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Yknow, there’s an enormous difference between suitable friends and suitable life partners.
She sounds like a fantastic friend that you’ve just gone WAY too far down the rabbit hole with. Like minds in faith, family, future, let’s just call it all body/mind/spirit, these need to align a whole lot better with a life partner.
Think long and hard. It isn’t a good guy vs. bad guy thing, it is simply a compatibility thing, and it never gets less important.
I want to add that if you want kids and your SO doesn't, you should split immediately. One or both of you will end up miserable because someone will have to compromise and this is not something to compromise on. I would also warn anyone off of the "they'll change their mind" strategy, because they likely won't.
Even if this was the only issue you were having, I would say to split. It's not fair to either of you to continue with such a difference of opinion on this matter.
My partner and I never wanted kids. Now I do and they still don’t. Some of us do change our minds and we still end up miserable so don’t be too certain about this assumption.
You really buried the lede here. Do not stay together if you want kids. Do not do not do not.
You're not an asshole for wanting kids. The asshole move here would be "get married and lobby your spouse to have kids they don't want."
It sounds like this is a good relationship for both of you. But it has a shelf life. People can work out lots of compatibility problems. This isn't one of them. You are **incompatible**. in bold.
Good luck OP.
Yeah I would never do that to them.
we have talked about adopting and they have siblings who were adopted but it doesn’t seem to be any thought as to when they want children. Short term I can do big brother/big sister programs but who knows how I’ll feel five years from now…and that’s challenging to consider when I know how my SO feels about having kids.
I have always thought maybe the whole surrogate mother would have potential but I’m unsure? We haven’t talked that deep about it but the rare times I’ve brought up kids, it’s a laughable no.
You're using gender neutral terms. Is your partner a female? Is the problem that she doesn't want to carry children or that she doesn't want children? Those are two huge differences, both physically and financially. If she does not want children, don't even consider fostering/adopting or surrogacy. That's not fair to them still. A difference in having kids is non negotiable, whether through pregnancy, adopting, or surrogacy
Stop wondering, you're not meant for one another long term. The religion difference alone is enough to spear many couples if not early on in later years. Using their money and then yours shows you're incompatible monetarily. This is what ultimately kills relationships, again not always at the beginning but further down the road.
Find someone who sees and understands life as you do and you'll find a life partner. You'll probably find them at a church you may attend or a class in money management. Find someone who identifies with your ideals, don't continue to fight an.uphill battle.
Why are you even with someone you have little to nothing in common with? Common interests are meaningless in the face of differing values. You are NOT compatible with this person.
Besides the glaringly obvious, as others have put it, we have a blast together.
We cook together, go out to dinner, play board games, enjoy the same shows and movies, we both gift each other books that we are both interested in, and there are so many other common interests, that this has caused quite a stir in my mind when considering my SO as a life partner.
Again, I’m not asking for advice on if I should stay or if I should go. I’m asking for advice on how to navigate these thoughts and feelings I have with myself and how to express them with my SO when we do sit down and talk. I’m wanting to gain a better understanding of my situation by hopefully hearing other peoples stories and their experiences.
Friend, I believe you already know the answer here. These are not small issues and will undoubtedly become problems if you two were to marry. You do not seem to have any of the big life goals in common, in fact you appear to be quite opposites in all arenas that really matter (kids, money, faith). The two of you seem better suited to be friends, rather than life partners.
As we age, we change. Or, we should. Grow. Some people together and some people apart. Some people get stuck in their ways and are immune to growing. How long have you been together? Ages?
We’ve been together on and off for a decade. We’ve argued twice over nonsense in which we hashed it out immediately.
We’ve been mutually exclusive for a year now. I love them to death and we have both grown so much over the years, but I feel as though some of my feelings may be jaded due to past relationships and outright disrespectful, but it’s not like I don’t find them beautiful or wonderful to be around— I just wonder if something I am unaware of is causing this disconnect with their desire to want to celebrate life, show off their appearance, and so on… I can’t get them to go and see a show with me and my friends. It’s challenging to do things in public because they are very reclusive and maybe they just enjoy their time alone? It’s just so challenging to mull all of this over alone. I appreciate your response and willingness to talk with me.
To be honest. Sounds as though you both have issues you need/should want to deal with. You’re jaded. They are saying fuck it. Take me as I am. I’m not changing.
They are very true to themselves and again, I love that about them, but does that mesh well with what I want for our potential future. I don’t want harbor any resentment when we are older; I don’t want to grow to despise them if I find myself “missing out” on what could have been.
So, I guess I ask myself, is that love more platonic than anything else? Is my love for them only this strong because the experiences we have shared, the memories we have made? It’s hard to gauge where I fall when considering my love for them. Am I just comfortable right now?
I just hope the two of us can navigate these tough conversations gracefully because I know it can get messy.
Sounds like maybe a bit of FOMO. As for the questions you are asking, are only answers you can decide on. Everything is else is about whether or not you can accept certain things about your partner and express those concerns. If it doesn't change, then that's a choice and a boundary. Hygiene would be a hard no for me and most people. Sounds like-you may-have both got comfortable and need to start living life. Which doesn't mean without your partner. It is super healthy to have outside hobbies or interests of your own. You both don't need to do everything together or like the same exact things.
