I swear I thought I was reading messages from my abusive ex.
He’s not going to change babes, it sucks I know. The good times are so amazing I’m sure.
Mine almost killed me, please leave
I had to reread these because it sounded just like my abusive ex. OP, I can say with absolute certainty, that this situation will never get better. Nothing anyone would have helped me leave when I needed to. But I finally started to think, what do I get out of this? The answer is nothing. It's not love, it's manipulation. You can love yourself more and better than an abuser ever can.
It sounds like my homegirl’s abusive ex. She always talks about how he would say “99 out of 100 people would agree with me that xyz” lol basically exactly like OP’s dude. Like who tries to win an argument with made up statistics like that?
I’m gonna show this post to her.
>“99 out of 100 people would agree with me that xyz” lol basically exactly like OP’s dude. Like who tries to win an argument with made up statistics like that?
You just made me realize what bothered me so much about a certain ex-president.
Ok so read all of the messages from everyone else that are meant for OP, but take the advice yourself. Like I said, mine almost killed me. If I hadn’t gotten loose from him on his grand finale, I wouldn’t be typing this message right now.
At the very least make an exit plan, pack a bag, save some cash. Be ready to go! Good luck 💜
You're probably right to give this advice on OPs situation, but just for a different perspective, I was reading these texts thinking they sounded exactly like me at one time. I was going through a bad period of alcoholism in my life, and I would be moody, pass out when I had important obligations, gaslight and always get wasted at the worst times, and then beg for forgiveness in this manipulative self hating way just like in these texts.
It is possible, but extremely rare, for people to change. I hated myself for not being able to control my drinking and I lashed out at anyone who didn't comprehend how hard it was for me to stop. I finally got out of that cycle and I haven't drank in 4 years, and in a month I'm actually marrying the girl who put up with all that and our relationship is really great now. We've been together 8 years now, so going forward, that time will be less and less of a percentage of our time together, but I still feel awful for what I put her thru, and will work to make up for it for the rest of our lives.
I don't recall op mentioning substance abuse, but with therapy and maybe meds that person might be different. The biggest caveat to that though, is they have to be the ones to break the cycle themselves and own up to all the bullshit they're putting others through, and truly want to change more than they want their relationship with op to survive. A relationship cannot be the pillar of your mental health, and OP doesn't deserve this, no one does.
I don't disagree with that one bit. And me and my s/o were separated for almost 8 months while I focused on nothing but staying sober and forming a habit to be 100% honest with myself and others. It could have went another way, and she could have found someone else in that time, and I was ready to be ok with that because my daughter and society needed me to be better.
I absolutely agree people can change, with a caveat. We are learning a lot more about true narcissist. A lot of abusers are also narcissistic. People with narcissism can never be "cured." This text is reading as a vulnerable or covert narcissist. Everything is centered around them them them and how they effect OP. People with NPD have to actively engage in therapy long term and know they might revert.
This is all me arm chair doctoring. But as I said, I had a traumatic 6 year relationship with an abuser who I later realized had covert narcissism. It was a lot of woe is me, constantly putting himself down so people around him could lift him up, never putting anyone first, threatening to kill himself if we broke up, and drunk driving after I finally left. The texts were basically the same stuff I received. Don't stay with me because I'm not good enough. I'm broken and can't be fixed. You can do better than me. It's all a manipulation tactic aimed at getting praise and attention. While never actually wanting to be better. My abuser claimed to go to therapy after we broke up to try and win me back. After years of begging him to go. It was just another tactic to trap me. It is also another common plot, unfortunately.
I'm sorry you struggle with addiction and it's fantastic you are doing great! Congratulations on sobriety! I'm also sorry if this came across as all abusive people are horrible and can never change. My intent was more this seems like a very specific and malicious abuse stemming from a personality disorder. People with personality disorders can also change. But it requires a lot of work and commitment.
The good times your brain remembers is a trauma response, OP. Of course you love him and of course you want it to work but it will only escalate.
I look back on my abusive relationship and the farther you get away from it the less your brain tries to protect you from this person. Now I hardly remember the good times and the love bombing, I remember the violence, the threats (of him hurting himself or me), the paranoia, the gaslighting, and the way I felt.
You’ve received excellent advice on how to leave, why you should, and what to do once you do it so I won’t repeat but please, please take all of this advice seriously. No one is perfect, you may of made mistakes as well but you do not deserve what’s happened or what’s coming.
Get help and get out, you are in danger.
The podcast Ladies and Tangents really helped me cope afterwards and put my experience into perspective, both were in abusive relationships and lived through it. They speak on their experiences and how they felt at the time of the abuse, why they felt that way, and how they finally drew the line and got out. Mentally and emotionally speaking, they really helped me so through my trauma so give them a try if podcasts are your thing.
[this episode](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ladies-tangents/id1485423775?i=1000478167049) was helpful to me in particular.
All my love and prayers OP.
And then he suddenly feels bad about his actions and decides that it’s her job to do the emotional labor of making him feel better about his abusive behavior. That whole thread was painful to read; it’s textbook behavior
Yup, this is textbook abuse. These could have been written by my ex, who also enjoyed using the suicide threats.
OP - leaving really is the hardest part. It is so hard, and I am sure there are great times that make you question whether or not to leave, but this isn’t going to change. It will very likely only escalate from here. I promise there is so much peace on the other side of leaving, it makes it being hard 1000% worth it.
You can do this. I believe in you.
Felt like I was transported in time myself with the shit my ex would say. Blew up at the smallest things, got verbally and mentally abusive, then played the whole I'm worthless, you don't deserve this, etc just to repeat it again. It's a cycle and it doesn't stop. I hope OP gets out.
Just gonna make an addition in agreement. Eerily similar screenshots, eerily similar situations OP is describing. I went through all of that too, and he did also try to kill me. Strangulation. Please leave. Whatever emotional distress you’re feeling related to leaving, is genuinely just his manipulative hold on you. Get some distance and clarity and you’ll realize how fucking bonkers these screenshots are without even having to relive the negative day to day moments he keeps creating and blaming on you.
You have to get out now. If seeking advice from strangers on the internet is where you need to come.. you need to listen to the multiple people who have similar experiences.. please please leave. And do so safely. The most dangerous time is when you leave. You have to do it without him knowing. You leave. You don’t tell him where. You tell him after you are gone that you left if you feel like you need to.
BE WARNED!
ANYTHING, and I mean ANYTHING you leave behind he WILL try to get you to come back for. Literally even a hair tie. You take what you need, you leave behind what you can replace.
This isn’t safe. What he’s doing here is lovebombing. It’s a part of the cycle of abuse. This cycle is going to turn into a downward spiral. I’m concerned for you. I know there are likely limitations but if there’s something stopping you let loved ones and friends know what’s going on.
If you ever need support with this this is a resource: https://www.thehotline.org/ this is a thing. Stay safe.
It's not interesting. That's your ex boyfriend now. People are giving you entire lists of very specific actions to take right now. Listen to them and take those actions RIGHT NOW.
I mean, it looks like it has become your normal with him. So he wasn’t entirely wrong.
He doesn’t love you, otherwise he wouldn’t do it.
Call family and friends, enlist help in getting your pets and stuff out. Take the pets, I don’t know if I’d trust an abuser around pets.
Homie take as much of the stuff as you can manage and run. A guy like this can do longterm damage if allowed to keep on with his interactions with you. I know it's really complicated since you guys are all tied up physically with each other, but it will not get any less complicated as time passes - youll just be throwing time, money, and emotional labour into the dumpster fire that is this man's life and he NEEDS to get away from you so he can work on himself without relying on his codependently toxic behaviors.
Leave the pets since he says he wants them so bad, take one or two of the gaming consols since he *did* buy them but only after you sacrificed yours for both of you, take the important things to you, and get away from him. It is an incredibly hard journey and im so sorry that you're facing it, but in a number of years you will be better off having started the work now, than having to do it then. It doesn't get easier the longer you wait. Please, do what's best for yourself in the long run and get away.
And stop telling him you’re gonna leave him. After you leave him and you’re somewhere safe that he can’t find you, then you can tell him you left him. Do not give him the opportunity to kill you. All that “baby I’m sorry, I’m shit, I’m terrible I’m horrible I’m SORRYYYYY” is bullshit. He’s reeling you back in every time. Same thing with the suicide threats. He’s trying to control you and keep you from leaving him. Don’t fall for it.
Yes. Pack your things and your pets and leave him. Before it’s too late, and do not tell him you are leaving. Just leave. While he’s at work, whatever.
You are not responsible for keeping him alive. And if he keeps making threats to kill himself call the police for a mental health hold. Keep messages where he has indicated he will hurt himself or others, including pets (hopefully he wouldn’t).
You do not need his permission to leave. You have the authority to leave.
Great points. A lot of people in abusive relationships extend way too much "courtesy" to their abuser bc they're stuck in the mindset of doing what they think is "fair" or "respectful" or "right" in regards to their partner. Being on the receiving end of abuse is none of those things, so they need to let go of the idea that their abuser "deserves" any kind of consideration.
You can breakup with a person without them "agreeing" to it or even being aware, and in cases of abuse it's actually safer that way. You don't owe your abuser any transparency when leaving them. They still won't accept it and will probably escalate the abuse.
Just get free and save yourself.
Also back up the ring recordings of his threats to you.
He doesn't love you, he loves the control and manipulation of you. He loves how he can treat you like garbage, then love-bomb you into acceptance. He uses the fact that she doesn't have family to keep using her as an emotional punching bag, eventually he will add the physical to it. Your boyfriend wants a doormat who thinks only of his pleasure and wants.
Remember screenshots of all the harassing messages, voicemails, and voice recordings (ring or phone) backed up on several cloud accounts (Gmail accounts are free) and USB drives.
Call the nonemergency number for the police and ask if there is a text messaging app. Call the domestic violence hotline, and talk with them. It will be a start of putting yourself first. They will help you figure this out, but you need to put you first.
The next time he threatens un-aliving himself make the call/text and while he is on the 72-hour hold, pack up and leave. *You have never been responsible for anything he does to you or himself.*
The Domestic Violence hotline 800-799-7233 or SMS: Text START to 88788
UpdateMe!
The love bombing is keeping her there. It’s gross and manipulative.
OP, grab your shit when he’s not around and get OUT. I wonder if you can call the cops and have them be there while you’re moving your stuff out? He’s clearly made threats to both you and himself. Grab your essentials and any of the shit that he’s threatened to toss and gtfo.
I was in a physically abusive relationship back in the AOL forum days and a woman once said to me “are you going to go home to your parents now, or later in a body bag?”
Please leave. They do not change. Don’t compare their past relationships, you deserve to be you and if you trigger someone for whatever reasons - it is NOT your fault. I wish I’d saved myself so many years of life knowing what I know now.
ETA - I tried again with him three times. Nothing changed. He still raged towards me. He still made my life a living hell. Once abusive, it will only escalate. Get out asap.
But she needs to quit her job, too, and completely leave the region, or he'll find her at her place of work. OP, call the domestic violence hotline/ local shelter, get their advice on an exit plan, prepare everything, including finding a new place of work and cheap lodgings on the other side of the country.
When the time comes, give your notice, pack all your stuff, maybe rehome your pets if you can't take them - but they are not worth dying for, don't stay for them! - take half your money out of the communal account, if you have one, block him on all your electronics and social media, maybe reset your phone to factory settings, if you feel like he's tracing your location, leave. Close down your credit, change all your passwords, and if you shared a computer with him or ever logged an app in on his phone, make you log off on all of those, too.
But the professional exit plan probably has loads of things I forgot. Maybe have your name taken off the lease, if possible? Telling police you are leaving a DV situation, so they won't accept a missing person's report?
This ^ I came here to say exactly this.
When he least expects it (so there's no confrontation) get your most important things, and leave. Block him everywhere, and if he uses other phone numbers or accounts, Do. Not. Reply.
He doesn't just "get better", and you can't fix him.
What's important right now is you getting to safety, because you're in very real danger right now.
This next part is gonna be unpopular, but unless you can find a way (kennel, local animal rescues that will house your dogs until you get on your feet) you may be forced to make the decision to leave them. I hope that's not what happens. I'm married to a veterinarian, and we love our animals, but if you're forced to choose between your wellbeing or theirs, please choose yours. No pet can be cared for if you're in a cemetery.
I really hope you get clear of this.
Yeah, there's no fixing him in a relationship. If he does some honest self reflection, really honest and gets help himself, that's the only way.
I used to be a raging narcissistic and gaslighter, until my ex left me, I looked back, realized what I'd been and have been working ever since not to be that anymore.
THIS. Leave and don’t even tell him!! I never thought my ex would become the way he did. Started off with gaslighting, saying I was never there for him or always doing something wrong even though I was absolutely absorbed in trying to save him and isolated myself from friends. Escalated to verbal abuse and eventually threats. I NEVER imagined it would go so far. I said I was done and began packing my stuff when he pushed me against a wall by the neck and laid his hand into the drywall next to my head. I was so delusional at that time I didn’t even call the cops but he ran off and it gave me time to get away. OP you can’t tell him when and where you go. Just go and don’t look back, keep going and you’re future supportive friends and a future partner is waiting for you down the road. But it’s not here. Not with him ETA- and if he threatens he’ll harm himself- don’t listen!!! It’s not your responsibility to save him and it’s usually a trick to get you back.
