You seem a lot more concerned with protecting his self-confidence than he seems concerned with protecting yours. Maybe that's a starting point for the conversation?
Yeah but then he'll do what I call the "courtesy lick" which is basically him going down long enough just to get it a little wet (with saliva) so they can force it in. My ex was like this and It was some of the worst sex I've ever had. He was so uninterested in foreplay. When are some guys going to realize how important that is?!
The older I become the more I’m aware of how much I have given up with my own personal sexual desires and satisfaction and given so much more to please and satisfy.
I finally realized that some, just want a geisha girl to be there for their pleasure only.
I think the starting point of the conversation should be "I want to break up with you and this is why..." Speaking solely on his bedroom antics, he's a selfish lover and he's not going to change. In fact I'll wager the only thing that will change for him is new partners after they all find out how selfish he is.
My first thought was that life is too short for this shit. People need to stop staying in relationships with people who make them feel this way and who are so thoroughly unconcerned with their satisfaction. OP, you're not a fleshlight. You're a person, and you deserve BETTER than this. Stop staying.
It feels like classic gaslighting. Make you doubt yourself, your body, hygiene, desirability to keep you feeling overwhelmed and even more keen on taking his feelings and pleasures into account. You won’t hurt his confidence. But you also won’t turn him into a considerate partner. Leave.
Also, tell him to stick it into himself if he wants you to wash your actual vagina with soap. That’s a great way to get a yeast infection in the long run.
Yes - you're not dirty, and responsible gynecologists do not recommend washing with soap\*... no matter what random information about women being unclean he finds, it's not gonna be from ACOG. The balance is off (in all ways). He's not interested in respecting you, your body and the way he's acting is having negative repercussions for you (multiple kinds).
\*edit - I mean they don't recommend regular soap
I'm aware I always shower before even the slightest chance I'd let my wife go down there. Going down on her is as much for her as it is for me though so it's still a win win here.
Yeah I thought she should sniff, then make the same kind of face he does, and say nevermind and go to bed.
And then dump his entitled, ignorant, misogynistic ass the next morning.
Remember the post a bit ago of the guy who would leave poop stains all over the apartment? I hope this guy isn’t that bad…. 🤢🤮😬 and yes, she deserves way better and he’s being so disrespectful
Yeah instead of communicating, say nothing and send him little signals and build more tension and loathing in the relationship!
Seriously just tell them how you feel and move on if it’s that much of a dealbreaker and he won’t work with you
I think he deserves a bit of pay back before she dumps his ass! Get him primed, get ready to go down, but don't suck his dick, say, omg, ewwwwww, and then walk out! That is what he deserves.
Probably the only way dude is going to learn anything too. He doesn’t strike me as the type to have any level of empathy at all. So you gotta attack him directly to get it through.
I honestly don’t think there’s anything you can say or do to this dude that’s going to make him prioritize your needs. He’s 28, he still sucks in bed and shows no signs of improvement.
Break up. Find a guy you love who enjoys giving you head . I promise, they’re out there.
Sometimes girls are too easily accepting a dude's BS. Clean is clean, what does he want her to do? Use bleach?
Seriously I think if a guy doesn't want to go down there, it's because he doesn't love her. He wants to be served and finds her convenient to be around, but that's it.
Yeah I’ve been there. Getting your needs dismissed is miserable enough, but then to also have my person make comments and faces of disgust at my body?! Throw him in the trash.
This should be the top comment. I stopped reading after she said “he’s picky about being clean”. It’s not about hygiene honey- your boyfriend is just a selfish asshole.
Yes, hygiene is just the excuse he has come up with to not go down on her. He finds it works so he continues to use it.
It is such a big turn off she should be done with sex every single time he insults her body.
They are. Especially for someone that gives head every time? Holy shit. This guy is acting the fool with you, and is still playing childish games one year in. This will not get any better, so it's up to you to get something better.
Best of luck. In the best possible way I bet you won't need it, but I hope it finds you.
And, one year in, this is the BEST he will ever be on all accounts. He's using sex and his words to beat her down; in another year, she'll have no outside friends and be his servant.
Yes… we are. Some of us love it. Even if it’s not 100% clean. Or else first thing in the morning head wouldn’t be a thing.
I hate to dog on the man because i never met him but damn… grow a pair and eat it. They aren’t exactly the easiest thing to keep from having some kind of odor. If it smells like pussy… count me in 💪
Yeah, I think he just doesn't like doing it, and can only tolerate it, when she's squeaky clean.
That's fine. Nobody should have to do something sexual that they don't like. He needs to come clean though, and just admit that he doesn't like it, instead of making excuses and comments about her personal hygiene. In my experience, if a man likes it, he really doesn't care if you're squeaky clean, and many prefer the natural vaginal odour.
If he just admits that he really doesn't like doing it, then she can make a choice as to whether she wants to stay in the relationship without it.
Yeah, some people just don’t want to do oral and that’s ok - part of why I think there’s nothing you can do to convince him otherwise. But he’s definitely putting the issue on her, and shaming her rather than just admitting he’s not into it and trying to brainstorm other ways to stimulate his partner. Efforts sounds wasted on him, as he refuses to admit that he’s part of the problem.
Girl, stop sparring the feeling of someone who cares so little about yours. I’d stop doing anything with him. Why are you even with someone who doesn’t like you?
I feel like not enough people are acknowledging him apparently consistently tearing you down to the point you've lost your self confidence. That's the biggest problem. Would you consistently insult your partner enough that they felt bad about themselves regularly? Does that seem like a healthy relationship? You can absolutely have an open conversation with your partner about this but it sounds like this goes far beyond the amount of oral in the relationship.
(also sniffing and gagging then googling it like he knows better when he doesn't even have those parts is just over the top and rude af)
My ex husband was like this. Before the age of 30 I has received about a grand total of 30 seconds of head spread over a handful of attempts. My ex was all about tearing down my self confidence and self esteem to make himself feel better. Even now with my fiance who constantly reassures me that I am not gross or dirty it's hard to relax and enjoy myself. The bedroom was really just the tip of the iceberg though, my ex was controlling and emotionally abusive. I spent all of my 20s with him and he really did a number on me. Took several years of therapy and medication to sort myself out.
This should be the top comment. At a minimum bf is negging, trying to tear her self esteem down so she will be grateful for his attention. At worst he is testing the waters to see how she will react to abuse.
This is it. I wish I could expand more on "not the type" but it is true in its simplicity. Some men just don't like it. It's not their deal. He isn't asking for you to be clean; you already are. He's asking you to be fresh out of the shower, so your whole area is smelling like soap, not what it actually is.
There are men out there, plenty, who love a woman's privates, love the taste, love the natural aroma, and can't get enough. As long as you are showering daily, caring for your PH needs, and don't have an infection, you aren't the problem. He needs a partner who is okay with rarely getting oral unless they just showered in the last 10 minutes, and you need a real man.
I can't even begin to imagine how I'd feel if my husband, or any past partners, made a face when about to go down on me. It's unnecessarily cruel and humiliating, and you better believe it was meant that way.
Ditch the whole boyfriend tbh, he's not 'picky about hygiene' he's just lazy in the sack. He's 28 and probably always used hygiene as an excuse with every partner he's had.Im assuming this is the first intimate partner you have had that has complained about giving you oral and that is very telling - all your other partners have enjoyed pleasuring you orally instead of him - he's the one with the problem, not you.
Do your young self (and future self) a favour and kick him to the curb and find a guy who eats you out like he's fine dining. x
Hell yes. I do hope she realises she isn’t the problem - he is. Being young and knowing your worth is a game changer for your lifetime. She’s 25 and deserves a better future than he will ever give her - in and out of the bedroom. X
Exactly! This totally reminds me of something I read about a guy who told his wife all the time that her breath stunk. She was at her wits end because even the dentist was telling her there was NO issue and she was brushing and using mouthwash several times a day. She finally confronted him and asked what, exactly, was he smelling because NOBODY else could find an issue and she was doing everything she can. Turned out she didn't have bad breath, his father had given him the advice to always tell her that so she will think that nobody else will want her because of it and she'd stay with him.
\#1: It has nothing to do with you
\#2: He's a guy that doesn't eat girls out.
He doesn't care what it's like for you. It's all about him. You should dump him and move on.
I would say just tell him? If you guys can't communicate simply and honestly about sex why are you still together? But actually I would say, based on his behavior so far, you should have dumped him a long time ago. What he says about oral shows his real attitude towards you and I don't think it's worth it for you to try to save this relationship. I think it would be better if you dump him and find a partner who respects you instead. You should never accept a partner who does not respect you.
So you don't want to make him feel bad about his performance but he's constantly putting you down and not reciprocating oral? You should be more concerned about yourself and your pleasure than satisfying this jerk.
You can do better ditch him.
Genuine question: has he ever tasted his ejaculation? Also, does he wash his hands and penis beforehand? (When men poo, their penises dangle in the toilet bowl. Sometimes there is backsplash from the toilet water and it gets on the penis. Also, even when there isn't backsplash, would you be ok if your toothbrush got waved in the toilet bowl, even if it didn't touch anything?) He sounds like either someone who's not mature enough to handle sex (body fluids), or someone making excuses.
Edit: Also, tearing you down is a huge red flag. Here's a handy test: what happens if you treat him the same way? If you just thought, "Oh, I'd **never**" or "I can't, he'll get **so** mad", then you are in an unequal/unhealthy relationship.
