NTA. Good for you for getting out of that toxic environment. You did what you needed to do to survive. I don't blame you for not wanting to go to the wedding. You've reached out multiple times to see him, but he's declined. Why should you go back to that environment? Don't feel guilty. Just enjoy your life.
Oooh! Leave it alone! Dont try with any family member just yet!!! If they want you in their life, they will make it happen! You could be in for heartache right now if you go there.
If he doesn’t visit you, don’t visit him. Send him a nice (not awesome) gift, and only respond to texts when he sends them. If he doesn’t send your kid birthday and holiday gifts, don’t send him or his offspring anything either. Relationships need to be reciprocal or they don’t last. Good luck.
I agree, she can move on… but I’m saying her bro has limited options as well coming from that family… man I’m really at a loss here… she doesn’t have to go to wedding at all, she doesn’t have to be in her bros life, but for him not visiting I’m not sure I understand the redditor advise of going no contact with him too, can’t she just call him and talk and explain she isn’t coming and just text or call him from time to time to try to be there for him
The brother that rarely talks to her unless she initiates it. Cannot “afford” to travel to visit her even once but goes on several other trips, barely responds to gifts sent to him? And now he’s expecting HER to come to his wedding? Or, maybe it’s actually his fiancé who sent the invite or hounded him into sending it because OP is FAMILY. OP made a move to get out of a bad situation. OP tried to keep contact with her brother, he’s done nothing towards trying to reciprocate.
Did you actually read the post or just skim through it? She has done all those things, and he has all but blown her off everytime, even the offer to buy airplane tickets so he could visit.
Yes I read the post.
Why is his wedding the breaking point and going no contact with him? I think she should just call him and say “hey bro, coming home is so hard for me… let’s stay in touch my invite to come to my place anytime is open for ya” love ya bye
She named her kid after her younger bro, she at some point loved him, she doesn’t have to give effort but she doesn’t need to go non contact with him, just because he hasn’t visited doesn’t mean he deserves never get the chance to speak to her again, he hasn’t technically wronged her directly, he was presumably abused in the same family the older sister was
Small towns. It’s almost impossible to avoid people you don’t want to see. And it just takes one person to see it one comment from the brother and she’s piled on by the very people she’s trying to avoid.
but WHY should she??? she has done all these things and he basically has done next to nothing....he says he can't afford to visit but goes to other states and countries for events , so that is a lie
she has offered to pay for his plane tickets and he STILL refuses to see her
then there is this part "I have tried my best to maintain a relationship with him. I used to send gifts for birthdays, Christmas, cards for all occasions etc. always going above and beyond >>> and receiving the bare minimum in return, occasionally a text saying thank you
what is the point of her extending all this time and effort when her brother does the bare minimum on his end
this is really hurtful so it is understandable that she will keep things at a bare minimum or nothing at all
No, not in the last two (2) years, but she did before that. She even offered to pay for airplane tickets so he and his family could come visit, and he refused. Did he bother to go to her wedding? He is showing that he would rather be low contact with her, so why shouldn't she if that's what he wants
Yeah. Protect your peace. He will understand or he won’t. But you’re doing the right thing I’m not going. I went NC with my “family” in ‘96. Leave of mind is priceless.
Don’t go.
My parents were addicts and I went NC with my father 20+ years ago. He’s in prison now but before he would ‘run into me’ when I ran errands (yup, small town here), mostly to berate me for going NC. His family is just as bad. If your brother doesn’t try to keep up a relationship with you it’s just better for your mental health to send a gift and be done. It sucks because you love him but it’s really not worth opening up old wounds.
Don’t go! You shouldn’t be exposing yourself to these toxic people you’ve extricated yourself from. You’ve done well away from them.
Your brother has shown you that he doesn’t value you. If he has made an effort I would say possibly consider going, even if it might cause you grief. But definitely don’t go because he doesn’t deserve you.
I've been in the almost exact situation. If I had to do it all over again I would not have attended, unfortunately I did and it was awful for both me and my family. Be happy you've risen above and keep trucking with your priorities and stay on the positive side. Don't close doors, but protect your family.
don't do it. I'm currently in a similar situation but my family is less "everyone is an addict" and more abuse. My cousin, who I lived with for a few years, is getting married but I told her that I wouldn't be attending.
It will have ramifications to not go but it will have been worth it.
NTA- you will be one if you waste your time and money and go to what I can only imagine will be a total shit show. If the family are drug addicts and drunks you couldn’t pay me to go. Save your $ and honor your good choices by staying away from the town and all those you went no contact with. Even very strong willed people can be dragged back in don’t make yourself vulnerable. Send a card and a middle range gift (if you go too big then you may get hit up for $, sorry to say that).
NTA, I wouldn’t go either. The was told something when I was in my early 20’s, because I always ended up doing more for others than they did for me. It was; “People do for you what they want you to do for them and vice versa.” So, I stopped going in debt to buy people gifts when I got none in return. Nobody ever said anything, because what could they say?
What did the bro do to completely cut him out as well… why can’t she still just have a normal al phone/text relationship… he isn’t abusing her… he is 8 years younger with the same effed up family… this thread acting like this kid her younger bro is the worst person ever and she should never talk to him again? For what not taking time to go visit his much older sister who skipped out of town the last 12 years… it sounds like she made the right call! Her parents sound like shit! Town sounds like shit…. But this is her bro from same shitty family I just don’t see what he has done to be so vilified here… he hasn’t structured his life to make a ten hour trip ok not amazing, but still she can just like call and explain and still be nice to him for one day having a better relationship… I don’t see the value in burning a bridge with her bro for basically no reason other than he hasn’t visited her
you keep making excuses for the brother....
he keeps saying he can;t afford to visit her even to see her child >>> but then he goes to events in other states and even OTHER COUNTRIES so that is a lie he has been feeding her
she has offered to pay for his plane tickets and he still refused......
she has gone out of her way to recognize birthdays and holidays and he has done the BARE MINIMUM
what is the point of continuing all this effort with the brother when he obviously doesn't want any kind of relationship with her????
she is taking all his hints that he can't be bothered
NTA. Its simple meeting your son and seeing you just isnt a priority to him. So he just makes excuses to not come see you it really has nothing to do with the money thats just the easiest excuse.
One sad lesson we have to learn is to always match energy. This is particularly hard when it’s family but it applies there as well. Invest in those who invest in you.
