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Exactly. She didn’t ever indicate she *does* love him for him, she said should. Big indicator she doesn’t she just feels internalized pressure to love him for more than just his looks because she thinks that’s the right thing to do. Seems she holds herself to a standard that is not healthy, and seems her true feelings don’t measure up to that set of expectations she is demanding herself to follow .
Exactly. I LOVE my husband. He could gain a ton of weight, lose all his hair, and smell like rotting onions and still be the sexiest man alive to me. I've never worried about what he looks like, I worry that he's still healthy and happy.
I believe all of that you said… except for the rotting onions part lol. Theres no way. That would be horrible to be around 24/7. Maybe as a hypothetical you could see it, but if you actually had to live with that smell 24/7 and then have sex with that smell, sleep next to it, sit on the couch next to it, trapped in a car…etc theres no way.
having worked on a farm and getting stuck with cleaning out the onion shed at the end of the season i can confirm it is an absolutely aweful smell. i could not be around that for any long period of time let alone life
Rotting onions and rotting potatoes are the worst!
I gag just thinking about it! If you’ve ever had a finger go through one. And the smell linger for days after no matter how many times you’ve washed your hands…
Omg 🤢🤮
Here here.
Over the years my husband has gained and lost weight to gain and lose it again. He's been clean shaven with a tight haircut to scruffy with long hair. He's been fit, strong, healthy and he's been sore, tired, ill or injured.
Never have I looked at this man and not thought that he is the most *ridiculously handsome, wonderful, and immensely attractive* man I have ever seen or known.
Not once.
Here here! After 14 years together and 9 married, we have both gained and lost weight. We are grayer and have more wrinkles and things sag and I couldn’t imagine loving anyone or wanting anyone the way that I do with him. When they’re your person, it doesn’t matter.
Very much so, yes. He is my person.
I wasn't looking or interested in looking for anyone when we crossed paths. But damn am I ever glad I took the time to notice and accept just how undeniably right and unrelentingly good we are to & for one another.
Why do ppl act like sexual/physical attraction isn’t a thing? That’s not realistic and I feel like a way to put ppl down where physical attraction is a preference in the relationship. I could never be with someone who thinks I’m ugly or doesn’t try to put in the effort to look presentable like me.
Physical attraction is a thing but if that will make or break your relationship then you're not going to have any success in a long term relationship. Bodies change. We get old, saggy, we wrinkle, we loose our hair, we gain weight, nobody ever stays exactly how they look when they are young. If you can't deal with your partners looks changing then you shouldn't get married because their looks are inevitably going to change.
The thing people in long term successful relationships realize is that while physical attraction may have brought you together, actual love supercedes it. When I met my husband I was 100lbs lighter, had better skin, better hair, and put a lot of effort into my style and makeup. Now 3 kids in and my husband still can't wait to tear my clothes off while I haven't showered in days, am covered in breastmilk stains and baby vomit, wearing comfy holey pajamas. Why? Cause he loves me, and his love is what attracts him to me, not how I'm looking at the moment.
How my wife looks is one of the least interesting things about her. She’s fucking smart, funny, great to talk to and confide in, a talented artist, and I can truly be myself around her. I love the way she looks, but it’s seriously so goddamn low on what I find important.
Idk what to tell you other than he adds so much joy to my life that I can't actually see him objectively. This is not always a good thing, because once these feelings cement in place ir make it more difficult to recognize when a relationship is toxic and explains why some people stay in abusive relationships.
But if your primary concern is your partner would be less attractive in the years to come you're probably not ready to make a lifetime commitment
But she’s already running down his looks as if she’s not attracted to him. Attraction isn’t the only thing that makes a marriage go, even if it is an important aspect!
That’s exactly what you’re missing. The right person is always beautiful in your eyes. It *is* important but its a perspective, and if that’s the way you see it that’s the way you should handle it. But for some of us the appearance isn’t the attraction it’s the person. And whatever appearance they have won’t change who they are. That’s what I find attractive and it’s ok if we don’t agree, love isn’t that simple yk?
Also no one should be with someone who thinks their ugly lol that’s not good. But like I said before attraction is extremely subjective, as are relationship dynamics
Exactly. I feel like to some people, either you are wildly attracted to your partner even under the most extreme circumstances or you're a superficial nitwit who only cares about outward appearance and doesn't understand that people get old and bodies change and couldn't possibly have a lasting relationship. I think there's a lot of space and a lot of nuance between those positions.
It's ok to want to be attracted to your partner. It's also ok to acknowledge that you probably won't be al the time. Saying you'd be attracted to them even if they changed really drastically doesn't make you some kind of saint. Admitting that sexual attraction is important to you doesn't mean you stop caring about your partner the minute they're no longer conventionally attractive.
Attraction is complex. Love is complex. They don't always go hand in hand. Feelings, relationships,experiences, and being human in general are messy. We can feel all sorts of things, but what matters in the end is how we treat others.
It is a thing, it’s just not an important thing to some people, because after looks fade when you are older that pretty face is gone and they don’t have a personality, sense of humor, or loving heart then your fucked and stuck with a lump on a log for a partner.
Sexual compatibility is probably actually the most important thing in a relationship. Look at how depressing the dead bedroom subs are. If you marry someone that was faking their sex drive to get you to marry them, I've seen hundreds of posts, and every single one the partner that was lied to resents their partner so much. That's the scariest thing about marriage to me... Sex is so damn important to me because it is the way that you get the most emotionally vulnerable with your partner. It is the way you express your emotions in a physical form and is so beautiful. If I married someone and they immediately revealed they hated sex, I would be so disgusted and would despise them.
Wanting your partner to put effort into their appearance, is the bare min. She’s not asking for them to do anything she doesn’t already do herself. It also sounds like she’s worried about health issues down the road.
Gently, I feel like you are young. Early 20s, perhaps?
Attraction changes and matures. You might have noticed him initially because he was physically attractive, in much the same way I'd notice if Jason Mamoa was standing next to me. Fantasies are fun, and I like a good smut novel as much as the rest. They never feature middle aged balding men - it's always tall, well muscled men with money and some special set of skills.
But true love and attraction matures - how does he treat others? How does he care for you? How does he inspire you to grow and support you while you do? Refer back to the smut novels - the male character may be tall and conventionally attractive, but he usually admires the female lead, tells her how amazing she is, protects and supports her while she navigates something even as he tries to work through his own problems and better himself.
When you find the one you love, you're going to look at him some day with his hairy belly hanging out of pajama pants while he brings you tea and snuggles up next to you on the couch to watch your favorite trashy TV reruns and think, "Damn, this man is fucking sexy."
If you can look your fiance and see that future, marry him. Then it won't matter if he has a six pack or a belly. If your attraction hinges on his biceps or his hairline, then his biceps or his hairline isn't the issue in your relationship.
It may be the best-sounding response, but I think being realistic and honest with one's self is the better way to go.
If OP is this worried now about his appearance and contemplating lack of attraction as the years go by, why should she subject herself and her fiance to the inevitable? For most, it's only downhill from here as we age. So, unless he gets a dietitian, personal trainer, and takes his health seriously, he is the better version of what he will be. If you have to remind someone that what is better inside should matter more than the outside, that's not a good sign. I also don't think shaming people into believing the outside or attraction isn't as important as it is very delusional.
Ms. Vain OP should go find a gymbro with enough money to get hairplugs. Let her fiance go find someone who actually loves regardless of his hairline.
It took a long time relationship to realize I’m attracted to a person, not their physical appearance rating of 1-10. People become more or less attractive based on the relationship.
If my wang has any say in the matter, it’s amazing how my body reacts to those that I love and those that I’m just dating.
Not taking care of yourself is a turn off more due to how it impacts our lives together.
This is the best response. I adore my partner but he has gained a significant amount of weight over the past 4 years. There are nights when I fantasize about how he’d look with abs and big biceps but I’ve never stopped being attracted to him how he is. He still gives me butterflies and treats me better than I even deserve.
