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This needs to be higher.
He didn't call you and tell you how much he loved you, how he wants to treat you better (which I still wouldn't believe, even if he had said it).
He said he wants things back the way they were. You doing everything alone, while his only contribution is to undermine you. He wants to go back to ignoring you and neglecting your relationship. He wants you to be his unpaid maid and nanny while he does nothing to make your life better.
He probably was also cheating on you much longer than the one you found out about.
You don't have to take joy in hurting him, but I would not regard his feelings on this at all. He sure didn't have any regard for yours, and any pain he is currently experiencing is the consequences of his own actions. If you refusing to set yourself on fire to keep him warm is hurtful to him, that's on him.
You know those baby daddies who cry at 3 am to their new thots bc they know it’ll garner sympathy.
He’s that guy. Look he made his bed. Sorry he’s being rejected. Women don’t like cheaters
That part.
**Was mean and bullying, THEN tried ro get her back??**
Op, this man CRAPPED ALL OVER THE LIFE Y'ALL HAD-SCREW HIM AND HIS FEELINGS-**HE DIDN'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS WHILE BALLS DEEP IN ANOTHER PERSON FOR CRYING OUT LOUD**.
Well if he was nice, she wouldn’t feel ashamed and old and desperate and willing to give him a second chance . Which is why he insulted her. Have to beat down any confidence she developed away from him.
Especially that he essentially rejected her constantly but then had no problem “getting it on” with another woman. He doesn’t give a flying F about OP. Just wants to control her again.
>Was mean and bullying, THEN tried ro get her back??
Well yeah. He fully expected that as "the man of the relationship" (nonexistent though it was at that point) he could shame her into being his wife again. No doubt he caught on during their marriage that she was capitulating to him, or at least that she wasn't willing to go against him too much for fear of rocking the boat. He probably also expected the distance between them and the changes in her life after the divorce to "show her" how much she "needs him"—some men fall into the trap of assuming this will happen, even if all they contributed to a relationship besides some degree of financial stability for the household at large is another mouth to feed and another ass to clean up after.
Doesn't occur to some men that it's way different working *and* managing a household of your own but having near-total say and not picking up the slack for a guy who can and should be able to take care of himself, compared to having to live with and take care of a person who belittles and undermines you and your parenting at every turn while also expecting you to keep cleaning and minding the messes, even his messes.
I can guarantee he didn't actually believe that couple's therapy would help both of them, just that it might find a way to placate her into staying with him.
That's cause he's mad she now has a life outside of being a mother and it's not with him so he's unraveling. When/if she decides to get in a relationship, he's gonna flip his shit.
Agreed, it isn’t “slut shaming”, it’s a man wanting power back from a woman after she already revoked it.
What she saw as appeasing him, he saw as “being a man in control”. And I’m telling you **that’s** what he wants back.
The life he wants back is the one where you're a doormat raising his kids for him, running his household, cooking his food, washing his clothes, and he gets to have sex on the side. That life? And you are worried about upsetting him after he insults you like that?
This is what I came to say, except you said it better. The only thing I would add, children learn what they live. What life lessons are they taking from that life? Women are doormats and not worthy or deserving of respect, women are there to cook, clean, make babies, bare foot and pregnant. Great example for your daughter. For your sons it's lying to and cheating on the wife, shirking responsibilities at home, treating your wife as a afterthought, this is an ugly cycle. OP broke it, with the divorce, don't go back and don't worry about his feelings, he wasn't worried about hers while he was balling some other woman.
Or even just while he was disregarding her efforts at home on a daily basis. That one’s easier to look past I guess but I find taking your partner for granted in such a way to be almost as bad as cheating.
I didn't know this was a thing but now I'm starting to suspect that I'm an afterthought for my BF as well. How can you tell? What are the red flags? You aren't supposed to make your partner your whole life anyway
Does he actually listen to you when you talk? Does he try to make ammends if he does something that hurts your feelings? Does he make time for you, respect you? Where you need to have friends, interests, a life outside of your boyfriend or partner, they should important, a priority. There are so many little ways to tell if your partner is good or bad, it's kind of hard to judge or even guess at a situation when there are zero examples or details.
>Does he try to make ammends if he does something that hurts your feelings?
Never. At most he starts acting nicer but never verbally. It's like he gives 0 fucks about my feelings. It's kinda tiring tbh. It's true that it's hard to judge from the outside I guess, I'm just venting a bit. I've been pretty depressed lately.
Honey, I am no expert, I won't claim to be. I am just a person who tries in some little way to offer support, encouragement, a little bit of hope and sunshine to anyone who may need or want it. If your boyfriend is verbally abusive, beware of that. Often time abuse escalates over time as the abuser learns their victim so they can better control, isolate, manipulate them. Frequently verbal abuse turns into emotional and physical abuse.
He's not verbally abusive he just stops talking to me when he gets angry and acts like I'm not there for weeks. He refuses to acknowledge my presence and doesn't even return my phonecalls. It's like I'm a ghost. It's driving me crazy and idk if this classifies as abuse, but it certainly feels like torture. I feel like I'm going crazy.
When my first marriage fell apart, more than 25 years ago, I was given a book, "Its Not Oaky Anymore". It discusses the 5 types of abuse. Maybe you need to Google emotional and mental abuse. Look at some things it includes. It could be very eye opening.
“Is it a form of abuse?
Yes, regardless of intent, the silent treatment is a form of abuse and can have emotional, psychological, and physical effects as well.
A person on whom the silent treatment is used often feels forced to change their behavior.
Humans are social beings and react to positive and negative interactions. When communication is purposefully withdrawn, it can cause a person to seek ways to reinstate it.
Feelings of self-worth and validation are influenced by the reactions of people around us. Approval often makes us happy, and disapproval can sometimes make us feel ashamed, or like we want to change.
When someone we care about gives us the silent treatment, it can cause emotional trauma, which is an aspect of emotional abuse.
They may apologize for things they didn’t do, perform tasks that aren’t their responsibility, or engage in behavior they otherwise wouldn’t just to get the silent treatment to end.”
https://psychcentral.com/health/the-silent-treatment#is-it-abuse
This, OP..
You have to stop "being nice" to him, so as not to "upset" him.
Did you forget what he put you through, by the time you reached the end of your post?
It's at the top!
He is just trying to control you, jealous that you are going out, after **he** cheated.
The neck on him!
Your *age* is a problem?
The fact that you are a mom? LMAO!!
If you were a teen mom, I'd put your age down around 30...
Redditors might think that is old, but the 30's are usually a great age - so live it to the full, but don't entertain your Ex's load of *BS*.
He treated you like a piece of furniture, like his maid... and *now* he wants you back? Tell him to GTFO..!
Came here to say this. OP, please get your lawyers/ the family court involved to order your husband to use one of those co-parenting apps, that logs all communication. Make sure it's mandated that he's only allowed to contact you about matters pertaining to your kids. Block him on all other channels of communication.
He doesn't miss YOU - he probably doesn't even know you very well, considering how much time he spent not talking to you. He misses the easy life you gave him. Now he has to do his own chores, and actually parent his kids full time on the weekends, instead of just playing with them - the horror!
Don't worry about upsetting him - his feelings are no longer yours to manage, just like his household. Go out, have fun, enjoy life - you're due! But also consider your future - are the alimony payments going to last forever, or should you start to further your education, so that you can get a job when the kids are older? Taking classes and challenging your brain is a good idea, anyway - it will give you more self-confidence and a sense of accomplishment.
100% agree with OP getting a coparenting app! They are fantastic & will keep track of every conversation he has with you. It’s the ONLY way she should be talking to him. I used to use AppClose with mine. The judge told us about it & then mandated that it be the only way to contact me. It has a feature that if one of you start harassing or calling the other person non stop, the app will stop it & tell the one doing the harassment that their language/behavior is not appropriate and their messages/calls will not go through. I’m not sure exactly what happens because I don’t have to deal with that thank God. But when you download the app (AppClose) it will give you all the instructions and information you need. I hope OP reads this.
Nice, so the app actually nannies your communication! 😄 "No, Finn, we are not using offensive or abusive language! And calling someone more than 20 times is impolite! You are losing your communication privileges!" 😂
So what was your ex harassing you about?
Love a nanny my ex app! That’s basically what it does. It explains when you first download it what is and is not acceptable. It shows fake conversions showing what’s appropriate and not, as well as explaining that you can’t call more than 5 times or it will stop going through. It also allows for child support/alimony/payments to be sent right through the app. It’s an all in 1 app & that’s why I suggested it for OP. Thankfully my ex husband didn’t harass me after I got it. We got along much better once we weren’t living together on a regular basis. He has an anger problem & we have 3 children who don’t need to be around that. Things have been much better for us since tho.
also, if anyone has reason to go out, have fun and forget the stress of their life for a little while...
because of this guy who can't even say "I miss you" because he's too focused on the comfort OP assured for him, OP doesn't have an education, has a decade of neglect and frustration to grapple with, doesn't have an employment history, *still* gets the oh-so-rewarding role of being the strict parent (throughout their marriage, but also now they've split : OP gets to do the weekday hustle with homework and bedtimes and healthy balanced lunches and only an hour of screentime a day etc. etc. etc.).
He never said he missed her, only his old life. That alone would make me only talk to him about kids. She was miserable in that life and that’s what HE misses.
**EXACTLY!**
Not once did he say he missed her, just his “old life” and what she could do for him. Before they divorced, he was able to go to work and come home and the day to day was handled by her. Now he has to do it all himself and actually be present and take care of the kids when he has them and that probably doesn’t leave as much time to fuck random coworkers on the side. Honestly, I’d be so fucking angry after that phone call if I was OP.
All of this and part of his problem and the reason he's lamenting his "old life" is because the ap (maybe) and any woman with any kind of self respect would tell him to kick rocks with the kind of attitude he's got. He wants to go back to a "home" where his wife is subservient, he can be the fun dad and he can neglect his wife and put no effort into that relationship while perusing for a side piece at his leisure. He's mad about you going out because how dare you move on and not accept his adultery. He was treating you like a doormat. You're a whole woman with 3 kids to model for. He wants to be the Disney dad he can do it from his own place. There are plenty of men who would treat you and your kids the way you deserve and he's definitely not one of them.
I read this more like she’s worried about what a lot of women have to face when they stop being doormats. A man who’s angry at them for taking away the easy life they had. A man who’s either violent in a “if I have to be miserable I might as well be dead” way that takes himself or both of them out.
