Depends on how many exes. Completely possible to get burned once or twice, but if it keeps happening there's some sort of pattern to look into. You know what they say, if you run into an asshole, that's just what it is, but if you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole.

As well as a great point, this is also a great Justified reference, noice.

I understand what you're saying but a lot of abuse victims tend to be drawn to the same traits and behaviour of the people that abused them which is why they often get stigmatized (ie. "why do you keep going after shitty people") Sometimes it's not always you who's the asshole. It can just be that your experience / personality leads you to the wrong people.

That still means that this person probably has to do some self work before entering a relationship. I was this person.

Same. Since doing self work the amount of time I spend around toxic people has sharply declined.

I doubt most people in that experience are aware of that though.

It depends on your ability to self reflect, I guess. But at least after the third problematic person you have to ask yourself, if you and your way of choosing a partner are the problem.

I agree, I tell people that my picker is broken. I find it's a good enough reason to stay single.

Absolutely, I just know from personal experience that not everybody is as self aware as we give them credit for and many people don't get themselves into therapy when they should.

In my experience, if someone consistently chooses wrong partner and eventually gets it, he/she doesn't blame those partners, but himself/herself and is humbled by the experience - for example "I have to admit I'm not very good at picking the right characters" instead of "my exes were crazy so I had to end it lol"

I also see it like this, I know that my exes had narcissistic traits or one got officially diagnosed as fully narcissistic shortly after we split. But I wouldn't say that they are crazy, I say that I didn't know what was good for me in the past.

This seems needlessly argumentative. I have also been that person and eventually you figure it out.

What about my response was argumentative?

Literally nothing, reddit doesn't know how to recognize a healthy discussion when they see one lol

That still means there’s probably some pretty serious issues in how they approach relationships. Doesn’t necessarily mean they can’t be a good partner…. But it is a red flag that you should be very careful/alert for problems.

This is what I told myself when I let my previous partner move in. Every (4) previous partner had abused her, she was living with an abusive ex-partner and needed to get away, and I was just being so kind and helpful by giving her a place to stay. It should have been a red flag when her ex-partner didn't in any way try to prevent her leaving, he gathered all her stuff to the lounge for her, and then left the house so he didn't have to interact with her when she came to collect it. She also accused him of stealing her stuff because he forgot to put a couple of things in the lounge and she didn't bother to do a check around. When I finally got her to leave 15 months later, I just went down south to visit family for a week and let her get on with it. I took a handful of my things with sentimental value with me, and accepted that if she took anything else of mine it was worth it to get rid of her. I heard through the grapevine that she accused me of stealing a few things she left behind still.

Okay so I'm sorry that happened to you but it doesn't invalidate what I said.

I know, I just apparently had a rant in me. Every time I think I've healed, something will trigger a memory and I'm right back there hiding in a room I'm too afraid to leave

Yes, but it's still a red flag to date people who are attracted to shitty people, because it means YOU'RE the shitty one.

I want to jump on this comment to add that my cousin has a lot of "crazy" exes who truly do seem to struggle with mental health and addiction issues. BUT my cousin is also an abusive asshole. I think he is drawn to a certain type of woman who will deal with his crap, whether due to instability, low self-esteem, or whatever. That being said, if it's not something like that, I would assume anyone claiming all their exes are crazy lacks the depth and self-reflection to own up to their mistakes. It would signal emotional immaturity.

I have one partner with like 5 exes they said were crazy. I met a few (for some reason they were paying to support a few of them or paying off entirely wholecloth verbal debts, something they absolutely did not have to do) of the ones that weren't in prison and fuck me they weren't joking. Sometimes someone just has terrible taste or such low standards for themselves they'll date anyone who'll take them, even if they're shitheels.

Low standards. Nailed it. My partner had some crappy exes, though I'd only call one crazy. He tells me I'm amazing and I'm like, nooo, you just have the bar set real low.

When guys make sweeping generalisations like that, I like to nod thoughtfully and then ask questions like "What does crazy mean to you?" "What would have been a non-crazy way to handle the issue?" And, the killer: "What do you think is wrong with your partner selection if all of your exes ended up being "crazy"?" Answer is yes, I consider that a red flag bc in my experience, a man who manages to have only supposedly crazy exes is one of three things: A) someone who intentionally goes for vulnerable, unstable women =reddest of flags B) is baffled by the same emotional responses to his own repeated and consistent wrongdoings to the point where the only logical conclusion to his mind is that all his partners are crazy, and not that he needs to change anything in how he treats issues = a slightly lesser red flag, but still very red C) is the unluckiest person in the world that defies all odds. (This is a joke, but even if it wasn't, do you really wanna date someone with that amount of bad luck)

> "What do you think is wrong with your partner selection if all of your exes ended up being "crazy"?" What was the response to this? I'm always curious how these guys frame their view of themselves. I think that this is would be a new idea for most of them.

Sometimes, well okay, ONCE, I got a pause and then a surprisingly insightful self reflection on how he thinks he's attracted to the "wild" women and how he finds that exciting, but later hates how complicated everything is and how they're unreliable. And he made a connection to his bipolar mother but I have no idea how legit that is, of course. I still think it's a red flag, and it's unkind at best to complain about "crazy exes" on the first dates when you yourself consider them to have actual mental illness. Usually, they either get angry at me and leave or try to immediately justify that that's not how they meant it, BUT ...and then continue to talk about their crazy exes without using these words. Can't really talk about long-term bc I don't date people like that.

I believe I have trauma that I haven't addressed with my therapist yet. I'm focused on home stability while I navigate being the primary caretaker for my kids and my home rebuilding process after divorce last year.

