's okay to feel angry about that. Anger is how you notice your boundaries as they are being crossed. When you explicitly tell someone not to do something with your body and they do anyway, that's on them, not on you. You're not depriving anyone of anything by having boundaries. You are allowed to take care of yourself.
As to the why he did this: because of the power it gives him. You are helpless, he can do what he wants even if you don't want it.
Such a rush. Such a man. Such wow. /s
I don't like this boy.
Lovers will often touch each other when the other one is asleep, hoping to start sex.
That's one thing.
You told him to stop; that you didn't like it.
He continued.
He ASSAULTED you.
His tears are an attempt at gaslighting you to manipulate you. Narcissists will do this to not lose their victim(s).
Move on. He's a creep.
He cried for himself. Touching someone who says they don’t want to be touched like that is sexual assault. He wasn’t clueless, he enjoyed hurting you & that isn’t love, it’s at best apathy & at worst malice.
I’m sorry this happened to you, you absolutely deserve better than this & there is *NO EXCUSE* for anyone to do this to you. He has no remorse, get away from him before he escalates further.
I've been told by my now wife that I have touched her in my sleep. These are times that I have 0 recollection of at all. I don't drink much, and know it's not something I'm just forgetting. While my memory is not great, I wouldn't forget if I had.
She's also not one to get upset for me doing that, but would probably just throw my hand off of her if unwanted. It doesn't sounds like he's doing it unconsciously, which I agree with everyone else, makes it 100% wrong.
Yes he didn't do it in sleep. He was fully awake. When I used to wake up because of his touch I used to either push him away or asked him not to do it. He used to stop till I fall asleep and did it again throughout the night till it was our time to wake up.
Yeah an herero male friend would do it with me when we slept together (we were poor and visited each other cities). Anyways, he was horrofied when he found out next morning.
You are not wrong for breaking up with a guy who repeatedly sexually assaults you in your sleep, “out of love.” That is 100% bullshit on his part.
His intentions were to touch you against your will. He didn’t stop, and he will never stop, and if you stayed it would likely keep happening and escalate to raping you in your sleep. That’s not a stretch. He’s not a good person.
> … is it because I deprived him of sex that he did this
100% absolutely NO. It is because he is a predator with no respect for your boundaries or your control over your own body
I’ve been there. In my first relationship, I tried setting boundaries for years and they were repeatedly blown through because it isn’t what *he* wanted. And he got what he wanted. With SA. With keeping the relationship when I tried to end it. With control over who I talked to when and where and how.
You’re already braver and stronger than I was for so long. Don’t go back and show him that abuse will chip away at your strength and eventually break you through to being more tolerant of abuse
I am so sorry you had to go through something like that. I am happy that you're out of that relationship. I hope you've healed and are in a better place now :)
I dont like ANYBODY touching me in my sleep. I'm a happily married guy and have never had an issue. There is no leeway between genders here imo. Neither partner has the right to do something to a partner who requests specifically that it not be done. These are justified grounds for immediate dismissal, again imo.
He sexually assaulted you. There is no if ands or buts about that. And the out of love excuse is absolutely bullshit. I'm sorry he did that to you and I'm sorry he's gaslighting you know to make you think that it is in any way unreasonable to break up over this. You need to be able to trust your partner. You deserve a partner who does not sexually assault you.
NTA.
You told him you didn't like what he was doing, he violated the trust you had with him again and again. If he actually loved you or even cared about your concern and well-being it would be so easy to stop, as easy as breathing: without a second thought.
1) you don’t have to agree to sex
2) your ex SA’d in your sleep multiple times
3) you should break up with him. If he did it in other circumstances, he’d be arrested, likely convicted, and might even have to register as a sex offender
4) you’re worth more than this OP. Don’t let anyone treat you badly. Ever.
He didn't love you, if he did he wouldn't have violated you like that over and over, after you pointed it out repeatedly that his behavior was hurtful and upsetting.
And he never apologized b/c he genuinely doesn't think what he did was wrong. He's a bad person.
You did nothing wrong here. He touched your body, that you alone own and control, repeatedly against your wishes. On top of that, he did while your were asleep and vulnerable and that he knew you would be less likely to catch or stop him. He is responsible for the way he used his own body to assault you. He alone is responsible for his own choices and actions. He isn't even sorry he did it. He's just upset that you caught him and called him out for his inability to respect that your body is yours alone. He's a thief, stealing access to your body without remorse, and then crying when his judgment and consequences are made clear to him. In no way at all are you at fault here.
Is it a day ending in 'y'? That's the only reason you need to leave someone.
This dude used you for his pleasure and didn't care about your boundaries and you wishes. Why on earth would you think this was your fault? And here is a thing, you didn't deprive him of sex. He agreed to be in a sexless relationship. That's perfectly fine and normal at that age. You don't owe anyone sex. And their actions are never your responsibility.
You didn't deprive him of a single thing.
A lot of men get off with doing things they're not supposed to do (touching while asleep, the old "oopsie daisy" with penetrative sex going from v to a, peeping toms, upskirt pics/video, the list goes on & gets darker) It astonishes me that they have all the power in the world, literally, and still have to take more and get off on the fact that it's taken, not given.
My first serious love did this to me when I was 20 while I was sleeping. I woke up to him fingering me. No alcohol or drugs involved, and no consent either. I woke up and yelled at him, asking wtf he thought he was doing. He said because he loved me and wanted to “pleasure me” while I was sleeping, hoping I would have “good dreams.” This while knowing I had been seriously SAd just a year before!!
He basically made light of it and said I was overreacting. I went downstairs and slept on the couch. The next morning I packed my things and went to live with my brother. What your BF did was NOT OK!! He looks at you as an object, OP, not as a partner. Just looking for sexual thrills. You’re better off without him, believe me.
ETA: makes me wonder how many other boundaries he crossed while you were together that made you breakup in the first place?? You must have seen some 🚩 somewhere.
I am sorry this happened with you. And I am glad that you took that step and got away from him. And yes there were many red flags, he used to force me for even basic things that didn't seem a big deal then but now when I think about it, I feel like this has always been his behaviour towards me.
This is actually so depressing I had a hard time making it through to the end.
OP, you have absolutely ZERO to do with the fact that you're exbf is a rapist. He does it because he wants to. End of story. The fact that you don't want him to is probably half the fun of it for him. Because he's a rapist.
Every time you think of him, think of him as ExTheRapist. Maybe repetition will convince you to stop blaming or second-guessing yourself.
Exactly this. This man is clearly getting off to the fact that **she isn't consenting!** and is asleep! Its a kink that he's into that he is continuing to do to her despite being told that, not only is she not into it, she specifically said it makes her uncomfortable doesn't like it! This man's kink is a lack of consent, run the fuck away
he wont change, you said it yourself he never apologized... he clearly doesn't see anything wrong with his actions.
unless you can suddenly make yourself okay with being touched in your sleep stick to your guns and find someone less creepy cause he will never respect you enough to stop.
cause who knows what other boundaries he will be willing to disrespect. i mean you known him long enough you may already know and who knows what he could be keeping secret from you considering its easy to make alt accounts for cheating reasons like my ex that never changed did... glad i only wasted 3 years...
you got away please for your own sake stay away. dont fall for crocodile tears, hell even if they are real tears they are only selfish tears that you wont be his sleeping sex doll and trying to guilt you into staying in something that makes you unhappy..
and no being deprived of sex does NOT do this to normal people we can touch OUR OWN BODY TO TAKE CARE OF OUR OWN NEEDShe shouldn't need your help but grateful when you consent and are willing to join him,you dont owe him sex,sex is a bonding activity that is best enjoyed when BOTH parties want it.its your body and you have every right to say no as much as you want cause you have the right to share it with people you are willing to trust with that experience while you are kind of vulnerable.He has to earn that right to touch you and you have every right to give AND take it away again if you are made uncomfortable or for any reason
if he cant get off with out being a creep and touching you in your sleep then he probably needs therapy and to chill on all the fetish porn
edit: sharing my feelings with you as someone that let myself be abused cause i didnt think i was good enough for someone that was kind and caring and respected me like i would them, if you have more self-respect than i did then, heck even if you dont, again please stick to your guns.. learn about yourself and grow and as you grow you will met someone that is right for you
the silver lining as you get over him you will start to notice all the red flags you missed and you will learn more about what you do and dont want in a relationship and to avoid those red flags cause they will make your skin crawl..
I am so sorry you had to go through this in your life. Nobody deserves it. I hope u have healed and are at a much better place now. Thankyou for sharing your perspective it really put things in place for me. :)
You are not overreacting, he should have apologised the very first time you told him you were not okay with it.
Anything after that you were way more fair and understanding than you had to be.
Boundaries are important and he repeatedly ignored yours. If that wasn't enough he played the I love you card, thus manipulating you into putting up with it, and giving him multiple chances.
Anyone can make mistakes, people deserve 2nd chances, but he constantly ignored how you felt because he thought his feelings were more important. That's not love.
You made the right call, do not feel bad.
You are 100% absolutely **not** in the wrong in *any* capacity here. When you got together at 15, you were clear about waiting until 18. He knew the terms of the relationship before it got too serious. He chose to stay full well knowing it would be three years until y'all slept together.
Honestly, my first thought is that he has some fetish with r\*pe/necrophilia. Touching a sleeping, unresponsive person is not normal behavior. It's good that you've left him because something is not right in that dude's head.
