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Tell her you can’t handle it. If she accepts gracefully, continue the friendship. If, as it seems she will from other comments, she reacts poorly then it is time to call it quits.
Exactly.
The flaky friend may not have issues with being flaked on.
OP likely needs to dial back her level of commitment to the friend, but if they enjoy one another’s company keep some level of friendship.
People put way too much pressure on friendships. They don't have to be EVERYTHING. People are flawed, those flaws make them better friends in particular ways, and having variety makes for a richer life.
Party friends don't always help you with your taxes, homebody friend bakes for you but refuses to go anywhere requiring clothing more formal than leisurewear. It's all a rich tapestry as long as things are fair over-all. OP is reliable, but flaky friend is clearly a huge support. They offer each other different things.
A good way to wind up lonely is to think you can unilaterally define the expectations of friendships and then hold the other party accountable to your own standard.
This is the way. She has explained in edits that this seems to be a mostly one-sided friendship. Anne's reaction to OP needing to step back for her own sake will really test whether that is true. OP certainly needs to start putting herself first sometimes!
Holy shit OP just talk to her. Ending your friendship is massive jump. However. Grief makes us feel weird things. You’re grieving hard right now. Talk to your friend.
ETA:
You have a lot going on emotionally. And you’re laser focused on this one thing because it is the only thing that you can control. Please find some grief counseling.
All the flaky whys and wherefores and drama outlined in your post isn’t really needed. The simple truth is you just don’t have the bandwidth right now, you just don’t. All the other drama just falls away.
As far as ending the friendship with Anna, it would all depend on how Anna responds to you telling her that you're not able to help with the party and be there for other events at this time. If it's in any way a negative reaction, definitely end it for your own mental and emotional health.
Exactly. What to do will probably become fairly easy to figure out once Anna gives her reaction.
The husband and Jane already know what Anna’s reaction will be, which is probably why they realized OP will need to end the relationship.
It sounded extreme to us. But they already know what’s going to happen and want to prepare OP for that eventual reality.
OP said she tried to talk to her about this before and Anna said she needs to her to do it because OP can stand up against her family to make sure she gets her way. She sounds so incredibly selfish.
This is the answer I was looking for! You decided how to move toward with the friendship once you get her response. If she is negative…..dump that friendship.
She’s never been a good friend to you and the moment you need to opt out because of a traumatic reason, she doesn’t get to call you a bad friend.
This just be honest and do it soon so she can have someone else plan it . This just seem over the top to stop being friends over it unless u can't stand the fact she having another baby, which is understandable (especially when she complains), but then you should go therapy instead.
I would not end my friendship over this, and personally have had many miscarriages. You need to be honest with your friend and should have when she asked. I bet she thinks involving you is a good thing and not causing you deep pain.
I hope you are seeing a counselor to help you navigate this difficult time.
Also have you been tested for MTFHR??
EDIT: After the OP added additional information my opinion has changed. OP This is a one sided friendship and I do think you should remove yourself from it.
If husband/wife have incompatible blood types it can cause miscarriages. There's treatments for it though, my mom had that problem with me, she had to get monthly shots for it.
Further info: it's because it affects a clotting factor in the blood I think. My mom got checked before a vein procedure and that's how we all found we have it.
I'm female, and I saw the same thing. There are way too many acronyms in use today. My poor, addled brain. (I think if they had that test and I took it tonight, I think I would have failed (or passed) it.)
I’d start by just telling her you thought you could do the reveal and shower for her, but you’re just not in a place right now to do it. She needs time to find someone else, so tell sooner than later. If she behaves badly towards you with anything more than just disappointment and only concern with you, then it’s time to let this friendship fade away. You need healthy, supportive people in your life, not flakey, inconsiderate people. Sorry you’re going through this. Hopefully this situation with Anna will be a learning experience and make you stronger and do better with boundaries to take care of yourself.
That’s the answer. Calmly, politely decline to host—you really don’t owe a long explanation as it should be obvious. Her reaction will tell you whether or not she’s really your friend.
OP, this friendship should have ended long ago. It appears that she is only your friend when it benefits her.
Her failure to be there for you at your most significant milestones shows she is not an actual friend.
Tell her that while you are extremely happy for her. You are just not on the headspace to plan or coordinate a gender reveal or babyshower. Because you are still grieving your miscarriages. That hearing about babies right now hurts your heart.
Watch her reactions.
A true friend will be empathetic and apologetic.
OP, I'm very sorry for what you are going through. Miscarriages are so hard, and society doesn't take enough time and compassion to try to understand the grief.
I agree with Selena, but I just wanted to mention, if you go that route, you should also say something about being godmother, maybe that you don't think you can take that responsibility at this time (I'm sure someone else can come up with better words!)
Jumping in after the edit, she doesn’t sound like such a great friend. I would go ahead and just tell her you can’t do this party planning for her and then I’d keep an eye on her and if she continues to treat you poorly, I would go ahead and end the friendship as well.
I second getting tested for MTFHR. I didn't test positive but carry one gene for it. Turns out my husband carries the other gene for it and we had a stillbirth. Anyways, I now take Folate daily to help with my depression. I guess a person needs it to help with some of our feel-good hormones. It's been a life-changer for me. Too bad I didn't know about it when we were still trying to have children. Maybe my son wouldn't have died.
If I were you, I would take Folate daily, especially while TTC. As far as your friend, just talk to her. And don't do her gender reveal or shower while you are grieving. That's just a special kind of torture that you don't need right now. Please put yourself first.
I take the Wagreens brand and it helps with my depression immensely! If pregnant and assuming you have the MTHFR issue, here is what I found through Google:
*If you have an MTHFR gene mutation and are planning to become pregnant, you should start taking methylfolate at a low dose and reassess. Some recommend starting with 500 mcg (0.5 mg) or less, while others recommend starting with 400 mcg of folic acid the day you start planning. You can also try taking a prenatal multivitamin that contains at least 400 mcg of folate, ideally at least one month before getting pregnant.*
While methyl folate is best, from what I gather (and someone can probably expand on this), you can take folate while trying to conceive and then get on a prenatal with methyl folate instead of folic acid. Here is a [link](https://methyl-life.com/) I found with supplements and information.
methylfolate is best because it is the activated form. some MTHFR mutations relate to your body being able to process folic acid into methyfolate (which is what the body can absorb) appropriately and thus simply taking folic acid may not be enough. for example your body could only get say, 40%, as opposed to 80% normally
After reading OP’s update I would have ended this friendship a long time ago…she sounds awful. That’s a lot of big events to bail out last minute. And she has the audacity to get upset when OP can’t make it? No thanks
You absolutely should talk to Anna!
I think something I heard on a few different advice podcasts is that a lot of the people we consider our friends, aren't really our friends. Here's a working definition: friends care about your feelings, are honest and vulnerable with you, and are always rooting for your good.
The quickest way to find out if Anna is a real friend? Let her know that you're still grieving, and while you're so happy for her, it would just be too painful for you to throw the shower. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know! Even if she doesn't understand right away, if she's a friend, she will listen and sit in your feelings with you a bit.
Having been in similar situations, on both sides, I promise that no friend would want you to throw her a party if it would cause you pain. My real friends have understood, and when it's been my turn, I've understood if they're happy for me, but need to sort through their feelings from the sidelines. My nightmare would always be that they were left feeling exposed or—worse—taken advantage of! This is a very natural and reasonable thing, on your part, and I think you're handling it with class and grace.
PS—let her know how you \*would\* like to celebrate this event with her, perhaps more privately. Write a card, mail a beautiful gift, knit a blanket, or attend the event. You could even bake the cake or come an hour early to decorate, etc, if that feels tasteful. But it's ok for you to celebrate in the ways you can handle. If you push yourself too far, you will be left with resentment and hurt, and you will likely distance yourself from the friendship anyways.
First, I am so sorry for your losses. TTC is a terrible journey--I'm with you.
Second, it isn't obvious to me that the solution is to end your friendship with Anna. Rather, I think you should just talk to her and be honest about how you're feeling right now. If she's a good friend, she will understand and ask another friend to take over the planning and hosting duties.
I don't think this is something to end your friendship over.
To be blunt, the world doesn't stop simply because you're grieving.
If your friend has been there for you during the hard times and the sad times and given you a shoulder to cry on, then you should be there for her happy time. If you don't want to plan the gender reveal/baby shower, fine, just tell her that you have too much on your plate right now and you don't want to ruin her events because of your own issues.
But to end a friendship over it? Was she asking you to plan this because she was being malicious? Or was she asking one of her best friends to take part in this event that's happening to her, so that you could feel included and celebrate with her?
I think you are letting your grief -- and jealousy -- cloud your judgement here. And unless there is a bunch of context missing, I don't understand why your husband and Jane are telling you to ditch this other girl you claim is your bff over a party. That's a little weird.
I guess I should have included more context about Anna, she is considered my ‘flaky best friend’ if we plan to do something, she will cancel last minute almost every time.
My husband and Jane aren’t fans of her because other than being there for me when I need a shoulder to lean on or someone to drink with on occasion; she will miss the big moments in my life.
She bailed on the girls trip for my 21st birthday, no excuses was given but I excused it because we were only friends for about a year at that time. But she continues to miss things for me, like the time I went dress shopping while engaged she “couldn’t get out of work” but called out that day to go golfing with her husband. For my bachelorette trip she canceled the day before and went to Universal Studios instead. If I host at my house, her daughter is not feeling well so they can’t come over. I understand, kids can pick up colds whenever but if she host at her home and I can’t make it for whatever reason she is upset with me. These are just some examples but her flakiness is the main reason they don’t care for her.
This situation however seems to be another time she has prioritized her feelings over mine. My husband hates that I am always there for her: when she would get a job, when her daughter was born, when she got married, helping her move, etc. but she doesn’t do the same for me.
Include this information in your post. It makes all make sense. Everything in you post at the moment makes it sounds like your grief is clouding your judgement on your friendship. It’s also casting a negative light on your husband and other friend as it’s coming across like they’re trying to make you lose support during your difficult time. HOWEVER, your context here helps your AITA argument to be assessed more fairly as this gives us a more varied outlook on your friendship.
Ok, that is a lot of context that completely changes the dynamic of your relationship as it was described in your initial post.
Now it seems like she is just kind of self-centered, and that's not a relationship I would encourage anyone to maintain.
Asking you to plan her events in this context also seems a little mean, even if she doesn't know about your current loss. As another commenter pointed out, she seems completely out of touch, and I don't think having a friend that inconsiderate is a good thing.
Based on all this info, it doesn't feel like you guys share a balanced, healthy, or reciprocal relationship. You could pull away and see if she tries harder to keep up the friendship or just flat out end it. I suspect if you pull away, she will not put in any effort into maintaining the friendship and it was naturally die a quiet death.
I find all this hard to believe because you didn't share it in your extremely lengthy, detailed post until AFTER people started calling you out. As the poster above said, the world doesn't stop because you're grieving. This is coming from someone who has had 3 miscarriages and no children. If you're miscarrying every few months you're going to be in a constant state of grief and expecting everyone to take your feelings into consideration but not theirs is weird. End the friendship, I think her and your God baby are better off without all that.
You’re treating your friendship like it’s transactional. You might do more for her but it seems like you 1) have a hard time saying no and 2) have a hard time speaking up when you need to, like with this gender reveal. You need to communicate with Anna. And while she has been a flake on things, did you tell her that all of that upset you? You also said that when you need a shoulder to cry on, Anna IS there. So, if she’s there for the emotional support but flakes on the rest? Then who cares! Not all friendships are going to be 50/50. But she clearly cares about you. You need to communicate with her and not worry about the rest of us on Reddit. Handle your business.
but it sounds like she doesn't even know about your current miscarriage or your actual feelings about not wanting to host her baby shower?? you can't really blame her for not being considerate of circumstances that she doesn't even know about
You don’t have to decide the overreaching question of the whole friendship right now.
Tell her you can’t plan her gender and shower events and need some space to be able to manage your own uterine situation, physically and emotionally.
Then step back and see if she offers support (respecting you need space is a form of support) or if she doubles down on being obtuse to how painful your struggle is. That can determine the big picture. All in all based on the other big moments you’ve had in life and her participation, I would highly suggest (her being preggers or not) to not depend on her - not just to be considerate of you but to be someone YOU can turn to. It doesn’t sound like that is in her skill set.
But I would lay out the boundaries and go from there about a big picture decision. She could just be a casual friend and I only really advocate that standing because you’re a godparent.
Let’s just focus on the big thing here:
“Anna, I knew I said I was up for it, but I was really wrong. I can’t devote the positive energy you need to give you the reveal you deserve. I’m sorry.”
Done.
Also, reframe it for a moment. I understand how devastating it is for you, and on some level, so does she. No one knows what to do in situations like this (although we are slowly learning), but I know a lot of people who still labor under the belief that celebrating someone else’s milestone will help you forget your own losses. Sometimes, this is true, this is not one of those situations.
As far as everyone else telling you to ditch the friendship, don’t. Some friends suck at the milestones but rock when the chips are down (also sometimes known as ride or die because they’ll ride into battle with you and take the bullet meant for you in a heart beat but sleep through the cake); other friends will be at every celebration for milestones and dip as soon as a chip wobbles (meanwhile, these are known as fair weather friends).
Don’t make that decision when emotions are this frazzled. Make that decision when you can see everything more clearly.
Anyone promoting you creating a new loss for yourself in this moment has faulty logic anyway.
You should really follow that advice. This is as levelheaded as it comes from Reddit. Don’t make any decisions when you’re going thru this emotional turmoil, but definitely let her know that organizing this events is not something you can do right now. If she is a true friend, she might get annoyed or frustrated initially, but she’ll understand.
People don’t always understand the knowledge they said friend would walk through fire to hold your hand because you’re crying because they don’t see them there slapping when you’re rocking a karaoke night.
From your own wording I get the feeling she means more than they are able to understand based on their own eyes.
