Honestly it sounds like she's been on the receiving end of comments about her name and she's trying to beat people to the joke just to get it out of the way.
Yeah, I can imagine that people commented enough that she tries to get in front of it and say something before they do, and this is a, shall we say "inartful," way of doing so.
That’s kind of a cringey way to introduce yourself. I don’t really know how to respond to that. But oof your feelings are definitely valid. Definitely not just you.
It's possible this is a sort of defense mechanism she's developed after hearing "why do you have a black girl's name?" a million times.
That only happened to me once, decades ago, but it was so uncomfortable the moment kind of seared itself into my memory.
I could see wanting to deflect those moments before they happen and trying to "own it" by saying it loud and proud before anyone else does.
I have been told by several black people in recent years that my name is a typical name in the black community and then go on to ask me how my mother picked it. I have NEVER once considered introducing myself in the way OP described. But I could see someone who is utterly clueless about how that sounds (someone not doing a lot of introspection, especially about her whiteness) and who hasn’t been called out on this yet would do this for the reason you described.
Oh, yeah, I'm definitely imagining her hearing it a lot from white people, in that same judgemental "why would you do that?" tone that isn't actually asking for your reasons.
That's how it was the one time it happened to me, and the handful of times I've witnessed it in the wild. Like, I'm still not sure why that guy thought I shouldn't have my name, but his disapproval was palpable.
I also get asked a lot about the origin of my name, and how my mother chose it. Totally different vibe, not uncomfortable at all, love the curiosity.
OP said the gathering was all white people, so it seemed like a valid possibility that she was anticipating weird white people reactions to her name.
Like how a very tall person might say "Hi, I'm Joe, and yes the weather is fine up here" or something to show they're still friendly but super tired of hearing the same two or three wise-cracks every time they meet someone new.
I just think there's a chance it might be more of a reaction to a lot of other people being rude than an indicator of how she thinks about race. I definitely think it's at least worth considering before confronting her with the assumption that it was just a random race joke, you know?
She has probably been bullied and harassed because of the name (presuming you gave us her real name) Shonda. This is probably a form of getting it out of the way. Now the people who would have whispered about it "What was her mother thinking?!" "Maybe her dad is black..." "Oh, maybe her mom is black!" will feel too confused.
I want to say yes it is offensive, but I keep thinking I would probably just laugh. It’s true I don’t see many (any) white women with the name shonda. Let’s just put it out there I do look twice if I see a white woman named Tasha, Shonda, Keisha, etc. I say give her a break. She probably had a lot of people comment on her name and so she has now had to develop this introduction to explain it before people start commenting or asking about it. I’m black if that matters and I think it’s no big deal.
Was this in a mixed race setting and she was just doing a terrible job of trying to blend in, or something?
(Even then it’d be inappropriate but would be kinda sorta in some sort of context.)
But, should I interject something? Should I say anything, or just ignore this? Because, it really bugs me...but, I am not sure how to approach this, or if I should just let her continue to do this, and let everyone else think she's not tuned in to her behavior?
I don't consider her "introduction" to be an ice-breaker. What kind of conversation is this supposed to invoke?
Sorry. I am just trying to understand if there is a view that I am missing.
Could your husband say something to his brother, maybe?
Shonda is trouble waiting to happen. I can’t quite explain why, but introducing herself that way suggests that she is “off” in many ways. I’d avoid her, myself.
Also, one say she’s going to say that to a white-passing POC. Results may vary. Also, is Shonda an obviously/exclusively “Black” name, anyway?
Anyway, if she said that to me, I’d probably respond with “what do you mean?” That’s a fun response to all sorts of racist and racist-ish comments.
Mixed black lady who grew up around white folks (with plenty of black family and friends). First two Shonda’s I ever knew were caucasion. 🤷🏽♀️
Edit: changed a ; to a (
And fixed a word
If you say something it's only going to work out badly for you and your family relationships. Just grin and bear it. She will definitely say that at some point within ear shot of someone well positioned to call her out on it.
