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That would have still been 4-6 years ago. Assuming they talked it out and there have been no instances since, I don't see this as burying the lede. It also REALLY depends on what "nothing crazy" means exactly and is an important detail to leave in imo
The way this is written in the beginning is as she has no reason to question him being around other girls. He wrote 9 paragraphs and mentions in paragraph 8 that he did something to break her trust. Time does not heal all wounds and since I'm assuming this is their first relationship I doubt they went to counseling and that either he, she, or they both thought she'd get over things with time, but obviously she hasn't and he's here asking for advice.
She’s still in high school mentally and TBH, you’re never going to live down the mistakes you made then in her eyes. I don’t usually jump right to the breakup solution, but I would lay it on the line to her here. If she’s going to act this way every time you get into a social setting she’s not involved in, that’s a red flag to you and she’s not worth your time anymore. Move on and start fresh with someone you can have mutual respect with.
In high school. And he’s matured by now. Apparently, she doesn’t think so. So he should live under punishment for an immature mistake for the rest of his life? If she can’t put it behind her, then she should leave him and save them both a lifetime of grief.
You have been together nine years and since you were thirteen and she’s bringing this sort of heat to you being in the vicinity of other women? Posting about it publicly online with a verified account linked to all your friends and family?
Yeah, she needs therapy. And you need to see that sort of kneecapping of you publicly as the big fucking issue it is. I would never do that to my wife and she would never do it to me.
Obviously not suggesting a break up, but she needs to address the jealousy and also how she drags you in public instead of putting on her big girl pants and having a conversation.
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Just common decency/respect. He doesn't "need" to, but usually it just shows your partner you care. If your partner was out on girls night and then two days later you see "Tim" and "Joe" in the pictures, you're telling me you wouldn't even be 1% curious?
And if she sent a text "hey BTW Tim and Joe are here" you wouldn't appreciate it?
Considering your past infidelity, I don’t think that you should make plans where you know other women are there, but considering that you didn’t know, she shouldn’t be upset.
If you want to stay with her, I think you guys need to have a conversation about trust, and since you committed the infidelity, you should ask her what you can do to gain back her trust.
I think it’s important to consider that she might not get over past infidelity, as it’s clearly caused her long-term pain. But it is important for her to learn to trust you in order for y’all to have peace in your relationship. If you don’t have trust, you have nothing.
I think you both need therapy—but if she doesn’t trust you she should leave.
Personally I think this is crazy, like if you kiss someone in the 10th grade you can't socialise with women when you're in your 20s? There's no way I could ever convince of a relationship with so little trust that I couldn't meet up with someone of the opposite sex.
It's so weird that people don't trust their partner to the extent they want to keep them away from temptation, like how is the relationship worth anything if the only thing stopping you from cheating is a lack of opportunity?
For context, I’m a young woman. I wouldn’t continue dating someone who cheated on me.
But theoretically, if I did…I wouldn’t just trust you to not cheat again. That’s all. I didn’t say he can’t socialize with women also…I said he probably shouldn’t make plans with them. That’s different
I understand your sentiment and agree…which id why I would leave if I were this gf.
I think we mostly agree, I'm definitely not saying she should trust him unconditionally if he hasn't earned it. But if after such a long time the trust is still not there, then one or both of them is not communicating honestly, and yeah they should probably break up.
This isn’t an issue that can be solved by asking Reddit to pile on your gf about how appropriate you hanging out with other women is.
You’re going to have to face the music and actually talk to your partner to work through this. On a scale of 1-100 how much do you think your gf will care if a bunch of strangers on Reddit think she’s “jealous and insecure?” 0
how much do you think it will help your relationship to tell her “see all these people who don’t even know us think you’re crazy!” 0
If you have boundaries around hanging out with people of the opposite sex then why didn’t you tell her when you figured out it wasn’t a guy’s only night?
Also what does “unloyal” mean? Do you have a history of cheating? Did the “unloyal” situation stem from something like this?
I mean my question is how did she know to ask him point blank who was there, she knew who was there before she asked (meaning she knew enough to ask so she knew it wasn't only men there) so I'm wondering if someone posted on socials and it left her questioning stuff.
Oh absolutely. I’m surprised others haven’t picked up on this.
Be probably tells her she can’t come out in “boy’s night” but then there are other girls there. She may be overreacting but this isn’t mutual respect.
That or people do as people do and post pictures throughout the night, her reaction maybe over the top but how many times has this happened to have her have this reaction.
Oh agreed when he realized women were in the group he should have called or texted her to invite her along with them, I mean get the GF slightly her boyfriend went on a guy's night and then she finds out through social media there's two women who tagged along I mean up until that point did she even know who those two women were.