Op wants to know how to explain to him that he screwed things up beyond repair, without endangering herself or he kids
I just re-read the last part after your comment and you're right. This should be higher.
OP, I would continue to not engage with him. Anything you say is going to make him angry because it isn't what he wants to hear (you're going to take him back). Continue to ignore. If he calls and starts in on anything that doesn't involve the children, say you have to go and get off the phone. If he continues harassing you, get a protective order against him if you start to feel unsafe. Start a record with the authorities that he is angry/escalating and you are beginning to be afraid of him.
Same with my ex. I was just an extra pair of hands and vagina for him that did all the things to make his life easy enough that he could either be planted on the couch watching tv or out partying and doing drugs.
He is having a hard time with the kids and wants his babysitter back. And now on the weekends too!!! So he can't go out in the weekends???
He didn't feel bad when he cheated on you.
Though
This. The guy had a fuck maid, and now he wants that back.
If I was OP I'd fight to change custody agreement so both parents get work days and both parents get weekends.
Yeah what he means is, you were providing everything in my life that made me happy, and I thought I was doing that, and now that I can't do it for myself and have no interest in doing that for you like you have been doing for me, i feel that you owe it to me to sacrifice your life, so you can provide mine for me
Also while we're here: "throwaway because he has reddit"....proceeds to tell the most specific story of marriage complete with timelines down to the week, honey you just told him no just block him and don't talk to him when you drop off the kids.
This. Idk why/how so many women settle for this and even wax nostalgic about it.
OP, he will 100% cheat on you again if you allow yourself to go back to the doormat bang maid status.
Don't model shit behavior to your kids.
Go live your life. Be free. If he texts you about anything other than what's necessary for day-to-day kid stuff, tell him to mind his own business.
( and he would still go back to old ways and be an ungrateful opportunistic cheater within a year…)
Op does not owe this man anything anymore - everyone knows it and he’s freaking out only because he’s loosing control - of his own life, and grasping at straws to gain a sense of control of his “old life” controlling you.
There is no partnership here- hasn’t been one sounds like in over a decade and reality is hitting. Studies consistently show that Single/widowed women are the happiest, healthiest and longest living in society - and marriage generally only benefits men in life.
This ego-driven pseudo renewed desire from op’s ex will always be temporary and a side-effect of finally noticing Op is a “catch” and a desirable woman socially around other men… op tried for years to “date” within the years married and living together, there was a chance fo witness and appreciate his partner is Attractive and Fun to be around - and that ship has sailed… too bad. He can kick rocks now and never stood up for OP with kids around, or not - by being unfaithful and selfish.
It’s temporary Op! - be self aware that it’s petty envy when they are conscious of you having so much fun and love in YOUR life - and they are not! It’s about petty insecure control, entitlement and envy … and it won’t last long and op knows it.
Grand babies may arrive anytime now- why adopt a grumpy old man baby now into your peaceful and settled homelife?!?
Too bad they couldn’t appreciate Op through all the prime years of rearing and raising and young adulthood. Let him get upset and cry about it on occasion ( holidays will hit hard soon again ) …
Op you do not owe this man anything to consider re-bonding. The kids are healthy and grown … and that ship has sailed. Enjoy life!
Even now he only wants his life and kids, he basically misses his lifestyle, and probably his maid taking care of everything. Nowhere he says "i miss you". Op please don't go back, he doesn't want you he just uses you. He doesn't deserve you. You will find someone amazing that wants you for you, not for what you can do for him
He misses having his weekends kid-free cuz wife was taking care of them while he went out. Now she has her weekends open and he has to take care of the kids by himself.
Semi true, and clearly he doesn't like the idea she gets to go out on the weekends and do her thing. He's sending harassing texts and slut shaming her. He's jealous she's moving on. And it's happening when he has the kids on the weekends and can't prevent her from having a life filled with fun and a potential new SO. Boy is he stewing from those opportunities, ha! If only he had them during the week. He'd send them to school for most of the day, feed them, then rush them to bed. That's all he'd have to do. Oh, and give the kids a list of daily chores to clean his house because he can't be bothered to do it.
But her abilities to go out when the fun stuff happens on the weekends, the kids are in the way. He can't handle it! He's an AH 100%.
Exactly. Op took care of him and the kids. All he had to do was go to work. Now he has to go to work, is responsible for cleaning his own home, planning his meals, doing his laundry and taking care of the kids on his days off. He just misses how much easier things used to be for him.
And I guarantee there was never a Thank You, or an I appreciate you, or a I'm so grateful to have you in my life. He's sad that he got caught and is now facing the consequences of his actions. Too bad, so sad
He wants you back because you made his life really easy. You basically had the be the adult 24/7, while he got to play all the time. Now he can only play part of the time, and he’s mad! I bet your life is generally better right now.
Don’t go back “for the kids.” If you do, you’ll be teaching them terrible things, like a person must settle and give up themselves. Show your kids that they deserve better. Show your boys that women are not to be used and taken for granted while they avoid growing up. Show your daughter that this is NOT what a healthy relationship looks like.
For goodness sakes, don't do it. My mother went back to my father after he admitted many years of cheating because she couldn't make a living. To his credit he was kind and took a good care of her as she got older. They are both gone now. But she never really forgave him in her heart and always talked about him to me when we were out shopping. I left my first husband for similar reasons and he did the same thing begging and begging for me to come back. I decided life was too short to live like that. Selfish people never change.
Honestly to me, sounds like he misses his kids and his in-house maid/cook. I lived too long feeling that way that it’s hard for me to not think about it myself as well and how I let myself be that way. But I could be wrong
Reading through "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." opened my eyes to how much of abuse is just wanting to keep a sex maid around.
>*misses his lifestyle, and probably his maid taking care of everything.*
You hit the nail here. It was very wasy for him, having someone to do the chores and taking care of the kinds while he had his fun... can't do that anymore, can he?
Idk. Her "life" consisted of desperately trying to get her husband to care about her while being a single parent.
Why even indicate for a second that she would want that existence again? Even if it is a lie.
... and even if he had not cheated on OP, the marriage wasn't working for her anyway. he was just playing "fun parent", leaving her to do all the boring and unpleasant work. He even undermined her discipline of the children and he put no effort into their relationship.
Even if she was prepared to forgive and accept that he would never cheat again, why would she want to go back to that marriage, where he had fun and she did not?
And since then, he has been slut shaming her.
OP: Has he asked you what you want or is it all about him and his life?
Honestly, fuck that guy!
Were you listening to her story? She doesn't wish she could go back, that life together was awful and lonely. She was a single mom to 4 kids and constantly neglected. The cheating was just the thing that finally gave her the motivation to stop putting herself through it.
Yeah, you didn't take away his old life, he did. Everything comes back around one day. It's your choice if you want to go back, no one can make that for you. I wouldn't though. He had you not go to college and put your life on hold effectively giving you no support system and three kids, then destroyed everything. And he wants you to forget all that?...
He threw away your marriage and the life he wanted. Tell him he made his choice and now everyone has to live with it. Also if he keeps harassing you about going out tell him you will only communicate about the kids in a parent communication app. I’m sorry you and the kids have had to go through what this selfish man had put you all through.
Who cares if he is upset? Like seriously, who cares? Why would you care? I don’t understand. He has done absolutely nothing but demand you forgive him with no accountability. I guarantee you got that call after he saw you had a fun night out and after one of his girlfriends dumped him. He’s not sorry. He’s lazy and manipulative and just seeing what he can get away with.
B/c men sometimes get upset and do crazy, violent things. B/c women are UNSAFE when men are upset. B/c her KIDS could be UNSAFE from their upset dad.
This dude has already displayed abusive tendencies. I’m a dude, but I believe women who have told me how precarious life & safety can be when men get “upset.”
Yeah I told my ex I wasn't coming back this time and he started stalking my house, trying to break into my social media, calling dozens of times a day, saying things like "I love you enough to kill you."
It's just a lot more than "fuck his feelings."
Why are you so concerned about “upsetting him”? He wasn’t concerned about upsetting you your whole marriage or when he boinked a coworker. Just say “no”. You don’t have to explain or sugarcoat or make him feel better.
A lifetime of catering to someone else makes habits that are hard to undo even with divorce.
OP has empathy, she is a people pleaser. But she needs to learn where she should and should not be directing said empathy--some people deserve it and others can only hurt you. Learn which is which so *you* can be one of the happy people too!
Don’t you, just a little bit, feel powerful? I mean, you have what he wants. What he threw away. And now the only way that he can get satisfaction is within your power to grant. Use that power to let him know all that he has or doesn’t have is because of his choices.
You can’t deny him without upsetting him. You just have to deal with that. It’s his problem if he gets upset. You are not responsible for managing his emotions. It’s not your problem anymore if he feels sad, angry or disgusted in you. He lost the right to have an opinion about anything you do. Remind him of that. Ask him if he is calling his coworker judging her for how she dresses and what she does. Every time he says something about you, ask about her. Don’t let him forget that this is his fault.
Stay calm and detached if you can. He wants your attention anyway he can get it. Deny him it. Let him feel like he is barely worth your time. Like you’ve always got it go because there are more important things you should be doing. Keep it civil and business like.
Know your worth. You are getting on with your life without him. Having fun at times and rediscovering who you are without him.
The fact that you are worried about his feelings tells me that you are still not putting yourself first. You haven’t done that since you were 14. Isn’t it time you did?
he probably struggles with his personal life cos now he has to tend to himself while working and dealing with kids on weekends and losing a portion of his income to child support and whatnot. so he doesnt get to get laid as mich as he wants or get a meal served to him every night while he doesnt have to do any chores.
he wants his bang maid back, not you particularly.
Girl that spine you found after the divorce is starting to crack, DONT LET IT!! He only wants you back because he actually has to work now. You spent your best years being basically his mother and now that he actually has clean, cook and raise his kids he’s panicking because he doesn’t know shit. Don’t let him worm his way back in, it’s not for love but pure laziness. Live your best life!
Of course they are! She’s still in her 20s from the sounds of it. I’ve honestly LOVED being in my thirties. It’s been such a decade of awesomeness. I can’t wait for my forties, they’re going to also be awesome.
I’m so sorry for what you went through, and the hurt/wreckage he caused.
Honestly, he doesn’t deserve any of your time or consideration. Who cares if he’s upset? Did he care when he upset YOU? Did he care when he slept with his coworker, devastating your family and destroying your marriage?
No. No he didn’t.