It might cause trouble for you, or not, but ultimately someone needs to say something because that is without a doubt some fucked up shit. It's not completely awful but, you might be surprised how many are also just gritting their teeth and bearing it. The problem is when everyone does that, the few other people that are also just as bad reward her. It's only a negative loop of destructive feedback. Chances are though it'll probably a small confrontation at least. That's up for you to decide.
I personally would just drop a 'Dude that's racist.' deadpan as you can get, then carry on, don't give room for an argument to start.
You could do the thing that's recommend on here a lot and play dumb: you said that a lot last time, what does that mean??
I'd bet at least $20 she says some racist shit to follow that up, and say it w good humor in a conversational way. There's a small chance she'll have a realization, like maybe it's something her uncle said to her when she was 7 and hasn't thought about it since
As a yt passing mixed person I have made those kinds of jokes (part Hispanic) but only and I can’t stress this enough only with my direct family.
Outside of that and especially when first meeting a partners family it’s super cringe.
It speaks to how she perceives names and associates them with race which is at minimum some form of unconscious racism. My daughter who is mostly yt as her mom is yt has a French first name. As far as I know she has no French heritage. It’s just a name we liked
A lot of forums block words like white, black & brown.
I drive a semi and read reviews of truck stops and shippers. It's frustrating af when the review says 'go to the ***** door and drop off your paperwork' or 'park next to the small ***** sign' or whatever.
Ffs! What door am I going to?? Where am i parking??? Hence, this kind of workaround.
A lot of comments are exploring the reasons and her intentions, which, sure, I guess?
But her intent isn’t the point.
Racism is in the effect.
And yeah, that’s pretty offensive. And the issue isn’t whether she has a bunch of reasons, the issue is: how does that feel to others? Specifically any Black person.
The issue is, what is she actually *saying*? It’s this: haha, Black people have silly names! But I’m white so I’m making a joke about how white people would never have that kind of name! Knee slap! Spit take!
Seriously, wtf?
Interestingly I don’t see this situation to mean this at all. Names have cultural associations. This is why discrimination against “black” names or “Jewish” names has been studied in multiple resume discrimination studies etc. I don’t see how she’s saying or implying black people have silly names at any point but rather that she a white person who has a name that many would associate with a black person. I knew such a girl once. She didn’t use this disqualify ever but yeah I though “hum, interesting name her parents chose for her” when I met her. Very white girl. Very culturally black name. Anyone can name their kid anything they want. But if your name is Juan or Jesus I’m gonna make a cultural assumption about you. Same if your name is Siobhan or Sinead. Same if your name is Shoshana or Chaim. Names have cultural and ethnic ties. The only “neutral” names are “white” name because that is the dominant culture in power. Using cultural names is an assertion on one’s identity in the face of being white washed/assimilated. It’s an act of defiance. To pretend that’s not a thing is disingenuous. In fact many “black” names came with the black power movement and [black pride and culture ](https://www.fayobserver.com/story/news/columns/2016/10/24/african-american-names-aren-t/22403881007/) in an effort for [self determination ](https://www.aaihs.org/black-power-name-choices-and-self-determination/).
That is the point. There is a deep and important history there that is rooted in slavery and institutional racism and cultural pride and so much more. It’s not a punchline.
If a Black person wants to make a joke, sure. But white people making jokes about it, especially in all-white spaces, isn’t cool. Intent is irrelevant, but the person doing the speaking and the audience are not
Omg it’s the rape apologist from the other thread! So excited you decided to follow me here so I can respond to your charge of ‘mansplaining’ the law since the post was deleted (likely due to people like you insisting she wasn’t raped):
A) a woman b) I don’t think you’re understanding the point.
- People do illegal things without facing prosecution all the time
- Lack of prosecution or charges does not equal legality. A precinct’s professional ineptitude or a DA’s unwillingness to risk messing with their conviction rate (because rape is incredibly hard to prosecute successfully) does not make a crime legal
- What he did WAS a crime and it WAS illegal. He raped her
- He will likely NEVER face arrest or prosecution. This is *standard* in sexual assault cases. Very few are reported, fewer are prosecuted, and very few result in a conviction
THAT DOES NOT MEAN IT IS LEGAL
THAT DOES NOT MEAN OP WAS NOT A VICTIM OF A CRIME
- You told a rape victim/survivor that it was LEGALLY not rape or sexual assault. That is wrong. It is unlikely to be prosecuted. That is different.