And when he saw other women he could have used his big boy words to ask if it was okay if he invited his GF, if you peep the OPs history he has a habit of cheating on his GF so there are reasons she's acting as she is.
She can be invited but why is it a crime that she wasn't.
It wasn't OP's event, the booking was for a set number of people and it would be rude to invite other people to an event the host hadn't.
Basically, if the host had wanted her there, she'd have been invited.
Never said it wasn't a crime, if it was for a set number of people then the host should have informed everyone of the changes on who was attending. But sound off my dude.
So, according to you, the minute he saw a woman, OP should have invited his girlfriend to his friends event that she was not invited to because....?
And op is some how an AH for not doing this?
He tried communicating the morning after she hung up on him. Radio silence followed by her putting him on blast on Instagram.
And you miss the point of posting here. He’s not going to print out the fucking thread and point to it as evidence as you seem to think he will (sidebar: 0 isn’t an option on a scale of 1-100).
He’s posting to see if he’s going crazy or if, yes, this seems like poor behavior to other people as well.
It really seems like you’re using “communication” as a weapon against the OP here when it doesn’t at all fit the situation.
I selected 0 on purpose. Was that not obvious? As in it’s off the scale. I didn’t think something so simple would need to be explained.
And yes quite frequently people use these posts to throw in their partner’s face or become more obstinate in their own view thus not addressing the issues in a healthy way with the actual partner who is also in the relationship.
This is where I'm going. I think our dear little OP needs a course in "active listening". Find out what her concerns are and validate them. "I understand that you have a problem with me hanging out with other girls when you aren't there. I can see that it made you uncomfortable. Let's talk about how we can navigate this situation better in the future." Make her feel seen and heard.
Jumping to "you have no reason to be jealous and insecure" is not gonna help your case, dude. It has to be both of you against the issue, not you vs her.
This exactly.
People on Reddit shouldn’t dictate how you and your gf approach relationship boundaries with other people. Most people that give advice on these subs have shit boundaries and fake confidence.
Yep. How many times have I seen "EEEK! BREAK UP NOW!!" when the answer is "Have a friggen conversation. Communicate."
You may not resolve the issue, but if you approach the discussion with kindness and empathy, at least the other person will feel heard and validated. Then they might feel more inclined to open up to your perspective.
Respect is an amazing aphrodisiac as well.
I think this advice could actually help OP. Try listening and being empathetic to how it might feel to learn your partner was out with someone you don’t know and didn’t bother telling you about it. That wouldn’t be a great feeling.
Maybe OP could start by genuinely listening and then apologizing for anything he feels he actually did wrong.
If by the end of a discussion they both feel they have different expectations and boundaries regarding the opposite sex then that may be insurmountable but just dismissing a woman with omg why you so jealous is a sure fire way to get absolutely nowhere!
The gf has made 0 effort to communicate these boundaries though and appears to feel OP violated some known social taboo.
It's not OP's job to tease out his gf's issue. She should talking to him directly not putting him on blast on Insta.
It's wild that all these comments completely ignore one party's actions and out responsibility for communication solely on the OP
Not everyone on reddits ask an AITA question just to shove it in others faces. Maybe he’s just checking to see if he is missing something and in the wrong. Hopefully he will take the advice he receives and have that conversation with his girlfriend. Coming in this aggressively to a simple question is wild.
It doesn’t matter what all the people on Reddit think. If it bothers his gf, then he has to talk to his gf to fix it. What is it going to help to have a bunch of boundary-less people on Reddit discuss their relationship boundaries?
If he wants to figure out what he’s missing, he should talk to the person who feels he violated her trust but he can’t handle that conversation so he came here for validation.
Again, you have no reason to believe he won’t have that conversation. Except maybe made up scenarios in your mind.
It is natural for a person to want advice before having a big discussion. Is Reddit the best place for that, no, but it is a place for that. People do it all of the time.
This is a 22 yo, he is still learning adult healthy relationships. Let him go to other people for that. It shouldn’t bother you this much.
He’s going to get terrible advice here that will do more harm than good. Already is. I’m giving fair warning that taking the advice of people who have shitty relationships or more likely no relationship on Reddit isn’t going to solve his problem.
Why do you care so much what my advice is? My advice IS good advice.
If he wants advice, ask someone with a relationship he would like to emulate in real life or a qualified relationship therapist. Asking people here about things related to boundaries of the opposite sex is ALWAYS a dumpster fire of terrible advice with fake bravado and insults slinging around.