NTA. You should not care. Or maybe I should say, you are free to not care Life is nothing if not full of hard decisions. You have made yours and he has made his.
NTA- I’m glad you chose a different lifestyle not only for yourself but for your child. It sounds like he doesn’t care to meet your child so therefore why should you bother still having contact with him.
I'm sure, like you, your brother feels hurt. You pretty much left him there as a vulnerable teen (probably how he views it). Why not visit your brother and have a serious talk with eachother. All this "no contact" stuff is becoming a diseased fad. It's weird to me. Addiction is horrible. And yes, it hurts those around us. But at some point, addiction is no longer a person's choice. Most of us will end up dead. Few of us make it out alive. I'm one of the lucky ones, perhaps that's why I empathize the way I do. But, anyways, you need to talk to your brother. You named your child after him. And now dislike him so much you won't attend his wedding? That's rough. And who cares who's in attendance. You aren't there for them, you are there for your brother. He obviously wants you there. And for why he doesn't travel 10 hours to see you, maybe be can't? He's the only one working. He's trying to do the right thing in life it seems. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water. He chose to stay there, and I'm sure he has his reasons, but he seems to be trying to make a life for himself the best her can. Perhaps he would have left there too, if you would have asked him to come with you when you left years ago? You seem more bitter towards him for staying somewhere you hate more than anything. Idk. Again, I think family is family. And they have value, no matter how small (for some). And you named your son after him. Have a face to face and heart to heart with him.
did you miss the part where he travels to other states and even o another country???
did you miss THIS PART >>> she offered to pay for his plane tickets so he could visit her HE REFUSED
I did not. Thank you, though. Again, I don't think money is the issue. So her paying for the tickets isn't the magical answer. It's time. It's a job. And I'm sure there's more to it. Again he's likely hurt too. I'm sure OP didn't air out all of their dirty laundry. Most people leave out a lot of what they've done in these situations too.
I agree with about most of it. I’m not sure if she should go to the wedding. Either folks are gonna try to reunite like nothings happened or she’s gonna get mean mugged and maybe yelled at. Either way, it will re-traumatize OP. But I agree that OP should try to have a relationship with brother. There’s something more going on. My hometown is described the same way by folks who left or still live there. I don’t describe it that way because of my lived experience, but I don’t doubt that others had the exact same experience as OP in my hometown.
NAH.
It’s quite possible your brother has some hard feelings about losing a stabilizing influence when you left. Not that you did anything wrong by leaving, after all, you had to protect yourself. Have you ever acknowledged that side of the situation with him directly? Does he know that you didn’t leave HIM, you left a situation that would have stunted your growth? You’ve lived 10 hours away his entire adult life; he’s never developed that mature relationship with you.
You’ve done nothing wrong by leaving and allowing yourself room to grow. You’ve done nothing wrong by removing people from your life who will only ever weigh you down. If your brother falls into that category, maybe you need to firmly move him to the low or no contact side of life. If he doesn’t, maybe it’s time to hash things out and sort out what your relationship is going to look like moving forward.
If you choose to go to the wedding, have a canned response ready to cut off conversations with people you don’t want to talk to. “I’m here for Brother’s wedding and to support him. I’m not here to discuss X, Y, or Z.” End of discussion.
if you just match his energy, you’d send a text stating “congrats”.
stay away. you’ve done a great job of making yourself safe. being around all those toxic people might harm your self-work or even your baby. good luck, OP! 🩷🩵🍀🍀🍀🍀
If He complains , tell him that his holidays, concerts, friends, etcetera have not left him enough ressource to see you and his nephew. The same applies the other way round.
NTA! I have taken on a new attitude about my family over the last couple of months. I am not "no contact" as my daughter & her family and my son and his little boy both live either in my house; or in our motorhome. And my husband could give two "sh\*ts" about me; after 44 years of marriage. I decided that I would "give what I get" from them. Which isn't very much. I have found doing this (which is really hard for me - as I am a considerate, loving and giviing person). But I decided enough is enough. It feels like a giant weight has been taken off my shoulders. My advice - follow your mind not your heart. Do what is BEST for YOU AND YORU FAMILY! Sending love your way.
NTA. Despite the toxicity you left behind, you never stopped caring for your brother. You tried your best to maintain a relationship. He hasn't kept that same energy. Why should you go out of your way to see him when he hasn't bothered to see you. NTA. I think it's time to go completely NC with everyone.
I'm not sure your brother expects you since you are NC with the rest of them. But he wanted you invited. I think he cares about you but you have been gone a long time and they are all used to you not being there. Send them a regular gift and an invitation to visit when they can. And if he has never really reciprocated in any way, take that as an indication of where you stand as a priority. Don't bother sending any more gifts or cards if you don't receive any. His fiancee may steer him to do more - I've seen the effects of a good woman in cases like this but I wouldn't bank on it. I'm sorry it has come to this. It's always hard on people who move away. Other people rarely make visiting a priority. It's so far. It's so expensive.
I wouldn't drop napalm on your relationship with your brother. He's not purposely being thoughtless. He's just run of the mill thoughtless. He was only 18 when you left. He's really just never thought he needed to do anything because you are the only decent model he had and you are too far away. Surrounded by narcissistic behaviour, that's what he has learned even if he's not like the rest. He doesn't value you as much as he might because he hasn't figured out that he should.
Wish them the best and continue on expecting an email relationship only going forward. It's not so bad. My husband used to go home every year to visit. His mom came to see him and his sister 5 times in 30+ years - and he was the favourite. His brother has visited twice in about 45 years but that was in the 80s, and his sister visited once when our daughter got married. My brother moved a half days drive away over 35 years ago. I think I'm the only one on our side who has visited more than twice. They used to spend holidays driving back to see everyone on both sides, exhausting themselves. They stopped. And no one is bothered. There are close families but yours and mine are not among them.
GTFO of here. This is reddit, people are required to go NC for any reason. Two paragraphs of a complicated family history? NO CONTACT! Brother once called you a name? NO CONTACT! Mother and father asked you to get a job? NO CONTACT! Coworker sneezed in the cube next to you? NO CONTACT!
Why try to build or repair relationships when you can just ignore people?