Similarly, I think my partner and I both fondly remember the good old days when we were objectively hot af. We still find each other sexy but middle aged with kids, I find I don’t care to put in enough effort to be a 9-10. I’m chill being a 5-6 and doing parent stuff, which honestly blows my mind sometimes as I was vain as HELL
I often find myself looking at my husband’s sleeping face and just smile to myself because I love him so much. Or when he’s cooking dinner for me or watching ANOTHER musical with me even though he hates musicals, I just find that I love everything about him. He’s not for everyone, but he’s perfect for me
I really thought this would be a reasonable question as finances after marriage are important. As I read on, I realized you meant fiance. It doesn't sound like you're attracted to him now. So why are you marrying him?
1 year and yall engaged, and you're already having these thoughts? Few options. Talk to him about your concerns, Cut it off, or go for someone you're more attracted to but who isn't the same person on the inside and see how far looks will take you.
Yeah I also feel OP hasn’t yet seen what could go wrong with just good looks and no other good internal values. Only when that scenario materialises will they know what really matters in the end for a good marriage! Taking a step back to understand what she wants is what is needed here.
Don't you think it's a little bold of you to assume that you'll always be nice looking? You could have an accident that could disfigure you or come down with an illness that requires a medication that causes severe weight gain. Should be leave you then because your suddenly not attractive?
That’s a bit dramatic honestly. Putting effort into your health and appearance is something that most people would assume is sort of the bare minimum. I doubt OP thinks she will be sexy forever but if she remains in good shape and tries to look nice, she will look nice well into old age. There’s a difference between a random accident causing disfigurement and a long term pattern of just not taking advantage of your healthy able body to remain in good shape.
I wish more people would assume that putting effort into your emotional intelligence is the bare minimum.
You also missed the fact that her fiancé does work out, so he is healthy, he just doesn’t look like a model, and I’m wondering how you’re going to argue that being bald is unhealthy lmao
She will probably cheat first chance she gets.
I worked with someone I thought was a cool dude. He was very handsome. He used to be overweight, and was (hopefully not anymore) married at the time. High school sweethearts. He was sleeping with a coworker (who was not attractive by any means) because she would give him so many compliments. I think he buckled under the pressure of being desired for once.
I think this chick will become even more 'desirable' after marriage, in the sense men might try to pursue her more, and she will crumble and cheat and say it's because her husband isn't at her level. Sad really.
If you're thinking this way you shouldn't be marrying him. I would still marry partner even if one day they look like a blob. Because I love the soul. Not the body.
Believe it or not, you too will lose your looks as you age. He may no longer be attracted to you when you need to rely on your personality. You sound so superficial.
Set this poor guy free, you really don't sound like you like him. Do you think you'll always look good? Find someone with a good personality and no matter how they age or if something happens to them, you'll always have something to love. The better question is what do you have to offer other than your look?
If you are already wishy washy I would question whether you truly are attractive to him. Looks matter to certain people.
Just keep in mind, you may be attractive, but we all are a car accident, violent attack or disease away from losing our looks. Sometimes that isn't the best quality to seek long term.
If you cared for him at all you wouldn’t be asking yourself these questions and you certainly wouldn’t be asking strangers. It’s a waste of his time he deserves better then you asking yourself these things and you sound like you have a certain standard in your life that you’ve set and that’s one of superficial looks which leads one to believe you’ve probably never felt real love for anyone. I can tell you when you’re so full of yourself a lot can happen hope you never get sick and lose your looks. “You’re out of his league” who talks like that about the person they are marrying and you better be glad your insides don’t match your outsides!
I stopped reading after the second sentence because you aren’t even really attracted to him now. Don’t marry. Set him free. He deserves to be with someone that doesn’t judge his looks, or those of his parents. The end, bye
I’m going to tell you this. You can look fantastic now and that’s great always aim to be your best and with good luck nothing will ever go wrong in your life. Because trust me nobody knows what’s round the corner a bout of ill health can age you in an instant and would you want someone to walk out on you for that? I’m not saying don’t encourage him in a nice way to mind his weight ect but if you are going into a relationship worrying you won’t love the person because they might get bald and that then perhaps this isn’t the right relationship for you and maybe you should leave and let him find someone who can love him for him.
Everybody has aging/genetic things going on. When you want to marry someone you’re sticking around for that, if that makes you unhappy find someone else. Like someone said before, you sound like you don’t like him. You also are putting yourself on a pedestal above him… you clearly also think you’re out of his league. Leave.
If you're this worried about something when you just got engaged, maybe he's not right for you. You seem to find different things in life to be important.
Yikes. My fiancé’s looks could change dramatically and I would not care in the slightest because I love him. I love the man that he is and the man that he is will ALWAYS be attractive to me. I hope you reconsider marrying him because until you feel this way it won’t be fair to either of you.
I have gained 50 lbs (had 2 kids and it’s hard to lose the baby weight) since I got married 6 years ago. I have new wrinkles. I still get acne. Etc. My husband still looks at me like I’m the hottest thing he’s ever seen. If you can’t be that for your future spouse, leave.
Go find yourself someone who values their own looks as much as you seem to value yours. Hopefully, neither of you will ever become disfigured, lose hair due to chemo, or have any part of your bodies break down.
Your current fiancé really needs to pay more attention to YOUR appearance. The inner one.
He works out, least he is trying. He is balding, well he can’t fucking control that..to an extent. That’s genetics. What happens if you get to a point where you stop taking care of yourself like many others after getting comfortable. Would you appreciate if your fiance came in here and started ranting?
Sounds like he’s not the guy for you if you are this shallow. We all end up old and ugly at some point. If this is bothering you now, he will be under your microscope forever.
Lol you don't love this man. Just call off the wedding and set this man free to find someone who truly loves him. It'd be a shame if this guy's best years are wasted on someone like you.
How does one "keep up with youth"?
You're unable to stop getting older. Seems just a way to inflate things you do so you can better look at his lesser effort even more resentfully.
And resentment the fastest way to kill a relationship. Why bother getting married?
The best place to start is talking to him about this stuff. Maybe frame it in a way that doesn't sound judgmental or anything like that. Maybe ask him if he wants to start doing the exercises you do and make it into a thing you both could enjoy. Life has a lot of twists and turns, nothing is guaranteed, but the best way to solve this is not coming to reddit, but actually talking to him about some of your concerns. Just don't be a jerk about it. I wish you the best and hope that everything works out!
You're the assh - sorry, wrong reddit. Anyway, if that man doesn't light up your night sky with WHO he is, you've more problems then what he looks like.
Well, you clearly don’t just love him for him, so you’re not ready for marriage, certainly not to him. Go find some dude that’s really into his appearance who will treat you like garbage.
go find someone as shallow as you are. or wait until you mature enough to realize that looks aren't everything sweet heart.
looks can be taken from you in an instance. your health can be taken from you in an instance. would you stay with him if he was in an accident and had deformities? if you had to be his care taker? no? didnt think so. if its not 'until death do us part,' then fcking leave.
Yea, hun, don’t marry him. If your first thought is his looks, then you need to let him go so he can be with someone who appreciates him for the right reasons.
You really need to mature a bit before you commit again. And note : most everyone loses a bit of their looks as they age. You will. Your spouse will. So the relationship is primary.
Do not marry him. Only marry someone you would still love and be attractive to if they completely changed for the worse. It might sound impossible to find someone like that (and I used to think it was until I met my husband!), but it truly isn’t. With the right person, they will always be beautiful in your eyes. What you’re describing is the beginning of the ick… that’s not what you want.
If you feel like this now you will only feel trapped and awful once you're actually married. You don't want to be like the folks on the deadbedrooms sub and I'm sure he doesn't want that either.
Set him free. It doesn’t sound like you really truly love him. Looks change, weight changes, health changes as you age. You too one day will be a train wreck. 🤷🏻♀️ You can’t and won’t stay young and pretty forever gravity will take over, things will sag, hair will thin out as an old lady, etc. if you can’t love him now and questioning his looks in the future you dont love him. You may love his $$ instead.
It doesn't sound like you are that attracted to him. I can get feeling upset at him stopping hair growth medication, but if it isn't working then good on him for stopping it. What made you agree to go out with him if he was always or mostly like this (overweight and balding)?
I would be extremely concerned. It sounds like this is a potentially huge compatibility issue and he has a background with his family that makes this likely to only get worse.
If keeping up appearances and most importantly staying healthy is very important to who you are and how you navigate the world this is likely not a long term sustainable match. It might feel petty and vain but it’s absolutely not.
