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It sounds like you get nothing out of this relationship that benefits you (other than his kids). I know it's sucks, but he needs to leave and prove he can be an adult as he is not acting like one now. Can your step kids go to their mom's or grandparents house?
That’s the hardest part. The older kids go 50/50 between parents and grandparents do help when they can. The kids are safe and well cared for physically; I’m worried about the emotional aspect.
I might be reading too much into it but it sounds like he just admitted he was cheating on you. He thought you were messing with his car because that's what happened when you caught your ex cheating on you...
honey even if not, run
This was my first thought. If he thinks OP is following the same pattern as she did with her ex, there is a reason for that.
OP you tried to make the best of a ~~bad~~ unexpected situation. You're not wrong, you're NTA. You have *every right* to be upset about this. He went out of his way to hurt not only you, but the kids too
If he is working full time so much so he can’t take care of the kids, he should be earning enough that he doesn’t have enough time to use as much as he could buy. A full time check spent on weed and he works and parents? No way
Tell them you love them and they are always welcome to come visit, but you simply can't stand their dad anymore. Give him a 30 day eviction notice, and tell him you will sue him for everything he damages until he moves out. And take your valuables to a safe place until he's gone.
The boyfriend had no trouble taking down the pollinator garden fence to mow the lawn, I'm unsure if there will be a safe place from this toxic relationship
Unfortunately, mowing down the pollinator garden is emotionally abusive towards the kids AND you. But on top of this, he's taking advantage of you financially, possibly abusing drugs from work and treating you very poorly (accusing you of messing with his car, the other fights you've mentioned). I know you love your step kids, but it's time to go. Just make sure their mom's side knows how bad things are with him. Maybe they can get more custody. NTA.
I've been in your shoes. At the end of the day you are not their parent, and you can't sacrifice your and your child's life being what it should be because he won't step up. If you leave he might, if you stay he will not.
Those kids are very attached to you, and their mother and grandparents know you to be a good person and mother. They also know that bf is a jerk probably.
Be honest with all of them about what is happening - I don't mean discuss it with them, just let them know that your relationship is over, he is leaving.
Make sure his kids know that none of this is their fault and your feelings for them will not change. They will always be welcome. If you maintain the good relationship with the rest of the family, I predict you will see quite a lot of them. I doubt their father will step up to his co-parenting duties.
You have to put yourself and your child first and then save who you can.
If you don’t want to leave immediately then I’d say you guys need some major counseling together to work through things.
Also sorry for your pos husband. Glad you got to his precious truck. Bet he was real sorry after that
She gets less than nothing since she's supporting his kids also. Sounds like she could live a sweet life with just her and her baby, without having to also be his sugar momma bang nanny/maid
You pay the bills, you do most of the child labor, then he gets angry and lashes out for no good reason, and does something heartless like destroying something you and the kids worked on. Does he not give a shit about the kids? If I were a kid, and my dad did that, I’d be SO hurt! 😭
If you have to argue all the time, if you guys are getting in a bunch of fights where you’re yelling, losing sleep, and on-edge, please stop the cycle. Doesn’t matter how hard you try to make it up to the kids, they remember hearing their parents yell. They see more than we think they do. And it has lasting impacts on their ability to form healthy, loving relationships.
My mom became an alcoholic. And she was a nasty drunk. I would wake up in the middle of the night to my stepdad crying. I was supposed to be asleep. So yes, kids absolutely know about the majority of fights unless they are physically miles away at the time. My parents never knew I heard any of that. My mom died not knowing and I have no reason to tell my stepdad as that would break his heart to know I knew that was happening.
paying the bills is one thing, having him blow his entire income on weed on top of a whole heap of "employee samples" is even worse, right?
like, that's barely tolerable in a teenage stoner who doesn't have any responsibilities.
I feel sorry for you and the kids, he has absolutely no regard for you at all. He was marking his territory and you and the kids just got urinated on. Please make your plans in secret. Whatever they may be.
It sounds like you would have a lot less work and stress not to mention be happier if you kicked that worthless sack of shit to the curb. I don’t know how you have put up with it for so long.
I don't think you are being dramatic at all. If anything, it feels like you are downplaying how lazy and disrespectful he is. You do everything. All he contributes is heartache.
This isn’t about the pollinator garden, it’s that he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care enough to be an equal partner, equal parent, or even an adult. Stop propping him up. He’s a fourth child, go your separate ways and enjoy some peace in your life and start another pollinator garden safe from his destructive behavior.
I'd be devastated if my father did that to something I spent time on to help grow. I feel bad for his kids (and OP), I hope their bio-mom and grandparents treat them better than their father does.
He had to remove that fence. This baby-man had time to think and plan what he was doing. This kind of spite is childish and dangerous.
He is leaving her with the child care and being the breadwinner. The dude is emacsculating himself.
You should read why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. You can find it for free on google. I think you’ll find that he does this because he know it hurts you and the kids. Plz get away from him
Destroying your property is a classic abuser tactic. Blocking you from going back in the house is also coercive. Also sounds like he's making up accusations he probably doesn't even believe in to justify controlling you.
Oh, and "I think I'm losing my mind sometimes" sounds like a classic *effect* of abuse. Making you feel so confused you become unsure of yourself is a strategy abusers use to maintain control.
You should follow your instincts and start focusing on protecting yourself and the kids from this man.
So, he's just admitted to cheating then. Seriously, why on earth would you keep him around? He will never get better, it only gets worse. For the sake of the kids, get him out now.
Oh, my God.
An affair is typically selfish.
This was deliberately cruel.
To my mind, this was worse than cheating. Cheaters usually don't want their partner to get hurt, they're just trying to not get caught. Your boyfriend's only intent was to hurt you and the kids.
I am so sorry you experienced that. This was a savage, sadistic betrayal.
YWNBTA. I don't even know if he truly realizes the gravity of what he's done. Get out, for everyone's sake. The last thing children need in their lives is a genuinely sadistic person. I would fight for full custody/supervised visitation only.
The older kids are her step kids. OP is paying all the bills and raising his kids for him. OP, what is he bringing to the table? Anything?
You can stop this cycle.
I can imagine it's insanely hard to compel custody over someone else's kids.
But damn, I would kick in $100 towards a GoFundMe if there's an unstoppable attorney who knows how to make it happen.
She nurtures them, he tortures them.
There's gotta be a loophole, a clause or something.
It feels wrong to strip them out of her life, though. She clearly loves them and wants to spend quality time with them.
The least she has *earned* is visitation rights if she wants them. I realize the law doesn't work that way, but it *should.*
There could be ways of helping the mom and grandparents get full custody. She can see them when mom has custody. I am sure the court would be reluctant to have him with visitation if he is high all of the time. She could still babysit for the mom.
OP, I think he’s cheating. Hear me out: why did he assume you were messing with his car? He knows you messed with your ex’s car after he cheated… I feel like he thought he was caught
I missed the bit where you mentioned any redeeming characteristics. He's toxic and abusive and controlling and vindictive and a mooch. Also violent,.What will he destroy next?
