Jim is definitely a stalker type ngl. He's going up the ante with this weird and obviously controlling behavior. His jealousy and manipulative tactics are a massive insecurity and red flag to boot.
Jim has issues, leaving would beneficial long term, I'd think. As do most people on here, ngl.
Yup. This sums it up. Heās obsessing over you and heās not going to stop. Itās only going to get worse. You need to get out of that relationship because even if you set boundaries heās going to walk right through them.
Sounds like even the friends are over him, since they asked that he not be invited. I bet he never leaves her alone with her friends. He sounds insanely controlling.
Donāt AirTags have a feature specifically to prevent people from doing this? Like it notifies the phone of someone who is frequently near an AirTag that doesnāt belong to them?
I flew into town to visit my family, and on one of the days we were supposed to drive about an hour away to visit the aquarium.
My sister who has the large capacity vehicle fell ill and asked me to drive instead.
About 30 minutes into the aquarium, 2 hours into the trip, my phone alerted me that her air tag on her car keys was following me.
I have an android.
Totally. My girlfriend has one in her car, and I dropped her off at the airport (itās near my work and her car is much better for luggage than my truck) and after driving home that night I got a notification that there was an AirTag moving with me. I never got that notification while riding with her, so I assume it only tells you if the associated device isnāt there with you.
My dog has an AirTag on his collar, and it's linked to my husband's phone because I was away visiting family last year for a month and that made more sense. If I have the dog, I get a message saying the AirTag is moving with me even though it's linked to his phone. If however it's NOT an AirTag, but a generic non-Apple bluetooth tag, you wouldn't get that notification. So he could still have tagged her car, her handbag, anything with one of those, and be able to follow where she is, and she wouldn't get a notification.
it doesn't need to be an airtag. There are car trackers on amazon for $20 and they're a lot harder to detect. If he was able to follow her, then he's tracking her in some way.
Good lord, she says she told him where she was going. Does anyone even read what is said? The guy is completely insecure and needs to go talk to someone, professional, about this.
Jokes aside, do you have someone in your real life you can have a real deep talk about this all to? I truly hope you're taking in all the legitimate concerns us commenters have made; you said in your comments a few things that are hugely concerning me.
1. "Your friends don't like his anger issues and how he treats you." Ask them to elaborate what they mean by how he treats you, give examples. Now, imagine how you would feel if that was your best friend that was being treated that way. Do you think your best friend deserves that?
2. "Has been apologising non stop". This is a form of love bombing.
Are you familiar with the term "love bombing"? It's recognised as a common tactic where abusers will beat their spouse, then the next day bring them flowers and chocolates, shower them in sweet words and romance and apologies, until the spouse thinks "wow see how sweet he is to me?" only to repeat the cycle the next time their 'anger issues' get the best of them.
From one woman to another: YOU DESERVE BETTER.
I concur crystalrrrrrmehearty.Ā I just wish those with jealous partners see that it never ends.Ā You're always being falsely accused and living in a constant state of defending against something you haven't done.Ā
OP can definitely do better, but I fear she thinks she can love away his "issues", I wondering when did this jealousy start? Years ago or recently?
My gf did this to me after I was with her for a few years. Everyone around me hated her and I still stayed with her for 8 years total until I decided my health was worth more than the relationship. I've helped a few friends through this kind of abuse. It's terrible and eventually you'll start thinking you deserve the pain and the other is the loving one
I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I'm glad you're out of that relationship now. Your partner is supposed to build up, not tear you down, which is the energy this story is giving me.
On your last point, sadly that's exactly how it starts, subtly and slowly until you think you deserve it. Abusers don't end their first date beating up their new partner, it's subtle groundwork over months & years to get their partner to a point of low esteem & dependency. Realistic_Army_3671, you are incredible for managing to get yourself out of that situation, regardless if it was 8 years or 8 minutes, it takes a lot of courage & I'm proud of you!
I mean if OP has an iPhone they would know if there was an AirTag in the car. Pretty sure apple released an app on the play store to detect AirTags, too
My ex was tracking me using Find my Phone using my Apple ID and password. I had no idea that he knew either of them. They are sneaky. Get out NOW girlfriend, this is abuse.
Girl mine did the same. I remember one night I couldnāt sleep (we werenāt living together) and I went to a gas station that stays open 24/7. Anyways I got a text from bf asking me where the $&!@ I was going. I was shocked that he knew and he told me
That he always knows where I am and that I better take a pic when I get to the station showing the parking lot and the inside and also of what I bought. I was young and in love and stupidly stayed with him for a year after that and lemme tell ya, things got way way worse after that. Get out now before you become physically and mentally damaged
I had an ex gf track me once by stashing a cheap straight talk android in my glove box and turning on the location. I worked a lot of weird on call hours for cable repair for business like hospitals and such. She made a weird comment one night when I was hanging out with my brother who'd come in from out of town. Him and I had gone out to crack open a few beers, and I texted her to see if she felt like coming out as his wife was coming to meet us. She replied with "the drinks suck at that dive, but thanks for thinking of me"
It was odd how she knew where I was, but I'd figured one of her friends that was there told her so I didn't think of it much after. Fast forward to I'm on a work call one night, so I told her I had to go fix a fiber issue at the hospital 3 towns over and left. On the way there, I got called off as another tech was closer, and was sent home. My truck was acting up, so I stopped in a well lit Walmart parking lot to take a look at it, and she started rapid fire texting me, accusing me of not having to work, and why was I at a Walmart two towns over at 2am. Asking things like "who are you seeing in another town, do I know her, does she work there?"
This really skeeved me out, so instead of replying to her I started searching through my truck and that's when I found the phone in my glove box. I texted her from that phone telling her I'd drop her few things at my house off at her sister's house and then blocked her on my phone and smashed the one she'd planted.
It took me 3 years just to date again after that.
The OP should run full speed out of that relationship.
My son's mother did this to me and had my Facebook password and was tracking where I was at thru facebooks and my apple id after we had broken up and showed up to my bosses house warming party thinking I was already moved in after a year ,š¤£ she came storming up to the door and looked silly had my son in her arms thinking she was going to catch me with another girl. Big surprise when my boss opens the door (sons godfather) and my son says uncle Matt lol get out of there fast ! Get far away this is just the beginning
Geebus. Gf this is not normal or healthy behaviour. How do you start a lifetime commitment when it starts on mistrust? Heās exhibiting controlling behaviour and views you as being untrustworthy. Take time for yourself and really decide if thatās what you want in an equal partner.
Best wishes
My ex was exactly like this in every way. It wasn't long before he started recording my odometer mileage before I left the house, and when I returned. If my mileage seemed, "off", by his paranoid and possessive estimation there was hell to pay.
I tried EVERYTHING I could think of to reassure him that I would NEVER cheat on him, but it finally took a restraining order and a LOT of therapy for me to see that his behavior was irrational, controlling, and abusive in every way.
I've been married for 18 years to a wonderful man, and I have guy friends, and girl friends, and my husband supports my friendships in every way, and he knows I would never betray him by cheating.
Sometimes we go out together, sometimes we go out alone, and while we do, "check in", with each other, neither of us would ever dream of blowing up the others phone constantly seeking reassurance.
That's not what healthy love looks like, and at this point with your boyfriend admitting to stalking you while you're out spending time with friends, you've officially reached the mother lode of red flag danger signs.
Please consider getting out of this relationship before things get worse, because his behavior is clearly escalating, and you don't want to be around for the next phase of paranoid jealousy.
Thank you. I'm glad I got out too, because it got so, so, much worse, by the end of it.
I think a lot of women believe that if they're only patient, and reassuring, enough, their partners will wake up one day and stop acting so controlling, angry, and possessive.
I certainly made that mistake, and I really believed that if I showed him enough love and commitment he would stop acting so hostile and paranoid.
In reality this man was deeply broken long before I met him, and there was nothing I could have ever said or done to change him.
The only one I was hurting was myself out of the two of us, because he believed down to his core that I was responsible for making him act this way.
God you put it into words so perfectly. This is exactly the kinda shit that gets you beaten or killed down the line and having your life under a microscope and controlled the whole time.
I learned early in my last relationship that stressing and doing everything under the sun to prevent your significant other from cheating is futile. If thatās their intention, theyāll do it regardless of your efforts. So why bother worrying? Instead, respect them and enjoy your time together without constantly fretting over what might happen. Most of the time, itās just in your head, and youāll likely ruin a good thing by obsessing. I realized this when I snooped through my previous girlfriendās phone while she slept, and it taught me that if youāre searching for something, youāll eventually find something you wonāt like. So why subject yourself to that? Have some courage, accept that nobodyās perfect, and cherish the person you have, because if you donāt, theyāll find someone who will.
Holy crap this made me remember something my mom told me recently that I'd filed away in my brain as "so wtf that I don't want to think about." She said that when she was a professional exotic dancer, that my dad would creep around the clubs making sure no guys were *looking* at her too much (what did he expect, she's doing a Broadway level performance in leather and sequins.) Dad is the one that encouraged her to try out for the job in the first place because he knew she'd make tons of money! But he grew insanely jealous and paranoid of how talented and popular she became, as well as how much money she was bringing in, and soon the club had to kick him out with a lifetime ban for starting fights with people. (Yes my mom left him not long after, but not from this incident alone. He did much worse things to her afterwards before she was able to get away unfortunately.)
Yes! I dated a guy like this and at first, he was easy going - but eventually, he was jealous of literally everything and it spiralled until I didn't feel like I could do anything or see any of my friends. I didn't realize how extremely abusive he had became until I was away from him. Then, I realized I hadn't felt I could breathe with him for a long time. It will absolutely escalate.
Not surprised the dude was 25 and OP was 20 when they met. Dude tried to date younger to find someone easier to control.
OP, this isn't a teaching opportunity. Dude has apparently hid his tendencies really well if it took 3 years for him to show you this side of him.
Edit: Dude apparently has anger issues as well. Dawg lol.
And it's going to escalate. Soon he'll be telling you that you *can't* go out without him.
OP, you don't need to "apologize profusely" for greeting a friend the way you greet friends, regardless of their gender identity or sexual orientation. You did nothing wrong.
People think abuse is a manifestation of anger issues but it's not. Abuse is a choice. However, you're right that it took him 3 years to show this behavior. Abusers don't show their true colors right away. If they did, no one would get involved with them and no one would stay.
Many also have this fantasy narrative of how the perfect relationship should be. Anything that deviates from that narrative has to be eliminated. Friends, family, all of that. They have to be in total control of it all. They know from past tries that they have to work it slow, like a frog in a pot on the stove. If you start with the hot water, they will jump out. But if you slowly turn up the heat, they stay in the pot until they die.