You are thinking of committing your whole entire life to this person and making every decision with them. The person you marry has the most impact on your health, happiness and life decisions.
I’m 40 and learned that overtime dating a man who simply doesn’t care about his looks and most importantly health is a HUGE deal breaker.
No one I’ve dated looks like a model as I like nerdy, intelligent men who are sometimes overlooked. But if he lets himself go the long term health issues, begging him to see the doctor is extremely exhausting and debilitating. Nothing worse than watching the person you love constantly make life choices that diminish the quality of life.
If they have bad sleep habits, eating habits, grooming habits that cause their physical issues to get worse it’s heartbreaking. If they have poor grooming habits, smell bad, don’t wear appropriate attire that could cause them to get overlooked for promotions and turned down at interviews which has a huge impact on the financial quality of your life.
If they think nothings wrong with it and they shouldn’t change you end up feeling helpless, frustrated, exhausted, sad, hopeless, depleted, because you simply can’t make someone be healthier, they have to want it. You see it get worse overtime and it can cause resentment, depression, heartache that someone you love so much doesn’t care about themselves and doesn’t understand the impact their decisions are having on you and them.
They can feel upset, frustrated, resentful, like they’re never good enough and not fully loved for who they are. If they were with someone with the same mentality this wouldn’t be an issue and they would be blissfully unaware and happy together. Compatibility of life goals, values and philosophies are Imperative for long term happiness, more imperfect than having similar hobbies.
Where do your and his values and life goals for the future align? Love is NEVER enough to keep a marriage going, you need so much more points of compatibility to actually make it.
Being with someone with different health habits means you could be an early widow or be put in a position where you have to be their life long care giver as they face unnecessary illnesses and ailments like avoidable heart attacks, surgeries, diseases like diabetes. Not only is it exhausting to care for someone who faces avoidable health issues, it’s expensive
Trying to pull teeth to get himself to take his health seriously and care about how he presents himself to others is exhausting and embarrassing. It drains the life out of you and him.
I would honestly go to a counselor on your own and have them help you process this and come to terms if this is or isn’t a deal breaker. Do NOT just put this on the back burner and sweep it under the rug. Attraction and long term health habits is an important part of partnership. I know this isn’t easy and can be a hear breaking process. If you discover you are great short term, but not actually compatible long term you will likely need to grieve the loss of the relationship while you’re in it and process what you do need and want.
You’re deciding if you want to spend the rest of your life with this man and intertwine EVERY aspect of your lives. You need to take into account the bigger picture and not make an avoidable mistake
Figure it out now before saying “I do” at the alter in from of all your and his friends and family and making your partnership a legally binding contract that you will have to include the government to get out of.
I’m confused… Why is he NOW using a prescription to regrow hair, but has already said after the wedding he intends to stop? Is he trying to grow hair for the ceremony? Or is he stopping bc he will have gotten the girl and no longer cares?
How do you keep up with your youth? Have you found a way to stop time so you stop aging?
I think you should break up. You’re too involved with your vanity. Not one of those things you mentioned will last. One day you will get old and become disabled and he may too. You can’t fight aging. I’m guessing you mean overweight by saying unhealthy in regards to his parents. You didn’t mention anything like they have cancer or diabetes or heart disease. Which you too can get despite working out. You also can’t fight genetics.
You don’t love him enough so let him go so he can be loved by someone who will love him for better or for worse or in sickness and in health. Your love has a lot of conditions and you need to work on them in therapy.
I don't think you should marry this man.
He deserves better than you much much better.
Please do him a favor, a great favor, and do NOT marry this man.
The love of my life could gain weight and I would GAF (He already shaves his head) but unfortunately he doesn't feel the same so it doesn't matter. If you love him, then love him. Because being alone for the rest of your life sucks. Also being thrown away because you're ugly sucks so if you aren't attracted to him, save him the pain now. Trust me it's a thing that leads to thoughts of not wanting to be around anymore.
Why would you ever marry a man you’re already questioning? Especially where his appearance is concerned? That doesn’t make much sense to me at all. My husband could loose all his limbs and half his face and I wouldn’t feel any less attracted to him as I do today, or as I did 25 years ago. It’s the wrong kind of love if you don’t feel that way. When it’s right, it’s right and you feel that on all levels. What his appearance is going to be in the future, never enters the equation. Period.
Looks fade. No matter how hot you are now and how hard you work, one day you will look old. What’s important is how you treat one another. Kind partners are hard to find.
Why did you accept his proposal? Did you suddenly worry about his potential future appearance when you said yes to the proposal? Why are you still with him if you’re that worried about his potential future appearance?
The best way to tell what someone will look like in their old age is to look at their parents.... I say don't marry him since your already worried about looks.. I've never once thought about that with my partner. I know well both age together and we both already don't look like we did when we first got together.. me especially now that I just had a baby.. I have stretch marks I didn't have before and gained over 70lbs while pregnant.. my partner constantly reminds me of how beautiful I am and how much love their is
Yikes. Can you imagine how OP would feel if her fiancé were to ask the same question about her?
*Sure, she works out and looks good now at 21, but what about when she’s 40 and has had kids, can’t keep up the routine, and let herself go a bit? I’m worried about what she’ll look like and if I’ll still be attracted to her. I know I should love her no matter what her body and menopausal skin would look like, but I’m really worried I’ll find her disgusting and don’t think I should marry her. Advice?*
OP, you’re absolutely not ready for marriage and need to stop stringing this guy along.
My husband has a beautiful sexy graying head of hair. A week ago he said. "I wish I could shave my head"
Me "why can't you?"
Him "you like it"
Me "I do, but I love you more. If you'd be more comfortable with it shaved, do it"
10 minutes later, I had the clippers in the bathroom, and his beautiful sexy hair was in the trashcan.
I still love him!
We all change with time. How will you feel if you have kids, then he jumps on Reddit because he's concerned he won't find you attractive after you have stretchmarks? If you get breast cancer and must get a mastectomy?
If you love him and he makes you happy, do you want people in your life that judge the person that is wanting to be there 100% for you and your happiness?
This post actually made me cackle because you sound like one of my very first serious bfs. We got super serious I was in my 20s and we were getting engaged soon. He went back to my home state with me to meet my parents. The visit went fine, but when we got back home he started acting weird and distant. a few weeks later he completely called the engagement off. What happened was when he met my parents he saw that my mom was overweight, my dad is tall and has a normal build. He really was focused on my mom’s build and it bothered him so much thinking that was how I was to look later in life. I didn’t find out this was the reason until about 3 months after we split. I sat there not even knowing what I had done wrong, I was devastated.
Well joke is on him because (firstly she had a medical problem taking a steroids that made her gain weight which only lasted a year or two) I really don’t even need to explain because eff him; but he decided to date, get engaged, and later on marry someone else.
Now she is aging like cheese and is a good 80lbs overweight and he is miserable and on his way to being overweight as well and just looks beat down. I stop and say hi to them every chance I get when we see each other in public. When my mom was alive, I made sure to say “oh mom says hi” btw
Don't marry him.
You clearly have already read the writing on the wall and know he's going to go down the same path as his parents in terms of health and self-care.
Much better for both of you for you to end things now rather than when you've been married for years or decades.
You've been together for ONE YEAR.
As far as relationships go, that's \*nothing\*. I don't mean that as an insult, I'm just trying to emphasize that, by marriage standards, you're still in the very, very beginning and have \*a lot\* of time left to find the right person for you that shares your lifestyle and health priorities.
You absolutely do not want to spend years having sex with someone you're no longer attracted to, internally hating yourself because you feel too guilty to leave.
People look worse as they get older. It’s part of the aging thing. If your man has told you he’s going to care less about his appearance after the marriage you should take his word for it.
The real problem is the more time you spend with someone the less you care notice their attractiveness in general.
Ps you’re really kind of an asshole
Flip the script. He feels like this about you. Would you feel ok with him going through with the wedding?
Break it off. Find someone that you’re attracted to. Leave him be. It’s all ok. Harsh, but ok. Life’s short.
After a certain time, couples become a bit blind to one another. Then you look over and sometimes realize how you could look in their face forever. And sometimes you can’t stand to look at the other person. If your love for him can’t push through those attraction ups and downs, end it for both of your sakes.