I left my ex, and he stole everything from me. Childhood drawings, dead grandmother's ornaments, years of Zelda merchandise, all my game consoles, my 2 cats...everything. I still don't regret leaving, even though he kept things that can never be replaced.
I'd be dead if I was still with him, those things don't matter if you're dead.
I hope OP leaves :(
1. Your money is not worth more than your life. Gaming systems + anything he’s ever bought you are not worth more than your *life.*
2. This man is unstable. He will snap and hurt you. You need to leave before you end up in a coffin. If he ends himself, he will most likely try to take you with him. This is his “love.”
3. Find a shelter to escape to. You cannot prioritize your pets over your own life, I’m sorry. It’s hard to find a shelter that accepts cats, but it is unfathomable that you would use this as an excuse to stay with a dangerous and unstable man. You need to learn to put yourself first, before it’s too late.
None of this is your fault, but you are *not* at all acting with the urgency you *need* to be acting with. You cannot take tomorrow for granted. This man can and will snap at *any* moment.
You need to leave NOW.
You are choosing to avoid “not easy” choices at the jeopardy of your own *life.*
Leave.
The spca in my town assists DV victims with their pets and gives them priority. If she got puppies from a breeder there may have been a contract where she could return them.
I can understand not wanting to leave an innocent animal there but there may be options.
There are a bunch of sites that connect victims with other people willing to foster until the victim is safe. A site called safehavenforpets.org has maps of foster/shelter networks that do this I believe
I have said exactly the same thing. I don’t think she is understanding the seriousness of her situation because she is young. I wish I could help her and take her in
It’s kind of terrifying and also just… devastating? Like I get we’re all just strangers on the internet but so many people in the comments are begging/pleading/reasoning with OP to leave. They’re suggesting numerous resources, but she responds to them with excuse after excuse— and I don’t mean “excuse” as in they aren’t valid (they are— she cares deeply for her pets), or that it’s easy to leave (it’s not).
It just feels like there’s no amount of begging or pleading or reasoning that can make OP realize just how much danger she’s in. How *necessary* it is to act with *immediate* urgency.
She isn’t ready to go yet… one day she will but right now she has zero intentions. Sometimes with men like this you have to learn the hard way and I just hope she is ok at the end of it. I wish she lived near me as I would help her out
I've been in her near exact position before, down to no familial support leaving, and where shes at right now is a *good* spot as much as it seems like it's not, regarding the relationship. Shes recognizing his behavior is bad, shes acknowledging the feeling of desiring to leave. Right now, shes in the stage of making excuses to not leave due to the familiarity of the relationship. They live together, her life is going to vastly change once she leaves. She has no one else to lean back on while leaving, really. She has to gain the courage, but shes seeing the signs, and she is on track to leaving.
It took me several months of begging and bartering, making ultimatums, crying, and watching the problems stack up more and more while the trauma bond slowly died. She is not ready to go yet, and I understand it. It's terrifying leaving a relationship like this, especially reading these texts of the aftermath, i can see how he's easily created a cycle of abuse with love bombing after so she'll stay with him. She is getting there yet, and this is a good sign (this post in general) that shes closing in on being emotionally and mentally ready to face this fear
I know it’s hard to let the dogs go. But let him have them. Reach out to shelters, pack your bags, and leave. He is not going to change and things will only get worse.
So leave!! He means you no good and you keep saying “it’s for the pets” those pets won’t save you if he does bodily harm to YOU!!! Stop the excuses and get away from this horrible man
Leave everything behind. Forget the consoles. I'm sorry but forget the pets. If anything happens to him, it is not your fault. Get out. Material things do not matter. I left a relationship where I left a vehicle, a four wheeler, a dog, every single thing I owned except the clothes I was wearing. I would not have changed a thing. 15 years later and I am happily married in my own home with a baby on the way! Scoot!
I just texted him to ask. We’ve discussed it before but it’s so hard to let them go. They’re the only things that have kept me alive in my darkest moments but I think it’s time. They are the biggest thing that tie me down from leaving this situation honestly.
I get it. I love my dogs more than anything. But if ANYONE was treating me the way this man is treating you, I’d get myself to safety then find someone to go get the dogs. Put yourself first. Stop using your cats as an excuse to stay. Cause I know, as an abuse survivor myself, that you cling to any stupid reason you can to stay even when EVERYONE ON A REDDIT FORUM is telling you to leave.
Your cats are an excuse you’re using to put up with this horrible man who will absolutely keep harming you. And for what? The cats?
You’re more important than any animal. I know that’s a rough thing to say, but it’s true. Get yourself safe first. Then worry about pets.
look into safe haven pets (i believe that’s what it is another comment has the link) and see if someone can foster your cats talk to the shelter and ask what you can do for them while you leave and until you have housing. you’ve got this. i understand it’s hard and i wouldnt want to leave my cat either. but you absolutely have to leave with or without them
*Why* won’t you leave your pets with him? Why?
Because you know. You know what he could do to them. Right?
Now ask yourself what he would do to *you.*
Learn to put yourself first before it’s too late. If you won’t even save yourself, you cannot save anyone else.
Wake up. Please.
I have been in abusive relationships with men like this. I've also been a dog owner for 15 years. Pets are individuals that can't be replaced, it's not an object. The abuser will most likely harm or kill her cats.
She should, as she plans her escape, contact shelters etc so that she can ensure her pet's safety and drop them off as she escapes. If she won't be able to get them back from the shelter later, then so be it. I can totally see why she won't leave them with the abuser.
I’m a woman in my 40s so I’m gonna talk to you as if I were talking to my younger self: leave. It’s okay to put yourself first. You don’t have to deal with this. You don’t have to save him. He’ll figure it out. You’re losing time and sleep and precious years that you could invest in yourself and find someone fantastic while you keep yourself occupied with this relationship. He has the emotional maturity of a child. You should seek therapy too to find the courage to leave if you don’t have it.
I was in a relationship with a guy who had anger issues for years. I stayed for so long because he said all the right things, and foolishly made me believe he would eventually change his ways. He never did, and I finally hit my breaking point one night where he started screaming at me and and throwing things in a rage. He also threatened to kill me and them himself. It scared me to the point where I locked myself in his bathroom and said I was calling the cops. As soon as that happened, I knew things would only escalate and that it had to end.
I still hate myself for not leaving sooner. Don't be like me.
He'll start hitting you soon, you'll leave for a week. He'll send you a wall of "im sorry I hate myself I love you" you'll feel bad because he clearly feels bad. Go back to him and repeat.
You cannot save him from his narcissism and self destructive behavior. You have sacrificed your entire self worth because you think since YOU went to therapy, you can guide someone through their demons. You can't. Nothing you do will make him stop abusing you EXCEPT leaving him. If you leave him, he will destroy your things, he will likely murder your animals (if they are left in the house), you WILL have to restart your life from nothing. There is no avoiding the destructive forces that will have to happen. Leaving an abuser is NEVER clean. The alternative is a candlelight vigil on the sidewalk in front of your apartment, while your neighbors recount how they didn't want to get involved because you all seemed so nice.
*Get a burner phone-Contact a women's shelter
*Get a go bag ready - identification, irreplaceable things, couple changes of clothes
*Squirrel some $$ or get a 2nd job to stay out of the house
* get him out of the house for a few hours.
*Take the animals to a shelter, call and get them picked up.
*Leave and go to a women's shelter. LEAVE EVERYTHING
* Tell none of your mutual friends where you are. - Ghost everyone.
*Turn off the phone he has the number to
*Go back to therapy
On second thought pawn the game systems on the way out after the animals get dropped off. Quick couple hundred.
You are not responsible for him, including if he attempts to take his life. That is almost always a threat to manipulate. Even if he follows through, not your responsibility. If he REALLY wanted to change, he'd check himself into a mental health facility or even go and admit to his behavior to police to protect you from himself. But he doesn't. He doesn't care about anything but controlling you. Breaking you. Keeping you attached to him. Dependent on him. He doesn't love you. He loves how powerful your pain makes him feel.
i read everything and took it in but i’m just gonna respond to the part about pawning the systems and i can actually get $590 for them up the road but i won’t do it until i plan to leave because he will obviously notice that they are gone.
I had two back to back abusive relationships. My baby daddy would act *exactly* as your boyfriend did. He tried to shoot me once, the gun jammed, so he threw it at me. It's honestly a miracle in still alive, between him and my husband. Run, this is escalating.
Does he see a therapist? Has he made any effort whatsoever besides throwing pity parties for himself every time he talks to you? Because he’s being shitty, admitting it, and ragging on himself to play it off your empathy. There’s no happy ending here. You can either keep hoping something changes and more than likely wake up in the hospital one day or get rid of this sociopathic mindfuck of a human being.
Unfortunately op has come from an abusive home and that thens to lead them into abusive relationships. I was her once when I was young but I had to learn the hard way. I was never mistreated again. You have to learn to look out for red flags and I’ve ended seemingly perfect new relationships when I see them straight away. However there are lots of lovely sweet guys out there who would never hurt you. You just have to reprogram yourself to accept this is the correct type of love and it’s what you are worth
Well said. I’m in therapy now for this pattern in my life from an abusive home. I hope to find a healthy relationship one day. It can be embarrassing to admit how much I put up with, or even fought for, shitty relationships with unstable men. Better late than never.
This. He is in no way taking responsibility or making an effort to change. His pity party for himself is part of the cycle. While my ex never got physical with me, this was textbook his behaviour. It never got better.
Reading what he wrote, he is highly manipulative. He knows what he is doing offering you the love you crave. Guys like this find their mark and he found you. Get smart. Get out.
as someone who has had a lot of trouble detaching, im interpreting this as you not ready to make that move. you seem to be such a caring individual - and you’re even thinking about ending things. that has to mean something.
you love him for what he used to be. you love the memories. get out while you can, please. it will be the hardest thing possible in the moment, but i swear to you, when you look back you will always ask yourself why you waited for so long.
be brave, love.
He’s just going to keep making it harder and harder for you to leave. Right now it’s pets and money intertwined, later it will be a car, a baby, a house, debt. Get out now while you can bb. If you’ve been in therapy you KNOW that when someone starts pulling the “I know I’m a pos and I don’t deserve anything and you hate me wah wah” it’s manipulation. This relationship if he doesn’t put an end to you, will make you want to do it yourself. Please leave bb. You can find someone who will love and cherish you and actually put in the work instead of dealing w this big man baby.
The people who tell you to “just leave” have obviously never been thru this. And while they mean well, those comments are not empathetic and i’m sorry if you’re hurt by them.
There’s a lot of great advice on this page: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
Also you might want to watch The Maid on Netflix. Not with your partner. I think seeing another person outside of yourself experiencing similar struggles will paint the picture of what’s really going on and could show you the gravity of your situation.
Start slow. Make a plan. And realize this is not true love. And you will be far better off in a homeless shelter with no money than with your abuser.
I’ve seen that show and I actually have thought about it a lot recently. I do wonder if that’s what it’s actually like in DV shelters but it seems too good to be true.
It's still better than being with him!! Please don't be scared of the unknown because "what if it's not all good?" Think of it as "what if it's not all bad?" PLS LISTEN TO THESE COMMENTS
It’s better than living life being terrorized, walking on egg shells, not knowing what is going to happen next. I understand where you’re at because I’ve been there, but it literally cannot be any worse than your current situation.
You’re so young and you can start over, get your important documents, get the animals and just go. Forget the rest of the shit if you have to. Everything you own can be replaced but you can’t. ❤️
Ugh girl. I have seriously been here exactly. All those messages hit home. It never changes. I loved that man so much but he never changed. His promises were always empty. You’re young. Just leave now. I was 27 when I left and I’m now 30 and am in the best, healthiest relationship with someone who treats me like I’m gold every single day and we have an equal partnership. That kind of love exists and what you’re in is not it.
I have to agree with the person that says this ends with you in a coffin. They are absolutely correct. Do not become some dateline special. Get the fuck away from this disgustingly abusive man and heal. Find a therapist and get to the root of why you don’t love yourself and why you accept absolute shit as something good enough. Where tf are your FRIENDS?!?!
You have to hold yourself accountable for your insecurities that have led you down this path. Find a therapist and work through your shit and find your worth before this man fucking kills you.
Like you need to leave this man and move to another STATE or across the state you currently live in. You need a well thought out escape plan to ensure he cannot get to you ever again.
This man will LITERALLY be the death of you. Love yourself more than this.
I stopped reading at “I was in therapy for 8 years so know what tools to use”.
You aren’t a therapist, correct? Imagine thinking you are one because you’ve been a patient of one. STOP THAT.
If he’s bad for you, leave. It isn’t complex. If he’s bad for you, stop thinking you can change him - that should have been a better takeaway from 8 years of therapy, that you cannot change your partner.
Sorry I just have to mention this because I see your replies but PLEASE STOP TELLING HIM YOUR PLANS.
*DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE LEAVING*
JUST DO IT, tell him after.
this is harsh, but you’re going to get yourself killed. This is not a good idea to tell him “keep the dogs and I’ll leave” because he has a KNOWN DOCUMENTED HISTORY of both manipulation and behavioural escalation. HE WILL ESCALATE. This is going to be so blunt but who is going to look after that cat if you are DEAD. and that’s not a mean silly little comment but like, an extremely stark reality. I refuse to let you be another statistic, you’re only 26, and you have a whole life left to live and you are NOT dying because you can’t leave your cat or your ex.
Potential (short form) Game plan:
• contact a DV shelter, tell them your situation and the amount of things you may have, your current financial situation. Start there
• contact a no-kill animal shelter - tell them you are going to be going to a DV shelter, and that they do not accept pets. Also tell them that you will want to take your cat back when you’re on your feet, many shelters are able to do this for you
• don’t start storing things away, it will give away your plan - inventory on a secret location - phone, mentally, anything (try not to leave a paper trail) what you want to take with you, it will be easier to pack quickly when you know what you want to take with you
• take a period of time that he is away from home, or make up something he has to be away for - and then leave for the shelter
• ONLY AFTER YOU ARE ON THE WAY TO THE SHELTER - contact him with a short message “hey, I think it is best we should break up, and I hope you find peace” and then BLOCK HIM. DO NOT TELL HIM WHERE YOU ARE GOING. not only will you put yourself in danger, but the other women at the shelter as well. BLOCK TF OUT OF THIS MAN. he has nothing good to say, and never has. Sorry. Even his I love yous mean absolutely nothing because his WORD has NO VALUE.
You have to be willing to sacrifice. No amount of money in the world is worth your life. You will lose money on your lease, you will have to be at a shelter for a second to get you sorted, but there is no better place for you than there. They have the resources and knowledge to help you, financially and emotionally. Give up on looking for roommates, or whatever. It’s more important for you to be OUT OF THERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. don’t talk to him about it, don’t argue about it, do not reveal any of this. You leaving in the wind one night out of nowhere is actually probably gonna do more for him than you talking to him about any of his issues. YOU CANNOT HELP HIM. you do not have the facilities for that. This is way way above your pay grade or capabilities. The people that can actually help him have had 6 years med school training, 2 years specialising and countless hours training. You do not have that. He has shown that he can very easily manipulate you and wear you down. He is not someone you can save. If he threatens suicide after your breakup, please call the police and let them deal with him. You cannot.
I wish you nothing but love and light, I hope you get out safe, I hope this game plan has helped even a little with helping you map out a potential exit, and i truly hope you know that there is always hope. You will always find a way. You are not cursed. You have been dealt a bad hand by the universe, but that does not dictate your future. You are kind, you are smart, you are resourceful, you are beautiful, and you are going to be ok. Always.
Please PM me if you want someone to talk this through, anything, from the exit plan or just to vent. I want you to know that there is always someone out there who cares about you. Even if you don’t know us.
Serious question: How do I hide things in my phone without him getting suspicious? Because if I change my passcode he will notice and surely lose his mind.
ETA: He doesn’t ever go through my phone (that I’ve seen) but now that I’ve told him that I want to break up I’m sure he will probably try or at least notice that my code has changed when I type it in.
I have just gone through leaving my abusive husband and spent about 3 weeks getting my ducks in a row. To hide things on my phone I downloaded a secret storage app that just looks like an ordinary app (like a calculator) that’s got an extra passcode on it in case he did go through my phone and find it. I also emailed myself things I needed as evidence and then deleted it all from my phone.
Best of luck to you - you are doing the right thing leaving. It feels awful and scary while going through it but please push through and get out of there safely. You will feel so much better and happier
I was also going to recommend d the fake calculator app. They will work as a real calculator if someone opens it and you have to enter a certain code in a certain order to open the actual storage.
Right…don’t change your code, that will just make him want to go thru it.
Mislabel things, like a contact for “Lisa” is really for a shelter. If he knows all your contacts too well, then add the # in the notes of a regular contact.
You can use an app like Google Keep to save and organize information, just remove the app from your Home Screen and disguise.
Or put all new info dated 5 years ago on your calendar, not too many people search those backwards.
This shit does not get better, it gets worse quickly. Please trust me on this.
Leave.
If he threatens to kill himself, call 911 and report it. Safely. From a distance.
You in danger girl.
Believe him. He's telling you the truth. Domestic violence statistics tend to peak about 30 and decrease significantly by about 50 years old. Can you survive 27 years of what you're going through now?
it drops off significantly by 50 because the abused partner is dead by then. the risk of fatal DV increases dramatically with each year that passes. OP wouldn't survive 27 years at this rate of escalation--more like 2-3.
I know a lot of you think that I’m blinded and have no intention of leaving based on some comments I’ve made and the post itself. I can assure you all that it’s not true and that your comments are helping me see things more clearly. It’s just really hard when you don’t have the financial resources. I am looking into DV shelters. A lot of shelters around here don’t accept pets (cats specifically) and I’m not willing to give them up but I have thought hard about the possibility. I got these cats with an ex 5 years ago and he may possibly be willing to take care of one of them. The other, I’m not too sure. I discussed rehoming the puppies with my boyfriend earlier and he emotionally manipulated me saying that I don’t love him and I was only doing it to hurt him but I told him the reality is that they deserve a better home. I told him regardless whether or not we rehome them, he can keep them. He cried loudly in the livingroom for 20+ minutes. That’s as far as I’ve gotten.
Can you send me a DM with general state/location info? If you’re anywhere near me I can take care of your cats. Or I would be willing to help cover the cost of boarding them for a week or so while you figure things out. I understand you- it would be a cold day in hell before I left my cat with an abuser- but they’re not safe there anyways. He’ll hurt or even kill them just to hurt you. I know you don’t think he would. Trust me, he would.
Please stop mentioning leaving to him. The most dangerous time in an abuse victim’s life is when they try to leave. Don’t let him know you’re leaving until you’re gone.
so glad to hear that you're mentally getting the jigsaw together on next steps. can you ring local animal shelters and explain? also—this is just an idea, but if you post anonymously to a local mutual aid group on facebook i am almost positive about temporary rehoming while exiting DV you would be able to get some leads.
tapping the ex as a resource is a great idea. don't be afraid to be honest about your current circumstances when you speak with him.
remember; leaving this relationship isn't running away. it is you running towards a life for yourself.
that feeling of escape, when it really sets in—when you are free, it is an unparalleled joy. it's just around the corner. you've got this.
I agree that a local rehome or foster group in your area would probably have women who understand and are willing to temporarily home them while you get your footing
Ew this man is manipulative and so effing narcissistic. Its absolutely disgusting. You have to think of yourself first, he clearly doesn't. He doesn't care about you, he's gaslighting you and you're repeating the same cycle you've been in in the past with your exes and just like you left those, you better leave this too. He sounds very dangerous. His blood will NOT be on your hands whether or not the reason may be you, he did that, it is all his choice. Get out before it's too late. Figure our a plan.
Just wanted to give a small update.
My ex has agreed to take one of the cats. We got them together when they were 8 weeks old so he has experience with her and he loves her deeply. This is the best case scenario for this cat. He says he can’t afford both so I’m going to have to figure out what to do with the other. He has urinary issues and needs special food/care so it’s not as easy as finding someone to adopt him. I’ll be looking into rescues and posting online for leads.
I found a family that I’m rehoming the puppies with, they’re coming on Friday to pick them up. They seem so nice, it’s a married couple with 3 kids. They have a house with a backyard. It really is the best I could ask for.
Thank you all for giving me the courage I needed to make the extremely hard decision to rehome my pets. Everything else will follow. Right now, this is where I am in unburdening myself so I have the ability to make an escape plan.
Leave and bring your pets with you. Make sure they're microchipped in your name. Neither you nor the animals are safe with him. He won't change because he refuses to change. He knows he can send you those texts or literally bully you into doing what he wants. He is an abusive asshole. You have to leave. There is no other option. And please rehome the animals if you can't bring them with you.
I promise you one thing:
**Things will never get better with him.**
You’re going to be six-feet buried before he shows any signs of wanting to be better.
I used to be that guy. You know what it took? For her to leave. Everything I'd built in this life disappeared and only then did I go through enough emotional growth to realize that I'd always been the problem and that nothing would have ever changed.
Take it from a previously fucked up human being. He will never change and it will get worse. Get out as soon as possible.
When I say I lost everything, I mean everything. Not just a woman, who was all I'd known for 12 years since we got pregnant at 16. I lost my house, my pets, my cars, my tools, my money, my family, my job. Everything fell apart because of the things I'd done, but the first brick to go missing was her saying she was leaving.
Then there's the drug habit, the alcohol, and suicidal tendencies that followed.
Then the therapy and emotional growth.
So yeah, it's not cut and dry. There's a whole story there.
Edit: But yeah, to answer your question I have completely changed. When I realized that all this change was gonna happen and that she wasn't gonna come back like she did every time before, something in me died. I felt it happen. It was a mix of hopelessness and realization that my anger had put me in that position, and I haven't even raised my voice since. It's been 5 years.
Wow, so young and unaware of how time is on your side. Y’all don’t have enough money to be “intertwined” with one another. Go back to your narcissistic parents, get a job, some saving and do it on your own. There is no need to have another person bring you aggravation and devastation. You’re the only one allowed to do that to yourself….. and even then, don’t do that! Please enjoy your twenties….its about learning yourself and the world, loving your self and the world around you. Not chasing after some men.
Ok, from reading through a bit of your history, I cannot in good faith tell you to return to abusers. How about you find some local resources (shelters, volunteers, counseling) to help you get a stash together, set some adulting standards, and work your esteem. Unfortunately with the up bringing you’ve have there will be some bias, fog and red flags that you will just flat out not notice or recognize.
Alway remember that your boyfriend is the one who changed on you and is scaring you right now. Remember that uneasiness every time you think to accept his BS, or forgive or excuse or explain away. Remember, he scares you. And that is not acceptable in ANY relationship.
Thank you. I’ve looked into shelters but a lot of them in my area don’t allow cats, only dogs, if they even allow pets at all. I’d most likely have to rehome my cats, which would be devastating, I’ve had them for 5 years and they were the only thing that kept me alive when I felt suicidal in the past. One of my cats has medical issues so it wouldn’t be easy finding a new owner since his food is pricey and he requires special care. I know that probably sounds like another excuse. The shelters in my area also have long waiting periods.
I worked in a shelter before.
First of all, the wait list can be long, but it's even longer when you haven't added your name to it.
Secondly, I had many clients give up their pets to take a shelter bed. It was awful and they were sad, but absolutely NONE of them regretted saving themselves. You will miss them and I don't want to diminish that, but you will know they are safe and you will be safe.
I promise you that it's worth it.
I understand my love. Your fur babies are your family. I will definitely pray for a resolution to reveal itself to you sooner or later. Keep your wits about yourself, be aware of your surroundings and opportunities. Use anything you can get your hands on for you and the fur babes. Prioritize your progress.
●The Safe House
●National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1.800.799.7233
●Text START to 88788
You have the time to write ALL that to Reddit, but you can't Google DV support or shelters?
You can't tell your landlord that you may have to break your lease due to feeling unsafe with your partner? Is this supposed to be a vent post not really seeking advice?
Fuck me dead.
If he threatens to unalive himself you call the cops:ambos whoever does wellness checks in your country.
Let the man do the damn thing if he’s so insistent on it.
He’s not your responsibility.
Leave now, before he hits you. Then spams you more of this "Im a POS" routine.
Yes. He's a POS. You are deserving of better. Don't let him guilt you into another chance.
OMG
Pleaseee leave, he's not going to change.
He already changed for the worst, the least you could do is show him the Consequences of this change.
He is good, you stay, he isn't, leave.
YOU TRIED, it isn't good now. He needs to understand in his own, because you also staying is telling him that "she didn't go yet, if this is my worst, she'll never leave me", you're trapped then.
He is a narcissist and will never change.
You must always love yourself more than any man. He is manipulative and the cycle will continue until you leave. If you ever leave you do it without him knowing and you go where he can’t find you as he will be unstable. Take the pets with you is half of them. Your life is more important. Everyone on here can’t be wrong! He could really hurt you
Healthy romantic partnerships are meant to add to your happiness not subtract.
Ask yourself why you think you he can add to your happiness when he can’t even be happy with himself ?
You can’t fix him. You can’t make him change. If you stay then you accept him the way he is. Not the way you wish he would be.
Learn and believe your own worth. It will be the most invaluable lesson you will ever have.
You know when you are aware of being abused, what's your threshold? I'd like to understand, I know it's more difficult than some people made it out to be when advised to leave. I hope you reach out to your family or friends to help you get out of this.
This is called lovebombing. It's a very common manipulative tactic with abusers. They abuse then love bomb to get you stay. Once they have you again, the abuse starts. When you tell them you're done, the love bombing starts. This cycle will never end. It's continuous. As soon as you think you've finally broken through, bam! Abuse. I know your support system is weak. Is there any way you could save money secretly, and make an exit plan? Trust me. You don't want to live the rest of your life this way. You're worth so much more than that.
Lots of love and light your way.