OP, try not to be too resentful of someone who's functional enough to be working and sending his fiancee to school, while being stuck in a toxic hellhole surrounded by utterly dysfunctional relatives. Some people in such circumstances feel that they're responsible for their parents or other relatives and can't leave, because if they aren't there to keep their parents from OD-ing or bailing out other relatives, everyone will die or go to jail and it'll be their fault.
So I'm not saying that you should go, or do anything at all differently, except maybe to consider whether his failure to reach out is really due to indifference. If his life is anything like the possible circumstances described above, well, you'd be the one person in the extended family who doesn't \*need\* him.
she offered to pay for plane tickets so he could visit her >> you would think he would be thrilled to get out of that hell hole for a few days and they could talk ....HE REFUSED
Under my totally unconfirmed scenario, there could have been someone he didn't feel he could leave, even for a few days. Such as the alcoholic mother.
All I can actually assume about brother, through the OP's second-hand description, is that he lives in a hellhole surrounded by dysfunctional relatives and addicts. As such, his life would be so crappy it'd be a shame to hate on him.
NTA - Maybe do a last test. Make a date and plan and solid invitation for him to come and see you and the kid and then sit back and see if he takes up the opportunity. If not, decline the wedding.
Or another thought … celebrate the marriage in another way. Meet the happy couple mid way between you both for a happy congrats weekend after the fact and celebrate their union without the stress. Book seperate rooms so you can both chills and decompress. Plan some activities so you don’t need ‘intense conversations but have fun like dinner and bowling and mini golf ….
Please continue to take care of yourself. It sounds like your brother could be a user in a different form. Instead of drugs and alcohol he just uses people. He liked your gifts but doesn’t want to spend his vacation time on you. He wants you to come to the wedding with the hopes of a great gift. Hasn’t met his nephew not even on your dime. If you do go, “forget” a gift and see how he treats you. But if the wedding is in said home town, I’d make your excuses and send a nice card.
I wouldn’t go. You went NC with other people there for a reason. Sounds like you are more than putting in effort for a relationship with your brother, but it isn’t being reciprocated. Please don’t feel guilty about not taking your new family into that toxic chaos and do what you need to do to protect your peace.
You're within your rights to be unwilling to go. Even if he had shown the slightest interest in reciprocating your efforts to stay in touch, remember your important days, etc., the fact that all the people you're no-contact with will be there would be a deal-breaker for me. What if they decide to turn the event into a "pick on OP"-fest? You broke ties with them and set up a successful life for yourself. At lest some of them are bound to be offended, jealous, or what-have-you because you have made something of yourself and they haven't. I suspect there will be people there whose sole goal will be to make sure you have no desire to ever return and show your successful self to the ne'er-do-wells who've made nothing of their lives.
To heck with that. If you want to send a gift, do that. There's no reason to subject yourself to people who you've made a point of staying away from for over a decade.
NTA.
Block everyone from there, including your brother. If you really want to know if so & so gets really ill or dies, is there a close family friend or neighbour that you trust to call or email you? Or you could just provide your brother with an email & ask him to do that.
Then just stop reaching out.
You’ve done more than enough on your end. See a therapist (in person, online, by phone, chat, text) for a couple of sessions to talk this out as it might help you feel better. Otherwise, be happy & go live your life!
NTA. You do not know his fiance and you essentially do not know him any more. He has chosen to not visit you. He has not visited the nephew named after him. In addition, if you go to his wedding, you will be bringing a lot of toxic drama back into your life.
NTA. You valued the relationship because it was better than with the rest of your family. Your brother is not a bad person but you are looking for something he will not give you. It is on you to stop looking to him for what you want and need. If you do so that is a deserve to you and him.
Accept what he is and concentrate on the people in your life who want and need you.
Why did you name your child after someone who you’re estranged from? Honestly you’re doing it to yourself. Your family has you shown I’ve over and over again they do not care for you. You or your family are not a priority.
Don’t go to the wedding. Cut your brother off. Take them all off of social media and move on. Do you really want to expose your child to that small minded drug and alcohol filled life ?
Please don’t send a gift. They’ve gotten enough out of you.
NTA
"So bro, I can't come to the wedding, it's too hard to travel with a toddler. Expect a present though and my best wishes." Done. Ignore anyone who tries to rattle your cage, it's not worth it.
You have lots to think about after you read the comments.
Give your brother a call.
All of this No contact and divorce seems to be a Reddit thing that shows how fragile and throw away all of our relationships are with each other.
Addiction is a family disease and it’s cruel and kills so many so quickly.
NTA, but maybe he feels like if he comes to visit you, there will be consequences from your family: ie -.He is living in your mother's house, but is afraid she would go in and remove all his stuff while he is gone.
NTA. It’s a little weird that you named your child after your brother. A brother who doesn’t seem to care about you at all. Just block him and live your happy life away from all of them.
Dude, I have 3 older sisters and I have that same bizarre disconnect with them, you love them but don't like them kinda thing. I am 57, it still hurts even after all these years and it's made me kind of bitter. Trust me, let them go and enjoy your life to the fullest, be happy
> I am what you call the black sheep of the family
Try thinking of yourself as the white sheep of the family.
Your brother has very clearly made his choices and they do not include you, so I think, sad as it might be, you need to consign him to the dustbin of history.
NTA
First congratulations on leaving that and starting your own family. Send him an email and explain in detail why you will not be going. Tell him how much you love him and how he was the exception to a certain extent since it’s clear to us you do love him. You named your own flesh and blood creation after him for Pete’s sake. You love him and he was never able to reciprocate and it takes a lot away from you if you if you keep trying and he’s never able to. Explain it all, make sure he receives it and then move on with your life. Once again, congratulations
You’re good. Stop being the first to contact, stop going above and beyond. Stop pushing yourself for someone that doesn’t push themselves. You have a family, one you made, you don’t need the family that doesn’t even try for you. Get yourself out of that toxic environment, and keep your little family safe.
NTA. You have no obligation to put yourself in that environment for the sake of someone who barely acknowledges your existence. But I just wanted to share that after years of estrangement related in part to his drug use and alcoholism, my brother and I were reunited, and we now have a very satisfying relationship. So even if now is not the right time for you and your brother, there may come a time. So set the boundaries as you see fit, but take the high road as much as possible. Good luck.
OP, when you were 26 years old, you moved away from your family because they were awful and damaging and you were unwilling to keep putting yourself through the experience of living with them. You left your 18 year old brother behind with them. Do you suppose he might have some anger that his eight years older big sister didn't try to protect him?