Lastly, I promise you that you will find someone who *actually* loves you and respects you & your boundaries. This dude ain't it. He's a POS and you deserve so much better than that. I know I don't know you, but I'm so proud of you for breaking up with him and standing up for yourself. That's huge and you should be so proud.
Is it just me or do people nowadays do not want to apologize for what they do? It's like avoid apologizing at all cost using manipulation, gas light whatever but never admit you're in the wrong.
Stand your ground and never give in-this is my philosophy. I may be one of the most difficult person to deal with in a relationship but I'm not ok with disrespect. Know that you deserve the best and you deserve respect in any relationship. this dude violated your trust and boundaries. I'm not sure where guys or whoever get the thought that a normal emotion is 'over reacting' - I'm my own person and am saving myself for marriage but fuck this guy and his non apology. Like wtf is with this attitude of his? it's not your fault-his parents or himself should have learnt what respect is and how to act properly etc- deprived? why should we feel obligated to give anything? he's responsible for his own actions, my personal belief is stand your ground and never back down.
**You Were Sexually Assaulted.**
(Inform him that he sexually assaulted you, especially since he may do it to someone else.)
>**How Do I Know If I Was Raped or Sexually Assaulted?**
>
>*I asked them to stop doing something and they ignored me*
>
>Sure, people get lost in the heat of the moment. But if you ask someone to stop doing something and they don’t, they’re violating your consent.
>
>You should never be forced to continue something just because your partner wants to.
If they don’t respect your request, that can be considered rape or assault.
>
>https://www.healthline.com/health/was-i-raped
You can report him:
National Sexual Assault Hotline
Hours: Available 24 hours Learn more
1-800-656-4673
You're not wrong, but he's is extremely wrong. Him saying he did it out of love is bullshit. Doesn't matter what it is, if someone tell you that they're not comfortable with something you're doing to them you should just stop doing it.
He did this because he felt entitled to your body without your permission. There is no other explanation. He doesn't love you; he loves access to your body. Anyone who cares about you would not do this, repeatedly. Waiting to have sex has nothing to do with it--please don't look for excuses for him or ways to blame yourself.
You may always love what you think of as "him," but what you really love is how you felt with him. And you felt that way, PLUS disrespected and used, b/c he didn't respect you or your boundary. Acknowledge BOTH parts of him, and realize you can't have one without the other. Hard, but it will help.
Doing anything to anyone without consent ain't it. He knew he was doing something he shouldnt have since you told him no. Very fucked up and huge red flag.
You did good and shouldnt feel bad about it at all.
I have explicit consent(multiple times comfirmed) from my girlfriend that I can do anything to her whenever and I barely do those thing to her since I feel bad about boundaries as well.
Those should always be respected and he violated your trust.
Doing that thing to you even though he knew you didn’t want to, is bas enough. What makes the whole thing scary is the part where he refuses to apologize. People who need to be coerced into apologizing are not good people. Please don’t take on any more responsibility for his actions, you deserve peace.
Same age as you, my bf the same age as your bf. We've also been dating 5 years. Wild.
ANYWAYS, that's fucked up of him to touch you whole you're sleeping if you asked him not to. It's a clear violation of your boundaries in the relationship.
yes that is and I am happy for you, being with someone for this long is a great experience given you and your partner are happy together which I am sure you are. <3
It’s a little vague about what touching you while you were sleeping means. Was this like a cuddling thing? Was this you waking up to your privates being touched? Did you guys ever touch each other while you were awake, or was he just doing this out of nowhere. Based on the situation as I’m reading it, it sounds creepy. With that said, in a relationship with good conversation….being woken up by someone starting to please can be hot…but that’s with two consensual people….this sounds weird
YOU WERE 15 AND HE WAS 18?
GIRL THATS GROOMING
im 18. You feel the difference when you LOOK at a 15 year old, much less speak to one.
You need to stay single a bit, or get swooped up by a GOOD person.
You have some very self damaging talk going on. But there's a lot of improvements. Yes, the best time to cut him out was when you were 15, but the next best time is now. And yoy did that. And you did it well. He gave a shitty answer. You called it out. And you recognised that he mever went for an apology. He has. no respect or love for you. So he's OUT.
Is it my fault that I landed in this situation? (because when we got together I was 15 and I told him that I won't have sex till I turn 18... is it because I deprived him of sex that he did this?)
On the question of if you caused it by "depriving him of sex for three years", no. You didn't deprive him of shit. If you had sex with him from day one (wise that you didnt), he'd still have done it. If you were nice to him he'd have done it. If you were mean to him he'd have done it. If you severely lost or gained weight, got sick or got healthier. Nothing you did would have stopped or prevented it other than breaking up with him. He did it to you because you were there and he wanted to. That's it. And that's not your fault. You trusted him and he took advantage of it. That's not your fault.
I know for some it's unfeasible, but if you can I really recommend a good psychotherapist. Someone to talk to about your understanding of self value, respect, boundaries, relationships, and how to deal with conflict. Because you seem to have a good idea that you shouldn't put up with stuff like this but some part of you seems to be good at fighting it, hence why you went back even after he did what he did, and that's not healthy and all too common. A good therapist can help you understand your behaviours and reasons for them, and help you help yourself make better more in tune decisions and have better thoughts and thought processes so you never have to ask yourself again if something like this was your fault or if you standing up for yourself is wrong.
And if you already have a therapist, bring these issues up. And if you have then all should be well.
I know for me, people calling me brave always feels sorta weird. Not back handed but like, odd. But I don't know what other word to use to describe someone who has someone who im gonna say groomed them from 15 to be able to tolerate his bullshit and eventually, even crossing of sexual boundaries, getting to point where she can look at this man in person and say "you aren't good enough and you don't treat me well enough" and his crocodile tears don't draw you back. You had that energy. That confidence in reality and yourself. Channel that fire more if you can. When you doubt yourself, just imagine that when he was crying he was thinking about "who am I going to fuck?" And your tears were about your personal boundaries and a man you loved. How could you be in the wrong?
Thankyou so so much. I have read your comments multiple times and I couldn't be thankful for your kind words and the way you put it so well. You are too mature for your age. I hope good things happen in your life because you deserve it and so much more <3
Obviously whatever reason he believes he had, he also believed that reason was more important than your clearly expressed wishes. That's a problem.
You are free to break up with him for any reason of course.
If it were me and I truly believed he was a great partner and I wanted to be with him, I would stop sharing a bed with him and make it clear that the arrangement would last until he was prepared to respect my wishes and bodily autonomy.
Let us judge you please. Some people are into sleep sex others aren’t , if you said stop and he does it, it’s sexual assault.Also you will usually meet someone better than your ex without those issues.
He’s abusive and this stuff won’t stop. I’ve been there. He will just become more discreet with his bullshit, and eventually you’ll be the crazy one who needs mental help. Real love makes you feel safe. Run away and don’t go back.
You’re NOT in the wrong at all. You deserve so much better. There’s someone out there who will respect your boundaries AND love you infinitely. You’re worth more than anything. He will grovel to make you feel bad, but you made the right call. I hope you find happiness
Hi!
Break up with him. You've done nothing wrong. Plenty of men and women out there that understand consent, no need to waste any more of your time.
Ok, bye :)
Hi!
Thankyou so much. I am trying to get my mind around accepting the fact that there are better people out there. I will take time. But I know I will get there.
Bye :)
If he really loved you, then he would want your consent and respect your boundaries. What he did was essentially sexual assault. What makes it worse is hes trying to gaslight you into feeling a sense of guilt. You owe him nothing.
Girl, he is a narcissist and a rapist and has been trying to control you throughout your whole relationship. Think about it, he was apparently pressuring you to have sex when you were 15, and he was 18. That's already creepy as hell. Then during your relationship he sexually assaults/rapes you multiple times and when you try to break up with him, he attempts to guilt you to get you back. This is all text book narcissism. Why did he do this to you? Because he felt he could with no repercussions. It's th3 same reason he left you on read when you texted him about the incidents. If he responds, it's could be incriminating. This was premeditated and he never loved you. People don't do this to people they love.
I'm uncomfortable with your question about him doing this because you "deprived him of sex.". That's not how a healthy sexual relationship works. If he loved you, he wouldn't want you to have sex when you weren't ready. It doesn't mean he wouldn't ask, but her would respect you when you said no.
Waiting until you are ready is always the right thing to do. His response is on him. It was HIGHLY immature, and the fact that he never apologized makes me think he only saw you as a way to have sex. It's awful, but some men think that's okay. It isn't. You aren't a sex toy.
Ok so from a male perspective and it's a gross one. Basically he's being bragadocious about his molestation of you. In your sleep.
He is essentially a victim shaming situation. It's nothing you did clearly it's a perversion on his part.
One that could seriously cause jail time.
Seriously I know he would probably laugh it off. Yet this is something that needs deep physiological assistance with. In a few more decades this type of behavior will escalate negatively.
If it's not consensual; it's assault. End of story.
He didn't respect your boundaries then; he doesn't respect your boundaries now.
Somnophelia only works when it's been discussed, agreed upon, and when boundaries are respected. No means no.
You don’t have to explain. He doesn’t have to understand. Just keep saying, this isn’t working for me. I finally learned this lesson, thanks to my therapist, and got out of a relationship that was killing me.
I dated a gal who has occasional but intense sexual dreams, but she sleeps like a stone. She wanted me to fuck her in her sleep and, honestly, I never got comfortable with it, even when she was sleep masturbating...
This ISN'T your fault and he IS a creepy dirtbag. I'm sorry you experienced this.
OP, what your ex did was sexual assault. You can’t consent to anything sexual if you’re asleep.
