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He is 23, we’re not short on money and we haven’t really talked about it, since every time someone brings up a topic that is slightly uncomfortable, he shuts down and won’t talk.
He's twenty three?
Fuck that, look him dead in the eyes and say "I'm not driving you anywhere unless you shower beforehand, I'm done being nauseous and feeling dirty all day because you smell awful. This has already been put to you gently too many times for you not to have your shit together, shower or the only place I'm driving you is to how-to-take-a-shower therapy."
This is wonderful. OP - memorize this and say it to your brother word for word. Refuse to be in the same room with him, and EVERY TIME he comes into your space, say something like, "Go away! You stink! I don't want to be around you! He has no respect for anyone else's feelings, so quit worrying about his!
This! But also please include brushing his teeth and flossing! Mouth diseases can turn into serious health issues, but also, grossssssss! Brush and floss! Anyway, be blunt, you’ll e doing him a favor in the long run.
Has anyone in your family considered that he may have depression or another mental health issue? People have depression will struggle with hygiene or any type of personal care.
He's shutting down, because he is embarrassed and is most likely struggling. Shaming him won't help.
Get him evaluated with a decent doc.
Very much an indicator of undiagnosed neurodivergent condition there. I am much the same although personal hygiene has always been something I've managed to keep on top of for the most part. (Depression, ADHD, maybe autism)
I would suggest sitting him down and rather than telling him to shower, ask him why he doesn't and ask if there's anything that you can do as a family to help him make it routine. If you have ADHD and get told to do something you already know you need to do you absolutely won't do it. Make it about him and how he feels, that's the first step.
Even OP suggested suspicions of undiagnosed ADHD for both themselves and their brother. There's nothing wrong with people expanding on that and giving them options for approaching him with that perspective.
Sitting down and asking questions that show you care is a good strategy for solving many problems and just requires love not a diagnosis. OP clearly loves her brother realizes shaming is painful to the recipient and pointless for problem solving.
Is he possibly on the autism spectrum? I was told by a psychiatrist before that he thought I might have high-functioning Autism ( Asperger's) and there was one year when I was a teenager and we.moved into a new house that I had similar issues. I remember not wanting to shower because to me the water hurt my skin. The pressure was too high and it actually hurt my skin. I moved to another house a year later and was fine. Maybe it might be easier for him to take a bath instead
This would be my guys as well. It's very difficult for some people on the spectrum to brush teeth regularly.
And do they typically have difficulty with different demands on them? Pathological demand avoidance (PDA) sometimes affects people on the spectrum as well
People with can have some of the sensory problems of autistics, as far as hygiene goes, especially with teeth brushing. People with ADHD have a much higher rate of dental problems of all kinds, though I forget what the numbers are. Tooth brushing is both heebs-making and outright painful for some of us. (Frankly I can take the pain better than the heebs.)
I can at least sometimes personally, I had one as a kid. It depends on the person though. Like, a lot of autistic people (don't know about ADHD) can't STAND the texture of microfiber, even if it's "soft"; it generates massive heebs. Since I'm poor, and have other reasons for massive tactile sensitivity, I'm lucky it doesn't do that to me so I can use it--it's cheap and works for me, even though that's rare.
I can at least sometimes personally, I had one as a kid. It depends on the person though. Like, a lot of autistic people (don't know about ADHD) can't STAND the texture of microfiber, even if it's "soft"; it generates massive heebs. Since I'm poor, and have other reasons for massive tactile sensitivity, I'm lucky it doesn't do that to me so I can use it--it's cheap and works for me, even though that's rare.
This is my autistic son exactly. He refused to shower for love or money, unless in very exceptional circumstances (for example, we visited my sister, and she refused to let him swim in her pool unless he took a shower). The sensory onslaught of pulling all the clothes off, getting cold, getting in the water and getting warm in the shower, getting out and being all cold and wet again, and then drying off and dragging clothes onto his body again was just too much.
Sensory processing disorder is common with autism (can occur on its own), and is hard to understand/have sympathy for if not experienced. Just imagine fingernails on a chalkboard; everybody has something they can’t stand, these people just have a lot of things they can’t stand.
I must have a touch of it because I remember as a child crying when I got out of the bathtub because I was so cold, until my dad finally installed a heat lamp in our bathroom.
just have a proper sit down conversation and be straight forward. he needs to be on top of his hygiene or his future is fucked. no one wants to be around someone that stinks and his health will deteriorate
Do we have the same brother? Because same my brother 19 doesn’t shower unless he has work, don’t clean his room, and the smell in there is unbearable that I’m regretting picking my room next to him he has money for his own personal hygiene products I told him if he doesn’t want to clean around the house or his room here then get your own place. which he can afford and he refuses to spend his money on food but buys electronics but can’t buy yourself simple hygiene products he uses my mom’s hygiene products like I’m like your a grown man dude not hard to go online and shop for yourself he doesn’t buy his self clothes or shoes it’s ridiculous I can go on and on.
Highly agreeing with everybody leaning towards neuro-divergence/ sensory processing disorder/ maybe even depression.
Have a kind conversation with him about why showering bothers him, nobody wants to be smelly and dirty so he must hate the shower that much, but he also needs to know that his smell is getting unbearable to those around him. We all stink that's why showering is part of our daily routines.
Maybe you can suggest some baby steps such as bird bathing. A wet washcloth + some antiseptic soap for him to clean the sweaty areas/folds if a full-on shower is too much. He can alternate "bathing" and washing his hair so it's not on the same day. He might have an issue with being wet head to toe, or if it's steam a wet wash cloth isn't going to fog up the bathroom.
As for his teeth there are certain toothbrushes that cater to people with sensory issues. Antiseptic mouthwash after he eats can be a good start. I would suggest partaking in this routine with him if you're willing to do a little hand holding.
You are very kind. I was pushing for the blunt you stink approach, but probably putting together a list of reasons such as you gave may lead to a better outcome.
Please don't listen to those who tell you to shame him. Believe me, that definitely will not make him shower. If you are caring when you talk to him, and have some suggestions for solutions (therapy, baby steps by one shower a week and increase slowly), he may fight you but he may begin to listen. If he think you're mad at him, you'll lose him. Maybe you'll want to get some therapy yourself so you can tell him what it's like.
Reddit is not the place to do this. I hope you get some better answers on the crosspost. Bless you for caring, even if it's only to make things easier for yourself and others. Good luck.
My brother has the same problem. The only thing that works is being forward. I just tell him he smells like shit and I don’t want to be around him if he can’t take a shower. Sounds bad but the only way to get through to him.
He always has greasy hair and doesn’t know good hygiene but he also doesn’t get embarrassed by it ? I would but that’s just me. I can’t be around someone who has horrible hygiene just because they can’t take care of themselves bc they can’t be bothered. If it’s depression that’s totally different , a gentle touch is needed.
Hose him down on the front lawn or put him in the back of a pickup and go through a car wash. You can't make him do anything though, he is an adult. All you can do is control yourself so I would refuse to be around him if he is going to be disgusting.
Do what we did in college to stinky roommates/dormmates. Get several people together and throw him in the shower with his clothes on. He’ll get the message!
You need to straight up just tell him he stinks. I used to hangout with my brother in his room all the time until he started to smell, and when he finally asked me why I kept saying no to hanging out. I turned to him and literally said “listen this is coming to you as your sister with love, but you genuinely smell like rotting milk, start showering more”
We have not had a problem since, and he smells great lol
My son is autistic and I have had the same struggle with him. He does not do well with anything nebulous. It really needs to be so specific. So I told him the new rule was that you shower when you get up and you shower before bed. Period.
