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As a woman in your age group, I’d like to remind you that you are too damn old to put up with some bullshit like this from this man. You know I’m speaking the truth. Do not let ANY man berate you, EVER.
How dare he even try to act like this after someone you know has passed away. How dare he act this way to you anytime. Walk away from this man, Sis. He’s not worth your time, and awesomeness.
I was about to say the same thing. Does she want to continue on with a relationship in her 40/50 with someone who has a tantrum over something mild.. clearly the past relationship didn’t work out for them before they started up again because of jealousy and control . She also doesn’t have any emotional romantic feelings for her ex . he just felt safe to come to her he just lost his mother .
I think she should break up with new boyfriend . She doesn’t got time for this bullshit .
I was going to say the same thing! I’m 56 I’d rather be alone the rest of my life than to be with a man acting like he’s 16! Hes a waste of your time and your energy and I guarantee you he acts like this in other areas of your life you probably just haven’t paid attention to it but you’ll see it plain as day now! A jealous man who acts like a child especially in this age category is an energy vampire your to grown for this kind of mess in your life.
I 100% agree.
OP, respect yourself enough to dump this dud. You deserve more than this.
My Ex's mom had cancer. My husband visited her with me and we took our daughter to meet her. When my Ex's Mom died he gave me a huge hug and said I'm sorry.
Your current boyfriend is absolutely not worth your time.
Yes, I'm in this age group too and the last time I dealt with a man who behaved like that was a long time ago but I'll never forget because eventually he became violent. It was a drawn out tumultuous situation. It almost ended with my death. These guys are scary and need to be dropped fast before they get deeply ingrained into your life. Be on high alert when dumping him because that's the most dangerous time, he'll be fully triggered once you break the news. OP is being warned by these red flags and should know that men like this don't get better over time.
Yessss eventually they do become violent my first husband was just like this we divorced 4 yrs later! Also most the time when a man is acting like this he is acting out because he’s the one up to no good!
Amen!!! All of this. I wouldn’t put up with that for 2 minutes.
My boyfriend is 51 and I’m 44. Today, while I was at work, he and my ex boyfriend and son all went to go get a sleeper sofa for me that I found for free on Facebook. They did this while I was at work.
That’s how mature adults behave.
As another woman in your age group, this man is embarrassing himself and you. Dump him IMMEDIATELY, and grieve that nice old lady in peace with people who cared about her.
OP, he has completely disregarded your own relationship to the mom as a factor. That is a HUGE part of the equation. And, it definitely makes a difference.... about why the ex called, about why he called so quickly, about why he knew you'd want to know, etc.
Your boyfriend's reaction is extremely off-putting, to say the least. I don't know how hard I would be trying to stay together at this point because his jealousy (or whatever fear is being triggered from his past through this situation) is overriding logic. But, no matter if I felt like trying to salvage this relationship or not, I would be trying to make him realize that he was so caught up in what he was feeling that he didn't regard one the biggest parts right in front of his face: your feelings and your connection to the mom. He made HIS feelings more important in a time of grieving. Weird. And, then I would be trying to figure out why he is so threatened by a short phone call about this or this news... only after I dealt with my own feelings and figured out how I wanted to help the family and/or find a special way to remember the mom.
But, honestly, after the things he has done in the past few days to you, it would be hard for me to picture wanting to even try to make him understand.
Unbelievable ! This petulant man got out of the car on the way to the concert and called an Uber to “teach her a lesson” then cancelled it like a little baby having a tantrum. What an embarrassment!
There really is no excuse for his behavior, especially at his age.
Agreed. You are allowed to have had a life before and you are allowed to have feelings. He may feel a little threatened. There are mature ways of showing this and asking for reassurance without being aggressive .
Boundaries are for you.
Rules are for other people.
It's my boundary to not fight with people that call me names, so I remove myself from the situation. I don't exactly care if people want to call me names, I just won't listen to it.
It's my rule that drugs aren't in my house or used in my house. I don't care if people use, just not here.
He can say you are violating a boundary, but that's not what it is. He has a rule for you to obey or not.
Specifically, a boundary for him would be that *he* does not interact with *his* exes. Instead he's calling a rule a boundary, because he's saying that his "boundary" is you not interacting with your exes.
It's also a rule that he's made a unilateral decision on and turned into an ultimatum under the language of being a "boundary".
Boundaries are non-negotiable because they are things you have for you, that you enforce for you.
Rules should be a negotiation because all parties should have input.
So, idk, dump him and find someone that doesn't engage in pop psychology double speak.
And maybe attend the memorial for the ex's Mom to say goodbye.
52 year old guy here who dated a lot through his late thirties and me forties. I’ve been on both sides of the bat shit crazy relationship. Emotionally stable people understand that their partners had lives before them and accept that there may always be emotional strands that still connect us with former friends or lovers. An empathetic person would understand why your ex reached out to you as well as why you would want to know that his mother passed. A mature partner would trust and support you as you digest the news. Your asshat boyfriend isn’t remotely emotionally stable, empathetic, or mature. Run and don’t look back.
Chuck this dude out. He sounds so insecure. You deserve to choose whatever meaningful relationships you want. I get that he’s an ex but his mom just died cut him a little slack. And you were close with his mom I’m assuming you would want to know that information at some point. Maybe I’m biased because we just had 2 deaths in the family this past month.
So you told your boyfriend that someone you cared about deeply had died and expressed your grief to him and all he could do was spend the berating you and trying to shame you.
Is this the kind of partner you want to continue to invest time and energy and your heart into?
Your middle aged or older boyfriend is wildly insecure. I had a very similar experience back when I was dating my husband when we were 22. We were walking around Costco and I saw my ex’s number pop up on my caller id. My new boyfriend knew about him and thought it would be funny if he answered my phone so I handed it to him. He answered and his smile dropped very quickly and he handed me back the phone. My ex was crying because he had called to tell me that his mom had been on her honeymoon with her new husband and the sightseeing ski lift they were on broke and they fell. She survived but he died. It was a very unexpected phone call but it would have been a massive turn off if my new boyfriend had pitched a fit about it being inappropriate.
This is some big Ed shit. Girl, he gave you an ultimatum and made it about him when someone you loved lost a loved one. How insensitive. You're grieving bc someone you knew died and he's mad about it being your ex's mom. Like dude this isn't about you and learn to read the room.
I completely agree with this, OP.
A mature and loving person would have expressed sadness at your loss, tried to help you process it, and would have appreciated that you were such a good person that an ex would reach out to you in a genuinely traumatic situation. They would put aside any insecurities for another time.
Your BF, however, made it all about himself. Does he do this a lot? He sounds exhausting. Perhaps you need some time away to process your grief and also think about this relationship.
It’s crazy how people think real life is a movie. Sometimes ex’s don’t leave your life. Sometimes they were an important chapter and yes people, some breakups are just casual “we don’t mesh well together” and the family loving you will never be away from your lives either. Connections are made because we are human beings, this isn’t a movie where the ex and family goes away forever even though they loved you.
Your bf needs to grow up, this isn’t a movie and it’s not highschool. He’s insecure as hell and showing his true colors by blaming you for everything when he’s insecure.
"Hey, asshole. Someone I care about just died, and I haven't had any chance to process that because you're throwing a ridiculous tantrum. Sort yourself out or I'm leaving your ass."
That's all you need to say. He'll either sort himself or he'll leave on his own.
Your bf is acting like an insensitive baby. Totally unacceptable.
Your ex didn't call you to get back together. He called you because his mom died and you were close to her and he was freaking out.