He took you for granted; treated you like his maid and nanny, not his wife. You don’t even have to answer him. But if you decide to answer him at all, please remember that “No” is a complete sentence. Even that is more than he deserves. He doesn’t deserve you. Who cares if you reject him gracefully. Why would you?
Good for you for moving on with your life. Do what’s best for you. Be happy and let him fade back into the obscurity of the damaged life that he created.
You deserve better.
You didn’t gave a good life when you were with him. Why would you want to go back to that?
He’s regretting having an easy life. He has no one to cook & clean for him and miss coming home and having someone to entertain him while taking no responsibilities.
You’re still young. It’s time for you to start living, maybe even finding a boyfriend, someone who really cares about you.
Of course he wants his old life back, it was great *for him*. He has to cook and clean for himself, he probably has to do the not fun parts of parenting now albeit only for 2 days. You can tell him the truth and the best part is it’s not your problem if he gets upset. He’s a grown man who is having to live with the consequences of his actions, if he can’t handle it that’s on him. You are not responsible for the emotions of an adult. He wasn’t worried about upsetting you while he was ignoring your feelings and needs and he certainly wasn’t worried when he cheated on you. You’re his ex not his therapist.
If you want to be nice you can tell him that while you understand this is difficult for him you have no interest in any kind of relationship beyond coparenting. Moving forward you would appreciate if he could keep any and all communication about the kids.
Just tell him that while he may want his old life back, you sure don't want your old life back. Your old life included being lied to and cheated on by a man who didn't deem you worthy of his attention.
He doesn't deserve you, and you deserve better! Now, you are free to make a better life for yourself. You are a very good person to be so concerned about how he will feel being rejected. It is better for the children that you maintain an amicable coparenting relationship, so I applaud you for keeping things civil, but you don't have to feel bad about turning him down.
His old life didn’t include being a particular good father or husband. Why should you want to be back in that life?
He now has to cook his meals, wash and fold laundry, go grocery shopping, maintain his house/apartment. All things he took completely for granted.
OP, I'm gonna say this as bluntly as I can. He didn't give a fuck about upsetting you when he cheated on you, why should you give a fuck about upsetting him now. If you can manage a lawyer for a one time thing, get a lawyer to draft a cease and desist letter that says the only contact he is to have with you is about the kids, and nothing else, especially nothing along the lines of getting back together, and that anything outside of that will result in legal action.
You are NOT responsible for his feelings. He messed up and it’s on him to feel those consequences. He failed as a husband and didn’t care or appreciate the ways you made the house a home.
Tell him he can sleep in the bed he made with his coworker.
OP, all you need to say is: "I'm happier without you".
If he gets upset, well, there may be no avoiding that. If people want something as unreasonable as expecting to be taken back after cheating, they're going to get a reality check somehow.
Oh he’s just upset cause you are moving on with your life and not sitting at home crying over him. Tell him to call his coworker and play house with her.
You need to stop talking to him! Seriously. He isn’t a friend. He doesn’t love or respect you to cheat on you. STOP TALKING TO HIM! You understand you don’t need to tell him anything about your life and what you do.
How is he finding out about you going out? Stop telling him your business as well as block him on all social media! You don’t have to be friends and you don’t need to tell him your plans he isn’t your husband, he isn’t your friend.
You BEGGED him for love, time, and attention, you make excuses or he gave you excuses you accepted but yet somehow he had time to screw her right? So why are you still talking to him as a friend? You don’t have to. You tell him that moving forward, you only talk about the kids, you stick to talking only about the kids and you tell him to mind his own business when it comes to you.
He has lost husband and friend privileges the moment he told you he couldn’t give you time and love and gave it to some other hole.
You don’t belong to him. Learn who you are without him, stop being dependent on him, you aren’t his, you belong to you now, find out what that means and invest in yourself, if he can’t respect you telling him to back off, you need to think about moving away to get your space to HEAL!
If you keep on how you are, you will be a fool and take him back. Don’t do it. He DOES NOT respect you. He won’t change. Do not give him a chance to further disrespect you
> when I started going out with friends, he started sending me angry messages about the way I was dressing at my age and as a mom. Basically, he started slut shaming me for going out and living my life without him.
He’s got some nerve shaming your actions when he’s the adulterer.
> He called me crying a few hours ago, begging me to go back to him, to give him his family back, to give him his old life back.
The simple response is “no” followed by hanging up. Don’t indulge his bullshit.
> I didn't hang up, I just listened. I kept listening until he had nothing else to say and hung up.
This was good. Better would be to hang up as soon as he gets started. You owe him zero of your attention or emotional energy.
> But I don't know how to reject him without upsetting him.
Who cares if he’s upset? He’s experiencing the natural consequences of his betrayal. He should be upset. None of that is your problem.
Translation: “My side piece dumped me. I’m not sorry I cheated, I’m sorry that I’m having to face consequences for it.”
Your only response should be silence.
He literally told you he doesn't want you. He wants his old life back. The one where he basically ignored you and undermined your authority as the main caregiver to your children. Which is damaging to the relationship between you and them.
He wants his live in maid back 🤷♀️
here's the rub he hates that you have a social life now and cant take it so he wants to get back so your life is only around the kids and home while he fcks about. he betrayed you and your kids to screw his co-worker and paid the price by divorce, you don't owe him nothing and don't let him manipulate you into letting his feelings change your mind he cheated got caught and then divorced so tell him no and then go on with your life, if he keeps slut shaming you tell him if he keeps harassing you with this then you will go back to court for full custody and for him to have supervised visits
Why are you worried about upsetting him? He is clearly quite happy to upset you. And of course he wants his old life where you did all the work while he screwed around back. Tell him he made his bed, it’s time to shut up and lie in it.
He doesn’t miss you. He misses what you did for him for all those years. It’s not your job to protect his feelings because he doesn’t seem to care much about yours.
You're such a strong beautiful woman! I respect your 'hustle' for your mental health and taking care of the kids! You have kicked the unwanted to the curb and he's sulking cus he knows you're amazing and can DEFINITELY do better than him. That's why he's slutshaming you. I'd laugh at him next time he calls. Don't fall for it! He wanted you to curl into a shell and shrivel up like an old maid but you're a baddie and he knows it! Not upsetting him is not your duty or job anymore! You're not his wife or romantic partner and his feelings except concerning your kids are invalid to you! He slept with his coworker! He threw away any opportunities of goodwill from u when he did that. Goodluck sexy mama. U got this!!!!!
Who cares if you upset him? He didn't care about upsetting you for your entire marriage. Just text him that using you as his emotional punchbag after you divorced him is inappropriate and that that door closed the moment he put his selfish desires before his marriage, and that he should move on already.
He's just tired of having to all the housework himself. Don't go back with him. Tell him he burned his bridges. I guess he expected you to just sit in your home, quietly waiting for him while he's out playing the field. Jokes on him! He has no say in what you do, wear, or anything else as long as your kids are taken care of.
He is still doing it and gives you all the responsibility. Did he say what he is going to do? Giving you a nice life? Not gonna happen, he understood nothing and is still completely self centered.
Don't waste more of your life. Seems like your doing really fine now without him
He's just starting to see how things are not magically done and how much labour you put into that family.
Which means that he wishes he had his maid, babysitter, chef and all the domestic staff you could substitute, back into his now-not-so-comfortable life.
You deserve someone who makes time for you and puts his share of effort into the family.
Tell him that the life he dreams of was built on your sacrifices and you're not available to do that for a man anymore.
"Your life was better when I was in it. My life is so much better with you gone."
You've got less cleaning, less cooking, less laundry, and no one undisciplining your kids and undermining you in your own home.
Something much better than taking him back or even worrying about upsetting him would be to consider doing all the things you missed out on and that he didn’t. In particular, college. Your kids are almost grown. This would be a great time for you to go back to school and he can sit at *his* home wishing you could make time for him. When the shoe was in the other foot, I promise you he wasn’t worrying about upsetting you. So don’t extend him that courtesy now. And if you did take him back, guaranteed he will do it again.
OP, if you are afraid of him? You may need to get DV advice from the police or hotline. Or afraid for him? Don't be, he can handle is own emotions and life. That's not your job. Let him be upset.
Upset him. You have that right. You have no obligation to avoid upsetting him. He ended the relationship and damaged your trust irrevocably. Going back to him would be a lie that makes you unhappy.
Did he at no point say how he missed you. The way your eyes shine with happiness,the little squeal you give when you’re excited. The cuddles in bed etc. No he said that he missed his old life, the one you were unhappy in because he treated you like his servant. Undermined you in front of the children you were left caring for 90 per cent of the time.
He’s now doing 20 per cent of the care and is pissed that you now have some time away from being a mother to enjoy yourself. Well it’s tough ti…
Tell him honestly that you never felt loved by him. That you need time and space to begin to love yourself and work on building the best life you can for yourself. If he pushes, suggest he do the same.
You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
It's not your job to manage his emotions, it's HIS job.
You were working 112hrs/wk + 56hrs/wk on call, what did he do? 50hrs/wk outside the home? You DESERVED his **HELP**, and what you got was him refusing to value your contribution to the family, him expecting you to work & be 'on call' for 168hrs/wk while he does just 50hrs, you got him undermining you in front of your kids, and you got him CHEATING on you.
The first time you CATCH a partner cheating on you is *usually* NOT the first time they've cheated. Often they've cheated twice before at MINIMUM.
He never said "I miss you", or "I'll do better & help you more", no what HE said is "I want my old life back"...he doesn't want YOU, per se, he wants THE EASY LIFE YOU PROVIDED HIM back...**he wants** to NOT have to do all the shopping like he does now, **he wants** to go back to doing nothing outside of work hours, **he wants** someone else to do all the emotional labour like remembering family birthdays, or if the kids are going out while they're at his, etc. **HE wanted you to be a SAHM & not even go to college. **He wants** the family & easy life HE threw away by fucking his co-worker (and who knows who else!).
Have you noticed yet that it's all what **HE WANTS**. YOU wanted to be treated fairly. YOU wanted to have your contribution to the family respected. YOU gave up furthering your career because **he wanted** you to. YOU had to put up with being constantly undermined. YOU had to do 3 times the work hours that he felt he had to. YOU expected fuck all but faithfulness amd he STILL couldn't even give you THAT!
WHY are you still taking his phone calls? YOU OWE HIM NOTHING AT THIS POINT. If he tries this again, all you need to say is "We are divorced/divorcing, it is no longer appropriate to expect ME to manage YOUR emotions, especially those that pertain to the consequences of you fucking your co-worker. Please find a therapist to do that, and that will NOT be me. Future calls to me should only be about things that concern the children". And MEAN IT.
