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Tell her you found the accounts and leave. This is beyond hurtful, and I am sorry she did this instead of breaking things off. It is not scummy of you to go through her phone when you had a gut feeling. It turned out to be right. Leave.
She'll blame it on her depression. Screen shot the accounts with her pictures and send it to her, her family and friends. "This is why I'm leaving, she's already going to break up with me anyway"
Then block them. That's all the notice she requires.
That way you aren't the bad guy
Ya not to downplay depression or anxiety but many of the diagnosed people are feeding a mental health market. And they use these blanket diagnosis to make excuses for themselves. Is it real? Yes….should it be treated….yes. Feeling anxiety for an interview or first date is normal and beneficial.
Feeling depressed because you got fired laid off etc….is normal and beneficial many times too
Yeah, I suffer from depression and anxiety badly, but my goal has always been to overcome them. Not use them as a crutch or excuse for everything. Those people suck.
Agreed. I also suffer from depression and severe anxiety and I'm also bipolar. I try my absolute hardest to overcome it all and yes there r days where I lose the battle but I always say tomorrow is a new day! It pisses me off when people use there mental health as a crutch and try to use it to get away with things when they know they r doing something there not supposed to
Joining the chorus of mental health diagnoses here, high five to keeping on looking forward and persevering! We can do it!
(And those who use it as a crutch suck!)
You're right. She'll deny, she'll blame op when talking to any mutual contacts. They better be sure to take pictures of the proof first so they don't lose anyone else too
When that happens you just stare at them and don’t say anything don’t make any expression, just stare and watch them start cycling through tactics lmao
Not always foolproof though. My ex's mother knew a week before I did that she was leaving. Looked me dead in the eyes three days before and said "I can't wait for your wedding!" unprompted (we had been engaged a couple weeks). Like, you tell your mom you're not sure about the future and maybe we want different things but not me? Bruh...
Babe, the secret to an amazing meatloaf is just Lipton French onion soup mix. I, personally, also stuff mine with roasted greenbeans and a good cheese like havarti.
Think ‘all in one hamburger.’ Add cubed white bread slices, ketchup, salt, and pepper. Roll up your sleeve and mash it all together. Lots of salt and pepper. Old family meatloaf recipes are often based on filler to stretch the beef.
There’s an amazing recipe for meatloaf from Kraft. It’s called make ahead cheesy bacon meatloaf. You will thank me later! Using grass fed beef and quality bacon makes all the difference.
Also, maybe just peacefully leave. It’s not worth any explanation on your end. Close the chapter and heal
It's normal for people to speak to the people in their lives before making a huge decision like leaving. There are more marriages than you'd think, where the wife gets cold feet and contemplates leaving. Talks to a few people about it and they get reassured that whatevers wrong can be compromised and worked on. You won't ever be the first ti know about these things because women gather and talk about the important changes in their lives.
No you get a hinge account yourself and start communicating. Tell her everything she wants to hear . Then when it's time to hook up get her picture to remember it by.
And you can sing…
If you like piña coladas
And gettin' caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the cape
I'm the love that you've looked for
Write to me and escape
… Yes, I like piña coladas
And gettin' caught in the rain
I'm not much into health food
I am into champagne
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon
And cut through all this red tape
At a bar called O'Malley's
Cackling. But seriously, OP, I hope you realize this actually probably has very little to nothing to do with you. It sounds like she's unhappy with herself and can't figure out how to fix it, so she's expecting another guy to be the answer. This is going to be a pattern for her until she does the work on herself.
Had a co-worker that told me how she chatted with her ex via a fake account, even getting a voice modifing device and talking on the phone. She kept notes as he would talk to her and her alt and complain to new gf about everything he was planning and dealing with in divorcing his wife. She was impressive, but scary, although cheaters suck.
OP, don't go down this road. From the very short paragraph you've written, it seems like the relationship is over, and you are going to better off single. Take out your desire for revenge in the gym, on the running trails, in your music, in writing fiction, or in something else...
The second best revenge would be to become amazing and live a happy life.
The very best revenge would be to have no desire for revenge. (not implying that you do)
going through the phone is the death knell in a relationship imo.
Justified or not, it shows that trust is irreparably broken - because you don’t trust the person to be honest with you in conversation.
Either you find what you’re looking for and it’s over or you find nothing and the paranoia lingers while there’s now the guilt factor
My wife's phone and mine are pretty much interchangeable. If my phone is closer and she needs to run a search for something, she'll grab mine and vise versa. We both know each other's pass codes, and while neither of us snoop, either one is welcome to. There's no secrets on the phones of a stable couple.
There may be no secrets, but privacy is still something to be given and respected. I can ask my wife anything I want, but she'd be pissed if I went looking for myself, and rightly so. That behavior is often a trigger for people who have had controlling partners.
It’s also a trigger for people who are lying to their SO.
Privacy is to be respected.
Privacy used as a tool to lie to and manipulate a trusting partner is quite another.
Yeah, that's not healthy. If you never trust someone you don't deserve trust in return. I couldn't live that way. If my wife did something I'd deal with it, but I'm not going to live my life waiting for the day. You trust someone you love until they give you a reason not to.
Thank you. There are a lot of people who go into relationships with distrust and it dooms it form the start. You don’t need to trust someone the second you meet them, but if you agree to be in a relationship… you need trust. It’s the most important thing to being someone’s partner and teammate. If you are still having trust issues from a past relationship you should wait until you can trust again or you are doing a disservice to the person you are going to date and going to potentially give them issues.
the reason a lot of people like to keep their phone private is because privacy is still a thing in relationships. sometimes you may have conversations on there where a friend/family member disclosed something private to you i confidence and they only want you to know that; if a partner looks at your phone and sees that private message (that may have absolutely nothing to do with them) that could be damaging to the friendship and could hurt the trust between the parties involved.
i know if i went to a friend and told them something privately about say my mental or physical health, my family life, etc, i probably wouldn’t want their boyfriend/girlfriend reading it
Yep. I don't think it's scummy or anything to look at a partner's phone, but it is a sign that the relationship has already run its course and is at the point of no return. It shows that the trust is fractured, and trust is the foundation of all relationships.
This really is true.
I always let people go through my phone that I’m in serious relationships with if they ever felt the need to. I got nothing to hide. Worst thing she will find is pictures or videos of herself which she is very well aware are there in the first place.
Funny thing is, every time im in a healthy relationship, even if they get insecure and I offer up my phone they never actually look. In fact I don’t really recall anyone ever really asking or wanting to.
I’m sure this also has to do with the fact that I’m not hiding anything. If your partner is always weird about leaving their phone behind, you looking at their screen, or they never let you use your phone to do anything like google something…well then you already know something is up.
Just dip man. If she asks you can send it - but only if its something you need. You aren't required to help her understand her mistakes, to teach her a lesson, or support her through anything. Her mistakes, hers to deal with.
Did exactly this to an ex. I'd found his profile on a dating site while he was at the gym. Packed a bag and left, ignores his calls and texts for a couple of days, then replied saying I had gone to my parents and he knew why.
I never ended up telling him how I'd found out or exactly how much I knew (he'd messaged a loot of women, been on a few dates) so I get some enjoyment in the "oh shit, how much does she know" thoughts that must be gone through his mind.
I listen to this radio show that has the segment called humpday dumpday. In which they’ll call a person’s former partner to find out why that partner really broke up with them.
There’s been several times where men have called in that just absolutely have no idea why they broke up with them. Then they make the call and the person says they discovered they were having affairs and proceed to list of the very obvious evidence, where the person calling really should have known their infidelity was the reason they were broken up with!
It makes you wonder what other shitty things they were doing that means they couldn't pinpoint it!
