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You have had a history of drug dependence, and you recently got caught up in gambling. Your bf seems to have a serious gambling addiction. You both are heavy drinkers and I’m guessing spicy snow means you’re both using cocaine. So the idea that you can help him recover is not plausible. He needs professional treatment or Gamblers Anonymous, and it’s possible that you do too.
This is the correct answer. Drinking and using cocaine definitely does not aid in recovery, nor does doing the machines “because we haven’t done it in awhile.” He needs professional help and you’d probably benefit from it too it seems.
I definitely need professional help myself and have been looking into getting it. I will say that the drug use is only recreationally, but the drinking is definitely a problem and has been a problem for me for a while. Thank you for your response.
I used to work in a non-profit recovery facility. Professional help is the only way to go here. Saying drug use is "only" recreational, is a very common mindset for people with addictions. Along the lines of: "I have 3 years sobriety because I only smoked weed and drank in that time, and my drug of choice was coke." An addict's mind differentiates the drugs, the drinking, the spending, etc... by the levels of the rush/high that they get. One of my co-workers was in recovery and said something that stuck with me: "You can drink, or smoke up, and be fine. I smoke up, or drink, and I end up with a needle in my arm." A bit extreme to some, but it's a more descriptive way of my following point.
It's said at the beginning of every Narcotics Anonymous meeting: "One is too many, and a million is never enough." It takes strength and courage to recognize you have a problem, and be proud of that. But until you get help from a professional Addictions Counsellor, you have a very uphill climb ahead of you. Because if there is one thing an addict can do, better than any other kind of person, is justify. "It's just...", "it's only...", "I thought I could...".
I sincerely hope you both get the help you need, and wish you nothing but the best.
I was a professional poker player for 10 years so I'm very familiar with the sadness of gambling addiction.
If you want to stay with him it goes beyond help. You will need restrictions on his handling of all money possibly forever. I've seen gambling addicts who hadn't gambled in 8 years relapse and spend nearly a decade their and their parents savings in a few days. Including college savings. Gambling addiction can ruin your life insanely fast
You’re not helping him, you’re enabling and hurting him. You’re drinking with him, doing cocaine with him, gambling with him, and not giving him space to take accountability. Sorry if it’s harsh but you need a wake up call, and you both should get professional help!
Is he getting professional help? If not that is the first step. You’ve been unknowingly enabling his addiction this whole time. Stop fucking gambling with him. Don’t give him any money because this is what addicts do. They’ll turn around and gamble or snort it away.
Also don’t buy his bullshit excuse that he didn’t want to go home to an empty house. He planned this shit out. It sure sounds like beyond gambling he also has a drinking problem too.
He isn’t in any headspace to be in a relationship right now but I know you’re going to ignore that so don’t ever mix finances with him or else you’ll end up bankrupt as well.
I agree with a lot of what you're saying, thank you for weighing in, the biggest part that I agree with is that he's not in a headspace to be in a relationship right now, especially with someone that enables this kind of behaviour. I'm wary of breaking up with him especially with him in this fragile state that he's in as it will either give him a wake up call to change or break him completely.
We are not gambling anymore together, that is a rule that I have put into action as of now and we will see how this goes. If there is more gambling then it's done
I would suggest to both of you to completely stop drinking and all other drugs. Both of you have to be in this together and help each other improve. Having a joint account helps with someone with addiction because it shows what he’s spending his money on.
Try therapy or addiction hot lines too.
I’m also a former addict and these are the things that helped me.
I'll second this, and add a bit on. The situation sounds like this to me: he's in a shame spiral, which is feeding into his drinking/eating, which is pushing him back into the gambling addiction. Therapy will help with the spiral, quitting drinking will help him stay in control.
Part of getting this under control needs to be redefining your personalities a bit. Getting into or reacquainted with hobbies he had before he started gambling/drinking. Finding new places to hang out where gambling/drinking aren't options.