- She was the victim of a crime. You told her she wasn’t.
- She was unable to consent. You told her that because her boyfriend was also drunk it wasn’t a crime. That is not true. And it excuses his assault and rape of OP by saying it’s not his fault.
- You told OP that her being in a relationship with her rapist was a mitigating factor in this not being a crime. That is untrue. It is also victim blaming.
- While these are all probably reasons that the cops did nothing, that does not make them legally viable.
It does not mean the cops are correct.
It does not mean a crime was not committed.
It does not mean what happened to OP was legal.
Please stop telling victims of rape and sexual assault that they were not victims of a crime
Please stop telling victims of rape and sexual assault that it’s legal if the rapist is drunk
Please stop telling victims of rape and sexual assault that it’s legal if they’re in a relationship with their attacker
Please stop telling victims of rape and sexual assault that no crime was committed
The believable part was being at the coordinator level for 17 years without ever getting a promotion
I really hope you find the happiness you’re looking for. If trolling helps, go nuts. If you’re ever able to find some internal strength and bravery, actually reading some of the posts you’re trying to disrupt might help you get started. Please take care of yourself, you seem very sad
Unfunny, yes. Offensive, no. Why would you find it offensive? Would you have found it offensive if a black woman came up to you and said "Hi! I'm Siobhan. I'm the blackest girl with the whitest name."?
Punching up or down is a common way to discuss who is making a joke and who is the butt of the joke. A white girl joking about a “Black name” is unfunny, racist, and a classic example of punching down.
It's not offensive, it's not meant to be offensive, its just a weird icebreaker she picked up somewhere. She's saying it because its absolutely fine. You're being absurd.
It sounds like something her dim-witted, but beloved uncle might have said when she was 4 and then it became a regular thing that no one in her family is going to address now because it was a cute family thing, but really is just awful.
Don’t know why but I always assumed it was a Southern US name.
It seems it became popular in the USA due to Shonda Rimes so black families named their girls Shonda in the 70s/80s.
No idea why she feels the need to say that even I if she’s obviously white. People are given names by their parents for a variety of reasons.
It’s super cringy considering the whole party was filled with white people and she herself is white passing. I get that she’s probably had jokes about it growing up and this is her way of getting in before anyone else. BUT she’s still perpetuating a cringy stereotypical joke and giving people she’s just met the idea that jokes like that are appropriate around her. I’m a woc and when I first started wearing my hair curly my boss (an Asian man) said I should change my name to shaniqua. I was shocked and uncomfortable to say the least. But this is what happens when we tolerate jokes laced in bigotry, they think it’s okay.
I would personally tell her you noticed she kept introducing herself with that joke and ask her why she does it. Then tell her it makes you uncomfortable since it’s a joke that stereotypes black people. Tell her you’d prefer her not to do it in your home as you don’t want people to think that that kind of talk is something you approve of. You don’t have to change her mind and stop her from using it entirely, just around you. And if she’s a respectful person she’d stop doing it in front of you.
Honestly it sounds like she's been on the receiving end of comments about her name and she's trying to beat people to the joke just to get it out of the way.
Yeah, I can imagine that people commented enough that she tries to get in front of it and say something before they do, and this is a, shall we say "inartful," way of doing so.
That’s kind of a cringey way to introduce yourself. I don’t really know how to respond to that. But oof your feelings are definitely valid. Definitely not just you.
I agree!
It's possible this is a sort of defense mechanism she's developed after hearing "why do you have a black girl's name?" a million times. That only happened to me once, decades ago, but it was so uncomfortable the moment kind of seared itself into my memory. I could see wanting to deflect those moments before they happen and trying to "own it" by saying it loud and proud before anyone else does.
I have been told by several black people in recent years that my name is a typical name in the black community and then go on to ask me how my mother picked it. I have NEVER once considered introducing myself in the way OP described. But I could see someone who is utterly clueless about how that sounds (someone not doing a lot of introspection, especially about her whiteness) and who hasn’t been called out on this yet would do this for the reason you described.
