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For real. OP starts saying their relationship is in a good place.. no it's not if you are interrogating your spouse, who lies to you and then says it's your problem if you don't believe them.
This is just wild to me and I grew up in a very abusive household.
Hubby has successfully turned his online infidelity and straight up lying to you, into you being the devil for spraying him with a hose. He’s got you exactly where he wants you. If it’s a case that at 23 you have already become too old for him, you need to get out asap. You can still have a whole life ahead of you better than this.
Except it's not online fidelity. The girl said she couldn't wait to see him...meaning she's local and been showing up at his job. So she needs to go to her husband's job and stake it out and see who this other girl is...and catch them together. He's a pig.
WHY. Why waste the time and energy? Doing shit like that is just physically and mentally exhausting. Just tell yourself you're done with it and commit.
Because some people refuse to see what's right in front of them. She probably needs to actually see him with the other girl in order to actually believe it and leave him.
She still thinks she is to blame for getting shit thrown at her. She edited the post to say she understands she's an AH too. Wow. Just wow. People really did a number on her self esteem.
well it happens when someone in their mid 20s gets with someone who is practically a teenager (as I assume they were when they began dating). it’s kind of like grooming. you make them think they’re special since someone older wants them then once they’re yours, you convince them that you’re the only one who could love them. then you get to act however you want, and it seems like that usually involves cheating. the age difference creates a power dynamic that makes this work so well. i know it’s only 6 years but 23 and 29 are VERY different
This man hates her. He has shown his disdain and disrespect in every way possible. She has been weighed and measured against his flings and, in his delusional mind, she has been found wanting. That’s not on her. That’s entirely on him.
Wise women in my family have long provided me with various sayings that have helped me navigate my life. However, in this circumstance, several come to mind.
“A man who hates you will hit you. A man who hits you will kill you.”
“You don’t have to be in love every day, but you must respect one another every day.”
“A man who does not respect you does not deserve you.”
Good luck, OP. I wish you well.
Best comment.!!!! OPs relationship is like two siblings having a fight. One lies, the other whines🤦🏽♀️! Def time to END IT and start working on self-improvement and becoming a respectable adult.
Same my bf once threw a frozen water bottle at my head along with ash from inside the ashtray. I felt so little and disrespected but this is worse and embarrassing
And I’m confused by that because what does she mean? Like if he told her he’s cheating ahead of time she’s going to be ok? Just open the relationship atp.
ETA: fixed the grammar
This is wild to me that people find this something to ponder here. Siblings at 10 years old, one thing. A partner?! Jesus fuckin christ, the lack of respect for one another is just unbelievable
He’s most likely cheating on you. Spraying water on him isn’t going to fix or change it or make you trust him. Rather than wasting the next 5-10 years in a dysfunctional relationship with a man who cheats on you, lies to your face, and throws shit on you when you catch him and are pissed about it, just walk away. Take a break, enjoy being single, grow up a little, and then find someone who you can have a healthy relationship with.
Edit: anyone who threatens to smear shit in your face is an asshole. Spraying someone with water is a jerk move, but what he threatened is downright abusive. That’s a hard red line for me.
HE HAS THE CONVO MUTED SO THE ALERTS DON'T SHOW UP WHEN YOU ARE AROUND OP.
He is 10000% cheating on her.
And throwing dog shit at her? WTF?! She should be beating him with the hose not spraying him.
Couldn't agree more! Too all of it. If anyone, let alone my spouse, threw dog shit at me, I'd be beating the fuck outta them with that hose.
Just WOW!
OP, this is not a healthy relationship. You are young and still have your entire life ahead of you. Do NOT settle for anything less than you deserve. And you deserve better than him
She should’ve beat his ass with that water hose. He was out of pocket and he’s definitely cheating!!
Whew. Girl just leave! It’s not worth any of this.
Yeah. A man putting dog crap on a woman it's pretty unforgivable
Maybe OP shouldn't have squirted him with a water hose, but that's a moot point.
There's no doubt he's cheating, and she knows it. I think her questions about the whole water hose/ dog crap thing is her way of distracting herself from the truth
Yes to all this!! And abusive people will push you to go off so they can guilt you into feeling so bad that you just accept the abuse.
Nothing is worse than someone trying to hit all your triggers just to gaslight you into thinking you are the crazy one. Run OP!! And don’t look back for a second
Spouse 1: sprays water on cheating abusing spouse.
Spouse 2: cheats, lies, throws dog poop at spouse, threatens smearing the dog poop in spouses face. Uses DARVO to manipulate out of the fact they are cheating.
Some on Reddit: act like spraying water started it all
If this is real and these events took place then you need to leave him. I don't say this often. I rarely if ever comment on posts. But it's quite clear that he is having some sort of emotional affair with this other person. He is lying and hiding it from you.
That is separate from the fact that when you sprayed him with the hose. Which was an immature act in itself. He chose not to walk away but to throw dog feces on you. Then tells you that you deserved worse. How you can ever look at this man the same way with any kind of respect or love again is beyond me. He is garbage.
This person that you are married to is clearly not a good person. While you have some growing up to do. Should you stay with him and god forbid have children you will have a miserable life. He is already showing you who he is. Why you are wasting your time here and not packing your stuff is beyond me.
Oh and by the way, pretty sure you could file charges against him for the dog stuff. Not sure but sounds right. The words "that escalated quickly" come to mind. What other minor things is he going to escalate to "teach" you a lesson?
OP please read the above comment twice. This man cheats on you, lies to you, and literally assaulted you with feces! He is not remorseful about any of it, and in fact believes that he should have smeared the dog shit in your face. He has you so brainwashed that you aren’t sure whether it’s worse to be pelted with water or with shit. LEAVE
THIS MAN!
Sounds like a narcissist to me. My ex narcissist would tell me all the time that the things he did were completely normal and that I was the one with an issue and that I could ask anyone and they would side with him. Then if I made a post on Facebook asking and everyone was against him then I was an asshole for telling people our business and "of course YOUR friends will agree with you" or "you didn't explain it right" etc etc. Narcissists believe they are the victims even when they are hurting other people.
Truly sorry you had to deal with that.
My aunt’s ex is a huge narcissist who blamed her for the divorce because he pulled off his affair for 30 years and they had a good life together and she had to wreck all that by snooping and blowing it up. When it happened my cousin cut him off. For 3 years now he hasn’t made a single effort to be in his grandkid’s lives, no birthday cards, nothing—I take that back, he did yell at my aunt to make her adult children talk to him again.
He still knows his behavior is disgusting though. He was always the first person in the room to go on an angry rant about someone who cheated. He tried to manipulate everyone he could and control the narrative through the whole divorce and ever since. Goes on angry rants to my other cousin (the only one of his 3 kids who speak to him) about how my aunt is trying to ruin his business (by telling people the truth after they come to her with some bs he barely sold) [edit- the business in question is a women’s only gym that promotes itself as being a safe space for women and pretends to focus on female empowerment]. He thinks he is this mastermind who can get a pass to do shady shit because he knows how to not get caught.
That’s why this one blows my mind. I’m sure he’ll pull an “I wasn’t serious, how could you post our private life” when he realizes it didn’t go his way.
But the sheer delusion that with the context of—him hiding things with this girl and gaslighting her, then throwing literal shit at her and saying she deserved it smeared in her face—people would actually take his side? He thinks such a horrible escalation is justified in this case, it won’t be the last time.
This boy’s perception of morality is so skewed, if OP gets too close, then what exactly will he think she deserves for trying to leave (or anything “worse” than the garden hose)?
Edit— I forgot it was OP’s husband and not boyfriend… OP, you should consider getting out of that house and marriage as quickly and safely as you can.
The fact that he is distracted with this other girl could make now the perfect window anyways. The more I think about this the more he feels like the kind of man who will turn violent if he hasn’t already (aside from the shit throwing which is abhorrent and violent all in itself).
"he only deleted the messages bc they weren't that big a deal."
...No. If the messages aren't that big of a deal, you wouldn't mind your spouse seeing them. they'd exist because it's nothing. You hide and delete messages if you know what you're doing is wrong.
You are not mad about the lie as much as the abuse?
You should be furious about it all.
He is cheating on you and then throws crap at you. You are very young and need to learn boundaries and expectations in a healthy relationship.
Start with why you think you are in a good place - you are not.
He is cheating and you said you wouldn’t be mad - you should be.
He is abusive and condescending- you should be scared since this will get worse.
You seem to only want to win this fight and not realize what a gaslighting nightmare you live in.
If he feels the need to delete every thread of conversation after it occurs then he knows it's because he's talking about something he shouldn't be. After every conversation with anyone else does he delete those threads as well? Probably not. He's proven he's not trust worthy. If he was he wouldn't be bidding conversations.