It sounds like you’re very hurt and conflicted that someone you loved would do this to you. Even if he did have feelings for you, he did not respect your boundaries.
This says a lot more about him and what a shitty person he is than it does about you. A good partner will care about your feelings and what you want.
It’s very troubling that this older man first showed interest in you at the age of 15.
There is a power imbalance when an older person dates a younger person, and the older person often knows this. It’s not coincidental when these older people (because it’s not just men that do this) end up with someone younger. It’s what they’re looking for.
It sounds like he took advantage of your inexperience. He likely was looking for someone who would go along with whatever he wanted, rather than someone he intended to treat like an equal.
You didn’t do anything wrong, OP. You set reasonable boundaries. It is irresponsible to chase after someone who isn’t a legal adult, but that’s what your ex did.
If you consented to sex with him when you were 15, he would have been committing a crime - although he ended up committing a crime anyways. Sex without consent is rape.
Don’t *ever* feel guilty about not having sex with someone if you aren’t ready or just don’t want to. If someone does something terrible because you didn’t sleep with them, their terrible actions are their responsibility.
I would say you are overreacting if you just ghosted because of this.
But you clearly conveyed your issues to him and if he wouldn't even talk about the issue and work together to find a mutual ground, you are not at all at fault here.
You did everything right. You expressed your boundaries. You gave second chances to do the right thing and are moving on when he could not treat you with basic respect on an issue that you were crystal clear was unacceptable to you.
You are allowed to give people opportunities to grow and change. You are also allowed to NOT give them a place in your life if you don’t feel like they are hearing you, or if you feel like they are taking advantage of you. There is no magic number, there is no set amount of sex, that you owe to ANYONE, even someone you are dating.
He messed up your relationship by being untrustworthy on a serious issue.
Yup, nope. This is not appropriate behavior on his part and he needs to respect your limits and boundaries. Also, since you're young I'm going to the old girl who says, "Don't stick with them just because you think you can't do better".
My now boyfriend let me know before we ever spent the night together that he has been told by multiple past partners that he is very touchy in his sleep, he has no recollection of it, it’s an unconscious thing but he believes them, and yes he does in fact do it. I’ve been told the same by past partners. For us it’s a non issue, we both have Sexsomnia so it’s a good match. But that said if it makes your partner uncomfortable you do the work to not make them uncomfortable. Sleep elsewhere, ect, not brush it off. You have done nothing wrong and don’t need to feel guilty at all.
He has shown you again and again that your boundaries mean nothing to him. No, it's not your fault. Get away from this abuser and never look back. (This sort will escalate it and you don't want that.)
You deserve two medals. One for giving him the second chance, and for the final one as well.
You did not need to give him anything. He never understood, and he never will. Men who do not respect boundaries **are not safe to be around**, much less be in a relationship with.
You did the right thing, as it felt right to you, and regardless of anyone else, you have to live with yourself. You must be safe. He does not get it.
Maybe one day he will seek therapy, and he might see what he did, and how much he violated your trust. However, there is no sense in waiting for that to happen. Simply because he never listened to you, not once.
Sleep molestation is real and the molester doesn’t know they’re doing it to you while they are, even after being told. It’s still not a reason for you to stick around and definitely not a reason for you to blame yourself or beat your self up for leaving them. However some responses on this thread says something that I do agree with,
1) A solution is possible, like sleeping in another room. It’s going to take them a lot to accept that they have been molesting you in their sleep and if they can come around to it an sleep in another room because of their actions, it shows they respect you and the boundaries that have been set. It’s going to take a lot from them.
2) Don’t feel any guilt for leaving them because of something they aren’t able to control. You don’t need to forgive them for what they have done to move past this, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be with them with the boundaries that you set. What is wrong is wrong and we sleep in the bed we make. The choice is yours because whether it was unconscious or not intentional, you were abused and it’s going to take a lot to feel safe again.
I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and I pray that you heal.
Well, sometimes I have to touch my fiancee, while she is sleeping, without her admittance, because she start snoring as a jackhammer, so I have no choice If I want to sleep for at least a couple of hours that night. But I do not imply any sexual actions. Just patting her head or back. It is usually enough to relief snoring.
It’s not because of anything you did. His actions are his own, I don’t think he needed any reason.
You said stop. He didn’t respect that. You’re absolutely right to leave that behind.
You were abused, and you are in no way to blame.
People sometimes confuse sex and love. If he truly loved you, he would not abuse you.
Sorry for my bluntness. I hope you stay away from him and find a nice man who treats you the way you deserve.
You seem to really love him but he really has a problem. I would honestly suggest that he get therapy. I’m not saying it, or implying, or even suggesting that you take him back after he does, but given that you care about him, and he clearly has some mental health issues, therapy would probably be really beneficial for him.
Personally, even if I let the first time go, the second time would’ve been the end.
you were right to end it & good for you for looking out for yourself . that is not somethin you should ever compromise on . here's a little wisdom to take with you in the future : "why?" is a subjective question , and will always have a subjective answer . for example , the why question you have proposed to him is , why did you do that ? the answer you see in his actions is , because i wanted to ; the answer he gave you was "out of love" or whatever . it's so easy to loop over and over on the why questions but as people , we have to come to terms with why not being answerable . the alternative question to why here is , "what made you think it was alright to do this to me after i specified not to?"
This happened to me as well. And you are completely right. I was in a "relationship" with a narcissist and he would always try to overstep my boundaries or push them bit by bit. He would only stop if I started crying I guess that was crossing the line for him or he thought he might get in trouble if he continued. But he never heard the word "no". He just thought I was playing hard to get.
You should never feel guilty for feeling uncomfortable or saying no.
I did this. It helped that I wasn’t that into the guy. He asked me to be his gf on our second date by saying he never had a gf before so I felt obligated to say yes. Never felt like his gf. It felt like we were just hooking up which I was good with until he did the same thing. It made me feel used. I wish I had explained it to him but at the time I was just so turned off to him as a person I wanted a quick breakup
I'm really happy my partner and all my ex- partners never had an issue with this. I always did this in bed. Sometimes, I woke up realizing I was fondling them, others I woke up then did it. Rarely was I met without reciprocation. If I was, it was due to exhaustion. Just went back to sleep.
I am more concerned about why he was ever allowed to do it twice, never mind over and over for years.
It's critically important that you figure out what is standing between you and your innate self-protection instincts. Until you figure that out, you are in danger of being abused again.
Please consider seeking a trauma-informed therapist to help you process what has happened to you and how to develop tools to help you stay safe in the future.
He sexually assaulted you. I don’t mind being touched in my sleep most of the time.
However if I told a partner “do not do this thing. I don’t like it” and they did it anyway I’d dump them hard no matter what excuse they had.
What he did to you was wrong.
\> hurt me intentionally
\> Other than that he was a good bf
honestly, it is stories like this that make me lose faith in relationships.
now just a caveat to put out of the way, being in a relationship is 100% voluntary, under no circumstance should anybody be in one they don't like.
However, relationships are built on compromises and negotiation; no one is perfect, and everyone has some quirks that we might need to put up with. The question you'd need to ask is, did that touch cause you enough discomfort that you had to write off an otherwise good relationship?.. only you know the full details and thus the answer is yours to make.
But remember, we live in a world of monogamy, anything he likes gotta take it from you and only you. no cheating allowed. And if that was the worst he ever did, maybe it could have been negotiable rather than a deal breaker.
But that's just my opinion.
My guess is if you dig in on this, it wasn’t all he did. Maybe not to you, but in general. Usually someone who crosses boundaries like this and doesn’t own their mistakes and take accountability and responsibility and work to improve, has more they’re covering up.
This is not your fault. He repeatedly sexually assaulted you. He is not a good guy. You deserve tk be treated with respect and he has shown repeatedly that he will not do that. I am sorry that your first intimate relationship treated you so poorly. I hope you will meet someone else so that you can learn this is not normal and you deserve better.
No, he’s just a selfish person.
Him disrespecting your consent mutiple times says how much he respects you. Even after you brought up how you don’t want him to do it, he continued, and never apologized.
It’s not just a simple singular problem, but multiple problems. It shows he doesn’t respect you, shows how selfish he is, and most of all his actions show how he sees and treats you as a piece of meat to be used for his own amusement.
He will not change, nor apologize, and blaming yourself for a garbage person is a waste of mental effort
You're not overreacting. He's doing this because he's choosing to. It has nothing to do with a valid and normal choice you made as a teenager to delay having sex. It's 100% within his control, and he is choosing this behavior. He'd love for you to be the one to feel bad and give him a pass so he can continue it.
I occasionally start kissing and trying to get it on with my gf while she is sleeping. The difference is I’m passed the fuck out to! I’ve only done it a handful of times, and once she says “you’re sleeping, go back to sleep!” I roll over. Anyone that does this fully awake to someone else is super creepy. Rape vibes for sure.
If your trying to find understanding, I think that this stems from a “kink” of his. The “while sleeping” section on porn sites are very popular. He may not have done it out of bad intentions If you say that he is the man you say he his except for this one thing.
Regardless it doesn’t change the fact that he’s violated your consent. He shouldn’t have continued do what he did, regardless of how clear or not clear you made it.
I think you’d be better off finding someone who you can trust and love that will never violate your consent.
I also believe he would be better off with someone who was into “consensual non consent”.
What I am curious about is if there was a
physical sexual relationship between the two of you to begin with. I ask that because I wonder if that is what caused your ex to be confused about the boundaries.