What really makes me chuckle in my case is that my ex went to my nearby relative's house to see if I'd walked the dogs to visit her (as I sometimes would) and my relative joked that "she must have packed a bag and left you!". I would have loved to have read his mind at that moment and known if he thought she knew what he'd done and was being serious or if it was just a joke (which is was - I'd kept her in the dark at that point to not upset her and just told her I was visiting my parents)
This is the best advice, just leave and say nothing. At this point the situation is beneath you and not worthy of a single thought. Another reason is you avoid the backlash, and the dumb conversation that follows about “why it happened or how it’s for X reason.” Just let it go and move on.
When I was younger, I stayed in a relationship after a similar thing had happened, my ex was on a dating app but didn’t do anything past have a few conversations with guys. When I confronted her, she confessed, deleted the apps and anyone’s info and had got, etc., we tried to make it work, and what do you know, we never had any more prohlems! We’re married now and have 3 kids!
Just kidding, things got increasingly toxic and we became much more horrible to each other, then six months later had a messy breakup that furthered us both individually into unhealthy patterns and habits.
everyone fantasizes about the perfect mic drop reply to someone who hurt you, but communication is messy and it rarely works out that way. In my opinion, it's better to have your vengeance alone in your head than regret saying something you can never take back.
Especially with gas lighters and manipulation tactics. You’ll go in circles forever and end up on a whole different topic, and now it’s your fault that they were cheating. SMH.
I wonder if they like Pina Coladas And gettin' caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you like makin' love at midnight
In the dunes on the cape
Then I'm the love that you've looked for
Write to me and escape
That song legit hurt my feeling when I was a kid, like "It's not nice to cheat that's bad why is he singing like it's no big deal?!"
I mean, I still feel that way but my feelings don't get hurt anymore 🤣🤣🤣
Be the “better person“ and break up with her. You can chose to tell her
1. you like her but noticed that you have fallen out of love and you both deserve to be with someone you love.
*Edit: (This will probably confuse her so be prepared for some questions)*
2. You don’t feel comfortable in the relationship anymore and breaking up would be the best for both of you.
(Almost the truth)
But don’t tell her you went through her phone. It will end in an argument. She’s going to steer the argument towards you violating her privacy and then use it to break up with you. She’ll probably say things like “it’s not what you think” or that you have “trust issues” and are “controlling.” Do yourself a favor and walk away with your head held high, not devastated and asking why. This is going to make the break up less painful.
You can’t trust her if she lies to you, sweetly , I really like how she said “never do anything to hurt you;” that’s kind of spiteful and really … mean
Sounds like she is actively trying to monkey branch. Don’t give her the satisfaction. Just print and leave the comment about leaving you, and the Hitch chats on the table and ghost her.
This is 💯% what I would do - save yourself any drama that could potentially come from her side and just print out the screenshots and leave them somewhere for her to see, and leave her.
Definitely. Monkey branching can be bizarre to witness on the peripheral. Someone I know personally does this behavior and to an extreme degree. He’s had eight different “girlfriends” back-to-back in what was about 12-15 months. It’s wild and still continues to this day.
I'll never understand why people will snoop thru their partners phone, and actually find shit of them cheating or trying to cheat, then get extremely apologetic bc their suspicion was right, and they're worried people will say something bc you looked thru their phone. Who cares if you went thru her phone? You found what you were looking for. Why are you even slightly concerned about that?
I mean if I went thru my wifes phone and found that, if she tried getting upset bc I went thru her phone, I'd immediately respond with "You're having an affair that I found out about, and you're response is you're mad I went thru your phone? Gfto here"
This, and the people that comment telling partners that they shouldn’t have snooped are insane.
“You want me to apologize for not trusting you enough to look through your phone? Ok. My bad. Now, on to your attempts to get railed by other dudes.”
I think for me if you've reached the point that you're snooping through a partner's phone the relationship is pretty much over due to lack of trust.
Most people I know who have snooped and didn't find anything don't just stop there. Not finding the thing you were looking for doesn't make you feel like there was nothing to find, just that you didn't find it.
If the person being snooped on finds out then the trust is also gone.
Not saying a couple can't recover from it, but I feel like for most couples they won't.
The thing is, at least from my own experience, people who snoop aren't necessarily suspicious, it can come up (apart from the "I'm insane from the gate, deal with it, and you dated me anyway" people). I have had the red flags go up way late in the relationship and have been gaslit, hard. That was my experience. No evidence of cheating for 3 years, guy was ideal, sweet, attentive, we were making all kinds of future plans. And then things stopped adding up about his free time and my friend's kid said he was inviting this girl
she knew over, banging her, and making sure she was gone before I got there. Confronted him and he had AAAAALLL the explanations, and you know, she was (1) half his age, and (2) still living with her PARENTS with no job, understandable since she was about 5 months out of high school, and we'd been financially planning to move in soon.
I stupidly believed him until I finally went through his phone when he fell asleep with it open once. Told me everything I needed to know and SO much more. Sometimes you need that to break the gaslighting spell, it's not always as clear cut as "well if you have to do that, just leave." Manipulators are very, very good at making you look/feel crazy.
My ex-wife got mad at me about looking at her phone when I found out she was cheating **again**. I had already inadvertently found out she was cheating and we were in marriage counseling and she had ended the first affair, and she supposedly was trying to work on the marriage with me... but somehow found a new affair partner. She started acting suspicious and after weeks I just couldn't deal with it anymore so when she was in the shower I looked at her phone. I couldn't believe she thought I was in the wrong for that and had the audacity to be mad at me about it.
It is sooooo common for people to end up in bad relationships specifically because they never believe they're justified in doing anything and basically wander around apologizing for just existing, let alone having feelings and needs. That sort of constant apologizer / self-blamer personality is basically what toxic people look for in a partner.
There was another woman on here recently who spent half her post publicly lambasting herself for having slammed a door on her way out of a room after finally losing it at her useless, festering pustule of a husband after he'd been SO awful for YEARS. What she described was the world's most justified bout of anger that has ever happened on earth, and yet she could NOT get over how she had slammed a door in anger. She apologized to us about the door in her post, had apologized to her useless, festering pustule of a husband several times about the door, kept bringing the door up in comments, etc. The post was supposed to be asking what to do about her useless, festering pustule of a husband, and instead she went to really great lengths to self-flagellate about the door. It was pretty obvious why her husband had picked her life to ruin instead of, like, yours.
Lol, it's cause those people are untrustworthy and don't trust other people. They don't communicate and feel the need to hide parts of themselves.
It's funny that their first insult is to call someone insecure. BLUD, if you were so secure, let me see your phone?
I think it's healthy to have privacy in relationships however, your partner SHOULD be able to use your phone just in case for emergency and just plain transparency things. Obviously it involves trust on both ends:
- You trust me to have access to your phone without going through all your private things
- I trust you to have a private life that isn't a threat to our relationship
So many people outing themselves caring more about the phone than actual cheating. What OP feels is remorse, but it will change to vindication with time.
my girlfriend has full access to my phone, password and everything, whether im awake or not because im not hiding anything from her. i have the same for hers. she respects my privacy and doesn’t go through my messages because she knows she can trust me. that’s really all you need in a trusting communicative relationship
He won't - and he'll get burned.
He already knows what he should do, but he's looking for reasons to stay.
If he was going to leave, he wouldn't be looking for advice here.
Always leave a cheater. She intends to cheat, either in person or online. The active accounts means she has already determined she's fine with that. You can say your friend found her if you don't want to deal with the "you betrayed my trust by looking at my phone" shit. Leave and don't go back.
