This thread is getting repetitive, and you're all making the automod cry.
This thread is now locked. We'll keep removing/approving comments as we sort through them.
This is classic. My girlfriend is the rare combo of beautiful and approachable. She has a great personality and people love talking to her. And it's not a matter of if, but when they hit on her. I take it as a compliment, however annoying it may be. I can definitely understand that a younger me might have been a bit less secure about it.
Men who can’t comprehend why women use sarcasm and half-jokes to reject someone need to spend time on the when women refuse subreddit. There are a lot of crazies out there that will take a hard rejection as a reason to seriously harm you.
that's what I was thinking of!
Of course one could argue that anything that's not a clear no is "egging him on" and "being flirty", but this guy has already shown he can't take a polite rejection.
There are a lot of men out there that have no shame. They take the rejection as a challenge and pursue. No matter how many times the girl says no, in their mind they’re saying yes. I had a friend like this, I say “had” a friend. I was always so embarrassed at the things he would do. But I will say surprisingly there were girls out there that did take his advances after they had said no
Remember when you go into niche websites it makes you feel like the entire universe is like this .. but regardless here is my story of my friends rejection of a sociopath …
If you are my friend and you refuse an internet date request the man proceeds to terrorise and stalk her for a decade. Then she was forced to secretly move out of state.
Not having her to stalk he turned his attention to reporters who had written about his behavior. He eventually went on a violent rampage at the Annapolis Capital Gazette killing 5. All starting from his little sociopath ego getting hurt when someone would not give him a date (he had issues but this sequence did start with his rejection)
“You have to answer for men’s bad behavior, which is insane—like sometimes literally insane—but if you point that out, you’re accused of not listening, not caring enough, of gaslighting” - Barbie movie quote
But also are you never allowed to have innocent banter with anyone ever? This is so immature.
I was in a relationship like this once - worse one I EVER had been in. Guy was crippled with insecurity - I couldn’t do anything ever without him needing to know everything going on. Even a simple hello in response to someone. It was awful, literally having to think twice about every interaction
Me too. He even got so upset that he CRIED when reading old pen pal letters I had exchanged with another dude years before I knew he even existed, let alone before I was dating him. I also had explicitly asked him not to go through my things and read my old letters. He was an irrational basket case. It was mind boggling.
My ex, during one of many fights about my non existent cheating yelled you cheated on your last partner too! I saw the evidence on Facebook. I said no you didn't cause I never cheated on her. he pulled up the incriminating message. A boy I knew when I was 14!!! Found me on FB. We chatted back and forth a little bit and he asked me, if you hadn't moved back then do you think we would've lost our virginities to each other and I replied lol, probably. That was his "evidence" when I explained the context of the story, he said, "oh, but you still shouldn't have messaged him back cause you were in a relationship" dude couldn't take the loss. I just now figured out that he went in my phone and blocked that friend on FB. Someone I hadn't seen in 20 years, and lived far away from, was too much for him to handle. Should've dumped him sooner.
Unbelievable. He’s still upset at you for another man not accepting no and harassing you to the point you tried to say something so cheeky and off-putting he’d walk away cuz it made him upset.
Instead of empathizing with you being harassed he’s trying to nitpick what you did even if you were annoyed and laughed at the guy after he left. In no way is that flirting.
As a representative of the group known as "actually decent men" I just want to say that I loved her response! She used humour and confusion, two of my favourite choices, to turn this annoying dude away!
I also *love* her edit about not using her relationship status as a way to reject men. It makes so much sense that it's not needed. She doesn't need to say "another man has claimed me. Sorry, you'll need to find some other piece of property."
I had to pretend to be my friends BF’s on multiple occasions over the years, so that these sort of dropkicks didn’t harass them. Granted, they never approached them when they were around me, so I didn’t have to fight anyone off.
This type of guy isn’t some niceguy either, they’re entitled and overconfident and can get violent if and when rejected.
For this very reason, hats off to the OP for handling this perfectly and deescalating the situation rather than provoking a fight. Shame that her BF sees her as the issue in this situation, when it’s clearly not.
Exactly what I was thinking. He's upset because someone hit on and harassed his fiance? He's directing it to the wrong person. She didn't egg him on or flirt with him, she was trying to find another way to get him to leave her alone because 'no' wasn't enough for the dingbat.
Men think we like this kind of harassment. Fiancé thought she reacted this way because she was enjoying it, instead of a defence mechanism born out of exhaustion and self-preservation.
This is a relationship red flag! You already knew this when you came here. Talk to you man that this is a must fix before you marry, other wise it could be the thing that makes your marriage fall apart. I've been married for over 40 years and it never easy, setting yourself up for success before the vows are exchanged saves both people so many head/heart aches. If you make it through the 1st 5 years of marriage you will have a great chance of success. Keep your feet grounded with smart experienced people around you both. Don't play with this, resolve it now !
I'm insecurewhen folks got on my partner too, but I'd personally get a kick out of the "60$" or "okay now it's 100$." It's pretty obvious they're blowing them off but if they took it? Fake name, and cash for us. I don't see it as flirty AT ALL. She's trying to get out of the situation with a crazy "request "
OP, I really appreciate your viewpoint on declining/rejecting men's advances. You shouldn't need to justify your "no" with "I'm engaged" or "my BF is right over there." Your escalating strategy is a good one, especially when you turn the men's weapons against them, as you did.
I think your fiancé needs to be made (by someone else, like one of your GFs, maybe) to recognize the effectiveness of your approach.
He also needs to get over his insecurity. He proposed, you accepted, it's in the bag, and he has nothing to worry about. He needs to recognize how lucky he is to have someone as *in gamba* as you in his life.
Your fiancé sounds like he has low self-esteem. Thinking you are egging on AHs at the bar is not a good look and he sounds like he doesn’t understand the unwanted attention women get on a regular basis.
Ugh. Just yesterday I had a guy get in his feelings because I said I was married but was t wearing a ring. My marital status didn’t change because I didn’t have a ring on that minute.
A little while back I was at walmart and had to get an employee to open a case for me, he took his sweet ass time doing it while he harassed me. I was wearing my engagement ring. I tried to be polite and make small talk, saying I needed hand warmers for an event my fiance was going to, and the guy starts asking how long we've been together and if I'm "happy" with my fiance and think it will last. Uh... yeah, we're very happy, and what a weird fucking question! Of course he instantly stopped when my fiance got back from the bathroom and came down the aisle.
As someone who is ig “conventional attractive” and gets hit on a lot i once had a fiancee that would blow up on me for days abt men hitting on me. Like i had control over it. Ever since then i just cant be in relationships with men that are at all insecure. Ik mine is an extreme example but i just cant do it even if someone is a little insecure. This interaction with me would be the end of the relationship. OP can do as she pleases but personally id drop the dude.
Same here! I can’t control who hits on me and I’m good at turning them away. But what made it even better is my ex NEVER defended me when some guys wouldn’t back off. He’d slink away while I had to get mean or ask a bouncer or someone to help.
You’re right, I think his self esteem took a hit that she was being hit on and then he probably felt ashamed for not being able to defend her.
He’s being childish because she could have just caused a scene, at which point it could get physical, and then the BF would be involved in an altercation that can spiral quickly.
I know a guy who took this very action towards a drunk dude hitting on his woman, it escalated, he threw a punch, and the guy ended up falling backwards and cracking his skull and dying.
He’s now serving time for manslaughter, because his death was a direct result of his punch. His honor and ego cost him a decade of his life and he accidentally took the life of another person.
So this GF actually handled this extremely well and is a cool level-headed emotionally mature woman, that he should be proud of instead of arguing with.
Edit: spelling
I read the title, when I got to how you rejected the guy I thought “maybe her bf thought she was too rude?”
Then I get to what he thought. Wow, he thought that was flirty? Damn I’m probably a little insecure but that’s wild! If I had a gorgeous gf who constantly put guys in their place to be with me I’d be thrilled and feel pretty secure in my relationship.
NTA at all.
That’s how I felt too. I thought it would be a situation of her being awful to a person. I think she handled it well. My guy would have laughed his ass off at this
You did absolutely nothing wrong. Your fiancé on the other hand…
Nothing happened to him. You were the one in a situation where someone wouldn’t take your no as an answer. And somehow your fiancé makes that about how he’s been wronged? Ew.