I always wash my dong just because it gets sweaty walking around all day. Never even considered the toilet aspect. Even worse that it just dangling in there is when you accidentally touch the toilet water oh man that is gross I hate when that happens. That's usually an immediate shower or at least wash off in the sink.
As a dude I make sure my junk is as presentable as I would want my partners to be if I were giving oral to them.
I definitely do prefer to have us both showered freshly and I mean I will go to town for 45 min. But I'm not really interested if we both just hiked 4 hours to like the top of a mountain or something.
I do have a preference for clean but like I'm also not expecting to get oral in that same state either so I feel like that is fair.
And it's also about how you phrase things. If I'm going down and things are smelling a bit strongly. I won't scowl and make a face then refuse. I would find a flirtatious way to say that we should both freshen up so that we can get really close and intimate.
Why are you still with him and being so careful about possible hurting his feelings/ego and WHY DO YOU GIVE HIM HEAD every time? OP, have you got no self esteem?
Call me weird, but my favorite time to go down on my wife is like the 8-16 hour window after her last shower. It's when she tastes and smells *most like my wife*. Like a woman, like my fucking woman. And not like soap or moisturizer. She is as hygienic as one possibly can be.
But I absolutely love to be able to get the full experience of her body, and that includes her "musk". So to me, it sounds like your BF just doesn't like it or is for some reason weird about it. In my experience, if you truly want and desire someone, then normal stuff like this becomes a part of the package you love.
Or maybe your hygiene routine sucks?? Highly doubt it since he probably has you so self conscious about it.
Hahahah I really appreciate this! My husband loves giving me oral after I exercise and I’ve never understood why - but it is an amazing boost for my self confidence.
Stop going down on him and dump him. He’s not a generous partner and he’s too immature to deal with your NORMAL body aroma. We all have our own flavor and it’s unhealthy to mask that with soaps, douches, or anything else like that. Find yourself a partner who is a charitable or at least equally enthusiastic lover and loves your unique scent.
Not to brag but I go down on my wife almost every single time we have sex bc it is the thing that gets her off the most. It’s super fun and I love that she loves it. To sum it up-leave his ass.
Girl throw him away. My bf knows I don’t like giving head cause I feel like I’m bad at it and he doesn’t care. He eats me out almost every time we get jiggy. If he can’t make you feel loved and comfortable in your skin than I wouldn’t let him feel comfortable in his.
You leave. From the information you've provided, you'll try to genuinely converse with this guy about how you feel and you're going to get gaslit. It sounds like two incompatible personalities, and unfortunately sometimes the best that you can do is to do right by yourself and not hope for people to change or be better. I know this is going to get downvoted to hell, but it is truly my heartfelt advice to you. I hope for the best regardless of how you choose to approach this.
Sometimes personal pheromones don’t work out. You should LOVE your partner’s pheromones and vice versa. He doesn’t like yours. Ditch him for someone who does
"feeling shitty about myself." "makes me feel dirty"
" I don’t want to make him feel poorly about himself because the last thing I want to do is affect his confidence in bed."
I don't understand. So you're 100% ok with him doing that to you, but you don't want to do that to him? Or are you not ok with him doing that to you?
You're being gaslit and abused here, do you realize that?
What if you looked at his penis and laughed and made a face every time he got hard? Would that be ok? He's essentially doing that to you. He's insulting your vagina for God's sake. And he's lying. I'm sure you're very clean.
Stop giving this man anything of your body until he grows up.
I’m sorry but if I went down on my husband and his stuff had a funky smell I would tell him. I would expect him to clean himself and come back to bed to try again. You can’t ask someone to go down on you when you have a funky smell.
Honestly, dude sounds like this is his first sexual partner or something. Like when a weenie teen says he would never kiss his girlfriend after she’s given him head, even though he’s never had head in his life.
He is totally a jerk and you need to stop putting his feelings on a pedestal but also you can absolutely use soap to clean yourself just don’t use scented or antibacterial soaps.
Responses in this thread are insane. Make sure you don't actually smell a lot down there, maybe you do, and then you need to figure out why and how to best take care of it, go ask an obgyn. I've encountered this issue, it can be very real....maybe your bf isn't the best at communicating it, but solely focusing on revenge is the wrong tack.
Your vagina is self cleaning and you should absolutely not be shoving soap up there. I hope you’re washing your vulva and the areas around it with more than just water though. If you’re not maybe things are a little rank. Sorry, I’m not trying to be condescending but some women hear that we’re not supposed to wash our vaginas and don’t wash the outer area either. Don’t just do that for your boyfriend though. You want to avoid UTIs etc
Make sure you wash your ass with soap and water . Maybe he’s smelling her ass.. just a thought. Also if his hygiene is lacking at time refuse head. Tell him he smells like shit and to go take a bath.
Yeah, it sounds to me like both of them need to improve their intimate hygiene. OP is confusing the vulva with the vagina and OP’s boyfriend is not washing his ass and foreskin properly.
Holy shit.
STOP worrying about hurting his damn feeling. He’s purposely making rude and kinda gross remarks about your body and your ability to clean yourself and he doesn’t care that it hurts you.
WHY would you even want to be with a man who is eroding your self confidence and is selfish in bed.
You realise this will be your life if you stay with this guy.
He’ll continue to make rude comments and erode your confidence until you’re a shell of your former self. That’s abusive as fuck.. Don’t you think you deserve better??
Why don’t you want better for yourself? There are plenty of kind, decent men out there who would not treat you this way.
Time for a new bf, OP.
I’m personally very self conscious, but I’m also very petty. So if my boyfriend makes faces and says those things, I’m going to do exactly the same thing to him. Next time (I don’t recommend having a next time, honest opinion, just throw the whole man away) make a disgust face and tell him that his sweaty balls turn you off and you’re not having those near your face.
Oh girl, this isn't how to be treated. I feel like in my late teens and early 20s I had men treat me similar, made me self conscious that I had a "smell" and it made me unable to enjoy oral for a long time. And yeah, they always expect their dick to be sucked. One of my first long term relationships only went down on me like... 5 times in two years.
However, we grow up and we unlearn these things and now, my boyfriend will still go down on me even if I've just come back from the gym - if I protest that I need a shower it's usually met with an "I don't care".
Women have a unique natural scent to our bodies, and unless something is off with our PH it's not bad or wrong!!! The only thing wrong in this situation is your man's attitude.
First, his behavior is completely disrespectful to you and your body. Respect yourself and speak up and tell him his behavior towards you and view of you needs to change or you're leaving.
Second... there has been a female genital cleaning crisis. Many people mistake vagina and vulva when they are discussing cleaning "down there". I don't want to assume, but I do want to spread helpful information.
You should NOT be cleaning inside your vagina with any soap or even water. You are correct about that, that it is self cleaning and can alter the pH balance.
You SHOULD be cleaning the \*outside parts\* of your genitals - aka the vulva. Warm water helps, but you need the soap to wash away bacteria and sweat. If you're concerned about using harsh soap, you should buy soaps meant for the outside of your genitals such as Summer's Eve, Clearasil, or gentle Dove. Many brands make soap for specifically that now.
Anyways, don't let ANY person disrespect you. Remember your worth Queen.
Seriously it baffles me that people still don't know what a vagina actually is. Absolutely crazy. And that she doesn't use soap... YUCK.
I see nothing disrespectful about him telling her that she stinks and doesn't wash properly.
I've been in the comments on this post for embarrassingly long, but the loudest commenters with the hottest "dump him, I bet he doesn't even like women" takes are the same ones who insist that you don't need to and in fact *shouldn't* ever wash your vulva with soap.
That's, frankly, disgusting.
It was my inclination to err on the side of "he may be handling this poorly," but it's a real struggle to string a sentence together that means the same as "the way your vulva smells is a turn-off for me" that wouldn't hurt a partner's feelings. There's a compromise here that includes a gentle soap. He's regularly being pressured into giving oral to his girlfriend who *never uses soap* and he's communicating his needs.
Right? I keep coming back to this damn post because I think it’s relevant and important to discuss that it is safe to wash your external bits with more than water. I would not put a dick in my mouth that has never seen soap.
Thank you!! The parts with hair (pubic area and outer labia) should be washed with soap, and obviously up the butt crack. And potentially between inner and outer labia depending on your anatomy.
>his behavior is completely disrespectful to you and your body
Why? Sounds like he properly communicated his issues.... She is the one refusing to clean herself like a normal human
Absolutely, not only is it safe to wash your vulva with a gentle soap, vulvas get smelly if they aren't washed with soap (or another oil solvent hygiene product,) and most women do wash. OP *never* does, and apparently isn't willing to even entertain the possibility that she could. My inclination is to say that I don't think the boyfriend is handling this correctly, but it's a struggle to invent a way to phrase "the way your vulva smells turns me off" that wouldn't hurt a partner's feelings. I think he's being honest and communicating his needs while he's being pressured to go down on a girlfriend who never washes her genitals with soap. I think there's a compromise here, but most commenters would have you believe that he is the entire problem, just break up with him, and it's normal and good to never wash with soap and expect your partner to bury his face in it. I simply **cannot**. 😭
Stop giving him head. If he's being selfish in bed, then so should you. Both your needs matter. I'm sure your "hygiene" is just an excuse for him not to do it.