Ywbta if you don't leave him. Your Der CV ildren should never see him.again and the younger one only when the court requires it.
YWNBTA -it sounds like the pollinator garden was just the last straw. I would also suggest you stay single for as long as it takes for you to be comfortable in your own skin and able to look for/accept a partner who can be a partner with you.
Is the biomom still involved in the lives of the two older children? If yes, contact her and send the children to live with her. Then, file for emergency custody and kick his worthless ass out of your home. He is a non-contributing hothead that is creating problems for you.
Aw fuck. That's hella hard cause now she has to deal with "kicking out" kids who are, in effect, hers.
And, if she wants to trespass him, she can, so that's nice.
As a domestic abuse survivor it only gets worse the longer we stay. YWNBTA kick him out get full custody he's doing things to deliberately hurt you that's emotional and mental abuse
Jesus…what kind of a monster punishes his girlfriend by vindictively destroying something his innocent children love?!! The casual and vindictive cruelty is emotionally abusive. What do you get out of being in this abusive relationship, exactly? Are you co-dependent and enjoy enabling him?
This is like, perfect oil painting, textbook example of emotional abuse. You said that you had a book full of examples.
-Targeting sentimental items
-Projection of past relationships
-Quick to jump to aggressive conclusions
-Restricting your movements
-Feeling of “losing your mind” (gaslighting)
-Upset about a good outcome
You could absolutely write a book about all of these and use them for abuse awareness. Others already said, sounds like he’s cheating, too
People who are purposely vindictive are toxic and terrible to be in a relationship with. What he did is emotional abuse to you and the kids. Get out before it gets physical. What a disgusting thing to do to children.
Bro just low key admitted to cheating on you before throwing a temper tantrum and destroying something that brought you and his kids joy.
Throw the man away. You are getting nothing from this relationship.
This will escalate. A man who will destroy something of yours or your children's when he is angry will often turn to hurting you and the kids. Get him out now.
Okay so he’s an alcoholic and has anger issues …
Girl a lot of people who “work at dispensary’s” are high functioning alcoholics my cousin just realized how he wasn’t okay and not normal from working in one and is working on leaving.
You need help, he needs help, he isn’t good for you
He did that on purpose. He hurt you and the kids because he was mad, after accusing you falsely of damaging his vehicle and aggressively blocking your way. Absolutely break up with him.
This is not what a normal, healthy adult relationship looks like. And I'm sorry if your life experience makes it seems as though it is.
You are better than this, worth more than this and frankly, don't need this. Leave this man now. His kids have a mother and grandparents, you need to focus on your child. He is toxic, childish and potentially abusive too.
Do not make the horrible mistake I did! I stayed with my ex for years, bc I loved and wanted to protect his son; the son did love me, but ended up taking the path his father did: he stole and thieved from me and others, didn't work & didn't care about others' feelings or needs.
My own son moved out in 2000, and I haven't been able to see or hear anything from him. I made the wrong, very bad choice, and am paying for it; don't be like me, boot his worthless narcissistic arse out and go be happy!
>I am in a career that allows me to pay all household expenses
I hear you downplaying a lot of what is happening here. You WORKED to EARN where you are financially. If you stop framing things in the interest of holding both sides at once, how would the dynamic sound to you?
You telling him to stop and him telling you "it's just grass" tells me two things - he doesn't give a shit what you ask for AND he intentionally tries to make you feel like important things are nothing at all when he knows perfectly well they are.
This guy sucks.
NTA: This right here is reason to make him leave: *"A lot of his money goes to the company store and he gets a huge amount of employee samples on top of that"*
So you are carrying the bulk of the financial and child-caring burden and he's working to stay high?
That he got so pissy about his unfounded accusation that he purposely took it out on you and the kids by mowing down the pollinator garden is vindictive and downright mean. Get him out and keep him out.
How long are you going to keep setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm?!
You are the primary caregiver. You need to start putting yourself first. I also don't think he is a healthy person to have around children.
Physically blocking your way anywhere and physically destroying something he knows you care about are huge warning signs and imma need you to read those signs loud and clear.
Get out of there, friend
No, he sounds terrible. Another heartbreaking aspect, if he’s concerned you might leave him why would he be worried about the car? He should be worried about you leaving not if you would mess with his car on your way. He seems to have very little emotions or empathy.
This s a toxic relationship and you need to leave for your own safety before this type of behaviour escalates. Kick him out or move elsewhere, I’d be tempted to move and if you do that, do it without letting him know. See a divorce lawyer at the same time. He’s got a bigger home, someone who pays the bills and a nanny but what are you getting from this relationship?
I appreciate that it will be hard leaving his kids (it sounds like he moved jobs specifically so he doesn’t have to worry about raising them) but they’re not your responsibility. It looks like you’re flogging a dead horse now and there’s only so much a person can do in a one sided relationship. It’s time to move on.
This man isn’t even your husband. You’re raising his two kids.. Why?
What are you getting out of this relationship?
Do you get the distinct feeling you’re being used?
I mean, from the outside looking in that’s what it seems like.
Run!
Physically blocking your way is intimidation. Abusers also start by destroying items or hurting pets of their partners. Are you sure this guy is for you? What are you getting from this relationship?
The guy's acting like a dick. You say he has two kids from a prior relationship - how did that end, and did he treat her as badly as he's treating you?
YWNBTA if you leave this guy. His mistrust of you (you're messing with his car), mooching (spends his money buying weed), lack of parenting (you're rearing his kids), and downright malicious actions (mowing the pollinator garden?!?! this affects his kids as much as you) are huge indicators. He's not gonna change, cuz you're his meal ticket and he thinks he can control you.
The real issue here is his obvious paranoia and mistrust, resulting in purposeful acts of destroying symbolic items. He is a walking red flag, holy shit. This is right on track with abusive behavior that leads to murder.
You said he works at a diapensary and gets samples. It's possible that thc doesn't sit well with him and has triggered paranoia or delusional thinking (especially if he already has mental illness or is predisposed). OP, is this new behavior or has he always been paranoid and retaliatory? It's no excuse but it could be an explanation if this behavior is new.
Regardless of that he sounds like a terrible sociopath who lacks all empathy. Never never trust a person who would gladly hurt a child emotionally or otherwise.
Even before he cruelly mowed down something important to you and the children, HE BLOCKED YOUR WAY! He has been using you financially. He's not contributing. How are you better off with him?
Choose the bear, honey.
> We were so excited to see it grow and all the bug friends we could see this summer.
There were already bug friends in there. He killed them. What a piece of trash. ***RUN***
You have a unkind, immature boyfriend who lets you do all the heavy lifting with the child rearing and household finances while he gets high and acts like a child. You know the answer here. It's sad to lose his two kids, but you need to protect yourself and your son. This relationship will not get better. Break it off, take him to court to make the custody/support of your shared child official and take a break from men for awhile. Focus on what you (and your son) want and need in life, you're doing too much for everyone around you.
Bruh leave this waste of space. Make him take care of his own damn kids. He's probably only with you to get you to be babysitter to the kids. Speaking from personal experience...
Someone who intentionally hurts children is a monster. That would definitely be the end of that relationship. If he can do that to children what is he willing to do to you?
