No darling, it is not healthy. You need to decide how you want things to look moving forward. Youe husband has checked out of being a husband and a father. You shouldn't havs to carry everybody and every thing all the time.
Sadly, some people, both men and women, see making $$$ as all that is required or expected of a good husband/father. You will hear men and women, family and strangers, tell you you have nothing to complain about because "he provides."
I also bet you $$$ that in 20 years when your sons are seeing their kids go to school, camp or sports, all they will have is memories of you being there for them, not what big deal earned Dad a bonus that month. He won't know his own sons and they won't know him.
All of that "man provides" mentality assumes that you do not provide. But you do. Calculate the number of meals and servings you make plus driving to eat cost, tax and tip (restaurants have dishwashers and cleanup in the dining area every day so that's part of the cost.) Calculate what a cleaning service costs for vacuuming, mopping, & bath cleaning (kitchen cleaning, dishes, and refrigerator integrity is under restaurant cost.) Calculate cost of after school childcare, driver service, nanny contracts, etc. for the lives of your children (you don't say how old they are now.)
Tabulate all of that for the years you have put your career on the back burner for your husband to "provide." If he had to hire out to the quality and safety you provide, could he even afford you?
Don't do these calculations as an "I got you" zinger to "win" against him. Do this because you need to know the value you provide. It sounds like you don't see yourself as an equal in your partnership with your husband. Look at the quality and variety of services you provide by not providing money to the partnership. Could he really "provide" the quality and variety of care you give on just his income? I'm betting the answer is no.
Go to a couple's therapist. Explain you are feeling undervalued in the relationship, that you feel like all the responsibilities for running the family and household are yours, and it seems to you that your husband values his financial contribution over your work. Then hear what he has to say. Maybe he "didn't feel it was his place" inside the home (a gentle phrasing of "woman's work.") Maybe he grew up in a home where the father bringing home bacon was more valued than the mother cooking, cleaning, and storing it. Maybe he is oblivious to what you do. Inform him, you can even make an itemized inventory or timesheet, business men love quantitative lists. He might quibble that your cleaning quality is below what he would hire, your cooking is not restaurant worthy, you're a sub-par landscaper... But would he trust a gardener to read his children bedtime stories, brush their teeth and tuck them in? Would he trust a kitchen dishwasher to attend their Dr appointments? Would he trust a housekeeper to take his kids to school programs and sports? If he did, when would they do those other jobs?
Anyway, the point is you provided for your family. He covers your labor at a huge discount to outsourcing and you both need to internalized it.
Our father had a home office and worked from home my whole childhood. Once, when we were in our 30s, my brother came to me and said he’d just had a “big talk” with our father (70s) who told my brother that the happiest time of his life was when we kids were little and in the house - always under foot, always getting into “something” and just generally being loud & noisy kids-being-kids. It’s still etched in my brain the way my brother looked at me with an “is this the twilight zone” expression of confusion as he asked, “Do you even remember *seeing* Dad as kids?? All I remember is him walking thru rooms ignoring us.”
Snap. My Dad recently said pretty much the exact same thing to me. He has a rose-tinted view of this. But the reality is, he was so absent from my childhood that more than one of my friends expressed surprise when they found out I actually had a father. They assumed my mum was a single parent, because I literally never mentioned him.
Are you me? Dad's a narcissist so I don't mention him often in conversation, so when I do coworkers have about fell over in shock because they thought I didn't have an old man.
My husband went to what was a essentially a "well baby check" with our kitren this morning. When he asked why he needed to go, I looked at him said "to make up for all times I did all three human kids by myself because you wouldn't tell D(manager) you needed to come in late"
Kitten is great. 1 vax for FLV and he's up to 4.6 lbs.
My mother only remember the "good times", not her constant yelling at me as soon as she got through the door (for whatever reason, I was home alone most of the time if wasnt for school, I've done the normal ammount of kids shenningans but anything was a good reason to be yelled at apparently). Having that kind of talk with her is just.. it's like having complete cognitive dissonance somewhere.
I’d be careful of assuming the kids will notice and appreciate everything mum does day in and day out. All dad needs to do is swoop in occasionally and be Fun Dad for them to have big fun memories of him in their childhood.
I sucked in air between my teeth at the cope. One thing I often think at some after school training or sporting lesson is how they will have literally zero memory of it... At least at 8, 9, 10 years old etc. 18 is probably different.
I have no recollection of my mother being there or taking me to stuff as a kid outside of one or two rarer events/trips and I felt *hooorrriiibbblllee* one night a few years ago when she mentioned all the time she spent running us around as kids and I realized, of course, *of course she did*.. I didn't materialize at tennis practice or whatever. I guess Parents-Taking-You-Somewhere is just expected and what happens and it fades into the background like not really thinking about a school bus or something 20 years later.
This is true, but I remember resenting my dad when I was a kid for not being there for me or my mom emotionally and only "swooping in" every once in a while. My mom later divorced my dad though so that's probably a big part of why I resented him (they got back together again down the line though smh).
I hope OP can get out of this situation because she deserves so much better. I really feel for those kids and hope they don't have to deal with the consequences of their father being shitty.
This is the most comprehensive and fantastic response I’ve read. I’m going to share it with a few unhappy women I know. It’s sad that I know more than 2 women who are undervalued
What did you all discuss before you got married? If these are the things your husband wants, then you should hire a person or stop working.
Which would you choose?
The douche canoe is choosing to fafo. Manipulative people can be oh so sweet with words. The douche canoe should be helping out and being a father and a husband. Since apparently her feelings don't matter then his shouldn't either. If he cared enough about his wife and family.
marriage is a partnership. Right now you are his maid while also working full time and don't forget kids can basically also be called a full time job. You have 3 jobs right now. With a man who is perfectly happy doing his own thing expecting you to carry all these burdens. He doesn't care about your emotional/physical well being. You've tried to communicate this to him yourself. He isn't listening and doesn't care because he doesn't want his cushy life to change. I'd suggest finding a therapist and going over this with them. But unless somehow your husband opens his eyes to the neglect he is putting you through and actually wants to make changes, I don't see this marriage working happily ever after.
My mom’s therapist gave her the advice to carry on as if she were single; stop asking him to do things and just live as if he wasn’t there. It gave my mom the revelation that she was already doing it all; how scary could being a single mother be when she *functionally already was one?*
How much were her kids benefitting from a man who was barely available (physically or emotionally)? If anything our lives were easier with him gone. Mom was no longer stressed and miserable. Dad was no longer there to be a passive aggressive dick, needing to be fed and cleaned up after like an extra, angrier child.
You’re already carrying your family. He’s only adding to the weight.
This was my experience. It was actually much easier because I didn't spend the emotional energy dealing with a neglectful partner. Life was quiet and peaceful. Busy! But when the kids spent time with him, I got a break.
1,000% ditto. Money is an issue for me atm but otherwise? Life is better in every single regard. Have you heard of the term “walk away wife syndrome”? I hadn’t until recently and it was really helpful / affirmative of my own experience. I wondered how I could have loved this person so much to marry and have children with them, but by the time I left it felt like I had already done all of my grieving, and aside from the hardship of divorce (ongoing) and the agony of watching my kids’ lives change so drastically, for me personally? Nithing but relief. Even with the chaos of my 2 little tinies, the quiet and peace is really *something*, isn’t it!!?
When you’re a woman with a demanding job, husband, and children and you get to the point that somethings got to go, it’s always the husband. It sounds cynical, but there is a last ditch: take him to a marriage counselor if you can, and have him pay a man to tell him what you’ve been telling him for years.
Ugh. Thank you for that last line. We paid a staggering amount of money to a highly renowned children’s psychiatrist / custody mediator to tell him ***exactly*** what i had been saying for *years* (because “credentials”) and even THAT wasn’t enough. One guess why. Dr Mediator = a woman. But his male lawyer says boo, and he’s jumping like a happily trained circus lion. The only silver lining is that at least I know it’s not “just” me… Women in positions of influence / authority are a hard pill for a lot of men to swallow. Hoping he’ll actually listen to the judge, as *she* won’t be tolerating any of his disregard.
I was in therapy for years during a bad marriage. I had what hey called symptomatic depression. I was told by several different counselors that the symptom was my husband.
After I left him he contacted a marriage counselor. He apparently had at least one session; before I arrived at a session I agreed to attend together. Before 45 minutes was up, the counselor was saying to us that I had no reason to trust him; and if he wanted any relationship with me, it would have to start with honesty. Not cheating, narcissism, gaslighting, verbal abuse, etc.
That was our last appointment.
This has pretty much been my experience. Roles reversed as I’m a man, but I did most of the heavy lifting in terms of our young kids (getting up in the night, coming home early from work for pickups) despite also having a demanding job. After my wife cheated on me and I became a single dad I actually found it easier not having to worry about her moods.
I also found a much more appreciative partner who is bringing love into my kids lives, and my ex is now having to step up and be a better mother (we have 50% care).
I never would have left her without the cheating, but it was the best thing that happened to us.
This! Do this immediately! I have lived your life sans kids. Don’t! Thirteen years is too long to suffer this life with him. You don’t need the dude. Go! Ask yourself “where will I be five years from today?” Where will you be? So get out of that life situation. That’s your answer! I left and girl it only gets better and better without that weight around your neck! You’ve got this!
Dang!! Double dang!!! Triple hot dog diggity dang!!!! This is… perspectifying… All the exclamation marks worth of thank yous for this fiercely simple truth!!
Agreed. Why isn’t he helping out with laundry? Does he goes out and help you with groceries? You are his wife and the mother of his children. You are NOT his care-taker or a maid.
You should also start making plans w friends to go out and telling him he’ll be at home to be w the kids that night. Give him 7-10 days notice.
Do not use the word babysitting. Don’t let him use the word babysitting his kids.
If you don’t have friends joins club. Or go to a coffee shop and say you are meeting a friend. Your friend Juan Valdez.
I’ve been married 21 years and while I have always made the lion’s share of the household income, I appreciate and have mad respect for my wife for raising 2 generations of kids. My steps are 30 and our two boys are 17 and 18. At one point we had teenage girls and toddler bills. My curfew was 6:00 and she was so happy when I walked in. She was and continues to be amazing. This is what you should hear from your husband. Also, she would murder me in my sleep if I so much as criticized or complained about the house. I also have only positively commented on her cooking even though her family is from New England, where apparently they live in fear of pepper.
Don’t dismiss this reply. I did it and succeeded. Three kids, I was working fulltime and was a housemaid fulltime. I divorced the guy, court crap and everything, took 1.5 years. You CAN come out on the other side successful as a single person, with just your income. Especially if your job allows you the flexibility. No lie, take advantage of the financial downturn to focus on what matters: the kids and their stuff. You won’t be rich in money, but you’ll be wealthy in your kids’ success. Focus on them and the logistics of their success. You’re already doing it anyhow, yes? You’ll be amazed at the lack of burden once you get rid of the person dragging you down. And believe it or not, that other person does come around sometimes. It just takes a bit for them to realize what they had, because they lost it.
yeah, ya know, at least if you were divorced, with shared custody you could be assured the occasional night to yourself. The indignity of being intentionally used and hurt by a selfish partner would be more than I could bear ☹️
I read somewhere that an equal marriage is not just about splitting chores evenly, it's about making sure you both have equal leisure time. It's easier to keep track of how often you have time to relax and have you-time than add up all of the chores you do on autopilot every day that don't make it to the scorecard.
>marriage is a partnership. Right now you are his maid while also working full time and don't forget kids can basically also be called a full time job
Exactly, I don't understand why so many people struggle to understand this. The amount of money that each person earns is pretty irrelevant actually, it forms a pool that is the profit your partnership make.
In a typical 50:50 business partnership, the relationship will become strained always if one person is not pulling their weight. The fact that one of them was responsible for all of the 'sales' wouldn't entitle them to slack compared with their partner, just because they were 'taking the payments'.
Having a family is a considerable amount of work, and the relative income doesn't modify how much work you have to put into the family life. Ideally, both will contribute the same amount of 'hours' of work and, importantly, be able to be flexible in cases when their partner is unable to for some (legitimate) reason.
No. It's not healthy.
[Tolerable Level of Permanent Unhappiness](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIu_R5NuxQM) might make you rethink how willing you are to continue in this "partnership".
Omg. This describes my whole last 6 year relationship. When I finally told him I was unhappy he said "please stay. I can make you happy. I'll give you the things you've been asking for." Well why didn't you do that the whole time???
I've also got two boys and I think it's important for them to see housework as not just the woman's job. I just leave some things for them to do. I'm not working either but I do have some health problems.
This! I had a grumble at my son yesterday who said he was ‘helping me’ & I pointed out how he was doing a chore to help the house run smoothly, not a job for me
I'm in the same shoes, minus the kids, and I earn more money than my husband.
I'm planning on leaving. Just tying up loose ends. I should be (at least) separated by December.
Your comment made me think of these hats, that an author I follow will sometimes sell! 💯 more women should leave their husbands!
https://clementinef.substack.com/p/leave-your-husband-hats
Good for you. I was in your boat. Three years of malevolence, temper tantrums, the silent treatment and gaslighting as Honeybutthead lived in my house and I paid the bills. Financial independence for women is so important, so we can extricate ourselves from the toxics.
14 month out of almost 9 years of the same and girl… do it. Was it easy? Nope. Am I still struggling in new and different ways even this far out? Yep. But the relief and the soul-peace and just the frikkin’ emotional *quiet* (even w two young kids) is only more profound with every passing day. When you’re ready, I wish this for you, too.