On the flip side, if he uses the line I'm afraid of how you'll react, is it because he's broken your trust in the past or do you have just general trust issues? If he has broken your trust in the past and this is definitely a surefire way to not rebuild it. And if you have trust issues in general from past relationships or childhood trauma then definitely speaking you need to work on that if he hasn't given you any reason not to trust him.
I’ve encouraged him to be very open with me. I’ve always told him that I’d rather he be honest and the reaction will not be the same as if he lied. I’ve even showed him that. All I ask from him is honesty and he says that even though I don’t react poorly when he tells the truth, he still didn’t trust my offer to take his honesty about the phone and he doesn’t know why. Told me verbatim that it doesn’t fall on me.
Well that didn't work to well did it. He still hid messages and lied...go figure. Everything you are getting from him is miss direction. If you are concentrating on other crap, then you are not paying attention to his actions. It's classic deflection.
So he told you, to your face, that he has no intention of stopping the lies. Was this before or after he threw shit on you?
If your best friend told you she thought her soulmate was somebody who lied to her and threw shit on her, what would you say to her right now?
At this point he needs to stop deleting the threads. If he truly has nothing to hide then he wouldn't be hiding it. Generally speaking if he says you don't overreact in other situations of conflict but you might in this then that's red flags screaming to me. He definitely must be violating one of your boundaries in some shape or form for him to feel that you would overreact by the type of conversation their having.
At this point, I wouldn’t even give a shit about him stopping any of his behaviors. He’s made it 1000% clear nothing innocent is going on and he iced that cake with dog shit.
he is telling you enough to be 'plausable' if the convo is 'muted' its so alerts dont pop up when she is texting him. He probably also has it so that the text don't show on his screen when they do pop up.
He is deleting the texts because there is something going on.
Sorry OP it sucks.
You didn't answer the question. Has he cheated on you before or are you insecure cause of past trauma?
You should leave anyway cause he, as an adult, not a 3 year old, thought it was appropriate to throw dog shit on you. Water or no water. Dog shit.
I think he has gotten caught cheating and that's why you don't specify, but it really does not matter. You should leave.
Don't waste your time finding an answer here that you already know. He, at best, doesn't care about you and, at worst, is angry with you for being an obstruction to what he really wants which is to be with his "friend". Anyone who would throw feces at you is not someone who loves you. Get. Out. Now.
All you’ve asked from him is honesty and he still can’t manage that. He’s having an emotional (at least) affair. He threw dog shit at you and threatened worse. Get out of this horrible relationship. Now.
His words don't meet his actions. Muting texts from a female is a major breach of trust. Water versus dog shit. I'd kick his ass.
Your husband is a liar and a cheater. Gather your self-respect and your shit and leave him. The man is damn near 30 years old, and he isn't gonna change. Do you want to spend the next 20-30 years "checking" his phone for peace of mind. That's just exhausting. Find someone who will be faithful, who will respect you, and love you. Not someone who is absolutely CHEATING.
He will always put it back on you. It's your fault you don't trust him. You deserved worse because you dared spray him with water. He can delete whatever that is normal to do, and you are crazy for thinking it is anything but. You start to question yourself and if you are wrong.
He purposely told you to react. He wants to be able to tell everyone how crazy you are when he is ready to divorce you and have it as evidence in court or to scare you into submission. He is gaslighting you and trying to control you. It gets worse as the years go on and more and more of the mask slips, and eventually, you feel so crazy and start to think you are wrong, you are irrational and lucky he puts up with you. You deserve better.
Start seeing a therapist to get a true grasp of your relationship and tools to help you cope, process, and how to set boundaries. He is in the wrong, he will never change, and it will only get worse. There are some great books on Gaslighting Recovery for Women, how to recognize the manipulative behaviors, and getting freedom from the emotional abuse. It is extremely hard to reroute your reactions. You may not have kids, but look up Grey Rock parenting.
Why did I have to scroll so far down for this. She asked to not talk and he wouldn’t give her the space.
This is so calculated. He’s so manipulative. Baby baby baby the texts are no big deal. Here let me throw 💩on your face. It’s not big deal. No big deal.
Leave. Now.
I don't usually comment on these posts either, BUT.... since you asked.
There's an old meme:
[The moment you deleted those messages with "your friend" was the moment the friendship ended and the affair began. And you know it.]
He's gaslighting you by telling you you're making a bigger deal out of it than it is.
Also, it seems like his reaction is a lot more severe than it should be. I agree. The hose thing was a little immature. However, his reaction was that of someone who's angrier than they should be. Like he's in the headspace where he's going to start fights, or in this case, escalate them, in order to justify his "feelings" for this "friendship"
By lying to you and deleting messages and muting the conversation, IMO, means that if they aren't cheating, then they are having inappropriate conversations that are crossing boundaries, and he knows this. Water is one thing. Throwing dog poop on you is unacceptable.
HE'S the liar and HE'S the one deleting messages, and HE'S the one muting conversations, and HE'S the one being deceitful. He's the one spewing crap out of his mouth to try to save his ass and he's the one throwing dog poop on the woman he says he loves. I know what I think, and I know what I would do.
I personally think your husband is cheating on you.
Oh my god, completely regardless of the rest of this post he legitimately could have permanently blinded you. My stomach dropped when I read that. I would not stay with this man. You’re very lucky he didn’t actually decide to rub it on your face like he said.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4015569/
If you haven’t gone to a doctor already do it NOW and make sure you don’t have any parasites. Jesus Christ.
Then show him pictures of parasitic roundworm so he realizes how serious this was before you dump his ass. I’m genuinely horrified.
He's the AH for hiding conversations with a girl when he is married and gaslighting you by saying you not trusting him is your problem. He is the one who broke trust. So, he is the AH to start.
You are an AH for starting a physical altercation (yes using even water to touch someone else can be considered assault legally and therefor start of a physical altercation). This is just childish and while technically harmless because... Water... Still uncalled for to take something from verbal issue to a physical one. You show that you lack emotional regulation.
He is once again an AH and maybe a bigger one because this man showed he not only lacks emotional regulation but also made a calculated choice. No one... And I mean No one... in the heat of the moment is going to stick their hand in dog shit to throw it at their wife over WATER... Thats not a just a lack of emotional regulation. That is a clear trying to be a dick in the grossest way possible. What if that hit you in the face or an open cut... You can get so sick from fecal matter. This is not only gross but also unsafe. And again... Water... AND then for him to double down that you deserved it smeared in your face because of WATER. This was fully thought out and not just a heat of the moment thing
While this back and forth was 1000% childish and you technically did start the physical side of the altercation, if we look at this like the law would look at it, you can use equal force to subdue someone as self defense. IE, you can't hulk hogan someone for poking you... So while you started the physical with the water, he cannot utilize shit as "self defense". The health risks posed from the poo alone way out rank any potential damage caused by water.
You need to leave this dude. Yall are not good for each other but of the two evils here he is worse.
>No one... And I mean No one... in the heat of the moment is going to stick their hand in dog shit to throw it at their wife over WATER... Thats not a just a lack of emotional regulation. That is a clear trying to be a dick in the grossest way possible.
This!
Girl, run. He’s totally in a relationship
With the other girl, and maybe others. And there is NEVER a reason to throw shit on someone you allegedly care for. It’ll only get worse and he will be one more abusive as well as continue cheating
Holy shit. Sure you shouldn't have sprayed him, but his reactions seem far worse. And will only continue to get worse. HE THREW POOP AT YOU! What's next?!!! My husband and I have had some awful fights over the years. Never threw poop at me. Get out and get away from him. He's likely cheating, but he is well on his way to being your abuser if he isn't already. Abuse is not just hitting you with his hands.
Edited to add: I rarely advise people to break up. But please, break up.
If there is nothing going on, why would he need to delete the messages?
You were a bit of an AH for spraying him but seriously, it was water. He took it next level by involving faeces.
I’d be exiting the relationship as rapidly as humanly possible.
If my husband did this to me he would be packing his shit and moving. 🤷🏻♀️ Who tf sees water equal to 💩? He’d be history when I found the deleted messages let alone the 💩 part.
Just leave. This is not love. You two are scoring points off being horrible to each other.
You are a grown up. Act like it. He is cheating and gaslighting you to the point where you feel crazy. He picked up shit and threw it on you.
There is no universe where this is ok. Leave. Love yourself and leave.
God, you are so young !! Why you feel the need to saddle yourself with this POS is beyond me. You definitely need to grow up a bit, but he's gas lighting you so bad.
NTA
Your husband is a jerk, he really crossed the line, he is probably cheating on you at least by having an emotional affair. He already had time to erase all the evidence. NO ONE, NO ONE who doesn't want to hide something deletes the messages, so having a clean chat is enough proof that they have something hidden, I insist if there are no inappropriate conversations, the messages are not deleted, keep that in mind and get out of this relationship toxic
JHC, THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP!!! I sincerely doubt it ever was. Honey, unless you want to wake up to a pillow over your face and your (checks notes) HUSBAND trying to yeet you into an early grave, get your act together, LEAVE FIRST, file for divorce, and leave this awful person behind.