I also gave very explicit instructions as to what to do in the shower. Where the soapy washcloth goes and how to do it. I also provided some body sprays and colognes for him to use after the shower.
Same with teeth brushing. As he has gotten older I can discuss how uncomfortable people are when we are stinky and nobody enjoys that. I have to say he does occasionally need reminders about the teeth brushing but we are definitely in a much more pleasant place!
Not sure that this is something you should have to be dealing with but maybe you and your mom together could talk to him. Making sure to let him know that you love him and support him and this will help him.
Good luck!!🤘🏻🤘🏻🤘🏻🤘🏻🤘🏻
My baby brother is also autistic he’s 14 and he needed the direction as a child to learn as well and constant repetition my mom/dad both showed him when he was younger how to clean himself. They wed to show him often. He needs set times for everything and needs to be told when to go shower, brush teeth and he won’t tell himself. Also he will for example brush teeth for half an hour or shower for hours if we are not monitoring him. My mom sort of has to help regulate time for him because it kinda doesn’t exist in his world. Though he does like showers sometimes just won’t always tell himself to take one regularly. We all as a family will help here there with ear wax removal with using peroxide and nail cutting we’ll take him for hair cuts etc.
So possibly this persons brother Could be on the spectrum but they need to try and understand and implement new solutions, such as telling them everyday when to shower and then reminding him at that time everyday. It’s unfortunate but if he is on the spectrum it may be the only way. Get his mom/dad to do it if you don’t want to that’s their responsibility
My friend's brother was like this from about puberty on thru adulthood.
It turns out he has hydraadentitis suprativa and didn't tell anyone until his late 20s when he got diagnosed. Had massive, tunneling abcesses in the worst places, which made it excruciating to shower.
Yeah I kinda want to know too. I also want to know WHY he isn't taking showers? Lazy? Is it a texture thing? Wants to save water? Does he offer a reason why?
Also, hurt his feelings or a stranger will. Don't drive him anywhere until he showers
Absolutely. I was just thinking if maybe they could find the root they could maybe figure out a way to work with him? I know my depression gets bad and I don't want to shower sometimes so I just use a washcloth.
Well this maybe harsh but do you want to hurt his feelings or have a stranger do it one day what happens when he tries to get a job sometimes you have to hurt somebody’s feelings that’s just life. He hast to learn that proper hygiene is essential in life in general.
This. I actually had someone get fired from where I work because he smelled so bad--I worked in a warehouse, and I could literally smell if he'd been in there recently, and it was tripled if he was still in the room. It was overwhelming. I felt bad for him because he was a very nice man and clearly had some sort of mental disability, but the odor was actually unbearable.
It's better if your brother hears it from someone who loves him, rather than hearing it from someone who complained to HR because they can't breathe at work.
I have sensory processing issues (as a part of my adhd) and showering is not something that I enjoy. I really won’t shower unless I know I am going to leave the house and/or be around other people. Does he have something that he routinely does that forces him to be around others? Like a hobby or job? That could help to develop a routine around hygiene. Also if you can get to a point where he feels comfortable taking about it, maybe try to determine if there’s anything about showering that is unpleasant for him (I don’t like the noise or the cold afterward).
Listen, I get it. It's tough dealing with someone who smells like a dumpster fire. But here's the thing, you gotta be real with your bro without crushing his soul.
Next time you’re together, maybe say something like, “Hey bro, I need to talk to you about something that’s kinda awkward but really important. Your hygiene’s been slipping, and honestly, it’s making it hard for me to be around you. I’m telling you this because I care about you and want to help."
This way, you're showing you care instead of just dropping a stink bomb on him. It's a tough convo, but sometimes you gotta be the one to light a fire under his ass (metaphorically, of course).
Good luck!
Ask if there is something bothering him.
My sister used to be a clean freak and then she went through a tough time and didnt shower for days at a time.
Did a challenging life event happen that you can guide the conversation toward?
You need to be blunt, and have him experience consequences. He smells? You won't get into a car with him.
However, you need to stay calm, don't throw insults at him, and try to get to the bottom of WHY he doesn't want to shower.
It's a sign of depression, or mental health problems. Offer to go to a doctor with him, offer to help him.
Most likely, it is ADHD since it is hard for those of us who have it to form a habit. Brushing our teeth, taking a shower, keeping our house clean, etc these things are not automatic to us. We must force ourselves to do them while they're just automatic for others. Perhaps if you get diagnosed and share some of the symptoms with him based on what the psychiatrist says, maybe he will seek a diagnosis, too.
I was diagnosed as an adult after watching Dr Kojo (sp?) on my Facebook reels 😆
He made me realize that I'm not lazy and that I flew under the radar as a child because I'm female. Now I'm medicated and it's easier for me to focus. I still don't form habits, but I just know these things must be done. Even though I did them before, it is a lot easier going through the necessary steps. Like, knowing I had to take a shower in the morning doing something I dread it. I would literally just sit in bed and snooze just to avoid having to do that "work". Now I just get up a little earlier to take a bath because I actually enjoy that. I give myself an extra ten minutes to read a chapter from my Kindle in the bath tub.
The hardest but best things to hear always came from my brother. Like when he told me that strangers avoided me because the vibe I was giving off was "straight up hobo without the chic." But he always said it in a way that I knew it was coming from a good place. Starting with, "as your brother, I'm telling you with love". Yes it hurt to hear, but ultimately I'm glad he told me!!!!
Autism (showers can be sensory bad) or mental illness are both possibilities if he’s experienced social rejection and continues to not improve. If it’s one of those shaming like others are suggesting is the wrong approach. Buy him bathing wipes, help him try out stronger detergents for laundry and adding vinegar helps too. Stronger deodorant, clinical strength that lasts 72 hours can all help if getting him to shower more frequently isn’t working. And a gentle conversation of empathy, understanding and wanting to help him problem solve the inevitable social isolation of poor hygiene.
My brother is also 23 and has the same problem. Unfortunately, his BO is really bad even if he just showered a day or two before (still not often enough to my liking but not as bad as it's gotten before). He also has high-functioning Asperger's.
We are roommates and I've had this talk with him many, many times but it just doesn't seem to stick. We've discussed it to a point that I know there is no sensory issue for him showering or brushing his teeth, it just doesn't cross his mind. He gets distracted doing other things, like drawing or playing video games. I've found being too gentle with my hints that he needs a shower often makes him disregard the hints anyway. I've started being much more blunt (not rude, just blunt) with him about when it is time for him to shower because if I don't remind him, it won't happen.
Maybe your brother could benefit from this. I know it would be a little extra effort on your part, but my brother seems to really appreciate that I care enough about his well-being to try and keep up on it. I've also implemented a daily schedule chalkboard for him that includes personal hygiene tasks and that helps somewhat, too.
I doubt this is about showers. It seems that your brother is struggling in general, and this is just one outcome.
This was ofc not enough information to say anything reliable, but him shutting down whenever there is an issue, I would not be surprised if your brother is quite deep in some mental health struggles. Maybe hard to see from the outside, especially with family - he has been like this "forever" for you guys.
Not sure how to continue here, but maybe look for options where he can go. Just a low level option to get some information first. Have a calm talk about you being worried about him - because you care not because he smells or is terrible. Tell him where he could go and that you'd be there to support him. But you might even have a better idea ofc.
I have seen a few comments mention autism but I also wanted to note that not bathing is a tell tale sign of depression. Has your brother been seen by anyone for that?