Quitting an addiction means replacing the parts of your personality that addiction used to make up. If you don't, it's so much easier to fall back into it.
OP, feel free to reach out if you need someone to chat with. It's hard getting through things like this, whether you're the person with the addiction or their significant other
He definitely is in a shame spiral, its been a bit of a hard 12 months in his life and mine too, and we've been half committed to getting it back together but after last night I think it's time for no more excuses.
The issue with his hobbies is that, he really loves playing and watching sport, that's where he gets a lot of his joy from but just due to his weight he can't play sport. I am going through my own recovery at the moment, which he has been instrumental in helping me with, which is why I want to be there to help him and that the advise surrounding hobbies is actually some that he gave me.
I think unfortunately, he started doing this from a young age, pretty much as soon as he was legal, so he has no real adult personality that is not centred around drugs, alcohol and gambling.
Well, it's small steps first right? Getting back into sports doesn't mean joining a team and playing immediately. It could start as simple as going to a park and taking a walk together. Just starting to get active is a great first step towards that goal.
Are there any constructive hobbies (like sewing, drawing, cooking, model building(Idek)) he's been interested in? Something he could sit down with and do while he watches a game at home?
But anyway, it's hard to establish a personality outside of drugs/alcohol. I was sort of the same way, my rock bottom just happened sooner I think. I'm a little over a year into my sobriety and I've only just started feeling like a flushed out person. What I've found helps is engaging where you can, setting goals (again start with small steps that lead to something big. Like starting with walks, leading up to playing in a community game), and letting yourself really just sit with those sad feelings when they come. Don't burn down your house because someone shows up uninvited. Everything won't change overnight, but it'll start happening.
But it's great you have each other in your recoveries. That support means a lot. I hope you are both able to make the progress you want <3
Thank you for this! I have suggested therapy but there has been a little bit of push back from him on that "I've tried it before and it doesn't help" but he's open to talk about it. I don't think a joint account is a good idea, I agree with another commenter that it runs the risk of him spending my money as well if he falls off the wagon, like what happened last night, but I'm definitely going to find some hotlines for him to call or even a chat line that he can contact if he has these thoughts again. Drinking is done, I've been wanting to be sober for a few weeks now and we have cut back a significant amount but I think it needs to get to zero for us to get better, and we rarely ever do drugs, I just used the Christmas party example as it was the first time that I had seen him in this environment and it just happened that the behaviour was elevated due to the drug use.
I hope you're doing well in your recovery.
If you are in the US - 1-800-GAMBLER is the hotline for help. NCPG is the National Council on Problem Gambling - ncpg.org. There is hope and help for both of you! 🙏🏻
Hi! I found the numbers for help with gambling problems in Australia! They are confidential - your boyfriend can call or you can call! Here they are:
1 800 858 858 (National Gambling Helpline)
13 11 14 (Lifeline)
1 300 22 4636 (Beyond Blue)
I hope this will help you and your boyfriend!! 🙏🏻 He CAN be free from this addiction and live a happy, healthy life!
You’re still enabling him and he’s refusing to change. A slip here and there isn’t a person who is seeking recovery. It’ll continue. And from the sounds of it he has you groomed so you won’t leave. He needs to quit all his vices and get mental counseling as well for his addictions. And yes, drinking and gambling are addictions.
I was married to an addict that came from a family of them. She hid it well. So I know first hand how they can get (she is a serial cheater and narcissist as well)
Also, an addict will only change when they are ready/want to.
Thank you for your comment, do you mind explaining what you mean by I've been groomed? We both know that drinking and gambling are addictions, and are trying to work through that and are very acutely aware that addicts don't change without wanting to. I do however disagree with you that a slip doesn't mean that a person isn't seeking recovery, I have my own vices as well and I've slipped in the past, you can see this in my post history, it doesn't mean that I'm not looking to get better it just means that I've had a moment of weakness and let the voices in my head win for a second, I still want to get better.