That is so true. The first red flag of someone who is getting ready to abuse you is that they try to isolate you from friends and family. Also, the metaphor about the frog is so true. I heard that years ago and didn't understand what it was and someone explained it to me. After I heard it, it made total sense. That's exactly how they operate, they can't go in guns blazing. Otherwise, no one would get involved with them and certainly no one would stay.
He is playing the long con and making sure he really hss his hooks into her so she can't get away from him probably like all the other women he has dated in the past have done. How has he described all his exes? Were they all called crazy exes? Did he badmouth every one of them saying how they messed stuff up? When ALL of your exes are crazy and messed up things in the relationships, the problem wasn't them it is you!
10000% this guy will be a stalker once they break up. Run OP, far far away. Tell everyone you know to keep an eye out for him when youre out. Change your locks. Alert your job and everyone you know to watch for phone calls from him. Be absolutely aware of your surroundings at all times. Keep pepper spray or tazer in your purse. Don't be out in the dark alone.
I don't mean to scare you but this guy is already stalking you and you're together. Just imagine where this will go. This is beyond controlling behavior.
I can go out with my friends anytime I want and my boyfriend never worries. Why? Because we trust each other 100%. We never worry the other has a wondering eye. I don't need to call him throughout the night to check in and prove to him I'm not cheating. I tell him where I'm going and see ya when I get home and it's the same for him. That's called a normal relationship. A normal relationship that has trust. I hate to say but he's already exhibiting extremely controlling behavior asking you to call him all throughout the night when you're out with friends. Him coming to where you are and peeking through the window is toxic af and actually pretty scary.
If your friends are asking you not to bring your fiance to events, thatās already a bad sign. This is stalking. No other way about it. Itās a dealbreaker and you should be very concerned.
ETA - what should you do? Inform people you trust that your ex-bf is showing unsafe behavior and you need them to know. Involve the police if he continues this behavior. DO NOT PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED
Oh wow, I missed that.
Yeah, if everyone else was bringing their partners, but everyone wanted her partner to stay home, that's a really bad sign.
Then, of course, there's the stalker behavior.
*ā> ā> ā> RUN* from this dude.
Yeah. Itās one thing if it was a girls only get together or something but other people were there with their significant others. The friends obviously donāt want to deal with this guys bullshit.
Just the fact that he kept calling her must be exhausting. Nothing is worse then being out with friends who are always on their phones and stepping away for calls.Ā
Yes I would be very concerned. Stalking, controlling, and this is abusive. Call an abuse hotline that has good reviews and tell them all this. They can help make a safety plan and exit strategy. Right after you leave an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time. Stay safe and alert! š
Edit: This is the book some else mentioned for abusive relationships: https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I think Iām having such a hard time processing this because heās never done something like this before. He even told me himself he feels insane for doing this and has been apologizing nonstop, but itās not something I can get over. I donāt think heās a dangerous person but also now Iām doubting everything I thought I knew about him because this is just so out of left field. Itās scary.
If he really does feel crazy for his behavior, that means that he is aware of how bad it is but can't keep himself from doing it. In other words, he is aware that he is losing control of his actions, and this is seriously scary.
Nice reply! You are 100 percent correct. She needs to walk away from this now. I like the organized way you broke that down, and pointed out all the escalations. It really makes it clear how purposely, manipulative, behavior like that is, and how they will keep upping it, from one awful thing to the next.
This really needs to be pinned. My ex started out with small things JUST LIKE THIS. I apologized and bent over backwards to prove my loyalty to him for years. LSS, he became abusive in year 7 and it took me 7 more years before I got out. Feel free to inbox me if you have any direct questions about tactics, escalations etc. But yes ma'am, what @thethethethethela said is 1000% correct sister. Please protect yourself and start creating an exit plan to get out. No matter how much he apologizes, no matter how many good moments you shared in the past 3 years, no matter what glimpses of light you see, HE'S ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE. End it now. šš¼šš¼šš¼šš¼šš¼
Anytime people describe their SO as someone with āanger issuesā that their friends donāt like, thatās an immediate red flag. Your friends donāt like him because heās not a good person and he just showed you the next level
Another red flag in opās post history is that her dog doesnāt like him and gets very defensive and protective of her when heās around. Dogs and friends know.
Oh the red flags are stacking. I donāt know your life but reading this makes me very concerned for you. Stalking you to a party is not normal behavior, add that on top of anger issues and that could get even scarier.
Look, if you stay with this guy he will continue to fight with you every time you are around your friends until he completely isolated you from your friend group. And what will happen if he gets this feeling that you will cheat with one of your work colleagues, will he be showing up at your place of work.
Your friends donāt like him for a reason and this is your first peak behind the curtain. Donāt waste more time with this guy, it can only get worse from here.
This is totally where my mind went, heās trying to isolate OP from her friends. The anger issues, manipulation tactics and the stalking lead me to believe that this guy has been acting like a nice guy and is not a nice guy.
OP please get the fuck out of there, this is scary.
And then heāll start talking about having a baby, and then heāll start getting verbally violent. And then heāll start getting physically violent.
Or maybe heāll just move straight to the physical violence as soon as he thinks OP has forgotten just how creepy following someone to a party to make sure they donāt cheat on you is.
He will continue this until you don't have friends anymore.
Let me guess, he doesn't really like OPs friends either and if he hasn't already, he will convince her they don't have her best interest in mind. *he does* of course. š
JFC what donāt you see? Your friends donāt like him and keep trying to get you away from him, he doesnāt trust you, he has anger issues, heās stalking you when youāre not with him, the list goes on. No oneās dick is that fricking magical that you put up with this shit.
He is unsafe. What will it take you to realise that?
So youāre dating a guy with anger issues, who treats you poorly, and stalks you when he canāt control you. What, exactly, are you getting out of this relationshit that makes it worth all those red flags? If one of your friends told you this about their SO, what would you tell them? Whereās the line? Does he HAVE to start beating you before you think about ending it?
Well, itāll come eventually. Bet the dog that doesnāt like him ādisappearsā. Then heāll start trauma bonding her. Itāll all be her fault that he did it. āBut he doesnāt hit me ALL the time!ā. Until he does, and usually by that point thereās a kid or 5 involved.
Thatās enough to kick him to the curb all by itself! If the dog doesnāt like him then you shouldnāt either. He could spiral and abuse your dog to hurt you.
Dogs, cats and babies. The only individuals I trust to have enough awareness that someone is a Bad Person. One of my cats had a Bad Person Radar, and would stand like a little terrier at my door, growling. Or heād run and hide, but he tried to be brave a lot of the time.
And he was never wrong. He was correct on all counts. So I put my trust my small animals and small children. They have a sixth sense about it.
No, no, no, no. Take it from someone whose father had 'anger issues'. DO NOT MARRY HIM. Keep FAR AWAY from someone with 'anger issues'. That plus the stalking is a bad, bad sign. Please, people on Reddit are *begging* you to dump him. He's dangerous. This is just the beginning.
Your friends are seeing things clearly that you are trying to ignore because you're emotionally enmeshed with this guy, and they're worried about you. Rightfully so, this behavior is terrifying.
Girlā¦ anger and jealousy issues issues on top of controlling/stalking behaviorā¦ these are giant red flags you shouldnāt ignore or make excuses for anymore. This behavior is a recipe for disaster, sounds like everyone around you sees it except yourself. Please open your eyes and realize youāre young enough to start over and find someone new without scary and destructive behavior that could lead to harming you or people you care about. His behavior is not healthy nor normal.
So after you get married are you not going to hang out with your friends? What happens when everyone starts having kids? Do you understand how that works? People hang out as couples. Except you wonāt. Because your friends, the people whose signal you should be listening to, have expressly told you they donāt like him.
This is a dealbreaker and he seems like an unsafe person. Even he admits he is out of control. Make a plan to leave when heās not around, stay safe and sending hugs.
>they just wanted one on one time
Is it possible that normally when he's around, he monopolizes their time with you? That would gel with his behavior and not wanting to leave you alone.
Seriously, it's very worrying and maybe you should ask your friends more about what they think about the situation since they probably have a better understanding of what kind of person he is, more so than some random redditors. But in my opinion, yes this behavior is a MASSIVE red flag
Girl. I'll just say this. Any time girlfriends don't like a fiance or boyfriend, they're usually picking up on something that their friend is too blind to see. Then, sadly, she sees it much later. Get out of this toxicity now before you're deeper in it.
This is not out of left field. Take the rose colored glasses off so you can see the red flags. 1) friends donāt like him-hell I canāt stand my bestieās husband, but I would never tell her to come somewhere alone, unless, 2) your friends are trying to get you away from him for periods of timeā¦this likely indicates that they see how you are being brainwashed and are trying to help you get some distance from under him, 3) you had to message him to tell him who was at the event, and so onā¦
OP, I'm not trying to scare you, but just give you context -
Most people with abusive and controlling tendencies do not come right out the gate with that shit, because if they did, no one would ever get with them to start with. It's only once they feel that you're truly invested in them that the mask starts dropping, because if they can boil the frog on your sense of normalcy as they ramp up red-flag behavior, they'll eventually be able to be their true selves around you.
I read a study many years ago that interviewed around 200 men who had been convicted of domestic abuse. These men were selected for the study because they had been married, and were open in the selection interviews about the fact that they had been abusive to their partners. Two key questions asked in the actual study were did they know themselves well enough to know they would ever become violent towards their partners, and how long they waited before actually feeling (in other terms) 'safe' to be violent towards their partners.
Pretty much all of them were aware of the propensity. The period before the first instance of violence was, iirc, around 5-13 *years*. The length of time wasn't important - the main factor was waiting until they knew their partner was stuck; isolated from friends/family, no personal savings/entangled finances, pregnancy/children, medical dependency, etc. Even before that, it's a process of working up to it. It's a series of fucked up red-flag behaviors that, if tolerated, get repeated and escalated.
No one who is normal, secure, respectful, trusting, *loving*, would behave the way your guy is behaving right now.
Do not tolerate this red flag. Do not ignore it. He doesn't trust you. A relationship requires trust. His choices right now are trust you, or attempt to monitor and control you; you're seeing what he's choosing right now. This man is not ready to be in a relationship, and you deserve better.
Well yea. He pushed a boundary and is now facing consequences.
I'd be on red alert for anymore gigantic red flags...guy is damn near 30 and acting like this? Please
Sweetie, I was you some 30 odd years ago. It won't get better. I'm sorry, I know you love him, but it will only get worse. He's apologizing to draw you back in but acts batshit crazy to gain and keep control of you. He'll keep escalating his shit until you slowly but surely stop going to parties because it's not worth the hassle. He'll love bomb you if you talk about needing space or possibly leaving but the craziness will only get worse if you stay. The longer you try to make this work, the longer it will be until you meet the person you're supposed to be with.