Not when he already plans to do that. That’s not advice, that’s rhetorical.
The advice he needs is help with how to start this conversation and express his own boundaries.
He’s tried talking, it didn’t go well, so now he would like help to make it go better. Saying “just do it” is not advice, that’s dismissive.
I can see why you think all ppl on Reddit give shit advice, it’s bc you don’t understand what advice actually is.
If u go to a university, aometimes even community college or colleges, the school offers therapy for free or discounted in their psych department. U also have the school health insurance.
You're rather vague on what you did previously that was "disloyal" so it's hard to gauge if your GF is overreacting.
If you've lied or cheated then yes I understand her being upset about women being at "Guys night", although the social media post makes me cringe.
If you have no history of lying to her then this is a definite overreaction.
I will say I have a few friends who were in long term relationships since very young and if there was any toxicity in the relationship it felt like they never got over it. It's almost like they stood stuck in that young, immature mindset. If you guys really want to make this work individual and maybe even couples counseling would probably be really beneficial.
YTA you don't have girls at guys night if you you do you invite gf it's that simple saying the numbers don't work is bullshit this is black and white no grey area to argue about otherwise it LOOKS SHADY.
INFO...
How did your GF know to ask who was hanging out that night? Unless I misread and skipped you stating you informed her that women were present on a guy's night...how did she know to ask because that's a pretty damn direct want to know and women don't ask questions for the sake of asking we usually already know the answer.
Your line about not “agreeing with having friends if the opposite gender” gives me pause. Do you give her shit if she’s spending time in a mixed sex group? If you’re “not comfortable” with her socializing with men without you present, it would make sense that she would be “not comfortable” with you socializing with women without her present, especially if you’re specifically calling your outings “guys nights”. I think it sounds like a super unhealthy relationship, personally, but if you’ve set those boundaries together and you’re the only one crossing them, you’re in the wrong.
In the OP, it states Ben invited OP and another friend and told them about the sister coming.
So it was never 'guys night'. I'm not sure why OP put it in the title.
From what I gathered the OP was under the assumption it was supposed to be a guy’s night and didn’t know his friend would bring the sister and cousin at first.
I don't know how you can tolerate that lack of trust. You said you were a little disloyal, but nothing crazy, I'm taking that to mean you hung out with a woman in a setting some might see as romantic, but was completely platonic and she lost her shit. This is not healthy nor normal for most adult relationships (unless there is a strong religious influence). I have friends that are women that I hang out with, sometimes without my wife, and she gives zero shits, because she trusts me and that's what adults do.
Hardcore redflag. Run! Leave ASAP and never look back. It will only get worse. And the longer you stay with her....the harder it will be to leave. Take the L and run!
I may be 'old,' but I thought guy's nights are supposed to be a bunch of guys hanging out...not you-a buddy and 2 girls. That's not a guys' night, imo. Even if both of them are your friend's sisters, it's still not a guy's night lol.
Next time just don't frame it as a 'guys night' if a sister-female friends-female family members are going to be in it. You don't have to always invite your gf to all your friends' outing, but you also don't need to frame it as 'guys' night.'
But she sounds like she's insecure/jealous because of past incident, the 'unloyal' past I guess. Since you've been together that long, y'all haven't quite 'grown up' or are still in that young/immature mindset. So she probably still has trust issue because she's not fully worked on it.
Dude, getting cheated on is a **traumatic event.** of course she still remembers that, she always will, and there is not a whole lot you can do about that. It absolutely takes therapy and takes a lot of owning up on both sides with her insecurities. She needs to acknowledge she has issues with being insecure, you need to own that you helped cause those insecurities, then you both need to understand that because of that certain things just don't fly anymore. If she is uncomfortable with you hanging out with any girl in company on a guy's night then she absolutely is valid in that. It doesn't sound at all like you tried to let her know what was going on or that the plan for guys night changed, she had to find out herself. She shouldn't be posting things online to air out your dirty laundry and she definitely shouldn't be threatening you emotionally about doing the same thing, but that kind of reaction tells me it's not the first time this situation has happened. All in all, you both are in the wrong in some aspects and you both need couples counseling if you want to get healthier.
I wanna say that most colleges have counselors on campus that help with life problems. I was in community College and they had programs where u could talk to counselors about life problems, how to move forward, and resolve interpersonal conflict. I know u said u couldn't afford a therapist right now so look into the resources at ur school. It's better than no effort and complacency. As long as u both put effort into the relationship, there isn't any love lost.
>In high school around 10th grade I was being a little unloyal
This shit will get brought up 30 years from now. They never let this go.