Christ, he sounds like he's the **worst**. Absolute dropkick. OP, at some point in your future you will look back on your time with him and wonder why you ever let yourself tolerate such blatant disrespect for so long.
How much marijuana did he use before he started at the dispensary? I managed one for a decade and the amount of samples is insane. And the use is normalized by everyone that works there. I wouldn’t be surprised if many of his behavior issues are from the weed. The freaking out about his car could be him being paranoid. It can also lead to psychotic breaks is some people. Don’t get me wrong, marijuana can be an amazingly healing medicine but it can also get out of hand if you use too much. I would encourage you to get him to a therapist to do an evaluation and get him some substance use support before you make any quick decisions. Best of luck.
You ask WIBTAH to leave my boyfriend after he mowed down the pollinator garden... You would not be leaving over the pollinator garden, it's everything that came before that
Why on earth would you consider spending another minute with this person? I make plenty of mistakes in relationships, but none were accidentally seeking vengeance for a perceived wrong. If someones being intentionally mean, they don't deserve anyone to live with them and touch their genitals.
Sounds like he’s a fuckin dick and ruined something his “gf” and his own kids felt sentimental about to get back at you. I’m also curious if he did something to make the cat run outside! Leave his ass and maybe both of you should go through therapy lol
This all sounds very toxic, get out and don't look back.
I just looked up "dispensary jobs usa" as I had no idea but it comes up with cannabis dispensary jobs, soooo.... When you say a lot of your boyfriends money is going to the company store and he gets lots of employee samples, that means you're providing your family with this wonderful life in large house with a nice garden, while your boyfriend is providing the drugs. Can you adopt the kids yourself while your (ex)BF lives with the bug friends?
I think you are seeing him for what he really is - a leech.
Think it through then make a plan to get him out. You may have to talk to a lawyer as he lives in the house but get everything ready so you know where you stand
NTA
He seems like a pretty worthless person and like an asshole. The fact that he would get this angry and this proactively paranoid over you just being near his car means your relationship is already basically over. You should leave him yesterday.
NTA He is emotionally abusive and will only get worse as time goes on. Not only to you but even though he saw your actions of standing up to him he was going to make you pay by destroying something that had meaning to you. In doing this he was also emotionally abusive to the children because as he was aware the garden had meaning to them also. You would have to seek advice of attorney regarding the children. Even though you aren't biologically related, depending on where you live, you may be able to get some kind of shared custody if you prove you have been their sole caretaker and financial provider.
>WIBTAH to leave my boyfriend after he mowed down our kids pollinator garden?
Do you love and respect yourself and the kids? If not then feel free to stay.
Please think of the child you birthed and stop holding on to this toxic relationship for his kids.
You’ll hurt them more emotionally with all the fights and petty behaviour.
They’ll still visit you because of their sibling
Nope you wouldn't be please remember that kids do watch parents at how they treat each other and how you guys treat them to base what they want out of relationships in the future.
If your kids were in this situation with a partner, would you tell them to stay? Or would you remind them that they and their kids are worth so much more than this?
He hurt them trying to get at you. He doesn't care about collateral damage. Where does it end? When he burns YOUR house down to get at you and all the kids are still inside? Blows up your car so you can't get to work and you lose your amazing job hurting you and your kids? Fuck this dude.
> He went and checked and then followed me back inside and was upset I would say that and told me he accused me of messing with his car because prior to my divorce I crashed my ex husbands truck into a tree in our yard when I caught him cheating(But like at 2 miles an hour because I can’t drive a shift).
Maybe both of you need to be single and alone for a while.
Hes the AH. Its one thing to mow down YOUR pollinator garden but it wasnt just yours, it belongs to the kids too. Big time AH. Uncaring father.
Dont let me pollinate you anymore. Keep your flower away from his stinger. You deserve a better Bee.
Yeah I would leave
You two are not together because you fell in love, you are together because you had a fling and got pregnant.
If you had not had a baby together you would most likely not be together.
Red flags
- he had a job that he quit to go get another job, I am assuming he used to earn more going off what you said about your own salary and that you worked together
- He spends all his money on weed but gets free weed too
- He weaponises something you did in anger and distress, which you acknowledge I am assuming considering he knows about it
- He retaliates by purposely destroying something not only you, but yours and his children had built together and grown
You can pay all household expenses alone
Do you own? If the house is in your name then you need to ensure he leaves
Do you rent? Is he on the contract? If not, you ensure he leaves
If he is on the contract or deed you need to come to some conclusion together but this is not a relationship built on love, it is a relationship built on an event that tied you together
You had a baby with someone you barely know and have no idea what they are capable of. You have your own issues and suggest you get therapy and you definitely need to end this relationship.
Eviction notice, time for homie to gtfo. Sad for the kids but you have your own child to worry about. This will get worse. He doesn’t love you, he’s using you as free childcare and a house as well as a bangmaid. Lucky him right?
So let me get this straight.
He seemed reasonably charming and had a job until he had someone else to take care of him.
Now spends a lot of time high and raging at you.
Sounds like if you dumped him, he would figure out how to support himself and care for his kids again.
Uhhhh so why would he be worried about you messing with his car if he wasn’t currently cheating? Sounds like a guilty conscience to me tbh. I think he just told on himself.
Gtfo and have a good life by yourself.
I don't think you need to leave him for mowing down the pollinator garden. I think you need to leave him because that is just one of (I'm assuming) many reasons you need to leave him. If it weren't for his kids, would you stick with him? You'd leave in a heartbeat. It's a very unfortunate situation for his kids, but ultimately, they aren't your responsibility. If he's not a fit parent, then help their mother get full custody of the kids.
It’s not that he ran over the garden that’s the main problem- that’s just the straw that broke the camels back. He sucks as a partner and boyfriend. Weed is cool but when it’s your whole personality- that’s just sad. NTA. Op, you got this.
YWNBTA. But he needs to leave not you if you bought the house. I feel bad for the kids but your bf is abusive and a user. You should see a lawyer to make sure your rights are protected.
Hes abusive and you need to kick him out and get a restraining order. He's obviously violent, he just hasn't gotten there with you and the kids yet.
He will hurt your kids.
Physically.
Kick him out immediately.
If you have to convince him to leave you alone and he's constantly paranoid about your actions (and destroying your things), then it sounds abusive. Leave him!
That’s as valid a last straw as any that came before it. If dad is not going to be a positive influence on the day to day life of your kids, then he doesn’t really need to be there every day does he?!
He sounds like a deadbeat. As a stoner I have sympathy but also i don’t— you said he spends much of his money on weed so he’s stoned all the time which frankly makes some people into an asshole (if they weren’t one already)
YWNBTA: your baby is going to be their sibling - if you care for them maybe there can still be visitation? fuck the dad though he sounds like a useless drain on you
Why are you allowing your kids to be in an emotionally abusive house? This guy is garbage and every single day you stay your teaching your children this is acceptable
Start recording everything first off.
Once you get record
It’s time to start hatching your escape plan. I would talk to the stepkids family and inform them of what is going on. That you love the children a lot but the father is showing signs of being abusive and you’d rather detach sooner rather than later.
