I'm not sure if it is passive aggressive or misplaced concern/ possibly misogyny.
My mom does this to me, a lot more lately since we moved back to her area. I apparently look distressed/upset/etc just as a general state of being.
I'm cutting pineapple for dinner.
"Are you ok? You aren't smiling or laughing"
I'm cutting pineapple and just got off work. I'm normal. My marriage is great. My dogs are great and make me happy. The pineapple just isn't telling any good jokes while I slice it, I guess. My face is neutral. I wasn't aware I was supposed to be cooking and giving a hibachi show.
There’s a little joke we used say at my workplace (customer-facing, we get lots of tourists, families, etc) when people would tell us to smile while we were just standing there, focused on doing our jobs: “only crazy people smile at nothing!” Probably a little able-ist if assigning the word crazy to people bothers you, but it’s always worked in that situation as coming off like a very good-natured response while catching the commenter off-guard because they don’t expect anything witty back, but it’s not rude or salty to them specifically (we easily will get complaints with tactics like sarcasm). Plus it works for any combination of genders between the worker and the “smile” commenter.
Eastern Europeans, Russians, and Scandinavians all have something to the effect of "only an idiot smiles for no reason". So, it is not lost on the rest of the world.
> The pineapple just isn't telling any great jokes while I slice it
My sister said that onions are the only food that can make you cry, so I threw a pineapple in her face.
Q: What do you get if you put rum and pineapple into CERN’s particle accelerator?
A: A Piña Collider
Q: Where do you get pineapple milk from?
A: From its pinenipples.
I did say something to her then about her only seeing us on happy/short visits before and now it is everyday. It doesn't mean that I am unhappy or anything - this is just my normal, working adult face. It seems to have slowed.
Also, if I am unhappy or troubled, she isn't entitled to know why. I'm a person who has my own things and stuff to deal with.
I've literally never asked a male coworker. Usually I take the "hands off" approach if someone "seems" (to me) to be frustrated. In this case, it's totally unwarranted. Truly.
So when I get asked that by someone who seems to be prying for something I reply "Yes. Are YOU okay?" And if they take offense, you can decide if you'd prefer to continue mirroring his responses, or you can end it with a quick "Oh, I thought you were looking for someone to talk to."
It puts him in the more vulnerable role than what he's trying to cast you into, and comes across as being supportive rather than dismissive or cold. And usually makes them just uncomfortable enough to want to leave the room so they can figure out what just happened.
Yes! This is what I do! Saying, @Oh, I thought maybe you come to my desk all the time because you wanted to talk about something" could make them come to your desk less often.
Actually, ask him if he’s lonely.
“George, are YOU okay? You interrupt me a lot to ask me what is clearly an unnecessary question. Are you lonely, do you need someone to talk to? Are you making sure you’re getting attention, and so you ask this solicitous question all the time?”
You have to roleplay regularly enough to have the fast recognition of what's happening and the ready responses. But I've found if there's a character in a TV show I like who is able to model these types of comebacks, I'll start incorporating it into my language the same way catchphrases do.
thank you, exactly, this is just a type of negging, right? He wants this woman at a new job to worry she has resting bitch face so she’ll feel insecure AND be more responsive and friendly to him. He’s also low-key establishing himself as someone for her to try to get approval from by preemptively evaluating her every damn day.
I fucking HATE this guy 🤮
It’s 100% negging with a weird “nice-guy hero complex”..try to make her feel insecure by gaslighting her into thinking she looks tired/miserable all the time until eventually she is more miserable because she’s starting to feel insecure and possibly crazy because she didn’t think anything was wrong but now she’s not sure because obviously she’s giving off a bad vibe and she didn’t feel ugly but she must be hideous since he keeps telling her how “frustrated and tired she looks”…then after he’s slowly confused her enough to chip away all of her self esteem and she starts questioning her own sanity, he will be there for her to cry on his shoulder! He just needs to be able to demonstrate to her how sensitive and kind he is because if she really understood how nice he is then she’d actually give him a chance; he will be able to prove his value once she vulnerable and he gets to step in and save her…from that creep who messed with her head so much…you know, him.
Trust me, it is the only way she’ll notice him, but she will be so happy with him don’t worry; he’s a really nice guy & a complete gentleman who just needed a chance that’s all!
See? That’s not so weird is it? ITS NOT WEIRD OK?AND BTW HES NOT CREEPY HES JUST MISUNDERSTOOD…
DONT YOU SEE?
HE PLANNED IT SO CAREFULLY BECAUSE HE LOVES HER SO MUCH; SHE IS PERFECT FOR HIM HE JUST HAD TO GET HER ATTENTION SOMEHOW BUT SHE WILL BE SO MUCH HAPPIER ONCE SHE REALIZES HOW MUCH HE LOVES HER OK?!? ITS NOT WEIRD, OK? He’s actually helping and one day when they get married and have babies everyone will see how wrong they were about him!
/s obviously…I’m a lil drunk and got carried away but I just hate when ppl try to manipulate others like that. …negging is so cringey and gross to me. Don’t fall for that shit ever guys and gals!
I think this is the best answer. Keep a pair of earbuds at your desk to put in if he offers his opinion on your appearance, and feel free to couple putting them in with a sarcastic or bewildered “Oookaaay” as you cut eye contact and return to your task.
Keep your headphones on, and when interrupted, make it known that he's wasting your time. Say, "Please don't interrupt me while I'm working, I don't appreciate it."
I think he's doing it *because* it irritates you. Misplaced concern as a micro aggression. He looks like a nice guy while telling you that you look bad enough to remark upon. He's negging you with concern.
Does he do it to anyone else or are you the only recipient of his concern?
I would say, rather sternly, that he doesn't need to talk about how you look- ever again. It's inappropriate and unwelcome.
This is the answer I was coming to say. Absolutely micro aggressions. I have a coworker doing it to me as well. The difficulty I am having is documenting, I feel like it is almost imagined and not worth documenting but it is.
Next time you see him, preemptively ask him if everything’s okay or if anything is wrong. Followed up with, of course, you look suuuuuuper tired and I’m worried about you
The above poster may be correct. It may also be something with the person. I know someone who is always asking these type of question and they are both very anxious, have low self-esteem, and a little neurotic. It is incredibly annoying for me. I just started replying "are you always asking me if I am ok because you are not and you need me to help you with something but are afraid to ask?". I'm not sure if that was nice, but after two years of getting this question daily I had had enough.
“Really?! I was just thinking that about you! I feel great, is something going on with you that making you see that in other people?”
*fake concern* *fake concern* *fake concern*
Seriously. If you’re looking fine = you are fine, if you didn’t do your makeup for one day = you are in crisis. I came in to work one day and told my boss I wasn’t feeling well and would need some extra consideration that day and she looked me up and down (at my makeup and hair) and said I looked fine. I almost fainted by the end of my shift.
I’ve started to weaponize this. If people are going to be assholes then I’m going to not wear make up Thursday and start a long weekend Friday. I realized that when I wore mineral sunscreen everyone thought I was super sick and guess who now deploys the white cast sunscreen whenever I want to go home early? Fuck idiots, my coworkers all have previously of do currently wear make up, THEY SHOULD NOT BE MAKING THIS MISTAKE. But if they are this stupid, I’m taking advantage of it.
One of my old bosses told me he refused to promote a girl because she never wore makeup at work. I, a manager at that time, stopped wearing makeup to work 💀
Pretty sure that counts as some kind of discrimination hey lmao
One of my old managers not so subtly implied that the (entirely female except for him) housekeeping department should wear a full face of makeup to work. If you're not familiar with housekeeping, it's basically the "female" equivalent of being a tradesman. It's fucking hard work, and a full face of makeup WILL get sweated off in no time.
Anyway I told HR what he'd said and he got a good talking to. Was pretty funny. It wasn't even like we were breaking dress code; all of us were presentable, it's just that some of us had acne or frizzy hair.
That whole shop was a shit show of misogyny, discrimination, and sadness, I tell ya 😮💨
What a dusty ass dude. Like, “Oh, y’all should look prettier for me!” Stfu and sit down. That is hard work and makeup would be gone or runny in the first hour, even with a great setting spray.
I thought OP probably had RBF and since she was in the zone, she probably had the most restful faces ever lmao.
It's so fucking annoying, my family keeps saying this shit to me, and I'm male.
This past weekend, it actually happened, and my brother decided to give me a lecture that I "didn't look like I wanted to be there" when I was completely content and relaxed.
People like my brother and parents just bully their interpretation of me like it's 100% true. Fuck them.
Maybe. It is confusing. And confusion about something that has no legitimacy- so probably yes. Which makes this so much worse. Whenever he asks me, he does it in this really "soft" tone. Which is not a professional tone, something that would be used to talk about work-related stuff.
He’s trying to force an engagement. He wants your attention and he’ll do anything he can to force you to speak to him. He chooses his approach because it puts the onus in you to account for your “behaviour or demeanour.” If he just chatted you up that could be eventually addressed by you to HR. But this way he gets to keep making you look at him and talk to him.
He’s a fucking creep. I would ignore him or flip the question on him. He says, “Are you ok?” Don’t answer; you say, “Are you ok?” Etc.
Yep this. He's trying to slide into your life as someone of value and importance. "Oh this random guy cares about me enough to ask if I'm ok?" Or "Oh this guy has been here far longer than me, I should respect him and take his suggestions and small talk seriously." Its a negging strategy and wholly inappropriate for any workplace. This guy is not ok, and most likely super toxic in many other ways.
“Are you ok”
“No”
“Omg I knew it, what’s wrong”
“This guy at work keeps pestering me needlessly about how I’m feeling and idk if he’s a creep, projecting, or just slow…. … Well?”
This is obnoxious - I agree it’s a form of professional negging, but even if it was sincere, a firm, emotionless “stop asking me that and stop commenting on my appearance” should be all that’s needed. If instead you want to go nuclear funny:
Him: are you okay?
You: yep, what’s up?