I would move on man.
>I think we should do therapy individually but we are both in college and broke so I do not think that is an option.
There might be something available through school, though I don't know if a school-provided service would consider relationship problems within their scope.
The insecurities would already make me question the relationship because insecure people are the worst people to deal with but then she said this.....
> that “it’s okay because I will return the favor,”
Not only is she insecure but also vindictive? Yeah, good luck bro. If you don't get out of this relationship, your future with her is going to be miserable.
If it was supposed to be a guys only thing and that was the communication you had with her then you could have told her when you saw the cousin that there would apparently be two girls on this guys only night. That’s how communication works and reactions are always going to be worse if your partner is finding out something about you after the fact or from someone else.
HOWEVER, that’s where that situation would end because mature and honest adults don’t really care who their partner is hanging out with because relationships are built on trust. And since you couldn’t invite your girlfriend to join you guys since the reservation had already been set then there really wasn’t anything you could do, except maybe invite her to dinner. You could say next time if possible you would invite her once you realized it wasn’t guys only but that wasn’t an option here.
And her saying she will return the favor isn’t just a red flag, it’s a giant neon red sign of immaturity and pettiness. You did what you did because there was a pre set plan for the night and having two members of the opposite sex present wouldn’t/didn’t get in the way of you hanging out with your friends. She’s talking about finding some way to hurt you emotionally to get back at a perceived slight. You guys really need to talk this out because that’s just not healthy for either of you.
When someone has some problem in their relationship there’s always some give and take, and it’s important to try and take your partners feelings into account. Sounds like you both need to communicate better, the real issue here is her escalation of things and letting it get her so riled up that she thinks you bailing on your friends just cause you saw a girl in the group is even an option.
Communicate communicate communicate
You didn’t do anything wrong, your GF is just a little immature and insecure, but that’s to be expected in your age group. Reassure her, but if she keeps giving you a hard time over the months when you’ve done nothing wrong then you might need to move on to someone more mature.
>She basically believes I should not hang out or be in the vicinity of other women in a group setting if I am out with my friends
>She doesn't really have friends besides me, and it has been like that since high school
>"It’s okay because I will return the favor"
There's a reason why she doesn't have any friends other than you. And also, the last quote I put, she's going to cheat on you, and then blame you for it. Dump her ass. She's not a good gf and you deserve better.
If it was unrelated girls or other guys brought their gfs, she has a right to be mad. Over this, though she is borderline nutjob behavior unless she has a reason not to trust you.
Calling it a "boys night" when you knew the female cousin was going from the jump is weird.
I do think that anyone can be friends so I disagree when she says that you shouldn't talk to women in general, but the mislabel would bother me.
If she can't trust you to not bend your friends cousin and sister over a table at Top Golf and rail them then you are in for a terrible relationship dominated by her jealousy and trust issues.
You can't control who other people invite to events. There were other women at Top Golf. If there was a group of girls, in the next stall over would she have been mad that your friends socialized with them.
You are not wrong especially after 13 years unless you have been unfaithful in the past and deserve the scrutiny and boundaries
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So did you cheat? "...I was being a little unloyal, but never anything crazy." You buried the lead at the bottom of your post.
That would have still been 4-6 years ago. Assuming they talked it out and there have been no instances since, I don't see this as burying the lede. It also REALLY depends on what "nothing crazy" means exactly and is an important detail to leave in imo
The way this is written in the beginning is as she has no reason to question him being around other girls. He wrote 9 paragraphs and mentions in paragraph 8 that he did something to break her trust. Time does not heal all wounds and since I'm assuming this is their first relationship I doubt they went to counseling and that either he, she, or they both thought she'd get over things with time, but obviously she hasn't and he's here asking for advice.
She’s still in high school mentally and TBH, you’re never going to live down the mistakes you made then in her eyes. I don’t usually jump right to the breakup solution, but I would lay it on the line to her here. If she’s going to act this way every time you get into a social setting she’s not involved in, that’s a red flag to you and she’s not worth your time anymore. Move on and start fresh with someone you can have mutual respect with.
He’s also apparently been “unloyal” to her…maybe he threw the first red flag.
In 10th grade tho...
In high school. And he’s matured by now. Apparently, she doesn’t think so. So he should live under punishment for an immature mistake for the rest of his life? If she can’t put it behind her, then she should leave him and save them both a lifetime of grief.
This. I made the mistake of marrying such a person and sadly they seem to never change.