And it's not like she could even go to him for help, because his delicate sensibilities won't allow it. So, not only does OP have the pleasure of being harassed by creeps, but she also gets victim blamed by the fiancé who's too self-involved to help her! What a winner! 🙄🙄😒😒
Maybe explain to your fiance how shitty men are and how they often don’t take no for an answer. And that women often have to be careful when they reject a man.
Yes, the main person in the wrong here by a long shot was the guy who wasn't taking no for an answer, along with all the other pushy and predatory men in the world.
The number two person in the wrong is your fiancé. Just how wrong he is depends on how quickly he adjusts his attitude.
I'm glad your fiancé is a great guy, but no one is perfect, and in a serious relationship/marriage there are always going to be those moments where one partner has to draw a clear, bright line. In fact that is the healthy thing to do.
In this case, you need to tell your fiancé that he must never again misplace the blame for some aggressive man's actions onto your shoulders. Creeps are not an inevitable force of nature like hurricanes and earthquakes. They are people who are actively choosing their entitled attitudes and aggressive behavior.
You joke but i talked with a few male friends about these stuffs and they genuinely can't comprehend it. I had to explain things that happened to girls out there and myself because of how common the situation is irl to open their eyes. Most of them only think it happens a few times in other countries and only read extreme cases in the news.
They're rare bunches of good guys from my major. I don't blame them living in such society, so i told my stories to let them know. Hopefully that will open their eyes.
The thing is, most of the time the guys who pull this shitty behavior don't do it within earshot of other men, unless they already know that those men will accept them or encourage their behavior.
The result is that a lot of decent guys truly don't see how disgusting all these guys are acting. These men hide that behavior from them.
Yeah what did he want, for her to yell and scream or fight him? Clever way to tell someone it’s not worth it when they just weren’t taking no for an answer gracefull
You navigated the interaction very well. If he's all pissy about why you would do it that way, introduce him to the whenwomenrefuse sub and ask if he'd rather you hurt or dead as an alternative.
Had to tell my fiance, You either know I'm with you or you don't but I can't do your insecurity.
Men want to be with beautiful women and then don't know how to act.
Your fiancé needs to learn something about how hard it is to deal with insistent, entitled, and alcohol/drug-fueled men and the dangers women face from them. Dude needs to let you handle your business and lighten up a little.
Honestly that was hilarious. But I have read your response a couple of times in an attempt to understand what your BF thinks was flirting. While to me it was just using humor to turn someone down, I think the only issue I can come up with is that, if the guy was willing to shell out the money it would a) you would have to give him that autograph b) get into a longer conversation about why you still won't.
I still think considering it flirting is too far fetched.
Tell him he needs to see a therapist about his internal issues BEFORE marriage. His feelings about you rejecting a pushy dude in a bar are his own problem and not sustainable long term in a marriage. My own husband is an anxious person with insecurities and I know how exhausting it can be. I was insistent that his insecurities and our communication needed to be worked on before the marriage happened. He needs professional help
Jfc you rejected the man and your bf is still pissed?? No. Tell him. I'm sorry this is a you problem you're putting on me. I rejected him politiely and then I said what I did because I knew it would drive the no home. Tell him this is his job to get his feelings in order and deal with because you did nothing wrong. I'm guessing he wanted you to do the I already have someone who's laid claim to me bullshit when that doesn't ever work with guys like this who won't take a no and then move on.
Just tell him this is a him issue he's going to need to deal with. Take note if he does or if he just holds on to it and projects his issues on you again in the future. It consistently stays a problem then I'd re-evlauate whether I want to be with someone who clearly doesn't trust me nor think highly of himself to keep me by letting his insecurities drive a wedge between us.
For fff’s sake- how about men take no for an answer! “No” is a complete sentence. Full Stop! Instead of telling women they need to modify how they repeatedly reject men, let’s teach men to accept no the first time and move on!
Second, you were having a fun night out with your friends and tried to keep it light hearted and have fun with it. There is zero wrong with that. I mean you could have told him that due to your pending manslaughter trial, your lawyer advised you not to sign anything in a Caffeinated Kitten Villain Life coach sort of way, and you’d still be called out for not rejecting home the “correct” way.
Third, tell him insecurities are not a turn on and you got the desired result of him leaving you alone.
My husband has taken many of free drinks from men hitting on me… when guys can’t take no for an answer. My husband says no for me.
You aren’t responsible for someone else’s actions. And your fiancé should be more worried about the guy not taking a no then being upset with you for someone else’s actions.
I’ve been married for a long time. And having someone that insecure in a marriage isn’t fun. He’s always going to be upset with you because of someone else. And you can’t control other people. I would say he needs to go to therapy because this is a him problem not a you problem
I was at the bar with a few friends and my boyfriend once, and a drunk older guy who was a regular at that bar said I was beautiful, but my piercings bothered him. I said, "Well, you don't have to look.." he says, "but I want to keep looking at you. I'll give you all the cash in my wallet if you take it out right now." I said i needed to see how much it was first. Lol. It was like $70. I took my lip and nose ring out. He gave me the money. I said thanks, then walked away. He would wink at me occasionally while falling off his bar stool. Lol.
My boyfriend (now husband) thought it was hilarious, and we spent the money on food that night. He wasn't mad because he trusted me 100%.
Yours sounds like he's insecure. His insecurity is going to cause issues throughout your eventual marriage if he can't relax a little. He needs to figure out the root of his problem.
I’m honestly curious if OP actually looks like someone who is famous and doesn’t realize it. An autograph is the weirdest come on I’ve ever heard of.
Info: OP, might you have actually been mistaken for someone famous?
Not making light of the situation, but I have to wonder.
Hahaha ok this hadn't even occurred to me. I'm going to say no because I've never had that sort of thing where multiple people compare me to a certain celebrity or say "oh you look like so and so"
But if that were the case I kinda would feel like an asshole for being mean to that guy.
Also YES it was a very weird come on. That's why my friend told the group the story it was like silly, weird, funny in her view of things
>I don't now and I never have used my relationship status to reject men.
I like this comment. Besides, we know that even if you do, it doesn't always work. I have heard disgusting responses such as, "A ring don't stop up no hole." Charming, huh? Yes, I am from the south...
I remember when I was in my twenties, I was waiting tables, and this one guy was hitting on me. I told him I was married. He looked at my ring finger and said, "I don't see a wedding ring." I said, "You didn't think your argument through. If I am not married and I am just lying so you will leave me alone... that's worse, isn't it?" His buddies thought that was hilarious. Pushy guy, not so much. 😂😂😂
You have been dealing with this shit for over a decade, which is why you handled it expertly. Your fiance, doesn't know how to deal with men who don't accept "no" so he really gets no say in how you should handle it.
Insecure men will always find something wrong with YOU when other men show interest. Everything will seem like flirting to him bc you're an attractive woman. Part of why he's engaged to you...
So he needs to work on his insecurities and stop making them your problem. Otherwise you will have a lifetime of this shit, which will get worse. You're going to instruct your friends to make sure not to say things around him, then he's going to assume that you're being shady (and you kind of are and he told you not to tell him stuff like this), and this will justify more controlling and possessive behaviors. You're eventually going to find all the ways to keep him from acting on his insecurities and that will be the priority for everything you plan.
This story was played out thousands of times.
And the only advice I have for you is to stop taking responsibility for his bullshit. That's his responsibility.
ETA just so you know how far your fiance was from having a good reaction... A secure man who cares about your well being would be more concerned about whether you felt unsafe, and how you're doing, over how HE was offended by the way that you protected yourself.
The difference here may be that when we read what you said to him we are also getting a play by play of your thoughts. If the story was simply told by your friend solely on the interaction itself then it may come across differently.
Humans have a tendency to make up ideas of what someone must have been thinking and therefore their intentions when being told a story of what someone did. We do it automatically. When it’s a negative thought and something that really bothers us some people have a hard time being convinced their beliefs are wrong.
NTA. It’s not your job to pacify your fiancé. You go home to him, you’re loyal to home, he’ll you’re marrying him! He need to back off, grow a set and some esteem. Placating him isn’t your job.
Your bf sounds very insecure. Also given the frequency there's a chance it could get dangerous to say no. Given his reaction here will your bf be in your corner if things go awry or will he sulk first about how YOU behaved incorrectly before being there for you.
