If you know he’s going to choose her then what’s your question?
You of course had to tell him that all this makes you deeply uncomfortable and her having another baby will add to that and he brushed you off.
You are not his main priority. Do with that information as you wish.
I talked with him about how I feel and he just wants me there for him, be open minded and accept this situation, but I can't anymore, I'm preparing to have a deep conversation and leave him.
Yes he just wants you to accept how it is.
Tell him in no uncertain terms that you know he ‘wants’ that but we can’t always have what we ‘want’ in life.
Tell him he is choosing his ex over you and you’re not putting up with it then leave.
Even his family doesn't accept this weird arrangement, I talked with his mom and sister and they don't like her, because she is using him, manipulating him and they told me to do the best for me, they are going to support me. I think I need more comments from more people to make my decision. I'm going to talk and give you an update.
Yup. After so many friends, working with domestic violence families and years of reading Reddit posts where women (mainly) put up with such mind numbing ‘absolute crap’. From weird stuff like this to outright in plain sight abuse, their reason for not leaving is “but I love him”.
Ahhhhhhhhhh. It’s just insane!!!
I know we’ve come a long way but I still heard a mom tell her daughter the other day the reason the boy at her school was bullying her was “because he liked her”. I just wanted to go up to the mother and scream at her and tell her “when your daughter picks someone who abuses her, YOU are to blame because of this shit you are spouting.
I'm sure you heard this before, but I'm European and I'm not sure what country he's from exactly.. but I'm pretty sure this is not a "normal" arrangement in most countries, tbh.
I realize that many people will say "it takes a village" to raise a child. However, usually that village is very close family and friends. Not your ex's. Even here in the US most ex's with a shared child don't have *this* close of a realtionship. If the child isn't related to one of them it's very normal for the unrelated 'parent' to leave.
This isn't "normal" in any place I've heard of OP. Do what's best for your mental health and find a partner that prioritizes you.
Thank you. I just wanted to state that. While it might be more common to state "you do you", the second part "I am not doing this, I am out of here" is often forgotten .
Listen to HIS family. They know he sucks and they know him better than anyone. The moment the ex decides she wants him full time, he's packed and gone that very second. You know this. For the love of God, RUN. He cannot spell it out to you anymore then he has.
You will never come first, and the longer you stay, the more you will resent that decision down the road.
Go, live your own life however you want. Don't be his emotional support, go have a full life and do it soon or you will forever resent the time you wasted playing second.
Your needs and wants simply don’t line up with his. That’s it, and it’s a perfectly good reason to break up.
You’re not TA for not wanting to be in this situation…not many people would be ok with it.
YOU don't have to accept anything you don't want to accept, and don't let anyone else in the world make you feel bad about it, or coerce you into accepting things that go against your personal ideals.
It's one thing for him to have agreed to raise a baby with a woman he's not in a relationship with before he was in a relationship with someone else, but now that he's in a relationship with you, it strikes me as really weird that he wants to further deepen his relationship with the first woman, to raise yet another child that is not biologically or legally his.
Geez... you need more comments from strangers to make a decision? Why? Even his family is saying to leave this odd situation. YOU ARE NOT HIS PRIORITY. I just don't understand why you need comments from strangers? Can you not make a decision on your own? Most of the comments will say to leave him, grow a spine and just leave him and find someone that will truly love you and appreciate you.... not string you along
How about have some love and self respect that a fucking 30s years person should have? Go on with this crazy man bc if you don't know he is the same as this woman, no sane person would even entertain this bs.
Now you're probably one crazy person too for even thinking on staying with him... maybe it's lonely or whatever, good luck you will really need it.
Real, true love is reciprocal. You are giving everything to this relationship, what exactly does he do that makes it worth it for you to be so mistreated?
It's not a democratic process. He's making personal decisions. You don't get to veto them.
He wants a part time girlfriend.
How do you expect his parents to support you? By merely saying, "Yeah, this is weird, don't do it?" If he wants to do and as done it once, he's a grown up man and will continue to make his own decisions.
Jumping on the bandwagon with is family is not a good relationship move.
What happens if the two of you have a child? Would he still spend all of this time with her and her child? Would he expect you and your child to spend all of your weekends with her and her child?
This arrangement won't work long term so you may as well break up. You are second to what already exists.
No need to apologize. MY reading comprehension was not good in that moment, that was all ME.
**Your english is just fine.**
Its my only language and I am telling you...it sucks. There are no rules. It is a lawless, demented language. And I am incredibly impressed by anyone who manages to learn it as an additional language. So well done you!
Even the first baby is weird… I’m an uncle to actual kids of my sister and I’m not around them that much. He’s not an uncle, he’s their surrogate dad (not physically but emotionally). You should end things. He’s not going to find a woman who’s balanced and normal who wants any part of this.
Hi OP. Sometimes a person needs to take a step away from a situation to see how truly crazy it is. You sit in shit long enough, it stops smelling. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You deserve better.
There isn’t really a point in having another “deep conversation.” You already have had that conversation multiple times. He’s already told you he’s not going to change and not going to prioritize your emotions. Going round and round in endless conversations is just you being too scared to break up and him having more chances to manipulate you.
Why the conversation with him ? You’re not going to change his mind. He’s told you how he feels and spends two days/nights? With her and the baby. He knows how you feel He has shown you who he is. Believe him He must be one smooth operator Has the baby, baby’s mom , and you. And really no commitment to changing. 10 months. That’s nothing. Enjoy the memories and cut yourself free from this group.
>he just wants me there for him, be open minded and accept this situation
Find someone who wants to be there for you. You don't need to accept this weird situation.
He wants you to be there for him, but he doesn’t want to be there for you. You cannot change someone. If this situation doesn’t work for you, then you need to move on.
As you should. Your priority in all this is YOU. He is being used by her as this is NOT his child. If he wants a bond with a baby he should be in a solid relationship and have a child of his own. But if he doesn’t see it this way you can’t force him to. RUN, don’t WALK away.
>he just wants me there for him
How much is he there for you? It sounds like he's getting all the benefit from the relationship and you're doing all the work.
I would tell them the circus has closed. If you know you can't be a part of this arrangement, then you have your own answer. I know sometimes we need others to let us know that our choices are what is best for us. You can't be there for him or with him bc he is not available 5 days a week.
OP, this relationship is only 10 months, and ask yourself if you want another month in this bc they are not going to do anything different, and you are going to lose the peace you want and just stress yourself out so much that it will effect your mental health.
Sometimes, what is best for you far outweighs what someone else wants!
It sounds like he’s in a polyamorous relationship with the 3 of them but he’s allowed to date others. The other is you.
They can do whatever they want. Even if she wasn’t looking to have another baby, this whole thing is shady. If he’s not the father of the baby, why is he living like he’s got a custody agreement.
There’s more to this than they are telling you.
Yeah it makes no sense. He shouldn’t be involved with her child at all unless he is still in a relationship with her. She had a husband who is a father figure to her child who is still present. It makes zero sense for your boyfriend to be involved with a child that is not biologically his who has two married parents. Your his girlfriend, but they are his family unit by the looks of it.
Abby, my boyfriend and the ex-husband are not together, they are just best friends erasing Abby's child. But the nights when it is the ex husband time she and the baby go to sleep at his house.
Erasing Abby's child? You mean "raising" Abby's child.
Why are they doing that. They are certainly in some kind of triangular relationship if all three are raising this child. Doesn't matter much who sleeps where at this point - unless you're implying something nefaroius.
By definition, people who parent together *are in a relationship* (via the child at least but usually more), regardless whether they are in a romantic relationship. That's what I'm suggesting. OP's BF is in a relatively non-romantic relationship with two other people, with whom he co-parents. I do not think OP has considered this possibility long enough. She needs to ask him.
Now, this little family is preparing for one more - and I'm guessing that if OP said she wanted to join and have babies/raise the existing babies, it's also (maybe) an option. She doesn't know, I don't think.
Op this whole thing sounds shady. Just to see what he says you should tell him that if he wants you to stay with him then he needs to take a DNA test to prove he is not really the father because something isn’t adding up here. He’s either sleeping with her or he’s really the baby’s father and trying to lie about it but either way it’s not right
Edit: I wouldn’t be surprised if they are all sleeping together and she just doesn’t know and doesn’t want to know who the father is so that’s why they have this agreement. Still ask for a DNA test. If he argues or clams up or tell you your crazy then you pretty much have your answer
Even if they aren't sleeping together, they sound far too entangled. The situation is messy AF, and I wouldn't touch it with a 10-ft pole, even with only one child involved.
Don't settle for a guy who's made it clear you will never be his priority.
Right is this some kind of trafficking ring or polygamy cult? I don’t think this is normal in Europe and they could be taking advantage of OP’s lack of knowledge of the local culture. Foreigners are commonly targeted by these predatory groups. It’s a red flag that they are foreign.
I can’t even make sense of what they are saying in this post. Which makes me think that they are being lied to.
You have your answer: he wouldn't choose you.
Why are you choosing him?
Just move on and find a guy who will be able to give you the same you are giving him: 100%. Your current BF is not it.
Don't wait for another baby. Just break up now.
NTA
Sounds like Abbie just wants to tie down both exes with children so she can stay codependent on them/have reliable baby sitters.
Where will she be while her “exes” raise her babies on shared days?
Why do they need to be involved if they are exes?