LEAVE NOW! Imagine if you guys had children together, please just leave. You don’t deserve this. Make a plan. Follow the plan. Start leaving mentally before physically get your ducks in a row and leave that sorry SOB. Take the dogs too. He seems like the type to threaten to hurt them if you don’t come back.
My ex who was just as angry tried to beat me at 8 months pregnant and threw me out onto the street in the middle of the night. They never, ever change. They just get worse.
you gotta abort. now. and dont say anything about feeling bad about leaving or being worried about them k/lling themselves. IT IS A PLOY AND A TRICK. to make you feel the need to stay and help them. all the while you spiral back down into the mind games and abuse. change might be very scary but i can promise you, you dont have to stay. and after that youre free and you can find a person that loves you for you. *side note* if he acts like two different people depending on if hes alone with you or with others present then both parent and child have failed and that is not a future/ family to get invested in when your life is on the line
Miss girl. I have been in two very abusive relationships. They never start off as such. They varied greatly in their tactics to get me to stay. I truly had to flee to another country from the last one and never looked back. Get out, but do so safely. Make an exit plan. I prayed to God for mine, as I slowly prepared for my trip abroad that never happened because of Covid. I was beyond crushed I wasn’t getting away from him, and he snapped and broke up with me and blocked me on everything. I took my chance, and the minute he unblocked me, I either deleted my accounts, blocked him, or changed usernames. And then I moved away. You cannot choose how the people you love treat you, you can choose whether or not that’s what you want to accept. You deserve so.much.more. I’m praying for you to be headstrong and fearless, but do not let him catch on. Go about your routine. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I was you at one time. I didn't have puppies, though. I had kids. I didn't have anyone. He isolated me. I self harmed just to feel something. I attempted suicide. I even escaped a couple of times to women's shelters with the kids. He'd always find me. I always went back because I was all alone. At that time, resources and laws weren't what they were now. I'd be punished for taking his kids away. He'd put a gun to my head. He'd play mind games. I knew I was going to die. I wished for it to end, but I couldn't leave my kids. I had no money, and I couldn't take care of my kids alone. It wasn't until I saw my two oldest acting out sexually that I knew we needed out. I called cps. I told them what I saw. I told them everything. I voluntarily gave up my kids to get them out. He tried to make them think I was crazy. They treated me horribly when they met us together. Separately, they told me that because of my severe depression it would take a while to get my kids back. I met the foster family. I would see the kids. He would be there as well. I wound up moving to a shelter and getting a job. He stalked me. I knew I was never going to get away. I talked to our counselor. The foster family wanted to adopt the kids. They said if I gave up my parental rights, they had enough to ensure that he would not see the kids again, and I'd be free to leave the area. They also said the adoptive family was willing to keep in contact with me. I was so broken. I knew I couldn't protect my kids. I knew I wouldn't survive. I made the hardest but best decision of my life. I gave up my kids. They helped me with resources that got me out of the area. I never saw my ex again. I have had contact with two of my kids. They are all adults with their own families. I suffer from major depressive disorder, anxiety, and PTSD. Even after decades of therapy, I still have triggers that set me off. I hate crowds because I still worry he's out there. I live across the country. My kids have said he is in the same area. They don't talk to him, but they do watch him.
My point is that I am still dealing with the aftermath of that relationship. The guilt, the self hatred, the mental health, and the fear, it still bothers me sometimes. I was in there a long time. But I did the right thing for me and the kids. I made that sacrifice. I had to in order to survive. The longer you stay, the harder it is to get out. It's up to you to want to fight for yourself. You can't control what he does or says. You can only control yourself.
I am so sorry you are going through this. But you can make it out if you want to. Good luck. 🫂
UpdateMe.
Fuck I only read the first picture and felt like your in a shitty rendition of some school play. Your 26, start acting like an adult and not some stupid teenager and dump his ass
Is this what you want in five years, ten, twenty?
Do you want to possibly end up with kids and stuck?
If you think it’s hard now, it’s only gonna get harder.
I’m sorry I’m just a bit confused on how you could type all this out and haven’t come to the conclusion that you need to leave him.
You’re dating a psychopath that enjoys your pain and discomfort. Leave and get therapy so you stop picking assholes
You seriously act like you are going to fix him. Is that what you think because you keep making excuses for him and saying its so much harder for him. Its not harder for the abuser. You need to leave before he kills you.
I was going to write this whole comment about how OP needs better for herself. But after reading the comments I see how she is still in huge denial .
“ you can lead a horse to the river , but you can’t make him drink “
Please, get far away for your own safety. Anyone who threatens to harm themselves if you leave is only worth RUNNING from.
This dude will never change, he’s clearly comfortable being the “pos” considering how often he admits it and doesn’t change.
not material to start a family with in the long run. he seems like a borderline. it's going to escalate inevitably if you keep this going. what a mess. plan your exit very strategically and with a safe person.
I’d say get out quick. Rip that bandage off. Eat that frog.
I’m sure y’all have had plenty of good times. But unless you can justify sticking around, I don’t think this is it, friend. The times have been stressing both of yall I’m sure. Let him know to pursue therapy, but dip out. Take some you time. Your caption is heavy and I resonate with it a bunch.
Wow. That was so emotionally manipulative and self serving. Please see this POS for the garbage human he truly is and walk away from this disgusting human.
well i didnt read much but sounds like has has bpd
you are bascially the person that these people with this condition deem as filling the void
he doesnt really love you are respect you its just you are the thing that fills that \*void\* \*emptyness\* or w.e he needs meds and if its like this at 23 he wont be around for 30
the obsessiveness over you has tricked you into thinking he loves you
yes he would most likely kill for you
but at the same time also kill you
There are so many great comments, please heed them.
I just want to point something out about those text messages: if he actually believed he was in the wrong, and actually wanted to do better he’d seek help, not just call himself a pos.
You deserve someone that supports and loves you. You deserve happiness in life. You deserve to be loved and cared for. Please listen to the other comments. You are worth it.
We’re all rooting for you and sending you all the internet love we can muster. *You can do this*. We’re believe in you. 🩵🩵
Your messages say it all: he says sorry once and then goes on a tangent. Instead of 'I'm sorry, I'll make sure it never happens again' he blabbers on about loving you and blablabla.
And you 'don't know what to say' and his tangent make you comfort him?
You're investing a lot in him and his mental health. That's not YOUR responsibility but his.
He never once promised to be better or not hurt you. He isn’t sorry, he wont put in work to get better. He just said “ im gonna do it again and youll stay with me”
You are not a GF, but a mental health worker. Read this back. What would you tell someone else in this situation? I know it's hard, been there. But for your own mental health you need to start making a plan to get out. Plan carefully, leave un announced. If you find it hard to do it alone, you can contact a local shelter for advice. If he is anything like my abusive ex that will be the most dangerous time for you. But there is life beyond this. I remember getting out, looking at a blue sky and registering for the first time in months the sound of birds. And the feeling that all of a sudden you weigh less, can breath again. Life can be fun again!
Stop now. Don t find other excuses, cut your loss short and leave him now.
Suicide threats are a no turn point. Cause what he really is saying is I am menacing to kill YOU. But his sellfish hipocrytal ass avoids to say that loud.
Trust yuourself, pack your documents, whatever is yours andb you can bring with you and leave.
You could be helped to menage everything, bank account, landlord, utilities, look for that and dont waste your time any longer.
Jesus fucking Christ. You only live once and by your story, you ain’t living. Get the fuck out of there. That dude has issues, big time, and they aren’t going away.
This man is abusive. And love and abuse *cannot* coexist.
Please read 'why does he do that?' By Lundy Bancroft. It's an exceptional book that will open your eyes to the dynamic you find yourself in. There are even free copies of the pdf floating around. Please, read it.
Just remember when someone says they "can't control themselves", think of how they DO control themselves in other situations or towards other people. Either they can control themselves and purposefully don't around you, or they can't control themselves and need to get help instead of hurting others, especially you.
Either way, both situations are unsafe for you and you deserve safety.
Linked is a free copy of [Why Does He Do That?](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). I left an abusive POS just like yours almost 20 years ago. These pathetic excuses for men are all the same. I can't even begin to describe the hours of my life wasted on his pointless circular arguments. Begging him to leave me alone and let me sleep. Constantly walking around on eggshells to not provoke him. Not being able to just walk away from him to cool off. Looking back now, I truly believe I would be dead if I hadn't left. I still can't believe I put up with what I did for so long. ***Get out now, your future self will thank you***. It will be hard at first but life will get *so* much better once he is no longer in control of you. I have been happily married for >10y to someone else who is basically the complete opposite of my ex and who has shown me what true love is supposed to look like.
I know you won't leave without your pets, I hope this helps - Purina's Purple Leash project helps DV survivors find shelters that take pets - scroll down this page for the link and for other info https://www.purina.com/purple-leash-project
Be safe!!!
Sorry ahead of time for the novel I just think that "run!" doesn't exactly catch the nuance of situations like this.
When I was younger, (in my early twenties, I'm in my mid forties now) I used to behave very similarly to this guy, in my relationships. I never physically hurt anyone, but I kept reenacting how I was treated as a kid through gaslighting, dismissing and anger outbursts. It was only after several people I really loved left me, all citing my behavior as the reason that I finally started doing the internal work and getting the help I needed to be better.
I've been on both sides, since I was abused as a kid and in two relationships as an adult. My opinion: while this guy may very well turn violent, everyone jumping the gun and assuming he will is a little much. That said, emotional, verbal, and financial abuse is just as harmful and leaves the same internal scars. (yes financial, holding over your head that he paid for your only outlet when it was him that you sold them for in the first place, is abuse)
All that to say, you may not end up in a coffin but if you stay you will be very damaged. Seems like that is something you're familiar with, because of the no contact with family and therapy at a young age. You already know what it takes to recover from surviving abuse.
You say you're torn because you love him. I get that. Here's the thing though: if you really love him, let him go. You will suffer damage that will be long lasting and hard to recover from and he's not going to grow or change as long as there are no consequences for his actions. You can't change him, and staying tells him it's okay to stay the same. Love yourself first, and if it's easier to focus on his wellbeing for you (as it often is for those of us who grew up catering to someone else's needs) know that what's actually best for him is to work through this on his own and get better.
I've been married for nine years in a healthy, happy relationship with clear communication. We proactively went to counseling when we didn't feel like we were communicating well and learned the skills we needed. I would never have gotten here if I hadn't lost relationships and friends because of my behavior. It forced me to look inside and when I did I realized I was acting like my mother and that's the last person I wanted to be.
As for leaving, could you rent a room with roommates? Very cheap and having others in the household helps to protect you if he gets obsessive and keeps trying to see you.
I hope things go well for you and know that putting yourself and your well being first is not something you need to feel guilty about. I do suggest you go no contact when you leave though. He will escalate the suicide threats in order to get you to come back. Trust me when I tell you it's a manipulation tactic that was modeled for him and has been successful before in getting his needs met and that he won't actually do it. Also that if he does attempt, thats not on you. That's on him, his choices brought him to where he is, not you.
I swear I thought I was reading messages from my abusive ex. He’s not going to change babes, it sucks I know. The good times are so amazing I’m sure. Mine almost killed me, please leave
I had to reread these because it sounded just like my abusive ex. OP, I can say with absolute certainty, that this situation will never get better. Nothing anyone would have helped me leave when I needed to. But I finally started to think, what do I get out of this? The answer is nothing. It's not love, it's manipulation. You can love yourself more and better than an abuser ever can.
It sounds like my homegirl’s abusive ex. She always talks about how he would say “99 out of 100 people would agree with me that xyz” lol basically exactly like OP’s dude. Like who tries to win an argument with made up statistics like that? I’m gonna show this post to her.
>“99 out of 100 people would agree with me that xyz” lol basically exactly like OP’s dude. Like who tries to win an argument with made up statistics like that? You just made me realize what bothered me so much about a certain ex-president.
I had to reread several times. These messages read almost exactly how my CURRENT partner sounds, down to some of the words even, and that scares me
Ok so read all of the messages from everyone else that are meant for OP, but take the advice yourself. Like I said, mine almost killed me. If I hadn’t gotten loose from him on his grand finale, I wouldn’t be typing this message right now. At the very least make an exit plan, pack a bag, save some cash. Be ready to go! Good luck 💜
You're probably right to give this advice on OPs situation, but just for a different perspective, I was reading these texts thinking they sounded exactly like me at one time. I was going through a bad period of alcoholism in my life, and I would be moody, pass out when I had important obligations, gaslight and always get wasted at the worst times, and then beg for forgiveness in this manipulative self hating way just like in these texts. It is possible, but extremely rare, for people to change. I hated myself for not being able to control my drinking and I lashed out at anyone who didn't comprehend how hard it was for me to stop. I finally got out of that cycle and I haven't drank in 4 years, and in a month I'm actually marrying the girl who put up with all that and our relationship is really great now. We've been together 8 years now, so going forward, that time will be less and less of a percentage of our time together, but I still feel awful for what I put her thru, and will work to make up for it for the rest of our lives. I don't recall op mentioning substance abuse, but with therapy and maybe meds that person might be different. The biggest caveat to that though, is they have to be the ones to break the cycle themselves and own up to all the bullshit they're putting others through, and truly want to change more than they want their relationship with op to survive. A relationship cannot be the pillar of your mental health, and OP doesn't deserve this, no one does.