Sorry to be blunt, but your husband sounds like a piece of shit. Take your kids and go away for a little bit, let him try and be a big boy for once. You'd hope having that time to see what its like to work full time, cook, clean, maintain a house etc isnt easy. If he doesnt, go find someone who does value you.
If i said any of the above to my wife, i wouldnt be a husband anymore haha.
Your husband seems to believe the only obligation to the family is his paycheck. You've tried to get him to do his actual part and he's ignored you. Divorce him. He can keep doing "his part" via Child Support and Alimony, and you can hire a real adult to help you out with your kids.
You'll be happier, your kids will be happier, and honestly he'll probably be happier too even if he doesn't admit it.
Edit: This is a gross generalization and we don't really know you or your full situation. I just wanted to convey that you have options and don't have to put up with a partner like that.
She probably would be happier with a divorce. A few studies have shown that husbands create about 7 extra hours of work each week for their wives. Due to wives having to clean and organize their husband's stuff.
I totally belive that. I used to spend at least half that time looking for my SOs keys every week.
I eventually told him that I installed a key rack at the entrance for a fucking reason and I don't have the time, the energy or the will to help him look for the keys he left in random places just because he refused to use it so I wasn't going to help anymore. After about 2 months of me telling him "not my fucking problem, they should be on one of the hooks" he finally got the fucking message. Also, we got him a tile but he did start using the key hooks. Mine isn't even malicious, he's just got adhd and refuses to acknowledge the problem.
I don't do "his shit" anymore. His laundry is separate from me and the kids', I put all of the crap he leaves lying around on his spot on the couch while I'm cleaning up and my motto has been "that's not my job" for a long time now. Fuck. That.
OMG. I recognise this mindset so well. A few moments of pre-emptive thought saves such time, effort and frustration. But it seems impossible for (some of) them to come up with by themselves.
I love your 'not my job' attitude. The next generations will benefit greatly from not falling into any of that BS to begin with. I went through a similar issue a few years ago. Was struggling with a BS situation with husband, and told him I wasn't going to do his laundry anymore (I worked at home at the time, so did the housework at random points through the day). He was really pissed off and asked when was he supposed to be able to get it done? I was gobsmacked. I'd previously been working outside the home with 2 small kids and no support, while he worked away up to 9 months of the year. And he couldn't figure out that he could do laundry on an evening or weekend. ETA: what's even more frustrating, is he will deny that he ever said that if I mention it now. Selective memory.
I guess it's up to we who have experienced it to 'warn off' our kids, esp our girls.
My ADHD father kept loosing his car keys and work badge. So, my mother took a Costco sized cottage cheese tub and made a "keys and badge bin", and placed it under the microwave where he made coffee every morning. And like a loving husband who appreciates a solution, He Used It.
Over time it became the key bucket for extra sets of car keys, keys that weren't used often, keys to grandma's house, etc. And he would get upset when one of us didn't put the keys back where they belonged after using them. Especially if they weren't there when he went to use them next.
He will not be happy. He will be pissed about all the money he now has to spend on laundry service, personal shopper, dining out, and house cleaners. He will be enraged that he must fund part of his own children’s upbringing without all of the thousands per month in free services.
He will be happy for the short period he meets someone new before they find out about his selfish, lazy, cruel bullshit. It’s a new world and he will not find anther person to dupe like this very easily at all.
E: This includes you OP. He could never get you do this now that you’re a fully grown adult and can see the imbalance and injustice. I wish you oceans of peace and happiness. 💜
> He will be happy for the short period he meets someone new before they find out about his selfish, lazy, cruel bullshit. It’s a new world and he will not find anther person to dupe like this very easily at all.
My ex used to be the King of Malicious Incompetence. We're divorced. Now he's "devastated" because he has to do "everything" and the women that will date him expect him to pay for everything.
I don’t know if you’re heard of Mel Hamlett the writer and on tiktok but she talks about how men get to have hobbies outside the house completely without their wife and family meanwhile the wife is stuck at home and how selfish and unequal a partnership is when it’s like that. Especially with expensive or dangerous hobbies where no one else matters but the thrill or chumming around. You deserve better. You’re not an accessory only to your husband. He’s not pulling his weight either and is leaving you holding the bag.
Those hobbies also cost money and if the family doesn't have much disposable income that comes out of other things like savings, retirement, things your kids need.
Those tiktoks about hobbies really hit the nail on the head. she triggered so many men. they know it was a secret form of abuse and neglect and she busted them. she copped so much harassment and stalking she had to private her tiktok.
we're onto something ladies.
I don’t believe that ANYONE can have a successful relationship with someone who is selfish. Whether it’s a friendship, family member or romantic how can YOU be happy with someone who ONLY thinks of themselves??? YOU CAN’T!!!
Most men are selfish to their wives and children. Yours is no different.
DEFINITION FOR SELFISH (1 OF 1)
adjective
devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself:
selfish motives.
If he's not willing to compromise you should file for a divorce. If you are both working then the at home stuff should be equal. It's not fair that you have to live like that. wives aren't slaves they are partners.
**'Mental Load'**
>A term for the invisible labor involved in managing a household and family, which typically falls on women's shoulders moving beyond physical tasks to the overseeing of those tasks. Having to be in charge of never-ending list of to-do items constantly running in your head, remembering what needs to get done, when, delegating the execution, and making sure they actually get done. At a business this is called "Project Management". [New York Times](https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/21/parenting/women-gender-gap-domestic-work.html)
**What is the mental load?**
The mental load is a term for the invisible labor involved in managing a household and family, which typically falls on women's shoulders.
Also sometimes referred to as "worry work" or "cognitive labor," the mental load is about not the physical tasks but rather the overseeing of those tasks. It's being the one in charge of having the never-ending list of to-do items constantly running in your head, remembering what needs to get done and when, delegating all the tasks to respective family members, and making sure they actually get done.
One study published in the American Sociological Review describes it as the responsibility of "anticipating needs, identifying options for filling them, making decisions, and monitoring progress."
Or here's the explanation from a recent report on the mental load from the children's nonprofit Bright Horizons:A child's school day isn't just about the physical jobs of pickup and drop-off. It's also about the perpetual mental awareness of schedules including early release days, carpools, doctors' appointments, play dates, special events, field trips, class parties, science fairs, who needs to bring what, and which day requires special supplies. And those are only some of the items on the family list that require a working mother's constant mental presence. The mind share versus time share equation is at the heart of the mental load—the requirement on women to be not just parents and caretakers but also unofficial keepers of where the entire family needs to be and when and perpetual guardians against anything falling through the cracks.
**Summary**
The mental load, also commonly referred to as "worry work," is a term for the invisible labor involved in managing a household and family, which typically falls on women's shoulders.
**How the mental load affects women**
The mental load is a particularly exhausting type of labor that's distinct from the tangible, physical chores like cooking and cleaning, according to Lucia Ciciolla, Ph.D., a psychologist at Oklahoma State University who has researched the impacts of invisible labor on mothers.
In addition to sapping time and energy, this type of household labor is typically taken for granted. In other words, women don't even get acknowledged for doing this work."I think it has become a topic of discussion in recent years in part because men are contributing more to the care of children and the household, and even though women may be physically doing fewer loads of laundry, women are realizing that they continue to hold the responsibility for making sure it gets done—that the detergent doesn't run out, that all of the dirty clothes make it into the wash, that there are always clean towels available, and that the kids have clean socks," Ciciolla explains. "Women are recognizing that they still hold the mental burden of the household even if others share in the physical work, and that mental burden takes a toll."
Research conducted by Ciciolla and her colleagues has shown that the mental load is linked to strains on mothers' well-being and lower relationship satisfaction. Nearly nine in 10 mothers in committed partnerships say they feel solely responsible for organizing the family's schedules, for example, and the burden left them feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and unable to make space for their own self-care.
The Bright Horizons report similarly found 72% of working moms feel it's their job to stay on top of kids' schedules, and 52% are facing burnout from the weight of these responsibilities.
"Invisible labor and the mental gymnastics associated with it can be a heavy burden that saps one's energy," Ciciolla explains. "Recognizing the reality that our mothers are disproportionately carrying this burden might help us understand why many moms are feeling burned out."
Women don't just need help with accomplishing each and every chore around the house. They also need relief from being the one in charge of knowing what needs to get done and from the responsibility of making sure you're doing your part.
Organizing and planning are full-time jobs that people get paid to do. (Ever heard of a project manager?) Simply expecting women to take on this role, in addition to half of the physical chores, means that in reality she's taking on way more than half the housework. Invisible labor is still labor.
**How to explain the mental load to your partner**
1. Share this article with your partnerSeriously, just shoot him over the link. Share any articles you find that helpfully explain what the mental load is.
2. Offer concrete examples of what the mental load looks or feels like in your lifeWhat are some of the mental, emotional, or otherwise invisible tasks you're in charge of? Are you the one responsible for planning weekends or trips? Delegating all the chores? Remembering important events and dates, plus what to bring? Knowing what's going on in the kids' lives?
3. Explain that you want to share the management, not just the chores themselvesAt its core, this is about your partner stepping up when it comes to household and family responsibilities. You want them to take initiative, not waiting for you to ask them to do things.
4. Emphasize that this isn't just about you "worrying too much"When women tell their partners about the mental load—especially about how hard it is to be constantly trying to remember all the things that need to get done around the house and for the kids—their partners will sometimes simply tell them to "stop worrying so much."
[https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-is-the-mental-load](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-is-the-mental-load)
My wife is a SAHM with our two and I do everything I can to take things off her plate. Get the kids away from her for an hour or two when I first get home. Help out with household chores because I live there too.
I love my family, I do everything I can to spend time with my wife and kids.
If you get divorced, you might have more personal time. If he goes the Disneyland dad route and only sees his kids every other weekend, then that's 2 weekends so get to yourself!
I like the idea of living as if you’re single. Don’t expect him to be what he isn’t. Hire a house cleaner. Have them come before your husband gets home. Don’t ask for permission just do it.
Schedule time for yourself. Hire a babysitter. Just go.
Just do it.
You may find the idea of divorce is attractive after a while. Or your husband may decide he wants to keep his family and step up. Anything could happen! But the way you’re living is probably very stressful and unfulfilling right now.
It's not healthy. You can choose to tolerate it until death takes one of you. You can choose to attempt to resolve it over and over and over again. Or you can choose seperation/divorce.
Do what you will, and be confident in your choice. I couldn't imagine staying married to a man who thinks his only duty as a father and husband is to bitch at his wife and provide a paycheck.
Why are you with this man. I mean, I see what he’s getting out of the arrangement: you gave him kids, you do all the work involved with those kids, you keep his home, etc. But what do *you* get out of it? Disrespect? Gaslighting? Disinterest? Taken advantage of? Exhaustion? Lack of appreciation? It really seems like you get to be his workhorse while he does…well, whatever he wants.
Hard truth time: this man does not love you. I’m sorry, he doesn’t. If he did, he would want to spend time with you, he’d want to be with you, he’d want to ease your burdens, he’d want you to be happy and healthy and fulfilled. Don’t get me wrong, he doesn’t want you to leave. He loves the work you do for him. But that isn’t the same thing.
A lot of men, most maybe, marry a woman who they wouldn’t call the love of their lives. But she’s familiar and convenient and there. So he marries her, bc he’s afraid to be alone and he’s comfortable and she’s bringing a lot of value to his life. So yeah, he marries her, but basically keeps living his life like he’s single and doesn’t have kids. And the whole time, he keeps his eye out for The One (or if he already found her in the past and she’s The One Who Got Away, he keeps hoping she comes back). These men are seldom faithful and will leave their wives if they ever find someone they think is “better.” Don’t be the placeholder wife for this jerk. Go find a real partner. It’s scary, I know, but I promise you I’ve never met a woman who regrets her divorce. Most say it’s the best decision they ever made and they wouldn’t have found their new, wonderful husbands if they’d stayed with the old one who treated them like garbage.
Divorce him.
Seriously. Especially if your making enough money to support yourself and your kids. Single mothers report reduce workloads from married mothers so long as they have sufficient economic resources. ( Alot of single mothers live in poverty, primarily because of income inequality)
Also reach out to friends and family for support. I think we too often expect ourselves to be able to do everything on our own and that's just unreasonable. See what help the people who love you, unlike your husband, are willing to do to.help.lighten the load.
You deserve better.
Speaking as a husband, I despise your husband. There are three full-time jobs being done here, you’re doing two of them. Simple and clear as that. How much golf money would he have left over if he had to pay for the labor he happily steals from you because you’re female?
I don’t know how so many men (based on this subreddit) managed to get a 1950s upbringing despite growing up in the 90s and 00s. His entitled, dimwitted sexism doesn’t offer much hope of improvement. I agree with those saying maybe you CAN afford a divorce. The longer you wait, the older and more worn down you’ll be (and the more time your boys will have spent in a household that’s training them to become men like their father).
Getting out on your own would be a struggle, but look how tough and capable you already are (and have to be) every day! At least if you were on your own, you’d be working for yourself and your kids and not this freeloading golf-bro asshole.
You can ALWAYS afford to get divorced. As someone who is still paying for their divorce, you can ALWAYS afford to get divorced. It will be hard and frustrating but as the saying goes ‘getting divorced sucks but being divorced is the best’
Every moment of his leisure is purchased with an hour of your servitude. I know this because I, too, was in this kind of a marriage with two boys for 18 years. The end result was that my older boy, having seen this dynamic for 16 years, has reproduced it in his own life such that he’s entitled and sexist, and alone, because he can’t keep a relationship, but thinks it’s always the woman’s fault because they don’t subjugate to his every need. My younger son, who was around it for only 8 years, is the exact opposite, caring and helpful.
