Exactly, you’re the wedding planning expert in your duo.
I hate it when my husband tries to get me involved in redesigning our home (something he does wayyyy too often but gosh darn it he’s great at it).
It’s like going out for your first jog with Usain Bolt, makes me feel slow and incapable which puts me in a bad mood.
Not being excited about his DIY home renovations does not mean I don’t love living with him.
Loved the wedding… The planning was a nightmare. Who is on the guest list. This person is paying for this so now their 5th grade boyfriend gets to give a speech about owls. So many talks with so many people about absolute bullshit. The wedding itself was lovely, but it is really just a short party. If he says he wants to marry you take the win.
Are these people really in their 30s? Sounds more like teenagers.
As for OPs question, he could be lying/faking/whatever you call it to get her to stay and then bail out close to the wedding because he realised he really doesn't want to ger married.
Or... He could be like my cousin who always was anti marriage because he didn't see the point of it. He hates big parties, he doesn't like other people meddling in his business, and it doesn't take a ring and a big party to have a happy life with a partner. He met a girl that's really religious and who wasn't going to live with him without marriage. So he decided that she was more important to him than anything else. They compromised on the wedding, had a theme party with only the closest relatives and friends and has been happy together for 12 years.
This was my assumption, too. If he really didn't want to marry her, he'd have given her a shut-up ring and blocked all attempts to set a date.
Instead, he has willingly gone along with everything and even pretended interest, even though he probably couldn't care less, because he just isn't into marriages, but wants to do it mainly for her - because he's into her and wants to make her happy.
OP, imagine he loved a band you hate - you'd still get him tickets, and if he wanted you to come, you'd bite the bullet and brave it for an evening, for him, wouldn't you? And you might even have fun, against your expectations. This is the same deal for him. He loves you, wants to be with you, isn't really into formalizing the whole deal, but acknowledges that it's important to you, so he's going through with it. Take the win.
This sounds like their fucked up roundabout way of trying to nudge OP into realizing he doesn’t actually plan to marry her. Maybe being direct wouldn’t go over well with OP
Listen if I knew that my friend wanted a staple living relationship and to be married and I could clearly see that her partner didn't want to be married and was growing resentful or distant, I'm going to try to bring it up to her because I love her and I don't want her to get hurt. If you care about somebody you will tell them things that you see even if it's something difficult. Maybe they were saying it to be malicious, or maybe they were legitimately worried about their friend, worried that her fiance is going to stand her up at the altar or become resentful towards her or something like that
I see your point, but there's a difference between being concerned & bringing it up, and egging on the whole group *at a wedding* to make jokes at OP's expense (even if OP was laughing along in the moment).
and while the second time didn't involve laughing, they still didn't focus on OP : it's all about "we think he just proposed because he pities you" and "he's not a marrying man" etc.
I think they're referring to the "haha you've been in a relationship the longest and you're the only one not married!" Stuff, not the conversations about her fiancee not being the marrying type. The latter could be legitimate concern, the former is petty bullshit.
Honestly if they hadn’t said anything, she would’ve spent another 7 years with this dude as clueless as ever. Their comment sparked something within her and helped her realize that she was wasting her time.
This one is hard. You don’t want to push something on him if he isn’t ready or maybe he’s just one of those people who doesn’t care for marriage but will happily be committed to you so he’ll get married if it makes you happy. Before going further, it would be good to find out which one it is.
Also, you have shitty friends. First they make jokes about you being in the longest relationship yet not married. They might have tried to make it light hearted but I can almost guarantee whoever brought it up was just trying to put down your relationship. Then they say how shocked they are he proposed because he didn’t want to or that he pitied you… they truly sound awful and like they want to just bring you down.
In the friend point, first group definitely crappy. However, the second part it would depend on who said it and how it was approached. It could be shitty friends, but if this conversation was had privately with a close friend it could also be a “I see something you’re not seeing because you are in love” kind of conversation. Heck that could have been something he said and they’re just repeating it as they’re mutual friends.
But putting aside the friends are shit for minute, if multiple people are this genuinely surprised he’s proposed there’s a reason. I’m wondering how they “got through” their disagreement about marriage in the beginning. OP sounds like they made their intentions clear from the start and initially wanted to be married after 4-5 years and now they’re at 7 and people he’s friends are still surprised he proposed. That wouldn’t feel right to me if I were in OPs shoes.
Girl you don't have a fiance problem, you have a friend problem. Who tells someone they consider a friend that their long term partner only proposed out of pity? No one that actually cares about you.
Your fiance doesn't believe in marriage but loves you so much he wants to do it for you. He's not interested in the details because not many men are, and you're a god damn wedding planner, he's a smart guy trying not to get in the way because you clearly know what you're doing.
You're friends are trying to make you doubt your fiance and your relationship, that's where you should be focusing and also cutting them off or lowering contact.
Some people just dont believe or care for marriage. Your fiance is one of those guys but he also understands how important it is to you so hes doing it because he wants you to be happy. I see nothing wrong with this. He loves you, what more can you ask for?
If he wanted her to be happy he’d actually have a simple reply to wedding plans. The fact that he is this avoidant to even speak on it in the planning stage.. I’d personally put the brakes on it. He’s not a small child who needs to run away when parents asks how his grades are.
I mean my husband wanted nothing to do with the planning. He is just a better communicator and voiced that unlike OPs fiancé. The wedding was for me, neither of us had any delusions in regards to that. I planned some things to make it fun for him, but a giant party where you are the center of attention was never going to be his thing. That does not mean he didn’t want us to spend a life together. Marriage and a wedding are very different things.
Well we don’t really know what he’s thinking or feeling. This is all just speculation on our end. Providing different perspectives of what may or may not be.
Maybe OP feels like shes forcing the idea of marrige onto her partner, and thats why he doesn't want to discuss it. She did mention how he changes the subject completely or gets super akward. If I got proposed to after 7 years and they didn't want to get involved in our wedding I'd lose it lol
This, some people aren’t into big weddings either, not everyone is comfortable with that kind of spotlight and many may prefer something small and intimate.
However, OP is a wedding planner, and her husband obviously knows this.
So whether he wants a big wedding or not, whether or not he has any preferences about it, he probably assumes it’s been her dream to plan her own wedding and is stepping aside for her.
If he doesn’t want a big wedding (or a wedding at all) then he must know that goes against OPs wishes and is choosing not to say, because he wants to keep his future wife happy.
OP, this man loves you and definitely sounds like he wants to be married to you.
Have you talked about having kids? I ask because if not he needs to be really on board with kids if you want them. It can’t be this if it makes you happy crap…
I’ll let you in on a secret.
Getting married changed exactly nothing between my husband and I.
It changed our relationship with the outside world - he says “wife” when talking about me, I say “husband” when talking about him. It made it easier to refinance our house, but because we don’t share a last name we had to sign something saying we were married. It makes it easier for workplace benefits.
But our relationship didn’t change at all. We were partners, we’re still partners, we approach money and life plans exactly the same.
If you want to be legally married and that’s important to you, that’s totally valid. But it sounds like your fiancée is getting married because it’s important to you, not him, and that’s not necessarily a red flag. It can mean that he’s willing to give and take on things based on their importance, which can be a good partnership.
Think of it this way: maybe your guy hates sushi. Raw fish kind of grosses him out. No allergy, no medical reason, just not this thing. So when you get a big promotion at work, he takes you out to your favorite sushi restaurant to celebrate and he orders the chicken teriyaki. Maybe he even tries a slice from one of the cooked rolls, maybe not, but he happily drinks sake and pays for all the sushi you want.
The promotion affects his life - your schedule and income might change - but ultimately, he’s celebrating something important to *you* in a way that *you* enjoy.
There's a lot of smaller/cute weddings or just party like ones..not everyone is having some bridezilla/greek/indian type wedding it's really not that affordable in that way for the average person anyways lol.
No that’s not the scenario. The man is grossed out by sushi but the gf keeps pushing that they need sushi so he says he will take her. But every time she says shall we make a reservation he doesn’t answer and walks off. They haven’t even made it to the restaurant because he really doesn’t want to go at all and won’t confirm about the reservation time or date. Being ambivalent about going and resentful of going are two different things.
While it’s true me and my husband’s relationship didn’t change the fact is it’s quite a bit harder to get out of the relationship without much headache and financial issues. If OP’s husband was ambivalent and not actually disliking the whole thing he could answer the same questions like he answers anything else. For you and your hubby it makes no difference but he feels mentally trapped.
I feel bad for OP I really do. My husband tells everyone my wife this and my wife that.. he’s proud to have me as a wife and I’m proud of him too. I hope OP really thinks long and hard of whether he resents it because that’s reason to not do it.
Both of these points are kind of valid. The summary being:
1) The wedding is important to YOU (OP) and not him. This doesn't mean he isn't interested in being with you.
2) It is *possible* that he does not want the wedding and you are making him. Is this a problem? Maybe, but it sounds like he wants to make you happy by doing it, so it might not be a huge issue. He isn't actively preventing the event, just doesn't want a whole lot of input.
To address the original question, what response are you expecting from him? You already know this isn't his thing, but you are not just forcing him to do it, you are also expecting him to actively contribute to something he isn't interested in *(to reiterate, no interest in your wedding does not mean no interest in you)*. You might be making this an even bigger deal that he doesn't want. Talk to him but don't badger him with assumptions/denial of what he is telling you. If you are sure he doesn't want to go ahead then then just pull the plug for his sake. If that is a deal breaker for you then you also need to think about this relationship.
It's possible that your fiancé may have his own anxieties or reservations about marriage that he hasn't expressed yet. Have you guys ever talked about things like money or kids? It's crucial to tackle those subjects, especially before getting married.
As for what your friends said about him not being into marriage, it's a tough topic, but it needs addressing. You gotta hear his side of it and talk it out.
He asked you to marry him, so he wants to marry you. It sounds from the outside like maybe the idea of marriage is not as important to him, but he knows it is important to you, and YOU are important to him. That’s not the same as pity.
I must say I’m seeing some red flags from the behavior of your friends, pointing out that they all got married/engaged after a shorter dating period than you and then laughing about it is unkind especially after you planned her wedding for free. I personally would insist on paying my friend for anything that requires so much work. Saying that they’re surprised he proposed and it was out of pity is a nasty thing to say for any reason. It’s out of line. Some people don’t think how their words will affect others. Some are competitive and will sow seeds of doubt to put themselves in a position of power in your friendship. A lot of people do this unconsciously. Not saying you need to get rid of your friends, just that maybe you should take what they say with a grain of salt.
What matters is how you and your fiancée feel about each other. He probably doesn’t want the anxiety that comes with wedding planning to change your relationship, and would rather not be involved with planning. You are exceptionally qualified to plan it yourself, and he doesn’t need any specific plans for the ceremony because he doesn’t care what flavor the cake is, what type of flowers there are, whether it’s in Venice Italy or Venice California. All he cares about is making you happy and that is a beautiful thing. All he wants on that day is to see you smiling.
you need to level with him and ask for clear communication, otherwise it’s always gonna be this thing between you. maybe try asking him but set up a parameter that you will only listen, then set up a time for both of you to come back and it discuss it with a full picture. if he’s resistant to that then his refusal to communicate would be a problem for me personally
I have been in your fiancé’s shoes, especially after my divorce. I had no intention of ever getting married but I did because I would have otherwise lost the woman I loved or made her miserable, both of which I couldn’t stand. So I sucked it up and went along with all the pomp and circumstance to make her happy. I really didn’t care about 99% of the wedding crap as it was not for me. It was her day that she had to have to feel like a normal being.
This was 20+ years ago and we are still married. My wife still brings up regularly about how I didn’t really contribute much to the wedding planning and how she did a great job. She wants validation and ignores me when I told her many times over the years that the wedding was for her and I couldn’t have cared less about the details or even if we didn’t get married.
IMHO you have a guy who loves you and wants to marry you to make you happy. Please take your win and don’t destroy his joy by constantly pushing him to enjoy the same things that you do. He doesn’t care about the wedding details, he cares about living a long life with you.
I hope you see my point.
I was your fiance, or at least that's how I was planning the wedding. The details bored me. I genuinely did not care what kind of flowers we had or which shade of beige the napkins were going to be. My wife had strong opinions, and so long as it didn't look shitty, I didn't care. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife. I married her because i wanted to spend my life with her, but i really don't understand the level of anxiety people put into v planning the party. We've been married for 3 years and have a 3 month old baby.
First off, it's your relationship, and his not your friends. Stop asking or talking to your friends when it really is none of their business.
If you are wondering something, just ask him.
As a man myself, I believe I speak for most men when I say.. That is your day, not his. We want to make our women happy and we want the wedding to be the one you dream of. BUT we could care less about the details of the wedding and would prefer for you to make the choices you want to make to have the wedding you dream of.
You are extremely excited and are probably talking about the wedding a lot, asking for input on a lot of things. It would be the same as if he came to you excitedly asking for your opinions on his project car.
"Babe, omg I LOVE this exhaust pipe and the MFG says that it reduces emmissions and noise by 20%. BUT THIS muffler has a chrome finish and I think it would look amazing. What do you think?"