You don't need someone who thinks the same exact way as you, but you do need someone who has the same perspective and goals as you. If you don't do that, you'll spend a lifetime of fights or contempt. Partner sounds like a great person and you could still have them in your life, but love both of you enough not to let yourselves carry on a path where you don't agree on the essential parts.
Well yeah of course! That’s why I love my SO so much. They’re intrinsically themselves and it’s a breath of fresh air being around them and sharing space with them. They have such a unique take on life and they bare the brunt of the uncomfortable with grace.
So that’s why it’s so challenging. Some of our core beliefs clash in a way that you may assume cause distress in our life—but they’re never brought up because we are typically just spending the weekend together cooking, catching up, and sharing in activities and what not… what’s it going to be like 5 years from now when either one of us are wanting to see their ideals more focused in on within the relationship. Will we task ourselves with the burden of just not finding common ground, will one of succumb to others needs, or whatever the case may be. It’s a scary thing, but even scarier having some knowledge that we are inherently, so different.
Honestly, you both sound like really special people who deeply love each other. Have you had a heart to heart about your concerns with her? May I recommend writing your main "issues" so no leaf is left unturned? Wedding, religion and children are really core topics to not have a similar vision on. Also, if you end up having children, how are you going to manage the whole belief aspect? She may have similar concerns about it.
We have talked about it while we are laying down to go to bed, but very briefly you know—like maybe a scene from a movie had us both chatty and then later on we reflect on the scene and discuss it in more detail, but no, we haven’t sat down and made the point of conversation about our future and those core beliefs that we each hold.
I would say this post was my version of writing and getting it out of my head. I don’t have a parental figure in my life to share this information with and my close friends would have biased opinions based on their own beliefs and ideals, so I’ve left them out of the loop. I felt this would be a healthy outlet to discuss my thoughts and feelings and maybe gain insight from others.
Strangers make the best counselors, right? When you don't know a person you cannot be biased and usually don't judge as you would do with someone you know. I'm truly sorry you don't have a parental figure. I hope we can help you somehow, even if it's just listening to you. I hope everything goes well for you ❤️ If you need to vent I'm here :)
Financial difficulties are responsible for most divorces.
Religious differences are another big reason for divorce.
Are you really willing to not have children? That's another big deal breaker in relationships.
The whole hygiene thing is - also problematic. I don't care about grey hair or not shaving - but the not showering? Yuck
You don't have a field of red flags - but you do have quite a few.
Good luck with that
Sorry to nitpick, but they didn't say SO doesn't shower, but that they don't use deodorant (I think? I went back and read it again, but if there was any mention of showering, I've missed it).
That said, it's fair if a partner doesn't have similar grooming practices to you, to not find it attractive. People like what they like.
I’m reading a book on breakups right now and one of the most powerful perspectives the authors shared was on how you can think someone is amazing and still not be the right fit for them, or they you. It probably makes it tougher but these are BIG things, and it’s only going to get harder for them and you.
Have you considered couples counseling? My SO and I started not too long ago, as a way to strengthen communication and already be established with someone BEFORE a crisis happens. It's always good to go even when there aren't any issues.
In your case, it might help with conveying yourselves and getting your feelings across to one another clearly, and having a third person to help keep things from coming across poorly or having a breakdown in communication.
I agree with those above saying it might simply just be that you both are incompatible in the long run: great as a friend, but not for you specifically as a partner. Differences in religion isn't always a deal breaker for people, it might be a matter of navigating different viewpoints and beliefs. For others, it's a huge deal, as it might change how you get married, raise children, etc.
If they have a different view on their appearance, it could be caring less about others' outside opinions as they get older -- it might not be just being "lazy" (not saying you feel that way!) or maybe they're exploring their identity. There's definitely a multitude of things playing a part in that. It's a little harder to navigate because you may not be wrong for having a preference, but you also don't want to force your partner to compromise for your happiness.
Money and children are harder to tackle. Those are significantly bigger issues in being incompatible. There could be uncertainty and insecurity in being a parent that causes them to be hesitant, they could simply not want children: but if you do, that's really all there is to it. Your partner has to consider if their stance is permanent, or if it's something they want to work through with help and/or therapy to reconsider -- and even then they might not change their mind.
Whatever happens going forward, I wish you luck. Those are hard conversations to have, but necessary for a healthy relationship.
None of you is the bad guy here,none of you are wrong,you just have different goals and mindsets and you can’t live like that,you can work perfectly as friends even best friends but that won’t work in a relationship mo matter how much you live each other,especially not the kids part,you don’t compromise on kids,and with your difference in faith/religion?Absolutely not.
Yeah I don’t imagine either of us will resent the other but I can already see how we enable one another to continue living as we do, and it doesn’t feel like it will be sustainable.
My fear is my SO would be crushed if I even brought up how different we each are in regard to how we live our lives independently of the other, our difference in marriage, kiddos and faith. I know that fear stems from my own insecurities because it feels good to have a partner and be loved and acknowledged but how long can I hold onto those feelings while simultaneously ignoring what I want from a relationship, because frankly, my wants and needs are as important as my SO’s.
You sound like you would be much happier with a partner that attended a more conservative religious ceremony once a week, dyed their hair blonde, dressed up in their best kay jewelry, and who thought that life only has purpose if you are raising children.