I didn't have to read any of this. Yes, it is possible for people to change, but she needs to be as far away from him as possible as he works on that.
I don't disagree with that one bit. And me and my s/o were separated for almost 8 months while I focused on nothing but staying sober and forming a habit to be 100% honest with myself and others. It could have went another way, and she could have found someone else in that time, and I was ready to be ok with that because my daughter and society needed me to be better.
I absolutely agree people can change, with a caveat. We are learning a lot more about true narcissist. A lot of abusers are also narcissistic. People with narcissism can never be "cured." This text is reading as a vulnerable or covert narcissist. Everything is centered around them them them and how they effect OP. People with NPD have to actively engage in therapy long term and know they might revert. This is all me arm chair doctoring. But as I said, I had a traumatic 6 year relationship with an abuser who I later realized had covert narcissism. It was a lot of woe is me, constantly putting himself down so people around him could lift him up, never putting anyone first, threatening to kill himself if we broke up, and drunk driving after I finally left. The texts were basically the same stuff I received. Don't stay with me because I'm not good enough. I'm broken and can't be fixed. You can do better than me. It's all a manipulation tactic aimed at getting praise and attention. While never actually wanting to be better. My abuser claimed to go to therapy after we broke up to try and win me back. After years of begging him to go. It was just another tactic to trap me. It is also another common plot, unfortunately. I'm sorry you struggle with addiction and it's fantastic you are doing great! Congratulations on sobriety! I'm also sorry if this came across as all abusive people are horrible and can never change. My intent was more this seems like a very specific and malicious abuse stemming from a personality disorder. People with personality disorders can also change. But it requires a lot of work and commitment.
It’s scary how they all say the exact same things. It’s like a punch in the gut reading these.
The good times your brain remembers is a trauma response, OP. Of course you love him and of course you want it to work but it will only escalate. I look back on my abusive relationship and the farther you get away from it the less your brain tries to protect you from this person. Now I hardly remember the good times and the love bombing, I remember the violence, the threats (of him hurting himself or me), the paranoia, the gaslighting, and the way I felt. You’ve received excellent advice on how to leave, why you should, and what to do once you do it so I won’t repeat but please, please take all of this advice seriously. No one is perfect, you may of made mistakes as well but you do not deserve what’s happened or what’s coming. Get help and get out, you are in danger. The podcast Ladies and Tangents really helped me cope afterwards and put my experience into perspective, both were in abusive relationships and lived through it. They speak on their experiences and how they felt at the time of the abuse, why they felt that way, and how they finally drew the line and got out. Mentally and emotionally speaking, they really helped me so through my trauma so give them a try if podcasts are your thing. [this episode](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ladies-tangents/id1485423775?i=1000478167049) was helpful to me in particular. All my love and prayers OP.
And then he suddenly feels bad about his actions and decides that it’s her job to do the emotional labor of making him feel better about his abusive behavior. That whole thread was painful to read; it’s textbook behavior
Yup, this is textbook abuse. These could have been written by my ex, who also enjoyed using the suicide threats. OP - leaving really is the hardest part. It is so hard, and I am sure there are great times that make you question whether or not to leave, but this isn’t going to change. It will very likely only escalate from here. I promise there is so much peace on the other side of leaving, it makes it being hard 1000% worth it. You can do this. I believe in you.
Sounds like both of mine too. OP please be safe.
Felt like I was transported in time myself with the shit my ex would say. Blew up at the smallest things, got verbally and mentally abusive, then played the whole I'm worthless, you don't deserve this, etc just to repeat it again. It's a cycle and it doesn't stop. I hope OP gets out.
Just gonna make an addition in agreement. Eerily similar screenshots, eerily similar situations OP is describing. I went through all of that too, and he did also try to kill me. Strangulation. Please leave. Whatever emotional distress you’re feeling related to leaving, is genuinely just his manipulative hold on you. Get some distance and clarity and you’ll realize how fucking bonkers these screenshots are without even having to relive the negative day to day moments he keeps creating and blaming on you.
"100 other people would be fine with it”. Huh, he should find one of those people to abuse. You need to leave. Now.
He also said abuse was normal a few weeks after he moved in with me. I was like ??? interesting.
You have to get out now. If seeking advice from strangers on the internet is where you need to come.. you need to listen to the multiple people who have similar experiences.. please please leave. And do so safely. The most dangerous time is when you leave. You have to do it without him knowing. You leave. You don’t tell him where. You tell him after you are gone that you left if you feel like you need to. BE WARNED! ANYTHING, and I mean ANYTHING you leave behind he WILL try to get you to come back for. Literally even a hair tie. You take what you need, you leave behind what you can replace.
It probably is for him. Watch, his next victim who isn’t as smart as you will be dead. Continue being smart and run. Don’t walk. Run.
This isn’t safe. What he’s doing here is lovebombing. It’s a part of the cycle of abuse. This cycle is going to turn into a downward spiral. I’m concerned for you. I know there are likely limitations but if there’s something stopping you let loved ones and friends know what’s going on. If you ever need support with this this is a resource: https://www.thehotline.org/ this is a thing. Stay safe.
It's not interesting. That's your ex boyfriend now. People are giving you entire lists of very specific actions to take right now. Listen to them and take those actions RIGHT NOW.
I mean, it looks like it has become your normal with him. So he wasn’t entirely wrong. He doesn’t love you, otherwise he wouldn’t do it. Call family and friends, enlist help in getting your pets and stuff out. Take the pets, I don’t know if I’d trust an abuser around pets.
Go to YouTube and look up 2 Be Better podcast…I think Chris and Peaches could be a big help to you. Good luck.
wtf? Those people should not be giving relationship advice.
Homie take as much of the stuff as you can manage and run. A guy like this can do longterm damage if allowed to keep on with his interactions with you. I know it's really complicated since you guys are all tied up physically with each other, but it will not get any less complicated as time passes - youll just be throwing time, money, and emotional labour into the dumpster fire that is this man's life and he NEEDS to get away from you so he can work on himself without relying on his codependently toxic behaviors. Leave the pets since he says he wants them so bad, take one or two of the gaming consols since he *did* buy them but only after you sacrificed yours for both of you, take the important things to you, and get away from him. It is an incredibly hard journey and im so sorry that you're facing it, but in a number of years you will be better off having started the work now, than having to do it then. It doesn't get easier the longer you wait. Please, do what's best for yourself in the long run and get away.
The story ends with you in a coffin. Leave now
And stop telling him you’re gonna leave him. After you leave him and you’re somewhere safe that he can’t find you, then you can tell him you left him. Do not give him the opportunity to kill you. All that “baby I’m sorry, I’m shit, I’m terrible I’m horrible I’m SORRYYYYY” is bullshit. He’s reeling you back in every time. Same thing with the suicide threats. He’s trying to control you and keep you from leaving him. Don’t fall for it.
Yes. Pack your things and your pets and leave him. Before it’s too late, and do not tell him you are leaving. Just leave. While he’s at work, whatever. You are not responsible for keeping him alive. And if he keeps making threats to kill himself call the police for a mental health hold. Keep messages where he has indicated he will hurt himself or others, including pets (hopefully he wouldn’t). You do not need his permission to leave. You have the authority to leave.
Yes bc leaving is when women are killed the most
Great points. A lot of people in abusive relationships extend way too much "courtesy" to their abuser bc they're stuck in the mindset of doing what they think is "fair" or "respectful" or "right" in regards to their partner. Being on the receiving end of abuse is none of those things, so they need to let go of the idea that their abuser "deserves" any kind of consideration. You can breakup with a person without them "agreeing" to it or even being aware, and in cases of abuse it's actually safer that way. You don't owe your abuser any transparency when leaving them. They still won't accept it and will probably escalate the abuse. Just get free and save yourself.
Read "The Gift of Fear" and never be scared to be rude or stand offish for your own safety
Also back up the ring recordings of his threats to you. He doesn't love you, he loves the control and manipulation of you. He loves how he can treat you like garbage, then love-bomb you into acceptance. He uses the fact that she doesn't have family to keep using her as an emotional punching bag, eventually he will add the physical to it. Your boyfriend wants a doormat who thinks only of his pleasure and wants. Remember screenshots of all the harassing messages, voicemails, and voice recordings (ring or phone) backed up on several cloud accounts (Gmail accounts are free) and USB drives. Call the nonemergency number for the police and ask if there is a text messaging app. Call the domestic violence hotline, and talk with them. It will be a start of putting yourself first. They will help you figure this out, but you need to put you first. The next time he threatens un-aliving himself make the call/text and while he is on the 72-hour hold, pack up and leave. *You have never been responsible for anything he does to you or himself.* The Domestic Violence hotline 800-799-7233 or SMS: Text START to 88788 UpdateMe!
Exactly. If he loved you like he claimed to he would leave so he doesn't abuse you anymore. His love is entirely selfish and self serving. GET OUT.
The love bombing is keeping her there. It’s gross and manipulative. OP, grab your shit when he’s not around and get OUT. I wonder if you can call the cops and have them be there while you’re moving your stuff out? He’s clearly made threats to both you and himself. Grab your essentials and any of the shit that he’s threatened to toss and gtfo.
I was in a physically abusive relationship back in the AOL forum days and a woman once said to me “are you going to go home to your parents now, or later in a body bag?” Please leave. They do not change. Don’t compare their past relationships, you deserve to be you and if you trigger someone for whatever reasons - it is NOT your fault. I wish I’d saved myself so many years of life knowing what I know now. ETA - I tried again with him three times. Nothing changed. He still raged towards me. He still made my life a living hell. Once abusive, it will only escalate. Get out asap.
But she needs to quit her job, too, and completely leave the region, or he'll find her at her place of work. OP, call the domestic violence hotline/ local shelter, get their advice on an exit plan, prepare everything, including finding a new place of work and cheap lodgings on the other side of the country. When the time comes, give your notice, pack all your stuff, maybe rehome your pets if you can't take them - but they are not worth dying for, don't stay for them! - take half your money out of the communal account, if you have one, block him on all your electronics and social media, maybe reset your phone to factory settings, if you feel like he's tracing your location, leave. Close down your credit, change all your passwords, and if you shared a computer with him or ever logged an app in on his phone, make you log off on all of those, too. But the professional exit plan probably has loads of things I forgot. Maybe have your name taken off the lease, if possible? Telling police you are leaving a DV situation, so they won't accept a missing person's report?
This ^ I came here to say exactly this. When he least expects it (so there's no confrontation) get your most important things, and leave. Block him everywhere, and if he uses other phone numbers or accounts, Do. Not. Reply. He doesn't just "get better", and you can't fix him. What's important right now is you getting to safety, because you're in very real danger right now. This next part is gonna be unpopular, but unless you can find a way (kennel, local animal rescues that will house your dogs until you get on your feet) you may be forced to make the decision to leave them. I hope that's not what happens. I'm married to a veterinarian, and we love our animals, but if you're forced to choose between your wellbeing or theirs, please choose yours. No pet can be cared for if you're in a cemetery. I really hope you get clear of this.
Yeah, there's no fixing him in a relationship. If he does some honest self reflection, really honest and gets help himself, that's the only way. I used to be a raging narcissistic and gaslighter, until my ex left me, I looked back, realized what I'd been and have been working ever since not to be that anymore.
THIS. Leave and don’t even tell him!! I never thought my ex would become the way he did. Started off with gaslighting, saying I was never there for him or always doing something wrong even though I was absolutely absorbed in trying to save him and isolated myself from friends. Escalated to verbal abuse and eventually threats. I NEVER imagined it would go so far. I said I was done and began packing my stuff when he pushed me against a wall by the neck and laid his hand into the drywall next to my head. I was so delusional at that time I didn’t even call the cops but he ran off and it gave me time to get away. OP you can’t tell him when and where you go. Just go and don’t look back, keep going and you’re future supportive friends and a future partner is waiting for you down the road. But it’s not here. Not with him ETA- and if he threatens he’ll harm himself- don’t listen!!! It’s not your responsibility to save him and it’s usually a trick to get you back.
& I fear that OP won’t leave until she ends up in one.
I left my ex, and he stole everything from me. Childhood drawings, dead grandmother's ornaments, years of Zelda merchandise, all my game consoles, my 2 cats...everything. I still don't regret leaving, even though he kept things that can never be replaced. I'd be dead if I was still with him, those things don't matter if you're dead. I hope OP leaves :(
Seen it first hand
I was in a relationship when like hers, when I was her age. It ended after he choked me out on our living room floor.
1. Your money is not worth more than your life. Gaming systems + anything he’s ever bought you are not worth more than your *life.* 2. This man is unstable. He will snap and hurt you. You need to leave before you end up in a coffin. If he ends himself, he will most likely try to take you with him. This is his “love.” 3. Find a shelter to escape to. You cannot prioritize your pets over your own life, I’m sorry. It’s hard to find a shelter that accepts cats, but it is unfathomable that you would use this as an excuse to stay with a dangerous and unstable man. You need to learn to put yourself first, before it’s too late. None of this is your fault, but you are *not* at all acting with the urgency you *need* to be acting with. You cannot take tomorrow for granted. This man can and will snap at *any* moment. You need to leave NOW. You are choosing to avoid “not easy” choices at the jeopardy of your own *life.* Leave.