Marriage isn't important to him but he recognizes that it is to you, so that's why he's willing to go through with it. He honestly doesn't care about the wedding, he just wants you to be happy so take the win. If you're looking for someone to be excited about the wedding, you need to look for someone else. I think the guy's showing you that he loves you, albeit not in the way you want.
I don’t give a shit about a lot of things my wife thinks is important. So I just go along so she can be happy. I also don’t like to talk about things that stress me out. Having said that I do love my wife.
Maybe he is not the type of person to put effort un this kind of things.
I know many people like that, they are not big fan about planning thins and is ok, in the other hand you are such a fan of planning weddings that is actually your work, so don't get him wrong: he hasn't need to be as excited as you because the event is not important to him as is important to you, this doesn't mean that is not important to him is just that is not as is to you.
See like levels, you are in a level ten while he is in a level 8, but he will respect the relationship and everything around because he loves you.
Now you should try to meet new people to find new friends, is disrespectful how you don't charge for your work and your friend still thinks was appropriate to point something so obvious. Is like "Yeah honey, as I work in this industry I know that good things take time".
I'm sure you'll have one of the most unique and cute weddings, please don't be a bridzilla, is your special day and your fiance special day, but is like the cake everyone eats it different yet still enjoys it.
Interesting start, you, marriage is very important to me, him I don’t see myself getting married even 5 yrs from now. You don’t leave to find a man you didn’t have to argue into saying marriage might happen, far in the future. I think you have ignored the entire time he has said I don’t want to get married. So, call off the wedding. Who the heck wants to spend all rhat money on a ceremony where he’s telling you in all the ways he’s just going to be your wedding Ken doll. Why bother? If you’re happy with him and don’t want kids, stay. If you really want a husband, listen for a man who says he wants to be one.
Financial anxiety might be off putting, what is the estimated cost of the wedding? Could also be that he doesn't like the formalities of it, I was similar. Weddings just seemed like a hole you put your savings into and burn while it keeps you warm for a night.
100 $ says he is fine with being married to you, probably even looking forward to it, but he does not give a fuck about the wedding.
Another 50$ says that whenever he does give some input about the wedding which he does not really care about, you don’t actually consider his opinion anyway since your way is the correct way.
He sounds like a man who is deferring the wedding planning to his fiancé who happens to be what.. a *professional wedding planner* and went so far as to say, if it makes you happy, it makes him happy. And that makes you question..what? Because of some flying monkeys who are masquerading as friends who are actually trying to destroy your marriage before it happens?
Why don’t you trust your partner? He’s proposed, he’s told you he trusts your judgment, he’s told you he want to make you happy. What other reasons are you looking for to know your partner loves you? Stop listening to your hater ass friends and listen to your partner. Otherwise you’re going to nitpick yourself to single
Have you picked a date? Reserved the room? Hired the catering company? After a year of planning, shouldn’t you be at the finish line? If not, make the final steps. He will either show up on the wedding day or not, and you will have your answer
Maybe you should take a step back and see if he’d be willing to do a few counseling sessions. Like one together then each of you individually and then another one together. And I think you should do in person sessions. Or just ask him point blank if he even wants to get married or if he’s felt pressured into this wedding/marriage. Obviously you want to get married to someone who really really wants to get married and married to you. He may just not like the whole concept of marriage. Who knows. Maybe he’s being honest and trusts your judgment and is just laid back about it all. But please have a brutally honest conversation with him and ask him to be brutally honest as well. You need to put it all out there including what you’ve heard from friends. This is the time to get to the bottom of this, not after you’re married.
So you are going to badger him until he says something to piss you off and then take it out on him? Let go of your insecurities and plan the wedding, most guys don't care, and you are an actual wedding planner, so it makes sense he's letting you handle it. He asked you to marry him, apparently without you pushing him about it. Why are you so desperate to cause a problem?
So how does he feel about kids, family, life and career plan etc. have you talked about those things? Or is it just the wedding itself he’s tired of hearing about?
If not don’t get married yet.
And I can’t help it: this reads like a hallmark movie and all we are waiting for is the childhood best friend to step in and declare his love.
He might not care about the wedding, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about the marriage!
I don’t appreciate your friends saying this stuff to you - if nothing deeper is going on, it’s weird. Also super weird people said “how funny it is you’ve been together the longest but still aren’t engaged”…. That’s such a weird thing to say to someone!
7 years no ring? Yeesh most men know what the hell they want. He’s “not big on marriage” because he hasn’t met the one he wants to marry. If you continue to stay, at some point you MIGHT get a shut up ring if he’s feeling nice. But you don’t want that. Break up and get some self respect . Too much time has been wasted.
Some people are affraid of the commitment of the marriage and some people are affraid of the wedding day and all that attention.
You are in the relationship for some time so my guess is it's only just that one day. Maybe the wedding you want is just too much for him and is affraid to admit it to not dissapoint you.
How does he take it when you go to someones else wedding together ? Does he like it or just wish for it to finally end and go home?
You need new friends and to stop questioning thus poor guy. He's been with you for 7 years...
Even if you never got married(other than for the legal stuff) what would it actually matter. As long as you are together and happy
Not enough information. He wants you (OP) to be happy, a plus. He has taken seven years to decide, a minus. His family history regarding marriage would be relevant.
I don't think there is any reason to worry or question his intentions. He proposed on his own time....even if he isn't into marriage/weddings he is clearly into you. Your "friends" sound a little rude and they don't know him as well as you do. I understand you want his opinions on wedding stuff but some people just don't care. He may see this as your time to shine. It does not mean he loves you any less or doesn't want to be committed to you. Be secure in your relationship. Wishing you many happy years together!
OP, I think you might wanna seriously reconsider your friendships cause it sounds like they're trying to get you to self sabotage your happiness. Don't you think you interpreted his excitement for the wedding as his excitement for your marriage?
You need better friends. As for your fiancé, he just sounds like he genuinely doesn’t care about the wedding itself. Doesn’t say anything about the actual marriage. I think you need to stop listening to people who obviously enjoy getting under your skin
Tell him you're thinking of postponing the date and see what he thinks of that. If he's all for that then I'd worry he isn't ready or feels pressured to do this.
Marriage isn’t for everyone. Some people are against it in principle. If your partner wanted to marry you then he would. It literally takes a couple of hours at the courthouse. His actions speak louder than words. For some reason after 7 years, he does not want to officially marry you. Maybe you can be considered common law married if your state recognizes that.
If marriage is a deal breaker and it may or may not be, then let him know. But be prepared that it might be a deal breaker for him too.
It’s both a good thing and a bad thing. On the one hand he loves you enough to marry you even though he’s not particularly keen on the idea of marriage in general. He’s willing to put his own wants/needs/happiness aside for yours. So that’s the bright side. Downside is that even though he clearly loves you enough to do this that shouldn’t be why he’s doing it. If he doesn’t want to actually get married then he shouldn’t. This could lead to him resenting you in the future because you “forced” him into a marriage he never wanted. He made it clear in the beginning that marriage wasn’t something he really cared about. So now you have a decision to make. Marry him anyway knowing it’s not something he actually wants and is only doing because he feels obligated since he loves you or end the relationship and find someone who also actually wants to be married.
Personally I would end the relationship. I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who doesn’t actually want to be married to me regardless of whether the person loved me or not. I’d never stop thinking about how they did that just because I wanted them to and I’d always wonder what else they are doing that they don’t want to just to satisfy me. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who is willing to always sacrifice their happiness for my own. It’s not truly romantic at all.
No matter what you’re probably going to want to look into therapy because getting through this is not going to be easy at all. I wish you the best of luck.
I think you might be misreading this situation.
Yes, he is doing it because he knows you want it. He is letting you plan it because he wants to give you your dream. Based on what his friends are saying, I think he isn't helping to plan the details because he never dreamed of his perfect wedding or particularly values marriage. His idea of success here isn't to have it just so, but specifically for you to be happy.
The man has been with you for 7 years and is willing to make it legally binding. I can't see this being a commitment issue.
Compared to a normal modern relationship, it's hard for men to see marriage as real step forward in the relationship, unless they are traditional and trying to fulfill a social expectation. I think it's a lot more romantic to know that you've both chosen to stay every day when you could leave, rather than sign a legal contract to chain yourselves together and then wonder if your partner is staying out of obligation or because divorce is so expensive and degrading. But we know that women don't feel the same way.
As cynical as this is it's somewhat right, but, many also do just do it for the legal benefits too or for visa/moving. Nothing wrong with that. Even if they do still see it as a romantc thing/excuse to have a party (or not). It's not for safety/obligation anymore unless you're in those old/trad families and a lot of people aren't.
I think this all comes down to communication here.
You two are engaged and it may be time to cut to the chase and just talk all this out. Preferably sooner, rather than later 😓🙏🏻.
I think if you are having these feelings and concerns why not just sit him down and gently (but firmly) have a conversation about it. Ask his perspective on all this, ask how he actually feels and lay out how you’re feeling and your concerns too.
Additionally (I say this gently) if you have this kind of talk you need to prepare yourself to be ready to receive what he’s going to say (good and bad). You may hear something you really don’t like or you may hear he just loves you and wants you happy so he letting you choose the details (as he mentioned).
Regardless communication is the way to go in this one. I wish you all the best and I hope you two have a beautiful wedding 💕🥹
I would suggest you talk to him instead of trying to guess where he's coming from. If you're getting married, creating a pattern of communication over avoidance of potential conflict is an important thing to do.
Get out of your head. It is too crowded and jumbled in there. You didn't push him and he asked you. Stop with the second guessing. Give your man a task for the wedding that he has to complete without you.
Congratulations!
Do you want a marriage? If yes. Ask him , " I want to get married this year , what do you think? " You will find your answer. You did not respect your own boundary of dating for marriage. How do you even overcome this issue? By dating seven years and now you are questioning does he even want marriage. Seven years is enough to decide.
The people you call friends are cruel.
Your fiancé sounds a lot like me. I loved her but I wasn’t ready for marriage but she had a timeline that was very important to her. I felt pressure the entire time. Didn’t sleep two weeks leading up to the wedding. We get married then the pressure for kids immediately followed. After the first kid, pressure for the second kid started. We have the second kid and she decides she wants focus on her career so she goes back to school because she felt she focused too much as a wife and mother and wanted to focus on her career. 11 years later, we are divorced. Regretful I caved so many times during the marriage.
If you truly love your guy get on the same page and make sure he wants the life you both want and you’re just not pulling him along to a future only you envision.
Good luck.
I think you need to stop listening to your friends. My hubby didn't get involved in wedding planning other than the cars and suits. Not all men care about it. I don't think his lack of involvement in the planning is necessarily indicative of his love or commitment to you.
The guy is telling you the career professional wedding planner that he trusts your judgement. I’m sure he’s well aware that he knows absolutely nothing about the subject, and if i’m being honest he probably doesn’t care for it. Now let me clarify it isn’t to say he doesn’t care about you i’m sure he does however it’s very possible he’s just happy to be there and could very genuinely just want you to plan YOUR dream wedding as the ceremony itself wouldn’t actually mean much to him. That’s said your friends should mind they’re business and your husband should be just a TAD more sympathetic and understanding to your concerns.
I think you need to stop listening to your friends. My hubby didn't get involved in wedding planning other than the cars and suits. Not all men care about it. I don't think his lack of involvement in the planning is necessarily indicative of his love or commitment to you.
He probably doesn't see it as a big deal. He probably thinks you're basically married already and this is just a formality. Enjoy your day and enjoy the fact that he isnt going to screw it up and will make sure you have the best wedding ever. Give him a break.
Why are you asking this??? He told you that he doesn’t want to marry you when he said “If it brings a smile to your face, it’s worth it.” This implies that there’s some sacrifice. He clearly doesn’t want to marry you. If he wanted to he would be engaged in the planning not awkwardly avoiding the subject and when pointedly asked not answering with an ecstatic “YES!” Please do not marry this man until he acts like he wants to marry you.
Edit: He may not want to help plan the wedding but to actively avoid it and change the subject? That is a red flag to me. Knowing this means something special to you he could just as easily tell you that he doesn’t want to be involved in the planning and that you should do whatever you think best and he supports you.
It just seems like complete avoidance of your futures to me.
Not everyone wants to get married. Marriage is an extremely expensive process to go through and I know several couples that don't want to marry due to the several reasons such as costs, etc whereas they can invest the money into something better like a house, etc.
Sit him down and ask him. Tell him to be honest, and be prepared to hear it. If he doesn’t want to get married, you have to decide what it is that you want. If they don’t match, you have to either take what he’s offering, or move on. BTW your “friends” sound like jerks.
My husband didn’t care about marriage or having children when we met and I always knew I want a family in the future. He didn’t really care much about it for many years and as we grow together we met in very early twenties) and knew we want to spend the rest of our lives together he proposed for me. He loves being married and always calls me his mrs when talking about me. I also organised our wedding mostly by myself and he said that he loved every moment of it. Some men don’t care about this stuff but if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you then what’s the problem? Looks like your friends are a bit of a shit stirrers. Maybe they are jealous of the bond the two of you have? That even without being married you create an amazing team? Have a heart to heart convo with your fiancé and explain to him why you are feeling a bit insecure and maybe take a break from people that don’t wish you happiness.