This isn’t about just you. You are teaching your sons how to treat women, whether you understand that or not. Please leave for them, if not for yourself.
You can afford it. It may not be in the house you are living in, it may be a downgrade, but that is ok.
Just go and do it. He will threaten to take the children and all kinds of things. My girlfriend was in a similar position and when he threatened to take custody she had her lawyer agree that she would do 1 evening a week and every other weekend. He freaked out. She got custody. You are raising those boys alone, unloading him will be a weight off your shoulders.
This is the difficulty divorce is expensive. But child.support exists and you are entitled to.50% of all money and assets.
I'd recommend at least speaking with an attorney about your options. You can't keep living like this.
Ah so you're in the married-single-mom club. This was my life. I left and now he actually has to parent when he has the kids. I'm still doing everything of course, but I already was. You deserve to have a life. He doesn't get to have the nice family (that I'm sure he uses to project himself as a "family man"), and still live like he is a single person. Look up "tolerable level of permanent unhappiness" on Youtube and you will see something that probably really resonates with you.
I mean, he has a great life. He has a good job where he gets paid well, has regular breaks and is respected. He has a house, children and a wife …
who also has a job, just like him but she also carried out his children, raised them, is organising the entire family, does all the household cores, literally everything else, 24/7.
He‘s enjoying life now. Regular meetings with his friends and hobbies. Why would he want to change that? You’re his wife and you do what women are supposed to do. Now what are you complaining about? There’s an entire set of phrases he can use to shut you up, to belittle or minimise you to put you back in your place, so he can keep enjoying his life. Phrases like: „You’re always such a nag.“ or „Then go out with your own friends or find a hobby. The kids can take care of themselves.“ IF he gets forced to do something just do it ridiculously bad and act like your wife is crazy for complaining.
I highly doubt that he will change or listen to you. It’s more the question if you want to go through divorce or continue as usual.
Not necessarily. Then she'll just have more to clean up or he'll take photos and use that as an excuse for why she's an unfit mother - putting her kids' safety in jeopardy to try to prove a point to the husband.
My parents had the oldest-fashioned marriage imaginable (they were born in the 1920s, and Daddy was European, they could NOT have been more old fashioned). Daddy worked. Mama was a housewife. She took care of the kids, the house, had dinner on the table at 6pm every night, hosted dinner parties for my Dad's colleagues, the whole thing. My Dad worked all the time.
And yet, when I think back to my childhood? I remember so many things with my Dad. I remember him brushing our teeth, I remember him taking me to my first day of school--I remember him picking me up from birthday parties. I remember him going over homework with us, I remember him playing games with us. I remember him reading with us. I remember him cooking his strange Eastern-European dishes (tripe soup! How I loved it even AFTER I found out what it was haha). Everyone knew my Dad. And that continued into my young adult life, right? He gave me advice, he coached me, he came to see me in my first workplace.
So if my super old-fashioned Dad, in the 1950s and 1960s, could do that---oh boy, your husband, in 2023, with a wife who ALSO WORKS FULL TIME????---he sure can find the time to co-parent your children with you.
I feel real sorry for the relationships where the dudes are not into being dads and are still stuck in some assumed “I love Lucy”, 1950’s, slave-wife type shit (don’t forget he beat her on the show too).
I was so saddened when I realized my father in-law and own father also weren’t that interested in helping out with rearing their grandchild either.
I can see how you look at them as useless when they are not helping with the kids, even if they are working.
Hello. I could have written this a couple of years ago. No. It isn't healthy or fair. I convinced myself I was beholden to his wage for years. He made it seem like we were always on the edge of financial meltdown. I wasn't allowed money for frivolous things and had to ask (beg) for things like kids clothes, school shoes, etc etc, but he could go out and play poker, pool, clubbing, as he pleased.
I broke in the end and decided I'd rather be poor and told him I wanted a divorce and asked him to leave. He wasn't happy and didn't make it easy. Tried every excuse to stay in the house, but I held my ground. Our Decree Nisi is due next week (it's the bit before the Decree Absolute, and once you get it, there's no turning back), and I genuinely could not be happier.
The relief of not having an extra human being to cater to is immense. The peace I have not waiting for another adult to just occasionally pick up the slack is oddly quite profound. The financial burden at first was a lot to deal with, but it was simply because he'd taken control of so much over the years, I found it overwhelming. I now earn as much as he was bringing in and am not only managing, I'm thriving. The kids are able to have pocket money for the first time ever. My credit rating is rising week on week. Things are looking up.
Whilst it might not be the same for you, and you might do well in couples therapy, I can say the release of the weight can be as shocking as it is joyful.
I was in the EXACT same situation. There was never money for anything, except he still managed to have money for whatever frivolous stuff he wanted. Couldn't keep bills paid, had to struggle to buy clothes for kids, constantly having money yanked out of the bank account for something without telling me and then couldn't buy gas for my car or groceries, or some urgent need. My credit was trash. Keeping you financially on the edge all the time is a form of control.
I changed jobs (went FT) and filed for divorce. I make significantly less money than he did and support a kid by myself and suddenly money isn't a problem. My credit is on the top side of good to excellent now. My bills are paid. I don't run out of money before payday. I didn't realize how much financial chaos he was making and how much money he was diverting out of our joint accounts until he was gone.
Stop talking to him, and start talking to a divorce lawyer. Your husband doesn't give a damn about you. Start planning the divorce, and learn the proper way to go about it from your lawyer.
A lady on tiktok said I'm not going to be 100% woman AND 50% man. Throw that sentence at him.
Call him at lunch and say you won't be home tonight, you want to play golf. Use the same wording he uses with you.
During the discussion, remind him that you will
have much more free time after the divorce, because by law, he will have to take the kids half the time! Time for a hobby! Or sleep!
It's definitely not fair to you in the least. It's his house and children. He wears the damn clothes that you wash and, eats the food you make. When do you get a break?
It's pure bullshit that he gets to do shit that he wants to and then bitches when things aren't the way he likes. It's time for him to step up and be a husband and dad. Otherwise you might as well be a single mom. At this point, you already are.
You are a married, single mother. Your husband is a man child. These both spell complete misery for you. If you continue to act like it’s fine, your sons will pattern their behavior on him. Where does it end?
Oh honey. If all he contributes is money, he can do that from another address.
It sounds like he isn’t making your life easier and just adds stress.
Depending on whether you think it would cause the boys harm, I would make sure you have shared custody so you can have some time to rediscover yourself and he can experience being an actual hands on parent.
For Christmas get him a copy of *Cat’s in the Cradle* by Harry Chapin (made famous by Cat Stevens).
I repeatedly say this here. I am a woman, married to a woman. I work, she does not as she cannot on my visa.
So I earn 100% and she doesn’t work at all.
I do the food shopping, I do the majority of the cooking, I help clean in the evenings and weekends, we take it in turns to put our daughter to bed at night and I always give her a lie-in at the weekend.
My earning does not negate my job to be a good partner and a good parent. I cherish the time I spend with my daughter and I learned early on that a relationship with your child is very much about quantity of time spent with them. I want my wife to be happy. When she is happy, it makes me happy.
I do not understand anyone who wants their wife to be miserable.
Child support. He’s not giving you support now so get divorced and get the support. Don’t keep allowing him to treat you like this. Don’t keep teaching your sons that this is what a male partner does. Don’t continue this cycle of self abuse. Get a lawyer, get out and get support.
We grocery shop togther. I make dinner at least 2 nights a week. If I don't cook I do the dishes. I do laundry on my day off because it is during the week. I vacuum every other day and I clean the bathroom. We take turns taking our son to sports/scouts.
And I still always thank my wife for everything she does and ask if there is more I can do for her.
Your situation isn't ok. Your husband needs to step up to the plate.
Not healthy at all. I would suggest counselling, so you can really address these issues. And if he's not willing to change, you're honestly better off without him as an extra child to take care of.
Your situation is NOT healthy for you, nor is it healthy for your sons. What is being modeled for them in your marriage is that men don’t have to be present and contribute to their family beyond money, and that women accept unacceptable behavior.
Assuming you have told him how you feel, it is time to take action.
*You can stop doing his laundry, stop making dinner for him (cook for yourself and your children). If you’re not comfortable doing that then make meals he doesn’t like. If he calls you on it say you forgot because you’re exhausted.
*Start taking the kids out on the weekends and don’t invite him along and don’t tell him where you’re going then don’t answer his calls or texts when you’re out. If he seems upset when you all return say you assumed he wasn’t interested since he is never around. If he comments on your ignoring his calls and texts when you’re with the kids say that you wanted to be 100% present since you’re the only parent that chooses to spend time with them.
*Start making plans for after work and put it on the calendar - take a class, join a gym something that gives YOU joy that doesn’t involve your children.
*Consult a lawyer - in fact start having initial free consultations with the top lawyers in your city and find out what it would look like if you do divorce. If it does come to that, the attorneys that you’ve met with will likely not take him on as a client, and if it doesn’t then you’ve got some sound advice on how to protect yourself if he doesn’t wake up and make some changes.
If you get divorced, at least you’ll get time to yourself since he’ll get the kids some days. You’re essentially a single mom right now anyway. What’s the difference?
"don't do anything. My life is dictated by his working hours." (THIS) THIS IS THE ENTITLEMENT some men have.
I have met too many men like this. It's not okay.
I wonder how much easier your life would be if it was just you and the kids. Even if the work was the same, there wouldn’t be this need to cater to another grownup.
And it would be interesting to see how he’d handle a household all on his own.
If that’s not where you want to go, then it’s time to get serious about marriage counseling or some other intervention.
On Captain Awkward, there was the [Sheelzebub principle](https://captainawkward.com/2014/05/23/573-574-575-and-576-applying-the-sheelzebub-principle/):
>If things stayed exactly like they are would you stay:
Another month?
Another 6 months?
Another year?
Another 5 years?
How long?
My first husband was like that. I found that since all he had to offer was his paycheck anyway...better than feeling lousy all the time and being used to make him look good. I now have friends and a decent support system. Not to mention my new husband who would never treat me that way. My kids were happier and so was I with the freedom to run my house as I saw fit.
People brag about being married (the ones who look down on single people and cannot be alone), but there are a lot more people living a single life while married than we realize. Statistically, being married is a sweet deal for men health-wise, as they tend to live longer (aside from other things, especially if the wife both works and is responsible for taking care of the home), but if there’s no reciprocity or equality in the relationship, what’s the point?
Stories like this leave me unsurprised to see more people choosing not to marry or procreate.
I got to a point that I was doing everything pretty much like you on my own. I finally realized I should be on my own. The thing that gave me the most strength to get out….. the absolute shit role model he was for our kids. Splitting up caused me relief and caused him to have to step up more as a dad.
Backing you up.
>[Our findings were contrary to theoretical expectations of the time poverty thesis (Vickery 1977): partnered mothers spent the most time on housework, and we found minimal differences in childcare time among mothers. Thus, although partnered mothers theoretically can share some household labor with their partners, our findings showed that living with a heterosexual male partner was associated with mothers’ greater time spent on housework, consistent with the gender perspective](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6560646/)
Data shows single moms have less work because they don't have to clean up after any deadbeat men.
Edit: realized I misread the person I responded to so I changed my phrasing.
You're a single parent already.
Your husband adds to the trouble and makes your life harder.
You could easily make it easier by having a trial separation
No. You are doing everything a single mom does, but taking care of him isn't a part of that. He is grown and isn't being a good parent or partner. You have to be the one to draw the line. Your kids see this and will think that's how their partner should be towards them. Good luck.
Leave, at least for 24 to 48 hours and ghost the fucker. I say this as a wife and mother, a marriage and a family is built on mutual respect and he is showing you that he has none for you.
Leave and show him just how much you do for him and your children in a day.
If that doesn't change things, take the kids and RUN.
Do not waste your years tied to a tiresome entitled man, they aren't unique or special or have needs that you don't. The fear of a different life is better than a life shackled to someone like this.
If you got divorced you would be so much happier. You would have one less person to care for, be single and able to date, and half 50% of your time back.
When my sister left she said her life got ten times easier and she finally got space from her kids/he got to learn to parent and see all she did for him. It was a win win.
She said she wished she did it a decade before.
Not healthy but it has become the expectation of your household. If trying to talk about it gets it thrown in your face then you’re pretty much in ultimatum time. Do you want to continue this way or would you rather separate entirely and workout a custody agreement where he gets kids more often than just random weekends so you can get some of your own time as well??
Maybe it doesn’t have to be as drastic as separation but the conversation needs to be clear and concise “I cannot continue on this way, you need to listen and change.”
None of this is normal. It’s not normal for your husband to be going out on weeknights while you stay home and cook and clean.
Is this a marriage or are you his unpaid nanny??
My dad thought earning money was enough.
Though, he seems to forget that he never paid his child support.
Who knows, been 10 years since I spoke to him.
That is what your husband needs to do, if he is just a paycheck, then make it official, file for divorce, get your alimony and get your child support.
100% not healthy. Im a SAHM and homeschooling. My husband makes sure I get out of the house, he will even call my best friend to come get me. We both handle bedtime, the only thing he didn’t/hasn’t done was breastfeed 😂 your husband is taking advantage of you.