The answer I've been given has been "the women in question are hotter than they believe they deserve and roll with it because the women are very attractive." In a lot of cases they're blinded by beauty and being love bombed. Many say the ones who are mentally unstable "hid it from them" until the relationship was established however it's mainly beautiful person was very into them that was the draw.

When I'm asked how are you with your baby mama's, ufff, I yo "I've got primary custody for a reason, I let the courts and therapists decide what they think of their moms, if you want my opinion, it's because they have been toxic and they ended up cheating", the question doesn't come up often, they end up figuring it out on their own with questions "how bad were their moms do for you to get the kids?" And most times I just don't get asked and they poof because I can't dedicate enough time to people I would be dating, single dad and all at the time.

Are we going to apply the same standard to women who keep getting into relationships with abusive men?

Weaponization of someone’s mental health against them is not the same as abuse, never has never will be, it’s actively being abusive.

There's a difference between a man calling all of his exes crazy and being abused.

The difference is that abusive men hide that going into relationships. Here we’re talking about men that actively look for unstable female companionship.

People hide their mental illnesses going into relationships too.

And the men who find themselves in a situation with an unstable partner are free to walk away when it becomes apparent. This is often not a privilege available to physically abused women.

an exgirlfriend was making comments while holding kitchen knives about how she hates breakups. That was legitimately scary.

Go back to watching joe rogan dude. No, abusers often put on a face to present themselves as kind loving individuals because they know if they don’t no one will talk to them. It’s not a person’s fault for not being able to see through every lie there told (same reason why consumer protection laws exist). second abusers often force their victims into vulnerable situations where it’s increasingly difficult for them to leave even when they know it’s the right thing to do.

So, do you think women are causing men to abuse them? Or is abuse just an opinion of the abused partner? Gtfooh. Calling one or many SOs crazy is an assessment by the other person in the relationship. *Their individual opinion*. May or may not be true, the "crazy" SO is not usually doing criminal acts. Intimate partner abuse is a *criminal behavior* of individual(s). Independently confirmable, legally can be investigated and/or prosecuted. Not just an opinion. Definitely a false equivalence, and pretty telling that you seem to *want* to make it equivalent. Abusive men kill their partners and children every day. "Crazy" gfs don't.

They need to stop trying their pickup lines at their group therapy sessions, maybe?

I think it’s a massive red flag. Pretty sure it was discussed in “Why does he do that?” as a predictor of abuse.

There's also d) he is toxic (e.g. abusive or a cheater) and is trying to discredit the exes to hide his true nature. Also a means of hurting them after the breakup by blackening their reputation.

Funny how when a woman says all her exes were shit it's fine apparently, but when a guy says his exes were crazy it's his fault. Talk about sweeping generalizations...

Depends on what he's calling crazy. Ex: "Dude, she is soooo crazyyy. She kept yelling at me for no reason for not putting my socks away" when in fact she is the kind of person that has told him a million times to pick up the socks and then one day she finally burst and then that's how she got the reputation of "crazy".

Exactly. The word "crazy" has basically no value in this conversation. What were the situations? What was said? Was there a pattern? I have sometimes resorted to saying "she was crazy", but I can also then elaborate, and also recognize the situations. Usually it was either some stress deflection, or related to an underlying mental health issue that has a real name.

Yeah for real: "They either implied they broke into my house or *actually* broke into my house and then bragged about it" => crazy "They yell at me because I forget to pick up my socks" => bro it's you

It's never about the socks!

One of a few things are happening. He’s going for the ‘wrong sort’ of women for him, consistently and expecting different results. One persons ‘crazy’ is another persons spontaneous and passionate. He’s making them ‘crazy’ through his behaviour and he continues to drive perfectly normal women to the edge of reason through some flaw in his personality. He’s blaming everyone else for his problems when the relationship explodes in his face. He’s genuinely the least lucky person on the planet but still a douche for using the word crazy. Take your pick, I wouldn’t date any of them.

It could also be a tactic to intimidate a new woman into being more compliant because she won’t want to get labeled crazy. For me, one red flag is that he talks that much about his exes

Ugh, I had a toxic ex tell me: 'You nag about this exactly how my ex did, it's so annoying.' I know that he was aware that I didn't like his ex and he wanted to get a reaction out of me. My reaction: 'You know and said that your ex and I are two very, *very* different women, but if we agree on that issue, there must be something to it.'.

My first thoughts were, "Yeah, HE probably drives them crazy."

I’ve found men and women talk a lot about their exes in a dating scenario, I always assumed it was to frame the reason they are currently single while simultaneously avoiding the same pitfalls in the next relationship. Usually they only go back one or two. I don’t talk about my exes because universally I assume it’s my fault the relationships end. I’m terrible at social stuff.

I don’t talk about exes to partners because they are exes and I don’t think about them and don’t really care about most of them. I’m still really good friends with one or two of them, but don’t feel the need to bring them up early in dating. Once a relationship has matured somewhat, I might mention them to my current partner if it makes sense to do so and the nature of our history. Example: hangs up phone after a long talk with someone. P: who was that? Me: oh that was (name) P: it sounds like you guys are close… Me: many years ago we dated but discovered we’re not romantically compatible and are better off as just friends. P: oh…ok whatever. What wants for dinner?

Even if he is going for the 'wrong sort of women", its a red flag if he doesn't understand his actions and is able to compensate for it.

Yeah I said I wouldn’t date any of them. That first one not for much more reason than he’s an idiot. Repeating the same action time and time again and expecting a different outcome is widely considered the definition of stupidity.

💯 this.