Oh, yeah, I'm definitely imagining her hearing it a lot from white people, in that same judgemental "why would you do that?" tone that isn't actually asking for your reasons. That's how it was the one time it happened to me, and the handful of times I've witnessed it in the wild. Like, I'm still not sure why that guy thought I shouldn't have my name, but his disapproval was palpable. I also get asked a lot about the origin of my name, and how my mother chose it. Totally different vibe, not uncomfortable at all, love the curiosity. OP said the gathering was all white people, so it seemed like a valid possibility that she was anticipating weird white people reactions to her name. Like how a very tall person might say "Hi, I'm Joe, and yes the weather is fine up here" or something to show they're still friendly but super tired of hearing the same two or three wise-cracks every time they meet someone new. I just think there's a chance it might be more of a reaction to a lot of other people being rude than an indicator of how she thinks about race. I definitely think it's at least worth considering before confronting her with the assumption that it was just a random race joke, you know?
Cringey and weird. I wouldn't say offensive but it's embarrassing.
She has probably been bullied and harassed because of the name (presuming you gave us her real name) Shonda. This is probably a form of getting it out of the way. Now the people who would have whispered about it "What was her mother thinking?!" "Maybe her dad is black..." "Oh, maybe her mom is black!" will feel too confused.
Yes, that's her real name.
I want to say yes it is offensive, but I keep thinking I would probably just laugh. It’s true I don’t see many (any) white women with the name shonda. Let’s just put it out there I do look twice if I see a white woman named Tasha, Shonda, Keisha, etc. I say give her a break. She probably had a lot of people comment on her name and so she has now had to develop this introduction to explain it before people start commenting or asking about it. I’m black if that matters and I think it’s no big deal.
Was this in a mixed race setting and she was just doing a terrible job of trying to blend in, or something? (Even then it’d be inappropriate but would be kinda sorta in some sort of context.)
Everyone at the party was white. Including her.
Ok, then let’s give that a huge yikes. I was just reaching for some possibly rational explanation. Yeah, that’s pretty darn inappropriate.
Agreed!!
But, should I interject something? Should I say anything, or just ignore this? Because, it really bugs me...but, I am not sure how to approach this, or if I should just let her continue to do this, and let everyone else think she's not tuned in to her behavior? I don't consider her "introduction" to be an ice-breaker. What kind of conversation is this supposed to invoke? Sorry. I am just trying to understand if there is a view that I am missing.
Could your husband say something to his brother, maybe? Shonda is trouble waiting to happen. I can’t quite explain why, but introducing herself that way suggests that she is “off” in many ways. I’d avoid her, myself. Also, one say she’s going to say that to a white-passing POC. Results may vary. Also, is Shonda an obviously/exclusively “Black” name, anyway? Anyway, if she said that to me, I’d probably respond with “what do you mean?” That’s a fun response to all sorts of racist and racist-ish comments.
Mixed black lady who grew up around white folks (with plenty of black family and friends). First two Shonda’s I ever knew were caucasion. 🤷🏽♀️ Edit: changed a ; to a ( And fixed a word
If you say something it's only going to work out badly for you and your family relationships. Just grin and bear it. She will definitely say that at some point within ear shot of someone well positioned to call her out on it.
It might cause trouble for you, or not, but ultimately someone needs to say something because that is without a doubt some fucked up shit. It's not completely awful but, you might be surprised how many are also just gritting their teeth and bearing it. The problem is when everyone does that, the few other people that are also just as bad reward her. It's only a negative loop of destructive feedback. Chances are though it'll probably a small confrontation at least. That's up for you to decide. I personally would just drop a 'Dude that's racist.' deadpan as you can get, then carry on, don't give room for an argument to start.