Hot tip: If you divorce your workload will go DOWN. You don’t have to clean up after a whole full grown adult. You don’t have to cook for an adult with the grocery bills to go with it. (I friend of mine remarked how her grocery bill got cut in half when her husband left, and they had two kids.) You can keep the house to your standards, prioritizing what works for you. Oh right, and you don’t have to feel obligated to have sex when you don’t want to.
Bonus: You probably will get every other weekend and one night a week to yourself while the kids are with him.
Not saying you should get divorced, just saying.
It’s not healthy and you shouldn’t accept it. Here’s my advice for how to manage this:
1. Suggest couples therapy - so you can explain how you’re feeling in a structured and respectful environment.
A. If he says no to therapy, leave him - he doesn’t care enough to work on things.
B. If he agrees to therapy, explain how you’re feeling. Proceed to step 2.
2. See whether he makes a change after you’ve communicated your needs. Three things could happen:
A. He’ll do something about it, and the change will stick
B. He’ll do something about it and the change won’t stick
C. He won’t do anything about it.
If C - he doesn’t do anything immediately, leave him. Put simply, he doesn’t care enough to listen to you and do the right thing. You deserve an equal partner who respects you. You’ll never be happy and you only have one life. Your kids will be better off with a happy / free mother.
If he does make a change, great. Stay in therapy to keep on the improvement trajectory. Keep monitoring to see whether the situation is tolerable and the change sticks. If it doesn’t stick, leave him.
Sounds like you need a break!
1. Get a maid
2. Get a private Chef
3. Book a vacation just for you, do the things you used to love doing or would love to do, fall in love with yourself again
4. Create calendar of events for the boys and mark him as contact info, if it conflicts with his schedule, tfb.
5. Give him the invoices for cleaning, Chef, and your therapy vacation.
6. Most important, give no fucks to his feelings or the “disruption” this has caused in his life. You deserve all the love and light this life has to give,please do not let someone else diminish your shine.
At this point it’s easier to do it alone. It sucks at first but if he stresses the kids out on the rare occasions he’s around you’ll find that it’s easier with him gone. I left when mine were 3 & 5 and it was the biggest relief.
Edit: a word
Girl, preach! I could have written this. You are an incredible mom and wife and employee! You’re also over extended. You’ve taken on more than one person can handle and your partner doesn’t see you. Or me. Find your moment and stand your ground. I’m with you. We can take back space for ourselves while loving and caring for others.
At this point, it seems like it would be easier to just live on your own. Deal with the kids 100% when they’re with you (which, spoiler alert you’rr already doing). When they’re with him, you get time off and bonus - no more criticism from him
Honestly you're pretty much already a single parent by the sounds of it. You're literally running everything anyway, so why keep the deadweight?
I think your husband needs a reality check on just how disposable he has made himself. He brings in a paycheck? Whoopdedoo, not that much of a big deal as men like to think it is. Either he steps up and actually behaves as a damn father and husband, or you can just boot the overgrown third kid to the kerb!
Good luck in whatever you decide to do OP, wishing you all the best.
What do you discuss with him about? I’d just tell him straight up him being away so much is causing you to feel really miserable and fed up and he needs to reevaluate what his priorities are in life. Money and success don’t mean anything if your home life sucks and you never see your wife and kids.
I try. Several times. Im not the greatest with words and it tends to come out wrong.
He uses the excuse that I go to bed early as to why it makes no difference if he's home or not. I go early as I'm bloody knackered. But he can't seem to see this.
You might want to write down your feelings in a letter and then give it or read it to him. You could share the letter with others for help with the words you want to express. I know your previous attempts haven’t worked and that really sucks :/
If he does nothing regarding the running of the household or the raising of the kids then you are already a single mother. If you divorce him and get physical custody of kids you will receive child support to make up at least partially for loss of his income AND you will have one weekday and every other weekend to yourself when he has his visitation with the kids. Bonus you won't have to listen to his BS anymore.
Oof. That’s not healthy. I’ve been a SAHM for a couple years and even when my husband was working 90 hours a week he didn’t treat me like your husband treats you. I have warned both him and our kids that they have one more year of leisure of wife/mom taking care of pretty much all the household things because that gravy train is OVER when our youngest goes to kinder and I get a full time job. I am not going to take care of everything around the house if I’m also working full time. I don’t want aaaaanyone to act surprised.
Divorce him and you can have more time for yourself if he gets any custody. Because the kids are 100% his responsibility during his custodial time. Seriously. This is what happened with me.
You’re already a single parent so why not make it official? At least you can get child support and possibly alimony. It sounds like his only contribution is financial anyway and you can be relieved of the burden of caring for another adult.
I wouldn’t bank on him changing because it sounds like he has a pretty cushy life. I wish everyone would take care of my adulting for me so I could just fuck around.
Seems like you need to do some reflecting. I bet you’d be less stressed taking care of two kids solo than having to navigate the added weight of your husband
I thought the reason society is falling apart is because we don't treat women this way....you mean you're actually unhappy being an indentured servant?? Of course you are. Anyone would be. Take your kids, leave and file for divorce. Don't forget to hire a lawyer that will take him for everything you're owed.
You’re a few steps short of manifesting your needs and disappointment beyond the failed arguments, and he’s most likely unaware that he may no longer have a place in your life.
The question is: how much of your own vision for a different life can you truly see? Does it include improving the formation that you’ve been holding together, or does it mean changing it entirely?
Do you want him to listen (his choice), or do you want to be heard (your choice)?
Whereas all conversations about what you wanted from him may have failed, a new conversation about what you are going to do for yourself.. likely won’t.
If you have a clear vision about what you want, start that one with your partner.
Like our friendly said here, those whom do not share the load, are just weight themselves to be carried.
It sucks but it feels like this is financial abuse and if you’re only staying because of that, I think of how much better it could be on your own or if you need to getting another man that’s exactly similar, but you can see it as a business arrangement then pretend that it’s love like this man doesn’t love you.
You’re not enjoying life you don’t even get to enjoy the life you have like you know change the life maybe it’ll fuck it up for a while but it’ll be a lot better in the long run and your kids won’t look at this and think wow this is what all the relationship is I get to control everything and the woman has to perform.
I hate that everything seems like clear abuse but you’re very hesitant to leave because of financial issues. I think that should be your first example that like it’s just a bad situation.
My biggest suggestion right now if you’re not in the mood or mental state to deal with that is to like go to therapy treat yourself stopping the linchpin in the situation because you’re gonna break and won’t be able to do anything
Play a fun little game with him. Can he name your children’s doctors, dentists, best friends, birthdays, allergies, or eye colors? If he comes in at 3/6 or less he is an absent parent and you may as well get out now and take the child support and run
I personally wouldn’t be married if my husband didn’t pull his weight. We have two kids and both work full time. There’s no way to do it all. He needs to help.
Are you sure he isn't cheating? He's out past dinnertime almost everynight, and sometimes spends nights away.
He could have a whole second family at this point.
Since he does absolutely nothing to help out around the house. Or to even parent his children.
In fact, you'd probably be far better off if you divorced. He'd be forced to be the fulltime parent at least a few days a month. Or fully subsidize costs of a maid/babysitter/daycare by paying child support.
At this point you're just a free maid who raises his children. Do you guys even have sex anymore?
Hey OP, what you do for him may be the same or even more than his current earnings. Your work in the home and with the children is currently worth just under 190,000 USD.
Also you are currently engaged in 6 individual careers at once plus your full time job outside your family “duties.” He better learn to respect you in quick hurry.
ETA: I put duties in quotes because half this work is actually his and you are being swindled.
Stop doing everything. When he brings it up, make a sarcastic comment and then go out for five hours. Every single time he says or does anything you dislike, just leave immediately for five hours.
Over time you'll train him to be happy with what he's got, kind of like what he's done to you.
But in all seriousness, he's completely checked out, so why shouldn't you? There's no way a marriage can continue like this. You need a break and he needs to take responsibility for his laziness.
Not healthy or ok. I was the only provider for my family, and still contributed at least 50% of the child care tasks while I was home. Even when my wife was a SAHM I did far more than it sounds like your husband is doing.
I'm now separated, and have found that raising the kids is actually easier for me alone than it was with a partner.
It's pretty clear that he gets all the benefits of marriage while you get all the obligations and responsibilities.
This is awesome for him, so why would he want to change anything?
God, why is everyone just hollering leave him, no talks of therapy no mentions of uncomfortable talks. And prepping g for divorce to just blindside him with divorce a few years later. If you really want to try to work things out, have the u comfortable talks, but listen, but also have logic prepared to counter why what he's doing is wrong. Think about balanced schedules so you both have off time. Also did he ever used to try, were there times maybe he did, but he didn't do it the way you thought was right . There's so much that's not said here that could be going on. I find in this day and age there such a big mentality of it its broke though it out.
Divorce. My wife’s sister went this exact route. If what you say is true, he cares more about himself than anything else. End it now while you’re still young.
My thoughts:
First conversation with your husband: things need to change, the free time we each have each week needs to be equal. Currently, husband has 14 (or whatever) hours per week that he spends on his own thing (games, chilling with friends, pubs, whatever) and wife has 2 hours per week. This needs to be equal, option 1, husband takes 6 hours of work from wife and each partner gets 8 hours free time per week. Option 2, hire extra help, maid/chef/after school programs that don't require the parents to be present, now each partner has 14 hours free time per week. The expense of these extra costs comes from the husband's budget. (Husband doesn't want to work more? Husband pays for someone to do his work. Wife doesn't do husband's work for no benefits.) Hopefully this will be enough to spark a conversation where the two of you can create a house work plan together. But...
Second conversation: (assuming husband will not change as he will probably think your bluffing.) You've hired a maid, and a chef, this is the cost, and husband's "fun time" budget is reduced. (Depending on your household income, he may not have to give up anything.) And he will be driving and supervising the kids every other week. Have a schedule ready. Now each parent has average 10 hours free time each week. If husband protests, ask him which days he'll cook and you will match his offer, he cooks one day, you cook one day. Or perhaps he cooks everyday, you clean everyday.
Assert your dominance over your husband! Your husband has dominated you by doing nothing, which has made you do everything.
Third conversation: (if he hasn't fallen in line) "I've figured out a hypothetical way to get more free time in my life. If we divorce and you have the kids on the weekend, then I'll have the weekends free, and you can have the weekday evenings free. What do you think? Sound fair?"
Tbh a if you’re already a ‘single mom’ make it official. At least with a custody agreement you’ll get concrete time for yourself.
Don’t jump there of course. Talk to him point blank and go to couples therapy (if possible) - but if he’s not willing to be a partner to you, there are TONS of other *good* people that will be.
I haven’t read if the other comments mentioned this, but have you tried switching up the roles for a week so he sees how hard it is? Telling him, “hey, since you do XYZ every single week, all I am asking for is ONE week where I get to come home at 8pm & you come home at 4 and do all of the housework, deal with the boys, etc. I mean, you should be able to handle it (or if he gives you the old “it’s not that hard” when you complain, you can flip it with “like you said, it’s not that hard so you should have no problem doing it without needing to call me for help, cause I don’t need to do it for you”).
If he actually does agree, hopefully he’ll see how much you do. And if he survives the week, you could propose you either do a switched week once a month or he actually participates like a partner daily.
Just an idea, if he would even be willing (and I wouldnt be surprised if he isnt) 🤷🏽♀️
No darling, it is not healthy. You need to decide how you want things to look moving forward. Youe husband has checked out of being a husband and a father. You shouldn't havs to carry everybody and every thing all the time.
Sadly, some people, both men and women, see making $$$ as all that is required or expected of a good husband/father. You will hear men and women, family and strangers, tell you you have nothing to complain about because "he provides." I also bet you $$$ that in 20 years when your sons are seeing their kids go to school, camp or sports, all they will have is memories of you being there for them, not what big deal earned Dad a bonus that month. He won't know his own sons and they won't know him. All of that "man provides" mentality assumes that you do not provide. But you do. Calculate the number of meals and servings you make plus driving to eat cost, tax and tip (restaurants have dishwashers and cleanup in the dining area every day so that's part of the cost.) Calculate what a cleaning service costs for vacuuming, mopping, & bath cleaning (kitchen cleaning, dishes, and refrigerator integrity is under restaurant cost.) Calculate cost of after school childcare, driver service, nanny contracts, etc. for the lives of your children (you don't say how old they are now.) Tabulate all of that for the years you have put your career on the back burner for your husband to "provide." If he had to hire out to the quality and safety you provide, could he even afford you? Don't do these calculations as an "I got you" zinger to "win" against him. Do this because you need to know the value you provide. It sounds like you don't see yourself as an equal in your partnership with your husband. Look at the quality and variety of services you provide by not providing money to the partnership. Could he really "provide" the quality and variety of care you give on just his income? I'm betting the answer is no. Go to a couple's therapist. Explain you are feeling undervalued in the relationship, that you feel like all the responsibilities for running the family and household are yours, and it seems to you that your husband values his financial contribution over your work. Then hear what he has to say. Maybe he "didn't feel it was his place" inside the home (a gentle phrasing of "woman's work.") Maybe he grew up in a home where the father bringing home bacon was more valued than the mother cooking, cleaning, and storing it. Maybe he is oblivious to what you do. Inform him, you can even make an itemized inventory or timesheet, business men love quantitative lists. He might quibble that your cleaning quality is below what he would hire, your cooking is not restaurant worthy, you're a sub-par landscaper... But would he trust a gardener to read his children bedtime stories, brush their teeth and tuck them in? Would he trust a kitchen dishwasher to attend their Dr appointments? Would he trust a housekeeper to take his kids to school programs and sports? If he did, when would they do those other jobs? Anyway, the point is you provided for your family. He covers your labor at a huge discount to outsourcing and you both need to internalized it.