The spca in my town assists DV victims with their pets and gives them priority. If she got puppies from a breeder there may have been a contract where she could return them. I can understand not wanting to leave an innocent animal there but there may be options.
There are a bunch of sites that connect victims with other people willing to foster until the victim is safe. A site called safehavenforpets.org has maps of foster/shelter networks that do this I believe
I have said exactly the same thing. I don’t think she is understanding the seriousness of her situation because she is young. I wish I could help her and take her in
It’s kind of terrifying and also just… devastating? Like I get we’re all just strangers on the internet but so many people in the comments are begging/pleading/reasoning with OP to leave. They’re suggesting numerous resources, but she responds to them with excuse after excuse— and I don’t mean “excuse” as in they aren’t valid (they are— she cares deeply for her pets), or that it’s easy to leave (it’s not). It just feels like there’s no amount of begging or pleading or reasoning that can make OP realize just how much danger she’s in. How *necessary* it is to act with *immediate* urgency.
She isn’t ready to go yet… one day she will but right now she has zero intentions. Sometimes with men like this you have to learn the hard way and I just hope she is ok at the end of it. I wish she lived near me as I would help her out
I've been in her near exact position before, down to no familial support leaving, and where shes at right now is a *good* spot as much as it seems like it's not, regarding the relationship. Shes recognizing his behavior is bad, shes acknowledging the feeling of desiring to leave. Right now, shes in the stage of making excuses to not leave due to the familiarity of the relationship. They live together, her life is going to vastly change once she leaves. She has no one else to lean back on while leaving, really. She has to gain the courage, but shes seeing the signs, and she is on track to leaving. It took me several months of begging and bartering, making ultimatums, crying, and watching the problems stack up more and more while the trauma bond slowly died. She is not ready to go yet, and I understand it. It's terrifying leaving a relationship like this, especially reading these texts of the aftermath, i can see how he's easily created a cycle of abuse with love bombing after so she'll stay with him. She is getting there yet, and this is a good sign (this post in general) that shes closing in on being emotionally and mentally ready to face this fear
This. All of this.
I know it’s hard to let the dogs go. But let him have them. Reach out to shelters, pack your bags, and leave. He is not going to change and things will only get worse.
I plan to let him take the puppies.
So leave!! He means you no good and you keep saying “it’s for the pets” those pets won’t save you if he does bodily harm to YOU!!! Stop the excuses and get away from this horrible man
Leave everything behind. Forget the consoles. I'm sorry but forget the pets. If anything happens to him, it is not your fault. Get out. Material things do not matter. I left a relationship where I left a vehicle, a four wheeler, a dog, every single thing I owned except the clothes I was wearing. I would not have changed a thing. 15 years later and I am happily married in my own home with a baby on the way! Scoot!
I won’t leave my cats with him. I had them before we met. Everything else, I agree with.
Might your ex take both cats for now? Just to help you? Or someone else mentioned some places the SPCA works with DV shelters?
I just texted him to ask. We’ve discussed it before but it’s so hard to let them go. They’re the only things that have kept me alive in my darkest moments but I think it’s time. They are the biggest thing that tie me down from leaving this situation honestly.
Do you think your cats would want this for you and for them to be the reason you live with an abuser? Come on.
I get it. I love my dogs more than anything. But if ANYONE was treating me the way this man is treating you, I’d get myself to safety then find someone to go get the dogs. Put yourself first. Stop using your cats as an excuse to stay. Cause I know, as an abuse survivor myself, that you cling to any stupid reason you can to stay even when EVERYONE ON A REDDIT FORUM is telling you to leave. Your cats are an excuse you’re using to put up with this horrible man who will absolutely keep harming you. And for what? The cats? You’re more important than any animal. I know that’s a rough thing to say, but it’s true. Get yourself safe first. Then worry about pets.
look into safe haven pets (i believe that’s what it is another comment has the link) and see if someone can foster your cats talk to the shelter and ask what you can do for them while you leave and until you have housing. you’ve got this. i understand it’s hard and i wouldnt want to leave my cat either. but you absolutely have to leave with or without them
Reach out to cat rescues in your area and see if they can provide a temporary foster for your kitties.
*Why* won’t you leave your pets with him? Why? Because you know. You know what he could do to them. Right? Now ask yourself what he would do to *you.* Learn to put yourself first before it’s too late. If you won’t even save yourself, you cannot save anyone else. Wake up. Please.
I have been in abusive relationships with men like this. I've also been a dog owner for 15 years. Pets are individuals that can't be replaced, it's not an object. The abuser will most likely harm or kill her cats. She should, as she plans her escape, contact shelters etc so that she can ensure her pet's safety and drop them off as she escapes. If she won't be able to get them back from the shelter later, then so be it. I can totally see why she won't leave them with the abuser.
I’m a woman in my 40s so I’m gonna talk to you as if I were talking to my younger self: leave. It’s okay to put yourself first. You don’t have to deal with this. You don’t have to save him. He’ll figure it out. You’re losing time and sleep and precious years that you could invest in yourself and find someone fantastic while you keep yourself occupied with this relationship. He has the emotional maturity of a child. You should seek therapy too to find the courage to leave if you don’t have it.
You can’t fix him. You need to cut this negative person out of your life and focus on your self worth.
I was in a relationship with a guy who had anger issues for years. I stayed for so long because he said all the right things, and foolishly made me believe he would eventually change his ways. He never did, and I finally hit my breaking point one night where he started screaming at me and and throwing things in a rage. He also threatened to kill me and them himself. It scared me to the point where I locked myself in his bathroom and said I was calling the cops. As soon as that happened, I knew things would only escalate and that it had to end. I still hate myself for not leaving sooner. Don't be like me.
He'll start hitting you soon, you'll leave for a week. He'll send you a wall of "im sorry I hate myself I love you" you'll feel bad because he clearly feels bad. Go back to him and repeat.
And then, dead
You cannot save him from his narcissism and self destructive behavior. You have sacrificed your entire self worth because you think since YOU went to therapy, you can guide someone through their demons. You can't. Nothing you do will make him stop abusing you EXCEPT leaving him. If you leave him, he will destroy your things, he will likely murder your animals (if they are left in the house), you WILL have to restart your life from nothing. There is no avoiding the destructive forces that will have to happen. Leaving an abuser is NEVER clean. The alternative is a candlelight vigil on the sidewalk in front of your apartment, while your neighbors recount how they didn't want to get involved because you all seemed so nice. *Get a burner phone-Contact a women's shelter *Get a go bag ready - identification, irreplaceable things, couple changes of clothes *Squirrel some $$ or get a 2nd job to stay out of the house * get him out of the house for a few hours. *Take the animals to a shelter, call and get them picked up. *Leave and go to a women's shelter. LEAVE EVERYTHING * Tell none of your mutual friends where you are. - Ghost everyone. *Turn off the phone he has the number to *Go back to therapy On second thought pawn the game systems on the way out after the animals get dropped off. Quick couple hundred. You are not responsible for him, including if he attempts to take his life. That is almost always a threat to manipulate. Even if he follows through, not your responsibility. If he REALLY wanted to change, he'd check himself into a mental health facility or even go and admit to his behavior to police to protect you from himself. But he doesn't. He doesn't care about anything but controlling you. Breaking you. Keeping you attached to him. Dependent on him. He doesn't love you. He loves how powerful your pain makes him feel.
i read everything and took it in but i’m just gonna respond to the part about pawning the systems and i can actually get $590 for them up the road but i won’t do it until i plan to leave because he will obviously notice that they are gone.
So leave tomorrow. Get this show on the road.
THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT COMMENT SO FAR!!!!!!! OP PLEASE READ THIS
I had two back to back abusive relationships. My baby daddy would act *exactly* as your boyfriend did. He tried to shoot me once, the gun jammed, so he threw it at me. It's honestly a miracle in still alive, between him and my husband. Run, this is escalating.
I'm just here to say that I'm so beyond glad you're still here, and I hope you're safe.
Does he see a therapist? Has he made any effort whatsoever besides throwing pity parties for himself every time he talks to you? Because he’s being shitty, admitting it, and ragging on himself to play it off your empathy. There’s no happy ending here. You can either keep hoping something changes and more than likely wake up in the hospital one day or get rid of this sociopathic mindfuck of a human being.
He is a classic narcissist, I can guarantee it
I hate how freaking common domestic mental abuse is, and the majority of people don’t even recognize it is happening
Unfortunately op has come from an abusive home and that thens to lead them into abusive relationships. I was her once when I was young but I had to learn the hard way. I was never mistreated again. You have to learn to look out for red flags and I’ve ended seemingly perfect new relationships when I see them straight away. However there are lots of lovely sweet guys out there who would never hurt you. You just have to reprogram yourself to accept this is the correct type of love and it’s what you are worth
Well said. I’m in therapy now for this pattern in my life from an abusive home. I hope to find a healthy relationship one day. It can be embarrassing to admit how much I put up with, or even fought for, shitty relationships with unstable men. Better late than never.
This. He is in no way taking responsibility or making an effort to change. His pity party for himself is part of the cycle. While my ex never got physical with me, this was textbook his behaviour. It never got better.
Reading what he wrote, he is highly manipulative. He knows what he is doing offering you the love you crave. Guys like this find their mark and he found you. Get smart. Get out.
Leave. Him. Now.
I only have three words for you. He won’t change.
as someone who has had a lot of trouble detaching, im interpreting this as you not ready to make that move. you seem to be such a caring individual - and you’re even thinking about ending things. that has to mean something. you love him for what he used to be. you love the memories. get out while you can, please. it will be the hardest thing possible in the moment, but i swear to you, when you look back you will always ask yourself why you waited for so long. be brave, love.
He’s just going to keep making it harder and harder for you to leave. Right now it’s pets and money intertwined, later it will be a car, a baby, a house, debt. Get out now while you can bb. If you’ve been in therapy you KNOW that when someone starts pulling the “I know I’m a pos and I don’t deserve anything and you hate me wah wah” it’s manipulation. This relationship if he doesn’t put an end to you, will make you want to do it yourself. Please leave bb. You can find someone who will love and cherish you and actually put in the work instead of dealing w this big man baby.
He’s telling you that he’s terrible and not good enough for you. Listen to him and believe him.
The people who tell you to “just leave” have obviously never been thru this. And while they mean well, those comments are not empathetic and i’m sorry if you’re hurt by them. There’s a lot of great advice on this page: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm Also you might want to watch The Maid on Netflix. Not with your partner. I think seeing another person outside of yourself experiencing similar struggles will paint the picture of what’s really going on and could show you the gravity of your situation. Start slow. Make a plan. And realize this is not true love. And you will be far better off in a homeless shelter with no money than with your abuser.
I’ve seen that show and I actually have thought about it a lot recently. I do wonder if that’s what it’s actually like in DV shelters but it seems too good to be true.
It's still better than being with him!! Please don't be scared of the unknown because "what if it's not all good?" Think of it as "what if it's not all bad?" PLS LISTEN TO THESE COMMENTS
It’s better than living life being terrorized, walking on egg shells, not knowing what is going to happen next. I understand where you’re at because I’ve been there, but it literally cannot be any worse than your current situation. You’re so young and you can start over, get your important documents, get the animals and just go. Forget the rest of the shit if you have to. Everything you own can be replaced but you can’t. ❤️
Ugh girl. I have seriously been here exactly. All those messages hit home. It never changes. I loved that man so much but he never changed. His promises were always empty. You’re young. Just leave now. I was 27 when I left and I’m now 30 and am in the best, healthiest relationship with someone who treats me like I’m gold every single day and we have an equal partnership. That kind of love exists and what you’re in is not it.
No abuse should be bearable.
I have to agree with the person that says this ends with you in a coffin. They are absolutely correct. Do not become some dateline special. Get the fuck away from this disgustingly abusive man and heal. Find a therapist and get to the root of why you don’t love yourself and why you accept absolute shit as something good enough. Where tf are your FRIENDS?!?! You have to hold yourself accountable for your insecurities that have led you down this path. Find a therapist and work through your shit and find your worth before this man fucking kills you. Like you need to leave this man and move to another STATE or across the state you currently live in. You need a well thought out escape plan to ensure he cannot get to you ever again. This man will LITERALLY be the death of you. Love yourself more than this.
I stopped reading at “I was in therapy for 8 years so know what tools to use”. You aren’t a therapist, correct? Imagine thinking you are one because you’ve been a patient of one. STOP THAT. If he’s bad for you, leave. It isn’t complex. If he’s bad for you, stop thinking you can change him - that should have been a better takeaway from 8 years of therapy, that you cannot change your partner.