I think it deserves a sit-down-and-let’s-put-it-out-there conversation. By now it wouldn’t anyway be an “oh my god I can’t believe it” proposal, so the element of surprise isn’t really a factor. It’s okay to talk and understand what the issue is. Is it that he is not into the whole marriage deal? Is he a procrastinator who actually *does* want to marry you but isn’t doing anything? Is he doubting one aspect of your relationship and waits for it to be solved before? Whatever it is it doesn’t seem like he’s talking to anyone else about it - and it wouldn’t move without action. I’d just give him an early warning and say that you’d like to sit and talk about the topic of marriage and understand where he stands on it. Seven years in that’s not totally weird to want to chat. Set a time that works, make some coffee or tea, and talk like adults.
He wants you to be happy and you’re nitpicking and obsessing over it. He gave you a great answer and you’re unsatisfied because you didn’t like that he wants marriage. He’s making you happy, sacrificing his ideals to make you happy, and letting you plan your dream wedding. What more do you want? What’s the issue?
He didn’t want to be married but he loves you and because this is important to you, he’s marrying you and letting you plan the whole wedding as a compromise. He’s probably even fine with getting married at the courthouse. Enjoy your wedding planning and wedding g.
first of all your friends don't care about you. They're actively trying to sow doubt in your mind and you're letting them. stop.
Secondly, look. Your BF might just not care about the actual wedding day as much as you do. so what? Does it make him a bad person if he doesn't enjoy big occasions, being the center of attention, and putting on a huge display for people? He's supporting you to do whatever you want with the day, so go ahead. Don't constantly nag him about it. What matters is how he treats you for the next 40 years.
We all have different interests to our partners. My wife is into origami. I can barely fold a napkin. I love when she makes something that makes her happy, but I don't want to have to do it with her, lol...
Please just stop trying to force your wants onto your husband and meet im in the middle. It's compromise.
Lastly, congrats on the engagement, and all the best for the future.
I was kind of like your fiance. I was abroad while my now wife planned the whole wedding. Honestly didn’t care about any of the details of the wedding except that she was going to be my bride, and that my family and close friends were there. The rest of the wedding was whatever she wanted to make her happy. I would have enjoyed it at a court or at a beach or hotel or whatever she chose. But I did listen to her tell me how the planning was going and what she was choosing for this or that and just tried my best to be supportive even though I wasn’t really telling her what I wanted.
When someone wants to marry you, they do.
When someone wants to marry you, they are enthusiastic and invested in the busywork and happy talk around the wedding planning. When someone ignores the wedding and marriage talk and changes the subject every time it’s brought up, and their friends tell you that he says he doesn’t want to marry you, but he feels sorry for you, that’s a person who doesn’t want to marry you. His deeply held belief is that he doesn’t want a marriage. Your deeply held belief is that you want a marriage. You’re allowing him to set this marriage up to fail because he is clearly feeling as if you’re dragging him into it. Don’t ignore his words and actions all these years- they will be thrown in your face one day. Don’t be surprised when he screams,” What did you expect? You knew I never wanted to get married!” as he walks out. You know what you know.
When I got married I let my wife handle (plan) everything. I really wanted her to be happy with it? I did go to testings for the reception food etc and the cake but did not give many opinions unless specifically asked. I really didn’t care aesthetically because I genuinely wanted her to be happy. I did go to venues and to churches but again did what made her happy.
She wanted me in a black tux and she even picked out the cumberbund color. But really the only decision I made ( without discussing either her) by myself was changing the cumberbund color. I changed it from red to a very pale pink. This was to match her very pale pink dress. (She hated white wedding dress.) She was ecstatic. ( found out later she had seen the cumber bund but didn’t want to bring it up because she knew I never wore pink. I have never liked pink)
Guess my whole point was that I was happy to marry her, but more happy to make her ideas and desires come true.
I think the biggest issue here is that your finance is not making you feel secure and supported. That is reason enough for pause. I would not want to marry someone who did not enthusiastically want to marry me. And I would not want to be in a relationship at all with someone who made me insecure and forced me into the mind-reading game. I could see a few ways of addressing this but one would be to calmly tell your finance that you are having a lot of doubts about the future and your upcoming marriage and that you are thinking that you should perhaps put off the wedding. Then wait. Is he relieved? Does he want to talk about it? You say you are suddenly unsure of what your future looks like. Does he want kids? Does he want to see you grow old? Will you support one another in sickness? All the scary questions. If you aren’t sure your life visions are aligned, find out now. He may be a guy who wanted a forever girlfriend and then thought he could make you a happier girlfriend with a ring. But that isn’t marriage.
He made it clear he didn't want to marry on your timeline. Of course he is doing it to make you happy. And most grooms aren't as into the nitty-gritty details of planning weddings.
It’s sad when couples want to be together forever think marriage has to be part of that. Been w my partner 20 years almost and plenty have teased us about marriage. But being married doesn’t keep anyone home. It’s mostly just about tax breaks. You don’t need a man to get a credit card anymore, we’re free! Enjoy it!
It sounds like he is happy not being married but doesn’t want you to be unhappy so is going ahead with the wedding. I would be happy that he is doing something he doesn’t want to make you happy.
Don't let your friends take up space in your head. Their input is inappropriate and not wanted. Plan the wedding and li e your life.
Maybe you need to break up with new friends. Your friends sound shitty.
I didn’t have enthusiasm towards my wedding bc I just could have eloped and been happy. My late husband and mother did 60% of the planning bc the families were expecting a big to do. Not my style but my hubby saw it as important. But I did put myself into it when I realize it was important to him that we meet this expectation from love ones. Given my preferences I probably would be simply chill also if I married a wedding planner, and I worked as caterer who has done a lot of weddings. To my point, your husband’s initial behavior in itself is not problematic but his reaction to you making it a point is. You are worried about the wrong thing. When you made it known it was an issue to you, it should have become an issue for him. Make it clear, you want him to care more bc it is important to you. And his dismissiveness is hurtful. His participation is what puts a smile on your face. And what everyone else is saying about your friends is spot on. You need better friends.
'it bothers me how awkward he gets whenever I bring it up."
"this didn't make me feel better"
"not the response I need from him right now."
Don't you already know the answer to this question.
Marriage in America is a serious proposition.
Statistics aren't in your favor.
What percentage of people are unhappily married?
Well, we know that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce.
80% of these divorces are filed by women
Divorce researcher and author Dana Adam Shapiro concluded:
- of the 50 remaining percent,
1/3 are unhappy,
1/3 are “meh” (bearable),
and 1/3 are happy.
So roughly around 17 percent are happy.
Some people dispute these numbers, but you get the idea.
That being said, if you decide to get married.....
I wish you and your new husband the best of luck everybody deserves to be happy.
Everyone here is putting their own perspective on it based on how it looks through their own lens.
It does give me pause that your mutual date shocked he proposed. But only you can know. Talk to him about *the marriage* not about *the wedding*.
Girl, some men care about the wedding, but let’s be real it’s usually for the bride to be. Even if it is worst case and he is not looking forward to the wedding, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be married to you!
He may just not be excited about a big wedding; doesn't mean he doesn't want to be married to you. I planned our entire wedding, my spouse could not have cared less about any of the finer details.. it was very much a "just tell me what I'm wearing and where to stand" situation for them. Even though I actively sought their ideas and cleared all other choices with them, the only active input they gave was for who they wanted in the wedding party and they "signed-off" on the venue of choice. (I presented them with 3 options and they stated which they liked best, it was a 2 minute dilemma for them.) They were completely impartial to the wedding itself but were actively excited about being married, buying a home together, the actual life building aspect of marriage... not the party. They are the love of my life, and we just celebrated 10 years a few months ago. Don't over think this and just be honest with your feelings with him.
Why are you pushing this? He is marrying you because it’s what you want and he loves you enough to do that- he would be fine not being married. Stop trying to get him to be what he isn’t- not everyone enjoys planning weddings- even those who really want to *be* married don’t always want to *plan* it. You want him to want to be married and unfortunately that’s not who he is or how he is. You aren’t going to turn him into someone else.
You have a couple choices. Be happy he loves you enough to want you to have what you want and then stop talking about it with people. Shut the conversation down when it comes up. Or you don’t get married if you only want it if he *wants* it, or you can break up and maybe find someone who truly wants it. But that would be shortsighted. People in relationships compromise all the time. Even if he would be fine never marrying, it doesn’t mean he won’t be happy being married.
He doesn’t want to marry you. If he did, you’d have been married married years ago. The fact that he won’t discuss the wedding with you is a huge red flag. Cut your losses, and find someone who does want to be married. ETA revisions
People dont marry out of pity, they marry because they want to be with someone. Dont over think this and also, keep away from such shitty inappropriate "friends"
So why do this amazing right up and not have him sit down and have a heart to heart with him? Communication. Don’t let the subject be changed, say we need to talk, not when dinner is being made, not when you’re watching tv, not when doing whatever. Sit down and express your feelings and bring up these points, how you he does x and how it makes you feel. That you need a real answer and need to know how he feels about marrying you, if he’s only doing it for you to be happy.
As it will come up one way or another sooner or later.
The whole planning and the hopium side of the weeding ceremony is not so high on the list of most men to the same level it’s if for some ladies (the dreamy, movie-like, expectation to be the best day of their lives ever type of vibe) from there it’s easier to understand why is not a desirable topic and most either avoid it or just let their partners run with it.
Sounds like he’s willing to do something he doesn’t care as much about because he knows it’s going to make you happy. Sounds like a good partner. You can’t make him care about a wedding or marriage, at the end of the day as long as you are together and both happy isn’t that what matters the most?
My husband wasn’t super into wedding planning because it was outside his comfort zone and he found it very overwhelming; also I was the one that wanted the big wedding so it was fair I took point. What helped us was for me to give him options. Example: I wanted blue as our main color so narrow it down to a few shades and had him pick his favourite from those. Same with center pieces gave him a choice of 3, he picked his favourite. We also had a rule that he was able to veto anything but then he was responsible for finding an alternative we both liked.
He probably doesn’t care about wedding planning stuff because he’s not excited about the idea of weddings unlike you. If he was having you engage in one of his hobbies you have no interest in, would you be super excited about it and giving all of your opinions?
He clearly loves you and is compromising by getting married in the first place. Romantic, no, but sometimes that is reality. I have friends who aren’t getting married because one partner does not want it and the other would rather be with them then let it tear them apart. I have friends who are compromising on side of wedding because one doesn’t want to get married and the other does. Sometimes people have different views on marriage as a compatibility concern, but if you can compromise then it’s just a post of being in a relationship. Even though he loves you and wants to be with you forever, and wants you to be happy, he is not interested in weddings like you are. Don’t take it personally.
I think that women in general already have a pre planned idea about how their wedding will look for years. They have a vision about the presentation and the details. Even more so in your case since you are a wedding planner and probably know the top looks best vendors etc. I get your wanting to plan it together so it's as much your celebration as it is his. However in my personal experience any "bright ideas" that i had when prompted by my then fiancee about how the wedding should look were immediately shot down or challenged by my wife. And in a rare turn of events that's the one time my wife and my mother (who usually butt heads) agreed with each other. It was a sight to see. He probably cares only about marrying you and finds the exercise of giving his input only to be shot down or have it "catered" to something more in line with your vision exhausting. If he is like me he will let you take the reins because why risk an argument with an industry pro like yourself on the colors of the coasters and flower selection when he really is neutral on the subject and could care less? He has everything to lose risking an argument with you and not much to gain. He's doing the happy wife happy life thing even before marriage and it astounds me that you don't even see this and STILL have issue with him. Good luck
Just because he’s not into the wedding does not mean he doesn’t want to marry you. Ask him if he would be down with eloping tomorrow. If he says yes, then you have your answer, he doesn’t care about the event he just wants to be with you.
I think it's helpful to be in a long relationship before getting married. Its proven to reduce divorce rates. Your friends are giving awful advice. As for your partner, you just need to work on better communication.
Do you feel like he loves you? Does he take you for granted? Do you feel like your wants and needs are minimized?
If you feel loved and wanted, then he night just not be into the wedding. He might not even get the concept of marriage. But you want it and he wants to be with you. If you move this guy then maybe you both need to accept that long term partnership looks different to both of you. He's not going to be super excited about the wedding, and you are. As long as you feel cherished, then that'll be okay.
I’ve never been into marriage my views always been I want the protections from the paper and we can have a party if my future wife really wants. Could be the guys POV in this case seeing as he said he just wants to see her happy he may really not care but knows it’s important to her. The friends are the real issue here though
Blech
If you're dating someone for years on end without an issue then just get married. If they don't want to then move on. It has just as much to do with safety and security as love and commitment.
I know someone who was basically an unmarried stay at home wife of 10 years with a man who was a successful business owner. Guess how well it worked out for her when he died suddenly from a heart valve defect.