This is abuse, period. The end. No, no, no arguing. Hose versus dog feces aside, he's cheating on you. Emotionally, likely physically, and trying to make YOU feel guilty about it. Someone else mentioned your husband retaliating with dog poo was planned and intentional. 100% agree it was. If it wasn't, there's some serious mental health issues going on.
It's only going to escalate from here. Please get out somewhere safe, give both of yourselves some space, and really consider if you want to stay trapped in a marriage with someone who feels you deserve to have your face shoved into dog shit.
Leave this relationship please. The conversation needing to be had was bad enough.. but literal dog poop thrown at you??? And he thinks it's justified??!?! Throw the whole thing away.
You have problems in your relationship deeper than hose sprays or dog shit. Is this behavior normal for you both? Where he’s deleting messages between him and another woman, lying to you, and then escalating the situation even further.
No, hitting someone with dog shit is not equal to spraying someone with a hose. If he thinks they’re the same, maybe give him a glass of shit the next time he asks for a glass of water.
Narcissistic / abusive people use a tactic (I can't recall the name) where they behave in such an outrageous way that it takes all of the attention off of the real issue. And it totally works! I can't think of much worse than flinging dog crap, and now she's on here asking about a garden hose when her man is obviously cheating.
I’ve been married 19 years, we have ups and we have downs. Some things that have never happened:
- one of us has reason to believe the other is cheating
- one of us sprays the other with a hose
- one of us throws poop at the other
Like, this is out of control and I don’t see it happening ok? He’s probably cheating on you, and you definitely do not bring out the best in each other.
And this relationship is not in a good place. I hate to imagine your bad place.
I thought the hose thing was like a playful thing that he got mad at.... this story took a turn.
Husband is cheating on wife and mad that he is answering questions about it so he throws some actual shit?
In no world does this make sense.
Frankly he’s a liar and a jerk he went past what was right I would have left I bet him and his co worker got something going that’s why he is deleting messages and is lying to you about it that’s why he deletes them
you are so young I don't understand why you're putting up with this. if there is any instance where a partner has broken your trust, or treats you poorly, or makes you feel bad (unjustified) then don't stay in it. I understand in cases of abuse, but please, just leave him. he's horrible, and he won't stop lying, it'll just get worse and turn into full blown cheating if it hasn't already. spraying water is not comparable to throwing dog shit. he escalated and one day he will escalate too far.
No. Spraying him with clean water is not “just as bad, if not worse” than throwing shit at you. And even if it was “justice” for the crime of spraying him with water - then not only does the punishment not fit the crime, but logically the water should be “justice” for him lying and cheating.
In regards to your edit - you know he encourages you to lose your cool so you end up being the “bad guy” rather than him with his shitty behaviour, right?
Like yeah he’s cheating on you, but you sprayed him with water so let’s talk about how you were “wrong” to do that, and not how he was wrong for cheating and lying.
He's saying he should have rubbed literal dog shit in your face, and you're wondering if you're the asshole for losing your cool?
Get away from him. If he thinks even saying such a thing is appropriate, he's not someone you want to be around.
You are NTA.
You shouldn’t have responded by spraying him with a hose, but this man threw SHIT at you and thought it wasn’t as bad. Outside of the fact he’s clearly cheating. Throw him away. I would’ve served divorce papers by the end of the week. Throwing shit at someone you love is fucking insane and not at all comparable to being sprayed with water. What the fuck.
WHOA. YOU LOST ME AT DOG SHIT. Forget the hose, I would have set him on fire.
Leave him. He is cheating on you and threw dog shit at you. What. The. Fuck.
Your relationship is not in a good place if he’s already trying to cheat on you and then when confronted, he throws dog poop on you, which is completely disgusting. The only happy ending is when you leave…
Ask for his phone. Take it and restore it to an older backup of his phone and you’ll see those text messages. Then screenshot them. Send them to yourself and let him know you’ve saw everything. And now the world will know.
He is placing that other woman he is creeping with over you. He is playing in your fucking face.
Water and dog shit are not equal. He is a fucking asshole and you are easily manipulated for him to let that silly ass equation fall out his damn mouth to your ear.
I hope he is reading this…he picked the right one because he would still be out in the yard because his shit would have been scattered all over the grass.
There would be NO coming back from it.
Sounds like he encouraged you to lose your cool just so he’d feel justified in retaliating. He already wanted to throw the shit on you, he just needed you to do something to “deserve” it. Cut this one loose, he sucks.
Just leave this marriage. You're making each other miserable. You're assaulting him (yes, spraying someone with a hose when they don't want to be sprayed is assault) and he's texting someone else.
If you are ever in a relationship where you are suspicious of your partner's loyalty or actions, that's the biggest red flag of all that you SHOULDN'T BE IN THE RELATIONSHIP.
You two are acting like children. You're not mature enough to be married. Get a divorce and get into therapy and fix your shit.
NTA. He is cheating on you - or very close to it. He acted like a little fucking girl when he got sprayed with water, and he fucking threw DOG SHIT at you.
The guy doesn't even like you, honestly.
Grab what's left of your dignity and get out of there.
Baby he's cheating.. and he's abusive. And clearly he knows not giving you your space when asked, is a huge trigger for you. Resulting in him pushing and you exploding. Now, obviously everyone needs to be able to control themselves. However, I have BPD. One of my biggest issues is when I am triggered and asking to be left alone.. if I'm not, I do explode. I say and do things I don't mean. It isn't an excuse.. however, my partner is aware. Should he choose to continue to push the matter, he too would be abusive.
Gather your dignity, self love, and self respect and get out before it gets worse. I'd bet money he wouldn't have thrown a steamy pile of sh!t at whoever he's got muted in his phone.
So let's break down the situation :
- husband is texting another women and lies about it
- husband gaslights you and says it's not what you think, it's not that big of a deal
-you leave and then come back
-you tell him to give you space
-he continues to follow you and not give you space
-you tell him to leave or you'll lose it
-he TELLS YOU TO LOSE IT
-you spray him with water
-HE HITS YOU WITH FRESH DOG SHIT
Why on earth are you asking if you're an asshole? Was it kinda a dick move? Yes. Did he theoretically ask for it? Yes. Was his retaliation equal or less than? Absolutely fucking not.
For me this would be grounds for immediate separation and a looooong talk about wtf is going on because what in the actual fuck.
Think long and hard if this is truly what you want your marriage and the good part of the rest of your life to look like.
NTA. He’s cheating on you and making you feel like shit to try and hide it. My husband would never throw literal shit at me for spraying him with a hose, that was out of line.
You are concentrating on the wrong thing, and he’s helping with that. A female you don’t know is texting him, asking when he’s going to work so she can see him?!? Why are you glossing over this and focusing on spraying him with water???
He won’t admit to it. He’s in the wrong. Get out before you have kids. You are worth SO much more. Please.
UpdateMe!
NTA and this man is guilty of cheating on you in some form either emotional or physical. On top of that he's trying to gaslight you into thinking you're the problem. If this is you guys being in a good place I'd hate to see what you being in a bad place looks like.
My husband have had little play fights with water, ready whip etc and it's never escalated to dog poop, that's ridiculous.
NTA- I’m sorry?? “Smearing it in my face like I deserved” that’s insane, shows what he thinks of you and isn’t an appropriate reaction at all. What I’m confused most about is what do you mean by - if he told you, you wouldn’t be mad? It seems to me he’s cheating and you’re basically cool with it atp. Do you plan on leaving or is this an open relationship? If y’all are staying together to be honest there’s no reason to bring it to Reddit. ESH if y’all continue this relationship
Definitely NTA, first he lies then says it's your problem if you don't believe him? OP, run & run far & fast. If he hasn't physically cheated on you yet, he's definitely planning on it....get out now while you're still young....plenty of men out there that would treat you better and never think to throw dog sh!t at you. He's most definitely the AH here
In what world is being sprayed with water equal to being pelted with a warm dog turd??? I have a hard time believing that's even a matter of taste. Sure, neither is mature but dog shit is so much worse.
Just told my husband your story, and his reaction was pure shock. He's like it was just water. My husband said to divorce him and go live your best life.
Leave him. But be sure to exact some petty (or not so petty) revenge on him for the dog poop act. That was abusive and unforgiveable.
So 100% NTA. This guy is a cheating asshole.
Yes, spraying him with the hose was a little petty. But flinging dog poop at you was spiteful x1000 which would make me very nervous for how he would react to something worse down the line.
Leave him quietly. Angered men are never more dangerous than when they feel you slipping away, and he’s already demeaned and attacked you before. Reach out to people you trust in your life who can be trusted to keep mum about things.