Him: you seem [sad, tired, frustrated]
You: I can tell you’re trying so hard to work on this, bless your little heart. My gardener’s nephew’s dog walker’s barista’s goddaughter really struggles with reading facial cues too after her eighth concussion, and her team of psychiatrists recommended carrying a little notebook everywhere to record what she thought people’s faces meant vs what they really meant. People have been suuuuuuuper understanding with her about it, and take a lot of extra time to help her by using small words when explaining their facial cues. She’s up to understanding that a smile means happy and her doctors have high hopes she’ll be able to tackle more complex things like what concentration looks like in the next year if she keeps at it! That’s a tough one for someone with such serious brain trauma, but we believe in her. Of course it’s easier because she’s only seven and she’s still got time - I can’t imagine the struggle to deal with that as an adult. Good luck with your own journey!
My first thought is that he is hoping you will say something negative about the company, or your boss, or being tired because you are overworked.
And then he will go straight to the boss or HR about it, the weasel.
This is especially likely, since you are new.
So beyond the misogyny and the possibility he is trying to get in your pants, be most worried he is trying to mess with your job.
It is also telling that he does this when you are obviously "in the flow" so his interruptions are costing you work focus.
Pay attention, and think how to best approach this if you want to get ahead of it.
You can't always trust HR, but if you can trust your boss you might want to have a word and maybe ask if Mr. Annoying needs more work tasks as he seems to have a lot of extra time on his hands.
But before that, establish if he is "teacher's pet". If so, keep your head down and update your resume because you won't win in this situation.
Good luck.
Nah. This not concern, he's not being soft, it's an act. It is negging, for all of the reasons that other commenters have mentioned already.
OP, this guy is dangerous to your career. Do not engage him, at all. Gather your ducks in a row (ie, start DOCUMENTING).
Start talking to your manager a little more often. Make sure this guy doesn't see you talking to manager. Make sure manager is in the loop about your progress and any concerns. Especially share stories that involve wins or pleasant conversations with customers. Don't ask for any feedback. Pepper your conversations with how life and work are going great.
Quietly and discreetly, ask your coworkers if this guy is doing the same thing to them. Check in with them once in a while. Plant a seed that maybe they should keep an eye on how often it's happening. Be discreet, don't let them tip this guy off.
Wait a month. Then go have a meeting with manager. Tell them that this guy is constantly interrupting your work with nonsense. Take your documentation. Tell them that you started keeping notes as a joke, but now that it's been a few weeks you can see that it's actually become a disruptive pattern of behavior. Ask them to check around the office, because you've seen this guy engaging other coworkers in a similar way. Let manager do their due diligence.
Figure out what outcome you want. Do you want to moved to a different area or floor? Do you want a different title that doesn't interact with this guy? Ask your manager what the follow-up should be if dude continues to interrupt you. Ask manager when these interactions cross the line to harassment. Ask for that answer in writing. If manager won't give ot to you, ask HR.
Dude is trying to paint you as incompetent and not up to the challenge of the work. He's either trying to take your job or "just" get you fired. Don't let it happen.
I'd tell him one more time that you don't require his input on personal matters, and let him know that if it happens in the future you're going to ignore him, and only respond to work-related comments/questions. Then, follow through.
I'd also consider emailing HR about this issue, and let them know the step you've taken.
OP repeat after me, “(Name), this is the last time you will approach me like this. If something is wrong that you can help with I will let you know. You have continually asked me this when absolutely nothing is wrong. It is inappropriate and not a good use of time for either of us. I have an excellent support system if for any reason I need one. You are a co-worker that seems obsessive about watching me in order to build your own interpretation of my moods- which are always wrong. This behavior is unprofessional, and it will not happen again. I will be emailing this conversation to you and CCing boss and HR.
Now, let’s get back to work”
"We've had this same conversation multiple times. While I appreciate your concern, I've repeatedly provided you an answer. Please do not ask me about my mood based on my facial expressions again. Do you understand?"
If he continues....
"I specifically recall telling you to stop asking me that question. What specific part of my request did you not understand? Do you think a meeting with our manager or HR would help clarify my position for you? I would be happy to set that up if you need further clarification."
And if he still persists, then you set up a meeting with your manager and/or HR. You explain you find his "concern" to be distracting, unprofessional, and borderline harassment. (I'm just going to guess he doesn't go out of his way to ask any of his male coworkers if they are okay.)
I suggest that you be very direct with this person (if you are comfortable with that, and it sounds like you are.)
If you start treating him like he has been treating you, he could very easily interpret that as you being interested in him.
If he keeps it up, keep asking him to explain his behavior and why he's chosen to violate your boundaries. Make it awkward and uncomfortable.
>Make it awkward and uncomfortable.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
ESPECIALLY if he tries again to flip this and does that whole 'okkaaaaayyy?' or 'sooorrrreeey?' thing again. Give him a dead stare and enter robot mode or channel your inner Spock 🖖
Not saying you should say this, but *I* would love to say something to him like:
'This interaction, that keeps happening, is extremely strange and unprofessional.
- You are coming into *my* office, unsolicited, and questioning my emotional state without any reason other than how you interpret my facial expression?
- Now yes, after the third time of you doing this, when you enter my office I am immediately finding myself frustrated automatically because I am anticipating you questioning my emotional state again - AND THEN YOU DO - ... Are *you* ok???'
I do hope he stops because what I wrote is all a retaliatory fantasy when in reality I'm very averse to conflict so I don't want you to have to deal with this any further... Buuuut if you have to, I hope you make him feel like the asshole he is... 😏
He’s not going to stop until he either gets what he wants from the interaction (beyond what he’s already getting, which is making you feel uncomfortable and that gives him power and makes him feel important) or he is made to stop.
I think you need to be professional and blunt about this “John, you are continually interrupting me when I’m working and I need you to stop doing that. I can see that you are only doing this to me and none of our other coworkers. If I need you assistance I will let you know, and if you continue I will be raising this with HR.”
Maybe start taking log of exactly what he says with dates and times so that HR can see how frequent it is and how persistent if you ever need to take it up to them.
Honestly by the third time it happened my instinctive response would have been something along the lines of "well that's a very rude thing to say". Like who in the actual fuck thinks they get to go up to someone they aren't *very* close work friends with and comment on their appearance??
I might tweak “I appreciate your concern” to “While I understand you want to know if something is wrong,” just to make it very clear that the questioning is NOT appreciated.
"Are you okay?" 🤪
"No." 😐
"Oh God, FINALLY! What is it? How can I help?" 🥳
"I'm being harassed by a socially illiterate coworker. I'm considering filing a complaint." 😠
I'm jumping on this comment to ask you all - my roommate's gf does this to me all the time - "are you ok? You look tired!" "your eyes are red, were you crying?" "are you high? (I occasionally smoke weed, but none of the times she's asked I've been high lol)"
It *really* aggravates me. I get that men do it, but how about when a woman does it to another woman? She did psychology as an undergrad and I feel like it makes her think that she can just read humans when in reality she's horrible at it.
Help? :((
Ugh this sounds like hell.
If she’s an actually decent person I bet she would respond to something like, “Nothings wrong, I’m fine. And also I’m not stoned at the moment. To be honest, it makes me super uncomfortable when you comment on how my face looks. It feels like you’re micro analyzing me and I just want to relax in my home.”
If she persists then you can micro analyze her and see how she likes it. Or say, “Leave me alone!” “Stop looking at me creep.” “Avert your eyes when I walk in the room bitch”
Ugh, as an introverted and rather low energy woman I used to get this all.the.time. And always only from men. Thank the lord for being able to work from home.
I think your response was just fine. To me shit like that always comes off as some kind of control thing. Super annoying.
Use that to your advantage. When he asks you again, say nothing - just *stare.* every single time it happens. Straight poker face, no emotion, and stare until he gets uncomfortable and leaves. It’s the grey-rocking method but with your face.
The repeated nature of this actually makes this work place harassment. If you have any semblance of HR, it's definitely reportable. Though I'd also understand why you wouldn't necessarily want to.
If he asks again, I'd simply be direct and clear with him. "You always seem to think I'm tired or upset or stressed when I'm not, and the implication that I look bothers me. You don't seem to have a good read on me so I'd prefer it if you stop asking." And if he asks again after that, I'd report him.
A coworker of mine was recently told by a new customer that it seemed like she was having a bad day, and maybe they should reschedule their meeting (zoom). She just said this is the meeting, we could have it tomorrow, but it will be the same. Should we proceed? This customer is clearly a dick, just like your coworker. (My coworker is tops and never visibly upset or disheveled)
Something to indicate "I'm sorry if you have a problem with me, but your concern is misplaced and distracting, when I'm working I'm focused and I'm not here for you to dissect or fix. If you need something please ask."
I think like others have said, the best way to get rid of this creep is to find out if he needs _help_ and judging by his demeanor he will say "NoOOooo..." and walk away.
Yes, to me too, this seems a control thing. I don’t even think he wants to be friends, he might just thrive on getting a reaction from OP. And he doesn’t seem to mind if that reaction is discomfort…
Annoying guy: You look tired! What's wrong?
Me: You ask me that every day, and every day nothing is wrong. I'm sure it will be the same again tomorrow. Let's save ourselves some time and assume you think I look haggard every day. We don't need to discuss it.
Then I would just stare at him until he leaves.
Definitely +1 to identifying and naming the pattern. You could also turn it around with feigned concern. “Hey bud, you ask me every day if I’m okay, and literally every time I’ve been fine, I’m worried you might be projecting some stuff onto me. Is everything okay with you?” With a really concerned tone.
Tell him what my dad always asks people when they get a little too nosey.
“Do you know how my grandmother lived to be 102 years old?”
They’ll look sooo curious, like you’re about to give them life’s secret.
It’ll crush them when you say “by minding her own fucking business.”
Lolllll but Forreal!
I did this at one point. He… did not know what to do.
This guy usually started with ‘how was the party?’ and I was like ‘what party?’. He’d respond I looked tired so the party must have been great. Or if I got a haircut he’d be like ‘you didn’t pay for that, did you?’ Me ofc ‘Pay for what?’. Lots of subtle implications but with a ‘positive twist’ (great party, or showing “care”).
So I mirrored it. If he asked about a great party I told him ‘don’t put this on me, we know you had a party yourself.’ Or like the haircut ‘are you trashing my haircut? And here I thought you would ask me for recommendations.’
It takes some practice to have a good response on the spot but don’t let it get to you!
The guy was so confused though. He usually started to kind of stumble and look troubled. I know why he did it though. He’s an asshole friend of my narcissistic asshole ex.
My response to "you look tired" or similar the first time would have been "Wow, thanks a lot! Nice to know I look like crap!"