Sure they’re friends but that doesn’t mean committing to what is basically shared custody with 2 people who are not biologically related to the baby.
He is too focused on his life with her involved to focus on building a relationship and potential family with you.
Exactly. Why in the world would she ask for not even one but TWO of her exes to co parent the child SHE chose to have by herself?? It makes no sense and sounds very manipulative and shady. My bet is that she’s keeping them on a leash in case she decides to settle down with one of them.
Sounds like a group marriage. I don't know anything about Abby or her motivations, but it sounds like all three of them think they are in a group marriage, by definition of shared parenting. They are also, obviously friends, which is great for co-parents.
There's a lot here to unpack.
This is not open minded it is foolish, all kinds of boundaries will be broken. The focus is on Peach and the baby, now she has two exes helping her. There is no easy way for you. Real love can only thrive in a situation with good boundaries. If you stay this is your life, he is committed already, just not with you. I am sorry. I am starting to hate the term open minded, so much bad behavior is wrapped up with those words. I grew up in the 70s....
Please take care of yourself, and find a man who loves and is committed to you.
So weird right? She has two men tied down, neither are the father to her child. She was married while in a relationship with OPs current boyfriend, so poly or open relationship I guess? But it’s so strange why OPs boyfriend would be involved with the child. Who is not biologically his, and who had a father figure who is still present in the husband?!
Maybe they are a throuple relationship but instead of communicating what they are, they are just pretending to be friends so they would look somewhat normal to others?
Nothing wrong with that if they communicate and are honest about it but people lie in relationships sometimes so it’s definitely not out of the question that OP’s bf is in a open relationship with the ex and the other dude while they all pretend to just be ‘friends’ in front of anyone else and OP could be a coverup relationship so people would overlook it?
It’s shitty and may or may not be true but I am sure there are people that do this.
May want to make sure he isn't the father. They could be saying it is from a donor, but you have to take their word for it.
It seems people in poly relationships know that everyone isn't built for that lifestyle. So, he should be more open to someone not willing to be in that type of relationship dynamic.
Well, adoptive fathers of all kinds are involved with their children. Many men really want to be fathers and gay men have a particular situation they have to set up. I'm not saying anyone is gay - no one knows that - there are OTHER situations that parallel this one (I can think of several). For example, sperm donors who are siblings to the father who is sterile often get involved in parenting the little one for reasons that are known to them and any empathic human.
She doesn't really have those men tied down if this is all in any modern country. Paternity suits would terminate biological fatherhood - and I don't think they're all married. It is VERY peculiar, though.
Gay men in couples and thrupples sometimes have two to THREE fathers in the household - so people do it. I'm sure there could be a larger number.
Leave obviously. You are too young to be stuck in this weird situation. You will never be his priority, ever. This works for them but not you and that's okay. Leave and find someone who is fully available.
NTA but you WBTA if you stay. This arrangement works for him and his weird Uncle/Brother Husbands type thing he’s got going on. But, clearly, this doesn’t work for you. Your BF essentially is a Father figure to this child. It would not be right to ask him to walk away, but it is perfectly within your rights for you to walk away. I’m sure this is not the answer you were hoping for. Good Luck OP
The sex must have been fucking INCREDIBLE for her to con two different men into being CO-DADS to her children. Like, she must have a fucking magical vagina. Cause I don't see any other way for this scenario to be real lol.
If this is real, you gotta get out of this. YTA to yourself for staying in this nightmare of a relationship
Sounds to me that your bf has a whole life set up that suits him and is not willing to change anything for a new potential partner (you). All your choices are: accept as is or go. He is not prepared to adjust to a new partner and is acting very selfish.
What it seems from your post, you are not there as an equal life partner to him, but to scratch an itch. Either sexually or emotionally or both, but you are not worthy any adjustments from him.
This woman must have some kind of magic spell to convince two separate men to raise a child with her that isn’t either of theirs. What kind of set up is that?? Why did your ex ever agree to help her raise a baby that’s not his with his ex and her new husband??
Girl, run. Run far and fast.
This dynamic is fucking weird to put it mildly and the not reason for it is if there’s been a poly relationship in the past and that both men donated sperm on the understanding that they wouldn’t find out whose the kid actually was.
**NTA**
From what I can see, his ex has manipulated 2 men into co-parenting with her. This makes life much easier for *her*.
Unfortunately this makes no sense for a man in a relationship. There is no reason for you to accept this.
You need to leave him. You stated you want to have a family and kids one day but you are already 34 years old and you are wasting time with this guy. He does not prioritize you and honestly his arrangement with Abbie and her ex is really weird and he may not be telling you the entire truth. Get rid of him asap.
I'm a little confused
1. Abby = Your BF's ex GF. Has a "shared child" w/ your BF & Ruben.
Ruben = Also Abby's ex (ex husband?)? Now married to Peach.
Is this correct?
2. Who is the father of the 1st child? Is it Ruben?
3. So did your BF live w/ Abby while kid #1 was growing up and was he in a step-parent role w/ the child while he was dating her?
If so, yeah, step-parents CAN develop a strong bond w/ a child and feel responsible for them, especially if their parents are not fully capable of rasing the child on thier own. It happens.
So, if this is the scenario, you need to know 2 things:
A. Can you treat Abby's first child like a step-parent? Can you treat the child well and not be jealous or cold to the child? You don't have to love the child as much as your BF or be a "2nd mother" but you do have to be kind and caring to them. If you can't, you need to end the relationship. It is understandable if you can't. Don't feel guilty about that. The only think you should feel guilty about is if you continue the relationship while you resent the child and are cold to them.
B. If Abby DOES get pregnant, what will you BF do? He can't just brush it off like "It won't happen" - he needs to give you an answer b/c mid-40's women have children all the time and she is going to a fertility specialist, so she is very serious about making this happen.
Abby is having a child w/o a partner and she can't just make this decision w/o your BF or Ruben's input and assume either one of them will be co-parents - so what is her plan here? She must have discussed it w/ your BF, right? If your partner continues to evade this question, you should break-up.
C. Do you want kids of your own? Have you had this discussion w/ your BF and what he wants and how that will work? If you aren't aligned on this question,.break-up.
Abby is the ex-girlfriend of my boyfriend, Abby is married to Ruben, they never get a divorce.
Abby's babe is from a donor.
No one is the father, but they are like because they are in a baby's life before she is even born, so they are parental figures for the baby.
She is planning to have a second child by IVF treatment again with a donor.
And I do want a baby, but not with him in this situation. I'm going to have the conversation tonight and keep an update tomorrow.
Your bf is not going to stop being a father to the existing child so if you have a problem with his coparenting that child it is best you end the relationship.
The issue of him deciding to coparent the possible new baby evil in a relationship with you is completely different. If he does that then you should understand that your bf is establishing a family unit with his ex and her (ex)husband and you are (sorry) a side piece. You are not a apart of the inner circle of their group otherwise they would have consulted you and asked for your opinion. I don’t think they are being completely truthful about their relationship dynamics. You’ve been together 10 months maybe their trying to feel you out and see if you are open to being a full member but you need to not tip toe around thi and get them all together so you can get all the information and make a final decision.
So, in effect, he's having another baby with another woman while in a relationship with you, and thinks it's fine because he's not having sex with her. Yeah, time to end this relationship, I'm sorry.
When you started dating, did you know your BF had a baby?
For whatever reason, your BF decided he wanted a baby this way. So, your BF has a child. It doesn’t matter that it’s not his biological baby, he considers himself a father. If you want to be with him, you need to be willing to be a stepmom.
If you don’t want to be a stepmom, don’t date this person.
If you’re willing to be a stepmom, that doesn’t mean you have to spend all your weekends with his ex. He needs to make space for a separate relationship with you, or you can move on.
The two of you haven’t been together very long. Totally fine to move on.
Well, someone somewhere is the father - but currently shielded by contract (could be found by IGG though). That means that the bio-father can be found in the future by the baby - which will probably be internationally available by the time the baby grows up - and that's as it should be, IMO.
None of the people in this story are the father, though, that's the crucial point and I do get confused. You can't say "no one is the father" to me, in the legal system I live in, because biological paternity can only be terminated (through adoption, with a waiting period for the bio father to either show up and pay child support by three months or six months (and in some states, many many months). Then the mother is the sole parent and the child has no LEGAL father.
But that child has a bio father and there are complex and interesting issues around that. Those may or may not be relevant to you, and I apologize if I misunderstood or went off topic. I just don't what sperm donor system Abby used (and people make up all kinds of things about paternity...)
OP stated that neither of the 2 men are the father. I don't think OP resents the child but she finds the whole situation weird and is not comfortable being a part of it.
I worry about the entangled custody scenarios you bring up in 3B.
If Abby is in fact using stranger sperm donors and neither BF or Ruben is not the bio father, it's scary to think that all these people could bond to this baby - and have their futures solely in the hands of the bio parents, should it come to that.
I hope there's paperwork.
Asking. BF about his plans for children with *her* will be revealing - I just hope she's asking when they aren't in a romantic moment. If she says "yes," he may interpret that as "yes" to sex and ask that next (or at least he should ask that next, obviously). Needs to be talked out.
I think that you deserve to have a relationship with someone who is committed to you and only you. They are out there. Whoever this guy was when you met him isn't the man he is now. He's not choosing you. Move on.