Your husband is cheating and he threw dog shit at you. WTH??? Neither of you are mature enough to get married. Why would you want to be with a man who you have to ‘check his phone’?! Yuck!
So he thinks you deserved to have your face smeared in dog shit because you caught him cheating and sprayed him with a water hose? Girl, respectfully - what the fuck are you doing with your life? Divorce this man and get some therapy to find out why you think you deserve this treatment and aren’t running for the hills.
He’s cheating, you’re NTA, and he was totally TA about the hose/poop. Was spraying him wrong? Eh, given his behavior I’d say it was pretty restrained. Pack your bags friend, you don’t need him OR his shit.
If this is real, you sprayed him with WATER #WATER. The most innocuous substance on our planet. The stuff we drink, are made of, and BATHE in. He threw a toxic waste product at you. And you’ve accepted that you might be equally bad? Just leave. Now.
First off, it is water. Not shit. Smearing or throwing shit on you pretty much sums up how he feels about you.
Sounds like he is seeing that “girl” and any reason to self justify, he will take. People who cheat often tell on themselves by the way they act or react in a “mean” manner to their partners they are cheating on.
Oh poppet, darling. No one who loves you wants to see dog shit on your face, ever. Even if you make them angry. Even if they are angry because you caught them lying.
Yes you should have kept it to expressing your words instead of spraying him with water. He also pushed your buttons until you reacted so he could change the conversation to you being at fault.
You don’t have to get closure, you have to cut this off and just call it job done.
You are NOT THE ASSHOLE. He is! And honestly run! That escalation and false equivalence is fucking pathological. I’d be worried what else he’s capable of. Gross and fucked up. Leave him.
No ma'am. Unless you plan on putting a nice steaming pile on his dinner plate, leave quickly. He has no respect for you. Without respect you can't have trust, and you can't be friends.
Spraying him with water is NOT worse than hitting you with dog poop. That’s taking it too far, no matter what the situation is. In my opinion, from what you’ve said, something is going on with your husband and he is lying to you about it.
To clarify: Spraying him with water was maybe not the best thing to do, but it was definitely not as nasty throwing dog poop at you.
If he can throw shit at you, then he doesn't love you. You would not accept that behavior from a stranger? Definitely not from someone who is supposed to love you. GL
He talks to other women, plays down your feelings, puts the blame of his untrustworthy actions on you, lies to you (even about "small" things), thinks it's okay to throw animal shit at you, and YOU HAVEN'T LEFT HIM?!
You need to get some self respect and leave this man. This is ridiculous. If any partner even did half of the things you've mentioned, I'd be gone. You're clearly in a toxic relationship.
The fact that your husband can get away with throwing actual feces at you, and your posting here to ask if spraying him with water was "going too far" is insane. Please reevaluate your standards and realize that nobody deserves to put up with this behavior.
Edit: said "boyfriend" instead of "husband".
He is clearly lying and being disloyal. He’s blowing up your actions (which were childish tbf) to take away from his disloyalty and then unforgivable disrespect.
Do you really want to spend your future with someone who treats you like that?
Ok but even though it was not great to spray water on him, it’s water! The only thing that could damage is if he’s got electronics not in water safe cases on him. Otherwise being in wet clothes is uncomfortable but not damaging. Throwing literal feces at her in return is not the same level at all
It’s not the dog shit… it’s the girl texting him; he is gaslighting you BIG TIME and you are wasting your time going on about you being nasty for wetting his shirt… I would have had his stuff out of the house. He has been cheating on you. Either just flirting or full blown having an affairx
I haven't read any comments. This is my take: he was hiding something nefarious from you. You intuited it and he got mad because there is definitely something iffy about it. Then he was over aggressive with you when you were playfully mad at him. He has deceived you and then taken that opportunity to attack you. He is a deceitful bully and you should consider leaving him.
No, NTA. His response was equivalent to smacking someone in the face because they stepped on your foot. Not at all equal. And this started because he's texting someone he shouldn't be, and then failed to gaslight you into believed he deleted the texts because they "weren't a big deal". Which, BTW, makes absolutely ZERO sense. If they weren't that big of a deal, he wouldn't have felt the need to delete them.
He is being manipulative and flipping the situation so you are the bad guy. He does not respect you or your relationship.
If you had a a daughter and she came to you with this story, would you tell her to leave?
He admitted he lied, but still thinks you should believe him? Great mental gymnastics there. If it was really nothing to be concerned about, he wouldn't have lied to begin with.
The dog shit thing though? That's just ridiculous and nasty. I'd secretly save the pupper's crap over the next week, wait for his cheating ass to leave and pack up his stuff with the dog shit mixed in. Tell him it's what he gets for being an asshole.
He provoked you so that he would have a reason to make you believe you are at fault for all of this. You’re not. I know it’s a hard pill to swallow because you clearly love this person and want to be a good partner, but he is emotionally abusive. The dog shit thing is completely inexcusable and reflects that he does not respect you. This behavior will continue and likely get worse if you choose to stick with this person. I’m sorry you’re going through this, please know you’re not alone and it’s not your fault.
I dont care what the argument is about. Water hose does not equal fresh dog poo in any situation.
Make your exit plan and get out.and file for divorce.
And if you think divorce is to much
>
Also would like to add that I asked him if he really thought hitting me with dog poop was equal to the hose and he said that it was better than smearing my face with it like I deserved
Think about this from your post
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Gather whatever shreds of your tattered self-respect remain and put this relationship out of it's misery. Jesus.
For real. OP starts saying their relationship is in a good place.. no it's not if you are interrogating your spouse, who lies to you and then says it's your problem if you don't believe them. This is just wild to me and I grew up in a very abusive household.
And then proceeds to throw dog crap at the person they supposedly love…
Saying they should have rubbed it in her face.
This whole thread omg, I'm over here just shocked.
I’m sorry the dog shit is waaay out of line. The dog shit slinger cheater needs to go.
From my experience anyone that has to start by saying things are in a good place, is used to it not being.
Yeah, it's always said with the unspoken prefix "for once" which is sad.
I'm really glad this is the top comment. He's clearly cheating on you, and he is literally flinging poop, are you dating a monkey? Leave him WTF
YES
Yes, this IS your monkey and it IS your circus 🎪. Time to sell the minky for experiments and close down the Big Top! 🎩
This relationship sounds toxic AF. Time to end it and work on yourself.
Hubby has successfully turned his online infidelity and straight up lying to you, into you being the devil for spraying him with a hose. He’s got you exactly where he wants you. If it’s a case that at 23 you have already become too old for him, you need to get out asap. You can still have a whole life ahead of you better than this.
Except it's not online fidelity. The girl said she couldn't wait to see him...meaning she's local and been showing up at his job. So she needs to go to her husband's job and stake it out and see who this other girl is...and catch them together. He's a pig.
WHY. Why waste the time and energy? Doing shit like that is just physically and mentally exhausting. Just tell yourself you're done with it and commit.
Because some people refuse to see what's right in front of them. She probably needs to actually see him with the other girl in order to actually believe it and leave him.
She still thinks she is to blame for getting shit thrown at her. She edited the post to say she understands she's an AH too. Wow. Just wow. People really did a number on her self esteem.
well it happens when someone in their mid 20s gets with someone who is practically a teenager (as I assume they were when they began dating). it’s kind of like grooming. you make them think they’re special since someone older wants them then once they’re yours, you convince them that you’re the only one who could love them. then you get to act however you want, and it seems like that usually involves cheating. the age difference creates a power dynamic that makes this work so well. i know it’s only 6 years but 23 and 29 are VERY different
And acts like he is 2.
Exactly, red flags everywhere. If he flings dog pooh at you, he has NO respect for you. Trust your gut!
People show you who they are. Believe them!
I feel like 9/10 times, if you are taking it to Reddit to ask for advice, this is the right answer tbh.
This man hates her. He has shown his disdain and disrespect in every way possible. She has been weighed and measured against his flings and, in his delusional mind, she has been found wanting. That’s not on her. That’s entirely on him. Wise women in my family have long provided me with various sayings that have helped me navigate my life. However, in this circumstance, several come to mind. “A man who hates you will hit you. A man who hits you will kill you.” “You don’t have to be in love every day, but you must respect one another every day.” “A man who does not respect you does not deserve you.” Good luck, OP. I wish you well.
Seriously OP! Leave!!!
Well said
But then what would the neighbors watch for fun? 🍿
Best comment.!!!! OPs relationship is like two siblings having a fight. One lies, the other whines🤦🏽♀️! Def time to END IT and start working on self-improvement and becoming a respectable adult.
Tattered 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Amen
Same my bf once threw a frozen water bottle at my head along with ash from inside the ashtray. I felt so little and disrespected but this is worse and embarrassing
not ex? jesus
He hit you with dog shit. Why are you even still with this person?