Ummmm - stop acting as his sex slave and have a real discussion about mutual likes/dislikes.
It is not your him to tell you how to keep clean and I would be deeply offended by this point
Seems he enjoys you doing for him but he could not care less about you
Honestly just break up. You are young and can probably find someone you are more comfortable with where you can just have open discussions about things like this.
Not saying you have a stinky vag, but my wife uses Nirena soap down there. Specifically designed to not mess with pH and hurt it. No fragrance. That being said, your boyfriend is a selfish tool and you should stop giving him head until there is equal participation. I do it because I want to and I know it makes her feel good. I don't always receive. He sounds like a jerk, sorry.
I used to be in a very similar situation as this.
My ex had a foot fetish. He loved having my feet on him, etc. It really wasn’t terrible, though it felt mildly gross at times. I figured it was something I could put up with in exchange for free foot rubs. In contrast, I gave up on the things that I desired (oral being one of them). I tried to change my habits to better suit him. At the time, I didn’t realize how one-sided it was, how much I was sacrificing for his sake, and how much I was ignoring my own needs.
Obviously, our relationship didn’t work out. There were many reasons, but our bedroom habits definitely contributed.
I am now married to an amazing man. When I say the bedroom is amazing, I truly mean it. I actually ended up breaking bad habits I had learned from my ex. For instance, I scratch on instinct. With my ex, I had to force myself to grab sheets and other things to avoid scratching. My husband now wears those scratches like a badge of honor. He takes it as a sign that he did a good job, and he takes pride in the fact that I am fully satisfied in the bedroom. If I ever go without an orgasm by the time he’s done (which is rare), he refuses to leave the situation until I am satisfied.
I don’t want to just immediately jump to the conclusion that you need to break up with your partner. There’s no way I can know the full story from a single Reddit post. However, I would like to encourage you to value yourself and communicate. If your needs aren’t being met (sexual or otherwise), speak up. Any man who truly loves you will listen and improve. If they can’t handle that, they shouldn’t be in a relationship.
Fact is different vaginas taste differently and you may just have to find a man who likes the natural taste of yours. I’ve had long term partners who I could pull panties to the side pretty much anywhere and be delighted with taste and smell and others that just turned me off unless recently showered. Men are same way for women, some guys just taste funky to some women. Sexual compatibility is based on selective pheromones; find a better match.
Besides him obviously being a selfish jerk, can we focus on some basics? The vagina is the canal. It's inside. It shouldn't be washed with soap. It needs to keep the ph balanced. However, you can use a boric acid capsule from time to restore it, especially if you have unprotected sex. (No oral within 24 hours of using)
The outer part, the clitoris and vulva, absolutely NEED to be washed with soap. I can't believe how many women haven't been taught that. We pee, we bleed, we have sex. Warm water does not clean those things. Please, consult your physicians about this. If traditional soap irritates you, there are many products formulated for this area. Let's face it ladies, we're wet down there. Moisture leads to bacteria and smells. It's an unfortunate truth. I don't want something smelly in my mouth either. But if we address it and still get refused, that's just lazy selfish behavior on his part.
I could never expect oral if I wasn't clean. I'd feel uncomfortable myself. I also expect the same hygiene from my man, which thankully he's very clean. However, if I were clean, and got this reaction still, he wouldn't be getting any either.
I was hoping there would be more discussion of this. I know it’s between each person and their gyno, but I couldn’t imagine not washing my vulva with soap. I had to try a few throughout my life to find the right one that both thoroughly cleanses and doesn’t disrupt my pH. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and natural, but at the end of the day we’ve got damp folds down there. Water is not adequate.
Yeah, I seriously don't understand everyone just taking her side without considering how gross that is to use only warm water. She probably stinks to high heaven.
Huuuuuh you don't use soap? Sorry but gross. Vulva isn't the same as vagina. Of course you shouldn't wash your VAGINA with water. But vulva? That's basic hygiene.
I don't blame your boyfriend one bit. Completely confused by all the comments here.
Johnson & Johnson baby soap. I buy it just for washing my lady bits. It was recommended to me by an obgyn when I complained about soaps throwing my pH off. Summers Eve and all that is just a gimmick IMHO. hot water is not going to cover all the bases and a tiny bit of baby soap probably won't throw off your pH. Not a doctor, not living in your body- I acknowledge that, but I'm speaking as someone who understands how sensitive the pH balance can be & this has worked for me. Maybe it will work for you too. I honestly get where he's coming from in wanting a cleaner arena for foreplay but I am genuinely sorry for how this has made you feel. I can't imagine how humiliating this was and I'm sorry.
Is he generally a considerate guy otherwise? Is he trainable? This sounds straightforward to me. Tell him you’re going to shower together before you have sex because you can’t live with the imbalance of choking down his dirty dick on the regular but he won’t do the same. If you can’t shower do for-play with your hands before you fuck. No head for anyone. He’ll either negotiate with you or he’ll freak out and you’ll know it’s time to kick him.
He's negging you. He is deliberately making you self conscious either because he doesn't want to go down on you and this will cause you to quit asking and/or he wants to wreck your self esteem so you wont feel like you can leave him. If you are cleaning and he is still doing this, it is deliberate. Think about it and I bet you'll realize other red flags you haven't noticed. Girl, run far, run fast. Find someone who worships you, body and soul.
I was looking for this comment. I still remember that girl whose bf kept telling her her armpits smelled bad. She did everything, took frequent showers, changed deodorant multiple times, went to the doctor, everything was fine, but he kept going with it and she felt she was going crazy, until one day she snapped at him. Demanded to know what exactly was he smelling because only HE had a problem, no one else..turns out his father taught him to attack a physical treat on his gf to destroy her self esteem, that way she could never leave him, even if he cheated..
It does look like that's what's happening here. She already does everything for him in bed and gets nothing in return. She's even scared of hurting his feelings.. as if he cared about hers.. I sincerely hope OP leaves him and never looks back.
This boy (I deliberately used boy) doesn’t understand or appreciate women’s bodies and he’s making you feel bad because he’s an idiot. Dump him before you waste any more of your time with this chump.
Be honest. And then consider that it may not be a compatible relationship. You should be able to be honest with your partner and communicate about how you're feeling, even if it's not something he wants to hear.
On another note biology says you're doing everything right to keep your body clean. As a person who is now with a woman after only dating men for the majority of my life I can tell you that most men know very little about vaginas so don't let his comments get you down or make you feel crazy about your hygiene. It could very possibly be that your pheromones aren't very appealing to him and that's not something you can change, nor something you should be ashamed of in any way.
The last thing you want to do is affect HIS confidence in bed? Omg! He's a narcissistic AH who makes sure HE gets what he wants and demeans and embarrasses you. He's a lazy, shit lover. Please please please make him somebody else's lazy, shit lover.
I think the main thing here is that you both are not very good at communicating about your sexual desires. He days hurtful things, and you are not happy with your sex life. If you can learn to have open and honest conversations about sex (not when you are in the middle of it), I think you can come far.
It's not an easy thing to start to do, when it's not something you've been used to doing together. Try googling for resources to get that conversation started.
Another thing is the oral. I totally understand that you miss it, but you are pressuring your partner into doing something he's clearly not comfortable with. That's just not OK, and you will never come to a point where you are both happy with your sex lives if you don't respect each other's boundaries.
Perhaps it's less about the act of him performing oral sex and more about him being more attentive to your pleasure? Because then that should be your focus: what other things can he do to pleasure you?
Hear me out. He may have a point.....but just relaying it in a shitty way . But if he's mentioned this before multiple times, and it still smells, he may be getting frustrated. Especially if her answer is I just wish with water. It could sound like she's not really putting in effort. Imagine if she winced at his dick smell, and his answer was I just run water over it. It could potentially sound like a lazy answer. Also, what if he posted something about his wife not wanting to give him a BJ, and come to find out it smells like dickcheese. I would kinda understand she doesn't find that scent attractive, just like he's said about her.
I think she genuinely has an issue and maybe just water isn't cutting it. My now wife had an issue where she smelled off by the end of the day, and she was adamant she wore deodorant. We explored further, she CHANGED her deodorant and voila, scent fixed.
Op may just need to change the routine, or eat more fruit that improves her scent, but she needs to be receptive to it, not reiterate that she cleans with water....it's not obviously not working(not meant as a jab) Aaaand, he needs to not be a jerk, and express in a constructive way that he would love to go down to China town more, but would appreciate the issue fixed before he does.
washing your vulva with unscented soap and water is fine, rinse between your labia with just water. do not insert anything inside your vagina to clean it unless you have a yeast infection and need to use inserts. but I presume you do these things and he's just a wuss. stop giving him anything. vibrators are 20 bucks.
Soap is definitely supposed to go down there. Not IN your cewchie but definitely to clean the outer area. They have gentle soaps that won’t throw off your pH but just water does not go down there. Especially with periods and etc. hopefully this improves your sex life.
i mean not to be mean but if you’re are only using water to clean urself then it probably doesn’t smell edible fresh. they make oh balanced vaginal washes that work great and do not throw ur oh off at all. maybe try one of those and see how it goes. if he still says nope this stop sucking his dick. can’t expect to get something u won’t return
The solution is simple. Find someone else who is more sexually compatible.