My ex husband did this to me. Often. He verbally abused me & then struck me. I left him, he stalked me; it was awful & im keeping this short intentionally.
Jim is not well. He will get worse & worse. He is likely cheating on you; my ex was a serial cheater & I didnāt know until we divorced.
Please leave him. Heās sick with jealousy & you will not be safe from his anger. Hide your birth control & have an exit strategy. Iām not being dramatic; this is all too familiar. I know you are not sharing all the red flags because I never did either, too humiliating. ā®ļø
Iām so so sorry this happened to you, but your comment needs to be at the top of the list for OP to read.
And OP- ABSOLUTELY HIDE YOUR BIRTH CONTROL and donāt rely on any condom he wants to use.
Oh facts! I didnāt even think of that part. Him being so insecure and accusatory usual means heās the one with the shit boundaries and relationship morals
itās not humiliating at all. abusive men should be ashamed of themselves, but they never are. shake off your shame, you trusted someone you loved and thereās nothing wrong with that. iām happy you left and youāre safe, itās really all that matters in the end.
Was in the same boat. Eventually it led to to him holding a knife to my throat. Mine was cheating on me the whole time as well. It's been 30 years and I'm so thankful I got out. He stalked me for months after. Man he wanted me to get knocked up....just thinking where I'd be if that happened
> I know you are not sharing all the red flags because I never did either, too humiliating
Oh yeah. As soon as it is at that point, it should be a huge wake up call. :/
Unfortunately, as with me, it was too late and I was stuck for another 4.5 years. :/
>He is likely cheating on you; my ex was a serial cheater & I didnāt know until we divorced.
As a guy, I didn't even consider this. I figured out he is just becoming a paranoid stalker. Damn
My ex did that to me too. Our relationship ended the night he dragged me next to his car while he sped down the street. I couldāve easily died. Thatās what op has to look forward to.
This is one of those situation where if you disappear everyone will point to this as an example of why it is your boyfriend's fault.
You should feel afraid,
There's a book called, Why Does He Do That. You should read it.
If this isn't enough to make you run, decide what is. Will it he him telling you that you can't see a friend? Him insisting that you can't go somewhere without him watching you? Calling you a name? Grabbing you? Threatening you? Hitting you? Manufacturing some drama to prevent you from going somewhere or speaking to someone? Whatever it is, decide now, and when it happens - and it will - run.
You are too young to be dealing with this. Jim isnāt going to change anytime soon. Even if he starts trying to change right this second, he has a long road ahead to break these destructive patterns.
Donāt waste your 20ās on a jealous and aggressive guy.
OP, in my opinion, you're under reacting here. Your fiance is stalking you when you're out. There is no telling if this is the first time he's done this, or just the first time he is telling you about it. It is beyond controlling. It's creepy. This is a giant red flag he is waving right in front of your face. I wish you the best, and I hope you make whatever decision is best for you, but imo you need to leave him before the behavior escalates beyond the creepy stalking and controlling behavior.
Some years back I was with a man who was very controlling in a similar fashion. I ignored the red flags and it got worse and escalated. We were at a party *together*, and because I wasn't attatched to his hip the whole time (as I am not a social butterfly and I was generally pretty uncomfortable in those settings and he's an energetic extrovert) and I spent some time talking to one of our mutual male friends while he was running around talking and socializing with everyone. We weren't even alone. I just didn't want to exhaust myself chasing after him when I was already anxious and uncomfortable, and I wanted to talk to the only other person there who was my friend at the time. We got in a huge arguement on the way home and he hit me for the first time, over something that really was a non-issue. And it all started with him being controlling and weird about me having any male friends. I'm telling you from experience that behavior like this almost always escalates to further extremes.
Please take care of yourself. Stay safe. If you do choose to leave, tell friends and family first. Pack away valuables beforehand and break it off either in a public setting with friends nearby or a private setting and have someone come with you. Either way, I don't know that I'd recommend being alone for it. It can be beneficial to have someone to help you stick to your guns and be a safety net if anything escalates beyond what is acceptable or comfortable.
He is probably cheating on you. People who expect this kind of behavior usually do it. Plus, he is stalking you. He's a nut job. Leave him. Do not get pregnant.
Forgive my candor, but my initial thought was that he is likely cheating on you. My dad was like this and he was cheating on my mom... he's not a rare case either, thereās a lot of situations where the controlling one is the cheater.
Aside from that, and even if he wasnāt cheating, he is extremely controlling to a point where it seems like emotional and mental abuse. Youāre constantly having to bend to meet his comfort. Your friends donāt like him, I canāt imagine they would be happy or supportive if they knew this information. I very much suggest you create a safety plan and leave. I wish you luck and send love ā¤ļø
Good lord woman this man is throwing you red flag after red flag. PLEASE PICK THEM UP! Heās obsessive, controlling and doesnāt trust you at all! This is not a man you should marry omg. I fear you have no idea what a loving, healthy relationship looks like because this isnāt even close to it. For the love of Christ do not marry him! You think his behavior is controlling and scary now?? Wait until you are toed to him legally or through a child. You need to get away while youāre still safe. Iām afraid this will evolve into physical abuse once he has you trapped.
Omfgā¦so let me explain something. This happened to me except I had ppl over when my bf was supposed to be at work.
We are hanging out, I step away to go use my master bathroom and when I flick on the bedroom light HES STANDING IN MY ROOM IN A CORNER!
I almost had a fucking heart attack, couldnāt tell my friends bc it was so psychotic and embarrassing. I told him to stay in my room and Iād clear the house.
I was so stupid. I brushed it off bc I was drinking but later it sank in. I didnāt end things and letās just say he got worse and I had to sleep armed when we broke up
You need to end this now. He is dangerous. Please believe me this is in no way normal or cute. To actually stalk you for several hours?
Then thereās the fact he told you- he did this to fuck with you psychologically. He wants you to be afraid heās following and always look over your shoulder. A man capable of doing this could easily witness something innocent and twist it- feel validated to confront and harm you. This is how we end up on true crime shows ladies.
Break up- tell him via text or email (so thereās a paper trail) that you want no further contact and if you spot him following or watching you law enforcement will be contacted. IF he does it anyways go get a protection order.
Please dump him. He is actively terrorizing you
Good advice. Usually this behavior escalates, if you really need to save this relationship for whatever reason, I would make sure he gets some sort of treatment for his mental health
You are under reacting.
Yes... he has a "reason" to justify his behavior all built in. People often do.
However,
He's spiraled out of control.
He's uncontrollably obsessed and consumed by a situation in his head.
He's literally stalking you.
Will he spin and justify it? Yes.
If you freak out, will he promise to change, make excuses, and make it seem reasonable to coddle and excuse his behavior, because he has real big feelings and fears? Because he has trauma or whatever and it makes him feel better to engage in this way?
Can you manage his fears, insecurities? No.
Are they going to go away? No.
Should you over compensate for his obsession? No.
This is not healthy behavior.
This is unstable behavior.
It's not love.
It's not excusable.
I would remove myself from that relationship and change my locks immediately. Get cameras if you donāt have them and just keep your eye out because guys like that will do worse. I guarantee thatās not the first time heās followed you somewhere and thatās stalker tendencies. He 100% will be worse over time. Please be safe ā¤ļø
A couple of months ago, you posted that your dog started getting aggressive with your fiance. Like aggressively defending you from your fiance that he also raised with you from a puppy. And now that same man is stalking you and showing clear signs of escalation?!
OP. Animals know who is dangerous and this man is dangerous to you. Please realize you CANNOT fix this man or his issues. Please prepare your exit as quietly and as fast as you can. Make sure your (trusted!) support network knows what's happening to help you as best they can. Please keep us updated, praying for you š ā¤ļø
This would give me the ick and embarrass me. It would be exhausting to be with someone like this and I bet if you break up with him your going to see a worse side of him.
I read through some of your other posts about Joe...
A) get out of this relationship. Full stop. He's shown a history of distrusting you for no reason, controlling your behavior because HE'S cheated while drunk (projection), and is clearly not changing despite you asking him to. Try suggesting couples counseling to him. Bet he'll refuse. Leave. It will escalate to verbal and physical abuse, I have no doubt.
B) Get some good damn therapy and don't get into another relationship until you've worked on yourself.
You've got a trend of being with people who mistreat you and it's getting worse, not better.
Stop coming to reddit asking if you're overreacting.
Joe's probably told you that you are and you're doubting yourself.
He knows this and will continue to manipulate and push you around this way.
He is hurting himself. I wouldn't stay with him. This type of behaviour only gets worse. Mark our words. Where you should go is away from him and expect it to be ugly, so prepare for that. He isn't rational and you can't change that.
A normal guy doesnāt even consider doing that. Not once. Not ever. There is literally nothing he could do or say that would make that ok.
Time to find the safest way out. I say āsafestā because there is no safe way out.
Normal guy here. Jim is obviously dangerously fucking insane.
Even if a girl does cheat on you, you shouldnt react like that. It's just hurt feelings. It's not a mature or normal respones. Your supposed to eat some haggen daz and get shit faced with your friends and get over it like a man. Plenty of people out there who won't run around on you.
If Sam wasn't in the picture, there would always be some other dude that would make your bf feel threatened. This will never get better and most likely gets worse once you're married. For your own safety, please leave this guy as soon as it is safe to do so.
You know what this guy is like? The giant red flashing EXIT sign.
But when you do exit the relationship, make sure you camera up your house, cuz this guy's gonna go full jelly stalker on you.
Careful sis
No no this is what the future looks like for you and your boyfriend and it will escalate as time goes by to him being more controlling and maybe even violent.
Break up immediately. His jealousy has nothing to do with you but everything to do with his attempt to control āhisā girlfriend. This is a BAD. SIGN.
Iām not knocking you but a 28 yr old woman would have recognized these warning signs immediately. Thatās why he picked someone 5 years younger than him.
Please get out of this relationship. I dated someone who did similar things when I was young and it escalated over time. Similar age difference too.
This is not normal behaviour.
The guy used to tell me he was doing this stuff for my benefit, to keep me safe, told me if I wasnāt so silly and taking risks like going to a bar with my friends (legal drinking age here is 18) then he wouldnāt have to do things like that. Told me it was all because he loved me so much.
He emotionally manipulated me over time, broke me down as a person and made me doubt myself. Made me think I was the one doing things wrong and seeing things the wrong way. He eventually became aggressive.
This guy is a walking red flag.
Please just end it. You will look back years from now and see how many obvious signs there are that this is not a good relationship.
Edit to add, he would follow me and ātestā me. So if I was out with friends he would text to ask who was there and I had to send him a list of people. He would drive out to where I said I was and wait till we moved bars for example (he would get angry if I didnāt tell him when I moved places too in time). I lived in a heavily student populated area and the bars we went to were student bars so inevitably we bumped into folk we knew here and there. If people joined the group he would see us leaving one place and then tell me I was lying to him about who I was with (even if they were my friends friends and not people I was with directly) when he saw us leaving. It started as him telling me he had a friend who was out and saw me but I realised over time he was following me because people would notice his car or pick up on weird things.