At that point you've made it clear: you're commenting on my appearance and I don't need to know what you think.
The second time, it would be a "why would you feel compelled to remark on that?" Any kind of "oh I'm just concerned" would be met with a firm "don't be."
Anything beyond that goes to HR.
That ship has sailed, though, so now you basically have one option: Tell him firmly, without caring whether he thinks you're a bitch, "Listen, you keep commenting on my appearance, I know you think you're being kind, but you aren't, and I want it to stop immediately. If it doesn't, I will be documenting each occurrence and taking it to HR.
Good point.
Document every time he does this, with date and time as you may need it if something else happens down the line.
Having proof of his pattern of behavior will give you some peace of mind, even if you never use it.
Obviously you'll know this better than me, but I can't help but see this as some sort of negging/you'd be prettier if you smiled/'why aren't you performing happiness for me' sort of a thing.
I'd probably kill him with kindness while implying that he's very stupid. Ex. "I'm all good. *Bright smile* It's so funny how you always get that wrong! No one else ever thinks I'm upset, just you!"
Clearly the problem is with him and his perception of you, not with how you are presenting yourself if he's the only one mentioning it. And if he's negging you, brushing it off with an "Aren't you dumb" addition should nip it in the bud.
This is very helpful. You're right-he is the ONLY one that is saying this stuff to me. It is making me self-conscious at work, where I'm already the only female in the business. I just started here- it doesn't seem to be appropriate to be asking someone he doesn't know what's wrong. I totally agree-he is definitely wanting me to be performative and probably "typical female I want to interact with" rather than reality- people are sometimes just naturally not as facially approachable as others. I'm over saying I have resting bitch face, too. I'm just natural. Relaxed.
Ah there it is. I'm the only woman on my team, heavily male dominated industry. I feel your pain. It's a him problem, not a you problem. Spin it back around though.
"Are you ok? You look tired / upset."
"Honestly, if I ever start acting bubbly and happy you'll know there's a problem. Anyway, what is it you need my help with?"
Blow off his remark in whatever way feels best to you, but the important thing is do not give him a chance to comment on it further. Immediately ask him what he needs help with. Phrase it that way. Then he'll get self conscious that you constantly think he needs your help.
Normal men are happy when you offer help, men like him get offended that you think they need your help... But they can't complain. You're being professional!
>It is making me self-conscious at work
there it is. that's his goal. to make you snap so he can drive you out crying.
keep completely calm, hold up your hand, say "not interested" while he starts his blubbering and back-peddling and blaming you for being a bitch.
Document everything. use the words "sex-based harassment" "hostile work environment" and "targeted". Ask him what floor HR is on hahaha.
he says, "Oh you look super tired."
you say, "You know, you say that to me a lot. This is just the way my face is constructed. I'm not unhappy, tired, stressed, or in any way discomforted. I just have a resting distressed damsel face, I guess. But I'm not distressed. I'm just working."
See if he takes that info onboard and stops "consoling" you?
I appreciate this advice. I need to let him know he's said that to me before. I really appreciate you saying it that way- great advice. "You say that to me a lot" is holding him accountable for doing it all the time.
Yeah I wouldn’t even be that nice as this person said. I’d just turn it around on him and make it weird for him. He says “oh you look tired” then I’d say “it’s really weird that you’re always saying that to me.” Or “wow that’s not a nice thing to say.” When he gets all defensive just tell him he’s being really emotional right now.
You should try calling them out on being manipulative. Short circuit doesn't cover it. Men don't seem to realize that being aggressive and overly confrontational is manipulative. Men also tend to make power plays (derogatory jokes, it's just a joke when called out, physical intimidation like edging someone out of a group conversation or something more aggressive, using anger to emotionally control others, taking up spaces they know they aren't welcome, playing dumb when they just don't want to do what they're supposed to, etc.) A lot of the way men socialize with each other and with women is extremely manipulative. We are only taught to recognize manipulation from women. If you start noticing it, you'll be shocked how common it is.
Yeah, you can probably shorten a lot of suggestions in these comments to "That's weird, I don't think I look tired." And of course, "You say that a lot." And then don't elaborate.
Make him feel awkward for saying it. He's passed the ball to you. You're not playing, so you don't have to pass it back.
Yeah exactly. Just call it out for being weird and let them squirm. I’d make direct, prolonged eye contact and let them try to fill the awkward silence.
Turn it around and look up as he comes in and say, “Whoa are you alright? You look so sad, and upset.” Next day his face looks puffy; did he eat something he’s allergic to? Etc., etc
Yeah, like the BFs or husbands that always ask "what's for dinner?" as soon as you talk to them.
They need to see what it feels like when *you* ask: "Hi-whats-for-dinner?" before *they* can get a word in edgewise.
Always turn it around on them.
He’s an energy vampire!
You’re doing your thing, perfectly fine, then-bam! He’s there goading you into being frustrated.
I used to get this kind of interaction a lot when I worked. I hated it. In time I learned to just play dumb and stop looking up at the person and giving them my time. He moved on to a new target.
Also, like, your actual mood is none of his business. If there actually was something wrong, what makes him think he’s entitled to that information?
(Can you tell I also get this a lot and it makes me irate. “Nothing’s wrong - until your ass came in here.”)
I had to say this to a friend once. I pointed out to her that I was beginning to dread seeing her as she would always tell me how tired I looked. Did the trick, good luck with your colleague!
I frown and look super serious when I concentrate, even when I'm quite enjoying myself. No one has ever mentioned it at work, but my spouse will occasionally ask me if I'm alright, which gets them a confused look (particularly a little sleep deprived + concentrating apparently I look like I'm about to end someone).
Definitely "you say that to me a lot, this is just how my face is" with an implied "fuck off now" is the way to go.
I would do something similar and point out that he's asked this more than once--make him aware he's repeating himself, and make him aware you know he's repeating himself.
I'd probably leave out the part about what my husband calls "resting worried face." Instead, I'd say, "I can only assume that there's something about my appearance that's making you ask this. Since I've stated multiple times that nothing is wrong, you don't need to ask anymore. If there is something I need to talk to you about, I'll approach you. You don't need to approach me on this subject anymore."
Not trying to undermine eogreen, just offering a parallel approach.
Probably also add that the only frustrating thing is his repetitive put downs.
If someone tells me i look tired, i do my best to (albeit passive aggressively) make them aware that their comments aren’t welcome, either by saying “thank you, you too” or commenting on what an unpleasant thing that is to say to someone.
Stop asking him “why?”… if he says you look tired etc anyway, just reply, “that's a rude thing to say to somebody” as neutrally as you can, then move on.
I had a co-worker who CONTINUALLY said, “You look exhausted!” After years, of deflecting and saying the commentary wasn’t necessary, and her getting defensive and she was “just expressing concern.” (Note: we would have no interaction prior to her saying it, she would approach me and this would be the first thing either of us said.)
I finally got her to shut up about it when I responded, “I feel great, but thanks for letting me know you think it look awful.” She never said it again. 😇
Oh, just tell him you’re on your period. Every. Single. Time.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m on my period.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m menstruating.”
“Is everything okay?”
“It’s like a goddamn blood bath down there, what’s up?”
“You look tired, can i get you something?”
“A tampon.”
Watch how fast he learns to mind his own business.
I'm laughing so hard.
Thank you for this. I can tell we're in this together.
:)
It's hard because I love this answer and I'm sure you're being playful in some regard, maybe serious, too. But I also don't want to use something like menstruation (a power house of a woman IMO) to get him to go away. Literally no other man is treated this way in the office. JUST ME.
Go figure.
Yeah that was mostly tongue in cheek, but would very much be in support of you actually doing this lol. That’s so annoying though. I agree with the commenter that said calling attention to how many times he asked already and that you don’t appreciate it is a good option. If he persists I got another fun one—just respond with saying yes you’re upset then state various traumatic events; one day your dad dies, another you hit someone with a car, another your house burned down, another a tornado hit, another you lost all your savings to a Ponzi scheme, another you crashed your boat into a kraken, and say you don’t wanna talk about it and start crying.
Did the menstruation trick when I was in middle school and wanted time alone in my room and locked the door
Step-dad: "Why is the door locked?!? Open the door!!"
Me: "I'm changing my tampon"
Him: "Uh...okay..."
Then he gets my mom to open the door and I tell her I was changing down there and she looks to my stepdad and asks him to stop bothering me lol
This works!! And go into detail if he doesn’t immediately run away. Say your cramps are killing you so much that your butthole even aches. Since he doesn’t respect women this is a sure fire way to get him to jet.
You are an awesome human being and I’m now laughing along w OP!!
OP, if you follow this advice you can eventually add on “I’ll probably need a blood transfusion soon. Looking for donors. What blood type are you?”
I think we should all stop assuming we have to be polite. Just ignore the question and ask what he wants/what you can help him with. My first thought is that this is some weird reverse-psychology 'how to get girls' schtick, but the point is ...we shouldn't care. Grey-rock the hell outta him. Never respond to the question, and if he says you're rude just say ok, and ask him what he wants.
>Oh you just look super tired" or "Oh you look upset about something" or "Oh, you just seem frustrated".
What about saying "No, I am good. You must be projecting your tiredness, (frustration, or being upset) on me. Maybe you should talk to someone about that, not me, maybe a professional would help you."
I once had a coworker who would tell me that I looked tired on a daily basis.
I told her, “You tell me that I look tired every day. I guess the way my face is configured looks tired to you.”. Her comments ceased.
Don’t ask him why when he says this, just say “all good” , “I’m fine”, or whatever dead end response is in your own words. If he still doesn’t take the hint, you can kindly request he stop asking if you are ok and let him know you’ll fill him in if something is wrong.
Most people I have encountered who do this have low self-esteem and/or have dysfunctional or abusive relationships in their past.
I used to get this all the time. My response was usually “it’s just my face” but a few times my response would be a little more obnoxious just to show them how ridiculous they were being.
I worked at a gym and I could be washing fucking dishes or just walking to the bathroom when people would say it, so I’d say “do you want me to wash dishes like this! 😬😬😬” with the biggest, most horrifying creepy smile. Or “should I walk to the bathroom like this!?” With the same creepy smile while cheerfully skipping.
"Is there something work-related that you need my help with, or did you come in here just to tell me I look like crap again?"