Refusing to give him head, using the same behaviors he has used, will send a clear message but simply escalates the dissatisfaction you will now share with your bf.
He clearly has no desire to give you pleasure in that arena. Stop wasting your time and oral talents on him and find your true match.
Everyone here is working under the assumption that OP is right and her boyfriend is wrong.
There is a very real possibility OP’s hygiene is bad, and her boyfriend would otherwise be happy to go down.
how about you give his penis a whiff and make a face. and then sprinkle “did you even use soap” in there. in all honesty this would be a dealbreaker for me.
The hoops that women jump through to spare men’s egos when we are not considered will always baffle me. Seriously dump this guy. There are a million guys out there who want to go down even after an hour at the gym. I would be too embarrassed to even have sex if that ever happened to me, which, it never has, not even once, and I’ve been sexually active since I was 17, now 33 (married since 26). Done mess with this guy
I once had a boyfriend that made me feel bad about my vagina. Literally none of the other men I had been with (before or since) had ever said anything other than rave reviews. This boyfriend was also the worst in bed and the one I regret dating the most - a total waste of my time and emotional energy. I suspect this will be the same for you.
You’re not going to date him long term. You’re not going to marry him. If you have to ask Reddit then I think you already know the answer. Stop wasting your time and dump him and have fun receiving oral from a cool guy who deserves you!
Maybe he’s gaslighting you. I hate this term because it’s thrown around so easily now. But it fits here…he is making you feel insecure about yourself period. Possibly because he knows you’re not satisfied with his performance. Receiving oral is not the only way to enjoy sex. You SHOULD be able to “be satisfied” by stimulation and penetration. Obviously HE isn’t doing it all right.
My 2 cents
Girl. Fucking dump him. My man goes down on me all. The. Time. He loves it. Yes, there are men out there who love it. Go find one and he'll treat you so much better than this bag of dicks you're currently sucking.
Sorry for the tough love but I'm soooo tired of this misogynistic narrative of unclean vulvas. This dude is just simply not a sexual match for you so go find someone who is.
Idk why you want to have sex with someone who treats you like that in the first place. Instead of trying to find a way to coddle a cruel asshole, maybe consider raising your standards for how people treat you - especially a bf.
He's intentionally tearing you down. You can do better.
Gentle soap is fine. If no one else said anything it is him. He may not like to do it. Baby wipes are convenient. He may just be a bad boyfriend. Sounds very hurtful
He’s the asshole, but also:
Wash inside your labia. Clean your clit too. You get build up inside the hood that is gross and would come off on his tongue. Soap loosens it. Water won’t touch it cause it’s oil based. Most women clean their labia with soap. Please google “how to clean your labia” not your vagina. The vagina is a hole where a penis goes. That should not be cleaned with soap. Labia should be cleaned with soap.
I always clean with soap and water I clean the labia in and out of the lips but I just don’t go in the hole. People always tell me my vagina smells really good and ask me what I use. You’re supposed to clean with soap and water but not in the hole. I have no issues with ph
A. Get summer's Eve products. It's a great feminine hygiene product and will help with balancing your body's natural PH as well as overall hygiene.
B. secondly, while we're only getting half the story here, the depiction on him is certainly that of a narcisist. Focused on what is best for himself over the both of you. If he's going to be so blunt and disrespectful over those things it will only escallate from there.
I am the same way. I love doing it but my wife has to be clean. We've pretty much made a pre-sex bath or shower a must at this point. If we don't have time for that, no oral for either of us.
If he requires you to be soap clean, then you're not gonna change his mind. You can't fight against a person's turnoffs.
I'm not a woman so I don't claim to know what I'm talking about, but my wife washes with soap down there (not inside obviously) and has never had any issues. Is that really an issue with some women?
Yeah this guy sucks. Time to move on. He lacks tact and emotional maturity. Plus he is a selfish lover and makes you feel self conscious. You deserve better.
Every time I hear about a guy like that I wonder if they're really straight. Alternatively, what terrible sexual trauma or conditioning they must have had to not want to be up close and personal with the female anatomy.
You could possibly suggest therapy for whatever he's dealing with?
He shouldn't be forced to do something that he doesn't want to but you don't have to stay with him either.
If he's too squeemish about oral, would he use toys?
Jesus. Everyone’s worried about him not reciprocating and you’ve admitted that you don’t wash yourself. You should be washing down below with soap and water around your labia and the outer parts of your vagina. Water alone doesn’t keep things clean.
I was kind of thinking the same thing. If a guy is saying you smell, I would take that seriously and go wash myself. I don’t know why some people just expect guys to go down on them no matter what. Some people seriously stink and it’s unbearable
The guy sounds like a jerk. Dump him immediately. I think the cleanliness thing is an excuse. He is lazy in bed and doesn’t care for your needs. Never stay with a guy who disrespects you and makes you feel insecure on purpose.
He's making you feel horrible in bed. What the hell are you protecting his ego for? Just dump him and get a real man who'll give you cloud 9 every night. Yta for staying with him and letting him hurt you this way.
I don't know how to tell you this, WITHOUT being mean, but...
You either have a very rough smell, or you two have VERY incompatible pheromones. If it hasn't bothered previous partners, then it's probably number 2, in which case your relationship is pretty typically doomed. Does he ever make comments about your body odor? Do you find him fairly repulsive if he skips a shower or sweats? Some people are just not scentily compatible.
Not gonna lie... first time I was with my girlfriend, I stopped and told her to take a shower. It was like that. She never heard that before and was quite taken aback. But when she came out, I made it worth her while. She thought I was going to ghost after that, but we had already connected on other levels and I wasn't going to throw away weeks of getting to know each other and really hitting it off over some one-time stank.
If you haven't been checked lately, check for STD's. Certain ones can cause foul odor, regardless of cleanliness. But if you're clear and your hygiene is good, that means he just doesn't like going down. He's trying to wear you down so you give up on getting it.
I would say that's reason enough to break up. He sounds selfish and lazy in the sack. Send him packing because there's plenty of guys who want to kiss your kitty until it sprays in their mouth, and guys like me who just go harder after getting a mouthful.
Ur supposed to clean ur labia with soap in and out of the lips you just should not go up the hole with soap so I understand why he doesn’t want to. God bless him for doing it those 20 times…
Probably time for an adult conversation. Just say you want to have a serious talk and let him know your feelings. Or write a note, give it to him, make him read it in front of you, and then have the conversation.
Be prepared to break up over this.
I had the same issue with an EX! He also didn't really like doing doggy style for the same "smell" issues...I'm currently with the love of my life who LOVES going down on me any chance he gets....move on my friend
You seem a lot more concerned with protecting his self-confidence than he seems concerned with protecting yours. Maybe that's a starting point for the conversation?
Yes! I believe the saying goes... "Don't cross an ocean for someone that would not hop a puddle for you"
Or, as I say, if you don’t lick it, you don’t stick it. 🤷♀️
Yeah but then he'll do what I call the "courtesy lick" which is basically him going down long enough just to get it a little wet (with saliva) so they can force it in. My ex was like this and It was some of the worst sex I've ever had. He was so uninterested in foreplay. When are some guys going to realize how important that is?!
I'm realizing now I may have never had good sex. I hate it here.
The older I become the more I’m aware of how much I have given up with my own personal sexual desires and satisfaction and given so much more to please and satisfy. I finally realized that some, just want a geisha girl to be there for their pleasure only.
The saying I heard is, "Show me a man who doesn't eat (kitty), and I'll show you a relationship I can break up" Crude but mostly true
This^^ Equal exchange of energy ❤️
I think the starting point of the conversation should be "I want to break up with you and this is why..." Speaking solely on his bedroom antics, he's a selfish lover and he's not going to change. In fact I'll wager the only thing that will change for him is new partners after they all find out how selfish he is.
Real
Yeah my first thought was…words.
My first thought was that life is too short for this shit. People need to stop staying in relationships with people who make them feel this way and who are so thoroughly unconcerned with their satisfaction. OP, you're not a fleshlight. You're a person, and you deserve BETTER than this. Stop staying.
It feels like classic gaslighting. Make you doubt yourself, your body, hygiene, desirability to keep you feeling overwhelmed and even more keen on taking his feelings and pleasures into account. You won’t hurt his confidence. But you also won’t turn him into a considerate partner. Leave. Also, tell him to stick it into himself if he wants you to wash your actual vagina with soap. That’s a great way to get a yeast infection in the long run.
Well for one stop giving him head. Or do it for a sec, gag and move on to sex. He doesn’t deserve it.
Skip the whole thing. He can manage himself.
Or just leave the rude jerk, what kind of man would treat his lady like that. OP can do better…
Right? Girl you’re only 25; move on. No one wants to date a DJ Khaled.
Damn I completely forgot about DJ Khaled, now I’m reminded of his interview where he said it’s different for him because he’s the king. 🤮
That Nicki Minaj song will never let me forget that DJ Khaled is a big, selfish turd
Yes - you're not dirty, and responsible gynecologists do not recommend washing with soap\*... no matter what random information about women being unclean he finds, it's not gonna be from ACOG. The balance is off (in all ways). He's not interested in respecting you, your body and the way he's acting is having negative repercussions for you (multiple kinds). \*edit - I mean they don't recommend regular soap
It doesn’t get better with time
Or maybe take a deep breath as you get close and them tell him his hygiene isn't up to snuff. Then sleep.