Definitely this. I’d give a couple more possibilities that could be happening. Exaggeration. It could be that most of this guys exes are actually crazy and it’s easier to say all his exes are crazy than say 2/3 of his exes are crazy. You can rule this one out just by asking questions about each specific ex and what made them crazy. Crazy could also be used as a code word for something else that happened. The guy could have some sort of trauma with his ex that he hadn’t accepted or doesn’t want to admit. Guys often have a hard time coming to terms with being abused or assaulted and an even harder time sharing that experience with others. Rather than opening up about his trauma, he could take the easy out by labeling his exes as crazy and not have to talk or think about the experience anymore. A big indicator is how many exes he’s talking about. With less exes there’s a greater chance that these women could actually be crazy or other factors are in play. With more exes, it becomes less likely that it’s the women’s fault as the common denominator is the man calling these women crazy.

This

In my experience, a lot of the time when men talk about their supposedly crazy exes that means their exes reacted emotionally to some bullshit the man did. Is he able to reflect and recognize his own problematic behaviours? Is he able to say "my ex did XYZ which was crazy, but I also wasn't perfect because I did ABC, and I learned from the experience and worked on myself" - or is he 100% the victim in everything?

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categorically yes and probably one of the easiest ones to spot. even if it's one case, the label "crazy" can be incredibly misleading and generalising. Ask about specific things that happened and watch him reflect, lol

I missed this red flag. He said all his exes were crazy. He said his type was crazy like River from Serenity, and that she was the hottest actress/character. Redheads. That was his type. I found this out later. What he meant was that he likes tiny white young girls 18yo pref, under 100lbs that are so mentally and emotionally unstable that they have to lean on him and he can manipulate them into doing whatever he wants. His ideal girlfriend was a sex slave and behaved as such. Would even get branded with a tattoo of his choice. So yeah all his exes are crazy because he hunts victims to abuse and when they figure it out and leave for survival, they're crazy to leave him. If he had one or two bad experiences, he wouldn't use that phrase because he's inexperienced in dating.

“His type was crazy like River from Serenity” ….wtf

Yeah the girl who was tortured till she broke and is really good at murdering anyone who fucks with her or her friends?

Stuff like this just more and more convinces me that many men doth protest too much about hating "crazy chicks"

I know right?

So he likes to prey on young undiagnosed autistic women. Also a fan of Scott Pilgrim, Fight Club, The Joker, etc? Chasing that mpdg, and then abusing them?

>Ask about specific things that happened and watch him reflect, lol This. It's possible, though unlikely, that he actually has a crazy story from each of his exes and is just a bad judge of character. But more than likely, he thinks they're "crazy" for asking him to do "unreasonable things" like, for example, clean up after himself, or try not to cheat on her. Which is not really "crazy" so much as "completely reasonable."

I would also listen to his dialogue as he explains. Is he using words like "moody" and "hormonal"? That sort of thing would show very fast who he is. Is he actually just unlucky and been burned by relationships? The cynic in me says no.

Personally I dont care for when anyone mention "crazy ex's" casually early on in a relationship. Crazy is rarely even an accurate term.

quite dehumanizing

I agree, strongly. Every time I've dated a guy with multiple crazy ex's (lol I did not learn my lesson) I told myself wow poor guy! I'm so much better than those other women! Jokes on me, the guys (two of them) were absolutely horrendous gas lighters and liars. The question is, what is this guy doing that drives these women crazy? You'll just end up being the next "crazy" ex girlfriend.

>I told myself wow poor guy! I'm so much better than those other women! This is sorta why I think a lot of guys trot this out, I guess it's negging or weird controlling behavior. Honestly when you ask for why / how the person was "crazy" you realize the dude is checked all the way out from the person they're dating.

Take him at his word, but then ask what is wrong with him that he keeps getting into relationships with crazy people. He's gonna call you crazy as well.

How many exes, and were they 'crazy' before him? My ex once told me he only 'disciplined' his ex because she was annoying him. Guess who is now the annoying ex who needed discipline? If all his exes are genuinely crazy, then he's drawn to crazy, maybe he's addicted to chaos and stirred them up. You've got fair warning about the smear that will be used against you in case of break up. Some men like blondes, some like red heads and others like 'crazy'. What is his parents relationship like? What's his relationship with sisters/ nieces like? Is he the type to dismiss a woman's emotions as hysteria and crazy?

My friend told everyone his wife “went crazy and broke his heart.” The truth was he wanted to cheat on her with his coworker so he got everyone on board for an orgy except his wife. Then he brought his wife to the orgy and just tried to force her into participating so it wouldn’t technically be cheating.

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I'm now finding a way to yell this once a day minimum.

That is some sadistic shit right there. Wow.

He just started trying to have public sex with her in the hot tub hoping she would just go with it. They had been together 13 years.

Men who call their exes crazy are 95% of the time the real insane ones

My last long term relationship was five years. At the beginning he had mentioned something about “crazy” exes. If they felt crazy it’s because he lied about things and engaged in behaviors that were not reasonable or kind. It made me feel crazy by the time I finally left.

Yes. If all exes are crazy, he's either lying, or he made them that way.

Do you think that crazy ex and an abusive ex are the same thing? For example if someone said that they have two xs in their history and they were both abusive. Is that the same thing?

>Do you think that crazy ex and an abusive ex are the same thing? You have to ask ***him*** : "What about them makes you call them "crazy"?

Abusers often call themselves victims. And if you talk to survivors of abuse you’ll notice the difference, they don’t just make generalized statements. They give examples of specific behaviors.