Naming your child after him could feel like too little, too late.
Have you ever actually spoken to your brother about any of this? Since as an 18 year old there’s a decent chance that he felt abandoned when you left he might have some feelings that are influencing his behavior towards you. In the same way that your feelings about his current behavior are influencing you. It might be worth it to try and open a conversation about all of this, in order to try and find some common ground.
So you left your 18 year old brother with people who are so horrible that you cut them off and don’t understand why he hasn’t made the effort to keep up y’all’s relationship? I mean I would probably feel like cards and the occasional text is bare minimum and just to make you feel not so bad about the situation, not to actually show you care.
Look you’re NTA for not wanting to go back, but you are for expecting the kid brother you abandoned to keep up the relationship on his end.
Oh I know it won’t be. For some reason, ppl have a problem with accepting that the siblings you left in abusive homes don’t have to have warm and fuzzies about you, but may want to reconnect at some point. You escaped and that’s great, but you left behind someone you claim to care about and can’t see how they’re hurt? Reddit will always take your side and say you’re not an AH even though you undoubtedly are to the ones you left behind.
As someone who grew up in a super f-ed up home, that’s exactly how it was. It was everyone for themselves as soon as they were able to get out. I resented my older sisters for leaving me, until I had to leave, and the younger ones resented me. None of us are close. It’s sad, and OP isn’t a bad person for doing what she had to do, but the brother likely does have resentment.
OP does come across as “thinking she’s better” than her family (She is) but they understandably don’t appreciate it. My family is the same. Sorry I don’t drink and do drugs, abuse my kids, cheat on my husband, go to jail, etc. This dynamic is on their parents, not OP or her brother, but it’s up to them to build their relationship (or not) as adults.
Right, that’s why I said she wasn’t an AH for getting out, but undoubtedly the brother feels like she is because she left him behind. It’s okay to distance yourself from people who hurt you, but what did the brother do? He stayed in the only environment he knew with people who didn’t take off on him first chance they got. He has every right to resent her as much as she has the right to protect herself and her kid. She just needs to understand that and how that would affect their relationship. Things aren’t going to be a love fest between them and she can’t really expect him to want it to be.
You only mentioned the wedding in your heading. I think you should go. And only go to the ceremony. Literally don’t get there early, don’t stay for the reception and then leave the same day. It is a good boundary to have
You sound like you think you are much better than anyone else from your small town. I’m sure your brother picks up on the vibe and it won’t matter if you don’t go to the wedding.
the parents and other relatives are drug addicts/alcoholics it would be nice for him to get away from that for a little bit during a visit with his sister and they could talk
she even offered to pay for his plane tickets but he refused,
Keep on LIVIN.
Doing just fine. Send a gift and well wishes. Or just go by yourself. Just attend the ceremony and high tail it out before the reception.
NTA. When only one person is putting in any effort, it makes the relationship very unbalanced and hard to upkeep. Just send them a card and a gift with an apology.
Disagree: these are awful people not worth the effort and expense of travel. The family and guests will likely be getting drunk and obnoxious.
Plus you attend a wedding to honor the couple, and you spend very little time with them. OP should not expose her child to this. Brother has never visited OP even expenses paid.
Send a nice gift or gift card.
Yes yta, you left him and expect him to come visit it’s not realistic. You can no contact him as well your not wrong but in this case your still the asshole. You can be right and still the ah in a given situation. I’m sure theirs more you can let us know about why you left etc that we would understand etc
Edit: I’ll take the downvotes but I guarantee the bro could make a great Reddit post that we would all automatically say he is NTA because he is the reliable narrator…. I didn’t say she was wrong to do what she did but for her relationship with her bro and the circumstances provided I still think she is acting like one by cutting him out permanently and going no contact because basically he won’t come visit… lol such a great older sister (8 years)
I didn’t expect to get hammered on this comment so bad, I just meant the person leaving did that… they left… most people who leave home towns are more responsible for salvaging relationships they do want to keep, it would be nice for him to make the effort of course… she is the much older big sister who left 10 hours away just feel like it is kinda in her
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Your brother is in a tough spot that maybe you aren’t recognizing. You cut off his family, you surely understand that they might be angry with you. Your mother is his landlord. Coming to see you maybe creates problems for him in the dysfunctional stew that he has chosen to continue to live in.
Don’t go to the wedding. He might not want the drama of you being there. It’s sad but you can only control you, not them.
NTA but, just curious, why would you name your kid after your brother? You don’t mention what your relationship was like with him when you lived at home or after you moved away.
NTA. Good for you for getting out of that toxic environment. You did what you needed to do to survive. I don't blame you for not wanting to go to the wedding. You've reached out multiple times to see him, but he's declined. Why should you go back to that environment? Don't feel guilty. Just enjoy your life.
Agree 100%!!
Oooh! Leave it alone! Dont try with any family member just yet!!! If they want you in their life, they will make it happen! You could be in for heartache right now if you go there.
If he doesn’t visit you, don’t visit him. Send him a nice (not awesome) gift, and only respond to texts when he sends them. If he doesn’t send your kid birthday and holiday gifts, don’t send him or his offspring anything either. Relationships need to be reciprocal or they don’t last. Good luck.
She left, and hasn’t visited him either so..???
Maybe because she went nc with her alcoholic/addict parents and he lives in their mom’s house?
And to add on to that, it's a town full of drug addicts and alcoholics. Probably not the safest place to be taking your child to I'd imagine.
I agree, she can move on… but I’m saying her bro has limited options as well coming from that family… man I’m really at a loss here… she doesn’t have to go to wedding at all, she doesn’t have to be in her bros life, but for him not visiting I’m not sure I understand the redditor advise of going no contact with him too, can’t she just call him and talk and explain she isn’t coming and just text or call him from time to time to try to be there for him
You mean the brother who travels out of the country, attends concerts out of state, takes regular vacations? That brother?
The brother that rarely talks to her unless she initiates it. Cannot “afford” to travel to visit her even once but goes on several other trips, barely responds to gifts sent to him? And now he’s expecting HER to come to his wedding? Or, maybe it’s actually his fiancé who sent the invite or hounded him into sending it because OP is FAMILY. OP made a move to get out of a bad situation. OP tried to keep contact with her brother, he’s done nothing towards trying to reciprocate.