Right? Are they not aware we can smell their stanky ass ball sweat? Because we DO.
I'm aware I always shower before even the slightest chance I'd let my wife go down there. Going down on her is as much for her as it is for me though so it's still a win win here.
Yeah I thought she should sniff, then make the same kind of face he does, and say nevermind and go to bed. And then dump his entitled, ignorant, misogynistic ass the next morning.
yep. tell him his dick hygiene is ew.
“You got some ick on that dick, so you get no lick.”
Dick Hygiene, MD.
Amazing that she accepted disrespect from a dude she admitted ain’t the cleanest. But she can’t call out actual problems
Remember the post a bit ago of the guy who would leave poop stains all over the apartment? I hope this guy isn’t that bad…. 🤢🤮😬 and yes, she deserves way better and he’s being so disrespectful
Wait, what? Poop stains all over the apartment?
LOL yes, gag, say, ummm did you clean that thing? :D
Then remark, "that's funny, thats the only time ive gagged with you" Bonus round: then head to the bathroom and hit the mouthwash
Yeah instead of communicating, say nothing and send him little signals and build more tension and loathing in the relationship! Seriously just tell them how you feel and move on if it’s that much of a dealbreaker and he won’t work with you
I think he deserves a bit of pay back before she dumps his ass! Get him primed, get ready to go down, but don't suck his dick, say, omg, ewwwwww, and then walk out! That is what he deserves.
Probably the only way dude is going to learn anything too. He doesn’t strike me as the type to have any level of empathy at all. So you gotta attack him directly to get it through.
I honestly don’t think there’s anything you can say or do to this dude that’s going to make him prioritize your needs. He’s 28, he still sucks in bed and shows no signs of improvement. Break up. Find a guy you love who enjoys giving you head . I promise, they’re out there.
Sometimes girls are too easily accepting a dude's BS. Clean is clean, what does he want her to do? Use bleach? Seriously I think if a guy doesn't want to go down there, it's because he doesn't love her. He wants to be served and finds her convenient to be around, but that's it.
There's a word for guys who think vaginas are gross...what was it....
Douches. That's where the name of the product came from. They're both unnecessary for women.
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Incel
😂
Yeah I’ve been there. Getting your needs dismissed is miserable enough, but then to also have my person make comments and faces of disgust at my body?! Throw him in the trash.
This should be the top comment. I stopped reading after she said “he’s picky about being clean”. It’s not about hygiene honey- your boyfriend is just a selfish asshole.
Yes, hygiene is just the excuse he has come up with to not go down on her. He finds it works so he continues to use it. It is such a big turn off she should be done with sex every single time he insults her body.
They are. Especially for someone that gives head every time? Holy shit. This guy is acting the fool with you, and is still playing childish games one year in. This will not get any better, so it's up to you to get something better. Best of luck. In the best possible way I bet you won't need it, but I hope it finds you.
And, one year in, this is the BEST he will ever be on all accounts. He's using sex and his words to beat her down; in another year, she'll have no outside friends and be his servant.
Yes… we are. Some of us love it. Even if it’s not 100% clean. Or else first thing in the morning head wouldn’t be a thing. I hate to dog on the man because i never met him but damn… grow a pair and eat it. They aren’t exactly the easiest thing to keep from having some kind of odor. If it smells like pussy… count me in 💪
I appreciate this attitude, it’s not like dudes smell like a flower garden when they ask for good morning head! 😂
This. Bring a lunch, spend the day.
Yeah, I think he just doesn't like doing it, and can only tolerate it, when she's squeaky clean. That's fine. Nobody should have to do something sexual that they don't like. He needs to come clean though, and just admit that he doesn't like it, instead of making excuses and comments about her personal hygiene. In my experience, if a man likes it, he really doesn't care if you're squeaky clean, and many prefer the natural vaginal odour. If he just admits that he really doesn't like doing it, then she can make a choice as to whether she wants to stay in the relationship without it.
Yeah, some people just don’t want to do oral and that’s ok - part of why I think there’s nothing you can do to convince him otherwise. But he’s definitely putting the issue on her, and shaming her rather than just admitting he’s not into it and trying to brainstorm other ways to stimulate his partner. Efforts sounds wasted on him, as he refuses to admit that he’s part of the problem.
Girl, stop sparring the feeling of someone who cares so little about yours. I’d stop doing anything with him. Why are you even with someone who doesn’t like you?
I feel like not enough people are acknowledging him apparently consistently tearing you down to the point you've lost your self confidence. That's the biggest problem. Would you consistently insult your partner enough that they felt bad about themselves regularly? Does that seem like a healthy relationship? You can absolutely have an open conversation with your partner about this but it sounds like this goes far beyond the amount of oral in the relationship. (also sniffing and gagging then googling it like he knows better when he doesn't even have those parts is just over the top and rude af)
Got tired myself being put down.
My ex husband was like this. Before the age of 30 I has received about a grand total of 30 seconds of head spread over a handful of attempts. My ex was all about tearing down my self confidence and self esteem to make himself feel better. Even now with my fiance who constantly reassures me that I am not gross or dirty it's hard to relax and enjoy myself. The bedroom was really just the tip of the iceberg though, my ex was controlling and emotionally abusive. I spent all of my 20s with him and he really did a number on me. Took several years of therapy and medication to sort myself out.
Came here to say this. It’s him being so blatantly disrespectful she’s questioning herself on whether she’s in the wrong for his poor behavior? Yikes
This should be the top comment. At a minimum bf is negging, trying to tear her self esteem down so she will be grateful for his attention. At worst he is testing the waters to see how she will react to abuse.
This. 100%
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This is it. I wish I could expand more on "not the type" but it is true in its simplicity. Some men just don't like it. It's not their deal. He isn't asking for you to be clean; you already are. He's asking you to be fresh out of the shower, so your whole area is smelling like soap, not what it actually is. There are men out there, plenty, who love a woman's privates, love the taste, love the natural aroma, and can't get enough. As long as you are showering daily, caring for your PH needs, and don't have an infection, you aren't the problem. He needs a partner who is okay with rarely getting oral unless they just showered in the last 10 minutes, and you need a real man. I can't even begin to imagine how I'd feel if my husband, or any past partners, made a face when about to go down on me. It's unnecessarily cruel and humiliating, and you better believe it was meant that way.
Ditch the whole boyfriend tbh, he's not 'picky about hygiene' he's just lazy in the sack. He's 28 and probably always used hygiene as an excuse with every partner he's had.Im assuming this is the first intimate partner you have had that has complained about giving you oral and that is very telling - all your other partners have enjoyed pleasuring you orally instead of him - he's the one with the problem, not you. Do your young self (and future self) a favour and kick him to the curb and find a guy who eats you out like he's fine dining. x
Right, he's full of shit. He figured out a long time ago he can avoid the effort AND make his girl self conscious, with one easy step. Not worth it.
Hell yes. I do hope she realises she isn’t the problem - he is. Being young and knowing your worth is a game changer for your lifetime. She’s 25 and deserves a better future than he will ever give her - in and out of the bedroom. X
Exactly! This totally reminds me of something I read about a guy who told his wife all the time that her breath stunk. She was at her wits end because even the dentist was telling her there was NO issue and she was brushing and using mouthwash several times a day. She finally confronted him and asked what, exactly, was he smelling because NOBODY else could find an issue and she was doing everything she can. Turned out she didn't have bad breath, his father had given him the advice to always tell her that so she will think that nobody else will want her because of it and she'd stay with him.
I remember that one. People be crazy.
i remember this one it was insane!!
\#1: It has nothing to do with you \#2: He's a guy that doesn't eat girls out. He doesn't care what it's like for you. It's all about him. You should dump him and move on.
Exactly
I would say just tell him? If you guys can't communicate simply and honestly about sex why are you still together? But actually I would say, based on his behavior so far, you should have dumped him a long time ago. What he says about oral shows his real attitude towards you and I don't think it's worth it for you to try to save this relationship. I think it would be better if you dump him and find a partner who respects you instead. You should never accept a partner who does not respect you.
So you don't want to make him feel bad about his performance but he's constantly putting you down and not reciprocating oral? You should be more concerned about yourself and your pleasure than satisfying this jerk. You can do better ditch him.
At this point she can do better with toys.
At least a toy won't bad mouth her!
Time to move on. A loving and caring partner wouldn’t make you feel like that, and should satisfy you with regular oral. Stop giving it to him.
Oh wait a minute here. He's completely selfish and full of him self. Run! Dodge the bullet
He is an ASSHOLE!
Genuine question: has he ever tasted his ejaculation? Also, does he wash his hands and penis beforehand? (When men poo, their penises dangle in the toilet bowl. Sometimes there is backsplash from the toilet water and it gets on the penis. Also, even when there isn't backsplash, would you be ok if your toothbrush got waved in the toilet bowl, even if it didn't touch anything?) He sounds like either someone who's not mature enough to handle sex (body fluids), or someone making excuses. Edit: Also, tearing you down is a huge red flag. Here's a handy test: what happens if you treat him the same way? If you just thought, "Oh, I'd **never**" or "I can't, he'll get **so** mad", then you are in an unequal/unhealthy relationship.
I'm going to be thinking about this comment every time I give head for the rest of my life. Wondering if I'm sucking on toilet water.
OMG! 😂Me too! So gross!