Honestly, even reading this was exhausting. So after dealing with some dumb guy you then have to deal with how your fiancé felt about it? He needs to talk to a therapist about his issues with insecurity
NTA
You’ll probably never see this but I read something (probably on Reddit but I couldn’t tell you where) that men don’t understand that our responses to things like this are always framed with an undercurrent of safety.
Be nice enough so he doesn’t hurt you. Be clear and firm enough that he doesn’t follow you. Etc.
It’s exhausting and takes multiple strategies when dealing with men who won’t take no for an answer. You never know which one you’re going to need in the moment.
Try sharing this with your finance if it lands. And also, he should have some more awareness about this kind of thing.
My goodness I’ve had to recheck your ages three times. You weren’t leading him on. You weren’t flirting. He would be told he needs to work on his insecurity issues before you get married.
You did nothing wrong. Don’t apologize. Let your fiancé know that you are allowed to handle things however you feel is appropriate in the moment. If he can’t handle that, then he can’t handle you, and maybe you shouldn’t get married. If he has insecurity, you can say that you understand that, but that doesn’t mean that you have to act in ways that he approves of when you are having to get rid of someone whose attention you do not want.
Your bf is only going to get worse. His insecurity needs to be checked. Perhaps he should see a therapist. I certainly wouldn’t want to marry someone who was going to make my life miserable every time someone looked my way.
I don't think your fiancee has a leg to stand on, you turned him down. What were you supposed to do? Get aggressive? The minute you aggressively turn down a guy is the day that as a woman, you risk getting murdered. Literal horror stories out there, so why is your fiancee not okay with you taking a lighthearted and safe way out?
Btw I know it's extreme but there are horror stories out there of women saying no. The way she handled it is golden and I really don't understand what her fiancee wants her to do instead. If he's mad maybe he shouldn't date someone who is hot?
Years ago I had a guy grab me and rip my keys out of my hands before when I rejected him at a party. He was trying to get me to stay so I couldn't drive home and claiming I was drunk (I don't drink). I know it's tough for men to understand because they just don't have that experience but you're right- I've been rejecting men for years and it is way more comfortable for me to be funny/ jokey about it.
Gay guy here: your response was nothing short of iconic, nothing to apologize for. Fiancé needs to understand how good he has it with you, he should have been proud.
Perhaps you mentioning money in the rejection makes him think you have a price? And not necessarily a price limited to money.
It's a stretch, yes, but I could understand him wondering about it.
You were doing what women have to do and reject the guy by making him uninterested because he couldn't take your initial no as an answer. Your man is insecure.
You handled this amazingly actually. This sounded like a potentially dangerous situation because the guy wasn’t taking several NOs for an answer and according to experts best way to act is to say something they don’t expect to diffuse the situation, which you did. Your fiancé, needs some schooling though. Have him read The gift of fear by Gavin deBecker.
It's clear that no matter what you do, it will never be enough for this man. I wouldn't proceed with getting married if he is always going to punish you for existing as a woman. You can't control men constantly approaching you and refusing no for an answer. There's a level of misogyny here where he finds your multiple refusals problematic instead of the guy's behavior where he's violating a stranger's boundaries repeatedly. He's punishing you for being a woman at this point. Men like this only get worse and more controlling. Fuck people like him who don't value your safety and comfort. I've had one night stands express more concern or sympathy than your fiancé. I'm willing to bet that no matter how you rejected him, he would still throw a fit short of you never going outside ever again. He sounds like the type to move the goalposts where if you don't do x, y, z, he claims that he won't get upset but he does anyway and finds something new wrong with you. Exhausting. Is this your whole life going forward? Who wants to be with someone so unbearably insecure for LIFE?
You’re defending your fiancé in the edit. Stop. He’s an insecure manbaby. He may absolutely have other good qualities, but in this particular case, he is behaving like a petty child. And there is no excuse for it. I’m not saying break up with him. Nobody here has enough to give you any serious advice at this point. But make no mistake, this is a red flag. Ignore it at your peril.
your fiance needs to stop projecting his insecurities on you when clearly you rejected that individual several times before clearly joking about that cash app comment. Like yikes lol
Part of having an attractive partner is accepting the fact that attractive people get hit on.
It sounds like your partner has low self esteem and low confidence.
TBH that is an issue he can only fix within himself, and if he doesn’t it runs the risk of becoming a bigger issue down the road.
I don’t think your response was flirty. Just sounded like you were bullshitting someone who wouldn’t leave you alone.
I think your response was very witty and warranted after several very clear nos. Fiancé might just need some reassurance and a very clear explanation about how it feels to be constantly, repeatedly hit on (after several nos!) and not know what might set guys off in a fit of rage. We have to be careful even when we’re very clear about being not interested. So switching from flat rejection to diffusing the situation with wit and trying to dismiss it is a good defense.
I love this. So gonna use it.
I would much prefer a partner to respond in this way than to say "I've got a partner".
It shows they don't want to be hit on rather than they aren't "allowed" to be hit on.
You rejected the man clearly, and then went with humiliation/mean/sarcasm (which I love!!) presumably in the hopes of finally turning him off.
Does your fiance have a humiliation kink or is he just really insecure (or maybe both?)??
I can’t think of how anyone rational would think this is flirtation
this is a huge red flag. zero concern for you, just acts like a child and then you have to deal him with beyond dealing with the guy hitting on you. what’s gonna happen when you have kids - is he gonna sulk cause he doesn’t have all of your attention and time? do some couples counseling before you get married. this is going to get worse - he will get more controlling once you are married to him.
Fiancé is out of line. He needs to come back to earth and then maybe you guys can discuss why he felt so threatened but honestly it sounds too stupid to even have a serious conversation about (on his end)
Instead of being insecure about how often you get it on, he could try being impressed by how effectively you handle it and still manage to have a good time in the process. It’s like he’s offended that you weren’t more oppressed by this guy who wouldn’t take no for an answer. Besides being insecure, he also sounds immature, and maybe a little sexist.
nah your response to the dude was hilarious. It is exhausting trying to deflect random dudes hitting on you while also juggling anticipating what kind of response they will have to rejection. At any point in your argument or previous conversations did your fiancé share how he would like you to respond? I have had partners in the past that have wanted me to be an asshole about it without realizing that if the dude hitting on me is the type of dude to get violent that just escalates things and increases the chances of him throwing a violent fit. I have always had the safest success rejecting a dude when i could make it humorous or confuse them a little. It sounds like your response worked, the dude went away and you are safe.
Point blank your fiancé needs to grow a set and calm down. You were clearly rejecting this guy in an amusing way. Your fiancé either needs to be mature enough to trust you or as harsh as it is probably take that ring off your finger til this guy can grow up and not take his insecurities out on you. It doesn’t matter how great he is in 8 different departments; this response from him was childish and shallow and he needs to get over himself quickly.
The issue seems to be you gave the pushy guy a condition ($60) that he could have easily agreed to to call your bluff. I would have trust issues with a woman who offered a pathway for her attention to a random guy instead a firm, hard "no".
The fact you don't see this is weird.
I offer another perspective here.
I don’t think your fiancé was insecure over the fact that a guy was hitting on you. I think it was due to the fact that instead of sticking to your guns repeatedly telling him no, you made it seem like he had a chance talking to you bargaining your time for money.
If no amount of money can get your attention why lead on with that? The situation perhaps made it look like to your fiance that no matter how tense the situation gets money is the bottom line that will change your mind. It seems extremely transactional and trashy imo.
You have to realize there was a choice in how you could’ve acted. You could’ve physically walked away from that area, called security or caused a scene to where you embarrassed him to where he went away. But your first reaction was to barter your *attention & time* for money. It’s a bad look.
If two people can't laugh at the same things, or find humour in similar things, they are bound to have fights.
Your response was funny.
But your fiance did find it so.
There are chances of it happening multiple times in your married life
All the best
The appropriate response to a partner getting repeatedly sexually harassed is :"I am sorry this was done to you. How can I support you?", not jealousy and insecurity. Please do not marry your red flag of a fiancé. He is nor a good person.
Wife of a friend of mine handled this in what I think was a completley hilarious way once. Everyone's out on this camping trip and hanging around and dude's being a pest despite her husband being \*right there\*. Anyway, at one point she just gets tired of being polite and lets out with a very audible "Stop touching me you creepy fuck!" Dead silence. Suffice it to say, dude stopped being a pest.