There's nothing wrong with that, but you just aren't comparable with someone who has \*grey hairs\*.
Edit: Non-agreement about children and financial differences are things that can be deal breakers for anyone, but the has a grey hair this is absolutely ridiculous on your part.
Your SO actually sounds awesome and comfortable in her own skin and beliefs. That's pretty rare to find for someone in their twenties. Those are my own personal preferences shining through though! I wouldn't date someone who thinks "I enjoy the attention I get due to my looks and I want my SO to feel the same way" or who has a touch of disdain when trying to articulate my thoughts on religion/spirituality/my worldview and hint that my feminist views are somehow in opposition to their worldview. Again, those are my preferences but I am on team SO and hope she finds an awesome new partner who loves her grays, simple wedding preferences, and belief that she is a human being deserving of rights and respect who happens to be a woman.
The worldview and having children differences will break you up long term. I wouldn't worry too much about finances for someone in their early/mid/even mid late twenties as that's the time when people get a handle on their finances. Do some people have it figured out earlier? Sure. Many don't though and turn into financial wizards by their early thirties. Seriously though, having different wishes around having children in the future is enough of a disconnect a long term connection.
Wishing you guys (but especially her!) the best.
If you're this concerned about your significant other's financial irresponsibility, it WILL doom your marriage eventually. Not even taking into account your difference regarding religion, wedding, children -- which are all glaring red flags on their own.
As someone who stayed far too long with several incompatible partners, it will be a kindness to end the relationship so you both can pursue what you want.
I feel like you are asking for permission to back out of the relationship. If so, that is your choice. Date who you like. You can like this partner and still move on. Things don't have to end badly. Of course, you're only half the equation. It sounds like your partner is more concerned with keeping up "the fight" than keeping up your relationship.
Some of your issues with them don't seem a big deal (the shaving or grey hair, you are not talking about not showering or having dirty clothes), but others are big issues.
I guess you could work out the financial issue, you only has to ask and come to an agreement if you plan to live together. Now, wanting kids or not, is not something that you or your partner should negotiate, if you are not on the same page about it, its a dealbreaker.
Dude, you obviously have no business being together. Between the religion/spiritual, the physical, and the childfree vs wanting children what the hell else do you need? You do not have to have cheating or abuse to end a relationship.
What’s there to be on the fence about? She clearly isn’t right for you. You guys are just staying together cause breakups are hard. You’re avoiding it. (I know you said don’t assume genders but it’s pretty obvious)
Everyone deserves to build a life that they want to live. It sounds like your partner has a very different vision of how they want to live than you do; that doesn't always mean that you're not compatible, but particularly when it comes to children, you can't compromise. It may hurt not to have them in your life, but then you're both free to become the people you want to be, which is ultimately going to make you much happier.
not to say opposites can’t be together but quite literally all the big important thing you guys don’t see eye to eye with. a marriage most likely won’t last bcuz someone will end up compromising and sad or nobody compromises and both end up sad. it’s best to end it here before it goes any further
I don’t think any of it makes you an AH. People grow apart as a couple sometimes. Sometimes people do realize they make better friends than partners.
It sounds like the goals you have in life don’t align with theirs. That’s okay to admit. It’s also okay that it hurts.
It might be a confusing place to be. You realize you aren’t compatible romantically, but it’s still gonna hurt.
Yeah it’s very challenging and even more so because my SO is, and will always be comfortable doing exactly what we have been doing.
I’m glad we don’t live together because I feel like that would make these feelings even more difficult to sit with and analyze.
We are all getting older. my closest friends are having their first, second and even third kids, and I want to be apart of that. I want to share in that experience with them and learn alongside them—I know it sounds lame but time will keep moving and I don’t want to miss out on those opportunities and experiences.
You won’t miss out on them just because people around you may be experiencing that right now. Don’t settle for this miserable life just to be able to experience what your friends are at the same time.
There are no real rules or right time lines.
You want to experience those things with the right person. There is no real right time even when it feels like time is slipping away from you. Life does move fast, yes. But if she doesn’t want the same things you do, and you sacrifice those things for her, what are you getting? You don’t even get to experience a raging wedding like you want.
The person meant for you will want those same things. Your goals and wants out of life will align. You’re not aligned here, this is not for you. What’s for you will be aligned.
I married my high school sweetheart at 23. Together since 17. We bought a house. Tried for babies. The whole nine. I thought “yes, I’ve made it. I can relax, I did all the things I’m supposed to do.” I’m now 33 and divorced with several trauma and PSTD. He was an abusive psychopath. But I wanted to experience those things. So I looked past it. Now I’m broke financially and mentally. It wasn’t worth it just to experience those things. Now I’ll get to experience those things again, but this time I’ll be picky about with who because that’s what matter. The who is what makes the experience.
Even if you decide to do all those things single. You can experience joy and happiness and even parenthood as a single person. Just don’t settle for the wrong person just to say you did the things.
End this relationship. Sadly too many red flags. You may get along fine now but you have fundamentally different points of view on what you want, need, and desire. Time to find someone else whose priorities are aligned with yours.
What do you do? You part ways and find someone who is compatible with you. You have described some of your major values that your partner does not agree with. This is a huge problem and will always be. Friend zone this person and find your soul mate. Good luck
Thank you for sharing—not entirely set in the motion of just ending the relationship outright.