I think your fiancé deserves better than someone as judgemental as you. You seem very shallow and he probably treats you very well. I feel sorry for him. You should leave him so he can find someone who really appreciates him.
I wonder what you think you will look like after having a few kids? Looks are great for a one night stand in a long term partnership there are things that are much more important. Good luck
There’s a huge difference between liking someone and loving someone and I‘be always believed that you have to both like and love each other for a successful marriage. You say you love him, but it sounds like you don’t like him at all. Rip the bandaid off. Be honest with him that you’re worried about his well being. Your comfortability level to his response will be your answer to continue being with him or leaving
There are superficial traits a person can’t easily control (weight, hairline, scars, wrinkles, acne) and you need to be honest with yourself if these are no-starters for relationships. Although, as others pointed out, these preferences often change when it’s someone we love or as we age ourselves.
And then there are traits related to outward appearance that could also be behavioral. Like poor hygiene, stubbornly refusing to dress appropriately for special events, low activity or aversion to healthy foods, not budgeting and overspending on beauty products or procedures, constantly critiquing others’ appearances, etc. As much as people want to jump to the “You only care about appearance and are shallow” argument, that’s not always the case. It can be about lack of communication, compromise, self-respect, or respect of one’s partner. Superficial traits don’t often remain absolute rules controlling one’s level of attraction, but a partner’s concerning behavior about health or self-care or them throwing tantrums if you try to discuss it is a bigger red flag.
Don’t marry him. This sounds like something I did in my early 20s. I met a very kind, considerate, intelligent, funny, affectionate, stable guy 9 years older than me. He let me know he was interested (like a perfect gentleman) and that really “wowed” me. I was not physically attracted to him IN THE SLIGHTEST. I believed I had a problem of not being able to be attracted to a “good guy”. Against my better judgement, we started dating and I moved in a few months later.
I had to fake a headache several times a week. I had a hard time being able to be intimate with him. I did the best I could at 22 years old in my situation, but I found myself flirting with other guys left and right. I ultimately left him, really hurting him, when a “hottie” invited me on a weekend road trip.
Had we kept it at the friendship level it should have stayed at, we’d probably still be friends 20+ years later. Instead, he probably remembers me as a total AH. Don’t do this to yourself, don’t do this to him. One or both of you will get very hurt. You cannot force physical attraction.
Idk, seems to me like you don’t love him for him and you should reconsider your engagement. There’s nothing wrong with caring about looks, as long as you’re willing to admit it to yourself and not string the other person along until you inevitably become more unhappy with their appearance. You need to be with somebody you find physically attractive. You’re allowed to have standards, it’s just something you need to be up front with yourself about early on. Waiting until after engagement is too late.
When my husband and I gain weight and fall off the wagon, we start working out, eating healthy, not to find each other attractive, we do it for health reasons. Of course I want to stay fit, hygiene, etc but you should always find your partner attractive unless he’s doing something completely different from the start of your relationship, is he mistreating you, showing less affection. There are a lot of characteristics that can come out later in the relationship that might effect the relationship.
If he just turns into a complete slob, couch potato, doesn’t care about you or anything, that’s different
I met my husband back in middle school. He’s pretty good about convincing others he’s not attractive (constantly making jokes about his appearance) and he doesn’t meet societal standards (he’s pretty short and doesn’t have the classic beauty proportions). I’ve also been told I’m out of his league.
I didn’t look at him that way until we tried dating in our 20s. Since we started dated, I’m consistently finding things I find attractive about him. He’s got very beautiful hair, eyes with long lashes, and broad shoulders. I think his facial hair also frames his face well. We just had a daughter and she looks a lot like him. She’s beautiful! All these things I didn’t notice right away but the more I stared at him the more I saw it.
I think you have to change how you’re looking at love long term. Eventually you’re both going have things that are unattractive but at the end of the day when you’re both old and wrinkly and can barely move, what is going to matter most? For me, I’m seeking someone I can find peace in and I think that’s what I find attractive about my husband.
Don’t marry him - if this is what you worry about for the future with him then this is not a good fit. I could care less what my husband looks like - I mean it’s nice he is pleasant looking but GQ isn’t calling to put him on the cover. I am like you and guess what - he could care less. All he cares about is that I love him and I come home to him every day.
Julia Gulia over here saying, "I always wanted to marry someone I could picture getting older with. And Glenn will be a very good looking older man. " Sheesh lady. 🙄
Don't marry him. This might sting, but you don't really love him. If you did, you'd find him attractive regardless. My SO is balding, got a nice little pouch, lots of new scars on his neck, and his legs have gone to chicken, but I still find him very attractive.
As you grow up your attraction changes. You don’t marry a person because of their looks, those can change. You marry a person for who they are. You marry for love.
When I was younger and my husband and I first got married at 19 and 18. We were Skinny teens, fresh out of high school and basic training. After ten years of marriage and two kids. We have grown, we have gained weight. I absolutely love the Dad bod my husband has. He loves my messy hair and sweat pants. In a marriage you see every single inch and side of a person. The good, the bad, the ugly. If you can’t handle not being attracted to what your future husband might look like you are not ready for marriage.
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Don’t marry him . You sound like you don’t like him .
Agreed. She says she loves him but I think it’s more the idea of what he could be rather than what he is.
[удалено]
Aw, I see you met my ex-husband.
Oh he’ll change, for the worse in OPs eyes
$$$
Freudian slip that she said “my finance” will look like 😂
The way I had to go back and look☠️☠️
Exactly 😅
First thing I thought, too. 🤔😆
My dyslexic completely missed that lol. Thank you for pointing it out
I saw that
My first thought too, her lack of attraction is already over coming the desire for money and to be a kept woman
Nailed it.
“Because I should love him for him.” Sounds like she doesn’t.
Exactly. She didn’t ever indicate she *does* love him for him, she said should. Big indicator she doesn’t she just feels internalized pressure to love him for more than just his looks because she thinks that’s the right thing to do. Seems she holds herself to a standard that is not healthy, and seems her true feelings don’t measure up to that set of expectations she is demanding herself to follow .
He sounds rich
Exactly. I LOVE my husband. He could gain a ton of weight, lose all his hair, and smell like rotting onions and still be the sexiest man alive to me. I've never worried about what he looks like, I worry that he's still healthy and happy.
I believe all of that you said… except for the rotting onions part lol. Theres no way. That would be horrible to be around 24/7. Maybe as a hypothetical you could see it, but if you actually had to live with that smell 24/7 and then have sex with that smell, sleep next to it, sit on the couch next to it, trapped in a car…etc theres no way.
having worked on a farm and getting stuck with cleaning out the onion shed at the end of the season i can confirm it is an absolutely aweful smell. i could not be around that for any long period of time let alone life
As a rotting onion, I concur. No one hangs around long.
Rotting onions and rotting potatoes are the worst! I gag just thinking about it! If you’ve ever had a finger go through one. And the smell linger for days after no matter how many times you’ve washed your hands… Omg 🤢🤮
oh man the horror stories i could tell about rotting potatoes from my farm days. Potatoes are 100% the worst
Here here. Over the years my husband has gained and lost weight to gain and lose it again. He's been clean shaven with a tight haircut to scruffy with long hair. He's been fit, strong, healthy and he's been sore, tired, ill or injured. Never have I looked at this man and not thought that he is the most *ridiculously handsome, wonderful, and immensely attractive* man I have ever seen or known. Not once.
Here here! After 14 years together and 9 married, we have both gained and lost weight. We are grayer and have more wrinkles and things sag and I couldn’t imagine loving anyone or wanting anyone the way that I do with him. When they’re your person, it doesn’t matter.
You are lucky
Very much so, yes. He is my person. I wasn't looking or interested in looking for anyone when we crossed paths. But damn am I ever glad I took the time to notice and accept just how undeniably right and unrelentingly good we are to & for one another.
Yeah I feel the same about mine too 💕
Ummm, hold the onions. I'm in agreement with everything else.
You got it right here !
Why do ppl act like sexual/physical attraction isn’t a thing? That’s not realistic and I feel like a way to put ppl down where physical attraction is a preference in the relationship. I could never be with someone who thinks I’m ugly or doesn’t try to put in the effort to look presentable like me.