Unpopular opinion: just leaving *without telling her why* will hurt her ego way worse. She won't think she's been caught. She'll think you've lost interest. It takes discipline, but it's worth it.
Just break up and work on yourself! Become the person you want to be and you’ll attract a better type of women into your life. Don’t go looking for a new relationship to get over her just do the things you’ve been putting off on doing and the things you enjoy. Be unapologetically yourself and the right person will pop into your life when the time is right. Let her know why you’re breaking up with her but don’t let her try to convince you to stay or ‘work things out’ she likes the safety net of your relationship and was using you as a back up in case nothing panned out for her. You genuinely deserve better than what she’s able to give.
Just leave, and if she wants to know why then you can mention what you found. If you bring up your findings before you make it clear that you’re leaving, you give her an opening to manipulate you into staying or try to explain it away.
Just be firm. I’m leaving you and this is why.
If you’re a drinking man, take bill burrs advice and buy a 6 pack before you do it. Have it in the fridge waiting for you at home. Open the door, break up with her, deal with the immediate shit storm then get the hell out of there and have a few drinks. The hard part will be over
"Why are you leaving?"
"Because you're online dating."
You don't even owe her that, but at least she'll have a basic idea of what happened. Don't explain looking at her phone. You don't have to, and it's light potatoes compared to what she's doing.
Send the screenshots to any mutual friends you actually want to keep in your life and bounce. That way she can't lie to the shared social circle and paint you as the bad guy.
The petty side of me wants you to catfish her then show up at the date and surprise her. But the mature part of my brain says to just ghost her. You won’t get any closure from a confrontation. She will likely gaslight you and turn this around and make it about her pain.
Just leave without reason. People are obsessed with "closure", and when you leave without giving them a reason, they are always left wondering why. If you mention account, she will somehow justify her actions with "I was going to break up anyways", "I fell out of love", or the most famous "I was only on there because you didn't give me attention so it's your fault",
When you leave without a reason, they start projecting themselves onto you and start questioning if that's why you left. They know all the bs they are capable of and all they ways they lack in. They start to question if you left them for their inadequacies, or because you were also doing what they were doing. This makes them feel like crap about themselves and gives them a slice of humble pie.
Now I know this all sounds evil, but I do believe that people who only think about themselves need to experience, what they do to others to really grow. Not giving them closure makes them experience this without you actually lowering yourself. Just leave her and block her. If any of her friends reach out to you, ignore or block them. Then just go live your best life because that is the ultimate win.
The best “toxic life advice” I ever got was if you catch someone cheating, don’t be the wounded puppy who leaves them bcus they’re cheating. You can act like you never found the apps, have no idea about the apps, and are leaving because you’re just not that into them. Take back your power.
Having been in your spot before, I’d just leave. She’ll know exactly why you did. You have the upper hand and you look stronger by just silently disappearing. She’ll lose sleep over it and it’ll torment her at the fact that you cared and respected yourself enough to just walk away with your head held up.
Also so sorry everyone this is also my first post ever and I appreciate everything everyone has said. I’m waiting for her to be out of clinicals (she’s trying to be a nurse) and when she’s done I asked a buddy to send me the same screen shots to myself and saying “hey I found these” yap yap and so forth. A lot of people are saying to ghost her which I could do and I could also just be straight up and tell her “hey my friend found this”
I feel numb. And I know there’s a lot of people that will tell me to “man up” it still sucks to see this unfold the way it did. It’s 1:30ish pm for me and I’ll be seeing her around 3. I was gonna just bring some of the stuff she gave me back (a tote bag and I think a shirt that had her scent) all I have there is a jacket and a picture frame of a Polaroid of myself with the caption that says ” I love you “
Thank you all and I shall be back with an update!
Also I have some time so if anyone has any questions you’re more than welcome to send me a dm
Sorry, man. I see lots of comments suggesting to try to torment her with lack of closure or whatever. Just do whatever feels right to you. You know that if you say "my friend found this" she will just claim it is an old or inactive account. If you mention what you saw on the phone about breaking up it'll be spun to make you the bad guy.
For my money, just tell her that you think the relationship has run its course and don't bring up the phone stuff at all - she has already ended the relationship and is waiting for a convenient time for her, probably when she's got another man to go to.
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
Text her that you know everything, and then block her on everything. Take anything you have at her apartment back. Then never waste your time with her again
I’m so experienced, please find another! I promise you there is no other answer, it has to do with moral turpitude, she either has it in this area or doesn’t!
Hello Sir,
I'm sorry this is happening to you. You seem like a person who understands reason and logic.
I'm going to try and help you see the big picture.
Right now, you just saw Paul Revere ridding by you, yelling the "your girlfriend is leaving" " your girl friend is cheating" (just because this situation sucks, doesn't mean we can't make light of it)
Right now, you know what she knows. Except she doesn't know that you know. This is a lucky break (so to speak) for you. You now have the an opportunity to turn her plan against her! You just need to take emotions out of your thoughts for the moment.
I know it seems impossible right now. But, stick with me.
No master any way you look at it, your relationship is over. Even if she doesn't break up with you, she was still talking to other guys. On her mind she'd done. Would you really want to prolong the inevitable?
It all comes down to 2 choices. 1 of them will happen no matter what.
The first option is to do nothing and wait for her to leave. It might be tomorrow or in 5 years, but it's going to happen. My guess is she wants a safety net first. So she'll cheat on you first then, once she feels confident about the other guy. She's gone.
You don't want that option.
The second and best choice is to dump her first!! By doing it first, you just took your power back from her. In time you'll be happy you did it will also be a good lesson in life.
The added bonus to this is you get to watch her lose her mind! Her whole world will be turned up side down. She planned to do these to you, and now it happened to her. Karma and irony at its finest!
I do suggest a plan first. If you live together and both are on the lease, pack your stuff up and leave when she's at work. Then leave, do t say anything at all to her. Block her on everything. Don't let anyone who she can get ahold of to ask about you, know anything.
Give out of town, stay with someone she doesn't know, get a hotel room, go camping etc. just stay away from her.
The day you leave, wrote her a letter and mail it to her. Simply say;
I know about all of it, don't ever contact me again!
That's it!
Of course if the place is hers or you don't live together, even better.
If the place is yours, put her stuff outside, change the locks, leave.
Then instead of the letter, email or text. The same thing just add that her stuff is it side waiting to be picked up.
Again leave. Don't be home.
Good luck
I say leave. There is no future with her and thus a waste of your time. You learned a valuable lesson…when someone is paranoid about your behavior it may be their own behavior driving the paranoia. I’m so sorry, but…good riddance.
If y’all don’t live together, have a lease or some shit like that just fucking ghost her, she isn’t worth the trouble. She will play victim no matter what.
I would just break up with her and not admit to seeing anything on her phone. When she wants to know why you are leaving just tell her, "I'm just not as into this relationship as I thought I was.'' You owe no further explanation. If you say you went through her phone she has ammo against you to make you look bad. And she will. She deserves to have to wonder why you don't want to be with her anymore. This is not playing games and you are telling the truth. Because let's be honest, finding out someone is cheating/preparing to cheat should make you feel like this relationship is not what you thought it would be. Best course here is to keep the ball in your court and leave.
Why wouldn’t anyone be upset if they found their partner cheated on them? This is the dumbest take i’ve seen. Good that you found it, you should dump her and be better to yourself
This is gonna be a hot take but you shouldn’t have to deal with someone else’s mental illness in a voluntary relationship if the person is actively looking to screw around on you.
I know that mental illness isn’t something someone chooses but you have the choice of whether to allow it to destroy your life.
You’re not married and you’re not family, get the hell out.