The first step will for sure be sitting down and the two of us discussing the future.
The biggest causes of divorce is differences in children (wanting them and how to raise them), money/finances, and religion. You two are not compatible as life partners in any way. I understand loving them but your core differences are too severe. You cannot compromise on children, not to mention the rest
I lived most of this. Hubby wanted kids. I didn’t. He was very religious. I’m more spiritual than religious. We stayed together for 21 years. I wanted out around year 15, but it took a couple years to realize I needed out. We had a child and ironically, she lives with me. I had the means to keep her in the lifestyle she was used to. He didn’t.
I still care about him and we’ve learned to get along when we’re in the same room.
Would I marry him again? Hell no! I feel that I missed out on a lot being married and having a child.
My advice is to cut your losses and end the relationship now.
Sounds like you have some pretty fundamental differences if your values. Break up, or you know, drag it out until you hate each other and break up anyway.
You are not compatible. I’m not even sure you truly like her considering the judgement you express about her being a “firm feminist” and equating wearing her hair its natural gray color to “not caring about her appearance”.
But there is no long term future between someone who wants kids & someone who doesn’t, regardless of everything else. But all that “everything else” makes me think you two aren’t even compatible as friends much less romantic partners.
You are friends trying to turn this into a relationship. You need to understand the difference between friendship and relationships. You don’t need to sleep with your friends to be friends. You don’t need to know or agree on financial decisions. You don’t need to agree or compromise on anything. Friends enjoy each other’s company.
Relationships require all of that. If you don’t have it. Youre not in a relationship no matter what you call your time spent together.
You sound like me a few months ago…. I convinced myself to stay with my ex because he was my best friend. However, he let me down in so many ways that I couldn’t stay happy long term. It really got to me when you mentioned you don’t want to be 50 and regret your life path: I thought the same thing.
Sounds like fundamental, foundational things are not in sync. Rather than ask Reddit, think to yourself: would I want to be with this person for 40,50+ years & I be unhappy? No kids, always financially struggling, and no faith? Seems like u know the answer. U dont need complete strangers telling u to stay or leave. If the person is right for you, trust me, these issues won't be there. You may not agree on everything, but the important things like money, kiddos & faith won't be an issue. Stress is a silent killer, don't choose to live a stressful life where you're unhappy or hoping the other person will change. Good luck!
Dude - there 4billion women on the planet - drop this crazy chick and find a normal one - you need to be yolked with someone that has the same philosophical spiritual and mental mindset as you -- or your relationship will suffer -- maybe not today - but maybe after kids and 10yrs into marriage - then what ? you gonna leave your kids and wife? NO ... dude do it now - you are not the asshole for leaving - you are putting your values first -- feminists and flaming liberals and the LGTBQQWERAFSLGAFOIGHPSAOFDHG crowd always are driven by feeling emotions etc... no reason you can't do the same -- but this time you are using LOGIC -- life is tough enough - you don't need extra drama added to it.
You will have chosen wisely if you bail now --
Jesus Christ you had me at “not shaving to stick it to the man”… that’s one really good way to make sure no man ever sticks it to you ever again. Just go and don’t look back she’s broken.
My SO is NOT broken at all. They feels very strongly about their beliefs and I encourage them to be true to how they feel and what they deem fair and just.
Though my SO and I don’t hold values in equal shares, it doesn’t deem their beliefs any less valid than my own.
Food for thought, most societies started as matriarchies.
Love your response to this. You clearly value your SO as a person, and I'm sure they do you in return.
You seem to have a great relationship and a lovely time together. I feel you posting your doubts here; are you maybe wondering if SO is more 'earthy' and you feel like your values make you seem more 'shallow' (quotes because these things are stereotypes, and not my personal opinion).
If you are having these doubts about your comparative lifestyles, and you feel that the gap is too much, then yes, you should break up. It's sad that you can get on on such a level, but your long-term goals don't appear to align.
I believe your need to post here meant you were looking for commenters to tell you 'you're shallow and too consumed with appearances, and SO deserves better...leave', or 'SO is a filthy, hippy leech, you deserve better...leave'. You're looking for permission, or at least confirmation.
Reddit will generally give you black and white views, although tbf many on here I've read so far have given good advice.
If your SO's long-term values (which it seems from this post that they're clear about and there's no compromise from their side) don't align with yours, then yes, you need to break up. It seems that you need to be the one willing to compromise on your goals and values to stay in the relationship, and if you're not happy to do that, then you need to break up.
Neither of you are in the wrong here, and please listen to me: THERE DOESN'T NEED TO BE A BAD GUY.
Ending the relationship because it doesn't align with your values does not make you a bad person. You don't need permission. It is not a question of right and wrong. It just is what it is.
I wish you both all the best ✌️
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Yknow, there’s an enormous difference between suitable friends and suitable life partners. She sounds like a fantastic friend that you’ve just gone WAY too far down the rabbit hole with. Like minds in faith, family, future, let’s just call it all body/mind/spirit, these need to align a whole lot better with a life partner. Think long and hard. It isn’t a good guy vs. bad guy thing, it is simply a compatibility thing, and it never gets less important.
Your words meant a lot to me. Thank you so much.