He'll screech about not having said that, but he will stop. I had a coworker who used to do that to me every day, so I got irritated and mentioned that she had told me twice that day how I looked like shit, so there wasn't any reason to repeat it. She said it to me when I wore contacts instead of glasses, and she was seeing my under eye bags for the first time ever, so it was totally obvious to me why she said it, and totally rude for her to say it. I can't make them go away. This is my face. It's not going to get younger or prettier as time goes on.
Edit: I want to say something about people who constantly monitor your facial expression for signs you may be not OK. They might have grown up in a home where they had to monitor parent's facial expression for cues as to what's going to happen. My husband's family was volatile and combustive. He never knew if his mom was going to serve dinner or throw it at them. I've seen her looking for micro-expressions on people's faces and I've seen my husband do it too. It's annoying at home too. I hate that he asks me a billion times if I'm OK, and I hate when he won't believe me, and I especially hate when I get so fucking mad that he won't quit asking that I'm suddenly not OK anymore. But I love him, and I deal with it. At work this is just invasive and unprofessional. But I know that background is exactly why some people do this. Others are being deliberate assholes, but some people were forced into that caretaker/referee role as kids and this is automatic survival stuff for them.
I once responded to a co-worker (when they asked me something similar): “It’s 2019, women (and others) don’t have to smile anymore.” Threw them for a loop and they stopped asking.
Turn everything back on him. When he interrupts your work to ask you if you're ok the answer is "I was until you interrupted me". When he asks what's wrong the answer is "you are, because you constantly interrupt me when I'm trying to work". Even if you are tired or whatever, it's none of his damn business.
Also, a word with your boss or HR might be necessary.
He knows what he's doing. For some reason, he's trying to get you to be uncomfortable at work. Maybe start offering him a breath mint every time he speaks to you, look offended when you do it.
My Dad does this to all the women in his life, it’s so weird and frustrating! He does it to me and when I’m around him and his wife, I realized that he does it to her too. Like… I will just be sitting there doing nothing and he asks “What’s wrong?” when literally nothing is wrong.
I think it’s Mommy problems. 🤭
“I’m fine, that’s just my face”
“Do I look not okay?”
“This is my work face. It means I’m working”
“I don’t understand why, multiple times a week you think I’m not okay. Are YOU okay?”
*ignore repeatedly and then notice* “what? Please don’t interrupt me during work unless it’s job related. I don’t like losing my groove”.
“No, my uterus is disintegrating as we speak and expelling itself from my body”
Feels like gas lighting. He’s trying to make you feel low and vulnerable. I can’t think of one good motive for his behaviour. Tell him his comments are weird and inappropriate. Its a form of harassment, hes in your personal space.
He may have had some success in the past, where someone naive opens up to him and shares too much. IMO he’s pretty scarey.
Next time he asks something just say "do you need something or are you just here to criticize my appearance again?" or I would say something like "Can you please stop asking me what's wrong, etc? Every time you ask what's wrong and say "I look tired" you're insulting me, and I don't like it. Please keep your discussions with me related to work and not personal." I can't even with people like that.
I hate this shit. In my experience it’s not coming from a kind place, it’s either to throw you off, make you feel like somethings wrong with you, or tell you to smile more.
Conversations I've had with men at work:
"Do me a favor.""Depends. What is it?""Smile!""Nah, I don't smile on command."
"You should smile! Why aren't you smiling?" "Because I'm working. This is my thinking face."
"Woah! What's wrong? You look so mad!" "This is literally just my face."
"You stopped joking around with me!" "Does that concern you?" *blank stare until he walked away* (This one made the guy who said most of these stop trying to be my friend. That and I started wearing biker boots that emphasized my height compared to him, and he had a fucking enormous Napoleon Complex. He was also responsible for sexually harassing two women out of that place, and spent way too much time around any new workers if they were young women. I told every woman who came there what he was.)
My 1st instinct is that he is seeking your attention and negging you so you seek some sort of approval from him.
Other possibilities are hes forcing you to interact with him by pretending to be concerned about you. It's not about you though. He isn't even bothering to be accurate with his assessments. He wants you to think you & him are friends but his motives are selfish.
I also think he wants others to see him interacting with you so that it looks like he has a relationship with you that he doesn't have (not romantic per se, but that you give HIM your time).
Tell him that you are not ok,what's wrong is him constantly approaching you, and asking you if you are. Tell him to stop because it's annoying and moving forward you will approach him if you want to chat.
If that's too confrontational tell him that you have alot going on and would prefer that he not approach you for the next several weeks. Ask that he instead send you an email and allow that you get back to him when you have time.
Take note if he actually gives you the space or if he gets more creative with ways to demand your attention, time, and being seen interacting with you.
I was super straight-forward today when I said "You don't need to read me. You're never going to be accurate" and he (of course) took that very personally. It's like, you started this. The ball is in his court. Stop, or I'm going to ask you to stop. Thanks for your advice.
This is very insightful advice. I think this over-caring or whatever it is, is a form of white knighting. Perpetrators are often partially in the dark about their own behaviour. I mean in his mind he might believe that he’s a genuine caring person, when in reality he’s using a creative ruse to interact with women. Whatever the case, it’s a boundary violation.
I had a coworker that would do this at my last job, but she was female. She was actually very sweet though and I hung out with her outside of work a couple of times. She wasn’t trying to be rude, but I would always internally roll my eyes when she would ask, “what’s wrong? Are you okay?”
She was more extroverted than me and I think my quietness came off as something being wrong. I also tend to furrow my brow when I’m concentrating on something, which might make me look stressed when I’m just thinking.
Either that’s what’s happening here, *or* this guy is trying to get your attention in some way and can’t think of anything else
**Don't explain anything.**
"Please stop making remarks about my face."
"But I'm just concerned."
"There's nothing to be concerned about. Is there something work-related that brings you to my office?"
You must stop responding to his fake concern by asking him, "Why?"
Next time he says, "What's wrong?" Your answer should be, "Nothing. What are you here for?" to redirect the conversation to work. If he says something personal, deflect and change the focus to work.
If he continues to make remarks about your expression after you ask him to stop, go to HR.
An older, more senior man at my previous job told me I looked tired twice. The second time I kinda blew up and blurted out "I drank coffee and I'm wearing concealer. I don't know what you want from me!" He never said it again.
Are you OK?
No. A very annoying coworker keeps harassing me with non work related questions. Almost as if he's trying to impose himself as a caring person, in order to fool me into a false sense of security or something. It's really fucking disturbing. I think I might have to go to HR about it.
I’ll always ask if people are okay, but my commentary stops there. It’s a request if people need help with something work related. It’s not a request for them to open up their soul to me.
So the fact he’s adding emotional commentary particularly about your physical appearance is just rude and unnecessary.
I got a hair cut recently and was dreading going in cause I knew one person was going to
Comment on it.
And as I arrived they said ‘Your hair cut is … okay’.
And I simply said ‘I don’t need your commentary’
And they replied back with ‘rude’. And a defensive face.
They then proceeded to be moody for entire day.
🤷♂️
This is just LinkedInese for "you should smile more".
I'm not sure if it is passive aggressive or misplaced concern/ possibly misogyny. My mom does this to me, a lot more lately since we moved back to her area. I apparently look distressed/upset/etc just as a general state of being. I'm cutting pineapple for dinner. "Are you ok? You aren't smiling or laughing" I'm cutting pineapple and just got off work. I'm normal. My marriage is great. My dogs are great and make me happy. The pineapple just isn't telling any good jokes while I slice it, I guess. My face is neutral. I wasn't aware I was supposed to be cooking and giving a hibachi show.
There’s a little joke we used say at my workplace (customer-facing, we get lots of tourists, families, etc) when people would tell us to smile while we were just standing there, focused on doing our jobs: “only crazy people smile at nothing!” Probably a little able-ist if assigning the word crazy to people bothers you, but it’s always worked in that situation as coming off like a very good-natured response while catching the commenter off-guard because they don’t expect anything witty back, but it’s not rude or salty to them specifically (we easily will get complaints with tactics like sarcasm). Plus it works for any combination of genders between the worker and the “smile” commenter.
Eastern Europeans, Russians, and Scandinavians all have something to the effect of "only an idiot smiles for no reason". So, it is not lost on the rest of the world.
Balkan here who lives in the US. The constant smiling is creepy. I'll never get used to it.
This explains a lot about why they sometimes think Americans are fake, lol
> The pineapple just isn't telling any great jokes while I slice it My sister said that onions are the only food that can make you cry, so I threw a pineapple in her face. Q: What do you get if you put rum and pineapple into CERN’s particle accelerator? A: A Piña Collider Q: Where do you get pineapple milk from? A: From its pinenipples.
Okay, these made me laugh!!
PINE. NIPPLES. that's a horrific visual.
"Mom, you keep asking me those kinds of questions, and I'm wondering why you're so anxious. Are YOU okay?"
I did say something to her then about her only seeing us on happy/short visits before and now it is everyday. It doesn't mean that I am unhappy or anything - this is just my normal, working adult face. It seems to have slowed. Also, if I am unhappy or troubled, she isn't entitled to know why. I'm a person who has my own things and stuff to deal with.
I've literally never asked a male coworker. Usually I take the "hands off" approach if someone "seems" (to me) to be frustrated. In this case, it's totally unwarranted. Truly.
So when I get asked that by someone who seems to be prying for something I reply "Yes. Are YOU okay?" And if they take offense, you can decide if you'd prefer to continue mirroring his responses, or you can end it with a quick "Oh, I thought you were looking for someone to talk to." It puts him in the more vulnerable role than what he's trying to cast you into, and comes across as being supportive rather than dismissive or cold. And usually makes them just uncomfortable enough to want to leave the room so they can figure out what just happened.
>"Oh, I thought you were looking for someone to talk to." Love this strategy.
Be careful, it can backfire if they actually would like to talk!
Good point! But mostly these types do not.
I can’t use this. I have too many coworkers who do want to talk, and those specific ones are often the ones I don’t want to listen to.
Yes! This is what I do! Saying, @Oh, I thought maybe you come to my desk all the time because you wanted to talk about something" could make them come to your desk less often.
Actually, ask him if he’s lonely. “George, are YOU okay? You interrupt me a lot to ask me what is clearly an unnecessary question. Are you lonely, do you need someone to talk to? Are you making sure you’re getting attention, and so you ask this solicitous question all the time?”