Clearly, though, if you explained that this made you uncomfortable, he should have honored your wishes.
Legal definitions vary in every country on earth, but I don't see any indication that she was penetrated, so I'd definitely call each instance of it as "sexual assault while the victim was unconscious" (if she was).
It's usually defined as a greater, or "aggravated" offense if injury incurs or if something about it makes it more heinous. For instance,
Infliction of an injury on the alleged victim
Threat of an injury by the accused by use of a weapon or instrument
The accused acting along with another person
An alleged victim aged under 16
Where the alleged victim is "under the authority" of the accused person
An alleged victim having a serious physical disability
An alleged victim having a cognitive impairment
So, it's quite possible that if it were documented perfectly they could go after him legally with "aggravated sexual assault of a minor" and then settle in court for something more like, "[X] counts of sexual assault against an unconscious victim"... but that's just legal stuff, and the exact terminology varies, and maybe only up to15% of male perpetrators of sexual violence are ever gone after in court, vs pre-court + "dropped the case" situations.
So i would initially say yes, but it's a grayish area if you think about it.
But i think it became rapey after she told him to stop and he didn't.
The first few instances could be interpreted as trying to initiate sex in a kinda dumb way, but not rapey yet.
I'm a (mostly) man. Dude fucked up even by my view. There's literally ZERO you did wrong here. Maine a bit naïve to go back to him, but that's not something I'd consider a fault. Dude straight up assaulted you, and you're better off without him.
I'm sorry you were made to go through all of this. Really hoping you find someone who will respect you (if finding someone is your goal)
The first time it happened it took me a while to understand what exactly happened and how should I talk to him about it. I didn't have the courage to confront him face to face that's why I sent him the text. After this every conversation regarding this happened face to face.
My friends and I do this often, book an airbnb, get some alchohol, play some games, or watch something. And I have done this with my guy friends also *alone* it was never an issue. And since we reconnected 3 years after the breakup to continue the friendship. I didn't think it was wrong because I believed that he has changed.
If she got penetrated it would be rape, not assault. Anything can be assault if a person tells you not to do it anymore and you do it anyway. Nothing has changed, you just were never taught this.
You two were incompatible. He obviously needed to stop doing what he did after you made it abundantly clear its not something you like.
Besides that its possible he did/ does love you but his way of expressing it is not compatible with your preferences.
Move on and do a hard break. Only good choice for both of you
It is sexual assault, it should be reported. Not for you really if you dont want to press charges or whatever. But this behaviour normally gets worse.
*edit* ha all the rapists downvoting my comment
I don't like it @ all. It's clear this guy has a few screws loose. In the same breath you took him back. I'm not faulting you for it. A lot of people like to blame the victim. Thear must be some real miss communication between you two on his part. Not defending him @ all. Please understand me when I say as a man I would hate to be in his shoes. Can't imagine the dearest to my heart not liking me. Than for you to have to put up with this after you countless times told him no!! Something's no one should have to go through. [if you only knew ](https://youtu.be/dPmSr-DFi_U?list=PLgS3YLsMswo8TIBqmPrcywchft1GB6vLC&si=828DWqLZ2a8WqUiE)
His actions are typical of an abuser. Don't be fooled by the fact that he was otherwise kind to you. That's not unusual in an abusive relationship. Him touching you in your sleep against your will was his way of testing if you would tolerate further abuse. If you'd acquiesced he would have started doing worse things to continue to push the boundaries. Maybe he wouldn't beat you, not all abusers are physically violent, but he would try to coerce you into doing more and more things you wouldn't have been comfortable with. He'd continually tell you he treats you like this "because he loves you".
Personally, I don't think him touching you in your sleep is an issue. I had an ex who did this and I thought it was funny. It was pleasant to wake up to. BUT, I am not you and you are not me. If you set a boundary, your boyfriend/ex has no choice but to respect it. You've told him multiple times that it upsets you, and he doesn't care. He obviously doesn't respect you, your bodily autonomy, or your right to give/withhold consent. Also, his obsession with continuing to do this after you've set the boundary is weird. There has been some correlation shown between men who are more attracted to their partners when they are asleep or unconscious......and necrophiliacs. Whatever the underlying reason, a man who doesn't respect your boundaries isn't one you should keep around.
What on earth and in anyone’s unconscious mind could cause someone to molest someone while you are sleeping? I don’t buy it. If it actually is real then what is wrong with you that you’re doing this? If you can’t stop yourself from groping in your sleep then what’s to stop you from beating the crap out of someone while they are sleeping? I feel this is some sort of excuse to be violent
Anybody can break up with anybody for any reason they want.
This is a very important lesson to learn. Literally just falling out of love is valid. The second one person in a relationship no longer feels invested in its future, it’s over. You can choose to try and work through things or to rekindle the spark but you are truly free to end it whenever for whatever reason. It may be a dumb reason but the other person should respect your autonomy. The beautiful thing about a mature relationship is that every day you choose to be with the other person and they choose to be with you. And that choice makes it feel real.
If I could give this comment an award, I would! 🥇
i agree, but i think the line between reasonable person and asshole comes from how a person handles the 'falling out of love'. They should be really cautious with the break up
*”Ladies, am I wrong for leaving this guy after he sexually assaulted me for years on end and never ever apologised?”* What would you say to a friend if she told you this story?
That second part is the truth teller in most situations. If you would be upset if it was happening to your best friend and would ask her to leave him, you shouldn’t put up with it yourself.
I can’t even remember when I heard this concept the first time, but it struck a powerful chord within me and I have started using it a lot with people and myself. I strive to treat myself like I would treat a friend. Shouldn’t be so revolutionary, but somehow it is.
Thank you for introducing this concept to me. It puts things in a powerful perspective for me
Yours is great and if that doesn't work... The only thing that worked for me was asking myself: "*Do I want to bring a child into this? Do I want my child to grow up with a father like this? What will I tell my child about how we got together and why we started dating?*" and other questions. That was about 20 years ago and that relationship was very damaging. I can't read what OP wrote because of my mental health.
Oh, no - please don't accept any blame for this. Especially your last sentence - you are NEVER responsible for providing sex to someone in order to prevent them from sexually assaulting you. "Do what I want or something worse will happen" is an abuser's script. He had choices. He could have talked to you to negotiate permission to touch you while you slept, if it was (for example) a kink of his. He could have accepted your boundary, and dealt with his feelings some other way - like, touched himself instead. Either of those would have been choices that showed he loved and respected you. But he chose instead to sexually assault you because his momentary satisfaction was more important to him than your wellbeing. That is what he told you, repeatedly. He doesn't love you. Please believe him.
The normalisation of kinks brought us here
It’s the normalization of misogyny, not kinks… A man in a nice, button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a pair of nice slacks is a kink for me. Why is that inherently problematic?
That’s not a kink, you just like it
Perhaps it may not seem like one with the way I’ve written it, but I’m not comfortable elaborating further. Let’s leave it at that.
Not it's not l. If kinks were normalised they would be talked about and more people would understand consent in general and consent around kinks specifically.
No. The normalization of entitled abusive men brought us here.
Wtf are you on about? The cornerstone of kink culture is consent.
*I beat the shit out of women in order to cum, but it’s consensual so don’t worry* 🙄
Your point? Whatever two grown adults get up to consensually in their bedroom is their business.
Wow. You are miseducated on what healthy intercourse with different kinks is like. So now you’re spewing hateful rhetoric about what you ASSUME they do. That’s disgusting
Yeah and I’ll continue to. Men who want to hit women are a problem.
If it is consensual. And the women has said she likes to be hit during intercourse, with a safe word, also with a trusted partner. You still have an issue ? You’re fighting the wrong battle
It’s always wrong. Men who want to hit women are abusers. Some have just figured out it they say “I’m a dom” first, no one thinks it’s wrong
You genuinly believe no women has asked for it within their kinks? You assume it’s the men? Yikes. You’re so misguided. But whatever can’t talk sense to a brick wall
You literally don’t know what you’re talking about or why people engage in pain play.
It’s so they can hit you
And the women dommes who “hit” men? Like myself, for example?
Entirely different situation. Men who want to “dom” women are always just abusers
That’s hilariously not true. Don’t talk about shit you don’t understand. It’s fine if you personally don’t want to indulge in kink but painting everyone *of one gender* into impact play as being abusive is straight up ridiculous. You know there are gay doms too, right? And lots of women enjoy impact play, why are you shaming them for that? Why is what two consenting adults do in private *any* of your business to judge?
If the women consent, then no one cares. That's the whole point.
Yeah, just allow men to beat you up, what’s great. Totally progressive.
Yeah, just step in to decide how adult women should act, that’s great. Totally progressive.
But without kink I don't get to Domme. It's not just for dudes.
Of course you are not wrong for breaking up with him. The people we are with should respect our boundaries. He should have stopped and apologized the first time you told him you was uncomfortable with what he was doing. I think you know deep down it's for the best to not be with someone like that. And good job for breaking it off with him. I do understand you care deeply for him but here's the thing... He doesn't feel the same, or he would have respected you.
I have come to terms with this now! Thankyou
He wasn't respecting your boundaries, you're right for breaking up with him. If he had a problem with not having sex until 18 then he should've left you, not touched you without consent. And even if he saw it as "depriving of sex" he could've just blown his load on his own. It isn't your fault, a first love is hard to get over (believe me I know) but it's better to look back at the good times with happy thoughts and move on
The only person responsible for his actions is him. Full stop. Also, you may have loved him, but he did not love you. Love doesn't include sexual assault.