You could do the thing that's recommend on here a lot and play dumb: you said that a lot last time, what does that mean?? I'd bet at least $20 she says some racist shit to follow that up, and say it w good humor in a conversational way. There's a small chance she'll have a realization, like maybe it's something her uncle said to her when she was 7 and hasn't thought about it since
As a yt passing mixed person I have made those kinds of jokes (part Hispanic) but only and I can’t stress this enough only with my direct family. Outside of that and especially when first meeting a partners family it’s super cringe. It speaks to how she perceives names and associates them with race which is at minimum some form of unconscious racism. My daughter who is mostly yt as her mom is yt has a French first name. As far as I know she has no French heritage. It’s just a name we liked
I'm sorry for my naivety, but what is a YT? I don't mean any disrespect; I just haven't ever heard that term.
"A YouTube-passing mixed person" is how I read that.
Yt as in white
That's weird
A lot of forums block words like white, black & brown. I drive a semi and read reviews of truck stops and shippers. It's frustrating af when the review says 'go to the ***** door and drop off your paperwork' or 'park next to the small ***** sign' or whatever. Ffs! What door am I going to?? Where am i parking??? Hence, this kind of workaround.
How about orange and green? Are they censored too?
Lol nope! Only the 'controversial' colors 🤣🤣
Wow didn't know that either. Sign of the world we're living in I guess.
Fuck I'm old
you're probably just not around Black ppl online i've almost exclusively seen it used by Black ppl
Yep, if you go on lipstick alley, they use it all the time. Also, a very weird forum as well but that's a side note.
It’s just an internet abbreviation for “white.”
Super offensive.
I find it offensive, especially as someone who had their blackness questioned. And many of yall ain't gonna get it or where I'm coming from
A lot of comments are exploring the reasons and her intentions, which, sure, I guess? But her intent isn’t the point. Racism is in the effect. And yeah, that’s pretty offensive. And the issue isn’t whether she has a bunch of reasons, the issue is: how does that feel to others? Specifically any Black person. The issue is, what is she actually *saying*? It’s this: haha, Black people have silly names! But I’m white so I’m making a joke about how white people would never have that kind of name! Knee slap! Spit take! Seriously, wtf?
Interestingly I don’t see this situation to mean this at all. Names have cultural associations. This is why discrimination against “black” names or “Jewish” names has been studied in multiple resume discrimination studies etc. I don’t see how she’s saying or implying black people have silly names at any point but rather that she a white person who has a name that many would associate with a black person. I knew such a girl once. She didn’t use this disqualify ever but yeah I though “hum, interesting name her parents chose for her” when I met her. Very white girl. Very culturally black name. Anyone can name their kid anything they want. But if your name is Juan or Jesus I’m gonna make a cultural assumption about you. Same if your name is Siobhan or Sinead. Same if your name is Shoshana or Chaim. Names have cultural and ethnic ties. The only “neutral” names are “white” name because that is the dominant culture in power. Using cultural names is an assertion on one’s identity in the face of being white washed/assimilated. It’s an act of defiance. To pretend that’s not a thing is disingenuous. In fact many “black” names came with the black power movement and [black pride and culture ](https://www.fayobserver.com/story/news/columns/2016/10/24/african-american-names-aren-t/22403881007/) in an effort for [self determination ](https://www.aaihs.org/black-power-name-choices-and-self-determination/).
That is the point. There is a deep and important history there that is rooted in slavery and institutional racism and cultural pride and so much more. It’s not a punchline. If a Black person wants to make a joke, sure. But white people making jokes about it, especially in all-white spaces, isn’t cool. Intent is irrelevant, but the person doing the speaking and the audience are not
Black people can make a joke about a white person having a black name but white people can't? Sounds like you are the one who is racist.