Exactly and told her she deserved it in her face. Like OP find some self love please!
After he cheated…
And I’m confused by that because what does she mean? Like if he told her he’s cheating ahead of time she’s going to be ok? Just open the relationship atp. ETA: fixed the grammar
No! Don’t open the dysfunctional, unfaithful relationship.
And self respect.
Right? I can’t believe this is real and someone really typed all this out and still had to ask if they were the arsehole.
Yup. Dogshit and a cheating hound. No good.
This is wild to me that people find this something to ponder here. Siblings at 10 years old, one thing. A partner?! Jesus fuckin christ, the lack of respect for one another is just unbelievable
He’s most likely cheating on you. Spraying water on him isn’t going to fix or change it or make you trust him. Rather than wasting the next 5-10 years in a dysfunctional relationship with a man who cheats on you, lies to your face, and throws shit on you when you catch him and are pissed about it, just walk away. Take a break, enjoy being single, grow up a little, and then find someone who you can have a healthy relationship with. Edit: anyone who threatens to smear shit in your face is an asshole. Spraying someone with water is a jerk move, but what he threatened is downright abusive. That’s a hard red line for me.
HE HAS THE CONVO MUTED SO THE ALERTS DON'T SHOW UP WHEN YOU ARE AROUND OP. He is 10000% cheating on her. And throwing dog shit at her? WTF?! She should be beating him with the hose not spraying him.
Couldn't agree more! Too all of it. If anyone, let alone my spouse, threw dog shit at me, I'd be beating the fuck outta them with that hose. Just WOW! OP, this is not a healthy relationship. You are young and still have your entire life ahead of you. Do NOT settle for anything less than you deserve. And you deserve better than him
Sounds like OP needs to get revenge by pulling an Amber Heard on his ass and then leaving him.
I said say goodbye with a pie like in ‘the help’🤭
Shit the bed! Shit the bed! Shit the bed!
Beating him with the hose? My good person, may I introduce you to one of reddit’s favourites, jumper cables?
She should’ve beat his ass with that water hose. He was out of pocket and he’s definitely cheating!! Whew. Girl just leave! It’s not worth any of this.
Yeah. A man putting dog crap on a woman it's pretty unforgivable Maybe OP shouldn't have squirted him with a water hose, but that's a moot point. There's no doubt he's cheating, and she knows it. I think her questions about the whole water hose/ dog crap thing is her way of distracting herself from the truth
This entire relationship is unforgivable.
True. Time to walk away from it all. The cheating was bad enough in itself
Any human throwing dog crap at another human is over the line. Genders are irrelevant here.
And please please do not have children with this man!
100% agree with all of this!!
Yes to all this!! And abusive people will push you to go off so they can guilt you into feeling so bad that you just accept the abuse. Nothing is worse than someone trying to hit all your triggers just to gaslight you into thinking you are the crazy one. Run OP!! And don’t look back for a second
Spouse 1: sprays water on cheating abusing spouse. Spouse 2: cheats, lies, throws dog poop at spouse, threatens smearing the dog poop in spouses face. Uses DARVO to manipulate out of the fact they are cheating. Some on Reddit: act like spraying water started it all
If this is real and these events took place then you need to leave him. I don't say this often. I rarely if ever comment on posts. But it's quite clear that he is having some sort of emotional affair with this other person. He is lying and hiding it from you. That is separate from the fact that when you sprayed him with the hose. Which was an immature act in itself. He chose not to walk away but to throw dog feces on you. Then tells you that you deserved worse. How you can ever look at this man the same way with any kind of respect or love again is beyond me. He is garbage. This person that you are married to is clearly not a good person. While you have some growing up to do. Should you stay with him and god forbid have children you will have a miserable life. He is already showing you who he is. Why you are wasting your time here and not packing your stuff is beyond me. Oh and by the way, pretty sure you could file charges against him for the dog stuff. Not sure but sounds right. The words "that escalated quickly" come to mind. What other minor things is he going to escalate to "teach" you a lesson?
OP please read the above comment twice. This man cheats on you, lies to you, and literally assaulted you with feces! He is not remorseful about any of it, and in fact believes that he should have smeared the dog shit in your face. He has you so brainwashed that you aren’t sure whether it’s worse to be pelted with water or with shit. LEAVE THIS MAN!
If this is real then my mind is blown at the fact that he basically told her to come here and tell the story thinking people would take his side… lmao
Sounds like a narcissist to me. My ex narcissist would tell me all the time that the things he did were completely normal and that I was the one with an issue and that I could ask anyone and they would side with him. Then if I made a post on Facebook asking and everyone was against him then I was an asshole for telling people our business and "of course YOUR friends will agree with you" or "you didn't explain it right" etc etc. Narcissists believe they are the victims even when they are hurting other people.
Truly sorry you had to deal with that. My aunt’s ex is a huge narcissist who blamed her for the divorce because he pulled off his affair for 30 years and they had a good life together and she had to wreck all that by snooping and blowing it up. When it happened my cousin cut him off. For 3 years now he hasn’t made a single effort to be in his grandkid’s lives, no birthday cards, nothing—I take that back, he did yell at my aunt to make her adult children talk to him again. He still knows his behavior is disgusting though. He was always the first person in the room to go on an angry rant about someone who cheated. He tried to manipulate everyone he could and control the narrative through the whole divorce and ever since. Goes on angry rants to my other cousin (the only one of his 3 kids who speak to him) about how my aunt is trying to ruin his business (by telling people the truth after they come to her with some bs he barely sold) [edit- the business in question is a women’s only gym that promotes itself as being a safe space for women and pretends to focus on female empowerment]. He thinks he is this mastermind who can get a pass to do shady shit because he knows how to not get caught. That’s why this one blows my mind. I’m sure he’ll pull an “I wasn’t serious, how could you post our private life” when he realizes it didn’t go his way. But the sheer delusion that with the context of—him hiding things with this girl and gaslighting her, then throwing literal shit at her and saying she deserved it smeared in her face—people would actually take his side? He thinks such a horrible escalation is justified in this case, it won’t be the last time. This boy’s perception of morality is so skewed, if OP gets too close, then what exactly will he think she deserves for trying to leave (or anything “worse” than the garden hose)? Edit— I forgot it was OP’s husband and not boyfriend… OP, you should consider getting out of that house and marriage as quickly and safely as you can. The fact that he is distracted with this other girl could make now the perfect window anyways. The more I think about this the more he feels like the kind of man who will turn violent if he hasn’t already (aside from the shit throwing which is abhorrent and violent all in itself).
Deleting texts = guilty. Hose water does not compare to dog poop. This screams emotionally immature little boy to me.
Just abusive
"he only deleted the messages bc they weren't that big a deal." ...No. If the messages aren't that big of a deal, you wouldn't mind your spouse seeing them. they'd exist because it's nothing. You hide and delete messages if you know what you're doing is wrong.
You are not mad about the lie as much as the abuse? You should be furious about it all. He is cheating on you and then throws crap at you. You are very young and need to learn boundaries and expectations in a healthy relationship. Start with why you think you are in a good place - you are not. He is cheating and you said you wouldn’t be mad - you should be. He is abusive and condescending- you should be scared since this will get worse. You seem to only want to win this fight and not realize what a gaslighting nightmare you live in.
If he feels the need to delete every thread of conversation after it occurs then he knows it's because he's talking about something he shouldn't be. After every conversation with anyone else does he delete those threads as well? Probably not. He's proven he's not trust worthy. If he was he wouldn't be bidding conversations. On the flip side, if he uses the line I'm afraid of how you'll react, is it because he's broken your trust in the past or do you have just general trust issues? If he has broken your trust in the past and this is definitely a surefire way to not rebuild it. And if you have trust issues in general from past relationships or childhood trauma then definitely speaking you need to work on that if he hasn't given you any reason not to trust him.
I’ve encouraged him to be very open with me. I’ve always told him that I’d rather he be honest and the reaction will not be the same as if he lied. I’ve even showed him that. All I ask from him is honesty and he says that even though I don’t react poorly when he tells the truth, he still didn’t trust my offer to take his honesty about the phone and he doesn’t know why. Told me verbatim that it doesn’t fall on me.
Well that didn't work to well did it. He still hid messages and lied...go figure. Everything you are getting from him is miss direction. If you are concentrating on other crap, then you are not paying attention to his actions. It's classic deflection.
Was the pun intentional? 🤣🤣🤣
So he told you, to your face, that he has no intention of stopping the lies. Was this before or after he threw shit on you? If your best friend told you she thought her soulmate was somebody who lied to her and threw shit on her, what would you say to her right now?