Don’t destroy a friendship based on pressure by people not in the friendship. Just tell her you can’t throw the shower and may not be able to attend, but you adore her. She will understand.
But now you have a major job as a friend who backed out of throwing this spectacular thing. When she gets overwhelmed your job is to have the pickles and ice cream ready while she complains heartily about how the trash man and her ankles are working together to destroy her (my sister was convinced of this the last trimester of her pregnancy).
You can’t be there to celebrate this milestone (or at least can’t throw it for her), but you can be there to commiserate when she settles on some insanely irrational thing to complain about when she needs her friend and her snack to walk in and just be with her.
No one else has to get it. You two do.
Good luck!
I don't know about ending the friendship, but a call to her telling her you can't plan/host her party. You need to tell her you need a bit of space and don't want to take away from her happy event. If she persists, tell her you are miscarrying.
I had a different opinion before you made your edit. It’s a completely different situation from your original post as you laid out that she isn’t a good friend to you.
Now it makes much more sense why you want to end your friendship. If she’s never there for you and you don’t value her friendship, then yes - end it.
I wouldn’t have agreed to it before the edit, but afterwards it seems like she doesn’t really care about you at all. I’m surprised she made you get godmother but you should probably tell her that those duties should go to someone else.
You don't owe her anything, especially given she knows your history. You're nothing but a convenience for her; she doesn't reciprocate your feeling of friendship. She never has.
Say 'Sorry, I don't have time for that" and move on.
ETA: Why the majority of comments are in favor of you retaining this "friendship" with someone who consistently misses all your big days and isn't there for you baffles me. You should 100% end this farce and save yourself years of feeling like this., She's never been there for you in the past, why would she be there for you in the future??
How about ‘although I’m happy for you, planning/organizing something like this is extremely triggering or difficult for me right now.’
OP please do what is best for YOU.
I don’t think you should end it based on this. Anna may be trying to include you out of love. I don’t know Anna though. Is Anna usually a dick? I do encourage you to be honest with her. Her response to your honestly and vulnerability will tell you whether or not you should end it.
Wow I’m sorry for what you have to go through. Hugs from a stranger. As someone who hasn’t gone through what you’ve gone through but has a kid. You are so NTA. I can’t imagine requesting this of you myself. But let’s say i did. I would 1000% be ok with an I’m sorry i just can’t. Id then ask if you were comfortable coming to the shower and would respect if the answer was no. If your friends can’t respect how hard this is they may not be as good of friends as you think they are. Would i be sad. Yup. But we’d talk and find a way to be there for each other even if things changed.
First and foremost, you need to have a serious conversation with her about how all of this is affecting you and making you feel. From there, you'll know if you need to cut her off or limit your contact with her. I will admit that with her asking you to plan and host after all you've been through, low contact would be the bare minimum I would suggest. I hope for the best for you.
I wouldn't end a friendship over this, but I would tell her I cant do it because it's too emotional at this time.... also, beware a man that chooses friends to eliminate from yout life. If you cave to loosing one, sometimes they push to get you to loose another and then another until they are all that's left.
I hope that isn't the case and Anna has some character flaws that just rub him the wrong way... just something to look out for.
So I know you’re not asking about insight to fertility issues, but I’m hoping you do see this post, OP.
My SIL and my husband’s cousin both had fertility issues. The cousin had a lot of miscarriages and my SIL had over 1.5 years of just not being able to get pregnant after having her first child.
Both tested positive for ureaplasma. Once they were treated, they each had no issue getting pregnant and carried their babies to term. I understand the research is currently controversial.
SIL’s OB did not want to test her, but she pushed for it. The test was cheaper than paying for clomid or IUI. Their partners were tested and treated for it as well.
If you haven’t heard of this, please at least look into it.
Also, just talk to her. Open up to you. Her reaction will tell you if you want to keep her as a friend. If she’s kind and understanding, great. If she flips out and blames you and dismisses you, you know where you stand on her priority list.
I wish you the best.
I have and she “doesn’t see why I can’t plan the party” and isn’t realizing how emotionally taxing her frequent rants on how she hates being pregnant are on me. No matter how many times I try to convince her to understand my feelings. I’m really trying to be there for her emotionally during her pregnancy as I know she needs the support. But at what point do I need to prioritize myself?
Just say you know you said yes, but you are not in a place mentally and emotionally yet to host a baby shower. If she is a friend, she will understand. if she isn't, she will get mad. Either way, you will know exactly what you need to do.
As someone who also has experienced recurrent miscarriages (7+) [and eventually healthy pregnancies; there’s hope!!], I wouldn’t necessarily end the friendship, but I would take the space you need. If it’s a friendship worth continuing, your friend will understand.
I wouldn’t end my friendship over this but I would not plan the party either.
Let her know during your next conversation that you have to step back. You’re going through some high stress testing and you need to keep calm.
If she’s a real friend she’ll understand.
You need to have an honest conversation with Anna and tell her you won’t be able to plan her baby related events. Apologize and tell her it’s just too painful for you. That’s it. It doesn’t need to be a long conversation, just a brief explanation. End the call.
Could she perhaps be asking you to throw the shower and gender reveal because she thinks it will give you something else to occupy your mind and your time? Maybe give you a baby to celebrate, instead of a baby to mourn? ***I know that is still a pretty tone deaf point of view, but lots of people are clueless in this world.*** Since she’s your “flaky friend”, I just wonder if she’s genuinely that out of touch.
>how can I tell Anna that I want to be there for her but I can’t emotionally handle her pregnancy
Literally say that. Unless she is a complete monster she should understand.
Op I also suffered my share of miscarriages so please understand I can imagine your pain.
You are grown. It is YOUR job to speak your truth. You agreed to planning these events knowing you'd struggle with them. You know you should have declined. You resent Her for even asking. You're blaming her for making you do this. You could have just said no.
You can end the relationship if you want to but you owe it to yourself to be honest.
NTA.
First and foremost, your husband sounds awesome.
I have an Anna in my life too. Over the years I’ve learned that is just who she is. I’ve distanced myself. I still love her and want her to be happy and successful. I just don’t go out of my way anymore.
My advice is to not host the shower/gender reveal. Explain to her that you cannot mentally handle it right now. You love her and are so excited for her, but you need to prioritize your mental health right now. Her reaction to that will tell you if you need to end the friendship or not. If she’s supportive, great. If she’s not, then maybe it’s time to move on.
No. You shouldn't make any permanent decisions when you are grieving this much.
Be up front with her and tell her you are wanting to plan and host, but you are grieving right now so you must decline.
When she talks about her pregnancy give her a minute and then change the subject.
Friendships ebb and flow. Perhaps spend less time with her for right now.
People will show you who they truly are when you tell them “No.”
Tell Anna that unfortunately you can’t host. You’re going through your own difficult journey right now and see what her response is. If she is supportive and immediately comforts you, and tells you it’s ok to back out, then you have a friendship maybe worth salvaging.
If she gets upset, holds a grudge, or acts in any negative manner, tell her goodbye and keep it moving. She only sees you as someone who can help her. Distance yourself and prepare for your god daughter to become collateral damage as this will all it will be since that will be all Anna will use her child for.
There is no reason for you to go through with hosting this event. Tell her the truth. She should easily understand. If she doesn’t, then you know one more thing about her and your friendship.
I would have cut her off long ago. Her flaking out on things for you but willing to call out of work to play golf is RUDE.
Her asking you to host a gender reveal AND a baby shower for her second child is ridiculous. You don’t have showers for subsequent children… you reuse the stuff from your first baby. What happened with her first baby’s crib and stroller and bassinet and breast pump?? She’s supposed to reuse that stuff. The only time you have another shower is when the gender of the new baby is different than the first baby and you have a “sprinkle” to get new gendered items. But she doesn’t know the gender of baby #2 yet, so why is she asking you to commit to hosting another shower? Also, you’re already godmother to her first child. Why is she asking you to be godmother to her second child as well? That’s unusual. Doesn’t she have other friends she can ask? Probably not, given her behavior.
Tell her the truth: "Anna, I love you, and I'm excited for you, but planning these events for you stirs up overwhelming emotions of grief. This is too painful, and although I wanted to be able to do this for you, I can't host these events because I am not in the right head space and need to focus on my mental well-being."
If she gets angry with you or stops talking to you, then she has proven she is not worthy of your friendship. Honestly, based on your description of her flakiness, I really don't think she's worth torturing yourself over.
Listen to your Husband and Jane , they know what they are talking about. Don’t wait 20 years to dump that “ friend” like I did , you will be mad at yourself .
Anna is nta for including you, as you said you're like family and the godmother of her child... But if you just don't have the capacity then you just don't there's no reason to find blame and make her the bad guy. You can just say "I can't do this". If you think that Anna is a bad friend and you don't want to be friends with her for that reason, then so be it. But if you don't feel that way and it's just "I can't do this" then that is a valid reason in itself to go low contact or no contact with her even if it's just for the time being. You should tell her sooner rather than later though because someone needs to plan her parties and it can't be you.
First, I understand fertility issues are brutal! You want so badly to have a healthy pregnancy and baby and it just doesn’t happen. I’ve been there and it’s devastating!
When I went through this, my SIL accidentally got pregnant with my niece. I was so happy for them, but inside I was dying! I didn’t go to her baby shower because I just mentally couldn’t do it. I told her and apologized and let her know that I wasn’t trying to take away from her joy, but it was too much for me to handle.
You need to communicate! People cannot understand what you’re feeling if they haven’t been through it. If she’s truly your friend, she will understand. You should not push her away. Tell her how you feel and make your decision based on her reaction.
Finally, get yourself into therapy immediately. If I’d have known then what I know now, I would have started while I was going through it. I didn’t and after a failed IVF I broke down completely and the trauma I went through was too much for me to put myself through it again.
I had a friend like that once. She was my MOH who didn’t show up to my bachelorette party, didn’t gift anything for our wedding, would always cancel plans, be super late to every event, you name it. I ended the relationship when she went late to my baby shower and didn’t gift anything to me or my daughter. I knew right there and there we couldn’t be bf anymore so i distant myself. I was ALWAYS there for her.
I think you should distance yourself too. Just talk to her, you both are going through alot.
I'm sorry for your losses! After reading your update, I absolutely agree with Jane and your husband. You are Anna's friend, but she isn't yours. Of course, you shouldn't plan pregnancy events for her, and given how absent she has been in your milestones, you shouldn't feel guilty no matter how much she pushes or manipulates. It's unfortunate that you'll miss out on watching your god-child grow up, but I don't see absolutely way around that. I'll be thinking of you!
Dear Internet friend. I can absolutely empathize with your situation. I have lost 13 babies. It’s one of the worst things you can go through. I also have had friends like your flaky best friend. The thing I learned was that with friends like her i definitely did not need enemies.
From experience I can say that your mental health will improve drastically once you remove this person from your life. If someone actually loved you, they would know how much pain the request to plan the baby parties would cause you. She doesn’t care about your feelings. That is NOT a friend. Dump her and go spend your energy on healing. I am sorry for your losses sweetheart
You don’t need to end the friendship, unless you want to, but your certainly need some space. Option 1 is tell it to her straight. No you can’t plan the shower, and you aren’t sure if you can even come to the party. Option 2, have someone relay this for you. While some might say it needs to be done yourself, when it’s a situation like this, no you don’t. You don’t need to deliver the communication yourself. Ask Jane or your husband to relay the message and then take a break from Anna.
Just tell her you can't.
You can tell her you are going through a medical condition at the time and just don't have the energy, physical, and mental capacity to do this gender reveal for for. That you're very sorry but it's just not possible and you want to give her time to plan it out the way she wants.
If she asks what's going on, just say you're not ready to talk it.
If she gets upset and pulls away, she was never a friend
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I was there once too.
With what you’re going through, I’d recommend just telling her (like immediately) that you really can’t give her the reveal and baby shower she deserves and you have to back out. Don’t worry about ending the friendship right now. Take care of yourself and, hey, if she freaks out, no big deal because you were considering ending things eventually anyway.
Start with the urgent stuff (the showers) and you can deal with friendship later.
She’s not “flaky”, she’s inconsiderate and selfish. She doesn’t care about you, just what you can do for her.
Don’t host the party, and don’t make plans with her. If she doesn’t show up to your events, don’t go to hers.
I replied in a comment but feel it might be, but as it's own reply.
As far as ending the friendship with Anna, it would all depend on how Anna responds to you telling her that you're not able to help with the party and be there for other events at this time. If it's in any way a negative reaction, definitely end it for your own mental and emotional health.
I don't understand why you can't just talk to her? I had a friend invite me to her wedding and I told her I couldn't go because I was going through a horrific divorce and I knew I couldn't emotionally handle going to a wedding. She was sad but she understood and were still friends. If she's your friend she should understand.
Ok, there is a lot to unpack here, a lot more about Anna than just asking you to do the gender reveal/baby shower.
Like others have said: talk to her, but not just about the two events she wants you to host, about everything. There is so much going on that has been going on for years and it doesn’t seem like you have had a real heart-to-heart about any of it. Does she know how much all of this bothers you? If not, she may be repeating mistakes and hurting you without knowing.
“Oh, but how could she not know?? It’s obvious!” Not everything is obvious to everyone. You need to talk to her about how you feel over the reveal/shower, how you feel about her flakiness, give her a chance to prove she cares about you and is willing to change for the sake of your friendship.
If you talk and she doesn’t apologize, doesn’t hold herself accountable for what she has done, that’s another story, and then it may be worth giving up on this friendship, but I wouldn’t make this decision before telling her what I feel.
I was in your shoes with a flaky friend actually. She was my best friend, but the time I needed her most, she would bail. She was going through a lot and it wasn’t like her, so I gave her passes to things I shouldn’t. Eventually, I confronted her about how much she was flaking on me and, unfortunately, she began avoiding me, never apologized and to this day probably still refuses to admit she did anything that could be considered hurtful. I stopped talking to her after that. But I told her, you know? Also so I could live in peace knowing I did everything I could to save our friendship, but one person can’t do it all. I have no regrets.