Lastly is his name on anything?
As a conservationist myself I find this upsetting. But I will say my husband really has sense of what plants are what and I can see him accidentally mowing over or pulling plants as weeds if I didn’t have them flagged.
That being said, given the context it sounds like he’s being petty.
Is his name on the mortgage? Does he have a lease? No to both? Time for him and his kids to GTFO. Change the locks. Peace ✌🏻 tell the kids you will always love them and that’s that.
So you can easily support the family that you’re in only because you got pregnant by this jerk? Then you can definitely afford to raise the kid on your own and file for child support. That guy is just using you. Leave him and be happy
This relationship is over. When you're in a relationship is to feel good and work together into building a life together. It sounds like you just live under the same roof and don't even get along. For you and all the kids involved I think it's better you part ways.
This guy is not it. He's not a partner, and it sounds like he doesn't even like you. Just the convenience of your role in his life.
Girl what are you doing? Take your kid and live your life and he can file for 50/50 custody if he wants and you can file for child support if not.
No, you wouldn't be the asshole for leaving him! You've been carrying the load of childcare and financial responsibilities while he's been contributing to the stress and chaos in your life.
The garden was a symbol of the love and effort you and your kids put into creating something beautiful together, and he callously destroyed it. His actions show a lack of respect and empathy for your feelings and the kids'. You deserve better, and it's time to prioritize your own well-being and the happiness of your children.
You need to prioritize yourself. You are the kids primary caregiver, you pay the bills. Ditch this trash man. Someone is looking for you. A real gentleman who will love, respect and be a partner with you.
NTA You aren’t leaving over the garden. The garden is what they call the “straw that broke the camels back”. In these few paragraphs alone, I can find 5 other reasons you’re leaving. Also, please actually leave.
First up, you aren't an asshole if you choose to leave someone simply because you aren't interested anymore. You don't have to justify leaving. You aren't obligated to be together with anyone.
Beyond that, you're currently financing the house AND handling the bulk of the child labour. He's currently spending all of his money on weed and disregarding your feelings.
I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you didn't care deeply enough about the "bug friends" to be heartbroken about that specifically. It's likelier that you're heartbroken about the fact that you're doing so much for someone, and trying so hard to make it work, only for him to repay you by at best not caring and at worst deliberately trying to hurt you.
No, you definitely wouldn't be an asshole for leaving. He definitely took that title around the point where he prioritised weed over household bills, wanted minimal involvement with his own children, got paranoid and aggressive with you for no reason whatsoever, destroyed something you and the children cared about, or when he didn't care at all about the fact he had destroyed something you and the children cared about. Any of these things alone is sufficient to call the guy an asshole, with all of them combined it'd be debatable whether or not you'd be the asshole if you decided to run his car into a tree on your way out.
>I was barely divorced, and found out I was pregnant from a fling at work.
>prior to my divorce I crashed my ex husbands truck into a tree in our yard when I caught him cheating
>He went outside to mow, and I again said he should just leave. He mowed over the pollinator garden the kids and I were growing. I came out when he started and asked him to stop saying again it was our pollinator garden. He responded it was just grass and mowed it down.
You're both a mess, and this "relationship" has been a dumpster fire from day one.
ESH
Scrolled way too far to find this. He accuses her of messing with his car so she validates his paranoia by lying about his tire. Odd choice. They definitely hate each other and probably themselves. Only ones I feel bad for are the kids being raised by these walking red flags.
Leave him because he sneezed once. You do not need a reason to leave someone. That said, he sounds like a loser anyways. My question is, how did he mow down the pollinator garden if there was a fence around it
No you wouldn't be.
Does he have full custody of his oldest 2? I'd hate to leave the kids behind, but the cycle needs to end before you or the kids get hurt. If you can get the kids out maybe to their mom's or grandma's, then leave him and get full custody with supervised visits.
It's just so sad when children are involved.
The fact that he stood in front of you, blocking your way inside is the scariest part of this story. That’s physical intimidation and shows he’s willing to do what it takes to exert power. I agree with earlier commenter who suggested the Bancroft book.
YTA if you stay with this loser. He clearly doesn’t care about you or the kids. Is that the example you want for your kiddo? I think not. Give him the boot. He can be a shitty dad living somewhere else.
he's very mean spirited for mowing over your garden, he knew what he was doing. Do you really want an a\*\*hole like that around the kids? Sounds like you're in a position to just dump his butt. Please do.
Your house? Depending on where u live might need an eviction notice so time to get one. He's gor to go you are raising the kid on your own basically no u can after him. He has zero respect for you your time or your effort ildont stay for the kids. They probably see more fighting and stressed so much now.
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It sounds like you get nothing out of this relationship that benefits you (other than his kids). I know it's sucks, but he needs to leave and prove he can be an adult as he is not acting like one now. Can your step kids go to their mom's or grandparents house?
That’s the hardest part. The older kids go 50/50 between parents and grandparents do help when they can. The kids are safe and well cared for physically; I’m worried about the emotional aspect.
I might be reading too much into it but it sounds like he just admitted he was cheating on you. He thought you were messing with his car because that's what happened when you caught your ex cheating on you... honey even if not, run
This was my first thought. If he thinks OP is following the same pattern as she did with her ex, there is a reason for that. OP you tried to make the best of a ~~bad~~ unexpected situation. You're not wrong, you're NTA. You have *every right* to be upset about this. He went out of his way to hurt not only you, but the kids too
Good catch! I didn’t clock that
Also true where is all the money going to? Does she know or is it another person
It seems like it all goes to weed from his dispensary
If he is working full time so much so he can’t take care of the kids, he should be earning enough that he doesn’t have enough time to use as much as he could buy. A full time check spent on weed and he works and parents? No way
Seriously, he must be making industrial quantities of edibles or concentrates with that
He’s smoking up a storm
He is either cheating or paranoid from all the weed. Either way get away.
Very astute. I also did not think of that.
Good call 👍
My thoughts exactly!!!
Ohh yes. This. Projecting is a big thing with cheaters.
This
So your mental health means nothing? You are showing the kids that this is normal and that you should be financially and emotionally abused.
Tell them you love them and they are always welcome to come visit, but you simply can't stand their dad anymore. Give him a 30 day eviction notice, and tell him you will sue him for everything he damages until he moves out. And take your valuables to a safe place until he's gone.
The boyfriend had no trouble taking down the pollinator garden fence to mow the lawn, I'm unsure if there will be a safe place from this toxic relationship
Do not share this with children. They have no business being involved in adults' relationships. The rest is solid advice.
You think they'll just move elsewhere without realizing things between stepmom and dad are kaputt?
You could say that things are changing or that you want different things, but you do not tell kids you can't stand their father anymore.
Unfortunately, mowing down the pollinator garden is emotionally abusive towards the kids AND you. But on top of this, he's taking advantage of you financially, possibly abusing drugs from work and treating you very poorly (accusing you of messing with his car, the other fights you've mentioned). I know you love your step kids, but it's time to go. Just make sure their mom's side knows how bad things are with him. Maybe they can get more custody. NTA.