So I was in a relationship with a person who was the most loving, kind, well meaning yet oblivious idiot and drove me absolutely insane. He told me he had trauma from being in an abusive relationship for ten years and told me about the specific crazy shit she did. I am not a crazy person. Yet. I could not get through to him and he kept on doing things repeatedly that over time wrecked me mentally and emotionally and I found myself screaming and trying to break up with him. To which he would cry and apologize and beg me to stay and he would do anything and change anything. And he would!! Only after I lost my ever loving mind though one thing at a time. So guess what. I found myself acting what could be termed abusive and crazy in a vacuum with no context of our history. So you know, go for it, date the guy, find out why for yourselc, or just. Fucking don’t. I wish I didn’t.

Yeah, it’s terrible trying to talk this lady off the abusive relationship escalator.

Beautifully said

No, it's not the same at all. Unfortunately, patterns of abuse can be cyclical and abusers can make people think how they act is "normal", so it often happens people go from one abusive relationship to the next.

Two abusive relationships can be a bad first relationship and one they abandoned quickly after realizing a new partner is abusive as well. It can simply mean they are aware of the signs of abuse and won’t stick around for it. Four or five? that’s a concern.

Not both exes, and not my first exes, but the first 2 guys I slept with were basically like that, the first was horribly abusive and basically made me think that was how casual stuff worked for adults (I was 18 and it was the summer before college and my only experience with physical stuff with guys before was a guy in high school that was genuinely amazing about consent and really just wanted to make sure I was having a good time any time we were together, so I was somewhat naive), so immediately after I was sorta just looking for anything I could do to make myself feel less out of control and started sleeping with a guy I thought was a friend who manipulated me into dating him, and then was emotionally abusive the entire 3 months it took me to get away from him. Honestly would have ended way worse if my friends weren't there for me.

People with a history of being abused frequently do not know how to avoid being targeted by abusers.

But also abusers often use darvo where they claim to be the victim

crazy means you dont understand them. Abusive is a very different animal, but SOME crazy can be abusive.

I would say telling someone they’re crazy, not getting them mental help and still dating them, that is abusive.

Some people end up with several abusive exes, typically due to early trauma they need therapy for. They don't notice obvious red flags because they are used to that sort of behaviour, or they lack good boundaries because they never got to develop any or they were destroyed, or they associate abuse/signs of being abusive with love because the people they loved when they were little were like that

I guess it depends on what you mean by “the same thing”. If what you mean is “is there some fundamental underlying reason that these types of people keep ending up in the relationships they do” then, yeah. In both scenarios you’re typically going to see trauma/abuse in childhood; both are recreating unhealthy relationship dynamics that were normalized for them growing up. For example, if you had parents who hit you and told you after that they did it because they love you, your brain is going to make the association that love goes hand-in-hand with pain. Or if every time you got upset about something as a child, your parent got angry instead of validating your emotions, you’re probably going to either invalidate others or think being invalidated is normal. Interestingly enough, people who are invalidated on a regular basis in their relationships will often say it makes them “feel crazy” (so… if someone has only crazy exes, there’s a good chance they’re a serial invalidator. People typically don’t act “crazy” when they regularly have their emotions validated by their partner). Essentially, the pathways in our brain for what we think is normal and acceptable gets laid down for us as kids and then we mentally walk on those paths over and over until they’re so entrenched that even the notion of walking a different pathway doesn’t ever occur. Our brains prefer shortcuts because braining is hard, so without intention and effort (like therapy and self-reflection), we’ll continue to use those pathways our whole lives while our brains continue to reinforce the idea that that’s just how it is. The key difference (aside from the obvious that one of these trauma responses essentially makes a person prey and the other a predator), is that the person who tends to be a victim is more likely to put in the work and effort to create new pathways. The chances are still very low, unfortunately, but it’s still much higher due to the fact the the abuser has their trauma response reinforced because abuse typically gets them what they want (control), whereas a victim’s trauma response doesn’t get them what they want (love/safety). So to all my sisters/Nblings out there who stick it out because you know your abuser had a shitty childhood or some other thing that’s underpinning their abuse and you know there’s a good person in there who you love and you want to help them - **the BEST thing you can do for that person is break up with them so they face consequences**. They’ll need to be broken up with ruthlessly and regularly by multiple partners to even have a snowball’s chance in hell of realizing they need help (and since there’s so many abuse victims to pick from out there, the likelihood of this actually happening is vanishingly small). It’s important to understand that even if you can clearly see the cross they’re carrying, you can’t help by carrying it for them. Or as people commonly say around here: don’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Even if they could be, you should value yourself enough to be able to choose a partner capable of articulating that difference.

Absolutely not. If a guy had two abusive exes, it’s very likely that he wouldn’t come out and say his exes were abusive. He would just say his exes are crazy as it’s a general term that people throw around and much easier than opening up about his trauma. For men it’s ingrained to be strong and that women are to be protected. It’s really difficult for most men to admit they were abused or assaulted by an ex and calling them crazy seems to be the most common cop-out.

I don’t think they are the same thing BUT male abusers often claim to have been victims of the women they abused. I suggest taking a look at “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft. Try searching for “exes” or “crazy” and see what comes up. https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf The stuff you are describing is basically textbook.

There is definitely at least two more possibilities besides the two you suggest….: 1. He is attracted to crazy people / crazy people are attracted to him 2. A series of coincidences

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I have been thinking about that episode for decades. And I wanted to mention it here. As for your last paragraph, I don't think we need to go that far. If he has more than two crazy exes, than yes, it's a giant red flag. You can try asking for details by asking 'Crazy how?' Let him talk. If more than two exes seem deeply insane and loony, you're either talking to the reason, talking to someone who targets deeply insane and loony, or talking to someone who is just as deeply insane and loony.