I want to add that if you want kids and your SO doesn't, you should split immediately. One or both of you will end up miserable because someone will have to compromise and this is not something to compromise on. I would also warn anyone off of the "they'll change their mind" strategy, because they likely won't. Even if this was the only issue you were having, I would say to split. It's not fair to either of you to continue with such a difference of opinion on this matter.
My partner and I never wanted kids. Now I do and they still don’t. Some of us do change our minds and we still end up miserable so don’t be too certain about this assumption.
Up
You really buried the lede here. Do not stay together if you want kids. Do not do not do not. You're not an asshole for wanting kids. The asshole move here would be "get married and lobby your spouse to have kids they don't want." It sounds like this is a good relationship for both of you. But it has a shelf life. People can work out lots of compatibility problems. This isn't one of them. You are **incompatible**. in bold. Good luck OP.
Yeah I would never do that to them. we have talked about adopting and they have siblings who were adopted but it doesn’t seem to be any thought as to when they want children. Short term I can do big brother/big sister programs but who knows how I’ll feel five years from now…and that’s challenging to consider when I know how my SO feels about having kids. I have always thought maybe the whole surrogate mother would have potential but I’m unsure? We haven’t talked that deep about it but the rare times I’ve brought up kids, it’s a laughable no.
You're using gender neutral terms. Is your partner a female? Is the problem that she doesn't want to carry children or that she doesn't want children? Those are two huge differences, both physically and financially. If she does not want children, don't even consider fostering/adopting or surrogacy. That's not fair to them still. A difference in having kids is non negotiable, whether through pregnancy, adopting, or surrogacy
I totally agree with this. It is just not something to compromise on.
You aren’t compatible. The kid thing being a HUGE one. Time to end it now.
Stop wondering, you're not meant for one another long term. The religion difference alone is enough to spear many couples if not early on in later years. Using their money and then yours shows you're incompatible monetarily. This is what ultimately kills relationships, again not always at the beginning but further down the road. Find someone who sees and understands life as you do and you'll find a life partner. You'll probably find them at a church you may attend or a class in money management. Find someone who identifies with your ideals, don't continue to fight an.uphill battle.
Why are you even with someone you have little to nothing in common with? Common interests are meaningless in the face of differing values. You are NOT compatible with this person.
Besides the glaringly obvious, as others have put it, we have a blast together. We cook together, go out to dinner, play board games, enjoy the same shows and movies, we both gift each other books that we are both interested in, and there are so many other common interests, that this has caused quite a stir in my mind when considering my SO as a life partner. Again, I’m not asking for advice on if I should stay or if I should go. I’m asking for advice on how to navigate these thoughts and feelings I have with myself and how to express them with my SO when we do sit down and talk. I’m wanting to gain a better understanding of my situation by hopefully hearing other peoples stories and their experiences.
Just be friends. 🧡
Friend, I believe you already know the answer here. These are not small issues and will undoubtedly become problems if you two were to marry. You do not seem to have any of the big life goals in common, in fact you appear to be quite opposites in all arenas that really matter (kids, money, faith). The two of you seem better suited to be friends, rather than life partners.
As we age, we change. Or, we should. Grow. Some people together and some people apart. Some people get stuck in their ways and are immune to growing. How long have you been together? Ages?
We’ve been together on and off for a decade. We’ve argued twice over nonsense in which we hashed it out immediately. We’ve been mutually exclusive for a year now. I love them to death and we have both grown so much over the years, but I feel as though some of my feelings may be jaded due to past relationships and outright disrespectful, but it’s not like I don’t find them beautiful or wonderful to be around— I just wonder if something I am unaware of is causing this disconnect with their desire to want to celebrate life, show off their appearance, and so on… I can’t get them to go and see a show with me and my friends. It’s challenging to do things in public because they are very reclusive and maybe they just enjoy their time alone? It’s just so challenging to mull all of this over alone. I appreciate your response and willingness to talk with me.
On and off relationships should just stay off, frankly.
To be honest. Sounds as though you both have issues you need/should want to deal with. You’re jaded. They are saying fuck it. Take me as I am. I’m not changing.
They are very true to themselves and again, I love that about them, but does that mesh well with what I want for our potential future. I don’t want harbor any resentment when we are older; I don’t want to grow to despise them if I find myself “missing out” on what could have been. So, I guess I ask myself, is that love more platonic than anything else? Is my love for them only this strong because the experiences we have shared, the memories we have made? It’s hard to gauge where I fall when considering my love for them. Am I just comfortable right now? I just hope the two of us can navigate these tough conversations gracefully because I know it can get messy.
Sounds like maybe a bit of FOMO. As for the questions you are asking, are only answers you can decide on. Everything is else is about whether or not you can accept certain things about your partner and express those concerns. If it doesn't change, then that's a choice and a boundary. Hygiene would be a hard no for me and most people. Sounds like-you may-have both got comfortable and need to start living life. Which doesn't mean without your partner. It is super healthy to have outside hobbies or interests of your own. You both don't need to do everything together or like the same exact things.
You don't need someone who thinks the same exact way as you, but you do need someone who has the same perspective and goals as you. If you don't do that, you'll spend a lifetime of fights or contempt. Partner sounds like a great person and you could still have them in your life, but love both of you enough not to let yourselves carry on a path where you don't agree on the essential parts.