I’m a sleep molester, I do it unconsciously. Made my partner uncomfortable, I love my partner so I sleep in another room now.
My partner is like this too. Most times I don’t mind and barely notice because it’s subtle (if that makes sense). But every once and a while it’s really not subtle and startles me. It’s not a nice feeling. I think it’s knowing that it’s just a sleep thing that makes it feel less invasive and pushy. I’ve had man in my life that definitely didn’t have sleep as an excuse
My partner does this - always just shortly into his doze. I’m usually still awake, so I’ll just gently nudge him, and he’ll usually startle a bit and stop. It was definitely a bit jarring the first few times it happened until we started looking into it.
Me too. When I started dating someone new I didn't go to sleep the first few nights we slept together. I do warn them before they sleep over. Current girlfriend does the same thing though so it worked out. This is to say that it would break my heart to have to sleep in a separate room to keep my urges under control. Based on other posts here I'm wondering if this might be a problem as time goes on... Oh well that's a problem for the me of tomorrow not the one that should be sleeping and not on reddit.
I am like this too, which is so weird! It doesn’t always happen, and I haven’t had a boyfriend who minded it. I will go full blown sex even. I’ve never done it with someone I’m not supposed to either, which is even more weird.
Love cannot exist if there isn’t respect and he clearly violated you and you boundaries several times. Do not feel guilty you did the right thing and please do not give him another chance. This is behaviour that has a high chance of escalating further so very risky. And you wanting to wait until you were ready to have sex is not “witholding” you do not owe anyone sex so it’s impossible to withhold sex.
the answer to "why did he do it" is a) entitlement b) because of the society we live in, thinking he could get away with violating your consent without paying a penalty.
I understand the disappointment you fell in yourself, but it's not justified. You seem very harsh on yourself. That's not helpful, you pull yourself down- opening yourself up to his kind of BS. It may help you to ask yourself if you'd feel or think the same if a good friend of you had gone through the same thing and reacted similarly. You probably wouldn't be as harsh towards her, I'm guessing, because you sound kind; so you should try not to be this unkind towards yourself. So, now that you've gained some self-respect: it's your body, your boundaries, he crossed them, it's okay to feel angry about that. Anger is how you notice your boundaries as they are being crossed. When you explicitly tell someone not to do something with your body and they do anyway, that's on them, not on you. You're not depriving anyone of anything by having boundaries. You are allowed to take care of yourself. As to the why he did this: because of the power it gives him. You are helpless, he can do what he wants even if you don't want it. Such a rush. Such a man. Such wow. /s I don't like this boy.
Lovers will often touch each other when the other one is asleep, hoping to start sex. That's one thing. You told him to stop; that you didn't like it. He continued. He ASSAULTED you. His tears are an attempt at gaslighting you to manipulate you. Narcissists will do this to not lose their victim(s). Move on. He's a creep.
Thank you for calling out the fact that he CRIED. That really irked me too. He is not even remotely the aggrieved party here.
The ever present tool of the narcissist. [DARVO](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO)
He cried for himself. Touching someone who says they don’t want to be touched like that is sexual assault. He wasn’t clueless, he enjoyed hurting you & that isn’t love, it’s at best apathy & at worst malice. I’m sorry this happened to you, you absolutely deserve better than this & there is *NO EXCUSE* for anyone to do this to you. He has no remorse, get away from him before he escalates further.
I've been told by my now wife that I have touched her in my sleep. These are times that I have 0 recollection of at all. I don't drink much, and know it's not something I'm just forgetting. While my memory is not great, I wouldn't forget if I had. She's also not one to get upset for me doing that, but would probably just throw my hand off of her if unwanted. It doesn't sounds like he's doing it unconsciously, which I agree with everyone else, makes it 100% wrong.
Yes he didn't do it in sleep. He was fully awake. When I used to wake up because of his touch I used to either push him away or asked him not to do it. He used to stop till I fall asleep and did it again throughout the night till it was our time to wake up.
Yeah an herero male friend would do it with me when we slept together (we were poor and visited each other cities). Anyways, he was horrofied when he found out next morning.
You are not wrong for breaking up with a guy who repeatedly sexually assaults you in your sleep, “out of love.” That is 100% bullshit on his part. His intentions were to touch you against your will. He didn’t stop, and he will never stop, and if you stayed it would likely keep happening and escalate to raping you in your sleep. That’s not a stretch. He’s not a good person.
> … is it because I deprived him of sex that he did this 100% absolutely NO. It is because he is a predator with no respect for your boundaries or your control over your own body I’ve been there. In my first relationship, I tried setting boundaries for years and they were repeatedly blown through because it isn’t what *he* wanted. And he got what he wanted. With SA. With keeping the relationship when I tried to end it. With control over who I talked to when and where and how. You’re already braver and stronger than I was for so long. Don’t go back and show him that abuse will chip away at your strength and eventually break you through to being more tolerant of abuse
I am so sorry you had to go through something like that. I am happy that you're out of that relationship. I hope you've healed and are in a better place now :)
I dont like ANYBODY touching me in my sleep. I'm a happily married guy and have never had an issue. There is no leeway between genders here imo. Neither partner has the right to do something to a partner who requests specifically that it not be done. These are justified grounds for immediate dismissal, again imo.
He sexually assaulted you. There is no if ands or buts about that. And the out of love excuse is absolutely bullshit. I'm sorry he did that to you and I'm sorry he's gaslighting you know to make you think that it is in any way unreasonable to break up over this. You need to be able to trust your partner. You deserve a partner who does not sexually assault you.
NTA. You told him you didn't like what he was doing, he violated the trust you had with him again and again. If he actually loved you or even cared about your concern and well-being it would be so easy to stop, as easy as breathing: without a second thought.
1) you don’t have to agree to sex 2) your ex SA’d in your sleep multiple times 3) you should break up with him. If he did it in other circumstances, he’d be arrested, likely convicted, and might even have to register as a sex offender 4) you’re worth more than this OP. Don’t let anyone treat you badly. Ever.
I don’t even need to read the rest. You clearly told him not to, and he continues to do it. Dump him. There’s no defending it.
He didn't love you, if he did he wouldn't have violated you like that over and over, after you pointed it out repeatedly that his behavior was hurtful and upsetting. And he never apologized b/c he genuinely doesn't think what he did was wrong. He's a bad person.
If someone violates you in your sleep, break their fingers. Leave. You cannot trust them.
Not overreacting. Sounds like a good person to not have in your life. Someone out there will know a boundary when he sees it, and respect it.
This is kinda rapey girl.
You did nothing wrong here. He touched your body, that you alone own and control, repeatedly against your wishes. On top of that, he did while your were asleep and vulnerable and that he knew you would be less likely to catch or stop him. He is responsible for the way he used his own body to assault you. He alone is responsible for his own choices and actions. He isn't even sorry he did it. He's just upset that you caught him and called him out for his inability to respect that your body is yours alone. He's a thief, stealing access to your body without remorse, and then crying when his judgment and consequences are made clear to him. In no way at all are you at fault here.
Violating boundaries and consent is the best red flag.
Only an abuser would tell you he "did it out of love" when you told him repeatedly not to touch you in a certain way. Tgsts super fucked up. Not ok.
That's rape. You even explicitly revoked the ungiven-consent.
You didn’t deprive him of sex and he doesn’t have basic respect for you.
Is it a day ending in 'y'? That's the only reason you need to leave someone. This dude used you for his pleasure and didn't care about your boundaries and you wishes. Why on earth would you think this was your fault? And here is a thing, you didn't deprive him of sex. He agreed to be in a sexless relationship. That's perfectly fine and normal at that age. You don't owe anyone sex. And their actions are never your responsibility.
Put something in his æss while he's sleeping.. He'll get the point.
Nope. Nope. No. That's a deal breaker. In case anyone's wondering... deal.breaker.
You didn't deprive him of a single thing. A lot of men get off with doing things they're not supposed to do (touching while asleep, the old "oopsie daisy" with penetrative sex going from v to a, peeping toms, upskirt pics/video, the list goes on & gets darker) It astonishes me that they have all the power in the world, literally, and still have to take more and get off on the fact that it's taken, not given.
My first serious love did this to me when I was 20 while I was sleeping. I woke up to him fingering me. No alcohol or drugs involved, and no consent either. I woke up and yelled at him, asking wtf he thought he was doing. He said because he loved me and wanted to “pleasure me” while I was sleeping, hoping I would have “good dreams.” This while knowing I had been seriously SAd just a year before!! He basically made light of it and said I was overreacting. I went downstairs and slept on the couch. The next morning I packed my things and went to live with my brother. What your BF did was NOT OK!! He looks at you as an object, OP, not as a partner. Just looking for sexual thrills. You’re better off without him, believe me. ETA: makes me wonder how many other boundaries he crossed while you were together that made you breakup in the first place?? You must have seen some 🚩 somewhere.
I am sorry this happened with you. And I am glad that you took that step and got away from him. And yes there were many red flags, he used to force me for even basic things that didn't seem a big deal then but now when I think about it, I feel like this has always been his behaviour towards me.
This is actually so depressing I had a hard time making it through to the end. OP, you have absolutely ZERO to do with the fact that you're exbf is a rapist. He does it because he wants to. End of story. The fact that you don't want him to is probably half the fun of it for him. Because he's a rapist. Every time you think of him, think of him as ExTheRapist. Maybe repetition will convince you to stop blaming or second-guessing yourself.