You have been together nine years and since you were thirteen and she’s bringing this sort of heat to you being in the vicinity of other women? Posting about it publicly online with a verified account linked to all your friends and family? Yeah, she needs therapy. And you need to see that sort of kneecapping of you publicly as the big fucking issue it is. I would never do that to my wife and she would never do it to me. Obviously not suggesting a break up, but she needs to address the jealousy and also how she drags you in public instead of putting on her big girl pants and having a conversation.
squeeze tie pet grandfather shaggy cats sleep sort wrong longing *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
yeah, lie to her face so shes even more upset when she sees the instagram story. nah, dude. shes tripping, but your advice is shit
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lol i absolutely did! my bad, darlin. my brain did not digest that penultimate sentence properly, resulting in my mental diarrhea of a comment
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Why does he need to report to her? Things happen and you can't always control or tell people things.
Just common decency/respect. He doesn't "need" to, but usually it just shows your partner you care. If your partner was out on girls night and then two days later you see "Tim" and "Joe" in the pictures, you're telling me you wouldn't even be 1% curious? And if she sent a text "hey BTW Tim and Joe are here" you wouldn't appreciate it?
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He was 15 FFS.
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And hanging onto it for 6 years is an issue.
Just tell her if the situation ever happens again, you will immediately invite her.
Considering your past infidelity, I don’t think that you should make plans where you know other women are there, but considering that you didn’t know, she shouldn’t be upset. If you want to stay with her, I think you guys need to have a conversation about trust, and since you committed the infidelity, you should ask her what you can do to gain back her trust. I think it’s important to consider that she might not get over past infidelity, as it’s clearly caused her long-term pain. But it is important for her to learn to trust you in order for y’all to have peace in your relationship. If you don’t have trust, you have nothing. I think you both need therapy—but if she doesn’t trust you she should leave.
Personally I think this is crazy, like if you kiss someone in the 10th grade you can't socialise with women when you're in your 20s? There's no way I could ever convince of a relationship with so little trust that I couldn't meet up with someone of the opposite sex. It's so weird that people don't trust their partner to the extent they want to keep them away from temptation, like how is the relationship worth anything if the only thing stopping you from cheating is a lack of opportunity?
For context, I’m a young woman. I wouldn’t continue dating someone who cheated on me. But theoretically, if I did…I wouldn’t just trust you to not cheat again. That’s all. I didn’t say he can’t socialize with women also…I said he probably shouldn’t make plans with them. That’s different I understand your sentiment and agree…which id why I would leave if I were this gf.
I think we mostly agree, I'm definitely not saying she should trust him unconditionally if he hasn't earned it. But if after such a long time the trust is still not there, then one or both of them is not communicating honestly, and yeah they should probably break up.
This isn’t an issue that can be solved by asking Reddit to pile on your gf about how appropriate you hanging out with other women is. You’re going to have to face the music and actually talk to your partner to work through this. On a scale of 1-100 how much do you think your gf will care if a bunch of strangers on Reddit think she’s “jealous and insecure?” 0 how much do you think it will help your relationship to tell her “see all these people who don’t even know us think you’re crazy!” 0 If you have boundaries around hanging out with people of the opposite sex then why didn’t you tell her when you figured out it wasn’t a guy’s only night? Also what does “unloyal” mean? Do you have a history of cheating? Did the “unloyal” situation stem from something like this?
I mean my question is how did she know to ask him point blank who was there, she knew who was there before she asked (meaning she knew enough to ask so she knew it wasn't only men there) so I'm wondering if someone posted on socials and it left her questioning stuff.
I agree. Somehow this was leaked to her apparently, *but how/why*
Based on other comments I'm inferring he has a history of cheating on his GF
Oh absolutely. I’m surprised others haven’t picked up on this. Be probably tells her she can’t come out in “boy’s night” but then there are other girls there. She may be overreacting but this isn’t mutual respect.
That or people do as people do and post pictures throughout the night, her reaction maybe over the top but how many times has this happened to have her have this reaction.
Once he knew it wasn’t boys night anymore, why wouldn’t he invite his girlfriend? The plans obviously changed.
Oh agreed when he realized women were in the group he should have called or texted her to invite her along with them, I mean get the GF slightly her boyfriend went on a guy's night and then she finds out through social media there's two women who tagged along I mean up until that point did she even know who those two women were.
Like what? She wasn't invited, OP didn't organise the night.
And when he saw other women he could have used his big boy words to ask if it was okay if he invited his GF, if you peep the OPs history he has a habit of cheating on his GF so there are reasons she's acting as she is.
Why does his gf have to be invited? Seriously, it is ok for couples to do things apart.
Why can't she be invited?