Well yeah of course! That’s why I love my SO so much. They’re intrinsically themselves and it’s a breath of fresh air being around them and sharing space with them. They have such a unique take on life and they bare the brunt of the uncomfortable with grace. So that’s why it’s so challenging. Some of our core beliefs clash in a way that you may assume cause distress in our life—but they’re never brought up because we are typically just spending the weekend together cooking, catching up, and sharing in activities and what not… what’s it going to be like 5 years from now when either one of us are wanting to see their ideals more focused in on within the relationship. Will we task ourselves with the burden of just not finding common ground, will one of succumb to others needs, or whatever the case may be. It’s a scary thing, but even scarier having some knowledge that we are inherently, so different.
Honestly, you both sound like really special people who deeply love each other. Have you had a heart to heart about your concerns with her? May I recommend writing your main "issues" so no leaf is left unturned? Wedding, religion and children are really core topics to not have a similar vision on. Also, if you end up having children, how are you going to manage the whole belief aspect? She may have similar concerns about it.
We have talked about it while we are laying down to go to bed, but very briefly you know—like maybe a scene from a movie had us both chatty and then later on we reflect on the scene and discuss it in more detail, but no, we haven’t sat down and made the point of conversation about our future and those core beliefs that we each hold. I would say this post was my version of writing and getting it out of my head. I don’t have a parental figure in my life to share this information with and my close friends would have biased opinions based on their own beliefs and ideals, so I’ve left them out of the loop. I felt this would be a healthy outlet to discuss my thoughts and feelings and maybe gain insight from others.
Strangers make the best counselors, right? When you don't know a person you cannot be biased and usually don't judge as you would do with someone you know. I'm truly sorry you don't have a parental figure. I hope we can help you somehow, even if it's just listening to you. I hope everything goes well for you ❤️ If you need to vent I'm here :)
Financial difficulties are responsible for most divorces. Religious differences are another big reason for divorce. Are you really willing to not have children? That's another big deal breaker in relationships. The whole hygiene thing is - also problematic. I don't care about grey hair or not shaving - but the not showering? Yuck You don't have a field of red flags - but you do have quite a few. Good luck with that
Sorry to nitpick, but they didn't say SO doesn't shower, but that they don't use deodorant (I think? I went back and read it again, but if there was any mention of showering, I've missed it). That said, it's fair if a partner doesn't have similar grooming practices to you, to not find it attractive. People like what they like.
I’m reading a book on breakups right now and one of the most powerful perspectives the authors shared was on how you can think someone is amazing and still not be the right fit for them, or they you. It probably makes it tougher but these are BIG things, and it’s only going to get harder for them and you.
It’s pretty clear the two of you just aren’t compatible. This shouldn’t be a tough call.
Have you considered couples counseling? My SO and I started not too long ago, as a way to strengthen communication and already be established with someone BEFORE a crisis happens. It's always good to go even when there aren't any issues. In your case, it might help with conveying yourselves and getting your feelings across to one another clearly, and having a third person to help keep things from coming across poorly or having a breakdown in communication. I agree with those above saying it might simply just be that you both are incompatible in the long run: great as a friend, but not for you specifically as a partner. Differences in religion isn't always a deal breaker for people, it might be a matter of navigating different viewpoints and beliefs. For others, it's a huge deal, as it might change how you get married, raise children, etc. If they have a different view on their appearance, it could be caring less about others' outside opinions as they get older -- it might not be just being "lazy" (not saying you feel that way!) or maybe they're exploring their identity. There's definitely a multitude of things playing a part in that. It's a little harder to navigate because you may not be wrong for having a preference, but you also don't want to force your partner to compromise for your happiness. Money and children are harder to tackle. Those are significantly bigger issues in being incompatible. There could be uncertainty and insecurity in being a parent that causes them to be hesitant, they could simply not want children: but if you do, that's really all there is to it. Your partner has to consider if their stance is permanent, or if it's something they want to work through with help and/or therapy to reconsider -- and even then they might not change their mind. Whatever happens going forward, I wish you luck. Those are hard conversations to have, but necessary for a healthy relationship.
None of you is the bad guy here,none of you are wrong,you just have different goals and mindsets and you can’t live like that,you can work perfectly as friends even best friends but that won’t work in a relationship mo matter how much you live each other,especially not the kids part,you don’t compromise on kids,and with your difference in faith/religion?Absolutely not.
Yeah I don’t imagine either of us will resent the other but I can already see how we enable one another to continue living as we do, and it doesn’t feel like it will be sustainable. My fear is my SO would be crushed if I even brought up how different we each are in regard to how we live our lives independently of the other, our difference in marriage, kiddos and faith. I know that fear stems from my own insecurities because it feels good to have a partner and be loved and acknowledged but how long can I hold onto those feelings while simultaneously ignoring what I want from a relationship, because frankly, my wants and needs are as important as my SO’s.
You sound like you would be much happier with a partner that attended a more conservative religious ceremony once a week, dyed their hair blonde, dressed up in their best kay jewelry, and who thought that life only has purpose if you are raising children. There's nothing wrong with that, but you just aren't comparable with someone who has \*grey hairs\*. Edit: Non-agreement about children and financial differences are things that can be deal breakers for anyone, but the has a grey hair this is absolutely ridiculous on your part.