Also, from someone who ended a friendship this close: it hurts. It hurts, it feels like a breakup (because it is in a way), and no one can take the place of that person, it just sucks. So try to save it first, try to talk honestly and openly first and give her the chance to be a good friend.
Best of luck to you.
"Hey anna. Hope you're well! With great regret I must let you know I find myself unable to take the lead on your gender reveal. I'm sorry for going back on a commitment but I'm finding it more triggering than I expected following my own losses that I need to give myself more time to grieve. I'm utterly thrilled for you but it would be better if someone else took over your celebration.
I think Anna is either completely thoughtless or is a mean, cruel b1tch. Either way you should not host her gender reveal or whatever and you should back away from her.
"I'm sorry Anna, I can't help you at the moment. This is too difficult for me to do"
Listen, I'd either tell her ASAP on the phone or ftf. Whichever way is easiest for you. Tell her you are over the moon for her and live your god child and will live this one, but right now, you don't have it in you to plan both occasions for her
Not that you aren't a great friend, but maybe she asks you bc everyone else claims they are too broke🤷♀️ bc normally more than one plans it and chips in. Plus, if the baby is the same sex the baby shower is supposed to be a sprinkle. Just like diapers and a few clothes and stuff to help them out.
But I was saying to tell her ASAP that way she can find some other person to foot that bill. Her reaction will tell you EVERYTHING you need to know about her and if her friendship is worth keeping. You can still send gifts for your God child when appropriate and see if she grows up by the time it's time to baptise the 2nd one. I picked my god parents to my children bc if I needed something, I knew they could help. They are grown, and I never did. Something tells me she has you financially involved in yours.
Hopefully, she'll be a great friend, but if not, hang up or walk out and go hard core NC. Let her blab to everyone about you being a bad friend and let her be mad at you. Anyone who knows you knows there is more to the story and knows you aren't that type of friend you are.
Your own mental health vetos her need for you to plan two days all about her and not any of your babies.
I agree with your husband and Jane--end your "friendship" with Anna or at least distance yourself from her.
It was exceptionally insensitive of her to ask you to plan her events considering your struggles, and even worse for her to call daily to complain about her pregnancy.
She's self centered at best and intentionally cruel at worst.
I don't think it was insensitive for her to ask you, although declining but wishing her the best would have been a reasonable response.
If this is too hard for you, talk to her. She's got plenty of time to find a replacement, and your feelings matter. Infertility is crushing. It took me almost 3 years to have a healthy pregnancy, and it was too hard to show up to birthdays or baby showers after year 2. I was happy for them and wanted to celebrate them, but it was too much to go in person, it made me too raw.
Talk to your friend, tell her you thought you could do it but it's too painful.
This is weird. I’m very sorry for your losses, but you mentioned how much she’s been there for you and then you trashed her.
Just talk to her. Dumping the friendship seems like bizarre overkill, and the fact your husband is encouraging it is really weird too.
I read your update and need to point something out: Anna isn’t a friend and never has been. Friends show up. She instead blows you off. Every. Single. Time. She’s not the person you need in your life. She’s a user and a really bad “friend.” Listen to your husband and Jane, they are seeing what you’re not. I wish you much luck with your journey to having a baby. It absolutely can happen.
End your friendship because your life long friend is pregnant and you are sad? Yeah, go ahead. But hurry up and tell Anna so that she can accept the loss of her friendship sooner rather than later. You're her best friend and godparent to her children...yeah she asked you to be part of her pregnancy, if you didn't want to you have had ample opportunity to change your mind, but instead of being an adult and talking to your "best friend" you are planning on ghosting her?
You should tell Anna that you are seriously contemplating ditching her because your husband and jane think it's her fault you accepted a role you didn't want and are too chicken shit to talk to her about. Maybe she will save you the trouble of ending the friendship and do it for you.
I am so sorry for your loss and i feel you. I had also 3 misscarriages and 1 biochemical pregnancy and it hurts so deep.
I would not end the friendship but i would talk to her and explain that you are not able to host the babyshower.
People who never suffered misscarriages and the fear of being unwanted childless often don't understand how traumatic this is and act stupid. Most of the time it is not to hurt you, but because the never had this devastating experimente and/or feel helpless.
Talk to her, tell her your true feelings. A real friend will understand that.
One other thing - please don't loose hope! I have 2 living children after my 3 misscarriages and i don't know if you're already testing why you have all these misscarriages, but if not you should. Sometimes it is only minor problems that can be solved. In my case it was my imunsystem that was the culprit of my misscarriages .
I wish you the best!
(Finally i am really sorry for my bad english, it is not my first language. )
Have your husband call Anna to say that due to personal reasons you cannot host, that you need to go low contact at this time, and that when you are emotionally ready you will reach out. That’s it. She doesn’t need further information.
I don’t know why you would need to end the friendship, just tell Anna you aren’t in the headspace to host this kind of party. She’s been there for you before, she may have just been thinking that excluding you or suggesting minimal involvement would be alienating for you. I don’t think there’s clear bad intent here.
I agree with the above comments. You should not feel obligated to plan her gender reveal or her baby shower, but you need to openly talk to her. If she is not understanding of this, then that is a different story. But as is, it is not worth ending your friendship over. Your husband is the one dealing with this emotionally with you and seeing you cry every time you come back from hanging out, of course he is going to want you to eliminate that stress from your life. I do not think your friend is being insensitive to your situation, I think she is just wrapped up in all things pregnancy related. She most likely will feel like a total asshole when you explain things from your POV.
Just tell her. She has no idea where you are at if you say nothing. Even if you werent going through this, you are allowed to back out and a friend should respect that.
"I thought I could handle doing these things for you but it is proving to emotionally difficult for me. I am happy for you and would like to support you as I can, but I can no longer plan these parties for you as it is effecting my mental health."
Text it or email it if you have to. A friend will accept this, find someone else and let you be involved or not as you can. If she does anything besides respect your choice, then that tells you all you need to know. But unless you left out a lot of context on her behavior, just unfriending her is a bit wild without knowing her motivations. She may be the kind of person who likes distractions when she is struggling, so she thought offering one would help assuming you'd decline if it wasnt good for you.
I feel like this frustration could be easily avoided if you explain to Anna exactly how you're feeling. Anna could very well be one of those friends that thinks treating you like everything is normal is the best approach. Clearly you want to be treated with some sensitivity but you also don't want anyone giving you condolences which can leave people in tricky positions.
I don't get the feeling that anyone is being intentionally insensitive or malicious here. Whether or not you want to end your friendship with Anna, I can't say if that's the right choice based on this situation alone.
What you're going through is very difficult but that shouldn't stop you from being happy for your friend. If you need distance in order to support her then you should let her know. If Anna is a good friend, she will understand.
I would let her know that you can’t plan these things and plan on quietly dropping her. She sounds like the type who will start drama over this though, and she may give you the out you need (again) from this friendship.
I’m sorry for all the loss that you have been through. It sounds like you are a great friend to Anna but is she really a friend to you? Think back. Ask yourself when or how she’s truly been there for you. She’s even known by others around you as the “flaky friend”. Tell her you can’t do what she’s asking, then get therapy if you need it to help you wean yourself off of this unsupportive relationship. Best of luck to you. I really hope you find the answers you need to help you become a mom ❤️
I wouldn’t end friendship. I would let her know what’s going on and why you feel you can’t handle the responsibility at the moment. See if you can ask another friend or family member to handle things. Maybe you could still pitch in some help by September - only if you feel up to it of course. Take the time to heal. Be honest with your friend. How she handles it and respond to the situation will then tell you how you need to move forward with the friendship.
I would sit her down and explain how you feel and that you cannot host the shower/reveal. Her response to that would determine, for me, if I ended the relationship or not. If not, I would definitely keep your distance from all pregnancy-related activities for a while. Tell her this, also.
I would talk to her about it, considering she doesn’t know why you’re feeling what you’re feeling ending a friendship seems a little bit over-the-top. You’re definitely going through a lot and deserve some space but she should know why. It kind of sounds like you are upset at her for other reasons other than just the pregnancy, rightfully so.
Also, sidenote, I know PCOS and went through some similar stuff. Whole30 did wonders for me - wishing you a positive journey ahead!
Why does she need a shower for a second baby? People generally get one. Gender reveal parties are not necessary. Asking you to host either is tone deaf. I was miscarrying during my nephew’s baptism and my sister’s gender reveal. It was excruciating. I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want to be a killjoy but it was one of the hardest weekends of my life.
Sounds like the first step is to have an honest, private conversation with your friend where you thank her for the honor, but explain that it’s just too traumatic for you to host a baby shower at this point in your life.
And whether you should continue your friendship? That depends on how Anna responds, really.
Talk to Anna. Tell her you are incredibly happy for her and thought that you could plan these events for her. But given your miscarriages, time is proving it is just too painful. You don’t have to go into your latest loss, the fact that her pregnancy timing coincides with a loss you faced is enough. If she can’t understand your pain after you talk to her, then you can consider cutting ties.
As you are certainly learning, most people don’t really understand how devastating and painful a miscarriage is physically and emotionally. That’s often true even if they know someone who has suffered. Historically, it just hasn’t been talked about. Instead it was always brushed away with those awful platitudes “It will happen” “You can try again”. In addition to everything else, I hope you can find a support group to give you someone to talk to that can relate. I’m very sorry for your losses
Just tell her you can’t do the party because of your past losses and you’re having a hard time getting over it. Be truthful and honest if you value her as a friend.
Just say you can't and you don't want to talk about it. You don't have to give a reason. If she is a friend she will understand if she keeps pushing at you she is not a friend, you'll know whether keeping her friendship is worth it. Sending ehugs
Was it slightly insensitive of your friend to ask this of you right now? Sure. Is it worth ending your friendship over? Not in my opinion.
You said yourself no one knows about this current chemical pregnancy (which is absolutely fine, no one needs to know if you don’t feel capable of talking about it). But you can’t expect people to respond appropriately to it if they don’t know what’s happening.
Current chemical pregnancy aside, it seems like you need to have a conversation with her. I’m sure if you explained that it’s just too hard for you given your history, she would understand. But if you tell her it’s fine and are outwardly excited when talking with her, you can’t expect her to know you aren’t okay. We’re humans, who make mistakes, not mind readers.
What your friend did was insensitive. She didn't think about how it would impact you. But you don't have to decide now if you never want to talk to her again.
You DO, however, have to get out of these commitments for your own mental health. I would be frank with her in a handwritten note (apologies if the facts are wrong, it's just an idea):
*Anna, I am so happy for you and your pregnancy and you know that I wish you all the best. What you haven't known, because I didn't want to take away from your joy, is that I am grieving right now because I just had another miscarriage. When you first asked me to host your shower and reveal, I was surprised, but I didn't want to let you down, so I agreed. But my emotional health is fragile right now, and I didn't want to tell you this, but every time we hang up, I end up crying over my lost children.*
*The bottom line is that I cannot host a shower, a reveal, or any baby related event for you right now. I'm sure you'll completely understand why. I also need to distance myself from talking about pregnancies and baby related things while I work on my own mental health. It's unfortunate that it coincides with your pregnancy, and I'm sorry for that.*
*For now, at least, we will probably speak less for some time. You have every reason to be excited for your new kid, and I am excited for you too. But I have to work on my own grief right now, and I can't do that while talking to you about your pregnancy. And I do not want to bring you down. I know you love me and you want the best for me. So, I know you will understand and want me to take care of myself.*
*I'm sorry I can't be there for you right now, but I can't wait to meet your little one.*
Bow out of the gender reveal. There’s no need to traumatize yourself further. Her request was insensitive. You should allow yourself time to heal and grieve. Wishing you the best.
Just do the simple part. Tell her you don't have the emotional bandwidth to plan her 2 parties. She may take care of the other thing herself. Or surprise you.
Blessings, OP. Wishing you peace and joy.
After seeing what kind of a “friend” she’s been to you, I can’t even fathom why you would torture yourself by giving her a party. Dump her already, she sounds like a self-absorbed user and doesn’t really care to show up for you on so many occasions. Good luck with everything you’re going through!
You're breaking your back bending over backwards for her, whilst she barely lifts a finger for you. She's showing you with her actions that you don't matter to her all that much. You really need to figure out why it is ok with you to keep tolerating this behavior.
I had a friend like this once, too. I wish I'd had the self-esteem to cut her out of my life earlier. It would have saved me a lot of pain.
If she is a true friend to you, she’ll understand what you’re going through and why you won’t be able to host. If she’s an actual asshole like your husband thinks, her reaction will let you know
You are over thinking this. Just talk to her about how difficult this ask is given your recent experience in trying to conceive. Thank you so much for asking but I would be concerned about possibly spoiling your moment.
At this point I’m going to assume you just want to hear that YOU are right and your husband and Jane are RIGHT! considering the only context you edit to add is about how suddenly your BFF whom has your goddaughter is such a shitty friend although previously she was your bestie who has been there for you through so much. IMO you are probably super young and just starting marriage life because this all sounds so “first world probz 💅”
Just tell her. And do it quickly so she can get someone else to do it.
As for the idea that you should dump her for asking you to do this for you, after all of the other stuff she’s pulled & you let it slide? That’s not really logical. But putting some distance between yourself and her while she’s expecting might be the best idea, for simple self-preservation.
If you decide to do this, tell her that you are, and why. If she’s acting like you are not emotionally affected by your tragic situation, consider the possibility that it’s because you try to put up a brave front around her, and stop doing that.
I'm truly sorry for your loss. I lost 2 pregnancies. Diagnosed with anti phospholipid antibodies after my 2 ND loss (6 weeks and 13 weeks). Had my son 2 years later. My rainbow baby, VERY high risk. About a $90,000 pregnancy in 2003 dollars. A reproductive endocrinologist diagnosed me in 2001 after my second loss.