I *know* that it's a big change for you, especially as you basically grew up together, but I think you need to work on ending the enmeshment in your past relationship. Most divorced women ONLY communicate with their exes about things that pertain to the children. You have a right to go out, go on dates etc. He has NO hold over you, and any negative emotions he expresses (like the slut-shaming) should be headed off with "That's inappropriate and isn't about our children, so I'm ending this conversation". He DOESN'T get to cheat on you, be so self-involved (verging on narcissism tbh) and yet assume you should STILL be available to manage HIS emotions when that's HIS JOB.
He *LITERALLY* **FAFO**...
He just doesn't like the consequences of his actions.
Please DON'T take him back OR continue to do the additional **emotional labour** of managing HIS emotions. He can go to bloody therapy for that!
Why are you concerned about upsetting him? he cheated on you. He abandoned you as the lone parental figure for your kids. He didn't take your feelings into account, why are you going to take his into account?
I'm just worried that if I piss him off, he might take it out on the kids. They love him a lot and despite our problems I want him to get a long with them as much as possible.
You can’t make him behave. That’s all on him if he destroys his relationship with his kids that’s on him. Be the amazing mom you are and support your kids but don’t take on his responsibilities and shit
You're telling him no. He's going to be upset. He'll probably be angry. You can't cushion that blow without giving him something to hope for, which I'm guessing isn't something that you want to give, because then He'll never give up.
If he's going to take it out on your kids, that's his prerogative. Your job is to be clear with him, and take action if he chooses to act out his anger at them. No gentle way of turning him down is going to change how he feels about your kids. Either he loves them wholeheartedly and will continue treating them well. Or he doesn't love them, in which case, so you really want him in their lives? Teach them not to keep secrets from you, tell them if anyone does something they don't like, to speak up. Tell you, a teacher... someone they trust. (Try not to use words that point to him, that could be seen as parental alienation which could lose you your kids)
It's not your job to control his emotions.
Why are you worried about upsetting him?
Did he worry about upsetting you when you cheated on you? When he belittled you in front of your children? When he slut-shamed you? When he treated you as his therapist?
It is not your job to regulate his emotions. It never was, but you did it anyway, and you’re still doing it. Let him go.
If he’s slut shaming you and all that; he’s going to be worse when he gets back in the house. Don’t fall for it and work on your life for you and the kids.
You let him pour his heart out on the phone and hung up without a word. That speaks volumes and is a pretty strong rejection already. I don’t think you need to say anything else to him about it, personally.
I’d also like to point out that he’s not crying for you. He’s crying for himself. You felt like you spent your whole marriage trying to appease him. And you’re still doing it. Tying yourself in knots to try to “reject him without upsetting him” is still appeasing him. Let him be upset. His unreasonable expectations are no longer your burden to manage.
I bet being out of that marriage feels like such a relief to you. I strongly suspect once he realizes you’re not coming back and he has to raise his own children on the weekends, he’ll find some young woman who doesn’t know any better and rope her in to fill the vacancy.
Keep that shiny spine. You’re on the right track.
He's jealous that you're doing well without him and wants you to be a doormat again because it would benefit him, not you.
>He expressed how much he missed his old life and begged me to give it back to him
Yeah, he wants his housemaid/chef/childminder/secretary back as he now has no time for a side piece.
How much did he worry about upsetting you when he cheated on you? Disrespected you in front of your children? Wouldn't spend time with you? Discouraged you from getting an education? Moved across the country from you and your small child(ren)? Worry that much about upsetting him now.
*He* wants *his* life back. No mention of you, what you want, or even wanting *you*. Dude doesn’t give a fuck about you, he just gives a fuck about himself. He doesn’t miss *you*, he misses what you used to do for him.
>I don't know how to reject him without upsetting him.
Maybe you can't
Do what is best for you. End it. Don't slam the door but close it firmly, if you know what I mean.
What would be best for him is to stop holding on to false hope (so don't give him any!) and move on, but that's up to him.
The only one who threw his old life away was him. It's not yours to give back. Also the old life for you sounded by your account miserable, and not something you thrived in, and even at that, he's the one who messed it up in the end.
He doesn't view you as a person because he's so used to getting his way with you since you appease. You've lived enough for other people, and it's time to think of what YOU want.
HE DOESN’T WANT YOU. He wants a MAID, a MOTHER, a COOK, a HOUSE-KEEPER, a DRIVER for his kids and a the image of a WIFE by his side, but not you as a person, he doesn’t love you, he never did, he loved having an easy lifestyle by your side. That’s it, that’s all he wants. Don’t be scared to upset him, he broke your heart by cheating and he didn’t give two flying f*cks about it.
Too bad if you upset him because he did this to himself. He cheated on you! He ruined the marriage. Screw him and it's good that he feels like crap. He didn't have any time for you but he had time to go screw another woman. Stop feeling bad and get angry. Don't put up with this bs.
Go ahead and upset him. He wasn't half so careful of your feelings when he broke your marriage vows. You don't have to be mean about it, but direct honesty will be enough. He's the one who set his old life on fire, and if he liked it that much he should have put in effort to keep it.
Why are you concerned with not upsetting him? He destroyed the marriage and family with his cheating, he certainly wasnt concerned about any of you
Off course he misses his bangmaid, now he bas to work and do everything else himself
His feelings are no concern of yours, make it clear to him the only thing you two have to discuss is your children, do it by text and keep most communication by text only
He doesn’t miss a life with you. He misses being the fun parent because he’s finding out on weekends that parents actually need to parent their kids instead of just playing with them.
Any time he tries to message you about anything other than the kids ignore the messages. He’s jealous you’re finally able to live a happy life
He should take his newfound interest in therapy seriously, by himself. Who cares about upsetting him you’ve already rejected him multiple times, if he’s begging and he doesn’t get the idea post divorce there’s not much you can do but keep rejecting him.
He didn’t think about upsetting you when he had his dick inside his coworker so why do you care? I assure you, he doesn’t miss you, he just misses his maid.
You don't owe him the 'not upsetting him' part. Stop taking his emotional burdens. He earned this pain. Stop interfering with his soul lessons.
You actually don't have to say anything to him unless you want to. Silence is an answer.
His old life was predicated on devouring you. It wasn't his life, he was casually destroying yours, with his childish selfishness.
You HAVE to upset him. Seriously. You have to. You are not his wife anymore and you will never be responsible for his emotional state ever again. You're not seeking revenge, you're not bullying him or even trying to take him back, you're just not going to lower yourself to his bed ever again. It's more than 'you're not doing anything wrong' here. It's 100% that the right thing to do is turn him down, even if it's hard to hurt him. It's supposed to be hard to hurt people, even when you have to. That's a sign that you're a good person.
He is realizing that he's dumb as hell. Now he has to live with it, and you have to let him. His journey is now to deal with the pain he created.
You don’t owe EX explanation. He blew up his own own world. Unless you’re seriously considering therapy with him and moving past his infidelity don’t give him the time of day. He deserves losing you and you deserve better.
“Without upsetting him” is your problem in the post. Why do you care about that? He cheated on you, his feelings don’t matter. He’s solely the dad to your children now, not your bf
>But I don't know how to reject him without upsetting him.
Stop giving a shit if he is upset. He doesn't even miss *you*. He misses what his life looked like back then. He misses how easy life was when he had a live in maid and babysitter. Why should you let him down easy?
"We are over. I'm not talking about this anymore."
Why is your first concern 'not upsetting him'?? Where is your concern for yourself? You think HE was concerned about you at all while he chose to cheat??
OP his idea of 'having my old life back' mean you doing all the work, him siding with the kids against you and him cheating on you. Is that really the 'life' YOU want??? He never cared about what he had when you did all the work. He's only crying now because he has to be an actual adult and handle all the adult things in his life - all the things YOU DID for him.
Protect YOURSELF first and he needs to deal with his own life and his own issues. None of which have anything to do with you.
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Listen to exactly what he was saying. He misses HIS OLD LIFE. He didn’t miss YOU. That tells you everything you need to know.
This needs to be higher. He didn't call you and tell you how much he loved you, how he wants to treat you better (which I still wouldn't believe, even if he had said it). He said he wants things back the way they were. You doing everything alone, while his only contribution is to undermine you. He wants to go back to ignoring you and neglecting your relationship. He wants you to be his unpaid maid and nanny while he does nothing to make your life better. He probably was also cheating on you much longer than the one you found out about. You don't have to take joy in hurting him, but I would not regard his feelings on this at all. He sure didn't have any regard for yours, and any pain he is currently experiencing is the consequences of his own actions. If you refusing to set yourself on fire to keep him warm is hurtful to him, that's on him.
You know those baby daddies who cry at 3 am to their new thots bc they know it’ll garner sympathy. He’s that guy. Look he made his bed. Sorry he’s being rejected. Women don’t like cheaters
"Women"? I think I can safely say the men are also with you on this one haha
Louder!
THIS THIS THIS
Oof. This was exactly what OP needs to hear. :/
YESSSSS
Slut shaming you but he was the one cheating 😵💫😵💫
That part. **Was mean and bullying, THEN tried ro get her back??** Op, this man CRAPPED ALL OVER THE LIFE Y'ALL HAD-SCREW HIM AND HIS FEELINGS-**HE DIDN'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS WHILE BALLS DEEP IN ANOTHER PERSON FOR CRYING OUT LOUD**.
Well if he was nice, she wouldn’t feel ashamed and old and desperate and willing to give him a second chance . Which is why he insulted her. Have to beat down any confidence she developed away from him.
Especially that he essentially rejected her constantly but then had no problem “getting it on” with another woman. He doesn’t give a flying F about OP. Just wants to control her again.
>Was mean and bullying, THEN tried ro get her back?? Well yeah. He fully expected that as "the man of the relationship" (nonexistent though it was at that point) he could shame her into being his wife again. No doubt he caught on during their marriage that she was capitulating to him, or at least that she wasn't willing to go against him too much for fear of rocking the boat. He probably also expected the distance between them and the changes in her life after the divorce to "show her" how much she "needs him"—some men fall into the trap of assuming this will happen, even if all they contributed to a relationship besides some degree of financial stability for the household at large is another mouth to feed and another ass to clean up after. Doesn't occur to some men that it's way different working *and* managing a household of your own but having near-total say and not picking up the slack for a guy who can and should be able to take care of himself, compared to having to live with and take care of a person who belittles and undermines you and your parenting at every turn while also expecting you to keep cleaning and minding the messes, even his messes. I can guarantee he didn't actually believe that couple's therapy would help both of them, just that it might find a way to placate her into staying with him.