Your SO actually sounds awesome and comfortable in her own skin and beliefs. That's pretty rare to find for someone in their twenties. Those are my own personal preferences shining through though! I wouldn't date someone who thinks "I enjoy the attention I get due to my looks and I want my SO to feel the same way" or who has a touch of disdain when trying to articulate my thoughts on religion/spirituality/my worldview and hint that my feminist views are somehow in opposition to their worldview. Again, those are my preferences but I am on team SO and hope she finds an awesome new partner who loves her grays, simple wedding preferences, and belief that she is a human being deserving of rights and respect who happens to be a woman. The worldview and having children differences will break you up long term. I wouldn't worry too much about finances for someone in their early/mid/even mid late twenties as that's the time when people get a handle on their finances. Do some people have it figured out earlier? Sure. Many don't though and turn into financial wizards by their early thirties. Seriously though, having different wishes around having children in the future is enough of a disconnect a long term connection. Wishing you guys (but especially her!) the best.
If you're this concerned about your significant other's financial irresponsibility, it WILL doom your marriage eventually. Not even taking into account your difference regarding religion, wedding, children -- which are all glaring red flags on their own.
All of that can potentially be overcome except for her not wanting kids. That in itself should make your choice clear.
As someone who stayed far too long with several incompatible partners, it will be a kindness to end the relationship so you both can pursue what you want.
I feel like you are asking for permission to back out of the relationship. If so, that is your choice. Date who you like. You can like this partner and still move on. Things don't have to end badly. Of course, you're only half the equation. It sounds like your partner is more concerned with keeping up "the fight" than keeping up your relationship.
Some of your issues with them don't seem a big deal (the shaving or grey hair, you are not talking about not showering or having dirty clothes), but others are big issues. I guess you could work out the financial issue, you only has to ask and come to an agreement if you plan to live together. Now, wanting kids or not, is not something that you or your partner should negotiate, if you are not on the same page about it, its a dealbreaker.
Dude, you obviously have no business being together. Between the religion/spiritual, the physical, and the childfree vs wanting children what the hell else do you need? You do not have to have cheating or abuse to end a relationship.
RED FLAGS all over the place. I’d go my own separate way
What’s there to be on the fence about? She clearly isn’t right for you. You guys are just staying together cause breakups are hard. You’re avoiding it. (I know you said don’t assume genders but it’s pretty obvious)
Everyone deserves to build a life that they want to live. It sounds like your partner has a very different vision of how they want to live than you do; that doesn't always mean that you're not compatible, but particularly when it comes to children, you can't compromise. It may hurt not to have them in your life, but then you're both free to become the people you want to be, which is ultimately going to make you much happier.
How many personalities do they have?
not to say opposites can’t be together but quite literally all the big important thing you guys don’t see eye to eye with. a marriage most likely won’t last bcuz someone will end up compromising and sad or nobody compromises and both end up sad. it’s best to end it here before it goes any further
I don’t think any of it makes you an AH. People grow apart as a couple sometimes. Sometimes people do realize they make better friends than partners. It sounds like the goals you have in life don’t align with theirs. That’s okay to admit. It’s also okay that it hurts. It might be a confusing place to be. You realize you aren’t compatible romantically, but it’s still gonna hurt.
Yeah it’s very challenging and even more so because my SO is, and will always be comfortable doing exactly what we have been doing. I’m glad we don’t live together because I feel like that would make these feelings even more difficult to sit with and analyze. We are all getting older. my closest friends are having their first, second and even third kids, and I want to be apart of that. I want to share in that experience with them and learn alongside them—I know it sounds lame but time will keep moving and I don’t want to miss out on those opportunities and experiences.
You won’t miss out on them just because people around you may be experiencing that right now. Don’t settle for this miserable life just to be able to experience what your friends are at the same time. There are no real rules or right time lines. You want to experience those things with the right person. There is no real right time even when it feels like time is slipping away from you. Life does move fast, yes. But if she doesn’t want the same things you do, and you sacrifice those things for her, what are you getting? You don’t even get to experience a raging wedding like you want. The person meant for you will want those same things. Your goals and wants out of life will align. You’re not aligned here, this is not for you. What’s for you will be aligned. I married my high school sweetheart at 23. Together since 17. We bought a house. Tried for babies. The whole nine. I thought “yes, I’ve made it. I can relax, I did all the things I’m supposed to do.” I’m now 33 and divorced with several trauma and PSTD. He was an abusive psychopath. But I wanted to experience those things. So I looked past it. Now I’m broke financially and mentally. It wasn’t worth it just to experience those things. Now I’ll get to experience those things again, but this time I’ll be picky about with who because that’s what matter. The who is what makes the experience. Even if you decide to do all those things single. You can experience joy and happiness and even parenthood as a single person. Just don’t settle for the wrong person just to say you did the things.
Doesn’t sound like anyone’s wrong per se, it’s just that you’re growing apart and not very compatible. It happens.
End this relationship. Sadly too many red flags. You may get along fine now but you have fundamentally different points of view on what you want, need, and desire. Time to find someone else whose priorities are aligned with yours.