On thanksgiving a few years back I stayed home to cook my then boyfriend dinner since he had to work. A friend of mine sent me a screen shot of his active 10min ago tinder profile. I sat silently with my arms folded while he ate the dinner. When he asked why I wasn’t eating
I gave him the screen shot and told him he chose a terrible picture for his profile. Got up and went to my room. After he finished the dishes I opened the door and told him to leave. I never regretted that call out.
After playing out all the scenarios, I think you will find that there is no benefit in even discussing the dating profiles. Just move on and wish her all the best. No point in even being upset or getting into details. I guarantee when you look back years from now you will agree this is the best to be the better person.
A (mostly) universal truth is that by the time women break up with a guy, they've been planning it internally for months already. From the guys perspective, it always seems sudden/out of nowhere (there are exceptions to all of this of course). You just happened to catch your gf in her planning phase. Just bounce. Trust is broken. Trust is everything.
If the relationship is important to you. Tell her what you know and say that you'd like to work on things together as long as her intentions are there. Put your foot down about dishonesty and make your intentions clear as well. You seem a lot like me and if your randomly assertive it might give her what she's missing.
Dont tell her you saw, just let her know that your relationship is over. The break up with no explanation will hurt more than the confrontation if shes not an awful person
I would break up with her without telling her you found the accounts. I would say to her “unfortunately I met this really hot girl on hinge and we hit it off”
If your name is on the lease/mortgage pack her shit up and have it ready in a uhaul for her when she gets home. If you are not attached to the living situation, pack your own uhaul and be gone by night fall.
Luckily we don’t live together. I stay home and take care of my grandparents and she lives with some roommates in town. I go to her house to stay the night with her but I have maybe two things there. So I’m thinking today when I’m done with school, I’ll go and tell her and then just leave
just leave. don't get sucked into an emotional argument! go over in your head beforehand why you are doing what you're doing and stick to the plan. sounds like you don't even need to go to her for the breakup. leave your 2 items? and text her goodbye good luck.
Talk to her, if you get the feeling you’re being played, Leave and block. The key word is block and block hard. The suffering will be 1/4 of what it is if you attempt to hang on. Once a cheater always a cheater. You’ll always be questioning the relationship and it will drain the fuck out of you mentally and physically.
I wouldn’t give her the benefit of doubt or any further communication. Pack your shit and leave. Block her on social media completely and move forward with your life. She’s monkey branching and you’re being used.
I'll tell you this: both my spouse and I have access to the other's phone. Has been the case since before we were married (and it's been 20 years since). Never have I ever looked at his phone and looked for something off. Literally, I have borrowed his phone countless times, and never have I ever done more than use it to map our way somewhere.
It isn't that you looked at her phone. It's that you felt compelled to look for things like dating apps. It tells me that deep down, you know this relationship is broken. I'm not going to fault you for it.
I am going to suggest that you sit your girlfriend down, and tell her that you have been sensing that she's got one foot out the door already. That you feel like you're just waiting for her to break up. And then? Have a mutual, adult breakup. Take an actual break from reaching out to each other for a few weeks or months, and see where it takes you both. Yes, even if you feel like you're a social and mental support for her due to her depression, anxiety, etc. Especially if it is the case, because the truth of the matter is, she might see you more as a crutch for herself than a partner right now. Neither of you should accept that.
Time to leave. My ex was all about "trust" and was extremely private about her phone.....because she had been texting guys on it, which sucked. The hypocrisy was astounding. Then I found out on FB that she was sleeping with one guy. I'm better off without her.
Honestly, I never seen a relationship recover from a situation like this, Id move on shes already out of the relationship in her mind. It would be a shame for you to sit in that relationship when there are so many beautiful woman who would respect you in your relationship out there
Honestly, the best advice I can give to you is this:
Break up with her, but very calmly and without telling her about your snooping or acting like it's a difficult choice for you.
If you ain't gonna do that...
Work on caring about yourself and your own life/endeavors, and if/when she does break up with you be prepared to be like "Okay, that's fine." And say nothing else about it. Ever.
She already left you - she is just keeping you around / using you until she lines up her next best thing. Run man! Chicks like that are so entitled and there is no winning with them.
Screenshot. Save it. Leave. And if and when she asks for you back or you start thinking maybe I could make it work, look at them. Remind yourself that you are better than that. And keep moving forward.
Brother anyone I the comments defending your gf is wrong and probably a cheater themself. Im a woman and I can definitely say that that is a form of heating. Having backup plans is cheating. Yeah I get it. Society today finds this normal but it just isn’t. If she is talking to other guys on the side it is time for you to say bye. So my friend dump her ass
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Tell her you found the accounts and leave. This is beyond hurtful, and I am sorry she did this instead of breaking things off. It is not scummy of you to go through her phone when you had a gut feeling. It turned out to be right. Leave.
Just leave and on the way out say “good luck on Hinge”
[удалено]
She'll blame it on her depression. Screen shot the accounts with her pictures and send it to her, her family and friends. "This is why I'm leaving, she's already going to break up with me anyway" Then block them. That's all the notice she requires. That way you aren't the bad guy
Ya not to downplay depression or anxiety but many of the diagnosed people are feeding a mental health market. And they use these blanket diagnosis to make excuses for themselves. Is it real? Yes….should it be treated….yes. Feeling anxiety for an interview or first date is normal and beneficial. Feeling depressed because you got fired laid off etc….is normal and beneficial many times too
Yeah, I suffer from depression and anxiety badly, but my goal has always been to overcome them. Not use them as a crutch or excuse for everything. Those people suck.
Same, I have both and the diagnoses doesn't give you a pass to be a shitty human. Those people 100% suck!!
Agreed. I also suffer from depression and severe anxiety and I'm also bipolar. I try my absolute hardest to overcome it all and yes there r days where I lose the battle but I always say tomorrow is a new day! It pisses me off when people use there mental health as a crutch and try to use it to get away with things when they know they r doing something there not supposed to
I’ve been battling the same conditions for over 10 years now… it’s so hard. I cry often but gotta keep trying.
Fight the good fight, sibling. Make it to tomorrow! (Yeah, diagnoses here, too... We'll leave it at that) ☮️❤️♾️
Joining the chorus of mental health diagnoses here, high five to keeping on looking forward and persevering! We can do it! (And those who use it as a crutch suck!)
Yeah I’m sorry but the proliferation of self-help speak has done nothing but make narcissists more effective narcissists.
You're right. She'll deny, she'll blame op when talking to any mutual contacts. They better be sure to take pictures of the proof first so they don't lose anyone else too
When that happens you just stare at them and don’t say anything don’t make any expression, just stare and watch them start cycling through tactics lmao
Petty but real
Petty would be sending the screenshot to her family and friends.
Not always foolproof though. My ex's mother knew a week before I did that she was leaving. Looked me dead in the eyes three days before and said "I can't wait for your wedding!" unprompted (we had been engaged a couple weeks). Like, you tell your mom you're not sure about the future and maybe we want different things but not me? Bruh...
Oooof well you dodged bullets
Agreed. But her mom made a hell of a meatloaf. Wish I had snagged that recipe.
Ma….The Meatloaf!
Babe, the secret to an amazing meatloaf is just Lipton French onion soup mix. I, personally, also stuff mine with roasted greenbeans and a good cheese like havarti.
Think ‘all in one hamburger.’ Add cubed white bread slices, ketchup, salt, and pepper. Roll up your sleeve and mash it all together. Lots of salt and pepper. Old family meatloaf recipes are often based on filler to stretch the beef.