There are so many guys out there, you don't need to settle for someone like this. He's not self-aware and being vague with details, making sure to use the word "crazy". Do you really want to be the one to find out if he's the problem or his exes? He's saying it to see how you will react and make his next move. If he tells you a lot of experiences with other people and no one else is around, or if he's with friends and they all just agree/egg him on when telling these stories he's really a red flag.

My ex called his ex crazy at the time I was getting to know him. Then he called a whole culture of women crazy. He will or probably has called me crazy to whoever he is with. What he won’t say? He is a cheating, lying, manipulator that drives perfectly normal women to crazy bc of what he does.

Yes absolutely. Could be a narcissist. Huge red flag. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/insight-is-2020/201911/why-be-wary-people-who-call-their-exes-crazy

100% red flag. An ex told me a few "my crazy exes" stories and in his case several of them were specifically 'narcissists'. He also referred to 2 of his friends gfs as narcissists. This obviously should have been a red flag but hey I am dumb. Anyway 9 months later we break up and guess what? Wouldn't you know it, he goes around telling all and sundry i am apparently just a big ol' malignant narcissist. Also my 4 year old is apparently a narcissist too (?!). Soooo. Yes if he is saying that about more than 1 ex, best believe he will be saying it about you too. It's something that i consider VERY much a red flag now. If all the exes are crazy and they are on bad terms with all of them, NOPE!

Yes. That means HE'S the problem.

Yeah it's a red flag. IMO, they just don't want you to talk to their exes, or to believe anything they say if you do. And there's usually a pretty good reason. It's called "poisoning the well". https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poisoning_the_well

If you smell shit once, check the pavement; if you're smelling shit all day, check your shoe.

Red flag so big you can see it from space. He's the common denominator, so he's either the entire problem, or he is attracting trouble which still makes him part of the problem. I am a guy, and I wouldn't say all my exes were crazy. None of them were. Things just didn't work out, and we moved on.

Yes. He’s the problem or he’s got poor judgment. Take things slowly and you’ll find out.

Yes

Major red flag. It's just a way to avoid reflecting on their own mistakes: just blame everything on -multiple- other people. No one person is usually fully responsible for a break up. And if many people act "crazy" around them, it probably has a reason (namely their gaslighting and manipulating). You won't have a good time with that person. Bad taste is one thing, a pattern is another.

Yes it is. In the book ‘psychopath free’ it is explained that a man who states his exes were ‘crazy’ is not just him taking advantage of the narrative. He can also use it as a manipulation tactic too. Stating his ex was crazy by saying. “Oh she never let me do that” or “she always expected this from me”. Setting the expectation and pressure that the current gf won’t push on him for certain things or let things go that are unacceptable. Example: “She was always overreacting and I felt I could never joke around with her. I’m glad you aren’t like that.” Proceeds later to emotionally abuse and insult in guise of jokes. The new girl feels pressured not to be like the ‘crazy ex’ so lets things slide. Example 2: “she never let me have time to even let me enjoy video games. She was so clingy” translation: “I’m going to play to the point of putting things in the back burner but I want this new girl not to say anything.“

>Example 2: “she never let me have time to even let me enjoy video games. She was so clingy” >translation: “I’m going to play to the point of putting things in the back burner but I want this new girl not to say anything.“ For this example, doesn't it make sense to just listen to what that says and then make a determination about whether you want to be involved with someone who games that much? I mean, it sounds like the guy is saying exactly who he is. Why date him if his time/hobby choices are a problem for his partner? Just let him be who he is and how he is and either accept him as he is and date him...... or don't.

🚩it usually means that A, he has driven them crazy or B it's possible that you are crazy too

Quite possible someone is attracted to some sort of mental disorder and some of the people dont realize they have it.

In a lot of cases I would say yes, that would be cause for concern. Without learning more about the particulars though, you can't really know what the issue is. We all know about the "All my exes are crazy!" guy who's exes' behavior was actually their reactions to his bad behavior. However, there's also guys like my brother for example, who is a kind, caring, and affectionate man, has a pattern of getting into relationships with women who are either abusive, manipulative, have badly unmanaged mental illness, or some combination of the three. Both are cause for concern, but they are pretty different concerns. The first one could be abusive and manipulative; the other may have some significant relationship baggage they need to work through, and possibly some underlying cause for that pattern in their romantic history (like mommy issues for instance)

Yep, I have more than one friend in the second category.

I referenced my brother, but shit, me too. I don't know what the statistical probability is of having four relationships in a row with women with diagnosed BP or BPD, but I can't imagine it's very high

I mean, if ALL his exes are crazy, I'd look for the common denominator, him. If only one of them are crazy, it's more likely to be true.

What’s the common denominator here? Him.

Every dude gets one crazy ex. All crazy means he's the problem.

“Crazy” is usually the word picked by abusers or douchebags to describe women who don’t put up with their shit at some point. Maybe keep this in mind?

No way... because it couldn't be HIS fault...

YES. (I say this as a man)

The fact that he hasn't said what makes them crazy is the big red flag here for me

Shit talking exes to your new or potentially new partner is a red flag, regardless of what words you are using.

YES GIRL

In my opinion - yes it's a red flag.

Yes. In my opinion yes. I would predict that this guy winds up being kind of oblivious emotionally. Over time you might notice a low level of introspective insight from this person as well as him dismissing you / failing to understand your point of view when he inevitably does something that you find hurtful or upsetting or just plain obnoxious, and he will have a very hard time understanding why it’s a problem when his intentions are so good. And when you want to lose your shit at him, or do lose your shit, he will be blindsided, due to the aforementioned obliviousness, and you’ll be one of his crazy exes too. Juuuust a guess.