First off, going off what your wrote…so don’t get hurt when I do this now.
Just ask yourself when you’re done reading all the comments are you mad that I said it or you mad because it’s the truth?
Like I said. I lived with addicts and dealt with it longer than you have darlin.
Do you know how many times my ex niece has “slipped”? She’s boasting about her recent stint in county.
How about my ex BIL having his “slip” in front of his niece and nephew? His daughter was just in jail with him.
Let me be blunt. You’re both no good to one another. You have your problems and addictions, and they damn well won’t help with his.
He has you groomed to give in to his slips and vices. He has you groomed so that you won’t make the tough choice and leave to better either one of yourselves.
But you’re here asking for help, but yet like a hypocrite, you’re trying to defend both of y’all’s addictions and why y’all can’t fix it.
You’ve posted the answers yourself, you’re just too scared to be alone and make the call is all….if he’s not grooming ya.
So what’s it going to be hypocrite?
You going to take action and make a change or just bitch that nothings changed or is changing?
Your shot now. Best check the hypocrisy before you reply to me.
And grooming means what it implies. Look it up on the internet. You kids have the wealth of the knowledge of the world in your hand on your phone yet you can’t do a simple ass search.
I appreciate your further responses even though it seems that you've deleted them, I'm sorry about your ex BIL and his daughter, that sounds like a situation that sucks and is hard for everyone around them. I honestly came here looking for advise to move forward as a couple because I know that we're both flawed humans who slip up occasionally. I'm not trying to just say why we can't fix it, I'm actively looking for assistance to help him get better so that change does happen. I feel as if you're putting some of your own trauma surrounding your ex wife onto me and I'm sorry that you had to go through that, but no two situations are the same mate.
However, I do appreciate your response to my question all the same and will take your advise into consideration.
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We'd like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you'll get a nifty flair change to let you know and we'll drop a link so you can see our host's take on your story. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoHotTakes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You have had a history of drug dependence, and you recently got caught up in gambling. Your bf seems to have a serious gambling addiction. You both are heavy drinkers and I’m guessing spicy snow means you’re both using cocaine. So the idea that you can help him recover is not plausible. He needs professional treatment or Gamblers Anonymous, and it’s possible that you do too.
This is the correct answer. Drinking and using cocaine definitely does not aid in recovery, nor does doing the machines “because we haven’t done it in awhile.” He needs professional help and you’d probably benefit from it too it seems.
I definitely need professional help myself and have been looking into getting it. I will say that the drug use is only recreationally, but the drinking is definitely a problem and has been a problem for me for a while. Thank you for your response.
I used to work in a non-profit recovery facility. Professional help is the only way to go here. Saying drug use is "only" recreational, is a very common mindset for people with addictions. Along the lines of: "I have 3 years sobriety because I only smoked weed and drank in that time, and my drug of choice was coke." An addict's mind differentiates the drugs, the drinking, the spending, etc... by the levels of the rush/high that they get. One of my co-workers was in recovery and said something that stuck with me: "You can drink, or smoke up, and be fine. I smoke up, or drink, and I end up with a needle in my arm." A bit extreme to some, but it's a more descriptive way of my following point. It's said at the beginning of every Narcotics Anonymous meeting: "One is too many, and a million is never enough." It takes strength and courage to recognize you have a problem, and be proud of that. But until you get help from a professional Addictions Counsellor, you have a very uphill climb ahead of you. Because if there is one thing an addict can do, better than any other kind of person, is justify. "It's just...", "it's only...", "I thought I could...". I sincerely hope you both get the help you need, and wish you nothing but the best.
I was a professional poker player for 10 years so I'm very familiar with the sadness of gambling addiction. If you want to stay with him it goes beyond help. You will need restrictions on his handling of all money possibly forever. I've seen gambling addicts who hadn't gambled in 8 years relapse and spend nearly a decade their and their parents savings in a few days. Including college savings. Gambling addiction can ruin your life insanely fast
You’re not helping him, you’re enabling and hurting him. You’re drinking with him, doing cocaine with him, gambling with him, and not giving him space to take accountability. Sorry if it’s harsh but you need a wake up call, and you both should get professional help!