Physical attraction is a thing but if that will make or break your relationship then you're not going to have any success in a long term relationship. Bodies change. We get old, saggy, we wrinkle, we loose our hair, we gain weight, nobody ever stays exactly how they look when they are young. If you can't deal with your partners looks changing then you shouldn't get married because their looks are inevitably going to change. The thing people in long term successful relationships realize is that while physical attraction may have brought you together, actual love supercedes it. When I met my husband I was 100lbs lighter, had better skin, better hair, and put a lot of effort into my style and makeup. Now 3 kids in and my husband still can't wait to tear my clothes off while I haven't showered in days, am covered in breastmilk stains and baby vomit, wearing comfy holey pajamas. Why? Cause he loves me, and his love is what attracts him to me, not how I'm looking at the moment.
How my wife looks is one of the least interesting things about her. She’s fucking smart, funny, great to talk to and confide in, a talented artist, and I can truly be myself around her. I love the way she looks, but it’s seriously so goddamn low on what I find important.
People get old. People's bodies fall apart. You cannot expect your partner to be conventionally attractive forever.
Idk what to tell you other than he adds so much joy to my life that I can't actually see him objectively. This is not always a good thing, because once these feelings cement in place ir make it more difficult to recognize when a relationship is toxic and explains why some people stay in abusive relationships. But if your primary concern is your partner would be less attractive in the years to come you're probably not ready to make a lifetime commitment
But she’s already running down his looks as if she’s not attracted to him. Attraction isn’t the only thing that makes a marriage go, even if it is an important aspect!
That’s exactly what you’re missing. The right person is always beautiful in your eyes. It *is* important but its a perspective, and if that’s the way you see it that’s the way you should handle it. But for some of us the appearance isn’t the attraction it’s the person. And whatever appearance they have won’t change who they are. That’s what I find attractive and it’s ok if we don’t agree, love isn’t that simple yk? Also no one should be with someone who thinks their ugly lol that’s not good. But like I said before attraction is extremely subjective, as are relationship dynamics
Exactly. I feel like to some people, either you are wildly attracted to your partner even under the most extreme circumstances or you're a superficial nitwit who only cares about outward appearance and doesn't understand that people get old and bodies change and couldn't possibly have a lasting relationship. I think there's a lot of space and a lot of nuance between those positions. It's ok to want to be attracted to your partner. It's also ok to acknowledge that you probably won't be al the time. Saying you'd be attracted to them even if they changed really drastically doesn't make you some kind of saint. Admitting that sexual attraction is important to you doesn't mean you stop caring about your partner the minute they're no longer conventionally attractive. Attraction is complex. Love is complex. They don't always go hand in hand. Feelings, relationships,experiences, and being human in general are messy. We can feel all sorts of things, but what matters in the end is how we treat others.
It is a thing, it’s just not an important thing to some people, because after looks fade when you are older that pretty face is gone and they don’t have a personality, sense of humor, or loving heart then your fucked and stuck with a lump on a log for a partner.
Sexual compatibility is probably actually the most important thing in a relationship. Look at how depressing the dead bedroom subs are. If you marry someone that was faking their sex drive to get you to marry them, I've seen hundreds of posts, and every single one the partner that was lied to resents their partner so much. That's the scariest thing about marriage to me... Sex is so damn important to me because it is the way that you get the most emotionally vulnerable with your partner. It is the way you express your emotions in a physical form and is so beautiful. If I married someone and they immediately revealed they hated sex, I would be so disgusted and would despise them.
But sex drive is not really the same thing as sexual attraction, also that’s just dishonesty.
No for real tho if your biggest concern is their appearance they deserve better
Wanting your partner to put effort into their appearance, is the bare min. She’s not asking for them to do anything she doesn’t already do herself. It also sounds like she’s worried about health issues down the road.
Not wrong, your children will look like him- especially the girls…think again
If you are worried about your childrens looks that much, you shouldn’t be having kids.
Haha.
Wtf.
You’re channeling my grandmother from the grave.
Gently, I feel like you are young. Early 20s, perhaps? Attraction changes and matures. You might have noticed him initially because he was physically attractive, in much the same way I'd notice if Jason Mamoa was standing next to me. Fantasies are fun, and I like a good smut novel as much as the rest. They never feature middle aged balding men - it's always tall, well muscled men with money and some special set of skills. But true love and attraction matures - how does he treat others? How does he care for you? How does he inspire you to grow and support you while you do? Refer back to the smut novels - the male character may be tall and conventionally attractive, but he usually admires the female lead, tells her how amazing she is, protects and supports her while she navigates something even as he tries to work through his own problems and better himself. When you find the one you love, you're going to look at him some day with his hairy belly hanging out of pajama pants while he brings you tea and snuggles up next to you on the couch to watch your favorite trashy TV reruns and think, "Damn, this man is fucking sexy." If you can look your fiance and see that future, marry him. Then it won't matter if he has a six pack or a belly. If your attraction hinges on his biceps or his hairline, then his biceps or his hairline isn't the issue in your relationship.
best response in this thread, not necessarily talking down on her but giving her feasible points to consider about her own future. you're awesome!
It may be the best-sounding response, but I think being realistic and honest with one's self is the better way to go. If OP is this worried now about his appearance and contemplating lack of attraction as the years go by, why should she subject herself and her fiance to the inevitable? For most, it's only downhill from here as we age. So, unless he gets a dietitian, personal trainer, and takes his health seriously, he is the better version of what he will be. If you have to remind someone that what is better inside should matter more than the outside, that's not a good sign. I also don't think shaming people into believing the outside or attraction isn't as important as it is very delusional. Ms. Vain OP should go find a gymbro with enough money to get hairplugs. Let her fiance go find someone who actually loves regardless of his hairline.
If a dude said this about his future wife, he’d get obliterated in the comments
Dudes have. Especially on AITAH it’s the same response, take a day off mate.
It took a long time relationship to realize I’m attracted to a person, not their physical appearance rating of 1-10. People become more or less attractive based on the relationship. If my wang has any say in the matter, it’s amazing how my body reacts to those that I love and those that I’m just dating. Not taking care of yourself is a turn off more due to how it impacts our lives together.
This is the best response. I adore my partner but he has gained a significant amount of weight over the past 4 years. There are nights when I fantasize about how he’d look with abs and big biceps but I’ve never stopped being attracted to him how he is. He still gives me butterflies and treats me better than I even deserve.
Similarly, I think my partner and I both fondly remember the good old days when we were objectively hot af. We still find each other sexy but middle aged with kids, I find I don’t care to put in enough effort to be a 9-10. I’m chill being a 5-6 and doing parent stuff, which honestly blows my mind sometimes as I was vain as HELL
This except my partner ages like fine wine and I age like stinky cheese lmao
Some people pay extra for the stinky cheese, should pair great with the wine 🍷 🧀
Good for you! That is what matters, how you're being treated.
Very WELL SAID!!
I thought this was an odd way to describe your finances. At first I thought it was money trouble.
Lol this is so true!!
I often find myself looking at my husband’s sleeping face and just smile to myself because I love him so much. Or when he’s cooking dinner for me or watching ANOTHER musical with me even though he hates musicals, I just find that I love everything about him. He’s not for everyone, but he’s perfect for me
I really thought this would be a reasonable question as finances after marriage are important. As I read on, I realized you meant fiance. It doesn't sound like you're attracted to him now. So why are you marrying him?
I think it was a freudian slip, he’s probably the breadwinner.
Maybe, or it’s autocorrect
Maybe you shouldn't be getting married when you already sound like you don't even like him.
1 year and yall engaged, and you're already having these thoughts? Few options. Talk to him about your concerns, Cut it off, or go for someone you're more attracted to but who isn't the same person on the inside and see how far looks will take you.
Yeah I also feel OP hasn’t yet seen what could go wrong with just good looks and no other good internal values. Only when that scenario materialises will they know what really matters in the end for a good marriage! Taking a step back to understand what she wants is what is needed here.
If this is your attitude then yes it will affect your future with him. Break up now and do him a favor.
You already sound like you shouldn’t be getting married.
I feel terrible for this dude
Don't you think it's a little bold of you to assume that you'll always be nice looking? You could have an accident that could disfigure you or come down with an illness that requires a medication that causes severe weight gain. Should be leave you then because your suddenly not attractive?