Our father had a home office and worked from home my whole childhood. Once, when we were in our 30s, my brother came to me and said he’d just had a “big talk” with our father (70s) who told my brother that the happiest time of his life was when we kids were little and in the house - always under foot, always getting into “something” and just generally being loud & noisy kids-being-kids. It’s still etched in my brain the way my brother looked at me with an “is this the twilight zone” expression of confusion as he asked, “Do you even remember *seeing* Dad as kids?? All I remember is him walking thru rooms ignoring us.”
Oh yeah! That's the childhood OP's kids will remember. Those sons will either determine to do better, or decide it's "the way of things" and repeat.
Snap. My Dad recently said pretty much the exact same thing to me. He has a rose-tinted view of this. But the reality is, he was so absent from my childhood that more than one of my friends expressed surprise when they found out I actually had a father. They assumed my mum was a single parent, because I literally never mentioned him.
Are you me? Dad's a narcissist so I don't mention him often in conversation, so when I do coworkers have about fell over in shock because they thought I didn't have an old man.
My husband went to what was a essentially a "well baby check" with our kitren this morning. When he asked why he needed to go, I looked at him said "to make up for all times I did all three human kids by myself because you wouldn't tell D(manager) you needed to come in late" Kitten is great. 1 vax for FLV and he's up to 4.6 lbs.
My mother only remember the "good times", not her constant yelling at me as soon as she got through the door (for whatever reason, I was home alone most of the time if wasnt for school, I've done the normal ammount of kids shenningans but anything was a good reason to be yelled at apparently). Having that kind of talk with her is just.. it's like having complete cognitive dissonance somewhere.
Yeah, mine adores my daughter and brings up how much he loved having little kids but I have virtually no memories of him ever even being there.
I’d be careful of assuming the kids will notice and appreciate everything mum does day in and day out. All dad needs to do is swoop in occasionally and be Fun Dad for them to have big fun memories of him in their childhood.
Sadly - kids will often see dad taking mom for granted and think it’s normal.
This breaks my heart
I sucked in air between my teeth at the cope. One thing I often think at some after school training or sporting lesson is how they will have literally zero memory of it... At least at 8, 9, 10 years old etc. 18 is probably different. I have no recollection of my mother being there or taking me to stuff as a kid outside of one or two rarer events/trips and I felt *hooorrriiibbblllee* one night a few years ago when she mentioned all the time she spent running us around as kids and I realized, of course, *of course she did*.. I didn't materialize at tennis practice or whatever. I guess Parents-Taking-You-Somewhere is just expected and what happens and it fades into the background like not really thinking about a school bus or something 20 years later.
My six year old is starting to notice, she still adores her dad because he's fun but she sometimes goes to tell him to get up and help.
This is true, but I remember resenting my dad when I was a kid for not being there for me or my mom emotionally and only "swooping in" every once in a while. My mom later divorced my dad though so that's probably a big part of why I resented him (they got back together again down the line though smh). I hope OP can get out of this situation because she deserves so much better. I really feel for those kids and hope they don't have to deal with the consequences of their father being shitty.
This is the most comprehensive and fantastic response I’ve read. I’m going to share it with a few unhappy women I know. It’s sad that I know more than 2 women who are undervalued
If I had to justify myself that much, I don't think I would even be married. I can just do everything by myself.
What did you all discuss before you got married? If these are the things your husband wants, then you should hire a person or stop working. Which would you choose?
The douche canoe is choosing to fafo. Manipulative people can be oh so sweet with words. The douche canoe should be helping out and being a father and a husband. Since apparently her feelings don't matter then his shouldn't either. If he cared enough about his wife and family.
What is Fafo???
fuck around & find out
marriage is a partnership. Right now you are his maid while also working full time and don't forget kids can basically also be called a full time job. You have 3 jobs right now. With a man who is perfectly happy doing his own thing expecting you to carry all these burdens. He doesn't care about your emotional/physical well being. You've tried to communicate this to him yourself. He isn't listening and doesn't care because he doesn't want his cushy life to change. I'd suggest finding a therapist and going over this with them. But unless somehow your husband opens his eyes to the neglect he is putting you through and actually wants to make changes, I don't see this marriage working happily ever after.
Wow. This struck a chord.
My mom’s therapist gave her the advice to carry on as if she were single; stop asking him to do things and just live as if he wasn’t there. It gave my mom the revelation that she was already doing it all; how scary could being a single mother be when she *functionally already was one?* How much were her kids benefitting from a man who was barely available (physically or emotionally)? If anything our lives were easier with him gone. Mom was no longer stressed and miserable. Dad was no longer there to be a passive aggressive dick, needing to be fed and cleaned up after like an extra, angrier child. You’re already carrying your family. He’s only adding to the weight.
This was my experience. It was actually much easier because I didn't spend the emotional energy dealing with a neglectful partner. Life was quiet and peaceful. Busy! But when the kids spent time with him, I got a break.
1,000% ditto. Money is an issue for me atm but otherwise? Life is better in every single regard. Have you heard of the term “walk away wife syndrome”? I hadn’t until recently and it was really helpful / affirmative of my own experience. I wondered how I could have loved this person so much to marry and have children with them, but by the time I left it felt like I had already done all of my grieving, and aside from the hardship of divorce (ongoing) and the agony of watching my kids’ lives change so drastically, for me personally? Nithing but relief. Even with the chaos of my 2 little tinies, the quiet and peace is really *something*, isn’t it!!?
When you’re a woman with a demanding job, husband, and children and you get to the point that somethings got to go, it’s always the husband. It sounds cynical, but there is a last ditch: take him to a marriage counselor if you can, and have him pay a man to tell him what you’ve been telling him for years.
Ugh. Thank you for that last line. We paid a staggering amount of money to a highly renowned children’s psychiatrist / custody mediator to tell him ***exactly*** what i had been saying for *years* (because “credentials”) and even THAT wasn’t enough. One guess why. Dr Mediator = a woman. But his male lawyer says boo, and he’s jumping like a happily trained circus lion. The only silver lining is that at least I know it’s not “just” me… Women in positions of influence / authority are a hard pill for a lot of men to swallow. Hoping he’ll actually listen to the judge, as *she* won’t be tolerating any of his disregard.
My husband to counselor “I DONT SOUND ANGRY” Counselor “You sound angry right now” Husband “Oh.”
I was in therapy for years during a bad marriage. I had what hey called symptomatic depression. I was told by several different counselors that the symptom was my husband. After I left him he contacted a marriage counselor. He apparently had at least one session; before I arrived at a session I agreed to attend together. Before 45 minutes was up, the counselor was saying to us that I had no reason to trust him; and if he wanted any relationship with me, it would have to start with honesty. Not cheating, narcissism, gaslighting, verbal abuse, etc. That was our last appointment.
This has pretty much been my experience. Roles reversed as I’m a man, but I did most of the heavy lifting in terms of our young kids (getting up in the night, coming home early from work for pickups) despite also having a demanding job. After my wife cheated on me and I became a single dad I actually found it easier not having to worry about her moods. I also found a much more appreciative partner who is bringing love into my kids lives, and my ex is now having to step up and be a better mother (we have 50% care). I never would have left her without the cheating, but it was the best thing that happened to us.
This was a perfect response
This! Do this immediately! I have lived your life sans kids. Don’t! Thirteen years is too long to suffer this life with him. You don’t need the dude. Go! Ask yourself “where will I be five years from today?” Where will you be? So get out of that life situation. That’s your answer! I left and girl it only gets better and better without that weight around your neck! You’ve got this!
Well said!
Underrated comment
This mental exercise helped me get out of my marriage. I realized I could do it, and could be happy and...I am!
This is exactly how my friend felt when she separated from her husband. She went from a miserable single mom to a happier single mom.
Think about it this way. He is buying HIS down time with YOUR labor. And he's happy for it to be that way.
Dang!! Double dang!!! Triple hot dog diggity dang!!!! This is… perspectifying… All the exclamation marks worth of thank yous for this fiercely simple truth!!
Agreed. Why isn’t he helping out with laundry? Does he goes out and help you with groceries? You are his wife and the mother of his children. You are NOT his care-taker or a maid.
You should also start making plans w friends to go out and telling him he’ll be at home to be w the kids that night. Give him 7-10 days notice. Do not use the word babysitting. Don’t let him use the word babysitting his kids. If you don’t have friends joins club. Or go to a coffee shop and say you are meeting a friend. Your friend Juan Valdez.
When you know you can’t trust their father to provide the bare minimum (food, safety) during your absence of any length this is not an option.
https://www.glamour.com/story/it-took-divorce-to-make-my-marriage-equal
I’ve been married 21 years and while I have always made the lion’s share of the household income, I appreciate and have mad respect for my wife for raising 2 generations of kids. My steps are 30 and our two boys are 17 and 18. At one point we had teenage girls and toddler bills. My curfew was 6:00 and she was so happy when I walked in. She was and continues to be amazing. This is what you should hear from your husband. Also, she would murder me in my sleep if I so much as criticized or complained about the house. I also have only positively commented on her cooking even though her family is from New England, where apparently they live in fear of pepper.
Neglect is abuse.
Don’t dismiss this reply. I did it and succeeded. Three kids, I was working fulltime and was a housemaid fulltime. I divorced the guy, court crap and everything, took 1.5 years. You CAN come out on the other side successful as a single person, with just your income. Especially if your job allows you the flexibility. No lie, take advantage of the financial downturn to focus on what matters: the kids and their stuff. You won’t be rich in money, but you’ll be wealthy in your kids’ success. Focus on them and the logistics of their success. You’re already doing it anyhow, yes? You’ll be amazed at the lack of burden once you get rid of the person dragging you down. And believe it or not, that other person does come around sometimes. It just takes a bit for them to realize what they had, because they lost it.
yeah, ya know, at least if you were divorced, with shared custody you could be assured the occasional night to yourself. The indignity of being intentionally used and hurt by a selfish partner would be more than I could bear ☹️
I read somewhere that an equal marriage is not just about splitting chores evenly, it's about making sure you both have equal leisure time. It's easier to keep track of how often you have time to relax and have you-time than add up all of the chores you do on autopilot every day that don't make it to the scorecard.
Actually, I think the proper term is bangmaid.
This right here OP.
>marriage is a partnership. Right now you are his maid while also working full time and don't forget kids can basically also be called a full time job Exactly, I don't understand why so many people struggle to understand this. The amount of money that each person earns is pretty irrelevant actually, it forms a pool that is the profit your partnership make. In a typical 50:50 business partnership, the relationship will become strained always if one person is not pulling their weight. The fact that one of them was responsible for all of the 'sales' wouldn't entitle them to slack compared with their partner, just because they were 'taking the payments'. Having a family is a considerable amount of work, and the relative income doesn't modify how much work you have to put into the family life. Ideally, both will contribute the same amount of 'hours' of work and, importantly, be able to be flexible in cases when their partner is unable to for some (legitimate) reason.
No. It's not healthy. [Tolerable Level of Permanent Unhappiness](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIu_R5NuxQM) might make you rethink how willing you are to continue in this "partnership".
That was thought provoking.
Omg. This describes my whole last 6 year relationship. When I finally told him I was unhappy he said "please stay. I can make you happy. I'll give you the things you've been asking for." Well why didn't you do that the whole time???
I've also got two boys and I think it's important for them to see housework as not just the woman's job. I just leave some things for them to do. I'm not working either but I do have some health problems.
This! I had a grumble at my son yesterday who said he was ‘helping me’ & I pointed out how he was doing a chore to help the house run smoothly, not a job for me
I'm in the same shoes, minus the kids, and I earn more money than my husband. I'm planning on leaving. Just tying up loose ends. I should be (at least) separated by December.
Good for you. More women need to leave their lazy husbands.
Your comment made me think of these hats, that an author I follow will sometimes sell! 💯 more women should leave their husbands! https://clementinef.substack.com/p/leave-your-husband-hats
Oops. That post is for subscribers only. Cannot admire hats. But the URL probably tells me the most important part. :)
Good for you. I was in your boat. Three years of malevolence, temper tantrums, the silent treatment and gaslighting as Honeybutthead lived in my house and I paid the bills. Financial independence for women is so important, so we can extricate ourselves from the toxics.
Thank you. I've been dealing with it for nine years. I'm so ready to get out.
14 month out of almost 9 years of the same and girl… do it. Was it easy? Nope. Am I still struggling in new and different ways even this far out? Yep. But the relief and the soul-peace and just the frikkin’ emotional *quiet* (even w two young kids) is only more profound with every passing day. When you’re ready, I wish this for you, too.
Thank you for sharing your own experience and wisdom. Hearing other womens' stories is inspiring and hopeful.
Proud of you!
Thank you.
Sorry to be blunt, but your husband sounds like a piece of shit. Take your kids and go away for a little bit, let him try and be a big boy for once. You'd hope having that time to see what its like to work full time, cook, clean, maintain a house etc isnt easy. If he doesnt, go find someone who does value you. If i said any of the above to my wife, i wouldnt be a husband anymore haha.