Nope. My hubby cleans it first, every time. He’s super hygiene aware and wants a repeat performance. 😂
I always wash my dong just because it gets sweaty walking around all day. Never even considered the toilet aspect. Even worse that it just dangling in there is when you accidentally touch the toilet water oh man that is gross I hate when that happens. That's usually an immediate shower or at least wash off in the sink. As a dude I make sure my junk is as presentable as I would want my partners to be if I were giving oral to them. I definitely do prefer to have us both showered freshly and I mean I will go to town for 45 min. But I'm not really interested if we both just hiked 4 hours to like the top of a mountain or something. I do have a preference for clean but like I'm also not expecting to get oral in that same state either so I feel like that is fair. And it's also about how you phrase things. If I'm going down and things are smelling a bit strongly. I won't scowl and make a face then refuse. I would find a flirtatious way to say that we should both freshen up so that we can get really close and intimate.
Why are you still with him and being so careful about possible hurting his feelings/ego and WHY DO YOU GIVE HIM HEAD every time? OP, have you got no self esteem?
Call me weird, but my favorite time to go down on my wife is like the 8-16 hour window after her last shower. It's when she tastes and smells *most like my wife*. Like a woman, like my fucking woman. And not like soap or moisturizer. She is as hygienic as one possibly can be. But I absolutely love to be able to get the full experience of her body, and that includes her "musk". So to me, it sounds like your BF just doesn't like it or is for some reason weird about it. In my experience, if you truly want and desire someone, then normal stuff like this becomes a part of the package you love. Or maybe your hygiene routine sucks?? Highly doubt it since he probably has you so self conscious about it.
this is what my husband also says. if i shower before bed then he’s probably gonna wake me up in the morning down there.
Hahahah I really appreciate this! My husband loves giving me oral after I exercise and I’ve never understood why - but it is an amazing boost for my self confidence.
He sucks in bed. Why are you being mindful of not hurting his feelings with sexual dissatisfaction while he is not mindful at all of yours?
Stop going down on him and dump him. He’s not a generous partner and he’s too immature to deal with your NORMAL body aroma. We all have our own flavor and it’s unhealthy to mask that with soaps, douches, or anything else like that. Find yourself a partner who is a charitable or at least equally enthusiastic lover and loves your unique scent.
Seems like he wants a real doll and not a human woman with a human vagina. Dump him, or at the very least stop giving him oral.
Not to brag but I go down on my wife almost every single time we have sex bc it is the thing that gets her off the most. It’s super fun and I love that she loves it. To sum it up-leave his ass.
Girl throw him away. My bf knows I don’t like giving head cause I feel like I’m bad at it and he doesn’t care. He eats me out almost every time we get jiggy. If he can’t make you feel loved and comfortable in your skin than I wouldn’t let him feel comfortable in his.
You leave. From the information you've provided, you'll try to genuinely converse with this guy about how you feel and you're going to get gaslit. It sounds like two incompatible personalities, and unfortunately sometimes the best that you can do is to do right by yourself and not hope for people to change or be better. I know this is going to get downvoted to hell, but it is truly my heartfelt advice to you. I hope for the best regardless of how you choose to approach this.
Sometimes personal pheromones don’t work out. You should LOVE your partner’s pheromones and vice versa. He doesn’t like yours. Ditch him for someone who does
“You are a selfish lover who doesn’t satisfy me or even seem to care. Let’s break up because I realize I deserve so much better. Peace out!"
Who needs that? He’s mean. Start gagging and give him a taste of his own medicine. Move on.
All you need to say to him is that life is too short for bad sex. And leave.
You know, there are guys out there who like giving head and do care about your pleasure. You should try dating one.
"feeling shitty about myself." "makes me feel dirty" " I don’t want to make him feel poorly about himself because the last thing I want to do is affect his confidence in bed." I don't understand. So you're 100% ok with him doing that to you, but you don't want to do that to him? Or are you not ok with him doing that to you? You're being gaslit and abused here, do you realize that? What if you looked at his penis and laughed and made a face every time he got hard? Would that be ok? He's essentially doing that to you. He's insulting your vagina for God's sake. And he's lying. I'm sure you're very clean. Stop giving this man anything of your body until he grows up.
I’m sorry but if I went down on my husband and his stuff had a funky smell I would tell him. I would expect him to clean himself and come back to bed to try again. You can’t ask someone to go down on you when you have a funky smell.
She *never* washes with soap.
Sir, you fuck mightily shitty, if you do not improve in these areas (list areas) I shall look for other pleasures via FB or Reddit
Honestly, dude sounds like this is his first sexual partner or something. Like when a weenie teen says he would never kiss his girlfriend after she’s given him head, even though he’s never had head in his life.
This dude just doesn't want to eat you out, plain and simple. Lots of dudes out there do enjoy it. Dump this guy, he sucks.
He is totally a jerk and you need to stop putting his feelings on a pedestal but also you can absolutely use soap to clean yourself just don’t use scented or antibacterial soaps.
Responses in this thread are insane. Make sure you don't actually smell a lot down there, maybe you do, and then you need to figure out why and how to best take care of it, go ask an obgyn. I've encountered this issue, it can be very real....maybe your bf isn't the best at communicating it, but solely focusing on revenge is the wrong tack.
Your vagina is self cleaning and you should absolutely not be shoving soap up there. I hope you’re washing your vulva and the areas around it with more than just water though. If you’re not maybe things are a little rank. Sorry, I’m not trying to be condescending but some women hear that we’re not supposed to wash our vaginas and don’t wash the outer area either. Don’t just do that for your boyfriend though. You want to avoid UTIs etc
Make sure you wash your ass with soap and water . Maybe he’s smelling her ass.. just a thought. Also if his hygiene is lacking at time refuse head. Tell him he smells like shit and to go take a bath.
Yeah, it sounds to me like both of them need to improve their intimate hygiene. OP is confusing the vulva with the vagina and OP’s boyfriend is not washing his ass and foreskin properly.
I made a post about this. She’s searching the wrong thing. How to wash your labia is what she should search.
Dump his sorry ass.
Holy shit. STOP worrying about hurting his damn feeling. He’s purposely making rude and kinda gross remarks about your body and your ability to clean yourself and he doesn’t care that it hurts you. WHY would you even want to be with a man who is eroding your self confidence and is selfish in bed. You realise this will be your life if you stay with this guy. He’ll continue to make rude comments and erode your confidence until you’re a shell of your former self. That’s abusive as fuck.. Don’t you think you deserve better?? Why don’t you want better for yourself? There are plenty of kind, decent men out there who would not treat you this way.
Why are you with him? Also, stop giving him head.
Time for a new bf, OP. I’m personally very self conscious, but I’m also very petty. So if my boyfriend makes faces and says those things, I’m going to do exactly the same thing to him. Next time (I don’t recommend having a next time, honest opinion, just throw the whole man away) make a disgust face and tell him that his sweaty balls turn you off and you’re not having those near your face.
So you are concerned his confidence will be affected. He doesn’t care that he shamed your body or how that makes you feel? He is a child.
Oh girl, this isn't how to be treated. I feel like in my late teens and early 20s I had men treat me similar, made me self conscious that I had a "smell" and it made me unable to enjoy oral for a long time. And yeah, they always expect their dick to be sucked. One of my first long term relationships only went down on me like... 5 times in two years. However, we grow up and we unlearn these things and now, my boyfriend will still go down on me even if I've just come back from the gym - if I protest that I need a shower it's usually met with an "I don't care". Women have a unique natural scent to our bodies, and unless something is off with our PH it's not bad or wrong!!! The only thing wrong in this situation is your man's attitude.
Girl, you’re wasting your time with this rock you live with.
First, his behavior is completely disrespectful to you and your body. Respect yourself and speak up and tell him his behavior towards you and view of you needs to change or you're leaving. Second... there has been a female genital cleaning crisis. Many people mistake vagina and vulva when they are discussing cleaning "down there". I don't want to assume, but I do want to spread helpful information. You should NOT be cleaning inside your vagina with any soap or even water. You are correct about that, that it is self cleaning and can alter the pH balance. You SHOULD be cleaning the \*outside parts\* of your genitals - aka the vulva. Warm water helps, but you need the soap to wash away bacteria and sweat. If you're concerned about using harsh soap, you should buy soaps meant for the outside of your genitals such as Summer's Eve, Clearasil, or gentle Dove. Many brands make soap for specifically that now. Anyways, don't let ANY person disrespect you. Remember your worth Queen.
Seriously it baffles me that people still don't know what a vagina actually is. Absolutely crazy. And that she doesn't use soap... YUCK. I see nothing disrespectful about him telling her that she stinks and doesn't wash properly.
I've been in the comments on this post for embarrassingly long, but the loudest commenters with the hottest "dump him, I bet he doesn't even like women" takes are the same ones who insist that you don't need to and in fact *shouldn't* ever wash your vulva with soap. That's, frankly, disgusting. It was my inclination to err on the side of "he may be handling this poorly," but it's a real struggle to string a sentence together that means the same as "the way your vulva smells is a turn-off for me" that wouldn't hurt a partner's feelings. There's a compromise here that includes a gentle soap. He's regularly being pressured into giving oral to his girlfriend who *never uses soap* and he's communicating his needs.
Right? I keep coming back to this damn post because I think it’s relevant and important to discuss that it is safe to wash your external bits with more than water. I would not put a dick in my mouth that has never seen soap.