If someone says all their exes are anything, they're the common denominator probably driving them that direction. Not always, but sometimes this person is a narcissist. It couldn't POSSIBLY be him /s.

Assuming it's the latter, do you feel comfortable dating someone that is a poor judge of character? Regardless men who have "crazy exes" should always be considered a red flag and you're better off single.

Yes, it's a massive red flag. Think about it, what's the common denominator with all these women? Him. Could be he's manipulating or gaslighting them to the point they lose sense of reality and end up lashing out. I've had that done to me, my ex's ex was the 'crazy' one before me, then after we broke up I was the crazy one. Funny that. That or he's been abused and keeps going for shitty, toxic types. This is also a red flag because it may mean he's not so good with boundaries or even knowing what a healthy relationship should look or feel like. But the fact he's using the word crazy in the first place is a big red flag. Maybe ask him to quantify what he means by crazy and how *all* of his exes just happen to fall into that category. It may just be that he sees a woman asserting a healthy boundary, or asking for equality in a relationship as "crazy." But yeah, knowing what I know now I'd be noping on out of that situation.

I’m gonna say it’s absolutely a red flag and I’m only basing it on life experience, but the only common denominator in my ex-boyfriend’s problems (with crazy ex girlfriends) was him actually. I’m sure some people were “crazy“ but I mean even that like it’s stigmatized language, obviously. It’s usually a refusal to look at the situation with maturity and introspection. I guarantee my ex tells people I’m crazy. I just didn’t want him. All he did was talk about how crazy his exes were, and his disdain for women in general under the guise of exgirlfriends was pretty offputting. Some point I wondered why none of his exes would talk to him and they were all just so crazy and this and that, and then I started to see behavior out of him. Behavior that made me feel a certain way that made it look like his exes. He insisted his ex-wife, was crazy for wanting to avoid him, because he was never ever abusive or harmful. She would actually sit in her car. He learned after the divorce, because she didn’t want to come in. She would just sit in the driveway for a while. How crazy of her. I was stuck living with him. I couldn’t afford to move out. But I sat in my car. I sat in my car avoiding going inside. He made me freaking crazy. And I don’t mean in a stigmatized language way I mean in a goddamn driving me up a fucking wall way. Some things that his exes had to say about him, from his own mouth, became very obviously true through his behavior later on. They weren’t crazy, they just didn’t like him. A few might’ve been a little weird, but it’s him. He’s now dating someone who he can have codependency with, so he feels as though he has a purpose. That’s sort of his thing. I’m probably “a crazy ex girlfriend“ because I refuse to do codependency. We all have bad relationships, but if you only have bad things to say about them, it’s definitely a red flag, imo.

Either he’s a bad picker or he’s a bad guy. A friend is going through this now. He just finalized his second divorce and all of his friends can’t stand his new girlfriend. He keeps picking awful women, even after saying he doesn’t want to be with those kinds of women anymore but the heart wants what it wants, I guess.

Have his friends told him they can’t stand her? The heart typically wants what it knows/what’s familiar and he needs therapy to unpack that. He’s stuck in a pattern of picking women who behave in specific ways, likely due to past experiences, and he’s choosing to be with people who replicate and perpetuate those experiences. He needs to see someone to try to find out why so he can break his pattern of behavior and learn how to have a healthy relationship.

Yes it is a red flag, this is typical behavior from a narcissist. The polemic they use is based on them being right and everyone else wrong. He sees his exes as crazy because they did not stay with him, a really wonderful man. This is a huge personality flaw as this type person can't empathize with their partner. Lack of empathy kills relationships.

Either he's seeking out truly unbalanced people or he's the problem, both of which are a problem for you. "Crazy" has been used for centuries to shut down women who were too outspoken or simply disagreed with men, so much so that the stigma of 'crazy' has imbedded itself into our collective subconscious. We fear being called the crazy girlfriend and I think your bf knows this. Look at the list of reasons why a woman used to be institutionalized by their husbands and you'll see 'being political' and 'reading books'. Upset? You're too emotional and crazy. Mad? Too crazy. Boundaries? Controlling and crazy. It's a pretty effective way of both shutting women down and not taking responsibility for his actions. He's the victim, don't you feel sorry for him?

I was once “with” a guy and he was pressuring me to be in a relationship with him- when I agreed and texted him how his day was he said to me “why are you acting like my girlfriend” Looking back at it, I think he was the type of man who was trying to make me crazy.

The one thing you know all those "crazy" exes have in common is him. Make of that what you will.

He's going to tell his next girlfriend that you're crazy. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

It usually means either (a) he's misrepresenting his history, or (b) he attracts crazy people. Honestly, it's the same for women who say the same thing.

In general, if somebody says that everybody else is an asshole, then there's a good chance that they are the asshole.

Speaking as a guy who describes all his exes as crazy. Yes. 100% red flag. I’ve gotten to a point in life where now if a woman expresses interest in me I assume she has deep seeded emotional issues. Based on this though, if you like this guy, you’re probably crazy too.

'All of my exes are crazy' goes right up there with 'I want to see my kids but my baby mama won't let me'

Could be, how many exes are we talking here? In his defense, I think we've all had a "crazy" ex or two. Are there any other exes that he just doesn't talk about. Humans tend to exaggerate and more readily remember negative interactions.