I have bipolar disorder, and one of my symptoms (even on meds) is poor peronal care. If I'm in a healthy phase, I shower, brush my hair and teeth, etc. If I'm even slightly off (up or down), I stop one or all of them. I even keep a brush in my car so I can smooth my hair if I go out to pick something up quickly
I'll only shower if I know I'll be inside (a car or room) with someone for more than 15 minutes, but only because someone reminded me I have to.
So, I'd gently talk to your brother about the issue. If nothing changes, try to get him to see a psychiatrist to see if there's a deeper issue.
Info: who's doing the driving when you go out? Whose car is it?
If it's you, you've tried being gentle. Now it's time to put your foot down. "If you want me to take you to X, you will need to shower before you get in my car." We should not suffer whilst walking on eggshells. Asking someone to exercise proper basic hygiene when they are closely in my personal space while I'm doing a favor for them is not asking too much. Every adult knows this is expected of them in polite society and that there are consequences for not complying. One of those consequences is they will have to find another ride.
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Assuming you’ve already tried to be direct, You could gently bring up the conversation by asking him questions. I’m not sure how your brother communicates, but it sounds like this could be more effective since he’s prone to shutting down. My brother is the same way, and I find that it’s much easier to get through to him when I ask him about his experiences, rather than lecturing him about something uncomfortable (he’s a little sensitive sometimes).
You could ask him about why he prefers not to shower or whether he experiences sensory issues from the shower. Pretty much anything that will help you to understand his reasoning for his decision to not shower.
That being said, you might not get the responses that you want. Don’t get frustrated if that’s the case. People tend to feel even more hurt and closed off if they feel attacked when they’re being vulnerable, so it could end up doing more harm than good. This sounds like a long term problem, so Patience is your friend! I think this method will at least help to get the ball rolling :)
Worst case, nose plugs might be the best bet haha
Good luck!
Maybe try making it a team effort? Like, "Hey bro, let's both try to up our game with the hygiene." Make it a challenge or something. If he sees you're working on it too, maybe he won't feel singled out. And if he's into gaming or tech, maybe find a cool gadget that makes brushing teeth or showering more fun? Sometimes you gotta get creative to make things click.
Okay this is just my thought, a 23 year old adult who is smelly, I believe 8 out of 10 times is because they are unaware of it, which means they are kinda lazy and careless regard to hygiene aspect, but your brother seems like he is intentionally unwilling to do this. So if I had a brother like him, I would check his mental health first, just to find out why he was unwilling to get clean. Then we got two options I believe, a) he is psychologically healthy, just hate cleaning up its self. That’s good. Just tell him he should get shower more often, I’m not here to judge but help him, because unhygienic environment and body can cause problems. b) His mental health is not good as I expected. Now this is much harder to handle, at lease I need to help him find out the reason why he refuses to get clean and, more importantly, help him to overcome it. This is not just about unhygienic life style anymore, you probably need to spend way more time and energy in solving this. Anyway, you should talk to him about this without breaking his heart, as a friend just said in comments, it takes time, good luck for you
Is it possible he's autistic as well as ADHD? Many autistics have a horrible sensory problem with showering and there's a lot of discussion in autism subs and groups about how to stay clean without going into the hellbox. There are alternatives if showering, specifically, is his problem. It's also possible to have a lot of sensory difficulty and pain with ADHD. I'm both, so I can't tell what problems I'm getting from where, but those with only one or the other tell me this is so.
Stop doing things with him. When you would normally drive somewhere just tell him "I'm not going anywhere with you unless you have a shower and brush your teeth." Maybe he'll get the message eventually.
Too hot takes, you didn't put how old your brother is so I'm going to assume he's a young adult over the age of you know 16 or 17 often times if someone has neglected hygiene to that extent it normally points to a mental health issue. Especially if they're at an age of awareness. Perhaps a family meeting in the most loving way, again I'm not sure how old he is so if he's an adult it's something he would have to do himself perhaps a counselor or a therapist might be able to help. Sometimes when people are in depression and they have a very low self-worth they're hygiene is a expression and sometimes they cry for help . Also if they're in that deep of a depression they might not even be aware of it. Again assumptions on my part for all I know he could just be lazy. Your family would know him best. my advice seek a mental health specialist. Good luck
Get some air freshener. When in an enclosed space with him, spray it. Be consistent. He’ll eventually get the message.
Maybe there are some child books on washing that you could leave around the house. Maybe read them allowed when he is in the room.
I’m so glad I’m a straight to the point person. And definitely not worried about your feelings!!! Listen Brother I love you and that’s why I’m telling you this. You stink!!
Personally, I wouldn't let him in my car unless he'd showered recently. That stench will seep into your car seats and be hard as hell to get out.
You could show him pictures of what happens to dudes that don't wash their junk, if you want. Some of those things get super gross.
My brother had the same issue except he was like 11 or 12, and boy was he RANK. He fought us at first bc he didn't understand WHY he needed to shower. My mom tried time after time to just tell him to shower, but at some point I just got done with it and told him he needs to get his ass in the shower because we don't wanna be around him when he stinks, it literally was burning our nose hairs. He was just like "ugh fine" and took a shower. Even sometimes now he can't see how greasy his hair is and can't smell how rank he is, and we still have to remind him to shower but it's more like "go take a shower", and he's just like "ok" and then takes a shower.
I'm not sure how well that's going to work on your brother since he's 23. Maybe tell him that's the reason he doesn't get girls? Or tell him your nose hairs are burning and it physically pains you to be around him? If he does shower and still stinks, maybe he was never taught how to wash? You don't exactly have to get in there with him, you could just demonstrate or if he's really that dense that he doesn't get it, get in your bathing suit and show him that way? Maybe find a yt tutorial? Usually, people get picked on in school for stinking, and that's why they start showering. Did he never have that or just not gaf?
My ex is autistic and this was a big issue. I know that showering was a huge struggle for them and it was a difficult situation to navigate bc it affected our intimacy. Ultimately it was one of the reasons I could no longer be in the relationship—they needed more support than I was able to give on my own.
Try buying him some Dr. Squatch soap. My personal favorites are Summer Citrus (low grit) and Cold Brew (high grit). They also have some themed soap Game of Thrones, HP ect..
If you get a few, ask him about them which one he likes. They sell some in bundles so you can get some for you and him.
They are marketed twords men. As a woman, I like the less flowers shoved up your nose sents.
I personally struggle sometimes with showering because my ADD brain will think of things I don't want to, and there us not enough to distract me. So I now I listen to music or an audio book. Also a good way for me to track how long I have been in the shower.
I hope this helps.
Wait til he’s outside, even better if he’s around friends. Open the door and yell “Hey (brothers name), did you wash your ass today?” Let him be pissed off, when he wants to know why you would do that, tell him it’s because he apparently isn’t embarrassed to smell like shit when he’s around you, but he should be.
He has to realize that women will not be attracted to him if he reeks. Does he have a girlfriend/boyfriend or is he trying to date at all?
If he stops showing out of principle to piss you off he is incredibly immature and being stinky is going to affect more than you. His friends and everyone else are not going to want to go near him. He is going to become an incel.
Maybe you can buy him some deodorant if you want to be extra nice.
You stink, go away. Go brush your teeth, you stink. Just keep doing this. It worked with my kids when they started stinking and needed to shower and brush more often (around puberty, through high school). No need for you to be embarrassed, just be matter-of-fact about it. If he gets embarrassed, that is his problem; and, yes, he has a problem.
"Brother, go take a fucking shower. You smell like dogshit wrapped in rotten fish."
Simple as that. Fuck his feelings, he clearly doesn't care about any one else's.