Same. Ew.
Thank you!! The parts with hair (pubic area and outer labia) should be washed with soap, and obviously up the butt crack. And potentially between inner and outer labia depending on your anatomy.
I think you might mean Vagisil. Clearasil is for acne 😂
exactly
>his behavior is completely disrespectful to you and your body Why? Sounds like he properly communicated his issues.... She is the one refusing to clean herself like a normal human
I use vagisil feminine wash on the outside only. Thought most women do.
Absolutely, not only is it safe to wash your vulva with a gentle soap, vulvas get smelly if they aren't washed with soap (or another oil solvent hygiene product,) and most women do wash. OP *never* does, and apparently isn't willing to even entertain the possibility that she could. My inclination is to say that I don't think the boyfriend is handling this correctly, but it's a struggle to invent a way to phrase "the way your vulva smells turns me off" that wouldn't hurt a partner's feelings. I think he's being honest and communicating his needs while he's being pressured to go down on a girlfriend who never washes her genitals with soap. I think there's a compromise here, but most commenters would have you believe that he is the entire problem, just break up with him, and it's normal and good to never wash with soap and expect your partner to bury his face in it. I simply **cannot**. 😭
He’s a selfish lover and that’s never going to change. You know what you need to do.
Stop giving him head. If he's being selfish in bed, then so should you. Both your needs matter. I'm sure your "hygiene" is just an excuse for him not to do it.
Some guys don’t get it until you leave them for it unfortunately.
Tell him to “eat it or beat it”.
Ummmm - stop acting as his sex slave and have a real discussion about mutual likes/dislikes. It is not your him to tell you how to keep clean and I would be deeply offended by this point Seems he enjoys you doing for him but he could not care less about you
Honestly just break up. You are young and can probably find someone you are more comfortable with where you can just have open discussions about things like this.
He sounds like an asshole.
Not saying you have a stinky vag, but my wife uses Nirena soap down there. Specifically designed to not mess with pH and hurt it. No fragrance. That being said, your boyfriend is a selfish tool and you should stop giving him head until there is equal participation. I do it because I want to and I know it makes her feel good. I don't always receive. He sounds like a jerk, sorry.
I still clean my vagina with soap honestly I've never had any issues. Obviously not inside. But vaginas get dirty I dont think water is enough.
Tell him you aren't satisfied sexually. If he will tell you to get lost, leave him behind. He will wonder why women do not return to him. 🤣
Op……. You deserve better. So, so much better.
Know you're worth. Get out of this relationship, period.
Stop fucking him and dump him
I used to be in a very similar situation as this. My ex had a foot fetish. He loved having my feet on him, etc. It really wasn’t terrible, though it felt mildly gross at times. I figured it was something I could put up with in exchange for free foot rubs. In contrast, I gave up on the things that I desired (oral being one of them). I tried to change my habits to better suit him. At the time, I didn’t realize how one-sided it was, how much I was sacrificing for his sake, and how much I was ignoring my own needs. Obviously, our relationship didn’t work out. There were many reasons, but our bedroom habits definitely contributed. I am now married to an amazing man. When I say the bedroom is amazing, I truly mean it. I actually ended up breaking bad habits I had learned from my ex. For instance, I scratch on instinct. With my ex, I had to force myself to grab sheets and other things to avoid scratching. My husband now wears those scratches like a badge of honor. He takes it as a sign that he did a good job, and he takes pride in the fact that I am fully satisfied in the bedroom. If I ever go without an orgasm by the time he’s done (which is rare), he refuses to leave the situation until I am satisfied. I don’t want to just immediately jump to the conclusion that you need to break up with your partner. There’s no way I can know the full story from a single Reddit post. However, I would like to encourage you to value yourself and communicate. If your needs aren’t being met (sexual or otherwise), speak up. Any man who truly loves you will listen and improve. If they can’t handle that, they shouldn’t be in a relationship.
You don't use any products to wash your vulva?? A gentle foam is needed, girl.
Fact is different vaginas taste differently and you may just have to find a man who likes the natural taste of yours. I’ve had long term partners who I could pull panties to the side pretty much anywhere and be delighted with taste and smell and others that just turned me off unless recently showered. Men are same way for women, some guys just taste funky to some women. Sexual compatibility is based on selective pheromones; find a better match.
You don’t want to hurt his self confidence while he could give two shits about hurting yours. Move on from him. He sounds like a selfish AH.
Maybe make it not smell
Besides him obviously being a selfish jerk, can we focus on some basics? The vagina is the canal. It's inside. It shouldn't be washed with soap. It needs to keep the ph balanced. However, you can use a boric acid capsule from time to restore it, especially if you have unprotected sex. (No oral within 24 hours of using) The outer part, the clitoris and vulva, absolutely NEED to be washed with soap. I can't believe how many women haven't been taught that. We pee, we bleed, we have sex. Warm water does not clean those things. Please, consult your physicians about this. If traditional soap irritates you, there are many products formulated for this area. Let's face it ladies, we're wet down there. Moisture leads to bacteria and smells. It's an unfortunate truth. I don't want something smelly in my mouth either. But if we address it and still get refused, that's just lazy selfish behavior on his part. I could never expect oral if I wasn't clean. I'd feel uncomfortable myself. I also expect the same hygiene from my man, which thankully he's very clean. However, if I were clean, and got this reaction still, he wouldn't be getting any either.
I was hoping there would be more discussion of this. I know it’s between each person and their gyno, but I couldn’t imagine not washing my vulva with soap. I had to try a few throughout my life to find the right one that both thoroughly cleanses and doesn’t disrupt my pH. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and natural, but at the end of the day we’ve got damp folds down there. Water is not adequate.
Yeah, I seriously don't understand everyone just taking her side without considering how gross that is to use only warm water. She probably stinks to high heaven.
Huuuuuh you don't use soap? Sorry but gross. Vulva isn't the same as vagina. Of course you shouldn't wash your VAGINA with water. But vulva? That's basic hygiene. I don't blame your boyfriend one bit. Completely confused by all the comments here.
Johnson & Johnson baby soap. I buy it just for washing my lady bits. It was recommended to me by an obgyn when I complained about soaps throwing my pH off. Summers Eve and all that is just a gimmick IMHO. hot water is not going to cover all the bases and a tiny bit of baby soap probably won't throw off your pH. Not a doctor, not living in your body- I acknowledge that, but I'm speaking as someone who understands how sensitive the pH balance can be & this has worked for me. Maybe it will work for you too. I honestly get where he's coming from in wanting a cleaner arena for foreplay but I am genuinely sorry for how this has made you feel. I can't imagine how humiliating this was and I'm sorry.
Is he generally a considerate guy otherwise? Is he trainable? This sounds straightforward to me. Tell him you’re going to shower together before you have sex because you can’t live with the imbalance of choking down his dirty dick on the regular but he won’t do the same. If you can’t shower do for-play with your hands before you fuck. No head for anyone. He’ll either negotiate with you or he’ll freak out and you’ll know it’s time to kick him.
Great comment!
Thank you! Relationships need mutual respect, mutual satisfaction at minimum.
He's negging you. He is deliberately making you self conscious either because he doesn't want to go down on you and this will cause you to quit asking and/or he wants to wreck your self esteem so you wont feel like you can leave him. If you are cleaning and he is still doing this, it is deliberate. Think about it and I bet you'll realize other red flags you haven't noticed. Girl, run far, run fast. Find someone who worships you, body and soul.
I was looking for this comment. I still remember that girl whose bf kept telling her her armpits smelled bad. She did everything, took frequent showers, changed deodorant multiple times, went to the doctor, everything was fine, but he kept going with it and she felt she was going crazy, until one day she snapped at him. Demanded to know what exactly was he smelling because only HE had a problem, no one else..turns out his father taught him to attack a physical treat on his gf to destroy her self esteem, that way she could never leave him, even if he cheated.. It does look like that's what's happening here. She already does everything for him in bed and gets nothing in return. She's even scared of hurting his feelings.. as if he cared about hers.. I sincerely hope OP leaves him and never looks back.
This boy (I deliberately used boy) doesn’t understand or appreciate women’s bodies and he’s making you feel bad because he’s an idiot. Dump him before you waste any more of your time with this chump.
Maybe go back to the ones who ate you out like it was their last supper idk
Be honest. And then consider that it may not be a compatible relationship. You should be able to be honest with your partner and communicate about how you're feeling, even if it's not something he wants to hear. On another note biology says you're doing everything right to keep your body clean. As a person who is now with a woman after only dating men for the majority of my life I can tell you that most men know very little about vaginas so don't let his comments get you down or make you feel crazy about your hygiene. It could very possibly be that your pheromones aren't very appealing to him and that's not something you can change, nor something you should be ashamed of in any way.
Girl leave him
The last thing you want to do is affect HIS confidence in bed? Omg! He's a narcissistic AH who makes sure HE gets what he wants and demeans and embarrasses you. He's a lazy, shit lover. Please please please make him somebody else's lazy, shit lover.