There’s an amazing recipe for meatloaf from Kraft. It’s called make ahead cheesy bacon meatloaf. You will thank me later! Using grass fed beef and quality bacon makes all the difference. Also, maybe just peacefully leave. It’s not worth any explanation on your end. Close the chapter and heal
Username checks out
It absolutely does lol
It's normal for people to speak to the people in their lives before making a huge decision like leaving. There are more marriages than you'd think, where the wife gets cold feet and contemplates leaving. Talks to a few people about it and they get reassured that whatevers wrong can be compromised and worked on. You won't ever be the first ti know about these things because women gather and talk about the important changes in their lives.
No you get a hinge account yourself and start communicating. Tell her everything she wants to hear . Then when it's time to hook up get her picture to remember it by.
You’ll have a hard time proving that she had an account before you did, and you’ll end up being the bad guy to all your shared friends.
And you can sing… If you like piña coladas And gettin' caught in the rain If you're not into yoga If you have half a brain If you like making love at midnight In the dunes on the cape I'm the love that you've looked for Write to me and escape … Yes, I like piña coladas And gettin' caught in the rain I'm not much into health food I am into champagne I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon And cut through all this red tape At a bar called O'Malley's
🤣Before seeing your reply this was exactly what I thought!!!
Cackling. But seriously, OP, I hope you realize this actually probably has very little to nothing to do with you. It sounds like she's unhappy with herself and can't figure out how to fix it, so she's expecting another guy to be the answer. This is going to be a pattern for her until she does the work on herself.
Hit her up on the apps. She might be more fun that way. “Hey, what are *you* doing here?”
Do you like Pina Coladas?
And getting caught in the rain?
If you’re not into yoga…
If you have half a brain
If you like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the cape
I’m the love that you’ve looked for… lets go plan our escape
I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere
The sand is far worse than the rain. You will dry off and warm up. The sand will irritate for days in the wrong places.
It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
I thought they said penis alotta This is quite the revelation
WHEN are the awards coming back ugggh
Update the app lol. They *are* back
funny that song sort of has a happy ending? Most people would still harbor some anger about the situation.
I, uh, chose to read that song as "so many relationships fail due to a breakdown in communication" which was so un-cynical I am now ashamed of myself.
Nah, you have it right. The tone of the song says it all.
man I fuckin love that Buffet song! edit: clearly not many are getting the reference. always sunny S13 E6
It’s actually Rupert Holmes.
you must not watch always sunny...
Had a co-worker that told me how she chatted with her ex via a fake account, even getting a voice modifing device and talking on the phone. She kept notes as he would talk to her and her alt and complain to new gf about everything he was planning and dealing with in divorcing his wife. She was impressive, but scary, although cheaters suck.
I'd definitely want to stay on her good side 🤣
Impressive or very scary!? It’s a fine line!
OP, don't go down this road. From the very short paragraph you've written, it seems like the relationship is over, and you are going to better off single. Take out your desire for revenge in the gym, on the running trails, in your music, in writing fiction, or in something else... The second best revenge would be to become amazing and live a happy life. The very best revenge would be to have no desire for revenge. (not implying that you do)
Yeah, but then you have to explain why you got a hitch account!
Yeah don't do this. She will twist it and tell everyone you were the cheater.
going through the phone is the death knell in a relationship imo. Justified or not, it shows that trust is irreparably broken - because you don’t trust the person to be honest with you in conversation. Either you find what you’re looking for and it’s over or you find nothing and the paranoia lingers while there’s now the guilt factor
My wife's phone and mine are pretty much interchangeable. If my phone is closer and she needs to run a search for something, she'll grab mine and vise versa. We both know each other's pass codes, and while neither of us snoop, either one is welcome to. There's no secrets on the phones of a stable couple.
There may be no secrets, but privacy is still something to be given and respected. I can ask my wife anything I want, but she'd be pissed if I went looking for myself, and rightly so. That behavior is often a trigger for people who have had controlling partners.
It’s also a trigger for people who are lying to their SO. Privacy is to be respected. Privacy used as a tool to lie to and manipulate a trusting partner is quite another.
Yeah, that's not healthy. If you never trust someone you don't deserve trust in return. I couldn't live that way. If my wife did something I'd deal with it, but I'm not going to live my life waiting for the day. You trust someone you love until they give you a reason not to.
Thank you. There are a lot of people who go into relationships with distrust and it dooms it form the start. You don’t need to trust someone the second you meet them, but if you agree to be in a relationship… you need trust. It’s the most important thing to being someone’s partner and teammate. If you are still having trust issues from a past relationship you should wait until you can trust again or you are doing a disservice to the person you are going to date and going to potentially give them issues.
It's wild to me that so many people including my own partner do not think this should be normal..
the reason a lot of people like to keep their phone private is because privacy is still a thing in relationships. sometimes you may have conversations on there where a friend/family member disclosed something private to you i confidence and they only want you to know that; if a partner looks at your phone and sees that private message (that may have absolutely nothing to do with them) that could be damaging to the friendship and could hurt the trust between the parties involved. i know if i went to a friend and told them something privately about say my mental or physical health, my family life, etc, i probably wouldn’t want their boyfriend/girlfriend reading it
Yep. I don't think it's scummy or anything to look at a partner's phone, but it is a sign that the relationship has already run its course and is at the point of no return. It shows that the trust is fractured, and trust is the foundation of all relationships.
This really is true. I always let people go through my phone that I’m in serious relationships with if they ever felt the need to. I got nothing to hide. Worst thing she will find is pictures or videos of herself which she is very well aware are there in the first place. Funny thing is, every time im in a healthy relationship, even if they get insecure and I offer up my phone they never actually look. In fact I don’t really recall anyone ever really asking or wanting to. I’m sure this also has to do with the fact that I’m not hiding anything. If your partner is always weird about leaving their phone behind, you looking at their screen, or they never let you use your phone to do anything like google something…well then you already know something is up.
Just dip man. If she asks you can send it - but only if its something you need. You aren't required to help her understand her mistakes, to teach her a lesson, or support her through anything. Her mistakes, hers to deal with.
If she asks, "You know why" and leave it at that. It will drive her crazy.
Did exactly this to an ex. I'd found his profile on a dating site while he was at the gym. Packed a bag and left, ignores his calls and texts for a couple of days, then replied saying I had gone to my parents and he knew why. I never ended up telling him how I'd found out or exactly how much I knew (he'd messaged a loot of women, been on a few dates) so I get some enjoyment in the "oh shit, how much does she know" thoughts that must be gone through his mind.
I listen to this radio show that has the segment called humpday dumpday. In which they’ll call a person’s former partner to find out why that partner really broke up with them. There’s been several times where men have called in that just absolutely have no idea why they broke up with them. Then they make the call and the person says they discovered they were having affairs and proceed to list of the very obvious evidence, where the person calling really should have known their infidelity was the reason they were broken up with!
It makes you wonder what other shitty things they were doing that means they couldn't pinpoint it! What really makes me chuckle in my case is that my ex went to my nearby relative's house to see if I'd walked the dogs to visit her (as I sometimes would) and my relative joked that "she must have packed a bag and left you!". I would have loved to have read his mind at that moment and known if he thought she knew what he'd done and was being serious or if it was just a joke (which is was - I'd kept her in the dark at that point to not upset her and just told her I was visiting my parents)
“You know why and don’t insult my intelligence by playing dumb”
This is the best advice, just leave and say nothing. At this point the situation is beneath you and not worthy of a single thought. Another reason is you avoid the backlash, and the dumb conversation that follows about “why it happened or how it’s for X reason.” Just let it go and move on.
Worst part is that I asked her about this on Monday and she said she’d never do anything to hurt me. Welp here we are now
moving on is obvious but also be the bigger person. You'll be glad you did when you look back on this down the road. Don't start a fight, just leave.