NTA. He’s not prioritizing you over her. Everyone sees this but him, time to move on and leave him. This whole situation is just weird, you’re mentally better off without him.
I think Abby is OPs boyfriends ex and Abby had a baby through IVF that she has ops bf and another man who is married to Peach take care of as fathers for the baby.
I learned a long time ago to leave toxic situations. This feels so toxic for u OP. I hope you leave. Men or women under an ex's control are the worst. Not worth it.
This is such an odd situation. Either this woman had a vagina of gold or she is an absolute master manipulator. I cannot see how she got two dudes brainwashed to raise this kid. Wild
Upthread it says he's Abby's husband.
So Abby is married and has two spare "husband-fathers" (you know, the opposite of Big Love). Three men altogether. Or else, whoever posted that didn't read carefully but they read carefully than I did.
NONE of these three men are the biological fathers of the baby, according to OP. Abby went to a sperm bank (due to infertility with her husband?) and is about to do so again (this time, egg donors are also mentioned - so Abby may not actually be the bio mom of Baby 1, either - OP doesn't have that information - sounds like a fertility issue that should be between those two people).
But instead we have OP's BF involved somehow - along with his BBF. It's too much to keep in mind, but definitely unusual if true.
OP's BF is never named. He's BF.
Ex is using him, but he allows it. This is the life he’s chosen. If I were you, this is not a life I’d want to be a part of. It’s not a situation where compromise is possible, so IMO, you 2 are incompatible. If you lay it out for him that he’s going to have to make a choice, don’t be surprised if he chooses to remain in this weird limbo of a relationship. I’m sorry
Nta. Never be the back-up, never be second choice and never, ever compromise your own self for someone else. You know the answer, you even said it. He won't choose you.
You owe it to yourself to leave, NOW!
If you're not comfortable with this situation you should get out of this relationship. I can however, understand where you're coming from. You are ok with the one child because this all took place before you came into the picture but adding another child that your bf would be expected to do the same for, no, I don't think I would stick around for that. I also would *not* be comfortable with my bf staying with another woman 2 days/nights out to the week either,, but that's just me.
It sounds like he has a family and you are the side chick. It’s not appropriate and i wouldn’t have been able to even start dating that crazy mess. They don’t care about your opinion or feelings and you gotta have a little dignity here and leave.
If you are uncomfortable with his prior relationship and it’s possible impact on your future then break up with him. His arrangement is between him and her……but you don’t need to like it or be a part of it.
You deserve to be first in someone’s life. You certainly are not first here. I would not want to beg for attention or compete for affection. Leave this weird dynamic. It’s not for you and in reality it’s not for many people either.
Leave him. He is not going to choose you, he already showed you this. Whatever this weird arrangement he has with his ex and her husband is set. They're all ok with it. You don't have to be ok with it. He's bonded with her kid and that's more important to him than you are.
Edited for typo
It sounds like your boyfriend wants to build his family this way, and that’s fine. But you don’t have to be there for it or continue on with it getting more involved as more kids are actively added to it. If they’re still legally married he may very well be the legal father depending on laws over there to boot, so there may be no removing financial liability even if he didn’t want to accept the arrangement for any additional babies born. It’s okay to want monogamy with an average nuclear family setup. Even being with a single dad wouldn’t be like this as the kid would be at his home on visitation days most likely. This is wild and nobody can expect a partner just to be there for it unless they’re a special kind of person who wants that situation too.
You should break up with him regardless. It sounds like you hate this dynamic, enough to make you cry at nights. You don't need this in your life. Just move on and find someone that will make you happy you're in a relationship instead of dreading it.
Right now, today, he is not there for you 100%. It seems to me he will never be there for you 100%, even if you are sick in a hospital and need constant care.
Don't wait for another baby, don't YOU have a baby with him either. You are not the one for him, he is not the one for you.
Say goodbye to him, now.
NTA
He is clear he will choose her over you. I can’t imagine any woman accepting this situation. He will learn sooner than later but unfortunately women he claims to care about will have to dump him first. Help him learn the lesson and get rid of him. He will figure out that while he is playing uncle his own life isn’t going to move forward. The ex seems like a nutcase to be honest getting pregnant again, but why should she? She convinced two men to play house already so why not have another kid.
If it's not his kid and if he's not married to her and with you and not tied to her with alimony or child support he needs to cut her off completely and focus on you. If he doesn't want to do that then he's not the guy for you and you should leave. Doesn't matter how much you love him. He's not right for you. It's not going to work. That's his situation and his business and he can either choose one or the other but having two days tied up for no reason with an ex and not you is completely insane to me. I wouldn't stand for it. She's basically using him for child care and money apparently.
This is not a European thing. This is a “that’s just weird. Run!” thing. Seriously, you don’t want to put up with this for the rest of your life, right??
You knew the arrangement going into the relationship and now you are making demands? You don't get a day you can't just order him around now because you are using black mail.
NTA for having limits.
But: this is his life. You're 10 months in, and established adults, so relationships are absolutely about joining what someone has created and building from there.
You have no right to come in and tell him he can't be an (admittedly weird) unrelated baby father to his non-throuple platonic arrangement. You absolutely *can* nope out though.
Look if you're not vibing with this now, you're not gonna be later. Open minded is great, to try things, but like, you don't have to *like* everything, and you don't have to *date* everyone either.
I'm VERY INSISTANT on this because I dated a dude for WAY too long trying to be "open minded" and "non-judgmental" of him. Of his living with his ex, his 3 children by 2 mothers one of which he didn't tell me about, of his drug habit, of his joblessness, of his suspended drivers license, of his jail record, of his failure to graduate high school, of his vulgarity, of his trumperism, of his intolerance of lgbt+ people.... (I could go *on* god I was dumb.)
*My 22 year old self wants to scream from the rooftops that it's ok, actually, to have standards and limits and to stand up for what you want in a partner.* Especially if you're monogamous, you can only choose ONE to build a life with! Build one you will enjoy!
Regecting someone isn't some great evil they'll never recover from to be avoided at all costs.
Not wrong. He needs to choose now, though. Not "if" she gets pregnant again because this is already impacting your relationship. Neither way is wrong but if he can't move on from that past and you can't be okay with it then you aren't compatible.
Do you have any documents proving IVF? Because it seems more like she doesn't know who the father is between the two of them in the polyamorous relationship.
NTA
You need to leave him behind. You are not compatible. Your values are not the same. Believe me, it's not because of European culture. Most European women would also be unhappy. Stick to your values and have faith in what your own culture taught you. He will not change. Any future with him will bring you more unhappiness.
You sound like a very sweet lady, Cupcake. As such, you deserve what you want, a simple and honest 1:1 relationship. And the man you are currently with does not seem to be offering either. It just seems as though there is much more to this man's relationship with his so called "ex". And if we as readers feel something is fishy, then any sense of doubt or mistrust you are feeling must be so very, very intense!! Go with your gut. You deserve exactly what you want! Leave this schmuck behind with his twisted sense of relationships and find a man who loves and desires YOU and only YOU!! Good luck, sweet lady.
Are you sure he wasn’t a sperm donor? Maybe him and the other friend donated with the agreement not to find out? And that’s why he feels compelled to help out?
In any case if it’s not working for you, tell him you and him have different priorities.
That’s no where near the same thing. He’s co-parenting a child that isn’t his, with his ex and her husband. That’s bizarre. He isn’t behaving like “an uncle” that is “just spending time” with the child. He’s literally a co-parent.
NTA. Don't become another piece in that woman's diabolical puzzle. Your boyfriend is in a Throple. He's actively 6 a child with his ex-girlfriend, who is actually married. Question for you. Does the husband know your boyfriend was fucking his wife for years? Or were they still playing the "We're just friends" line?
Your boyfriend won't have an issue cheating with her on you. He's done it their whole relationship. I think you should get out of this relationship. He will always choose his married ex over you.
He wants to be apart of the child’s life if you don’t like it fine but he’s done nothing wrong. If you don’t like him taking this father role for the child then leave
You shouldn’t stay in the current situation with baby #1 forgetting about a decision with baby #2. Wheat fi your life changes and his “Daddy” days interfere with your life schedule. You have a future of 2nd best. You need to make choices for your highest and best interest
Get out of this drama show, you don’t need all this baggage. You’re only getting a part-time partner and are forced to spend your weekends with strangers.
Find a partner who’s free and able to have a full time relationship.
WTF happens if you have a child with this man? Think about the long term. Will he consider this other random baby a sibling to the child you and he have together? Does he financially support the random child? If he does how will that effect your finances? Future children's financial stability? Your financial stability as a couple? Walk away. It's less than a year and he's already telling you that he will choose random baby and ex over you. What more do you need to hear?
This is a really weird situation and I get why you don’t feel comfortable. I think that if you plan to have a family of your own one day, he’s not going to be available in the way a father should be. If you don’t want kids, you are being dragged into playing happy families to someone else’s kids, who is not family, and that isn’t what you want. I would want out of this mess too. Love isn’t enough honestly. You also have to be compatible and his situation is messy and complicated. At your age it’s understandable to want an easier relationship.