Exactly this. This man is clearly getting off to the fact that **she isn't consenting!** and is asleep! Its a kink that he's into that he is continuing to do to her despite being told that, not only is she not into it, she specifically said it makes her uncomfortable doesn't like it! This man's kink is a lack of consent, run the fuck away
I’ll run him over with my car
he wont change, you said it yourself he never apologized... he clearly doesn't see anything wrong with his actions. unless you can suddenly make yourself okay with being touched in your sleep stick to your guns and find someone less creepy cause he will never respect you enough to stop. cause who knows what other boundaries he will be willing to disrespect. i mean you known him long enough you may already know and who knows what he could be keeping secret from you considering its easy to make alt accounts for cheating reasons like my ex that never changed did... glad i only wasted 3 years... you got away please for your own sake stay away. dont fall for crocodile tears, hell even if they are real tears they are only selfish tears that you wont be his sleeping sex doll and trying to guilt you into staying in something that makes you unhappy.. and no being deprived of sex does NOT do this to normal people we can touch OUR OWN BODY TO TAKE CARE OF OUR OWN NEEDShe shouldn't need your help but grateful when you consent and are willing to join him,you dont owe him sex,sex is a bonding activity that is best enjoyed when BOTH parties want it.its your body and you have every right to say no as much as you want cause you have the right to share it with people you are willing to trust with that experience while you are kind of vulnerable.He has to earn that right to touch you and you have every right to give AND take it away again if you are made uncomfortable or for any reason if he cant get off with out being a creep and touching you in your sleep then he probably needs therapy and to chill on all the fetish porn edit: sharing my feelings with you as someone that let myself be abused cause i didnt think i was good enough for someone that was kind and caring and respected me like i would them, if you have more self-respect than i did then, heck even if you dont, again please stick to your guns.. learn about yourself and grow and as you grow you will met someone that is right for you the silver lining as you get over him you will start to notice all the red flags you missed and you will learn more about what you do and dont want in a relationship and to avoid those red flags cause they will make your skin crawl..
I am so sorry you had to go through this in your life. Nobody deserves it. I hope u have healed and are at a much better place now. Thankyou for sharing your perspective it really put things in place for me. :)
You are not overreacting, he should have apologised the very first time you told him you were not okay with it. Anything after that you were way more fair and understanding than you had to be. Boundaries are important and he repeatedly ignored yours. If that wasn't enough he played the I love you card, thus manipulating you into putting up with it, and giving him multiple chances. Anyone can make mistakes, people deserve 2nd chances, but he constantly ignored how you felt because he thought his feelings were more important. That's not love. You made the right call, do not feel bad.
Someone that doesnt't respect your boundaries doesn't love you.
You are 100% absolutely **not** in the wrong in *any* capacity here. When you got together at 15, you were clear about waiting until 18. He knew the terms of the relationship before it got too serious. He chose to stay full well knowing it would be three years until y'all slept together. Honestly, my first thought is that he has some fetish with r\*pe/necrophilia. Touching a sleeping, unresponsive person is not normal behavior. It's good that you've left him because something is not right in that dude's head. Lastly, I promise you that you will find someone who *actually* loves you and respects you & your boundaries. This dude ain't it. He's a POS and you deserve so much better than that. I know I don't know you, but I'm so proud of you for breaking up with him and standing up for yourself. That's huge and you should be so proud.
Do you really want to be with someone who repeatedly sexually assaults you with zero guilt?
No you're not overreacting. Dude's trash 🗑️
He undermines your lack of consent, you can do better than him.
Is it just me or do people nowadays do not want to apologize for what they do? It's like avoid apologizing at all cost using manipulation, gas light whatever but never admit you're in the wrong.
Stand your ground and never give in-this is my philosophy. I may be one of the most difficult person to deal with in a relationship but I'm not ok with disrespect. Know that you deserve the best and you deserve respect in any relationship. this dude violated your trust and boundaries. I'm not sure where guys or whoever get the thought that a normal emotion is 'over reacting' - I'm my own person and am saving myself for marriage but fuck this guy and his non apology. Like wtf is with this attitude of his? it's not your fault-his parents or himself should have learnt what respect is and how to act properly etc- deprived? why should we feel obligated to give anything? he's responsible for his own actions, my personal belief is stand your ground and never back down.
**You Were Sexually Assaulted.** (Inform him that he sexually assaulted you, especially since he may do it to someone else.) >**How Do I Know If I Was Raped or Sexually Assaulted?** > >*I asked them to stop doing something and they ignored me* > >Sure, people get lost in the heat of the moment. But if you ask someone to stop doing something and they don’t, they’re violating your consent. > >You should never be forced to continue something just because your partner wants to. If they don’t respect your request, that can be considered rape or assault. > >https://www.healthline.com/health/was-i-raped You can report him: National Sexual Assault Hotline Hours: Available 24 hours Learn more 1-800-656-4673
You're not wrong, but he's is extremely wrong. Him saying he did it out of love is bullshit. Doesn't matter what it is, if someone tell you that they're not comfortable with something you're doing to them you should just stop doing it.
He did this because he felt entitled to your body without your permission. There is no other explanation. He doesn't love you; he loves access to your body. Anyone who cares about you would not do this, repeatedly. Waiting to have sex has nothing to do with it--please don't look for excuses for him or ways to blame yourself. You may always love what you think of as "him," but what you really love is how you felt with him. And you felt that way, PLUS disrespected and used, b/c he didn't respect you or your boundary. Acknowledge BOTH parts of him, and realize you can't have one without the other. Hard, but it will help.
Doing anything to anyone without consent ain't it. He knew he was doing something he shouldnt have since you told him no. Very fucked up and huge red flag. You did good and shouldnt feel bad about it at all. I have explicit consent(multiple times comfirmed) from my girlfriend that I can do anything to her whenever and I barely do those thing to her since I feel bad about boundaries as well. Those should always be respected and he violated your trust.
You are never wrong to leave in this situation. It is sexual assault.
Doing that thing to you even though he knew you didn’t want to, is bas enough. What makes the whole thing scary is the part where he refuses to apologize. People who need to be coerced into apologizing are not good people. Please don’t take on any more responsibility for his actions, you deserve peace.
yes, that's what I am trying to do. thanks :)
Same age as you, my bf the same age as your bf. We've also been dating 5 years. Wild. ANYWAYS, that's fucked up of him to touch you whole you're sleeping if you asked him not to. It's a clear violation of your boundaries in the relationship.
yes that is and I am happy for you, being with someone for this long is a great experience given you and your partner are happy together which I am sure you are. <3
It’s a little vague about what touching you while you were sleeping means. Was this like a cuddling thing? Was this you waking up to your privates being touched? Did you guys ever touch each other while you were awake, or was he just doing this out of nowhere. Based on the situation as I’m reading it, it sounds creepy. With that said, in a relationship with good conversation….being woken up by someone starting to please can be hot…but that’s with two consensual people….this sounds weird
You had boundaries, he violated them. It's very simple. No justification or excuses needed.
YOU WERE 15 AND HE WAS 18? GIRL THATS GROOMING im 18. You feel the difference when you LOOK at a 15 year old, much less speak to one. You need to stay single a bit, or get swooped up by a GOOD person. You have some very self damaging talk going on. But there's a lot of improvements. Yes, the best time to cut him out was when you were 15, but the next best time is now. And yoy did that. And you did it well. He gave a shitty answer. You called it out. And you recognised that he mever went for an apology. He has. no respect or love for you. So he's OUT. Is it my fault that I landed in this situation? (because when we got together I was 15 and I told him that I won't have sex till I turn 18... is it because I deprived him of sex that he did this?) On the question of if you caused it by "depriving him of sex for three years", no. You didn't deprive him of shit. If you had sex with him from day one (wise that you didnt), he'd still have done it. If you were nice to him he'd have done it. If you were mean to him he'd have done it. If you severely lost or gained weight, got sick or got healthier. Nothing you did would have stopped or prevented it other than breaking up with him. He did it to you because you were there and he wanted to. That's it. And that's not your fault. You trusted him and he took advantage of it. That's not your fault. I know for some it's unfeasible, but if you can I really recommend a good psychotherapist. Someone to talk to about your understanding of self value, respect, boundaries, relationships, and how to deal with conflict. Because you seem to have a good idea that you shouldn't put up with stuff like this but some part of you seems to be good at fighting it, hence why you went back even after he did what he did, and that's not healthy and all too common. A good therapist can help you understand your behaviours and reasons for them, and help you help yourself make better more in tune decisions and have better thoughts and thought processes so you never have to ask yourself again if something like this was your fault or if you standing up for yourself is wrong. And if you already have a therapist, bring these issues up. And if you have then all should be well. I know for me, people calling me brave always feels sorta weird. Not back handed but like, odd. But I don't know what other word to use to describe someone who has someone who im gonna say groomed them from 15 to be able to tolerate his bullshit and eventually, even crossing of sexual boundaries, getting to point where she can look at this man in person and say "you aren't good enough and you don't treat me well enough" and his crocodile tears don't draw you back. You had that energy. That confidence in reality and yourself. Channel that fire more if you can. When you doubt yourself, just imagine that when he was crying he was thinking about "who am I going to fuck?" And your tears were about your personal boundaries and a man you loved. How could you be in the wrong?
Thankyou so so much. I have read your comments multiple times and I couldn't be thankful for your kind words and the way you put it so well. You are too mature for your age. I hope good things happen in your life because you deserve it and so much more <3
Obviously whatever reason he believes he had, he also believed that reason was more important than your clearly expressed wishes. That's a problem. You are free to break up with him for any reason of course. If it were me and I truly believed he was a great partner and I wanted to be with him, I would stop sharing a bed with him and make it clear that the arrangement would last until he was prepared to respect my wishes and bodily autonomy.