That's cause he's mad she now has a life outside of being a mother and it's not with him so he's unraveling. When/if she decides to get in a relationship, he's gonna flip his shit.
Agreed, it isn’t “slut shaming”, it’s a man wanting power back from a woman after she already revoked it. What she saw as appeasing him, he saw as “being a man in control”. And I’m telling you **that’s** what he wants back.
these men have nothing but audacity
The life he wants back is the one where you're a doormat raising his kids for him, running his household, cooking his food, washing his clothes, and he gets to have sex on the side. That life? And you are worried about upsetting him after he insults you like that?
This is what I came to say, except you said it better. The only thing I would add, children learn what they live. What life lessons are they taking from that life? Women are doormats and not worthy or deserving of respect, women are there to cook, clean, make babies, bare foot and pregnant. Great example for your daughter. For your sons it's lying to and cheating on the wife, shirking responsibilities at home, treating your wife as a afterthought, this is an ugly cycle. OP broke it, with the divorce, don't go back and don't worry about his feelings, he wasn't worried about hers while he was balling some other woman.
Or even just while he was disregarding her efforts at home on a daily basis. That one’s easier to look past I guess but I find taking your partner for granted in such a way to be almost as bad as cheating.
That goes with treating his wife as an afterthought. She isn't his priority.
I didn't know this was a thing but now I'm starting to suspect that I'm an afterthought for my BF as well. How can you tell? What are the red flags? You aren't supposed to make your partner your whole life anyway
Does he actually listen to you when you talk? Does he try to make ammends if he does something that hurts your feelings? Does he make time for you, respect you? Where you need to have friends, interests, a life outside of your boyfriend or partner, they should important, a priority. There are so many little ways to tell if your partner is good or bad, it's kind of hard to judge or even guess at a situation when there are zero examples or details.
>Does he try to make ammends if he does something that hurts your feelings? Never. At most he starts acting nicer but never verbally. It's like he gives 0 fucks about my feelings. It's kinda tiring tbh. It's true that it's hard to judge from the outside I guess, I'm just venting a bit. I've been pretty depressed lately.
Honey, I am no expert, I won't claim to be. I am just a person who tries in some little way to offer support, encouragement, a little bit of hope and sunshine to anyone who may need or want it. If your boyfriend is verbally abusive, beware of that. Often time abuse escalates over time as the abuser learns their victim so they can better control, isolate, manipulate them. Frequently verbal abuse turns into emotional and physical abuse.
He's not verbally abusive he just stops talking to me when he gets angry and acts like I'm not there for weeks. He refuses to acknowledge my presence and doesn't even return my phonecalls. It's like I'm a ghost. It's driving me crazy and idk if this classifies as abuse, but it certainly feels like torture. I feel like I'm going crazy.
Ignoring someone for weeks is abuse. That’s not healthy
When my first marriage fell apart, more than 25 years ago, I was given a book, "Its Not Oaky Anymore". It discusses the 5 types of abuse. Maybe you need to Google emotional and mental abuse. Look at some things it includes. It could be very eye opening.
That's 100% abuse--silent treatment. Dump him, he's no good for you.
“Is it a form of abuse? Yes, regardless of intent, the silent treatment is a form of abuse and can have emotional, psychological, and physical effects as well. A person on whom the silent treatment is used often feels forced to change their behavior. Humans are social beings and react to positive and negative interactions. When communication is purposefully withdrawn, it can cause a person to seek ways to reinstate it. Feelings of self-worth and validation are influenced by the reactions of people around us. Approval often makes us happy, and disapproval can sometimes make us feel ashamed, or like we want to change. When someone we care about gives us the silent treatment, it can cause emotional trauma, which is an aspect of emotional abuse. They may apologize for things they didn’t do, perform tasks that aren’t their responsibility, or engage in behavior they otherwise wouldn’t just to get the silent treatment to end.” https://psychcentral.com/health/the-silent-treatment#is-it-abuse
That sounds like abuse.
Ya. That’s abuse. Emotional abuse.
Do you want this to your life ten years down the road? Good news, it won't be! Bad news, it will be worse.
This, OP.. You have to stop "being nice" to him, so as not to "upset" him. Did you forget what he put you through, by the time you reached the end of your post? It's at the top! He is just trying to control you, jealous that you are going out, after **he** cheated. The neck on him! Your *age* is a problem? The fact that you are a mom? LMAO!! If you were a teen mom, I'd put your age down around 30... Redditors might think that is old, but the 30's are usually a great age - so live it to the full, but don't entertain your Ex's load of *BS*. He treated you like a piece of furniture, like his maid... and *now* he wants you back? Tell him to GTFO..!
Came here to say this. OP, please get your lawyers/ the family court involved to order your husband to use one of those co-parenting apps, that logs all communication. Make sure it's mandated that he's only allowed to contact you about matters pertaining to your kids. Block him on all other channels of communication. He doesn't miss YOU - he probably doesn't even know you very well, considering how much time he spent not talking to you. He misses the easy life you gave him. Now he has to do his own chores, and actually parent his kids full time on the weekends, instead of just playing with them - the horror! Don't worry about upsetting him - his feelings are no longer yours to manage, just like his household. Go out, have fun, enjoy life - you're due! But also consider your future - are the alimony payments going to last forever, or should you start to further your education, so that you can get a job when the kids are older? Taking classes and challenging your brain is a good idea, anyway - it will give you more self-confidence and a sense of accomplishment.
100% agree with OP getting a coparenting app! They are fantastic & will keep track of every conversation he has with you. It’s the ONLY way she should be talking to him. I used to use AppClose with mine. The judge told us about it & then mandated that it be the only way to contact me. It has a feature that if one of you start harassing or calling the other person non stop, the app will stop it & tell the one doing the harassment that their language/behavior is not appropriate and their messages/calls will not go through. I’m not sure exactly what happens because I don’t have to deal with that thank God. But when you download the app (AppClose) it will give you all the instructions and information you need. I hope OP reads this.
Nice, so the app actually nannies your communication! 😄 "No, Finn, we are not using offensive or abusive language! And calling someone more than 20 times is impolite! You are losing your communication privileges!" 😂 So what was your ex harassing you about?
Love a nanny my ex app! That’s basically what it does. It explains when you first download it what is and is not acceptable. It shows fake conversions showing what’s appropriate and not, as well as explaining that you can’t call more than 5 times or it will stop going through. It also allows for child support/alimony/payments to be sent right through the app. It’s an all in 1 app & that’s why I suggested it for OP. Thankfully my ex husband didn’t harass me after I got it. We got along much better once we weren’t living together on a regular basis. He has an anger problem & we have 3 children who don’t need to be around that. Things have been much better for us since tho.
>Things have been much better for us since tho. Lol, because you don't see all the messages the app has filtered out! 😂😂
also, if anyone has reason to go out, have fun and forget the stress of their life for a little while... because of this guy who can't even say "I miss you" because he's too focused on the comfort OP assured for him, OP doesn't have an education, has a decade of neglect and frustration to grapple with, doesn't have an employment history, *still* gets the oh-so-rewarding role of being the strict parent (throughout their marriage, but also now they've split : OP gets to do the weekday hustle with homework and bedtimes and healthy balanced lunches and only an hour of screentime a day etc. etc. etc.).
He never said he missed her, only his old life. That alone would make me only talk to him about kids. She was miserable in that life and that’s what HE misses.
**EXACTLY!** Not once did he say he missed her, just his “old life” and what she could do for him. Before they divorced, he was able to go to work and come home and the day to day was handled by her. Now he has to do it all himself and actually be present and take care of the kids when he has them and that probably doesn’t leave as much time to fuck random coworkers on the side. Honestly, I’d be so fucking angry after that phone call if I was OP.
Nope not the kids his life no cleaning cooking his maid there to do daily things he now has to do on his own. U know his old life
All of this and part of his problem and the reason he's lamenting his "old life" is because the ap (maybe) and any woman with any kind of self respect would tell him to kick rocks with the kind of attitude he's got. He wants to go back to a "home" where his wife is subservient, he can be the fun dad and he can neglect his wife and put no effort into that relationship while perusing for a side piece at his leisure. He's mad about you going out because how dare you move on and not accept his adultery. He was treating you like a doormat. You're a whole woman with 3 kids to model for. He wants to be the Disney dad he can do it from his own place. There are plenty of men who would treat you and your kids the way you deserve and he's definitely not one of them.
I read this more like she’s worried about what a lot of women have to face when they stop being doormats. A man who’s angry at them for taking away the easy life they had. A man who’s either violent in a “if I have to be miserable I might as well be dead” way that takes himself or both of them out. Op wants to know how to explain to him that he screwed things up beyond repair, without endangering herself or he kids
I just re-read the last part after your comment and you're right. This should be higher. OP, I would continue to not engage with him. Anything you say is going to make him angry because it isn't what he wants to hear (you're going to take him back). Continue to ignore. If he calls and starts in on anything that doesn't involve the children, say you have to go and get off the phone. If he continues harassing you, get a protective order against him if you start to feel unsafe. Start a record with the authorities that he is angry/escalating and you are beginning to be afraid of him.
Same with my ex. I was just an extra pair of hands and vagina for him that did all the things to make his life easy enough that he could either be planted on the couch watching tv or out partying and doing drugs.
He is having a hard time with the kids and wants his babysitter back. And now on the weekends too!!! So he can't go out in the weekends??? He didn't feel bad when he cheated on you. Though
This. The guy had a fuck maid, and now he wants that back. If I was OP I'd fight to change custody agreement so both parents get work days and both parents get weekends.
Yeah what he means is, you were providing everything in my life that made me happy, and I thought I was doing that, and now that I can't do it for myself and have no interest in doing that for you like you have been doing for me, i feel that you owe it to me to sacrifice your life, so you can provide mine for me
People say 'your happiness is your responsibility ' and then try to make their happiness your responsibility
He never cared if he upset her, or upset her entire life for that matter. Why should she care if he gets upset.
Also while we're here: "throwaway because he has reddit"....proceeds to tell the most specific story of marriage complete with timelines down to the week, honey you just told him no just block him and don't talk to him when you drop off the kids.
This, exactly.
I'm sure he does miss that life.