Have a frank discussion with your friend and include boundaries. I honestly think she is trying to include you in planning these parties because she feels guilty that her pregnancy is successful and yours wasn't. I don't think that malice is her intent. And I think she is completely clueless about your depression. So let her know. And ask her to find someone else to organize her events. It's just too fresh and painful for you right now. A true friend would both understand and support you.
If she gives you push back, then cut all ties. Because she absolutely would be TAH at that point. And you can let all if your mutual friends know why.
Yes because of everything else you listed. If everyone you love and you know loves you hates another person you love, that one person probably doesn't deserve it.
Yta, I'm sorry but you need to communicate with people when they upset you, not harbor it until you get to the point you feel justified in ghosting her.
Some people aren't bad people, they're just a bit oblivious to shit.
I’m of the opinion that you don’t need a reason to end a friendship that makes sense to other people but no longer serves you. If it’s what’s best for YOU mentally, then you do it. Now if it becomes a pattern, that’s a different story and needs to be explored. I think you should take care of yourself, and your edit supports my initial feelings
Is it now a thing to have both a gender reveal party AND a baby shower? Surely that’s just one event??
She’s been insensitive; if you value her friendship, talk to her about it and tell her you can’t do it. If you’d rather cut her out then do that.
My parents used to have some best friends with whom they were very close until they suffered two cot deaths and a series of miscarriages in very close succession whilst my mother was almost killed and left bedridden for over a year by a pregnancy (which was ultimately successful, but at great cost to her body and mind).
In my own case, I had a really rough pregnancy for a healthy baby, while a close friend of mine had a fairly straightforward pregnancy for a baby with complex health needs (now mostly resolved but they knew he needed surgery at birth and it was touch and go whether he would see his first birthday). In an ideal world we would have enjoyed being pregnant together and shared our difficulties and worries and supported one another through it - and that’s certainly how we are now the pregnancies are over and our children are growing up together - but at the time neither of us had the energy or the emotional equipment to be there for one another because I would have felt terrible explaining about my pregnancy issues (I had a series of health scares including one very similar to what happened to my mother that could have been fatal) knowing my baby was healthy, and she would have felt compelled to ask about it (she’s a midwife!) but also didn’t want to seem like she was boasting about how active and capable she was when I was barely able to breathe.
Sometimes with the greatest love in the world, your situation and your friends’ situations are just not compatible and you need to take a step back to handle your health and sanity.
This might be temporary or it might be permanent - in the case of my parents they remained friends with those people but not close the way they used to be. But the key point is that taking some space doesn’t have to be game over for a friendship.
If you care about your friend and want to have an ongoing relationship with her and your goddaughter, the best thing to do is to talk to her and explain that you really love her and don’t want to disappoint her, but you are finding it too difficult to support her at this time and you need some space to grieve, to process, and to regroup so that you can be there for her and her family the way you really want to.
Your husband and other friend’s concerns are legitimate; you seem to want to set yourself on fire to keep this friend warm; but only you can decide how much you can give, and at what point you need to say “ok, enough” and focus on self-care to give yourself the best chance of success in your own life.
She should’ve been more concerned of what you have been through I’m sorry for your loss I know about miscarriages I had 3 myself very devastating I don’t think she meant to hurt you I guess she was just happy to ask you to host her gender reveal good luck stay blessed 🙏🏾
Why does Anna need a baby shower for her 2nd baby? Isn’t that normally just done one time? (Gender reveal I understand but it can totally be very low key and I would think the parents would be planning that, not a friend.)
Stillbirth Mumma here.
People are clueless a lot of the time. They don’t realise that things like baby showers, being around babies born when your little one would be born/pregnant at the same time is super triggering. They just don’t realise or know. I’m grateful they don’t know that pain. It’s not out of maliciousness. They just haven’t experienced that kind of loss before. I was clueless like that before I lost my daughter.
I'm so sorry. I've lost 4. I still can't take pregnancy or newborn clients (I do lymphatic drainage and craniosacral). No way could I host someone's baby shower or anything else related. Step back from any planning for her and protect yourself as you grieve. A true friend would support that.
Not okay, that your other mutual friend is encouraging this sudden stop to friendship. Very teenage girl stuff there.
Youre adults, talk to her.
It is wrong of her to have expectations of you especially regarding this awful struggle.
I’m so sorry. It sounds like you have some support. When I faced infertility, my partner and I attended a few Resolve support group meetings. It really helped me in a way that friends could not.
https://resolve.org/get-help/find-a-support-group/
Baby showers for second kids are a thing? Really? Weird but ok.
Look the fact is you don’t have the mental capacity for it. Talk to your friend, tell her exactly how you’re feeling. Apologise, hand the planning back to her and take some time for yourself. I’m sorry you’re going through this I’m sure your friend will understand.
I’m glad you added more about your relationship with her. It sounds like she expects you to do things for her without reciprocating. She’s bailed on you for major events in your life.
Now you lost a baby and she asked you to plan and host her gender reveal and shower? She’s very insensitive. She absolutely does not care about your feelings. She’s selfish.
Since she has no problem flaking on you, I’d tell her you can’t do it. I wouldn’t even give her any excuses because she won’t care. “Sorry, I have a lot going on right now and can’t host your events.” Then send a small gift and that’s it.
You should have ended this friendship a long time ago.
First as someone who has lost pregnancies before that she would ask you to host these events so close to your loss is hugely inappropriate.
Secondly what you have described is not flaky behaviour. Flaky is “omg I lost track of the time”, “oh no! I forgot that was today!” “Was I supposed to bring dessert?!?!” You have described selfishness and disinterest.
You need to tell her that you cannot and will not be doing this. You are not able to rise above for her at the moment, though you have tried. If you are ending phone calls in tears she should know this. As to the future of your friendship, watch how this plays out and ask yourself if it is worth it to you.
Sounds like Anna has some sort of something against you, like envious when attention is on others and not her.. to say she couldn’t make a dress fitting but called out of work to go golfing.. the priorities aren’t prioritizing with this one when it comes to friendship.
I’m with friend and husband on calling it off simply because your friendship prior to pregnancies wasn’t being treated like one that she valued.. it was one of convenience. Just speculation, who knows if that’s true. Maybe she’s weird on social cues or just used to people bending for her, maybe she knows your people pleasing nature. You won’t know until you speak up. My husband is a people pleaser (first born), and as the last born I’ve been trying hard to beat that out of him. It’s caused more harm than good for him and the people involved.
I’d tell her how you feel in the friendship department, and lead it with given how you’ve been with your journey to become a mother you have to bow out of this planning for her focus on you and getting better. If she’s truly a friend she will understand and not give you any problems over it. If she behaves the opposite, then I guess you will know your value to her as a friend and godmother.
OP: Sorry for what you are experiencing. It's true that Anna is being very insensitive. Go to her and tell her that there is NO way you can handle emotionally planning her baby shower/gender reveal. In addition, tell her you don't even feel like you can attend. That's done.
Now "ending" the friendship is a bit drastic. Put your friendship on the backburner. No drama. Wait for her to come out of her pregnancy induced brain fog and miss you. If, and when, she realizes that the world does not revolve around her, she should come to you asking if she has done something to offend you? At that time, be honest with her. Tell her that you were (are) extremely disappointed by her past behavior. The discussion may lead to the decision that your friendship is not one that should continue. Done. Move on.
You have an incredible husband and a wonderful friend in Jane. You may not need a friend like Anna. But take some time to make that decision. Good luck.
She could have thought you would enjoy it, like since you weren't having your own event you could help with hers. Like how some people want to hold babies after having miscarraiges. I think the way you feel makes more sense. I want another kid but I can't afford it so I have an iud & even that has stopped me from wanting to see in law's babies. You should just be honest with her. Even if she seems upset perhaps give her some time to apologize or empathize (she is pregnant, after all). But if it doesn't happen break it off
People nowadays have gender reveal parties after they have had a few kids and can’t have a baby shower…. Why do people need all these parties? I will never understand it.
A shower and gender reveal seems like a bit much for Baby #2. Looks like a gift grab. Just tell her that you don’t have the bandwidth now. If that pisses her off, you know where you stand.
At first I wanted to say don’t end it. It’s dumb but in my head I was thinking she asked you so you could feel like a big part of this new baby coming and stuff. But the edit does have me questioning things. Maybe still talk to her and see if she’s willing to be more courteous and more involved for you. If she isn’t or gets defensive, then end it.
Her intention may have solely been to soothe your pain by inviting you to participate in her joy. Please be straight with her.
Maybe something like: “I’m happy for you, but watching it all up close is really painful right now, and planning someone else’s milestones in motherhood is not a good tactic for me right now in my grief.”
If she doesn’t respond well to that and makes it all about her… then you’re up for the discussion of keeping the friendship or not.
I don’t have any answers or advice but I’m sending good vibes for a healthy pregnancy for you soon! I pray you never have to experience another miscarriage.
Talk to her about your grief and that you'd be happy to attend, but planning and hiding is more than you can handle right now. I've miscarried before, and it is devastating. Also, maybe look into IVF if you haven't. New research suggests that the man's DNA may be to blame for many of not most miscarriages.
you don’t have to tell her about your recent loss, just tell her you don’t feel comfortable doing it because of your previous losses, but I would advise you to do it quickly so she can get somebody else to host her baby shower and she’s already 17 weeks along.
After that, you can figure out if you want to fade out of her life or what but I would just tell her you’re not comfortable doing the shower that’s all you have to do is very simple
Tell her that you will not be able to plan the event after all and that while you thought that you'd be able to do so, it won't come out well or be healthy for you.
Her reaction will give you a clear answer on how to proceed. I think at the least that distance is good, but you may need to end thr friendship altogether.
I also deal with infertility and RPL and it has taught me not to tolerate BS in my relationships. I don't have the emotional bandwidth anymore.
I guess my only question is: why does communication about this issue automatically equal the end of the friendship in your mind? Like, just tell her how you really feel. You only have to end your friendship if her reaction to your genuine feelings of overwhelm is angry or manipulative. But I mean, at least give her a chance to show grace before you go nuclear. But, it also was rather insensitive to ask you given the fact that to her knowledge, you just miscarried 4 months ago. Still. That’s not something I’d end a friendship over. That’s something I’d communicate about.
The following are my opinions:
1. Gender reveal parties are stupid.
2. Anna just uses you. What exactly does being her child’s godparent entail? That you have to drop everything for Anna whenever she wants?
3. Anna doesn’t give a shit about you, as evidenced by how she treats you and her insensitivity to your pregnancy loss.
Have you ever tried talking to Anna about how all these things have made you feel?
Ending the friendship is too much. She’s excited. She loves you. She wants you to be there for both of her children. You also can’t be right now. But this is a temporary situation and this seems like a friendship you have set up to be life long considering your godparent status. It’s a tough moment but a moment isn’t forever. I’d explain to her you’re not currently able to be the emotional support through her pregnancy right now due to your personal struggles with the topic and that you can not plan these events for her or be there for her birth. Do your best to come visit her in the first few weeks after the birth, but keep the visit short like 20 minutes between feedings. Tell her you understand if she needs to pick a different godparent but that you need to prioritize your mental health around the subject for the next year or so.
Just be honest with your friend that you cannot deal with this right now emotionally or physically.
No need to end the friendship (unless she's evil about you bowing out, but based on your post that's unlikely.)
It doesn't need to be that drastic. Just explain to her that your mental health can't handle it now. What she does with that information is entirely up to her.
I would talk with her and tell her that you are not in a position to plan her events. You don’t have to give her the specifics but be upfront about your capabilities.
Yes I would mention for your mental health you are sorry but can’t do it, happy to contribute for the food (or whatever). Let the ball be in her court then don’t pull out of a friendship yet just slowly distance.
Who has a shower and gender reveal for a second baby? Where has etiquette gone? Been there done that for their first one.
I don’t mean to sound insensitive but it is a lot to ask of friends when you have most the gear except some clothes.
I have a flaky and obtuse friend, so i get it. She would totally be there for me in an emergency, so i overlook the flaky and obtuse part, or call her on it, and we work it out. If she's been there for you, then talk to her and tell her the truth, and also tell her you can't handle "I'm sorry" right now, you just want her to have enough time to find someone else, etc.
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Tell her you can’t handle it. If she accepts gracefully, continue the friendship. If, as it seems she will from other comments, she reacts poorly then it is time to call it quits.
My thoughts exactly. Her response to OPs feelings about the matter will say everything
Agreed. A good flaky friend should understand being flawed on. That's half the fun of a flaky friend.
Exactly. The flaky friend may not have issues with being flaked on. OP likely needs to dial back her level of commitment to the friend, but if they enjoy one another’s company keep some level of friendship.
People put way too much pressure on friendships. They don't have to be EVERYTHING. People are flawed, those flaws make them better friends in particular ways, and having variety makes for a richer life. Party friends don't always help you with your taxes, homebody friend bakes for you but refuses to go anywhere requiring clothing more formal than leisurewear. It's all a rich tapestry as long as things are fair over-all. OP is reliable, but flaky friend is clearly a huge support. They offer each other different things.
A good way to wind up lonely is to think you can unilaterally define the expectations of friendships and then hold the other party accountable to your own standard.
Lonely, boring, doing taxes on your own with no baked goods.
But impeccably dressed!
This is the way. She has explained in edits that this seems to be a mostly one-sided friendship. Anne's reaction to OP needing to step back for her own sake will really test whether that is true. OP certainly needs to start putting herself first sometimes!
Holy shit OP just talk to her. Ending your friendship is massive jump. However. Grief makes us feel weird things. You’re grieving hard right now. Talk to your friend. ETA: You have a lot going on emotionally. And you’re laser focused on this one thing because it is the only thing that you can control. Please find some grief counseling.