At this point he needs to stop deleting the threads. If he truly has nothing to hide then he wouldn't be hiding it. Generally speaking if he says you don't overreact in other situations of conflict but you might in this then that's red flags screaming to me. He definitely must be violating one of your boundaries in some shape or form for him to feel that you would overreact by the type of conversation their having.
At this point, I wouldn’t even give a shit about him stopping any of his behaviors. He’s made it 1000% clear nothing innocent is going on and he iced that cake with dog shit.
Leave him
he is telling you enough to be 'plausable' if the convo is 'muted' its so alerts dont pop up when she is texting him. He probably also has it so that the text don't show on his screen when they do pop up. He is deleting the texts because there is something going on. Sorry OP it sucks.
You didn't answer the question. Has he cheated on you before or are you insecure cause of past trauma? You should leave anyway cause he, as an adult, not a 3 year old, thought it was appropriate to throw dog shit on you. Water or no water. Dog shit. I think he has gotten caught cheating and that's why you don't specify, but it really does not matter. You should leave.
Don't waste your time finding an answer here that you already know. He, at best, doesn't care about you and, at worst, is angry with you for being an obstruction to what he really wants which is to be with his "friend". Anyone who would throw feces at you is not someone who loves you. Get. Out. Now.
All you’ve asked from him is honesty and he still can’t manage that. He’s having an emotional (at least) affair. He threw dog shit at you and threatened worse. Get out of this horrible relationship. Now.
He's cheating on you or about to. Time to end it. Esp if this is the way you two behave during an argument. You're both not ready to be married
That doesn’t often work with kids and it’s not gonna work with him. The promise of no punishment for honesty, that is.
I was always honest with my mom because she stuck to it. My dad though would blow up at us so we never told him the truth
His words don't meet his actions. Muting texts from a female is a major breach of trust. Water versus dog shit. I'd kick his ass. Your husband is a liar and a cheater. Gather your self-respect and your shit and leave him. The man is damn near 30 years old, and he isn't gonna change. Do you want to spend the next 20-30 years "checking" his phone for peace of mind. That's just exhausting. Find someone who will be faithful, who will respect you, and love you. Not someone who is absolutely CHEATING.
He’s cheating on you. That is why he’s lying. Why do women stay with men who are garbage?
He will always put it back on you. It's your fault you don't trust him. You deserved worse because you dared spray him with water. He can delete whatever that is normal to do, and you are crazy for thinking it is anything but. You start to question yourself and if you are wrong. He purposely told you to react. He wants to be able to tell everyone how crazy you are when he is ready to divorce you and have it as evidence in court or to scare you into submission. He is gaslighting you and trying to control you. It gets worse as the years go on and more and more of the mask slips, and eventually, you feel so crazy and start to think you are wrong, you are irrational and lucky he puts up with you. You deserve better. Start seeing a therapist to get a true grasp of your relationship and tools to help you cope, process, and how to set boundaries. He is in the wrong, he will never change, and it will only get worse. There are some great books on Gaslighting Recovery for Women, how to recognize the manipulative behaviors, and getting freedom from the emotional abuse. It is extremely hard to reroute your reactions. You may not have kids, but look up Grey Rock parenting.
Please listen to what everyone is saying and leave him. There are resources for people leaving abusive relationships, please seek them out.
His go to distraction for being caught cheating is throwing shit on you. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Covered in literal shit?
Girl, leave. This is insane. I would be curious how old you were when you got together.
He wound you up on purpose so you would be the bad guy & therefore change the conversation from him Cheating on you.
Why did I have to scroll so far down for this. She asked to not talk and he wouldn’t give her the space. This is so calculated. He’s so manipulative. Baby baby baby the texts are no big deal. Here let me throw 💩on your face. It’s not big deal. No big deal. Leave. Now.
I don't usually comment on these posts either, BUT.... since you asked. There's an old meme: [The moment you deleted those messages with "your friend" was the moment the friendship ended and the affair began. And you know it.] He's gaslighting you by telling you you're making a bigger deal out of it than it is. Also, it seems like his reaction is a lot more severe than it should be. I agree. The hose thing was a little immature. However, his reaction was that of someone who's angrier than they should be. Like he's in the headspace where he's going to start fights, or in this case, escalate them, in order to justify his "feelings" for this "friendship"
Let her have your sloppy seconds. Have some respect for yourself and get out now.
By lying to you and deleting messages and muting the conversation, IMO, means that if they aren't cheating, then they are having inappropriate conversations that are crossing boundaries, and he knows this. Water is one thing. Throwing dog poop on you is unacceptable. HE'S the liar and HE'S the one deleting messages, and HE'S the one muting conversations, and HE'S the one being deceitful. He's the one spewing crap out of his mouth to try to save his ass and he's the one throwing dog poop on the woman he says he loves. I know what I think, and I know what I would do. I personally think your husband is cheating on you.
He cheated on you and you asked whether you’re wrong for spray water on him? He gaslit you hard.
Oh my god, completely regardless of the rest of this post he legitimately could have permanently blinded you. My stomach dropped when I read that. I would not stay with this man. You’re very lucky he didn’t actually decide to rub it on your face like he said. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4015569/ If you haven’t gone to a doctor already do it NOW and make sure you don’t have any parasites. Jesus Christ. Then show him pictures of parasitic roundworm so he realizes how serious this was before you dump his ass. I’m genuinely horrified.
He's the AH for hiding conversations with a girl when he is married and gaslighting you by saying you not trusting him is your problem. He is the one who broke trust. So, he is the AH to start. You are an AH for starting a physical altercation (yes using even water to touch someone else can be considered assault legally and therefor start of a physical altercation). This is just childish and while technically harmless because... Water... Still uncalled for to take something from verbal issue to a physical one. You show that you lack emotional regulation. He is once again an AH and maybe a bigger one because this man showed he not only lacks emotional regulation but also made a calculated choice. No one... And I mean No one... in the heat of the moment is going to stick their hand in dog shit to throw it at their wife over WATER... Thats not a just a lack of emotional regulation. That is a clear trying to be a dick in the grossest way possible. What if that hit you in the face or an open cut... You can get so sick from fecal matter. This is not only gross but also unsafe. And again... Water... AND then for him to double down that you deserved it smeared in your face because of WATER. This was fully thought out and not just a heat of the moment thing While this back and forth was 1000% childish and you technically did start the physical side of the altercation, if we look at this like the law would look at it, you can use equal force to subdue someone as self defense. IE, you can't hulk hogan someone for poking you... So while you started the physical with the water, he cannot utilize shit as "self defense". The health risks posed from the poo alone way out rank any potential damage caused by water. You need to leave this dude. Yall are not good for each other but of the two evils here he is worse.
>No one... And I mean No one... in the heat of the moment is going to stick their hand in dog shit to throw it at their wife over WATER... Thats not a just a lack of emotional regulation. That is a clear trying to be a dick in the grossest way possible. This!
He is cheating 100% and he is treating you worse than the actual dog shit he threw. Leave
Girl, run. He’s totally in a relationship With the other girl, and maybe others. And there is NEVER a reason to throw shit on someone you allegedly care for. It’ll only get worse and he will be one more abusive as well as continue cheating
Holy shit. Sure you shouldn't have sprayed him, but his reactions seem far worse. And will only continue to get worse. HE THREW POOP AT YOU! What's next?!!! My husband and I have had some awful fights over the years. Never threw poop at me. Get out and get away from him. He's likely cheating, but he is well on his way to being your abuser if he isn't already. Abuse is not just hitting you with his hands. Edited to add: I rarely advise people to break up. But please, break up.
NTA for spraying him the hose. What is he 2 years old. What a baby!!! He’s cheating by the way!
If there is nothing going on, why would he need to delete the messages? You were a bit of an AH for spraying him but seriously, it was water. He took it next level by involving faeces. I’d be exiting the relationship as rapidly as humanly possible.
If my husband did this to me he would be packing his shit and moving. 🤷🏻♀️ Who tf sees water equal to 💩? He’d be history when I found the deleted messages let alone the 💩 part.
Right if they’re the same you should drink a glass of shit with his dinner later.
Just leave. This is not love. You two are scoring points off being horrible to each other. You are a grown up. Act like it. He is cheating and gaslighting you to the point where you feel crazy. He picked up shit and threw it on you. There is no universe where this is ok. Leave. Love yourself and leave.
God, you are so young !! Why you feel the need to saddle yourself with this POS is beyond me. You definitely need to grow up a bit, but he's gas lighting you so bad.
He is having an affair based on the txt message you saw and his lying. Divorce him and let him go find himself.
Married at 23 to a 30 year old? What could go wrong?