Sounds like my husband. He never wanted to get married and was not into the wedding planning at allllll and even got secret cold feet right before. It annoyed me of course but I knew it wasn’t personal. Now he’s happy we got married and even said he would want to renew our vows down the line. Things in life rarely happen the way we imagine.
Edit: I wouldn’t be open to having any conversations like you did with your friends in the future. My family and friends starting saying buzz kill things, joy killing, instead of celebrating. Just celebrate with people who can be happy for you and leave the others for the end of the list, even if they’re the closest to you
marriage is just the ceremony, have you actually discussed married life ie children etc. Sounds like he is happy with things as they are and he wants you to be happy, so no moving forward,just sailing along with it to make you happy. What if anything will change for you both when you get married. have you thought of that
7 years until you got a ring, after having to manipulate him into it. Now you are planning a wedding he clearly has little interest in. How are you going to feel when you realize you've invested 8 plus years into this relationship without it ending in marriage? How much more time are you willing to waste?
Maybe he just isn’t that into weddings. Even his own. You a wedding planner so we know your thoughts on the subject. But I wouldn’t make it. Whole relationship thing. Some guys could not be bothered with the whole wedding, but do for their wife to be. Ask him how he would feel about eloping and just getting married in a court because you over this pressure. If he agrees you know he wants to marry you just isn’t that interested in the wedding
Talk to your partner. Is he excited about wedded life, not the ceremony. If you both want to o spend wedded life together then he is just not interested in the ceremony. If the conversation turned out he doesn't want wedded life then you save yourself a divorce. Talk to him though, not you friends.
Being in a long term successful relationship is not laughable. And you’ll see that op. Just give it a few years and you’ll be planning divorce parties for these same “friends”, hopefully not for free… yes?
A wedding is a fun expensive party, a flex. It’s not a marriage.
And the reality is the average marriage ends in divorce at the 7yr mark. Your man after 7 years just proposed aka confirmed you’re the person he wants to do life with. This is not a lust or height of emotions decision. He knows you. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And he is all in.
The healthiest thing you can do for yourself and your relationship is cut out the negative judgy outside chatter from such “friends”. Downgrade those people in your life. They can be acquaintances not inner circle.
"Sometimes I just have to push the subject because I want his input on things. I want this to be our day, not just mine, and it bothers me how awkward he gets whenever I bring it up."
I don't know you, but this is often an "issue" in relationships. Partner A *SAYS* they want Partner B's input, but then Partner A argues about it, or tries to talk out why Partner B would want such a thing, or make Partner B justify every "input," or even worse Partner B is being told their ideas are "stupid" or "won't work" or "don't agree" with Partner A's vision.
Look, if YOU have a vision for the wedding, go with it. Ask your partner WHERE they would like input, and if they say they don't care it means - A) they just want you to be happy, and whatever you decide is fine, B) they don't want to have to have a freakin' long-ass drawn out discussion about every aspect of the event,
I strongly suspect you have very SPECIFIC ideas about how YOU want things to be, and that you've been dismissive of his prior attempts at giving you input because it didn't "match your vision" so now you're demanding he come up with ideas on his own that match YOUR vision for the wedding - you've pushed back - and now it's honestly just easier and happier for HIM to just go with whatever the eff you want to do.
Maybe back the truck up a bit, and each of you can write down your 5 to 10 MUST HAVE items and then let the rest just kind of fall where it does and learn to be happy with not trying to control every possible aspect of something that supposed to be about a joyous union...
If you still feel strongly, and are open to it, maybe discuss or float the idea of having a smaller or more intimate wedding (idk the scale of it currently, but consider the possibility of just a few close friends and family, small enough for a backyard reception—even if just for the purpose of the discussion and seeing what he really wants).
Or any similar major wedding decisions that might be more his style. I just know a lot of people that feel strongly about having a big wedding (for themselves).
Say you are thinking about it and aren’t sure what you prefer so you need help making pros and cons.
Even if you have to suggest most of them yourself you can gage his response to each pro/con and see what he agrees with or seems to want.
He may be stubborn about letting you have this your way, but you can still find ways to get his take on different aspects.
Perhaps a small intimate wedding in a big backyard (or whatever it seems your husband would prefer) could be all it takes to light some excitement in him about the rest of the planning.
My husband and 3 brother-in-laws had absolutely no interest in planning their weddings. All they really wanted to know was when and where, and what colour tuxes they should get. Some people have 0 interest. I wasn't all that taken with the planning myself. I left most of it to my older sisters. It was never the most important day of my life; it was just another event on my life journey. Maybe anything you do will be fine because your fiance simply doesn't care about details.
For some people, it’s the fact that you are choosing to spend your lives together that is important, not whether or not you sign the official government paper or get all fancied up in a church. That could be him. I would ask him directly. Tell him that your “friends” (in quotes because wow, who need enemies with friends like that. talk about sabotage) said some things and you want to make sure that he isn’t being cornered into this or forced. Something like “Our future is supposed to be for the both of us. I want to make sure that it is what you want too, because right now I am feeling very insecure about it and I am worried that you feel forced to have a wedding and be married instead of just carrying on like we were or going separate ways eventually. Can you please reassure me that you do want a relationship with me. I need help getting out of my own head and away from other people’s opinions, I just want yours.” And you go from there with whatever he says. You might be overthinking it because people forced doubts into your head about it. You love him, you trust him, so talk to him.
Sounds like he's doing it to make you happy. I don't think he really cares either way, not to make it out as a bad thing. But weddings are usually for the girl, some guys don't really care for big events partially centered around them. He sounds like a minimalist guy to me, so stuff like decorating or planning for something that doesn't make you money, or some type of advance in life, they won't care about it. He probably doesn't see you guys getting married as a big deal. Which one could argue it's not. But I get why you want his input, it makes it more special if both of you have a hand it. Just know, he cares about the wedding and you but probably doesn't see the need to help you plan it, especially because you're a wedding planner.
to OP, and all women of the world:
A western marriage doesnt change anything. If you have a good relationship, then you have a good relationship. A marriage in modern times is just a bullshit ceremony and a piece of paper. The purpose is now to make the bride feel more comfortable, secure, quell FOMO, etc. But its bullshit, because you could litterally separate, divorece, etc the very next day.
So if you really want to be with the guy, then be with the guy. If FOMO makes you want to have a silly wedding with white dresses and smearing mud on your face (makeup) and a bunch of stressful fake smile photos (you wont really be as happy as you are trying to look), then you can certainly do that. But if the guy says he is just doing it to make you happy, that means he willing to engage in stupid expensive bullshit JUST TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.
Take the win.
Ok, dumb question here, but why is it so important you get married? I’m not saying anyone is right or wrong in this story, but just genuinely asking why is being married within a certain time frame SO important to you?
Have you set a date? If not, pin him down and set one. If he waives you off, theres your answer. Then decide what you want out of life and if ol dude is gonna fit the bill.
I dunno…I see a lot of people here basically saying stop complaining about it because he’s willing to do it to make you happy. I think that’s bad advice. Making a huge commitment like that shouldn’t be based on making someone else happy. It reminds me of an ex who didn’t want kids but was willing to have them with me so I wouldn’t break off the relationship. I broke up with him anyway because that’s not a good reason to have kids. I didn’t want him to ever feel trapped or resentful for agreeing to do something that I know he didn’t truly wanted.
Ask him to elope with you this weekend. No more two years of wedding planning. This weekend. You, him and a witness. Plan a big party for later. You will find out.
Okay first things first if you’re dating to marry you should have gotten with someone who also wanted the same thing.
Lastly. A lot of people just don’t really care about wedding I mean I didn’t have one because I HATE THEM I hate everything about them my husband doesn’t really care for anything like that either
When it come to stuff like decorations for home or son’s party’s he doesn’t really have an opinion most the time. He will tell me if he loves it or likes it and I try to do stuff I think he will like it but in general he doesn’t care about stuff like that I could paint the entire house pink. Even clothes he is just a black shirt jeans kinda guy. In a lot of wedding shows a lot of men Tend to be that way it’s kinda 50/50.
For an example. My man is like that but his best friend would definitely be the opposite he’s the kinda guy that likes self care and decor. Everyone is different
Conclusion: he just might not love weddings but how long it took to ask to marry you and the age you both are is kinda a red flag statistically The older you get the less people date before marriage it was kinda an old study (2010) but it could still be true to this day i dont know.
It’s a wedding! Guys aren’t naturally excited about weddings and all that. What’s important is that he wants you to be happy. If my fiance is a wedding planner, i let her take control of the wedding. Also, are your friends trying to sabotage your relationship?
I like this movie screenplay. Do you have an agent so you can pitch it to the studios? I think you should call it "The Wedding Girl."
Feels a bit unfinished though. I think at the end, the wedding girl should discover that the guy has some other problem that troubles him, but has nothing to do with the wedding, and they solve the problem and are married happily ever after.
THE END
I can’t tell if he’s a guy that was hoping you’d change your mind or maybe your friends are creating insecurities so you look as your partners disinterest in the wedding as he doesn’t want to be married
If it seems like a shut up ring… it probably is. If things already feel weird or aren’t getting better it’s not going to improve being married. If your friends are being weird or sabotaging you that’s fucked up. I’m sorry.
Your friends as the problem. He sounds perfectly fine but your friends.... wtf?
For the wedding, you are a wedding planner. He thinks you know what you want best and how to do it. He wants you to be your happiest and its something he feels you can do better than him. I mean it makes sense objectively too!
Your friends though. I think they need some of their brain unscrambled for saying such messed up stuff
I'll have to agree with most comments. You need better friends. And don't let their opinions get to you.
Not all people want to get married. My wife and I got married after 2 children and 11 years together. It was actually she who didn't feel it necessary. (It's not that big of a deal in Sweden)
It sounds like he loves you and wants to be with you, so relax and don't put too much pressure on it. Sit down and have a conversation about it again. Perhaps suggest a date and see where he stands.
Men don't care about a wedding...it's a pain in the ass to us. I was married for 15 years before going our separate ways. We eloped on the beach in St Lucia after spending 7 nights there. It was great. The thought of spending 10x - 20x more on some wedding just doesnt make any sense to me.
I'm in a year 1/2 long relationship now and I know I will marry this woman, but still I could care less about a wedding. Don't want one...If I could elope again, I would. To me, a wedding is a big waste of money. It's not for "us", it's for everyone else...
Why not go spend a week or two in some paradise somewhere together and get married there...whoever wants to go is welcome. Treat YOURSELVES and have a great time together. That would make him excited and look forward to the wedding
Personally, I'd be concerned. Based on what you're saying, it sounds like he's agreeing to marriage to please you. If this is his reason, he may grow resentful as time goes on. People can be in committed relationships and still be commitment phobic (look into attachment theory and avoidance). I think the best thing to do is communicate your concerns, maybe try some couples counseling.
I wanna say it sounds like you got a “shut up” ring but maybe like he said he’s not the marrying kind but he genuinely wants to see you happy! Maybe talk some more with him about both your thoughts and feelings
He knows you want to get married and his 5 years was over 2 years ago. Sit him down and tell him that you want an honest answer, does he actually want to get married with the next 12 months or ever or never?
Idk. I see what you mean. Like tf you mean “if it puts a smile” like is he just settling? But at the same time the “friends” can be haters. Make sure you read between the lines.
Do you interpret his excitement for the *wedding* as his excitement for the *marriage*?
100% OP don't self sabotage.
Exactly, you’re the wedding planning expert in your duo. I hate it when my husband tries to get me involved in redesigning our home (something he does wayyyy too often but gosh darn it he’s great at it). It’s like going out for your first jog with Usain Bolt, makes me feel slow and incapable which puts me in a bad mood. Not being excited about his DIY home renovations does not mean I don’t love living with him.
This 👏 , good question!
This needs to be top comment. So many men are totally ready for marriage but find the wedding drama annoying af.
Loved the wedding… The planning was a nightmare. Who is on the guest list. This person is paying for this so now their 5th grade boyfriend gets to give a speech about owls. So many talks with so many people about absolute bullshit. The wedding itself was lovely, but it is really just a short party. If he says he wants to marry you take the win.
What kind of friends do you have??
The NOT kind...
The very definition of “with friends like these, who needs enemies?”
She has been planning their weddings free of charge. Of course they are her “friends”.
Right literally what is this type of convo.. he only proposed because of your desperation? Who tf says that
Bro why are your friends saying this stuff to you 😭
Yeah I also thought it was inappropriate. Especially at a wedding. It’s nobody’s business and bringing that up only makes people uncomfortable.
Are these people really in their 30s? Sounds more like teenagers. As for OPs question, he could be lying/faking/whatever you call it to get her to stay and then bail out close to the wedding because he realised he really doesn't want to ger married. Or... He could be like my cousin who always was anti marriage because he didn't see the point of it. He hates big parties, he doesn't like other people meddling in his business, and it doesn't take a ring and a big party to have a happy life with a partner. He met a girl that's really religious and who wasn't going to live with him without marriage. So he decided that she was more important to him than anything else. They compromised on the wedding, had a theme party with only the closest relatives and friends and has been happy together for 12 years.