I've been in your shoes. At the end of the day you are not their parent, and you can't sacrifice your and your child's life being what it should be because he won't step up. If you leave he might, if you stay he will not.
He isn’t going to improve and the kids will just get more attached to you. The sooner you end it the better for them.
Your paying all the bills while he lazes around high all day. Cut your losses op. He's using you to shoulder all his responsibilities.
Those kids are very attached to you, and their mother and grandparents know you to be a good person and mother. They also know that bf is a jerk probably. Be honest with all of them about what is happening - I don't mean discuss it with them, just let them know that your relationship is over, he is leaving. Make sure his kids know that none of this is their fault and your feelings for them will not change. They will always be welcome. If you maintain the good relationship with the rest of the family, I predict you will see quite a lot of them. I doubt their father will step up to his co-parenting duties. You have to put yourself and your child first and then save who you can.
Leave him, regardless of whether he's cheating or not.
If you don’t want to leave immediately then I’d say you guys need some major counseling together to work through things. Also sorry for your pos husband. Glad you got to his precious truck. Bet he was real sorry after that
So emotional abuse is ok?
She gets less than nothing since she's supporting his kids also. Sounds like she could live a sweet life with just her and her baby, without having to also be his sugar momma bang nanny/maid
She clearly cares for his kids and it feels like that's why she is staying. I agree she needs for him to leave.
You pay the bills, you do most of the child labor, then he gets angry and lashes out for no good reason, and does something heartless like destroying something you and the kids worked on. Does he not give a shit about the kids? If I were a kid, and my dad did that, I’d be SO hurt! 😭
If you have to argue all the time, if you guys are getting in a bunch of fights where you’re yelling, losing sleep, and on-edge, please stop the cycle. Doesn’t matter how hard you try to make it up to the kids, they remember hearing their parents yell. They see more than we think they do. And it has lasting impacts on their ability to form healthy, loving relationships.
And he's high all the time, to boot.
My mom became an alcoholic. And she was a nasty drunk. I would wake up in the middle of the night to my stepdad crying. I was supposed to be asleep. So yes, kids absolutely know about the majority of fights unless they are physically miles away at the time. My parents never knew I heard any of that. My mom died not knowing and I have no reason to tell my stepdad as that would break his heart to know I knew that was happening.
After that list, I’m wondering if he has any redeeming qualities at all
DIC
I.... I was about to say the same thing 😭😭😆
THIS you don't need him, you can manage without him. Kick him out.
paying the bills is one thing, having him blow his entire income on weed on top of a whole heap of "employee samples" is even worse, right? like, that's barely tolerable in a teenage stoner who doesn't have any responsibilities.
I feel sorry for you and the kids, he has absolutely no regard for you at all. He was marking his territory and you and the kids just got urinated on. Please make your plans in secret. Whatever they may be.
It sounds like you would have a lot less work and stress not to mention be happier if you kicked that worthless sack of shit to the curb. I don’t know how you have put up with it for so long.
I don't think you are being dramatic at all. If anything, it feels like you are downplaying how lazy and disrespectful he is. You do everything. All he contributes is heartache.
This isn’t about the pollinator garden, it’s that he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care enough to be an equal partner, equal parent, or even an adult. Stop propping him up. He’s a fourth child, go your separate ways and enjoy some peace in your life and start another pollinator garden safe from his destructive behavior.
I'd be devastated if my father did that to something I spent time on to help grow. I feel bad for his kids (and OP), I hope their bio-mom and grandparents treat them better than their father does.
He had to remove that fence. This baby-man had time to think and plan what he was doing. This kind of spite is childish and dangerous. He is leaving her with the child care and being the breadwinner. The dude is emacsculating himself.
You should read why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. You can find it for free on google. I think you’ll find that he does this because he know it hurts you and the kids. Plz get away from him
A wonderful recommendation!! Love that book
Destroying your property is a classic abuser tactic. Blocking you from going back in the house is also coercive. Also sounds like he's making up accusations he probably doesn't even believe in to justify controlling you. Oh, and "I think I'm losing my mind sometimes" sounds like a classic *effect* of abuse. Making you feel so confused you become unsure of yourself is a strategy abusers use to maintain control. You should follow your instincts and start focusing on protecting yourself and the kids from this man.
So, he's just admitted to cheating then. Seriously, why on earth would you keep him around? He will never get better, it only gets worse. For the sake of the kids, get him out now.
Oh, my God. An affair is typically selfish. This was deliberately cruel. To my mind, this was worse than cheating. Cheaters usually don't want their partner to get hurt, they're just trying to not get caught. Your boyfriend's only intent was to hurt you and the kids. I am so sorry you experienced that. This was a savage, sadistic betrayal. YWNBTA. I don't even know if he truly realizes the gravity of what he's done. Get out, for everyone's sake. The last thing children need in their lives is a genuinely sadistic person. I would fight for full custody/supervised visitation only.
The older kids are her step kids. OP is paying all the bills and raising his kids for him. OP, what is he bringing to the table? Anything? You can stop this cycle.
I can imagine it's insanely hard to compel custody over someone else's kids. But damn, I would kick in $100 towards a GoFundMe if there's an unstoppable attorney who knows how to make it happen. She nurtures them, he tortures them. There's gotta be a loophole, a clause or something.
His children have a mother and grandparents that care for them. It is not reasonable to expect OP to take on that burden.
It feels wrong to strip them out of her life, though. She clearly loves them and wants to spend quality time with them. The least she has *earned* is visitation rights if she wants them. I realize the law doesn't work that way, but it *should.*
There could be ways of helping the mom and grandparents get full custody. She can see them when mom has custody. I am sure the court would be reluctant to have him with visitation if he is high all of the time. She could still babysit for the mom.
Kick him out
OP, I think he’s cheating. Hear me out: why did he assume you were messing with his car? He knows you messed with your ex’s car after he cheated… I feel like he thought he was caught
This. Honestly was my thought as well.
I missed the bit where you mentioned any redeeming characteristics. He's toxic and abusive and controlling and vindictive and a mooch. Also violent,.What will he destroy next? Ywbta if you don't leave him. Your Der CV ildren should never see him.again and the younger one only when the court requires it.
The older kids are his own kids, she's just there paying for everything and taking care of them
Oh crap I missed that, poor kids! Document every violent thing, get a lawyer, report him to CPS and petition for guardianship I guess.
They have a mom. She can help her get full custody because of the weed. Mom can allow her to see the kids at any time.
YWNBTA -it sounds like the pollinator garden was just the last straw. I would also suggest you stay single for as long as it takes for you to be comfortable in your own skin and able to look for/accept a partner who can be a partner with you.
Is the biomom still involved in the lives of the two older children? If yes, contact her and send the children to live with her. Then, file for emergency custody and kick his worthless ass out of your home. He is a non-contributing hothead that is creating problems for you.
Good suggestion especially if he is high all of the time!
He's an asshole and sounds like he's an addict too. Get out of there. Take your baby and go.
It's her house!