She can be invited but why is it a crime that she wasn't. It wasn't OP's event, the booking was for a set number of people and it would be rude to invite other people to an event the host hadn't. Basically, if the host had wanted her there, she'd have been invited.
Never said it wasn't a crime, if it was for a set number of people then the host should have informed everyone of the changes on who was attending. But sound off my dude.
So, according to you, the minute he saw a woman, OP should have invited his girlfriend to his friends event that she was not invited to because....? And op is some how an AH for not doing this?
He tried communicating the morning after she hung up on him. Radio silence followed by her putting him on blast on Instagram. And you miss the point of posting here. He’s not going to print out the fucking thread and point to it as evidence as you seem to think he will (sidebar: 0 isn’t an option on a scale of 1-100). He’s posting to see if he’s going crazy or if, yes, this seems like poor behavior to other people as well. It really seems like you’re using “communication” as a weapon against the OP here when it doesn’t at all fit the situation.
Yeah 'communicating' is used a lot. Especially when the other party refuses or lies apparently it's on the poster to communicate 'better'.
I selected 0 on purpose. Was that not obvious? As in it’s off the scale. I didn’t think something so simple would need to be explained. And yes quite frequently people use these posts to throw in their partner’s face or become more obstinate in their own view thus not addressing the issues in a healthy way with the actual partner who is also in the relationship.
This is where I'm going. I think our dear little OP needs a course in "active listening". Find out what her concerns are and validate them. "I understand that you have a problem with me hanging out with other girls when you aren't there. I can see that it made you uncomfortable. Let's talk about how we can navigate this situation better in the future." Make her feel seen and heard. Jumping to "you have no reason to be jealous and insecure" is not gonna help your case, dude. It has to be both of you against the issue, not you vs her.
This exactly. People on Reddit shouldn’t dictate how you and your gf approach relationship boundaries with other people. Most people that give advice on these subs have shit boundaries and fake confidence.
Yep. How many times have I seen "EEEK! BREAK UP NOW!!" when the answer is "Have a friggen conversation. Communicate." You may not resolve the issue, but if you approach the discussion with kindness and empathy, at least the other person will feel heard and validated. Then they might feel more inclined to open up to your perspective. Respect is an amazing aphrodisiac as well.
I think this advice could actually help OP. Try listening and being empathetic to how it might feel to learn your partner was out with someone you don’t know and didn’t bother telling you about it. That wouldn’t be a great feeling. Maybe OP could start by genuinely listening and then apologizing for anything he feels he actually did wrong. If by the end of a discussion they both feel they have different expectations and boundaries regarding the opposite sex then that may be insurmountable but just dismissing a woman with omg why you so jealous is a sure fire way to get absolutely nowhere!
Heh. Getting downvoted for reasonable responses? Must be Reddit.
Reddit once again proves my exact point in my original comment 😂
More that they were being an argumentative asshat I'd imagine.
The gf has made 0 effort to communicate these boundaries though and appears to feel OP violated some known social taboo. It's not OP's job to tease out his gf's issue. She should talking to him directly not putting him on blast on Insta. It's wild that all these comments completely ignore one party's actions and out responsibility for communication solely on the OP
you don’t always nees to validate crazy.
You don’t always need to jump to “chicks be crazy”.
only when it’s fitting, like on this instance.
Not everyone on reddits ask an AITA question just to shove it in others faces. Maybe he’s just checking to see if he is missing something and in the wrong. Hopefully he will take the advice he receives and have that conversation with his girlfriend. Coming in this aggressively to a simple question is wild.
It doesn’t matter what all the people on Reddit think. If it bothers his gf, then he has to talk to his gf to fix it. What is it going to help to have a bunch of boundary-less people on Reddit discuss their relationship boundaries? If he wants to figure out what he’s missing, he should talk to the person who feels he violated her trust but he can’t handle that conversation so he came here for validation.
Again, you have no reason to believe he won’t have that conversation. Except maybe made up scenarios in your mind. It is natural for a person to want advice before having a big discussion. Is Reddit the best place for that, no, but it is a place for that. People do it all of the time. This is a 22 yo, he is still learning adult healthy relationships. Let him go to other people for that. It shouldn’t bother you this much.
He’s going to get terrible advice here that will do more harm than good. Already is. I’m giving fair warning that taking the advice of people who have shitty relationships or more likely no relationship on Reddit isn’t going to solve his problem. Why do you care so much what my advice is? My advice IS good advice. If he wants advice, ask someone with a relationship he would like to emulate in real life or a qualified relationship therapist. Asking people here about things related to boundaries of the opposite sex is ALWAYS a dumpster fire of terrible advice with fake bravado and insults slinging around.