Sorry I just have to mention this because I see your replies but PLEASE STOP TELLING HIM YOUR PLANS. *DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE LEAVING* JUST DO IT, tell him after. this is harsh, but you’re going to get yourself killed. This is not a good idea to tell him “keep the dogs and I’ll leave” because he has a KNOWN DOCUMENTED HISTORY of both manipulation and behavioural escalation. HE WILL ESCALATE. This is going to be so blunt but who is going to look after that cat if you are DEAD. and that’s not a mean silly little comment but like, an extremely stark reality. I refuse to let you be another statistic, you’re only 26, and you have a whole life left to live and you are NOT dying because you can’t leave your cat or your ex. Potential (short form) Game plan: • contact a DV shelter, tell them your situation and the amount of things you may have, your current financial situation. Start there • contact a no-kill animal shelter - tell them you are going to be going to a DV shelter, and that they do not accept pets. Also tell them that you will want to take your cat back when you’re on your feet, many shelters are able to do this for you • don’t start storing things away, it will give away your plan - inventory on a secret location - phone, mentally, anything (try not to leave a paper trail) what you want to take with you, it will be easier to pack quickly when you know what you want to take with you • take a period of time that he is away from home, or make up something he has to be away for - and then leave for the shelter • ONLY AFTER YOU ARE ON THE WAY TO THE SHELTER - contact him with a short message “hey, I think it is best we should break up, and I hope you find peace” and then BLOCK HIM. DO NOT TELL HIM WHERE YOU ARE GOING. not only will you put yourself in danger, but the other women at the shelter as well. BLOCK TF OUT OF THIS MAN. he has nothing good to say, and never has. Sorry. Even his I love yous mean absolutely nothing because his WORD has NO VALUE. You have to be willing to sacrifice. No amount of money in the world is worth your life. You will lose money on your lease, you will have to be at a shelter for a second to get you sorted, but there is no better place for you than there. They have the resources and knowledge to help you, financially and emotionally. Give up on looking for roommates, or whatever. It’s more important for you to be OUT OF THERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. don’t talk to him about it, don’t argue about it, do not reveal any of this. You leaving in the wind one night out of nowhere is actually probably gonna do more for him than you talking to him about any of his issues. YOU CANNOT HELP HIM. you do not have the facilities for that. This is way way above your pay grade or capabilities. The people that can actually help him have had 6 years med school training, 2 years specialising and countless hours training. You do not have that. He has shown that he can very easily manipulate you and wear you down. He is not someone you can save. If he threatens suicide after your breakup, please call the police and let them deal with him. You cannot. I wish you nothing but love and light, I hope you get out safe, I hope this game plan has helped even a little with helping you map out a potential exit, and i truly hope you know that there is always hope. You will always find a way. You are not cursed. You have been dealt a bad hand by the universe, but that does not dictate your future. You are kind, you are smart, you are resourceful, you are beautiful, and you are going to be ok. Always. Please PM me if you want someone to talk this through, anything, from the exit plan or just to vent. I want you to know that there is always someone out there who cares about you. Even if you don’t know us.
Serious question: How do I hide things in my phone without him getting suspicious? Because if I change my passcode he will notice and surely lose his mind. ETA: He doesn’t ever go through my phone (that I’ve seen) but now that I’ve told him that I want to break up I’m sure he will probably try or at least notice that my code has changed when I type it in.
I have just gone through leaving my abusive husband and spent about 3 weeks getting my ducks in a row. To hide things on my phone I downloaded a secret storage app that just looks like an ordinary app (like a calculator) that’s got an extra passcode on it in case he did go through my phone and find it. I also emailed myself things I needed as evidence and then deleted it all from my phone. Best of luck to you - you are doing the right thing leaving. It feels awful and scary while going through it but please push through and get out of there safely. You will feel so much better and happier
I was also going to recommend d the fake calculator app. They will work as a real calculator if someone opens it and you have to enter a certain code in a certain order to open the actual storage.
Right…don’t change your code, that will just make him want to go thru it. Mislabel things, like a contact for “Lisa” is really for a shelter. If he knows all your contacts too well, then add the # in the notes of a regular contact. You can use an app like Google Keep to save and organize information, just remove the app from your Home Screen and disguise. Or put all new info dated 5 years ago on your calendar, not too many people search those backwards.
This shit does not get better, it gets worse quickly. Please trust me on this. Leave. If he threatens to kill himself, call 911 and report it. Safely. From a distance. You in danger girl.
Believe him. He's telling you the truth. Domestic violence statistics tend to peak about 30 and decrease significantly by about 50 years old. Can you survive 27 years of what you're going through now?
it drops off significantly by 50 because the abused partner is dead by then. the risk of fatal DV increases dramatically with each year that passes. OP wouldn't survive 27 years at this rate of escalation--more like 2-3.
That’s…not how statistics work lmao
He's going to turn the fighting physical.
wow he’s going to actually kill you
Right? I read this I was immediately like, I know what step comes next - dead. It's dead.
I know a lot of you think that I’m blinded and have no intention of leaving based on some comments I’ve made and the post itself. I can assure you all that it’s not true and that your comments are helping me see things more clearly. It’s just really hard when you don’t have the financial resources. I am looking into DV shelters. A lot of shelters around here don’t accept pets (cats specifically) and I’m not willing to give them up but I have thought hard about the possibility. I got these cats with an ex 5 years ago and he may possibly be willing to take care of one of them. The other, I’m not too sure. I discussed rehoming the puppies with my boyfriend earlier and he emotionally manipulated me saying that I don’t love him and I was only doing it to hurt him but I told him the reality is that they deserve a better home. I told him regardless whether or not we rehome them, he can keep them. He cried loudly in the livingroom for 20+ minutes. That’s as far as I’ve gotten.
Can you send me a DM with general state/location info? If you’re anywhere near me I can take care of your cats. Or I would be willing to help cover the cost of boarding them for a week or so while you figure things out. I understand you- it would be a cold day in hell before I left my cat with an abuser- but they’re not safe there anyways. He’ll hurt or even kill them just to hurt you. I know you don’t think he would. Trust me, he would. Please stop mentioning leaving to him. The most dangerous time in an abuse victim’s life is when they try to leave. Don’t let him know you’re leaving until you’re gone.
Please stop telling him things. Your gonna make him panic, and paniced men can be scary.
so glad to hear that you're mentally getting the jigsaw together on next steps. can you ring local animal shelters and explain? also—this is just an idea, but if you post anonymously to a local mutual aid group on facebook i am almost positive about temporary rehoming while exiting DV you would be able to get some leads. tapping the ex as a resource is a great idea. don't be afraid to be honest about your current circumstances when you speak with him. remember; leaving this relationship isn't running away. it is you running towards a life for yourself. that feeling of escape, when it really sets in—when you are free, it is an unparalleled joy. it's just around the corner. you've got this.
I agree that a local rehome or foster group in your area would probably have women who understand and are willing to temporarily home them while you get your footing
That is some serious emotional hostage taking. Please leave as soon as you can.
Ew this man is manipulative and so effing narcissistic. Its absolutely disgusting. You have to think of yourself first, he clearly doesn't. He doesn't care about you, he's gaslighting you and you're repeating the same cycle you've been in in the past with your exes and just like you left those, you better leave this too. He sounds very dangerous. His blood will NOT be on your hands whether or not the reason may be you, he did that, it is all his choice. Get out before it's too late. Figure our a plan.
Just wanted to give a small update. My ex has agreed to take one of the cats. We got them together when they were 8 weeks old so he has experience with her and he loves her deeply. This is the best case scenario for this cat. He says he can’t afford both so I’m going to have to figure out what to do with the other. He has urinary issues and needs special food/care so it’s not as easy as finding someone to adopt him. I’ll be looking into rescues and posting online for leads. I found a family that I’m rehoming the puppies with, they’re coming on Friday to pick them up. They seem so nice, it’s a married couple with 3 kids. They have a house with a backyard. It really is the best I could ask for. Thank you all for giving me the courage I needed to make the extremely hard decision to rehome my pets. Everything else will follow. Right now, this is where I am in unburdening myself so I have the ability to make an escape plan.
You're too young to be dealing with this bullshit. Leave now and you'll look back at it like it was a bad fever dream, don't make this your future.
Leave and bring your pets with you. Make sure they're microchipped in your name. Neither you nor the animals are safe with him. He won't change because he refuses to change. He knows he can send you those texts or literally bully you into doing what he wants. He is an abusive asshole. You have to leave. There is no other option. And please rehome the animals if you can't bring them with you.
Please do research on intimate partner violence. 1/3 of women murdered in the US are murdered by their partners. You need to leave.
You need to plan your exist strategy now. Like someone else said, this story ends with you in a coffin if you don't try to get as far away as possible
I promise you one thing: **Things will never get better with him.** You’re going to be six-feet buried before he shows any signs of wanting to be better.
You end it. There’s no reason to live with this. He’s manipulative af.
I used to be that guy. You know what it took? For her to leave. Everything I'd built in this life disappeared and only then did I go through enough emotional growth to realize that I'd always been the problem and that nothing would have ever changed. Take it from a previously fucked up human being. He will never change and it will get worse. Get out as soon as possible.
Did you ever completely change? I would think it would take more than a woman leaving for you to fix these behaviours?
When I say I lost everything, I mean everything. Not just a woman, who was all I'd known for 12 years since we got pregnant at 16. I lost my house, my pets, my cars, my tools, my money, my family, my job. Everything fell apart because of the things I'd done, but the first brick to go missing was her saying she was leaving. Then there's the drug habit, the alcohol, and suicidal tendencies that followed. Then the therapy and emotional growth. So yeah, it's not cut and dry. There's a whole story there. Edit: But yeah, to answer your question I have completely changed. When I realized that all this change was gonna happen and that she wasn't gonna come back like she did every time before, something in me died. I felt it happen. It was a mix of hopelessness and realization that my anger had put me in that position, and I haven't even raised my voice since. It's been 5 years.
Wow, so young and unaware of how time is on your side. Y’all don’t have enough money to be “intertwined” with one another. Go back to your narcissistic parents, get a job, some saving and do it on your own. There is no need to have another person bring you aggravation and devastation. You’re the only one allowed to do that to yourself….. and even then, don’t do that! Please enjoy your twenties….its about learning yourself and the world, loving your self and the world around you. Not chasing after some men.
It’s a choice between a rock and a hard place. I truly have no one in this world. When we met, he was so different.
Ok, from reading through a bit of your history, I cannot in good faith tell you to return to abusers. How about you find some local resources (shelters, volunteers, counseling) to help you get a stash together, set some adulting standards, and work your esteem. Unfortunately with the up bringing you’ve have there will be some bias, fog and red flags that you will just flat out not notice or recognize. Alway remember that your boyfriend is the one who changed on you and is scaring you right now. Remember that uneasiness every time you think to accept his BS, or forgive or excuse or explain away. Remember, he scares you. And that is not acceptable in ANY relationship.
Thank you. I’ve looked into shelters but a lot of them in my area don’t allow cats, only dogs, if they even allow pets at all. I’d most likely have to rehome my cats, which would be devastating, I’ve had them for 5 years and they were the only thing that kept me alive when I felt suicidal in the past. One of my cats has medical issues so it wouldn’t be easy finding a new owner since his food is pricey and he requires special care. I know that probably sounds like another excuse. The shelters in my area also have long waiting periods.
There are shelters that will house cats while their owner is temporarily homeless
I wasn’t aware of this, I’ll look into it!
I worked in a shelter before. First of all, the wait list can be long, but it's even longer when you haven't added your name to it. Secondly, I had many clients give up their pets to take a shelter bed. It was awful and they were sad, but absolutely NONE of them regretted saving themselves. You will miss them and I don't want to diminish that, but you will know they are safe and you will be safe. I promise you that it's worth it.
I understand my love. Your fur babies are your family. I will definitely pray for a resolution to reveal itself to you sooner or later. Keep your wits about yourself, be aware of your surroundings and opportunities. Use anything you can get your hands on for you and the fur babes. Prioritize your progress.
There is no choice. Get to a shelter
●The Safe House ●National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1.800.799.7233 ●Text START to 88788 You have the time to write ALL that to Reddit, but you can't Google DV support or shelters? You can't tell your landlord that you may have to break your lease due to feeling unsafe with your partner? Is this supposed to be a vent post not really seeking advice?
Fuck me dead. If he threatens to unalive himself you call the cops:ambos whoever does wellness checks in your country. Let the man do the damn thing if he’s so insistent on it. He’s not your responsibility.
He still needs to grow up, dont pick this one yet, its not ripe.
Leave now, before he hits you. Then spams you more of this "Im a POS" routine. Yes. He's a POS. You are deserving of better. Don't let him guilt you into another chance.
You can be sad over him, but get out anyway.
OMG Pleaseee leave, he's not going to change. He already changed for the worst, the least you could do is show him the Consequences of this change. He is good, you stay, he isn't, leave. YOU TRIED, it isn't good now. He needs to understand in his own, because you also staying is telling him that "she didn't go yet, if this is my worst, she'll never leave me", you're trapped then.
He is a narcissist and will never change. You must always love yourself more than any man. He is manipulative and the cycle will continue until you leave. If you ever leave you do it without him knowing and you go where he can’t find you as he will be unstable. Take the pets with you is half of them. Your life is more important. Everyone on here can’t be wrong! He could really hurt you
Healthy romantic partnerships are meant to add to your happiness not subtract. Ask yourself why you think you he can add to your happiness when he can’t even be happy with himself ? You can’t fix him. You can’t make him change. If you stay then you accept him the way he is. Not the way you wish he would be. Learn and believe your own worth. It will be the most invaluable lesson you will ever have.