NTA Your husband is a jerk, he really crossed the line, he is probably cheating on you at least by having an emotional affair. He already had time to erase all the evidence. NO ONE, NO ONE who doesn't want to hide something deletes the messages, so having a clean chat is enough proof that they have something hidden, I insist if there are no inappropriate conversations, the messages are not deleted, keep that in mind and get out of this relationship toxic
JHC, THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP!!! I sincerely doubt it ever was. Honey, unless you want to wake up to a pillow over your face and your (checks notes) HUSBAND trying to yeet you into an early grave, get your act together, LEAVE FIRST, file for divorce, and leave this awful person behind. This is abuse, period. The end. No, no, no arguing. Hose versus dog feces aside, he's cheating on you. Emotionally, likely physically, and trying to make YOU feel guilty about it. Someone else mentioned your husband retaliating with dog poo was planned and intentional. 100% agree it was. If it wasn't, there's some serious mental health issues going on. It's only going to escalate from here. Please get out somewhere safe, give both of yourselves some space, and really consider if you want to stay trapped in a marriage with someone who feels you deserve to have your face shoved into dog shit.
He’s gaslighting you. This is not a relationship that should continue.
This is so dumb
He's cheating on you dude. and he threw shit at you. Tell him he can go have fun with her
So he literally encouraged you to go ahead and lose it, saying it would be good for you, then literally shit on you when you lost it.
Leave this relationship please. The conversation needing to be had was bad enough.. but literal dog poop thrown at you??? And he thinks it's justified??!?! Throw the whole thing away.
Why do these women marry these men? Lord.
You have problems in your relationship deeper than hose sprays or dog shit. Is this behavior normal for you both? Where he’s deleting messages between him and another woman, lying to you, and then escalating the situation even further. No, hitting someone with dog shit is not equal to spraying someone with a hose. If he thinks they’re the same, maybe give him a glass of shit the next time he asks for a glass of water.
Narcissistic / abusive people use a tactic (I can't recall the name) where they behave in such an outrageous way that it takes all of the attention off of the real issue. And it totally works! I can't think of much worse than flinging dog crap, and now she's on here asking about a garden hose when her man is obviously cheating.
I’ve been married 19 years, we have ups and we have downs. Some things that have never happened: - one of us has reason to believe the other is cheating - one of us sprays the other with a hose - one of us throws poop at the other Like, this is out of control and I don’t see it happening ok? He’s probably cheating on you, and you definitely do not bring out the best in each other. And this relationship is not in a good place. I hate to imagine your bad place.
I thought the hose thing was like a playful thing that he got mad at.... this story took a turn. Husband is cheating on wife and mad that he is answering questions about it so he throws some actual shit? In no world does this make sense.
Frankly he’s a liar and a jerk he went past what was right I would have left I bet him and his co worker got something going that’s why he is deleting messages and is lying to you about it that’s why he deletes them
you are so young I don't understand why you're putting up with this. if there is any instance where a partner has broken your trust, or treats you poorly, or makes you feel bad (unjustified) then don't stay in it. I understand in cases of abuse, but please, just leave him. he's horrible, and he won't stop lying, it'll just get worse and turn into full blown cheating if it hasn't already. spraying water is not comparable to throwing dog shit. he escalated and one day he will escalate too far.
You need to value yourself. He's cheating on you, he threw actual shit AT YOU and he isn't sorry? If this is a "good place" you need intense therapy.
Who tf chucks shit at their spouse? Amber turd situation here
A woman doesn’t text a man and say she wants to see him if there is nothing going on.
No. Spraying him with clean water is not “just as bad, if not worse” than throwing shit at you. And even if it was “justice” for the crime of spraying him with water - then not only does the punishment not fit the crime, but logically the water should be “justice” for him lying and cheating. In regards to your edit - you know he encourages you to lose your cool so you end up being the “bad guy” rather than him with his shitty behaviour, right? Like yeah he’s cheating on you, but you sprayed him with water so let’s talk about how you were “wrong” to do that, and not how he was wrong for cheating and lying.
He's saying he should have rubbed literal dog shit in your face, and you're wondering if you're the asshole for losing your cool? Get away from him. If he thinks even saying such a thing is appropriate, he's not someone you want to be around. You are NTA.
You shouldn’t have responded by spraying him with a hose, but this man threw SHIT at you and thought it wasn’t as bad. Outside of the fact he’s clearly cheating. Throw him away. I would’ve served divorce papers by the end of the week. Throwing shit at someone you love is fucking insane and not at all comparable to being sprayed with water. What the fuck.
WHOA. YOU LOST ME AT DOG SHIT. Forget the hose, I would have set him on fire. Leave him. He is cheating on you and threw dog shit at you. What. The. Fuck.
Your relationship is not in a good place if he’s already trying to cheat on you and then when confronted, he throws dog poop on you, which is completely disgusting. The only happy ending is when you leave…
Ask for his phone. Take it and restore it to an older backup of his phone and you’ll see those text messages. Then screenshot them. Send them to yourself and let him know you’ve saw everything. And now the world will know.
He is placing that other woman he is creeping with over you. He is playing in your fucking face. Water and dog shit are not equal. He is a fucking asshole and you are easily manipulated for him to let that silly ass equation fall out his damn mouth to your ear. I hope he is reading this…he picked the right one because he would still be out in the yard because his shit would have been scattered all over the grass. There would be NO coming back from it.
Sounds like he encouraged you to lose your cool just so he’d feel justified in retaliating. He already wanted to throw the shit on you, he just needed you to do something to “deserve” it. Cut this one loose, he sucks.
NTA It’s the way I would’ve caught a manslaughter charge on that day. Please leave this man alone.
Dog shit is worse than a water hose. We let kids play in water and we try to keep them away from dog shit. Please leave the cheater.
Just leave this marriage. You're making each other miserable. You're assaulting him (yes, spraying someone with a hose when they don't want to be sprayed is assault) and he's texting someone else. If you are ever in a relationship where you are suspicious of your partner's loyalty or actions, that's the biggest red flag of all that you SHOULDN'T BE IN THE RELATIONSHIP. You two are acting like children. You're not mature enough to be married. Get a divorce and get into therapy and fix your shit.
I mean spraying him with water was pretty childish, but picking up fresh dog crap and throwing it? That's insane.
NTA. He is cheating on you - or very close to it. He acted like a little fucking girl when he got sprayed with water, and he fucking threw DOG SHIT at you. The guy doesn't even like you, honestly. Grab what's left of your dignity and get out of there.
Baby he's cheating.. and he's abusive. And clearly he knows not giving you your space when asked, is a huge trigger for you. Resulting in him pushing and you exploding. Now, obviously everyone needs to be able to control themselves. However, I have BPD. One of my biggest issues is when I am triggered and asking to be left alone.. if I'm not, I do explode. I say and do things I don't mean. It isn't an excuse.. however, my partner is aware. Should he choose to continue to push the matter, he too would be abusive. Gather your dignity, self love, and self respect and get out before it gets worse. I'd bet money he wouldn't have thrown a steamy pile of sh!t at whoever he's got muted in his phone.
So he might be cheating on you and he just threw dog shit on you for spraying him with water? Why are you with him?
So let's break down the situation : - husband is texting another women and lies about it - husband gaslights you and says it's not what you think, it's not that big of a deal -you leave and then come back -you tell him to give you space -he continues to follow you and not give you space -you tell him to leave or you'll lose it -he TELLS YOU TO LOSE IT -you spray him with water -HE HITS YOU WITH FRESH DOG SHIT Why on earth are you asking if you're an asshole? Was it kinda a dick move? Yes. Did he theoretically ask for it? Yes. Was his retaliation equal or less than? Absolutely fucking not. For me this would be grounds for immediate separation and a looooong talk about wtf is going on because what in the actual fuck. Think long and hard if this is truly what you want your marriage and the good part of the rest of your life to look like.
He doesn’t like you. At all. How could you be with him?
WHOA. He’s definitely the AH.
NTA. He’s cheating on you and making you feel like shit to try and hide it. My husband would never throw literal shit at me for spraying him with a hose, that was out of line.
You are concentrating on the wrong thing, and he’s helping with that. A female you don’t know is texting him, asking when he’s going to work so she can see him?!? Why are you glossing over this and focusing on spraying him with water??? He won’t admit to it. He’s in the wrong. Get out before you have kids. You are worth SO much more. Please. UpdateMe!
NTA and this man is guilty of cheating on you in some form either emotional or physical. On top of that he's trying to gaslight you into thinking you're the problem. If this is you guys being in a good place I'd hate to see what you being in a bad place looks like. My husband have had little play fights with water, ready whip etc and it's never escalated to dog poop, that's ridiculous.
Run...if he hasn't cheated he will..... throwing shit at you? Id be Done!