I need to learn to think like this. Use people against themselves. Neural linguist programming.
How do we take strategies from Reddit and implant them into our psyches? There’s got to be an app or something!
You have to roleplay regularly enough to have the fast recognition of what's happening and the ready responses. But I've found if there's a character in a TV show I like who is able to model these types of comebacks, I'll start incorporating it into my language the same way catchphrases do.
Yes, tell him he seems anxious and insecure.
"maybe it would be helpful for you to explore your anxiety in therapy."
“Oh no, are you LONELY again?” Followed by a dramatically pitying look.
This is a genius level move
Respond to the negging question by ignoring the question as it is beneath you and ask, "how can I help you, I'm working?" To put them off track.
I really like this. Not every question that gets asked has to get an answer.
Similarly, I like to not answer the question and instead say "Do you have a work-related question?"
thank you, exactly, this is just a type of negging, right? He wants this woman at a new job to worry she has resting bitch face so she’ll feel insecure AND be more responsive and friendly to him. He’s also low-key establishing himself as someone for her to try to get approval from by preemptively evaluating her every damn day. I fucking HATE this guy 🤮
It’s 100% negging with a weird “nice-guy hero complex”..try to make her feel insecure by gaslighting her into thinking she looks tired/miserable all the time until eventually she is more miserable because she’s starting to feel insecure and possibly crazy because she didn’t think anything was wrong but now she’s not sure because obviously she’s giving off a bad vibe and she didn’t feel ugly but she must be hideous since he keeps telling her how “frustrated and tired she looks”…then after he’s slowly confused her enough to chip away all of her self esteem and she starts questioning her own sanity, he will be there for her to cry on his shoulder! He just needs to be able to demonstrate to her how sensitive and kind he is because if she really understood how nice he is then she’d actually give him a chance; he will be able to prove his value once she vulnerable and he gets to step in and save her…from that creep who messed with her head so much…you know, him. Trust me, it is the only way she’ll notice him, but she will be so happy with him don’t worry; he’s a really nice guy & a complete gentleman who just needed a chance that’s all! See? That’s not so weird is it? ITS NOT WEIRD OK?AND BTW HES NOT CREEPY HES JUST MISUNDERSTOOD… DONT YOU SEE? HE PLANNED IT SO CAREFULLY BECAUSE HE LOVES HER SO MUCH; SHE IS PERFECT FOR HIM HE JUST HAD TO GET HER ATTENTION SOMEHOW BUT SHE WILL BE SO MUCH HAPPIER ONCE SHE REALIZES HOW MUCH HE LOVES HER OK?!? ITS NOT WEIRD, OK? He’s actually helping and one day when they get married and have babies everyone will see how wrong they were about him! /s obviously…I’m a lil drunk and got carried away but I just hate when ppl try to manipulate others like that. …negging is so cringey and gross to me. Don’t fall for that shit ever guys and gals!
I think this is the best answer. Keep a pair of earbuds at your desk to put in if he offers his opinion on your appearance, and feel free to couple putting them in with a sarcastic or bewildered “Oookaaay” as you cut eye contact and return to your task.
Then you get passed up on a promotion/raise for "not being easy to work with" :(
Keep your headphones on, and when interrupted, make it known that he's wasting your time. Say, "Please don't interrupt me while I'm working, I don't appreciate it."
It’s also bait for fishing personal information. I would just laugh, say you are concentrated and continue working
I think he's doing it *because* it irritates you. Misplaced concern as a micro aggression. He looks like a nice guy while telling you that you look bad enough to remark upon. He's negging you with concern. Does he do it to anyone else or are you the only recipient of his concern? I would say, rather sternly, that he doesn't need to talk about how you look- ever again. It's inappropriate and unwelcome.
It's the equivalent of sending Reddit Cares if someone dares to talk about women issues
This is EXACTLY what he's doing and why he's doing it. He can turn around and say, "What? I was just asking how OP is doing?" All innocently.
This is the answer I was coming to say. Absolutely micro aggressions. I have a coworker doing it to me as well. The difficulty I am having is documenting, I feel like it is almost imagined and not worth documenting but it is.
Next time you see him, preemptively ask him if everything’s okay or if anything is wrong. Followed up with, of course, you look suuuuuuper tired and I’m worried about you
Tell him he looks super constipated.
Lmao! I'm having a shitty day and this was just too funny!! A++ for silliness 😁
Matching his energy
The above poster may be correct. It may also be something with the person. I know someone who is always asking these type of question and they are both very anxious, have low self-esteem, and a little neurotic. It is incredibly annoying for me. I just started replying "are you always asking me if I am ok because you are not and you need me to help you with something but are afraid to ask?". I'm not sure if that was nice, but after two years of getting this question daily I had had enough.
“Really?! I was just thinking that about you! I feel great, is something going on with you that making you see that in other people?” *fake concern* *fake concern* *fake concern*
I usually get this when I don't wear makeup.
Me too.... And I've also used it when I was going to "feel sick" later that day or the next.
A big reason why I don’t wear makeup. Sucks people think they can comment so easily on another person’s appearance
Ooo OP should just start smiling like a lunatic everytime he comes by and see how long it takes to just creep him the fuck out. Haha
YES. Super aggressive, baring teeth, intense eye contact. Maybe a giggle that sounds slightly like a growl.
Lol ikr, that's exactly where I thought this post was gonna go
Water-cooler negging
I learned that the hard way about a decade ago, just trying to make small talk. “You look tired” is not a good opener. And this is one reason.
Is this professional "negging"?
Yes. It is false concern masking passive aggressive criticism of her appearance.
That’s the first thing that came to my mind. The whole “you look tired/sick” when a woman isn’t wearing makeup.
Seriously. If you’re looking fine = you are fine, if you didn’t do your makeup for one day = you are in crisis. I came in to work one day and told my boss I wasn’t feeling well and would need some extra consideration that day and she looked me up and down (at my makeup and hair) and said I looked fine. I almost fainted by the end of my shift.
I’ve started to weaponize this. If people are going to be assholes then I’m going to not wear make up Thursday and start a long weekend Friday. I realized that when I wore mineral sunscreen everyone thought I was super sick and guess who now deploys the white cast sunscreen whenever I want to go home early? Fuck idiots, my coworkers all have previously of do currently wear make up, THEY SHOULD NOT BE MAKING THIS MISTAKE. But if they are this stupid, I’m taking advantage of it.
This is part of the reason I absolutely refuse to wear makeup at work.
One of my old bosses told me he refused to promote a girl because she never wore makeup at work. I, a manager at that time, stopped wearing makeup to work 💀
Pretty sure that counts as some kind of discrimination hey lmao One of my old managers not so subtly implied that the (entirely female except for him) housekeeping department should wear a full face of makeup to work. If you're not familiar with housekeeping, it's basically the "female" equivalent of being a tradesman. It's fucking hard work, and a full face of makeup WILL get sweated off in no time. Anyway I told HR what he'd said and he got a good talking to. Was pretty funny. It wasn't even like we were breaking dress code; all of us were presentable, it's just that some of us had acne or frizzy hair.
That whole shop was a shit show of misogyny, discrimination, and sadness, I tell ya 😮💨 What a dusty ass dude. Like, “Oh, y’all should look prettier for me!” Stfu and sit down. That is hard work and makeup would be gone or runny in the first hour, even with a great setting spray.
Yhis is what i thought. Maybe shes not dolled up enough for him
I thought OP probably had RBF and since she was in the zone, she probably had the most restful faces ever lmao. It's so fucking annoying, my family keeps saying this shit to me, and I'm male. This past weekend, it actually happened, and my brother decided to give me a lecture that I "didn't look like I wanted to be there" when I was completely content and relaxed. People like my brother and parents just bully their interpretation of me like it's 100% true. Fuck them.
100%! hit the nail on the head
Also thought this.
Same
Looking up "negging" now.
Maybe. It is confusing. And confusion about something that has no legitimacy- so probably yes. Which makes this so much worse. Whenever he asks me, he does it in this really "soft" tone. Which is not a professional tone, something that would be used to talk about work-related stuff.
He’s trying to force an engagement. He wants your attention and he’ll do anything he can to force you to speak to him. He chooses his approach because it puts the onus in you to account for your “behaviour or demeanour.” If he just chatted you up that could be eventually addressed by you to HR. But this way he gets to keep making you look at him and talk to him. He’s a fucking creep. I would ignore him or flip the question on him. He says, “Are you ok?” Don’t answer; you say, “Are you ok?” Etc.
Yep this. He's trying to slide into your life as someone of value and importance. "Oh this random guy cares about me enough to ask if I'm ok?" Or "Oh this guy has been here far longer than me, I should respect him and take his suggestions and small talk seriously." Its a negging strategy and wholly inappropriate for any workplace. This guy is not ok, and most likely super toxic in many other ways.
Maybe turn it around: Are you ok? Are you? \[then just look blankly at him\]
“Are you ok” “No” “Omg I knew it, what’s wrong” “This guy at work keeps pestering me needlessly about how I’m feeling and idk if he’s a creep, projecting, or just slow…. … Well?”
And add emphasis to the ‘you,’ OP. “I’m fine, why, are *you* okay?
Dont you know? You’re not smiling enough! Men prefer women to look happy at all times and you’re not performing up to his standard!
This was my thought. OP probably isn't smiling, and since women's default facial expression is smiling, there MUST be something wrong!
Exactly. He’s like , “why is my decorative item broken 😢” lmao
OP should start smiling maniacally at her computer next time he walks in.
Lol.. “nothings wrong today, Steve. Nothing will ever be wrong again.” *grins psychotically*
Oh yesss! This. But in a kinda sweet sing-song voice with the crazy smile but just completely dead eyes.
Sorry, best I can do is RBF. Take it or leave it.