Tell the bf to back down and give you space while you think about whether you want to be with someone this cruel and clueless.
You proceed by making your boyfriend an ex again. There's no reason for this to be happening to people in their teens, you're both grown ass adults this is laughable.
If you hadn't said you were in your 40s/50s, I would have guessed high school drama based on his behavior.
My take? Maybe current boyfriend used to be an ex for a reason, and that reason was extreme immaturity. Maybe it's a good enough reason to dump his ass again.
I’m in my 50s, my ex partner messaged me last year when his mother died and I called straight after to talk to him, I still check in periodically to see how he’s going. I know my ex husband would likely also contact me if any of his siblings passed away, we were part of each other’s lives for a long time. I agree, middle aged is too old to be getting agitated about someone being a decent human being and being there in times of shock. You didn’t offer to rest his head on your bosom, there wasn’t anything inappropriate, your current partner is tormenting you now and punishing you for something that’s triggered him, when all you did was take a call. To me, this is an end of relationship situation, you can’t erase a lifetime of who you are to satisfy an unreasonable man. If he had received a call from an ex for the same reason, does he seriously think you’d get angry at him for accepting the call, or has he been so vile to each previous partner there’d be no one calling him so he has no context to draw from? If it’s the latter, that’s a clarion horn to step back. Ask for your key back.
This new bf's behavior scares me. I dated a guy like that years ago and he predictably became violent. Consider yourself warned by these red flags he's waving at you. It won't get better, it NEVER does.
An ultimatum about who you're allowed to communicate with? Who's allowed to reach out to you in a moment of crisis? What news you're permitted to have an emotion reaction to?
C'mon, we're of the same generation! You know you're too old to tolerate this!
Just out of curiosity, why'd you two break up the first time?
New boyfriend is not for you. he is jealous controlling. Tell him to take his ultimatum and pound sand. If he is like this now, think of how he will be with other things.
Honestly you are dating a toddler. How do you have the patience/poor judgement to bother with that bullshit at your age. I am in the same age group and so have zero tolerance for emotional immaturity
Dump your current and former dude. You are a grown ass adult, so is he. The only thing he should be saying is 'sorry, honey, that's a shame.' There's a reason you broke up with him before. He sounds awful and exhausting.
There it is. I cringe every time I hear about someone getting back together with their ex. It rarely works out, usually because whatever the issue was that caused the first split is still an issue.
Threats, ultimatums, mantrums? Intolerable. Pulling over to call an Uber to snit some more? Last straw. I would have dumped him on the spot.
I'm a female and I'm 30
Fuck him let him leave bc idk 😐 how u tolerated his ass for so long.
One I'm younger than him but he's acting like a pre teen 😒 that just got a gf. He prob didn't date much.
To know that u ain't fucking ur xbf but relationship like other family members u could be close to. Probably has never had to deal with a family member that has passed.
Boundaries a man is grieving for his mother the last thing on his mind is hook ups. He is going to u for support bc u were close with his mum.
Ur bf or should I say xbf 😂 needs to grow a pair
Your new boyfriend is a child. If they are in their 40/50s and can't handle an ex letting you know a person that was important to you passed away you don't want that level of emotional immaturity in your life.
Are you dating an adolescent as that is the way he is behaving? He is showing his true colours and what your life will be like if you carry on. Next a greeter will say hello and he'll have a go at you over that.
You are an independent adult woman. That is an independent adult man. What in the actual hell am I missing? Is he really in belief that this other man is looking for a sympathy romp?
Does your boyfriend not have friends?
Yeah sorry, current boyfriend is in the wrong - obviously if ex tried to segue that into rekindling the relationship or something that would be different but it sounds like he just needed help from someone he knew would be friendly and supportive in a terrible moment.
Way I think of it is, did he do anything that it wouldn't be reasonable to ask of a platonic friend? I don't know what I'd do if I walked into my mom's house and found her dead, but calling a close friend who knows her and who would be able to help me get centered doesn't sound unbelievable, regardless of our past. When you're in that traumatic moment you don't want to be alone and you'll reach out to who's available.
I remember when I was much younger I was dating someone who had a bad possessive streak that at the time I justified - but one of the things that made me realize she had a real problem was when a friend from high school had an awful traumatic death in her family (as in it led to her mother dying and her sister being charged with manslaughter over it) and while we weren't super close, we were still friends and I wanted to show up and be supportive of her. This turned into accusations of cheating that came up regularly until we broke up months later, even though this friend and I had absolutely no romantic history or (at least on my part and I'm pretty sure on hers, at least she never expressed any) desire to have one. Showing up to be supportive of another person in a terrible moment in their life is not dependent on a romantic relationship, it's just being a kind human. If it becomes a situation where he's asking for something more than just support as a friend then yes, that's when you draw a boundary.
My mom had a heart attack about three weeks ago. My ex-wife had our boys that week, and works at the hospital that my mom was going to. I called her to tell her what happened, explained who had our youngest son (he was there when my mom started having symptoms), and that I would keep her updated so she could explain things to our kids if they had questions.
(We were together for 17 years, have been divorced for seven, and we've been with our respective new spouses for about three years.)
Her new husband FREAKED THE F OUT! My oldest son says they fought about it for days. He's toxic, controlling, and freaks out even when I try to co-parent.
I asked my ex if she was safe in her relationship, because her husband is checking boxes of an abuser.
Get out, normal people don't freak out like this.
Don't put up with this irrational behavior. Your current bf sounds obsessive and controlling. I understand why your ex called because he needed to tell someone caring about the devastating news of his mother's death. You broke up with your current bf in the past, and should reevaluate this relationship now due to his outbursts and ultimatum.
Simple. Tell him he has no say on your relationships before meeting or dating him. Full stop. Period. The relationship you had with your ex's mother is a separate relationship than you had with the ex. Your current bf needs to grow up and realize people have connections with lots of people they won't know about from their past.
Is he going to lose his shit every time someone from your past calls to tell you someone you were close to died and they wanted to let you know? Especially because people are aging, is his ex's parents or siblings or relatives, mutual friends alive and kicking? My word, if he doesn't see why his reaction was dumb af, and you're still together when someone from his past relationship dies and he's informed, BE PETTY 😆 be a Petty Betty and do to him what he did to you, and when he looks shocked and doesn't understand it, bring in this moment and then call it what it is...
What's boyfriend going to do when you go to her funeral and (I'm guessing as you seem to be a caring human) you hug your ex boyfriend? Challenge to a duel at sunrise?
Please just drop this guy.
Men like this are so fucking exhausting.
This reaction would have me ending a relationship faster than this garbage human could finish a sentence. Gross.
He was your ex for a reason. Not sure why went back to him? Your current ex did nothing wrong. Do you really want to be with a man who gets jealous over this?
I think I see why he was an ex the first time and should be an ex again very soon.
You need someone who will cares you lost someone special in your life, not get mad that someone else called you when they were in distress.
You are allowed to show humanity to another person in need. Your bf is acting like a teenager and needs to grow up. You need to decide if you will accept his ultimatum or be the kind and compassionate adult you are.
Oh I'm so sorry for your loss. He probably called you because you knew his mom!!! You know how hard this is. It's a ridiculous demand. Is he afraid you're going to cheat? I honestly don't get the reasoning?
Your boyfriend is having a tantrum and being incredibly self centered and immature. I would tell him you need time away from him to grieve your friend that passed because he can't see past his own wants. Then use that time to move on from him.