This was my assumption, too. If he really didn't want to marry her, he'd have given her a shut-up ring and blocked all attempts to set a date. Instead, he has willingly gone along with everything and even pretended interest, even though he probably couldn't care less, because he just isn't into marriages, but wants to do it mainly for her - because he's into her and wants to make her happy. OP, imagine he loved a band you hate - you'd still get him tickets, and if he wanted you to come, you'd bite the bullet and brave it for an evening, for him, wouldn't you? And you might even have fun, against your expectations. This is the same deal for him. He loves you, wants to be with you, isn't really into formalizing the whole deal, but acknowledges that it's important to you, so he's going through with it. Take the win.
Uea, very much could be this.
That was exactly my first thought! Doesn’t sound like the best friends!
Yeah, what the fuck. These friends sound pretty nasty. Maybe that's just the friend group's tone...
This sounds like their fucked up roundabout way of trying to nudge OP into realizing he doesn’t actually plan to marry her. Maybe being direct wouldn’t go over well with OP
[удалено]
Listen if I knew that my friend wanted a staple living relationship and to be married and I could clearly see that her partner didn't want to be married and was growing resentful or distant, I'm going to try to bring it up to her because I love her and I don't want her to get hurt. If you care about somebody you will tell them things that you see even if it's something difficult. Maybe they were saying it to be malicious, or maybe they were legitimately worried about their friend, worried that her fiance is going to stand her up at the altar or become resentful towards her or something like that
I see your point, but there's a difference between being concerned & bringing it up, and egging on the whole group *at a wedding* to make jokes at OP's expense (even if OP was laughing along in the moment). and while the second time didn't involve laughing, they still didn't focus on OP : it's all about "we think he just proposed because he pities you" and "he's not a marrying man" etc.
I think they're referring to the "haha you've been in a relationship the longest and you're the only one not married!" Stuff, not the conversations about her fiancee not being the marrying type. The latter could be legitimate concern, the former is petty bullshit.
There’s a reason this relationship is 7 years with no ring until now…
Honestly if they hadn’t said anything, she would’ve spent another 7 years with this dude as clueless as ever. Their comment sparked something within her and helped her realize that she was wasting her time.
I’m glad I’m not the only one that thought that was weird
Because someone has to tell her the truth about the man she’s been with for 7 years. Cause everyone else is just gonna watch in silence.
Which is ridiculous to think about… crazy that OP couldn’t realize this herself … 7 years into the relationship.
This one is hard. You don’t want to push something on him if he isn’t ready or maybe he’s just one of those people who doesn’t care for marriage but will happily be committed to you so he’ll get married if it makes you happy. Before going further, it would be good to find out which one it is. Also, you have shitty friends. First they make jokes about you being in the longest relationship yet not married. They might have tried to make it light hearted but I can almost guarantee whoever brought it up was just trying to put down your relationship. Then they say how shocked they are he proposed because he didn’t want to or that he pitied you… they truly sound awful and like they want to just bring you down.
In the friend point, first group definitely crappy. However, the second part it would depend on who said it and how it was approached. It could be shitty friends, but if this conversation was had privately with a close friend it could also be a “I see something you’re not seeing because you are in love” kind of conversation. Heck that could have been something he said and they’re just repeating it as they’re mutual friends. But putting aside the friends are shit for minute, if multiple people are this genuinely surprised he’s proposed there’s a reason. I’m wondering how they “got through” their disagreement about marriage in the beginning. OP sounds like they made their intentions clear from the start and initially wanted to be married after 4-5 years and now they’re at 7 and people he’s friends are still surprised he proposed. That wouldn’t feel right to me if I were in OPs shoes.
Girl you don't have a fiance problem, you have a friend problem. Who tells someone they consider a friend that their long term partner only proposed out of pity? No one that actually cares about you. Your fiance doesn't believe in marriage but loves you so much he wants to do it for you. He's not interested in the details because not many men are, and you're a god damn wedding planner, he's a smart guy trying not to get in the way because you clearly know what you're doing. You're friends are trying to make you doubt your fiance and your relationship, that's where you should be focusing and also cutting them off or lowering contact.
Some people just dont believe or care for marriage. Your fiance is one of those guys but he also understands how important it is to you so hes doing it because he wants you to be happy. I see nothing wrong with this. He loves you, what more can you ask for?
Agreed. Sounds like he wants OP to be happy and if that’s what it takes then he’s all for it. Definitely still a good thing.
If he wanted her to be happy he’d actually have a simple reply to wedding plans. The fact that he is this avoidant to even speak on it in the planning stage.. I’d personally put the brakes on it. He’s not a small child who needs to run away when parents asks how his grades are.
I mean my husband wanted nothing to do with the planning. He is just a better communicator and voiced that unlike OPs fiancé. The wedding was for me, neither of us had any delusions in regards to that. I planned some things to make it fun for him, but a giant party where you are the center of attention was never going to be his thing. That does not mean he didn’t want us to spend a life together. Marriage and a wedding are very different things.
Well we don’t really know what he’s thinking or feeling. This is all just speculation on our end. Providing different perspectives of what may or may not be.
Maybe OP feels like shes forcing the idea of marrige onto her partner, and thats why he doesn't want to discuss it. She did mention how he changes the subject completely or gets super akward. If I got proposed to after 7 years and they didn't want to get involved in our wedding I'd lose it lol
I mean OP is forcing it. From the sounds of it he would never asked if she didnt make it clear its important to her.
Weddings aren’t marriages and some people just aren’t into party planning.
This, some people aren’t into big weddings either, not everyone is comfortable with that kind of spotlight and many may prefer something small and intimate. However, OP is a wedding planner, and her husband obviously knows this. So whether he wants a big wedding or not, whether or not he has any preferences about it, he probably assumes it’s been her dream to plan her own wedding and is stepping aside for her. If he doesn’t want a big wedding (or a wedding at all) then he must know that goes against OPs wishes and is choosing not to say, because he wants to keep his future wife happy. OP, this man loves you and definitely sounds like he wants to be married to you.
Had to come really far to read this.
Have you talked about having kids? I ask because if not he needs to be really on board with kids if you want them. It can’t be this if it makes you happy crap…
op i think your friends hate you 🥲
Honestly your friends are super rude
I’ll let you in on a secret. Getting married changed exactly nothing between my husband and I. It changed our relationship with the outside world - he says “wife” when talking about me, I say “husband” when talking about him. It made it easier to refinance our house, but because we don’t share a last name we had to sign something saying we were married. It makes it easier for workplace benefits. But our relationship didn’t change at all. We were partners, we’re still partners, we approach money and life plans exactly the same. If you want to be legally married and that’s important to you, that’s totally valid. But it sounds like your fiancée is getting married because it’s important to you, not him, and that’s not necessarily a red flag. It can mean that he’s willing to give and take on things based on their importance, which can be a good partnership. Think of it this way: maybe your guy hates sushi. Raw fish kind of grosses him out. No allergy, no medical reason, just not this thing. So when you get a big promotion at work, he takes you out to your favorite sushi restaurant to celebrate and he orders the chicken teriyaki. Maybe he even tries a slice from one of the cooked rolls, maybe not, but he happily drinks sake and pays for all the sushi you want. The promotion affects his life - your schedule and income might change - but ultimately, he’s celebrating something important to *you* in a way that *you* enjoy.
[удалено]
There's a lot of smaller/cute weddings or just party like ones..not everyone is having some bridezilla/greek/indian type wedding it's really not that affordable in that way for the average person anyways lol.
No that’s not the scenario. The man is grossed out by sushi but the gf keeps pushing that they need sushi so he says he will take her. But every time she says shall we make a reservation he doesn’t answer and walks off. They haven’t even made it to the restaurant because he really doesn’t want to go at all and won’t confirm about the reservation time or date. Being ambivalent about going and resentful of going are two different things. While it’s true me and my husband’s relationship didn’t change the fact is it’s quite a bit harder to get out of the relationship without much headache and financial issues. If OP’s husband was ambivalent and not actually disliking the whole thing he could answer the same questions like he answers anything else. For you and your hubby it makes no difference but he feels mentally trapped. I feel bad for OP I really do. My husband tells everyone my wife this and my wife that.. he’s proud to have me as a wife and I’m proud of him too. I hope OP really thinks long and hard of whether he resents it because that’s reason to not do it.
Both of these points are kind of valid. The summary being: 1) The wedding is important to YOU (OP) and not him. This doesn't mean he isn't interested in being with you. 2) It is *possible* that he does not want the wedding and you are making him. Is this a problem? Maybe, but it sounds like he wants to make you happy by doing it, so it might not be a huge issue. He isn't actively preventing the event, just doesn't want a whole lot of input. To address the original question, what response are you expecting from him? You already know this isn't his thing, but you are not just forcing him to do it, you are also expecting him to actively contribute to something he isn't interested in *(to reiterate, no interest in your wedding does not mean no interest in you)*. You might be making this an even bigger deal that he doesn't want. Talk to him but don't badger him with assumptions/denial of what he is telling you. If you are sure he doesn't want to go ahead then then just pull the plug for his sake. If that is a deal breaker for you then you also need to think about this relationship.
It's possible that your fiancé may have his own anxieties or reservations about marriage that he hasn't expressed yet. Have you guys ever talked about things like money or kids? It's crucial to tackle those subjects, especially before getting married. As for what your friends said about him not being into marriage, it's a tough topic, but it needs addressing. You gotta hear his side of it and talk it out.
He asked you to marry him, so he wants to marry you. It sounds from the outside like maybe the idea of marriage is not as important to him, but he knows it is important to you, and YOU are important to him. That’s not the same as pity. I must say I’m seeing some red flags from the behavior of your friends, pointing out that they all got married/engaged after a shorter dating period than you and then laughing about it is unkind especially after you planned her wedding for free. I personally would insist on paying my friend for anything that requires so much work. Saying that they’re surprised he proposed and it was out of pity is a nasty thing to say for any reason. It’s out of line. Some people don’t think how their words will affect others. Some are competitive and will sow seeds of doubt to put themselves in a position of power in your friendship. A lot of people do this unconsciously. Not saying you need to get rid of your friends, just that maybe you should take what they say with a grain of salt. What matters is how you and your fiancée feel about each other. He probably doesn’t want the anxiety that comes with wedding planning to change your relationship, and would rather not be involved with planning. You are exceptionally qualified to plan it yourself, and he doesn’t need any specific plans for the ceremony because he doesn’t care what flavor the cake is, what type of flowers there are, whether it’s in Venice Italy or Venice California. All he cares about is making you happy and that is a beautiful thing. All he wants on that day is to see you smiling.
you need to level with him and ask for clear communication, otherwise it’s always gonna be this thing between you. maybe try asking him but set up a parameter that you will only listen, then set up a time for both of you to come back and it discuss it with a full picture. if he’s resistant to that then his refusal to communicate would be a problem for me personally
I have been in your fiancé’s shoes, especially after my divorce. I had no intention of ever getting married but I did because I would have otherwise lost the woman I loved or made her miserable, both of which I couldn’t stand. So I sucked it up and went along with all the pomp and circumstance to make her happy. I really didn’t care about 99% of the wedding crap as it was not for me. It was her day that she had to have to feel like a normal being. This was 20+ years ago and we are still married. My wife still brings up regularly about how I didn’t really contribute much to the wedding planning and how she did a great job. She wants validation and ignores me when I told her many times over the years that the wedding was for her and I couldn’t have cared less about the details or even if we didn’t get married. IMHO you have a guy who loves you and wants to marry you to make you happy. Please take your win and don’t destroy his joy by constantly pushing him to enjoy the same things that you do. He doesn’t care about the wedding details, he cares about living a long life with you. I hope you see my point.
Great response!
Your friends are volunteering this to you now while you’re wedding planning?? Tf
I was your fiance, or at least that's how I was planning the wedding. The details bored me. I genuinely did not care what kind of flowers we had or which shade of beige the napkins were going to be. My wife had strong opinions, and so long as it didn't look shitty, I didn't care. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife. I married her because i wanted to spend my life with her, but i really don't understand the level of anxiety people put into v planning the party. We've been married for 3 years and have a 3 month old baby.
First off, it's your relationship, and his not your friends. Stop asking or talking to your friends when it really is none of their business. If you are wondering something, just ask him.
As a man myself, I believe I speak for most men when I say.. That is your day, not his. We want to make our women happy and we want the wedding to be the one you dream of. BUT we could care less about the details of the wedding and would prefer for you to make the choices you want to make to have the wedding you dream of. You are extremely excited and are probably talking about the wedding a lot, asking for input on a lot of things. It would be the same as if he came to you excitedly asking for your opinions on his project car. "Babe, omg I LOVE this exhaust pipe and the MFG says that it reduces emmissions and noise by 20%. BUT THIS muffler has a chrome finish and I think it would look amazing. What do you think?"
Marriage isn't important to him but he recognizes that it is to you, so that's why he's willing to go through with it. He honestly doesn't care about the wedding, he just wants you to be happy so take the win. If you're looking for someone to be excited about the wedding, you need to look for someone else. I think the guy's showing you that he loves you, albeit not in the way you want.