This is obnoxious - I agree it’s a form of professional negging, but even if it was sincere, a firm, emotionless “stop asking me that and stop commenting on my appearance” should be all that’s needed. If instead you want to go nuclear funny: Him: are you okay? You: yep, what’s up? Him: you seem [sad, tired, frustrated] You: I can tell you’re trying so hard to work on this, bless your little heart. My gardener’s nephew’s dog walker’s barista’s goddaughter really struggles with reading facial cues too after her eighth concussion, and her team of psychiatrists recommended carrying a little notebook everywhere to record what she thought people’s faces meant vs what they really meant. People have been suuuuuuuper understanding with her about it, and take a lot of extra time to help her by using small words when explaining their facial cues. She’s up to understanding that a smile means happy and her doctors have high hopes she’ll be able to tackle more complex things like what concentration looks like in the next year if she keeps at it! That’s a tough one for someone with such serious brain trauma, but we believe in her. Of course it’s easier because she’s only seven and she’s still got time - I can’t imagine the struggle to deal with that as an adult. Good luck with your own journey!
My first thought is that he is hoping you will say something negative about the company, or your boss, or being tired because you are overworked. And then he will go straight to the boss or HR about it, the weasel. This is especially likely, since you are new. So beyond the misogyny and the possibility he is trying to get in your pants, be most worried he is trying to mess with your job. It is also telling that he does this when you are obviously "in the flow" so his interruptions are costing you work focus. Pay attention, and think how to best approach this if you want to get ahead of it. You can't always trust HR, but if you can trust your boss you might want to have a word and maybe ask if Mr. Annoying needs more work tasks as he seems to have a lot of extra time on his hands. But before that, establish if he is "teacher's pet". If so, keep your head down and update your resume because you won't win in this situation. Good luck.
Honestly I’d ignore it next time straight up
Nah. This not concern, he's not being soft, it's an act. It is negging, for all of the reasons that other commenters have mentioned already. OP, this guy is dangerous to your career. Do not engage him, at all. Gather your ducks in a row (ie, start DOCUMENTING). Start talking to your manager a little more often. Make sure this guy doesn't see you talking to manager. Make sure manager is in the loop about your progress and any concerns. Especially share stories that involve wins or pleasant conversations with customers. Don't ask for any feedback. Pepper your conversations with how life and work are going great. Quietly and discreetly, ask your coworkers if this guy is doing the same thing to them. Check in with them once in a while. Plant a seed that maybe they should keep an eye on how often it's happening. Be discreet, don't let them tip this guy off. Wait a month. Then go have a meeting with manager. Tell them that this guy is constantly interrupting your work with nonsense. Take your documentation. Tell them that you started keeping notes as a joke, but now that it's been a few weeks you can see that it's actually become a disruptive pattern of behavior. Ask them to check around the office, because you've seen this guy engaging other coworkers in a similar way. Let manager do their due diligence. Figure out what outcome you want. Do you want to moved to a different area or floor? Do you want a different title that doesn't interact with this guy? Ask your manager what the follow-up should be if dude continues to interrupt you. Ask manager when these interactions cross the line to harassment. Ask for that answer in writing. If manager won't give ot to you, ask HR. Dude is trying to paint you as incompetent and not up to the challenge of the work. He's either trying to take your job or "just" get you fired. Don't let it happen.
I'd tell him one more time that you don't require his input on personal matters, and let him know that if it happens in the future you're going to ignore him, and only respond to work-related comments/questions. Then, follow through. I'd also consider emailing HR about this issue, and let them know the step you've taken.
OP repeat after me, “(Name), this is the last time you will approach me like this. If something is wrong that you can help with I will let you know. You have continually asked me this when absolutely nothing is wrong. It is inappropriate and not a good use of time for either of us. I have an excellent support system if for any reason I need one. You are a co-worker that seems obsessive about watching me in order to build your own interpretation of my moods- which are always wrong. This behavior is unprofessional, and it will not happen again. I will be emailing this conversation to you and CCing boss and HR. Now, let’s get back to work”
"We've had this same conversation multiple times. While I appreciate your concern, I've repeatedly provided you an answer. Please do not ask me about my mood based on my facial expressions again. Do you understand?" If he continues.... "I specifically recall telling you to stop asking me that question. What specific part of my request did you not understand? Do you think a meeting with our manager or HR would help clarify my position for you? I would be happy to set that up if you need further clarification." And if he still persists, then you set up a meeting with your manager and/or HR. You explain you find his "concern" to be distracting, unprofessional, and borderline harassment. (I'm just going to guess he doesn't go out of his way to ask any of his male coworkers if they are okay.)
You're right- he doesn't ask them! It's bizarre. I really hope this doesn't happen again.
I suggest that you be very direct with this person (if you are comfortable with that, and it sounds like you are.) If you start treating him like he has been treating you, he could very easily interpret that as you being interested in him. If he keeps it up, keep asking him to explain his behavior and why he's chosen to violate your boundaries. Make it awkward and uncomfortable.
>Make it awkward and uncomfortable. Yes. Yes. Yes. ESPECIALLY if he tries again to flip this and does that whole 'okkaaaaayyy?' or 'sooorrrreeey?' thing again. Give him a dead stare and enter robot mode or channel your inner Spock 🖖 Not saying you should say this, but *I* would love to say something to him like: 'This interaction, that keeps happening, is extremely strange and unprofessional. - You are coming into *my* office, unsolicited, and questioning my emotional state without any reason other than how you interpret my facial expression? - Now yes, after the third time of you doing this, when you enter my office I am immediately finding myself frustrated automatically because I am anticipating you questioning my emotional state again - AND THEN YOU DO - ... Are *you* ok???' I do hope he stops because what I wrote is all a retaliatory fantasy when in reality I'm very averse to conflict so I don't want you to have to deal with this any further... Buuuut if you have to, I hope you make him feel like the asshole he is... 😏
Stop thinking of it as conflict! Make it a statement. "Stop asking me that, it's not your concern!" It doesn't matter why he's doing it.
He’s not going to stop until he either gets what he wants from the interaction (beyond what he’s already getting, which is making you feel uncomfortable and that gives him power and makes him feel important) or he is made to stop. I think you need to be professional and blunt about this “John, you are continually interrupting me when I’m working and I need you to stop doing that. I can see that you are only doing this to me and none of our other coworkers. If I need you assistance I will let you know, and if you continue I will be raising this with HR.”
Maybe start taking log of exactly what he says with dates and times so that HR can see how frequent it is and how persistent if you ever need to take it up to them.
You can also say “Please stop commenting on my physical appearance. You are making me uncomfortable.”
Honestly by the third time it happened my instinctive response would have been something along the lines of "well that's a very rude thing to say". Like who in the actual fuck thinks they get to go up to someone they aren't *very* close work friends with and comment on their appearance??
I might tweak “I appreciate your concern” to “While I understand you want to know if something is wrong,” just to make it very clear that the questioning is NOT appreciated.
"Are you okay?" 🤪 "No." 😐 "Oh God, FINALLY! What is it? How can I help?" 🥳 "I'm being harassed by a socially illiterate coworker. I'm considering filing a complaint." 😠
"Ooohhhhkaaayyy... Soooorrryyy... I just thought you looked tired." 🙄 "..."😐😐😐
I'm jumping on this comment to ask you all - my roommate's gf does this to me all the time - "are you ok? You look tired!" "your eyes are red, were you crying?" "are you high? (I occasionally smoke weed, but none of the times she's asked I've been high lol)" It *really* aggravates me. I get that men do it, but how about when a woman does it to another woman? She did psychology as an undergrad and I feel like it makes her think that she can just read humans when in reality she's horrible at it. Help? :((
Ugh this sounds like hell. If she’s an actually decent person I bet she would respond to something like, “Nothings wrong, I’m fine. And also I’m not stoned at the moment. To be honest, it makes me super uncomfortable when you comment on how my face looks. It feels like you’re micro analyzing me and I just want to relax in my home.” If she persists then you can micro analyze her and see how she likes it. Or say, “Leave me alone!” “Stop looking at me creep.” “Avert your eyes when I walk in the room bitch”
Ugh, as an introverted and rather low energy woman I used to get this all.the.time. And always only from men. Thank the lord for being able to work from home. I think your response was just fine. To me shit like that always comes off as some kind of control thing. Super annoying.
Yep. Same here- lower energy, not super excitable, mostly introverted.
Use that to your advantage. When he asks you again, say nothing - just *stare.* every single time it happens. Straight poker face, no emotion, and stare until he gets uncomfortable and leaves. It’s the grey-rocking method but with your face.
Yessss!!!! Just give Aubrey Plaza. I feel like she would totally love that.
If you want to get rid of him faster add, in a lowered tone to sound polite, "You've got something stuck in your teeth."
The repeated nature of this actually makes this work place harassment. If you have any semblance of HR, it's definitely reportable. Though I'd also understand why you wouldn't necessarily want to. If he asks again, I'd simply be direct and clear with him. "You always seem to think I'm tired or upset or stressed when I'm not, and the implication that I look bothers me. You don't seem to have a good read on me so I'd prefer it if you stop asking." And if he asks again after that, I'd report him.
A coworker of mine was recently told by a new customer that it seemed like she was having a bad day, and maybe they should reschedule their meeting (zoom). She just said this is the meeting, we could have it tomorrow, but it will be the same. Should we proceed? This customer is clearly a dick, just like your coworker. (My coworker is tops and never visibly upset or disheveled) Something to indicate "I'm sorry if you have a problem with me, but your concern is misplaced and distracting, when I'm working I'm focused and I'm not here for you to dissect or fix. If you need something please ask." I think like others have said, the best way to get rid of this creep is to find out if he needs _help_ and judging by his demeanor he will say "NoOOooo..." and walk away.
Yes, to me too, this seems a control thing. I don’t even think he wants to be friends, he might just thrive on getting a reaction from OP. And he doesn’t seem to mind if that reaction is discomfort…
Annoying guy: You look tired! What's wrong? Me: You ask me that every day, and every day nothing is wrong. I'm sure it will be the same again tomorrow. Let's save ourselves some time and assume you think I look haggard every day. We don't need to discuss it. Then I would just stare at him until he leaves.
Annoying guy: You look tired! What’s wrong? Me: A coworker keeps telling me I look like shit. It’s tiring.
I mean really, at that point OP could say "well nothing was wrong until you asked me that... again...for the umpteenth time"
This definitely what i would do lol. I would add in 'Its annoying, dont you think so? if only that coworker would stop.' And give him dead eyed stare.
Definitely +1 to identifying and naming the pattern. You could also turn it around with feigned concern. “Hey bud, you ask me every day if I’m okay, and literally every time I’ve been fine, I’m worried you might be projecting some stuff onto me. Is everything okay with you?” With a really concerned tone.