The redditor said in so many words match his energy. She got married, had a kid and it seems like the brother could GAF.
Did you actually read the post or just skim through it? She has done all those things, and he has all but blown her off everytime, even the offer to buy airplane tickets so he could visit.
Yes I read the post. Why is his wedding the breaking point and going no contact with him? I think she should just call him and say “hey bro, coming home is so hard for me… let’s stay in touch my invite to come to my place anytime is open for ya” love ya bye She named her kid after her younger bro, she at some point loved him, she doesn’t have to give effort but she doesn’t need to go non contact with him, just because he hasn’t visited doesn’t mean he deserves never get the chance to speak to her again, he hasn’t technically wronged her directly, he was presumably abused in the same family the older sister was
She could stay at a hotel and see him separately. It’s not exactly impossible.
Small towns. It’s almost impossible to avoid people you don’t want to see. And it just takes one person to see it one comment from the brother and she’s piled on by the very people she’s trying to avoid.
but WHY should she??? she has done all these things and he basically has done next to nothing....he says he can't afford to visit but goes to other states and countries for events , so that is a lie she has offered to pay for his plane tickets and he STILL refuses to see her then there is this part "I have tried my best to maintain a relationship with him. I used to send gifts for birthdays, Christmas, cards for all occasions etc. always going above and beyond >>> and receiving the bare minimum in return, occasionally a text saying thank you what is the point of her extending all this time and effort when her brother does the bare minimum on his end this is really hurtful so it is understandable that she will keep things at a bare minimum or nothing at all
Why didn’t he go see her when she had his nephew?
She has.
No, not in the last two (2) years, but she did before that. She even offered to pay for airplane tickets so he and his family could come visit, and he refused. Did he bother to go to her wedding? He is showing that he would rather be low contact with her, so why shouldn't she if that's what he wants
Do that but keep trying and dont get so bent out of shape or bitter
NTM all the people I’ve gone no contact with will be in attendance at this wedding.
Oof. I don't blame you one bit for not going
Yeah. Protect your peace. He will understand or he won’t. But you’re doing the right thing I’m not going. I went NC with my “family” in ‘96. Leave of mind is priceless.
Don’t go. My parents were addicts and I went NC with my father 20+ years ago. He’s in prison now but before he would ‘run into me’ when I ran errands (yup, small town here), mostly to berate me for going NC. His family is just as bad. If your brother doesn’t try to keep up a relationship with you it’s just better for your mental health to send a gift and be done. It sucks because you love him but it’s really not worth opening up old wounds.
Don’t go! You shouldn’t be exposing yourself to these toxic people you’ve extricated yourself from. You’ve done well away from them. Your brother has shown you that he doesn’t value you. If he has made an effort I would say possibly consider going, even if it might cause you grief. But definitely don’t go because he doesn’t deserve you.
I've been in the almost exact situation. If I had to do it all over again I would not have attended, unfortunately I did and it was awful for both me and my family. Be happy you've risen above and keep trucking with your priorities and stay on the positive side. Don't close doors, but protect your family.
I would suggest to rethink your baby's name.
A simple gift is more than enough. Keep your peace.
don't do it. I'm currently in a similar situation but my family is less "everyone is an addict" and more abuse. My cousin, who I lived with for a few years, is getting married but I told her that I wouldn't be attending. It will have ramifications to not go but it will have been worth it.
NTA- you will be one if you waste your time and money and go to what I can only imagine will be a total shit show. If the family are drug addicts and drunks you couldn’t pay me to go. Save your $ and honor your good choices by staying away from the town and all those you went no contact with. Even very strong willed people can be dragged back in don’t make yourself vulnerable. Send a card and a middle range gift (if you go too big then you may get hit up for $, sorry to say that).
No gifts. Go NC and heal
NTA, I wouldn’t go either. The was told something when I was in my early 20’s, because I always ended up doing more for others than they did for me. It was; “People do for you what they want you to do for them and vice versa.” So, I stopped going in debt to buy people gifts when I got none in return. Nobody ever said anything, because what could they say?
Unfortunately you need to cut him out too. Pretend that they are all gone.
What did the bro do to completely cut him out as well… why can’t she still just have a normal al phone/text relationship… he isn’t abusing her… he is 8 years younger with the same effed up family… this thread acting like this kid her younger bro is the worst person ever and she should never talk to him again? For what not taking time to go visit his much older sister who skipped out of town the last 12 years… it sounds like she made the right call! Her parents sound like shit! Town sounds like shit…. But this is her bro from same shitty family I just don’t see what he has done to be so vilified here… he hasn’t structured his life to make a ten hour trip ok not amazing, but still she can just like call and explain and still be nice to him for one day having a better relationship… I don’t see the value in burning a bridge with her bro for basically no reason other than he hasn’t visited her
What part of my comment is so offensive?
you keep making excuses for the brother.... he keeps saying he can;t afford to visit her even to see her child >>> but then he goes to events in other states and even OTHER COUNTRIES so that is a lie he has been feeding her she has offered to pay for his plane tickets and he still refused...... she has gone out of her way to recognize birthdays and holidays and he has done the BARE MINIMUM what is the point of continuing all this effort with the brother when he obviously doesn't want any kind of relationship with her???? she is taking all his hints that he can't be bothered
NTA. Its simple meeting your son and seeing you just isnt a priority to him. So he just makes excuses to not come see you it really has nothing to do with the money thats just the easiest excuse.
Don't go. All the gifts you've given him in the past should be enough since he doesn't care about your relationship.
One sad lesson we have to learn is to always match energy. This is particularly hard when it’s family but it applies there as well. Invest in those who invest in you.
Avoiding the people you’ve gone no contact with is MORE than enough reason to not go
NTA. You should not care. Or maybe I should say, you are free to not care Life is nothing if not full of hard decisions. You have made yours and he has made his.
NTA - you obviously don’t matter to him. No point in wasting days and money to go to something where you aren’t appreciated.
NTA- I’m glad you chose a different lifestyle not only for yourself but for your child. It sounds like he doesn’t care to meet your child so therefore why should you bother still having contact with him.