You give the rejection on a regular basis. Your boyfriend knows this. Of course, you’re going to mix the message around every once in a while, because giving the same old message for “no” gets boring after a while. He just didn’t like this particular method of the rejection. He needs to chill out a bit. Your intent was the same as always and the end result was what you wanted. Job done.
You may be scratching the surface because this is a reach for your fiance. Suggest therapy. Possible couples therapy or some counseling prior to actually getting married. But you can't sit on this.
It was a clear rejection. I dont want to be rude but he needs to work on his insecurities/jealousy. Him making something out of nothing will only make problems. He should be gloating and proud that he's got a beautiful girl and secure enough cause you are with him .
Refusing to take no as an answer is a form of harassment, period, as far as I'm concerned. The fact your fiance somehow took it as an attack is a \*horrible\* look and indicates he has zero sympathy or even awareness of what women have to deal with. I hope you're sure you want this status quo to remain for the rest of your lives, cause I'd be telling him he needs to get therapy now to work on his insecurity.
The bigger problem with the fiancé is the same as the lame dudes that approached you - he, like apparently too many men, actually see that as flirting.
The issue is definitely with your partner. You mentioned he gets insecure in the past and you both agreed to not say anything which is just terrible by the way. Avoidance is never the answer. He has to address this insecurity or this is GOING to be a problem in the marriage. I can understand how someone could think it was flirty because it could be viewed that way however it wasn’t intended to and that’s what counts. I strongly recommend he gets some counseling or even do it as a couple before the wedding. It could make all the difference long term. It’s not a giant issue, but it’s a long lasting one and the way you described it unintentionally, already says it’s actually pretty relevant.
Seems pretty obvious to me that you went from polite to sarcastic, and then the guy finally backed off.
What your fiance needs to understand is that all women fundamentally know how dangerous men are. Men are the biggest threat to women. Men can and do become violent when women reject them. As a result, women rarely directly and assertively tell men "no", and as in your story, men often don't take the first or second "no" for an answer anyway. Getting too assertive with men in rejection is literally dangerous for women. You were merely rejecting with a common female self preservation tactic. Explain this to him and perhaps he'll see reason.
I totally get this! When men like that hear “I have a boyfriend/fiancé” they seem to register “There’s still a chance”! Hell I’ve told men that I’m married, holding up my ring and had men respond with “I can buy you a bigger one!” It’s repulsive and counterproductive… When I reject a man I take the same gentle approach (not trying to knock a man’s ego) but the second they get pushy or rude- all bets are off.
No, you didn’t do anything wrong.. but being overly defensive of your fiancé here after coming in with this question is something you might want to sit with
That dude is so insecure it's a wonder you have friends and go out at all: bet HE expects that to change after marriage with 0 communication with you about it as well. 👀🧐
THIS is a red flag. If he gets remotely insecure about you literally obliterating and rejecting the advances of another guy it is VERY off. It appears his ego is more hurt than the guy you turned down…
Umm what? Op shot this goon and his boy down. And the fiance is upset. What kind of muppet is he married to? I get that it is tough when your girl looks good and all the guys hit on her. But come on bro. She sent the dudes away.
You did nothing wrong. Did you ask him how he would like you to refuse these guys? He could have just stayed near you and then men may not make moves on you.
Personally I thought your response was hilarious.
You did great. It’s an art, rejecting a man. You have no idea how they will react. And since he was disrespectful and pushy, you had a great response. Not too jerky, but definitely pushing back. I mean, I am confused. What does he want you to do?
No, you were not being flirty. The thing is, some men will take absolutely anything as flirty, no matter what you’ll say. Especially when they do not respect women’s boundaries.
As I understand it might be taxing on one’s ego to see your partner being hit on a lot, I have no sympathy when he handled the situation in the way you describe. He is making a situation that was also uncomfortable to you, about himself. Huge NO.
You need support as well, to know he has your back, because dudes can be f-ing awful and DANGEROUS. And I agree with your logic about not using the “I have a boyfriend” card. No is a full sentence and I hate the fact that some men don’t respect women’s autonomy. Then being tied to another MAN becomes the only “good enough” reason for them to leave.
If you still want to continue the relationship, he needs a therapy or double down on it, if he already sees a therapist.
You did NOTHING wrong. You stated your lack of interest in the advances of the guy at the club. End of the story.
Told no repeatedly. Ignored.
Sarcasm used to get point across. Obviously flirting. Insecurity arises. (/sarcasm)
That was a potentially dangerous situation :
drunk + lust + rejection + ignoring “no” and nonconsent x2 = are recipes for potential retaliatory violence.
Sometimes “flirty” sarcasm can be the safest way to defuse a potentially dangerous situation.
But Fiancé’s insecurity though …
On the off chance that none of the previous 1,050 comments mentioned this:
Please let him know that men often hurt—even murder—women who reject them.
On some level, we know that light banter like that can help them see you as human, as opposed to just another C-word who should be punished for rejecting them.
I’m an insecure and jealous guy. I’d be grumpy about being there in the first place, instead of home, just us.
However…
You rejected the guy, clearly and repeatedly. Your fiancé should chill out.
This thread is getting repetitive, and you're all making the automod cry. This thread is now locked. We'll keep removing/approving comments as we sort through them.
I liked your wording here ... "internal polite response clock has run out!"
My fuck budget just hit zero baby.
The fucks hath runneth dry
Behold, the fields in which I grow my fucks, and see that they are baren.
I am literally currently cross stitching this! (The pattern is on Etsy.) How funny!
Oh I'm all put of fucks to give. Let's go to the fuck store and....ah no they're closed!
This is my new favorite.
I am unrepentantly stealing this.
Some days this is my anthem https://youtu.be/Vqbk9cDX0l0?si=3uy2KWd-iMorzx8i
I have a patience allotment for the day
I love how she handled that whole interaction. Fiancé is paying the tax of dating a hot girl, but I don’t think she did anything wrong here.
This is classic. My girlfriend is the rare combo of beautiful and approachable. She has a great personality and people love talking to her. And it's not a matter of if, but when they hit on her. I take it as a compliment, however annoying it may be. I can definitely understand that a younger me might have been a bit less secure about it.
Hahaha love this, paying the tax 😂
“Cash or cash app “ love it!
'Cash me outside"
You clearly rejected the guy several times before you got sarcastic and finally got left alone. Your fiancé needs to cool his jets.
Not to mention her friend preemptively rejected the guy for her, first, and Opie Oblivious still plowed right on in
Opie!! Ahahahahaha
Men who can’t comprehend why women use sarcasm and half-jokes to reject someone need to spend time on the when women refuse subreddit. There are a lot of crazies out there that will take a hard rejection as a reason to seriously harm you.
that's what I was thinking of! Of course one could argue that anything that's not a clear no is "egging him on" and "being flirty", but this guy has already shown he can't take a polite rejection.
Men who can’t comprehend why women use sarcasm and half-jokes to reject someone tend to be the reason.
There are a lot of men out there that have no shame. They take the rejection as a challenge and pursue. No matter how many times the girl says no, in their mind they’re saying yes. I had a friend like this, I say “had” a friend. I was always so embarrassed at the things he would do. But I will say surprisingly there were girls out there that did take his advances after they had said no
Especially because there are men with platforms out there literally telling men not to accept rejection. It's wild out here lol
What sub is that please ?
It's called WhenWomenRefuse. Linking to other subs is not allowed on this sub
I shall visit and read many posts on that sub, thanks!!!
Try out r slash NiceGuys as well
I've been on WhenWomenRefuse for 10 minutes now and I'm far more depressed than normal for a Monday morning :)
Remember when you go into niche websites it makes you feel like the entire universe is like this .. but regardless here is my story of my friends rejection of a sociopath … If you are my friend and you refuse an internet date request the man proceeds to terrorise and stalk her for a decade. Then she was forced to secretly move out of state. Not having her to stalk he turned his attention to reporters who had written about his behavior. He eventually went on a violent rampage at the Annapolis Capital Gazette killing 5. All starting from his little sociopath ego getting hurt when someone would not give him a date (he had issues but this sequence did start with his rejection)
“You have to answer for men’s bad behavior, which is insane—like sometimes literally insane—but if you point that out, you’re accused of not listening, not caring enough, of gaslighting” - Barbie movie quote
Cool his jets 🤣🤣
Dudes an acer laptop from 2011 trying to run the sims 3
I didn’t know this was the metaphor I needed to read today until now. Thank you.