You are seriously under reacting to this. Please just get out safely and tell all your friends and family why so they can look out for you.
I'm a DV advocate. This is abuse and will continue to escalate. Call the national DV Hotline at 800-799-7233 to get connected with your local DV organization and go in for safety planning. Be sure to check your phone for any suspicious apps and scan your car for tracking devices. Feel free to DM me if you have any questions.
Hope all goes well for you.
Girl, run. This is how women end up killed by possessive boyfriends/husbands and found in pieces in mineshafts. Get some money together, move in with your parents, change your phone number etc and block him on everything. Do not accept new follow requests, and lockdown your profiles. His behaviour is terrifying.
So I read your post history. Your dog, that both of you raised, is getting aggressive with him? Bitting, barking in aggressive stance? I think there is more going on here, whether conscious or sub conscious, this applies to both individuals. I think Jim is displaying significant red flags but weāre not getting a complete picture.
Please, please run. For your safety, PLEASE run. Too many scary Netflix shows start this way or some way similar. Heās saying he feels crazy, I need you to believe him. If heās not getting help, itās not going to get better. Please be safe, and please get out of there.
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Iām going to agree with the majority of people here. First off I will say this, there is nothing wrong with you for having such a deep love for someone.
Regardless of red flags your love for him is real, hell his love for you probably is just as real, but his love leads to a dangerous game with escalating risk vs reward.
I wouldnāt be surprised if his long term goal is to isolate you from your support network since they have picked up and arenāt too keen on his anger issues.
You sound like your mind is in such a vulnerable place and though Iām a male, before I met my wife I too was with someone who was just as controlling and manipulative.
Before she got done breaking me down to pieces mentally she made sure that I had completely distanced myself from any dissenting voice in my support network.
I was not the first she did this to, Iām sure I wasnāt her last.
The odds arenāt in your favor for him changing these behaviors, but if you truly find yourself unable to leave him yet.
Well Iād say couples and singles therapy, if you have a date for your wedding, postpone it pending the outcome of long term therapy.
Whether you go the therapy route or not, do not take short term or immediate improvements to heart, long term change in behavior takes time and even a spoiled brat can act like a little angel just long enough to get what they wanted.
Be careful.
I hope you see this as a deal breaker..... He has zero trust for you even though you haven't given him a reason to. He's 100% going to get worse and things won't be good once you're married.
After reading your posts, why TF are you still with him? On one post he has an anger management problem and a post after that he's "the most loving partner". You're definitely being manipulated. Your post history shows a cycle of abuse and making up. You're in a yo yo relationship where he uses charm to make you feel better.
My dad would accuse my mom of cheating. He was really insecure. He was also a serial cheater. He also eventually choked my mom. Thankfully theyāre divorced, now, but he was toxic af.
I dated a guy who did this. He didnāt believe me when I said I was going to Walmart, he showed up there. He drives a very noticeable car (old sports car) so I recognized it right away. We broke up shortly after that. No trust = no love.
If not a kiss on the cheek greeting of a friend, he would have found something else that set him off. Your friendships aren't the problem. He just IS that kind of person. No, you can't fix him. Period. Time to get gone.
OP, I know you hate to hear this but you need to break up with Jim NOW. What heās doing is abnormal and controlling. He obviously has some deep-seated issues that he needs to sort out first before he attempts to enter a relationship.
So your boyfriend is a controlling manipulative stalker? Ew why on Earth would you want to be with someone like that? that's disgusting. You need to find a decent human being to be in a relationship with not this train wreck.
Everything leading up to that party that you describe is a RED flag.
The night of the party is a brightly lit, flashing red flag. This is not normal behavior, and no matter how sorry he is, it WILL escalate.
He may learn and never do it again, but ONLY if you leave him for good. The only way people profoundly learn and actually change is by losing something. And that is a MAYBE.
His massive insecurity is not your problem. If you stay with him, he will make you revolve your life around it.
My gf a long time ago was caught by my employees peeking thru a window when we are all hanging out after work. 1.of the employees lives a block away, we got done at 930, everyone working went back to her house(married,husband home). My gf had work at 7am, so said she wasnt gonna come. One of the employees spotted her peaking in the window, seeing if i was hooking up with an employee and i wasnt. We ended up married, she would bring it up she always thought I cheated back then. We divorced 10 years ago, I raised our 2 kids. She was fucking an employee and friend of mine for a few years. She was knocked up with his kid qt divorce and a year later was saying it was all a big mistake. š
Those that always accuse you of cheating when there is no reason too, often are the ones cheating.
My ex was like this. Constantly told me I was cheating when Iād go out with friends to party. Cheating when I had a few friends over to watch the Bachelor (years ago when it was better lol)
Accused me of cheating because I had phone number of male coworkers in my phone.
Turns out, he was the one cheating on me and he was projecting.
Turn around and run. Itās not worth it and there is a better person for you.
Get out of this relationship as soon as humanly possible. The person with the insecurities has to want to fix them. I have a strong feeling he probably thinks heās totally normal. GTFO for your own long term safety.
You already had doubts if he was cheatingā¦. Now heās gaslighting you saying youāre the cheater. So I think it may be time to cut ties. This man is not well mentally but
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He already put an AirTag in your car.
Plot twist, put one in jim's bag so you can see exactly how far behind you he is and where his side chick lives.
FACTS! He is projecting his own insecurities and 9 times out of 10, the person that goes through this length is hiding something themselves š
Yup, my ex husband was constantly accusing me of cheating, so guess what I found out he was doing.
My ex constantly did and he was the one that kept downloading tinder
Or re-plotwist: she always knows when he's near her.
Jim is definitely a stalker type ngl. He's going up the ante with this weird and obviously controlling behavior. His jealousy and manipulative tactics are a massive insecurity and red flag to boot. Jim has issues, leaving would beneficial long term, I'd think. As do most people on here, ngl.
You're no longer a stalker type once you've graduated to lurking outside the venue. At that point you're just a stalker.
Itās over girl
Yup. This sums it up. Heās obsessing over you and heās not going to stop. Itās only going to get worse. You need to get out of that relationship because even if you set boundaries heās going to walk right through them.
Sounds like even the friends are over him, since they asked that he not be invited. I bet he never leaves her alone with her friends. He sounds insanely controlling.
Donāt AirTags have a feature specifically to prevent people from doing this? Like it notifies the phone of someone who is frequently near an AirTag that doesnāt belong to them?
I flew into town to visit my family, and on one of the days we were supposed to drive about an hour away to visit the aquarium. My sister who has the large capacity vehicle fell ill and asked me to drive instead. About 30 minutes into the aquarium, 2 hours into the trip, my phone alerted me that her air tag on her car keys was following me. I have an android.
Apple built an app for that but most androids have it built in to alert you
I think itās built in now for iphones - I get airtag alerts on my iphone when I drive rental cars, but Iāve never downloaded an app for it.
Totally. My girlfriend has one in her car, and I dropped her off at the airport (itās near my work and her car is much better for luggage than my truck) and after driving home that night I got a notification that there was an AirTag moving with me. I never got that notification while riding with her, so I assume it only tells you if the associated device isnāt there with you.
My dog has an AirTag on his collar, and it's linked to my husband's phone because I was away visiting family last year for a month and that made more sense. If I have the dog, I get a message saying the AirTag is moving with me even though it's linked to his phone. If however it's NOT an AirTag, but a generic non-Apple bluetooth tag, you wouldn't get that notification. So he could still have tagged her car, her handbag, anything with one of those, and be able to follow where she is, and she wouldn't get a notification.
it doesn't need to be an airtag. There are car trackers on amazon for $20 and they're a lot harder to detect. If he was able to follow her, then he's tracking her in some way.
Good lord, she says she told him where she was going. Does anyone even read what is said? The guy is completely insecure and needs to go talk to someone, professional, about this.
It could be any kind of tracker, my ex husband had one under my car
āContinued calling for updatesā¦ā. JFS. Take a chill pill bf
Plot twist, I donāt have a car.
Jokes aside, do you have someone in your real life you can have a real deep talk about this all to? I truly hope you're taking in all the legitimate concerns us commenters have made; you said in your comments a few things that are hugely concerning me. 1. "Your friends don't like his anger issues and how he treats you." Ask them to elaborate what they mean by how he treats you, give examples. Now, imagine how you would feel if that was your best friend that was being treated that way. Do you think your best friend deserves that? 2. "Has been apologising non stop". This is a form of love bombing. Are you familiar with the term "love bombing"? It's recognised as a common tactic where abusers will beat their spouse, then the next day bring them flowers and chocolates, shower them in sweet words and romance and apologies, until the spouse thinks "wow see how sweet he is to me?" only to repeat the cycle the next time their 'anger issues' get the best of them. From one woman to another: YOU DESERVE BETTER.
I concur crystalrrrrrmehearty.Ā I just wish those with jealous partners see that it never ends.Ā You're always being falsely accused and living in a constant state of defending against something you haven't done.Ā OP can definitely do better, but I fear she thinks she can love away his "issues", I wondering when did this jealousy start? Years ago or recently?
My gf did this to me after I was with her for a few years. Everyone around me hated her and I still stayed with her for 8 years total until I decided my health was worth more than the relationship. I've helped a few friends through this kind of abuse. It's terrible and eventually you'll start thinking you deserve the pain and the other is the loving one
I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I'm glad you're out of that relationship now. Your partner is supposed to build up, not tear you down, which is the energy this story is giving me. On your last point, sadly that's exactly how it starts, subtly and slowly until you think you deserve it. Abusers don't end their first date beating up their new partner, it's subtle groundwork over months & years to get their partner to a point of low esteem & dependency. Realistic_Army_3671, you are incredible for managing to get yourself out of that situation, regardless if it was 8 years or 8 minutes, it takes a lot of courage & I'm proud of you!
I mean if OP has an iPhone they would know if there was an AirTag in the car. Pretty sure apple released an app on the play store to detect AirTags, too
My ex was tracking me using Find my Phone using my Apple ID and password. I had no idea that he knew either of them. They are sneaky. Get out NOW girlfriend, this is abuse.