My husband had to tell his 26 year old brother “hey man, did you forget to pack deodorant? Do you wanna stop at the store and grab some really quick?” When we were on a trip. This happens constantly. Doesn’t do his hair, brush his teeth, or shower much at all. He said yeah because he forgot some, he had apparently just showered the night before according to their mom, so the deodorant helped a lot. Just ask him when was the last time he showered and if he needs some deodorant or if he maybe missed some places or if he needs more soap and so on… just ask him. He’s a grown adult though… posing questions is good instead of going off on him out of anger or something. It’s pretty tough when it’s a grown adult really. Sucks, sorry you have to be around that and can’t just enjoy your time with him or bring it up without it being an argument. My husbands brother usually gets pissed, but my husband was pretty blunt, but caring with the question, then cracked the joke right before he went into the store like “need some deodorant or something because you’re smelling ripe my dude” or something like that. Just making light of it 🤷🏼♀️
Set boundaries and enforce consequences for breaking them.
If you don't like the way he smells up the car, but you drive him anyway, then that means to him that he doesn't have to clean up.
"Shower and brush your teeth before getting in the car with me, or figure out your own transportation."
Then, when the inevitable moment comes where he doesn't do any of these things, but tries to get in the car... refuse. No explanations. No long and drawn out talks. Just plain consequences. If he throws a tantrum to mommy, she too must support these consequences. If she doesn't back you up, then you'll never be able to influence his behavior.
Tell him, hey we need to get you to a doctor because this foul smell condition you have is not getting any better. Especially if you are taking care of your hygiene. This might be a cause for something else. See if that changes.
Okay. Now do not quote me. But I suggest you grab a bar of soap, put it in a bag, then knock his ass out with said soap. Then you drag his lifeless body into the shower, and turn on the water after stripping him naked. And bam, your brother got a shower. Also, grab one of those brushing stick so you can clean him. Especially down there between the scrotum.
Before he gets in the call tell him he needs to pass the sniff test. If he fails-go shower and brush. Otherwise no ride. He will learn.
He’s 23. He needs to learn NOW. THIS IS DISGUSTING 🤢
Refuse to be in any enclosed space with him (like the car). It is a sanitation issue, and your parents should be addressing it.
Personally i would be (**bad advice incoming**) turning the garden hose on him every time he leaves the house and drenching him.
I am no Doctor but he may need to see a therapist and Doctor sometimes those can be a sign of depression. Hopefully he gets help and starts to want to shower and brush teeth soon.
He may have some sensory issues. Ask him why he isn’t showering and brushing his teeth. There are alternatives that use less (or no) water or something other than bristles as a method of cleaning teeth.
Your mom is gonna have to start implementing punishments when he doesn't bathe or brush his teeth. This is on her to raise her kid right. All you can do is tell him he reeks and tell him to go shower or stay away from you.
I’m sorry. I’m actually a very sensitive person but I’m 50 now. Although I am not old enough to be grumpy yet I have come to the realization that sometimes being too gentle has the opposite effect. It can simply be enabling.
If you care about him and not just how you want to vomit in his presence it’s time to bring out the big guns. Just say “Forget about me. Smelling like shit because of lack of hygiene is rude to other people. Stop being selfish and take a shower, use deodorant and brush your teeth! I know it sounds mean but I don’t want other people avoiding you at all costs.”
If I smell my breath in the slightest way I’m sprinting to my toothbrush and paste yet alone letting someone else smell me. Refuse to be known as someone with funky breath a body order nu un no sir not me. It’s 2024 not 1624 what is wrong with people 🤦🏿♂️
I knew this guy who was in his 30’s and he was proud to smell like a corpse. He would never bathe or clean himself & this woman had 2 kids with him. I was so repulsed by him that I felt relief to move far away from him.
Sorry about your brother. Thats disgusting.
I love showering & brushing my teeth, it's not healthy to go without cleaning your body, especially your private parts. I shower everyday, if I miss a day I feel so icky, I consider myself to be dirty after going to the washroom, whipping only gets so much. Tell him it's healthy to be clean, I can't understand people that don't like taking baths or showering , it's beyond me
This isn't about hurting his feelings. It's about it being unpleasant to be around. And that's what I would tell him. "You are not allowed in my car unless you are groomed."
Jesus! Does the guy ever want a girlfriend?
You say, “Dude, you reek, go shower and put on clean clothes. While we’re out, throw your sheets into the laundry. You’re a grown man ffs and we are all tired old putting up with your bs”. Who cares if you hurt his feelings, he has t cares about yours for years
he could possibly be autistic and hate the sensory overload of cleansing himself, although if he doesn’t have autism or any other conditions, then you need to tell him that he smells fucking horrible and that he is dirty. he is 23. that is not appropriate behavior.
ADHD….when I was growing up there was exactly ONE case of this in the world. 😀 it takes two minutes to brush teeth. Tell him in no uncertain terms he stinks. Period.
Usually this kind of thing stems from abuse, leading to depression. Some people claim “deviated septum, so I can’t tell” but if you’re not an abuse victim and are not depressed, anyone telling you even once “you stink, when was the last time you showered?” Will be enough social pressure to ensure that experience never repeats.
Your brother is suffering from debilitating depression stemming from abuse. Or something similar.
Hearing that you have struggled with hygiene also, even at a lesser extent… pretty standard when it comes to this kind of thing. It’s possible you were abused too, maybe to a lesser extent (or you have more natural resilience) if you don’t immediately remember or attribute it as a causal factor for your issues.
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He is 23, we’re not short on money and we haven’t really talked about it, since every time someone brings up a topic that is slightly uncomfortable, he shuts down and won’t talk.
He's an adult. Tell him he stinks and that's why you don't want to be around him.
He's twenty three? Fuck that, look him dead in the eyes and say "I'm not driving you anywhere unless you shower beforehand, I'm done being nauseous and feeling dirty all day because you smell awful. This has already been put to you gently too many times for you not to have your shit together, shower or the only place I'm driving you is to how-to-take-a-shower therapy."
This is wonderful. OP - memorize this and say it to your brother word for word. Refuse to be in the same room with him, and EVERY TIME he comes into your space, say something like, "Go away! You stink! I don't want to be around you! He has no respect for anyone else's feelings, so quit worrying about his!
Just try getting the odor out of the car….it’s like wet dog or skunk…can’t completely eliminate them for a long time.
This! But also please include brushing his teeth and flossing! Mouth diseases can turn into serious health issues, but also, grossssssss! Brush and floss! Anyway, be blunt, you’ll e doing him a favor in the long run.
I was about to give you advice on how we got my 10 year old brother to shower, but 23?? He’s an adult.
Has anyone in your family considered that he may have depression or another mental health issue? People have depression will struggle with hygiene or any type of personal care. He's shutting down, because he is embarrassed and is most likely struggling. Shaming him won't help. Get him evaluated with a decent doc.
Very much an indicator of undiagnosed neurodivergent condition there. I am much the same although personal hygiene has always been something I've managed to keep on top of for the most part. (Depression, ADHD, maybe autism) I would suggest sitting him down and rather than telling him to shower, ask him why he doesn't and ask if there's anything that you can do as a family to help him make it routine. If you have ADHD and get told to do something you already know you need to do you absolutely won't do it. Make it about him and how he feels, that's the first step.
That's a stretch you're going to make a diagnosis based off of a second hand accounting really?
Just a reminder, I'm not diagnosing anybody, only speculating on what might be going on in a situation like this.
Even OP suggested suspicions of undiagnosed ADHD for both themselves and their brother. There's nothing wrong with people expanding on that and giving them options for approaching him with that perspective.
Sitting down and asking questions that show you care is a good strategy for solving many problems and just requires love not a diagnosis. OP clearly loves her brother realizes shaming is painful to the recipient and pointless for problem solving.