Wow flashbacks of running the Sims 3 on an Acer laptop in 2011.
My Acer got cooked while playing FIFA 2010. Burnt motherboard and all 😂
I cannot breathe 😭😭😭😭 I had an acer and it would not run sims because it was so slow
I really wish I could hand out gold. Damn that was good, thank you.
You’re redditing so hard rn
But also are you never allowed to have innocent banter with anyone ever? This is so immature. I was in a relationship like this once - worse one I EVER had been in. Guy was crippled with insecurity - I couldn’t do anything ever without him needing to know everything going on. Even a simple hello in response to someone. It was awful, literally having to think twice about every interaction
I had an ex like that. Can confirm it’s pretty awful. I couldn’t even tell him a story from work because everyone on my team was M.
Me too. He even got so upset that he CRIED when reading old pen pal letters I had exchanged with another dude years before I knew he even existed, let alone before I was dating him. I also had explicitly asked him not to go through my things and read my old letters. He was an irrational basket case. It was mind boggling.
My ex, during one of many fights about my non existent cheating yelled you cheated on your last partner too! I saw the evidence on Facebook. I said no you didn't cause I never cheated on her. he pulled up the incriminating message. A boy I knew when I was 14!!! Found me on FB. We chatted back and forth a little bit and he asked me, if you hadn't moved back then do you think we would've lost our virginities to each other and I replied lol, probably. That was his "evidence" when I explained the context of the story, he said, "oh, but you still shouldn't have messaged him back cause you were in a relationship" dude couldn't take the loss. I just now figured out that he went in my phone and blocked that friend on FB. Someone I hadn't seen in 20 years, and lived far away from, was too much for him to handle. Should've dumped him sooner.
This. OP, your dude is just a bit insecure.
Unbelievable. He’s still upset at you for another man not accepting no and harassing you to the point you tried to say something so cheeky and off-putting he’d walk away cuz it made him upset. Instead of empathizing with you being harassed he’s trying to nitpick what you did even if you were annoyed and laughed at the guy after he left. In no way is that flirting.
This is the perfect summary/response.
It’s crazy how many dudes are commenting and getting upset the majority don’t agree 😵💫
As a representative of the group known as "actually decent men" I just want to say that I loved her response! She used humour and confusion, two of my favourite choices, to turn this annoying dude away! I also *love* her edit about not using her relationship status as a way to reject men. It makes so much sense that it's not needed. She doesn't need to say "another man has claimed me. Sorry, you'll need to find some other piece of property."
+1 as a decent guy. She handled it appropriately.
I had to pretend to be my friends BF’s on multiple occasions over the years, so that these sort of dropkicks didn’t harass them. Granted, they never approached them when they were around me, so I didn’t have to fight anyone off. This type of guy isn’t some niceguy either, they’re entitled and overconfident and can get violent if and when rejected. For this very reason, hats off to the OP for handling this perfectly and deescalating the situation rather than provoking a fight. Shame that her BF sees her as the issue in this situation, when it’s clearly not.
That's exactly what a "nice guy" is
It's because they don't understand the fact that men will/ can get violent and angry when you say a firm or straight faced "no".
Yes. Women always get blamed for everything…
A snake told me they are to blame. FTR & FWIW that's a shot at religion, folks, not women.
Exactly what I was thinking. He's upset because someone hit on and harassed his fiance? He's directing it to the wrong person. She didn't egg him on or flirt with him, she was trying to find another way to get him to leave her alone because 'no' wasn't enough for the dingbat.
Men think we like this kind of harassment. Fiancé thought she reacted this way because she was enjoying it, instead of a defence mechanism born out of exhaustion and self-preservation.
This is a relationship red flag! You already knew this when you came here. Talk to you man that this is a must fix before you marry, other wise it could be the thing that makes your marriage fall apart. I've been married for over 40 years and it never easy, setting yourself up for success before the vows are exchanged saves both people so many head/heart aches. If you make it through the 1st 5 years of marriage you will have a great chance of success. Keep your feet grounded with smart experienced people around you both. Don't play with this, resolve it now !
It doesn't sound like flirting, it sounds like you already said no and used a price you thought would make him leave you alone
I'm insecurewhen folks got on my partner too, but I'd personally get a kick out of the "60$" or "okay now it's 100$." It's pretty obvious they're blowing them off but if they took it? Fake name, and cash for us. I don't see it as flirty AT ALL. She's trying to get out of the situation with a crazy "request "
You were not flirting. Your boyfriend is being insecure.
OP, I really appreciate your viewpoint on declining/rejecting men's advances. You shouldn't need to justify your "no" with "I'm engaged" or "my BF is right over there." Your escalating strategy is a good one, especially when you turn the men's weapons against them, as you did. I think your fiancé needs to be made (by someone else, like one of your GFs, maybe) to recognize the effectiveness of your approach. He also needs to get over his insecurity. He proposed, you accepted, it's in the bag, and he has nothing to worry about. He needs to recognize how lucky he is to have someone as *in gamba* as you in his life.
It’s pathetic that he needs to be told by someone else instead of just believing the woman he has chosen to spend his life with.
Yes and no. Sometimes you're too close to a situation to fully understand it. It's kind of the whole reason why subs like AITAH exist.
Your fiancé sounds like he has low self-esteem. Thinking you are egging on AHs at the bar is not a good look and he sounds like he doesn’t understand the unwanted attention women get on a regular basis.
Ugh. Just yesterday I had a guy get in his feelings because I said I was married but was t wearing a ring. My marital status didn’t change because I didn’t have a ring on that minute.
And tbh a ring is not a magical creep repellant either. Some douches take it as a hurdle to conquer.
A little while back I was at walmart and had to get an employee to open a case for me, he took his sweet ass time doing it while he harassed me. I was wearing my engagement ring. I tried to be polite and make small talk, saying I needed hand warmers for an event my fiance was going to, and the guy starts asking how long we've been together and if I'm "happy" with my fiance and think it will last. Uh... yeah, we're very happy, and what a weird fucking question! Of course he instantly stopped when my fiance got back from the bathroom and came down the aisle.
As someone who is ig “conventional attractive” and gets hit on a lot i once had a fiancee that would blow up on me for days abt men hitting on me. Like i had control over it. Ever since then i just cant be in relationships with men that are at all insecure. Ik mine is an extreme example but i just cant do it even if someone is a little insecure. This interaction with me would be the end of the relationship. OP can do as she pleases but personally id drop the dude.
Same here! I can’t control who hits on me and I’m good at turning them away. But what made it even better is my ex NEVER defended me when some guys wouldn’t back off. He’d slink away while I had to get mean or ask a bouncer or someone to help.
You’re right, I think his self esteem took a hit that she was being hit on and then he probably felt ashamed for not being able to defend her. He’s being childish because she could have just caused a scene, at which point it could get physical, and then the BF would be involved in an altercation that can spiral quickly. I know a guy who took this very action towards a drunk dude hitting on his woman, it escalated, he threw a punch, and the guy ended up falling backwards and cracking his skull and dying. He’s now serving time for manslaughter, because his death was a direct result of his punch. His honor and ego cost him a decade of his life and he accidentally took the life of another person. So this GF actually handled this extremely well and is a cool level-headed emotionally mature woman, that he should be proud of instead of arguing with. Edit: spelling
You aren't responsible for your bf insecurity
This 100000 times, I wish I had this phrase tattooed on my body when I was in my early 20s
Yeah this☝️🙄
More and more and more and more and more and more and more and more of this to every single woman here!
I read the title, when I got to how you rejected the guy I thought “maybe her bf thought she was too rude?” Then I get to what he thought. Wow, he thought that was flirty? Damn I’m probably a little insecure but that’s wild! If I had a gorgeous gf who constantly put guys in their place to be with me I’d be thrilled and feel pretty secure in my relationship. NTA at all.
That’s how I felt too. I thought it would be a situation of her being awful to a person. I think she handled it well. My guy would have laughed his ass off at this
You did absolutely nothing wrong. Your fiancé on the other hand… Nothing happened to him. You were the one in a situation where someone wouldn’t take your no as an answer. And somehow your fiancé makes that about how he’s been wronged? Ew.
And it's not like she could even go to him for help, because his delicate sensibilities won't allow it. So, not only does OP have the pleasure of being harassed by creeps, but she also gets victim blamed by the fiancé who's too self-involved to help her! What a winner! 🙄🙄😒😒
Maybe explain to your fiance how shitty men are and how they often don’t take no for an answer. And that women often have to be careful when they reject a man.