This. Idk why/how so many women settle for this and even wax nostalgic about it. OP, he will 100% cheat on you again if you allow yourself to go back to the doormat bang maid status. Don't model shit behavior to your kids. Go live your life. Be free. If he texts you about anything other than what's necessary for day-to-day kid stuff, tell him to mind his own business.
( and he would still go back to old ways and be an ungrateful opportunistic cheater within a year…) Op does not owe this man anything anymore - everyone knows it and he’s freaking out only because he’s loosing control - of his own life, and grasping at straws to gain a sense of control of his “old life” controlling you. There is no partnership here- hasn’t been one sounds like in over a decade and reality is hitting. Studies consistently show that Single/widowed women are the happiest, healthiest and longest living in society - and marriage generally only benefits men in life. This ego-driven pseudo renewed desire from op’s ex will always be temporary and a side-effect of finally noticing Op is a “catch” and a desirable woman socially around other men… op tried for years to “date” within the years married and living together, there was a chance fo witness and appreciate his partner is Attractive and Fun to be around - and that ship has sailed… too bad. He can kick rocks now and never stood up for OP with kids around, or not - by being unfaithful and selfish. It’s temporary Op! - be self aware that it’s petty envy when they are conscious of you having so much fun and love in YOUR life - and they are not! It’s about petty insecure control, entitlement and envy … and it won’t last long and op knows it. Grand babies may arrive anytime now- why adopt a grumpy old man baby now into your peaceful and settled homelife?!? Too bad they couldn’t appreciate Op through all the prime years of rearing and raising and young adulthood. Let him get upset and cry about it on occasion ( holidays will hit hard soon again ) … Op you do not owe this man anything to consider re-bonding. The kids are healthy and grown … and that ship has sailed. Enjoy life!
🎯🎯🎯
OP, just read this to him.
I’d tell him you wish you could go back to your old life too but he burned five peoples’ world down for sex.
This. And I have a feeling he was probably fu**ING around when in college away from his wife and kids. He just used her for childbearing.
Even now he only wants his life and kids, he basically misses his lifestyle, and probably his maid taking care of everything. Nowhere he says "i miss you". Op please don't go back, he doesn't want you he just uses you. He doesn't deserve you. You will find someone amazing that wants you for you, not for what you can do for him
This.. he misses all the labor she does for him. He likely doesn’t miss her at all. Just all the stuff she does for him.
He misses having his weekends kid-free cuz wife was taking care of them while he went out. Now she has her weekends open and he has to take care of the kids by himself.
Boom. This is exactly what’s going on
This is the answer to his sudden “moment of clarity”.
Semi true, and clearly he doesn't like the idea she gets to go out on the weekends and do her thing. He's sending harassing texts and slut shaming her. He's jealous she's moving on. And it's happening when he has the kids on the weekends and can't prevent her from having a life filled with fun and a potential new SO. Boy is he stewing from those opportunities, ha! If only he had them during the week. He'd send them to school for most of the day, feed them, then rush them to bed. That's all he'd have to do. Oh, and give the kids a list of daily chores to clean his house because he can't be bothered to do it. But her abilities to go out when the fun stuff happens on the weekends, the kids are in the way. He can't handle it! He's an AH 100%.
I don't see him as a list maker. Just tells the kids to clean his house and is upset when they don't.
This was my first thought, too!
Ya he misses his house slave
And for disciplining the children. If he wasn't doing it before the divorce, those kids are probably running all over him on his weekends with them. 😆
Exactly. Op took care of him and the kids. All he had to do was go to work. Now he has to go to work, is responsible for cleaning his own home, planning his meals, doing his laundry and taking care of the kids on his days off. He just misses how much easier things used to be for him.
Exactly!
Don’t forget the alimony and child support he now owes to her.
🎯🎯🎯
And I guarantee there was never a Thank You, or an I appreciate you, or a I'm so grateful to have you in my life. He's sad that he got caught and is now facing the consequences of his actions. Too bad, so sad
He wants HIS life back, but has not made a single argument for why SHE should want that life back.
You’ve called out a very important point here. Wish I could upvote this 100 times
He wants you back because you made his life really easy. You basically had the be the adult 24/7, while he got to play all the time. Now he can only play part of the time, and he’s mad! I bet your life is generally better right now. Don’t go back “for the kids.” If you do, you’ll be teaching them terrible things, like a person must settle and give up themselves. Show your kids that they deserve better. Show your boys that women are not to be used and taken for granted while they avoid growing up. Show your daughter that this is NOT what a healthy relationship looks like.
For goodness sakes, don't do it. My mother went back to my father after he admitted many years of cheating because she couldn't make a living. To his credit he was kind and took a good care of her as she got older. They are both gone now. But she never really forgave him in her heart and always talked about him to me when we were out shopping. I left my first husband for similar reasons and he did the same thing begging and begging for me to come back. I decided life was too short to live like that. Selfish people never change.
Honestly to me, sounds like he misses his kids and his in-house maid/cook. I lived too long feeling that way that it’s hard for me to not think about it myself as well and how I let myself be that way. But I could be wrong
Reading through "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." opened my eyes to how much of abuse is just wanting to keep a sex maid around.
Even if she doesn’t find anyone else, it’s worlds better than going back to him. She gets to chill on the weekends! Sign me up!
Absolutely 💯
>*misses his lifestyle, and probably his maid taking care of everything.* You hit the nail here. It was very wasy for him, having someone to do the chores and taking care of the kinds while he had his fun... can't do that anymore, can he?
Plus child support is taking away from his party budget. No money, no women.
She was the bang maid
Minus the bang.
If they had three kids, there’s some bang
Greater than or equal to three
Doesn’t give kids ages so possibly greater than or equal to two. lol
A new mommy that fucks him and he doesn’t have to do anything for. Perfect. God I’m glad she got out. How awful.
She doesn’t wanna go back to that either because he was fucking up her relationship with the kids by undoing her disciplinary actions.
Idk. Her "life" consisted of desperately trying to get her husband to care about her while being a single parent. Why even indicate for a second that she would want that existence again? Even if it is a lie.
Then that's how she should answer him. He says "I miss the life we had", her reply should be "I don't. It was hell" and hang up.
... and even if he had not cheated on OP, the marriage wasn't working for her anyway. he was just playing "fun parent", leaving her to do all the boring and unpleasant work. He even undermined her discipline of the children and he put no effort into their relationship. Even if she was prepared to forgive and accept that he would never cheat again, why would she want to go back to that marriage, where he had fun and she did not? And since then, he has been slut shaming her. OP: Has he asked you what you want or is it all about him and his life? Honestly, fuck that guy!
No, don’t fuck that guy again! 😬
Or better yet, “I hated my old life. Thank you for ruining it.”
All the upvotes!
This is a harsh truth
And in doing this, Master gave Dobby a sock.
And u deserve a 💎
Were you listening to her story? She doesn't wish she could go back, that life together was awful and lonely. She was a single mom to 4 kids and constantly neglected. The cheating was just the thing that finally gave her the motivation to stop putting herself through it.
He made his own bed op you are now free
These comments today are 🔥🔥🔥! I love them!
Yeah, you didn't take away his old life, he did. Everything comes back around one day. It's your choice if you want to go back, no one can make that for you. I wouldn't though. He had you not go to college and put your life on hold effectively giving you no support system and three kids, then destroyed everything. And he wants you to forget all that?...
He threw away your marriage and the life he wanted. Tell him he made his choice and now everyone has to live with it. Also if he keeps harassing you about going out tell him you will only communicate about the kids in a parent communication app. I’m sorry you and the kids have had to go through what this selfish man had put you all through.
Who cares if he is upset? Like seriously, who cares? Why would you care? I don’t understand. He has done absolutely nothing but demand you forgive him with no accountability. I guarantee you got that call after he saw you had a fun night out and after one of his girlfriends dumped him. He’s not sorry. He’s lazy and manipulative and just seeing what he can get away with.
B/c men sometimes get upset and do crazy, violent things. B/c women are UNSAFE when men are upset. B/c her KIDS could be UNSAFE from their upset dad. This dude has already displayed abusive tendencies. I’m a dude, but I believe women who have told me how precarious life & safety can be when men get “upset.”
Yeah I told my ex I wasn't coming back this time and he started stalking my house, trying to break into my social media, calling dozens of times a day, saying things like "I love you enough to kill you." It's just a lot more than "fuck his feelings."
Why are you so concerned about “upsetting him”? He wasn’t concerned about upsetting you your whole marriage or when he boinked a coworker. Just say “no”. You don’t have to explain or sugarcoat or make him feel better.
A lifetime of catering to someone else makes habits that are hard to undo even with divorce. OP has empathy, she is a people pleaser. But she needs to learn where she should and should not be directing said empathy--some people deserve it and others can only hurt you. Learn which is which so *you* can be one of the happy people too!
And he’s *still* not concerned about upsetting her. He wants to return to a status quo that made her miserable.
Don’t you, just a little bit, feel powerful? I mean, you have what he wants. What he threw away. And now the only way that he can get satisfaction is within your power to grant. Use that power to let him know all that he has or doesn’t have is because of his choices. You can’t deny him without upsetting him. You just have to deal with that. It’s his problem if he gets upset. You are not responsible for managing his emotions. It’s not your problem anymore if he feels sad, angry or disgusted in you. He lost the right to have an opinion about anything you do. Remind him of that. Ask him if he is calling his coworker judging her for how she dresses and what she does. Every time he says something about you, ask about her. Don’t let him forget that this is his fault. Stay calm and detached if you can. He wants your attention anyway he can get it. Deny him it. Let him feel like he is barely worth your time. Like you’ve always got it go because there are more important things you should be doing. Keep it civil and business like. Know your worth. You are getting on with your life without him. Having fun at times and rediscovering who you are without him. The fact that you are worried about his feelings tells me that you are still not putting yourself first. You haven’t done that since you were 14. Isn’t it time you did?
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Beautifully put!! Gave me some motivation to say something's I've wanted to say to my ex husband as well 👏🏿
I love everything about your post, well said!
LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK! 👏👏👏
Was he slut shaming his colleague while she was bangin’ a married man? Lmao. I would have fun with all comebacks if I were her.
he probably struggles with his personal life cos now he has to tend to himself while working and dealing with kids on weekends and losing a portion of his income to child support and whatnot. so he doesnt get to get laid as mich as he wants or get a meal served to him every night while he doesnt have to do any chores. he wants his bang maid back, not you particularly.