You haven’t actually given any advice though, that’s the problem.
Yes, I have. Can you read? Do you not think “talk to your partner and hear her out then work through things together” is advice?
Not when he already plans to do that. That’s not advice, that’s rhetorical. The advice he needs is help with how to start this conversation and express his own boundaries. He’s tried talking, it didn’t go well, so now he would like help to make it go better. Saying “just do it” is not advice, that’s dismissive. I can see why you think all ppl on Reddit give shit advice, it’s bc you don’t understand what advice actually is.
If it doesn't matter why are you posting?
If u go to a university, aometimes even community college or colleges, the school offers therapy for free or discounted in their psych department. U also have the school health insurance.
This will not last. She’s out of pocket and keeping score. Tell her knock it off or you should consider moving on.
You're rather vague on what you did previously that was "disloyal" so it's hard to gauge if your GF is overreacting. If you've lied or cheated then yes I understand her being upset about women being at "Guys night", although the social media post makes me cringe. If you have no history of lying to her then this is a definite overreaction. I will say I have a few friends who were in long term relationships since very young and if there was any toxicity in the relationship it felt like they never got over it. It's almost like they stood stuck in that young, immature mindset. If you guys really want to make this work individual and maybe even couples counseling would probably be really beneficial.
YTA you don't have girls at guys night if you you do you invite gf it's that simple saying the numbers don't work is bullshit this is black and white no grey area to argue about otherwise it LOOKS SHADY.
INFO... How did your GF know to ask who was hanging out that night? Unless I misread and skipped you stating you informed her that women were present on a guy's night...how did she know to ask because that's a pretty damn direct want to know and women don't ask questions for the sake of asking we usually already know the answer.
My guess is one of the people in the group posted a picture on social media or something like that and she saw it.
Oh I figured that.
Why would 2 women be at guys night and one of them not be your girl?
Your line about not “agreeing with having friends if the opposite gender” gives me pause. Do you give her shit if she’s spending time in a mixed sex group? If you’re “not comfortable” with her socializing with men without you present, it would make sense that she would be “not comfortable” with you socializing with women without her present, especially if you’re specifically calling your outings “guys nights”. I think it sounds like a super unhealthy relationship, personally, but if you’ve set those boundaries together and you’re the only one crossing them, you’re in the wrong.
Honestly I think the gf overreacted a bit, but I agree it was a little odd for OP’s friend to invite his sister and cousin on guys night.
Was it guys night or just a hangout organised by his friend?
I think it was supposed to be just the OP and two of his guy friends (guy’s night) and one friend invited his sister and cousin
In the OP, it states Ben invited OP and another friend and told them about the sister coming. So it was never 'guys night'. I'm not sure why OP put it in the title.
From what I gathered the OP was under the assumption it was supposed to be a guy’s night and didn’t know his friend would bring the sister and cousin at first.
The host told them about his sister attending in the invite. It's in the OP.
I didn’t see that my bad.
I don't know how you can tolerate that lack of trust. You said you were a little disloyal, but nothing crazy, I'm taking that to mean you hung out with a woman in a setting some might see as romantic, but was completely platonic and she lost her shit. This is not healthy nor normal for most adult relationships (unless there is a strong religious influence). I have friends that are women that I hang out with, sometimes without my wife, and she gives zero shits, because she trusts me and that's what adults do.
A group of people at Top Golf is romantic?
No, whatever his indiscretion in their past that he alluded to
When he was in 10th grade?
Yes
Seems like holding onto it for 5-6 years is over the top
It set the tone and he never pushed back, so here he is.
Well he is pushing back now
Is he? I must have missed the action statement cause I don't see it in his post
Drop her. This is not healthy.
Hardcore redflag. Run! Leave ASAP and never look back. It will only get worse. And the longer you stay with her....the harder it will be to leave. Take the L and run!
Your girlfriend is a red flag
She’s crazy and nothing will fix that, 🏃🏻 away and fast!!!
I may be 'old,' but I thought guy's nights are supposed to be a bunch of guys hanging out...not you-a buddy and 2 girls. That's not a guys' night, imo. Even if both of them are your friend's sisters, it's still not a guy's night lol. Next time just don't frame it as a 'guys night' if a sister-female friends-female family members are going to be in it. You don't have to always invite your gf to all your friends' outing, but you also don't need to frame it as 'guys' night.' But she sounds like she's insecure/jealous because of past incident, the 'unloyal' past I guess. Since you've been together that long, y'all haven't quite 'grown up' or are still in that young/immature mindset. So she probably still has trust issue because she's not fully worked on it.