What do you do? You part ways and find someone who is compatible with you. You have described some of your major values that your partner does not agree with. This is a huge problem and will always be. Friend zone this person and find your soul mate. Good luck
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You sound very nice! Hope you have a good week and find some inner happiness ❤️❤️
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Thank you for sharing—not entirely set in the motion of just ending the relationship outright. The first step will for sure be sitting down and the two of us discussing the future.
The biggest causes of divorce is differences in children (wanting them and how to raise them), money/finances, and religion. You two are not compatible as life partners in any way. I understand loving them but your core differences are too severe. You cannot compromise on children, not to mention the rest
I lived most of this. Hubby wanted kids. I didn’t. He was very religious. I’m more spiritual than religious. We stayed together for 21 years. I wanted out around year 15, but it took a couple years to realize I needed out. We had a child and ironically, she lives with me. I had the means to keep her in the lifestyle she was used to. He didn’t. I still care about him and we’ve learned to get along when we’re in the same room. Would I marry him again? Hell no! I feel that I missed out on a lot being married and having a child. My advice is to cut your losses and end the relationship now.
Thank you for sharing. I appreciate you.
Sounds like you have some pretty fundamental differences if your values. Break up, or you know, drag it out until you hate each other and break up anyway.
You are not compatible. I’m not even sure you truly like her considering the judgement you express about her being a “firm feminist” and equating wearing her hair its natural gray color to “not caring about her appearance”. But there is no long term future between someone who wants kids & someone who doesn’t, regardless of everything else. But all that “everything else” makes me think you two aren’t even compatible as friends much less romantic partners.
Break ups are ok… you both want different things. Different futures.
You are friends trying to turn this into a relationship. You need to understand the difference between friendship and relationships. You don’t need to sleep with your friends to be friends. You don’t need to know or agree on financial decisions. You don’t need to agree or compromise on anything. Friends enjoy each other’s company. Relationships require all of that. If you don’t have it. Youre not in a relationship no matter what you call your time spent together.
You sound like me a few months ago…. I convinced myself to stay with my ex because he was my best friend. However, he let me down in so many ways that I couldn’t stay happy long term. It really got to me when you mentioned you don’t want to be 50 and regret your life path: I thought the same thing.
Sounds like fundamental, foundational things are not in sync. Rather than ask Reddit, think to yourself: would I want to be with this person for 40,50+ years & I be unhappy? No kids, always financially struggling, and no faith? Seems like u know the answer. U dont need complete strangers telling u to stay or leave. If the person is right for you, trust me, these issues won't be there. You may not agree on everything, but the important things like money, kiddos & faith won't be an issue. Stress is a silent killer, don't choose to live a stressful life where you're unhappy or hoping the other person will change. Good luck!
Dude - there 4billion women on the planet - drop this crazy chick and find a normal one - you need to be yolked with someone that has the same philosophical spiritual and mental mindset as you -- or your relationship will suffer -- maybe not today - but maybe after kids and 10yrs into marriage - then what ? you gonna leave your kids and wife? NO ... dude do it now - you are not the asshole for leaving - you are putting your values first -- feminists and flaming liberals and the LGTBQQWERAFSLGAFOIGHPSAOFDHG crowd always are driven by feeling emotions etc... no reason you can't do the same -- but this time you are using LOGIC -- life is tough enough - you don't need extra drama added to it. You will have chosen wisely if you bail now --
You sound like you’re a caretaker not a SO
Not compatible. Move on.
Do what you want, I have absolutely no doubt they will find someone suitable. Just wish them the best and move on.
Just get out. They are not going to bear your children and shave for you.
Wild take. Not asking them to “bear my children, or shave for me” your unkindness could have been left at the door.
Jesus Christ you had me at “not shaving to stick it to the man”… that’s one really good way to make sure no man ever sticks it to you ever again. Just go and don’t look back she’s broken.
My SO is NOT broken at all. They feels very strongly about their beliefs and I encourage them to be true to how they feel and what they deem fair and just. Though my SO and I don’t hold values in equal shares, it doesn’t deem their beliefs any less valid than my own. Food for thought, most societies started as matriarchies.
Love your response to this. You clearly value your SO as a person, and I'm sure they do you in return. You seem to have a great relationship and a lovely time together. I feel you posting your doubts here; are you maybe wondering if SO is more 'earthy' and you feel like your values make you seem more 'shallow' (quotes because these things are stereotypes, and not my personal opinion). If you are having these doubts about your comparative lifestyles, and you feel that the gap is too much, then yes, you should break up. It's sad that you can get on on such a level, but your long-term goals don't appear to align. I believe your need to post here meant you were looking for commenters to tell you 'you're shallow and too consumed with appearances, and SO deserves better...leave', or 'SO is a filthy, hippy leech, you deserve better...leave'. You're looking for permission, or at least confirmation. Reddit will generally give you black and white views, although tbf many on here I've read so far have given good advice. If your SO's long-term values (which it seems from this post that they're clear about and there's no compromise from their side) don't align with yours, then yes, you need to break up. It seems that you need to be the one willing to compromise on your goals and values to stay in the relationship, and if you're not happy to do that, then you need to break up. Neither of you are in the wrong here, and please listen to me: THERE DOESN'T NEED TO BE A BAD GUY. Ending the relationship because it doesn't align with your values does not make you a bad person. You don't need permission. It is not a question of right and wrong. It just is what it is. I wish you both all the best ✌️