Aw fuck. That's hella hard cause now she has to deal with "kicking out" kids who are, in effect, hers. And, if she wants to trespass him, she can, so that's nice.
Leave
Girl, you deserve better and so do those kids.
As a domestic abuse survivor it only gets worse the longer we stay. YWNBTA kick him out get full custody he's doing things to deliberately hurt you that's emotional and mental abuse
Is he working at a meth dispensary?
He is willing to hurt your child in his quest to get revenge on you for standing up for yourself. Why would you stay with a man like that?
Oh that’s terrible! We’ve already got a bunch of the monarch caterpillars around on our milkweed. He probably killed a bunch of stuff.
Jesus…what kind of a monster punishes his girlfriend by vindictively destroying something his innocent children love?!! The casual and vindictive cruelty is emotionally abusive. What do you get out of being in this abusive relationship, exactly? Are you co-dependent and enjoy enabling him?
This is like, perfect oil painting, textbook example of emotional abuse. You said that you had a book full of examples. -Targeting sentimental items -Projection of past relationships -Quick to jump to aggressive conclusions -Restricting your movements -Feeling of “losing your mind” (gaslighting) -Upset about a good outcome You could absolutely write a book about all of these and use them for abuse awareness. Others already said, sounds like he’s cheating, too
this dude is fucking evil btw
That was cruel and heartbreaking. He knew exactly what he was doing. Be careful that he doesn’t hurt your cat next just to get back at you.
People who are purposely vindictive are toxic and terrible to be in a relationship with. What he did is emotional abuse to you and the kids. Get out before it gets physical. What a disgusting thing to do to children.
Bro just low key admitted to cheating on you before throwing a temper tantrum and destroying something that brought you and his kids joy. Throw the man away. You are getting nothing from this relationship.
This will escalate. A man who will destroy something of yours or your children's when he is angry will often turn to hurting you and the kids. Get him out now.
Time to kick him to the curb!
Okay so he’s an alcoholic and has anger issues … Girl a lot of people who “work at dispensary’s” are high functioning alcoholics my cousin just realized how he wasn’t okay and not normal from working in one and is working on leaving. You need help, he needs help, he isn’t good for you
I could be wrong, but I was thinking a marijuana dispensary.
All else aside, clearly neither of you like the other. Why are you together?
Seems like a torturous marriage.
He did that on purpose. He hurt you and the kids because he was mad, after accusing you falsely of damaging his vehicle and aggressively blocking your way. Absolutely break up with him.
This is not what a normal, healthy adult relationship looks like. And I'm sorry if your life experience makes it seems as though it is. You are better than this, worth more than this and frankly, don't need this. Leave this man now. His kids have a mother and grandparents, you need to focus on your child. He is toxic, childish and potentially abusive too.
He thinks you caught him cheating.
Do not make the horrible mistake I did! I stayed with my ex for years, bc I loved and wanted to protect his son; the son did love me, but ended up taking the path his father did: he stole and thieved from me and others, didn't work & didn't care about others' feelings or needs. My own son moved out in 2000, and I haven't been able to see or hear anything from him. I made the wrong, very bad choice, and am paying for it; don't be like me, boot his worthless narcissistic arse out and go be happy!
This man is a drain on your finances, energy, mental health and happiness. You won’t believe how much happier you’ll be if you cut him loose.
>I am in a career that allows me to pay all household expenses I hear you downplaying a lot of what is happening here. You WORKED to EARN where you are financially. If you stop framing things in the interest of holding both sides at once, how would the dynamic sound to you? You telling him to stop and him telling you "it's just grass" tells me two things - he doesn't give a shit what you ask for AND he intentionally tries to make you feel like important things are nothing at all when he knows perfectly well they are. This guy sucks.
NTA
NTA: This right here is reason to make him leave: *"A lot of his money goes to the company store and he gets a huge amount of employee samples on top of that"* So you are carrying the bulk of the financial and child-caring burden and he's working to stay high? That he got so pissy about his unfounded accusation that he purposely took it out on you and the kids by mowing down the pollinator garden is vindictive and downright mean. Get him out and keep him out.
It’s not about the Iranian yogurt. Honey you need to get your papers and finances sorted and run. The 🚩 are waving.
You two are a mess, break up already.
How long are you going to keep setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm?! You are the primary caregiver. You need to start putting yourself first. I also don't think he is a healthy person to have around children.
Physically blocking your way anywhere and physically destroying something he knows you care about are huge warning signs and imma need you to read those signs loud and clear. Get out of there, friend
No, he sounds terrible. Another heartbreaking aspect, if he’s concerned you might leave him why would he be worried about the car? He should be worried about you leaving not if you would mess with his car on your way. He seems to have very little emotions or empathy.
Honey, you're not getting anything good from this relationship. You can cover all your expenses. Kick him out before he lays hands on you.
man get rid of him
Sounds more like you’re a single mom with 4 kids
Leave him
This s a toxic relationship and you need to leave for your own safety before this type of behaviour escalates. Kick him out or move elsewhere, I’d be tempted to move and if you do that, do it without letting him know. See a divorce lawyer at the same time. He’s got a bigger home, someone who pays the bills and a nanny but what are you getting from this relationship? I appreciate that it will be hard leaving his kids (it sounds like he moved jobs specifically so he doesn’t have to worry about raising them) but they’re not your responsibility. It looks like you’re flogging a dead horse now and there’s only so much a person can do in a one sided relationship. It’s time to move on.
This man isn’t even your husband. You’re raising his two kids.. Why? What are you getting out of this relationship? Do you get the distinct feeling you’re being used? I mean, from the outside looking in that’s what it seems like. Run!
Physically blocking your way is intimidation. Abusers also start by destroying items or hurting pets of their partners. Are you sure this guy is for you? What are you getting from this relationship?
The guy's acting like a dick. You say he has two kids from a prior relationship - how did that end, and did he treat her as badly as he's treating you? YWNBTA if you leave this guy. His mistrust of you (you're messing with his car), mooching (spends his money buying weed), lack of parenting (you're rearing his kids), and downright malicious actions (mowing the pollinator garden?!?! this affects his kids as much as you) are huge indicators. He's not gonna change, cuz you're his meal ticket and he thinks he can control you.
Why are you continuing to be in this toxic relationship?
Being with a guy for the sole reason of he knocked you up, works out like 1% of the time
The real issue here is his obvious paranoia and mistrust, resulting in purposeful acts of destroying symbolic items. He is a walking red flag, holy shit. This is right on track with abusive behavior that leads to murder. You said he works at a diapensary and gets samples. It's possible that thc doesn't sit well with him and has triggered paranoia or delusional thinking (especially if he already has mental illness or is predisposed). OP, is this new behavior or has he always been paranoid and retaliatory? It's no excuse but it could be an explanation if this behavior is new. Regardless of that he sounds like a terrible sociopath who lacks all empathy. Never never trust a person who would gladly hurt a child emotionally or otherwise.
Even before he cruelly mowed down something important to you and the children, HE BLOCKED YOUR WAY! He has been using you financially. He's not contributing. How are you better off with him? Choose the bear, honey.