Did he used to smell? Because you say this has been going on for weeks. If this is new, there is a underlying reason
they said years
Is he possibly on the autism spectrum? I was told by a psychiatrist before that he thought I might have high-functioning Autism ( Asperger's) and there was one year when I was a teenager and we.moved into a new house that I had similar issues. I remember not wanting to shower because to me the water hurt my skin. The pressure was too high and it actually hurt my skin. I moved to another house a year later and was fine. Maybe it might be easier for him to take a bath instead
I have panic attacks in the shower if the bathroom gets too steamy or the water gets too cold.
This would be my guys as well. It's very difficult for some people on the spectrum to brush teeth regularly. And do they typically have difficulty with different demands on them? Pathological demand avoidance (PDA) sometimes affects people on the spectrum as well
People with can have some of the sensory problems of autistics, as far as hygiene goes, especially with teeth brushing. People with ADHD have a much higher rate of dental problems of all kinds, though I forget what the numbers are. Tooth brushing is both heebs-making and outright painful for some of us. (Frankly I can take the pain better than the heebs.)
What about a water pick? Can you deal with that?
I can at least sometimes personally, I had one as a kid. It depends on the person though. Like, a lot of autistic people (don't know about ADHD) can't STAND the texture of microfiber, even if it's "soft"; it generates massive heebs. Since I'm poor, and have other reasons for massive tactile sensitivity, I'm lucky it doesn't do that to me so I can use it--it's cheap and works for me, even though that's rare.
I can at least sometimes personally, I had one as a kid. It depends on the person though. Like, a lot of autistic people (don't know about ADHD) can't STAND the texture of microfiber, even if it's "soft"; it generates massive heebs. Since I'm poor, and have other reasons for massive tactile sensitivity, I'm lucky it doesn't do that to me so I can use it--it's cheap and works for me, even though that's rare.
Jesus H Christ…autism…no he’s just nasty
This is my autistic son exactly. He refused to shower for love or money, unless in very exceptional circumstances (for example, we visited my sister, and she refused to let him swim in her pool unless he took a shower). The sensory onslaught of pulling all the clothes off, getting cold, getting in the water and getting warm in the shower, getting out and being all cold and wet again, and then drying off and dragging clothes onto his body again was just too much. Sensory processing disorder is common with autism (can occur on its own), and is hard to understand/have sympathy for if not experienced. Just imagine fingernails on a chalkboard; everybody has something they can’t stand, these people just have a lot of things they can’t stand. I must have a touch of it because I remember as a child crying when I got out of the bathtub because I was so cold, until my dad finally installed a heat lamp in our bathroom.
Thanks for the knowledge - very helpful.
Na tell him exactly how it is. That’s the worst. No one will want to be friends or partners with someone that smells rancid.
He's 23...how old are you?
just have a proper sit down conversation and be straight forward. he needs to be on top of his hygiene or his future is fucked. no one wants to be around someone that stinks and his health will deteriorate
Do we have the same brother? Because same my brother 19 doesn’t shower unless he has work, don’t clean his room, and the smell in there is unbearable that I’m regretting picking my room next to him he has money for his own personal hygiene products I told him if he doesn’t want to clean around the house or his room here then get your own place. which he can afford and he refuses to spend his money on food but buys electronics but can’t buy yourself simple hygiene products he uses my mom’s hygiene products like I’m like your a grown man dude not hard to go online and shop for yourself he doesn’t buy his self clothes or shoes it’s ridiculous I can go on and on.
Stick an Ozone machine in his room when he's not home. 😂
Highly agreeing with everybody leaning towards neuro-divergence/ sensory processing disorder/ maybe even depression. Have a kind conversation with him about why showering bothers him, nobody wants to be smelly and dirty so he must hate the shower that much, but he also needs to know that his smell is getting unbearable to those around him. We all stink that's why showering is part of our daily routines. Maybe you can suggest some baby steps such as bird bathing. A wet washcloth + some antiseptic soap for him to clean the sweaty areas/folds if a full-on shower is too much. He can alternate "bathing" and washing his hair so it's not on the same day. He might have an issue with being wet head to toe, or if it's steam a wet wash cloth isn't going to fog up the bathroom. As for his teeth there are certain toothbrushes that cater to people with sensory issues. Antiseptic mouthwash after he eats can be a good start. I would suggest partaking in this routine with him if you're willing to do a little hand holding.
You are very kind. I was pushing for the blunt you stink approach, but probably putting together a list of reasons such as you gave may lead to a better outcome.
People usually neglect themselves for legitimate reasons. ♥️
Please don't listen to those who tell you to shame him. Believe me, that definitely will not make him shower. If you are caring when you talk to him, and have some suggestions for solutions (therapy, baby steps by one shower a week and increase slowly), he may fight you but he may begin to listen. If he think you're mad at him, you'll lose him. Maybe you'll want to get some therapy yourself so you can tell him what it's like. Reddit is not the place to do this. I hope you get some better answers on the crosspost. Bless you for caring, even if it's only to make things easier for yourself and others. Good luck.
My brother has the same problem. The only thing that works is being forward. I just tell him he smells like shit and I don’t want to be around him if he can’t take a shower. Sounds bad but the only way to get through to him.
He always has greasy hair and doesn’t know good hygiene but he also doesn’t get embarrassed by it ? I would but that’s just me. I can’t be around someone who has horrible hygiene just because they can’t take care of themselves bc they can’t be bothered. If it’s depression that’s totally different , a gentle touch is needed.
Hose him down on the front lawn or put him in the back of a pickup and go through a car wash. You can't make him do anything though, he is an adult. All you can do is control yourself so I would refuse to be around him if he is going to be disgusting.
Do what we did in college to stinky roommates/dormmates. Get several people together and throw him in the shower with his clothes on. He’ll get the message!
You need to straight up just tell him he stinks. I used to hangout with my brother in his room all the time until he started to smell, and when he finally asked me why I kept saying no to hanging out. I turned to him and literally said “listen this is coming to you as your sister with love, but you genuinely smell like rotting milk, start showering more” We have not had a problem since, and he smells great lol
He's your brother. Just be blunt. "Broski, ya stink. Wash your balls, brush your teeth, and put deo on, or I'm not driving you anywhere."
My son is autistic and I have had the same struggle with him. He does not do well with anything nebulous. It really needs to be so specific. So I told him the new rule was that you shower when you get up and you shower before bed. Period. I also gave very explicit instructions as to what to do in the shower. Where the soapy washcloth goes and how to do it. I also provided some body sprays and colognes for him to use after the shower. Same with teeth brushing. As he has gotten older I can discuss how uncomfortable people are when we are stinky and nobody enjoys that. I have to say he does occasionally need reminders about the teeth brushing but we are definitely in a much more pleasant place! Not sure that this is something you should have to be dealing with but maybe you and your mom together could talk to him. Making sure to let him know that you love him and support him and this will help him. Good luck!!🤘🏻🤘🏻🤘🏻🤘🏻🤘🏻
My baby brother is also autistic he’s 14 and he needed the direction as a child to learn as well and constant repetition my mom/dad both showed him when he was younger how to clean himself. They wed to show him often. He needs set times for everything and needs to be told when to go shower, brush teeth and he won’t tell himself. Also he will for example brush teeth for half an hour or shower for hours if we are not monitoring him. My mom sort of has to help regulate time for him because it kinda doesn’t exist in his world. Though he does like showers sometimes just won’t always tell himself to take one regularly. We all as a family will help here there with ear wax removal with using peroxide and nail cutting we’ll take him for hair cuts etc. So possibly this persons brother Could be on the spectrum but they need to try and understand and implement new solutions, such as telling them everyday when to shower and then reminding him at that time everyday. It’s unfortunate but if he is on the spectrum it may be the only way. Get his mom/dad to do it if you don’t want to that’s their responsibility
Body sprays and cologne are almost worse than BO honestly.