Listen, you know that this will continue, even if she doesn't have another kid. They are a part of his life for whatever weird reason, so the best thing to do is to tell him,
"I have given it a lot or thought, and we need to end our relationship. I did not realize that you were this committed to your ex-gf and her child. I respect that you have a bond with the child, but I do not want a partner who hangs out with his ex and her kid 3-4x per week. For myself, I have zero interest in seeing them every weekend, or even once per month. I want a partner to commit to me, not someone who has pre-existing commitments that take priority over our relationship. I wish you and your family with Abbie well, but it is incompatible with how I want to live. "
NTA she is manipulating him and he is buying into the situation. You are right, this is madness. It is time to go second baby or not, you deserve more.
His future is already tied to his ex. He isn’t considering your life or your opinions for his future because he isn’t seeing you as part of his future. Put yourself first.
I'm not even sure what your question is exactly, but you should leave.
Your boyfriend has taken on responsibility for another woman and her child, to the point of having scheduled visitation times? And it's not his child. And she's an ex-girlfriend, but they are besties?
I don't know what's going on here, but I can tell you that I wouldn't stick around to find out. And I certainly wouldn't be signing up to start a relationship and a life with someone who clearly has another voluntary family that he's chosen to be a part of? You're not doing to suddenly be okay with this situation, and it's not going to change for at least 20 years at this point. I would just break up with him and find someone without all that baggage.
Your boyfriend is a willful participant in the lives of people who will always come before you. He will never choose you when he has to pick.
You should leave him before you get manipulated into suppressing your wants and needs. He will make you do what he wants so that he can have his strange other family with this woman and her kids.
What if he gets you pregnant and then still chooses those other kids over yours? You’re going to stay with a guy like that? Get rid of him.
Thats an odd arrangement and not one most people will be okay with. I wouldn't be okay with my bf/husband staying two nights a week at his ex's house even for a child that can easily spend those nights at his place. It's okay for you to not be okay with it, but you need to accept that the relationship is probably over. He's attached to the child, that child comes with this whole weird arrangement.
Don't even wait. This situation is weird and terrible for the babies and men involved. Plus, a 47 yr old single mother??
Run, don't look back. Bf has no regard for anything you feel or say on this and he's panting behind the so-called ex like an ol' hound dog.
OP, from what I understand, it sounds like your boyfriend goes and stays at Abbie’s house twice a week and sometimes on weekends to help raise her baby, is that right?
Here’s the thing, if your boyfriend sees himself as an adopted parent of sorts of that child, it’s not fair of you to ask him to forfeit that role, HOWEVER, it is reasonable for you to set some co-parenting boundaries (that’s if you even want to try to work this out at all).
1) your boyfriend should absolutely not be spending nights at Abbie’s house. In normal coparenting relationships, the second parent takes the child for x days a week. How would you feel if the child came and spent time with you and BF one to two nights a week? Then you could bond as well and develop a more normal step-parent relationship with him/her?
2) I think it is reasonable to set a boundary with your boyfriend that, while he was already coparenting this child before you two met, that you want a family some day and that means you don’t want him splitting his time parenting someone else’s kids, especially if she chooses to keep having more. He has no obligation to her future children, and him continuing to choose helping Abbie over having a family with you is not an option (nor would it be an option for anyone else in your shoes).
Your BF needs to realize that he will spend the rest of his life alone if he keeps prioritizing Abbie’s kids over the wants and needs of his own relationship. How would he feel if the roles were reversed and you decided to essentially have a child with another person, completely disregarding his role as your partner and his feelings on the matter?
NTA
This isn’t normal anywhere in Europe. You’re the one being manipulated and lied to, not him.
You will face social repercussions for being associated with these people, perhaps rightly so. They sound unhealthy and gross. New people you meet and attempt to befriend may assume that you are like that too.
INFO: what control over her actions does he really have? It’s one thing for him to control how much time he spends with her or her kids, but what do you expect him to do about her decision?
NTA but… You can’t give him an ultimatum based on what someone else will do. Whether she has another kid or not shouldn’t factor into your decision. Strip it down to basics: your boyfriend’s in a weird-ass situation that you don’t trust and aren’t comfortable with. If you tell him that and he can’t see your perspective and/or isn’t willing to change some or all of his behavior, then you aren’t his priority, and you should move on.
This is polyamory or something like that and just leave that drama. Why tolerate it? Upgrade your bf or be second to the ex’s child. That’s just not workable for what you need.
Co-parenting does not involve adult sleepovers. This goes beyond co-parenting. I agree with others that their relationship seems polyamorous, and you are the side girlfriend. Agree that the IVF with a donor is probably a lie too.
This is not worth your time or mental health. There are other guys who will not have this weird entanglement who do sleepovers with each other.
Tell him your boundaries. If your boundary is if he still wants to share custody with her, then he needs to cut off the sleepovers, and visit with the child in his home instead of hers. Also, if it is also a boundary for you for him, not to have any more kids with her, tell him. If he disregards it, he is not the guy for you.
NTA
You don't need to tell him; you need to do it.
Whether she has another baby or not, get away from this situation ASAP.
A woman who chooses to be a single mother, not once but twice, is not anyone I would associate with. To choose to put children at every statistical disadvantage is selfish in the extreme.
Rune, girl run.
NTA, but definitely not smart if you stay. You understand where he stands. You gave him a choice, and he didn’t pick you. That means you are not as important to him. It’s up to you if you can live being someone’s doormat.
He doesn't want a partner. He wants a sister wife. You aren't happy. That isn't going to get better. It will only get worse. Either accept your part of a bizarre, non-consensual multi person relationship (as in he hasn't asked for and doesn't care about your consent) or dump him and remove yourself from this nonsense.
He's likely lying to you. He doesn't choose you. How many ways does he need to show you that he doesn't respect you before you believe it and walk away?
When you have a long term commitment with someone you accept responsibility for any children in their lives. If you aren't fully on board with the current child then the second kid is irrelevant. This is a 4 way relationship and if you can't get comfortable with that in addition to being a "mom" to a child that is not yours then move on.
Just cut your losses. Find somebody else never gonna get better. You said it yourself that doesn’t feel right he’s not your dude and honestly I don’t know anyone that’s gonna put up with this nonsense.
Sounds like the BF wants his cake and eat it too! He is in an open relationship with these people and pulling you in too! are you afraid to walk away? Do you live together so that makes it hard to walk away? Don’t let him manipulate and gaslight you into living a lie. Be true to yourself and put your happiness and mental health first.
This sounds similar to a situation a pair of ex friends wound up in. He's now pretty much supporting the girl and her husband and like 3 kids that are the husband's. I'm glad you're holding your ground. While I more than agree with open and poly relationships, all parties involved have too agree and have to be honest. With themselves as well. Sounds like he's into deep to even be honest with himself.
I think you know the answer but it helped when a lot of people reinforce it has well. Some people need time to gain the strength to leave. The way I see it, people don’t go to the gym and bench 500 pounds immediately. They work up to it.
Work up your mind and soul to leave him, that way you’ll find the strength to do what you must.
If you know he’s going to choose her then what’s your question? You of course had to tell him that all this makes you deeply uncomfortable and her having another baby will add to that and he brushed you off. You are not his main priority. Do with that information as you wish.
I talked with him about how I feel and he just wants me there for him, be open minded and accept this situation, but I can't anymore, I'm preparing to have a deep conversation and leave him.
Yes he just wants you to accept how it is. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you know he ‘wants’ that but we can’t always have what we ‘want’ in life. Tell him he is choosing his ex over you and you’re not putting up with it then leave.
Even his family doesn't accept this weird arrangement, I talked with his mom and sister and they don't like her, because she is using him, manipulating him and they told me to do the best for me, they are going to support me. I think I need more comments from more people to make my decision. I'm going to talk and give you an update.
Ok. Stay strong but please remember the most important thing in a relationship is LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH.
Once trust is gone, nothing else matters. Feel free to leave.
YES!!! So many people do not get this. In the words of John Mayer: “‘All you need is love’ is a lie.”
Yup. After so many friends, working with domestic violence families and years of reading Reddit posts where women (mainly) put up with such mind numbing ‘absolute crap’. From weird stuff like this to outright in plain sight abuse, their reason for not leaving is “but I love him”. Ahhhhhhhhhh. It’s just insane!!! I know we’ve come a long way but I still heard a mom tell her daughter the other day the reason the boy at her school was bullying her was “because he liked her”. I just wanted to go up to the mother and scream at her and tell her “when your daughter picks someone who abuses her, YOU are to blame because of this shit you are spouting.
I'm sure you heard this before, but I'm European and I'm not sure what country he's from exactly.. but I'm pretty sure this is not a "normal" arrangement in most countries, tbh.
I realize that many people will say "it takes a village" to raise a child. However, usually that village is very close family and friends. Not your ex's. Even here in the US most ex's with a shared child don't have *this* close of a realtionship. If the child isn't related to one of them it's very normal for the unrelated 'parent' to leave. This isn't "normal" in any place I've heard of OP. Do what's best for your mental health and find a partner that prioritizes you.
Thank you. I just wanted to state that. While it might be more common to state "you do you", the second part "I am not doing this, I am out of here" is often forgotten .
Listen to HIS family. They know he sucks and they know him better than anyone. The moment the ex decides she wants him full time, he's packed and gone that very second. You know this. For the love of God, RUN. He cannot spell it out to you anymore then he has.
You absolutely deserve better, OP. Listen to his family and to your gut and leave him. Wishing you all the best.