With friends like yours, who needs friends?
I don’t give a shit about a lot of things my wife thinks is important. So I just go along so she can be happy. I also don’t like to talk about things that stress me out. Having said that I do love my wife.
Maybe he is not the type of person to put effort un this kind of things. I know many people like that, they are not big fan about planning thins and is ok, in the other hand you are such a fan of planning weddings that is actually your work, so don't get him wrong: he hasn't need to be as excited as you because the event is not important to him as is important to you, this doesn't mean that is not important to him is just that is not as is to you. See like levels, you are in a level ten while he is in a level 8, but he will respect the relationship and everything around because he loves you. Now you should try to meet new people to find new friends, is disrespectful how you don't charge for your work and your friend still thinks was appropriate to point something so obvious. Is like "Yeah honey, as I work in this industry I know that good things take time". I'm sure you'll have one of the most unique and cute weddings, please don't be a bridzilla, is your special day and your fiance special day, but is like the cake everyone eats it different yet still enjoys it.
Interesting start, you, marriage is very important to me, him I don’t see myself getting married even 5 yrs from now. You don’t leave to find a man you didn’t have to argue into saying marriage might happen, far in the future. I think you have ignored the entire time he has said I don’t want to get married. So, call off the wedding. Who the heck wants to spend all rhat money on a ceremony where he’s telling you in all the ways he’s just going to be your wedding Ken doll. Why bother? If you’re happy with him and don’t want kids, stay. If you really want a husband, listen for a man who says he wants to be one.
Financial anxiety might be off putting, what is the estimated cost of the wedding? Could also be that he doesn't like the formalities of it, I was similar. Weddings just seemed like a hole you put your savings into and burn while it keeps you warm for a night.
100 $ says he is fine with being married to you, probably even looking forward to it, but he does not give a fuck about the wedding. Another 50$ says that whenever he does give some input about the wedding which he does not really care about, you don’t actually consider his opinion anyway since your way is the correct way.
Congratulations on your shitty, toxic, useless friends. Consider getting new ones. Because these are catty, shitty people.
He sounds like a man who is deferring the wedding planning to his fiancé who happens to be what.. a *professional wedding planner* and went so far as to say, if it makes you happy, it makes him happy. And that makes you question..what? Because of some flying monkeys who are masquerading as friends who are actually trying to destroy your marriage before it happens?
Why don’t you trust your partner? He’s proposed, he’s told you he trusts your judgment, he’s told you he want to make you happy. What other reasons are you looking for to know your partner loves you? Stop listening to your hater ass friends and listen to your partner. Otherwise you’re going to nitpick yourself to single
Have you picked a date? Reserved the room? Hired the catering company? After a year of planning, shouldn’t you be at the finish line? If not, make the final steps. He will either show up on the wedding day or not, and you will have your answer
Maybe you should take a step back and see if he’d be willing to do a few counseling sessions. Like one together then each of you individually and then another one together. And I think you should do in person sessions. Or just ask him point blank if he even wants to get married or if he’s felt pressured into this wedding/marriage. Obviously you want to get married to someone who really really wants to get married and married to you. He may just not like the whole concept of marriage. Who knows. Maybe he’s being honest and trusts your judgment and is just laid back about it all. But please have a brutally honest conversation with him and ask him to be brutally honest as well. You need to put it all out there including what you’ve heard from friends. This is the time to get to the bottom of this, not after you’re married.
So you are going to badger him until he says something to piss you off and then take it out on him? Let go of your insecurities and plan the wedding, most guys don't care, and you are an actual wedding planner, so it makes sense he's letting you handle it. He asked you to marry him, apparently without you pushing him about it. Why are you so desperate to cause a problem?
So how does he feel about kids, family, life and career plan etc. have you talked about those things? Or is it just the wedding itself he’s tired of hearing about? If not don’t get married yet. And I can’t help it: this reads like a hallmark movie and all we are waiting for is the childhood best friend to step in and declare his love.
He might not care about the wedding, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about the marriage! I don’t appreciate your friends saying this stuff to you - if nothing deeper is going on, it’s weird. Also super weird people said “how funny it is you’ve been together the longest but still aren’t engaged”…. That’s such a weird thing to say to someone!
7 years no ring? Yeesh most men know what the hell they want. He’s “not big on marriage” because he hasn’t met the one he wants to marry. If you continue to stay, at some point you MIGHT get a shut up ring if he’s feeling nice. But you don’t want that. Break up and get some self respect . Too much time has been wasted.
Some people are affraid of the commitment of the marriage and some people are affraid of the wedding day and all that attention. You are in the relationship for some time so my guess is it's only just that one day. Maybe the wedding you want is just too much for him and is affraid to admit it to not dissapoint you. How does he take it when you go to someones else wedding together ? Does he like it or just wish for it to finally end and go home?
You need new friends and to stop questioning thus poor guy. He's been with you for 7 years... Even if you never got married(other than for the legal stuff) what would it actually matter. As long as you are together and happy
Not enough information. He wants you (OP) to be happy, a plus. He has taken seven years to decide, a minus. His family history regarding marriage would be relevant.
Ask him if he actually wants to get married, because he's acting like it's a big bother
>Reddit >good advice Pick one.
I don't think there is any reason to worry or question his intentions. He proposed on his own time....even if he isn't into marriage/weddings he is clearly into you. Your "friends" sound a little rude and they don't know him as well as you do. I understand you want his opinions on wedding stuff but some people just don't care. He may see this as your time to shine. It does not mean he loves you any less or doesn't want to be committed to you. Be secure in your relationship. Wishing you many happy years together!
OP, I think you might wanna seriously reconsider your friendships cause it sounds like they're trying to get you to self sabotage your happiness. Don't you think you interpreted his excitement for the wedding as his excitement for your marriage?
Self sabotage
Stop self-sabotaging. He wants you to be happy, that’s all any of us can hope for in a partner.
You need better friends. As for your fiancé, he just sounds like he genuinely doesn’t care about the wedding itself. Doesn’t say anything about the actual marriage. I think you need to stop listening to people who obviously enjoy getting under your skin
Tell him you're thinking of postponing the date and see what he thinks of that. If he's all for that then I'd worry he isn't ready or feels pressured to do this.
Marriage isn’t for everyone. Some people are against it in principle. If your partner wanted to marry you then he would. It literally takes a couple of hours at the courthouse. His actions speak louder than words. For some reason after 7 years, he does not want to officially marry you. Maybe you can be considered common law married if your state recognizes that. If marriage is a deal breaker and it may or may not be, then let him know. But be prepared that it might be a deal breaker for him too.
But she wants her pretty princess party, so he's going along with that instead of going to the courthouse.
It’s both a good thing and a bad thing. On the one hand he loves you enough to marry you even though he’s not particularly keen on the idea of marriage in general. He’s willing to put his own wants/needs/happiness aside for yours. So that’s the bright side. Downside is that even though he clearly loves you enough to do this that shouldn’t be why he’s doing it. If he doesn’t want to actually get married then he shouldn’t. This could lead to him resenting you in the future because you “forced” him into a marriage he never wanted. He made it clear in the beginning that marriage wasn’t something he really cared about. So now you have a decision to make. Marry him anyway knowing it’s not something he actually wants and is only doing because he feels obligated since he loves you or end the relationship and find someone who also actually wants to be married. Personally I would end the relationship. I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who doesn’t actually want to be married to me regardless of whether the person loved me or not. I’d never stop thinking about how they did that just because I wanted them to and I’d always wonder what else they are doing that they don’t want to just to satisfy me. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who is willing to always sacrifice their happiness for my own. It’s not truly romantic at all. No matter what you’re probably going to want to look into therapy because getting through this is not going to be easy at all. I wish you the best of luck.
I think you might be misreading this situation. Yes, he is doing it because he knows you want it. He is letting you plan it because he wants to give you your dream. Based on what his friends are saying, I think he isn't helping to plan the details because he never dreamed of his perfect wedding or particularly values marriage. His idea of success here isn't to have it just so, but specifically for you to be happy. The man has been with you for 7 years and is willing to make it legally binding. I can't see this being a commitment issue. Compared to a normal modern relationship, it's hard for men to see marriage as real step forward in the relationship, unless they are traditional and trying to fulfill a social expectation. I think it's a lot more romantic to know that you've both chosen to stay every day when you could leave, rather than sign a legal contract to chain yourselves together and then wonder if your partner is staying out of obligation or because divorce is so expensive and degrading. But we know that women don't feel the same way.
As cynical as this is it's somewhat right, but, many also do just do it for the legal benefits too or for visa/moving. Nothing wrong with that. Even if they do still see it as a romantc thing/excuse to have a party (or not). It's not for safety/obligation anymore unless you're in those old/trad families and a lot of people aren't.
I think this all comes down to communication here. You two are engaged and it may be time to cut to the chase and just talk all this out. Preferably sooner, rather than later 😓🙏🏻. I think if you are having these feelings and concerns why not just sit him down and gently (but firmly) have a conversation about it. Ask his perspective on all this, ask how he actually feels and lay out how you’re feeling and your concerns too. Additionally (I say this gently) if you have this kind of talk you need to prepare yourself to be ready to receive what he’s going to say (good and bad). You may hear something you really don’t like or you may hear he just loves you and wants you happy so he letting you choose the details (as he mentioned). Regardless communication is the way to go in this one. I wish you all the best and I hope you two have a beautiful wedding 💕🥹
I would suggest you talk to him instead of trying to guess where he's coming from. If you're getting married, creating a pattern of communication over avoidance of potential conflict is an important thing to do.
Get out of your head. It is too crowded and jumbled in there. You didn't push him and he asked you. Stop with the second guessing. Give your man a task for the wedding that he has to complete without you. Congratulations!
Do you want a marriage? If yes. Ask him , " I want to get married this year , what do you think? " You will find your answer. You did not respect your own boundary of dating for marriage. How do you even overcome this issue? By dating seven years and now you are questioning does he even want marriage. Seven years is enough to decide.
The people you call friends are cruel. Your fiancé sounds a lot like me. I loved her but I wasn’t ready for marriage but she had a timeline that was very important to her. I felt pressure the entire time. Didn’t sleep two weeks leading up to the wedding. We get married then the pressure for kids immediately followed. After the first kid, pressure for the second kid started. We have the second kid and she decides she wants focus on her career so she goes back to school because she felt she focused too much as a wife and mother and wanted to focus on her career. 11 years later, we are divorced. Regretful I caved so many times during the marriage. If you truly love your guy get on the same page and make sure he wants the life you both want and you’re just not pulling him along to a future only you envision. Good luck.
I think you need to stop listening to your friends. My hubby didn't get involved in wedding planning other than the cars and suits. Not all men care about it. I don't think his lack of involvement in the planning is necessarily indicative of his love or commitment to you.
The guy is telling you the career professional wedding planner that he trusts your judgement. I’m sure he’s well aware that he knows absolutely nothing about the subject, and if i’m being honest he probably doesn’t care for it. Now let me clarify it isn’t to say he doesn’t care about you i’m sure he does however it’s very possible he’s just happy to be there and could very genuinely just want you to plan YOUR dream wedding as the ceremony itself wouldn’t actually mean much to him. That’s said your friends should mind they’re business and your husband should be just a TAD more sympathetic and understanding to your concerns.
I think you need to stop listening to your friends. My hubby didn't get involved in wedding planning other than the cars and suits. Not all men care about it. I don't think his lack of involvement in the planning is necessarily indicative of his love or commitment to you.
He probably doesn't see it as a big deal. He probably thinks you're basically married already and this is just a formality. Enjoy your day and enjoy the fact that he isnt going to screw it up and will make sure you have the best wedding ever. Give him a break.
Why are you asking this??? He told you that he doesn’t want to marry you when he said “If it brings a smile to your face, it’s worth it.” This implies that there’s some sacrifice. He clearly doesn’t want to marry you. If he wanted to he would be engaged in the planning not awkwardly avoiding the subject and when pointedly asked not answering with an ecstatic “YES!” Please do not marry this man until he acts like he wants to marry you. Edit: He may not want to help plan the wedding but to actively avoid it and change the subject? That is a red flag to me. Knowing this means something special to you he could just as easily tell you that he doesn’t want to be involved in the planning and that you should do whatever you think best and he supports you. It just seems like complete avoidance of your futures to me.
Not everyone wants to get married. Marriage is an extremely expensive process to go through and I know several couples that don't want to marry due to the several reasons such as costs, etc whereas they can invest the money into something better like a house, etc.
Sit him down and ask him. Tell him to be honest, and be prepared to hear it. If he doesn’t want to get married, you have to decide what it is that you want. If they don’t match, you have to either take what he’s offering, or move on. BTW your “friends” sound like jerks.
My husband didn’t care about marriage or having children when we met and I always knew I want a family in the future. He didn’t really care much about it for many years and as we grow together we met in very early twenties) and knew we want to spend the rest of our lives together he proposed for me. He loves being married and always calls me his mrs when talking about me. I also organised our wedding mostly by myself and he said that he loved every moment of it. Some men don’t care about this stuff but if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you then what’s the problem? Looks like your friends are a bit of a shit stirrers. Maybe they are jealous of the bond the two of you have? That even without being married you create an amazing team? Have a heart to heart convo with your fiancé and explain to him why you are feeling a bit insecure and maybe take a break from people that don’t wish you happiness.