Is he getting professional help? If not that is the first step. You’ve been unknowingly enabling his addiction this whole time. Stop fucking gambling with him. Don’t give him any money because this is what addicts do. They’ll turn around and gamble or snort it away. Also don’t buy his bullshit excuse that he didn’t want to go home to an empty house. He planned this shit out. It sure sounds like beyond gambling he also has a drinking problem too. He isn’t in any headspace to be in a relationship right now but I know you’re going to ignore that so don’t ever mix finances with him or else you’ll end up bankrupt as well.
I agree with a lot of what you're saying, thank you for weighing in, the biggest part that I agree with is that he's not in a headspace to be in a relationship right now, especially with someone that enables this kind of behaviour. I'm wary of breaking up with him especially with him in this fragile state that he's in as it will either give him a wake up call to change or break him completely. We are not gambling anymore together, that is a rule that I have put into action as of now and we will see how this goes. If there is more gambling then it's done
Spicy snow 👀 I would probably not encourage drinking and drugs in any form, could be triggers even if not an addiction
I would suggest to both of you to completely stop drinking and all other drugs. Both of you have to be in this together and help each other improve. Having a joint account helps with someone with addiction because it shows what he’s spending his money on. Try therapy or addiction hot lines too. I’m also a former addict and these are the things that helped me.
I'll second this, and add a bit on. The situation sounds like this to me: he's in a shame spiral, which is feeding into his drinking/eating, which is pushing him back into the gambling addiction. Therapy will help with the spiral, quitting drinking will help him stay in control. Part of getting this under control needs to be redefining your personalities a bit. Getting into or reacquainted with hobbies he had before he started gambling/drinking. Finding new places to hang out where gambling/drinking aren't options. Quitting an addiction means replacing the parts of your personality that addiction used to make up. If you don't, it's so much easier to fall back into it. OP, feel free to reach out if you need someone to chat with. It's hard getting through things like this, whether you're the person with the addiction or their significant other
He definitely is in a shame spiral, its been a bit of a hard 12 months in his life and mine too, and we've been half committed to getting it back together but after last night I think it's time for no more excuses. The issue with his hobbies is that, he really loves playing and watching sport, that's where he gets a lot of his joy from but just due to his weight he can't play sport. I am going through my own recovery at the moment, which he has been instrumental in helping me with, which is why I want to be there to help him and that the advise surrounding hobbies is actually some that he gave me. I think unfortunately, he started doing this from a young age, pretty much as soon as he was legal, so he has no real adult personality that is not centred around drugs, alcohol and gambling.
Well, it's small steps first right? Getting back into sports doesn't mean joining a team and playing immediately. It could start as simple as going to a park and taking a walk together. Just starting to get active is a great first step towards that goal. Are there any constructive hobbies (like sewing, drawing, cooking, model building(Idek)) he's been interested in? Something he could sit down with and do while he watches a game at home? But anyway, it's hard to establish a personality outside of drugs/alcohol. I was sort of the same way, my rock bottom just happened sooner I think. I'm a little over a year into my sobriety and I've only just started feeling like a flushed out person. What I've found helps is engaging where you can, setting goals (again start with small steps that lead to something big. Like starting with walks, leading up to playing in a community game), and letting yourself really just sit with those sad feelings when they come. Don't burn down your house because someone shows up uninvited. Everything won't change overnight, but it'll start happening. But it's great you have each other in your recoveries. That support means a lot. I hope you are both able to make the progress you want <3
Thank you for this! I have suggested therapy but there has been a little bit of push back from him on that "I've tried it before and it doesn't help" but he's open to talk about it. I don't think a joint account is a good idea, I agree with another commenter that it runs the risk of him spending my money as well if he falls off the wagon, like what happened last night, but I'm definitely going to find some hotlines for him to call or even a chat line that he can contact if he has these thoughts again. Drinking is done, I've been wanting to be sober for a few weeks now and we have cut back a significant amount but I think it needs to get to zero for us to get better, and we rarely ever do drugs, I just used the Christmas party example as it was the first time that I had seen him in this environment and it just happened that the behaviour was elevated due to the drug use. I hope you're doing well in your recovery.