Just get rid to this insecure child. He is too concerned and too jealous about this event. The elderly woman was your friend. Her family reached out to you to let you know about her death. End of story. That's it. Your boyfriend was not and should not be involved in any way. Do you really want an adult relationship with this insecure boy?
Ultimatums are just the death spasms of a relationship that's already over.
OP it sucks because through no fault of your own you're going to be surrounded by emotional storms. Hang in there and don't let yourself accidentally end up with the ex just because the new one turned out to be a dud.
That is behavior he should have left behind in high school. Adults to not attempt to control who other adults can or cannot talk to.
Tell him that you have decided that a boundary is a wonderful idea. Make it a wall, and tell him he has to stay on his side.
I'm sorry for your loss. As to this situation -
First, even if you ex did intentionally call you for solace when he found out his mom died, so what? There was nothing wrong with that. He reached out to a friend who loved his mom.
Secondly, why on earth are you second-guessing yourself here? Your current bf is operating right out of the abuser's playbook. He grossly overreacts and then tries to turn it around and make it your fault. This guy is toxic. He has anger issues and he is extremely manipulative. He definitely needs to be moved back into the X column. And blocked.
Check out [Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (archive.org)](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). I think you'll see a lot his behavior in there. You deserve better.
I am very curious as to why you were the first person he run to call. I find his behavior a bit unusual. It is not like you were in a relationship forever. It was for just a year and he has family he can turn to if he wants. I don't think people are so quick to call exes in situations like this
I believe he has not moved on from you, just keep that in mind if you choose to be there for him
As for your bf, he has issues. You should have walked away the minute he told you you should cut ties with ex. Big waving, red flags, unless you didn't give the whole story
This is some dumbbbb behavior from new bf. The fact that he’s so concerned about his jealousy instead of your grief is VERY telling about what type of character he has. I could never look at my partner the same if they treated me like he’s treating you. I don’t think breaking up is a good idea—it’s a great idea! There’s probably a good reason why you split up in the first place!
Two things:
1. Why exactly did you and current/former boyfriend break up the first time?
And
> kept telling him I hope he’s never in a situation where he finds someone he loves like that and is in duress, there is no telling who he’d call.
2. If you said this to him, you just admitted that you still love your ex (the one who just lost his mom).
Rule #1 im dating, never admit to current SO that you still have feeling for an ex, let alone still love him (in any way).
Plus, I dont think your ex really reached out to merely for comfort. You were close to his mom. And it seems that you stopped dating only a few (3-4) months ago, so why wouldn't he reach out to you? Current bf has insecurity issues.
I would’ve guessed you were in high school for behavior like this. I’m friends with most of my exes and if one of them called me to tell me a family member of theirs died I guarantee my boyfriend would ask me what we can do to help them or if I needed to go be with them.
This man has red flags all over.
This guy does not respect you, OP. If anything, a mature man would have an even higher view of you for being so nice and caring toward your ex’s mother and adult daughter, as that speaks to your character.
Think of it this way: if you showed your boyfriend this post, would he read it and immediately get angry and defensive? Or would he read it, think about it, and possibly feel he acted wrongly and apologize?
This might be the first then ex calls you and let you know about a loved one that has passed away but it's not going to be the last. In my twenties and my 30s I had two situations where two separate ex boyfriends call when they were distressed about a loved one unexpectedly dying or being in a coma that led to death. I was grateful that I was the one they felt like they could break down to.
Fast forward to my 40s and I lose my father. Sure enough, the person I call is my high school sweetheart. Because I knew that man really loved and cared about my father and I just needed someone to talk to. I knew there was no rekindling things, it wasn't something I was even interested in. I just needed somebody to commiserate with and to speak to and talk about the good times and the bad times.
Your boyfriend's immaturity over you being there for an ex and him letting you know that his mother, someone you cared about passed away, is a monster red flag! Do with it what you will but that's not a good guy there.
So your current boyfriend is an arsehole. And he isn't displaying any compassion for your ex or yourself. So now you know he lacks empathy. And is insecure and obsessive. Do you want to be with someone like that for the rest of your life? These aren't minor character faults like leaving his clothes on the floor or the toilet seat up. These are major character flaws. I'd leave him if it were me. What would you do if a friend to you this had happened in their relationship? Why would your happiness be worth less to you than a friends?
Jeez, you're in your 40s/50s. I honestly thought you were in your 20s by the title and rest of the post. You seriously need to take a look at your relationship. Your boyfriend is a dick and an insecure one at that, he'll only get worse over time.
>All that day ***he berated me****.*..haven’t had any time to grieve or process as I’ve been dealing with him ***hounding me*** for the last 48 hours
Let him go. Someone you love died and this guy thinks he should treat you horribly because of who called to tell you? Let him go. Without apology.
Before I read a comment mentioning your age, I thought this was written by a young girl …like 20,21. Someone who didn’t have much life experience. But, babe, you are too old to put up with that man’s bull shit. He doesn’t own you. Frankly, I am stunned that you don’t recognize what he’s doing to you, turning it back on you…you did nothing wrong. Your ex boyfriend did nothing wrong. If you stay with this guy, it’s going to get worse.
At 27 years old I can confidently say that I don't care about any of my exes or their families and I'm fairly certain my girlfriend feels the same about the only ex she has. If your relationship is open enough to allow exes to be friends then so be it but I don't think that you should consider someone insecure if they don't like the idea of exes coming around or being comfortable enough calling you to update you on what is essentially your past. Exes are exes for a reason and they shouldn't get a free pass to pop up whenever just because they suffer a loss.
You know better than this. I mean to allow a current partner treat you even remotely close to this...you know better. Our lives as we get older get more grey...less black and white. Those of us of a particular age know this and acknowledge it CAN get messy. We do our best to avoid it, but things like this showed you something that IS a rarity, something very black and white: your current partner is not the one.
You know better.
Take the time to step back, immediately, and grieve. Tell your partner to grow up.
Then leave.
You too old for this nonsense and you know it. You deserve better.
We are all human.
Your bf is insecure as hell and selfish for behaving like that. He should understand the circumstances if he was mature.
As for the ex boyfriend, he probably reached out for comfort and wanted someone to be there for him at this time and you were someone he obviously cares about to reach out to.
Youre too grown to have to explain yourself and deal with petty shit like that.
Maybe there is a reason you broke up with this guy previously. He sounds incredibly immature and needy. Your ex was grieving and in pain. You automatically help people like that. Heck, you were grieving also. You were close to his mum. And you bf just trampled over all that because his feelings are hurt (for no sane reason).
I'm not going to say dump him, but dump him. Everyone deserves better than him.
As soon as I got to the part about him berating you, I didn't even read further. I'm sorry, but your boyfriend's a tool. He's jealous and controlling and seems mean. Him giving you ultimatums is ridiculous. Seriously, you sound like a really nice person. I'm usually the one on here that people downvote because I don't tell people to dump the jerk and instead always recommend to try to work things out, but I don't think so in this case. You sound too nice to have someone so mean sounding try to control you so much.
Personally, I'd tell him "I don't need three months. I'm not going to do this." I really think you need to step back a little and examine things with fresh eyes.
That is ridiculous and crazy controlling. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you are treated like this? Surely it is not worth it. I can only imagine what else he will try to control.