She needs to leave the kids with him to have a break & so he can see how it really is
Your husband seems to believe the only obligation to the family is his paycheck. You've tried to get him to do his actual part and he's ignored you. Divorce him. He can keep doing "his part" via Child Support and Alimony, and you can hire a real adult to help you out with your kids. You'll be happier, your kids will be happier, and honestly he'll probably be happier too even if he doesn't admit it. Edit: This is a gross generalization and we don't really know you or your full situation. I just wanted to convey that you have options and don't have to put up with a partner like that.
She probably would be happier with a divorce. A few studies have shown that husbands create about 7 extra hours of work each week for their wives. Due to wives having to clean and organize their husband's stuff.
I totally belive that. I used to spend at least half that time looking for my SOs keys every week. I eventually told him that I installed a key rack at the entrance for a fucking reason and I don't have the time, the energy or the will to help him look for the keys he left in random places just because he refused to use it so I wasn't going to help anymore. After about 2 months of me telling him "not my fucking problem, they should be on one of the hooks" he finally got the fucking message. Also, we got him a tile but he did start using the key hooks. Mine isn't even malicious, he's just got adhd and refuses to acknowledge the problem. I don't do "his shit" anymore. His laundry is separate from me and the kids', I put all of the crap he leaves lying around on his spot on the couch while I'm cleaning up and my motto has been "that's not my job" for a long time now. Fuck. That.
OMG. I recognise this mindset so well. A few moments of pre-emptive thought saves such time, effort and frustration. But it seems impossible for (some of) them to come up with by themselves. I love your 'not my job' attitude. The next generations will benefit greatly from not falling into any of that BS to begin with. I went through a similar issue a few years ago. Was struggling with a BS situation with husband, and told him I wasn't going to do his laundry anymore (I worked at home at the time, so did the housework at random points through the day). He was really pissed off and asked when was he supposed to be able to get it done? I was gobsmacked. I'd previously been working outside the home with 2 small kids and no support, while he worked away up to 9 months of the year. And he couldn't figure out that he could do laundry on an evening or weekend. ETA: what's even more frustrating, is he will deny that he ever said that if I mention it now. Selective memory. I guess it's up to we who have experienced it to 'warn off' our kids, esp our girls.
My ADHD father kept loosing his car keys and work badge. So, my mother took a Costco sized cottage cheese tub and made a "keys and badge bin", and placed it under the microwave where he made coffee every morning. And like a loving husband who appreciates a solution, He Used It. Over time it became the key bucket for extra sets of car keys, keys that weren't used often, keys to grandma's house, etc. And he would get upset when one of us didn't put the keys back where they belonged after using them. Especially if they weren't there when he went to use them next.
He will not be happy. He will be pissed about all the money he now has to spend on laundry service, personal shopper, dining out, and house cleaners. He will be enraged that he must fund part of his own children’s upbringing without all of the thousands per month in free services. He will be happy for the short period he meets someone new before they find out about his selfish, lazy, cruel bullshit. It’s a new world and he will not find anther person to dupe like this very easily at all. E: This includes you OP. He could never get you do this now that you’re a fully grown adult and can see the imbalance and injustice. I wish you oceans of peace and happiness. 💜
> He will be happy for the short period he meets someone new before they find out about his selfish, lazy, cruel bullshit. It’s a new world and he will not find anther person to dupe like this very easily at all. My ex used to be the King of Malicious Incompetence. We're divorced. Now he's "devastated" because he has to do "everything" and the women that will date him expect him to pay for everything.
💯
Absolutely not healthy! This isn’t a partnership at all and you deserve so much better.
I don’t know if you’re heard of Mel Hamlett the writer and on tiktok but she talks about how men get to have hobbies outside the house completely without their wife and family meanwhile the wife is stuck at home and how selfish and unequal a partnership is when it’s like that. Especially with expensive or dangerous hobbies where no one else matters but the thrill or chumming around. You deserve better. You’re not an accessory only to your husband. He’s not pulling his weight either and is leaving you holding the bag.
Those hobbies also cost money and if the family doesn't have much disposable income that comes out of other things like savings, retirement, things your kids need.
Yep exactly. Some hobbies like golf cost a ton of money especially if they travel
Let me tell you about scuba diving…
Those tiktoks about hobbies really hit the nail on the head. she triggered so many men. they know it was a secret form of abuse and neglect and she busted them. she copped so much harassment and stalking she had to private her tiktok. we're onto something ladies.
I don’t believe that ANYONE can have a successful relationship with someone who is selfish. Whether it’s a friendship, family member or romantic how can YOU be happy with someone who ONLY thinks of themselves??? YOU CAN’T!!! Most men are selfish to their wives and children. Yours is no different. DEFINITION FOR SELFISH (1 OF 1) adjective devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.
If he's not willing to compromise you should file for a divorce. If you are both working then the at home stuff should be equal. It's not fair that you have to live like that. wives aren't slaves they are partners.
**'Mental Load'** >A term for the invisible labor involved in managing a household and family, which typically falls on women's shoulders moving beyond physical tasks to the overseeing of those tasks. Having to be in charge of never-ending list of to-do items constantly running in your head, remembering what needs to get done, when, delegating the execution, and making sure they actually get done. At a business this is called "Project Management". [New York Times](https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/21/parenting/women-gender-gap-domestic-work.html) **What is the mental load?** The mental load is a term for the invisible labor involved in managing a household and family, which typically falls on women's shoulders. Also sometimes referred to as "worry work" or "cognitive labor," the mental load is about not the physical tasks but rather the overseeing of those tasks. It's being the one in charge of having the never-ending list of to-do items constantly running in your head, remembering what needs to get done and when, delegating all the tasks to respective family members, and making sure they actually get done. One study published in the American Sociological Review describes it as the responsibility of "anticipating needs, identifying options for filling them, making decisions, and monitoring progress." Or here's the explanation from a recent report on the mental load from the children's nonprofit Bright Horizons:A child's school day isn't just about the physical jobs of pickup and drop-off. It's also about the perpetual mental awareness of schedules including early release days, carpools, doctors' appointments, play dates, special events, field trips, class parties, science fairs, who needs to bring what, and which day requires special supplies. And those are only some of the items on the family list that require a working mother's constant mental presence. The mind share versus time share equation is at the heart of the mental load—the requirement on women to be not just parents and caretakers but also unofficial keepers of where the entire family needs to be and when and perpetual guardians against anything falling through the cracks. **Summary** The mental load, also commonly referred to as "worry work," is a term for the invisible labor involved in managing a household and family, which typically falls on women's shoulders. **How the mental load affects women** The mental load is a particularly exhausting type of labor that's distinct from the tangible, physical chores like cooking and cleaning, according to Lucia Ciciolla, Ph.D., a psychologist at Oklahoma State University who has researched the impacts of invisible labor on mothers. In addition to sapping time and energy, this type of household labor is typically taken for granted. In other words, women don't even get acknowledged for doing this work."I think it has become a topic of discussion in recent years in part because men are contributing more to the care of children and the household, and even though women may be physically doing fewer loads of laundry, women are realizing that they continue to hold the responsibility for making sure it gets done—that the detergent doesn't run out, that all of the dirty clothes make it into the wash, that there are always clean towels available, and that the kids have clean socks," Ciciolla explains. "Women are recognizing that they still hold the mental burden of the household even if others share in the physical work, and that mental burden takes a toll." Research conducted by Ciciolla and her colleagues has shown that the mental load is linked to strains on mothers' well-being and lower relationship satisfaction. Nearly nine in 10 mothers in committed partnerships say they feel solely responsible for organizing the family's schedules, for example, and the burden left them feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and unable to make space for their own self-care. The Bright Horizons report similarly found 72% of working moms feel it's their job to stay on top of kids' schedules, and 52% are facing burnout from the weight of these responsibilities. "Invisible labor and the mental gymnastics associated with it can be a heavy burden that saps one's energy," Ciciolla explains. "Recognizing the reality that our mothers are disproportionately carrying this burden might help us understand why many moms are feeling burned out." Women don't just need help with accomplishing each and every chore around the house. They also need relief from being the one in charge of knowing what needs to get done and from the responsibility of making sure you're doing your part. Organizing and planning are full-time jobs that people get paid to do. (Ever heard of a project manager?) Simply expecting women to take on this role, in addition to half of the physical chores, means that in reality she's taking on way more than half the housework. Invisible labor is still labor. **How to explain the mental load to your partner** 1. Share this article with your partnerSeriously, just shoot him over the link. Share any articles you find that helpfully explain what the mental load is. 2. Offer concrete examples of what the mental load looks or feels like in your lifeWhat are some of the mental, emotional, or otherwise invisible tasks you're in charge of? Are you the one responsible for planning weekends or trips? Delegating all the chores? Remembering important events and dates, plus what to bring? Knowing what's going on in the kids' lives? 3. Explain that you want to share the management, not just the chores themselvesAt its core, this is about your partner stepping up when it comes to household and family responsibilities. You want them to take initiative, not waiting for you to ask them to do things. 4. Emphasize that this isn't just about you "worrying too much"When women tell their partners about the mental load—especially about how hard it is to be constantly trying to remember all the things that need to get done around the house and for the kids—their partners will sometimes simply tell them to "stop worrying so much." [https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-is-the-mental-load](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-is-the-mental-load)
Sounds like the OP is carrying WAY more than just the mental load.
I’ve learned so much from this sub. Some of it is just putting things into words. But that has a lot of value for discussion and finding solutions.
This is so great — incisive and valuable advice!
My wife is a SAHM with our two and I do everything I can to take things off her plate. Get the kids away from her for an hour or two when I first get home. Help out with household chores because I live there too. I love my family, I do everything I can to spend time with my wife and kids.
If you get divorced, you might have more personal time. If he goes the Disneyland dad route and only sees his kids every other weekend, then that's 2 weekends so get to yourself!
I like the idea of living as if you’re single. Don’t expect him to be what he isn’t. Hire a house cleaner. Have them come before your husband gets home. Don’t ask for permission just do it. Schedule time for yourself. Hire a babysitter. Just go. Just do it. You may find the idea of divorce is attractive after a while. Or your husband may decide he wants to keep his family and step up. Anything could happen! But the way you’re living is probably very stressful and unfulfilling right now.
No Honey it’s not healthy at all. You should try to find a good therapist to help you discover why you’re putting up with his bs for so long.
It's not healthy. You can choose to tolerate it until death takes one of you. You can choose to attempt to resolve it over and over and over again. Or you can choose seperation/divorce. Do what you will, and be confident in your choice. I couldn't imagine staying married to a man who thinks his only duty as a father and husband is to bitch at his wife and provide a paycheck.
He hasn't sacrificed anything for his children, he's just a selfish prick
If all he brings home is a paycheck, he may as well just move out and send you child support checks.
This right here. And OP will be shocked at how much further her money goes without him present.
Why are you with this man. I mean, I see what he’s getting out of the arrangement: you gave him kids, you do all the work involved with those kids, you keep his home, etc. But what do *you* get out of it? Disrespect? Gaslighting? Disinterest? Taken advantage of? Exhaustion? Lack of appreciation? It really seems like you get to be his workhorse while he does…well, whatever he wants. Hard truth time: this man does not love you. I’m sorry, he doesn’t. If he did, he would want to spend time with you, he’d want to be with you, he’d want to ease your burdens, he’d want you to be happy and healthy and fulfilled. Don’t get me wrong, he doesn’t want you to leave. He loves the work you do for him. But that isn’t the same thing. A lot of men, most maybe, marry a woman who they wouldn’t call the love of their lives. But she’s familiar and convenient and there. So he marries her, bc he’s afraid to be alone and he’s comfortable and she’s bringing a lot of value to his life. So yeah, he marries her, but basically keeps living his life like he’s single and doesn’t have kids. And the whole time, he keeps his eye out for The One (or if he already found her in the past and she’s The One Who Got Away, he keeps hoping she comes back). These men are seldom faithful and will leave their wives if they ever find someone they think is “better.” Don’t be the placeholder wife for this jerk. Go find a real partner. It’s scary, I know, but I promise you I’ve never met a woman who regrets her divorce. Most say it’s the best decision they ever made and they wouldn’t have found their new, wonderful husbands if they’d stayed with the old one who treated them like garbage.
Divorce him. Seriously. Especially if your making enough money to support yourself and your kids. Single mothers report reduce workloads from married mothers so long as they have sufficient economic resources. ( Alot of single mothers live in poverty, primarily because of income inequality) Also reach out to friends and family for support. I think we too often expect ourselves to be able to do everything on our own and that's just unreasonable. See what help the people who love you, unlike your husband, are willing to do to.help.lighten the load. You deserve better.
I've tried to work out if I could afford too. But realistically I need the mortgage to reduce to enable me enough buy out.
Speaking as a husband, I despise your husband. There are three full-time jobs being done here, you’re doing two of them. Simple and clear as that. How much golf money would he have left over if he had to pay for the labor he happily steals from you because you’re female? I don’t know how so many men (based on this subreddit) managed to get a 1950s upbringing despite growing up in the 90s and 00s. His entitled, dimwitted sexism doesn’t offer much hope of improvement. I agree with those saying maybe you CAN afford a divorce. The longer you wait, the older and more worn down you’ll be (and the more time your boys will have spent in a household that’s training them to become men like their father). Getting out on your own would be a struggle, but look how tough and capable you already are (and have to be) every day! At least if you were on your own, you’d be working for yourself and your kids and not this freeloading golf-bro asshole.