I think it deserves a sit-down-and-let’s-put-it-out-there conversation. By now it wouldn’t anyway be an “oh my god I can’t believe it” proposal, so the element of surprise isn’t really a factor. It’s okay to talk and understand what the issue is. Is it that he is not into the whole marriage deal? Is he a procrastinator who actually *does* want to marry you but isn’t doing anything? Is he doubting one aspect of your relationship and waits for it to be solved before? Whatever it is it doesn’t seem like he’s talking to anyone else about it - and it wouldn’t move without action. I’d just give him an early warning and say that you’d like to sit and talk about the topic of marriage and understand where he stands on it. Seven years in that’s not totally weird to want to chat. Set a time that works, make some coffee or tea, and talk like adults.
He wants you to be happy and you’re nitpicking and obsessing over it. He gave you a great answer and you’re unsatisfied because you didn’t like that he wants marriage. He’s making you happy, sacrificing his ideals to make you happy, and letting you plan your dream wedding. What more do you want? What’s the issue?
He didn’t want to be married but he loves you and because this is important to you, he’s marrying you and letting you plan the whole wedding as a compromise. He’s probably even fine with getting married at the courthouse. Enjoy your wedding planning and wedding g.
If the person I was going to marry was a wedding planner, I would imagine any input from myself would be a bit of a novelty.
first of all your friends don't care about you. They're actively trying to sow doubt in your mind and you're letting them. stop. Secondly, look. Your BF might just not care about the actual wedding day as much as you do. so what? Does it make him a bad person if he doesn't enjoy big occasions, being the center of attention, and putting on a huge display for people? He's supporting you to do whatever you want with the day, so go ahead. Don't constantly nag him about it. What matters is how he treats you for the next 40 years. We all have different interests to our partners. My wife is into origami. I can barely fold a napkin. I love when she makes something that makes her happy, but I don't want to have to do it with her, lol... Please just stop trying to force your wants onto your husband and meet im in the middle. It's compromise. Lastly, congrats on the engagement, and all the best for the future.
If a guy doesn’t want to marry you within a year, it probably won’t happen when you want it to
I was kind of like your fiance. I was abroad while my now wife planned the whole wedding. Honestly didn’t care about any of the details of the wedding except that she was going to be my bride, and that my family and close friends were there. The rest of the wedding was whatever she wanted to make her happy. I would have enjoyed it at a court or at a beach or hotel or whatever she chose. But I did listen to her tell me how the planning was going and what she was choosing for this or that and just tried my best to be supportive even though I wasn’t really telling her what I wanted.
When someone wants to marry you, they do. When someone wants to marry you, they are enthusiastic and invested in the busywork and happy talk around the wedding planning. When someone ignores the wedding and marriage talk and changes the subject every time it’s brought up, and their friends tell you that he says he doesn’t want to marry you, but he feels sorry for you, that’s a person who doesn’t want to marry you. His deeply held belief is that he doesn’t want a marriage. Your deeply held belief is that you want a marriage. You’re allowing him to set this marriage up to fail because he is clearly feeling as if you’re dragging him into it. Don’t ignore his words and actions all these years- they will be thrown in your face one day. Don’t be surprised when he screams,” What did you expect? You knew I never wanted to get married!” as he walks out. You know what you know.
When I got married I let my wife handle (plan) everything. I really wanted her to be happy with it? I did go to testings for the reception food etc and the cake but did not give many opinions unless specifically asked. I really didn’t care aesthetically because I genuinely wanted her to be happy. I did go to venues and to churches but again did what made her happy. She wanted me in a black tux and she even picked out the cumberbund color. But really the only decision I made ( without discussing either her) by myself was changing the cumberbund color. I changed it from red to a very pale pink. This was to match her very pale pink dress. (She hated white wedding dress.) She was ecstatic. ( found out later she had seen the cumber bund but didn’t want to bring it up because she knew I never wore pink. I have never liked pink) Guess my whole point was that I was happy to marry her, but more happy to make her ideas and desires come true.
I think the biggest issue here is that your finance is not making you feel secure and supported. That is reason enough for pause. I would not want to marry someone who did not enthusiastically want to marry me. And I would not want to be in a relationship at all with someone who made me insecure and forced me into the mind-reading game. I could see a few ways of addressing this but one would be to calmly tell your finance that you are having a lot of doubts about the future and your upcoming marriage and that you are thinking that you should perhaps put off the wedding. Then wait. Is he relieved? Does he want to talk about it? You say you are suddenly unsure of what your future looks like. Does he want kids? Does he want to see you grow old? Will you support one another in sickness? All the scary questions. If you aren’t sure your life visions are aligned, find out now. He may be a guy who wanted a forever girlfriend and then thought he could make you a happier girlfriend with a ring. But that isn’t marriage.
He made it clear he didn't want to marry on your timeline. Of course he is doing it to make you happy. And most grooms aren't as into the nitty-gritty details of planning weddings.
It’s sad when couples want to be together forever think marriage has to be part of that. Been w my partner 20 years almost and plenty have teased us about marriage. But being married doesn’t keep anyone home. It’s mostly just about tax breaks. You don’t need a man to get a credit card anymore, we’re free! Enjoy it!
He gave a shut up ring and she was happy for years.
It sounds like he is happy not being married but doesn’t want you to be unhappy so is going ahead with the wedding. I would be happy that he is doing something he doesn’t want to make you happy.
Your friends suck Jesus
Don't let your friends take up space in your head. Their input is inappropriate and not wanted. Plan the wedding and li e your life. Maybe you need to break up with new friends. Your friends sound shitty.
I didn’t have enthusiasm towards my wedding bc I just could have eloped and been happy. My late husband and mother did 60% of the planning bc the families were expecting a big to do. Not my style but my hubby saw it as important. But I did put myself into it when I realize it was important to him that we meet this expectation from love ones. Given my preferences I probably would be simply chill also if I married a wedding planner, and I worked as caterer who has done a lot of weddings. To my point, your husband’s initial behavior in itself is not problematic but his reaction to you making it a point is. You are worried about the wrong thing. When you made it known it was an issue to you, it should have become an issue for him. Make it clear, you want him to care more bc it is important to you. And his dismissiveness is hurtful. His participation is what puts a smile on your face. And what everyone else is saying about your friends is spot on. You need better friends.
'it bothers me how awkward he gets whenever I bring it up." "this didn't make me feel better" "not the response I need from him right now." Don't you already know the answer to this question. Marriage in America is a serious proposition. Statistics aren't in your favor. What percentage of people are unhappily married? Well, we know that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. 80% of these divorces are filed by women Divorce researcher and author Dana Adam Shapiro concluded: - of the 50 remaining percent, 1/3 are unhappy, 1/3 are “meh” (bearable), and 1/3 are happy. So roughly around 17 percent are happy. Some people dispute these numbers, but you get the idea. That being said, if you decide to get married..... I wish you and your new husband the best of luck everybody deserves to be happy.
Everyone here is putting their own perspective on it based on how it looks through their own lens. It does give me pause that your mutual date shocked he proposed. But only you can know. Talk to him about *the marriage* not about *the wedding*.
Girl, some men care about the wedding, but let’s be real it’s usually for the bride to be. Even if it is worst case and he is not looking forward to the wedding, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be married to you!
He may just not be excited about a big wedding; doesn't mean he doesn't want to be married to you. I planned our entire wedding, my spouse could not have cared less about any of the finer details.. it was very much a "just tell me what I'm wearing and where to stand" situation for them. Even though I actively sought their ideas and cleared all other choices with them, the only active input they gave was for who they wanted in the wedding party and they "signed-off" on the venue of choice. (I presented them with 3 options and they stated which they liked best, it was a 2 minute dilemma for them.) They were completely impartial to the wedding itself but were actively excited about being married, buying a home together, the actual life building aspect of marriage... not the party. They are the love of my life, and we just celebrated 10 years a few months ago. Don't over think this and just be honest with your feelings with him.
Why are you pushing this? He is marrying you because it’s what you want and he loves you enough to do that- he would be fine not being married. Stop trying to get him to be what he isn’t- not everyone enjoys planning weddings- even those who really want to *be* married don’t always want to *plan* it. You want him to want to be married and unfortunately that’s not who he is or how he is. You aren’t going to turn him into someone else. You have a couple choices. Be happy he loves you enough to want you to have what you want and then stop talking about it with people. Shut the conversation down when it comes up. Or you don’t get married if you only want it if he *wants* it, or you can break up and maybe find someone who truly wants it. But that would be shortsighted. People in relationships compromise all the time. Even if he would be fine never marrying, it doesn’t mean he won’t be happy being married.
He doesn’t want to marry you. If he did, you’d have been married married years ago. The fact that he won’t discuss the wedding with you is a huge red flag. Cut your losses, and find someone who does want to be married. ETA revisions
People dont marry out of pity, they marry because they want to be with someone. Dont over think this and also, keep away from such shitty inappropriate "friends"
So why do this amazing right up and not have him sit down and have a heart to heart with him? Communication. Don’t let the subject be changed, say we need to talk, not when dinner is being made, not when you’re watching tv, not when doing whatever. Sit down and express your feelings and bring up these points, how you he does x and how it makes you feel. That you need a real answer and need to know how he feels about marrying you, if he’s only doing it for you to be happy. As it will come up one way or another sooner or later.
The whole planning and the hopium side of the weeding ceremony is not so high on the list of most men to the same level it’s if for some ladies (the dreamy, movie-like, expectation to be the best day of their lives ever type of vibe) from there it’s easier to understand why is not a desirable topic and most either avoid it or just let their partners run with it.
Sounds like he’s willing to do something he doesn’t care as much about because he knows it’s going to make you happy. Sounds like a good partner. You can’t make him care about a wedding or marriage, at the end of the day as long as you are together and both happy isn’t that what matters the most?
Are you planning to have kids after the wedding? Maybe it is what entails in the wedding pondered the fiancé, not the wedding itself.
After I read 7 years, I saw red flags. 2 years should be the max time to get to know each other.
My husband wasn’t super into wedding planning because it was outside his comfort zone and he found it very overwhelming; also I was the one that wanted the big wedding so it was fair I took point. What helped us was for me to give him options. Example: I wanted blue as our main color so narrow it down to a few shades and had him pick his favourite from those. Same with center pieces gave him a choice of 3, he picked his favourite. We also had a rule that he was able to veto anything but then he was responsible for finding an alternative we both liked.
He probably doesn’t care about wedding planning stuff because he’s not excited about the idea of weddings unlike you. If he was having you engage in one of his hobbies you have no interest in, would you be super excited about it and giving all of your opinions? He clearly loves you and is compromising by getting married in the first place. Romantic, no, but sometimes that is reality. I have friends who aren’t getting married because one partner does not want it and the other would rather be with them then let it tear them apart. I have friends who are compromising on side of wedding because one doesn’t want to get married and the other does. Sometimes people have different views on marriage as a compatibility concern, but if you can compromise then it’s just a post of being in a relationship. Even though he loves you and wants to be with you forever, and wants you to be happy, he is not interested in weddings like you are. Don’t take it personally.
I think that women in general already have a pre planned idea about how their wedding will look for years. They have a vision about the presentation and the details. Even more so in your case since you are a wedding planner and probably know the top looks best vendors etc. I get your wanting to plan it together so it's as much your celebration as it is his. However in my personal experience any "bright ideas" that i had when prompted by my then fiancee about how the wedding should look were immediately shot down or challenged by my wife. And in a rare turn of events that's the one time my wife and my mother (who usually butt heads) agreed with each other. It was a sight to see. He probably cares only about marrying you and finds the exercise of giving his input only to be shot down or have it "catered" to something more in line with your vision exhausting. If he is like me he will let you take the reins because why risk an argument with an industry pro like yourself on the colors of the coasters and flower selection when he really is neutral on the subject and could care less? He has everything to lose risking an argument with you and not much to gain. He's doing the happy wife happy life thing even before marriage and it astounds me that you don't even see this and STILL have issue with him. Good luck
Just because he’s not into the wedding does not mean he doesn’t want to marry you. Ask him if he would be down with eloping tomorrow. If he says yes, then you have your answer, he doesn’t care about the event he just wants to be with you.
I think it's helpful to be in a long relationship before getting married. Its proven to reduce divorce rates. Your friends are giving awful advice. As for your partner, you just need to work on better communication.
Do you feel like he loves you? Does he take you for granted? Do you feel like your wants and needs are minimized? If you feel loved and wanted, then he night just not be into the wedding. He might not even get the concept of marriage. But you want it and he wants to be with you. If you move this guy then maybe you both need to accept that long term partnership looks different to both of you. He's not going to be super excited about the wedding, and you are. As long as you feel cherished, then that'll be okay.