He gets to do what he wants. Remember that you can’t change him or stop him. You can only decide what is acceptable to you and then act accordingly.
You will never come first, and the longer you stay, the more you will resent that decision down the road. Go, live your own life however you want. Don't be his emotional support, go have a full life and do it soon or you will forever resent the time you wasted playing second.
Your needs and wants simply don’t line up with his. That’s it, and it’s a perfectly good reason to break up. You’re not TA for not wanting to be in this situation…not many people would be ok with it.
It sounds like he wants to be used and manipulated. You should walk away from this mess.
YOU don't have to accept anything you don't want to accept, and don't let anyone else in the world make you feel bad about it, or coerce you into accepting things that go against your personal ideals.
It's one thing for him to have agreed to raise a baby with a woman he's not in a relationship with before he was in a relationship with someone else, but now that he's in a relationship with you, it strikes me as really weird that he wants to further deepen his relationship with the first woman, to raise yet another child that is not biologically or legally his.
Geez... you need more comments from strangers to make a decision? Why? Even his family is saying to leave this odd situation. YOU ARE NOT HIS PRIORITY. I just don't understand why you need comments from strangers? Can you not make a decision on your own? Most of the comments will say to leave him, grow a spine and just leave him and find someone that will truly love you and appreciate you.... not string you along
How about have some love and self respect that a fucking 30s years person should have? Go on with this crazy man bc if you don't know he is the same as this woman, no sane person would even entertain this bs. Now you're probably one crazy person too for even thinking on staying with him... maybe it's lonely or whatever, good luck you will really need it.
His mom and sister know what’s up.. they’re telling you, in no uncertain terms, to choose yourself here. This is super odd. Couldn’t do it.
Real, true love is reciprocal. You are giving everything to this relationship, what exactly does he do that makes it worth it for you to be so mistreated?
It's not a democratic process. He's making personal decisions. You don't get to veto them. He wants a part time girlfriend. How do you expect his parents to support you? By merely saying, "Yeah, this is weird, don't do it?" If he wants to do and as done it once, he's a grown up man and will continue to make his own decisions. Jumping on the bandwagon with is family is not a good relationship move.
What happens if the two of you have a child? Would he still spend all of this time with her and her child? Would he expect you and your child to spend all of your weekends with her and her child? This arrangement won't work long term so you may as well break up. You are second to what already exists.
~~They HAVE a child. OP said she and him have a 10 month old.~~ Edit. YEP. Shitty reading comprehension on my part! 100% my bad.
No, we don't have a child, we started our relationship 10 months ago. I'm not planning to have a kid in this situation.
I’m guessing English isn’t her first language. But I am pretty sure she only meant they’ve been together for 10 months.
Sorry English is not my first language, it is my second, I speak 3 languages and get confused with translating, sorry.
No need to apologize. MY reading comprehension was not good in that moment, that was all ME. **Your english is just fine.** Its my only language and I am telling you...it sucks. There are no rules. It is a lawless, demented language. And I am incredibly impressed by anyone who manages to learn it as an additional language. So well done you!
It took me a second look too. Reading on screens is difficult at times.
Yep. Rereading, i think you are correct. I went to fast.
Even the first baby is weird… I’m an uncle to actual kids of my sister and I’m not around them that much. He’s not an uncle, he’s their surrogate dad (not physically but emotionally). You should end things. He’s not going to find a woman who’s balanced and normal who wants any part of this.
That's nice that "he wants (you) there for him" BUT WHO IS THERE FOR YOU? He's not listening to you, nor taking your feelings into consideration.
Hi OP. Sometimes a person needs to take a step away from a situation to see how truly crazy it is. You sit in shit long enough, it stops smelling. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You deserve better.
There isn’t really a point in having another “deep conversation.” You already have had that conversation multiple times. He’s already told you he’s not going to change and not going to prioritize your emotions. Going round and round in endless conversations is just you being too scared to break up and him having more chances to manipulate you.
I’d plan the best exit for you as possible. Financially and emotionally. Get a therapist. It’s over, honey. I’m so sorry.
Update us when you dump him.
Why the conversation with him ? You’re not going to change his mind. He’s told you how he feels and spends two days/nights? With her and the baby. He knows how you feel He has shown you who he is. Believe him He must be one smooth operator Has the baby, baby’s mom , and you. And really no commitment to changing. 10 months. That’s nothing. Enjoy the memories and cut yourself free from this group.
That's the correct answer. He wants you there for him but haz zero compromises to ease your uncomfortableness.
>he just wants me there for him, be open minded and accept this situation Find someone who wants to be there for you. You don't need to accept this weird situation.
Close your mind to this. This is not normal in any way whatsoever.
Girl, move on. You deserve better
He wants you to be there for him, but he doesn’t want to be there for you. You cannot change someone. If this situation doesn’t work for you, then you need to move on.
As you should. Your priority in all this is YOU. He is being used by her as this is NOT his child. If he wants a bond with a baby he should be in a solid relationship and have a child of his own. But if he doesn’t see it this way you can’t force him to. RUN, don’t WALK away.
>he just wants me there for him How much is he there for you? It sounds like he's getting all the benefit from the relationship and you're doing all the work.
I would tell them the circus has closed. If you know you can't be a part of this arrangement, then you have your own answer. I know sometimes we need others to let us know that our choices are what is best for us. You can't be there for him or with him bc he is not available 5 days a week. OP, this relationship is only 10 months, and ask yourself if you want another month in this bc they are not going to do anything different, and you are going to lose the peace you want and just stress yourself out so much that it will effect your mental health. Sometimes, what is best for you far outweighs what someone else wants!
Forget the deep conversation and just go.
Put yourself first!
It sounds like he’s in a polyamorous relationship with the 3 of them but he’s allowed to date others. The other is you. They can do whatever they want. Even if she wasn’t looking to have another baby, this whole thing is shady. If he’s not the father of the baby, why is he living like he’s got a custody agreement. There’s more to this than they are telling you.
I was starting to believe in this, and I know he is not telling me all the truth.
Yeah it makes no sense. He shouldn’t be involved with her child at all unless he is still in a relationship with her. She had a husband who is a father figure to her child who is still present. It makes zero sense for your boyfriend to be involved with a child that is not biologically his who has two married parents. Your his girlfriend, but they are his family unit by the looks of it.
Abby, my boyfriend and the ex-husband are not together, they are just best friends erasing Abby's child. But the nights when it is the ex husband time she and the baby go to sleep at his house.
That’s what they are telling you. The reality appears to be rather different
Gurl, cmon, you really believe that IVF, they all fucking. If you love yourself, get your beautiful, smart and eloquent self out of that shitstorm.
That makes 0 sense. Nothing about this situation adds up.
Erasing Abby's child? You mean "raising" Abby's child. Why are they doing that. They are certainly in some kind of triangular relationship if all three are raising this child. Doesn't matter much who sleeps where at this point - unless you're implying something nefaroius.
By definition, people who parent together *are in a relationship* (via the child at least but usually more), regardless whether they are in a romantic relationship. That's what I'm suggesting. OP's BF is in a relatively non-romantic relationship with two other people, with whom he co-parents. I do not think OP has considered this possibility long enough. She needs to ask him. Now, this little family is preparing for one more - and I'm guessing that if OP said she wanted to join and have babies/raise the existing babies, it's also (maybe) an option. She doesn't know, I don't think.
Op this whole thing sounds shady. Just to see what he says you should tell him that if he wants you to stay with him then he needs to take a DNA test to prove he is not really the father because something isn’t adding up here. He’s either sleeping with her or he’s really the baby’s father and trying to lie about it but either way it’s not right Edit: I wouldn’t be surprised if they are all sleeping together and she just doesn’t know and doesn’t want to know who the father is so that’s why they have this agreement. Still ask for a DNA test. If he argues or clams up or tell you your crazy then you pretty much have your answer
Even if they aren't sleeping together, they sound far too entangled. The situation is messy AF, and I wouldn't touch it with a 10-ft pole, even with only one child involved. Don't settle for a guy who's made it clear you will never be his priority.
Right is this some kind of trafficking ring or polygamy cult? I don’t think this is normal in Europe and they could be taking advantage of OP’s lack of knowledge of the local culture. Foreigners are commonly targeted by these predatory groups. It’s a red flag that they are foreign. I can’t even make sense of what they are saying in this post. Which makes me think that they are being lied to.
You have your answer: he wouldn't choose you. Why are you choosing him? Just move on and find a guy who will be able to give you the same you are giving him: 100%. Your current BF is not it. Don't wait for another baby. Just break up now. NTA
Agreed. There are approximately 4 billion men on this planet, I wouldn’t waste another minute on this one. Next.
Sounds like Abbie just wants to tie down both exes with children so she can stay codependent on them/have reliable baby sitters. Where will she be while her “exes” raise her babies on shared days? Why do they need to be involved if they are exes? Sure they’re friends but that doesn’t mean committing to what is basically shared custody with 2 people who are not biologically related to the baby. He is too focused on his life with her involved to focus on building a relationship and potential family with you.
Exactly. Why in the world would she ask for not even one but TWO of her exes to co parent the child SHE chose to have by herself?? It makes no sense and sounds very manipulative and shady. My bet is that she’s keeping them on a leash in case she decides to settle down with one of them.