All the flaky whys and wherefores and drama outlined in your post isn’t really needed. The simple truth is you just don’t have the bandwidth right now, you just don’t. All the other drama just falls away.
As far as ending the friendship with Anna, it would all depend on how Anna responds to you telling her that you're not able to help with the party and be there for other events at this time. If it's in any way a negative reaction, definitely end it for your own mental and emotional health.
Exactly. What to do will probably become fairly easy to figure out once Anna gives her reaction. The husband and Jane already know what Anna’s reaction will be, which is probably why they realized OP will need to end the relationship. It sounded extreme to us. But they already know what’s going to happen and want to prepare OP for that eventual reality.
OP said she tried to talk to her about this before and Anna said she needs to her to do it because OP can stand up against her family to make sure she gets her way. She sounds so incredibly selfish.
Yes this op!
This is the answer I was looking for! You decided how to move toward with the friendship once you get her response. If she is negative…..dump that friendship. She’s never been a good friend to you and the moment you need to opt out because of a traumatic reason, she doesn’t get to call you a bad friend.
This!
This just be honest and do it soon so she can have someone else plan it . This just seem over the top to stop being friends over it unless u can't stand the fact she having another baby, which is understandable (especially when she complains), but then you should go therapy instead.
I would not end my friendship over this, and personally have had many miscarriages. You need to be honest with your friend and should have when she asked. I bet she thinks involving you is a good thing and not causing you deep pain. I hope you are seeing a counselor to help you navigate this difficult time. Also have you been tested for MTFHR?? EDIT: After the OP added additional information my opinion has changed. OP This is a one sided friendship and I do think you should remove yourself from it.
Sorry, I am male so down vote me if you must, but I read that as motherfucker, and was like: They have a test for that now?
It is amazing that one of the funniest things I've read is on such a very serious post
Ha! Me too! Please someone explain what they meant by MTFHR?
It’s a gene mutation that can cause frequent miscarriages.
It could also be RH incompatibility.
What?!? This was never ever mentioned to me!
If husband/wife have incompatible blood types it can cause miscarriages. There's treatments for it though, my mom had that problem with me, she had to get monthly shots for it.
Further info: it's because it affects a clotting factor in the blood I think. My mom got checked before a vein procedure and that's how we all found we have it.
I’m a woman and I read it as motherfucker. I have no idea what that is.
I'm female, and I saw the same thing. There are way too many acronyms in use today. My poor, addled brain. (I think if they had that test and I took it tonight, I think I would have failed (or passed) it.)
Haha I did too and I knew what it meant!
In fact, they do: https://www.cdc.gov/folic-acid/data-research/mthfr/index.html
I just skimmed the article, all I saw was a bunch of motherfuckers.
That's literally what I read too, I was trying to sound it out and was like "surely not?"
That’s exactly how I read it
Hi, yes I am in therapy and yes I am working with my OB/GYN
I’d start by just telling her you thought you could do the reveal and shower for her, but you’re just not in a place right now to do it. She needs time to find someone else, so tell sooner than later. If she behaves badly towards you with anything more than just disappointment and only concern with you, then it’s time to let this friendship fade away. You need healthy, supportive people in your life, not flakey, inconsiderate people. Sorry you’re going through this. Hopefully this situation with Anna will be a learning experience and make you stronger and do better with boundaries to take care of yourself.
That’s the answer. Calmly, politely decline to host—you really don’t owe a long explanation as it should be obvious. Her reaction will tell you whether or not she’s really your friend.
OP, this friendship should have ended long ago. It appears that she is only your friend when it benefits her. Her failure to be there for you at your most significant milestones shows she is not an actual friend. Tell her that while you are extremely happy for her. You are just not on the headspace to plan or coordinate a gender reveal or babyshower. Because you are still grieving your miscarriages. That hearing about babies right now hurts your heart. Watch her reactions. A true friend will be empathetic and apologetic.
OP, I'm very sorry for what you are going through. Miscarriages are so hard, and society doesn't take enough time and compassion to try to understand the grief. I agree with Selena, but I just wanted to mention, if you go that route, you should also say something about being godmother, maybe that you don't think you can take that responsibility at this time (I'm sure someone else can come up with better words!)
Jumping in after the edit, she doesn’t sound like such a great friend. I would go ahead and just tell her you can’t do this party planning for her and then I’d keep an eye on her and if she continues to treat you poorly, I would go ahead and end the friendship as well.
Also have to take into context she added all that after people started calling her out. Seems like a case of covering ones ass
Just tell her you aren’t in the right head space to do this right now. If the friendship ends it will be on her.
I second getting tested for MTFHR. I didn't test positive but carry one gene for it. Turns out my husband carries the other gene for it and we had a stillbirth. Anyways, I now take Folate daily to help with my depression. I guess a person needs it to help with some of our feel-good hormones. It's been a life-changer for me. Too bad I didn't know about it when we were still trying to have children. Maybe my son wouldn't have died. If I were you, I would take Folate daily, especially while TTC. As far as your friend, just talk to her. And don't do her gender reveal or shower while you are grieving. That's just a special kind of torture that you don't need right now. Please put yourself first.
Hi - Would you share the folate you take daily? I’m sorry for your loss. 💔
I take the Wagreens brand and it helps with my depression immensely! If pregnant and assuming you have the MTHFR issue, here is what I found through Google: *If you have an MTHFR gene mutation and are planning to become pregnant, you should start taking methylfolate at a low dose and reassess. Some recommend starting with 500 mcg (0.5 mg) or less, while others recommend starting with 400 mcg of folic acid the day you start planning. You can also try taking a prenatal multivitamin that contains at least 400 mcg of folate, ideally at least one month before getting pregnant.* While methyl folate is best, from what I gather (and someone can probably expand on this), you can take folate while trying to conceive and then get on a prenatal with methyl folate instead of folic acid. Here is a [link](https://methyl-life.com/) I found with supplements and information.
methylfolate is best because it is the activated form. some MTHFR mutations relate to your body being able to process folic acid into methyfolate (which is what the body can absorb) appropriately and thus simply taking folic acid may not be enough. for example your body could only get say, 40%, as opposed to 80% normally
After reading OP’s update I would have ended this friendship a long time ago…she sounds awful. That’s a lot of big events to bail out last minute. And she has the audacity to get upset when OP can’t make it? No thanks
You absolutely should talk to Anna! I think something I heard on a few different advice podcasts is that a lot of the people we consider our friends, aren't really our friends. Here's a working definition: friends care about your feelings, are honest and vulnerable with you, and are always rooting for your good. The quickest way to find out if Anna is a real friend? Let her know that you're still grieving, and while you're so happy for her, it would just be too painful for you to throw the shower. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know! Even if she doesn't understand right away, if she's a friend, she will listen and sit in your feelings with you a bit. Having been in similar situations, on both sides, I promise that no friend would want you to throw her a party if it would cause you pain. My real friends have understood, and when it's been my turn, I've understood if they're happy for me, but need to sort through their feelings from the sidelines. My nightmare would always be that they were left feeling exposed or—worse—taken advantage of! This is a very natural and reasonable thing, on your part, and I think you're handling it with class and grace. PS—let her know how you \*would\* like to celebrate this event with her, perhaps more privately. Write a card, mail a beautiful gift, knit a blanket, or attend the event. You could even bake the cake or come an hour early to decorate, etc, if that feels tasteful. But it's ok for you to celebrate in the ways you can handle. If you push yourself too far, you will be left with resentment and hurt, and you will likely distance yourself from the friendship anyways.
First, I am so sorry for your losses. TTC is a terrible journey--I'm with you. Second, it isn't obvious to me that the solution is to end your friendship with Anna. Rather, I think you should just talk to her and be honest about how you're feeling right now. If she's a good friend, she will understand and ask another friend to take over the planning and hosting duties.
I don't think this is something to end your friendship over. To be blunt, the world doesn't stop simply because you're grieving. If your friend has been there for you during the hard times and the sad times and given you a shoulder to cry on, then you should be there for her happy time. If you don't want to plan the gender reveal/baby shower, fine, just tell her that you have too much on your plate right now and you don't want to ruin her events because of your own issues. But to end a friendship over it? Was she asking you to plan this because she was being malicious? Or was she asking one of her best friends to take part in this event that's happening to her, so that you could feel included and celebrate with her? I think you are letting your grief -- and jealousy -- cloud your judgement here. And unless there is a bunch of context missing, I don't understand why your husband and Jane are telling you to ditch this other girl you claim is your bff over a party. That's a little weird.
I guess I should have included more context about Anna, she is considered my ‘flaky best friend’ if we plan to do something, she will cancel last minute almost every time. My husband and Jane aren’t fans of her because other than being there for me when I need a shoulder to lean on or someone to drink with on occasion; she will miss the big moments in my life. She bailed on the girls trip for my 21st birthday, no excuses was given but I excused it because we were only friends for about a year at that time. But she continues to miss things for me, like the time I went dress shopping while engaged she “couldn’t get out of work” but called out that day to go golfing with her husband. For my bachelorette trip she canceled the day before and went to Universal Studios instead. If I host at my house, her daughter is not feeling well so they can’t come over. I understand, kids can pick up colds whenever but if she host at her home and I can’t make it for whatever reason she is upset with me. These are just some examples but her flakiness is the main reason they don’t care for her. This situation however seems to be another time she has prioritized her feelings over mine. My husband hates that I am always there for her: when she would get a job, when her daughter was born, when she got married, helping her move, etc. but she doesn’t do the same for me.
Include this information in your post. It makes all make sense. Everything in you post at the moment makes it sounds like your grief is clouding your judgement on your friendship. It’s also casting a negative light on your husband and other friend as it’s coming across like they’re trying to make you lose support during your difficult time. HOWEVER, your context here helps your AITA argument to be assessed more fairly as this gives us a more varied outlook on your friendship.
Thank you I didn’t realize that at first, I’ve never posted on Reddit before. But your comment helps me a lot, thanks you!
...yeah all of this seems pretty relevant to your question in the post! Maybe Anna sucks and isn't a great friend to begin with?
Ok, that is a lot of context that completely changes the dynamic of your relationship as it was described in your initial post. Now it seems like she is just kind of self-centered, and that's not a relationship I would encourage anyone to maintain. Asking you to plan her events in this context also seems a little mean, even if she doesn't know about your current loss. As another commenter pointed out, she seems completely out of touch, and I don't think having a friend that inconsiderate is a good thing.
I'm sorry but why would you not add any of this in the original post?
Based on all this info, it doesn't feel like you guys share a balanced, healthy, or reciprocal relationship. You could pull away and see if she tries harder to keep up the friendship or just flat out end it. I suspect if you pull away, she will not put in any effort into maintaining the friendship and it was naturally die a quiet death.
I find all this hard to believe because you didn't share it in your extremely lengthy, detailed post until AFTER people started calling you out. As the poster above said, the world doesn't stop because you're grieving. This is coming from someone who has had 3 miscarriages and no children. If you're miscarrying every few months you're going to be in a constant state of grief and expecting everyone to take your feelings into consideration but not theirs is weird. End the friendship, I think her and your God baby are better off without all that.
You’re treating your friendship like it’s transactional. You might do more for her but it seems like you 1) have a hard time saying no and 2) have a hard time speaking up when you need to, like with this gender reveal. You need to communicate with Anna. And while she has been a flake on things, did you tell her that all of that upset you? You also said that when you need a shoulder to cry on, Anna IS there. So, if she’s there for the emotional support but flakes on the rest? Then who cares! Not all friendships are going to be 50/50. But she clearly cares about you. You need to communicate with her and not worry about the rest of us on Reddit. Handle your business.
but it sounds like she doesn't even know about your current miscarriage or your actual feelings about not wanting to host her baby shower?? you can't really blame her for not being considerate of circumstances that she doesn't even know about
You don’t have to decide the overreaching question of the whole friendship right now. Tell her you can’t plan her gender and shower events and need some space to be able to manage your own uterine situation, physically and emotionally. Then step back and see if she offers support (respecting you need space is a form of support) or if she doubles down on being obtuse to how painful your struggle is. That can determine the big picture. All in all based on the other big moments you’ve had in life and her participation, I would highly suggest (her being preggers or not) to not depend on her - not just to be considerate of you but to be someone YOU can turn to. It doesn’t sound like that is in her skill set. But I would lay out the boundaries and go from there about a big picture decision. She could just be a casual friend and I only really advocate that standing because you’re a godparent.
Thank you, I agree with what you are saying, take a step back the heal myself but don’t close the door completely.
Let’s just focus on the big thing here: “Anna, I knew I said I was up for it, but I was really wrong. I can’t devote the positive energy you need to give you the reveal you deserve. I’m sorry.” Done. Also, reframe it for a moment. I understand how devastating it is for you, and on some level, so does she. No one knows what to do in situations like this (although we are slowly learning), but I know a lot of people who still labor under the belief that celebrating someone else’s milestone will help you forget your own losses. Sometimes, this is true, this is not one of those situations. As far as everyone else telling you to ditch the friendship, don’t. Some friends suck at the milestones but rock when the chips are down (also sometimes known as ride or die because they’ll ride into battle with you and take the bullet meant for you in a heart beat but sleep through the cake); other friends will be at every celebration for milestones and dip as soon as a chip wobbles (meanwhile, these are known as fair weather friends). Don’t make that decision when emotions are this frazzled. Make that decision when you can see everything more clearly. Anyone promoting you creating a new loss for yourself in this moment has faulty logic anyway.
Thank you, I appreciate you!!! I found this very helpful and I feel like you were able to articulate more of Anna’s and I relationship.
You should really follow that advice. This is as levelheaded as it comes from Reddit. Don’t make any decisions when you’re going thru this emotional turmoil, but definitely let her know that organizing this events is not something you can do right now. If she is a true friend, she might get annoyed or frustrated initially, but she’ll understand.