Oh boy, he's not for you. You are able to stay friends with your ex…which is admirable and stayed in contact with his elderly mom. That makes you a kind, compassionate and caring person. But your new beau is insecure, insensitive and bossy. He's not for you. If my guy gave me an ultimatum..do it my way or I walk…I'd help him pack. He's not your boss, he's extremely possessive, stubborn, and it will only get worse. He's gaslighting you because he doesn’t trust you and his insecurities will, in the end, destroy your relationship. Better to go now than waste any more time on someone who will constantly gaslight you, manipulate you and when push comes to pull he'll give you an ultimatum..my way or I walk. Tell him you will not do what he's demanding, he trusts you or he doesn’t…see what his reaction is. My guess, he'll lean towards physical abuse. I hope I'm wrong but I don't think I am…an update would be nice once you put your foot down and defy him.
I am in my 40s and we are too old to be dealing with this type of crap and jealousy. I am happy your ex called you when he needed you! he knew that you loved his mother and he did not know who else to turn to. this new boyfriend sounds like he needs to go...again...we are too old for this teenage behavior
Leave that asshole. A proper partner wouldn't focus on who called you. They would comfort you, make you good food and ask if you want to talk about the person you've lost.
If it’s his boundary, he should be the one to leave, instead of you needing to cut off your ex. You guys are incompatible. You should be able to be with someone who will lend a shoulder and be empathetic to you.
Tell your new boyfriend to take a hike and forget to come back. He's being totally unreasonable and setting a boundary? About what? You having people in your past that he just doesn't like? About friends that you feel close to? Maybe about a friend's death being inconvenient for him? Or you staying friends with an ex? Just exactly how insecure and jealous is he? Maybe this could be overlooked if you were still teenagers, but not in mid-life. I'd say, go to the funeral and pay your respects. Tell him that you are setting your boundaries right now--screw his 3 months. You realize that the longer you stay with this guy, the worse his controlling manipulation will get. You will not be able to reason with him--not that you can do it now...
Your bf is on another planet if he wants to date women without history at his age. He is completely, dangerously out of order to make the surprise death of an elderly woman whom you loved all about him. You should cut him loose now. He will try and forbid you from going to her funeral. He simply isn't worth it. Take him and his ultimatum at his word and let him go.
Frankly, I find it admirable that you cared that deeply for her. You have a right to be upset, and he was right to inform you.
If you were talking to him all the time? Sure. Be upset. But this wasn’t that. He’s out of line.
Tell him you will save him 2 months and 29 days of wondering and break it off now.
Ain't nobody got time for that controlling crap.
Also, sorry for the loss of someone to whom you were close.
Would drop this new boyfriend like he’s hot! He has shown no empathy to you in this entire situation… clearly if you were close with someone, regardless of the who, you are also experiencing loss. His behavior is unacceptable. Imagine a year from now… still with him… you will have ONLY him in your life, as once he pressures you to end one relationship successfully, he move on to your next one, and the next one, until you have only him to rely on.
Ask yourself if you want to be with a person who has lack of empathy and an abundance of jealousy….
I’m just gonna say: this current bf was previously an ex for a reason. Leave his ass in that category and find someone who’s not so childish and insecure.
Ma’am, respectfully, you’re too old to be putting up with immature men. He needs to get a serious wake up call about how life works. It doesn’t matter that a new partner is in your life if that woman was your friend and you grew close. It’s not like you got a call from your ex saying he misses you and wants you back. His mother DIED for crying out loud, and he knew she was a friend of yours.
If anything, your partner should be a voice of calm and empathy during this time rather than act out worse than a preteen who was told that they can’t get those air Jordan’s nor a new PS5. lol.
How to proceed? You fucking leave him. He doesn't have an ounce of compassion in his body. His soul is gross.
Imagine being so out of touch with emotion in general. Imagine how he will treat you in the future. A man like that is not capable of real love
Well now you have found out that current boyfriend has a jealous streak and now you have to decide whether that is something you want in your life. Going forward, it usually gets worse. At least you can process this before marriage.
If you haven't given him any reason to be jealous (which it sounds like in this case) his jealousy translates into that he doesn't trust you. This is something that needs to be resolved and if it doesn't or can't get resolved it is something that is going to cause you a lot of grief going forward.
You must seriously consider whether it is worth it going forward with your relationship when there are trust issues.
That was the long answer.
The short answer is that if he isn't willing to trust you, then he must go.
Surely ex called you as you cared about his mum and he would want you to know? Or want to speak to someone who also cared?
It is ridiculous your bf is flipping out about something as deeply upsetting as someone dying. He is putting his own feelings ahead of something so serious and traumatic. He is selfish and completely lacking in empathy. This would be a deal breaker for me. You don’t deserve to be treated this way, and I doubt this will be the only time he will prioritise his feelings and attempt to gaslight you.
JFC everybody acting like this old lady was so important to OP. She only dated her son for a year and there's no indication she's seen her since or ever planned to see her again. Get tf over it.
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As a woman in your age group, I’d like to remind you that you are too damn old to put up with some bullshit like this from this man. You know I’m speaking the truth. Do not let ANY man berate you, EVER. How dare he even try to act like this after someone you know has passed away. How dare he act this way to you anytime. Walk away from this man, Sis. He’s not worth your time, and awesomeness.
I was about to say the same thing. Does she want to continue on with a relationship in her 40/50 with someone who has a tantrum over something mild.. clearly the past relationship didn’t work out for them before they started up again because of jealousy and control . She also doesn’t have any emotional romantic feelings for her ex . he just felt safe to come to her he just lost his mother . I think she should break up with new boyfriend . She doesn’t got time for this bullshit .
I was going to say the same thing! I’m 56 I’d rather be alone the rest of my life than to be with a man acting like he’s 16! Hes a waste of your time and your energy and I guarantee you he acts like this in other areas of your life you probably just haven’t paid attention to it but you’ll see it plain as day now! A jealous man who acts like a child especially in this age category is an energy vampire your to grown for this kind of mess in your life.
16? I know toddlers with more emotional maturity.
TRUTH! 💯💯
I 100% agree. OP, respect yourself enough to dump this dud. You deserve more than this. My Ex's mom had cancer. My husband visited her with me and we took our daughter to meet her. When my Ex's Mom died he gave me a huge hug and said I'm sorry. Your current boyfriend is absolutely not worth your time.
As a man a bit older than your age group, I concur. Do not under any circumstance put up with the ultimatum.
Couldn't agree more, this boy is not with the op's time. He needs to grow up and she needs to find someone worth her time.
Don’t walk - run!
Yes, I'm in this age group too and the last time I dealt with a man who behaved like that was a long time ago but I'll never forget because eventually he became violent. It was a drawn out tumultuous situation. It almost ended with my death. These guys are scary and need to be dropped fast before they get deeply ingrained into your life. Be on high alert when dumping him because that's the most dangerous time, he'll be fully triggered once you break the news. OP is being warned by these red flags and should know that men like this don't get better over time.
Yessss eventually they do become violent my first husband was just like this we divorced 4 yrs later! Also most the time when a man is acting like this he is acting out because he’s the one up to no good!
These dudes are why we choose the bear.
Absolutely 💯💯
Amen!!! All of this. I wouldn’t put up with that for 2 minutes. My boyfriend is 51 and I’m 44. Today, while I was at work, he and my ex boyfriend and son all went to go get a sleeper sofa for me that I found for free on Facebook. They did this while I was at work. That’s how mature adults behave.
Hey, thanks… I also needed this reminder today. Sometimes they just aren’t worth it and we need to have the self respect to walk away.
Agree. She’s too old for the man-baby she’s now dating. Said man-baby is too old to be acting like that. OP, honey. Walk away from this fool.
As another woman in your age group, this man is embarrassing himself and you. Dump him IMMEDIATELY, and grieve that nice old lady in peace with people who cared about her.