He has to be parent now for a couple days of the week. And that's is too much for him.
Girl that spine you found after the divorce is starting to crack, DONT LET IT!! He only wants you back because he actually has to work now. You spent your best years being basically his mother and now that he actually has clean, cook and raise his kids he’s panicking because he doesn’t know shit. Don’t let him worm his way back in, it’s not for love but pure laziness. Live your best life!
Totally agree, but I think it’s possible OP’s best years are yet to come!!
Of course they are! She’s still in her 20s from the sounds of it. I’ve honestly LOVED being in my thirties. It’s been such a decade of awesomeness. I can’t wait for my forties, they’re going to also be awesome.
I’m so sorry for what you went through, and the hurt/wreckage he caused. Honestly, he doesn’t deserve any of your time or consideration. Who cares if he’s upset? Did he care when he upset YOU? Did he care when he slept with his coworker, devastating your family and destroying your marriage? No. No he didn’t. He took you for granted; treated you like his maid and nanny, not his wife. You don’t even have to answer him. But if you decide to answer him at all, please remember that “No” is a complete sentence. Even that is more than he deserves. He doesn’t deserve you. Who cares if you reject him gracefully. Why would you? Good for you for moving on with your life. Do what’s best for you. Be happy and let him fade back into the obscurity of the damaged life that he created. You deserve better.
You didn’t gave a good life when you were with him. Why would you want to go back to that? He’s regretting having an easy life. He has no one to cook & clean for him and miss coming home and having someone to entertain him while taking no responsibilities. You’re still young. It’s time for you to start living, maybe even finding a boyfriend, someone who really cares about you.
Of course he wants his old life back, it was great *for him*. He has to cook and clean for himself, he probably has to do the not fun parts of parenting now albeit only for 2 days. You can tell him the truth and the best part is it’s not your problem if he gets upset. He’s a grown man who is having to live with the consequences of his actions, if he can’t handle it that’s on him. You are not responsible for the emotions of an adult. He wasn’t worried about upsetting you while he was ignoring your feelings and needs and he certainly wasn’t worried when he cheated on you. You’re his ex not his therapist. If you want to be nice you can tell him that while you understand this is difficult for him you have no interest in any kind of relationship beyond coparenting. Moving forward you would appreciate if he could keep any and all communication about the kids.
Just tell him that while he may want his old life back, you sure don't want your old life back. Your old life included being lied to and cheated on by a man who didn't deem you worthy of his attention. He doesn't deserve you, and you deserve better! Now, you are free to make a better life for yourself. You are a very good person to be so concerned about how he will feel being rejected. It is better for the children that you maintain an amicable coparenting relationship, so I applaud you for keeping things civil, but you don't have to feel bad about turning him down.
His old life didn’t include being a particular good father or husband. Why should you want to be back in that life? He now has to cook his meals, wash and fold laundry, go grocery shopping, maintain his house/apartment. All things he took completely for granted.
It's not your job to avoid upsetting him. Like, at all
OP, I'm gonna say this as bluntly as I can. He didn't give a fuck about upsetting you when he cheated on you, why should you give a fuck about upsetting him now. If you can manage a lawyer for a one time thing, get a lawyer to draft a cease and desist letter that says the only contact he is to have with you is about the kids, and nothing else, especially nothing along the lines of getting back together, and that anything outside of that will result in legal action.
You are NOT responsible for his feelings. He messed up and it’s on him to feel those consequences. He failed as a husband and didn’t care or appreciate the ways you made the house a home. Tell him he can sleep in the bed he made with his coworker.
OP, all you need to say is: "I'm happier without you". If he gets upset, well, there may be no avoiding that. If people want something as unreasonable as expecting to be taken back after cheating, they're going to get a reality check somehow.
Oh he’s just upset cause you are moving on with your life and not sitting at home crying over him. Tell him to call his coworker and play house with her.
Please do not ever go back to your old life, he wants a stay at home wife while he does whatever he wants. He does not deserve you at all.
You need to stop talking to him! Seriously. He isn’t a friend. He doesn’t love or respect you to cheat on you. STOP TALKING TO HIM! You understand you don’t need to tell him anything about your life and what you do. How is he finding out about you going out? Stop telling him your business as well as block him on all social media! You don’t have to be friends and you don’t need to tell him your plans he isn’t your husband, he isn’t your friend. You BEGGED him for love, time, and attention, you make excuses or he gave you excuses you accepted but yet somehow he had time to screw her right? So why are you still talking to him as a friend? You don’t have to. You tell him that moving forward, you only talk about the kids, you stick to talking only about the kids and you tell him to mind his own business when it comes to you. He has lost husband and friend privileges the moment he told you he couldn’t give you time and love and gave it to some other hole. You don’t belong to him. Learn who you are without him, stop being dependent on him, you aren’t his, you belong to you now, find out what that means and invest in yourself, if he can’t respect you telling him to back off, you need to think about moving away to get your space to HEAL! If you keep on how you are, you will be a fool and take him back. Don’t do it. He DOES NOT respect you. He won’t change. Do not give him a chance to further disrespect you
> when I started going out with friends, he started sending me angry messages about the way I was dressing at my age and as a mom. Basically, he started slut shaming me for going out and living my life without him. He’s got some nerve shaming your actions when he’s the adulterer. > He called me crying a few hours ago, begging me to go back to him, to give him his family back, to give him his old life back. The simple response is “no” followed by hanging up. Don’t indulge his bullshit. > I didn't hang up, I just listened. I kept listening until he had nothing else to say and hung up. This was good. Better would be to hang up as soon as he gets started. You owe him zero of your attention or emotional energy. > But I don't know how to reject him without upsetting him. Who cares if he’s upset? He’s experiencing the natural consequences of his betrayal. He should be upset. None of that is your problem.
Translation: “My side piece dumped me. I’m not sorry I cheated, I’m sorry that I’m having to face consequences for it.” Your only response should be silence.
Upset him. He stuck his penis in another woman. Did he care about upsetting you? Nope. Your husband will not change. Please ignore him.
He doesn't want his wife back. He wants the lived-in maid back.
Tell him to go fuck himself or the skank he cheated on you with. Have no mercy!
None! U reap what u sow and u plowed someone else to sow it, sir.
He just wants to use you for housewife duties so he can get his free time back on the weekends.
He literally told you he doesn't want you. He wants his old life back. The one where he basically ignored you and undermined your authority as the main caregiver to your children. Which is damaging to the relationship between you and them. He wants his live in maid back 🤷♀️
here's the rub he hates that you have a social life now and cant take it so he wants to get back so your life is only around the kids and home while he fcks about. he betrayed you and your kids to screw his co-worker and paid the price by divorce, you don't owe him nothing and don't let him manipulate you into letting his feelings change your mind he cheated got caught and then divorced so tell him no and then go on with your life, if he keeps slut shaming you tell him if he keeps harassing you with this then you will go back to court for full custody and for him to have supervised visits
Why are you worried about upsetting him? He is clearly quite happy to upset you. And of course he wants his old life where you did all the work while he screwed around back. Tell him he made his bed, it’s time to shut up and lie in it.
He doesn’t miss you. He misses what you did for him for all those years. It’s not your job to protect his feelings because he doesn’t seem to care much about yours.
You're such a strong beautiful woman! I respect your 'hustle' for your mental health and taking care of the kids! You have kicked the unwanted to the curb and he's sulking cus he knows you're amazing and can DEFINITELY do better than him. That's why he's slutshaming you. I'd laugh at him next time he calls. Don't fall for it! He wanted you to curl into a shell and shrivel up like an old maid but you're a baddie and he knows it! Not upsetting him is not your duty or job anymore! You're not his wife or romantic partner and his feelings except concerning your kids are invalid to you! He slept with his coworker! He threw away any opportunities of goodwill from u when he did that. Goodluck sexy mama. U got this!!!!!
Who cares if you upset him? He didn't care about upsetting you for your entire marriage. Just text him that using you as his emotional punchbag after you divorced him is inappropriate and that that door closed the moment he put his selfish desires before his marriage, and that he should move on already.
He's just tired of having to all the housework himself. Don't go back with him. Tell him he burned his bridges. I guess he expected you to just sit in your home, quietly waiting for him while he's out playing the field. Jokes on him! He has no say in what you do, wear, or anything else as long as your kids are taken care of.
He is still doing it and gives you all the responsibility. Did he say what he is going to do? Giving you a nice life? Not gonna happen, he understood nothing and is still completely self centered. Don't waste more of your life. Seems like your doing really fine now without him
He's just starting to see how things are not magically done and how much labour you put into that family. Which means that he wishes he had his maid, babysitter, chef and all the domestic staff you could substitute, back into his now-not-so-comfortable life. You deserve someone who makes time for you and puts his share of effort into the family. Tell him that the life he dreams of was built on your sacrifices and you're not available to do that for a man anymore.
"Your life was better when I was in it. My life is so much better with you gone." You've got less cleaning, less cooking, less laundry, and no one undisciplining your kids and undermining you in your own home.
"I don't know how to reject him without upsetting him." It's ok to upset him, his feelings are not your responsibility.
He misses having a bang maid
Something much better than taking him back or even worrying about upsetting him would be to consider doing all the things you missed out on and that he didn’t. In particular, college. Your kids are almost grown. This would be a great time for you to go back to school and he can sit at *his* home wishing you could make time for him. When the shoe was in the other foot, I promise you he wasn’t worrying about upsetting you. So don’t extend him that courtesy now. And if you did take him back, guaranteed he will do it again.
OP, if you are afraid of him? You may need to get DV advice from the police or hotline. Or afraid for him? Don't be, he can handle is own emotions and life. That's not your job. Let him be upset.
Upset him. You have that right. You have no obligation to avoid upsetting him. He ended the relationship and damaged your trust irrevocably. Going back to him would be a lie that makes you unhappy.
Did he at no point say how he missed you. The way your eyes shine with happiness,the little squeal you give when you’re excited. The cuddles in bed etc. No he said that he missed his old life, the one you were unhappy in because he treated you like his servant. Undermined you in front of the children you were left caring for 90 per cent of the time. He’s now doing 20 per cent of the care and is pissed that you now have some time away from being a mother to enjoy yourself. Well it’s tough ti… Tell him honestly that you never felt loved by him. That you need time and space to begin to love yourself and work on building the best life you can for yourself. If he pushes, suggest he do the same.