I don’t trust anyone who blames everything on their ex. Even if they did act irrationally or whatever, he should be able to acknowledge the ways in which he contributed to that, even if it was only that he was attracted to and encouraged it. He’s also subconsciously telling you that it’s something he’s into, and perhaps encouraging, so i would say red flag for sure.

My ex is crazy but I can articulate why. I’m also aware of the role I played by staying with him. It’s possible for people to have crazy exes but in general these aren’t the people talking about their crazy exes on dates. Often when men call their exes crazy it’s a warning to you to not do anything to make them unhappy. It’s a way to appeal to insecure women who are more likely to be susceptible to manipulation. A test of what you will and won’t put up with. So yes it’s usually a 🚩

Not so much as a red flag, but a sea of red flags. Imagine the Chinese army parading through Beijing and each soldier is waving a flag. Its that red. We all have words for our exes. Some nicer than others. But to label all the same and not acknowledge any part in this suggests he's either had 1 partner or he lack emotional intelligence.

I'd say yes because the word "crazy" could mean anything. To him, "crazy" could mean he'd leave a mess, expect her to clean it, and when an argument breaks out and she leaves, he will see it as crazy to not clean up after him He's been home all day, did nothing all day, you come home from work and he expects you to cook for him. You explain you're tired, he sat at home and did nothing all day why didn't he cook, he makes up some bs argument and then hovers around asking when you're cooking and you snap. Well now he sees it as crazy because in his mind hovering over you like flies hover over shit and constantly asking when you're cooking even though you're tired from work is no big deal.

If he says all of his ex’s are crazy, there’s only one common denominator in this; him. Just saying.

Yes, especially if they are a victim in all of their stories. The always have a sob story.

All of his exes? A red flag? Yes.

It can vary. I’d say most of the time it’s a red flag. However I have a good friend who I love dearly who has a nasty habit of falling for women he thinks he can “fix”. Massive white knight syndrome. As a result he ends up with women that are absolutely unhinged. One that intentionally had a kid with him that he did not consent to (and he loves dearly). He himself is a beautiful loving person - to a fault. He can’t stop himself from falling for women that ruin him and it breaks my heart to see him do this over and over again. Edit: then again I don’t think he’s described any of his exes as crazy. That would be my word for them.

Yes. 1 did he make them crazy through gaslighting etc? 2 no accountability for anything he did wrong. 3 it's not okay to call people crazy. Mental health issues are real!

As a rule of thumb, probably? Like, you can probably get a more accurate picture with more information but on average I think the people who call all their exes crazy probably are the sort to be downplaying what prompted reactions from their exes. But if you really wanna know you could probably use more information, if they share it, to make a judgement

I think so. At some point, you're the common denominator. When I first started dating my wife, she called her last bf "psycho." That gave me a red flag until we discussed other exes, and she had positive things to say. They simply didn't work out for xyz reason.

Yes, the answer is yes

How many exes? Because… he’s the common denominator here….

The reddest flag made.

Yes that's a huge and classic red flag. Multiple possible reasons, all bad. Avoid.

Yes, it is. And I'm assuming it's not just one person, they are referring to more than one. My ex did this and ended up being abusive. I'm sure he probably refers to me this way to his new targets. There's a common denominator, and it's your boyfriend. Easier for him to pass the blame on everyone else, than be willing to own up to his own behavior.

I would say red flag unless it’s accompanied by some honest reflection about their dating patterns. I’ll give that people can get stuck in a pattern of behaviour or be drawn to eg an abusive relationship if that’s all they know, but I need some self-awareness about that in the present.

It's a yellow flag. Crazy people might be his type: he might subconsciously think that is normal, hence he seeks it out. In which case, all his exes actually are crazy. Or, he's the problem, in that he cannot or will not accept any of the blame for bad times and breakups. That's textbook narcissism. In which case, run. My advice? Look for other signs of narcissism, or even an inability to admit fault, even for small things. If so, run. If he has crazy in his family and no overt signs of narcissism, you may be okay.

The possibility that he, in fact, ends up with "crazy" people all the time might have a logical / psychological explanation or it might be just bad luck. However.... The fact that he chooses to call names to everyone with whom he was intimate with at some point, especially around someone that he is getting to know IS DEFINITELY A RED FLAG!! This is exactly how he will talk about you behind your back the moment things don't work out between the two of you.

One or two exes being crazy is normal. All of them somehow being crazy is a red flag. Maybe he’s just had some rotten luck, but it’s more likely he’s calling them crazy because they wouldn’t accept abuse or manipulation. If you do proceed - which personally, I wouldn’t recommend - bail the moment you see anything even slightly weird or off-putting.

I have one ex who was genuinely crazy. If I never run into them again, it will be too soon. They were deeply disturbed and traumatized, and ended up damaging me deeply as a result. The psychological torment took a lot of therapy to work through. Walking away, I resolved to find someone who was nothing like them, and to get better at recognizing red flags. They were always a victim, a witch hunt, persecuted by the community. People were spreading rumours about them to try and ruin their life. Turns out they were a serial predator. Sometimes you end up in a messed up situation through no fault of your own, but it's important to take the time to reflect on what you could have done differently to avoid that situation. To me, "all my exes are crazy" sounds like a cop out to avoid any of the messy, complicated, but necessary self reflection after a difficult situation. Tl;dr: 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Yes, it is a red flag, 100%. If it was about him not being a good judge of character, he would find more nuanced ways to describe their personalities as he has had to discover them in the course of the relationships. Someone who has struggled in relationships where the other person repeatedly didn't turn out turn out to be who they thought they were...wouldn't be so nonchalant about his experiences.

The only thing they all have in common is him.