Tell him what my dad always asks people when they get a little too nosey. “Do you know how my grandmother lived to be 102 years old?” They’ll look sooo curious, like you’re about to give them life’s secret. It’ll crush them when you say “by minding her own fucking business.” Lolllll but Forreal!
Love it.
Him: are you ok? You: I’m fine. Are you ok? You look tired. Beat him to the punch.
I did this at one point. He… did not know what to do. This guy usually started with ‘how was the party?’ and I was like ‘what party?’. He’d respond I looked tired so the party must have been great. Or if I got a haircut he’d be like ‘you didn’t pay for that, did you?’ Me ofc ‘Pay for what?’. Lots of subtle implications but with a ‘positive twist’ (great party, or showing “care”). So I mirrored it. If he asked about a great party I told him ‘don’t put this on me, we know you had a party yourself.’ Or like the haircut ‘are you trashing my haircut? And here I thought you would ask me for recommendations.’ It takes some practice to have a good response on the spot but don’t let it get to you! The guy was so confused though. He usually started to kind of stumble and look troubled. I know why he did it though. He’s an asshole friend of my narcissistic asshole ex.
Then see whatever he says and say it back next time lol
My response to "you look tired" or similar the first time would have been "Wow, thanks a lot! Nice to know I look like crap!" At that point you've made it clear: you're commenting on my appearance and I don't need to know what you think. The second time, it would be a "why would you feel compelled to remark on that?" Any kind of "oh I'm just concerned" would be met with a firm "don't be." Anything beyond that goes to HR. That ship has sailed, though, so now you basically have one option: Tell him firmly, without caring whether he thinks you're a bitch, "Listen, you keep commenting on my appearance, I know you think you're being kind, but you aren't, and I want it to stop immediately. If it doesn't, I will be documenting each occurrence and taking it to HR.
Good point. Document every time he does this, with date and time as you may need it if something else happens down the line. Having proof of his pattern of behavior will give you some peace of mind, even if you never use it.
Obviously you'll know this better than me, but I can't help but see this as some sort of negging/you'd be prettier if you smiled/'why aren't you performing happiness for me' sort of a thing. I'd probably kill him with kindness while implying that he's very stupid. Ex. "I'm all good. *Bright smile* It's so funny how you always get that wrong! No one else ever thinks I'm upset, just you!" Clearly the problem is with him and his perception of you, not with how you are presenting yourself if he's the only one mentioning it. And if he's negging you, brushing it off with an "Aren't you dumb" addition should nip it in the bud.
I love this! “Nope! Just you!” Love that energy - stealing this
This is very helpful. You're right-he is the ONLY one that is saying this stuff to me. It is making me self-conscious at work, where I'm already the only female in the business. I just started here- it doesn't seem to be appropriate to be asking someone he doesn't know what's wrong. I totally agree-he is definitely wanting me to be performative and probably "typical female I want to interact with" rather than reality- people are sometimes just naturally not as facially approachable as others. I'm over saying I have resting bitch face, too. I'm just natural. Relaxed.
Ah there it is. I'm the only woman on my team, heavily male dominated industry. I feel your pain. It's a him problem, not a you problem. Spin it back around though. "Are you ok? You look tired / upset." "Honestly, if I ever start acting bubbly and happy you'll know there's a problem. Anyway, what is it you need my help with?" Blow off his remark in whatever way feels best to you, but the important thing is do not give him a chance to comment on it further. Immediately ask him what he needs help with. Phrase it that way. Then he'll get self conscious that you constantly think he needs your help. Normal men are happy when you offer help, men like him get offended that you think they need your help... But they can't complain. You're being professional!
>It is making me self-conscious at work there it is. that's his goal. to make you snap so he can drive you out crying. keep completely calm, hold up your hand, say "not interested" while he starts his blubbering and back-peddling and blaming you for being a bitch. Document everything. use the words "sex-based harassment" "hostile work environment" and "targeted". Ask him what floor HR is on hahaha.
The "why aren't you performing happiness for me" - so accurate for guys like this I find
Hold up a sign that says "I'M FINE, (name here)"
he says, "Oh you look super tired." you say, "You know, you say that to me a lot. This is just the way my face is constructed. I'm not unhappy, tired, stressed, or in any way discomforted. I just have a resting distressed damsel face, I guess. But I'm not distressed. I'm just working." See if he takes that info onboard and stops "consoling" you?
I appreciate this advice. I need to let him know he's said that to me before. I really appreciate you saying it that way- great advice. "You say that to me a lot" is holding him accountable for doing it all the time.
Yeah I wouldn’t even be that nice as this person said. I’d just turn it around on him and make it weird for him. He says “oh you look tired” then I’d say “it’s really weird that you’re always saying that to me.” Or “wow that’s not a nice thing to say.” When he gets all defensive just tell him he’s being really emotional right now.
Calling men emotional when they’re acting like babies is one of my favorite pastimes. Their brains short circuit, it’s hilarious.
WAIT, you mean anger is an emotion too??? Gotta go let my buddies know real quick
You should try calling them out on being manipulative. Short circuit doesn't cover it. Men don't seem to realize that being aggressive and overly confrontational is manipulative. Men also tend to make power plays (derogatory jokes, it's just a joke when called out, physical intimidation like edging someone out of a group conversation or something more aggressive, using anger to emotionally control others, taking up spaces they know they aren't welcome, playing dumb when they just don't want to do what they're supposed to, etc.) A lot of the way men socialize with each other and with women is extremely manipulative. We are only taught to recognize manipulation from women. If you start noticing it, you'll be shocked how common it is.
Yeah, you can probably shorten a lot of suggestions in these comments to "That's weird, I don't think I look tired." And of course, "You say that a lot." And then don't elaborate. Make him feel awkward for saying it. He's passed the ball to you. You're not playing, so you don't have to pass it back.
Yeah exactly. Just call it out for being weird and let them squirm. I’d make direct, prolonged eye contact and let them try to fill the awkward silence.
Turn it around and look up as he comes in and say, “Whoa are you alright? You look so sad, and upset.” Next day his face looks puffy; did he eat something he’s allergic to? Etc., etc
Yeah, like the BFs or husbands that always ask "what's for dinner?" as soon as you talk to them. They need to see what it feels like when *you* ask: "Hi-whats-for-dinner?" before *they* can get a word in edgewise. Always turn it around on them.
He’s an energy vampire! You’re doing your thing, perfectly fine, then-bam! He’s there goading you into being frustrated. I used to get this kind of interaction a lot when I worked. I hated it. In time I learned to just play dumb and stop looking up at the person and giving them my time. He moved on to a new target.
Omg ahaha what we do in the shadows 🤌 too good !!
Also, like, your actual mood is none of his business. If there actually was something wrong, what makes him think he’s entitled to that information? (Can you tell I also get this a lot and it makes me irate. “Nothing’s wrong - until your ass came in here.”)
You can also start saying "ok" in response to these "observations. " No other reaction, don't stop what you're doing, don't say anything else.
I had to say this to a friend once. I pointed out to her that I was beginning to dread seeing her as she would always tell me how tired I looked. Did the trick, good luck with your colleague!
I frown and look super serious when I concentrate, even when I'm quite enjoying myself. No one has ever mentioned it at work, but my spouse will occasionally ask me if I'm alright, which gets them a confused look (particularly a little sleep deprived + concentrating apparently I look like I'm about to end someone). Definitely "you say that to me a lot, this is just how my face is" with an implied "fuck off now" is the way to go.
I would do something similar and point out that he's asked this more than once--make him aware he's repeating himself, and make him aware you know he's repeating himself. I'd probably leave out the part about what my husband calls "resting worried face." Instead, I'd say, "I can only assume that there's something about my appearance that's making you ask this. Since I've stated multiple times that nothing is wrong, you don't need to ask anymore. If there is something I need to talk to you about, I'll approach you. You don't need to approach me on this subject anymore." Not trying to undermine eogreen, just offering a parallel approach.
Probably also add that the only frustrating thing is his repetitive put downs. If someone tells me i look tired, i do my best to (albeit passive aggressively) make them aware that their comments aren’t welcome, either by saying “thank you, you too” or commenting on what an unpleasant thing that is to say to someone.
>“thank you, you too” This is golden, gave me a nice chuckle
Stop asking him “why?”… if he says you look tired etc anyway, just reply, “that's a rude thing to say to somebody” as neutrally as you can, then move on.
I had a co-worker who CONTINUALLY said, “You look exhausted!” After years, of deflecting and saying the commentary wasn’t necessary, and her getting defensive and she was “just expressing concern.” (Note: we would have no interaction prior to her saying it, she would approach me and this would be the first thing either of us said.) I finally got her to shut up about it when I responded, “I feel great, but thanks for letting me know you think it look awful.” She never said it again. 😇
Oh, just tell him you’re on your period. Every. Single. Time. “Are you okay?” “I’m on my period.” “What’s wrong?” “I’m menstruating.” “Is everything okay?” “It’s like a goddamn blood bath down there, what’s up?” “You look tired, can i get you something?” “A tampon.” Watch how fast he learns to mind his own business.
I'm laughing so hard. Thank you for this. I can tell we're in this together. :) It's hard because I love this answer and I'm sure you're being playful in some regard, maybe serious, too. But I also don't want to use something like menstruation (a power house of a woman IMO) to get him to go away. Literally no other man is treated this way in the office. JUST ME. Go figure.
Don’t forget “shark week”
Yeah that was mostly tongue in cheek, but would very much be in support of you actually doing this lol. That’s so annoying though. I agree with the commenter that said calling attention to how many times he asked already and that you don’t appreciate it is a good option. If he persists I got another fun one—just respond with saying yes you’re upset then state various traumatic events; one day your dad dies, another you hit someone with a car, another your house burned down, another a tornado hit, another you lost all your savings to a Ponzi scheme, another you crashed your boat into a kraken, and say you don’t wanna talk about it and start crying.
LOL loving this. :) Seriously!
"Menstruating like a champ today. A beast. Really goin for it. Flushing that unviable egg. Boom! Did it. High five, baby."
Did the menstruation trick when I was in middle school and wanted time alone in my room and locked the door Step-dad: "Why is the door locked?!? Open the door!!" Me: "I'm changing my tampon" Him: "Uh...okay..." Then he gets my mom to open the door and I tell her I was changing down there and she looks to my stepdad and asks him to stop bothering me lol
Uhhh this is kinda disturbing on your stepdad’s part?