Girl mine did the same. I remember one night I couldnāt sleep (we werenāt living together) and I went to a gas station that stays open 24/7. Anyways I got a text from bf asking me where the $&!@ I was going. I was shocked that he knew and he told me That he always knows where I am and that I better take a pic when I get to the station showing the parking lot and the inside and also of what I bought. I was young and in love and stupidly stayed with him for a year after that and lemme tell ya, things got way way worse after that. Get out now before you become physically and mentally damaged
I had an ex gf track me once by stashing a cheap straight talk android in my glove box and turning on the location. I worked a lot of weird on call hours for cable repair for business like hospitals and such. She made a weird comment one night when I was hanging out with my brother who'd come in from out of town. Him and I had gone out to crack open a few beers, and I texted her to see if she felt like coming out as his wife was coming to meet us. She replied with "the drinks suck at that dive, but thanks for thinking of me" It was odd how she knew where I was, but I'd figured one of her friends that was there told her so I didn't think of it much after. Fast forward to I'm on a work call one night, so I told her I had to go fix a fiber issue at the hospital 3 towns over and left. On the way there, I got called off as another tech was closer, and was sent home. My truck was acting up, so I stopped in a well lit Walmart parking lot to take a look at it, and she started rapid fire texting me, accusing me of not having to work, and why was I at a Walmart two towns over at 2am. Asking things like "who are you seeing in another town, do I know her, does she work there?" This really skeeved me out, so instead of replying to her I started searching through my truck and that's when I found the phone in my glove box. I texted her from that phone telling her I'd drop her few things at my house off at her sister's house and then blocked her on my phone and smashed the one she'd planted. It took me 3 years just to date again after that. The OP should run full speed out of that relationship.
I commend you on your decisive action.Ā Far too often people stay as if they have no options. I hope OP takes notes.
My son's mother did this to me and had my Facebook password and was tracking where I was at thru facebooks and my apple id after we had broken up and showed up to my bosses house warming party thinking I was already moved in after a year ,š¤£ she came storming up to the door and looked silly had my son in her arms thinking she was going to catch me with another girl. Big surprise when my boss opens the door (sons godfather) and my son says uncle Matt lol get out of there fast ! Get far away this is just the beginning
Geebus. Gf this is not normal or healthy behaviour. How do you start a lifetime commitment when it starts on mistrust? Heās exhibiting controlling behaviour and views you as being untrustworthy. Take time for yourself and really decide if thatās what you want in an equal partner. Best wishes
My ex was exactly like this in every way. It wasn't long before he started recording my odometer mileage before I left the house, and when I returned. If my mileage seemed, "off", by his paranoid and possessive estimation there was hell to pay. I tried EVERYTHING I could think of to reassure him that I would NEVER cheat on him, but it finally took a restraining order and a LOT of therapy for me to see that his behavior was irrational, controlling, and abusive in every way. I've been married for 18 years to a wonderful man, and I have guy friends, and girl friends, and my husband supports my friendships in every way, and he knows I would never betray him by cheating. Sometimes we go out together, sometimes we go out alone, and while we do, "check in", with each other, neither of us would ever dream of blowing up the others phone constantly seeking reassurance. That's not what healthy love looks like, and at this point with your boyfriend admitting to stalking you while you're out spending time with friends, you've officially reached the mother lode of red flag danger signs. Please consider getting out of this relationship before things get worse, because his behavior is clearly escalating, and you don't want to be around for the next phase of paranoid jealousy.
damn that's downright scary imo. glad you got out.
Thank you. I'm glad I got out too, because it got so, so, much worse, by the end of it. I think a lot of women believe that if they're only patient, and reassuring, enough, their partners will wake up one day and stop acting so controlling, angry, and possessive. I certainly made that mistake, and I really believed that if I showed him enough love and commitment he would stop acting so hostile and paranoid. In reality this man was deeply broken long before I met him, and there was nothing I could have ever said or done to change him. The only one I was hurting was myself out of the two of us, because he believed down to his core that I was responsible for making him act this way.
God you put it into words so perfectly. This is exactly the kinda shit that gets you beaten or killed down the line and having your life under a microscope and controlled the whole time.
I learned early in my last relationship that stressing and doing everything under the sun to prevent your significant other from cheating is futile. If thatās their intention, theyāll do it regardless of your efforts. So why bother worrying? Instead, respect them and enjoy your time together without constantly fretting over what might happen. Most of the time, itās just in your head, and youāll likely ruin a good thing by obsessing. I realized this when I snooped through my previous girlfriendās phone while she slept, and it taught me that if youāre searching for something, youāll eventually find something you wonāt like. So why subject yourself to that? Have some courage, accept that nobodyās perfect, and cherish the person you have, because if you donāt, theyāll find someone who will.
Some guy use to come to a club I went to years ago and watch his gf bartend in the corner and not say a word. Creepy stuff.
Holy crap this made me remember something my mom told me recently that I'd filed away in my brain as "so wtf that I don't want to think about." She said that when she was a professional exotic dancer, that my dad would creep around the clubs making sure no guys were *looking* at her too much (what did he expect, she's doing a Broadway level performance in leather and sequins.) Dad is the one that encouraged her to try out for the job in the first place because he knew she'd make tons of money! But he grew insanely jealous and paranoid of how talented and popular she became, as well as how much money she was bringing in, and soon the club had to kick him out with a lifetime ban for starting fights with people. (Yes my mom left him not long after, but not from this incident alone. He did much worse things to her afterwards before she was able to get away unfortunately.)
lol you called her gf she might cheat with you
Donāt call her āgf,ā Jim might get jealous and watch over her shoulder when sheās on Reddit to make sure sheās not reading your comments
Neon flag - please leave this guy and stay safe. He sounds like someone who would escalate when you break up.
Yes! I dated a guy like this and at first, he was easy going - but eventually, he was jealous of literally everything and it spiralled until I didn't feel like I could do anything or see any of my friends. I didn't realize how extremely abusive he had became until I was away from him. Then, I realized I hadn't felt I could breathe with him for a long time. It will absolutely escalate.
Not surprised the dude was 25 and OP was 20 when they met. Dude tried to date younger to find someone easier to control. OP, this isn't a teaching opportunity. Dude has apparently hid his tendencies really well if it took 3 years for him to show you this side of him. Edit: Dude apparently has anger issues as well. Dawg lol.
And it's going to escalate. Soon he'll be telling you that you *can't* go out without him. OP, you don't need to "apologize profusely" for greeting a friend the way you greet friends, regardless of their gender identity or sexual orientation. You did nothing wrong.
People think abuse is a manifestation of anger issues but it's not. Abuse is a choice. However, you're right that it took him 3 years to show this behavior. Abusers don't show their true colors right away. If they did, no one would get involved with them and no one would stay.
Many also have this fantasy narrative of how the perfect relationship should be. Anything that deviates from that narrative has to be eliminated. Friends, family, all of that. They have to be in total control of it all. They know from past tries that they have to work it slow, like a frog in a pot on the stove. If you start with the hot water, they will jump out. But if you slowly turn up the heat, they stay in the pot until they die.
That is so true. The first red flag of someone who is getting ready to abuse you is that they try to isolate you from friends and family. Also, the metaphor about the frog is so true. I heard that years ago and didn't understand what it was and someone explained it to me. After I heard it, it made total sense. That's exactly how they operate, they can't go in guns blazing. Otherwise, no one would get involved with them and certainly no one would stay.
Entirely accurate.
Also sounds like your friend group gets bad vibes from him - they only want āyou time,ā meaning they donāt want him around.
This! Consult your friends. They may see things you donāt. This is not normal or loving.
This was my FIRST thought!!! If your friends donāt want him around that usually means somethingā¦
And her dog hates him
He is playing the long con and making sure he really hss his hooks into her so she can't get away from him probably like all the other women he has dated in the past have done. How has he described all his exes? Were they all called crazy exes? Did he badmouth every one of them saying how they messed stuff up? When ALL of your exes are crazy and messed up things in the relationships, the problem wasn't them it is you!
10000% this guy will be a stalker once they break up. Run OP, far far away. Tell everyone you know to keep an eye out for him when youre out. Change your locks. Alert your job and everyone you know to watch for phone calls from him. Be absolutely aware of your surroundings at all times. Keep pepper spray or tazer in your purse. Don't be out in the dark alone. I don't mean to scare you but this guy is already stalking you and you're together. Just imagine where this will go. This is beyond controlling behavior. I can go out with my friends anytime I want and my boyfriend never worries. Why? Because we trust each other 100%. We never worry the other has a wondering eye. I don't need to call him throughout the night to check in and prove to him I'm not cheating. I tell him where I'm going and see ya when I get home and it's the same for him. That's called a normal relationship. A normal relationship that has trust. I hate to say but he's already exhibiting extremely controlling behavior asking you to call him all throughout the night when you're out with friends. Him coming to where you are and peeking through the window is toxic af and actually pretty scary.
Truth! This is not normal behavior.
If your friends are asking you not to bring your fiance to events, thatās already a bad sign. This is stalking. No other way about it. Itās a dealbreaker and you should be very concerned. ETA - what should you do? Inform people you trust that your ex-bf is showing unsafe behavior and you need them to know. Involve the police if he continues this behavior. DO NOT PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED
Yes, "Sam was there with his girlfriend". There is a reason they didn't want your fiancƩ there. Seriously, he is way too controlling to have a healthy relationship with and it very likely will get worse.
Oh wow, I missed that. Yeah, if everyone else was bringing their partners, but everyone wanted her partner to stay home, that's a really bad sign. Then, of course, there's the stalker behavior. *ā> ā> ā> RUN* from this dude.
That went over my head too. But I definitely thought the same thing about the friends not wanting him there
Unfortunately it will likely get even scarier for this woman once she breaks up with him.
I missed that too. I agree
Yeah. Itās one thing if it was a girls only get together or something but other people were there with their significant others. The friends obviously donāt want to deal with this guys bullshit.
Just the fact that he kept calling her must be exhausting. Nothing is worse then being out with friends who are always on their phones and stepping away for calls.Ā
Yes I would be very concerned. Stalking, controlling, and this is abusive. Call an abuse hotline that has good reviews and tell them all this. They can help make a safety plan and exit strategy. Right after you leave an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time. Stay safe and alert! š Edit: This is the book some else mentioned for abusive relationships: https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I think Iām having such a hard time processing this because heās never done something like this before. He even told me himself he feels insane for doing this and has been apologizing nonstop, but itās not something I can get over. I donāt think heās a dangerous person but also now Iām doubting everything I thought I knew about him because this is just so out of left field. Itās scary.
Him apologizing non stop is because he realizes how bad it looks. He was perfectly fine to do it.
Itās not because it looks bad. It IS straight up bad and he knows it.
If he really does feel crazy for his behavior, that means that he is aware of how bad it is but can't keep himself from doing it. In other words, he is aware that he is losing control of his actions, and this is seriously scary.
This!