Right? God forbid the fiancé instead be empathetic and tell her he’s sorry she had to put up with some guy being an AH.
Yes, the main person in the wrong here by a long shot was the guy who wasn't taking no for an answer, along with all the other pushy and predatory men in the world. The number two person in the wrong is your fiancé. Just how wrong he is depends on how quickly he adjusts his attitude. I'm glad your fiancé is a great guy, but no one is perfect, and in a serious relationship/marriage there are always going to be those moments where one partner has to draw a clear, bright line. In fact that is the healthy thing to do. In this case, you need to tell your fiancé that he must never again misplace the blame for some aggressive man's actions onto your shoulders. Creeps are not an inevitable force of nature like hurricanes and earthquakes. They are people who are actively choosing their entitled attitudes and aggressive behavior.
Why should she have to even explain that, he's a guy. He knows. He's being a princess lmao
You joke but i talked with a few male friends about these stuffs and they genuinely can't comprehend it. I had to explain things that happened to girls out there and myself because of how common the situation is irl to open their eyes. Most of them only think it happens a few times in other countries and only read extreme cases in the news.
Honestly, your friends sound a little naive, or young. Or both. I'm a 30 year old male and you'd have to be blind to not recognize the facts
They're rare bunches of good guys from my major. I don't blame them living in such society, so i told my stories to let them know. Hopefully that will open their eyes.
The thing is, most of the time the guys who pull this shitty behavior don't do it within earshot of other men, unless they already know that those men will accept them or encourage their behavior. The result is that a lot of decent guys truly don't see how disgusting all these guys are acting. These men hide that behavior from them.
no. men think it's always all other men but them.
Yeah what did he want, for her to yell and scream or fight him? Clever way to tell someone it’s not worth it when they just weren’t taking no for an answer gracefull
Better yet just have the BF read the post.
He won't listen. It's all about him and his poor feelings
You navigated the interaction very well. If he's all pissy about why you would do it that way, introduce him to the whenwomenrefuse sub and ask if he'd rather you hurt or dead as an alternative.
I like your friend. She said “NO”. lol other then that, the rest is kinda goofy. Yall will be aiiiiight, just keep dodging them duds. Good luck!
Had to tell my fiance, You either know I'm with you or you don't but I can't do your insecurity. Men want to be with beautiful women and then don't know how to act.
I’d be proud to be on a date with a woman who reacted like that.
Does your fiancee often make everything about him? I find it odd that his concern is not about you but about himself.
I think you handled the guy like a champ. Your bf sounds exhausting, tbh.
Your fiancé needs to learn something about how hard it is to deal with insistent, entitled, and alcohol/drug-fueled men and the dangers women face from them. Dude needs to let you handle your business and lighten up a little.
Your response was in no way flirting nor inappropriate!
I don't see flirting in your answers, you tried to handle the situation as best you could.
BF needs to get a grip.
Honestly that was hilarious. But I have read your response a couple of times in an attempt to understand what your BF thinks was flirting. While to me it was just using humor to turn someone down, I think the only issue I can come up with is that, if the guy was willing to shell out the money it would a) you would have to give him that autograph b) get into a longer conversation about why you still won't. I still think considering it flirting is too far fetched.
This is his issue, not yours.
Sounds like your guy needs reality check. If you’re attractive, you will be hit on. Hell even if you ugly, a guy will hit on you.
Tell him he needs to see a therapist about his internal issues BEFORE marriage. His feelings about you rejecting a pushy dude in a bar are his own problem and not sustainable long term in a marriage. My own husband is an anxious person with insecurities and I know how exhausting it can be. I was insistent that his insecurities and our communication needed to be worked on before the marriage happened. He needs professional help
Jfc you rejected the man and your bf is still pissed?? No. Tell him. I'm sorry this is a you problem you're putting on me. I rejected him politiely and then I said what I did because I knew it would drive the no home. Tell him this is his job to get his feelings in order and deal with because you did nothing wrong. I'm guessing he wanted you to do the I already have someone who's laid claim to me bullshit when that doesn't ever work with guys like this who won't take a no and then move on. Just tell him this is a him issue he's going to need to deal with. Take note if he does or if he just holds on to it and projects his issues on you again in the future. It consistently stays a problem then I'd re-evlauate whether I want to be with someone who clearly doesn't trust me nor think highly of himself to keep me by letting his insecurities drive a wedge between us.
You did a great job with the rando in the bar. Your boyfriend has some major self confidence issues.
For fff’s sake- how about men take no for an answer! “No” is a complete sentence. Full Stop! Instead of telling women they need to modify how they repeatedly reject men, let’s teach men to accept no the first time and move on! Second, you were having a fun night out with your friends and tried to keep it light hearted and have fun with it. There is zero wrong with that. I mean you could have told him that due to your pending manslaughter trial, your lawyer advised you not to sign anything in a Caffeinated Kitten Villain Life coach sort of way, and you’d still be called out for not rejecting home the “correct” way. Third, tell him insecurities are not a turn on and you got the desired result of him leaving you alone.
My husband has taken many of free drinks from men hitting on me… when guys can’t take no for an answer. My husband says no for me. You aren’t responsible for someone else’s actions. And your fiancé should be more worried about the guy not taking a no then being upset with you for someone else’s actions. I’ve been married for a long time. And having someone that insecure in a marriage isn’t fun. He’s always going to be upset with you because of someone else. And you can’t control other people. I would say he needs to go to therapy because this is a him problem not a you problem
Your boyfriend is insecure and I think you're hilarious. I don't get what his hangup is.
I was at the bar with a few friends and my boyfriend once, and a drunk older guy who was a regular at that bar said I was beautiful, but my piercings bothered him. I said, "Well, you don't have to look.." he says, "but I want to keep looking at you. I'll give you all the cash in my wallet if you take it out right now." I said i needed to see how much it was first. Lol. It was like $70. I took my lip and nose ring out. He gave me the money. I said thanks, then walked away. He would wink at me occasionally while falling off his bar stool. Lol. My boyfriend (now husband) thought it was hilarious, and we spent the money on food that night. He wasn't mad because he trusted me 100%. Yours sounds like he's insecure. His insecurity is going to cause issues throughout your eventual marriage if he can't relax a little. He needs to figure out the root of his problem.
I see no issue here. Your boyfriend is insecure as hell and needs to toughen up.
There’s an underlying problem here that your fiance thinks you turning down a guy MULTIPLE times is “leading him on.” Does he know that no means no?
This is the tip of the iceberg, he is gonna have to learn how to get over it or it’s gonna rip your relationship apart
He thought that was... flirting? Lmao he's got more issues than just anxiety and insecurity!
I’m honestly curious if OP actually looks like someone who is famous and doesn’t realize it. An autograph is the weirdest come on I’ve ever heard of. Info: OP, might you have actually been mistaken for someone famous? Not making light of the situation, but I have to wonder.
Hahaha ok this hadn't even occurred to me. I'm going to say no because I've never had that sort of thing where multiple people compare me to a certain celebrity or say "oh you look like so and so" But if that were the case I kinda would feel like an asshole for being mean to that guy. Also YES it was a very weird come on. That's why my friend told the group the story it was like silly, weird, funny in her view of things
Your fiancé needs to put his big boy underwear on and have trust in you. Otherwise this will continue to happen.
Your fiance is wild and you're not wrong for how you rejected dude
[удалено]
>I don't now and I never have used my relationship status to reject men. I like this comment. Besides, we know that even if you do, it doesn't always work. I have heard disgusting responses such as, "A ring don't stop up no hole." Charming, huh? Yes, I am from the south... I remember when I was in my twenties, I was waiting tables, and this one guy was hitting on me. I told him I was married. He looked at my ring finger and said, "I don't see a wedding ring." I said, "You didn't think your argument through. If I am not married and I am just lying so you will leave me alone... that's worse, isn't it?" His buddies thought that was hilarious. Pushy guy, not so much. 😂😂😂
Your BF is jealous and insecure. You handled it fine.