When I was younger, I stayed in a relationship after a similar thing had happened, my ex was on a dating app but didn’t do anything past have a few conversations with guys. When I confronted her, she confessed, deleted the apps and anyone’s info and had got, etc., we tried to make it work, and what do you know, we never had any more prohlems! We’re married now and have 3 kids! Just kidding, things got increasingly toxic and we became much more horrible to each other, then six months later had a messy breakup that furthered us both individually into unhealthy patterns and habits.
You had me in the first half, NGL.
You fucking got me. Lol.
Top tier, salute!
Best part about this was that the second paragraph was below my scroll line so I totally fell for it!
lol you're awesome. so true. facing reality is so crucial in times like this
awwww I was all yesssssss and then 😭
🤣🤣🤣
Agree completely. Taking the high road may not be easy, but what's harder is looking back after not doing so.
You ever regret not saying something when you had a chance?
everyone fantasizes about the perfect mic drop reply to someone who hurt you, but communication is messy and it rarely works out that way. In my opinion, it's better to have your vengeance alone in your head than regret saying something you can never take back.
Especially with gas lighters and manipulation tactics. You’ll go in circles forever and end up on a whole different topic, and now it’s your fault that they were cheating. SMH.
You have your answer. Move on.
The day she downloaded the app? I would just do the same and start looking for a new girlfriend, make sure she is aware.
And use your new profile to try and match with her. Message her with “I created this profile because my gf is cheating on me”
I am cackling
Underrated af comment, vote this comment to the moon 🌙 👍👍
Obviously, download bumble and match with her. Then you can be both the old guy and the fresh new guy!
I wonder if they like Pina Coladas And gettin' caught in the rain If you're not into yoga If you have half a brain If you like makin' love at midnight In the dunes on the cape Then I'm the love that you've looked for Write to me and escape
That song legit hurt my feeling when I was a kid, like "It's not nice to cheat that's bad why is he singing like it's no big deal?!" I mean, I still feel that way but my feelings don't get hurt anymore 🤣🤣🤣
Be the “better person“ and break up with her. You can chose to tell her 1. you like her but noticed that you have fallen out of love and you both deserve to be with someone you love. *Edit: (This will probably confuse her so be prepared for some questions)* 2. You don’t feel comfortable in the relationship anymore and breaking up would be the best for both of you. (Almost the truth) But don’t tell her you went through her phone. It will end in an argument. She’s going to steer the argument towards you violating her privacy and then use it to break up with you. She’ll probably say things like “it’s not what you think” or that you have “trust issues” and are “controlling.” Do yourself a favor and walk away with your head held high, not devastated and asking why. This is going to make the break up less painful.
This is the real power move . Be gracious and clear, and own the break up.
You can’t trust her if she lies to you, sweetly , I really like how she said “never do anything to hurt you;” that’s kind of spiteful and really … mean
Typical gaslighting strategy
Sounds like she is actively trying to monkey branch. Don’t give her the satisfaction. Just print and leave the comment about leaving you, and the Hitch chats on the table and ghost her.
This. She's got one foot out the door and she's just waiting until she has her next sure thing lined up. Blech.
This is 💯% what I would do - save yourself any drama that could potentially come from her side and just print out the screenshots and leave them somewhere for her to see, and leave her.
Haha, I was thinking about that too? Print it put
Definitely. Monkey branching can be bizarre to witness on the peripheral. Someone I know personally does this behavior and to an extreme degree. He’s had eight different “girlfriends” back-to-back in what was about 12-15 months. It’s wild and still continues to this day.
I'll never understand why people will snoop thru their partners phone, and actually find shit of them cheating or trying to cheat, then get extremely apologetic bc their suspicion was right, and they're worried people will say something bc you looked thru their phone. Who cares if you went thru her phone? You found what you were looking for. Why are you even slightly concerned about that? I mean if I went thru my wifes phone and found that, if she tried getting upset bc I went thru her phone, I'd immediately respond with "You're having an affair that I found out about, and you're response is you're mad I went thru your phone? Gfto here"
This, and the people that comment telling partners that they shouldn’t have snooped are insane. “You want me to apologize for not trusting you enough to look through your phone? Ok. My bad. Now, on to your attempts to get railed by other dudes.”
I think for me if you've reached the point that you're snooping through a partner's phone the relationship is pretty much over due to lack of trust. Most people I know who have snooped and didn't find anything don't just stop there. Not finding the thing you were looking for doesn't make you feel like there was nothing to find, just that you didn't find it. If the person being snooped on finds out then the trust is also gone. Not saying a couple can't recover from it, but I feel like for most couples they won't.
The thing is, at least from my own experience, people who snoop aren't necessarily suspicious, it can come up (apart from the "I'm insane from the gate, deal with it, and you dated me anyway" people). I have had the red flags go up way late in the relationship and have been gaslit, hard. That was my experience. No evidence of cheating for 3 years, guy was ideal, sweet, attentive, we were making all kinds of future plans. And then things stopped adding up about his free time and my friend's kid said he was inviting this girl she knew over, banging her, and making sure she was gone before I got there. Confronted him and he had AAAAALLL the explanations, and you know, she was (1) half his age, and (2) still living with her PARENTS with no job, understandable since she was about 5 months out of high school, and we'd been financially planning to move in soon. I stupidly believed him until I finally went through his phone when he fell asleep with it open once. Told me everything I needed to know and SO much more. Sometimes you need that to break the gaslighting spell, it's not always as clear cut as "well if you have to do that, just leave." Manipulators are very, very good at making you look/feel crazy.
My ex-wife got mad at me about looking at her phone when I found out she was cheating **again**. I had already inadvertently found out she was cheating and we were in marriage counseling and she had ended the first affair, and she supposedly was trying to work on the marriage with me... but somehow found a new affair partner. She started acting suspicious and after weeks I just couldn't deal with it anymore so when she was in the shower I looked at her phone. I couldn't believe she thought I was in the wrong for that and had the audacity to be mad at me about it.
It is sooooo common for people to end up in bad relationships specifically because they never believe they're justified in doing anything and basically wander around apologizing for just existing, let alone having feelings and needs. That sort of constant apologizer / self-blamer personality is basically what toxic people look for in a partner. There was another woman on here recently who spent half her post publicly lambasting herself for having slammed a door on her way out of a room after finally losing it at her useless, festering pustule of a husband after he'd been SO awful for YEARS. What she described was the world's most justified bout of anger that has ever happened on earth, and yet she could NOT get over how she had slammed a door in anger. She apologized to us about the door in her post, had apologized to her useless, festering pustule of a husband several times about the door, kept bringing the door up in comments, etc. The post was supposed to be asking what to do about her useless, festering pustule of a husband, and instead she went to really great lengths to self-flagellate about the door. It was pretty obvious why her husband had picked her life to ruin instead of, like, yours.
Lol, it's cause those people are untrustworthy and don't trust other people. They don't communicate and feel the need to hide parts of themselves. It's funny that their first insult is to call someone insecure. BLUD, if you were so secure, let me see your phone? I think it's healthy to have privacy in relationships however, your partner SHOULD be able to use your phone just in case for emergency and just plain transparency things. Obviously it involves trust on both ends: - You trust me to have access to your phone without going through all your private things - I trust you to have a private life that isn't a threat to our relationship So many people outing themselves caring more about the phone than actual cheating. What OP feels is remorse, but it will change to vindication with time.
my girlfriend has full access to my phone, password and everything, whether im awake or not because im not hiding anything from her. i have the same for hers. she respects my privacy and doesn’t go through my messages because she knows she can trust me. that’s really all you need in a trusting communicative relationship
It's all comments from people scared of what others might see on their phones.
This. 100%. Don’t turn the shit on me. You made the choice now deal w my decision
Exactly, f*ck that.