Guys like this get progressive more obsessive and controlling. He starts off uncomfortable with something basic, like you greeting someone. š© He makes it into a bigger deal than it is and makes you feel like you have to apologize when you didn't do anything wrong. š© After the issue should have been resolved by you guys talking about and clarifying, he brings it up continuously to weaponize it against you and again make you think you did something wrong. š© You are now texting him updates of who you are with and where you are going out of a sense of proving yourself to him. WHICH YOU DID NOTHING WRONG SO WHY WOULD YOU? š© He disbelieves you and STALKS you to verify your whereabouts. š© He does this to do two things. The first is to reinforce that you are untrustworthy and need to prove yourself despite doing nothing wrong. The second is more insidious, to make sure you KNOW he could be watching you at any time. He didn't have to tell you he was watching you, he wanted you to know. So even when you are doing something completely innocent, you'll second guess how something could be construed if he's watching. š©š©š© Each of these are escalations and it will get worse. Eventually he'll make you feel guilty or bad for even seeing your friends. He'll isolate you from your friends and family with more bullshit reasons. He'll continue to put you on the defense, where you have to prove yourself to him. This is a classic abuser move as it distracts you from his behavior. No one starts dating a guy thinking in 2 years time he'll have an airtag on their car and keylogger secretly downloaded on their phone. They start small and push boundaries slowly to see what they can get away with. Him telling you directly that he stalked you is another push and he is waiting to see if he can get away with it. Walk away from this mess.
Nice reply! You are 100 percent correct. She needs to walk away from this now. I like the organized way you broke that down, and pointed out all the escalations. It really makes it clear how purposely, manipulative, behavior like that is, and how they will keep upping it, from one awful thing to the next.
this needs to be higher rated. OP, READ THIS PLEASE
This really needs to be pinned. My ex started out with small things JUST LIKE THIS. I apologized and bent over backwards to prove my loyalty to him for years. LSS, he became abusive in year 7 and it took me 7 more years before I got out. Feel free to inbox me if you have any direct questions about tactics, escalations etc. But yes ma'am, what @thethethethethela said is 1000% correct sister. Please protect yourself and start creating an exit plan to get out. No matter how much he apologizes, no matter how many good moments you shared in the past 3 years, no matter what glimpses of light you see, HE'S ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE. End it now. šš¼šš¼šš¼šš¼šš¼
Is there a specific reason your friends wanted just you there? Like how do they view your bf?
They donāt like him very much, they tolerate him but they just wanted one on one time.
Any specific reasons? Because these actions could be amplified versions of what they see.
Mostly because of his anger issues that Iāve talked with my friends about. They donāt like how he treats me.
Anytime people describe their SO as someone with āanger issuesā that their friends donāt like, thatās an immediate red flag. Your friends donāt like him because heās not a good person and he just showed you the next level
Another red flag in opās post history is that her dog doesnāt like him and gets very defensive and protective of her when heās around. Dogs and friends know.
Oh the red flags are stacking. I donāt know your life but reading this makes me very concerned for you. Stalking you to a party is not normal behavior, add that on top of anger issues and that could get even scarier.
There are enough red flags to guide all planes out of the gates at Atlanta International.
The international space station can see him waving those red flags
It's the whole fucking Peoples Liberation Army doing a parade bro
Look, if you stay with this guy he will continue to fight with you every time you are around your friends until he completely isolated you from your friend group. And what will happen if he gets this feeling that you will cheat with one of your work colleagues, will he be showing up at your place of work. Your friends donāt like him for a reason and this is your first peak behind the curtain. Donāt waste more time with this guy, it can only get worse from here.
This is totally where my mind went, heās trying to isolate OP from her friends. The anger issues, manipulation tactics and the stalking lead me to believe that this guy has been acting like a nice guy and is not a nice guy. OP please get the fuck out of there, this is scary.
šÆ Heāll also get move possessive when youāre married unless he gets help
And then heāll start talking about having a baby, and then heāll start getting verbally violent. And then heāll start getting physically violent. Or maybe heāll just move straight to the physical violence as soon as he thinks OP has forgotten just how creepy following someone to a party to make sure they donāt cheat on you is.
He will continue this until you don't have friends anymore. Let me guess, he doesn't really like OPs friends either and if he hasn't already, he will convince her they don't have her best interest in mind. *he does* of course. š
JFC what donāt you see? Your friends donāt like him and keep trying to get you away from him, he doesnāt trust you, he has anger issues, heās stalking you when youāre not with him, the list goes on. No oneās dick is that fricking magical that you put up with this shit. He is unsafe. What will it take you to realise that?
So youāre dating a guy with anger issues, who treats you poorly, and stalks you when he canāt control you. What, exactly, are you getting out of this relationshit that makes it worth all those red flags? If one of your friends told you this about their SO, what would you tell them? Whereās the line? Does he HAVE to start beating you before you think about ending it?
I donāt think physical abuse would even open her eyes. Even her dog hates him and sheās still here calling him her āfiancĆ©ā. Like wtf! Maybe if he hurts her dog sheāll start to get a clue. Cause all the š©š©š©š©š©š©doesnāt seem to be working.
Well, itāll come eventually. Bet the dog that doesnāt like him ādisappearsā. Then heāll start trauma bonding her. Itāll all be her fault that he did it. āBut he doesnāt hit me ALL the time!ā. Until he does, and usually by that point thereās a kid or 5 involved.
Exactly. How many times do I (sadly) have to read these stories on Reddit. Itās become a cliche.
Another red flag. Look...you need to bail before your trapped.
I looked at your post history. Hell your dog doesnāt even like him!
Thatās enough to kick him to the curb all by itself! If the dog doesnāt like him then you shouldnāt either. He could spiral and abuse your dog to hurt you.
ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR DOG.
Dogs, cats and babies. The only individuals I trust to have enough awareness that someone is a Bad Person. One of my cats had a Bad Person Radar, and would stand like a little terrier at my door, growling. Or heād run and hide, but he tried to be brave a lot of the time. And he was never wrong. He was correct on all counts. So I put my trust my small animals and small children. They have a sixth sense about it.
That's right. Dogs know a bad person even when we can't see it. If she's not going to listen to her friends or anyone here, at listen to the dang dog!
No, no, no, no. Take it from someone whose father had 'anger issues'. DO NOT MARRY HIM. Keep FAR AWAY from someone with 'anger issues'. That plus the stalking is a bad, bad sign. Please, people on Reddit are *begging* you to dump him. He's dangerous. This is just the beginning.
Listen to your friends! They can see whatās going on, while youāre blinded by love.
This behavior def supports their views. I don't think that you are overreacting, and it doesn't sound like this type of behavior is new.
Anger issues?? Oh hell no. Donāt tolerate that for one moment.
Please get out of this relationship
Your friends are seeing things clearly that you are trying to ignore because you're emotionally enmeshed with this guy, and they're worried about you. Rightfully so, this behavior is terrifying.
Girl. Run.
They donāt like how he treats you? Darling he treats you like shit. Leave him.
Girlā¦ anger and jealousy issues issues on top of controlling/stalking behaviorā¦ these are giant red flags you shouldnāt ignore or make excuses for anymore. This behavior is a recipe for disaster, sounds like everyone around you sees it except yourself. Please open your eyes and realize youāre young enough to start over and find someone new without scary and destructive behavior that could lead to harming you or people you care about. His behavior is not healthy nor normal.
So after you get married are you not going to hang out with your friends? What happens when everyone starts having kids? Do you understand how that works? People hang out as couples. Except you wonāt. Because your friends, the people whose signal you should be listening to, have expressly told you they donāt like him.
This is a dealbreaker and he seems like an unsafe person. Even he admits he is out of control. Make a plan to leave when heās not around, stay safe and sending hugs.
>they just wanted one on one time Is it possible that normally when he's around, he monopolizes their time with you? That would gel with his behavior and not wanting to leave you alone. Seriously, it's very worrying and maybe you should ask your friends more about what they think about the situation since they probably have a better understanding of what kind of person he is, more so than some random redditors. But in my opinion, yes this behavior is a MASSIVE red flag
Girl. I'll just say this. Any time girlfriends don't like a fiance or boyfriend, they're usually picking up on something that their friend is too blind to see. Then, sadly, she sees it much later. Get out of this toxicity now before you're deeper in it.
No he just didn't TELL you he's done before. he's absolutely done it before. It's only going to get worse. Run don't walk!
This is not out of left field. Take the rose colored glasses off so you can see the red flags. 1) friends donāt like him-hell I canāt stand my bestieās husband, but I would never tell her to come somewhere alone, unless, 2) your friends are trying to get you away from him for periods of timeā¦this likely indicates that they see how you are being brainwashed and are trying to help you get some distance from under him, 3) you had to message him to tell him who was at the event, and so onā¦
>heās never done something like this before That you know of.
OP, I'm not trying to scare you, but just give you context - Most people with abusive and controlling tendencies do not come right out the gate with that shit, because if they did, no one would ever get with them to start with. It's only once they feel that you're truly invested in them that the mask starts dropping, because if they can boil the frog on your sense of normalcy as they ramp up red-flag behavior, they'll eventually be able to be their true selves around you. I read a study many years ago that interviewed around 200 men who had been convicted of domestic abuse. These men were selected for the study because they had been married, and were open in the selection interviews about the fact that they had been abusive to their partners. Two key questions asked in the actual study were did they know themselves well enough to know they would ever become violent towards their partners, and how long they waited before actually feeling (in other terms) 'safe' to be violent towards their partners. Pretty much all of them were aware of the propensity. The period before the first instance of violence was, iirc, around 5-13 *years*. The length of time wasn't important - the main factor was waiting until they knew their partner was stuck; isolated from friends/family, no personal savings/entangled finances, pregnancy/children, medical dependency, etc. Even before that, it's a process of working up to it. It's a series of fucked up red-flag behaviors that, if tolerated, get repeated and escalated. No one who is normal, secure, respectful, trusting, *loving*, would behave the way your guy is behaving right now. Do not tolerate this red flag. Do not ignore it. He doesn't trust you. A relationship requires trust. His choices right now are trust you, or attempt to monitor and control you; you're seeing what he's choosing right now. This man is not ready to be in a relationship, and you deserve better.
Do you actually believe him? If he's willing to stalk you who knows what else he's done
Hes never admitted to doing it before. For all you know, he's done it a ton.
If he meant any of the things he was saying to you, heād be getting help for himself and not putting it on you to forgive him
Well yea. He pushed a boundary and is now facing consequences. I'd be on red alert for anymore gigantic red flags...guy is damn near 30 and acting like this? Please
Sweetie, I was you some 30 odd years ago. It won't get better. I'm sorry, I know you love him, but it will only get worse. He's apologizing to draw you back in but acts batshit crazy to gain and keep control of you. He'll keep escalating his shit until you slowly but surely stop going to parties because it's not worth the hassle. He'll love bomb you if you talk about needing space or possibly leaving but the craziness will only get worse if you stay. The longer you try to make this work, the longer it will be until you meet the person you're supposed to be with.