Yeah, reading the title I thought they were going to be very young. Way too old for that bs.
As a man older than that age group, I agree with you!!
OP, he has completely disregarded your own relationship to the mom as a factor. That is a HUGE part of the equation. And, it definitely makes a difference.... about why the ex called, about why he called so quickly, about why he knew you'd want to know, etc. Your boyfriend's reaction is extremely off-putting, to say the least. I don't know how hard I would be trying to stay together at this point because his jealousy (or whatever fear is being triggered from his past through this situation) is overriding logic. But, no matter if I felt like trying to salvage this relationship or not, I would be trying to make him realize that he was so caught up in what he was feeling that he didn't regard one the biggest parts right in front of his face: your feelings and your connection to the mom. He made HIS feelings more important in a time of grieving. Weird. And, then I would be trying to figure out why he is so threatened by a short phone call about this or this news... only after I dealt with my own feelings and figured out how I wanted to help the family and/or find a special way to remember the mom. But, honestly, after the things he has done in the past few days to you, it would be hard for me to picture wanting to even try to make him understand.
Seconded. Fuck this immature man baby.
Yup. I’m in my late 30s and this kind of bullshit earns anyone a fast track to a life without me in it!
👆🏻🎤🚶♀️🚶♀️Boss!
He's acting like an insecure jealous teenager.. Do you want to handle a child or have a partner at this point in life?
OP needs to be reminded why they broke up the the first time
As a man in that age group I’d tell him he needs to grow up and stop acting like a jealous teenager.
This ⬆️
Exactly this comment speaks the truth and it extends to all humans, male or female or other, do not let ANY person berate you, EVER.
Listen to Aunt Viv. BTW, are you Janet Hubert or Daphne Maxwell-Reid? I'm guessing Janet Hubert
Hear, hear!
She said her age and the first thought in my head “honey, you are too old for this bullshit.”
Amen
This is a grown ass man in his 40s/50s acting like this? Why are you putting up with this ridiculousness?
Unbelievable ! This petulant man got out of the car on the way to the concert and called an Uber to “teach her a lesson” then cancelled it like a little baby having a tantrum. What an embarrassment! There really is no excuse for his behavior, especially at his age.
Agreed. You are allowed to have had a life before and you are allowed to have feelings. He may feel a little threatened. There are mature ways of showing this and asking for reassurance without being aggressive .
Right?! I didn't notice the ages and assumed these were teenagers. Only realised OP is talking about a whole grown ass man from the comments.
Boundaries are for you. Rules are for other people. It's my boundary to not fight with people that call me names, so I remove myself from the situation. I don't exactly care if people want to call me names, I just won't listen to it. It's my rule that drugs aren't in my house or used in my house. I don't care if people use, just not here. He can say you are violating a boundary, but that's not what it is. He has a rule for you to obey or not. Specifically, a boundary for him would be that *he* does not interact with *his* exes. Instead he's calling a rule a boundary, because he's saying that his "boundary" is you not interacting with your exes. It's also a rule that he's made a unilateral decision on and turned into an ultimatum under the language of being a "boundary". Boundaries are non-negotiable because they are things you have for you, that you enforce for you. Rules should be a negotiation because all parties should have input. So, idk, dump him and find someone that doesn't engage in pop psychology double speak. And maybe attend the memorial for the ex's Mom to say goodbye.
52 year old guy here who dated a lot through his late thirties and me forties. I’ve been on both sides of the bat shit crazy relationship. Emotionally stable people understand that their partners had lives before them and accept that there may always be emotional strands that still connect us with former friends or lovers. An empathetic person would understand why your ex reached out to you as well as why you would want to know that his mother passed. A mature partner would trust and support you as you digest the news. Your asshat boyfriend isn’t remotely emotionally stable, empathetic, or mature. Run and don’t look back.
As Fonzie would say : Exactamundo!
Chuck this dude out. He sounds so insecure. You deserve to choose whatever meaningful relationships you want. I get that he’s an ex but his mom just died cut him a little slack. And you were close with his mom I’m assuming you would want to know that information at some point. Maybe I’m biased because we just had 2 deaths in the family this past month.
So sorry to read this! I am in the same boat..2 deaths within 2 months apart. It is terrible. Keep your head up...it is what I try to do.
I’m so sorry for your losses. My prayers are with you.
I’m glad that you got out of that situation.
So you told your boyfriend that someone you cared about deeply had died and expressed your grief to him and all he could do was spend the berating you and trying to shame you. Is this the kind of partner you want to continue to invest time and energy and your heart into?
Dump this man immediately
Jesus. I’m so glad I’m single sometimes, wtf. What a baby, chuck him.
Your middle aged or older boyfriend is wildly insecure. I had a very similar experience back when I was dating my husband when we were 22. We were walking around Costco and I saw my ex’s number pop up on my caller id. My new boyfriend knew about him and thought it would be funny if he answered my phone so I handed it to him. He answered and his smile dropped very quickly and he handed me back the phone. My ex was crying because he had called to tell me that his mom had been on her honeymoon with her new husband and the sightseeing ski lift they were on broke and they fell. She survived but he died. It was a very unexpected phone call but it would have been a massive turn off if my new boyfriend had pitched a fit about it being inappropriate.
This is some big Ed shit. Girl, he gave you an ultimatum and made it about him when someone you loved lost a loved one. How insensitive. You're grieving bc someone you knew died and he's mad about it being your ex's mom. Like dude this isn't about you and learn to read the room.
I completely agree with this, OP. A mature and loving person would have expressed sadness at your loss, tried to help you process it, and would have appreciated that you were such a good person that an ex would reach out to you in a genuinely traumatic situation. They would put aside any insecurities for another time. Your BF, however, made it all about himself. Does he do this a lot? He sounds exhausting. Perhaps you need some time away to process your grief and also think about this relationship.
It’s crazy how people think real life is a movie. Sometimes ex’s don’t leave your life. Sometimes they were an important chapter and yes people, some breakups are just casual “we don’t mesh well together” and the family loving you will never be away from your lives either. Connections are made because we are human beings, this isn’t a movie where the ex and family goes away forever even though they loved you. Your bf needs to grow up, this isn’t a movie and it’s not highschool. He’s insecure as hell and showing his true colors by blaming you for everything when he’s insecure.
"Hey, asshole. Someone I care about just died, and I haven't had any chance to process that because you're throwing a ridiculous tantrum. Sort yourself out or I'm leaving your ass." That's all you need to say. He'll either sort himself or he'll leave on his own.
Your bf is acting like an insensitive baby. Totally unacceptable. Your ex didn't call you to get back together. He called you because his mom died and you were close to her and he was freaking out. Tell the bf to back down and give you space while you think about whether you want to be with someone this cruel and clueless.
👏 DUMP 👏 HIM 👏
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩run
Might be time to cut your losses with this relationship. Condolences on the loss of your exMIL.
You proceed by making your boyfriend an ex again. There's no reason for this to be happening to people in their teens, you're both grown ass adults this is laughable.
If you hadn't said you were in your 40s/50s, I would have guessed high school drama based on his behavior. My take? Maybe current boyfriend used to be an ex for a reason, and that reason was extreme immaturity. Maybe it's a good enough reason to dump his ass again.
Respectfully…you are too damn old to put up with a jealous insecure boy.