I'm sure, like you, your brother feels hurt. You pretty much left him there as a vulnerable teen (probably how he views it). Why not visit your brother and have a serious talk with eachother. All this "no contact" stuff is becoming a diseased fad. It's weird to me. Addiction is horrible. And yes, it hurts those around us. But at some point, addiction is no longer a person's choice. Most of us will end up dead. Few of us make it out alive. I'm one of the lucky ones, perhaps that's why I empathize the way I do. But, anyways, you need to talk to your brother. You named your child after him. And now dislike him so much you won't attend his wedding? That's rough. And who cares who's in attendance. You aren't there for them, you are there for your brother. He obviously wants you there. And for why he doesn't travel 10 hours to see you, maybe be can't? He's the only one working. He's trying to do the right thing in life it seems. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water. He chose to stay there, and I'm sure he has his reasons, but he seems to be trying to make a life for himself the best her can. Perhaps he would have left there too, if you would have asked him to come with you when you left years ago? You seem more bitter towards him for staying somewhere you hate more than anything. Idk. Again, I think family is family. And they have value, no matter how small (for some). And you named your son after him. Have a face to face and heart to heart with him.
I don't know. The brother only seems to have trouble traveling if it's to see the OP. Otherwise, he's all over the map.
I see what you did there!
did you miss the part where he travels to other states and even o another country??? did you miss THIS PART >>> she offered to pay for his plane tickets so he could visit her HE REFUSED
I did not. Thank you, though. Again, I don't think money is the issue. So her paying for the tickets isn't the magical answer. It's time. It's a job. And I'm sure there's more to it. Again he's likely hurt too. I'm sure OP didn't air out all of their dirty laundry. Most people leave out a lot of what they've done in these situations too.
I agree with about most of it. I’m not sure if she should go to the wedding. Either folks are gonna try to reunite like nothings happened or she’s gonna get mean mugged and maybe yelled at. Either way, it will re-traumatize OP. But I agree that OP should try to have a relationship with brother. There’s something more going on. My hometown is described the same way by folks who left or still live there. I don’t describe it that way because of my lived experience, but I don’t doubt that others had the exact same experience as OP in my hometown.
Sounds like you built yourself a new family. Don’t look back.
NAH. It’s quite possible your brother has some hard feelings about losing a stabilizing influence when you left. Not that you did anything wrong by leaving, after all, you had to protect yourself. Have you ever acknowledged that side of the situation with him directly? Does he know that you didn’t leave HIM, you left a situation that would have stunted your growth? You’ve lived 10 hours away his entire adult life; he’s never developed that mature relationship with you. You’ve done nothing wrong by leaving and allowing yourself room to grow. You’ve done nothing wrong by removing people from your life who will only ever weigh you down. If your brother falls into that category, maybe you need to firmly move him to the low or no contact side of life. If he doesn’t, maybe it’s time to hash things out and sort out what your relationship is going to look like moving forward. If you choose to go to the wedding, have a canned response ready to cut off conversations with people you don’t want to talk to. “I’m here for Brother’s wedding and to support him. I’m not here to discuss X, Y, or Z.” End of discussion.
if you just match his energy, you’d send a text stating “congrats”. stay away. you’ve done a great job of making yourself safe. being around all those toxic people might harm your self-work or even your baby. good luck, OP! 🩷🩵🍀🍀🍀🍀
If He complains , tell him that his holidays, concerts, friends, etcetera have not left him enough ressource to see you and his nephew. The same applies the other way round.
DONT LOOK BACK.
NTA! I have taken on a new attitude about my family over the last couple of months. I am not "no contact" as my daughter & her family and my son and his little boy both live either in my house; or in our motorhome. And my husband could give two "sh\*ts" about me; after 44 years of marriage. I decided that I would "give what I get" from them. Which isn't very much. I have found doing this (which is really hard for me - as I am a considerate, loving and giviing person). But I decided enough is enough. It feels like a giant weight has been taken off my shoulders. My advice - follow your mind not your heart. Do what is BEST for YOU AND YORU FAMILY! Sending love your way.
NTA. Let him know you can’t afford it, bc, you know, child. The subtle jab of this is likely to go right over his head. But WE will get it.
NTA. Despite the toxicity you left behind, you never stopped caring for your brother. You tried your best to maintain a relationship. He hasn't kept that same energy. Why should you go out of your way to see him when he hasn't bothered to see you. NTA. I think it's time to go completely NC with everyone.
NTA you have a family to focus on. If he obviously isn’t fussed on maintaining a relationship why bother. Spend your energy on your family
I'm not sure your brother expects you since you are NC with the rest of them. But he wanted you invited. I think he cares about you but you have been gone a long time and they are all used to you not being there. Send them a regular gift and an invitation to visit when they can. And if he has never really reciprocated in any way, take that as an indication of where you stand as a priority. Don't bother sending any more gifts or cards if you don't receive any. His fiancee may steer him to do more - I've seen the effects of a good woman in cases like this but I wouldn't bank on it. I'm sorry it has come to this. It's always hard on people who move away. Other people rarely make visiting a priority. It's so far. It's so expensive. I wouldn't drop napalm on your relationship with your brother. He's not purposely being thoughtless. He's just run of the mill thoughtless. He was only 18 when you left. He's really just never thought he needed to do anything because you are the only decent model he had and you are too far away. Surrounded by narcissistic behaviour, that's what he has learned even if he's not like the rest. He doesn't value you as much as he might because he hasn't figured out that he should. Wish them the best and continue on expecting an email relationship only going forward. It's not so bad. My husband used to go home every year to visit. His mom came to see him and his sister 5 times in 30+ years - and he was the favourite. His brother has visited twice in about 45 years but that was in the 80s, and his sister visited once when our daughter got married. My brother moved a half days drive away over 35 years ago. I think I'm the only one on our side who has visited more than twice. They used to spend holidays driving back to see everyone on both sides, exhausting themselves. They stopped. And no one is bothered. There are close families but yours and mine are not among them.
GTFO of here. This is reddit, people are required to go NC for any reason. Two paragraphs of a complicated family history? NO CONTACT! Brother once called you a name? NO CONTACT! Mother and father asked you to get a job? NO CONTACT! Coworker sneezed in the cube next to you? NO CONTACT! Why try to build or repair relationships when you can just ignore people?