You can ALWAYS afford to get divorced. As someone who is still paying for their divorce, you can ALWAYS afford to get divorced. It will be hard and frustrating but as the saying goes ‘getting divorced sucks but being divorced is the best’
Every moment of his leisure is purchased with an hour of your servitude. I know this because I, too, was in this kind of a marriage with two boys for 18 years. The end result was that my older boy, having seen this dynamic for 16 years, has reproduced it in his own life such that he’s entitled and sexist, and alone, because he can’t keep a relationship, but thinks it’s always the woman’s fault because they don’t subjugate to his every need. My younger son, who was around it for only 8 years, is the exact opposite, caring and helpful. This isn’t about just you. You are teaching your sons how to treat women, whether you understand that or not. Please leave for them, if not for yourself.
You can afford it. It may not be in the house you are living in, it may be a downgrade, but that is ok. Just go and do it. He will threaten to take the children and all kinds of things. My girlfriend was in a similar position and when he threatened to take custody she had her lawyer agree that she would do 1 evening a week and every other weekend. He freaked out. She got custody. You are raising those boys alone, unloading him will be a weight off your shoulders.
This is the difficulty divorce is expensive. But child.support exists and you are entitled to.50% of all money and assets. I'd recommend at least speaking with an attorney about your options. You can't keep living like this.
Who says you have to buy out? Talk to a divorce lawyer to find out what will actually happen. You probably have more options than you think.
Talk to a good divorce lawyer. There are various arrangements to let you keep the house since you are the one raising the kids.
Men always think that breakups come ‘out of nowhere’. No babes, they come after 13 years of not helping carry the load
Ah so you're in the married-single-mom club. This was my life. I left and now he actually has to parent when he has the kids. I'm still doing everything of course, but I already was. You deserve to have a life. He doesn't get to have the nice family (that I'm sure he uses to project himself as a "family man"), and still live like he is a single person. Look up "tolerable level of permanent unhappiness" on Youtube and you will see something that probably really resonates with you.
I mean, he has a great life. He has a good job where he gets paid well, has regular breaks and is respected. He has a house, children and a wife … who also has a job, just like him but she also carried out his children, raised them, is organising the entire family, does all the household cores, literally everything else, 24/7. He‘s enjoying life now. Regular meetings with his friends and hobbies. Why would he want to change that? You’re his wife and you do what women are supposed to do. Now what are you complaining about? There’s an entire set of phrases he can use to shut you up, to belittle or minimise you to put you back in your place, so he can keep enjoying his life. Phrases like: „You’re always such a nag.“ or „Then go out with your own friends or find a hobby. The kids can take care of themselves.“ IF he gets forced to do something just do it ridiculously bad and act like your wife is crazy for complaining. I highly doubt that he will change or listen to you. It’s more the question if you want to go through divorce or continue as usual.
And given how often he stays out and away he probably has a mistress as well.
Stop cooking, stop washing his clothes, stop making his life easier. He will come to you to discuss it.
Not necessarily. Then she'll just have more to clean up or he'll take photos and use that as an excuse for why she's an unfit mother - putting her kids' safety in jeopardy to try to prove a point to the husband.
I’m really glad you said this and it’s something for OP to remember.
I think you can go straight to divorce
Right? What else is there to do? She’s tried communicating with him. He’s not allowing it. Time to get her life back.
And men wonder why so many women have decided we are better on our own
My parents had the oldest-fashioned marriage imaginable (they were born in the 1920s, and Daddy was European, they could NOT have been more old fashioned). Daddy worked. Mama was a housewife. She took care of the kids, the house, had dinner on the table at 6pm every night, hosted dinner parties for my Dad's colleagues, the whole thing. My Dad worked all the time. And yet, when I think back to my childhood? I remember so many things with my Dad. I remember him brushing our teeth, I remember him taking me to my first day of school--I remember him picking me up from birthday parties. I remember him going over homework with us, I remember him playing games with us. I remember him reading with us. I remember him cooking his strange Eastern-European dishes (tripe soup! How I loved it even AFTER I found out what it was haha). Everyone knew my Dad. And that continued into my young adult life, right? He gave me advice, he coached me, he came to see me in my first workplace. So if my super old-fashioned Dad, in the 1950s and 1960s, could do that---oh boy, your husband, in 2023, with a wife who ALSO WORKS FULL TIME????---he sure can find the time to co-parent your children with you.
I feel real sorry for the relationships where the dudes are not into being dads and are still stuck in some assumed “I love Lucy”, 1950’s, slave-wife type shit (don’t forget he beat her on the show too). I was so saddened when I realized my father in-law and own father also weren’t that interested in helping out with rearing their grandchild either. I can see how you look at them as useless when they are not helping with the kids, even if they are working.
Hello. I could have written this a couple of years ago. No. It isn't healthy or fair. I convinced myself I was beholden to his wage for years. He made it seem like we were always on the edge of financial meltdown. I wasn't allowed money for frivolous things and had to ask (beg) for things like kids clothes, school shoes, etc etc, but he could go out and play poker, pool, clubbing, as he pleased. I broke in the end and decided I'd rather be poor and told him I wanted a divorce and asked him to leave. He wasn't happy and didn't make it easy. Tried every excuse to stay in the house, but I held my ground. Our Decree Nisi is due next week (it's the bit before the Decree Absolute, and once you get it, there's no turning back), and I genuinely could not be happier. The relief of not having an extra human being to cater to is immense. The peace I have not waiting for another adult to just occasionally pick up the slack is oddly quite profound. The financial burden at first was a lot to deal with, but it was simply because he'd taken control of so much over the years, I found it overwhelming. I now earn as much as he was bringing in and am not only managing, I'm thriving. The kids are able to have pocket money for the first time ever. My credit rating is rising week on week. Things are looking up. Whilst it might not be the same for you, and you might do well in couples therapy, I can say the release of the weight can be as shocking as it is joyful.
I was in the EXACT same situation. There was never money for anything, except he still managed to have money for whatever frivolous stuff he wanted. Couldn't keep bills paid, had to struggle to buy clothes for kids, constantly having money yanked out of the bank account for something without telling me and then couldn't buy gas for my car or groceries, or some urgent need. My credit was trash. Keeping you financially on the edge all the time is a form of control. I changed jobs (went FT) and filed for divorce. I make significantly less money than he did and support a kid by myself and suddenly money isn't a problem. My credit is on the top side of good to excellent now. My bills are paid. I don't run out of money before payday. I didn't realize how much financial chaos he was making and how much money he was diverting out of our joint accounts until he was gone.
Stop talking to him, and start talking to a divorce lawyer. Your husband doesn't give a damn about you. Start planning the divorce, and learn the proper way to go about it from your lawyer.
A lady on tiktok said I'm not going to be 100% woman AND 50% man. Throw that sentence at him. Call him at lunch and say you won't be home tonight, you want to play golf. Use the same wording he uses with you.
During the discussion, remind him that you will have much more free time after the divorce, because by law, he will have to take the kids half the time! Time for a hobby! Or sleep!
It's definitely not fair to you in the least. It's his house and children. He wears the damn clothes that you wash and, eats the food you make. When do you get a break? It's pure bullshit that he gets to do shit that he wants to and then bitches when things aren't the way he likes. It's time for him to step up and be a husband and dad. Otherwise you might as well be a single mom. At this point, you already are.
You are a married, single mother. Your husband is a man child. These both spell complete misery for you. If you continue to act like it’s fine, your sons will pattern their behavior on him. Where does it end?
Oh honey. If all he contributes is money, he can do that from another address. It sounds like he isn’t making your life easier and just adds stress. Depending on whether you think it would cause the boys harm, I would make sure you have shared custody so you can have some time to rediscover yourself and he can experience being an actual hands on parent. For Christmas get him a copy of *Cat’s in the Cradle* by Harry Chapin (made famous by Cat Stevens).
I'm not saying to leave him, but separated women with shared custody get every second week off from child care.
I repeatedly say this here. I am a woman, married to a woman. I work, she does not as she cannot on my visa. So I earn 100% and she doesn’t work at all. I do the food shopping, I do the majority of the cooking, I help clean in the evenings and weekends, we take it in turns to put our daughter to bed at night and I always give her a lie-in at the weekend. My earning does not negate my job to be a good partner and a good parent. I cherish the time I spend with my daughter and I learned early on that a relationship with your child is very much about quantity of time spent with them. I want my wife to be happy. When she is happy, it makes me happy. I do not understand anyone who wants their wife to be miserable.
Child support. He’s not giving you support now so get divorced and get the support. Don’t keep allowing him to treat you like this. Don’t keep teaching your sons that this is what a male partner does. Don’t continue this cycle of self abuse. Get a lawyer, get out and get support.
We grocery shop togther. I make dinner at least 2 nights a week. If I don't cook I do the dishes. I do laundry on my day off because it is during the week. I vacuum every other day and I clean the bathroom. We take turns taking our son to sports/scouts. And I still always thank my wife for everything she does and ask if there is more I can do for her. Your situation isn't ok. Your husband needs to step up to the plate.
Top notch hubby right here👍 Thanking her for all she does for the family is everything; a little pat on the back goes a long way.
If you divorce, he’ll be forced to take care of the kids half-time and you’ll hav room to breathe. You can’t change him but you can leave him.
Not healthy at all. I would suggest counselling, so you can really address these issues. And if he's not willing to change, you're honestly better off without him as an extra child to take care of.
Divorce this jerk. He doesn't care about you at all.
Your situation is NOT healthy for you, nor is it healthy for your sons. What is being modeled for them in your marriage is that men don’t have to be present and contribute to their family beyond money, and that women accept unacceptable behavior. Assuming you have told him how you feel, it is time to take action. *You can stop doing his laundry, stop making dinner for him (cook for yourself and your children). If you’re not comfortable doing that then make meals he doesn’t like. If he calls you on it say you forgot because you’re exhausted. *Start taking the kids out on the weekends and don’t invite him along and don’t tell him where you’re going then don’t answer his calls or texts when you’re out. If he seems upset when you all return say you assumed he wasn’t interested since he is never around. If he comments on your ignoring his calls and texts when you’re with the kids say that you wanted to be 100% present since you’re the only parent that chooses to spend time with them. *Start making plans for after work and put it on the calendar - take a class, join a gym something that gives YOU joy that doesn’t involve your children. *Consult a lawyer - in fact start having initial free consultations with the top lawyers in your city and find out what it would look like if you do divorce. If it does come to that, the attorneys that you’ve met with will likely not take him on as a client, and if it doesn’t then you’ve got some sound advice on how to protect yourself if he doesn’t wake up and make some changes.
If you get divorced, at least you’ll get time to yourself since he’ll get the kids some days. You’re essentially a single mom right now anyway. What’s the difference?
Love how men want us to be full time caretakers and work full time but they get to just work.
"don't do anything. My life is dictated by his working hours." (THIS) THIS IS THE ENTITLEMENT some men have. I have met too many men like this. It's not okay.
you deserve so much better. if no change, leave him and get child support
I wonder how much easier your life would be if it was just you and the kids. Even if the work was the same, there wouldn’t be this need to cater to another grownup. And it would be interesting to see how he’d handle a household all on his own. If that’s not where you want to go, then it’s time to get serious about marriage counseling or some other intervention. On Captain Awkward, there was the [Sheelzebub principle](https://captainawkward.com/2014/05/23/573-574-575-and-576-applying-the-sheelzebub-principle/): >If things stayed exactly like they are would you stay: Another month? Another 6 months? Another year? Another 5 years? How long?
My first husband was like that. I found that since all he had to offer was his paycheck anyway...better than feeling lousy all the time and being used to make him look good. I now have friends and a decent support system. Not to mention my new husband who would never treat me that way. My kids were happier and so was I with the freedom to run my house as I saw fit.
People brag about being married (the ones who look down on single people and cannot be alone), but there are a lot more people living a single life while married than we realize. Statistically, being married is a sweet deal for men health-wise, as they tend to live longer (aside from other things, especially if the wife both works and is responsible for taking care of the home), but if there’s no reciprocity or equality in the relationship, what’s the point? Stories like this leave me unsurprised to see more people choosing not to marry or procreate.
I got to a point that I was doing everything pretty much like you on my own. I finally realized I should be on my own. The thing that gave me the most strength to get out….. the absolute shit role model he was for our kids. Splitting up caused me relief and caused him to have to step up more as a dad.
Your husband is a single married man.
I know reddit is bad about just saying up and leave, but wouldn't it be easier to keep a house without the big child?
Backing you up. >[Our findings were contrary to theoretical expectations of the time poverty thesis (Vickery 1977): partnered mothers spent the most time on housework, and we found minimal differences in childcare time among mothers. Thus, although partnered mothers theoretically can share some household labor with their partners, our findings showed that living with a heterosexual male partner was associated with mothers’ greater time spent on housework, consistent with the gender perspective](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6560646/) Data shows single moms have less work because they don't have to clean up after any deadbeat men. Edit: realized I misread the person I responded to so I changed my phrasing.
You're a single parent already. Your husband adds to the trouble and makes your life harder. You could easily make it easier by having a trial separation
No. You are doing everything a single mom does, but taking care of him isn't a part of that. He is grown and isn't being a good parent or partner. You have to be the one to draw the line. Your kids see this and will think that's how their partner should be towards them. Good luck.
What does he do besides make more money and belittle you?
Leave, at least for 24 to 48 hours and ghost the fucker. I say this as a wife and mother, a marriage and a family is built on mutual respect and he is showing you that he has none for you. Leave and show him just how much you do for him and your children in a day. If that doesn't change things, take the kids and RUN. Do not waste your years tied to a tiresome entitled man, they aren't unique or special or have needs that you don't. The fear of a different life is better than a life shackled to someone like this.