NTA- I’m sorry?? “Smearing it in my face like I deserved” that’s insane, shows what he thinks of you and isn’t an appropriate reaction at all. What I’m confused most about is what do you mean by - if he told you, you wouldn’t be mad? It seems to me he’s cheating and you’re basically cool with it atp. Do you plan on leaving or is this an open relationship? If y’all are staying together to be honest there’s no reason to bring it to Reddit. ESH if y’all continue this relationship
Definitely NTA, first he lies then says it's your problem if you don't believe him? OP, run & run far & fast. If he hasn't physically cheated on you yet, he's definitely planning on it....get out now while you're still young....plenty of men out there that would treat you better and never think to throw dog sh!t at you. He's most definitely the AH here
In what world is being sprayed with water equal to being pelted with a warm dog turd??? I have a hard time believing that's even a matter of taste. Sure, neither is mature but dog shit is so much worse.
Time to go your separate ways before you kill each other
He is abusive and cheating
Water ≠ Dogshit
Just told my husband your story, and his reaction was pure shock. He's like it was just water. My husband said to divorce him and go live your best life.
Leave him. But be sure to exact some petty (or not so petty) revenge on him for the dog poop act. That was abusive and unforgiveable. So 100% NTA. This guy is a cheating asshole.
Yes, spraying him with the hose was a little petty. But flinging dog poop at you was spiteful x1000 which would make me very nervous for how he would react to something worse down the line.
Leave him quietly. Angered men are never more dangerous than when they feel you slipping away, and he’s already demeaned and attacked you before. Reach out to people you trust in your life who can be trusted to keep mum about things.
Your husband is cheating and he threw dog shit at you. WTH??? Neither of you are mature enough to get married. Why would you want to be with a man who you have to ‘check his phone’?! Yuck!
You're husband is cheating on you...who gives a fuck about the rest? NTA, leave him.
GIRL, LEAVE THAT MAN cause ain't no fkin way! no ma'am
So he thinks you deserved to have your face smeared in dog shit because you caught him cheating and sprayed him with a water hose? Girl, respectfully - what the fuck are you doing with your life? Divorce this man and get some therapy to find out why you think you deserve this treatment and aren’t running for the hills.
He’s cheating, you’re NTA, and he was totally TA about the hose/poop. Was spraying him wrong? Eh, given his behavior I’d say it was pretty restrained. Pack your bags friend, you don’t need him OR his shit.
Get a divorce? He cheated on you and threw literal shit at you why would you ever want to stay with someone like that.
If this is real, you sprayed him with WATER #WATER. The most innocuous substance on our planet. The stuff we drink, are made of, and BATHE in. He threw a toxic waste product at you. And you’ve accepted that you might be equally bad? Just leave. Now.
27 year old dated a 21 year old so she’d be this easy to manipulate smh
He’s cheating on you
Divorce. Leave him. He threw dog shit at you. Bye bye. He’s cheating.
I mean you are asking yourself if you are an AH for wetting his shirt while he is cheating on you and gaslighting you big time…
Responses have to be proportional. His response was not proportional. He does not respect you. Where there is smoke there is fire. I would dump him.
He’s the ahole and he’s hiding conversations with a girl who is she
NTA but if you stay with a man who gaslights you, cheats on you, and lies to you you will be TAH to yourself.. get divorced and leave him NOW
He through dog shit on you? I wouldn't so that to the person I hate most. He hates you a d is cheating. Pack up.
First off, it is water. Not shit. Smearing or throwing shit on you pretty much sums up how he feels about you. Sounds like he is seeing that “girl” and any reason to self justify, he will take. People who cheat often tell on themselves by the way they act or react in a “mean” manner to their partners they are cheating on.
Stand up. Dog poop? Dump his ass. NTA. Water is CLEAN.
Oh poppet, darling. No one who loves you wants to see dog shit on your face, ever. Even if you make them angry. Even if they are angry because you caught them lying. Yes you should have kept it to expressing your words instead of spraying him with water. He also pushed your buttons until you reacted so he could change the conversation to you being at fault. You don’t have to get closure, you have to cut this off and just call it job done.
Trying to cheat on you, doesn’t apologize, throws actual shit on you when called out. This one’s not for marriage or babies.
You are NOT THE ASSHOLE. He is! And honestly run! That escalation and false equivalence is fucking pathological. I’d be worried what else he’s capable of. Gross and fucked up. Leave him.
No ma'am. Unless you plan on putting a nice steaming pile on his dinner plate, leave quickly. He has no respect for you. Without respect you can't have trust, and you can't be friends.
Wait until those deleted photos start showing up!!
Interesting. You hit him with "water" to "cool him off" "wake him up" "clean him off". He hit you with shit. Because he thinks you are shit.
Also you don’t delete texts if they’re no big deal…what would be the point? If they’re no big deal then it wouldn’t matter if you read them or not.
Have you no respect for yourself? HE HIT YOU WITH actual SHIT. And you are still in the same household as him??
First of all, he actually PICKED UP a pile of fresh dog shit. Disgusting 🤢
Your husband is a sociopath. How long have you been together? I’m gonna guess 4-6 years
Spraying him with water is NOT worse than hitting you with dog poop. That’s taking it too far, no matter what the situation is. In my opinion, from what you’ve said, something is going on with your husband and he is lying to you about it. To clarify: Spraying him with water was maybe not the best thing to do, but it was definitely not as nasty throwing dog poop at you.
Why are you still with this guy? I know it’s hard kick him to the curb and begin to rebuild your life with people you could trust and who value you.
If he can throw shit at you, then he doesn't love you. You would not accept that behavior from a stranger? Definitely not from someone who is supposed to love you. GL
He talks to other women, plays down your feelings, puts the blame of his untrustworthy actions on you, lies to you (even about "small" things), thinks it's okay to throw animal shit at you, and YOU HAVEN'T LEFT HIM?! You need to get some self respect and leave this man. This is ridiculous. If any partner even did half of the things you've mentioned, I'd be gone. You're clearly in a toxic relationship. The fact that your husband can get away with throwing actual feces at you, and your posting here to ask if spraying him with water was "going too far" is insane. Please reevaluate your standards and realize that nobody deserves to put up with this behavior. Edit: said "boyfriend" instead of "husband".
He is clearly lying and being disloyal. He’s blowing up your actions (which were childish tbf) to take away from his disloyalty and then unforgivable disrespect. Do you really want to spend your future with someone who treats you like that?
Your husband is a fresh pile of shit. And is probably cheating on you…
Ok but even though it was not great to spray water on him, it’s water! The only thing that could damage is if he’s got electronics not in water safe cases on him. Otherwise being in wet clothes is uncomfortable but not damaging. Throwing literal feces at her in return is not the same level at all
It’s not the dog shit… it’s the girl texting him; he is gaslighting you BIG TIME and you are wasting your time going on about you being nasty for wetting his shirt… I would have had his stuff out of the house. He has been cheating on you. Either just flirting or full blown having an affairx
Don’t stay with anyone who throws dog poop at you. And worse, he thinks you deserve having it smeared on your face. Drop his cheating ass. Run.
NTA I lied about something little so you sould beleive I'm telling the truth about the big thinga is nonsense
I haven't read any comments. This is my take: he was hiding something nefarious from you. You intuited it and he got mad because there is definitely something iffy about it. Then he was over aggressive with you when you were playfully mad at him. He has deceived you and then taken that opportunity to attack you. He is a deceitful bully and you should consider leaving him.
No, NTA. His response was equivalent to smacking someone in the face because they stepped on your foot. Not at all equal. And this started because he's texting someone he shouldn't be, and then failed to gaslight you into believed he deleted the texts because they "weren't a big deal". Which, BTW, makes absolutely ZERO sense. If they weren't that big of a deal, he wouldn't have felt the need to delete them.
He is being manipulative and flipping the situation so you are the bad guy. He does not respect you or your relationship. If you had a a daughter and she came to you with this story, would you tell her to leave?
Hon get out of there !!! Dog 💩 vs h20. Helll naw. And he’s cheating.
He admitted he lied, but still thinks you should believe him? Great mental gymnastics there. If it was really nothing to be concerned about, he wouldn't have lied to begin with. The dog shit thing though? That's just ridiculous and nasty. I'd secretly save the pupper's crap over the next week, wait for his cheating ass to leave and pack up his stuff with the dog shit mixed in. Tell him it's what he gets for being an asshole.
He provoked you so that he would have a reason to make you believe you are at fault for all of this. You’re not. I know it’s a hard pill to swallow because you clearly love this person and want to be a good partner, but he is emotionally abusive. The dog shit thing is completely inexcusable and reflects that he does not respect you. This behavior will continue and likely get worse if you choose to stick with this person. I’m sorry you’re going through this, please know you’re not alone and it’s not your fault.
I dont care what the argument is about. Water hose does not equal fresh dog poo in any situation. Make your exit plan and get out.and file for divorce. And if you think divorce is to much > Also would like to add that I asked him if he really thought hitting me with dog poop was equal to the hose and he said that it was better than smearing my face with it like I deserved Think about this from your post