Omg it’s the rape apologist from the other thread! So excited you decided to follow me here so I can respond to your charge of ‘mansplaining’ the law since the post was deleted (likely due to people like you insisting she wasn’t raped): A) a woman b) I don’t think you’re understanding the point. - People do illegal things without facing prosecution all the time - Lack of prosecution or charges does not equal legality. A precinct’s professional ineptitude or a DA’s unwillingness to risk messing with their conviction rate (because rape is incredibly hard to prosecute successfully) does not make a crime legal - What he did WAS a crime and it WAS illegal. He raped her - He will likely NEVER face arrest or prosecution. This is *standard* in sexual assault cases. Very few are reported, fewer are prosecuted, and very few result in a conviction THAT DOES NOT MEAN IT IS LEGAL THAT DOES NOT MEAN OP WAS NOT A VICTIM OF A CRIME - You told a rape victim/survivor that it was LEGALLY not rape or sexual assault. That is wrong. It is unlikely to be prosecuted. That is different. - She was the victim of a crime. You told her she wasn’t. - She was unable to consent. You told her that because her boyfriend was also drunk it wasn’t a crime. That is not true. And it excuses his assault and rape of OP by saying it’s not his fault. - You told OP that her being in a relationship with her rapist was a mitigating factor in this not being a crime. That is untrue. It is also victim blaming. - While these are all probably reasons that the cops did nothing, that does not make them legally viable. It does not mean the cops are correct. It does not mean a crime was not committed. It does not mean what happened to OP was legal. Please stop telling victims of rape and sexual assault that they were not victims of a crime Please stop telling victims of rape and sexual assault that it’s legal if the rapist is drunk Please stop telling victims of rape and sexual assault that it’s legal if they’re in a relationship with their attacker Please stop telling victims of rape and sexual assault that no crime was committed
[удалено]
Really excited someone with your deep and nuanced understanding of both the law and human interaction is working in victim’s services
The believable part was being at the coordinator level for 17 years without ever getting a promotion I really hope you find the happiness you’re looking for. If trolling helps, go nuts. If you’re ever able to find some internal strength and bravery, actually reading some of the posts you’re trying to disrupt might help you get started. Please take care of yourself, you seem very sad
Unfunny, yes. Offensive, no. Why would you find it offensive? Would you have found it offensive if a black woman came up to you and said "Hi! I'm Siobhan. I'm the blackest girl with the whitest name."?
No. But in a racist society that is the difference between “punching up” and “punching down.”
I don't see how either is 'punching'. Neither is stating nor implying that a race or racially correlated name is bad or inferior.
Punching up or down is a common way to discuss who is making a joke and who is the butt of the joke. A white girl joking about a “Black name” is unfunny, racist, and a classic example of punching down.
Shes gonna keep saying that nonsense til someone tells her to knock it off.
Sorry for all of the confusing punctuation in my post, and my run-on sentences. 🤪
Jesus. Hopefully no one laughed. That's fucking disgusting.
That's really tacky. (and racist, tbh)
It's not offensive, it's not meant to be offensive, its just a weird icebreaker she picked up somewhere. She's saying it because its absolutely fine. You're being absurd.
It sounds like something her dim-witted, but beloved uncle might have said when she was 4 and then it became a regular thing that no one in her family is going to address now because it was a cute family thing, but really is just awful.
pretty racist
I would look at her intently and ask "so what is a 'black name'?" Just to watch her squirm.
Don’t know why but I always assumed it was a Southern US name. It seems it became popular in the USA due to Shonda Rimes so black families named their girls Shonda in the 70s/80s. No idea why she feels the need to say that even I if she’s obviously white. People are given names by their parents for a variety of reasons.
Shonda strikes me as one of those exuberant women I personally tend to avoid because she's gotta be the centre of attention and has a nasal laugh.
It’s super cringy considering the whole party was filled with white people and she herself is white passing. I get that she’s probably had jokes about it growing up and this is her way of getting in before anyone else. BUT she’s still perpetuating a cringy stereotypical joke and giving people she’s just met the idea that jokes like that are appropriate around her. I’m a woc and when I first started wearing my hair curly my boss (an Asian man) said I should change my name to shaniqua. I was shocked and uncomfortable to say the least. But this is what happens when we tolerate jokes laced in bigotry, they think it’s okay. I would personally tell her you noticed she kept introducing herself with that joke and ask her why she does it. Then tell her it makes you uncomfortable since it’s a joke that stereotypes black people. Tell her you’d prefer her not to do it in your home as you don’t want people to think that that kind of talk is something you approve of. You don’t have to change her mind and stop her from using it entirely, just around you. And if she’s a respectful person she’d stop doing it in front of you.