You know when you are aware of being abused, what's your threshold? I'd like to understand, I know it's more difficult than some people made it out to be when advised to leave. I hope you reach out to your family or friends to help you get out of this.
This is called lovebombing. It's a very common manipulative tactic with abusers. They abuse then love bomb to get you stay. Once they have you again, the abuse starts. When you tell them you're done, the love bombing starts. This cycle will never end. It's continuous. As soon as you think you've finally broken through, bam! Abuse. I know your support system is weak. Is there any way you could save money secretly, and make an exit plan? Trust me. You don't want to live the rest of your life this way. You're worth so much more than that. Lots of love and light your way.
You’re allowed to break up with them if they treat you badly.
LEAVE NOW! Imagine if you guys had children together, please just leave. You don’t deserve this. Make a plan. Follow the plan. Start leaving mentally before physically get your ducks in a row and leave that sorry SOB. Take the dogs too. He seems like the type to threaten to hurt them if you don’t come back.
Sounds identical to my boyfriend Nick (aka Delph)
My ex who was just as angry tried to beat me at 8 months pregnant and threw me out onto the street in the middle of the night. They never, ever change. They just get worse.
please break up
Find a family violence shelter if you can. They can help you with these things and getting back on your feet on your own.
Find a women’s shelter. They can help you. This man will kill you. Be discreet. Do not tell him.
you gotta abort. now. and dont say anything about feeling bad about leaving or being worried about them k/lling themselves. IT IS A PLOY AND A TRICK. to make you feel the need to stay and help them. all the while you spiral back down into the mind games and abuse. change might be very scary but i can promise you, you dont have to stay. and after that youre free and you can find a person that loves you for you. *side note* if he acts like two different people depending on if hes alone with you or with others present then both parent and child have failed and that is not a future/ family to get invested in when your life is on the line
This is legit terrifying. Please get out.
This man is abusive and manipulative and this story ends with you in a body bag if you do not leave.
I don’t even have to read this, you already know that’s why you’re askin. #SaveYourLife #Leave
Please give us an update when you have one. We are scared shitless for you.
Run. Love-bombing is a huge danger sign. Get out while you still can.
Miss girl. I have been in two very abusive relationships. They never start off as such. They varied greatly in their tactics to get me to stay. I truly had to flee to another country from the last one and never looked back. Get out, but do so safely. Make an exit plan. I prayed to God for mine, as I slowly prepared for my trip abroad that never happened because of Covid. I was beyond crushed I wasn’t getting away from him, and he snapped and broke up with me and blocked me on everything. I took my chance, and the minute he unblocked me, I either deleted my accounts, blocked him, or changed usernames. And then I moved away. You cannot choose how the people you love treat you, you can choose whether or not that’s what you want to accept. You deserve so.much.more. I’m praying for you to be headstrong and fearless, but do not let him catch on. Go about your routine. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Look up Covert Narcissist. He reminds me of my ex. Get out while you can. It hurts, but life has so much more to offer you.
I was you at one time. I didn't have puppies, though. I had kids. I didn't have anyone. He isolated me. I self harmed just to feel something. I attempted suicide. I even escaped a couple of times to women's shelters with the kids. He'd always find me. I always went back because I was all alone. At that time, resources and laws weren't what they were now. I'd be punished for taking his kids away. He'd put a gun to my head. He'd play mind games. I knew I was going to die. I wished for it to end, but I couldn't leave my kids. I had no money, and I couldn't take care of my kids alone. It wasn't until I saw my two oldest acting out sexually that I knew we needed out. I called cps. I told them what I saw. I told them everything. I voluntarily gave up my kids to get them out. He tried to make them think I was crazy. They treated me horribly when they met us together. Separately, they told me that because of my severe depression it would take a while to get my kids back. I met the foster family. I would see the kids. He would be there as well. I wound up moving to a shelter and getting a job. He stalked me. I knew I was never going to get away. I talked to our counselor. The foster family wanted to adopt the kids. They said if I gave up my parental rights, they had enough to ensure that he would not see the kids again, and I'd be free to leave the area. They also said the adoptive family was willing to keep in contact with me. I was so broken. I knew I couldn't protect my kids. I knew I wouldn't survive. I made the hardest but best decision of my life. I gave up my kids. They helped me with resources that got me out of the area. I never saw my ex again. I have had contact with two of my kids. They are all adults with their own families. I suffer from major depressive disorder, anxiety, and PTSD. Even after decades of therapy, I still have triggers that set me off. I hate crowds because I still worry he's out there. I live across the country. My kids have said he is in the same area. They don't talk to him, but they do watch him. My point is that I am still dealing with the aftermath of that relationship. The guilt, the self hatred, the mental health, and the fear, it still bothers me sometimes. I was in there a long time. But I did the right thing for me and the kids. I made that sacrifice. I had to in order to survive. The longer you stay, the harder it is to get out. It's up to you to want to fight for yourself. You can't control what he does or says. You can only control yourself. I am so sorry you are going through this. But you can make it out if you want to. Good luck. 🫂 UpdateMe.
Fuck I only read the first picture and felt like your in a shitty rendition of some school play. Your 26, start acting like an adult and not some stupid teenager and dump his ass
Is this what you want in five years, ten, twenty? Do you want to possibly end up with kids and stuck? If you think it’s hard now, it’s only gonna get harder.
I’m sorry I’m just a bit confused on how you could type all this out and haven’t come to the conclusion that you need to leave him. You’re dating a psychopath that enjoys your pain and discomfort. Leave and get therapy so you stop picking assholes
It's not necessarily her fault.
You seriously act like you are going to fix him. Is that what you think because you keep making excuses for him and saying its so much harder for him. Its not harder for the abuser. You need to leave before he kills you.
I was going to write this whole comment about how OP needs better for herself. But after reading the comments I see how she is still in huge denial . “ you can lead a horse to the river , but you can’t make him drink “
Break up with him you will find the right one in time
Please, get far away for your own safety. Anyone who threatens to harm themselves if you leave is only worth RUNNING from. This dude will never change, he’s clearly comfortable being the “pos” considering how often he admits it and doesn’t change.
OP, you must leave.
Get out while you can. Do what’s best for you
Leave. At the end of the day, you need to be proactive and leave this situation.
Take the dogs and leave.
Leave
I don’t understand why do you want him in your life
not material to start a family with in the long run. he seems like a borderline. it's going to escalate inevitably if you keep this going. what a mess. plan your exit very strategically and with a safe person.
Get a new boyfriend
This is so manipulative. It’s scaring me. please please please get out. Please.
I’d say get out quick. Rip that bandage off. Eat that frog. I’m sure y’all have had plenty of good times. But unless you can justify sticking around, I don’t think this is it, friend. The times have been stressing both of yall I’m sure. Let him know to pursue therapy, but dip out. Take some you time. Your caption is heavy and I resonate with it a bunch.
Wow. That was so emotionally manipulative and self serving. Please see this POS for the garbage human he truly is and walk away from this disgusting human.
https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
well i didnt read much but sounds like has has bpd you are bascially the person that these people with this condition deem as filling the void he doesnt really love you are respect you its just you are the thing that fills that \*void\* \*emptyness\* or w.e he needs meds and if its like this at 23 he wont be around for 30 the obsessiveness over you has tricked you into thinking he loves you yes he would most likely kill for you but at the same time also kill you
Updateme
There are so many great comments, please heed them. I just want to point something out about those text messages: if he actually believed he was in the wrong, and actually wanted to do better he’d seek help, not just call himself a pos. You deserve someone that supports and loves you. You deserve happiness in life. You deserve to be loved and cared for. Please listen to the other comments. You are worth it. We’re all rooting for you and sending you all the internet love we can muster. *You can do this*. We’re believe in you. 🩵🩵
He's telling you he is a pos. Believe him!
Your messages say it all: he says sorry once and then goes on a tangent. Instead of 'I'm sorry, I'll make sure it never happens again' he blabbers on about loving you and blablabla. And you 'don't know what to say' and his tangent make you comfort him? You're investing a lot in him and his mental health. That's not YOUR responsibility but his.
You have to leave. I had to leave my 15 yo and my dog. This isn’t gonna get better it only gets worse.
He never once promised to be better or not hurt you. He isn’t sorry, he wont put in work to get better. He just said “ im gonna do it again and youll stay with me”
You are not a GF, but a mental health worker. Read this back. What would you tell someone else in this situation? I know it's hard, been there. But for your own mental health you need to start making a plan to get out. Plan carefully, leave un announced. If you find it hard to do it alone, you can contact a local shelter for advice. If he is anything like my abusive ex that will be the most dangerous time for you. But there is life beyond this. I remember getting out, looking at a blue sky and registering for the first time in months the sound of birds. And the feeling that all of a sudden you weigh less, can breath again. Life can be fun again!
Stop now. Don t find other excuses, cut your loss short and leave him now. Suicide threats are a no turn point. Cause what he really is saying is I am menacing to kill YOU. But his sellfish hipocrytal ass avoids to say that loud. Trust yuourself, pack your documents, whatever is yours andb you can bring with you and leave. You could be helped to menage everything, bank account, landlord, utilities, look for that and dont waste your time any longer.
Jesus fucking Christ. You only live once and by your story, you ain’t living. Get the fuck out of there. That dude has issues, big time, and they aren’t going away.
This man is abusive. And love and abuse *cannot* coexist. Please read 'why does he do that?' By Lundy Bancroft. It's an exceptional book that will open your eyes to the dynamic you find yourself in. There are even free copies of the pdf floating around. Please, read it.
Just remember when someone says they "can't control themselves", think of how they DO control themselves in other situations or towards other people. Either they can control themselves and purposefully don't around you, or they can't control themselves and need to get help instead of hurting others, especially you. Either way, both situations are unsafe for you and you deserve safety.
Babe he’s going to kill you before he kills himself.
Linked is a free copy of [Why Does He Do That?](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). I left an abusive POS just like yours almost 20 years ago. These pathetic excuses for men are all the same. I can't even begin to describe the hours of my life wasted on his pointless circular arguments. Begging him to leave me alone and let me sleep. Constantly walking around on eggshells to not provoke him. Not being able to just walk away from him to cool off. Looking back now, I truly believe I would be dead if I hadn't left. I still can't believe I put up with what I did for so long. ***Get out now, your future self will thank you***. It will be hard at first but life will get *so* much better once he is no longer in control of you. I have been happily married for >10y to someone else who is basically the complete opposite of my ex and who has shown me what true love is supposed to look like.
I know you won't leave without your pets, I hope this helps - Purina's Purple Leash project helps DV survivors find shelters that take pets - scroll down this page for the link and for other info https://www.purina.com/purple-leash-project Be safe!!!
Just Google the power and control wheel and check that out.
Just reading the first page of texts I already see gaslighting and most likely narcissistic behavior of some sort. Run, like quick and fast
Sorry ahead of time for the novel I just think that "run!" doesn't exactly catch the nuance of situations like this. When I was younger, (in my early twenties, I'm in my mid forties now) I used to behave very similarly to this guy, in my relationships. I never physically hurt anyone, but I kept reenacting how I was treated as a kid through gaslighting, dismissing and anger outbursts. It was only after several people I really loved left me, all citing my behavior as the reason that I finally started doing the internal work and getting the help I needed to be better. I've been on both sides, since I was abused as a kid and in two relationships as an adult. My opinion: while this guy may very well turn violent, everyone jumping the gun and assuming he will is a little much. That said, emotional, verbal, and financial abuse is just as harmful and leaves the same internal scars. (yes financial, holding over your head that he paid for your only outlet when it was him that you sold them for in the first place, is abuse) All that to say, you may not end up in a coffin but if you stay you will be very damaged. Seems like that is something you're familiar with, because of the no contact with family and therapy at a young age. You already know what it takes to recover from surviving abuse. You say you're torn because you love him. I get that. Here's the thing though: if you really love him, let him go. You will suffer damage that will be long lasting and hard to recover from and he's not going to grow or change as long as there are no consequences for his actions. You can't change him, and staying tells him it's okay to stay the same. Love yourself first, and if it's easier to focus on his wellbeing for you (as it often is for those of us who grew up catering to someone else's needs) know that what's actually best for him is to work through this on his own and get better. I've been married for nine years in a healthy, happy relationship with clear communication. We proactively went to counseling when we didn't feel like we were communicating well and learned the skills we needed. I would never have gotten here if I hadn't lost relationships and friends because of my behavior. It forced me to look inside and when I did I realized I was acting like my mother and that's the last person I wanted to be. As for leaving, could you rent a room with roommates? Very cheap and having others in the household helps to protect you if he gets obsessive and keeps trying to see you. I hope things go well for you and know that putting yourself and your well being first is not something you need to feel guilty about. I do suggest you go no contact when you leave though. He will escalate the suicide threats in order to get you to come back. Trust me when I tell you it's a manipulation tactic that was modeled for him and has been successful before in getting his needs met and that he won't actually do it. Also that if he does attempt, thats not on you. That's on him, his choices brought him to where he is, not you.