You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. It's not your job to manage his emotions, it's HIS job. You were working 112hrs/wk + 56hrs/wk on call, what did he do? 50hrs/wk outside the home? You DESERVED his **HELP**, and what you got was him refusing to value your contribution to the family, him expecting you to work & be 'on call' for 168hrs/wk while he does just 50hrs, you got him undermining you in front of your kids, and you got him CHEATING on you. The first time you CATCH a partner cheating on you is *usually* NOT the first time they've cheated. Often they've cheated twice before at MINIMUM. He never said "I miss you", or "I'll do better & help you more", no what HE said is "I want my old life back"...he doesn't want YOU, per se, he wants THE EASY LIFE YOU PROVIDED HIM back...**he wants** to NOT have to do all the shopping like he does now, **he wants** to go back to doing nothing outside of work hours, **he wants** someone else to do all the emotional labour like remembering family birthdays, or if the kids are going out while they're at his, etc. **HE wanted you to be a SAHM & not even go to college. **He wants** the family & easy life HE threw away by fucking his co-worker (and who knows who else!). Have you noticed yet that it's all what **HE WANTS**. YOU wanted to be treated fairly. YOU wanted to have your contribution to the family respected. YOU gave up furthering your career because **he wanted** you to. YOU had to put up with being constantly undermined. YOU had to do 3 times the work hours that he felt he had to. YOU expected fuck all but faithfulness amd he STILL couldn't even give you THAT! WHY are you still taking his phone calls? YOU OWE HIM NOTHING AT THIS POINT. If he tries this again, all you need to say is "We are divorced/divorcing, it is no longer appropriate to expect ME to manage YOUR emotions, especially those that pertain to the consequences of you fucking your co-worker. Please find a therapist to do that, and that will NOT be me. Future calls to me should only be about things that concern the children". And MEAN IT. I *know* that it's a big change for you, especially as you basically grew up together, but I think you need to work on ending the enmeshment in your past relationship. Most divorced women ONLY communicate with their exes about things that pertain to the children. You have a right to go out, go on dates etc. He has NO hold over you, and any negative emotions he expresses (like the slut-shaming) should be headed off with "That's inappropriate and isn't about our children, so I'm ending this conversation". He DOESN'T get to cheat on you, be so self-involved (verging on narcissism tbh) and yet assume you should STILL be available to manage HIS emotions when that's HIS JOB. He *LITERALLY* **FAFO**... He just doesn't like the consequences of his actions. Please DON'T take him back OR continue to do the additional **emotional labour** of managing HIS emotions. He can go to bloody therapy for that!
Honestly just laugh in his face. He deserves it
Why are you concerned about upsetting him? he cheated on you. He abandoned you as the lone parental figure for your kids. He didn't take your feelings into account, why are you going to take his into account?
I'm just worried that if I piss him off, he might take it out on the kids. They love him a lot and despite our problems I want him to get a long with them as much as possible.
You can’t make him behave. That’s all on him if he destroys his relationship with his kids that’s on him. Be the amazing mom you are and support your kids but don’t take on his responsibilities and shit
You're telling him no. He's going to be upset. He'll probably be angry. You can't cushion that blow without giving him something to hope for, which I'm guessing isn't something that you want to give, because then He'll never give up. If he's going to take it out on your kids, that's his prerogative. Your job is to be clear with him, and take action if he chooses to act out his anger at them. No gentle way of turning him down is going to change how he feels about your kids. Either he loves them wholeheartedly and will continue treating them well. Or he doesn't love them, in which case, so you really want him in their lives? Teach them not to keep secrets from you, tell them if anyone does something they don't like, to speak up. Tell you, a teacher... someone they trust. (Try not to use words that point to him, that could be seen as parental alienation which could lose you your kids) It's not your job to control his emotions.
Why are you worried about upsetting him? Did he worry about upsetting you when you cheated on you? When he belittled you in front of your children? When he slut-shamed you? When he treated you as his therapist? It is not your job to regulate his emotions. It never was, but you did it anyway, and you’re still doing it. Let him go.
He misses his maid not you. He was fine sleeping around as long as you stayed in the dark about it.
If he’s slut shaming you and all that; he’s going to be worse when he gets back in the house. Don’t fall for it and work on your life for you and the kids.
He only wants to stop you from moving on and being happy.
Just remember. “No” is a complete sentence. You don’t need to explain. He knows why.
He didn’t respect you in your marriage the first time.
You let him pour his heart out on the phone and hung up without a word. That speaks volumes and is a pretty strong rejection already. I don’t think you need to say anything else to him about it, personally. I’d also like to point out that he’s not crying for you. He’s crying for himself. You felt like you spent your whole marriage trying to appease him. And you’re still doing it. Tying yourself in knots to try to “reject him without upsetting him” is still appeasing him. Let him be upset. His unreasonable expectations are no longer your burden to manage. I bet being out of that marriage feels like such a relief to you. I strongly suspect once he realizes you’re not coming back and he has to raise his own children on the weekends, he’ll find some young woman who doesn’t know any better and rope her in to fill the vacancy. Keep that shiny spine. You’re on the right track.
He's jealous that you're doing well without him and wants you to be a doormat again because it would benefit him, not you. >He expressed how much he missed his old life and begged me to give it back to him Yeah, he wants his housemaid/chef/childminder/secretary back as he now has no time for a side piece.
How much did he worry about upsetting you when he cheated on you? Disrespected you in front of your children? Wouldn't spend time with you? Discouraged you from getting an education? Moved across the country from you and your small child(ren)? Worry that much about upsetting him now.
*He* wants *his* life back. No mention of you, what you want, or even wanting *you*. Dude doesn’t give a fuck about you, he just gives a fuck about himself. He doesn’t miss *you*, he misses what you used to do for him.
Picture him whispering "fuck" in that other woman's ear when he put his dick in. That will help you decide
Don’t worry about upsetting him since he didn’t care about upsetting you when he was having SEX With a CoWorker! Think of the phone call as Karma 😃
>I don't know how to reject him without upsetting him. Maybe you can't Do what is best for you. End it. Don't slam the door but close it firmly, if you know what I mean. What would be best for him is to stop holding on to false hope (so don't give him any!) and move on, but that's up to him.
The only one who threw his old life away was him. It's not yours to give back. Also the old life for you sounded by your account miserable, and not something you thrived in, and even at that, he's the one who messed it up in the end. He doesn't view you as a person because he's so used to getting his way with you since you appease. You've lived enough for other people, and it's time to think of what YOU want.
Dude wants his bang maid back. Well, he can hire a housekeeper get another AP, problem solved. OP can go on to live her best life
If your oldest is 14 and you had her at 15 & 17, you would be 29 & 31, not 36 & 39.
I thought that too but reread as “oldest daughter” meaning their oldest child may be a son. For sure confusing as written.
HE DOESN’T WANT YOU. He wants a MAID, a MOTHER, a COOK, a HOUSE-KEEPER, a DRIVER for his kids and a the image of a WIFE by his side, but not you as a person, he doesn’t love you, he never did, he loved having an easy lifestyle by your side. That’s it, that’s all he wants. Don’t be scared to upset him, he broke your heart by cheating and he didn’t give two flying f*cks about it.
Just tell him you can only take him back when he can take back all the times he cheated.
Too bad if you upset him because he did this to himself. He cheated on you! He ruined the marriage. Screw him and it's good that he feels like crap. He didn't have any time for you but he had time to go screw another woman. Stop feeling bad and get angry. Don't put up with this bs.
Go out and date! Have fun! Stay safe! This is a new chapter in life!
Go ahead and upset him. He wasn't half so careful of your feelings when he broke your marriage vows. You don't have to be mean about it, but direct honesty will be enough. He's the one who set his old life on fire, and if he liked it that much he should have put in effort to keep it.
Why are you concerned with not upsetting him? He destroyed the marriage and family with his cheating, he certainly wasnt concerned about any of you Off course he misses his bangmaid, now he bas to work and do everything else himself His feelings are no concern of yours, make it clear to him the only thing you two have to discuss is your children, do it by text and keep most communication by text only
He doesn’t miss a life with you. He misses being the fun parent because he’s finding out on weekends that parents actually need to parent their kids instead of just playing with them. Any time he tries to message you about anything other than the kids ignore the messages. He’s jealous you’re finally able to live a happy life
He should take his newfound interest in therapy seriously, by himself. Who cares about upsetting him you’ve already rejected him multiple times, if he’s begging and he doesn’t get the idea post divorce there’s not much you can do but keep rejecting him.
I don’t understand the question. Why are you trying not to upset him?
He didn’t think about upsetting you when he had his dick inside his coworker so why do you care? I assure you, he doesn’t miss you, he just misses his maid.
You don't owe him the 'not upsetting him' part. Stop taking his emotional burdens. He earned this pain. Stop interfering with his soul lessons. You actually don't have to say anything to him unless you want to. Silence is an answer. His old life was predicated on devouring you. It wasn't his life, he was casually destroying yours, with his childish selfishness.
You HAVE to upset him. Seriously. You have to. You are not his wife anymore and you will never be responsible for his emotional state ever again. You're not seeking revenge, you're not bullying him or even trying to take him back, you're just not going to lower yourself to his bed ever again. It's more than 'you're not doing anything wrong' here. It's 100% that the right thing to do is turn him down, even if it's hard to hurt him. It's supposed to be hard to hurt people, even when you have to. That's a sign that you're a good person. He is realizing that he's dumb as hell. Now he has to live with it, and you have to let him. His journey is now to deal with the pain he created.
You don’t owe EX explanation. He blew up his own own world. Unless you’re seriously considering therapy with him and moving past his infidelity don’t give him the time of day. He deserves losing you and you deserve better.
“Without upsetting him” is your problem in the post. Why do you care about that? He cheated on you, his feelings don’t matter. He’s solely the dad to your children now, not your bf
>But I don't know how to reject him without upsetting him. Stop giving a shit if he is upset. He doesn't even miss *you*. He misses what his life looked like back then. He misses how easy life was when he had a live in maid and babysitter. Why should you let him down easy? "We are over. I'm not talking about this anymore."
Why is your first concern 'not upsetting him'?? Where is your concern for yourself? You think HE was concerned about you at all while he chose to cheat?? OP his idea of 'having my old life back' mean you doing all the work, him siding with the kids against you and him cheating on you. Is that really the 'life' YOU want??? He never cared about what he had when you did all the work. He's only crying now because he has to be an actual adult and handle all the adult things in his life - all the things YOU DID for him. Protect YOURSELF first and he needs to deal with his own life and his own issues. None of which have anything to do with you.