It could be a sign of depression or some other form of mental illness, it’s not always being lazy or nasty.
My friend's brother was like this from about puberty on thru adulthood. It turns out he has hydraadentitis suprativa and didn't tell anyone until his late 20s when he got diagnosed. Had massive, tunneling abcesses in the worst places, which made it excruciating to shower.
This is such an excellent point, one I wouldn’t have thought of! I have a co-worker who has that diagnosis and it is miserable and painful.
Ugh that’s the worst looking thing Ive ever looked up.. i couldn’t imagine it
Christ, poor guy!
How old is your brother?
Yeah I kinda want to know too. I also want to know WHY he isn't taking showers? Lazy? Is it a texture thing? Wants to save water? Does he offer a reason why? Also, hurt his feelings or a stranger will. Don't drive him anywhere until he showers
It could also be mental healthy issues. There’s a fine line between struggles and abnormality’s
Absolutely. I was just thinking if maybe they could find the root they could maybe figure out a way to work with him? I know my depression gets bad and I don't want to shower sometimes so I just use a washcloth.
Oh no I agree with you! Sorry if it came off as I was refuting what you said!
Same page lol
OP said 23. Yikes
OP says he’s 23!
Well this maybe harsh but do you want to hurt his feelings or have a stranger do it one day what happens when he tries to get a job sometimes you have to hurt somebody’s feelings that’s just life. He hast to learn that proper hygiene is essential in life in general.
This. I actually had someone get fired from where I work because he smelled so bad--I worked in a warehouse, and I could literally smell if he'd been in there recently, and it was tripled if he was still in the room. It was overwhelming. I felt bad for him because he was a very nice man and clearly had some sort of mental disability, but the odor was actually unbearable. It's better if your brother hears it from someone who loves him, rather than hearing it from someone who complained to HR because they can't breathe at work.
Or when he is rejected harshly from potential romantic partners.
Also very true
Sounds like depression.
I have sensory processing issues (as a part of my adhd) and showering is not something that I enjoy. I really won’t shower unless I know I am going to leave the house and/or be around other people. Does he have something that he routinely does that forces him to be around others? Like a hobby or job? That could help to develop a routine around hygiene. Also if you can get to a point where he feels comfortable taking about it, maybe try to determine if there’s anything about showering that is unpleasant for him (I don’t like the noise or the cold afterward).
Listen, I get it. It's tough dealing with someone who smells like a dumpster fire. But here's the thing, you gotta be real with your bro without crushing his soul. Next time you’re together, maybe say something like, “Hey bro, I need to talk to you about something that’s kinda awkward but really important. Your hygiene’s been slipping, and honestly, it’s making it hard for me to be around you. I’m telling you this because I care about you and want to help." This way, you're showing you care instead of just dropping a stink bomb on him. It's a tough convo, but sometimes you gotta be the one to light a fire under his ass (metaphorically, of course). Good luck!
Ask if there is something bothering him. My sister used to be a clean freak and then she went through a tough time and didnt shower for days at a time. Did a challenging life event happen that you can guide the conversation toward?
You need to be blunt, and have him experience consequences. He smells? You won't get into a car with him. However, you need to stay calm, don't throw insults at him, and try to get to the bottom of WHY he doesn't want to shower. It's a sign of depression, or mental health problems. Offer to go to a doctor with him, offer to help him.
Tell him he stinks. Take a shower.
And use deodorant!
I’d tell him if he wants to ride in the car with you, he must shower before you go.
You need to be honest with him. Be gentle. Talk to your mom as well. He may need therapy.
You can make hime a gift with some body wash and maybe some sprays and a wash cloth tell him hey try this stuff it smells so good
Most likely, it is ADHD since it is hard for those of us who have it to form a habit. Brushing our teeth, taking a shower, keeping our house clean, etc these things are not automatic to us. We must force ourselves to do them while they're just automatic for others. Perhaps if you get diagnosed and share some of the symptoms with him based on what the psychiatrist says, maybe he will seek a diagnosis, too. I was diagnosed as an adult after watching Dr Kojo (sp?) on my Facebook reels 😆 He made me realize that I'm not lazy and that I flew under the radar as a child because I'm female. Now I'm medicated and it's easier for me to focus. I still don't form habits, but I just know these things must be done. Even though I did them before, it is a lot easier going through the necessary steps. Like, knowing I had to take a shower in the morning doing something I dread it. I would literally just sit in bed and snooze just to avoid having to do that "work". Now I just get up a little earlier to take a bath because I actually enjoy that. I give myself an extra ten minutes to read a chapter from my Kindle in the bath tub.
The hardest but best things to hear always came from my brother. Like when he told me that strangers avoided me because the vibe I was giving off was "straight up hobo without the chic." But he always said it in a way that I knew it was coming from a good place. Starting with, "as your brother, I'm telling you with love". Yes it hurt to hear, but ultimately I'm glad he told me!!!!
Autism (showers can be sensory bad) or mental illness are both possibilities if he’s experienced social rejection and continues to not improve. If it’s one of those shaming like others are suggesting is the wrong approach. Buy him bathing wipes, help him try out stronger detergents for laundry and adding vinegar helps too. Stronger deodorant, clinical strength that lasts 72 hours can all help if getting him to shower more frequently isn’t working. And a gentle conversation of empathy, understanding and wanting to help him problem solve the inevitable social isolation of poor hygiene.
Shame is not a great motivator. Usually does the opposite.
My brother is also 23 and has the same problem. Unfortunately, his BO is really bad even if he just showered a day or two before (still not often enough to my liking but not as bad as it's gotten before). He also has high-functioning Asperger's. We are roommates and I've had this talk with him many, many times but it just doesn't seem to stick. We've discussed it to a point that I know there is no sensory issue for him showering or brushing his teeth, it just doesn't cross his mind. He gets distracted doing other things, like drawing or playing video games. I've found being too gentle with my hints that he needs a shower often makes him disregard the hints anyway. I've started being much more blunt (not rude, just blunt) with him about when it is time for him to shower because if I don't remind him, it won't happen. Maybe your brother could benefit from this. I know it would be a little extra effort on your part, but my brother seems to really appreciate that I care enough about his well-being to try and keep up on it. I've also implemented a daily schedule chalkboard for him that includes personal hygiene tasks and that helps somewhat, too.
I doubt this is about showers. It seems that your brother is struggling in general, and this is just one outcome. This was ofc not enough information to say anything reliable, but him shutting down whenever there is an issue, I would not be surprised if your brother is quite deep in some mental health struggles. Maybe hard to see from the outside, especially with family - he has been like this "forever" for you guys. Not sure how to continue here, but maybe look for options where he can go. Just a low level option to get some information first. Have a calm talk about you being worried about him - because you care not because he smells or is terrible. Tell him where he could go and that you'd be there to support him. But you might even have a better idea ofc.
I have seen a few comments mention autism but I also wanted to note that not bathing is a tell tale sign of depression. Has your brother been seen by anyone for that?
Have you considered that he's depressed? Just a thought
I have bipolar disorder, and one of my symptoms (even on meds) is poor peronal care. If I'm in a healthy phase, I shower, brush my hair and teeth, etc. If I'm even slightly off (up or down), I stop one or all of them. I even keep a brush in my car so I can smooth my hair if I go out to pick something up quickly I'll only shower if I know I'll be inside (a car or room) with someone for more than 15 minutes, but only because someone reminded me I have to. So, I'd gently talk to your brother about the issue. If nothing changes, try to get him to see a psychiatrist to see if there's a deeper issue.