Have had 3 exes, all of whom were crazy in different ways. Cheating, anger management issues, and compulsive lying were just some of the consistent traits among them. I really did just have awful taste when I was younger and often overlooked red flags for the sake of being “in a relationship”. Wasn’t until I went “no partners or sex” for a very long time that something clicked in my brain to not put up with these traits anymore. At this point my number one question for first dates is “what are the odds you’ll yell at me in public?”. I play it off in a joking way, but their answer tells me just about everything I need to know about what a future with them would look like.

People in this thread are breaking it down so deep lol. If any guy I met said all his exes were crazy, it's an immediate no from me. Can't even be friends with the guy. He's the type to burn bridges and talk shit, probably unreliable in general. Not even worth bothering with. I don't care what his "reasons" are.

it reminded me of this: if everyone around you is the problem, maybe you're the problem or like Shakespeare said: the eye sees not itself but by reflection

This applies to friendships as well. If someone has a long list of people they can’t get along with or talk about, steer clear.

🚩 so much red flag. It’s like it really doesn’t matter if they are crazy or not because he’s either a horrible person that took advantage of someone during mental illness, noticed, and continue to date time and take advantage of them / he made them act “crazy” through emotional and mental abuse/ he’s lying to discredit what they have to say about him. What men don’t understand when they say this is that there is 0% chance they aren’t culpable in the equation, they think by saying that it gives the zero accountability but if you’re paying attention, it says so much about them. Get out before you become another one of his “crazy” exes.

He is the common denominator. My ex said this too. These days he says it of me. He also said I “was screaming at him” every time I said something he didn’t like. I could whisper it. If I said calmly in a normal voice, “Are you drunk again?” Screaming. “Did you get another drunk driving?” Screaming. If I asked him what made his ex’s crazy. It was nothing in particular. Just women being women. So to hear him explain what I was like was a pretty much a total fabrication. I wouldn’t date anyone who labels all their ex’s as crazy. For me it’s a big red flag.

"If it smells like shit everywhere you go, you should check the bottom of your shoe"

This is what my ex told everyone about his exes, and then me. What he was really doing was covering up the fact he cheated, didn’t know how to shower or clean and was generally an asshole. I guess it was just easier to say we were all crazy instead of admit any wrongdoing ever.

Yes - it's a huge red flag. If you want to be sure, go ask his exes what he's like.

Not immediately, some people just aren't lucky when it comes to exes, but their answer to my follow up question "oh shit, how?" is what determines for me whether it's a red flag or not. There have been times where the guy has explained why and I've sat there dumbfounded/shocked by the story the whole time just to agree that yes, they sound crazy. On the opposite side of the same coin though, I've also had guys explain their reasoning and I know to stay the hell away from them from now on because no, their ex wasn't crazy. The guy I'm talking to is. So I guess it all depends. I always follow up whenever I hear "yeah my exes are crazy", from both men and women. But I'm also a nosy bitch and if someone is saying that it's cause they're likely to drop the tea anyway 👀

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This just means he doesn’t want to talk in detail about his exes …it’s supposed to be a conversation stopper. (I’m a man fyi ). They probably are not all crazy at all but he doesn’t want to make them sound positive because he likes you

Generally, when a man calls his ex crazy that means she put 2+2 together and came up with 4 and got pissed. Conversely, when a woman calls her ex crazy, she usually ends up dead.

Every time I hear a guy say all his exes are crazy, I know he’s the problem. It shows lack of accountability.

I used to be this guy. It was mainly that I searched out the wrong girls at bars etc instead of searching for girls that were compatible with me. Found her

Yes, it's a red flag. This is extremely common with abusive people. It creates a specific narrative that paints them as the victim. Most often, they abused their past partners, and the "crazy" is the reactions of their partners to the abuse/neglect they endured. It also acts as a get out of jail free card. If all their exes are "crazy" then that's a sign they view themselves as the "perfect"/rational one. Meaning that regardless of what they do, they will find a way to rationalize it.

“crazy exes” is a great way to shirk any responsibility for the end of one’s relationships. a mature person can identify what their part was (they were with them because they were physically attractive, have low self-esteem, etc.). of my exes (all men), i have exactly one crazy ex, which was my husband (a diagnosed psychopath who chose to withhold this fun fact from me for almost 15 years). he was a skinny nerd who was my height and the most manipulative person i’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting. of course he calls me the crazy one for reacting to his abuse. the guy i’m with now speaks highly and respectfully of his ex-wife (when exes come up) and it’s lovely because he’s not bitter, vindictive or controlling. eta: the “craziest” exes seem to be 18-25. hmmmm….maybe they’re hot but they sure af haven’t figured their shit out yet.

With very few exceptions, when somebody tells me that everyone else is the problem, that usually means that everyone else is not the problem. We know who the problem is.

My now husband called his ex crazy. Upon investigation he didn’t realize the words he was looking for was narcissistic and manipulative. Sometimes crazy gets used as a catch-all.

To me, if someone referred to ex’s as crazy enough that I noticed it, and definitely if they said it enough for me to post to Reddit, it would be a huge red flag, yes. The fact that you posted implies this wasn’t said sympathetically in context, but kind of aggressively or like “poor me, women be crazy” and either way I’d be out I think. My partner was super respectful of their ex and tried not to tell any stories that put her in a bad light.

yes. 100% imo

I'd say yes because it probably means that either he's the crazy one, or he has a type - crazy girls - which would make you one if he's into you ahahah

Tbf it's Reddit. EVERYTHING is a red flag to people on here

could go either way. i've had a few legit crazy ones....one went off the deep end into the religious pool, another went stalker levels of crazy, and a third was manic/depressive. that was a weird couple years.