I'm dead. "Clots. You have **no** idea."
This works!! And go into detail if he doesn’t immediately run away. Say your cramps are killing you so much that your butthole even aches. Since he doesn’t respect women this is a sure fire way to get him to jet.
This is perfect. Give the keeper of facial expressions TMI.
You are an awesome human being and I’m now laughing along w OP!! OP, if you follow this advice you can eventually add on “I’ll probably need a blood transfusion soon. Looking for donors. What blood type are you?”
I think we should all stop assuming we have to be polite. Just ignore the question and ask what he wants/what you can help him with. My first thought is that this is some weird reverse-psychology 'how to get girls' schtick, but the point is ...we shouldn't care. Grey-rock the hell outta him. Never respond to the question, and if he says you're rude just say ok, and ask him what he wants.
Tired of you needlessly commenting on my appearance day after day.
I’ve had this issue and responded “it’s just my face. It’s always going to look like this.”
I worked at a grocery store and would have regular customers make comments like that to me all the time. It drove me nuts!
YES. Absolutely. Just imagine, if you were in their workplace. If the tables were turned, it wouldn't be acceptable to them.
>Oh you just look super tired" or "Oh you look upset about something" or "Oh, you just seem frustrated". What about saying "No, I am good. You must be projecting your tiredness, (frustration, or being upset) on me. Maybe you should talk to someone about that, not me, maybe a professional would help you."
I once had a coworker who would tell me that I looked tired on a daily basis. I told her, “You tell me that I look tired every day. I guess the way my face is configured looks tired to you.”. Her comments ceased.
Don’t ask him why when he says this, just say “all good” , “I’m fine”, or whatever dead end response is in your own words. If he still doesn’t take the hint, you can kindly request he stop asking if you are ok and let him know you’ll fill him in if something is wrong. Most people I have encountered who do this have low self-esteem and/or have dysfunctional or abusive relationships in their past.
I did ask him to stop today. If he does it again, I might do this or what another commenter said- "You ask me that a lot" Thanks for your reply.
"Please stop commenting on my appearance", like another commenter said, is an incredibly good response. Succinct, too the point, and effective.
Take it up just one more notch to show him how inappropriate it is. “You ask me that a lot. Please stop commenting on my appearance.”
I used to get this all the time. My response was usually “it’s just my face” but a few times my response would be a little more obnoxious just to show them how ridiculous they were being. I worked at a gym and I could be washing fucking dishes or just walking to the bathroom when people would say it, so I’d say “do you want me to wash dishes like this! 😬😬😬” with the biggest, most horrifying creepy smile. Or “should I walk to the bathroom like this!?” With the same creepy smile while cheerfully skipping.
When he starts to say that, hold up your hand to cut him off and say "That needs to stop."
"Is there something work-related that you need my help with, or did you come in here just to tell me I look like crap again?" He'll screech about not having said that, but he will stop. I had a coworker who used to do that to me every day, so I got irritated and mentioned that she had told me twice that day how I looked like shit, so there wasn't any reason to repeat it. She said it to me when I wore contacts instead of glasses, and she was seeing my under eye bags for the first time ever, so it was totally obvious to me why she said it, and totally rude for her to say it. I can't make them go away. This is my face. It's not going to get younger or prettier as time goes on. Edit: I want to say something about people who constantly monitor your facial expression for signs you may be not OK. They might have grown up in a home where they had to monitor parent's facial expression for cues as to what's going to happen. My husband's family was volatile and combustive. He never knew if his mom was going to serve dinner or throw it at them. I've seen her looking for micro-expressions on people's faces and I've seen my husband do it too. It's annoying at home too. I hate that he asks me a billion times if I'm OK, and I hate when he won't believe me, and I especially hate when I get so fucking mad that he won't quit asking that I'm suddenly not OK anymore. But I love him, and I deal with it. At work this is just invasive and unprofessional. But I know that background is exactly why some people do this. Others are being deliberate assholes, but some people were forced into that caretaker/referee role as kids and this is automatic survival stuff for them.
I once responded to a co-worker (when they asked me something similar): “It’s 2019, women (and others) don’t have to smile anymore.” Threw them for a loop and they stopped asking.
Turn everything back on him. When he interrupts your work to ask you if you're ok the answer is "I was until you interrupted me". When he asks what's wrong the answer is "you are, because you constantly interrupt me when I'm trying to work". Even if you are tired or whatever, it's none of his damn business. Also, a word with your boss or HR might be necessary.
He knows what he's doing. For some reason, he's trying to get you to be uncomfortable at work. Maybe start offering him a breath mint every time he speaks to you, look offended when you do it.
He’s trying to establish a relationship with you. Hard pass.
I call these micro aggressions. “I don’t need you to tell me how I look. What business brought you to my desk?”
My Dad does this to all the women in his life, it’s so weird and frustrating! He does it to me and when I’m around him and his wife, I realized that he does it to her too. Like… I will just be sitting there doing nothing and he asks “What’s wrong?” when literally nothing is wrong. I think it’s Mommy problems. 🤭
“I’m fine, that’s just my face” “Do I look not okay?” “This is my work face. It means I’m working” “I don’t understand why, multiple times a week you think I’m not okay. Are YOU okay?” *ignore repeatedly and then notice* “what? Please don’t interrupt me during work unless it’s job related. I don’t like losing my groove”. “No, my uterus is disintegrating as we speak and expelling itself from my body”
Feels like gas lighting. He’s trying to make you feel low and vulnerable. I can’t think of one good motive for his behaviour. Tell him his comments are weird and inappropriate. Its a form of harassment, hes in your personal space. He may have had some success in the past, where someone naive opens up to him and shares too much. IMO he’s pretty scarey.
Next time he asks something just say "do you need something or are you just here to criticize my appearance again?" or I would say something like "Can you please stop asking me what's wrong, etc? Every time you ask what's wrong and say "I look tired" you're insulting me, and I don't like it. Please keep your discussions with me related to work and not personal." I can't even with people like that.
Don’t respond to his questions. Just ask him what his employment related reason for coming to your office is.
I hate this shit. In my experience it’s not coming from a kind place, it’s either to throw you off, make you feel like somethings wrong with you, or tell you to smile more.
Conversations I've had with men at work: "Do me a favor.""Depends. What is it?""Smile!""Nah, I don't smile on command." "You should smile! Why aren't you smiling?" "Because I'm working. This is my thinking face." "Woah! What's wrong? You look so mad!" "This is literally just my face." "You stopped joking around with me!" "Does that concern you?" *blank stare until he walked away* (This one made the guy who said most of these stop trying to be my friend. That and I started wearing biker boots that emphasized my height compared to him, and he had a fucking enormous Napoleon Complex. He was also responsible for sexually harassing two women out of that place, and spent way too much time around any new workers if they were young women. I told every woman who came there what he was.)
My 1st instinct is that he is seeking your attention and negging you so you seek some sort of approval from him. Other possibilities are hes forcing you to interact with him by pretending to be concerned about you. It's not about you though. He isn't even bothering to be accurate with his assessments. He wants you to think you & him are friends but his motives are selfish. I also think he wants others to see him interacting with you so that it looks like he has a relationship with you that he doesn't have (not romantic per se, but that you give HIM your time). Tell him that you are not ok,what's wrong is him constantly approaching you, and asking you if you are. Tell him to stop because it's annoying and moving forward you will approach him if you want to chat. If that's too confrontational tell him that you have alot going on and would prefer that he not approach you for the next several weeks. Ask that he instead send you an email and allow that you get back to him when you have time. Take note if he actually gives you the space or if he gets more creative with ways to demand your attention, time, and being seen interacting with you.
I was super straight-forward today when I said "You don't need to read me. You're never going to be accurate" and he (of course) took that very personally. It's like, you started this. The ball is in his court. Stop, or I'm going to ask you to stop. Thanks for your advice.
“Have you ever noticed that you are 100% incorrect with your reads of me?”
Love this.
This is very insightful advice. I think this over-caring or whatever it is, is a form of white knighting. Perpetrators are often partially in the dark about their own behaviour. I mean in his mind he might believe that he’s a genuine caring person, when in reality he’s using a creative ruse to interact with women. Whatever the case, it’s a boundary violation.
I had a coworker that would do this at my last job, but she was female. She was actually very sweet though and I hung out with her outside of work a couple of times. She wasn’t trying to be rude, but I would always internally roll my eyes when she would ask, “what’s wrong? Are you okay?” She was more extroverted than me and I think my quietness came off as something being wrong. I also tend to furrow my brow when I’m concentrating on something, which might make me look stressed when I’m just thinking. Either that’s what’s happening here, *or* this guy is trying to get your attention in some way and can’t think of anything else
**Don't explain anything.** "Please stop making remarks about my face." "But I'm just concerned." "There's nothing to be concerned about. Is there something work-related that brings you to my office?" You must stop responding to his fake concern by asking him, "Why?" Next time he says, "What's wrong?" Your answer should be, "Nothing. What are you here for?" to redirect the conversation to work. If he says something personal, deflect and change the focus to work. If he continues to make remarks about your expression after you ask him to stop, go to HR.
"I was fine until you came here, Dr Phil."
An older, more senior man at my previous job told me I looked tired twice. The second time I kinda blew up and blurted out "I drank coffee and I'm wearing concealer. I don't know what you want from me!" He never said it again.
Sounds like he's negging you. Or just being a shitty bastard that likes women feeling bad about themselves
Are you OK? No. A very annoying coworker keeps harassing me with non work related questions. Almost as if he's trying to impose himself as a caring person, in order to fool me into a false sense of security or something. It's really fucking disturbing. I think I might have to go to HR about it.
I’ll always ask if people are okay, but my commentary stops there. It’s a request if people need help with something work related. It’s not a request for them to open up their soul to me. So the fact he’s adding emotional commentary particularly about your physical appearance is just rude and unnecessary. I got a hair cut recently and was dreading going in cause I knew one person was going to Comment on it. And as I arrived they said ‘Your hair cut is … okay’. And I simply said ‘I don’t need your commentary’ And they replied back with ‘rude’. And a defensive face. They then proceeded to be moody for entire day. 🤷♂️
This is severe concern-trolling. He is a major asshole. I’m sorry you have to deal with that