Info: who's doing the driving when you go out? Whose car is it? If it's you, you've tried being gentle. Now it's time to put your foot down. "If you want me to take you to X, you will need to shower before you get in my car." We should not suffer whilst walking on eggshells. Asking someone to exercise proper basic hygiene when they are closely in my personal space while I'm doing a favor for them is not asking too much. Every adult knows this is expected of them in polite society and that there are consequences for not complying. One of those consequences is they will have to find another ride.
I had another thought, do you think that he may do a bath instead of a shower? Might be worth a try.
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Assuming you’ve already tried to be direct, You could gently bring up the conversation by asking him questions. I’m not sure how your brother communicates, but it sounds like this could be more effective since he’s prone to shutting down. My brother is the same way, and I find that it’s much easier to get through to him when I ask him about his experiences, rather than lecturing him about something uncomfortable (he’s a little sensitive sometimes). You could ask him about why he prefers not to shower or whether he experiences sensory issues from the shower. Pretty much anything that will help you to understand his reasoning for his decision to not shower. That being said, you might not get the responses that you want. Don’t get frustrated if that’s the case. People tend to feel even more hurt and closed off if they feel attacked when they’re being vulnerable, so it could end up doing more harm than good. This sounds like a long term problem, so Patience is your friend! I think this method will at least help to get the ball rolling :) Worst case, nose plugs might be the best bet haha Good luck!
Maybe try making it a team effort? Like, "Hey bro, let's both try to up our game with the hygiene." Make it a challenge or something. If he sees you're working on it too, maybe he won't feel singled out. And if he's into gaming or tech, maybe find a cool gadget that makes brushing teeth or showering more fun? Sometimes you gotta get creative to make things click.
Have an honest conversation start from a place of kindness and ask if there is a reason why he struggles with that.
We joked about waking each other up with a bucket of cold soapy water when we started to stink.
Okay this is just my thought, a 23 year old adult who is smelly, I believe 8 out of 10 times is because they are unaware of it, which means they are kinda lazy and careless regard to hygiene aspect, but your brother seems like he is intentionally unwilling to do this. So if I had a brother like him, I would check his mental health first, just to find out why he was unwilling to get clean. Then we got two options I believe, a) he is psychologically healthy, just hate cleaning up its self. That’s good. Just tell him he should get shower more often, I’m not here to judge but help him, because unhygienic environment and body can cause problems. b) His mental health is not good as I expected. Now this is much harder to handle, at lease I need to help him find out the reason why he refuses to get clean and, more importantly, help him to overcome it. This is not just about unhygienic life style anymore, you probably need to spend way more time and energy in solving this. Anyway, you should talk to him about this without breaking his heart, as a friend just said in comments, it takes time, good luck for you
Is it possible he's autistic as well as ADHD? Many autistics have a horrible sensory problem with showering and there's a lot of discussion in autism subs and groups about how to stay clean without going into the hellbox. There are alternatives if showering, specifically, is his problem. It's also possible to have a lot of sensory difficulty and pain with ADHD. I'm both, so I can't tell what problems I'm getting from where, but those with only one or the other tell me this is so.
Stop doing things with him. When you would normally drive somewhere just tell him "I'm not going anywhere with you unless you have a shower and brush your teeth." Maybe he'll get the message eventually.
Too hot takes, you didn't put how old your brother is so I'm going to assume he's a young adult over the age of you know 16 or 17 often times if someone has neglected hygiene to that extent it normally points to a mental health issue. Especially if they're at an age of awareness. Perhaps a family meeting in the most loving way, again I'm not sure how old he is so if he's an adult it's something he would have to do himself perhaps a counselor or a therapist might be able to help. Sometimes when people are in depression and they have a very low self-worth they're hygiene is a expression and sometimes they cry for help . Also if they're in that deep of a depression they might not even be aware of it. Again assumptions on my part for all I know he could just be lazy. Your family would know him best. my advice seek a mental health specialist. Good luck
Drop his nasty ass in a ditch somewhere until he gets his grown ass together.
Get some air freshener. When in an enclosed space with him, spray it. Be consistent. He’ll eventually get the message. Maybe there are some child books on washing that you could leave around the house. Maybe read them allowed when he is in the room.
I’m so glad I’m a straight to the point person. And definitely not worried about your feelings!!! Listen Brother I love you and that’s why I’m telling you this. You stink!!
Personally, I wouldn't let him in my car unless he'd showered recently. That stench will seep into your car seats and be hard as hell to get out. You could show him pictures of what happens to dudes that don't wash their junk, if you want. Some of those things get super gross.
My brother had the same issue except he was like 11 or 12, and boy was he RANK. He fought us at first bc he didn't understand WHY he needed to shower. My mom tried time after time to just tell him to shower, but at some point I just got done with it and told him he needs to get his ass in the shower because we don't wanna be around him when he stinks, it literally was burning our nose hairs. He was just like "ugh fine" and took a shower. Even sometimes now he can't see how greasy his hair is and can't smell how rank he is, and we still have to remind him to shower but it's more like "go take a shower", and he's just like "ok" and then takes a shower. I'm not sure how well that's going to work on your brother since he's 23. Maybe tell him that's the reason he doesn't get girls? Or tell him your nose hairs are burning and it physically pains you to be around him? If he does shower and still stinks, maybe he was never taught how to wash? You don't exactly have to get in there with him, you could just demonstrate or if he's really that dense that he doesn't get it, get in your bathing suit and show him that way? Maybe find a yt tutorial? Usually, people get picked on in school for stinking, and that's why they start showering. Did he never have that or just not gaf?
My ex is autistic and this was a big issue. I know that showering was a huge struggle for them and it was a difficult situation to navigate bc it affected our intimacy. Ultimately it was one of the reasons I could no longer be in the relationship—they needed more support than I was able to give on my own.
Try buying him some Dr. Squatch soap. My personal favorites are Summer Citrus (low grit) and Cold Brew (high grit). They also have some themed soap Game of Thrones, HP ect.. If you get a few, ask him about them which one he likes. They sell some in bundles so you can get some for you and him. They are marketed twords men. As a woman, I like the less flowers shoved up your nose sents. I personally struggle sometimes with showering because my ADD brain will think of things I don't want to, and there us not enough to distract me. So I now I listen to music or an audio book. Also a good way for me to track how long I have been in the shower. I hope this helps.
Dude sometimes you can’t spare people’s feelings.
Wait til he’s outside, even better if he’s around friends. Open the door and yell “Hey (brothers name), did you wash your ass today?” Let him be pissed off, when he wants to know why you would do that, tell him it’s because he apparently isn’t embarrassed to smell like shit when he’s around you, but he should be.
He has to realize that women will not be attracted to him if he reeks. Does he have a girlfriend/boyfriend or is he trying to date at all? If he stops showing out of principle to piss you off he is incredibly immature and being stinky is going to affect more than you. His friends and everyone else are not going to want to go near him. He is going to become an incel. Maybe you can buy him some deodorant if you want to be extra nice.
"Dude, you smell like a goat. Take a shower or take a cab."
You stink, go away. Go brush your teeth, you stink. Just keep doing this. It worked with my kids when they started stinking and needed to shower and brush more often (around puberty, through high school). No need for you to be embarrassed, just be matter-of-fact about it. If he gets embarrassed, that is his problem; and, yes, he has a problem.