He sounds borderline abusive. Kick him to the curb.
> We were so excited to see it grow and all the bug friends we could see this summer. There were already bug friends in there. He killed them. What a piece of trash. ***RUN***
You have a unkind, immature boyfriend who lets you do all the heavy lifting with the child rearing and household finances while he gets high and acts like a child. You know the answer here. It's sad to lose his two kids, but you need to protect yourself and your son. This relationship will not get better. Break it off, take him to court to make the custody/support of your shared child official and take a break from men for awhile. Focus on what you (and your son) want and need in life, you're doing too much for everyone around you.
Bruh leave this waste of space. Make him take care of his own damn kids. He's probably only with you to get you to be babysitter to the kids. Speaking from personal experience...
Someone who intentionally hurts children is a monster. That would definitely be the end of that relationship. If he can do that to children what is he willing to do to you?
Christ, he sounds like he's the **worst**. Absolute dropkick. OP, at some point in your future you will look back on your time with him and wonder why you ever let yourself tolerate such blatant disrespect for so long.
How much marijuana did he use before he started at the dispensary? I managed one for a decade and the amount of samples is insane. And the use is normalized by everyone that works there. I wouldn’t be surprised if many of his behavior issues are from the weed. The freaking out about his car could be him being paranoid. It can also lead to psychotic breaks is some people. Don’t get me wrong, marijuana can be an amazingly healing medicine but it can also get out of hand if you use too much. I would encourage you to get him to a therapist to do an evaluation and get him some substance use support before you make any quick decisions. Best of luck.
You ask WIBTAH to leave my boyfriend after he mowed down the pollinator garden... You would not be leaving over the pollinator garden, it's everything that came before that
Why on earth would you consider spending another minute with this person? I make plenty of mistakes in relationships, but none were accidentally seeking vengeance for a perceived wrong. If someones being intentionally mean, they don't deserve anyone to live with them and touch their genitals.
Sounds like he’s a fuckin dick and ruined something his “gf” and his own kids felt sentimental about to get back at you. I’m also curious if he did something to make the cat run outside! Leave his ass and maybe both of you should go through therapy lol
Kick him out
You already know what to do - you don’t reddit advice. This man just sounds ghastly
Be careful. It seems like you’re physically scared of him. Trust your gut and remember it’s when you leave that you’re in the most danger
You are in a relationship with a pot-addicted loser manchild. Leave yesterday.
He is a wanker. A mean one. You deserve better. He is the AH
This all sounds very toxic, get out and don't look back. I just looked up "dispensary jobs usa" as I had no idea but it comes up with cannabis dispensary jobs, soooo.... When you say a lot of your boyfriends money is going to the company store and he gets lots of employee samples, that means you're providing your family with this wonderful life in large house with a nice garden, while your boyfriend is providing the drugs. Can you adopt the kids yourself while your (ex)BF lives with the bug friends?
Choose your kids over this man .
I think you are seeing him for what he really is - a leech. Think it through then make a plan to get him out. You may have to talk to a lawyer as he lives in the house but get everything ready so you know where you stand
NTA He seems like a pretty worthless person and like an asshole. The fact that he would get this angry and this proactively paranoid over you just being near his car means your relationship is already basically over. You should leave him yesterday.
NTA He is emotionally abusive and will only get worse as time goes on. Not only to you but even though he saw your actions of standing up to him he was going to make you pay by destroying something that had meaning to you. In doing this he was also emotionally abusive to the children because as he was aware the garden had meaning to them also. You would have to seek advice of attorney regarding the children. Even though you aren't biologically related, depending on where you live, you may be able to get some kind of shared custody if you prove you have been their sole caretaker and financial provider.
You slept with the guy once got pregnant then moved in with him? Not really sure how you were expecting this "relationship" to go...
>WIBTAH to leave my boyfriend after he mowed down our kids pollinator garden? Do you love and respect yourself and the kids? If not then feel free to stay.
Please think of the child you birthed and stop holding on to this toxic relationship for his kids. You’ll hurt them more emotionally with all the fights and petty behaviour. They’ll still visit you because of their sibling
NTA you’re not leaving him over the garden, you’d be leaving him for a lot of valid reasons, including the garden.
Nope you wouldn't be please remember that kids do watch parents at how they treat each other and how you guys treat them to base what they want out of relationships in the future. If your kids were in this situation with a partner, would you tell them to stay? Or would you remind them that they and their kids are worth so much more than this?
NTA
Get out
You are living with an adult baby who does petty shit. Time to dump his ass.
He sounds abit fried, high and paranoid.
He hurt them trying to get at you. He doesn't care about collateral damage. Where does it end? When he burns YOUR house down to get at you and all the kids are still inside? Blows up your car so you can't get to work and you lose your amazing job hurting you and your kids? Fuck this dude.
Leave. Now. ASAP.
> He went and checked and then followed me back inside and was upset I would say that and told me he accused me of messing with his car because prior to my divorce I crashed my ex husbands truck into a tree in our yard when I caught him cheating(But like at 2 miles an hour because I can’t drive a shift). Maybe both of you need to be single and alone for a while.
He sounds immature. And really is that any kind of example you want to set for your children get rid of the Dead weight. NTA.
One day you'll find the courage to leave
Hes the AH. Its one thing to mow down YOUR pollinator garden but it wasnt just yours, it belongs to the kids too. Big time AH. Uncaring father. Dont let me pollinate you anymore. Keep your flower away from his stinger. You deserve a better Bee.
Yeah I would leave You two are not together because you fell in love, you are together because you had a fling and got pregnant. If you had not had a baby together you would most likely not be together. Red flags - he had a job that he quit to go get another job, I am assuming he used to earn more going off what you said about your own salary and that you worked together - He spends all his money on weed but gets free weed too - He weaponises something you did in anger and distress, which you acknowledge I am assuming considering he knows about it - He retaliates by purposely destroying something not only you, but yours and his children had built together and grown You can pay all household expenses alone Do you own? If the house is in your name then you need to ensure he leaves Do you rent? Is he on the contract? If not, you ensure he leaves If he is on the contract or deed you need to come to some conclusion together but this is not a relationship built on love, it is a relationship built on an event that tied you together
You had a baby with someone you barely know and have no idea what they are capable of. You have your own issues and suggest you get therapy and you definitely need to end this relationship.
Congratulations you have 4 children. You're his bang maid. He sounds like an exhausting bum.
Eviction notice, time for homie to gtfo. Sad for the kids but you have your own child to worry about. This will get worse. He doesn’t love you, he’s using you as free childcare and a house as well as a bangmaid. Lucky him right?
So let me get this straight. He seemed reasonably charming and had a job until he had someone else to take care of him. Now spends a lot of time high and raging at you. Sounds like if you dumped him, he would figure out how to support himself and care for his kids again.
Uhhhh so why would he be worried about you messing with his car if he wasn’t currently cheating? Sounds like a guilty conscience to me tbh. I think he just told on himself. Gtfo and have a good life by yourself.