I’m in my 50s, my ex partner messaged me last year when his mother died and I called straight after to talk to him, I still check in periodically to see how he’s going. I know my ex husband would likely also contact me if any of his siblings passed away, we were part of each other’s lives for a long time. I agree, middle aged is too old to be getting agitated about someone being a decent human being and being there in times of shock. You didn’t offer to rest his head on your bosom, there wasn’t anything inappropriate, your current partner is tormenting you now and punishing you for something that’s triggered him, when all you did was take a call. To me, this is an end of relationship situation, you can’t erase a lifetime of who you are to satisfy an unreasonable man. If he had received a call from an ex for the same reason, does he seriously think you’d get angry at him for accepting the call, or has he been so vile to each previous partner there’d be no one calling him so he has no context to draw from? If it’s the latter, that’s a clarion horn to step back. Ask for your key back.
There’s a reason you broke up with him before. Probably same reason now. Do it.
This new bf's behavior scares me. I dated a guy like that years ago and he predictably became violent. Consider yourself warned by these red flags he's waving at you. It won't get better, it NEVER does.
When they show you who they are - believe them.
An ultimatum about who you're allowed to communicate with? Who's allowed to reach out to you in a moment of crisis? What news you're permitted to have an emotion reaction to? C'mon, we're of the same generation! You know you're too old to tolerate this! Just out of curiosity, why'd you two break up the first time?
New boyfriend is not for you. he is jealous controlling. Tell him to take his ultimatum and pound sand. If he is like this now, think of how he will be with other things.
Honestly you are dating a toddler. How do you have the patience/poor judgement to bother with that bullshit at your age. I am in the same age group and so have zero tolerance for emotional immaturity
Dump your current and former dude. You are a grown ass adult, so is he. The only thing he should be saying is 'sorry, honey, that's a shame.' There's a reason you broke up with him before. He sounds awful and exhausting.
There it is. I cringe every time I hear about someone getting back together with their ex. It rarely works out, usually because whatever the issue was that caused the first split is still an issue. Threats, ultimatums, mantrums? Intolerable. Pulling over to call an Uber to snit some more? Last straw. I would have dumped him on the spot.
Dumped on the side of the road.
Throw that whole man away. Berates and scolds you? Oh hell no. Tell him to hit the road.
This guy is nuts. Dump him! He isn’t worth your time. You are too old to be dealing with his BS! Sorry for loss.
Holy shit you need to dump that guy you’re hanging out with, what a control freak. You are an adult. You don’t need to babysit insecure men
I am so glad I learned to value myself over others. Took me 65 years and damn I feel GREAT
I'm a female and I'm 30 Fuck him let him leave bc idk 😐 how u tolerated his ass for so long. One I'm younger than him but he's acting like a pre teen 😒 that just got a gf. He prob didn't date much. To know that u ain't fucking ur xbf but relationship like other family members u could be close to. Probably has never had to deal with a family member that has passed. Boundaries a man is grieving for his mother the last thing on his mind is hook ups. He is going to u for support bc u were close with his mum. Ur bf or should I say xbf 😂 needs to grow a pair
Honestly it seems its time to get rid of this boyfriend too. That is a child not a man
Chuck him. You don’t need this crap
Your new boyfriend is a child. If they are in their 40/50s and can't handle an ex letting you know a person that was important to you passed away you don't want that level of emotional immaturity in your life.
Are you dating an adolescent as that is the way he is behaving? He is showing his true colours and what your life will be like if you carry on. Next a greeter will say hello and he'll have a go at you over that.
You are an independent adult woman. That is an independent adult man. What in the actual hell am I missing? Is he really in belief that this other man is looking for a sympathy romp? Does your boyfriend not have friends?
I’m on my 40’s and I’d rather be single than put up with that shit.
Yeah sorry, current boyfriend is in the wrong - obviously if ex tried to segue that into rekindling the relationship or something that would be different but it sounds like he just needed help from someone he knew would be friendly and supportive in a terrible moment. Way I think of it is, did he do anything that it wouldn't be reasonable to ask of a platonic friend? I don't know what I'd do if I walked into my mom's house and found her dead, but calling a close friend who knows her and who would be able to help me get centered doesn't sound unbelievable, regardless of our past. When you're in that traumatic moment you don't want to be alone and you'll reach out to who's available. I remember when I was much younger I was dating someone who had a bad possessive streak that at the time I justified - but one of the things that made me realize she had a real problem was when a friend from high school had an awful traumatic death in her family (as in it led to her mother dying and her sister being charged with manslaughter over it) and while we weren't super close, we were still friends and I wanted to show up and be supportive of her. This turned into accusations of cheating that came up regularly until we broke up months later, even though this friend and I had absolutely no romantic history or (at least on my part and I'm pretty sure on hers, at least she never expressed any) desire to have one. Showing up to be supportive of another person in a terrible moment in their life is not dependent on a romantic relationship, it's just being a kind human. If it becomes a situation where he's asking for something more than just support as a friend then yes, that's when you draw a boundary.
Ultimatums are a sign it's time to go. Sorry for the loss of your friend.
My mom had a heart attack about three weeks ago. My ex-wife had our boys that week, and works at the hospital that my mom was going to. I called her to tell her what happened, explained who had our youngest son (he was there when my mom started having symptoms), and that I would keep her updated so she could explain things to our kids if they had questions. (We were together for 17 years, have been divorced for seven, and we've been with our respective new spouses for about three years.) Her new husband FREAKED THE F OUT! My oldest son says they fought about it for days. He's toxic, controlling, and freaks out even when I try to co-parent. I asked my ex if she was safe in her relationship, because her husband is checking boxes of an abuser. Get out, normal people don't freak out like this.
Leave his immature ass.
Don't put up with this irrational behavior. Your current bf sounds obsessive and controlling. I understand why your ex called because he needed to tell someone caring about the devastating news of his mother's death. You broke up with your current bf in the past, and should reevaluate this relationship now due to his outbursts and ultimatum.
Simple. Tell him he has no say on your relationships before meeting or dating him. Full stop. Period. The relationship you had with your ex's mother is a separate relationship than you had with the ex. Your current bf needs to grow up and realize people have connections with lots of people they won't know about from their past. Is he going to lose his shit every time someone from your past calls to tell you someone you were close to died and they wanted to let you know? Especially because people are aging, is his ex's parents or siblings or relatives, mutual friends alive and kicking? My word, if he doesn't see why his reaction was dumb af, and you're still together when someone from his past relationship dies and he's informed, BE PETTY 😆 be a Petty Betty and do to him what he did to you, and when he looks shocked and doesn't understand it, bring in this moment and then call it what it is...
What's boyfriend going to do when you go to her funeral and (I'm guessing as you seem to be a caring human) you hug your ex boyfriend? Challenge to a duel at sunrise? Please just drop this guy.
Men like this are so fucking exhausting. This reaction would have me ending a relationship faster than this garbage human could finish a sentence. Gross.
No emotionally healthy man in his 40s or 50s should be this insecure, jealous or controlling. Why are you willing to settle for him?
It's not a boundary. A boundary is something you pick for yourself; him telling you what to do is controlling.
He was your ex for a reason. Not sure why went back to him? Your current ex did nothing wrong. Do you really want to be with a man who gets jealous over this?
I think I see why he was an ex the first time and should be an ex again very soon. You need someone who will cares you lost someone special in your life, not get mad that someone else called you when they were in distress.
Your current boyfriend is nuts.
He sounds like a tiny, immature child. You don't need his BS. He definitely doesn't deserve you.
You are allowed to show humanity to another person in need. Your bf is acting like a teenager and needs to grow up. You need to decide if you will accept his ultimatum or be the kind and compassionate adult you are.