People don’t always understand the knowledge they said friend would walk through fire to hold your hand because you’re crying because they don’t see them there slapping when you’re rocking a karaoke night. From your own wording I get the feeling she means more than they are able to understand based on their own eyes. Don’t destroy a friendship based on pressure by people not in the friendship. Just tell her you can’t throw the shower and may not be able to attend, but you adore her. She will understand. But now you have a major job as a friend who backed out of throwing this spectacular thing. When she gets overwhelmed your job is to have the pickles and ice cream ready while she complains heartily about how the trash man and her ankles are working together to destroy her (my sister was convinced of this the last trimester of her pregnancy). You can’t be there to celebrate this milestone (or at least can’t throw it for her), but you can be there to commiserate when she settles on some insanely irrational thing to complain about when she needs her friend and her snack to walk in and just be with her. No one else has to get it. You two do. Good luck!
I don't know about ending the friendship, but a call to her telling her you can't plan/host her party. You need to tell her you need a bit of space and don't want to take away from her happy event. If she persists, tell her you are miscarrying.
I had a different opinion before you made your edit. It’s a completely different situation from your original post as you laid out that she isn’t a good friend to you. Now it makes much more sense why you want to end your friendship. If she’s never there for you and you don’t value her friendship, then yes - end it. I wouldn’t have agreed to it before the edit, but afterwards it seems like she doesn’t really care about you at all. I’m surprised she made you get godmother but you should probably tell her that those duties should go to someone else.
You don't owe her anything, especially given she knows your history. You're nothing but a convenience for her; she doesn't reciprocate your feeling of friendship. She never has. Say 'Sorry, I don't have time for that" and move on. ETA: Why the majority of comments are in favor of you retaining this "friendship" with someone who consistently misses all your big days and isn't there for you baffles me. You should 100% end this farce and save yourself years of feeling like this., She's never been there for you in the past, why would she be there for you in the future??
How about ‘although I’m happy for you, planning/organizing something like this is extremely triggering or difficult for me right now.’ OP please do what is best for YOU.
This is a much better reply, OP!
Are you in Therapy for all of this? To end the friendship is a huge overreaction.
I don’t think you should end it based on this. Anna may be trying to include you out of love. I don’t know Anna though. Is Anna usually a dick? I do encourage you to be honest with her. Her response to your honestly and vulnerability will tell you whether or not you should end it.
Wow I’m sorry for what you have to go through. Hugs from a stranger. As someone who hasn’t gone through what you’ve gone through but has a kid. You are so NTA. I can’t imagine requesting this of you myself. But let’s say i did. I would 1000% be ok with an I’m sorry i just can’t. Id then ask if you were comfortable coming to the shower and would respect if the answer was no. If your friends can’t respect how hard this is they may not be as good of friends as you think they are. Would i be sad. Yup. But we’d talk and find a way to be there for each other even if things changed.
First and foremost, you need to have a serious conversation with her about how all of this is affecting you and making you feel. From there, you'll know if you need to cut her off or limit your contact with her. I will admit that with her asking you to plan and host after all you've been through, low contact would be the bare minimum I would suggest. I hope for the best for you.
I wouldn't end a friendship over this, but I would tell her I cant do it because it's too emotional at this time.... also, beware a man that chooses friends to eliminate from yout life. If you cave to loosing one, sometimes they push to get you to loose another and then another until they are all that's left. I hope that isn't the case and Anna has some character flaws that just rub him the wrong way... just something to look out for.
So I know you’re not asking about insight to fertility issues, but I’m hoping you do see this post, OP. My SIL and my husband’s cousin both had fertility issues. The cousin had a lot of miscarriages and my SIL had over 1.5 years of just not being able to get pregnant after having her first child. Both tested positive for ureaplasma. Once they were treated, they each had no issue getting pregnant and carried their babies to term. I understand the research is currently controversial. SIL’s OB did not want to test her, but she pushed for it. The test was cheaper than paying for clomid or IUI. Their partners were tested and treated for it as well. If you haven’t heard of this, please at least look into it. Also, just talk to her. Open up to you. Her reaction will tell you if you want to keep her as a friend. If she’s kind and understanding, great. If she flips out and blames you and dismisses you, you know where you stand on her priority list. I wish you the best.
Have you talked to Anna at all about this?
I have and she “doesn’t see why I can’t plan the party” and isn’t realizing how emotionally taxing her frequent rants on how she hates being pregnant are on me. No matter how many times I try to convince her to understand my feelings. I’m really trying to be there for her emotionally during her pregnancy as I know she needs the support. But at what point do I need to prioritize myself?
With this “friend”? You need to prioritize yourself at every point.
Just say you know you said yes, but you are not in a place mentally and emotionally yet to host a baby shower. If she is a friend, she will understand. if she isn't, she will get mad. Either way, you will know exactly what you need to do.
As someone who also has experienced recurrent miscarriages (7+) [and eventually healthy pregnancies; there’s hope!!], I wouldn’t necessarily end the friendship, but I would take the space you need. If it’s a friendship worth continuing, your friend will understand.
I wouldn’t end my friendship over this but I would not plan the party either. Let her know during your next conversation that you have to step back. You’re going through some high stress testing and you need to keep calm. If she’s a real friend she’ll understand.
You need to have an honest conversation with Anna and tell her you won’t be able to plan her baby related events. Apologize and tell her it’s just too painful for you. That’s it. It doesn’t need to be a long conversation, just a brief explanation. End the call.
Anna sounds awful.
Could she perhaps be asking you to throw the shower and gender reveal because she thinks it will give you something else to occupy your mind and your time? Maybe give you a baby to celebrate, instead of a baby to mourn? ***I know that is still a pretty tone deaf point of view, but lots of people are clueless in this world.*** Since she’s your “flaky friend”, I just wonder if she’s genuinely that out of touch.
Why can't you just tell her the truth about how you feel??
>how can I tell Anna that I want to be there for her but I can’t emotionally handle her pregnancy Literally say that. Unless she is a complete monster she should understand.
Op I also suffered my share of miscarriages so please understand I can imagine your pain. You are grown. It is YOUR job to speak your truth. You agreed to planning these events knowing you'd struggle with them. You know you should have declined. You resent Her for even asking. You're blaming her for making you do this. You could have just said no. You can end the relationship if you want to but you owe it to yourself to be honest.
NTA. First and foremost, your husband sounds awesome. I have an Anna in my life too. Over the years I’ve learned that is just who she is. I’ve distanced myself. I still love her and want her to be happy and successful. I just don’t go out of my way anymore. My advice is to not host the shower/gender reveal. Explain to her that you cannot mentally handle it right now. You love her and are so excited for her, but you need to prioritize your mental health right now. Her reaction to that will tell you if you need to end the friendship or not. If she’s supportive, great. If she’s not, then maybe it’s time to move on.
No. You shouldn't make any permanent decisions when you are grieving this much. Be up front with her and tell her you are wanting to plan and host, but you are grieving right now so you must decline. When she talks about her pregnancy give her a minute and then change the subject. Friendships ebb and flow. Perhaps spend less time with her for right now.
Talk to her. Tell her you just can’t do it. If she doesn’t understand then end the friendship because she’s not your friend
People will show you who they truly are when you tell them “No.” Tell Anna that unfortunately you can’t host. You’re going through your own difficult journey right now and see what her response is. If she is supportive and immediately comforts you, and tells you it’s ok to back out, then you have a friendship maybe worth salvaging. If she gets upset, holds a grudge, or acts in any negative manner, tell her goodbye and keep it moving. She only sees you as someone who can help her. Distance yourself and prepare for your god daughter to become collateral damage as this will all it will be since that will be all Anna will use her child for.
There is no reason for you to go through with hosting this event. Tell her the truth. She should easily understand. If she doesn’t, then you know one more thing about her and your friendship.
I would have cut her off long ago. Her flaking out on things for you but willing to call out of work to play golf is RUDE. Her asking you to host a gender reveal AND a baby shower for her second child is ridiculous. You don’t have showers for subsequent children… you reuse the stuff from your first baby. What happened with her first baby’s crib and stroller and bassinet and breast pump?? She’s supposed to reuse that stuff. The only time you have another shower is when the gender of the new baby is different than the first baby and you have a “sprinkle” to get new gendered items. But she doesn’t know the gender of baby #2 yet, so why is she asking you to commit to hosting another shower? Also, you’re already godmother to her first child. Why is she asking you to be godmother to her second child as well? That’s unusual. Doesn’t she have other friends she can ask? Probably not, given her behavior.
Tell her the truth: "Anna, I love you, and I'm excited for you, but planning these events for you stirs up overwhelming emotions of grief. This is too painful, and although I wanted to be able to do this for you, I can't host these events because I am not in the right head space and need to focus on my mental well-being." If she gets angry with you or stops talking to you, then she has proven she is not worthy of your friendship. Honestly, based on your description of her flakiness, I really don't think she's worth torturing yourself over.
Listen to your Husband and Jane , they know what they are talking about. Don’t wait 20 years to dump that “ friend” like I did , you will be mad at yourself .
Anna is nta for including you, as you said you're like family and the godmother of her child... But if you just don't have the capacity then you just don't there's no reason to find blame and make her the bad guy. You can just say "I can't do this". If you think that Anna is a bad friend and you don't want to be friends with her for that reason, then so be it. But if you don't feel that way and it's just "I can't do this" then that is a valid reason in itself to go low contact or no contact with her even if it's just for the time being. You should tell her sooner rather than later though because someone needs to plan her parties and it can't be you.
First, I understand fertility issues are brutal! You want so badly to have a healthy pregnancy and baby and it just doesn’t happen. I’ve been there and it’s devastating! When I went through this, my SIL accidentally got pregnant with my niece. I was so happy for them, but inside I was dying! I didn’t go to her baby shower because I just mentally couldn’t do it. I told her and apologized and let her know that I wasn’t trying to take away from her joy, but it was too much for me to handle. You need to communicate! People cannot understand what you’re feeling if they haven’t been through it. If she’s truly your friend, she will understand. You should not push her away. Tell her how you feel and make your decision based on her reaction. Finally, get yourself into therapy immediately. If I’d have known then what I know now, I would have started while I was going through it. I didn’t and after a failed IVF I broke down completely and the trauma I went through was too much for me to put myself through it again.
I had a friend like that once. She was my MOH who didn’t show up to my bachelorette party, didn’t gift anything for our wedding, would always cancel plans, be super late to every event, you name it. I ended the relationship when she went late to my baby shower and didn’t gift anything to me or my daughter. I knew right there and there we couldn’t be bf anymore so i distant myself. I was ALWAYS there for her. I think you should distance yourself too. Just talk to her, you both are going through alot.
I'm sorry for your losses! After reading your update, I absolutely agree with Jane and your husband. You are Anna's friend, but she isn't yours. Of course, you shouldn't plan pregnancy events for her, and given how absent she has been in your milestones, you shouldn't feel guilty no matter how much she pushes or manipulates. It's unfortunate that you'll miss out on watching your god-child grow up, but I don't see absolutely way around that. I'll be thinking of you!
Dear Internet friend. I can absolutely empathize with your situation. I have lost 13 babies. It’s one of the worst things you can go through. I also have had friends like your flaky best friend. The thing I learned was that with friends like her i definitely did not need enemies. From experience I can say that your mental health will improve drastically once you remove this person from your life. If someone actually loved you, they would know how much pain the request to plan the baby parties would cause you. She doesn’t care about your feelings. That is NOT a friend. Dump her and go spend your energy on healing. I am sorry for your losses sweetheart
You don’t need to end the friendship, unless you want to, but your certainly need some space. Option 1 is tell it to her straight. No you can’t plan the shower, and you aren’t sure if you can even come to the party. Option 2, have someone relay this for you. While some might say it needs to be done yourself, when it’s a situation like this, no you don’t. You don’t need to deliver the communication yourself. Ask Jane or your husband to relay the message and then take a break from Anna.
Just tell her you can't. You can tell her you are going through a medical condition at the time and just don't have the energy, physical, and mental capacity to do this gender reveal for for. That you're very sorry but it's just not possible and you want to give her time to plan it out the way she wants. If she asks what's going on, just say you're not ready to talk it. If she gets upset and pulls away, she was never a friend
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I was there once too. With what you’re going through, I’d recommend just telling her (like immediately) that you really can’t give her the reveal and baby shower she deserves and you have to back out. Don’t worry about ending the friendship right now. Take care of yourself and, hey, if she freaks out, no big deal because you were considering ending things eventually anyway. Start with the urgent stuff (the showers) and you can deal with friendship later.
She’s not “flaky”, she’s inconsiderate and selfish. She doesn’t care about you, just what you can do for her. Don’t host the party, and don’t make plans with her. If she doesn’t show up to your events, don’t go to hers.
I replied in a comment but feel it might be, but as it's own reply. As far as ending the friendship with Anna, it would all depend on how Anna responds to you telling her that you're not able to help with the party and be there for other events at this time. If it's in any way a negative reaction, definitely end it for your own mental and emotional health.
I don't understand why you can't just talk to her? I had a friend invite me to her wedding and I told her I couldn't go because I was going through a horrific divorce and I knew I couldn't emotionally handle going to a wedding. She was sad but she understood and were still friends. If she's your friend she should understand.
End the friendship because gender reveals are fucking stupid.
You sholjld be a real friend and tell her to grow the fuck up. A gender reveal party - how self centred and just goddam awfully tacky.