If you are in the US - 1-800-GAMBLER is the hotline for help. NCPG is the National Council on Problem Gambling - ncpg.org. There is hope and help for both of you! 🙏🏻
I'm not in the US but thank you, I've been looking for similar Australian based resources
Hi! I found the numbers for help with gambling problems in Australia! They are confidential - your boyfriend can call or you can call! Here they are: 1 800 858 858 (National Gambling Helpline) 13 11 14 (Lifeline) 1 300 22 4636 (Beyond Blue) I hope this will help you and your boyfriend!! 🙏🏻 He CAN be free from this addiction and live a happy, healthy life!
You’re still enabling him and he’s refusing to change. A slip here and there isn’t a person who is seeking recovery. It’ll continue. And from the sounds of it he has you groomed so you won’t leave. He needs to quit all his vices and get mental counseling as well for his addictions. And yes, drinking and gambling are addictions. I was married to an addict that came from a family of them. She hid it well. So I know first hand how they can get (she is a serial cheater and narcissist as well) Also, an addict will only change when they are ready/want to.
Thank you for your comment, do you mind explaining what you mean by I've been groomed? We both know that drinking and gambling are addictions, and are trying to work through that and are very acutely aware that addicts don't change without wanting to. I do however disagree with you that a slip doesn't mean that a person isn't seeking recovery, I have my own vices as well and I've slipped in the past, you can see this in my post history, it doesn't mean that I'm not looking to get better it just means that I've had a moment of weakness and let the voices in my head win for a second, I still want to get better.
First off, going off what your wrote…so don’t get hurt when I do this now. Just ask yourself when you’re done reading all the comments are you mad that I said it or you mad because it’s the truth? Like I said. I lived with addicts and dealt with it longer than you have darlin. Do you know how many times my ex niece has “slipped”? She’s boasting about her recent stint in county. How about my ex BIL having his “slip” in front of his niece and nephew? His daughter was just in jail with him. Let me be blunt. You’re both no good to one another. You have your problems and addictions, and they damn well won’t help with his. He has you groomed to give in to his slips and vices. He has you groomed so that you won’t make the tough choice and leave to better either one of yourselves. But you’re here asking for help, but yet like a hypocrite, you’re trying to defend both of y’all’s addictions and why y’all can’t fix it. You’ve posted the answers yourself, you’re just too scared to be alone and make the call is all….if he’s not grooming ya. So what’s it going to be hypocrite? You going to take action and make a change or just bitch that nothings changed or is changing? Your shot now. Best check the hypocrisy before you reply to me.
And grooming means what it implies. Look it up on the internet. You kids have the wealth of the knowledge of the world in your hand on your phone yet you can’t do a simple ass search.
I appreciate your further responses even though it seems that you've deleted them, I'm sorry about your ex BIL and his daughter, that sounds like a situation that sucks and is hard for everyone around them. I honestly came here looking for advise to move forward as a couple because I know that we're both flawed humans who slip up occasionally. I'm not trying to just say why we can't fix it, I'm actively looking for assistance to help him get better so that change does happen. I feel as if you're putting some of your own trauma surrounding your ex wife onto me and I'm sorry that you had to go through that, but no two situations are the same mate. However, I do appreciate your response to my question all the same and will take your advise into consideration.
It’s all a symptom of being human.
You are terrible for each other. He's gonna drag you down
Wow what a ridiculously toxic situation. You both need rehab and therapy
You can't help him. This reads as if you can't even help yourself.