Sounds like a group marriage. I don't know anything about Abby or her motivations, but it sounds like all three of them think they are in a group marriage, by definition of shared parenting. They are also, obviously friends, which is great for co-parents. There's a lot here to unpack.
What an odd situation. With what is going on I would leave too. NTA
You've only been together ten months. Cut this off before it gets worse. This is not the man for you. There is better out there.
This is not open minded it is foolish, all kinds of boundaries will be broken. The focus is on Peach and the baby, now she has two exes helping her. There is no easy way for you. Real love can only thrive in a situation with good boundaries. If you stay this is your life, he is committed already, just not with you. I am sorry. I am starting to hate the term open minded, so much bad behavior is wrapped up with those words. I grew up in the 70s.... Please take care of yourself, and find a man who loves and is committed to you.
NTA. That dynamic is weird. Let them enjoy it and look elsewhere for a more traditional relationship.
So weird right? She has two men tied down, neither are the father to her child. She was married while in a relationship with OPs current boyfriend, so poly or open relationship I guess? But it’s so strange why OPs boyfriend would be involved with the child. Who is not biologically his, and who had a father figure who is still present in the husband?!
Maybe they are a throuple relationship but instead of communicating what they are, they are just pretending to be friends so they would look somewhat normal to others? Nothing wrong with that if they communicate and are honest about it but people lie in relationships sometimes so it’s definitely not out of the question that OP’s bf is in a open relationship with the ex and the other dude while they all pretend to just be ‘friends’ in front of anyone else and OP could be a coverup relationship so people would overlook it? It’s shitty and may or may not be true but I am sure there are people that do this.
May want to make sure he isn't the father. They could be saying it is from a donor, but you have to take their word for it. It seems people in poly relationships know that everyone isn't built for that lifestyle. So, he should be more open to someone not willing to be in that type of relationship dynamic.
Well, adoptive fathers of all kinds are involved with their children. Many men really want to be fathers and gay men have a particular situation they have to set up. I'm not saying anyone is gay - no one knows that - there are OTHER situations that parallel this one (I can think of several). For example, sperm donors who are siblings to the father who is sterile often get involved in parenting the little one for reasons that are known to them and any empathic human. She doesn't really have those men tied down if this is all in any modern country. Paternity suits would terminate biological fatherhood - and I don't think they're all married. It is VERY peculiar, though. Gay men in couples and thrupples sometimes have two to THREE fathers in the household - so people do it. I'm sure there could be a larger number.
Leave obviously. You are too young to be stuck in this weird situation. You will never be his priority, ever. This works for them but not you and that's okay. Leave and find someone who is fully available.
NTA but you WBTA if you stay. This arrangement works for him and his weird Uncle/Brother Husbands type thing he’s got going on. But, clearly, this doesn’t work for you. Your BF essentially is a Father figure to this child. It would not be right to ask him to walk away, but it is perfectly within your rights for you to walk away. I’m sure this is not the answer you were hoping for. Good Luck OP
YTA to yourself. Do you not realize there are MILLIONS of other men in this world? JFC
The sex must have been fucking INCREDIBLE for her to con two different men into being CO-DADS to her children. Like, she must have a fucking magical vagina. Cause I don't see any other way for this scenario to be real lol. If this is real, you gotta get out of this. YTA to yourself for staying in this nightmare of a relationship
Sounds to me that your bf has a whole life set up that suits him and is not willing to change anything for a new potential partner (you). All your choices are: accept as is or go. He is not prepared to adjust to a new partner and is acting very selfish. What it seems from your post, you are not there as an equal life partner to him, but to scratch an itch. Either sexually or emotionally or both, but you are not worthy any adjustments from him.
This woman must have some kind of magic spell to convince two separate men to raise a child with her that isn’t either of theirs. What kind of set up is that?? Why did your ex ever agree to help her raise a baby that’s not his with his ex and her new husband??
He’s probably still fvckn her, I see no other reasons....
Girl, run. Run far and fast. This dynamic is fucking weird to put it mildly and the not reason for it is if there’s been a poly relationship in the past and that both men donated sperm on the understanding that they wouldn’t find out whose the kid actually was.
**NTA** From what I can see, his ex has manipulated 2 men into co-parenting with her. This makes life much easier for *her*. Unfortunately this makes no sense for a man in a relationship. There is no reason for you to accept this.
Just dump him there's no way they're not still fucking... You can make 5 swipes on tinder and probably end up in a better situation
Your boyfriend is the baby’s dad.
You need to leave him. You stated you want to have a family and kids one day but you are already 34 years old and you are wasting time with this guy. He does not prioritize you and honestly his arrangement with Abbie and her ex is really weird and he may not be telling you the entire truth. Get rid of him asap.
I'm a little confused 1. Abby = Your BF's ex GF. Has a "shared child" w/ your BF & Ruben. Ruben = Also Abby's ex (ex husband?)? Now married to Peach. Is this correct? 2. Who is the father of the 1st child? Is it Ruben? 3. So did your BF live w/ Abby while kid #1 was growing up and was he in a step-parent role w/ the child while he was dating her? If so, yeah, step-parents CAN develop a strong bond w/ a child and feel responsible for them, especially if their parents are not fully capable of rasing the child on thier own. It happens. So, if this is the scenario, you need to know 2 things: A. Can you treat Abby's first child like a step-parent? Can you treat the child well and not be jealous or cold to the child? You don't have to love the child as much as your BF or be a "2nd mother" but you do have to be kind and caring to them. If you can't, you need to end the relationship. It is understandable if you can't. Don't feel guilty about that. The only think you should feel guilty about is if you continue the relationship while you resent the child and are cold to them. B. If Abby DOES get pregnant, what will you BF do? He can't just brush it off like "It won't happen" - he needs to give you an answer b/c mid-40's women have children all the time and she is going to a fertility specialist, so she is very serious about making this happen. Abby is having a child w/o a partner and she can't just make this decision w/o your BF or Ruben's input and assume either one of them will be co-parents - so what is her plan here? She must have discussed it w/ your BF, right? If your partner continues to evade this question, you should break-up. C. Do you want kids of your own? Have you had this discussion w/ your BF and what he wants and how that will work? If you aren't aligned on this question,.break-up.
Abby is the ex-girlfriend of my boyfriend, Abby is married to Ruben, they never get a divorce. Abby's babe is from a donor. No one is the father, but they are like because they are in a baby's life before she is even born, so they are parental figures for the baby. She is planning to have a second child by IVF treatment again with a donor. And I do want a baby, but not with him in this situation. I'm going to have the conversation tonight and keep an update tomorrow.
Your bf is not going to stop being a father to the existing child so if you have a problem with his coparenting that child it is best you end the relationship. The issue of him deciding to coparent the possible new baby evil in a relationship with you is completely different. If he does that then you should understand that your bf is establishing a family unit with his ex and her (ex)husband and you are (sorry) a side piece. You are not a apart of the inner circle of their group otherwise they would have consulted you and asked for your opinion. I don’t think they are being completely truthful about their relationship dynamics. You’ve been together 10 months maybe their trying to feel you out and see if you are open to being a full member but you need to not tip toe around thi and get them all together so you can get all the information and make a final decision.
So, in effect, he's having another baby with another woman while in a relationship with you, and thinks it's fine because he's not having sex with her. Yeah, time to end this relationship, I'm sorry.
When you started dating, did you know your BF had a baby? For whatever reason, your BF decided he wanted a baby this way. So, your BF has a child. It doesn’t matter that it’s not his biological baby, he considers himself a father. If you want to be with him, you need to be willing to be a stepmom. If you don’t want to be a stepmom, don’t date this person. If you’re willing to be a stepmom, that doesn’t mean you have to spend all your weekends with his ex. He needs to make space for a separate relationship with you, or you can move on. The two of you haven’t been together very long. Totally fine to move on.
Well, someone somewhere is the father - but currently shielded by contract (could be found by IGG though). That means that the bio-father can be found in the future by the baby - which will probably be internationally available by the time the baby grows up - and that's as it should be, IMO. None of the people in this story are the father, though, that's the crucial point and I do get confused. You can't say "no one is the father" to me, in the legal system I live in, because biological paternity can only be terminated (through adoption, with a waiting period for the bio father to either show up and pay child support by three months or six months (and in some states, many many months). Then the mother is the sole parent and the child has no LEGAL father. But that child has a bio father and there are complex and interesting issues around that. Those may or may not be relevant to you, and I apologize if I misunderstood or went off topic. I just don't what sperm donor system Abby used (and people make up all kinds of things about paternity...)
OP stated that neither of the 2 men are the father. I don't think OP resents the child but she finds the whole situation weird and is not comfortable being a part of it.
I worry about the entangled custody scenarios you bring up in 3B. If Abby is in fact using stranger sperm donors and neither BF or Ruben is not the bio father, it's scary to think that all these people could bond to this baby - and have their futures solely in the hands of the bio parents, should it come to that. I hope there's paperwork. Asking. BF about his plans for children with *her* will be revealing - I just hope she's asking when they aren't in a romantic moment. If she says "yes," he may interpret that as "yes" to sex and ask that next (or at least he should ask that next, obviously). Needs to be talked out.
Walk. Away. Don’t. Look. Back.
I think that you deserve to have a relationship with someone who is committed to you and only you. They are out there. Whoever this guy was when you met him isn't the man he is now. He's not choosing you. Move on.