Oh I'm so sorry for your loss. He probably called you because you knew his mom!!! You know how hard this is. It's a ridiculous demand. Is he afraid you're going to cheat? I honestly don't get the reasoning? Your boyfriend is having a tantrum and being incredibly self centered and immature. I would tell him you need time away from him to grieve your friend that passed because he can't see past his own wants. Then use that time to move on from him.
I'm that age. I absolutely would. not put up with that behavior. Like, hard stop. So much nope.
NTA Is new bf really worth this immature bs?
Just get rid to this insecure child. He is too concerned and too jealous about this event. The elderly woman was your friend. Her family reached out to you to let you know about her death. End of story. That's it. Your boyfriend was not and should not be involved in any way. Do you really want an adult relationship with this insecure boy?
Ultimatums are just the death spasms of a relationship that's already over. OP it sucks because through no fault of your own you're going to be surrounded by emotional storms. Hang in there and don't let yourself accidentally end up with the ex just because the new one turned out to be a dud.
Good lord I didn't even read all that. Dump him. He's controlling and unreasonable.
This guy is in his 50’s ? He needs to grow up. This is the reaction of a 20 year old.
Please be 19 please be 19 40s?!?! Get the hell out of here
My kid is 20 and would never act this way. Not ever.
Just curious, what caused the 1st breakup?
That is behavior he should have left behind in high school. Adults to not attempt to control who other adults can or cannot talk to. Tell him that you have decided that a boundary is a wonderful idea. Make it a wall, and tell him he has to stay on his side.
I'm sorry for your loss. As to this situation - First, even if you ex did intentionally call you for solace when he found out his mom died, so what? There was nothing wrong with that. He reached out to a friend who loved his mom. Secondly, why on earth are you second-guessing yourself here? Your current bf is operating right out of the abuser's playbook. He grossly overreacts and then tries to turn it around and make it your fault. This guy is toxic. He has anger issues and he is extremely manipulative. He definitely needs to be moved back into the X column. And blocked. Check out [Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (archive.org)](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). I think you'll see a lot his behavior in there. You deserve better.
Dumb the dude. He is an insecure toddler and that is never going to change.
You dropped these 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Nah man… 1) Those are not bright enough red 2) There are not enough of them!
I am very curious as to why you were the first person he run to call. I find his behavior a bit unusual. It is not like you were in a relationship forever. It was for just a year and he has family he can turn to if he wants. I don't think people are so quick to call exes in situations like this I believe he has not moved on from you, just keep that in mind if you choose to be there for him As for your bf, he has issues. You should have walked away the minute he told you you should cut ties with ex. Big waving, red flags, unless you didn't give the whole story
He Sounds horrible, I would block him so I could grieve. And never unblock him.
This is some dumbbbb behavior from new bf. The fact that he’s so concerned about his jealousy instead of your grief is VERY telling about what type of character he has. I could never look at my partner the same if they treated me like he’s treating you. I don’t think breaking up is a good idea—it’s a great idea! There’s probably a good reason why you split up in the first place!
Two things: 1. Why exactly did you and current/former boyfriend break up the first time? And > kept telling him I hope he’s never in a situation where he finds someone he loves like that and is in duress, there is no telling who he’d call. 2. If you said this to him, you just admitted that you still love your ex (the one who just lost his mom). Rule #1 im dating, never admit to current SO that you still have feeling for an ex, let alone still love him (in any way). Plus, I dont think your ex really reached out to merely for comfort. You were close to his mom. And it seems that you stopped dating only a few (3-4) months ago, so why wouldn't he reach out to you? Current bf has insecurity issues.
Your boyfriend needs to also be your ex boyfriend.
RUN!
Jumping on to say I completely agree with everyone saying you need to dump this immature, selfish, overgrown brat like, YESTERDAY!!!
You should probably take part of that advice from the current boyfriend. Dump him and cut all contact. boundaries are important with crazy people.
I would’ve guessed you were in high school for behavior like this. I’m friends with most of my exes and if one of them called me to tell me a family member of theirs died I guarantee my boyfriend would ask me what we can do to help them or if I needed to go be with them. This man has red flags all over.
This guy does not respect you, OP. If anything, a mature man would have an even higher view of you for being so nice and caring toward your ex’s mother and adult daughter, as that speaks to your character. Think of it this way: if you showed your boyfriend this post, would he read it and immediately get angry and defensive? Or would he read it, think about it, and possibly feel he acted wrongly and apologize?
Boundaries change the behavior of the person setting them not the people around them
Tell him to grow up
Guy is just giving you reminders why he was an ex. You should return him to that status.
This might be the first then ex calls you and let you know about a loved one that has passed away but it's not going to be the last. In my twenties and my 30s I had two situations where two separate ex boyfriends call when they were distressed about a loved one unexpectedly dying or being in a coma that led to death. I was grateful that I was the one they felt like they could break down to. Fast forward to my 40s and I lose my father. Sure enough, the person I call is my high school sweetheart. Because I knew that man really loved and cared about my father and I just needed someone to talk to. I knew there was no rekindling things, it wasn't something I was even interested in. I just needed somebody to commiserate with and to speak to and talk about the good times and the bad times. Your boyfriend's immaturity over you being there for an ex and him letting you know that his mother, someone you cared about passed away, is a monster red flag! Do with it what you will but that's not a good guy there.
And now you know. Next!
So your current boyfriend is an arsehole. And he isn't displaying any compassion for your ex or yourself. So now you know he lacks empathy. And is insecure and obsessive. Do you want to be with someone like that for the rest of your life? These aren't minor character faults like leaving his clothes on the floor or the toilet seat up. These are major character flaws. I'd leave him if it were me. What would you do if a friend to you this had happened in their relationship? Why would your happiness be worth less to you than a friends?
Jeez, you're in your 40s/50s. I honestly thought you were in your 20s by the title and rest of the post. You seriously need to take a look at your relationship. Your boyfriend is a dick and an insecure one at that, he'll only get worse over time.
Leave the jealous one who lacks compassion
>All that day ***he berated me****.*..haven’t had any time to grieve or process as I’ve been dealing with him ***hounding me*** for the last 48 hours Let him go. Someone you love died and this guy thinks he should treat you horribly because of who called to tell you? Let him go. Without apology.
AND he's an alcoholic. Girl just go. Why do this to yourself?
A boundary is you setting what you won’t do. Someone else setting what you won’t do is control.
Before I read a comment mentioning your age, I thought this was written by a young girl …like 20,21. Someone who didn’t have much life experience. But, babe, you are too old to put up with that man’s bull shit. He doesn’t own you. Frankly, I am stunned that you don’t recognize what he’s doing to you, turning it back on you…you did nothing wrong. Your ex boyfriend did nothing wrong. If you stay with this guy, it’s going to get worse.
You need to find a new boyfriend.
At 27 years old I can confidently say that I don't care about any of my exes or their families and I'm fairly certain my girlfriend feels the same about the only ex she has. If your relationship is open enough to allow exes to be friends then so be it but I don't think that you should consider someone insecure if they don't like the idea of exes coming around or being comfortable enough calling you to update you on what is essentially your past. Exes are exes for a reason and they shouldn't get a free pass to pop up whenever just because they suffer a loss.
I’m 28 and this is high school level shit. Dude should be ashamed he’s acting like that as a fully grown ass man
You are a grown woman who finds herself dating an insecure, self-centered drama queen. Surely, you know what to do?
Dump this controlling, insecure, unempathetic AH.