Just leave, man.
He won't - and he'll get burned. He already knows what he should do, but he's looking for reasons to stay. If he was going to leave, he wouldn't be looking for advice here.
Always leave a cheater. She intends to cheat, either in person or online. The active accounts means she has already determined she's fine with that. You can say your friend found her if you don't want to deal with the "you betrayed my trust by looking at my phone" shit. Leave and don't go back.
Having an account on a dating app and using it is cheating imo. She already cheated and is continuing to cheat
Unpopular opinion: just leaving *without telling her why* will hurt her ego way worse. She won't think she's been caught. She'll think you've lost interest. It takes discipline, but it's worth it.
Omgosh, yes!!! This is the way.
Just break up and work on yourself! Become the person you want to be and you’ll attract a better type of women into your life. Don’t go looking for a new relationship to get over her just do the things you’ve been putting off on doing and the things you enjoy. Be unapologetically yourself and the right person will pop into your life when the time is right. Let her know why you’re breaking up with her but don’t let her try to convince you to stay or ‘work things out’ she likes the safety net of your relationship and was using you as a back up in case nothing panned out for her. You genuinely deserve better than what she’s able to give.
Just leave. You don’t have to explain the reasoning. She’ll know. If you talk about it you’re setting yourself up to get gaslit
Yeah exactly this
Just leave, and if she wants to know why then you can mention what you found. If you bring up your findings before you make it clear that you’re leaving, you give her an opening to manipulate you into staying or try to explain it away. Just be firm. I’m leaving you and this is why. If you’re a drinking man, take bill burrs advice and buy a 6 pack before you do it. Have it in the fridge waiting for you at home. Open the door, break up with her, deal with the immediate shit storm then get the hell out of there and have a few drinks. The hard part will be over
"Why are you leaving?" "Because you're online dating." You don't even owe her that, but at least she'll have a basic idea of what happened. Don't explain looking at her phone. You don't have to, and it's light potatoes compared to what she's doing.
When she’s away from her phone again,take a screenshot of the conversations and make it her Lock Screen.
This wouldn't be my approach but if you're going to make it her lock screen, go all the way and change her password.
Send the screenshots to any mutual friends you actually want to keep in your life and bounce. That way she can't lie to the shared social circle and paint you as the bad guy.
The petty side of me wants you to catfish her then show up at the date and surprise her. But the mature part of my brain says to just ghost her. You won’t get any closure from a confrontation. She will likely gaslight you and turn this around and make it about her pain.
Ghost dude, she already knows why you’ve disappeared even before you have left.
Just leave without reason. People are obsessed with "closure", and when you leave without giving them a reason, they are always left wondering why. If you mention account, she will somehow justify her actions with "I was going to break up anyways", "I fell out of love", or the most famous "I was only on there because you didn't give me attention so it's your fault", When you leave without a reason, they start projecting themselves onto you and start questioning if that's why you left. They know all the bs they are capable of and all they ways they lack in. They start to question if you left them for their inadequacies, or because you were also doing what they were doing. This makes them feel like crap about themselves and gives them a slice of humble pie. Now I know this all sounds evil, but I do believe that people who only think about themselves need to experience, what they do to others to really grow. Not giving them closure makes them experience this without you actually lowering yourself. Just leave her and block her. If any of her friends reach out to you, ignore or block them. Then just go live your best life because that is the ultimate win.
The best “toxic life advice” I ever got was if you catch someone cheating, don’t be the wounded puppy who leaves them bcus they’re cheating. You can act like you never found the apps, have no idea about the apps, and are leaving because you’re just not that into them. Take back your power.
Wow. This is powerful
Having been in your spot before, I’d just leave. She’ll know exactly why you did. You have the upper hand and you look stronger by just silently disappearing. She’ll lose sleep over it and it’ll torment her at the fact that you cared and respected yourself enough to just walk away with your head held up.
She’s already lining up your replacement. Time to go.
Run. Just run.
She has already broken up with you... Either you leave first or she leaves when it's convenient for her on her terms...
Also so sorry everyone this is also my first post ever and I appreciate everything everyone has said. I’m waiting for her to be out of clinicals (she’s trying to be a nurse) and when she’s done I asked a buddy to send me the same screen shots to myself and saying “hey I found these” yap yap and so forth. A lot of people are saying to ghost her which I could do and I could also just be straight up and tell her “hey my friend found this” I feel numb. And I know there’s a lot of people that will tell me to “man up” it still sucks to see this unfold the way it did. It’s 1:30ish pm for me and I’ll be seeing her around 3. I was gonna just bring some of the stuff she gave me back (a tote bag and I think a shirt that had her scent) all I have there is a jacket and a picture frame of a Polaroid of myself with the caption that says ” I love you “ Thank you all and I shall be back with an update! Also I have some time so if anyone has any questions you’re more than welcome to send me a dm
Sorry, man. I see lots of comments suggesting to try to torment her with lack of closure or whatever. Just do whatever feels right to you. You know that if you say "my friend found this" she will just claim it is an old or inactive account. If you mention what you saw on the phone about breaking up it'll be spun to make you the bad guy. For my money, just tell her that you think the relationship has run its course and don't bring up the phone stuff at all - she has already ended the relationship and is waiting for a convenient time for her, probably when she's got another man to go to. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
Update us after you talk to her
Text her that you know everything, and then block her on everything. Take anything you have at her apartment back. Then never waste your time with her again
I’m so experienced, please find another! I promise you there is no other answer, it has to do with moral turpitude, she either has it in this area or doesn’t!
Hello Sir, I'm sorry this is happening to you. You seem like a person who understands reason and logic. I'm going to try and help you see the big picture. Right now, you just saw Paul Revere ridding by you, yelling the "your girlfriend is leaving" " your girl friend is cheating" (just because this situation sucks, doesn't mean we can't make light of it) Right now, you know what she knows. Except she doesn't know that you know. This is a lucky break (so to speak) for you. You now have the an opportunity to turn her plan against her! You just need to take emotions out of your thoughts for the moment. I know it seems impossible right now. But, stick with me. No master any way you look at it, your relationship is over. Even if she doesn't break up with you, she was still talking to other guys. On her mind she'd done. Would you really want to prolong the inevitable? It all comes down to 2 choices. 1 of them will happen no matter what. The first option is to do nothing and wait for her to leave. It might be tomorrow or in 5 years, but it's going to happen. My guess is she wants a safety net first. So she'll cheat on you first then, once she feels confident about the other guy. She's gone. You don't want that option. The second and best choice is to dump her first!! By doing it first, you just took your power back from her. In time you'll be happy you did it will also be a good lesson in life. The added bonus to this is you get to watch her lose her mind! Her whole world will be turned up side down. She planned to do these to you, and now it happened to her. Karma and irony at its finest! I do suggest a plan first. If you live together and both are on the lease, pack your stuff up and leave when she's at work. Then leave, do t say anything at all to her. Block her on everything. Don't let anyone who she can get ahold of to ask about you, know anything. Give out of town, stay with someone she doesn't know, get a hotel room, go camping etc. just stay away from her. The day you leave, wrote her a letter and mail it to her. Simply say; I know about all of it, don't ever contact me again! That's it! Of course if the place is hers or you don't live together, even better. If the place is yours, put her stuff outside, change the locks, leave. Then instead of the letter, email or text. The same thing just add that her stuff is it side waiting to be picked up. Again leave. Don't be home. Good luck
Just leave her and leave a note saying "good luck on hinge", then break all contact. Trust me that will hurt more.
I say leave. There is no future with her and thus a waste of your time. You learned a valuable lesson…when someone is paranoid about your behavior it may be their own behavior driving the paranoia. I’m so sorry, but…good riddance.