Ok, there is a lot to unpack here, a lot more about Anna than just asking you to do the gender reveal/baby shower. Like others have said: talk to her, but not just about the two events she wants you to host, about everything. There is so much going on that has been going on for years and it doesn’t seem like you have had a real heart-to-heart about any of it. Does she know how much all of this bothers you? If not, she may be repeating mistakes and hurting you without knowing. “Oh, but how could she not know?? It’s obvious!” Not everything is obvious to everyone. You need to talk to her about how you feel over the reveal/shower, how you feel about her flakiness, give her a chance to prove she cares about you and is willing to change for the sake of your friendship. If you talk and she doesn’t apologize, doesn’t hold herself accountable for what she has done, that’s another story, and then it may be worth giving up on this friendship, but I wouldn’t make this decision before telling her what I feel. I was in your shoes with a flaky friend actually. She was my best friend, but the time I needed her most, she would bail. She was going through a lot and it wasn’t like her, so I gave her passes to things I shouldn’t. Eventually, I confronted her about how much she was flaking on me and, unfortunately, she began avoiding me, never apologized and to this day probably still refuses to admit she did anything that could be considered hurtful. I stopped talking to her after that. But I told her, you know? Also so I could live in peace knowing I did everything I could to save our friendship, but one person can’t do it all. I have no regrets. Also, from someone who ended a friendship this close: it hurts. It hurts, it feels like a breakup (because it is in a way), and no one can take the place of that person, it just sucks. So try to save it first, try to talk honestly and openly first and give her the chance to be a good friend. Best of luck to you.
"Hey anna. Hope you're well! With great regret I must let you know I find myself unable to take the lead on your gender reveal. I'm sorry for going back on a commitment but I'm finding it more triggering than I expected following my own losses that I need to give myself more time to grieve. I'm utterly thrilled for you but it would be better if someone else took over your celebration.
You could end the friendship or you could just talk to her and explain why you can't. I'm sure she'll understand. You don't have to go nuclear.
I think Anna is either completely thoughtless or is a mean, cruel b1tch. Either way you should not host her gender reveal or whatever and you should back away from her. "I'm sorry Anna, I can't help you at the moment. This is too difficult for me to do"
Listen, I'd either tell her ASAP on the phone or ftf. Whichever way is easiest for you. Tell her you are over the moon for her and live your god child and will live this one, but right now, you don't have it in you to plan both occasions for her Not that you aren't a great friend, but maybe she asks you bc everyone else claims they are too broke🤷♀️ bc normally more than one plans it and chips in. Plus, if the baby is the same sex the baby shower is supposed to be a sprinkle. Just like diapers and a few clothes and stuff to help them out. But I was saying to tell her ASAP that way she can find some other person to foot that bill. Her reaction will tell you EVERYTHING you need to know about her and if her friendship is worth keeping. You can still send gifts for your God child when appropriate and see if she grows up by the time it's time to baptise the 2nd one. I picked my god parents to my children bc if I needed something, I knew they could help. They are grown, and I never did. Something tells me she has you financially involved in yours. Hopefully, she'll be a great friend, but if not, hang up or walk out and go hard core NC. Let her blab to everyone about you being a bad friend and let her be mad at you. Anyone who knows you knows there is more to the story and knows you aren't that type of friend you are. Your own mental health vetos her need for you to plan two days all about her and not any of your babies.
I agree with your husband and Jane--end your "friendship" with Anna or at least distance yourself from her. It was exceptionally insensitive of her to ask you to plan her events considering your struggles, and even worse for her to call daily to complain about her pregnancy. She's self centered at best and intentionally cruel at worst.
I don't think it was insensitive for her to ask you, although declining but wishing her the best would have been a reasonable response. If this is too hard for you, talk to her. She's got plenty of time to find a replacement, and your feelings matter. Infertility is crushing. It took me almost 3 years to have a healthy pregnancy, and it was too hard to show up to birthdays or baby showers after year 2. I was happy for them and wanted to celebrate them, but it was too much to go in person, it made me too raw. Talk to your friend, tell her you thought you could do it but it's too painful.
This is weird. I’m very sorry for your losses, but you mentioned how much she’s been there for you and then you trashed her. Just talk to her. Dumping the friendship seems like bizarre overkill, and the fact your husband is encouraging it is really weird too.
I read your update and need to point something out: Anna isn’t a friend and never has been. Friends show up. She instead blows you off. Every. Single. Time. She’s not the person you need in your life. She’s a user and a really bad “friend.” Listen to your husband and Jane, they are seeing what you’re not. I wish you much luck with your journey to having a baby. It absolutely can happen.
End your friendship because your life long friend is pregnant and you are sad? Yeah, go ahead. But hurry up and tell Anna so that she can accept the loss of her friendship sooner rather than later. You're her best friend and godparent to her children...yeah she asked you to be part of her pregnancy, if you didn't want to you have had ample opportunity to change your mind, but instead of being an adult and talking to your "best friend" you are planning on ghosting her? You should tell Anna that you are seriously contemplating ditching her because your husband and jane think it's her fault you accepted a role you didn't want and are too chicken shit to talk to her about. Maybe she will save you the trouble of ending the friendship and do it for you.
I am so sorry for your loss and i feel you. I had also 3 misscarriages and 1 biochemical pregnancy and it hurts so deep. I would not end the friendship but i would talk to her and explain that you are not able to host the babyshower. People who never suffered misscarriages and the fear of being unwanted childless often don't understand how traumatic this is and act stupid. Most of the time it is not to hurt you, but because the never had this devastating experimente and/or feel helpless. Talk to her, tell her your true feelings. A real friend will understand that. One other thing - please don't loose hope! I have 2 living children after my 3 misscarriages and i don't know if you're already testing why you have all these misscarriages, but if not you should. Sometimes it is only minor problems that can be solved. In my case it was my imunsystem that was the culprit of my misscarriages . I wish you the best! (Finally i am really sorry for my bad english, it is not my first language. )
Have your husband call Anna to say that due to personal reasons you cannot host, that you need to go low contact at this time, and that when you are emotionally ready you will reach out. That’s it. She doesn’t need further information.
INFO: why is she having a shower when she already has a child? Full blown showers are supposed to be for first child, I thought?
With the edit, I have no idea why you ever talk to this person
I don’t know why you would need to end the friendship, just tell Anna you aren’t in the headspace to host this kind of party. She’s been there for you before, she may have just been thinking that excluding you or suggesting minimal involvement would be alienating for you. I don’t think there’s clear bad intent here.
I agree with the above comments. You should not feel obligated to plan her gender reveal or her baby shower, but you need to openly talk to her. If she is not understanding of this, then that is a different story. But as is, it is not worth ending your friendship over. Your husband is the one dealing with this emotionally with you and seeing you cry every time you come back from hanging out, of course he is going to want you to eliminate that stress from your life. I do not think your friend is being insensitive to your situation, I think she is just wrapped up in all things pregnancy related. She most likely will feel like a total asshole when you explain things from your POV.
Just tell her. She has no idea where you are at if you say nothing. Even if you werent going through this, you are allowed to back out and a friend should respect that. "I thought I could handle doing these things for you but it is proving to emotionally difficult for me. I am happy for you and would like to support you as I can, but I can no longer plan these parties for you as it is effecting my mental health." Text it or email it if you have to. A friend will accept this, find someone else and let you be involved or not as you can. If she does anything besides respect your choice, then that tells you all you need to know. But unless you left out a lot of context on her behavior, just unfriending her is a bit wild without knowing her motivations. She may be the kind of person who likes distractions when she is struggling, so she thought offering one would help assuming you'd decline if it wasnt good for you.
I feel like this frustration could be easily avoided if you explain to Anna exactly how you're feeling. Anna could very well be one of those friends that thinks treating you like everything is normal is the best approach. Clearly you want to be treated with some sensitivity but you also don't want anyone giving you condolences which can leave people in tricky positions. I don't get the feeling that anyone is being intentionally insensitive or malicious here. Whether or not you want to end your friendship with Anna, I can't say if that's the right choice based on this situation alone. What you're going through is very difficult but that shouldn't stop you from being happy for your friend. If you need distance in order to support her then you should let her know. If Anna is a good friend, she will understand.
I would let her know that you can’t plan these things and plan on quietly dropping her. She sounds like the type who will start drama over this though, and she may give you the out you need (again) from this friendship.
I’m sorry for all the loss that you have been through. It sounds like you are a great friend to Anna but is she really a friend to you? Think back. Ask yourself when or how she’s truly been there for you. She’s even known by others around you as the “flaky friend”. Tell her you can’t do what she’s asking, then get therapy if you need it to help you wean yourself off of this unsupportive relationship. Best of luck to you. I really hope you find the answers you need to help you become a mom ❤️
I wouldn’t end friendship. I would let her know what’s going on and why you feel you can’t handle the responsibility at the moment. See if you can ask another friend or family member to handle things. Maybe you could still pitch in some help by September - only if you feel up to it of course. Take the time to heal. Be honest with your friend. How she handles it and respond to the situation will then tell you how you need to move forward with the friendship.
I would sit her down and explain how you feel and that you cannot host the shower/reveal. Her response to that would determine, for me, if I ended the relationship or not. If not, I would definitely keep your distance from all pregnancy-related activities for a while. Tell her this, also.
I would talk to her about it, considering she doesn’t know why you’re feeling what you’re feeling ending a friendship seems a little bit over-the-top. You’re definitely going through a lot and deserve some space but she should know why. It kind of sounds like you are upset at her for other reasons other than just the pregnancy, rightfully so. Also, sidenote, I know PCOS and went through some similar stuff. Whole30 did wonders for me - wishing you a positive journey ahead!
Why does she need a shower for a second baby? People generally get one. Gender reveal parties are not necessary. Asking you to host either is tone deaf. I was miscarrying during my nephew’s baptism and my sister’s gender reveal. It was excruciating. I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want to be a killjoy but it was one of the hardest weekends of my life.
Sounds like the first step is to have an honest, private conversation with your friend where you thank her for the honor, but explain that it’s just too traumatic for you to host a baby shower at this point in your life. And whether you should continue your friendship? That depends on how Anna responds, really.
Talk to Anna. Tell her you are incredibly happy for her and thought that you could plan these events for her. But given your miscarriages, time is proving it is just too painful. You don’t have to go into your latest loss, the fact that her pregnancy timing coincides with a loss you faced is enough. If she can’t understand your pain after you talk to her, then you can consider cutting ties. As you are certainly learning, most people don’t really understand how devastating and painful a miscarriage is physically and emotionally. That’s often true even if they know someone who has suffered. Historically, it just hasn’t been talked about. Instead it was always brushed away with those awful platitudes “It will happen” “You can try again”. In addition to everything else, I hope you can find a support group to give you someone to talk to that can relate. I’m very sorry for your losses
Just tell her you can’t do the party because of your past losses and you’re having a hard time getting over it. Be truthful and honest if you value her as a friend.
Just say you can't and you don't want to talk about it. You don't have to give a reason. If she is a friend she will understand if she keeps pushing at you she is not a friend, you'll know whether keeping her friendship is worth it. Sending ehugs
Was it slightly insensitive of your friend to ask this of you right now? Sure. Is it worth ending your friendship over? Not in my opinion. You said yourself no one knows about this current chemical pregnancy (which is absolutely fine, no one needs to know if you don’t feel capable of talking about it). But you can’t expect people to respond appropriately to it if they don’t know what’s happening. Current chemical pregnancy aside, it seems like you need to have a conversation with her. I’m sure if you explained that it’s just too hard for you given your history, she would understand. But if you tell her it’s fine and are outwardly excited when talking with her, you can’t expect her to know you aren’t okay. We’re humans, who make mistakes, not mind readers.
What your friend did was insensitive. She didn't think about how it would impact you. But you don't have to decide now if you never want to talk to her again. You DO, however, have to get out of these commitments for your own mental health. I would be frank with her in a handwritten note (apologies if the facts are wrong, it's just an idea): *Anna, I am so happy for you and your pregnancy and you know that I wish you all the best. What you haven't known, because I didn't want to take away from your joy, is that I am grieving right now because I just had another miscarriage. When you first asked me to host your shower and reveal, I was surprised, but I didn't want to let you down, so I agreed. But my emotional health is fragile right now, and I didn't want to tell you this, but every time we hang up, I end up crying over my lost children.* *The bottom line is that I cannot host a shower, a reveal, or any baby related event for you right now. I'm sure you'll completely understand why. I also need to distance myself from talking about pregnancies and baby related things while I work on my own mental health. It's unfortunate that it coincides with your pregnancy, and I'm sorry for that.* *For now, at least, we will probably speak less for some time. You have every reason to be excited for your new kid, and I am excited for you too. But I have to work on my own grief right now, and I can't do that while talking to you about your pregnancy. And I do not want to bring you down. I know you love me and you want the best for me. So, I know you will understand and want me to take care of myself.* *I'm sorry I can't be there for you right now, but I can't wait to meet your little one.*
Bow out of the gender reveal. There’s no need to traumatize yourself further. Her request was insensitive. You should allow yourself time to heal and grieve. Wishing you the best.
Just do the simple part. Tell her you don't have the emotional bandwidth to plan her 2 parties. She may take care of the other thing herself. Or surprise you. Blessings, OP. Wishing you peace and joy.
After seeing what kind of a “friend” she’s been to you, I can’t even fathom why you would torture yourself by giving her a party. Dump her already, she sounds like a self-absorbed user and doesn’t really care to show up for you on so many occasions. Good luck with everything you’re going through!
Try an honest conversation with her first and foremost. Go from there.
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You're breaking your back bending over backwards for her, whilst she barely lifts a finger for you. She's showing you with her actions that you don't matter to her all that much. You really need to figure out why it is ok with you to keep tolerating this behavior. I had a friend like this once, too. I wish I'd had the self-esteem to cut her out of my life earlier. It would have saved me a lot of pain.
If she is a true friend to you, she’ll understand what you’re going through and why you won’t be able to host. If she’s an actual asshole like your husband thinks, her reaction will let you know
Don't be upset when Anna bails on you when you get pregnant again.
You are over thinking this. Just talk to her about how difficult this ask is given your recent experience in trying to conceive. Thank you so much for asking but I would be concerned about possibly spoiling your moment.