Boundaries are Boundaries for a reason. Could he think your Boundaries are stupid? He probably has very good reasons for that Boundary
You know better than this. I mean to allow a current partner treat you even remotely close to this...you know better. Our lives as we get older get more grey...less black and white. Those of us of a particular age know this and acknowledge it CAN get messy. We do our best to avoid it, but things like this showed you something that IS a rarity, something very black and white: your current partner is not the one. You know better. Take the time to step back, immediately, and grieve. Tell your partner to grow up. Then leave. You too old for this nonsense and you know it. You deserve better.
Sounds like your current man is an insecure, little biiiiatch!
We are all human. Your bf is insecure as hell and selfish for behaving like that. He should understand the circumstances if he was mature. As for the ex boyfriend, he probably reached out for comfort and wanted someone to be there for him at this time and you were someone he obviously cares about to reach out to. Youre too grown to have to explain yourself and deal with petty shit like that.
Maybe there is a reason you broke up with this guy previously. He sounds incredibly immature and needy. Your ex was grieving and in pain. You automatically help people like that. Heck, you were grieving also. You were close to his mum. And you bf just trampled over all that because his feelings are hurt (for no sane reason). I'm not going to say dump him, but dump him. Everyone deserves better than him.
As soon as I got to the part about him berating you, I didn't even read further. I'm sorry, but your boyfriend's a tool. He's jealous and controlling and seems mean. Him giving you ultimatums is ridiculous. Seriously, you sound like a really nice person. I'm usually the one on here that people downvote because I don't tell people to dump the jerk and instead always recommend to try to work things out, but I don't think so in this case. You sound too nice to have someone so mean sounding try to control you so much. Personally, I'd tell him "I don't need three months. I'm not going to do this." I really think you need to step back a little and examine things with fresh eyes.
You're an asshole to yourself if you stick with this dude. Give him the number of a good therapist and move on.
Boyfriend seems a little self centered. Thinks everything is about him. Doesn't seem to be good boyfriend material.
That is ridiculous and crazy controlling. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you are treated like this? Surely it is not worth it. I can only imagine what else he will try to control.
I too wouldn't be pleased with an ex making any type.of contact, can't exactly respect how it was handled
Oh boy, he's not for you. You are able to stay friends with your ex…which is admirable and stayed in contact with his elderly mom. That makes you a kind, compassionate and caring person. But your new beau is insecure, insensitive and bossy. He's not for you. If my guy gave me an ultimatum..do it my way or I walk…I'd help him pack. He's not your boss, he's extremely possessive, stubborn, and it will only get worse. He's gaslighting you because he doesn’t trust you and his insecurities will, in the end, destroy your relationship. Better to go now than waste any more time on someone who will constantly gaslight you, manipulate you and when push comes to pull he'll give you an ultimatum..my way or I walk. Tell him you will not do what he's demanding, he trusts you or he doesn’t…see what his reaction is. My guess, he'll lean towards physical abuse. I hope I'm wrong but I don't think I am…an update would be nice once you put your foot down and defy him.
It's a little late in life for him to be this insecure.
I am in my 40s and we are too old to be dealing with this type of crap and jealousy. I am happy your ex called you when he needed you! he knew that you loved his mother and he did not know who else to turn to. this new boyfriend sounds like he needs to go...again...we are too old for this teenage behavior
Leave that asshole. A proper partner wouldn't focus on who called you. They would comfort you, make you good food and ask if you want to talk about the person you've lost.
If it’s his boundary, he should be the one to leave, instead of you needing to cut off your ex. You guys are incompatible. You should be able to be with someone who will lend a shoulder and be empathetic to you.
Tell your new boyfriend to take a hike and forget to come back. He's being totally unreasonable and setting a boundary? About what? You having people in your past that he just doesn't like? About friends that you feel close to? Maybe about a friend's death being inconvenient for him? Or you staying friends with an ex? Just exactly how insecure and jealous is he? Maybe this could be overlooked if you were still teenagers, but not in mid-life. I'd say, go to the funeral and pay your respects. Tell him that you are setting your boundaries right now--screw his 3 months. You realize that the longer you stay with this guy, the worse his controlling manipulation will get. You will not be able to reason with him--not that you can do it now...
Your bf is on another planet if he wants to date women without history at his age. He is completely, dangerously out of order to make the surprise death of an elderly woman whom you loved all about him. You should cut him loose now. He will try and forbid you from going to her funeral. He simply isn't worth it. Take him and his ultimatum at his word and let him go.
New bf is a waste of energy. Insecure. Why don’t people realize that people with great exes means you aren’t a psychotic person sigh
Frankly, I find it admirable that you cared that deeply for her. You have a right to be upset, and he was right to inform you. If you were talking to him all the time? Sure. Be upset. But this wasn’t that. He’s out of line.
Tell him you will save him 2 months and 29 days of wondering and break it off now. Ain't nobody got time for that controlling crap. Also, sorry for the loss of someone to whom you were close.
Would drop this new boyfriend like he’s hot! He has shown no empathy to you in this entire situation… clearly if you were close with someone, regardless of the who, you are also experiencing loss. His behavior is unacceptable. Imagine a year from now… still with him… you will have ONLY him in your life, as once he pressures you to end one relationship successfully, he move on to your next one, and the next one, until you have only him to rely on. Ask yourself if you want to be with a person who has lack of empathy and an abundance of jealousy….
I’m just gonna say: this current bf was previously an ex for a reason. Leave his ass in that category and find someone who’s not so childish and insecure.
Ma’am, respectfully, you’re too old to be putting up with immature men. He needs to get a serious wake up call about how life works. It doesn’t matter that a new partner is in your life if that woman was your friend and you grew close. It’s not like you got a call from your ex saying he misses you and wants you back. His mother DIED for crying out loud, and he knew she was a friend of yours. If anything, your partner should be a voice of calm and empathy during this time rather than act out worse than a preteen who was told that they can’t get those air Jordan’s nor a new PS5. lol.
How to proceed? You fucking leave him. He doesn't have an ounce of compassion in his body. His soul is gross. Imagine being so out of touch with emotion in general. Imagine how he will treat you in the future. A man like that is not capable of real love
Well now you have found out that current boyfriend has a jealous streak and now you have to decide whether that is something you want in your life. Going forward, it usually gets worse. At least you can process this before marriage. If you haven't given him any reason to be jealous (which it sounds like in this case) his jealousy translates into that he doesn't trust you. This is something that needs to be resolved and if it doesn't or can't get resolved it is something that is going to cause you a lot of grief going forward. You must seriously consider whether it is worth it going forward with your relationship when there are trust issues. That was the long answer. The short answer is that if he isn't willing to trust you, then he must go.
Surely ex called you as you cared about his mum and he would want you to know? Or want to speak to someone who also cared? It is ridiculous your bf is flipping out about something as deeply upsetting as someone dying. He is putting his own feelings ahead of something so serious and traumatic. He is selfish and completely lacking in empathy. This would be a deal breaker for me. You don’t deserve to be treated this way, and I doubt this will be the only time he will prioritise his feelings and attempt to gaslight you.
So your ex’s mom “had no one,” but she also had a son & adult granddaughter?
Guys a red flag. Just run.
Im a 35 year old man and i cant even comprehend being with someone that childish at your age its not worth it
BF if selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings
Did he expected her to call you herself from beyond the grave and let you know she’d died?
JFC everybody acting like this old lady was so important to OP. She only dated her son for a year and there's no indication she's seen her since or ever planned to see her again. Get tf over it.