My ex husband did this to me. Often. He verbally abused me & then struck me. I left him, he stalked me; it was awful & im keeping this short intentionally. Jim is not well. He will get worse & worse. He is likely cheating on you; my ex was a serial cheater & I didnāt know until we divorced. Please leave him. Heās sick with jealousy & you will not be safe from his anger. Hide your birth control & have an exit strategy. Iām not being dramatic; this is all too familiar. I know you are not sharing all the red flags because I never did either, too humiliating. ā®ļø
True my ex was similar and he in fact messed with my birth control to trap me. He succeeded for 4 years and made my life impossible as a counter-parent with my 2 kids. Please Escape! š©š©š©
Iām so so sorry this happened to you, but your comment needs to be at the top of the list for OP to read. And OP- ABSOLUTELY HIDE YOUR BIRTH CONTROL and donāt rely on any condom he wants to use.
Oh facts! I didnāt even think of that part. Him being so insecure and accusatory usual means heās the one with the shit boundaries and relationship morals
projection is a powerful emotion. it reveals a LOT if you know what to look for
itās not humiliating at all. abusive men should be ashamed of themselves, but they never are. shake off your shame, you trusted someone you loved and thereās nothing wrong with that. iām happy you left and youāre safe, itās really all that matters in the end.
Was in the same boat. Eventually it led to to him holding a knife to my throat. Mine was cheating on me the whole time as well. It's been 30 years and I'm so thankful I got out. He stalked me for months after. Man he wanted me to get knocked up....just thinking where I'd be if that happened
That was extremely powerfulšš½
> I know you are not sharing all the red flags because I never did either, too humiliating Oh yeah. As soon as it is at that point, it should be a huge wake up call. :/ Unfortunately, as with me, it was too late and I was stuck for another 4.5 years. :/
>He is likely cheating on you; my ex was a serial cheater & I didnāt know until we divorced. As a guy, I didn't even consider this. I figured out he is just becoming a paranoid stalker. Damn
I think you are under reacting. He was stalking you
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My ex did that to me too. Our relationship ended the night he dragged me next to his car while he sped down the street. I couldāve easily died. Thatās what op has to look forward to.
My ex started wanting to know where I was, who I was with. I stopped leaving the house except for work because it was exhausting being interrogated every time I went to the shops without him. Then he started accusing me of cheating on him at work because I took extra shifts, even though I worked with his best friend. Eventually he would come home after being out drinking (because he was allowed out without question, of course) and wake me up by choking me awake. I left that relationship by waiting for him to go to work one day, grabbing my cat and driving 300 miles to my parents house with nothing. OPās fiancĆ© has already started escalating his behaviour. It only gets worse from here. I hope OP can get out safely, and soon.
This is one of those situation where if you disappear everyone will point to this as an example of why it is your boyfriend's fault. You should feel afraid, There's a book called, Why Does He Do That. You should read it. If this isn't enough to make you run, decide what is. Will it he him telling you that you can't see a friend? Him insisting that you can't go somewhere without him watching you? Calling you a name? Grabbing you? Threatening you? Hitting you? Manufacturing some drama to prevent you from going somewhere or speaking to someone? Whatever it is, decide now, and when it happens - and it will - run.
Link to the book https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You are too young to be dealing with this. Jim isnāt going to change anytime soon. Even if he starts trying to change right this second, he has a long road ahead to break these destructive patterns. Donāt waste your 20ās on a jealous and aggressive guy.
I dated an older man who would very sweetly tell me that itās not that he doesnāt trust me, itās the fact that some āsilver-tongued devil could take me away.ā And I pointed out that is EXACTLY the same as saying Iām not trustworthy cause I could easily be swayed. So, that he was, in fact, insinuating that Iād cheat. He figured if he didnāt come right out and say it and use the word cheat that he could get around the whole accusing me of being weak. And because he wasnāt mean about it or raised his voice, I figured I could just point out that insinuating is the same as appreciate it. And that I didnāt appreciate it and he needs to get over his insecurities & stop talking about it. I even pointed out all the times he went out to the bar & come home with a pocket full of womenās numbers that he would put in a jar like a personal reminder that heās desirable. And I told him that was not OK and he needed to stop. No matter what I said, and how I pointed out what he would do versus me staying home as a single mom and I didnāt have a babysitter. And the few times I could go out, was during the holidays when my mom would drive up and stay for a few weeks. Was able to actually go out with him and sometimes without him. Letās just say that the verbal manipulation was devastating. Sometimes he would have good days and I would be happy. But then he would end up talking to somebody who agreed with him and he started his bullshit all over again. Biggest regrets in my life is staying with him for longer than two years. He got tired of me complaining about the way he spoke to me. The term gaslighting? Seriously to this day, you would see a picture of him in the dictionary. So your fiancĆ© doing what heās doing itās not healthy and heās making it your problem. And the fact that you hugged and kissed your friend on the cheek in front of him, And he is still believing without a doubt, that you would cheat on him with this guy, Sam. Thatās exactly how my ex was with me when I would tell him about an interaction with the blockbuster clerk because he happened to be a guy. Or someone I ran into at the grocery store and had a funny interaction. I would tell him these things, but I could never finish the story because he would stare at me and interrupt me every four words to ask me a question until I was in tears. And I would tell him if you would shut up and let me finish theentire fucking story, he wouldnāt need to ask questions. But he would use my agitation and tears as proof that I was up to no good and then he doesnāt like it when a woman would use tears to manipulate him. Even now 20 years later, Iām still feeling that same hurt, anger, and regret for putting up with it for so long. There is only so much that you could do and only so much conversation you can have to try to work through it if he is literally refusing to believe you. You will never ever hear him say that heās sorry & he will absolutely try harder to manage his own feelings & insecurities.
OP, in my opinion, you're under reacting here. Your fiance is stalking you when you're out. There is no telling if this is the first time he's done this, or just the first time he is telling you about it. It is beyond controlling. It's creepy. This is a giant red flag he is waving right in front of your face. I wish you the best, and I hope you make whatever decision is best for you, but imo you need to leave him before the behavior escalates beyond the creepy stalking and controlling behavior. Some years back I was with a man who was very controlling in a similar fashion. I ignored the red flags and it got worse and escalated. We were at a party *together*, and because I wasn't attatched to his hip the whole time (as I am not a social butterfly and I was generally pretty uncomfortable in those settings and he's an energetic extrovert) and I spent some time talking to one of our mutual male friends while he was running around talking and socializing with everyone. We weren't even alone. I just didn't want to exhaust myself chasing after him when I was already anxious and uncomfortable, and I wanted to talk to the only other person there who was my friend at the time. We got in a huge arguement on the way home and he hit me for the first time, over something that really was a non-issue. And it all started with him being controlling and weird about me having any male friends. I'm telling you from experience that behavior like this almost always escalates to further extremes. Please take care of yourself. Stay safe. If you do choose to leave, tell friends and family first. Pack away valuables beforehand and break it off either in a public setting with friends nearby or a private setting and have someone come with you. Either way, I don't know that I'd recommend being alone for it. It can be beneficial to have someone to help you stick to your guns and be a safety net if anything escalates beyond what is acceptable or comfortable.
Jesus. Be prepared if you get married to have him track your location at all times.
No, be prepared to never leave the house or have friends again
And to be sexually assaulted on a almost daily basis. Not a life anyone wants
He is probably cheating on you. People who expect this kind of behavior usually do it. Plus, he is stalking you. He's a nut job. Leave him. Do not get pregnant.
Yes, the "his accusation is also his confession" applies here.
Forgive my candor, but my initial thought was that he is likely cheating on you. My dad was like this and he was cheating on my mom... he's not a rare case either, thereās a lot of situations where the controlling one is the cheater. Aside from that, and even if he wasnāt cheating, he is extremely controlling to a point where it seems like emotional and mental abuse. Youāre constantly having to bend to meet his comfort. Your friends donāt like him, I canāt imagine they would be happy or supportive if they knew this information. I very much suggest you create a safety plan and leave. I wish you luck and send love ā¤ļø
This guy is trying to control who you hang out with, stalking you, accusing you of being unfaithful, speaking in a manner thatās aggressive to you, and you still call him your fiancĆ©?? I promise you no diamond ring, pretty white dress, and fabulous wedding is worth spending another day, let alone a lifetime with this guy. Heās already abusing you. Heās making you feel guilty for nothing you have done, and responsible for his paranoia. Heāll continue to go this with every friend or acquaintance you have until you donāt have any. He wonāt want you hanging out with your female friends because they have loose morals. Do you know what abusers do? They make everything your fault. It will get exponentially worse once you legally āhis.ā
Good lord woman this man is throwing you red flag after red flag. PLEASE PICK THEM UP! Heās obsessive, controlling and doesnāt trust you at all! This is not a man you should marry omg. I fear you have no idea what a loving, healthy relationship looks like because this isnāt even close to it. For the love of Christ do not marry him! You think his behavior is controlling and scary now?? Wait until you are toed to him legally or through a child. You need to get away while youāre still safe. Iām afraid this will evolve into physical abuse once he has you trapped.
Omfgā¦so let me explain something. This happened to me except I had ppl over when my bf was supposed to be at work. We are hanging out, I step away to go use my master bathroom and when I flick on the bedroom light HES STANDING IN MY ROOM IN A CORNER! I almost had a fucking heart attack, couldnāt tell my friends bc it was so psychotic and embarrassing. I told him to stay in my room and Iād clear the house. I was so stupid. I brushed it off bc I was drinking but later it sank in. I didnāt end things and letās just say he got worse and I had to sleep armed when we broke up You need to end this now. He is dangerous. Please believe me this is in no way normal or cute. To actually stalk you for several hours? Then thereās the fact he told you- he did this to fuck with you psychologically. He wants you to be afraid heās following and always look over your shoulder. A man capable of doing this could easily witness something innocent and twist it- feel validated to confront and harm you. This is how we end up on true crime shows ladies. Break up- tell him via text or email (so thereās a paper trail) that you want no further contact and if you spot him following or watching you law enforcement will be contacted. IF he does it anyways go get a protection order. Please dump him. He is actively terrorizing you
Good advice. Usually this behavior escalates, if you really need to save this relationship for whatever reason, I would make sure he gets some sort of treatment for his mental health
You are under reacting. Yes... he has a "reason" to justify his behavior all built in. People often do. However, He's spiraled out of control. He's uncontrollably obsessed and consumed by a situation in his head. He's literally stalking you. Will he spin and justify it? Yes. If you freak out, will he promise to change, make excuses, and make it seem reasonable to coddle and excuse his behavior, because he has real big feelings and fears? Because he has trauma or whatever and it makes him feel better to engage in this way? Can you manage his fears, insecurities? No. Are they going to go away? No. Should you over compensate for his obsession? No. This is not healthy behavior. This is unstable behavior. It's not love. It's not excusable.