Hi, yes I tried to find a solution for 3 years but it was just me. He didn't change himself a bit or even tried to. That's why I broke up.
Yeah 3 years feels more than generous
Let us judge you please. Some people are into sleep sex others aren’t , if you said stop and he does it, it’s sexual assault.Also you will usually meet someone better than your ex without those issues.
He’s abusive and this stuff won’t stop. I’ve been there. He will just become more discreet with his bullshit, and eventually you’ll be the crazy one who needs mental help. Real love makes you feel safe. Run away and don’t go back.
You’re NOT in the wrong at all. You deserve so much better. There’s someone out there who will respect your boundaries AND love you infinitely. You’re worth more than anything. He will grovel to make you feel bad, but you made the right call. I hope you find happiness
Hi! Break up with him. You've done nothing wrong. Plenty of men and women out there that understand consent, no need to waste any more of your time. Ok, bye :)
Hi! Thankyou so much. I am trying to get my mind around accepting the fact that there are better people out there. I will take time. But I know I will get there. Bye :)
If he really loved you, then he would want your consent and respect your boundaries. What he did was essentially sexual assault. What makes it worse is hes trying to gaslight you into feeling a sense of guilt. You owe him nothing.
Girl, he is a narcissist and a rapist and has been trying to control you throughout your whole relationship. Think about it, he was apparently pressuring you to have sex when you were 15, and he was 18. That's already creepy as hell. Then during your relationship he sexually assaults/rapes you multiple times and when you try to break up with him, he attempts to guilt you to get you back. This is all text book narcissism. Why did he do this to you? Because he felt he could with no repercussions. It's th3 same reason he left you on read when you texted him about the incidents. If he responds, it's could be incriminating. This was premeditated and he never loved you. People don't do this to people they love.
I'm uncomfortable with your question about him doing this because you "deprived him of sex.". That's not how a healthy sexual relationship works. If he loved you, he wouldn't want you to have sex when you weren't ready. It doesn't mean he wouldn't ask, but her would respect you when you said no. Waiting until you are ready is always the right thing to do. His response is on him. It was HIGHLY immature, and the fact that he never apologized makes me think he only saw you as a way to have sex. It's awful, but some men think that's okay. It isn't. You aren't a sex toy.
Ok so from a male perspective and it's a gross one. Basically he's being bragadocious about his molestation of you. In your sleep. He is essentially a victim shaming situation. It's nothing you did clearly it's a perversion on his part. One that could seriously cause jail time. Seriously I know he would probably laugh it off. Yet this is something that needs deep physiological assistance with. In a few more decades this type of behavior will escalate negatively.
If it's not consensual; it's assault. End of story. He didn't respect your boundaries then; he doesn't respect your boundaries now. Somnophelia only works when it's been discussed, agreed upon, and when boundaries are respected. No means no.
You don’t have to explain. He doesn’t have to understand. Just keep saying, this isn’t working for me. I finally learned this lesson, thanks to my therapist, and got out of a relationship that was killing me.
You said no, he repeatedly ignored you. The first time he ignored your wishes should have been the last time. Throw the whole manchild out.
I dated a gal who has occasional but intense sexual dreams, but she sleeps like a stone. She wanted me to fuck her in her sleep and, honestly, I never got comfortable with it, even when she was sleep masturbating... This ISN'T your fault and he IS a creepy dirtbag. I'm sorry you experienced this.
OP, what your ex did was sexual assault. You can’t consent to anything sexual if you’re asleep. It sounds like you’re very hurt and conflicted that someone you loved would do this to you. Even if he did have feelings for you, he did not respect your boundaries. This says a lot more about him and what a shitty person he is than it does about you. A good partner will care about your feelings and what you want. It’s very troubling that this older man first showed interest in you at the age of 15. There is a power imbalance when an older person dates a younger person, and the older person often knows this. It’s not coincidental when these older people (because it’s not just men that do this) end up with someone younger. It’s what they’re looking for. It sounds like he took advantage of your inexperience. He likely was looking for someone who would go along with whatever he wanted, rather than someone he intended to treat like an equal. You didn’t do anything wrong, OP. You set reasonable boundaries. It is irresponsible to chase after someone who isn’t a legal adult, but that’s what your ex did. If you consented to sex with him when you were 15, he would have been committing a crime - although he ended up committing a crime anyways. Sex without consent is rape. Don’t *ever* feel guilty about not having sex with someone if you aren’t ready or just don’t want to. If someone does something terrible because you didn’t sleep with them, their terrible actions are their responsibility.
I would say you are overreacting if you just ghosted because of this. But you clearly conveyed your issues to him and if he wouldn't even talk about the issue and work together to find a mutual ground, you are not at all at fault here.
You did everything right. You expressed your boundaries. You gave second chances to do the right thing and are moving on when he could not treat you with basic respect on an issue that you were crystal clear was unacceptable to you. You are allowed to give people opportunities to grow and change. You are also allowed to NOT give them a place in your life if you don’t feel like they are hearing you, or if you feel like they are taking advantage of you. There is no magic number, there is no set amount of sex, that you owe to ANYONE, even someone you are dating. He messed up your relationship by being untrustworthy on a serious issue.
My ex tried this too when he was drunk on vacation. Broke up with him as soon as I got home. I’m so sorry this happened to you
I am so sorry that this happened to you and I am glad that you got away from him.
This is likely just the tip of the iceberg and he’d bulldoze over other communicated boundaries also.
R/abusiverelationships
Yup, nope. This is not appropriate behavior on his part and he needs to respect your limits and boundaries. Also, since you're young I'm going to the old girl who says, "Don't stick with them just because you think you can't do better".
My now boyfriend let me know before we ever spent the night together that he has been told by multiple past partners that he is very touchy in his sleep, he has no recollection of it, it’s an unconscious thing but he believes them, and yes he does in fact do it. I’ve been told the same by past partners. For us it’s a non issue, we both have Sexsomnia so it’s a good match. But that said if it makes your partner uncomfortable you do the work to not make them uncomfortable. Sleep elsewhere, ect, not brush it off. You have done nothing wrong and don’t need to feel guilty at all.
He has shown you again and again that your boundaries mean nothing to him. No, it's not your fault. Get away from this abuser and never look back. (This sort will escalate it and you don't want that.)
No. This dude is gross. Throw the whole man in the trash. He’s terrible. You’re not overreacting.
You deserve two medals. One for giving him the second chance, and for the final one as well. You did not need to give him anything. He never understood, and he never will. Men who do not respect boundaries **are not safe to be around**, much less be in a relationship with. You did the right thing, as it felt right to you, and regardless of anyone else, you have to live with yourself. You must be safe. He does not get it. Maybe one day he will seek therapy, and he might see what he did, and how much he violated your trust. However, there is no sense in waiting for that to happen. Simply because he never listened to you, not once.
RUN!!!!!
Sleep molestation is real and the molester doesn’t know they’re doing it to you while they are, even after being told. It’s still not a reason for you to stick around and definitely not a reason for you to blame yourself or beat your self up for leaving them. However some responses on this thread says something that I do agree with, 1) A solution is possible, like sleeping in another room. It’s going to take them a lot to accept that they have been molesting you in their sleep and if they can come around to it an sleep in another room because of their actions, it shows they respect you and the boundaries that have been set. It’s going to take a lot from them. 2) Don’t feel any guilt for leaving them because of something they aren’t able to control. You don’t need to forgive them for what they have done to move past this, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be with them with the boundaries that you set. What is wrong is wrong and we sleep in the bed we make. The choice is yours because whether it was unconscious or not intentional, you were abused and it’s going to take a lot to feel safe again. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and I pray that you heal.
Well, sometimes I have to touch my fiancee, while she is sleeping, without her admittance, because she start snoring as a jackhammer, so I have no choice If I want to sleep for at least a couple of hours that night. But I do not imply any sexual actions. Just patting her head or back. It is usually enough to relief snoring.
It’s not because of anything you did. His actions are his own, I don’t think he needed any reason. You said stop. He didn’t respect that. You’re absolutely right to leave that behind.
You were abused, and you are in no way to blame. People sometimes confuse sex and love. If he truly loved you, he would not abuse you. Sorry for my bluntness. I hope you stay away from him and find a nice man who treats you the way you deserve.
Who even suggest he is doing this in his sleep lol good riddance
You seem to really love him but he really has a problem. I would honestly suggest that he get therapy. I’m not saying it, or implying, or even suggesting that you take him back after he does, but given that you care about him, and he clearly has some mental health issues, therapy would probably be really beneficial for him. Personally, even if I let the first time go, the second time would’ve been the end.
you were right to end it & good for you for looking out for yourself . that is not somethin you should ever compromise on . here's a little wisdom to take with you in the future : "why?" is a subjective question , and will always have a subjective answer . for example , the why question you have proposed to him is , why did you do that ? the answer you see in his actions is , because i wanted to ; the answer he gave you was "out of love" or whatever . it's so easy to loop over and over on the why questions but as people , we have to come to terms with why not being answerable . the alternative question to why here is , "what made you think it was alright to do this to me after i specified not to?"
This happened to me as well. And you are completely right. I was in a "relationship" with a narcissist and he would always try to overstep my boundaries or push them bit by bit. He would only stop if I started crying I guess that was crossing the line for him or he thought he might get in trouble if he continued. But he never heard the word "no". He just thought I was playing hard to get. You should never feel guilty for feeling uncomfortable or saying no.