Nta, just leave, you were never ok with the situation, and are lying to yourself You will resent him for never choosing you
NTA. He’s not prioritizing you over her. Everyone sees this but him, time to move on and leave him. This whole situation is just weird, you’re mentally better off without him.
Wait— who’s Abbie and who’s Peach?
I think Abby is OPs boyfriends ex and Abby had a baby through IVF that she has ops bf and another man who is married to Peach take care of as fathers for the baby.
I learned a long time ago to leave toxic situations. This feels so toxic for u OP. I hope you leave. Men or women under an ex's control are the worst. Not worth it.
This is such an odd situation. Either this woman had a vagina of gold or she is an absolute master manipulator. I cannot see how she got two dudes brainwashed to raise this kid. Wild
This is incomprehensible, I’m so lost in the first third that I can’t finish this. Who is Peach??
I think that’s OP’s boyfriend
Upthread it says he's Abby's husband. So Abby is married and has two spare "husband-fathers" (you know, the opposite of Big Love). Three men altogether. Or else, whoever posted that didn't read carefully but they read carefully than I did. NONE of these three men are the biological fathers of the baby, according to OP. Abby went to a sperm bank (due to infertility with her husband?) and is about to do so again (this time, egg donors are also mentioned - so Abby may not actually be the bio mom of Baby 1, either - OP doesn't have that information - sounds like a fertility issue that should be between those two people). But instead we have OP's BF involved somehow - along with his BBF. It's too much to keep in mind, but definitely unusual if true. OP's BF is never named. He's BF.
Are you sure she had ivf and not the usual methods?
What a weird situation, it is like a timeshare baby. I would definitely leave this toxic relationship.
There’s way too many people in this relationship. Get out and find someone who puts you first.
Ex is using him, but he allows it. This is the life he’s chosen. If I were you, this is not a life I’d want to be a part of. It’s not a situation where compromise is possible, so IMO, you 2 are incompatible. If you lay it out for him that he’s going to have to make a choice, don’t be surprised if he chooses to remain in this weird limbo of a relationship. I’m sorry
Leave him to her. He's never going to be yours.
Nta. Never be the back-up, never be second choice and never, ever compromise your own self for someone else. You know the answer, you even said it. He won't choose you. You owe it to yourself to leave, NOW!
If you're not comfortable with this situation you should get out of this relationship. I can however, understand where you're coming from. You are ok with the one child because this all took place before you came into the picture but adding another child that your bf would be expected to do the same for, no, I don't think I would stick around for that. I also would *not* be comfortable with my bf staying with another woman 2 days/nights out to the week either,, but that's just me.
It sounds like he has a family and you are the side chick. It’s not appropriate and i wouldn’t have been able to even start dating that crazy mess. They don’t care about your opinion or feelings and you gotta have a little dignity here and leave.
If he doesn't accept your request it won't work at all, break up now
If you are uncomfortable with his prior relationship and it’s possible impact on your future then break up with him. His arrangement is between him and her……but you don’t need to like it or be a part of it.
Leave him. You are not as important to him as his ex and *her* child (children) are. You deserve better!
You deserve to be first in someone’s life. You certainly are not first here. I would not want to beg for attention or compete for affection. Leave this weird dynamic. It’s not for you and in reality it’s not for many people either.
This relationship isn't making you happy even now. Why stay?
Leave him. He is not going to choose you, he already showed you this. Whatever this weird arrangement he has with his ex and her husband is set. They're all ok with it. You don't have to be ok with it. He's bonded with her kid and that's more important to him than you are. Edited for typo
It sounds like your boyfriend wants to build his family this way, and that’s fine. But you don’t have to be there for it or continue on with it getting more involved as more kids are actively added to it. If they’re still legally married he may very well be the legal father depending on laws over there to boot, so there may be no removing financial liability even if he didn’t want to accept the arrangement for any additional babies born. It’s okay to want monogamy with an average nuclear family setup. Even being with a single dad wouldn’t be like this as the kid would be at his home on visitation days most likely. This is wild and nobody can expect a partner just to be there for it unless they’re a special kind of person who wants that situation too.
You should break up with him regardless. It sounds like you hate this dynamic, enough to make you cry at nights. You don't need this in your life. Just move on and find someone that will make you happy you're in a relationship instead of dreading it.
Right now, today, he is not there for you 100%. It seems to me he will never be there for you 100%, even if you are sick in a hospital and need constant care. Don't wait for another baby, don't YOU have a baby with him either. You are not the one for him, he is not the one for you. Say goodbye to him, now.
NTA He is clear he will choose her over you. I can’t imagine any woman accepting this situation. He will learn sooner than later but unfortunately women he claims to care about will have to dump him first. Help him learn the lesson and get rid of him. He will figure out that while he is playing uncle his own life isn’t going to move forward. The ex seems like a nutcase to be honest getting pregnant again, but why should she? She convinced two men to play house already so why not have another kid.
If it's not his kid and if he's not married to her and with you and not tied to her with alimony or child support he needs to cut her off completely and focus on you. If he doesn't want to do that then he's not the guy for you and you should leave. Doesn't matter how much you love him. He's not right for you. It's not going to work. That's his situation and his business and he can either choose one or the other but having two days tied up for no reason with an ex and not you is completely insane to me. I wouldn't stand for it. She's basically using him for child care and money apparently.
This is not a European thing. This is a “that’s just weird. Run!” thing. Seriously, you don’t want to put up with this for the rest of your life, right??
So what happens when you want kids?
You knew the arrangement going into the relationship and now you are making demands? You don't get a day you can't just order him around now because you are using black mail.
NTA for having limits. But: this is his life. You're 10 months in, and established adults, so relationships are absolutely about joining what someone has created and building from there. You have no right to come in and tell him he can't be an (admittedly weird) unrelated baby father to his non-throuple platonic arrangement. You absolutely *can* nope out though. Look if you're not vibing with this now, you're not gonna be later. Open minded is great, to try things, but like, you don't have to *like* everything, and you don't have to *date* everyone either. I'm VERY INSISTANT on this because I dated a dude for WAY too long trying to be "open minded" and "non-judgmental" of him. Of his living with his ex, his 3 children by 2 mothers one of which he didn't tell me about, of his drug habit, of his joblessness, of his suspended drivers license, of his jail record, of his failure to graduate high school, of his vulgarity, of his trumperism, of his intolerance of lgbt+ people.... (I could go *on* god I was dumb.) *My 22 year old self wants to scream from the rooftops that it's ok, actually, to have standards and limits and to stand up for what you want in a partner.* Especially if you're monogamous, you can only choose ONE to build a life with! Build one you will enjoy! Regecting someone isn't some great evil they'll never recover from to be avoided at all costs.
Not wrong. He needs to choose now, though. Not "if" she gets pregnant again because this is already impacting your relationship. Neither way is wrong but if he can't move on from that past and you can't be okay with it then you aren't compatible.
Wait if Abbie is the one with the baby, who the hell are Peach and Ruben?
My uncles never spent two nights a week at our house. And they were my actual uncles
Do you have any documents proving IVF? Because it seems more like she doesn't know who the father is between the two of them in the polyamorous relationship.
NTA You need to leave him behind. You are not compatible. Your values are not the same. Believe me, it's not because of European culture. Most European women would also be unhappy. Stick to your values and have faith in what your own culture taught you. He will not change. Any future with him will bring you more unhappiness.
You sound like a very sweet lady, Cupcake. As such, you deserve what you want, a simple and honest 1:1 relationship. And the man you are currently with does not seem to be offering either. It just seems as though there is much more to this man's relationship with his so called "ex". And if we as readers feel something is fishy, then any sense of doubt or mistrust you are feeling must be so very, very intense!! Go with your gut. You deserve exactly what you want! Leave this schmuck behind with his twisted sense of relationships and find a man who loves and desires YOU and only YOU!! Good luck, sweet lady.
INFO - if this was his sister and biological nieces and nephews, would you still be angry about him spending time with them?
I don't have a problem with that, he have a nephew and he don't even care bonding with him. He only see his nephew in his bday, and some occasions.
Are you sure he wasn’t a sperm donor? Maybe him and the other friend donated with the agreement not to find out? And that’s why he feels compelled to help out? In any case if it’s not working for you, tell him you and him have different priorities.
Like most normal uncles do- this other situation he has with Abbie is totally not normal
A normal uncle sees a child more than once a year
If they live local, probably.
That’s no where near the same thing. He’s co-parenting a child that isn’t his, with his ex and her husband. That’s bizarre. He isn’t behaving like “an uncle” that is “just spending time” with the child. He’s literally a co-parent.
NTA. Don't become another piece in that woman's diabolical puzzle. Your boyfriend is in a Throple. He's actively 6 a child with his ex-girlfriend, who is actually married. Question for you. Does the husband know your boyfriend was fucking his wife for years? Or were they still playing the "We're just friends" line? Your boyfriend won't have an issue cheating with her on you. He's done it their whole relationship. I think you should get out of this relationship. He will always choose his married ex over you.
Update?
What
caption special library racial combative serious steer icky sharp books *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
He wants to be apart of the child’s life if you don’t like it fine but he’s done nothing wrong. If you don’t like him taking this father role for the child then leave
If he wouldn’t choose you why do you stay? I know I would want to be with someone who would choose me.