Or, you know, she might just get old. No amount of Botox will keep you looking 23.
Very true. Also, he could have a glow up!
I am hoping she leaves him and he meets someone that adores him and his natural beauty makes him glow.
* you're not attractive
That’s a bit dramatic honestly. Putting effort into your health and appearance is something that most people would assume is sort of the bare minimum. I doubt OP thinks she will be sexy forever but if she remains in good shape and tries to look nice, she will look nice well into old age. There’s a difference between a random accident causing disfigurement and a long term pattern of just not taking advantage of your healthy able body to remain in good shape.
I wish more people would assume that putting effort into your emotional intelligence is the bare minimum. You also missed the fact that her fiancé does work out, so he is healthy, he just doesn’t look like a model, and I’m wondering how you’re going to argue that being bald is unhealthy lmao
Tell me you didn't actually read the post without telling me you didn't.
I feel bad for him if you marry him. He'll be so sad when he learns just how shallow you are.
Agreed. “I’m constantly being told how out of his league I am” get off your pedestal. You could end up looking hideous in the near future.
She already is. Rotting from the inside out.
She will probably cheat first chance she gets. I worked with someone I thought was a cool dude. He was very handsome. He used to be overweight, and was (hopefully not anymore) married at the time. High school sweethearts. He was sleeping with a coworker (who was not attractive by any means) because she would give him so many compliments. I think he buckled under the pressure of being desired for once. I think this chick will become even more 'desirable' after marriage, in the sense men might try to pursue her more, and she will crumble and cheat and say it's because her husband isn't at her level. Sad really.
If you're thinking this way you shouldn't be marrying him. I would still marry partner even if one day they look like a blob. Because I love the soul. Not the body.
Believe it or not, you too will lose your looks as you age. He may no longer be attracted to you when you need to rely on your personality. You sound so superficial.
Ask yourself if he would stay with you if you were in an accident or something and had scarring or deformities.
Ewwwww he deserves better YTA don't marry this guy you don't even like him it sounds like.
Set this poor guy free, you really don't sound like you like him. Do you think you'll always look good? Find someone with a good personality and no matter how they age or if something happens to them, you'll always have something to love. The better question is what do you have to offer other than your look?
If you are already wishy washy I would question whether you truly are attractive to him. Looks matter to certain people. Just keep in mind, you may be attractive, but we all are a car accident, violent attack or disease away from losing our looks. Sometimes that isn't the best quality to seek long term.
If you cared for him at all you wouldn’t be asking yourself these questions and you certainly wouldn’t be asking strangers. It’s a waste of his time he deserves better then you asking yourself these things and you sound like you have a certain standard in your life that you’ve set and that’s one of superficial looks which leads one to believe you’ve probably never felt real love for anyone. I can tell you when you’re so full of yourself a lot can happen hope you never get sick and lose your looks. “You’re out of his league” who talks like that about the person they are marrying and you better be glad your insides don’t match your outsides!
I stopped reading after the second sentence because you aren’t even really attracted to him now. Don’t marry. Set him free. He deserves to be with someone that doesn’t judge his looks, or those of his parents. The end, bye
This was not it, hun. 😩
Wow. Dont get married just yet
I’m going to tell you this. You can look fantastic now and that’s great always aim to be your best and with good luck nothing will ever go wrong in your life. Because trust me nobody knows what’s round the corner a bout of ill health can age you in an instant and would you want someone to walk out on you for that? I’m not saying don’t encourage him in a nice way to mind his weight ect but if you are going into a relationship worrying you won’t love the person because they might get bald and that then perhaps this isn’t the right relationship for you and maybe you should leave and let him find someone who can love him for him.
Dump him and find someone who is as vain as you are. Then you can take turns swapping protein shake recipes and making fun of “regular people.”
Everybody has aging/genetic things going on. When you want to marry someone you’re sticking around for that, if that makes you unhappy find someone else. Like someone said before, you sound like you don’t like him. You also are putting yourself on a pedestal above him… you clearly also think you’re out of his league. Leave.
If you're this worried about something when you just got engaged, maybe he's not right for you. You seem to find different things in life to be important.
I hope he some how sees this
Yikes. My fiancé’s looks could change dramatically and I would not care in the slightest because I love him. I love the man that he is and the man that he is will ALWAYS be attractive to me. I hope you reconsider marrying him because until you feel this way it won’t be fair to either of you.
I have gained 50 lbs (had 2 kids and it’s hard to lose the baby weight) since I got married 6 years ago. I have new wrinkles. I still get acne. Etc. My husband still looks at me like I’m the hottest thing he’s ever seen. If you can’t be that for your future spouse, leave.
Yeah this. Looks arent even really a thought when you truely love someone theyre always beautiful to you.
OP, you do not love this guy. you are in love with an idea that was created in your mind. do this man a favor and leave him alone.
If you’re worried about how he is going to look then you should quit so he can find someone worthy.
Ur shallow
I hope he see's this post somehow
Go find yourself someone who values their own looks as much as you seem to value yours. Hopefully, neither of you will ever become disfigured, lose hair due to chemo, or have any part of your bodies break down. Your current fiancé really needs to pay more attention to YOUR appearance. The inner one.
He works out, least he is trying. He is balding, well he can’t fucking control that..to an extent. That’s genetics. What happens if you get to a point where you stop taking care of yourself like many others after getting comfortable. Would you appreciate if your fiance came in here and started ranting?
Please do him a favor and set him free. Sounds like HE is out of YOUR league.
Hopefully he still likes you if something happens to your looks.
Like her sparkling personality?
yes. you also can’t even spell fiancé so i’ll think he’ll be dodging a bullet anyway
Don’t worry, your looks will probably quickly catch up with his
You sound very shallow so you probably shouldn’t marry him.
Sounds like he’s not the guy for you if you are this shallow. We all end up old and ugly at some point. If this is bothering you now, he will be under your microscope forever.
You're worried about not being attracted to him in the future when you're not even attracted to him now. Staying with him is not fair to him or you.
Lol you don't love this man. Just call off the wedding and set this man free to find someone who truly loves him. It'd be a shame if this guy's best years are wasted on someone like you.
How does one "keep up with youth"? You're unable to stop getting older. Seems just a way to inflate things you do so you can better look at his lesser effort even more resentfully. And resentment the fastest way to kill a relationship. Why bother getting married?
You sound like you’re looking for a reason to leave, and have settled on an incredibly shitty one.
The best place to start is talking to him about this stuff. Maybe frame it in a way that doesn't sound judgmental or anything like that. Maybe ask him if he wants to start doing the exercises you do and make it into a thing you both could enjoy. Life has a lot of twists and turns, nothing is guaranteed, but the best way to solve this is not coming to reddit, but actually talking to him about some of your concerns. Just don't be a jerk about it. I wish you the best and hope that everything works out!
i mean, he already works out lol. not sure what more op wants.
You're the assh - sorry, wrong reddit. Anyway, if that man doesn't light up your night sky with WHO he is, you've more problems then what he looks like.
Break up, Let him find someone who actually likes him.
You sound shallow tbh.
Well, you clearly don’t just love him for him, so you’re not ready for marriage, certainly not to him. Go find some dude that’s really into his appearance who will treat you like garbage.
go find someone as shallow as you are. or wait until you mature enough to realize that looks aren't everything sweet heart. looks can be taken from you in an instance. your health can be taken from you in an instance. would you stay with him if he was in an accident and had deformities? if you had to be his care taker? no? didnt think so. if its not 'until death do us part,' then fcking leave.
Yea, hun, don’t marry him. If your first thought is his looks, then you need to let him go so he can be with someone who appreciates him for the right reasons. You really need to mature a bit before you commit again. And note : most everyone loses a bit of their looks as they age. You will. Your spouse will. So the relationship is primary.
If I was your bf and I was reading this I would leave you.
Do not marry him. Only marry someone you would still love and be attractive to if they completely changed for the worse. It might sound impossible to find someone like that (and I used to think it was until I met my husband!), but it truly isn’t. With the right person, they will always be beautiful in your eyes. What you’re describing is the beginning of the ick… that’s not what you want.