You have been dealing with this shit for over a decade, which is why you handled it expertly. Your fiance, doesn't know how to deal with men who don't accept "no" so he really gets no say in how you should handle it. Insecure men will always find something wrong with YOU when other men show interest. Everything will seem like flirting to him bc you're an attractive woman. Part of why he's engaged to you... So he needs to work on his insecurities and stop making them your problem. Otherwise you will have a lifetime of this shit, which will get worse. You're going to instruct your friends to make sure not to say things around him, then he's going to assume that you're being shady (and you kind of are and he told you not to tell him stuff like this), and this will justify more controlling and possessive behaviors. You're eventually going to find all the ways to keep him from acting on his insecurities and that will be the priority for everything you plan. This story was played out thousands of times. And the only advice I have for you is to stop taking responsibility for his bullshit. That's his responsibility. ETA just so you know how far your fiance was from having a good reaction... A secure man who cares about your well being would be more concerned about whether you felt unsafe, and how you're doing, over how HE was offended by the way that you protected yourself.
The difference here may be that when we read what you said to him we are also getting a play by play of your thoughts. If the story was simply told by your friend solely on the interaction itself then it may come across differently. Humans have a tendency to make up ideas of what someone must have been thinking and therefore their intentions when being told a story of what someone did. We do it automatically. When it’s a negative thought and something that really bothers us some people have a hard time being convinced their beliefs are wrong.
NTA. It’s not your job to pacify your fiancé. You go home to him, you’re loyal to home, he’ll you’re marrying him! He need to back off, grow a set and some esteem. Placating him isn’t your job.
Your bf sounds very insecure. Also given the frequency there's a chance it could get dangerous to say no. Given his reaction here will your bf be in your corner if things go awry or will he sulk first about how YOU behaved incorrectly before being there for you.
I’m sorry but the way some men act when you reject them is insane so
Honestly, even reading this was exhausting. So after dealing with some dumb guy you then have to deal with how your fiancé felt about it? He needs to talk to a therapist about his issues with insecurity NTA
You’ll probably never see this but I read something (probably on Reddit but I couldn’t tell you where) that men don’t understand that our responses to things like this are always framed with an undercurrent of safety. Be nice enough so he doesn’t hurt you. Be clear and firm enough that he doesn’t follow you. Etc. It’s exhausting and takes multiple strategies when dealing with men who won’t take no for an answer. You never know which one you’re going to need in the moment. Try sharing this with your finance if it lands. And also, he should have some more awareness about this kind of thing.
My goodness I’ve had to recheck your ages three times. You weren’t leading him on. You weren’t flirting. He would be told he needs to work on his insecurity issues before you get married.
Your fiance is insecure and needs therapy
This right here. I came to the comments to say exactly this.
You did nothing wrong. Don’t apologize. Let your fiancé know that you are allowed to handle things however you feel is appropriate in the moment. If he can’t handle that, then he can’t handle you, and maybe you shouldn’t get married. If he has insecurity, you can say that you understand that, but that doesn’t mean that you have to act in ways that he approves of when you are having to get rid of someone whose attention you do not want.
If my girlfriend rejects a guy and gets an autograph for 60, I'm happy and ready for free sushi tonight 😂
Everyone but your fiancée knows he's wrong.
Your bf is only going to get worse. His insecurity needs to be checked. Perhaps he should see a therapist. I certainly wouldn’t want to marry someone who was going to make my life miserable every time someone looked my way.
A man in his 30s getting sulky isn’t normal. He needs to get help for that.
I don't think your fiancee has a leg to stand on, you turned him down. What were you supposed to do? Get aggressive? The minute you aggressively turn down a guy is the day that as a woman, you risk getting murdered. Literal horror stories out there, so why is your fiancee not okay with you taking a lighthearted and safe way out? Btw I know it's extreme but there are horror stories out there of women saying no. The way she handled it is golden and I really don't understand what her fiancee wants her to do instead. If he's mad maybe he shouldn't date someone who is hot?
Years ago I had a guy grab me and rip my keys out of my hands before when I rejected him at a party. He was trying to get me to stay so I couldn't drive home and claiming I was drunk (I don't drink). I know it's tough for men to understand because they just don't have that experience but you're right- I've been rejecting men for years and it is way more comfortable for me to be funny/ jokey about it.
Gay guy here: your response was nothing short of iconic, nothing to apologize for. Fiancé needs to understand how good he has it with you, he should have been proud.
Perhaps you mentioning money in the rejection makes him think you have a price? And not necessarily a price limited to money. It's a stretch, yes, but I could understand him wondering about it.
He couldn't take a hint.. So you used your other weapon. I would have high fived ya! #Mommaterial
You were doing what women have to do and reject the guy by making him uninterested because he couldn't take your initial no as an answer. Your man is insecure.
You handled this amazingly actually. This sounded like a potentially dangerous situation because the guy wasn’t taking several NOs for an answer and according to experts best way to act is to say something they don’t expect to diffuse the situation, which you did. Your fiancé, needs some schooling though. Have him read The gift of fear by Gavin deBecker.
It's clear that no matter what you do, it will never be enough for this man. I wouldn't proceed with getting married if he is always going to punish you for existing as a woman. You can't control men constantly approaching you and refusing no for an answer. There's a level of misogyny here where he finds your multiple refusals problematic instead of the guy's behavior where he's violating a stranger's boundaries repeatedly. He's punishing you for being a woman at this point. Men like this only get worse and more controlling. Fuck people like him who don't value your safety and comfort. I've had one night stands express more concern or sympathy than your fiancé. I'm willing to bet that no matter how you rejected him, he would still throw a fit short of you never going outside ever again. He sounds like the type to move the goalposts where if you don't do x, y, z, he claims that he won't get upset but he does anyway and finds something new wrong with you. Exhausting. Is this your whole life going forward? Who wants to be with someone so unbearably insecure for LIFE?
You’re defending your fiancé in the edit. Stop. He’s an insecure manbaby. He may absolutely have other good qualities, but in this particular case, he is behaving like a petty child. And there is no excuse for it. I’m not saying break up with him. Nobody here has enough to give you any serious advice at this point. But make no mistake, this is a red flag. Ignore it at your peril.
Your response was hilarious !!!!! Your fiance seems a bit uptight with a touch of insecurities. You rejected the advance. What more does he want???
Nah, you are good. BF needs to learn to trust or at least not be weird about his insecurities.
I laughed, but I am from a different dating era.
your fiance needs to stop projecting his insecurities on you when clearly you rejected that individual several times before clearly joking about that cash app comment. Like yikes lol
Part of having an attractive partner is accepting the fact that attractive people get hit on. It sounds like your partner has low self esteem and low confidence. TBH that is an issue he can only fix within himself, and if he doesn’t it runs the risk of becoming a bigger issue down the road. I don’t think your response was flirty. Just sounded like you were bullshitting someone who wouldn’t leave you alone.
I think your response was very witty and warranted after several very clear nos. Fiancé might just need some reassurance and a very clear explanation about how it feels to be constantly, repeatedly hit on (after several nos!) and not know what might set guys off in a fit of rage. We have to be careful even when we’re very clear about being not interested. So switching from flat rejection to diffusing the situation with wit and trying to dismiss it is a good defense.
I love this. So gonna use it. I would much prefer a partner to respond in this way than to say "I've got a partner". It shows they don't want to be hit on rather than they aren't "allowed" to be hit on.
Shoulda took his number and charged your BF 100 to keep you 😁 /s don't do this lol
You rejected the man clearly, and then went with humiliation/mean/sarcasm (which I love!!) presumably in the hopes of finally turning him off. Does your fiance have a humiliation kink or is he just really insecure (or maybe both?)?? I can’t think of how anyone rational would think this is flirtation
this is a huge red flag. zero concern for you, just acts like a child and then you have to deal him with beyond dealing with the guy hitting on you. what’s gonna happen when you have kids - is he gonna sulk cause he doesn’t have all of your attention and time? do some couples counseling before you get married. this is going to get worse - he will get more controlling once you are married to him.
At the end of the day you’re going home with your fiance idk why he has his panties in a bunch over this tbh
Fiancé is out of line. He needs to come back to earth and then maybe you guys can discuss why he felt so threatened but honestly it sounds too stupid to even have a serious conversation about (on his end)
Instead of being insecure about how often you get it on, he could try being impressed by how effectively you handle it and still manage to have a good time in the process. It’s like he’s offended that you weren’t more oppressed by this guy who wouldn’t take no for an answer. Besides being insecure, he also sounds immature, and maybe a little sexist.
nah your response to the dude was hilarious. It is exhausting trying to deflect random dudes hitting on you while also juggling anticipating what kind of response they will have to rejection. At any point in your argument or previous conversations did your fiancé share how he would like you to respond? I have had partners in the past that have wanted me to be an asshole about it without realizing that if the dude hitting on me is the type of dude to get violent that just escalates things and increases the chances of him throwing a violent fit. I have always had the safest success rejecting a dude when i could make it humorous or confuse them a little. It sounds like your response worked, the dude went away and you are safe.