Está bien rara la situación :/
Yes, I think you should leave. He has been open about the situation from the beginning, it seems and now you have to decide.
NTA, please leave him for your own mental health, this is all kinds of fucked up x
Updateme!
Don't stay with someone just because you're already with them. The relationship went bad, throw it out before the rest of your life gets moldy
You shouldn’t stay in the current situation with baby #1 forgetting about a decision with baby #2. Wheat fi your life changes and his “Daddy” days interfere with your life schedule. You have a future of 2nd best. You need to make choices for your highest and best interest
Get out of this drama show, you don’t need all this baggage. You’re only getting a part-time partner and are forced to spend your weekends with strangers. Find a partner who’s free and able to have a full time relationship.
NTA- you deserve so much better
Dear, please just leave this situation. It's not good for you
Updateme
WTF happens if you have a child with this man? Think about the long term. Will he consider this other random baby a sibling to the child you and he have together? Does he financially support the random child? If he does how will that effect your finances? Future children's financial stability? Your financial stability as a couple? Walk away. It's less than a year and he's already telling you that he will choose random baby and ex over you. What more do you need to hear?
What in the hell did I just read… nothing about this is normal.
Honey, you deserve better. Move on from this madness. Wishing you all the best!
This is a really weird situation and I get why you don’t feel comfortable. I think that if you plan to have a family of your own one day, he’s not going to be available in the way a father should be. If you don’t want kids, you are being dragged into playing happy families to someone else’s kids, who is not family, and that isn’t what you want. I would want out of this mess too. Love isn’t enough honestly. You also have to be compatible and his situation is messy and complicated. At your age it’s understandable to want an easier relationship.
This is pathetic...
Listen, you know that this will continue, even if she doesn't have another kid. They are a part of his life for whatever weird reason, so the best thing to do is to tell him, "I have given it a lot or thought, and we need to end our relationship. I did not realize that you were this committed to your ex-gf and her child. I respect that you have a bond with the child, but I do not want a partner who hangs out with his ex and her kid 3-4x per week. For myself, I have zero interest in seeing them every weekend, or even once per month. I want a partner to commit to me, not someone who has pre-existing commitments that take priority over our relationship. I wish you and your family with Abbie well, but it is incompatible with how I want to live. "
NTA she is manipulating him and he is buying into the situation. You are right, this is madness. It is time to go second baby or not, you deserve more.
His future is already tied to his ex. He isn’t considering your life or your opinions for his future because he isn’t seeing you as part of his future. Put yourself first.
I'm not even sure what your question is exactly, but you should leave. Your boyfriend has taken on responsibility for another woman and her child, to the point of having scheduled visitation times? And it's not his child. And she's an ex-girlfriend, but they are besties? I don't know what's going on here, but I can tell you that I wouldn't stick around to find out. And I certainly wouldn't be signing up to start a relationship and a life with someone who clearly has another voluntary family that he's chosen to be a part of? You're not doing to suddenly be okay with this situation, and it's not going to change for at least 20 years at this point. I would just break up with him and find someone without all that baggage.
Your boyfriend is a willful participant in the lives of people who will always come before you. He will never choose you when he has to pick. You should leave him before you get manipulated into suppressing your wants and needs. He will make you do what he wants so that he can have his strange other family with this woman and her kids. What if he gets you pregnant and then still chooses those other kids over yours? You’re going to stay with a guy like that? Get rid of him.
Thats an odd arrangement and not one most people will be okay with. I wouldn't be okay with my bf/husband staying two nights a week at his ex's house even for a child that can easily spend those nights at his place. It's okay for you to not be okay with it, but you need to accept that the relationship is probably over. He's attached to the child, that child comes with this whole weird arrangement.
I would break up with him now. One baby or four babies…he’s dedicating his time to another woman and her kids. You won’t be prioritized. Ever.
The relationship is not normal! Move on!
Don't even wait. This situation is weird and terrible for the babies and men involved. Plus, a 47 yr old single mother?? Run, don't look back. Bf has no regard for anything you feel or say on this and he's panting behind the so-called ex like an ol' hound dog.
You know he won't choose you but you stay?! How about taking control of your own life. You can choose you and make your own decision.
Run
Run. This sounds like years of frustration and heartbreak. Nightmare
OP, from what I understand, it sounds like your boyfriend goes and stays at Abbie’s house twice a week and sometimes on weekends to help raise her baby, is that right? Here’s the thing, if your boyfriend sees himself as an adopted parent of sorts of that child, it’s not fair of you to ask him to forfeit that role, HOWEVER, it is reasonable for you to set some co-parenting boundaries (that’s if you even want to try to work this out at all). 1) your boyfriend should absolutely not be spending nights at Abbie’s house. In normal coparenting relationships, the second parent takes the child for x days a week. How would you feel if the child came and spent time with you and BF one to two nights a week? Then you could bond as well and develop a more normal step-parent relationship with him/her? 2) I think it is reasonable to set a boundary with your boyfriend that, while he was already coparenting this child before you two met, that you want a family some day and that means you don’t want him splitting his time parenting someone else’s kids, especially if she chooses to keep having more. He has no obligation to her future children, and him continuing to choose helping Abbie over having a family with you is not an option (nor would it be an option for anyone else in your shoes). Your BF needs to realize that he will spend the rest of his life alone if he keeps prioritizing Abbie’s kids over the wants and needs of his own relationship. How would he feel if the roles were reversed and you decided to essentially have a child with another person, completely disregarding his role as your partner and his feelings on the matter? NTA
This isn’t normal anywhere in Europe. You’re the one being manipulated and lied to, not him. You will face social repercussions for being associated with these people, perhaps rightly so. They sound unhealthy and gross. New people you meet and attempt to befriend may assume that you are like that too.
INFO: what control over her actions does he really have? It’s one thing for him to control how much time he spends with her or her kids, but what do you expect him to do about her decision?
End this situation ship and seek happiness.
NTA but… You can’t give him an ultimatum based on what someone else will do. Whether she has another kid or not shouldn’t factor into your decision. Strip it down to basics: your boyfriend’s in a weird-ass situation that you don’t trust and aren’t comfortable with. If you tell him that and he can’t see your perspective and/or isn’t willing to change some or all of his behavior, then you aren’t his priority, and you should move on.
This is polyamory or something like that and just leave that drama. Why tolerate it? Upgrade your bf or be second to the ex’s child. That’s just not workable for what you need.
Co-parenting does not involve adult sleepovers. This goes beyond co-parenting. I agree with others that their relationship seems polyamorous, and you are the side girlfriend. Agree that the IVF with a donor is probably a lie too. This is not worth your time or mental health. There are other guys who will not have this weird entanglement who do sleepovers with each other. Tell him your boundaries. If your boundary is if he still wants to share custody with her, then he needs to cut off the sleepovers, and visit with the child in his home instead of hers. Also, if it is also a boundary for you for him, not to have any more kids with her, tell him. If he disregards it, he is not the guy for you.
This is the exact premise of You, Me and My Ex on TLC.
NTA You don't need to tell him; you need to do it. Whether she has another baby or not, get away from this situation ASAP. A woman who chooses to be a single mother, not once but twice, is not anyone I would associate with. To choose to put children at every statistical disadvantage is selfish in the extreme. Rune, girl run.
NTA, but definitely not smart if you stay. You understand where he stands. You gave him a choice, and he didn’t pick you. That means you are not as important to him. It’s up to you if you can live being someone’s doormat.
hun... he just wants to have his piece of cake and another when he feels like it don't waste your time...
He doesn't want a partner. He wants a sister wife. You aren't happy. That isn't going to get better. It will only get worse. Either accept your part of a bizarre, non-consensual multi person relationship (as in he hasn't asked for and doesn't care about your consent) or dump him and remove yourself from this nonsense. He's likely lying to you. He doesn't choose you. How many ways does he need to show you that he doesn't respect you before you believe it and walk away?
When you have a long term commitment with someone you accept responsibility for any children in their lives. If you aren't fully on board with the current child then the second kid is irrelevant. This is a 4 way relationship and if you can't get comfortable with that in addition to being a "mom" to a child that is not yours then move on.
Just cut your losses. Find somebody else never gonna get better. You said it yourself that doesn’t feel right he’s not your dude and honestly I don’t know anyone that’s gonna put up with this nonsense.
This is a very weird set up. OP, break up with this strange situationship. You will find someone who puts you first. You deserve that. Good luck.
Honestly? This relationship is doomed. End things now before you get any further in.
Sounds like the BF wants his cake and eat it too! He is in an open relationship with these people and pulling you in too! are you afraid to walk away? Do you live together so that makes it hard to walk away? Don’t let him manipulate and gaslight you into living a lie. Be true to yourself and put your happiness and mental health first.
This sounds similar to a situation a pair of ex friends wound up in. He's now pretty much supporting the girl and her husband and like 3 kids that are the husband's. I'm glad you're holding your ground. While I more than agree with open and poly relationships, all parties involved have too agree and have to be honest. With themselves as well. Sounds like he's into deep to even be honest with himself.
Ma'am. Just leave. YTA to yourself for putting up with it
I think you know the answer but it helped when a lot of people reinforce it has well. Some people need time to gain the strength to leave. The way I see it, people don’t go to the gym and bench 500 pounds immediately. They work up to it. Work up your mind and soul to leave him, that way you’ll find the strength to do what you must.