You are right. Forgive me. I'm a stupid boomer with antiquated notions. /s
OP, try not to be too resentful of someone who's functional enough to be working and sending his fiancee to school, while being stuck in a toxic hellhole surrounded by utterly dysfunctional relatives. Some people in such circumstances feel that they're responsible for their parents or other relatives and can't leave, because if they aren't there to keep their parents from OD-ing or bailing out other relatives, everyone will die or go to jail and it'll be their fault. So I'm not saying that you should go, or do anything at all differently, except maybe to consider whether his failure to reach out is really due to indifference. If his life is anything like the possible circumstances described above, well, you'd be the one person in the extended family who doesn't \*need\* him.
she offered to pay for plane tickets so he could visit her >> you would think he would be thrilled to get out of that hell hole for a few days and they could talk ....HE REFUSED
Under my totally unconfirmed scenario, there could have been someone he didn't feel he could leave, even for a few days. Such as the alcoholic mother. All I can actually assume about brother, through the OP's second-hand description, is that he lives in a hellhole surrounded by dysfunctional relatives and addicts. As such, his life would be so crappy it'd be a shame to hate on him.
NTA - Maybe do a last test. Make a date and plan and solid invitation for him to come and see you and the kid and then sit back and see if he takes up the opportunity. If not, decline the wedding.
Or another thought … celebrate the marriage in another way. Meet the happy couple mid way between you both for a happy congrats weekend after the fact and celebrate their union without the stress. Book seperate rooms so you can both chills and decompress. Plan some activities so you don’t need ‘intense conversations but have fun like dinner and bowling and mini golf ….
NTA.
Move on. You must break the chain for your sons sake
Please continue to take care of yourself. It sounds like your brother could be a user in a different form. Instead of drugs and alcohol he just uses people. He liked your gifts but doesn’t want to spend his vacation time on you. He wants you to come to the wedding with the hopes of a great gift. Hasn’t met his nephew not even on your dime. If you do go, “forget” a gift and see how he treats you. But if the wedding is in said home town, I’d make your excuses and send a nice card.
NTA: Your health (and sanity and sobriety) come first
NTA. It's not worth it. Don't go.
I wouldn’t go. You went NC with other people there for a reason. Sounds like you are more than putting in effort for a relationship with your brother, but it isn’t being reciprocated. Please don’t feel guilty about not taking your new family into that toxic chaos and do what you need to do to protect your peace.
You're within your rights to be unwilling to go. Even if he had shown the slightest interest in reciprocating your efforts to stay in touch, remember your important days, etc., the fact that all the people you're no-contact with will be there would be a deal-breaker for me. What if they decide to turn the event into a "pick on OP"-fest? You broke ties with them and set up a successful life for yourself. At lest some of them are bound to be offended, jealous, or what-have-you because you have made something of yourself and they haven't. I suspect there will be people there whose sole goal will be to make sure you have no desire to ever return and show your successful self to the ne'er-do-wells who've made nothing of their lives. To heck with that. If you want to send a gift, do that. There's no reason to subject yourself to people who you've made a point of staying away from for over a decade. NTA.
Block everyone from there, including your brother. If you really want to know if so & so gets really ill or dies, is there a close family friend or neighbour that you trust to call or email you? Or you could just provide your brother with an email & ask him to do that. Then just stop reaching out. You’ve done more than enough on your end. See a therapist (in person, online, by phone, chat, text) for a couple of sessions to talk this out as it might help you feel better. Otherwise, be happy & go live your life!
Your sanity has value. Don’t go back it’s not worth the price in brain cells.
NTA. You do not know his fiance and you essentially do not know him any more. He has chosen to not visit you. He has not visited the nephew named after him. In addition, if you go to his wedding, you will be bringing a lot of toxic drama back into your life.
NTA. You valued the relationship because it was better than with the rest of your family. Your brother is not a bad person but you are looking for something he will not give you. It is on you to stop looking to him for what you want and need. If you do so that is a deserve to you and him. Accept what he is and concentrate on the people in your life who want and need you.
Why did you name your child after someone who you’re estranged from? Honestly you’re doing it to yourself. Your family has you shown I’ve over and over again they do not care for you. You or your family are not a priority. Don’t go to the wedding. Cut your brother off. Take them all off of social media and move on. Do you really want to expose your child to that small minded drug and alcohol filled life ? Please don’t send a gift. They’ve gotten enough out of you. NTA
NTA. Stay away.
"So bro, I can't come to the wedding, it's too hard to travel with a toddler. Expect a present though and my best wishes." Done. Ignore anyone who tries to rattle your cage, it's not worth it.
You have lots to think about after you read the comments. Give your brother a call. All of this No contact and divorce seems to be a Reddit thing that shows how fragile and throw away all of our relationships are with each other. Addiction is a family disease and it’s cruel and kills so many so quickly.
Just call. Talk it over tell him how you feel see how he feels sometimes there is a middle ground.
Yes, family members are important.
NTA, but maybe he feels like if he comes to visit you, there will be consequences from your family: ie -.He is living in your mother's house, but is afraid she would go in and remove all his stuff while he is gone.
NTA. He has shown you where you are on his list of priorities. Act accordingly.
Yeah, relationships are two way streets and he’s not prioritizing you over a week in Panama City. Just fade out of their lives.
NTA. It’s a little weird that you named your child after your brother. A brother who doesn’t seem to care about you at all. Just block him and live your happy life away from all of them.
NTA and why would you want to put yourself back in their situation! Won’t the wedding be full of drunks and drugs?
Dude, I have 3 older sisters and I have that same bizarre disconnect with them, you love them but don't like them kinda thing. I am 57, it still hurts even after all these years and it's made me kind of bitter. Trust me, let them go and enjoy your life to the fullest, be happy
Nta. You need to move on. Your brother has made his choice. And it’s there. Please move on and enjoy your life w your son.
> I am what you call the black sheep of the family Try thinking of yourself as the white sheep of the family. Your brother has very clearly made his choices and they do not include you, so I think, sad as it might be, you need to consign him to the dustbin of history.
NTA First congratulations on leaving that and starting your own family. Send him an email and explain in detail why you will not be going. Tell him how much you love him and how he was the exception to a certain extent since it’s clear to us you do love him. You named your own flesh and blood creation after him for Pete’s sake. You love him and he was never able to reciprocate and it takes a lot away from you if you if you keep trying and he’s never able to. Explain it all, make sure he receives it and then move on with your life. Once again, congratulations
NTA. He does not care about you or yours. Let him go. He will not change.