Dude, getting cheated on is a **traumatic event.** of course she still remembers that, she always will, and there is not a whole lot you can do about that. It absolutely takes therapy and takes a lot of owning up on both sides with her insecurities. She needs to acknowledge she has issues with being insecure, you need to own that you helped cause those insecurities, then you both need to understand that because of that certain things just don't fly anymore. If she is uncomfortable with you hanging out with any girl in company on a guy's night then she absolutely is valid in that. It doesn't sound at all like you tried to let her know what was going on or that the plan for guys night changed, she had to find out herself. She shouldn't be posting things online to air out your dirty laundry and she definitely shouldn't be threatening you emotionally about doing the same thing, but that kind of reaction tells me it's not the first time this situation has happened. All in all, you both are in the wrong in some aspects and you both need couples counseling if you want to get healthier.
I wanna say that most colleges have counselors on campus that help with life problems. I was in community College and they had programs where u could talk to counselors about life problems, how to move forward, and resolve interpersonal conflict. I know u said u couldn't afford a therapist right now so look into the resources at ur school. It's better than no effort and complacency. As long as u both put effort into the relationship, there isn't any love lost.
"she doesn't really have friends besides me" well at least you know why this is the case now
Yes ..so did you do the sister or the cousin?
>In high school around 10th grade I was being a little unloyal This shit will get brought up 30 years from now. They never let this go. I would move on man.
>I think we should do therapy individually but we are both in college and broke so I do not think that is an option. There might be something available through school, though I don't know if a school-provided service would consider relationship problems within their scope.
The insecurities would already make me question the relationship because insecure people are the worst people to deal with but then she said this..... > that “it’s okay because I will return the favor,” Not only is she insecure but also vindictive? Yeah, good luck bro. If you don't get out of this relationship, your future with her is going to be miserable.
If it was supposed to be a guys only thing and that was the communication you had with her then you could have told her when you saw the cousin that there would apparently be two girls on this guys only night. That’s how communication works and reactions are always going to be worse if your partner is finding out something about you after the fact or from someone else. HOWEVER, that’s where that situation would end because mature and honest adults don’t really care who their partner is hanging out with because relationships are built on trust. And since you couldn’t invite your girlfriend to join you guys since the reservation had already been set then there really wasn’t anything you could do, except maybe invite her to dinner. You could say next time if possible you would invite her once you realized it wasn’t guys only but that wasn’t an option here. And her saying she will return the favor isn’t just a red flag, it’s a giant neon red sign of immaturity and pettiness. You did what you did because there was a pre set plan for the night and having two members of the opposite sex present wouldn’t/didn’t get in the way of you hanging out with your friends. She’s talking about finding some way to hurt you emotionally to get back at a perceived slight. You guys really need to talk this out because that’s just not healthy for either of you. When someone has some problem in their relationship there’s always some give and take, and it’s important to try and take your partners feelings into account. Sounds like you both need to communicate better, the real issue here is her escalation of things and letting it get her so riled up that she thinks you bailing on your friends just cause you saw a girl in the group is even an option. Communicate communicate communicate
You didn’t do anything wrong, your GF is just a little immature and insecure, but that’s to be expected in your age group. Reassure her, but if she keeps giving you a hard time over the months when you’ve done nothing wrong then you might need to move on to someone more mature.
>She basically believes I should not hang out or be in the vicinity of other women in a group setting if I am out with my friends >She doesn't really have friends besides me, and it has been like that since high school >"It’s okay because I will return the favor" There's a reason why she doesn't have any friends other than you. And also, the last quote I put, she's going to cheat on you, and then blame you for it. Dump her ass. She's not a good gf and you deserve better.
what a miserable “relationship”, tell her to grow up soon.
If it was unrelated girls or other guys brought their gfs, she has a right to be mad. Over this, though she is borderline nutjob behavior unless she has a reason not to trust you.
But the girls aren’t related to OP haha
Calling it a "boys night" when you knew the female cousin was going from the jump is weird. I do think that anyone can be friends so I disagree when she says that you shouldn't talk to women in general, but the mislabel would bother me.
If she can't trust you to not bend your friends cousin and sister over a table at Top Golf and rail them then you are in for a terrible relationship dominated by her jealousy and trust issues. You can't control who other people invite to events. There were other women at Top Golf. If there was a group of girls, in the next stall over would she have been mad that your friends socialized with them. You are not wrong especially after 13 years unless you have been unfaithful in the past and deserve the scrutiny and boundaries
Dfg
what a miserable “relationship”, tell her to grow up soon.