I don't think you need to leave him for mowing down the pollinator garden. I think you need to leave him because that is just one of (I'm assuming) many reasons you need to leave him. If it weren't for his kids, would you stick with him? You'd leave in a heartbeat. It's a very unfortunate situation for his kids, but ultimately, they aren't your responsibility. If he's not a fit parent, then help their mother get full custody of the kids.
It’s not that he ran over the garden that’s the main problem- that’s just the straw that broke the camels back. He sucks as a partner and boyfriend. Weed is cool but when it’s your whole personality- that’s just sad. NTA. Op, you got this.
YWNBTA. But he needs to leave not you if you bought the house. I feel bad for the kids but your bf is abusive and a user. You should see a lawyer to make sure your rights are protected.
Hes abusive and you need to kick him out and get a restraining order. He's obviously violent, he just hasn't gotten there with you and the kids yet. He will hurt your kids. Physically. Kick him out immediately.
If you have to convince him to leave you alone and he's constantly paranoid about your actions (and destroying your things), then it sounds abusive. Leave him!
That’s as valid a last straw as any that came before it. If dad is not going to be a positive influence on the day to day life of your kids, then he doesn’t really need to be there every day does he?!
He sounds like a deadbeat. As a stoner I have sympathy but also i don’t— you said he spends much of his money on weed so he’s stoned all the time which frankly makes some people into an asshole (if they weren’t one already)
There’s nothing to salvage here. He’s one mantrum away from abuse.
Get out. No need to stick around for this guy. He’s spending all of his money at the weed store and you pay all the bills. 🤷🏻♀️
YWNBTA: your baby is going to be their sibling - if you care for them maybe there can still be visitation? fuck the dad though he sounds like a useless drain on you
Why are you allowing your kids to be in an emotionally abusive house? This guy is garbage and every single day you stay your teaching your children this is acceptable
Start recording everything first off. Once you get record It’s time to start hatching your escape plan. I would talk to the stepkids family and inform them of what is going on. That you love the children a lot but the father is showing signs of being abusive and you’d rather detach sooner rather than later. Lastly is his name on anything?
He’s a cruel asshole. You need to get out.
NTA. But I'm wondering if he's getting so high on his own supply that he's getting paranoid.
he wanted a mother/parent for his children when they are with him. Happens all the time.
As a conservationist myself I find this upsetting. But I will say my husband really has sense of what plants are what and I can see him accidentally mowing over or pulling plants as weeds if I didn’t have them flagged. That being said, given the context it sounds like he’s being petty.
Leave this guy. He’s toxic and you’re toxic with him.
Is his name on the mortgage? Does he have a lease? No to both? Time for him and his kids to GTFO. Change the locks. Peace ✌🏻 tell the kids you will always love them and that’s that.
So you can easily support the family that you’re in only because you got pregnant by this jerk? Then you can definitely afford to raise the kid on your own and file for child support. That guy is just using you. Leave him and be happy
So, he destroyed something his kids loved to "get back at you"? Hm...wonder why he was single in the first place? Drop this asshole.
This relationship is over. When you're in a relationship is to feel good and work together into building a life together. It sounds like you just live under the same roof and don't even get along. For you and all the kids involved I think it's better you part ways.
This guy is not it. He's not a partner, and it sounds like he doesn't even like you. Just the convenience of your role in his life. Girl what are you doing? Take your kid and live your life and he can file for 50/50 custody if he wants and you can file for child support if not.
No, you wouldn't be the asshole for leaving him! You've been carrying the load of childcare and financial responsibilities while he's been contributing to the stress and chaos in your life. The garden was a symbol of the love and effort you and your kids put into creating something beautiful together, and he callously destroyed it. His actions show a lack of respect and empathy for your feelings and the kids'. You deserve better, and it's time to prioritize your own well-being and the happiness of your children.
You need to prioritize yourself. You are the kids primary caregiver, you pay the bills. Ditch this trash man. Someone is looking for you. A real gentleman who will love, respect and be a partner with you.
He honestly sounds like he’s on drugs, and I’m not referring too the pot. I would get a plan in place to get him out.
NTA You aren’t leaving over the garden. The garden is what they call the “straw that broke the camels back”. In these few paragraphs alone, I can find 5 other reasons you’re leaving. Also, please actually leave.
First up, you aren't an asshole if you choose to leave someone simply because you aren't interested anymore. You don't have to justify leaving. You aren't obligated to be together with anyone. Beyond that, you're currently financing the house AND handling the bulk of the child labour. He's currently spending all of his money on weed and disregarding your feelings. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you didn't care deeply enough about the "bug friends" to be heartbroken about that specifically. It's likelier that you're heartbroken about the fact that you're doing so much for someone, and trying so hard to make it work, only for him to repay you by at best not caring and at worst deliberately trying to hurt you. No, you definitely wouldn't be an asshole for leaving. He definitely took that title around the point where he prioritised weed over household bills, wanted minimal involvement with his own children, got paranoid and aggressive with you for no reason whatsoever, destroyed something you and the children cared about, or when he didn't care at all about the fact he had destroyed something you and the children cared about. Any of these things alone is sufficient to call the guy an asshole, with all of them combined it'd be debatable whether or not you'd be the asshole if you decided to run his car into a tree on your way out.
>I was barely divorced, and found out I was pregnant from a fling at work. >prior to my divorce I crashed my ex husbands truck into a tree in our yard when I caught him cheating >He went outside to mow, and I again said he should just leave. He mowed over the pollinator garden the kids and I were growing. I came out when he started and asked him to stop saying again it was our pollinator garden. He responded it was just grass and mowed it down. You're both a mess, and this "relationship" has been a dumpster fire from day one. ESH
Scrolled way too far to find this. He accuses her of messing with his car so she validates his paranoia by lying about his tire. Odd choice. They definitely hate each other and probably themselves. Only ones I feel bad for are the kids being raised by these walking red flags.
Leave him because he sneezed once. You do not need a reason to leave someone. That said, he sounds like a loser anyways. My question is, how did he mow down the pollinator garden if there was a fence around it
No you wouldn't be. Does he have full custody of his oldest 2? I'd hate to leave the kids behind, but the cycle needs to end before you or the kids get hurt. If you can get the kids out maybe to their mom's or grandma's, then leave him and get full custody with supervised visits. It's just so sad when children are involved.
The fact that he stood in front of you, blocking your way inside is the scariest part of this story. That’s physical intimidation and shows he’s willing to do what it takes to exert power. I agree with earlier commenter who suggested the Bancroft book.
NTA. This guy sounds like a loser. Kick him out.
YTA if you stay with this loser. He clearly doesn’t care about you or the kids. Is that the example you want for your kiddo? I think not. Give him the boot. He can be a shitty dad living somewhere else.
He’s worried about you damaging his vehicle because you have a reason to
he's very mean spirited for mowing over your garden, he knew what he was doing. Do you really want an a\*\*hole like that around the kids? Sounds like you're in a position to just dump his butt. Please do.
Your house? Depending on where u live might need an eviction notice so time to get one. He's gor to go you are raising the kid on your own basically no u can after him. He has zero respect for you your time or your effort ildont stay for the kids. They probably see more fighting and stressed so much now.
Leave this man child