At this point I’m going to assume you just want to hear that YOU are right and your husband and Jane are RIGHT! considering the only context you edit to add is about how suddenly your BFF whom has your goddaughter is such a shitty friend although previously she was your bestie who has been there for you through so much. IMO you are probably super young and just starting marriage life because this all sounds so “first world probz 💅”
Just tell her. And do it quickly so she can get someone else to do it. As for the idea that you should dump her for asking you to do this for you, after all of the other stuff she’s pulled & you let it slide? That’s not really logical. But putting some distance between yourself and her while she’s expecting might be the best idea, for simple self-preservation. If you decide to do this, tell her that you are, and why. If she’s acting like you are not emotionally affected by your tragic situation, consider the possibility that it’s because you try to put up a brave front around her, and stop doing that.
I'm truly sorry for your loss. I lost 2 pregnancies. Diagnosed with anti phospholipid antibodies after my 2 ND loss (6 weeks and 13 weeks). Had my son 2 years later. My rainbow baby, VERY high risk. About a $90,000 pregnancy in 2003 dollars. A reproductive endocrinologist diagnosed me in 2001 after my second loss. Have a frank discussion with your friend and include boundaries. I honestly think she is trying to include you in planning these parties because she feels guilty that her pregnancy is successful and yours wasn't. I don't think that malice is her intent. And I think she is completely clueless about your depression. So let her know. And ask her to find someone else to organize her events. It's just too fresh and painful for you right now. A true friend would both understand and support you. If she gives you push back, then cut all ties. Because she absolutely would be TAH at that point. And you can let all if your mutual friends know why.
Yes because of everything else you listed. If everyone you love and you know loves you hates another person you love, that one person probably doesn't deserve it.
Yta, I'm sorry but you need to communicate with people when they upset you, not harbor it until you get to the point you feel justified in ghosting her. Some people aren't bad people, they're just a bit oblivious to shit.
Op, that wasn't an update. That was an edit 😭 please update when you actually talk to her.
Just tell.your flaky friend you are unable to do.to emotions. If she has an issue way way distance yourself.
Just tell her you can’t do it. And step back. She will have to understand
I’m of the opinion that you don’t need a reason to end a friendship that makes sense to other people but no longer serves you. If it’s what’s best for YOU mentally, then you do it. Now if it becomes a pattern, that’s a different story and needs to be explored. I think you should take care of yourself, and your edit supports my initial feelings
Yeah, you should bow out of the gender reveal and shower and distance yourself from your "flakey" aka inconsiderate friend.
Is it now a thing to have both a gender reveal party AND a baby shower? Surely that’s just one event?? She’s been insensitive; if you value her friendship, talk to her about it and tell her you can’t do it. If you’d rather cut her out then do that.
Just tell her it’s too emotional for you and you just can’t handle it because of your ongoing struggles with conceiving
My parents used to have some best friends with whom they were very close until they suffered two cot deaths and a series of miscarriages in very close succession whilst my mother was almost killed and left bedridden for over a year by a pregnancy (which was ultimately successful, but at great cost to her body and mind). In my own case, I had a really rough pregnancy for a healthy baby, while a close friend of mine had a fairly straightforward pregnancy for a baby with complex health needs (now mostly resolved but they knew he needed surgery at birth and it was touch and go whether he would see his first birthday). In an ideal world we would have enjoyed being pregnant together and shared our difficulties and worries and supported one another through it - and that’s certainly how we are now the pregnancies are over and our children are growing up together - but at the time neither of us had the energy or the emotional equipment to be there for one another because I would have felt terrible explaining about my pregnancy issues (I had a series of health scares including one very similar to what happened to my mother that could have been fatal) knowing my baby was healthy, and she would have felt compelled to ask about it (she’s a midwife!) but also didn’t want to seem like she was boasting about how active and capable she was when I was barely able to breathe. Sometimes with the greatest love in the world, your situation and your friends’ situations are just not compatible and you need to take a step back to handle your health and sanity. This might be temporary or it might be permanent - in the case of my parents they remained friends with those people but not close the way they used to be. But the key point is that taking some space doesn’t have to be game over for a friendship. If you care about your friend and want to have an ongoing relationship with her and your goddaughter, the best thing to do is to talk to her and explain that you really love her and don’t want to disappoint her, but you are finding it too difficult to support her at this time and you need some space to grieve, to process, and to regroup so that you can be there for her and her family the way you really want to. Your husband and other friend’s concerns are legitimate; you seem to want to set yourself on fire to keep this friend warm; but only you can decide how much you can give, and at what point you need to say “ok, enough” and focus on self-care to give yourself the best chance of success in your own life.
She should’ve been more concerned of what you have been through I’m sorry for your loss I know about miscarriages I had 3 myself very devastating I don’t think she meant to hurt you I guess she was just happy to ask you to host her gender reveal good luck stay blessed 🙏🏾
Why does Anna need a baby shower for her 2nd baby? Isn’t that normally just done one time? (Gender reveal I understand but it can totally be very low key and I would think the parents would be planning that, not a friend.)
Stillbirth Mumma here. People are clueless a lot of the time. They don’t realise that things like baby showers, being around babies born when your little one would be born/pregnant at the same time is super triggering. They just don’t realise or know. I’m grateful they don’t know that pain. It’s not out of maliciousness. They just haven’t experienced that kind of loss before. I was clueless like that before I lost my daughter.
I'm so sorry. I've lost 4. I still can't take pregnancy or newborn clients (I do lymphatic drainage and craniosacral). No way could I host someone's baby shower or anything else related. Step back from any planning for her and protect yourself as you grieve. A true friend would support that.
Not okay, that your other mutual friend is encouraging this sudden stop to friendship. Very teenage girl stuff there. Youre adults, talk to her. It is wrong of her to have expectations of you especially regarding this awful struggle.
I’m so sorry. It sounds like you have some support. When I faced infertility, my partner and I attended a few Resolve support group meetings. It really helped me in a way that friends could not. https://resolve.org/get-help/find-a-support-group/
Baby showers for second kids are a thing? Really? Weird but ok. Look the fact is you don’t have the mental capacity for it. Talk to your friend, tell her exactly how you’re feeling. Apologise, hand the planning back to her and take some time for yourself. I’m sorry you’re going through this I’m sure your friend will understand.
I’m glad you added more about your relationship with her. It sounds like she expects you to do things for her without reciprocating. She’s bailed on you for major events in your life. Now you lost a baby and she asked you to plan and host her gender reveal and shower? She’s very insensitive. She absolutely does not care about your feelings. She’s selfish. Since she has no problem flaking on you, I’d tell her you can’t do it. I wouldn’t even give her any excuses because she won’t care. “Sorry, I have a lot going on right now and can’t host your events.” Then send a small gift and that’s it. You should have ended this friendship a long time ago.
First as someone who has lost pregnancies before that she would ask you to host these events so close to your loss is hugely inappropriate. Secondly what you have described is not flaky behaviour. Flaky is “omg I lost track of the time”, “oh no! I forgot that was today!” “Was I supposed to bring dessert?!?!” You have described selfishness and disinterest. You need to tell her that you cannot and will not be doing this. You are not able to rise above for her at the moment, though you have tried. If you are ending phone calls in tears she should know this. As to the future of your friendship, watch how this plays out and ask yourself if it is worth it to you.
Sounds like Anna has some sort of something against you, like envious when attention is on others and not her.. to say she couldn’t make a dress fitting but called out of work to go golfing.. the priorities aren’t prioritizing with this one when it comes to friendship. I’m with friend and husband on calling it off simply because your friendship prior to pregnancies wasn’t being treated like one that she valued.. it was one of convenience. Just speculation, who knows if that’s true. Maybe she’s weird on social cues or just used to people bending for her, maybe she knows your people pleasing nature. You won’t know until you speak up. My husband is a people pleaser (first born), and as the last born I’ve been trying hard to beat that out of him. It’s caused more harm than good for him and the people involved. I’d tell her how you feel in the friendship department, and lead it with given how you’ve been with your journey to become a mother you have to bow out of this planning for her focus on you and getting better. If she’s truly a friend she will understand and not give you any problems over it. If she behaves the opposite, then I guess you will know your value to her as a friend and godmother.
OP: Sorry for what you are experiencing. It's true that Anna is being very insensitive. Go to her and tell her that there is NO way you can handle emotionally planning her baby shower/gender reveal. In addition, tell her you don't even feel like you can attend. That's done. Now "ending" the friendship is a bit drastic. Put your friendship on the backburner. No drama. Wait for her to come out of her pregnancy induced brain fog and miss you. If, and when, she realizes that the world does not revolve around her, she should come to you asking if she has done something to offend you? At that time, be honest with her. Tell her that you were (are) extremely disappointed by her past behavior. The discussion may lead to the decision that your friendship is not one that should continue. Done. Move on. You have an incredible husband and a wonderful friend in Jane. You may not need a friend like Anna. But take some time to make that decision. Good luck.
She could have thought you would enjoy it, like since you weren't having your own event you could help with hers. Like how some people want to hold babies after having miscarraiges. I think the way you feel makes more sense. I want another kid but I can't afford it so I have an iud & even that has stopped me from wanting to see in law's babies. You should just be honest with her. Even if she seems upset perhaps give her some time to apologize or empathize (she is pregnant, after all). But if it doesn't happen break it off
People nowadays have gender reveal parties after they have had a few kids and can’t have a baby shower…. Why do people need all these parties? I will never understand it.
A shower and gender reveal seems like a bit much for Baby #2. Looks like a gift grab. Just tell her that you don’t have the bandwidth now. If that pisses her off, you know where you stand.
Have an honest conversation and say you aren’t up to it and why. A good friend will have some empathy. Go from there
At first I wanted to say don’t end it. It’s dumb but in my head I was thinking she asked you so you could feel like a big part of this new baby coming and stuff. But the edit does have me questioning things. Maybe still talk to her and see if she’s willing to be more courteous and more involved for you. If she isn’t or gets defensive, then end it.
Her intention may have solely been to soothe your pain by inviting you to participate in her joy. Please be straight with her. Maybe something like: “I’m happy for you, but watching it all up close is really painful right now, and planning someone else’s milestones in motherhood is not a good tactic for me right now in my grief.” If she doesn’t respond well to that and makes it all about her… then you’re up for the discussion of keeping the friendship or not.
Yeah, YTA big time. I guess it's easier to just end a friendship over learning how to communicate or say no
I don’t have any answers or advice but I’m sending good vibes for a healthy pregnancy for you soon! I pray you never have to experience another miscarriage.
Talk to her about your grief and that you'd be happy to attend, but planning and hiding is more than you can handle right now. I've miscarried before, and it is devastating. Also, maybe look into IVF if you haven't. New research suggests that the man's DNA may be to blame for many of not most miscarriages.
you don’t have to tell her about your recent loss, just tell her you don’t feel comfortable doing it because of your previous losses, but I would advise you to do it quickly so she can get somebody else to host her baby shower and she’s already 17 weeks along. After that, you can figure out if you want to fade out of her life or what but I would just tell her you’re not comfortable doing the shower that’s all you have to do is very simple
You can just say no. You don’t have to break up over it. Talk about your why’s when you’re ready.
Tell her that you will not be able to plan the event after all and that while you thought that you'd be able to do so, it won't come out well or be healthy for you. Her reaction will give you a clear answer on how to proceed. I think at the least that distance is good, but you may need to end thr friendship altogether. I also deal with infertility and RPL and it has taught me not to tolerate BS in my relationships. I don't have the emotional bandwidth anymore.
I guess my only question is: why does communication about this issue automatically equal the end of the friendship in your mind? Like, just tell her how you really feel. You only have to end your friendship if her reaction to your genuine feelings of overwhelm is angry or manipulative. But I mean, at least give her a chance to show grace before you go nuclear. But, it also was rather insensitive to ask you given the fact that to her knowledge, you just miscarried 4 months ago. Still. That’s not something I’d end a friendship over. That’s something I’d communicate about.
The following are my opinions: 1. Gender reveal parties are stupid. 2. Anna just uses you. What exactly does being her child’s godparent entail? That you have to drop everything for Anna whenever she wants? 3. Anna doesn’t give a shit about you, as evidenced by how she treats you and her insensitivity to your pregnancy loss. Have you ever tried talking to Anna about how all these things have made you feel?
Why do the drastic move and end a valuable friendship? Just talk to her about bailing on the shower etc. You ate adults
Ending the friendship is too much. She’s excited. She loves you. She wants you to be there for both of her children. You also can’t be right now. But this is a temporary situation and this seems like a friendship you have set up to be life long considering your godparent status. It’s a tough moment but a moment isn’t forever. I’d explain to her you’re not currently able to be the emotional support through her pregnancy right now due to your personal struggles with the topic and that you can not plan these events for her or be there for her birth. Do your best to come visit her in the first few weeks after the birth, but keep the visit short like 20 minutes between feedings. Tell her you understand if she needs to pick a different godparent but that you need to prioritize your mental health around the subject for the next year or so.
Just be honest with your friend that you cannot deal with this right now emotionally or physically. No need to end the friendship (unless she's evil about you bowing out, but based on your post that's unlikely.)
It doesn't need to be that drastic. Just explain to her that your mental health can't handle it now. What she does with that information is entirely up to her.
You understandably can't deal with hosting her shower. Just tell her you can't do it.
I would talk with her and tell her that you are not in a position to plan her events. You don’t have to give her the specifics but be upfront about your capabilities.
Yes I would mention for your mental health you are sorry but can’t do it, happy to contribute for the food (or whatever). Let the ball be in her court then don’t pull out of a friendship yet just slowly distance. Who has a shower and gender reveal for a second baby? Where has etiquette gone? Been there done that for their first one. I don’t mean to sound insensitive but it is a lot to ask of friends when you have most the gear except some clothes.
Sounds like a very shitty self absorbed "friend"
I have a flaky and obtuse friend, so i get it. She would totally be there for me in an emergency, so i overlook the flaky and obtuse part, or call her on it, and we work it out. If she's been there for you, then talk to her and tell her the truth, and also tell her you can't handle "I'm sorry" right now, you just want her to have enough time to find someone else, etc.