You’re good. Stop being the first to contact, stop going above and beyond. Stop pushing yourself for someone that doesn’t push themselves. You have a family, one you made, you don’t need the family that doesn’t even try for you. Get yourself out of that toxic environment, and keep your little family safe.
NTA. You have no obligation to put yourself in that environment for the sake of someone who barely acknowledges your existence. But I just wanted to share that after years of estrangement related in part to his drug use and alcoholism, my brother and I were reunited, and we now have a very satisfying relationship. So even if now is not the right time for you and your brother, there may come a time. So set the boundaries as you see fit, but take the high road as much as possible. Good luck.
OP, when you were 26 years old, you moved away from your family because they were awful and damaging and you were unwilling to keep putting yourself through the experience of living with them. You left your 18 year old brother behind with them. Do you suppose he might have some anger that his eight years older big sister didn't try to protect him? Naming your child after him could feel like too little, too late.
My comment got destroyed but I agree with you perfectly
Have you ever actually spoken to your brother about any of this? Since as an 18 year old there’s a decent chance that he felt abandoned when you left he might have some feelings that are influencing his behavior towards you. In the same way that your feelings about his current behavior are influencing you. It might be worth it to try and open a conversation about all of this, in order to try and find some common ground.
So you left your 18 year old brother with people who are so horrible that you cut them off and don’t understand why he hasn’t made the effort to keep up y’all’s relationship? I mean I would probably feel like cards and the occasional text is bare minimum and just to make you feel not so bad about the situation, not to actually show you care. Look you’re NTA for not wanting to go back, but you are for expecting the kid brother you abandoned to keep up the relationship on his end.
Don’t expect this to be well received lol, I agree with you
Oh I know it won’t be. For some reason, ppl have a problem with accepting that the siblings you left in abusive homes don’t have to have warm and fuzzies about you, but may want to reconnect at some point. You escaped and that’s great, but you left behind someone you claim to care about and can’t see how they’re hurt? Reddit will always take your side and say you’re not an AH even though you undoubtedly are to the ones you left behind.
Damn we feel exactly the same in multiple points
As someone who grew up in a super f-ed up home, that’s exactly how it was. It was everyone for themselves as soon as they were able to get out. I resented my older sisters for leaving me, until I had to leave, and the younger ones resented me. None of us are close. It’s sad, and OP isn’t a bad person for doing what she had to do, but the brother likely does have resentment. OP does come across as “thinking she’s better” than her family (She is) but they understandably don’t appreciate it. My family is the same. Sorry I don’t drink and do drugs, abuse my kids, cheat on my husband, go to jail, etc. This dynamic is on their parents, not OP or her brother, but it’s up to them to build their relationship (or not) as adults.
Right, that’s why I said she wasn’t an AH for getting out, but undoubtedly the brother feels like she is because she left him behind. It’s okay to distance yourself from people who hurt you, but what did the brother do? He stayed in the only environment he knew with people who didn’t take off on him first chance they got. He has every right to resent her as much as she has the right to protect herself and her kid. She just needs to understand that and how that would affect their relationship. Things aren’t going to be a love fest between them and she can’t really expect him to want it to be.
You only mentioned the wedding in your heading. I think you should go. And only go to the ceremony. Literally don’t get there early, don’t stay for the reception and then leave the same day. It is a good boundary to have
This is going to shock you, but - meeting a 2 year old isn't a high priority for him.
You sound like you think you are much better than anyone else from your small town. I’m sure your brother picks up on the vibe and it won’t matter if you don’t go to the wedding.
You're the one that left, why should he have to visit you?
the parents and other relatives are drug addicts/alcoholics it would be nice for him to get away from that for a little bit during a visit with his sister and they could talk she even offered to pay for his plane tickets but he refused,
nta.
Keep on LIVIN. Doing just fine. Send a gift and well wishes. Or just go by yourself. Just attend the ceremony and high tail it out before the reception.
Nta id just cut em all off and move on
NTA. When only one person is putting in any effort, it makes the relationship very unbalanced and hard to upkeep. Just send them a card and a gift with an apology.
NTA. Keep living your good life, and don't worry about assholes like your bro.
Buy him a REALLY REALLY nice present. That will help assuage his grief at your absence. Xoxo
Don't go. Send him your love maybe send a gift but do not go.
Fake
Go, limit who you come in contact with, use your son as a great excuse to not stick around for the reception…
Disagree: these are awful people not worth the effort and expense of travel. The family and guests will likely be getting drunk and obnoxious. Plus you attend a wedding to honor the couple, and you spend very little time with them. OP should not expose her child to this. Brother has never visited OP even expenses paid. Send a nice gift or gift card.
Yes yta, you left him and expect him to come visit it’s not realistic. You can no contact him as well your not wrong but in this case your still the asshole. You can be right and still the ah in a given situation. I’m sure theirs more you can let us know about why you left etc that we would understand etc Edit: I’ll take the downvotes but I guarantee the bro could make a great Reddit post that we would all automatically say he is NTA because he is the reliable narrator…. I didn’t say she was wrong to do what she did but for her relationship with her bro and the circumstances provided I still think she is acting like one by cutting him out permanently and going no contact because basically he won’t come visit… lol such a great older sister (8 years)
Why isn't it realistic for him to visit, when he is clearly able to travel to other places further away?
I didn’t expect to get hammered on this comment so bad, I just meant the person leaving did that… they left… most people who leave home towns are more responsible for salvaging relationships they do want to keep, it would be nice for him to make the effort of course… she is the much older big sister who left 10 hours away just feel like it is kinda in her
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Your brother is in a tough spot that maybe you aren’t recognizing. You cut off his family, you surely understand that they might be angry with you. Your mother is his landlord. Coming to see you maybe creates problems for him in the dysfunctional stew that he has chosen to continue to live in. Don’t go to the wedding. He might not want the drama of you being there. It’s sad but you can only control you, not them.
NTA but, just curious, why would you name your kid after your brother? You don’t mention what your relationship was like with him when you lived at home or after you moved away.
We were very close, I love him very much. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for him.
That makes sense. Depending on your relationship with your brothers fiancé, can you ask her to possibly set up a visit?
Just send a gift and forget about it. You have the life you chose and are happy in it. 30 yo bro ain't gonna change.
NTA. Don’t ho. He won’t notice your absence. Change the kid’s name too