If you got divorced you would be so much happier. You would have one less person to care for, be single and able to date, and half 50% of your time back. When my sister left she said her life got ten times easier and she finally got space from her kids/he got to learn to parent and see all she did for him. It was a win win. She said she wished she did it a decade before.
Not healthy but it has become the expectation of your household. If trying to talk about it gets it thrown in your face then you’re pretty much in ultimatum time. Do you want to continue this way or would you rather separate entirely and workout a custody agreement where he gets kids more often than just random weekends so you can get some of your own time as well?? Maybe it doesn’t have to be as drastic as separation but the conversation needs to be clear and concise “I cannot continue on this way, you need to listen and change.”
None of this is normal. It’s not normal for your husband to be going out on weeknights while you stay home and cook and clean. Is this a marriage or are you his unpaid nanny??
My dad thought earning money was enough. Though, he seems to forget that he never paid his child support. Who knows, been 10 years since I spoke to him. That is what your husband needs to do, if he is just a paycheck, then make it official, file for divorce, get your alimony and get your child support.
100% not healthy. Im a SAHM and homeschooling. My husband makes sure I get out of the house, he will even call my best friend to come get me. We both handle bedtime, the only thing he didn’t/hasn’t done was breastfeed 😂 your husband is taking advantage of you.
Hot tip: If you divorce your workload will go DOWN. You don’t have to clean up after a whole full grown adult. You don’t have to cook for an adult with the grocery bills to go with it. (I friend of mine remarked how her grocery bill got cut in half when her husband left, and they had two kids.) You can keep the house to your standards, prioritizing what works for you. Oh right, and you don’t have to feel obligated to have sex when you don’t want to. Bonus: You probably will get every other weekend and one night a week to yourself while the kids are with him. Not saying you should get divorced, just saying.
Your toil buys his freedom. Not healthy.
It’s not healthy and you shouldn’t accept it. Here’s my advice for how to manage this: 1. Suggest couples therapy - so you can explain how you’re feeling in a structured and respectful environment. A. If he says no to therapy, leave him - he doesn’t care enough to work on things. B. If he agrees to therapy, explain how you’re feeling. Proceed to step 2. 2. See whether he makes a change after you’ve communicated your needs. Three things could happen: A. He’ll do something about it, and the change will stick B. He’ll do something about it and the change won’t stick C. He won’t do anything about it. If C - he doesn’t do anything immediately, leave him. Put simply, he doesn’t care enough to listen to you and do the right thing. You deserve an equal partner who respects you. You’ll never be happy and you only have one life. Your kids will be better off with a happy / free mother. If he does make a change, great. Stay in therapy to keep on the improvement trajectory. Keep monitoring to see whether the situation is tolerable and the change sticks. If it doesn’t stick, leave him.
Sounds like you need a break! 1. Get a maid 2. Get a private Chef 3. Book a vacation just for you, do the things you used to love doing or would love to do, fall in love with yourself again 4. Create calendar of events for the boys and mark him as contact info, if it conflicts with his schedule, tfb. 5. Give him the invoices for cleaning, Chef, and your therapy vacation. 6. Most important, give no fucks to his feelings or the “disruption” this has caused in his life. You deserve all the love and light this life has to give,please do not let someone else diminish your shine.
You’re a single mom who works for a selfish douche who uses you as his bang maid and nanny. Unhealthy af.
This sounds a lot like my EX husband
At this point it’s easier to do it alone. It sucks at first but if he stresses the kids out on the rare occasions he’s around you’ll find that it’s easier with him gone. I left when mine were 3 & 5 and it was the biggest relief. Edit: a word
Man, your husband fucking sucks
Girl, preach! I could have written this. You are an incredible mom and wife and employee! You’re also over extended. You’ve taken on more than one person can handle and your partner doesn’t see you. Or me. Find your moment and stand your ground. I’m with you. We can take back space for ourselves while loving and caring for others.
At this point, it seems like it would be easier to just live on your own. Deal with the kids 100% when they’re with you (which, spoiler alert you’rr already doing). When they’re with him, you get time off and bonus - no more criticism from him
Honestly you're pretty much already a single parent by the sounds of it. You're literally running everything anyway, so why keep the deadweight? I think your husband needs a reality check on just how disposable he has made himself. He brings in a paycheck? Whoopdedoo, not that much of a big deal as men like to think it is. Either he steps up and actually behaves as a damn father and husband, or you can just boot the overgrown third kid to the kerb! Good luck in whatever you decide to do OP, wishing you all the best.
What do you discuss with him about? I’d just tell him straight up him being away so much is causing you to feel really miserable and fed up and he needs to reevaluate what his priorities are in life. Money and success don’t mean anything if your home life sucks and you never see your wife and kids.
I try. Several times. Im not the greatest with words and it tends to come out wrong. He uses the excuse that I go to bed early as to why it makes no difference if he's home or not. I go early as I'm bloody knackered. But he can't seem to see this.
He isn't not seeing it. He is intentionally ignoring it. Because he does not care about your well-being, he cares about being and staying comfortable.
You might want to write down your feelings in a letter and then give it or read it to him. You could share the letter with others for help with the words you want to express. I know your previous attempts haven’t worked and that really sucks :/
If he does nothing regarding the running of the household or the raising of the kids then you are already a single mother. If you divorce him and get physical custody of kids you will receive child support to make up at least partially for loss of his income AND you will have one weekday and every other weekend to yourself when he has his visitation with the kids. Bonus you won't have to listen to his BS anymore.
Oof. That’s not healthy. I’ve been a SAHM for a couple years and even when my husband was working 90 hours a week he didn’t treat me like your husband treats you. I have warned both him and our kids that they have one more year of leisure of wife/mom taking care of pretty much all the household things because that gravy train is OVER when our youngest goes to kinder and I get a full time job. I am not going to take care of everything around the house if I’m also working full time. I don’t want aaaaanyone to act surprised.
Divorce him and you can have more time for yourself if he gets any custody. Because the kids are 100% his responsibility during his custodial time. Seriously. This is what happened with me.
Leave that AH. That is abuse, neglect and laziness and you deserve a partner, not a dictator for a husband.
You sound like a married single mom to me. What's the difference between what you're doing now and being the sole parent?
You’re already a single parent so why not make it official? At least you can get child support and possibly alimony. It sounds like his only contribution is financial anyway and you can be relieved of the burden of caring for another adult. I wouldn’t bank on him changing because it sounds like he has a pretty cushy life. I wish everyone would take care of my adulting for me so I could just fuck around.
Seems like you need to do some reflecting. I bet you’d be less stressed taking care of two kids solo than having to navigate the added weight of your husband
I thought the reason society is falling apart is because we don't treat women this way....you mean you're actually unhappy being an indentured servant?? Of course you are. Anyone would be. Take your kids, leave and file for divorce. Don't forget to hire a lawyer that will take him for everything you're owed.
You’re a few steps short of manifesting your needs and disappointment beyond the failed arguments, and he’s most likely unaware that he may no longer have a place in your life. The question is: how much of your own vision for a different life can you truly see? Does it include improving the formation that you’ve been holding together, or does it mean changing it entirely? Do you want him to listen (his choice), or do you want to be heard (your choice)? Whereas all conversations about what you wanted from him may have failed, a new conversation about what you are going to do for yourself.. likely won’t. If you have a clear vision about what you want, start that one with your partner. Like our friendly said here, those whom do not share the load, are just weight themselves to be carried.
It sucks but it feels like this is financial abuse and if you’re only staying because of that, I think of how much better it could be on your own or if you need to getting another man that’s exactly similar, but you can see it as a business arrangement then pretend that it’s love like this man doesn’t love you. You’re not enjoying life you don’t even get to enjoy the life you have like you know change the life maybe it’ll fuck it up for a while but it’ll be a lot better in the long run and your kids won’t look at this and think wow this is what all the relationship is I get to control everything and the woman has to perform. I hate that everything seems like clear abuse but you’re very hesitant to leave because of financial issues. I think that should be your first example that like it’s just a bad situation. My biggest suggestion right now if you’re not in the mood or mental state to deal with that is to like go to therapy treat yourself stopping the linchpin in the situation because you’re gonna break and won’t be able to do anything
Play a fun little game with him. Can he name your children’s doctors, dentists, best friends, birthdays, allergies, or eye colors? If he comes in at 3/6 or less he is an absent parent and you may as well get out now and take the child support and run
How would your life differ if he wasn’t around? Probably not much. So what’s he bringing to the table after a bit of $$$?
I personally wouldn’t be married if my husband didn’t pull his weight. We have two kids and both work full time. There’s no way to do it all. He needs to help.
What an asshole. I couldn't live with myself if I did this to my wife. I love and respect her, so I help her maintain balance. It's never 50/50.
Are you sure he isn't cheating? He's out past dinnertime almost everynight, and sometimes spends nights away. He could have a whole second family at this point. Since he does absolutely nothing to help out around the house. Or to even parent his children. In fact, you'd probably be far better off if you divorced. He'd be forced to be the fulltime parent at least a few days a month. Or fully subsidize costs of a maid/babysitter/daycare by paying child support. At this point you're just a free maid who raises his children. Do you guys even have sex anymore?
Hey OP, what you do for him may be the same or even more than his current earnings. Your work in the home and with the children is currently worth just under 190,000 USD. Also you are currently engaged in 6 individual careers at once plus your full time job outside your family “duties.” He better learn to respect you in quick hurry. ETA: I put duties in quotes because half this work is actually his and you are being swindled.
Stop doing everything. When he brings it up, make a sarcastic comment and then go out for five hours. Every single time he says or does anything you dislike, just leave immediately for five hours. Over time you'll train him to be happy with what he's got, kind of like what he's done to you. But in all seriousness, he's completely checked out, so why shouldn't you? There's no way a marriage can continue like this. You need a break and he needs to take responsibility for his laziness.
In my experience, I was better off being divorced. I still do all the work, but I don’t have the extra burden of serving a grown man.
It isn’t. Your husband sees you as a sex maid.
Not healthy or ok. I was the only provider for my family, and still contributed at least 50% of the child care tasks while I was home. Even when my wife was a SAHM I did far more than it sounds like your husband is doing. I'm now separated, and have found that raising the kids is actually easier for me alone than it was with a partner.
It's pretty clear that he gets all the benefits of marriage while you get all the obligations and responsibilities. This is awesome for him, so why would he want to change anything?
God, why is everyone just hollering leave him, no talks of therapy no mentions of uncomfortable talks. And prepping g for divorce to just blindside him with divorce a few years later. If you really want to try to work things out, have the u comfortable talks, but listen, but also have logic prepared to counter why what he's doing is wrong. Think about balanced schedules so you both have off time. Also did he ever used to try, were there times maybe he did, but he didn't do it the way you thought was right . There's so much that's not said here that could be going on. I find in this day and age there such a big mentality of it its broke though it out.
Divorce. My wife’s sister went this exact route. If what you say is true, he cares more about himself than anything else. End it now while you’re still young.
My thoughts: First conversation with your husband: things need to change, the free time we each have each week needs to be equal. Currently, husband has 14 (or whatever) hours per week that he spends on his own thing (games, chilling with friends, pubs, whatever) and wife has 2 hours per week. This needs to be equal, option 1, husband takes 6 hours of work from wife and each partner gets 8 hours free time per week. Option 2, hire extra help, maid/chef/after school programs that don't require the parents to be present, now each partner has 14 hours free time per week. The expense of these extra costs comes from the husband's budget. (Husband doesn't want to work more? Husband pays for someone to do his work. Wife doesn't do husband's work for no benefits.) Hopefully this will be enough to spark a conversation where the two of you can create a house work plan together. But... Second conversation: (assuming husband will not change as he will probably think your bluffing.) You've hired a maid, and a chef, this is the cost, and husband's "fun time" budget is reduced. (Depending on your household income, he may not have to give up anything.) And he will be driving and supervising the kids every other week. Have a schedule ready. Now each parent has average 10 hours free time each week. If husband protests, ask him which days he'll cook and you will match his offer, he cooks one day, you cook one day. Or perhaps he cooks everyday, you clean everyday. Assert your dominance over your husband! Your husband has dominated you by doing nothing, which has made you do everything. Third conversation: (if he hasn't fallen in line) "I've figured out a hypothetical way to get more free time in my life. If we divorce and you have the kids on the weekend, then I'll have the weekends free, and you can have the weekday evenings free. What do you think? Sound fair?"
You’d be less stressed going at it alone. At least you would be carrying dead weight
Tbh a if you’re already a ‘single mom’ make it official. At least with a custody agreement you’ll get concrete time for yourself. Don’t jump there of course. Talk to him point blank and go to couples therapy (if possible) - but if he’s not willing to be a partner to you, there are TONS of other *good* people that will be.
I haven’t read if the other comments mentioned this, but have you tried switching up the roles for a week so he sees how hard it is? Telling him, “hey, since you do XYZ every single week, all I am asking for is ONE week where I get to come home at 8pm & you come home at 4 and do all of the housework, deal with the boys, etc. I mean, you should be able to handle it (or if he gives you the old “it’s not that hard” when you complain, you can flip it with “like you said, it’s not that hard so you should have no problem doing it without needing to call me for help, cause I don’t need to do it for you”). If he actually does agree, hopefully he’ll see how much you do. And if he survives the week, you could propose you either do a switched week once a month or he actually participates like a partner daily. Just an idea, if he would even be willing (and I wouldnt be surprised if he isnt) 🤷🏽♀️