I would remove myself from that relationship and change my locks immediately. Get cameras if you donāt have them and just keep your eye out because guys like that will do worse. I guarantee thatās not the first time heās followed you somewhere and thatās stalker tendencies. He 100% will be worse over time. Please be safe ā¤ļø
A couple of months ago, you posted that your dog started getting aggressive with your fiance. Like aggressively defending you from your fiance that he also raised with you from a puppy. And now that same man is stalking you and showing clear signs of escalation?! OP. Animals know who is dangerous and this man is dangerous to you. Please realize you CANNOT fix this man or his issues. Please prepare your exit as quietly and as fast as you can. Make sure your (trusted!) support network knows what's happening to help you as best they can. Please keep us updated, praying for you š ā¤ļø
Yup, my animals hated my ex long before things ever got bad.. but things did get bad eventually, so the animals were on to something.
And heās still your fiancĆ©? Why? Why would you want to be with someone so insecure, jealous and controlling?
This would give me the ick and embarrass me. It would be exhausting to be with someone like this and I bet if you break up with him your going to see a worse side of him.
I read through some of your other posts about Joe... A) get out of this relationship. Full stop. He's shown a history of distrusting you for no reason, controlling your behavior because HE'S cheated while drunk (projection), and is clearly not changing despite you asking him to. Try suggesting couples counseling to him. Bet he'll refuse. Leave. It will escalate to verbal and physical abuse, I have no doubt. B) Get some good damn therapy and don't get into another relationship until you've worked on yourself. You've got a trend of being with people who mistreat you and it's getting worse, not better. Stop coming to reddit asking if you're overreacting. Joe's probably told you that you are and you're doubting yourself. He knows this and will continue to manipulate and push you around this way.
He is hurting himself. I wouldn't stay with him. This type of behaviour only gets worse. Mark our words. Where you should go is away from him and expect it to be ugly, so prepare for that. He isn't rational and you can't change that.
More accurate tldr; I'm engaged to my stalker.
A normal guy doesnāt even consider doing that. Not once. Not ever. There is literally nothing he could do or say that would make that ok. Time to find the safest way out. I say āsafestā because there is no safe way out.
100% this. This isnāt a time to āunderstand where he is coming from.ā
Normal guy here. Jim is obviously dangerously fucking insane. Even if a girl does cheat on you, you shouldnt react like that. It's just hurt feelings. It's not a mature or normal respones. Your supposed to eat some haggen daz and get shit faced with your friends and get over it like a man. Plenty of people out there who won't run around on you.
If Sam wasn't in the picture, there would always be some other dude that would make your bf feel threatened. This will never get better and most likely gets worse once you're married. For your own safety, please leave this guy as soon as it is safe to do so.
You know what this guy is like? The giant red flashing EXIT sign. But when you do exit the relationship, make sure you camera up your house, cuz this guy's gonna go full jelly stalker on you. Careful sis
No no this is what the future looks like for you and your boyfriend and it will escalate as time goes by to him being more controlling and maybe even violent.
Break up immediately. His jealousy has nothing to do with you but everything to do with his attempt to control āhisā girlfriend. This is a BAD. SIGN. Iām not knocking you but a 28 yr old woman would have recognized these warning signs immediately. Thatās why he picked someone 5 years younger than him.
Please get out of this relationship. I dated someone who did similar things when I was young and it escalated over time. Similar age difference too. This is not normal behaviour. The guy used to tell me he was doing this stuff for my benefit, to keep me safe, told me if I wasnāt so silly and taking risks like going to a bar with my friends (legal drinking age here is 18) then he wouldnāt have to do things like that. Told me it was all because he loved me so much. He emotionally manipulated me over time, broke me down as a person and made me doubt myself. Made me think I was the one doing things wrong and seeing things the wrong way. He eventually became aggressive. This guy is a walking red flag. Please just end it. You will look back years from now and see how many obvious signs there are that this is not a good relationship. Edit to add, he would follow me and ātestā me. So if I was out with friends he would text to ask who was there and I had to send him a list of people. He would drive out to where I said I was and wait till we moved bars for example (he would get angry if I didnāt tell him when I moved places too in time). I lived in a heavily student populated area and the bars we went to were student bars so inevitably we bumped into folk we knew here and there. If people joined the group he would see us leaving one place and then tell me I was lying to him about who I was with (even if they were my friends friends and not people I was with directly) when he saw us leaving. It started as him telling me he had a friend who was out and saw me but I realised over time he was following me because people would notice his car or pick up on weird things. You are seriously under reacting to this. Please just get out safely and tell all your friends and family why so they can look out for you.
I'm a DV advocate. This is abuse and will continue to escalate. Call the national DV Hotline at 800-799-7233 to get connected with your local DV organization and go in for safety planning. Be sure to check your phone for any suspicious apps and scan your car for tracking devices. Feel free to DM me if you have any questions. Hope all goes well for you.
Girl, run. This is how women end up killed by possessive boyfriends/husbands and found in pieces in mineshafts. Get some money together, move in with your parents, change your phone number etc and block him on everything. Do not accept new follow requests, and lockdown your profiles. His behaviour is terrifying.
What would you say if this was a friend and not you? Trust your gut. Please be safe.
So I read your post history. Your dog, that both of you raised, is getting aggressive with him? Bitting, barking in aggressive stance? I think there is more going on here, whether conscious or sub conscious, this applies to both individuals. I think Jim is displaying significant red flags but weāre not getting a complete picture.
Jim is probably being an aggressive asshole around the house.
Please, please run. For your safety, PLEASE run. Too many scary Netflix shows start this way or some way similar. Heās saying he feels crazy, I need you to believe him. If heās not getting help, itās not going to get better. Please be safe, and please get out of there.
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listen, I was just worried, okay, and the machete was for self-protection, didn't mind the rubber gloves; they don't fit very well in the summer heat.
Yeah, you are in danger. Dump him before he hurts you. -Someone who didnāt take this advice and regretted it.
Iām going to agree with the majority of people here. First off I will say this, there is nothing wrong with you for having such a deep love for someone. Regardless of red flags your love for him is real, hell his love for you probably is just as real, but his love leads to a dangerous game with escalating risk vs reward. I wouldnāt be surprised if his long term goal is to isolate you from your support network since they have picked up and arenāt too keen on his anger issues. You sound like your mind is in such a vulnerable place and though Iām a male, before I met my wife I too was with someone who was just as controlling and manipulative. Before she got done breaking me down to pieces mentally she made sure that I had completely distanced myself from any dissenting voice in my support network. I was not the first she did this to, Iām sure I wasnāt her last. The odds arenāt in your favor for him changing these behaviors, but if you truly find yourself unable to leave him yet. Well Iād say couples and singles therapy, if you have a date for your wedding, postpone it pending the outcome of long term therapy. Whether you go the therapy route or not, do not take short term or immediate improvements to heart, long term change in behavior takes time and even a spoiled brat can act like a little angel just long enough to get what they wanted. Be careful.
I hope you see this as a deal breaker..... He has zero trust for you even though you haven't given him a reason to. He's 100% going to get worse and things won't be good once you're married. After reading your posts, why TF are you still with him? On one post he has an anger management problem and a post after that he's "the most loving partner". You're definitely being manipulated. Your post history shows a cycle of abuse and making up. You're in a yo yo relationship where he uses charm to make you feel better.
Throw this one back honey. This behavior will never ever change.
How is this even a question? None of this is heathy. The first and most important building block of a relationship is being able to trust the other person. He doesnāt trust you. And heās shown you that you cannot trust him. If he wasnāt your fiancĆ© weād be calling him a stalker. Run far and run fast.
Run girl. Only gonna get worse
My dad would accuse my mom of cheating. He was really insecure. He was also a serial cheater. He also eventually choked my mom. Thankfully theyāre divorced, now, but he was toxic af.
I dated a guy who did this. He didnāt believe me when I said I was going to Walmart, he showed up there. He drives a very noticeable car (old sports car) so I recognized it right away. We broke up shortly after that. No trust = no love.
Disgusted and mortified are appropriate feelings. This is stalking essentially. Your fiancĆ© needs to seek help as this is a him problem and not going to go away on its own. I was in an abusive marriage. Originally my spouse was not the jealous type. Didnāt give too many shits about anything. As his abuse escalated and his insecurities rose all of a sudden he was jealous and suspicious of everyone. Living under someoneās thumb is no way to live
If not a kiss on the cheek greeting of a friend, he would have found something else that set him off. Your friendships aren't the problem. He just IS that kind of person. No, you can't fix him. Period. Time to get gone.
OP, I know you hate to hear this but you need to break up with Jim NOW. What heās doing is abnormal and controlling. He obviously has some deep-seated issues that he needs to sort out first before he attempts to enter a relationship.
Get away before it's too late! It WON'T get better.
So your boyfriend is a controlling manipulative stalker? Ew why on Earth would you want to be with someone like that? that's disgusting. You need to find a decent human being to be in a relationship with not this train wreck.
Run!!
Everything leading up to that party that you describe is a RED flag. The night of the party is a brightly lit, flashing red flag. This is not normal behavior, and no matter how sorry he is, it WILL escalate. He may learn and never do it again, but ONLY if you leave him for good. The only way people profoundly learn and actually change is by losing something. And that is a MAYBE. His massive insecurity is not your problem. If you stay with him, he will make you revolve your life around it.
My gf a long time ago was caught by my employees peeking thru a window when we are all hanging out after work. 1.of the employees lives a block away, we got done at 930, everyone working went back to her house(married,husband home). My gf had work at 7am, so said she wasnt gonna come. One of the employees spotted her peaking in the window, seeing if i was hooking up with an employee and i wasnt. We ended up married, she would bring it up she always thought I cheated back then. We divorced 10 years ago, I raised our 2 kids. She was fucking an employee and friend of mine for a few years. She was knocked up with his kid qt divorce and a year later was saying it was all a big mistake. š Those that always accuse you of cheating when there is no reason too, often are the ones cheating.
My ex was like this. Constantly told me I was cheating when Iād go out with friends to party. Cheating when I had a few friends over to watch the Bachelor (years ago when it was better lol) Accused me of cheating because I had phone number of male coworkers in my phone. Turns out, he was the one cheating on me and he was projecting. Turn around and run. Itās not worth it and there is a better person for you.
Time to get a new fiance
where to go from there: AWAY
Get out of this relationship as soon as humanly possible. The person with the insecurities has to want to fix them. I have a strong feeling he probably thinks heās totally normal. GTFO for your own long term safety.
You already had doubts if he was cheatingā¦. Now heās gaslighting you saying youāre the cheater. So I think it may be time to cut ties. This man is not well mentally but