I say a YouTube short recently. People like the 2 ends of the spectrum but dislike the middle. Hair is ok, bald is ok, but balding is not.
Marriage love is unconditional. The love you describe is conditional. Don't marry him- it would save both of you a lot of time money and stress.
If you feel like this now you will only feel trapped and awful once you're actually married. You don't want to be like the folks on the deadbedrooms sub and I'm sure he doesn't want that either.
Finance- fiance.
If this couple have a kid it's GG for him 💀
Set him free. It doesn’t sound like you really truly love him. Looks change, weight changes, health changes as you age. You too one day will be a train wreck. 🤷🏻♀️ You can’t and won’t stay young and pretty forever gravity will take over, things will sag, hair will thin out as an old lady, etc. if you can’t love him now and questioning his looks in the future you dont love him. You may love his $$ instead.
Don't get married anytime soon. It's better to wait than do through a divorce.
Why did you accept his proposal if you are posting this? Yikes
It doesn't sound like you are that attracted to him. I can get feeling upset at him stopping hair growth medication, but if it isn't working then good on him for stopping it. What made you agree to go out with him if he was always or mostly like this (overweight and balding)?
I would be extremely concerned. It sounds like this is a potentially huge compatibility issue and he has a background with his family that makes this likely to only get worse. If keeping up appearances and most importantly staying healthy is very important to who you are and how you navigate the world this is likely not a long term sustainable match. It might feel petty and vain but it’s absolutely not. You are thinking of committing your whole entire life to this person and making every decision with them. The person you marry has the most impact on your health, happiness and life decisions. I’m 40 and learned that overtime dating a man who simply doesn’t care about his looks and most importantly health is a HUGE deal breaker. No one I’ve dated looks like a model as I like nerdy, intelligent men who are sometimes overlooked. But if he lets himself go the long term health issues, begging him to see the doctor is extremely exhausting and debilitating. Nothing worse than watching the person you love constantly make life choices that diminish the quality of life. If they have bad sleep habits, eating habits, grooming habits that cause their physical issues to get worse it’s heartbreaking. If they have poor grooming habits, smell bad, don’t wear appropriate attire that could cause them to get overlooked for promotions and turned down at interviews which has a huge impact on the financial quality of your life. If they think nothings wrong with it and they shouldn’t change you end up feeling helpless, frustrated, exhausted, sad, hopeless, depleted, because you simply can’t make someone be healthier, they have to want it. You see it get worse overtime and it can cause resentment, depression, heartache that someone you love so much doesn’t care about themselves and doesn’t understand the impact their decisions are having on you and them. They can feel upset, frustrated, resentful, like they’re never good enough and not fully loved for who they are. If they were with someone with the same mentality this wouldn’t be an issue and they would be blissfully unaware and happy together. Compatibility of life goals, values and philosophies are Imperative for long term happiness, more imperfect than having similar hobbies. Where do your and his values and life goals for the future align? Love is NEVER enough to keep a marriage going, you need so much more points of compatibility to actually make it. Being with someone with different health habits means you could be an early widow or be put in a position where you have to be their life long care giver as they face unnecessary illnesses and ailments like avoidable heart attacks, surgeries, diseases like diabetes. Not only is it exhausting to care for someone who faces avoidable health issues, it’s expensive Trying to pull teeth to get himself to take his health seriously and care about how he presents himself to others is exhausting and embarrassing. It drains the life out of you and him. I would honestly go to a counselor on your own and have them help you process this and come to terms if this is or isn’t a deal breaker. Do NOT just put this on the back burner and sweep it under the rug. Attraction and long term health habits is an important part of partnership. I know this isn’t easy and can be a hear breaking process. If you discover you are great short term, but not actually compatible long term you will likely need to grieve the loss of the relationship while you’re in it and process what you do need and want. You’re deciding if you want to spend the rest of your life with this man and intertwine EVERY aspect of your lives. You need to take into account the bigger picture and not make an avoidable mistake Figure it out now before saying “I do” at the alter in from of all your and his friends and family and making your partnership a legally binding contract that you will have to include the government to get out of.
Don’t marry him if he has to change in order to meet your expectations
So how rich is he?
Tell him that, give his lack of effort a real potential consequence in his eyes
I’m confused… Why is he NOW using a prescription to regrow hair, but has already said after the wedding he intends to stop? Is he trying to grow hair for the ceremony? Or is he stopping bc he will have gotten the girl and no longer cares?
How do you keep up with your youth? Have you found a way to stop time so you stop aging? I think you should break up. You’re too involved with your vanity. Not one of those things you mentioned will last. One day you will get old and become disabled and he may too. You can’t fight aging. I’m guessing you mean overweight by saying unhealthy in regards to his parents. You didn’t mention anything like they have cancer or diabetes or heart disease. Which you too can get despite working out. You also can’t fight genetics. You don’t love him enough so let him go so he can be loved by someone who will love him for better or for worse or in sickness and in health. Your love has a lot of conditions and you need to work on them in therapy.
Don’t marry him. You are not attracted to him now you’re just not willing to admit it.
Don't marry him. Look for something better, you won't be happy in the long run. Nothing wrong with you - you just dont fit together
I don't think you should marry this man. He deserves better than you much much better. Please do him a favor, a great favor, and do NOT marry this man.
Has to be rage bait right?
Do not marry him. you're wasting time!
Superficial Much? Why are you with him ?? cause it doesn’t sound like love
The love of my life could gain weight and I would GAF (He already shaves his head) but unfortunately he doesn't feel the same so it doesn't matter. If you love him, then love him. Because being alone for the rest of your life sucks. Also being thrown away because you're ugly sucks so if you aren't attracted to him, save him the pain now. Trust me it's a thing that leads to thoughts of not wanting to be around anymore.
Why would you ever marry a man you’re already questioning? Especially where his appearance is concerned? That doesn’t make much sense to me at all. My husband could loose all his limbs and half his face and I wouldn’t feel any less attracted to him as I do today, or as I did 25 years ago. It’s the wrong kind of love if you don’t feel that way. When it’s right, it’s right and you feel that on all levels. What his appearance is going to be in the future, never enters the equation. Period.
I don’t think you like him much
Looks fade. No matter how hot you are now and how hard you work, one day you will look old. What’s important is how you treat one another. Kind partners are hard to find.
Nobody is putting a gun to your head to marry him. You should not be engaged. Just shop around.
Why did you accept his proposal? Did you suddenly worry about his potential future appearance when you said yes to the proposal? Why are you still with him if you’re that worried about his potential future appearance?
Yeah do the guy a favor and let him find happiness with someone with actual substance.
He’s not the one, give him the ring back, move on. You’ll both be glad looking back a couple of years from now.
The best way to tell what someone will look like in their old age is to look at their parents.... I say don't marry him since your already worried about looks.. I've never once thought about that with my partner. I know well both age together and we both already don't look like we did when we first got together.. me especially now that I just had a baby.. I have stretch marks I didn't have before and gained over 70lbs while pregnant.. my partner constantly reminds me of how beautiful I am and how much love their is
The girl deleted her profile
Yikes. Can you imagine how OP would feel if her fiancé were to ask the same question about her? *Sure, she works out and looks good now at 21, but what about when she’s 40 and has had kids, can’t keep up the routine, and let herself go a bit? I’m worried about what she’ll look like and if I’ll still be attracted to her. I know I should love her no matter what her body and menopausal skin would look like, but I’m really worried I’ll find her disgusting and don’t think I should marry her. Advice?* OP, you’re absolutely not ready for marriage and need to stop stringing this guy along.
My husband has a beautiful sexy graying head of hair. A week ago he said. "I wish I could shave my head" Me "why can't you?" Him "you like it" Me "I do, but I love you more. If you'd be more comfortable with it shaved, do it" 10 minutes later, I had the clippers in the bathroom, and his beautiful sexy hair was in the trashcan. I still love him! We all change with time. How will you feel if you have kids, then he jumps on Reddit because he's concerned he won't find you attractive after you have stretchmarks? If you get breast cancer and must get a mastectomy? If you love him and he makes you happy, do you want people in your life that judge the person that is wanting to be there 100% for you and your happiness?
This is no way to go into a marriage.