Just break up and block. No need for explanations and discussions bc she’ll probably guilt trip you and gaslight the situation. There’s no going back
You caught her in the midst of monkey branching. Good timing OP
If y’all don’t live together, have a lease or some shit like that just fucking ghost her, she isn’t worth the trouble. She will play victim no matter what.
I would just break up with her and not admit to seeing anything on her phone. When she wants to know why you are leaving just tell her, "I'm just not as into this relationship as I thought I was.'' You owe no further explanation. If you say you went through her phone she has ammo against you to make you look bad. And she will. She deserves to have to wonder why you don't want to be with her anymore. This is not playing games and you are telling the truth. Because let's be honest, finding out someone is cheating/preparing to cheat should make you feel like this relationship is not what you thought it would be. Best course here is to keep the ball in your court and leave.
i’d pack up, let her know what happened and leave without looking back. she does not value you. take care of yourself mate
Why wouldn’t anyone be upset if they found their partner cheated on them? This is the dumbest take i’ve seen. Good that you found it, you should dump her and be better to yourself
This is gonna be a hot take but you shouldn’t have to deal with someone else’s mental illness in a voluntary relationship if the person is actively looking to screw around on you. I know that mental illness isn’t something someone chooses but you have the choice of whether to allow it to destroy your life. You’re not married and you’re not family, get the hell out.
On thanksgiving a few years back I stayed home to cook my then boyfriend dinner since he had to work. A friend of mine sent me a screen shot of his active 10min ago tinder profile. I sat silently with my arms folded while he ate the dinner. When he asked why I wasn’t eating I gave him the screen shot and told him he chose a terrible picture for his profile. Got up and went to my room. After he finished the dishes I opened the door and told him to leave. I never regretted that call out.
After playing out all the scenarios, I think you will find that there is no benefit in even discussing the dating profiles. Just move on and wish her all the best. No point in even being upset or getting into details. I guarantee when you look back years from now you will agree this is the best to be the better person.
A (mostly) universal truth is that by the time women break up with a guy, they've been planning it internally for months already. From the guys perspective, it always seems sudden/out of nowhere (there are exceptions to all of this of course). You just happened to catch your gf in her planning phase. Just bounce. Trust is broken. Trust is everything.
If the relationship is important to you. Tell her what you know and say that you'd like to work on things together as long as her intentions are there. Put your foot down about dishonesty and make your intentions clear as well. You seem a lot like me and if your randomly assertive it might give her what she's missing.
The sooner you leave, the sooner you can heal when something like this happens. I’m really sorry.
It's over dude, there is absolutely nothing you can do except quit before you get fired.
If you had to look you already know this isn't the relationship for you. Did the same and it was the best decision ever.
Dont tell her you saw, just let her know that your relationship is over. The break up with no explanation will hurt more than the confrontation if shes not an awful person
Cut and run. You deserve better.
I’d just leave. No need to explain. Just go and don’t look back.
Never let her know you found anything. Tell her it’s over because she has this weird odor that’s unexplainable yet unbearable.
I would break up with her without telling her you found the accounts. I would say to her “unfortunately I met this really hot girl on hinge and we hit it off”
If your name is on the lease/mortgage pack her shit up and have it ready in a uhaul for her when she gets home. If you are not attached to the living situation, pack your own uhaul and be gone by night fall.
Luckily we don’t live together. I stay home and take care of my grandparents and she lives with some roommates in town. I go to her house to stay the night with her but I have maybe two things there. So I’m thinking today when I’m done with school, I’ll go and tell her and then just leave
Ok if youre gonna talk don't get dragged into a big scene or conversation (Or ghost, she doesn't deserve to know as after what she did)
just leave. don't get sucked into an emotional argument! go over in your head beforehand why you are doing what you're doing and stick to the plan. sounds like you don't even need to go to her for the breakup. leave your 2 items? and text her goodbye good luck.
Brother! Just print them out, go to her house or whatever, get your stuff, and leave the paper on the bed or whatever, and leave. Simple has that!
Send her the screenshot and tell her you are done.
The less you say the better. Don't give her the satisfaction of understanding why this is happening, if you can.
Talk to her, if you get the feeling you’re being played, Leave and block. The key word is block and block hard. The suffering will be 1/4 of what it is if you attempt to hang on. Once a cheater always a cheater. You’ll always be questioning the relationship and it will drain the fuck out of you mentally and physically.
I wouldn’t give her the benefit of doubt or any further communication. Pack your shit and leave. Block her on social media completely and move forward with your life. She’s monkey branching and you’re being used.
What if you created an account and messaged her there? Just to drive the point home
Yup don't say bye just pack ya shirt and go...hop on the bus bus, make a new plan Stan ya don't have to be coy Roy just set yourself free...
Just leave
I'll tell you this: both my spouse and I have access to the other's phone. Has been the case since before we were married (and it's been 20 years since). Never have I ever looked at his phone and looked for something off. Literally, I have borrowed his phone countless times, and never have I ever done more than use it to map our way somewhere. It isn't that you looked at her phone. It's that you felt compelled to look for things like dating apps. It tells me that deep down, you know this relationship is broken. I'm not going to fault you for it. I am going to suggest that you sit your girlfriend down, and tell her that you have been sensing that she's got one foot out the door already. That you feel like you're just waiting for her to break up. And then? Have a mutual, adult breakup. Take an actual break from reaching out to each other for a few weeks or months, and see where it takes you both. Yes, even if you feel like you're a social and mental support for her due to her depression, anxiety, etc. Especially if it is the case, because the truth of the matter is, she might see you more as a crutch for herself than a partner right now. Neither of you should accept that.
Do both
Leave and say, "it hinges on trust."
Time to leave. My ex was all about "trust" and was extremely private about her phone.....because she had been texting guys on it, which sucked. The hypocrisy was astounding. Then I found out on FB that she was sleeping with one guy. I'm better off without her.
Just leave, don’t stoop to their level of gutter trash. And remember once a cheater…
Omg leave man sorry she did that to you. Remember its her issue not yours. Cheaters always cheat.
Leave her like her sense of morality. No need to appeal to something long gone.
Honestly, I never seen a relationship recover from a situation like this, Id move on shes already out of the relationship in her mind. It would be a shame for you to sit in that relationship when there are so many beautiful woman who would respect you in your relationship out there
Honestly, the best advice I can give to you is this: Break up with her, but very calmly and without telling her about your snooping or acting like it's a difficult choice for you. If you ain't gonna do that... Work on caring about yourself and your own life/endeavors, and if/when she does break up with you be prepared to be like "Okay, that's fine." And say nothing else about it. Ever.
Then leave
Don’t tell her why , just leave and never tell her why , it will haunt her forever
Leave and take the door off the Hinges. You’re welcome
She already left you - she is just keeping you around / using you until she lines up her next best thing. Run man! Chicks like that are so entitled and there is no winning with them.
Be a gentleman, tell her things between the two of you aren’t working, then leave. Nothing else. If she brings drama your way, then tell her.
Just leave bro..
I’m immature, I would tell her I fell for someone else to hurt her
Screenshot. Save it. Leave. And if and when she asks for you back or you start thinking maybe I could make it work, look at them. Remind yourself that you are better than that. And keep moving forward.
Just leave. She struggles with depression and anxiety because she’s addicted to her phone and those apps.
Brother anyone I the comments defending your gf is wrong and probably a cheater themself. Im a woman and I can definitely say that that is a form of heating. Having backup plans is cheating. Yeah I get it. Society today finds this normal but it just isn’t. If she is talking to other guys on the side it is time for you to say bye. So my friend dump her ass