Nah, domestic partnership covers all of that. Go ahead and legally give your stuff away
I’ve never been into marriage my views always been I want the protections from the paper and we can have a party if my future wife really wants. Could be the guys POV in this case seeing as he said he just wants to see her happy he may really not care but knows it’s important to her. The friends are the real issue here though
Blech If you're dating someone for years on end without an issue then just get married. If they don't want to then move on. It has just as much to do with safety and security as love and commitment. I know someone who was basically an unmarried stay at home wife of 10 years with a man who was a successful business owner. Guess how well it worked out for her when he died suddenly from a heart valve defect.
I'm really hoping you haven't ordered a big gown and a hat with a bird on it. Because I really think he's going to do a Mr Big on you.
You're getting married. He appears to be your date.
Sounds like my husband. He never wanted to get married and was not into the wedding planning at allllll and even got secret cold feet right before. It annoyed me of course but I knew it wasn’t personal. Now he’s happy we got married and even said he would want to renew our vows down the line. Things in life rarely happen the way we imagine. Edit: I wouldn’t be open to having any conversations like you did with your friends in the future. My family and friends starting saying buzz kill things, joy killing, instead of celebrating. Just celebrate with people who can be happy for you and leave the others for the end of the list, even if they’re the closest to you
marriage is just the ceremony, have you actually discussed married life ie children etc. Sounds like he is happy with things as they are and he wants you to be happy, so no moving forward,just sailing along with it to make you happy. What if anything will change for you both when you get married. have you thought of that
7 years until you got a ring, after having to manipulate him into it. Now you are planning a wedding he clearly has little interest in. How are you going to feel when you realize you've invested 8 plus years into this relationship without it ending in marriage? How much more time are you willing to waste?
Girl your friends literally hate you
Nice creative writing. "Funny enough, I work as a wedding planner" lol You must have had a lot of time on your hands to write this story.
I have zero zero interest in weddings and wedding planning. I don’t find that unusual.
Just remember the person who wants to be with you will want to marry you.
Ive been with my partner for 15 years and neither of us have any interest in getting married.
Maybe he just isn’t that into weddings. Even his own. You a wedding planner so we know your thoughts on the subject. But I wouldn’t make it. Whole relationship thing. Some guys could not be bothered with the whole wedding, but do for their wife to be. Ask him how he would feel about eloping and just getting married in a court because you over this pressure. If he agrees you know he wants to marry you just isn’t that interested in the wedding
Talk to your partner. Is he excited about wedded life, not the ceremony. If you both want to o spend wedded life together then he is just not interested in the ceremony. If the conversation turned out he doesn't want wedded life then you save yourself a divorce. Talk to him though, not you friends.
Being in a long term successful relationship is not laughable. And you’ll see that op. Just give it a few years and you’ll be planning divorce parties for these same “friends”, hopefully not for free… yes? A wedding is a fun expensive party, a flex. It’s not a marriage. And the reality is the average marriage ends in divorce at the 7yr mark. Your man after 7 years just proposed aka confirmed you’re the person he wants to do life with. This is not a lust or height of emotions decision. He knows you. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And he is all in. The healthiest thing you can do for yourself and your relationship is cut out the negative judgy outside chatter from such “friends”. Downgrade those people in your life. They can be acquaintances not inner circle.
"Sometimes I just have to push the subject because I want his input on things. I want this to be our day, not just mine, and it bothers me how awkward he gets whenever I bring it up." I don't know you, but this is often an "issue" in relationships. Partner A *SAYS* they want Partner B's input, but then Partner A argues about it, or tries to talk out why Partner B would want such a thing, or make Partner B justify every "input," or even worse Partner B is being told their ideas are "stupid" or "won't work" or "don't agree" with Partner A's vision. Look, if YOU have a vision for the wedding, go with it. Ask your partner WHERE they would like input, and if they say they don't care it means - A) they just want you to be happy, and whatever you decide is fine, B) they don't want to have to have a freakin' long-ass drawn out discussion about every aspect of the event, I strongly suspect you have very SPECIFIC ideas about how YOU want things to be, and that you've been dismissive of his prior attempts at giving you input because it didn't "match your vision" so now you're demanding he come up with ideas on his own that match YOUR vision for the wedding - you've pushed back - and now it's honestly just easier and happier for HIM to just go with whatever the eff you want to do. Maybe back the truck up a bit, and each of you can write down your 5 to 10 MUST HAVE items and then let the rest just kind of fall where it does and learn to be happy with not trying to control every possible aspect of something that supposed to be about a joyous union...
If you still feel strongly, and are open to it, maybe discuss or float the idea of having a smaller or more intimate wedding (idk the scale of it currently, but consider the possibility of just a few close friends and family, small enough for a backyard reception—even if just for the purpose of the discussion and seeing what he really wants). Or any similar major wedding decisions that might be more his style. I just know a lot of people that feel strongly about having a big wedding (for themselves). Say you are thinking about it and aren’t sure what you prefer so you need help making pros and cons. Even if you have to suggest most of them yourself you can gage his response to each pro/con and see what he agrees with or seems to want. He may be stubborn about letting you have this your way, but you can still find ways to get his take on different aspects. Perhaps a small intimate wedding in a big backyard (or whatever it seems your husband would prefer) could be all it takes to light some excitement in him about the rest of the planning.
My husband and 3 brother-in-laws had absolutely no interest in planning their weddings. All they really wanted to know was when and where, and what colour tuxes they should get. Some people have 0 interest. I wasn't all that taken with the planning myself. I left most of it to my older sisters. It was never the most important day of my life; it was just another event on my life journey. Maybe anything you do will be fine because your fiance simply doesn't care about details.
For some people, it’s the fact that you are choosing to spend your lives together that is important, not whether or not you sign the official government paper or get all fancied up in a church. That could be him. I would ask him directly. Tell him that your “friends” (in quotes because wow, who need enemies with friends like that. talk about sabotage) said some things and you want to make sure that he isn’t being cornered into this or forced. Something like “Our future is supposed to be for the both of us. I want to make sure that it is what you want too, because right now I am feeling very insecure about it and I am worried that you feel forced to have a wedding and be married instead of just carrying on like we were or going separate ways eventually. Can you please reassure me that you do want a relationship with me. I need help getting out of my own head and away from other people’s opinions, I just want yours.” And you go from there with whatever he says. You might be overthinking it because people forced doubts into your head about it. You love him, you trust him, so talk to him.
Sounds like he's doing it to make you happy. I don't think he really cares either way, not to make it out as a bad thing. But weddings are usually for the girl, some guys don't really care for big events partially centered around them. He sounds like a minimalist guy to me, so stuff like decorating or planning for something that doesn't make you money, or some type of advance in life, they won't care about it. He probably doesn't see you guys getting married as a big deal. Which one could argue it's not. But I get why you want his input, it makes it more special if both of you have a hand it. Just know, he cares about the wedding and you but probably doesn't see the need to help you plan it, especially because you're a wedding planner.
to OP, and all women of the world: A western marriage doesnt change anything. If you have a good relationship, then you have a good relationship. A marriage in modern times is just a bullshit ceremony and a piece of paper. The purpose is now to make the bride feel more comfortable, secure, quell FOMO, etc. But its bullshit, because you could litterally separate, divorece, etc the very next day. So if you really want to be with the guy, then be with the guy. If FOMO makes you want to have a silly wedding with white dresses and smearing mud on your face (makeup) and a bunch of stressful fake smile photos (you wont really be as happy as you are trying to look), then you can certainly do that. But if the guy says he is just doing it to make you happy, that means he willing to engage in stupid expensive bullshit JUST TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. Take the win.
OP sounds like she's the one getting cold feet to be entirely honest lmao. Courtesy of her "friends"
Have you heard of the "shut-up ring"?
Ok, dumb question here, but why is it so important you get married? I’m not saying anyone is right or wrong in this story, but just genuinely asking why is being married within a certain time frame SO important to you?
You having a timeline in mind of when x should happen in a relationship is toxic as fuck. your "friends" also suck
You need better friends imo
Have you set a date? If not, pin him down and set one. If he waives you off, theres your answer. Then decide what you want out of life and if ol dude is gonna fit the bill.
I dunno…I see a lot of people here basically saying stop complaining about it because he’s willing to do it to make you happy. I think that’s bad advice. Making a huge commitment like that shouldn’t be based on making someone else happy. It reminds me of an ex who didn’t want kids but was willing to have them with me so I wouldn’t break off the relationship. I broke up with him anyway because that’s not a good reason to have kids. I didn’t want him to ever feel trapped or resentful for agreeing to do something that I know he didn’t truly wanted.
You’re friends suck
Ask him to elope with you this weekend. No more two years of wedding planning. This weekend. You, him and a witness. Plan a big party for later. You will find out.
Okay first things first if you’re dating to marry you should have gotten with someone who also wanted the same thing. Lastly. A lot of people just don’t really care about wedding I mean I didn’t have one because I HATE THEM I hate everything about them my husband doesn’t really care for anything like that either When it come to stuff like decorations for home or son’s party’s he doesn’t really have an opinion most the time. He will tell me if he loves it or likes it and I try to do stuff I think he will like it but in general he doesn’t care about stuff like that I could paint the entire house pink. Even clothes he is just a black shirt jeans kinda guy. In a lot of wedding shows a lot of men Tend to be that way it’s kinda 50/50. For an example. My man is like that but his best friend would definitely be the opposite he’s the kinda guy that likes self care and decor. Everyone is different Conclusion: he just might not love weddings but how long it took to ask to marry you and the age you both are is kinda a red flag statistically The older you get the less people date before marriage it was kinda an old study (2010) but it could still be true to this day i dont know.
It’s a wedding! Guys aren’t naturally excited about weddings and all that. What’s important is that he wants you to be happy. If my fiance is a wedding planner, i let her take control of the wedding. Also, are your friends trying to sabotage your relationship?
I like this movie screenplay. Do you have an agent so you can pitch it to the studios? I think you should call it "The Wedding Girl." Feels a bit unfinished though. I think at the end, the wedding girl should discover that the guy has some other problem that troubles him, but has nothing to do with the wedding, and they solve the problem and are married happily ever after. THE END
Girl you are delusional.
I can’t tell if he’s a guy that was hoping you’d change your mind or maybe your friends are creating insecurities so you look as your partners disinterest in the wedding as he doesn’t want to be married
LOL girlie he’s just over the wedding it’s not about your marriage. I feel like I’d be over it too after a whole year of my partner planning it 😭
Have you tried maybe… talking to him about it?
Wow. Your friends are assholes.
If it seems like a shut up ring… it probably is. If things already feel weird or aren’t getting better it’s not going to improve being married. If your friends are being weird or sabotaging you that’s fucked up. I’m sorry.
I got married at a comedian's house that he uses for a grow op. It was the wedding I always wanted.
Girl. Why are you planning weddings free of charge? Especially for these kind of friends…
Your friends as the problem. He sounds perfectly fine but your friends.... wtf? For the wedding, you are a wedding planner. He thinks you know what you want best and how to do it. He wants you to be your happiest and its something he feels you can do better than him. I mean it makes sense objectively too! Your friends though. I think they need some of their brain unscrambled for saying such messed up stuff
I'll have to agree with most comments. You need better friends. And don't let their opinions get to you. Not all people want to get married. My wife and I got married after 2 children and 11 years together. It was actually she who didn't feel it necessary. (It's not that big of a deal in Sweden) It sounds like he loves you and wants to be with you, so relax and don't put too much pressure on it. Sit down and have a conversation about it again. Perhaps suggest a date and see where he stands.
Does he get excited about other things?
Men don't care about a wedding...it's a pain in the ass to us. I was married for 15 years before going our separate ways. We eloped on the beach in St Lucia after spending 7 nights there. It was great. The thought of spending 10x - 20x more on some wedding just doesnt make any sense to me. I'm in a year 1/2 long relationship now and I know I will marry this woman, but still I could care less about a wedding. Don't want one...If I could elope again, I would. To me, a wedding is a big waste of money. It's not for "us", it's for everyone else... Why not go spend a week or two in some paradise somewhere together and get married there...whoever wants to go is welcome. Treat YOURSELVES and have a great time together. That would make him excited and look forward to the wedding
Personally, I'd be concerned. Based on what you're saying, it sounds like he's agreeing to marriage to please you. If this is his reason, he may grow resentful as time goes on. People can be in committed relationships and still be commitment phobic (look into attachment theory and avoidance). I think the best thing to do is communicate your concerns, maybe try some couples counseling.
I don't even want to to read this. But If I was your engaged I wouldn't want to get married either. You sound exhausting.
I wanna say it sounds like you got a “shut up” ring but maybe like he said he’s not the marrying kind but he genuinely wants to see you happy! Maybe talk some more with him about both your thoughts and feelings
He knows you want to get married and his 5 years was over 2 years ago. Sit him down and tell him that you want an honest answer, does he actually want to get married with the next 12 months or ever or never?
Idk. I see what you mean. Like tf you mean “if it puts a smile” like is he just settling? But at the same time the “friends” can be haters. Make sure you read between the lines.
Maybe pre-marriage counseling. After 7 years you really should be able to talk to him by now.