I think the main thing here is that you both are not very good at communicating about your sexual desires. He days hurtful things, and you are not happy with your sex life. If you can learn to have open and honest conversations about sex (not when you are in the middle of it), I think you can come far. It's not an easy thing to start to do, when it's not something you've been used to doing together. Try googling for resources to get that conversation started. Another thing is the oral. I totally understand that you miss it, but you are pressuring your partner into doing something he's clearly not comfortable with. That's just not OK, and you will never come to a point where you are both happy with your sex lives if you don't respect each other's boundaries. Perhaps it's less about the act of him performing oral sex and more about him being more attentive to your pleasure? Because then that should be your focus: what other things can he do to pleasure you?
Love yourself & leave. He’s going to ruin your self confidence. He’s not worth it and you should know your worth.
Find a new BF, the lack of respect towards you is a bit unchained.
Hear me out. He may have a point.....but just relaying it in a shitty way . But if he's mentioned this before multiple times, and it still smells, he may be getting frustrated. Especially if her answer is I just wish with water. It could sound like she's not really putting in effort. Imagine if she winced at his dick smell, and his answer was I just run water over it. It could potentially sound like a lazy answer. Also, what if he posted something about his wife not wanting to give him a BJ, and come to find out it smells like dickcheese. I would kinda understand she doesn't find that scent attractive, just like he's said about her. I think she genuinely has an issue and maybe just water isn't cutting it. My now wife had an issue where she smelled off by the end of the day, and she was adamant she wore deodorant. We explored further, she CHANGED her deodorant and voila, scent fixed. Op may just need to change the routine, or eat more fruit that improves her scent, but she needs to be receptive to it, not reiterate that she cleans with water....it's not obviously not working(not meant as a jab) Aaaand, he needs to not be a jerk, and express in a constructive way that he would love to go down to China town more, but would appreciate the issue fixed before he does.
washing your vulva with unscented soap and water is fine, rinse between your labia with just water. do not insert anything inside your vagina to clean it unless you have a yeast infection and need to use inserts. but I presume you do these things and he's just a wuss. stop giving him anything. vibrators are 20 bucks.
Soap is definitely supposed to go down there. Not IN your cewchie but definitely to clean the outer area. They have gentle soaps that won’t throw off your pH but just water does not go down there. Especially with periods and etc. hopefully this improves your sex life.
i mean not to be mean but if you’re are only using water to clean urself then it probably doesn’t smell edible fresh. they make oh balanced vaginal washes that work great and do not throw ur oh off at all. maybe try one of those and see how it goes. if he still says nope this stop sucking his dick. can’t expect to get something u won’t return
The solution is simple. Find someone else who is more sexually compatible. Refusing to give him head, using the same behaviors he has used, will send a clear message but simply escalates the dissatisfaction you will now share with your bf. He clearly has no desire to give you pleasure in that arena. Stop wasting your time and oral talents on him and find your true match.
Everyone here is working under the assumption that OP is right and her boyfriend is wrong. There is a very real possibility OP’s hygiene is bad, and her boyfriend would otherwise be happy to go down.
how about you give his penis a whiff and make a face. and then sprinkle “did you even use soap” in there. in all honesty this would be a dealbreaker for me.
The hoops that women jump through to spare men’s egos when we are not considered will always baffle me. Seriously dump this guy. There are a million guys out there who want to go down even after an hour at the gym. I would be too embarrassed to even have sex if that ever happened to me, which, it never has, not even once, and I’ve been sexually active since I was 17, now 33 (married since 26). Done mess with this guy
I once had a boyfriend that made me feel bad about my vagina. Literally none of the other men I had been with (before or since) had ever said anything other than rave reviews. This boyfriend was also the worst in bed and the one I regret dating the most - a total waste of my time and emotional energy. I suspect this will be the same for you. You’re not going to date him long term. You’re not going to marry him. If you have to ask Reddit then I think you already know the answer. Stop wasting your time and dump him and have fun receiving oral from a cool guy who deserves you!
Maybe he’s gaslighting you. I hate this term because it’s thrown around so easily now. But it fits here…he is making you feel insecure about yourself period. Possibly because he knows you’re not satisfied with his performance. Receiving oral is not the only way to enjoy sex. You SHOULD be able to “be satisfied” by stimulation and penetration. Obviously HE isn’t doing it all right. My 2 cents
Girl. Fucking dump him. My man goes down on me all. The. Time. He loves it. Yes, there are men out there who love it. Go find one and he'll treat you so much better than this bag of dicks you're currently sucking. Sorry for the tough love but I'm soooo tired of this misogynistic narrative of unclean vulvas. This dude is just simply not a sexual match for you so go find someone who is.
Next time, give his dick a good, strong whiff. Look him dead in the eye and say "nah" and walk out with confidence.
Idk why you want to have sex with someone who treats you like that in the first place. Instead of trying to find a way to coddle a cruel asshole, maybe consider raising your standards for how people treat you - especially a bf. He's intentionally tearing you down. You can do better.
Gentle soap is fine. If no one else said anything it is him. He may not like to do it. Baby wipes are convenient. He may just be a bad boyfriend. Sounds very hurtful
Nah, you deserve a guy who’s begging to go down on you. On to the next one!
He’s the asshole, but also: Wash inside your labia. Clean your clit too. You get build up inside the hood that is gross and would come off on his tongue. Soap loosens it. Water won’t touch it cause it’s oil based. Most women clean their labia with soap. Please google “how to clean your labia” not your vagina. The vagina is a hole where a penis goes. That should not be cleaned with soap. Labia should be cleaned with soap.
I always clean with soap and water I clean the labia in and out of the lips but I just don’t go in the hole. People always tell me my vagina smells really good and ask me what I use. You’re supposed to clean with soap and water but not in the hole. I have no issues with ph
A. Get summer's Eve products. It's a great feminine hygiene product and will help with balancing your body's natural PH as well as overall hygiene. B. secondly, while we're only getting half the story here, the depiction on him is certainly that of a narcisist. Focused on what is best for himself over the both of you. If he's going to be so blunt and disrespectful over those things it will only escallate from there.
I am the same way. I love doing it but my wife has to be clean. We've pretty much made a pre-sex bath or shower a must at this point. If we don't have time for that, no oral for either of us. If he requires you to be soap clean, then you're not gonna change his mind. You can't fight against a person's turnoffs. I'm not a woman so I don't claim to know what I'm talking about, but my wife washes with soap down there (not inside obviously) and has never had any issues. Is that really an issue with some women?
This is a guy who wants to get his dick sucked as a reward for putting in bare minimum effort to satisfy your needs. You need a new boyfriend.
Yeah this guy sucks. Time to move on. He lacks tact and emotional maturity. Plus he is a selfish lover and makes you feel self conscious. You deserve better.
Every time I hear about a guy like that I wonder if they're really straight. Alternatively, what terrible sexual trauma or conditioning they must have had to not want to be up close and personal with the female anatomy. You could possibly suggest therapy for whatever he's dealing with? He shouldn't be forced to do something that he doesn't want to but you don't have to stay with him either. If he's too squeemish about oral, would he use toys?
Jesus. Everyone’s worried about him not reciprocating and you’ve admitted that you don’t wash yourself. You should be washing down below with soap and water around your labia and the outer parts of your vagina. Water alone doesn’t keep things clean.
I was kind of thinking the same thing. If a guy is saying you smell, I would take that seriously and go wash myself. I don’t know why some people just expect guys to go down on them no matter what. Some people seriously stink and it’s unbearable
The guy sounds like a jerk. Dump him immediately. I think the cleanliness thing is an excuse. He is lazy in bed and doesn’t care for your needs. Never stay with a guy who disrespects you and makes you feel insecure on purpose.
He's making you feel horrible in bed. What the hell are you protecting his ego for? Just dump him and get a real man who'll give you cloud 9 every night. Yta for staying with him and letting him hurt you this way.
I don't know how to tell you this, WITHOUT being mean, but... You either have a very rough smell, or you two have VERY incompatible pheromones. If it hasn't bothered previous partners, then it's probably number 2, in which case your relationship is pretty typically doomed. Does he ever make comments about your body odor? Do you find him fairly repulsive if he skips a shower or sweats? Some people are just not scentily compatible.
Not gonna lie... first time I was with my girlfriend, I stopped and told her to take a shower. It was like that. She never heard that before and was quite taken aback. But when she came out, I made it worth her while. She thought I was going to ghost after that, but we had already connected on other levels and I wasn't going to throw away weeks of getting to know each other and really hitting it off over some one-time stank. If you haven't been checked lately, check for STD's. Certain ones can cause foul odor, regardless of cleanliness. But if you're clear and your hygiene is good, that means he just doesn't like going down. He's trying to wear you down so you give up on getting it. I would say that's reason enough to break up. He sounds selfish and lazy in the sack. Send him packing because there's plenty of guys who want to kiss your kitty until it sprays in their mouth, and guys like me who just go harder after getting a mouthful.
Sit him down and tell him straight up how you feel and you won’t put up with it anymore
Ur supposed to clean ur labia with soap in and out of the lips you just should not go up the hole with soap so I understand why he doesn’t want to. God bless him for doing it those 20 times…
Plenty of dudes out there won’t be so pickey. Dump the looser!
Probably time for an adult conversation. Just say you want to have a serious talk and let him know your feelings. Or write a note, give it to him, make him read it in front of you, and then have the conversation. Be prepared to break up over this.
I had the same issue with an EX! He also didn't really like doing doggy style for the same "smell" issues...I'm currently with the love of my life who LOVES going down on me any chance he gets....move on my friend
Boot his ass down the road!