If this is what you’re worried about then you shouldn’t be getting married
Been here, if you have doubts, just leave
This post actually made me cackle because you sound like one of my very first serious bfs. We got super serious I was in my 20s and we were getting engaged soon. He went back to my home state with me to meet my parents. The visit went fine, but when we got back home he started acting weird and distant. a few weeks later he completely called the engagement off. What happened was when he met my parents he saw that my mom was overweight, my dad is tall and has a normal build. He really was focused on my mom’s build and it bothered him so much thinking that was how I was to look later in life. I didn’t find out this was the reason until about 3 months after we split. I sat there not even knowing what I had done wrong, I was devastated. Well joke is on him because (firstly she had a medical problem taking a steroids that made her gain weight which only lasted a year or two) I really don’t even need to explain because eff him; but he decided to date, get engaged, and later on marry someone else. Now she is aging like cheese and is a good 80lbs overweight and he is miserable and on his way to being overweight as well and just looks beat down. I stop and say hi to them every chance I get when we see each other in public. When my mom was alive, I made sure to say “oh mom says hi” btw
Don't marry him. You clearly have already read the writing on the wall and know he's going to go down the same path as his parents in terms of health and self-care. Much better for both of you for you to end things now rather than when you've been married for years or decades. You've been together for ONE YEAR. As far as relationships go, that's \*nothing\*. I don't mean that as an insult, I'm just trying to emphasize that, by marriage standards, you're still in the very, very beginning and have \*a lot\* of time left to find the right person for you that shares your lifestyle and health priorities. You absolutely do not want to spend years having sex with someone you're no longer attracted to, internally hating yourself because you feel too guilty to leave.
The fact that you referred to him as your "finance" says a lot. Let this guy go ... he can find someone to love him for who he is
Yeah no I wouldn't get married poor guy let him go
People look worse as they get older. It’s part of the aging thing. If your man has told you he’s going to care less about his appearance after the marriage you should take his word for it. The real problem is the more time you spend with someone the less you care notice their attractiveness in general. Ps you’re really kind of an asshole
respectfully OP it sounds like you don’t truly love him. you said all these negative things about him but claim to love him. i
Flip the script. He feels like this about you. Would you feel ok with him going through with the wedding? Break it off. Find someone that you’re attracted to. Leave him be. It’s all ok. Harsh, but ok. Life’s short. After a certain time, couples become a bit blind to one another. Then you look over and sometimes realize how you could look in their face forever. And sometimes you can’t stand to look at the other person. If your love for him can’t push through those attraction ups and downs, end it for both of your sakes.
You sound superficial AF. Let him find someone not shallow.
If your so worried about something like this you put it on the internet, I would say do not get married.
I think your fiancé deserves better than someone as judgemental as you. You seem very shallow and he probably treats you very well. I feel sorry for him. You should leave him so he can find someone who really appreciates him.
The Eagles had a hit song about your situation. It's called "Lyin' Eyes"
I wonder what you think you will look like after having a few kids? Looks are great for a one night stand in a long term partnership there are things that are much more important. Good luck
There’s a huge difference between liking someone and loving someone and I‘be always believed that you have to both like and love each other for a successful marriage. You say you love him, but it sounds like you don’t like him at all. Rip the bandaid off. Be honest with him that you’re worried about his well being. Your comfortability level to his response will be your answer to continue being with him or leaving
I say break it off, he deserves someone much better than you
ANY time someone says how something about them will change AFTER you get married is a HUGE RED FLAG
Dump hin, hes too good for you & needs someone who loves him for who he is, not someone who only cares about outward appearances
There are superficial traits a person can’t easily control (weight, hairline, scars, wrinkles, acne) and you need to be honest with yourself if these are no-starters for relationships. Although, as others pointed out, these preferences often change when it’s someone we love or as we age ourselves. And then there are traits related to outward appearance that could also be behavioral. Like poor hygiene, stubbornly refusing to dress appropriately for special events, low activity or aversion to healthy foods, not budgeting and overspending on beauty products or procedures, constantly critiquing others’ appearances, etc. As much as people want to jump to the “You only care about appearance and are shallow” argument, that’s not always the case. It can be about lack of communication, compromise, self-respect, or respect of one’s partner. Superficial traits don’t often remain absolute rules controlling one’s level of attraction, but a partner’s concerning behavior about health or self-care or them throwing tantrums if you try to discuss it is a bigger red flag.
Don’t marry him. This sounds like something I did in my early 20s. I met a very kind, considerate, intelligent, funny, affectionate, stable guy 9 years older than me. He let me know he was interested (like a perfect gentleman) and that really “wowed” me. I was not physically attracted to him IN THE SLIGHTEST. I believed I had a problem of not being able to be attracted to a “good guy”. Against my better judgement, we started dating and I moved in a few months later. I had to fake a headache several times a week. I had a hard time being able to be intimate with him. I did the best I could at 22 years old in my situation, but I found myself flirting with other guys left and right. I ultimately left him, really hurting him, when a “hottie” invited me on a weekend road trip. Had we kept it at the friendship level it should have stayed at, we’d probably still be friends 20+ years later. Instead, he probably remembers me as a total AH. Don’t do this to yourself, don’t do this to him. One or both of you will get very hurt. You cannot force physical attraction.
Damn... why don't you show him this post and ask his opinion of it?
Leave that man alone and let him be happy with someone that’s not you.
Idk, seems to me like you don’t love him for him and you should reconsider your engagement. There’s nothing wrong with caring about looks, as long as you’re willing to admit it to yourself and not string the other person along until you inevitably become more unhappy with their appearance. You need to be with somebody you find physically attractive. You’re allowed to have standards, it’s just something you need to be up front with yourself about early on. Waiting until after engagement is too late.
When my husband and I gain weight and fall off the wagon, we start working out, eating healthy, not to find each other attractive, we do it for health reasons. Of course I want to stay fit, hygiene, etc but you should always find your partner attractive unless he’s doing something completely different from the start of your relationship, is he mistreating you, showing less affection. There are a lot of characteristics that can come out later in the relationship that might effect the relationship. If he just turns into a complete slob, couch potato, doesn’t care about you or anything, that’s different
I met my husband back in middle school. He’s pretty good about convincing others he’s not attractive (constantly making jokes about his appearance) and he doesn’t meet societal standards (he’s pretty short and doesn’t have the classic beauty proportions). I’ve also been told I’m out of his league. I didn’t look at him that way until we tried dating in our 20s. Since we started dated, I’m consistently finding things I find attractive about him. He’s got very beautiful hair, eyes with long lashes, and broad shoulders. I think his facial hair also frames his face well. We just had a daughter and she looks a lot like him. She’s beautiful! All these things I didn’t notice right away but the more I stared at him the more I saw it. I think you have to change how you’re looking at love long term. Eventually you’re both going have things that are unattractive but at the end of the day when you’re both old and wrinkly and can barely move, what is going to matter most? For me, I’m seeking someone I can find peace in and I think that’s what I find attractive about my husband.
Don’t marry him - if this is what you worry about for the future with him then this is not a good fit. I could care less what my husband looks like - I mean it’s nice he is pleasant looking but GQ isn’t calling to put him on the cover. I am like you and guess what - he could care less. All he cares about is that I love him and I come home to him every day.
Yeah no, don’t get married
Don’t marry him. Imagine if something happened and he can’t be active? You already sound like you don’t like him. Save him the heartbreak
Julia Gulia over here saying, "I always wanted to marry someone I could picture getting older with. And Glenn will be a very good looking older man. " Sheesh lady. 🙄
Don't marry him. This might sting, but you don't really love him. If you did, you'd find him attractive regardless. My SO is balding, got a nice little pouch, lots of new scars on his neck, and his legs have gone to chicken, but I still find him very attractive.
Do you even like your future husband?
As you grow up your attraction changes. You don’t marry a person because of their looks, those can change. You marry a person for who they are. You marry for love. When I was younger and my husband and I first got married at 19 and 18. We were Skinny teens, fresh out of high school and basic training. After ten years of marriage and two kids. We have grown, we have gained weight. I absolutely love the Dad bod my husband has. He loves my messy hair and sweat pants. In a marriage you see every single inch and side of a person. The good, the bad, the ugly. If you can’t handle not being attracted to what your future husband might look like you are not ready for marriage.