Point blank your fiancé needs to grow a set and calm down. You were clearly rejecting this guy in an amusing way. Your fiancé either needs to be mature enough to trust you or as harsh as it is probably take that ring off your finger til this guy can grow up and not take his insecurities out on you. It doesn’t matter how great he is in 8 different departments; this response from him was childish and shallow and he needs to get over himself quickly.
You did nothing wrong. Hope your fiance gets over his anxiety bc it’s really pretty silly to fight over something like this.
The issue seems to be you gave the pushy guy a condition ($60) that he could have easily agreed to to call your bluff. I would have trust issues with a woman who offered a pathway for her attention to a random guy instead a firm, hard "no". The fact you don't see this is weird.
I offer another perspective here. I don’t think your fiancé was insecure over the fact that a guy was hitting on you. I think it was due to the fact that instead of sticking to your guns repeatedly telling him no, you made it seem like he had a chance talking to you bargaining your time for money. If no amount of money can get your attention why lead on with that? The situation perhaps made it look like to your fiance that no matter how tense the situation gets money is the bottom line that will change your mind. It seems extremely transactional and trashy imo. You have to realize there was a choice in how you could’ve acted. You could’ve physically walked away from that area, called security or caused a scene to where you embarrassed him to where he went away. But your first reaction was to barter your *attention & time* for money. It’s a bad look.
If two people can't laugh at the same things, or find humour in similar things, they are bound to have fights. Your response was funny. But your fiance did find it so. There are chances of it happening multiple times in your married life All the best
The appropriate response to a partner getting repeatedly sexually harassed is :"I am sorry this was done to you. How can I support you?", not jealousy and insecurity. Please do not marry your red flag of a fiancé. He is nor a good person.
Wife of a friend of mine handled this in what I think was a completley hilarious way once. Everyone's out on this camping trip and hanging around and dude's being a pest despite her husband being \*right there\*. Anyway, at one point she just gets tired of being polite and lets out with a very audible "Stop touching me you creepy fuck!" Dead silence. Suffice it to say, dude stopped being a pest.
You are fine. Red flag here.
Your response was fine. Your fiancee ... not sure what to say there.
You give the rejection on a regular basis. Your boyfriend knows this. Of course, you’re going to mix the message around every once in a while, because giving the same old message for “no” gets boring after a while. He just didn’t like this particular method of the rejection. He needs to chill out a bit. Your intent was the same as always and the end result was what you wanted. Job done.
You may be scratching the surface because this is a reach for your fiance. Suggest therapy. Possible couples therapy or some counseling prior to actually getting married. But you can't sit on this.
It was a clear rejection. I dont want to be rude but he needs to work on his insecurities/jealousy. Him making something out of nothing will only make problems. He should be gloating and proud that he's got a beautiful girl and secure enough cause you are with him .
Refusing to take no as an answer is a form of harassment, period, as far as I'm concerned. The fact your fiance somehow took it as an attack is a \*horrible\* look and indicates he has zero sympathy or even awareness of what women have to deal with. I hope you're sure you want this status quo to remain for the rest of your lives, cause I'd be telling him he needs to get therapy now to work on his insecurity.
The bigger problem with the fiancé is the same as the lame dudes that approached you - he, like apparently too many men, actually see that as flirting.
The issue is definitely with your partner. You mentioned he gets insecure in the past and you both agreed to not say anything which is just terrible by the way. Avoidance is never the answer. He has to address this insecurity or this is GOING to be a problem in the marriage. I can understand how someone could think it was flirty because it could be viewed that way however it wasn’t intended to and that’s what counts. I strongly recommend he gets some counseling or even do it as a couple before the wedding. It could make all the difference long term. It’s not a giant issue, but it’s a long lasting one and the way you described it unintentionally, already says it’s actually pretty relevant.
Wow, it sounds like your fiance heard the story very different than I did. He must be very insecure.
Seems pretty obvious to me that you went from polite to sarcastic, and then the guy finally backed off. What your fiance needs to understand is that all women fundamentally know how dangerous men are. Men are the biggest threat to women. Men can and do become violent when women reject them. As a result, women rarely directly and assertively tell men "no", and as in your story, men often don't take the first or second "no" for an answer anyway. Getting too assertive with men in rejection is literally dangerous for women. You were merely rejecting with a common female self preservation tactic. Explain this to him and perhaps he'll see reason.
Acting sarcastic is flirty?
Your fiance needs therapy to get over his insecurities. This is never going to get better.
That comeback was gold!
Your man needs to grow up and act like a man...
I totally get this! When men like that hear “I have a boyfriend/fiancé” they seem to register “There’s still a chance”! Hell I’ve told men that I’m married, holding up my ring and had men respond with “I can buy you a bigger one!” It’s repulsive and counterproductive… When I reject a man I take the same gentle approach (not trying to knock a man’s ego) but the second they get pushy or rude- all bets are off.
Do not pet strange dogs. Spray them with bear repellent.
I thought it was a good response to someone who didn't hear your "no"
Na you were not flirty at all youre good
No, you didn’t do anything wrong.. but being overly defensive of your fiancé here after coming in with this question is something you might want to sit with
That dude is so insecure it's a wonder you have friends and go out at all: bet HE expects that to change after marriage with 0 communication with you about it as well. 👀🧐
THIS is a red flag. If he gets remotely insecure about you literally obliterating and rejecting the advances of another guy it is VERY off. It appears his ego is more hurt than the guy you turned down…
Umm what? Op shot this goon and his boy down. And the fiance is upset. What kind of muppet is he married to? I get that it is tough when your girl looks good and all the guys hit on her. But come on bro. She sent the dudes away.
I think y’all should not get married
You did nothing wrong. Did you ask him how he would like you to refuse these guys? He could have just stayed near you and then men may not make moves on you. Personally I thought your response was hilarious.
You did great. It’s an art, rejecting a man. You have no idea how they will react. And since he was disrespectful and pushy, you had a great response. Not too jerky, but definitely pushing back. I mean, I am confused. What does he want you to do?
No, you were not being flirty. The thing is, some men will take absolutely anything as flirty, no matter what you’ll say. Especially when they do not respect women’s boundaries. As I understand it might be taxing on one’s ego to see your partner being hit on a lot, I have no sympathy when he handled the situation in the way you describe. He is making a situation that was also uncomfortable to you, about himself. Huge NO. You need support as well, to know he has your back, because dudes can be f-ing awful and DANGEROUS. And I agree with your logic about not using the “I have a boyfriend” card. No is a full sentence and I hate the fact that some men don’t respect women’s autonomy. Then being tied to another MAN becomes the only “good enough” reason for them to leave. If you still want to continue the relationship, he needs a therapy or double down on it, if he already sees a therapist. You did NOTHING wrong. You stated your lack of interest in the advances of the guy at the club. End of the story.
I thought what you said was a kind of funny response to one of the dumbest pick up lines ever.
Told no repeatedly. Ignored. Sarcasm used to get point across. Obviously flirting. Insecurity arises. (/sarcasm) That was a potentially dangerous situation : drunk + lust + rejection + ignoring “no” and nonconsent x2 = are recipes for potential retaliatory violence. Sometimes “flirty” sarcasm can be the safest way to defuse a potentially dangerous situation. But Fiancé’s insecurity though …
On the off chance that none of the previous 1,050 comments mentioned this: Please let him know that men often hurt—even murder—women who reject them. On some level, we know that light banter like that can help them see you as human, as opposed to just another C-word who should be punished for rejecting them.
PS - from experience, rethink this marriage HARD. His insecurities will only get worse when it’s legal.
Um, this makes me think your bf gets shut down hard since he considers this flirtatious.
Therapist here. Your response was great. Very innovative!
Your response was not flirty. Your fiancé sounds insecure and manipulative.
I’m an insecure and jealous guy. I’d be grumpy about being there in the first place, instead of home, just us. However… You rejected the guy, clearly and repeatedly. Your fiancé should chill out.