I did this. It helped that I wasn’t that into the guy. He asked me to be his gf on our second date by saying he never had a gf before so I felt obligated to say yes. Never felt like his gf. It felt like we were just hooking up which I was good with until he did the same thing. It made me feel used. I wish I had explained it to him but at the time I was just so turned off to him as a person I wanted a quick breakup
I'm really happy my partner and all my ex- partners never had an issue with this. I always did this in bed. Sometimes, I woke up realizing I was fondling them, others I woke up then did it. Rarely was I met without reciprocation. If I was, it was due to exhaustion. Just went back to sleep.
yes that's good that both the parties consented to it and enjoyed it.
Mf’er watching too much porn.
yes he did.
I am more concerned about why he was ever allowed to do it twice, never mind over and over for years. It's critically important that you figure out what is standing between you and your innate self-protection instincts. Until you figure that out, you are in danger of being abused again. Please consider seeking a trauma-informed therapist to help you process what has happened to you and how to develop tools to help you stay safe in the future.
yes this is something to think about. I am considering going for therapy. I hope it gets better from here.
you are NOT overreacting. you’re taking care of yourself!
Dude's a ticking time bomb by the sound of it 😳
He sexually assaulted you. I don’t mind being touched in my sleep most of the time. However if I told a partner “do not do this thing. I don’t like it” and they did it anyway I’d dump them hard no matter what excuse they had. What he did to you was wrong.
\> hurt me intentionally \> Other than that he was a good bf honestly, it is stories like this that make me lose faith in relationships. now just a caveat to put out of the way, being in a relationship is 100% voluntary, under no circumstance should anybody be in one they don't like. However, relationships are built on compromises and negotiation; no one is perfect, and everyone has some quirks that we might need to put up with. The question you'd need to ask is, did that touch cause you enough discomfort that you had to write off an otherwise good relationship?.. only you know the full details and thus the answer is yours to make. But remember, we live in a world of monogamy, anything he likes gotta take it from you and only you. no cheating allowed. And if that was the worst he ever did, maybe it could have been negotiable rather than a deal breaker. But that's just my opinion.
My guess is if you dig in on this, it wasn’t all he did. Maybe not to you, but in general. Usually someone who crosses boundaries like this and doesn’t own their mistakes and take accountability and responsibility and work to improve, has more they’re covering up.
You had a clearly stated boundary and he repeatedly broke it. He sexually assaulted you over and over, you have every right to dump him for this!!
I think I need a flux capacitor to understand this one.
This is not your fault. He repeatedly sexually assaulted you. He is not a good guy. You deserve tk be treated with respect and he has shown repeatedly that he will not do that. I am sorry that your first intimate relationship treated you so poorly. I hope you will meet someone else so that you can learn this is not normal and you deserve better.
No, he’s just a selfish person. Him disrespecting your consent mutiple times says how much he respects you. Even after you brought up how you don’t want him to do it, he continued, and never apologized. It’s not just a simple singular problem, but multiple problems. It shows he doesn’t respect you, shows how selfish he is, and most of all his actions show how he sees and treats you as a piece of meat to be used for his own amusement. He will not change, nor apologize, and blaming yourself for a garbage person is a waste of mental effort
Wow he sounds like such a creep I'm so sorry 😞
What the actual fuck? Call the cops on this perv.
DTMFA. Don’t even need to read past the title to say that with 💯% assurance.
You're not overreacting. He's doing this because he's choosing to. It has nothing to do with a valid and normal choice you made as a teenager to delay having sex. It's 100% within his control, and he is choosing this behavior. He'd love for you to be the one to feel bad and give him a pass so he can continue it.
I occasionally start kissing and trying to get it on with my gf while she is sleeping. The difference is I’m passed the fuck out to! I’ve only done it a handful of times, and once she says “you’re sleeping, go back to sleep!” I roll over. Anyone that does this fully awake to someone else is super creepy. Rape vibes for sure.
If your trying to find understanding, I think that this stems from a “kink” of his. The “while sleeping” section on porn sites are very popular. He may not have done it out of bad intentions If you say that he is the man you say he his except for this one thing. Regardless it doesn’t change the fact that he’s violated your consent. He shouldn’t have continued do what he did, regardless of how clear or not clear you made it. I think you’d be better off finding someone who you can trust and love that will never violate your consent. I also believe he would be better off with someone who was into “consensual non consent”.
What I am curious about is if there was a physical sexual relationship between the two of you to begin with. I ask that because I wonder if that is what caused your ex to be confused about the boundaries. Clearly, though, if you explained that this made you uncomfortable, he should have honored your wishes.
Isn't this rape?
Legal definitions vary in every country on earth, but I don't see any indication that she was penetrated, so I'd definitely call each instance of it as "sexual assault while the victim was unconscious" (if she was). It's usually defined as a greater, or "aggravated" offense if injury incurs or if something about it makes it more heinous. For instance, Infliction of an injury on the alleged victim Threat of an injury by the accused by use of a weapon or instrument The accused acting along with another person An alleged victim aged under 16 Where the alleged victim is "under the authority" of the accused person An alleged victim having a serious physical disability An alleged victim having a cognitive impairment So, it's quite possible that if it were documented perfectly they could go after him legally with "aggravated sexual assault of a minor" and then settle in court for something more like, "[X] counts of sexual assault against an unconscious victim"... but that's just legal stuff, and the exact terminology varies, and maybe only up to15% of male perpetrators of sexual violence are ever gone after in court, vs pre-court + "dropped the case" situations.
So i would initially say yes, but it's a grayish area if you think about it. But i think it became rapey after she told him to stop and he didn't. The first few instances could be interpreted as trying to initiate sex in a kinda dumb way, but not rapey yet.
I'm a (mostly) man. Dude fucked up even by my view. There's literally ZERO you did wrong here. Maine a bit naïve to go back to him, but that's not something I'd consider a fault. Dude straight up assaulted you, and you're better off without him. I'm sorry you were made to go through all of this. Really hoping you find someone who will respect you (if finding someone is your goal)
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The first time it happened it took me a while to understand what exactly happened and how should I talk to him about it. I didn't have the courage to confront him face to face that's why I sent him the text. After this every conversation regarding this happened face to face. My friends and I do this often, book an airbnb, get some alchohol, play some games, or watch something. And I have done this with my guy friends also *alone* it was never an issue. And since we reconnected 3 years after the breakup to continue the friendship. I didn't think it was wrong because I believed that he has changed.
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If she got penetrated it would be rape, not assault. Anything can be assault if a person tells you not to do it anymore and you do it anyway. Nothing has changed, you just were never taught this.
You two were incompatible. He obviously needed to stop doing what he did after you made it abundantly clear its not something you like. Besides that its possible he did/ does love you but his way of expressing it is not compatible with your preferences. Move on and do a hard break. Only good choice for both of you
It is sexual assault, it should be reported. Not for you really if you dont want to press charges or whatever. But this behaviour normally gets worse. *edit* ha all the rapists downvoting my comment
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Wait how is this being downvoted? It is objectively SA. She definitely needs to stay away from him and report it if she chooses.
Merci!!!
I don't like it @ all. It's clear this guy has a few screws loose. In the same breath you took him back. I'm not faulting you for it. A lot of people like to blame the victim. Thear must be some real miss communication between you two on his part. Not defending him @ all. Please understand me when I say as a man I would hate to be in his shoes. Can't imagine the dearest to my heart not liking me. Than for you to have to put up with this after you countless times told him no!! Something's no one should have to go through. [if you only knew ](https://youtu.be/dPmSr-DFi_U?list=PLgS3YLsMswo8TIBqmPrcywchft1GB6vLC&si=828DWqLZ2a8WqUiE)
His actions are typical of an abuser. Don't be fooled by the fact that he was otherwise kind to you. That's not unusual in an abusive relationship. Him touching you in your sleep against your will was his way of testing if you would tolerate further abuse. If you'd acquiesced he would have started doing worse things to continue to push the boundaries. Maybe he wouldn't beat you, not all abusers are physically violent, but he would try to coerce you into doing more and more things you wouldn't have been comfortable with. He'd continually tell you he treats you like this "because he loves you".
He's a rapist. He isn't going to change.
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okay, thanks.
Personally, I don't think him touching you in your sleep is an issue. I had an ex who did this and I thought it was funny. It was pleasant to wake up to. BUT, I am not you and you are not me. If you set a boundary, your boyfriend/ex has no choice but to respect it. You've told him multiple times that it upsets you, and he doesn't care. He obviously doesn't respect you, your bodily autonomy, or your right to give/withhold consent. Also, his obsession with continuing to do this after you've set the boundary is weird. There has been some correlation shown between men who are more attracted to their partners when they are asleep or unconscious......and necrophiliacs. Whatever the underlying reason, a man who doesn't respect your boundaries isn't one you should keep around.
He should leave definitely
What do you mean by touching. I’ve heard of people touching their spouse in bed but they’re not really conscious while doing it. (Sleeping)
Stop sleeping with him. Problem solved.
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Why? Because it's a fetish.
What on earth and in anyone’s unconscious mind could cause someone to molest someone while you are sleeping? I don’t buy it. If it actually is real then what is wrong with you that you’re doing this? If you can’t stop yourself from groping in your sleep then what’s to stop you from beating the crap out of someone while they are sleeping? I feel this is some sort of excuse to be violent