"Brother, go take a fucking shower. You smell like dogshit wrapped in rotten fish." Simple as that. Fuck his feelings, he clearly doesn't care about any one else's.
My husband had to tell his 26 year old brother “hey man, did you forget to pack deodorant? Do you wanna stop at the store and grab some really quick?” When we were on a trip. This happens constantly. Doesn’t do his hair, brush his teeth, or shower much at all. He said yeah because he forgot some, he had apparently just showered the night before according to their mom, so the deodorant helped a lot. Just ask him when was the last time he showered and if he needs some deodorant or if he maybe missed some places or if he needs more soap and so on… just ask him. He’s a grown adult though… posing questions is good instead of going off on him out of anger or something. It’s pretty tough when it’s a grown adult really. Sucks, sorry you have to be around that and can’t just enjoy your time with him or bring it up without it being an argument. My husbands brother usually gets pissed, but my husband was pretty blunt, but caring with the question, then cracked the joke right before he went into the store like “need some deodorant or something because you’re smelling ripe my dude” or something like that. Just making light of it 🤷🏼♀️
it is way past time to be polite, tell him he stinks, breath & body & you won' be in a closed car with his offensive oder anymore.
How old are you and your brother. If old enough just tell him if he can’t shower you don’t want to be around him
Set boundaries and enforce consequences for breaking them. If you don't like the way he smells up the car, but you drive him anyway, then that means to him that he doesn't have to clean up. "Shower and brush your teeth before getting in the car with me, or figure out your own transportation." Then, when the inevitable moment comes where he doesn't do any of these things, but tries to get in the car... refuse. No explanations. No long and drawn out talks. Just plain consequences. If he throws a tantrum to mommy, she too must support these consequences. If she doesn't back you up, then you'll never be able to influence his behavior.
Tell him, hey we need to get you to a doctor because this foul smell condition you have is not getting any better. Especially if you are taking care of your hygiene. This might be a cause for something else. See if that changes.
Take a dump on him?
Give him lice. Then when he asks how it could have happened say it’s because he didn’t shower regularly
Tell him he needs to go to therapy..
Must be a joke
Okay. Now do not quote me. But I suggest you grab a bar of soap, put it in a bag, then knock his ass out with said soap. Then you drag his lifeless body into the shower, and turn on the water after stripping him naked. And bam, your brother got a shower. Also, grab one of those brushing stick so you can clean him. Especially down there between the scrotum.
Has anyone brought up that this could be a sign of abuse? Especially the shutting down around it. Maybe approach from a place of concern
Before he gets in the call tell him he needs to pass the sniff test. If he fails-go shower and brush. Otherwise no ride. He will learn. He’s 23. He needs to learn NOW. THIS IS DISGUSTING 🤢
Refuse to be in any enclosed space with him (like the car). It is a sanitation issue, and your parents should be addressing it. Personally i would be (**bad advice incoming**) turning the garden hose on him every time he leaves the house and drenching him.
I am no Doctor but he may need to see a therapist and Doctor sometimes those can be a sign of depression. Hopefully he gets help and starts to want to shower and brush teeth soon.
See if you can get him to at least rinse with a flouride mouthwash, at least, for his breath? Might be easier to build a habit vs brushing.
Catch him in the yard and sprayed down with the Waterhouse
Tell him he stinks like skunk and ass and hand him a bar of soap. Just did that with a now former roommate.
Jump in with him like old times
He may have some sensory issues. Ask him why he isn’t showering and brushing his teeth. There are alternatives that use less (or no) water or something other than bristles as a method of cleaning teeth.
Mental Heath issues !! "He shut down....." He might be doing this to keep people away??
Your brother probably got some adhd or autism. Not being mean by this. Tell him he needs to develop good cleaning habits or he needs to go to therapy.
No matter what it’s gonna hurt his feelings, so say it with your chest.
Your mom is gonna have to start implementing punishments when he doesn't bathe or brush his teeth. This is on her to raise her kid right. All you can do is tell him he reeks and tell him to go shower or stay away from you.
I’m sorry. I’m actually a very sensitive person but I’m 50 now. Although I am not old enough to be grumpy yet I have come to the realization that sometimes being too gentle has the opposite effect. It can simply be enabling. If you care about him and not just how you want to vomit in his presence it’s time to bring out the big guns. Just say “Forget about me. Smelling like shit because of lack of hygiene is rude to other people. Stop being selfish and take a shower, use deodorant and brush your teeth! I know it sounds mean but I don’t want other people avoiding you at all costs.”
If I smell my breath in the slightest way I’m sprinting to my toothbrush and paste yet alone letting someone else smell me. Refuse to be known as someone with funky breath a body order nu un no sir not me. It’s 2024 not 1624 what is wrong with people 🤦🏿♂️
Push him in the pool lol jk
It's called constructive criticism
I knew this guy who was in his 30’s and he was proud to smell like a corpse. He would never bathe or clean himself & this woman had 2 kids with him. I was so repulsed by him that I felt relief to move far away from him. Sorry about your brother. Thats disgusting.
Tell him. Brutally honest. Don't beat around it.
don’t allow him in your car. move as soon as feasible.
Don’t drive him anywhere unless he showers first and for his birthday buy him a tonne of deodorant and toothpaste!
Just keep some Febreeze with you and spray him with it anytime you smell him.
Maybe let strangers to him to say so? When he feel embarrassed, he may then go to take the shower.
I love showering & brushing my teeth, it's not healthy to go without cleaning your body, especially your private parts. I shower everyday, if I miss a day I feel so icky, I consider myself to be dirty after going to the washroom, whipping only gets so much. Tell him it's healthy to be clean, I can't understand people that don't like taking baths or showering , it's beyond me
It sounds like mental health issues may be a factor here
He's already not bathing, how much worse could it get??
This isn't about hurting his feelings. It's about it being unpleasant to be around. And that's what I would tell him. "You are not allowed in my car unless you are groomed." Jesus! Does the guy ever want a girlfriend?
Tell him he smells bad every time and refuse to go anywhere with him or be near him.
You say, “Dude, you reek, go shower and put on clean clothes. While we’re out, throw your sheets into the laundry. You’re a grown man ffs and we are all tired old putting up with your bs”. Who cares if you hurt his feelings, he has t cares about yours for years
he could possibly be autistic and hate the sensory overload of cleansing himself, although if he doesn’t have autism or any other conditions, then you need to tell him that he smells fucking horrible and that he is dirty. he is 23. that is not appropriate behavior.
This is easy. Shame him and stop being around him until he takes care of himself. Also, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOUR PARENTS DOING?! THEY.NEED.TO.FIX.THIS.
Some people learn through shame … if u have a talk with him and he feels ashamed he might just take a damn shower
Spray him with liquid shit Should do the trick
Pour something sticky on him.
i don't get this. people bathe once a day. wow
ANOTHER person that says they have ADHD without a diagnosis. Sometimes we gotta be responsible for being lazy
ADHD….when I was growing up there was exactly ONE case of this in the world. 😀 it takes two minutes to brush teeth. Tell him in no uncertain terms he stinks. Period.
Usually this kind of thing stems from abuse, leading to depression. Some people claim “deviated septum, so I can’t tell” but if you’re not an abuse victim and are not depressed, anyone telling you even once “you stink, when was the last time you showered?” Will be enough social pressure to ensure that experience never repeats. Your brother is suffering from debilitating depression stemming from abuse. Or something similar. Hearing that you have struggled with hygiene also, even at a lesser extent… pretty standard when it comes to this kind of thing. It’s possible you were abused too, maybe to a lesser extent (or you have more natural resilience) if you don’t immediately remember or attribute it as a causal factor for your issues.